#it’s just like. feb is when it stared march is when shit went down and april is when i was grounded for it <3

[hemlockyy]

Miss You - Lyric Analysis

by me because im bored.

yet again because whats more fun than going over lyrics for the 2736843th time? Absolutely nothing! and if you thought of something, you're lying to youself

So, miss you was a song released in the 8th of December 2017.

Some backstory before.

ObViOusLy, the whole babygate thing, add a lil cherry on top with the Elk split up (23rd march 2015 - 2 weeks prior) and them getting back toguether in 2017 (17 Feb). All of this aswell as Danielle and Brenda in the middle of it.

K with all the smol context under us we can already look around and see that just by the title 'Miss You' people had speculated it was for Eleanor, and since Louis said :

I wrote this song about a time in my life when I was going out partying every night. In hindsight throughout that time I was pretty numb and just going through the motions. Deep down it was always in the back of my mind that what I really missed was the girl that I loved

which obviously links the song to two occurences:

Babygate: 'was going out partying every night' (since we know for a fact he literally went partying every week)

The split up from Elk

but the thing is right- lmao Danielle just danielled away. No mention whatsoever.

This, all of this, and JUsT that quote that Louis gave us already destroyed like- half the narrative of 'Really good friends w an oops baby' and (obviously) just tarnishes yet again the 'engagement' route they were going to take. BUT IT ALSO leaves Danielle behind as if she didn't even exist!!

Which by the way things look, she might not've anygays.

The music video was made in LA

which again (If I could I would literally kiss louis brain) links it to Babygate.

Now the lyrics

verse 1:

"Is it my imagination?

Is it something that I’m taking?

All the smiles that I’m faking

“Everything is great

Everything is fucking great”"

Obviously we can literally hear the sarcasm on the last two lines. 'All the fake smiles' reffering to all the pap pics he did while the lead up to the Holy Conception. Aswell that him reffering to the scene as 'imagination' or 'something that he's taking' could emphasize that its so bad, so unreal that he thinks its a joke and that he's either too drunk or thinking it.

Going out every weekend

Staring at the stars on the ceiling

Hollywood friends, gotta see them

Such a good time

I believe it this time

Again, him reffering to him being papped every week on a club with the first line, the 'stars on the' ceiling reffering to the lights in night clubs, 'Holywood Friends' reffering to Annas, and specially reffering to Snoop Dog and his launch party, which was when this picture happened:

pre chorus:

Tuesday night

Glazed over eyes

Just one more pint or five

Does it even matter anyway?

One of the fucking smartest lines in my opinion, him reffering to tuesday. Which is him reffering to the day the first article of him being out partying came out:

The next are him reffering to what always happened; drinking and feeling shit. 'does it even matter anyways' is his subcontious trying to tell him to give in and just do what they wanted him to do, saying that it doesn't even matter because either way the end will be shit (and bla bla bla, but again, its his subcontious. not him.)

chorus:

We’re dancing on tables

And I’m off my face

With all of my people

And it couldn’t get better they say

the first two lines are ofc reffering to the feeling of being drunk, 'dancing on tables' and 'of your face' are ohrases people use to refer to drunken states. The 'people' Louis is reffering to is his escorts; people paayed to carry out what is supposed to happen that night (bodyguards, pr managers, paps, in cases the girls aswell he appears papped with), and the line 'couldn't get better they say' has both the connotation of this being the LA dream, of always partying, knocking chicks up, drinking to your hearts desire- aswell as having the connotation of 'his people' telling him it will not get better, so don't try to oppose it. (which links back to the previous verse 'does it even matter anyway')

We’re singing 'til last call

And it’s all out of tune

Should be laughing, but there’s something wrong

And it hits me when the lights go on

Shit, maybe I miss you

'singing til last call' refers to how late he spent in the clubs and 'out of tune' suggest again the drunk state. 'Should be laughing but there's something wrong' is again, elluding to that LA dream partying state that should've been what he was feeling, since that's what the media said. The 'lights go on' is reffering to the paps, when they take pictures (and obviously the miss you is talking about eleanor because he'd much rather stunt with her than be here lmao ) And yes, the miss you is reffering to Harry.

There doesn't have to be a reason and obviously it could also be a stunt line in the song- but let me explain what I think: We can see Louis' state by the end of the paps shoots, how he slowly just becomes VERY tired towards the last few ones. And keep in mind he was also touring with 1D WHILE HE PARTIED. Which meant it was Show-Party-Show-Party with things thrown between it aswell. Giving close to little time to spend w Harry.

(Pretty sure that's not at all what happened, its just what I think- it was such a fucking busy thing, I'd not be surprised if they both were stressed and not having enough 1-1 time)

Verse 2:

Just like that and I’m sober

I’m asking myself, “Is it over?”

Maybe I was lying when I told you

“Everything is great

Everything is fucking great”

First line reffering to how in the morning, next day of partying, he was again sober- for the shows- and him asking 'is it over' refers to how he just wanted it to be over with, all the patying and paps.

The two last lines could signify him talking to someone about his life- I'd say that the 'you' here does not mean Harry- but someone else- them asking "How's your life going" and then him going "Great Great, yeah- fookin great ykwim"

something along the lines of that you get me.

And all of these thoughts and the feelings

Chase you down if you don’t need them

I’ve been checking my phone all evening

Such a good time

I believe it this time

the first and second lines here are again, Louis talking about his subcontious; that 'this will turn on us' reffering to him and Harry. About a (probable) fear that this will make a strain in their relationship and stuff.

(a/n: kind of like how a lot of shippers unlarried while babygate was happening because 'louis couldn't cheat' or how a lot of shippers say they broke up during that time because 'Harry couldn't take the stress' and stuff)

Im not saying they broke up not that he cheated. What I'm saying is that there was a fear that this would make them break up- he says 'chase you down' which has the animalification of the wolves chasing down the pray to kill them etc.

