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#it’s just sad I finally understand that people care about me
kawataslvr · 3 days
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Hi
Can I request a Mikey (tokyo revenger) x male reader.
Where they both know they love each other, but the reader is scared to date him 'cause they're both men. And Mikey is just trying to convince him (at the end the reader agreed), please ?
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Summary : Angst -> Fluff ,, Internalized homophobia ,, hinted at homophobia from readers parents ,, He/Him Pronouns .
A/N : guys i rlly like mikey ��🙏 this one hit very close to home 🪂
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You really liked Mikey, yes he really did, well, as a friend.. right??
So why did his heart pound faster and faster whenever he was around him, its not like he was afraid of rejection.
He’s been told multiple times Mikey had a thing for him, everyone knew it. Wasn’t ever a secret since you two met.
You tried to ignore the feelings, everyone was just playing around. Because you couldn’t like a boy that was GROSS.
Right? thats what your brain told you, so why was your heart betraying you so badly? why was it craving Mikey so often?
It was probably just the teasing from everyone that was getting to your head.
Maybe thats why your heart dropped and then rapidly sped up way too quick when Mikey gave you a confession letter, you could tell Emma had helped him on it with how cutely it was decorated.
How cute of him..
You smiled to yourself before stopping yourself when your brain processed what the note really said.
Mikey just confessed his feelings , and he was in front of you.
He was waiting for your answer, what the hell were you supposed to say.
At least no one was watching, he had the curtsey to do this in private.
You still didn’t want to hurt his feelings “I..Im sorry.. I just..”
“It’s okay for you to say no L/N.” oh, your lastname? You’re heart dropped again.
You liked Mikey, loved even. But.. he was a guy, these had to be just friendly feelings.
“I.. I just don’t know how you feel about dating a dude..” your tone sounded a bit shaky, as if nervous to admit this. It’s not like you were completely against the idea of gay people, you didn’t care if one of your friends or someone around you were gay. You just thought the idea of you being gay was gross, because that wasn’t you.
“Well do you like me?” Mikey said bluntly
“Yeah, I mean.. I guess I do, but that doesn’t mean we can date we’re both guys..”
“Give me one chance, please Y/N.” Mikey did look a bit disappointed, not mad. Not sad.
You didn’t know what to say, “I can’t, even if I did my parents wouldn’t allow me.” Mikey put his hands on your shoulders
Was your heart beating this fast because he was so close? or because the leader of Toman was grabbing onto him.
“Please Y/N, we both like each other.”
After one final Denial Mikey left you alone, at least for the time being.
That whole situation didn’t stop him from sending you flowers and gifts after school and leaving you sweet notes during school.
No not at all.
He made sure to write his name in big bold letters on every gift or card, he needed you to know it was from him.
The feeling inside of you couldn’t deny how much you loved the gifts, how much you wanted to be with Mikey.
You had been avoiding him and his friends.
Mikey had sent you multiple messages practically begging.
If you weren’t so in love, you’d call this pathetic.
Finally coming to terms that you like him you were the one to message him this time, even if you never really gave a reply to his countless messages.
You asked him to meet you, quickly getting last second regrets whenever you thought about it.
It was too late now.
“Y/N!” Mikey said in a cheery tone, this being the only real interaction he’s had with you for almost a month now.
“Mikey.. I wanted to tell you something.” You became a mess again, why the hell were you all flustered? Just spit it out.
“If you want me to leave you alone I’ll stop.” he said in that same blunt tone, again.. but this time it was neutral and more understanding.
Mikey was ready to accept the rejection.
“No! No! I—“ why were the words so chocked up on your throat? ugh.. you were more annoyed with yourself than anyone else.
“I like you too.”
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pigidin · 2 days
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OKAY. Am I the only one fascinated by how much Alastor in s1 has interacted with other demons and built a potential for considerable amount of different, broad and unique relationships? With All of them being non-romantic/sexual?
I really don't wanna dive into the discourse of shipping coz honestly, I do think that erasing Al's aroaceness is not cool at all. Personally, I don't see him wishing any romance/sex at all, and well. Considering how platonic he actually is throughout the season, it kinda seems like people forget that friendship (or basically anything non rom-sex) exists in the first place.
Coz, like, let's see what we got::
Vox -- probably one-sided (psychosexual) crush from Vox with possible past friendship between them, them hating on each other yet having (used to have) some respect as well. The ANGST, the drama (for both of sides). Insert aroace troubles (possible aphobia from Vox? Or not? He may be biggest ally as well!) and Vox's petty feelings that are insanely interesting to explore (and laugh at).
Lucifer -- immediate hate that (with a course of events) can turn into forced bonding. The potential of queerplatonic parenting of Charlie is HUGE here. Insecurities from Al? Forced care? Banters? SHENANIGANS? Luci patching up Al after battle, prolly discovering his deal and them slowly bonding on shared interests? Hey.
Rosie -- literal established queerplatonic partners, married for tax benefits, spending their evenings gossiping, hating on Susan and Al rolling his eyes on another romance-rel drama Rosie was trying to help sb with. Rosie can have insane influence on him whether it is understanding modern things or just being with him when he needs it. It also gives off mom/son to me.
Husk -- fucked up master-pet not-friendship with probable care rooted since they were closer in past. Is it toxic? Yes. Is it giving off some problematic dynamic? Sure. Yet it's fucking complex on its core considering pilot, bits and pieces of their interaction and how easily Husk used to insult Al until he overstepped. Them two are quite similar if you think about it and if Al got over his ego it could benefit him a lot.
Niffty -- daugther/father dynamic with them sharing one sadistic-psycho braincell and genuinely enjoying each other's quirks. Protective Al? I just need more Niff and them two being partners in the most outrageous crimes.
Mimzy -- friendship going since they were humans, with them having an amazing (potential) backstory of sharing evenings on two. Al enjoying her company as well as being protective and helpful to her with nothing in return.
Charlie -- manipulated into trusting you as a dad figure? Don't tell me there is nothing below Al's creepy plans or that he wouldn't grow to care for her. He already is proud of her and finds amusement in her inspiration-skills (also, performance is his thing for a reason)
Angel -- I was honestly kinda upset we didn't see any interactions between them except one sex joke, coz my past era of Hunicasts was a fuel to their duo. Them bonding over how different they are is the best description of their dynamic. Also banters and body-puns.
You can't just erase Alastor from interacting with people, but putting him inside boxes of allonormative relationships while he has such a fucking huge potential for everything beyond just that - is quite.. disappointing. People turning a blind eye to a wide variety of relationships he can have (potential to which is set in canon) for the sake of just romance/sex is low key sad.
It's AWESOME to see ppl actually understanding it and.. damn THANKS to everyone who explores Al's relationship with others without it involving final wish to stick tongues into places. Dynamics can be interesting and exciting without it.
I really don't wanna project my romance-aversion onto Al, but when romance and sex is one thing you see everywhere.. it's hard to just let it slip.
You are allowed to do whatever you want, exploring physical intimacy is fun as well, and having Al, well, there are bunch of ways to show it with respecting his orientation and the fact that IT AFFECTS RELATIONSHIPS/ATTRACTIONS but please just don't make it the center of your attention, the one thing relationship revolves around, coz sadly it's just exactly how it looks like from some folks.
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gatun-gatunesco · 7 months
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Fleabag
"People make mistakes... that is why they put a rubbers in the end of pencils"
#personal post#So i kind of forced myself to finish Fleabag season 1. Since the beginning i knew was not something i would see for pleasure#of course was very difficult as 1) i have become sex repulsed once again and 2) she is really fucked up. She needs a terapist#it was a recomendation from them and i knew i just see them in the character facing similar problems and similar way of thinking#the last episode hurts a lot and hurts me more after what happened between us. the decisions they made. the way it ended again#i know they wanted to talk about this. i shame myself once again as i was so late to do so. But yet again. i was right about my fears#about how i saw them reflected in her. how they were taking a similar bad road in life. how they mental illness was going to mess up all#after what happened with him. how they did not said anything. how they just give it all to please him and make a nice memory for him#after how they let him just go full gallop and basically let him use them in the most vulnerable moment so far...#i can only wish they learn. that they realize. that they finally could apply something from the life of another person. even if is fiction#after finishing this season. i can understand and let the anger that i had in me vanished just as fast as it came#but the sadness will remain. the event will remain. the need for me to stay away will remain. i can not help them anymore#it will only hurt me not being able to help. to feel powerless meanwhile i just see them going a downfall. mistake after mistake#i could not bear to see the person i cared the most being that fucked up and not try to help. but i already did that mistake. it finished u#my role as a caregiver is still so mixed within myself. as since my mistakes i would not force nor try anything without them doing it first#so. for them that are indecisive yet impulsive. that are people pleaser even when it hurt them deeply. naive with a gold heart#that want to be friends with all as they feel so lonely. Prisoners of they body and themselfs...#going that softly versus everyone else who is more assertive (even them in a impulsive moment) was not going to work just with words#but i can not do it in another way. i am more sensitive and delicate than one could guess just by looking at me. is not in my nature#forceful? nope. without caution? no. fast? no. i can not hold anger. i can not be unforgiving. Even when i always remember#i can still do damage. just not in a convetional way and is mostly involuntary. i am far from perfect but i am also far from terrible#i am a person who also had done mistakes. But being honest. excepting one i never did something so bad i could not forgive myself eventuall#and i say all this because even with all the pain that is forcing myself to stay away. i just hope they could find a healthy road again...#without the need to make more mistakes or do such things that they may not be able to fix or came back at all...#for them to not regret still being alive. to be happy in a good way without destroying themselfs#i just hope i can be able to see that one day. even if is just from far away and as a total stranger#because i like thing no one else would see and enjoy they beauty in they own unique way#vent post#vent tag#tw vent
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fagrights · 1 year
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yeah. this year this month has been a lot for me and i dont think i have really taken time to breathe all year or process things and i dont think i'll be able to for a while still but. there are lots of things that seem so easy that you are sure you can get through with no problem and then they happen and you are more lost and effected by it than the thing that you had been dreading for a long time. but i think there is something strangely comforting about looking back even a year ago and realizing that you have grown so much as a person in that time that you thought (naively) that you had been already so strong and seeing that you could change in ways you had no idea you could
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scoreplings · 2 years
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also helpful for remembering that my ex is a shithead im better off not having in my life is the fact that whenever i tell anyone how our relationship ended theyre horrified by the way he acted.
#am i embarrassed i put up with that as long as i did? yea#does it make me soooo happy im not putting up with it anymore? also yea <3#helllppp a coworker asked me about it the other day so i explained it to him#and like a half hour later he put down the dishes he was washing and was like. dude what the FUCK i cant stop thinking about how messed up#that is#LOL yea dude i know.#n i wanna say hes evil but hes not really no one is. he just refuses to be accountable for what he does and makes selfish decisions.#he did not wake up and say ‘today i will make Aj soooo so sad and hurt him’#he woke up and said ‘i want to date this guy but dont want to stop fucking this other guy. i will simply keep the boyfriend a secret from#the guy im fucking because i know they wouldn’t be okay with it. its a good thing im doing because they’d be sad if they knew!’#or something along those lines.#dwelling on it is not good i think i am abt to go to sleep instead#makes me sad tho. good part of me hopes he pulls his head out of his ass and realizes he should treat the people who care about him better#selfish part of me hopes he ruins every relationship he has for the rest of his life and dies alone. (<- i dont actuslly want this id be so#sad. i am just mad because i am angry)#dwelling for 1 more second actually LOL he didnt even just keep the boyfriend a secret he lied to my face about it and spent six months#telling me he didnt even like the guy and wouldn’t date because he’d never want a relationship to get in the way of what we had. teehee#and that even if he did like the guy he’d never date him because he didnt want to hurt me like that. and he loved me. LOL.#after he told me he ghosted me for a week and when i finally got him to talk he said he regretted nothing and couldnt understand why i was#upset. hahaaha. and that i should keep it to myself and be happy for him. and that he was just with the guy because he was ‘more available’#than i was.#teehee. sorry. i am dwelling again i just cannot get over how fucked it all is#and the boyfriend was my other best friend. teehee. and they are still together even though i explained what my ex did. <3#i cannot wait to move oh my god i need to not see this mf every day at work or im gonna never stop thinking abt it.#whateverrr. i kiss my bf in two days 💚
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mangabacaxi · 2 years
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yesterday was one of the best days in a while
#friends#connection#so i just realized i don't really have anything in common w the people from college#like we've been for some time during online classes but like..#in person i just don't feel like i belong there we have like nothing in common i don't know how to talk to them#and i felt much more to other people from class than w them#i feel kinda bad because we'd talked for so long and now i just can't see myself fitting in the group#anyways just saying that to say that yesterday was the bday of one of my friends from school#and i haven't seen him (and my other friends) in a long time because shit happened i felt bad and embarrassed#was also feeling like i didn't fit w them but i was missing them so much because they were my best friends for like 8 years#so i've decided to go to his bday i thought it would be awkward and shit but they were so nice to me#and we have so much more in common i love them sooo much and yesterday was sooo good#now i actually feel like get back to the group you know to get in touch again and do things together again#because the reason why i stop talking to them was kinda stupid and it was like almost 3 years ago#and i just realized they're the people that care the most about me and love me and i care about them and love them#and that's it i just am really happy to finally be back again#those last 2 years were terrible to me i was in a dark place feeling so sad and everything was wrong#but now i actually feel better and i hope they understand it and let me get back in the group#of course i lost soooo much during those years yesterday they were talking about a lot of shit and i felt kinda lost in the topic#but anyways
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buriesitsteeth · 2 months
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just venting again I’m sorry
#okay so this is going to sound whiny of me idk I’m sorry I’m like this I really am#ik none of you follow me to hear about this shit and I’m sorry for constantly whining about things I don’t like being like this#I just have so much going on in my personal life and then also nothing at all#I’m just plagued by constant chronic loneliness and it hits me so hard some days that it’s like physical pain#I can’t even talk myself around by saying ‘you do have people that care!’ because I really don’t anymore#everyone’s too busy with their own shit and I find it hard to talk directly about my feelings#I downplay or switch topics or focus on talking about them#and then I get upset because they don’t understand or don’t think it’s serious#but I don’t know how to say I feel so hollow and breakable and at the same time full to bursting with sadness and grief and anger and#self hatred stronger than I’ve ever felt before#and if I try once or twice to express this crushing feeling of shitiness#and you don’t understand or listen my brain will shut down the idea entirely#and prevent me from reaching out again for a long time#I just feel like I’m so inconsequential and ywt at the Same time I’m the one cog still turning to keep everyone else going#like I’m nothing and yet too much at once#I don’t know. I feel like I’m on the edge of Something massive and irreversible and I don’t like it#I feel like I’m also on the precipice between never ever trusting anyone again and diving head first into trusting Anyone#that bothers and trusting them too much. caring too much again in the hopes that I do get hurt for a final time and learn my lesson#I don’t know. and I don’t like having these fits of sounding fucking crazy on here and I’m sorry again for sounding like this this isn’t who#I am I promise im just struggling I think. but I don’t know how to fix it. it feels like some sort of like…#fatal flaw in me somewhere. I don’t know.
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candyskiez · 5 months
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so do you spiral into rage whenever you realize the person who got you seconds away from killing yourself is moving on with their life when somedays you still feel like you're stuck in that moment that fucking traumatized you and how unfair it is that they get to move on when you almost ended it all over them or do you not have a deep seated fear that you jave no effect on the people aroujd you
#suicide tw#cw suicide#tw suicide#suicide cw#candyskiez vent#i know its irrational. i know#but fuck its. a part of me is almost mad at them for moving on. even though earlier i was fucked up because whst if i hurt them what if im#terrible person. i keep fucking flipflopping. ive never once wanted them back but ive missed them so bad and ive hated them and i still#fucking love them and god. i almost killed myself. i almost KILLED myself and they get to just??? be upset that i didnt want them in my lif#they can just go on about how it was so hard for THEM to lose all their friends when they were the one who cut us out. and everyone feels#bad for them. but fuck. i almost fucking killed myself. i almost killed myself because of this situation. i thought id never be happy again#i was wrong. im finally healing from it. but sometimes i can't help but hate them. because how DARE you ever act like the two things are#even remoteoy equivalent. you lost SOME of your friends because you made a stupid ass life decision you had EVERY way of knowing would blow#up. we were in hell. we were in fucking hell. the friend group almost fucking fell apart becase of your stupid ass. i almost killed myself.#i thought id never be happy again. i almost killed myself without leaving a note so i wouldbt have to feel yhe pain YOU caused me. YOU. and#you think you have the RIGHT to be sad? you arent the fucking victim. you have NEVER been the victim of this situation. you will never be.#and logically i know i know they can feel however they feel and thats valid and yeah they cared. but it feels insulting fucking INSULTING#because how dare you be sorry when i could never forgive you for what you did. how dare you do something so STUPID and get surprised when#people got hurt. you are a fucking awful friend. you dont deserve forgiveness. i dont give a shit youre sorry. why should i care. why is it#MY job to care that youre a fucking idiot. you hurt me. why is it my job to understand why? i almost killed myself.#later on im probably going to feel bad for them again. i know they aren't a monster but god it is so fucking hard to care. ive never gotten#that close to suicide. and they very nearly pushed me over that edge. i was so fucking close to writing a note. i was debating if i should#send the note to my online friends. i was on the fucking brink. i will never fucking forgive them. i almost killed myself.#and their name wouldve been on the note.
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It's times like this week of training my replacement before I leave my job that really remind me that I'm an introvert bc like this guy is nice and all but oh my gosh he does not stop talking. Ever. I feel bad bc he apologizes all the time about talking so much but it's like listen man, if I'm not very talkative in return it's bc A) I'm focused on a task that I'm doing or B) I really just don't talk that much, even at home
#also i am just not made to be a teacher bc holy cow training people is so annoying#like i understand there's a lot of stuff to learn but we have charts up on the wall for like literally every tiny little thing#so all the time when new people ask me stuff for the like 25th time its like look at the chart that I've showed you multiple times!!#and so many get shown how to do something the correct way and get corrected multiple times when doing it wrong#and then just continue doing it wrong#especially this new guy who just does not pay attention#I'll finish up with an explanation of how to do something and he'll go oh sorry i spaced out can you repeat that#and its like dude you get all of a week for training and then you're on your own back here#im trying to help you#this is a professional workplace not a kindergarten please pay attention for more than 5 seconds#and the number of times ive had to say 'the thin pizzas get oregano on top' this week alone is too many to count#im honestly just gonna let it go today bc i dont care enough to keep correcting him#ill let the managers correct him next time (or the next 10 times) and see if it ever finally sinks in#idk i hate to rant about somebody but i have been slowly being driven up the wall this week#on top of all that I've been subjected to hearing all about his family drama and financial issues and everything going on with his S.O.#all from day 1#its like dude i literally just met you i dont need to hear about all of this#idk im sad to be leaving this job and the people i work with but not this dude lol#it's made it a bit easier for this to be my last day and i hate that honestly#like this entire week has felt weird and unreal that it's the last week working there#but i dont really want this to ruin things#bc i most likely wont ever get to see the people i actually enjoy working with ever again
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andvys · 8 months
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I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss | S.H.
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Warnings: hurt/no comfort, angst, sad ending, allusions to cheating, heartbreak, break up, King!Steve, popular!reader, poorly proofread
Pairings: Steve Harrington x fem!cheerleader!reader | Steve Harrington x Nancy Wheeler
Summary: Steve is slipping through your fingers and you desperately hold onto him not realizing that his heart isn't yours anymore.
Word count: 2k
Note: This is only the preview, I wanted to see how this will do before I write the actual story! @take-everything-you-can thank you for listening to my ideas and helping with more!
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The red wine is seeping through his shirt, staining his soft skin with it’s stickiness. He clumsily tries to wipe it off with a random cloth he found in Tina's bathroom, as though it would help, as though he could undo it, as though the redness hasn’t already stained too much of the blue material. 
He is mumbling incoherent words under his breath. 
You roll your eyes, reaching for the cloth in his hands, “it’s not coming off, Steve–”
“It’s coming,” he mumbles, drunkenly.
You sigh, walking around him, you put the cloth on the counter and reach out to him, cupping his cheeks, “come on, just let me take you home.” 
“Why don’t you go home?” 
He looks down at you with a look in his eyes that you aren’t familiar with. He furrows his brows as he looks into your eyes, searching for something that he won’t find in your eyes, ever. 
You are scared of it, you are scared of him, of what he feels, of what changed. You act like you don’t know what changed, you act like you are clueless, you act like you are unaware of everything that’s been going on behind your back. But you know everything. 
You know that Steve isn’t who you want him to be. 
He is King Steve and you are the queen of Hawkins High– you didn’t give that title to yourself, you never would, in a way it’s humiliating to you that people claim you to be some sort of queen, some mere girl that people look up to for some reason. You are nothing but a simple girl and Steve is nothing but a simple guy but unlike you, he loves the attention, especially the one he gets from all the girls, the ones that make him feel desired. You always hated the way he flirted with them even when he was already with you– he said he only did it because of Tommy and the other guys from the team, they always encouraged him to flirt with them. You didn't understand it, you would never do that to him. His flirtations were only halfhearted and he never actually did anything but it did nothing to make you feel better. Still, you stayed with him because you loved him and because you knew that he only did it for show, to keep up his stupid reputation.
After all he did only have eyes for you. Only you were allowed to see sides of him that no one else saw, only you got lingering looks, soft touches and kisses, only you got to lay in his arms and listen to the beat of his heart, only you were his girl, his only girl. Only you got all the I love you's.
He took you out on dates, he gave you flowers, he kissed you in his car, in downtown bars, behind the school, in his room, in your room. He made you happy like no one else did. He once did.
You were his first love, you had hoped that you would be his only love but then she came along and his love for you was just gone. 
When he suddenly stopped flirting with every girl that batted her lashes at him, you had hoped that he finally stopped caring about what his friends thought, you had hoped that he was finally ready to show everyone that he wasn’t like that, that he wasn’t some playboy who needed more than his girlfriend to keep him interested and satisfied but that was simply too much to wish for. You were a fool for considering that in the first place.
His eyes strayed away from you weeks ago, he had set his eyes on her, the girl that stole him and his heart away from you like it was nothing.  
Nancy Wheeler. 
The pretty freshman who was assigned to be his partner in some stupid history project. 
You knew that he was gone the moment he stopped calling you every night just to hear your voice before going to bed, you knew that his love had started to vanish when even after the project was over, he kept canceling or even forgetting date nights, you knew that his heart wasn’t yours anymore when you caught him staring at her with a look in his eyes that you wished to see when he looked at you. 
He isn’t yours anymore but you still hold onto him because he is still here, right in front of you and he puts his hand around your wrists, not hers. He looks into your eyes, not hers. But he doesn’t look at you with love or adoration in his eyes, no. He looks at you with something– with nothing. There is nothing in his eyes and you can already feel yourself growing sick because you know that this is it. You knew this was coming, you knew this would happen eventually, he will leave you, for her. 
You don’t know what happened between them, if anything happened at all, you don’t know if he crossed that line yet, he did emotionally but did he physically?
Your heart begins to pound in your chest, the sound of the music outside is too loud, even when you are stuck in this bathroom with your very drunk boyfriend who is about to shatter your heart into tiny little pieces, you still hear the music and it’s hurting your ears. Your throat tightens and your vision blurs. You feel like you are suffocating. 
“W-Why are you looking at me like that?” You ask, not even recognizing your own voice, it’s so shaky and so far away. 
Steve frowns, he shakes his head a little as he keeps looking at you. His eyes flicker down to your cheeks, to your nose that he used to kiss every time he would say goodbye, your lips that are trembling from the fear that is running through your body, he holds your wrists tighter as he looks back into your tear filled eyes.
What is he doing? 
You step closer to him, blinking those tears away, you whisper his name, begging and pleading with your eyes. You love him. God, you love him so much. 
He says your name. Not baby, not honey, not babe, not princess. He says your name. 
“L-Let’s go home, okay?” You mumble shakily, tearing your eyes away from his, “let’s just go home together.” 
"Together?" He slurs as he stumbles forward a little, you steady him by grabbing his waist.
“Yeah, you wanted to stay with me, remember?” 
“I-I don’t wanna stay with you, I don’t wanna be with– with you,” he mumbles, closing his eyes, he sighs. You smell the alcohol in his breath, the wine on his shirt and it makes you feel nauseous. He grabs your shoulders and suddenly his touch is too much, knowing that it’ll be the last time he touches you. 
“W-What do you mean?”
He is too drunk to see how scared you really are, how hurt you truly are. He is too much of a fool to see anything. 
“You heard me,” he says as he gets closer to your face, “I don’t want to be with you,” he spits. 
You draw back, furrowing your brows and holding your breath as you feel your heart dropping to your stomach, of course you weren’t prepared for this even though you saw it coming. 
“Why not?”
He looks bad, his hair is messy from all the tugging all night, his eyes are red rimmed and he has dark circles beneath them, like he had been up all night, his eyes are filled with so many things yet none at all, right now, you don’t recognize him. 
He is gripping your shoulders tightly, you wish it’s because he is afraid to let you go. 
“I’m not in love with you anymore.” 
And just like that, with a few simple words, he broke your heart. 
Steve Harrington, the man you gave your heart to so willingly, despite your friends warning you about him, despite all the warning signs, you gave him your heart and you never regretted it even though you should have but he was your Steve. He was. 
Steve awaits a reaction from you. He expects you to break down, to slap him, to push him away from you, to ask why but you don’t. In fact, you don’t give him a reaction at all, you just nod at his words, somehow managing to keep the tears from falling, your trembling lip tells him that you do want to cry though but you don’t. 
The bile rises in your throat, you want to throw up, you want to fall to your knees and puke your guts and your heart out but you swallow harshly and close your eyes for a moment, pressing your lips together to keep yourself from sobbing. 
Please wake up, please wake up. You think to yourself, let this be a dream, just a bad dream. You want to wake up, in his arms, in his embrace, you want to feel his kisses on your shoulder, his fingers running through your hair, to hear his morning voice, to hear him say I love you. But you will never get any of it again. It’s over. 
“Okay,” you whisper, shakily. 
You step away from him, pushing his hands off your shoulders, you nod to yourself as you open your eyes to look at him one last time, “okay.” 
An unfamiliar feeling runs through him, gripping at his heart, it hurts and he suddenly feels nauseous. He blinks and stares at you as though he doesn’t understand what just happened. 