Bridge:

Now I’m asking my friends how to say “I’m sorry”

They say “Lad, give it time, there’s no need to worry”

And we can’t even be on the phone now

And I can’t even be with you alone now

the first line links to what I said about Louis' subconcious; this would be that constant need to say 'I am sorry' for something that isn't his fault or something that he can't control, and then the second line goes on to say that he doesn't have to worry because, again, its not his fault and Harry undertands that.

Now the 'We can't even be on the phone now, I can't even be with you alone now' refers to their public appearance, on how other than that Paris interview there are no other interviews with just them two, on how we didn't get a Larry hour on 1Dday... It refers to them literally being unable to say anything to each other because of management.

Oh, how shit changes

We were in love, now we’re strangers

I WANT TO ALIENATE THESE TWO LINES BECAUSE OF HOW FUCKING LOUT IT IS.

this one links ti the last two of the previous, again on their public image (His and Harry's) about how they were once in love (fetus) but now they're strangers (the mortal enemies narrative)

When I feel it coming up, I just throw it all away

Get another two shots 'cause it doesn’t matter anyway

And to top off these last two lines of the bridge is him linking all of this back to the start of the song: 'is it my imagination, is it something that I'm taking' with 'when I feel it coming up, I just throw it all away'; when the thoughts that this is all fake and once he wakes up or stop imagining its all going to be better (aswell as with the connotation of over partying and vomiting) but at the same time him making himself stop those thoughts because he knows this is reality. And then round back again with the repetition of 'doesn't matter anyways' with it feeling like a dead end to him.

#Spotify #I swear I could do a full on essay on this song #Larry Stylinson #Louis Tomlinson #Miss You #Louis #One of my favourite songs tbfh #of forgot to add that by louis not singing this song #is basically him saying that he is not hopeless and that he knows what he is doing #also #makes you wonder why the label didn't give the song proper advertising right #along with other stuff #I just wanna kiss Louis' brain #Louis songs #Song Analysis

[chyrstis]

A change of pace (and opinion)

Somewhat of a companion fic, but not quite, this has been in the workings for a while now (as far back as either Feb/March?) and I finally managed to figure out what direction I wanted to take it, and also gave me the chance to play around with some fun headcanons I've seen floating around too!

With a lot of time left unaccounted for during the main fic, that gave me a great chance to start tackling some missing scenes between chapters, and this is hopefully the first of at least two fics to do that. There's also more than a few ideas taking place after, but I wanted to see if I could at least finish this up first before moving forward timeline-wise.

Pairing: Sharky Boshaw x John Seed (pre-ship) Rating: T Word Count: 5K  

Link to AO3!

—

It’s a hot day down by the river, and while Sharky’s not too keen on a break when John suggests it, a bet’s a whole other story altogether.

[Set between I won’t ask for much (but just this once, I'd like you) ’s Ch. 3 and 4]

———–

It was a scorcher. One that Sharky wasn’t entirely prepared to face as he trudged over to the boathouse, lugging as much wood as he could carry under his arm.

His tank clung to his back in record time as the sun kept on shooting rays down at him, making him pull at it every now and then to get some kind of a breeze going, but the relief never lasted.

He’d hardly been spared a single cloud, which meant he was going to burn before the day was out, and removed his hat off to wipe at his forehead. The sweat would be back in minutes, falling back into his eyes as he threw another ten, twenty, thirty, who knew how many pounds of shit around, all while under the watchful eye of the asshole currently doing anything but the actual watching part.

Leaning back on the bench as he sunned himself, John reclined as he stretched into it, like the world’s pissiest cat, but worse.

He’d been there for roughly ten to fifteen minutes now, taking the position shortly after heading off in the direction of the picnic table, and Sharky didn’t think anything of it at first. Ignored it mostly, because not having John breathing down his neck was a holiday in and of itself and he was set on celebrating it, but the silence stretched on. Started turning weird as he kept on going, taking looks over his shoulder every now and then to see if John had budged even.

And no, he hadn’t moved at all.

Not even an inch as John let out a loud sigh, and reached for the bottle of water sitting next to him.

Sharky swiped at his forehead, irritated at just how blatant he was being about all of it, and swore if his next move involved pouring it over himself he was out.

John had already ruined most of his week by dragging him out here twice, but ruining Flashdance? That was just straight-up fucking wrong, and like hell was he going to be stuck thinking of him shaking that water off whenever he’d want to fire the movie up. He didn’t need that thought popping up or existing at all, and it wouldn’t be the only time it’d come to mind either.

No, it’d be stuck there in his head permanently, and seeing John, dripping wet and wearing a smug-ass grin at any point wasn’t his idea of a good time.

The water bottle went up as John took a drink, and Sharky watched his eyebrow climb up with it.

But the water went where it was intended. Right down his throat, not over his head, and John lowered the bottle back down as he leaned forward to rest his chin on his hand. Finally focusing his attention on something other than the sun hanging above their heads.

A shame it took Sharky five minutes too long to realize just what he was looking at.

Him. Standing there, wooden planks in hand all while he’d let Maniac run through his head on repeat, and John held that stare as the corners of his lips curved up.

Aw, fuck.

Fumbling everything, the wood clattered as it fell to his feet, and Sharky quickly picked it all up. The rest went right into the wheelbarrow next to him, and he hightailed it towards the boathouse.

His thoughts shifted to sorting through specs after that. Lengths and widths as he tried to stack and sort what he’d brought with him in the hopes he could hold out there as long as he could before John came sniffing around to check.

Time ticked by as the piles grew in height, but nothing happened. So, he went and re-stacked them again, making sure he’d had it right the first time.