You look into each other’s eyes, you both drown everything else out, the voices outside, the music and the ongoing party. 
It’s over. 
You feel grief, the way you felt it all this time already, knowing that this was coming. 
He feels it too, though he doesn’t understand it yet. He doesn’t understand what a huge mistake he just made, how much he will despise himself for doing this to you, how much he will come to regret this. When he feels the loss of your touch, his heart begins to understand a little. 
Deep down you know that he will come back to you, he will. 
Unable to stand around him any longer, you step away, “I’ll get Tommy or something, he’ll drive you home–”
“What about you?” He asks as though he didn’t just tell you that he doesn’t want to be with you.
Your heart is hurting, it’s hurting so badly that you start to forget what it ever felt like to be loved by him. Your tears threaten to fall so you step around him and reach for the doorknob, “goodbye, Steve.” 
He says your name but you don’t dare to turn around to face him, you keep the sob in, pushing it down as you open the door and step out of the room.
By the time the door slams shut, you are already crying, the tears are streaming down your face as you rush through the hallway and down the stairs, not caring about the looks of curiosity of the people around you, you don’t care about anything right now. 
You stumble down the stairs, almost crashing on the hardwood floor if it wasn’t for your friend catching you before you can even take the fall. 
“Hey, oh my god, are you okay?” She asks as she steadies you, watching you with concern in her blue eyes. 
You shake your head as you look at her. 
She looks around as though she is searching for someone but when her eyes settle on him standing by the stairs, not walking down just yet, she knows that it’s him who made you cry. 
She rolls her eyes, putting her arm around you, she pulls you away from the stairs and out of the house, wrapping her cardigan around you after you both step out into the cold. The front door closes and despite the loud music, the laughter and all the people around him, Steve swears that he heard it shut, it echoed and it made him wince in pain. 
He doesn’t understand the deep regret in his chest, the pain in his heart and the confusion in his soul. 
He doesn’t understand it yet. 
-
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neptuneiris · 5 months
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Behind the Scenes (01/05)
Behind the Reencounter
pairing: actor!aemond × fem!reader
summary: Due to your work as a make-up artist and wardrobe assistant, you meet Aemond, a very successful young actor with whom you work and all professional relationship breaks down and a secret relationship arises, until you get pregnant and decide to run away from him so as not to ruin his successful and promising career. After almost two years, you and he unexpectedly meet again.
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hello! i'm back with another mini series! yay!
god, i'm so excited about this, it's nothing like what i've written before but the excitement and inspiration got the better of me.
also i must say that i had seen stories with this plot about daddy aemond and i wanted to make my own, adding angst, which i know you like and a story that i came up with that i really hope you like a lot:)
without more to say, enjoy beautiful people, I look forward to your comments, don't leave me without knowing what you think please!
warnings: angst, language, sexual content, smut
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Your state of nervousness and anticipation is not much of help when it comes to the first day of your new job.
The film studio is a world of constant activity and you know that just on your first day it's going to be hectic. At least in your area which is Wardrobe and Makeup, it's a completely active area and you have to be available almost all the time.
You let out a long breath and before you leave, you stop in the studio's small nursery where your son, Aenar, barely a year old, spends his day while you work on set.
You can't help but watch him with adoration, a certain sadness and longing, for nothing would make you happier than to stay here with him, but you know you can't afford it.
These last few months have been hard, your income has been complicated and you need the money from this new job to be able to survive and make sure nothing is missing for him, your little boy.
Aenar crawls on the floor, exploring the world around him, while the woman in charge keeps her distance from you and him, taking care of other children. And when his big, curious blue eyes look up at you, he lets out a giggle of joy and stretches out his arms to you.
You bend down with him and take him in your arms tenderly and adoringly.
"You don't want me to leave, do you?" you murmur fondly as you leave a kiss on his cheek.
He babbles excitedly, unable to formulate coherent words, but his smile completely lights up your insides and you respond with giggles and smiles.
You take advantage of the little time you have before work to play and laugh with him for a moment. But eventually your time to leave arrives.
You leave a kiss on his forehead and with a sigh of defeat, you say goodbye.
"Mommy has to go but she'll be back soon, okay, my little dragon?"
His little hands explore for a second all over your face, making you laugh and you leave a couple more kisses on both of his chubby cheeks, loving to hear his laughter and loving to see the huge smile he places on his pink lips.
"I love you, sweetheart."
You leave one more kiss on his forehead and make sure one last time to cover his head well with his cap, taking advantage of the fact that it's November and Winter has arrived to hide his straight hair.
You distract him with all the colorful toys that are distributed on the floor for all the children and take the opportunity to leave, otherwise he will cry if he sees you leaving. You exchange a look of understanding with the woman in charge and finally head back to your workplace.
The trailer door opens with a soft creak as you enter, feeling the mixture of excitement and nervousness run down your spine. You had been looking forward to this moment with anticipation, but also apprehension.
For you knew that your past would come back to haunt you.
But you know you need to be here.
The first thing you see are the lighted mirrors with their respective chairs and vanities in front of them, where makeup and wardrobe experts hurry to prepare the actors for the day's filming.
A scent of pressed powder and beauty products fills the air, creating a familiar atmosphere. And when you barely have time to absorb the scene, a brown-haired girl approaches you with an enthusiastic, warm smile.
"Hi! Y/N, right? The new makeup artist."
She points at you with her index finger and a thoughtful look, without wiping away her smile.
"Hi, yes, it's me," you nod to her, as you return the small smile.
"Perfect! I'm Jess, the wardrobe assistant," she extends her hand to you in a friendly gesture, "Nice to meet you and welcome!"
You can't help but be relieved by the friendly reception, then shake your hand with hers.
"Nice to meet you too, Jess. Thank you for having me."
"Oh we're so excited to have you here, I've been looking forward to your arrival," she confides, "Let me show you where you can drop your stuff off and then I'll give you directions, okay?"
Again you nod, grateful for the kindness of Jess, who leads you toward a row of lockers where you can store your things, then gives you directions.
"First, let's go over the schedule for the day," she tells you, opening a folder with the itinerary for the shoot. "We have this first scene where we need to make sure every detail is perfect. And you'll be in charge of the wardrobe for the main characters today."
She indicates without losing the kindness in her tone and you nod, understanding.
"So, take the wardrobe list for each actor and check that we have everything in order."
He hands you a detailed list, making sure that you with your new addition are aware of every detail.
"After that, we'll move on to makeup," she instructs you, "Sam, our talented makeup artist, will give you a brief orientation on the look we're going for. Don't worry, she's amazing and will guide you through the whole process."
Jess grabs a pair of robes and hands them to you.
"Now, let's get to work on the wardrobe. When you've gone through everything, head over to the makeup area, okay?"
Again you nod, understanding the directions perfectly and dive into your tasks with enthusiasm, getting off to a very good start and feeling completely comfortable.
Besides, this is nothing you haven't done before, as way back when you used to work for the BBC television network right here in King's Landing as well, this was your job, so there's nothing new or complicated for you.
When Jess, frantically going through her checklist, looks up at you.
"Oh, Y/N, we need more pins for costume fixes. Could you go to the prop depot and get a package, please? I'd really appreciate it."
You nod with a small smile.
"Sure, I'll be right back."
With a determined pace, you step out of the trailer and head to the depot which isn't far away and start looking for the package, which you didn't think would take you some time since there are so many packages of different things mixed up.
You search through many huge boxes, until you finally find the package of pins and let out a relieved sigh.
You leave the huge room and close the door behind you, walking back. And as you walk, as you pay attention to your surroundings, you feel a mixture of nostalgia and nervousness, as these hallways, permeated with the buzz of film activity, take you back to memories you've been trying to bury.
You let out a long breath, not wanting to think about it now, and concentrate on your work.
As you enter back into the trailer, everything is immersed in a constant murmur of conversations and the activity of preparations, at the same time as the trailer door closes with a soft click behind you.
You are about to enter the area where the tables and chairs and mirrors and everyone else are when you hear a somewhat familiar voice in a distant echo in the middle of it all, completely stopping your footsteps.
"…they said at the training scene I wasn't supposed to look any different in particular."
You frown, thinking that maybe you're mishearing and are mistaking that voice for someone else's.
But still you advance just three steps, sharpening your hearing with a wary face, waiting, wanting to make sure.
"And which one of these for that scene?" you hear one of the girls in charge of wardrobe.
You wait for the answer from that attentive and completely cautious voice, thinking that it must probably be a figment of your mind that wants you to believe things that aren't.
"I think the brown one," you hear that voice say back to the girl.
Your heart stops completely in that instant.
No.
It can't be.
You think completely incredulous and terrified.
You stand completely paralyzed and with a face of total shock as the sound of that voice continues to echo softly throughout the interior of the trailer, flowing conversation between him and the makeup artist.
The pulse in your throat beats with a mixture of surprise and anxiety, suddenly losing strength in your body, so you lean against one of the walls as you feel an emotional vertigo begin to emerge.
All those buried memories, suddenly resurface, as it is no imagination of yours and you know it is him because his voice has not changed and you could recognize it anywhere.
It is him.
He is here.
You close your eyes for a moment, trying to regain control of your emotions, but you can't, and you can't believe this is happening right now, on your first day of work.
Completely cautious, you slowly peek out, wanting to be even more sure and wanting to see that it's all just your mind making it up.
But as soon as you catch a glimpse of that signature flash of platinum hair, your heart rate begins to race faster than normal.
And there he is, with his hair pulled back in a small low bun as he discusses the details of the scene with the makeup artist, a scene that resonated with similarities to moments you and he shared in the pass.
Disbelief completely invades your eyes and your entire face as you watch him, surprised to see him after exactly one year since that day. You notice every gesture and every feature that is still etched in detail in your mind.
He, oblivious to your presence, continues the conversation, but something in your expression begins to tremble.
You go back in time to the spark you both shared in the corridors of that studio, the looks of complicity, the many nights you shared together and the whispers in the dim light of the dressing rooms.
But you also remember that day, when you saw him completely frustrated but willing to be there for you, where his manager and his entire team talked to him about the consequences and you also remember everything he promised you, on hidden, which is why you decided to run away when you were only three weeks pregnant with him.
A lump forms in your throat and standing there, watching him, after so long, tears begin to invade your eyes.
But Jess announces your presence as she emerges from the back where the dressing rooms are, watching you at the entrance completely static and with a look she can't instantly identify.
"Y/N! There you are! Did you get the pins?"
And that's when it happens.
Saying your name loud enough for everyone inside the trailer to hear, it catches his attention, who confused and attentive watches where Jess is heading and that's when the gazes meet.
And in that instant, a spark of recognition crosses the face of Aemond, Aemond Targaryen, the man you decided to run away from so as not to ruin his career and the father of your child.
His healthy eye opens wide and surprise and disbelief overcome him as he sees you, right there, less than five meters away from him, the woman who carried his child with her and whom he sought so much after she disappeared completely from his life.
Silent, with the urgency of tears threatening to overflow, you step back, watching him cautiously and fearfully, at the same time beginning to tremble all over.
"Y/N," he utters your name with a tone of surprise and longing, as if he can't believe it, beginning to slowly rise from the chair.
You recoil further, as all the sadness, pain and anguish wash over you as you remember the past and think at the same time of your son, your sweet little boy.
However, your first instinct is to run away. Again.
Without a word and without looking back, you turn around and exit the trailer quickly before you could no longer hold back and tears involuntarily flow from your eyes, taking with you the image of Aemond and the echoes of a past you cannot escape and forget.
You don't care about your job, you don't care that you left everything just like that, you only think about running away and going quickly for your son, crying and completely terrified.
Aemond watches you walk away, unable to move and unable to speak, with a look of deep disbelief, surprise, bewilderment, regret and remorse while the people around him do not understand anything.
He knows that he made many mistakes in the past and he knows that you have a right to feel upset and hurt. But he also knows that you also made mistakes and you recognize that too.
But for now, you run away and he stands still, losing strength, where you both barely process what just happened and at the same time travel to the past, where it all started and where it all ended.
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ALMOST 2 YEARS AGO.
At just twenty-one years old, you barely graduated from college and landed a great job opportunity with the BBC television network to work as a professional makeup artist and wardrobe assistant.
And now at the age of twenty-two and having been working for the network for two years, your life couldn't be better.
You have the job of your dreams, you have achieved so much despite the fact that your parents had no faith in you for choosing to study something that didn't guarantee you a future, and now your income is enough to allow you to live an independent life where you lack nothing.
When then, a new project comes up, a new TV series where you participate full time and where you are passionate about what you do.
That's when you meet him, one of the main actors of the show, Aemond Targaryen, a young, successful twenty-four year old actor who has already attracted the attention of the show business in his early days with a very promising future.
But it was not only for his incredible talent, he was also recognized and attracted a lot of attention for his unusual appearance, beautiful bright blue eye and a peculiar long platinum hair.
In his interviews he explains the origin of the genetic descriptions of him and his family, which is what causes a lot of doubt in every interviewer and also in his fans, wanting to know his origin.
That's why when they tell you that you will be assisting him in his makeup and wardrobe, you can't help but feel nervous but also a little excited to work with him.
And when the day finally arrives, Aemond Targaryen is actually quite a nice and accessible man to work with.
In the first few weeks of working and shooting the show, your interaction with him was completely professional.