Still, nothing.

Leaning against the wall by Billy, Sharky eyed the doorway, staring at that open space as he waited for John to step through it, but he didn’t. He’d managed to summon him like this before on accident, but this time it’d failed. Almost as if he wanted to be hands-off this time around, and that didn’t make a lick of sense at all.

His knuckles were rapping against the wood by Billy now, tap, tap, tapping along with his foot’s anxious rhythm, and the sound only grew louder as Sharky kept up with it. He even set off Billy once so he wouldn’t be able to hear his own tapping anymore, and shoved away from the wall when the tune only made it all worse.

Poking his head out of the door, he looked over towards the bench, and noticed John hadn’t moved much at all. Sitting there with his head leaned back, he looked like he was taking a nap on top of everything else. A motherfucking catnap all while Sharky was busting his ass, waiting to see how he’d fuck up without him, and like hell was he going to play right into that.

Whistling loud enough to make anyone want to clap their hands over their ears, Sharky gave it his all, and John’s head shot up instantly.

“Dude, what the fuck?”

Looking right at him as he raised his sunglasses, John’s surprise settled into an expectant smile. “Yes?”

“Seriously?” Sharky took a few steps towards him, and crossed his arms. “That’s it? Like, you’re just going to stay there the whole time?”

“I wasn’t planning to,” John started, crossing one leg over the other, “but I was thinking about just how lovely this day was, and maybe it would be nice to enjoy it for once. Just to sit back for a moment or two to take in the breeze, and how the sun feels. You appear to know what you’re doing, so I was content to leave you be. Unless you have concerns?”

“Wait, hold up.” He made a move to clear his ear out, because John didn’t just throw out what he thought he did. “You wanna repeat that, ‘cause it kinda sounded like you said I know what I’m doing.”

“Well, I thought you did.” John tilted his head to the side, aiming his stare at him long enough for Sharky to want to fidget in place. “You do, don’t you?"

Standing up straighter, he almost sneered at him. “Psh, yeah!”

“Good,” John said, relaxing. “I’ve been counting on that. But truthfully, I was thinking that I may have been harsh in my methods, and pushed you harder than necessary. You almost broke your neck the last time you were out here due to overworking yourself, so I was thinking you could join me.”

“…Join you?”

Patting the seat next to him, John nodded. “Right here. To relax and have some water even.”

Sharky’s eyes darted from the spot to John, and back again. “You’re fucking with me.”

John rolled his eyes. “Please. If I actually wanted to fuck with you, I could do so much better than this.” Leaning back, he inclined his head towards the seat. “Rest. Take five, take ten even, and understand that there’s no catch to this. Just…a friendly suggestion.”

Friendly and John didn’t even belong in the same sentence, but he’d caught a hint of that once already. Saw what that looked like coming from him, and couldn’t even plead ignorance after spending hours before talking to the guy and borderline liking it.

And while John wasn’t offering him beer this time, Sharky could imagine just how good it’d feel to throw back that water and chug it.

John patted the seat again.

Fuck it, Sharky thought, and made his way over the bench. Sitting down, he cracked open the water John pushed his way, and downed it in record time.

And it was good. Good enough to get a loud, drawn out sigh from him the minute it was gone.

John smiled out of the corner of his eye, but said nothing. Just lowered his sunglasses and tilted his head skyward again as he soaked in the sun.

He almost didn’t know how John did it. Still in all of his layers, he looked comfortable, and wanted more sun on top of it.

At least he’d given up on his hoodie hours back. Pulling at the neck of his tank, Sharky dragged it up to mop at his face, peeling it away from his skin long enough to get some airflow going. It wasn’t much, but he’d take it, cooling off even a hair just by having it there.

It was quiet after that. Quiet enough for him to hear every bird that flew overhead, and the movement of the river as it drifted on by. Soaking it all in reminded him just how damn pretty it all was, and how he’d be fine with spending a lazy day here himself, but he wasn’t here to be lazy. Hell, he wasn’t even here to take a breather, even with John’s stamp of approval, because that didn’t put boards up. That didn’t knock dollar signs off of any of this, and instead of making progress Sharky was sitting well within view of it all with his thumb up his ass.

Well, he was twiddling them more than anything, and he’d found a decent rhythm to follow with his feet going off of the one started in his head, but the longer he stayed in place the more he felt the need to move, and he wouldn’t be able to handle it much longer. Not at this rate.

“Having trouble?”

With his sunglasses still down, John angled his head just enough to be able to see him, and Sharky side-eyed him as he dragged his tank off. “Yeah, it’s hot. I’m fucking swimming over here and you’re telling me you’re not?” He twisted it between his hands and squeezed, and John’s nose wrinkled at the gesture. “I’d have shed more than half of that shit after ten minutes.”

“Clearly, judging from your current state,” John said, opening both eyes to look at him. “But I wasn’t referring to any of that. It’s hardly been five minutes, and you’re all but vibrating in place. Is it really that difficult to stand still?”

Sharky gave him a withering look. “You kinda forget the part where I’m working to pay you off? And the longer I take, the longer I gotta do any of this?”

Pursing his lips, John sighed. “You can take ten to rest. You can take fifteen even. If you’re tired you get injured, and if you’re injured you can’t work. Defeats the purpose of any of it, doesn’t it?”

“Well, yeah. But-”

“Believe it or not, I don’t want to see you hurt again.” John sat up, and leaned towards him. “And I’m in charge here still, aren’t I? I could order you to sit here for however long I wanted, but I won’t.”

A frown had crept in, but Sharky let it go. “Yeah?”

“Yes, because that won’t get either of us what we want, and right now I want you healthy and thinking clearly. You, on the other hand, want to be debt-free, and only work will properly get you there, but I think I may have found a compromise. I did mention that I wouldn’t be throwing orders at you to sit still. That’s still true, but a bet? That might be more to your liking.”

“…A bet?”

John’s lips curved into a wicked smile. “That’s right. A bet. Interested?”

Asking about it to begin with was a strike. John’s growing smug-ass smirk, strike two. Admitting he was interested at all was the third, and the longer the answer sat in his mouth, the longer he wanted to keep it there.

“Seeing as a bet got you into this to begin with, I can understand the hesitation,” John replied, stretching the word out, “but it does tempt, doesn’t it? And I will promise you there’s no hidden catch, or difficult task ahead. Only a simple request.”

Simple. The guy had on almost a three-piece suit to sweat in, and was regularly paid to make shit as complicated as possible. Simple for him came with enough fine print to make Sharky’s head want to start pounding. But hearing him out and agreeing to it were two totally different things. Nothing set in stone, nothing he could claim as legally binding or whatever, so…

“Like what?”

John raised his sunglasses, and made sure they were looking at each other directly. “You remain here, in place, resting with no complaints for fifteen minutes, and you’ll be fifty dollars richer for it.”

Letting it all sink in, Sharky ran over the challenge, lapped it two times over, scrunched up his face as he came back to the start, and still couldn’t drop the suspicious look he shot John’s way. “You want me to sit here.”

“Yes.”

“Doing nothing, like just kicking back and loving it, and that’ll net me fifty big ones?”

“I’ll place it in your hand myself as long as you don’t move a single muscle. Is that acceptable?”

Fifty dollars for doing jack-shit? Hell yeah, it was.

It was also playing right into whatever John wanted. Let him pull the strings on whatever mini-power trip this was, which annoyed the hell out of him the longer Sharky thought about it, so he crossed his arms and focused on giving him as cold a shoulder as he could. Just ignored him completely as John started tapping his fingers against the bench, and didn’t say jack or shit in response.

“Would a hundred dollars suffice?”

That made his eyebrows go up.

“I suppose fifty might’ve been too modest of a thing to offer. Hardly worth taking a risk for.”

“Oh, it’s still fifty bucks,” Sharky said, turning towards him. “That’s some good shit right there.”

“Really? Then I can only imagine how appealing double that amount would be. Or perhaps even triple?”

Boom. A hundred and fifty dollars, as if it were nothing.

Sharky sat up and held up his hands. “Whoa, whoa, just-first up, you’ve got that much on you right now? And second, you’re just gonna hand that over?”

John shrugged a shoulder and glanced away. “I wouldn’t make an offer I couldn’t back, and it’s only if you earn it.”

“So, you do.”

“I might.” The smile came back, one that really should’ve set off more warning bells than it did, and John aimed it right at him. “Depending on whether or not you decide to say yes.”

Scrunching up his face, Sharky really didn’t want to, but John had him. Fucking hook, line, and sinker, and he let out a sound of aggravation before finally saying, “All right, all right. I’ll do it.”

“You will? So, we have a deal?”

“…Yes, we do.”

John held out his hand to him. Eyed him expectantly as his smile grew even sharper. He had half a mind to shove it back at him, but knew exactly what he was waiting for. What was going to seal this for him, and rolled his eyes only for John to jerk his hand away the second Sharky reached for it.

“Ah, ah, if you could,” John said, pretending to wipe his hand off on his shirt.

Sharky glanced down at his palm. It really wasn’t that bad, just sweaty, but he scrubbed it against his jeans anyway, shooting John a dirty look as he did it. However, when he went for him again, John didn’t fake him out. Just let him take his hand as Sharky gave it a firm shake.

“Excellent,” John replied, and he could’ve sworn the motherfucker almost purred it.

Lawyers, man. He probably got off on this shit, and Sharky let go of his hand as soon as the thought hit.

Returning to his side of the bench, John checked the time on his watch and gently tapped at its face. During this, Sharky slipped his tank back on and waited as the seconds ticked by. Started tapping his fingers against the bench himself - none of it even close to John’s established rhythm - and almost attempted whistling before deciding to say something.

“Yo, you gonna start this? Or are we-”

“Almost. Patience is a virtue after all,” John said, eyes right on his watch, “and yours will be rewarded in due time.”

Tap, tap, tap.

Tap, tap, tap.

By the third set of taps, he’d fallen back into it too, drawn in without even thinking.

Tap, tap, tap.

Tap, tap, tap.

All of it like clockwork up until he saw John’s finger pause in mid-air. “All right. Your time starts…now, and don’t forget our terms.”

“Yeah, yeah, my ass ain’t going anywhere. Better hope you’ve got more than a twenty and a few crumpled ones, though, ‘cause I ain’t gonna lose this.”

“Oh?”

“It’s half-off shots at the Eagle tonight,” Sharky replied with a grin. “Karaoke’s on too. Hurk’s already got me covered for half, but the minute I win this and head out there, shit’s gonna be fucking lit.”

John rolled his eyes. “And every cent gone just as fast as you've earned it.”

“So, I wanna go out and enjoy myself. The hell’s wrong with that?” Sharky shot. “That’s making the best of a Tuesday when I don’t got a whole lot else going on. ‘Sides, can’t spend it all there anyway. Still gotta buy underwear, socks, shoes and shit.”

Ticking each one off on his fingers, the mental price tag kept climbing, and he squinted out over at the boathouse as he added it all up.

“Then there’s gas. Can’t run out of that. Mags, ‘cause I gotta stay up to date on my reading and viewing material. Food, though my jerky stash’s all right, but I could grab more cereal. And duct tape, which is fucking magical. Seriously, get a roll, it’ll fix anything.”

“Anything?”