You take it upon yourself to bring out the best in his image for the screen, where he does his part, always being friendly, willing and cooperative with you to follow directions and achieve the perfect look.
Always both of you at the beginning had normal and casual conversations to start forming trust, where everything becomes routine.
And it's not until he would say anything silly to make you laugh and where you both got to the point where you allowed yourselves to talk completely freely without being judged.
The shared laughs and casual comments created a comfortable and relaxed atmosphere, where the relationship started to become more friendly and slowly stopped being so strictly professional.
And when you least expected it, you looked forward to working with him, doing his makeup and wardrobe, enjoying his company.
Even when he would arrive first at the trailer to get ready, he would look forward to your arrival.
And when you arrived, you couldn't help but smile a little shyly in his direction because of his intense gaze on you through the mirror, making you feel a little nervous.
As you carefully applied his makeup, Aemond couldn't help but notice that attention you paid to every detail on him, having you so close to his face, being a moment he also longed for it to come.
And as the days passed, accidental brushes and gestures that went beyond professionalism began to emerge.
During makeup sessions, the glances became more intense and prolonged, as if you were looking for something beyond the superficial appearance, where you noticed how he was looking at you beyond the professional surface.
But it wasn't something that bothered you, on the contrary, it made you feel inexplicable sensations that at the same time pleased you, knowing perfectly well that he wasn't like that with anyone else in your area, only with you.
And you both also made sure to act that way only when it was just the two of you or to do it subtly when you were around other people.
But you also knew the dangerous game you were both playing.
However, it was too late, you really started to like him too much even though you knew that the idea of him and you could not be possible.
In the film industry, relationships between colleagues are technically not allowed or frowned upon. Rumors and speculation about romances can alter fan perceptions and, in some cases, affect job opportunities.
In addition, you both have studio contracts and other projects in progress. And acting in such a way, where the intention of both is more than clear, can affect casting decisions and the perceptions of directors and producers.
And for Aemond, being an up-and-coming young actor with a solid fan base, the revelation of an affair can bring negative criticism to his public image.
His manager and team have told him that maintaining the coveted bachelor image may be convenient and commercially advantageous for him in his projects to attract audiences, as he is attractive and very talented.
Even though he had an accident as a child where he lost his left eye and now wears a prosthesis, that attracts more attention from people and they want to know more about him, causing him to be more relevant.
But all this mattered little to Aemond as he shared more moments with you.
As the relationship became more enjoyable, his feelings and emotions became more and more evident and so did yours, starting to overcome the barrier imposed by the entertainment industry.
And one day that line of professionalism that both were trying to maintain but was becoming increasingly difficult, finally broke down completely.
On a filming afternoon, you and Aemond meet in the wardrobe area, where you make sure he looks perfect in his required clothes for the day and he stands completely still, cooperating and watching you at all times.
The conversation between the two of you flows naturally, as it has so many times before, but this time, something in the air seems different, like a gentle tension.
"After we finish this final scene, we should go celebrate, don't you think?"
He suggests with a soft little smile, but his eye reflects an intensity and that desire he can't hide when he's with you.
"Sure," you say with a willing little smile, still securing his clothes, "With John, Rose and Lana?" you mention your partners.
"No," he murmurs, shaking his head softly, "Just you and me."
You look directly into his eye with a slightly surprised and bewildered look, not expecting to hear that, beginning to feel nervous at his words and also at the proximity of the two of you.
"But…" you look at him a little incredulously and with a small sad and disappointed smile, "We can't."
"Yes we can," he tells you softly, "We just have to be very careful and not tell anyone."
You watch him with a small spark of amusement on your face, smiling softly in his direction, not believing he's serious.
And it is at that moment that the looks on both of your faces makes it clear that the connection you both share is deeper than you both believed and where Aemond, more than anything else, makes his true intentions clear and wants to put them into practice, after so long.
A complicit silence surrounds the two and it is as if time stands still for an instant.
Aemond, with a soft expression, unable to contain himself any longer, gently takes your face in his hands and you let him, because you want him, even though you shouldn't.
"There's something I've wanted to do for a long time," he confesses, his voice laden with sincerity.
You, intrigued and captivated by the intensity in his eye, his beautiful blue eye and the closeness of the bodies, look at him with attention and desire.
"What is it?" you murmur, almost in a whisper.
And without another word, Aemond leans toward you and closes the distance between you, bringing his lips together with yours in a needy but slow and deep kiss that you reciprocate instantly.
It all happens in an instant of surprise, followed by a sweet surrender to the attraction that had grown between the two of you.
Time comes to a complete stop as you both sink into that first kiss, where Aemond's hands gently grip your waist and you respond with the same intensity by locking your arms around his neck and clinging to his lips.
You don't want him to stop, you don't want any of this to end.
Everything feels perfect and just as you imagined in your fantasy mind of wanting to live this moment.
And the moment doesn't end, as he pulls you further into the dressing room while still kissing you, leaning you against a vanity and pressing your body completely against his, making you gasp and respond to his needy kiss in kind.
Unfortunately, the kiss doesn't last as long as you would have liked, as a voice screams throughout the trailer.
"Next scene in five minutes! Everyone to the set, please!"
You and Aemond part abruptly, with surprised and terrified looks on your faces, instantly keeping your distance and pretending nothing has happened.
You head along with him toward the set, trying to hide any trace of the intimacy you both shared moments ago. And as you immerse yourself in the frenetic pace of the shoot, the complicity between the two of you manifests itself in small gestures and stolen glances.
And that's when the little relationship secretly begins.
Keeping the relationship a secret became a balancing act for both of you. As the connection you and he shared intensified, the need to hide the relationship became more and more crucial.
In the trailer and on set when you were around more people, as he did you had to learn to act as naturally as ever, carefully concealing any trace of intimacy.
Encounters became completely secret, kisses and caresses behind dressing rooms or in the trailer when you were alone, always alert to the possibility of being discovered. Even in the dressing room, it became a meeting place, where they could enjoy a moment alone.
You could also talk freely by call or text, but both he and you preferred to see each other in person.
That's why on days off, which were few, Aemond always took you to more private places. One night, for example, he took you to dinner at a small restaurant outside of town.
If it wasn't a restaurant, it was to invite you to a small coffeeshop and more discreet places, out of the reach of prying eyes, where he still had to go covered by his characteristic hair.
And when neither of them had the spirit to be always alert, you went to his apartment or he to yours, where they could act with total freedom and even go further.
In Aemond you found a friend, an accomplice and practically the perfect man for you, not because of what he possesses and who he is out there for everyone to see, but because of who he really is, inside.
You simply couldn't help but fall deeply in love with him and that fortunately he reciprocated as strongly as you did, wanting you and only you.
And although the fear of discovery added a touch of dangerous excitement to the relationship, the weight of keeping it all a secret was beginning to generate emotional conflict.
The strain of keeping up appearances and the constant need for vigilance began to wear on you. And as the relationship progresses, you can't help but wonder if there will ever be a chance to be free with Aemond.
But you both know it's not possible.
Much less will it be when one day, Aemond lets you know the news.
"I need to talk to you about something," he says in a serious and defeated tone, taking your hands in his.
He has come unexpectedly to your apartment and that seemed strange to you, but now that he is telling you this and behaving like this, you know it is for a reason and it is not a good one.
"Is everything okay?" you ask him intently and with your brow furrowed.
He sighs before answering, looking sad.
"Production and my manager are pressuring me to fake a relationship with my co-star in a promotional campaign. They say it will help generate more interest in the show."
And there are the consequences of having this relationship on the quiet with him.
Aemond's face contorts in anguish as he sees the expression on your face of mild surprise and definitely not expecting to hear that.
"I promise you that I refused and did everything in my power not to do this Y/N, but I didn't accomplish nothing and…. I-It shouldn't take more than three months, I swear."
He explains, but the sharp pain in your chest is already there and remains, as you begin to imagine what this is all going to be like.
You press your lips together in a thin line and not knowing what to say or what exactly to do, you let out a long breath and watch your hands with his, processing what he is telling you and what he will have to do next.
Even though you understand the demands of the industry and everything about marketing, still the idea of Aemond faking a relationship with someone else makes you feel weird and uncomfortable.
But what can you really do? Nothing.
This is his job and you're not going to get upset with him when you know it's not his fault and that this is what he does in order to make a living.
"When?" you ask him watching him with your soft gaze but with a slightly sad expression.
He lets out a sigh.
"I don't know, I just know that they are already setting everything up," he tells you frustrated with his low and serious voice, "But I need you to be okay with this, Y/N," he looks at you worried, "I know it will be hard for both of us but I don't want this to affect us when you know the truth behind everything and why I do it."
You watch him for a few seconds without saying anything, as you feel a lump in your throat and also feel the helplessness he conveys for all of this, as he really doesn't want to do this.
But he must meet the professional expectations of the production company and you have no choice but to support him.
"Well," you say softly, trying to hide your hurt look by forcing a small smile to reassure him, "These are the production company's decisions and you must do it. And you don't need to worry about me, you know I'll support you."
He takes his gaze away from yours for a second, letting out a longer sigh than before, then takes your face gently in his hands.
"Of course I worried about you, sweetheart," he murmurs with tiredness, then draws you into a tight, tender embrace.
He leaves a gentle kiss on your head and even though he is relieved that you understood, he still feels remorse and anguish because if he were you, of course he would disagree and it would hurt quite a bit.
But this is work and he really doesn't have much choice.
And when you least expect it, the moment arrives.
The next few weeks are a complete whirlwind of emotions for you as you watch the fictional relationship of Aemond and his co-star, the famously gorgeous actress Cerelle Lannister, prepare to come to light.
Joint promotions take them both to photo shoots and interviews where they must show complicity and affection. And seeing Aemond sharing moments that used to be just yours and his, now in the public sphere with someone other than you, becomes a painful test.
One evening, you see photos of Aemond and Cerelle having dinner at a famous restaurant downtown and all the photos show the complicit smiles and affectionate gestures.
And even though you know it's part of the act, you can't help but feel a knot in your stomach seeing them together. And even worse, seeing how the public is fascinated and in love with their relationship.
It is for all this that you no longer see him frequently and there is only communication by messages.
And when he finally has a space in his schedule, he takes the opportunity to see you, where you at all times try to look as if you are not affected by all this, so as not to worry him and frustrate him when you know he has a lot of weight on his shoulders.
He still apologizes and tries to make it up to you, but in the midst of your soothing words, the pain is reflected in your gaze.
And that's what you do for the next few weeks, you continue to support him from the shadows while he and Cerelle put on a show and are the center of attention.
At first you had told yourself not to see anything about them on the internet, but you can't help it and you see the pictures, read the headlines in the magazines and with each new performance, you feel a slight sharp pain in your heart.
When the day of a big awards event arrives where directors, producers, script writers, the academy members, the press and of course the actors and actresses attend, where precisely Aemond and Cerelle attend together as a couple officially in front of all public eye.
Images and videos of the two sharing laughter and affectionate gestures spread through every social network, while you, from your apartment, watch the scene with a mixture of pride as this is important in Aemond's career but also feel a deep sadness that threatens to overflow.
You wish it was you instead of her.
It's been months since you and Aemond started this relationship behind everyone's back and you want that, to be able to touch him and be with him in public.
But you can't.
And you can't stand this anymore either.
You decide to watch movies and change the channel, not wanting to focus on them anymore, trying to ignore your emotions and your wounded heart, not wanting to do anything else tonight but just forget and stay in the comfort of your bed.
After two hours, your phone starts ringing, indicating an incoming call and when you look at the screen, Aemond's name appears, but you decide not to answer.
You don't feel like talking to him, you don't want to get upset with him when he is not to blame for anything and start an unnecessary fight, so you prefer not to talk.
But after that call, Aemond insistent calls you a couple more times, in which you decide not to answer as well.
At your lack of response, he can't help but feel worried, thinking that you must be feeling bad because of him even though you understand why he's doing all this. And once the rewards are over, he in covered takes his car and drives to your apartment.
As he drives, his mind is filled with thoughts of how to talk to you and find the right words to ease the tension in both of you. But the nervousness doesn't let him think clearly nor has he forgotten the overwhelming awards he had to attend to.
Once he arrives at your door, he just hopes you're okay, even though he knows you're not and knocks three times.
"Y/N? It's Aemond," he says cautiously and hopeful that you will open the door, wanting to speak and see you.
The silence lingers for a few moments before you finally open the door, where the slight surprise of seeing him here at this hour is reflected in your gaze, not understanding anything. And he just sighs, feeling guilty.
"You didn't respond to my calls or messages and I got worried," he explains to you briefly and in a soft voice, "I needed to see you."
Despite all the emotions you're feeling, the fact that he's come looking for you shows you that he really cares about you and wants to do everything he can to make you okay.
You watch him silently for a moment and nod slowly in his direction with a look of understanding.
"I'm fine," you reply softly, wanting to convince him as well as yourself.
"No, I know you're not," he insists, concerned, "I-I… I know this is all very difficult and I don't want you to feel pressured, but…" he lets out a frustrated sigh, "I'm here to talk if you need to."
Appreciating his sincerity silently and seeing how terribly worried he is, you let him in.
The two of you have a difficult but necessary conversation, where neither of you have any intention of ending this thing you have together and where he's willing to show you that he doesn't care about Cerelle, just you.
"I only want you, baby. You and no one else," he murmurs lovingly and with desire in his gaze, closing his eye and catching your lips in a needy, deep kiss.
You respond in kind, gasping into his lips and bringing your hands to stroke his hair, clinging to him completely as he brings his hands to your waist and ass, squeezing the soft skin of both your ass cheeks.
"Do you mean it?" you ask in the middle of the kiss, beginning to feel the wetness between your legs.
"Yes, I fucking mean it," he replies against your lips, biting and sucking on your lips again.
You moan as he begins to leave a trail of kisses all over your neck, biting and leaving little marks on your sensitive skin, making you shiver all over your body and begin to feel the hardness in his pants against your pelvis.
Absentmindedly he brings one of his hands up and caresses one of your breasts over your shirt, making you moan and continue kissing him as he brings his hands back down to your thighs.
"Oh, Aemond," you whine.
"Fuck," he murmurs in delight, making you wrap your legs around his torso and feel directly on your needy clit, his cock hard and in need of release, "Such a needy little thing, arent you?"
His mouth roams and kisses every exposed part of your skin, as he pulls you along with him towards your couch, making you sit on top of him and you desperately begin to seek relief as you cause friction between your bodies.
He groans into your mouth, feeling his cock throb and ache.
"Can I take this off?" he grabs the edge of your shirt and you nod desperately, needy.
You are not wearing a bra and when your breasts are out in the open, Aemond lets out a curse as he stares at your breasts fully aroused to take one of your nipples into his mouth, making you arch and bring his face closer to your breasts.
Not long after that he too takes off his shirt and you free his cock from its confines and then start riding him, unable to wait a moment longer.
"Shit," he hisses, "You feel so good, baby. So fucking good."
You moan loudly as he brings one of his hands to your already swollen clit and starts massaging it with two fingers, making you moan and making you move your hips with more fervor on top of him, as your skin slaps and rattles with his beneath you.
That night, not only does he fuck you on your couch, he fucks you on your bed too, not being able to get enough of you, loving to see your whole face contorted in pleasure as he fucks you against your bed hard, his cock continually thrusting in and out of you, the sound of skin against skin being heard.
You bite down on his shoulder and wrap your legs around his torso again, feeling him deeper, as Aemond kisses you and draws his eyebrows together in concentration and pleasure.
"Are you going to let me fill this pretty pussy with my cum again, baby? I want to feel you fucking cum all over my cock."
He brings his hand to your clit again and begins to massage it furiously, wanting to watch you crumble and feel you do it around his cock, while you moan and bite his shoulder and neck.
"Oh y-yes, Ae-mond,"you moan.
You close your eyes, escape a quiet moan, arch your back fully and feel the whole wave of euphoria wash over your entire body, seeing stars behind your eyes.
And with one last hard thrust, Aemond cums inside you letting out a grunt and hiding his whole face in the curve of your neck, leaving a couple of wet kisses once you both come back to earth and melt into each other's arms.
A few weeks later, you're back at work and Aemond starts filming a new movie for Netflix, so you don't see each other as often as you used to.
Aemond's schedule is very tight and he still does everything he can to be able to see you and spend time with you, while you in comparison to him have more free time but can't spend it with him because of his work.
And it is in that same time that you start to feel strange, but you hadn't connected the dots until the signs became too obvious to ignore.
One day, while working on set, fatigue suddenly overwhelmed you and a persistent nausea made you realize that something was going on. Suddenly lack of appetite appeared and seeing things too sweet or chicken or meat meals made you sick to your stomach.
Or also weird cravings started, which your mind started to scare you with possibly confirming what you were thinking.
During a break in the filming, you discreetly retreat to the bathroom, feeling the need for a moment to yourself. And as you look in the mirror, you notice the pallor on your face and the different glow in your eyes.
Completely terrified, you wait for your break from work and rush to the pharmacy, buying three pregnancy tests of different brands and supposedly the best.
And once at home, everything is silent, as the seconds tick by and you feel like you are drowning in your own thoughts.
You're not ready to be a mom, in fact the thought of having children was never something you wanted or wanted in the long run, because you're still young, you have your dream job at only twenty-two years old and to stop focusing on your dreams and goals to focus on those of a child… it's not something you want.
But the pregnancy test you hold in your trembling hand confirms your suspicions, as do the other tests, all positive.
Fear totally grips you, not only because of the fact that you are pregnant, but because of the implications this brings to your life and also to Aemond's life.
God, Aemond.
You think completely terrified, starting to cry, feeling the pressure in your chest.
You know this will stop and totally ruin his career.
You imagine yourself facing the critical gaze of the media, the headlines of magazines and news websites, as well as the constant speculation about your personal life.
You feel completely scared and hopeless, having no idea what Aemond's reaction will be, but you know this is not good, a baby, right now is not good, not for you and certainly not for him.
But you must tell him. You know you must. Regardless, how could you keep something like this from him?
It takes you two days to finally get up the courage to tell him and as you wait for him in your apartment, the pregnancy test rests in your trembling, sweaty hands, feeling completely frightened amidst all the silence around you.
Your eyes burn from crying so much, you feel like you have no strength, you feel weak and you haven't been able to sleep well and you don't even want to imagine how you will be later when Aemond finds out and everything between you will probably go wrong.
The sound of the door makes you jump nervously, knowing it's him.
You feel more fear and uncertainty flood you but you force yourself to get up from your couch and head to open the door, feeling that you will burst into tears at any moment.
As you open it, Aemond's handsome face and his usual smile was nothing like your face, being quite the opposite, so noticing your state his smile drops and he looks at you completely distressed and worried as you let out a few tears silently.
"Hey, hey," Aemond holds your face in his hands, his thumbs gently caressing your cheeks. His concern is palpable in the way his eyes search yours for answers. "What happened, baby? Are you okay?"
You sniffle your nose, inhale deeply and keep your eyes closed for a moment, only causing Aemond more unease when you don't utter a word.
"Y/N, what happened?" he insists, his tone laden with anxiety and seriousness.
"I'm really sorry," you murmur sadly to him, feeling each word weigh heavy in your chest and a sense of hopelessness creep over you.
"You're sorry, for what? What happened?" he asks again, completely confused and uncomprehending.
"I'm… I-I'm pregnant," you mumble in a broken voice, as if uttering those words would make reality more concrete.
Aemond's face remains completely static, his eyes wide open, watching you as tears slide down your cheeks. The gravity of the news is reflected in the tense silence that appears between the two of you.
"What?" he mutters under his breath, barely audible but laden with disbelief.
You nod slowly, reaching out to him for the proof you hold in your trembling hand. And every second that passes as he analyzes it feels like an eternity as you wait for his reaction.
But he barely processes the information, takes the evidence between his fingers and the seconds stretch out like hours as you feel your heart beating too fast.
But Aemond's face shows neither anger nor joy.
And finally he reacts by bringing his hands to his hair, his eye fixed on the evidence for a moment and then looking at a spot in your living room, beginning to see frustration and surprise invade him more.
He lets out a sigh and turns his gaze back to you in a desperate manner.
"Hey, baby," he says to you now nervously, "Are you absolutely sure?"
You nod slowly.
"I did three tests, all three came back positive."
He brings a hand to his forehead, averting his gaze from yours for a moment. His eyes reflect tumultuous thoughts, a mixture of thoughts ranging from disbelief to concern.
"But how?" he watches you blankly, still with surprise painted in his gaze.
"You didn't use a condom and I took the pill, but it didn't work," you tell him in a hopeless voice, trying to explain the inexplicable.
"Oh, fuck," he murmurs, biting his lips and bringing a hand to his chin.
"I'm sorry, I really am. I didn't mean for this to happen either," you admit to him, your tears streaming down your cheeks.
You feel the need to apologize as if this burden is something only you should carry, the vulnerability clear in your tone of voice and on your face, which worries Aemond more at seeing you in such a state.
"Hey, no, don't, don't do that, don't apologize," he says instantly, turning back to you and placing a hand on your cheek, "We're both part of this, you understand me? You're not to blame for anything and I'm not going to leave you alone," he assures you, completely honest and determined with his words.
And despite the gravity of the situation, you feel a huge relief come over you knowing that you are not alone in this, as he looks at your sad face, with your dry tears and red eyes.
And then he places a soft kiss on your lips and encloses you in a comforting embrace that is all you need at that moment.
You knew that Aemond would eventually have to tell his manager and his team as well, however, you didn't expect him to do it on the same day you let him know the news and you didn't expect all his people to start working so soon on this, on your pregnancy.
You call his agent and in an instant he, along with his publicist and his team of public relations people, invade your apartment.
And his agent, Criston Cole, doesn't have time to start reproaching him for having had a secret relationship with you all this time, although the anger is there but the important thing is the baby on the way, where he can't do anything either because it's already in your womb.
So he only talks about solutions.
And it is precisely because of these painful solutions for you that you decided to run away and disappear from his life to save his career and also your child.
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nat20composure · 2 months
Text
Astarion and Agency- The Necessity of Discomfort to Self Discovery and the Infantilization of Victims
Minor Astarion discourse ahead that mentions the treatment of SA victims post-abuse:
I want to open this post up just with like. The statement that I don't think there is a correct way to enjoy media and that I LOVE to see individual head cannons and takes on characters in media. I think that is also, to a degree, an integral part of video games because of how unique the experience of playing a game will be to every person who plays it. But it has been making me feel so incredibly sad looking through fan content, art, or discourse for BG3 specifically because of how many people have taken the route of infantilizing Astarion.
I understand the instinct to shield or protect an individual that you love and care for. I also understand that because of the nature of the things that Astarion goes through, a lot of people also feel very deep emotional stakes in him. I'm one of the many fans of the character who is a victim of SA and CSA, I really do get it. That is also why for me personally it is so demoralizing to watch so many people treat him like he is a child who cannot make his own decisions or stand up for himself. Part of that frustration stems from it feeling like a media literacy issue, and the other part of that sense of defeat is just because it feels indicative of a broader attitude that people seem to hold towards victims of abuse, particularly those who are victims of SA.
To explain what I mean by people infantilizing him: I see so many people refuse to allow him the opportunity to be hurt, or to feel uncomfortable. They see this character who has been through an immensely horrible and traumatic experience, and their instinct is to try and shield him from anything else that has the potential to upset him. I get that the people who want that aren't doing it with malicious intent, but frankly it is not really...Helpful? To try and prevent victims from Experiencing Discomfort tm. I also think it kind of disregards the entire thesis of Astarion's character and arc.
When you go through something that robs you of your selfhood and agency, the world can become a crushingly terrifying place. In Astarion, that fear presents itself in a desperation for power, control, and at the core of both of these desires- Safety. One thing the game is clear about is that he has a right to kill his abuser. He has a right to escape his situation. A lot of Astarion's personal arc is centered around being able to finally do that. But the game doesn't just leave it off at getting him to safety. So much of it is also about him needing to take responsibility for himself and his actions, with needing to learn who he as a person is.
The inclusion of the Gur children and Sebastian as characters is a good example of ways in which the game gives Astarion the opportunity to take responsibility. I think that if the intention of the arc was meant to be that "Astarion should never ever have to deal with being afraid or uncomfortable again", then the Ascended arc wouldn't Come with such heavy moral ramifications, like sacrificing the other people just like him, killing the victims he lured in, literal child murder. The game infers that he doesn't deserve to die because of the things he Needed to do to survive, but it also makes it very clear that there is a difference between addressing an Active Threat and using your fear as an excuse to hurt others. Breaking that cycle of abuse when he finally gets the chance to is what separates Spawn Astarion from Cazador.
Taking responsibility for himself, and letting himself sit in the discomfort of vulnerability ultimately ends up being a thing that he is very proud of and cherishes. If you tell him you will make sure nothing like that ever again he himself says that he doesn't want you to be his protector. And so it blows my mind when people go into all of these discussions about Astarion with this...Weird moral high ground for never, ever making or letting him make choices that might hurt him?
I see this the most when it comes to discussions about the possible polyamorous relationship with Halsin and the interaction with the drow twins in the brothel. So many people are just...outright angry? At other people engaging with either of those options? And I feel like that anger is one) rooted in the projection of their Own feelings on non-monogamy and what a victim of SA can or cannot look like. and two) Relies on undermining the agency that Astarion BEGS you for at every turn.
When it comes to the drow twins, the game adapts Astarion's response to them based on where he is in his own personal development (a really cool thing imo). Obviously, if he still doesn't feel good or safe about engaging with sex he declines and says you can feel free, though he hopes you aren't just doing it because he hasn't had sex with you. I think this makes sense: He's just gotten out of a situation where his Safety and worth were directly tied to him having sex. I imagine he feels afraid that not wanting to have sex with you makes him replaceable or inadequate because at this point in the game, he feels like that's all he has to offer. The interaction is relatively the same if you ask him for a poly amorous relationship with Halsin: He just asks you to reassure him that you aren't only doing it because he hasn't had sex with you, and then tells you he isn't worried about it otherwise.
A lot of people have taken the expression of that insecurity in combination with him still allowing you to go forward and do these things as him just "sucking it up" because he's afraid of losing you. (I am aware Shadowheart says he wouldn't be able to handle it when you ask her if you can date both of them- But keep in mind, Astarion says she wouldn't be able to either, and THAT obviously isn't true of her. For the purposes of this discussion I'm only including interactions with Astarion as a judgement of his character.) I understand that concern, but I feel this take disregards so many other points of dialogue, and is also continually rooted in the baseline vilification of discomfort.