“Anything. Hole in your pants? Done. Hole in your roof? Done. Hole in you? Also done, though if it’s a real gusher, you uh….might wanna slap two or three layers onto it, or I don’t know, go with that Flex Seal shit. You know, like on the infomercials?” he asked, nudging John with his elbow. “Keeps most of the bleeding internal rather than external, though you’d need to ask Hurk about the last time we tried that. Might’ve been in and out of it as he ran me to the clinic, and he swears by the stuff.”

Sharky pretended to slap some on his arm - flashing John a thumbs up while he was at it - only for John to give him a flat look.

“What? Shit works! It seals, and it holds. And I know it works ‘cause I only lost so much of my blood on the way into the clinic, and even the doc was looking at me like I should’ve kicked it. So, if anyone’s gonna give it a bonafide seal of approval, it’s me. Get it? ‘Cause it’s a seal, and I’m here telling you about it, and uh…yeah.”

Sharky’s crooked smile fell as John stared him down, and he let the rest trail off after that. Just shifted his attention to his hands as he pulled off his cap and gave it a few shakes before flexing and folding it between them.

“How either of you are alive at this point I don’t think I’ll ever understand.”

“Good luck, and maybe a little something my cuz calls Boshaw Bo-wisdom.”

John pressed both hands to his eyes, breathed deep, and then dragged them down. “Wisdom.”

“Bo-wisdom.”

“Charlemagne, you are…” John began, considering him long enough to make Sharky’s leg start bouncing in place, “absolutely bewildering, and yet-”

“Really, really ridiculously good looking?”

John’s words caught in his throat, and he coughed out a laugh a beat later.

"That don’t sound like a no." Sharky slapped a grin on his face and slipped his hat back on. “Like, I know I ain’t a fancy lawyer or a pilot, but I got it.”

John opened his mouth, but paused. Hmm-ed to himself as he gave him a quick once-over, and cocked his head. “A certain, je ne sais quoi?”

He'd been full set on John giving him a no straight-up, but that wasn't it at all. “Uh, sure? If you wanna get all fancy with that too.”

Never mind the handful of French he knew came from commercials, food labels, and old Saturday morning cartoons, but he’d heard some form of that before once or twice, and didn’t recall anyone getting slapped for it.

“Fancy?” John laughed, and said something else. A whole string of words Sharky didn’t recognize at all up until the final ‘oui?’, and raised an eyebrow.

“Amigo, if you want me to agree to any of that, you’ll have to give me something. ‘Cause I got the yes, but everything else?” Sharky waved a hand right over his head, and whistled.

Because of course John would know another language inside and out too. Probably went straight to France to learn it, and could’ve spun up all sorts of shit that sounded nice on first pass only to mean something else entirely. The longer Sharky thought it over, the more it made him want to frown at it, and before long went back to staring out at the boathouse. Focused on burning a hole right into it, and wouldn’t have cared too much if he’d actually had the ability.

“What did you think I said?”

“I dunno,” Sharky muttered. “Something-something, mustache twirl, you suck?”

Out of the corner of his eye, he watched John’s amusement fade. “I said that you probably didn’t understand me, which was a shame. It leaves things more than a little one-sided, and insulting you during that’s something I’d prefer not to do. Especially since a proper insult would’ve been more along the lines of this.”

The next string of words still had that overly fancy ring to it as it all flowed together, but by the time John turned to him, Sharky was watching him intently.

“Would you like to know that one?” John asked.

“Dude, you can’t just say that shit and leave it hanging like that.”

John leaned towards him, silent as Sharky motioned for him to get on with it, but what followed was stated so bluntly, it took a solid minute to sink in.

But the moment it did, Sharky let out a laugh that had him almost doubling over as he struggled to recover from it. “Fuck, man! Are you for real?”

A smile crept onto John’s face, and soon he was smiling as wide as Sharky was. “I might’ve picked that one up a long time ago from an acquaintance of mine.”

“And you actually got to say it? Like face-to-face?”

“Once or twice, but it loses its impact if you say it too often, so I might’ve had to use a few alternatives in its place. A hazard of the job, really.”

“So you’ve got a whole bunch of these stashed and ready to go, huh? Like if I say something, like ‘shove your head up your own ass’, you’d be able to translate it, no problem?” More French followed, and Sharky squinted at John when his name popped up in the middle of it. “Cool. ...Long as you didn’t just tell me to shove my own head up there.”

“No, I merely said that of course, it would be possible.”

“The whole saying it part, and not-”

“Not the second.” And John slipped back into it again, saying every last word with a smile right on his face. “But that would be how I’d phrase it if I wanted to.”

With that on that table, Sharky threw another insult at him. Just let the eager feeling driving him take the wheel, and John didn’t even pause this time before quickly giving him the translation for it. He even sounded it out for him as Sharky tried reciting it right after, and was left practicing Rs with John until even his tongue needed a fucking break. Then went for another, and another, and neither of them let up for a second. Even when he decided to get creative with it, throwing weirder and more obscure stuff at him, it didn't matter. John gave it all a fair shake. Whether he was thinking over some of the harder phrases, or giving him the evil eye, John never told him no, or to fuck off. He dished it all back, the words way too damn smooth for the kinds of things Sharky was asking about, and even started chuckling with him midway through the last one, giving up the fight completely as he came to a stop and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Stumped?”

John peered over at Sharky as he kicked back in his seat, but glanced away the minute he started waggling his eyebrows at him. “This was not the intended use of the language. Not as I first learned it, and not later on when I experimented with it as well, so forgive me if I need a moment to continue entertaining any of the things that have left your mouth so far.”

“Hey, you offered.”

“After you asked,” John countered, lowering his hand. “And you did, so there’s no arguing that point. But I will admit that this is one of the more interesting uses of that particular skill set. Even after having a chance to test it on the streets of Paris myself.”

“Figures,” Sharky chuckled. “Probably been everywhere.”

“Almost. I made a list of places when I was fresh out of law school, and started crossing them off one by one. Wanted to see the world beyond the one built around me and for me, but…over time it lost its appeal, and other things became much more important.”

John leaned forward, folding his hands together as he rested them on his thighs, and aimed a curious glance his way. “How about you? Ever traveled?”

“Me?” Sharky asked, gesturing towards himself. “Like, I’ve been to the border. Got to see Canada for about five minutes before Hurk had to get us out of there, but having a PO kinda put a damper on any travel plans real quick. But that don’t mean I don’t want to. Just never had the chance, you know?”

“So, where would you go if you were able to?”

“Shit, all sorts of places. Could probably stay local, but where’s the fun in that? Better somewhere far away, exotic. Like Florida.”

John’s eyebrows drew together. “…Florida.”

“Florida,” Sharky repeated, bobbing his head.

When he didn’t say anything further, John wet his lips and turned towards him fully. “I could offer to fly you anywhere in the world right now. To any continent, any place, and given those options would you still make the same choice?”

“What’s wrong with Florida?”

John slowly blinked at him. “Aside from it being Florida?”

“Aw, come on," Sharky said, lightly punching him in the arm, "they got all sorts of nice things there. It ain’t all orange juice and gators. Got cocktails, racing, and palm trees too. Oh, and water sports.”

This time when John pressed his lips into a thin line and scowled, Sharky eyed him right back.

“I’m talking polo and jet skis. Dunno where your mind’s going, man.”

“Well, there’s a good reason for that,” John spat, “and I’m staring right at i-”

A shrill beeping cut him off, nearly making Sharky jump in his seat as he gripped the bench. “Not it! Also, my ass is on this. Didn’t leave it once.”

John dropped his gaze down to his watch, and frowned deeply as he shut it off.

“Wait, we hit fifteen already?”

That had Sharky’s eyebrows flying sky high with no hope of falling. Leaning towards him - which was pretty pointless seeing as he couldn’t read shit even from the new angle - he got as far as reading the hour before John jerked his left arm away from him.

“Yes, and much as I’m loathe to admit it, you’ve honored our agreement.”

On the edge of his seat, Sharky watched John climb to his feet and pull out his wallet. Thumbing quickly through the bills, he didn’t even look up at Sharky before withdrawing them, and just tossed the cash his way.

“Uh, cool, I guess-whoa, hey!” Snatching them out of the air, he’d crumpled the bills in his rush to save them, and did a double-take when he realized just what he was looking at. “Yo, this is-you said one-fifty, max.”

“And?” John asked, acting like he’d just tried to inform him the sky was blue, that he was a dick, or that water was wet. Simple run of the mill shit that anyone would know.

“This is two-hundred, man. Don’t remember agreeing to that.”

John tilted his head back, and lowered his sunglasses. “They’re the smallest bills I have. Perhaps you lucked out there as well.”

The smallest he had. Not a fifty, not even a twenty, but hundreds only.

What. The fuck, Sharky mouthed, gaping at him.

“And I do believe that means your break is also over, so if you could?”

“Whoa, what?” Sharky sputtered, as John turned his back on him and headed towards the building. “You-you told me to do this shit!”

“I bet you that you wouldn’t be able to,” John threw out, glancing at him over his shoulder. “Now that you’ve proven me wrong, I see no reason why you wouldn’t be able to redouble your efforts and really impress me, hmm?”

Disappearing through the entrance to the boathouse, Sharky had a minute to sit there. Mouth open, wide enough to swallow a fucking bee if it decided to fly right into it, before John poked his head out of the doorway.

“Sometime today?”

Letting out a string of profanities - including more than a few he’d thrown at John not even five minutes ago - Sharky crammed the bills into his pocket and booked it after him.

With over half of the day left to burn, he might as well not waste it.

#far cry 5 #sharky boshaw #john seed #john seed/sharky boshaw #fanfiction #FC5 fanfiction #I love how on the previous fic I hoped it wouldn't take too long to finish this #and here we are three months later #(and also 1-2K longer than intended) #but my weakness is two characters sitting and talking it out so...whoops #fic series: we could make a home out of this

[justsomelarryfics]

Here are the fics that I read in the month of March, 2019, that I finished and enjoyed. I will first shows fics from this month, and then older ones.

Sorted by length

New this month

Do You Wanna Ride by @phd-mama -  When Liam's attractive new business partner wins riding lessons with Harry, hilarity ensues. (one shot, 4k)

Tell Me I’m Punk by @tiniinbookland - ""How punk do I seem?"" The one were Harry wants to be a punk but Louis loves him just like he is. (one shot, 4k)

Just Go With It by @rainbowsandlovehl - “Brett, there’s something I need to tell you,” he started, inwardly cringing at his choice of words before taking in a deep breath. Brett seemed curious, raising her eyebrows expectantly. “The reason I haven’t been texting you back is that...” “Harry, they were all out of organic guacamole,” a raspy, unfamiliar male voice interrupted, startling him into silence. “So I got us the normal one. Hope that’s alright?” Harry has no idea how to escape awkward situation but luckily for him, Louis swoops in to help. (one shot, 6k)