To further go into it, the way that he speaks about both of these interactions changes significantly if you speak to him about it once he is completely free from Cazador, and has had time to allow himself to start reconnecting with himself and his sexuality on his terms. He has absolutely No reservations about an open or poly relationship with Halsin, and says he trusts that things will be ok because he one) feels secure in Your relationship and two) Knows Halsin is experienced and trusts him to not be a messy bitch about it.
I think that shift, in combination with the in game explanation of why he isn't ok with being in that sort of relationship with the other Origin Characters (for Lae'zel and Wyll, he says they'd never agree to that. For Shadowheart, he says she's not experienced with open relationships and that he doesn't think it'd work out. For Karlach, that it would break her heart. And for Gale, he says you need standards.) is a pretty good indicator that he doesn't actually care about polyamory or monogamy. I think the vilification of that choice relies on you picking and choosing when you do or do not believe Astarion or just outright not liking non-monogamy in the first place. This interaction has more to do with the player's choice and comfort level, and so is not as important to the broader discussion I am trying to have in this post.
The interaction that is more pertinent to not Allowing him to make decisions is, I think, the drow twins. If you interact with the drow twins after the completion of the Cazador questline, he is outright giddy at the prospect of interacting with the Drow twins. Specifically stating that he is excited to see how he likes these sorts of things now that he's free.
NOW- I do NOT think that he enjoys the act. The game makes that abundantly clear, and I'm not arguing that he has a great time. He obviously does not, and dissociates during it. That being said, allowing this interaction to happen does not make a player evil or selfish. You are not playing the hero if you decide to moderate his choices just because you do not think he is ready for it. Once again, no one is evil for Not doing it either, and I am not saying anybody has to want to. I am just saying that treating this choice like it is an evil choice to make relies on completely disregarding what He wants to do.
Astarion says so many times in the game that he is anxious about finally having the freedom to find out what he wants to do, and I think that his excitement for the drow twin exchange is one of the opportunities the game gives him to make a choice. He makes that choice- And it sucks for him. He doesn't enjoy the act, and having done it he would be able to move forward knowing that. I think it's really cool and important that the game represents that facet of recovering as a victim. While you are trying to renavigate who you are, you are going to make a million new choices you never had before. And sometimes those choices are going to suck ass. It would be a different matter if he knew these things would hurt him and went ahead and did them anyway. But so many people expect him to move forward avoiding even the Potential of being hurt, and I think that is extremely reductive of his arc and who he is.
Beyond the matter of interpersonal relationships, the choice between Ascending or not Ascending Astarion is not a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils. It is a choice between his fear and his humanity. Between letting his trauma and his fear define him for the rest of his immortal life, and allowing him the vulnerability of deciding who he is when he isn't running from the world. When he's willing to listen to the parts of himself that want to do right, that wants meaningful connection, that wants to be proud of himself. That wants to meet himself. To confront who he is when someone else isn't deciding that for him.
Astarion as a character is extremely ambitious, inquisitive, and adventurous, three traits that only become more and more evident as he breaks free from letting his own fear dictate how he lives his life. I don't understand how so many people can see him and want to take the core of his character away from him, when he spends the entire game fighting desperately to take it back.
Victims are not casts of the abuse they have gone through. Their shapes may be changed by the hands of others, they may have to relearn how to be the person they want to be. But they are not broken or irreparable or fragile. They do not need to be freed from the grip of one person to be held tight in the grip of another. It is so fucking unfair and self-important to think that your hands will be the ones that fix them. That your hands know better than theirs. I think the kindest thing you can do for a person is to trust them with themselves, and to listen when they tell you who they are and what they want. Please listen to the voices that have only just learned to speak. It is the only way they can get better at doing it.
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kysuguru · 8 months
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dear mother — stsg x fem!reader
synopsis : you’ve finally enrolled into jujutsu tech, sad thing is, you’re totally clueless.
includes / cw : emotionally abusive mother
all mine masterlist
a /n : ch1 of my “all mine” series!!!
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"i'm ogawa [name]. i'm from sendai japan. please take care of me."
you bow politely. smiling at the tiny class of three as you rise, posture nervous and stiff.
"if i knew there was someone new i would've thrown a welcome party!" a white haired boy who's eyes are protected by circular black glasses exclaims excitedly, a smile big on his lips. you admit you're a bit intimidated. the idea of a party for you seems a bit over the top, though.
a boy on his left scoffs almost affectionately, the soft look he sends to his counterpart familiar to you. you always looked at the street cats like that, your mother as well (you try not to think about it). he has a bang over his left eye, you wonder if someone has ever tried to tuck it behind his ear.
"there's no need for a party. my arrival can't be that exciting," you chuckle shyly.
they all analyze you. so you settle with looking at your shuffling shoes.
"she speaks so formally." the gojo boy leans over with a hand cupped around his mouth as he whispers to his best friend, causing you to look up. it's a bit silly that he's acting as if he's whispering a secret even though everyone can hear him.
his friend eyes you apologetically.
there's another girl, the only one who seems actually interested as she stares you down. you flinch as you catch her gaze. her hair is short, in a brown bob that frames her face perfectly. her bangs are tucked behind her ear and there's a mole you catch on her face that convinces you she's model worthy.
other than your mother you've never thought a woman was so pretty.
"so new girl, what's your cursed technique."
new girl.. but i swore i said my name. did i not?
ignoring the white haired boy's lack of manners was easy, since you weren't all that aware he was being rude.
"i actually... don't know."
all three students chorused at the same time.
"hah?"
scouted? me? when you heard such a thing, you were confused and honestly, really surprised. you weren't talented by any means. outside of studying you didn't have much going on. not only that, but your mother kept you in the house a lot. so to hear of someone from jujutsu tech finding you worthy enough to attend had you blinking, astonished.
you were aware of what jujutsu was, cursed techniques and all of that jazz, but your knowledge was still limited beyond that. your mom was adamant on you not attending for reasons she refused to tell. obviously you didn't push. you never liked seeing her with a temper.
the man who recommended you was named yaga masamichi. he'd taken note of the significant amount of cursed energy you possessed when passing by you on your way to school. your family weren't jujutsu sorcerers from what you were aware of — you honestly weren't even sure that there were jujutsu sorcerers or people like you until now. but you'd never put it past your mom to hide something like that from you.
she always kept jujutsu related talk under wraps, only giving you little information to quell your curiosity.
you didn't even know what your cursed technique was. or if you even had one. even though you tried to understand why she does what she does, it still felt very lonely — seeing such heinous creatures and having to pretend they didn't exist for your own safety.
if it weren't for the fact that you instinctively learned to control your cursed energy output, you could've been in serious danger.
and although it was painful to go through such things alone — not being able to confide in a single person — you understood why your mother did it. all she wanted to do was keep you safe.
and even if you followed all of her rules of no jujutsu to a T, you couldn't help the sensation of excitement and relief knowing that there were so many other people out there just like you. a school of them, even.
you wanted badly to be upset with your mother, the fact that she knew about all of this and kept it from you. but even the thought of being angry at her when all she wanted was to protect you had you pushing down those foolish feelings.
other than secretive, your mother was also very stubborn. a trait that you always admired until this very moment.
she argued that you didn't belong into a school that was practically a death trap for young teens. always listening to your mother like an obedient puppy, you looked down at the floor, preparing for the inevitable rejection, expression sad as you shuffled your shoes alongside your mothers that were planted firm on the ground — you resisted the urge to distance yourself from her.
your eyes drifted to the shoes that were yaga's hoping no one would question your silence (they never did).
your mother wasn't a bad person. never that. but sometimes you couldn't help but get upset at the decisions she made in your stead. you wouldn't say that she didn't consider you, but sometimes it kinda felt that way.
"i get where you're coming from. jujutsu tech is a dangerous place and i hate to bring such young talented kids into such risks. but you have to understand your daughters side," he gestured towards you, your mothers eyes dropping to your head that perked up before they glared back at yaga.
"how do you think she feels knowing she has the opportunity to branch out and gain knowledge about these abilities. do you think she wants to stay ignorant because you do?"
your ears rang as the last sentence was spoken.
"do you think she wants to stay ignorant because you do?"
it resonated with you in a way you couldn't comprehend. all you could do was clutch your chest as a foreign feeling of relief left your choked up throat in a bated breath. the exhale feeling as if you were being freed from something. being seen.
"[name], my sweet darling baby," she caressed the top of your head. it was instinct to lean into her touch, even though at the moment you couldn't sort out how you felt towards her.
she's protecting you. the words whisper in your ear, like a disease that is incurable, like a predator that sinks its fangs and refuses to let go.
"mommy wants you to stay home with her. please consider it. it's so dangerous out there, and i really don't want you to get hurt," she cooed. it made you feel sick and you hated not knowing why. even though her words were meant to console you, they only made you want to run.
your eyes were glued to the dirty mat that you and your mother refused to clean, maybe because it was the most familiar thing in this constant changing house. there were five pairs of shoes, you, yaga, and mother and two unworn pairs off to the side, both meant for other occasions, better ones. ones that don't include the ringing of your ears and the well of your tears as they collect on your lashes. maybe it's an occasion where you're at a nice dinner with your mom, a rare treat whenever she deemed herself in the mood.
the bigger pair of shoes shifted. yaga.
"miss ogawa. i don't mean to overstep, but have you considered you're babying your 15 year old child? maybe you need to consider that she can make her own-"
"don't you dare tell me how to parent my own damn child." her voice is dripping with venom, the venom that seeps through you and whispers in your ear.
i just want to protect you.
your mothers anger was never a calm one, it was loud and furious, voice bouncing off the walls as she tried restraining herself from getting violent. so hearing her talk to the man in such a familiar tone had you quivering in her hold.
your mother, never under the assumption that she could ever be the reason you were upset, deduced that your shivers were caused by yaga.
so she glares, long and hard, and her lips move to form the words you were dreading, "my daughter is not attending your shit school. get out of my house.”
...
other than the sound of life beyond the door, there only laid cold, anxious silence.
you were afraid to look up, your mother's shirt being your only anchor. but from the resigned sigh that left yaga's lips, you were well aware of the expression he was making — one of anger, and disappointment. realizing that seeking you out was a waste of his time.
or so you assumed.
for he could only look at you in pity, acknowledging how painful a relationship like this must be for you, and in longing, hoping foolishly that he could lend a helping hand.
a rough calloused hand entered your vision, a piece of ripped paper in the grip of his fingers.
yaga gestured it towards you patiently, a look of sorrow marring his usually calm expression. "if there's a change, please call this number."
your mom ripped it from his grasp right before you could touch it. she crumpled it in her hand. "there won't be a change. now get the fuck out of my house."
you could only stare in horror at your mothers fist that held the only thing that could possibly change the trajectory of your life. even as yaga bowed and turned around, even as the door slammed shut behind him. even as mother soothed you with quiet coos meant for a baby, even as she turned towards the kitchen to start on dinner, even as she sat you down and commented on your silence. even as she watched you absentmindedly pick on your food, even as she started to become agitated at your lack of response, and even as she treaded up the stairs to her bedroom. your eyes stayed glued to that one hand.
you blinked, eyes dry and mouth parched as you suddenly remembered that you weren't at the front door anymore while your mother cradled you in her arms.
your eyes drift to the front door, and you approach it slowly. you don't know why you stand there or why your hand touched the door knob.
maybe it's because you're hopeful that the man is behind this door. waiting patiently for you to open it, prepared with the words of acceptance. maybe something amongst it that helps you figure out what the hell to do.
"a school of them." you whispered, the only thing capable of leaving your dry mouth.
there was a school of them. proof that you really weren't alone in this cursed world. how could you possibly go back to the difficult life of acting as if everything was normal when it wasn't? blue auras were around everybody, and the grotesque creatures festered from the negative feelings surrounding those people. and there were those out there who knew how to get rid of those things for the sake of others.
knowing all of this, you couldn't stand by and not lend a hand, not learn to control the one thing that's burdened you your entire life. but..
you looked up the stairs, seeing just the top of your mothers door.
what would she do? she needed you. you both took care of each other, you couldn't leave her behind.
but you needed this. you wanted to figure all of this out. control theses abilities and hopefully get to know people who were just like you. and... you could always come back.
yeah.
who said you had to stay? you would go, go to jujutsu high, reach your goals, and return to your mother.
because even though you may make friends with those of similar backgrounds to you, your mother was a constant in your life, never changing. you couldn't abandon her. you wouldn't.
so with this new resolve in your heart, you snuck up to her room. she kept her door creaked for unknown reasons, maybe to keep an eye on you, but you ignored that and thanked its convenience for this very moment.
she was asleep. snoring.
you treaded carefully over to the bed, eyes focused on the bags growing under her lashes. the sight made your lips twitch into a small frown. you delicately tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. listening to her steady breathing as she dreamt the night away.
"wait for me, mother.”
you turned away and grabbed the piece of paper off of her nightstand, leaving the room with a sense of urgency.
you dialed yaga's number after locking your bedroom door, pacing around in circles as the phone rung. the ringing resonated in your ears like a ticking clock. you didn't really have time. if he wouldn't answer now you'd never get your chance.
your mom was an early bird and you could already feel yourself getting drowsy.
"i mean. who even calls this late. he might be asleep..." you whisper defeatedly and pull the phone away from your ear to hang up, but it lights up with his icon and you jump in excitement.
"miss. ogawa?"
"masamichi-san. it's [name]."
Dear mother,
I've departed, something I'm sure you noticed. As much as I wanted to obey you, I couldn't just abandon the opportunity that could help change my life for the better. I know you were trying to protect me, and I know that it's dangerous. But I can't live knowing that my life could be different. I can't just sit by and watch this spark of light dim, let my world go dark again. I'm not like you, mother. I will not stay ignorant. Wait for me, please.
I lov-
a loud shrewd rip echoes through the quiet house. your mother's eyes are dull, face empty as she starts furiously ripping the paper to shreds.
she suddenly screams out in anger, tears of frustration bubbling and blurring her vision. she grips her hair in agony as she starts chanting curses.
"dammit dammit, dammit!! i told her it was dangerous. i told her. damn her!! good for nothing daughter... not listening to a fucking word i say!!"
your mom stomps angrily out of her room, not caring for the small pieces of paper she tramples over.
"I love you,"
"mother."
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harlowhockeystick · 2 months
Text
LOVESTRUCK, WENT STRAIGHT TO MY HEAD ⎯ S. CROSBY
y/n just wants the best for her son, she thinks the program rule of no freshmen players on varsity is stupid. she just did what any mother would do...right?
coach!sidney crosby x teacher!single mom!reader
warnings: angst, smut (fingering, handjob, sex on a table), somewhat of an inappropriate relationship, single parent content, light talk of divorce, lowkey based off of "slut!" by taylor swift
word count: 4,244
a/n: look at that....i do still know how to write
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The bitterness of the coffee wasn’t doing it’s job. On her third cup and it’s not even ten in the morning, Y/N waits for the next period of students to walk through her door. Taking in one of the few moments of silence she has, she refreshes the page on the sports page on the school website, itching to see her son’s name. 
Carter had tryouts with the hockey team last week, he had been talking about it since the beginning of the month. He was training every day to make varsity; in leagues ever since he was ten years old every single coach and spectator could not brag enough on how much talent he had. Y/N was pressured to send him across the country, even out of the country, to go to the top hockey camps but as a single mother she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t bear to send her baby off to some strangers for a few months, and she couldn't afford to move away from family either. 
But her heart dropped as she refreshed the page, pulled up this season's roster, and saw her son’s name and number on the junior varsity roster instead of varsity. She didn’t understand it, she was told by the coaches herself that he was the best kid on the ice that day. Why didn’t he make varsity? 
Her questions were interrupted by students flooding into the classroom for the start of the next period. She pulled herself out of her thoughts to then teach this class period. Reluctantly though. 
-
The final bell rang and that meant she was done for the day. Saying goodbye to her students Y/N started to gather papers and put them in the “to grade” folder to take home with her before tidying up some areas of the room. She anticipated her son’s arrival. Ever since moving up to high school he always stopped by her room at the end of the day to talk about school and help her carry things to her car. 
“I didn’t make it.” Carter said as a greeting when he walked in the empty room. His face was defeated, his tall slender frame was slumped over in sadness and his eyes welling with tears. Out of all people Y/N knew and saw how hard he worked to make varsity his freshman year. He skated over fifty laps a day, worked on shots in the garage until way past dusk, he also started to lift more weights. 
“Oh baby, c’mere,” Y/N pulled her much taller son in for a hug. There he broke and rested into his mother's arms like a little kid again. He softly cried before pulling away. 
“I don’t get it mom, they told me i’d make it for sure, why would he tell me-” “Don’t worry about it son, I will talk to the coach first thing in the morning. I promise. But for now you have to play the cards you were dealt,” Y/N consoled her son in the way moms know how. Gathering her bags she gave the heaviest one to Carter to help carry out the building. They continued chatting on the way to her car, talking about school and homework he had for the week. Carter was a special kid, he deeply cared about his grade and education. He remembers promising his mom when he was younger that if he ever got to play hockey in college that he would get his degree and not go to the draft early. 
Carter was a momma’s boy through and through. His dad lived an hour away so he spent the weekends there twice a month, but he’s at his mom’s house the rest of the time. Carter is also protective of his mom too. He never told her this, but he’s beat in a couple boys’ faces because they made some lewd comments about her. He’s respectful of her, more than any other man on earth ever has been. Y/N is very proud of how she’s raised her son. 
“Okay son, go to practice. Have a positive attitude, don’t do anything stupid okay? I know you’re frustrated but just go into practice and do you, maybe they got you mixed up with someone else. But-” she saw his facial expressions change and get tense, she knew that he was still angry inside, “hey, don’t get mad at them. Wait until I talk and then you and I will figure something out.”
They walked in opposite directions, Carter to the athletic building and Y/N back to the school for one more item in her classroom. Hustling as best she can so she can get home, she runs into the person she didn’t want to speak to until in the morning. Coach Crosby. 
She felt her body coil and tense up in anger at just the sight. She was supposed to wait until morning, but her tongue got the best of her. 
“Coach! Hey, can I ask you a quick question?” she pulls him to the side, into an empty classroom where the teacher had left for the day. 
“What’s up?” Sidney asked, sitting down on one of the wooden desks. He was wearing black joggers, a tight pullover with a school cap on. Y/N couldn’t help but notice how the material of his clothing clung to his toned body. He had been out of the professional league for at least two years, but he still kept up the physical shape of his body, and it was obvious by the way his pants were stretching at the seams on his thighs. 
“I really don’t want to be that parent, but can you tell me why Carter didn’t make varsity?” Sidney cocks his head to the side. He’s only been on sight three months and he’s already dealing with this. 
“Well, it’s my understanding that freshmen must be on the JV team, no matter how good they are. That rule was put in place before I got here.” He explained while crossing his arms over his chest, his muscles making his pullover look incredibly small on his frame. “He’s a good kid though, he’ll make great improvements this year and I'll look forward to having him on varsity next year.” Sidney said, trying to end the conversation and smooth things over.
“But…you’re the new coach. This is your program now, not someone else’s.” Y/N couldn’t really understand what he was getting at. Did he not see the potential in her son that everyone seemed to say? Did he not see the great player, the great athlete that Carter was? Maybe it was just her being a mother, and so obviously her child is the best compared to other kids. But she swore she didn’t want to be like those parents. She remembers being a kid in youth sports herself and hated parents who thought their kid should be player of the week every week. In her mind, she needed to earn player of the week because of her work ethic, not because her parents were board members. 
“Right but I'm not trying to ruffle any feathers my first year. This is barely my program, I need to establish relationships before I change things here,” Y/N takes a step closer to Sidney, her hands folded in front of her. 
“But you’re Sidney Crosby, who can say no to you?” God she feels horrible for doing this, she feels like…like some junior league mom whose husband has nothing between his ears. But she thinks, if she can just rile him up for a minute, startle him, then he’ll change his mind and put Carter on varsity. That’s her end goal, get her son feeling better. If that means pretending to be a horny college student again, so be it. “I mean really, they had to give you this job cause they trust you. So obviously you can do what you want, like putting my son on your varsity team.”
He sighs, looking down at his shoes. He knows what she’s doing…and he can’t believe it’s sort of working. He hasn’t had a woman flirt with him in heaven knows how long. He doesn’t even know how to respond to such a thing anymore. His life for the past almost twenty years has been nothing but hockey. Sidney’s family has been asking him for a long time when he is going to settle down with someone, but nobody ever scratched that itch quite like hockey did. But now? That he’s got a woman in front of him, a gorgeous one at that, who’s buttering him up? Maybe he’ll give in…just to see what it feels like. 
“Your son is a hell of a player, Y/N. He really could go far,” His words got heavier as she got closer, he could smell her perfume, he could feel her breath, he could see her chest move up and down with every huff she took- “so put him on your team, Coach.” she put her hand on his chest softly and she sighed feeling his stern muscles. “C’mon, what’s it gonna take? Dinner and a show?” 
His eyes, dark and blown, looked into hers and if he remembers what the term eye fucking means then that’s exactly what they were doing. His breaths became short but heavy as she left a heavy hand on his chest. She rubbed her thumb over his cheek, trying her best to work her charm that she used to have. She hopes she’s still got it. 
He thinks, thinks, and thinks. This is a bad decision. 
“My place, six thirty tomorrow evening. Give me your best sales pitch, and we’ll see about the show.” 
Sidney stands up and for a brief second his nose bumps hers, an innocent touch but it makes him take a deep breath in to calm himself down. He exits the empty class room and takes long strides to get to practice, glancing at his watch he’s already a few minutes behind. 
-
She’s eternally grateful that Carter is with his dad this weekend. How could she explain to him that she’s not really going on a date…but she’s going to his coach's house with plans to seduce him..but again it’s not a date. Of course, she’d have to leave out the seducing part. She put on her best dress that she had, it was pretty simple but it hugged her figure nicely. She made sure to spritz some extra perfume on as well. 
The drive to Sidney’s house is silent, it’s her having fake conversations in her head about what to say or what not to say. Debating on if her seduction speech was still on date or if it’s too cheesy now. She suddenly feels like she lives in the lowest tax bracket possible when entering his neighborhood; she's never seen so many fake lawns before. She’s actually never been on this side of town much, except to look at christmas lights when Carter was younger. Now that he’s older he doesn’t care for that stuff anymore. 
“Nice place you’ve got,” she said walking into his entry way. To her surprise Sidney dressed up a little bit, wearing a button up with a nice pair of slacks, the top two buttons undone for visual purposes of course. He takes her coat and her purse, hanging it up by the door. “What’s on the menu?” 
“Well, I figured I'd go simple with just spaghetti and toast, with dessert to follow if that’s okay.” Sidney went into his pantry and pulled out a bottle of red wine. “This okay?” He holds the bottle in the air and she nods her head, sitting at his kitchen bar watching him pour a glass. She takes a glance at the label and she’s taken back. On her teacher salary she definitely can’t afford that brand.
Maybe she’s in over her head here- she didn’t think about any of this stuff. Suddenly she’s this woman who doesn’t have much to her name, sitting in a millionaire’s kitchen drinking wine that costs well over two hundred dollars- but damn if it doesn’t taste good. 
They make small talk before heading into the dining room where he sets dinner onto the table for her, such a gentleman. Continuing the semi dull conversation she thanks him for making a meal for her, joking that she’s never had a man make dinner for her. Only half true, her dad growing up would make dinners for her family. But when she married Carter’s dad, she was the chef in the family. Not that she was complaining, it was just odd for her to be on the reverse side for the first time in a while. 
“I am sorry about that idiotic rule, Y/N. Carter can easily be a varsity player.” Sidney broke the minute silence after finishing off his second glass of wine that night. She huffs, finishing her plate and scooting it away from her on the table. Was she really about to do this?
“Is there anything I can do, sidney? C’mon my boy’s in shambles, he’s thinking that he’s not as good as everyone makes him out to be,” Y/N reaches her hand out to rest on his softly. “Is there anything I can do?” 
Y/N hoped he knew what she was implying and that she didn’t have to say it out loud. 
And he did. 
He understood every word she said and the words that were left unsaid. He knew what she was implying and he knew what she was getting at. But Sidney hated that he was willing to do what she wanted. Y/N was leaning forward on the table, getting close enough to Sidney where he could smell her perfume and her lotion mixed together, he could see a couple small freckles up close as he couldn’t see them from a bit further away. 
There were no words exchanged between them, his eyes kept drifting from her tinted lips to her lustful eyes, back and forth a couple times before resting his hand on her cheek and pressing his lips against hers gently. Immediately he felt a rush of arousal- it’s just a kiss, really? He silently asked himself. He hadn’t gotten this aroused in a while, a long while. 
Both parties leaned into the kiss, wanting and aching for more. They tasted wine on each other and felt each other’s temperature begin to rise. Sidney got out of his chair, lips still connected to hers, and got closer. She stood up, one hand cupping his chin and the other resting on his chest, and she leaned against the dining table. She hadn’t made out with someone in years, she hopes she’s doing it right. 
She gets pushed onto the table just by the force of his body so now she’s sitting on the wooden table, Sidney standing in between her legs with both of his hands cupping her face. He doesn’t care if he seems desperate or if he seems needy, or if this is totally wrong and against almost all of the words he signed in his contract, he can’t seem to get enough of her. Sidney feels her play with the buttons of his shirt and how she begins to pull the shirt up and out of his dress pants. It was easy since he wasn’t wearing a belt. 
He didn’t even know that she completely unbuttoned his shirt until he felt her hands roam all over his naked chest, her hands slowly raking up and down his toned muscles. He takes a breath and scans her body. Her skin is hot to the touch, her eyes are completely blown now and her lips are parted. “How do I get this off you?” he asked, taking a fist of the hem of her dress.
“There's a tie in the back,” she huffed out, not able to take her hands off his body. Plus, she wants him to take it off of her. 
“You tied this yourself?” he asked in shock, surprised at how she tied such a perfect bow on her back with such thin strings. 
“I’ve been tying, zipping, buttoning my dresses myself for the past twelve years now, safe to say I got pretty good at it.” God- has she been alone for the past twelve years? Nobody to love on, kiss on, touch on this wonderful body of hers? Sidney takes in a sharp breath when he pulls the dress off of her and he gives her body a quick scan over. Wearing a strapless bra that she’s almost spilling out of, she has on silk leopard print panties that he can’t help but notice a significant damp spot on. 