Only One at the Finish Line by @horsegirlharry for @1dgayboficfest - “What don’t I know?!” Louis shouts, and then Harry is rounding on him, close enough that he can feel the heat of his body, the rage and the glory and the pain of it so close that it blinds him.“I want to be another alpha’s omega,” is what he says, and it comes out like something reckless, something wild. Like he doesn't care anymore if Louis hates him or not, if Louis understands, he just needs to speak his truth aloud to darkness, to the slender pines that surround them like a jury panel. (one shot, 9k)

fall in love with the moon (and everything beautiful) by @microlouis -  “It’s adorable that you think you can compromise with me on this,” Louis says. He places his hands on his hips and tries his best to look intimidating. “But I am not budging on this. Every book pun you say will result in one quarter in the jar.” “What jar?” Harry asks. He furrows his eyebrows together. Louis rolls his eyes. “Like a swear jar, but now I’m going to make yours ‘Harry’s dumbass pun jar.’ Maybe I’ll have you put a quarter in for every pun you say, not just the ones about books. Niall was right - you tell the worst jokes.” “One time Niall told me I’d never said a funny joke in my life,” Harry says casually. “Funny. He told me that too.” or, louis and harry work in a bookstore together and harry tells dumb jokes and they fall in love (one shot, 10k)

Naked Attraction - Naked Attraction: a gameshow where the contestant views 6 naked possible partners and narrows them down based off of pure attraction. Harry was not a fan of the shallow gameshow, so he decided to mix it up a little. Louis Tomlinson was the only gay and unfortunate staff member chosen to step in for one of the six possible partners when someone drops out. He hated working there, and he definitely didn't want to agree, but it was too good of an offer to be turned down. Nothing would come out of it, surely, and they even agreed to keep his identity a secret.That all changed when famous singer Harry Styles walked out. Louis had no idea who he was, and Harry liked that about him.. . .Or the one based off a British TV show called Naked Attraction that I found hilarious. (one shot, 12k)

All I Want Is To Fall With You by @2tiedships2 - The pair looked at each other for a few moments before Harry moved forward and gathered Louis in an unexpected hug. It was nice, but why the fuck was an unknown alpha hugging him? Maybe an even better question would be why did Louis feel so secure in this stranger's arms? Harry quickly let go and Louis felt something pull at him."Sorry," Harry said, holding his hands up in surrender. "Shit, um, that just seemed a natural response for some reason. I’m so sorry." Louis smiled up at the alpha. "It's okay. Thanks again, Harry." "You're welcome. I know it's horrible weather, and less than optimal circumstances, but this was a brilliant meet-cute." What the fuck was a meet-cute? Or the weekend ski trip where omega Louis discovers that he can’t change a tire and his skiing skills are debatable but still manages to find the alpha who will change his life. (one shot, 16k)

the act of making noise by @suspendrs - “Oh,” Harry frowns, waving him off. “No, I could never. I respect myself too much to sing for a living.”It feels like a slap across the face, but Louis does his best not to stiffen, blinking once and then frowning. “What?” “Those people are always so miserable, you know?” Harry says, hopping down off his stool and straightening his sweater. “There’s so much pressure on them, and they have to work so hard to keep up appearances, I can’t even imagine how difficult that is. I can’t even stand to listen to pop music today, let alone watch TV or read the magazines. It makes me so sad, thinking that those people, you know, the ones who actually went into it with heart, they only ever just wanted to make music and instead they got turned into things on leashes being paraded around to make money for other people,” he says. “Anyway, you can have the stool.” Or, Louis's famous, Harry has no idea who he is, and they get snowed in together at a ski lodge in Vermont. (chaptered, may be continued, 22k)

Take Me Down Slow (Don’t Let Me Go) by @jacaranda-bloom for @1dgayboficfest - Louis has always felt different. Not necessarily on the outer realm of societal norms, but pretty damn close to the edge. As an Omega, he’s supposed to want certain things; to want to raise a family, to want to build a life with a partner, and to want that partner to be an Alpha.Well, two out of three ain’t bad.OR the one where Louis wants to find the right kind of partner to love, Niall hates snowboarding, Liam wants to settle down, Harry is really good with his hands, and mother nature could be the thing that changes everything. (chaptered, complete, 26k)

Steady Eddie - “We’re bringing in a guy.” Ben said. Eddie stared at him.“You’re what?” Ben shrugged. “Apparently the gay market is grossly untapped,” he commented. “We stand to make a fortune. We have it on good authority that the gays love you. Of course,” he added with a dirty smirk. “Your size and all…” “Of course,” Eddie replied drily; something smarting in his chest. “I’ve been asking for a guy for the last two years…” “Well, now you’re getting one,” Ben smiled. (chaptered, complete, 84k, locked, read tags for a better understanding of what this fic is about)

Older fics

sweet, sweet fate by @bottomlinsons for @1dshortficfest -  Harry’s lived with a NSFW soulmark for almost twenty-five years now. When he finally meets the man responsible, he gives him a little piece of his mind. (one shot, 1k, feb. 2019)

Say It With Flowers by @reminiscingintherain - From the prompt: Person A owns a flower shop and person B comes storming in one day, slaps 20 bucks on the counter and says “How do I passive-aggressively say fuck you in flower?” (one shot, 2k, jan. 2019)

Got Me an Appetite by @flamboyantdaddy for @1dgayboficfest -  So it's something, and Louis isn't sure how to approach it. She doesn't want to sound ungrateful. The past few months have been heaven, and she doesn't want to make Harry feel like Louis doesn't worship the ground she walks on (ok, a bit over dramatic, but sometimes it feels like that). She just wants to make her girlfriend come. (one shot, 8k, feb. 2019)

All Hearts Come Home For Christmas by @itsprobablylarry - Gemma, who the fuck is that?” Louis hisses as he watches her wave back with a big smile. Her brows furrow for a second as she looks at Louis. “What? That’s my brother, you dork. Told you he’d pick us up, didn’t I?” Well fuck. Apparently, Mr. Handsome over there is Gemma’s brother. And Louis is spending a week with him. Pretending to be his sister’s boyfriend. Shit. (Basically: Gemma brings ‘her boyfriend’, Louis, home for Christmas and her brother is really hot.) (one shot, 8k, 2015, I also recommend the sequel)