“Fuck,” he mumbles, hands roaming over her soft skin. “Don’t make fun of me, it’s been a long time since I've hooked up with someone.” because that’s just what this is, a hookup. Nothing more, nothing less. 
“I haven’t since I got divorced, so it's the same here.” she hooks her leg around his pulling him closer. He pressed his lips against hers again this time most softly. His hand goes down to play with the hem of her panties, “you sure about this?” 
“Very sure, don’t mess with a pissed off mama sidney.” she pulls him down with her as she lays down on the table. He kisses down her body, she arches her back and lets him take her bra off. Tossing it onto the floor Sidney wraps his lips around one of her hardened nipples. She lets out a heavenly sounding moan at the action.
It’s been so long she could cum just from Sidney doing this for a couple minutes longer. One hand slips down over her clothed cunt, rubbing her sensitive and wet area. She arches her body into his, already she’s lost in a great euphoric high that she can’t even mumble words. All that’s coming out is moans and gasps. 
He removes his mouth and Sidney stands up, she watches up on her elbows as he takes his pants off and removes his boxers. She bites her lip at the size - the sight - of his hardened dick in his hand. She reaches out for it herself, “you’ll give me what I want, and I promise you won’t regret it.” he thought for a moment too long, she began to doubt herself but he spoke up, “deal.”
She licks her hand before taking a grip on his cock. Slowly she starts stroking up and down, keeping harsh eye contact with sidney. She gives him a nice squeeze and a twist of her hand which makes him throw his head back in pleasure. He can only do so much with his hand, it’s nice to have someone else for a change. Y/N scoots closer to him on the table, with one of his hands he works his hand over one of her breasts softly massaging it. She leans into his touch and continues to work her hands over his hard cock. 
He moves his hand from her breast down and slips it into her soaked panties. At first his fingers were a little cold but they quickly warmed up after being immersed in her sex. He circles around her clit a couple times, getting familiar with the female body again. He explores for a minute or two, his middle finger teasing her hole. The more he teases her the harder her grip gets on his cock. He pulls his hand out of her panties, they’ve never broken eye contact this whole time and he sucks everything off of his hand. God that was hot. 
Sidney removes her hand from his cock fearing if she kept going he would cum all over her hand and that wasn’t what he wanted to do. He’s panting heavy now, his body forming sweat on his forehead. He pushes her down onto the table with a palm on her chest lining his cock up with her entrance, “wait do I need any-”
She chuckles, “that ship sailed a while ago, just fuck me like you mean it coach.” 
With her permission she slides in and she lets out a long, loud, moan as he does it. He wants to hear that on repeat for the rest of his life, he swears. Sidney puts both hands on her hips, keeping her body steady as he rocks in and out of her, his hips meeting her every time. 
Sidney allows to feel himself in her warm, wet walls. He throws his head back in pleasure and she shuts her eyes tight. Her hands come up to her breasts to add to the pleasure, fingers pinching both of her nipples as she feels his huge cock pump in and out of her small hole. He feels like he’s three feet deep inside of her, he feels lost in how good she feels. His head grows foggy each time he squeezes her. 
Sidney hits the spongy spot in her tight cunt that made her gasp out in pleasure, she sang his name like a chant over and over which made him fuck her harder and harder. She warned him about her orgasm and he did the same, begging her to cum with him. A few more pumps of his cock he spilled his heavy load inside of her and she moaned loudly like a queen when he did. He pulled his cock out of her, watching his load spill out with it. 
Maybe it was the post orgasm haze she was in, maybe it was the lovestruck feeling she had the minute they began making out, but minutes later she’s standing between him and the cold shower wall. His forehead pressed against hers. His fingers knuckle deep in her cunt and a hand wrapped around her throat as hot water rained down on either of them, her cunt squeezing his thick fingers while she couldn’t even say anything but his name. That’s exactly what he wanted. 
The hot shower water kept her eyes shut but she knew that he was gazing at her. He was in awe of her facial expressions, how she bit her lip through a smile with every jerk he made with his hand, when she furrowed her eyebrows when she was on the edge of cumming, and how she cocked her head to the side while he kissed around her neck silently asking for more. 
He took his hand away from her pussy, licking the honey off his fingers. He stayed that close to her though knowing her legs were probably jello and she wasn’t able to stand for at least a minute or two. 
She took a deep breath, “got what you wanted?” she asked in a joking tone, moving her hand up and down his chest in the hot steamy shower. He chuckled, his hands never leaving her body. He palmed her breasts, he seemed to have a thing for those she contemplated, heavy lustful eyes staring into hers. 
“How many more you got in you?” he asked, spreading her legs with his thigh.
“I can give you as much as you want.” Y/N answered, her hands slowly roaming down lower and lower on his chest and stomach. 
“Then no, I didn’t get what I want yet.”
-
She woke up in Sidney’s bed the next morning with messy hair and sore muscles. Looking over on the nightstand the clock read 8:02 AM. She was glad that it was a Saturday and she was able to sleep in. She saw that Sidney was still asleep, he laid on his stomach with his head facing the other way. Looking over his back, studying the freckles, the faded scars. Y/N wants to stay in this moment for as long as she can. 
She hates to admit but she really fell for Sidney. Not because of how skilled he was in bed, or because he could do wicked things with his hands, but she shared a few heartfelt conversations with him before tryouts even began. 
He cared for the kids at school, the kids he taught and the kids he coached. He had a heart for the coming generation. He wanted them to have someone in their corner, and some kids don’t have that at home and he wants to be that. She got lovestruck in the past few months, sure she never planned on sleeping with him, she felt young again with how big of a crush she had. It went straight to her head, it all moved so fast. 
God if her mother were still here she could just hear the word “slut!” come out of her mouth if her mom found out what happened. But she wouldn’t care. She enjoyed it, and she was sure Sidney enjoyed it too. 
But still, she can’t help but think to herself what did I just do?
Sidney turns his head and sees that she’s also awake. Raising up he sees the time, 8:10. He doesn’t even care that he missed his morning workout session an hour late. He puts his arm around her and pulls her closer to him, tucking his head in her neck. With dry lips Sidney placed a tender lingering kiss on her hot skin.
It might be worth it for once, she thinks. 
feedback | masterlist | au tag
tagging mutuals to boost, let me know if you don’t want to be tagged! @fallinallincurls @nylwnder @bitchinbarzal @ilyasorokinn @leafsbabe @twinklelilstarkey @raysofcrosby @lcandothisallday
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the-wolf-moon-diaries · 2 months
Note
the pack imprints on reader pla🥹
A/N: There wasn't much in the request about what this Anon wanted so I think I'm just going to give basic vibes + thoughts about it??? Edit: I edited this for when I posted it on A03 so here's the slightly revised version.
Sam: It's both the worst and best moment of his entire life and the beginning of such a sweet love story. It's the worst because he's still so, so in love with Leah and dealing with his own heartbreak and everything else...and it's the best because he found you. Sweet and gentle you, who heals his hurt bit by broken bit and make everything so much better simple by smiling, by holding his hand. It takes a long time for the two of you to figure it out (this is the slowburn of all slowburn romances) but when you do...everything is perfect. So perfect, he almost can't believe that it belongs to him, almost in awe of it all, of you. He'll never forget his first love but that's okay, he shouldn't have to forget something that meant so much. And you have given him something just as true, happily ever after wrapped up in one person.
Song: I Found by Amber Run.
~
Jared: This boy loves you so much it makes him look stupid and you know what? He doesn't even care! From the moment that you met him, he's been walking around with stars in his eyes and your name on his lips, everyone knows the boy is in love. He talks about you all of the time, smiles when you're name is spoken, gets all sad when you've gone too long withut seeing one another.  It's a sweet, silly little love story and it's all his, Jared coveting every second of it. When he first shifted, everything hurt so much and he was so, so scared of this nightmare come to life. But you make it all worth it, knowing that he'd go through the pain of it all again if only it meant that he got to have you too.
Song: Take My Hand by Night Lights.
~
Paul: Honestly, it's hard in the beginning. Really, really hard. Paul's emotional, angry, and not the best at letting people get too close (trust issues like you would not beleive with this one), so letting his walls come down enough to let you in is a struggle. He lashes out without meaning to, does stupid stuff, can't make sense of himself and believes that no one ever will. You understand him. You see that strange beauty of that boy, loving him so softly and fighting for him all the way. And he's so worth it and, once he lets you in, everything becomes easier and sweeter. Paul loves you in the same way he breathes, naturally and needing it to live. He can't wait to leave this nightmare behind and just...love you, forever and ever.
Song: The One by Kodaline. 
~
Jacob: Oh, you thought Paul and Sam had a hard time with it? Jacob is even worse then both of them, dealing with the trauma of everything he's been through and dealing with the aftermath of his first love and heartbreak combined. He doesn't even realize that he's fallen in love with you for so, so long, not until he almost loses you and realizes that he can't imagine a life without you anymore...it just takes a little while to get there. But you'll get there, one day, one step at a time. and one of these days, he'll find himself finally home with you. It's a perfect place to be, this gentle love.
Song: With Me by Northwest Storis. 
~
Leah: She's so, so scared of you. When you first meet, Leah is so scared of loving you and getting hurt all over again, she couldn't bear another heartbreak. There's a before and after version of herself, living in the aftermath of her heartbreak. Leah isn't going to let her walls come down, you have to take them down yourself, tearing them apart brick by brick. You have to teach her that she is loved and wanted again and, somehow, that you aren't just going to up and break her heart one of these days. After all, that before version of Leah is someone you never knew and this version, this broken and beautful woman, is the only one you've known and loved. Takes her a while to beleive it. But once she does, your heart is her home and Leah, who has been lost for so, so long, is finally safe and happy again (and she deserves nothing less~)
Song: Building Planes by Rhys Sund. 
~
Seth: Seriously, he's so in love from the very start and it's so cute! Boy's out here giving everyone toothaches. Everything is all love notes and hand holding and scribbling your initials all over his homework and it's cute, cute, cute. There's all of this dark drama going on in the background and he's over here having his lil romcom romance, not a care in the world beyond y-o-u. The rest of the pack is a little bit jealous that he's handled it all so well, but who cares? Loving Seth is like loving the sun, soft and sweet, a never-ending summer sort of love. Everything glows beneath his touch and you're in wonder of him, wondering if he's even real. He is. And he's in wonder of you, so happy that he gets to keep you in this small bit of forever.
Song: All In by Lifehouse. 
~
Quil: This boy is gonna sweep you off of your feet so fast, you won't even see him coming. He handled the shift so well and he does the same with you, just so happy to know you and love you. That kind of thing comes easily to him, you know? Much like Seth, it's very much a lil romcom and no drama, just two lovers trying to figure it out. But there is more to him then just the funny one, the troublemaker, there's so much more...and you have the privlige of being one of the few people who will ever know that. You get to read the poetry that he scibbles (and so much of it is written for you), kiss his scars, hold him after nightmares, make him laugh when he can't even smile. You're too good for him, that's what Quil has beleived since the moment you've met. So he'll spend his whole life trying to be worthy of you. 
Song: I Just Wanna Love You by The Librarians.
~
Embry: Oh, this boy is so soft with you. Gentle, caring, almost as though he's scared that he'll break you. He's terrified of hurting you and yet...you're gentle with him too. Worried about him and wanting him close, so kind and loving, so soft it makes him melt and love you even more. He's got that slowburn, fairytale love story going on, a little dark and a little bit lovely. But that's exactly what he's like, isn't it? Dark and lovely, with new moon eyes and the sweetest smile. All of his life, Embry was waiting for something just like this, like you, never knowing if it would be real. But it is and it was as though you were waiting for him too. Maybe some things truly are meant to be... 
Song: Shoulder by Ed Patrick. 
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ukulelekatie · 2 years
Text
I’m sure this has been discussed at length already but covid finally got me and I have some Thoughts™. And those thoughts, aside from the most obvious “aaaaah I can’t believe we’re still dealing with this 2 and a half years later”, are that I’m really disappointed that the pandemic hasn’t caused a widespread cultural shift around how we look at illness in general (at least from what I’ve observed in my area—I know masking when sick has been prevalent in many cultures for a long time and let me just say I’m jealous). I was really hoping we’d see more sick people masking in public and staying home when possible regardless of what illness they have.
I’m not just talking about people who refuse to mask or get vaccinated at all—I’m talking specifically about people who go out maskless when they’re visibly sick and say “oh don’t worry, I took a test, it’s not covid :)” while coughing and sneezing everywhere. First of all, I don’t care if it’s not covid, I don’t want whatever germs you do have. And second of all, a negative rapid test shouldn’t be taken as the end all be all when false negatives are so common.
Yesterday morning, I took a rapid test and despite having several of the hallmark covid symptoms, there wasn’t even a hint of a second line. But when I re-tested this morning, I didn’t even bother to set my 15-minute timer because that double line had shown up in deep red within 30 seconds. I could’ve just taken that first negative test, chalked up my cough and sore throat as my allergies acting up, and went on my merry way, unknowingly spreading the virus to dozens of people, including those for whom covid and other illnesses pose a much greater risk.
It makes me sad that many people who label themselves as “covid cautious” are cautious only about confirmed covid cases, when that’s only going to go so far. I don’t understand how we can have the tools to prevent the spread of germs right in front of us and then not use them. It’s like we learned nothing after all this time, and that’s so frustrating.
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