You’re home now kitten by @thesedumbboys - “But, I'm just a stray” Louis looks so broken, sad, disappointed almost. Not even daring to look up from the floor, fumbling with his hands, ears down submissively. The sight almost makes Harry, known to everyone for his soft heart, tear up. “Nope, followed me here, this is your home now.” Harry smiles, speaking confidently, surprised himself that his voice didn’t come out shaky with emotion. “That’s the rule” He shrugs.... Louis is a stray and he follows Harry home. Harry likes him too much and makes him stay and Louis ends up quite liking it. (one shot, 9k, feb. 2019)

Your Touch Is The Only Thing I Feel by @2tiedships2 - Liam. Liam was finally here. Louis kept his eyes closed and cuddled farther into Liam’s side, revelling in the pheromones Louis’ body desperately needed. He wasn’t sure how long Liam had been holding him, but Louis figured it had to have been at least an hour by the way his body had loosened. The need of an alpha’s touch seemed to have been temporarily lifted from his mind. Louis listened to the sounds of the pub around him. It was louder than before he had fallen asleep and he briefly wondered why Liam hadn’t just woken him to go back to their flat.“Who the fuck are you?” Louis’ eyes flew open at the sound of Niall’s voice, and the arm that had been around Louis shoulders lifted in the same instant. He missed the warmth immediately. Louis looked from Niall’s stormy face over to the person who was definitely not Liam. The alpha Liam impersonator, who smelled a lot better than the actual Liam now that Louis was alert, looked back at Louis with wide eyes and familiar furrowed brows. Or the one where Louis refuses to settle for just any alpha despite intense touch deprivation. Fortunately Harry isn't just any alpha. (one shot, 15k, 2018)

bring out feelings in me i never show by @tomorrows - “I really think you should stop reading,” Liam says, having moved to hover behind Louis’ back at some point. “I can already see the cogs turning in your head, Louis, and I don’t like this.” “Shut up,” Louis waves him off and continues reading. I can do these things, at your request: openly hit on other female guests while you act like you don’t notice; start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion; propose to you in front of everyone; pretend to be really drunk as the evening goes on (sorry I don’t drink, but I used to); start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the front lawn for all the neighbors to see. [Louis accidentally hires a felon to be his fake boyfriend for Thanksgiving. Or, the fake boyfriends au no one asked for, inspired by this.] (chaptered, complete, 24k, locked)

don’t tell the gods (we left a mess) by @bottomlinsons - After a misunderstanding with Liam’s mother, Louis agrees to accompany his best friend to a family wedding and pretend to be the world’s best boyfriend. But their simple plan goes awry when he learns that Harry, ex-boyfriend/ex-love of Louis’ life, will also be in attendance. (aka: fake!boyfriends with a twist ft. bromance, romance and cake.) (chaptered, complete, 71k, (I know, I also can’t believe I only just read this fic, as you can tell I was just really into fake relationships this month))

#monthly fic rec #larry #Larry Stylinson #larry fanfiction #larry fic #larry fic recs #one direction fanfiction #louis and harry #fanfic #fic rec

[theshapeshifter100]

Not a Chosen One

(Day 26 of @thewatchau‘s Annual Prompts!)

He remembers the man who approached his father. They were dressed in a red and blue tabard, the mark of the griffin standing proud.

It was a Saturday, when Pa would open up the front of the shop to customers and Gus would watch and try to pay attention to how it all worked. He was a big boy now, his Pa trusted him with the forge every morning.

The man in red and blue was talking about this big project, but Gus wasn’t listening as much as he should be. Just outside the shop were two figures in shiny armour.

He looked between his Pa and the man, and they both seemed distracted. So without anyone noticing, Gus slipped away from the shop and went outside.

They were standing either side of the door, dressed head to toe in shiny metal armour, with red and blue tabards and helms covering their faces. Gus only reached as high as their hip, so they didn’t see him immediately.

He stared at the swords sheathed at their hips. He didn’t know that these were not the standard arming swords of the Guard, they were a bit fancier with detailing on the crossguards and pommels, while the scabbards had the same red and blue of their tabards, along with the symbol of the Guard.

He startled back a little as the shop door opened and the man who’d been talking to his father came out. The man paused, quickly spotting Gus.

“You’re the blacksmith’s son, aren’t you?”

“Yes sir,” Gus squeaked, wondering if he was in trouble.

“I’ve just given your Pa a big order, are you going to help with it?”

Gus nodded earnestly.

The man thought for a second before crouching down to Gus’s level.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Gus hadn’t really thought about it until now, but he just looked at the swords on the Guard’s hips. They had noticed him now, looking down at him with their eyes but otherwise not breaking position.

“A Guard huh?” the man ruffled Gus’s fluffy black hair. “Well hopefully I’ll see you at the Whetstone in a few years time lad.”

They straightened up, and with a wave to Gus, walked away. The two Guards marched after him, keeping perfect step.

“Gus!” his Pa called from the chop, sounded worried.

“Coming!” Gus scampered back into the shop.

---

It was rumours at first. Something that customers would mention to each other, thinking that Gus and Griff couldn’t hear them. Or gossiped about around the wells in Archath.

The Red Knight was riding again, having donned his gambeson.

Gus was supposed to be working, helping Pa with orders, bringing water from the well to douse the metal in or assisting in the forging. Instead, the moment he heard anything that sounded like ‘Lord’ or ‘Jack’ or ‘Red’ or ‘Knight’, he’d stop everything and listen.

School, when he went, wasn’t much better, and the time Gus had free was spent trying to find what Lord Jackie did before he was a Lord.

He made a decision then, that he would be the Red Knight’s squire.

He spent ages picking a name, trying to work out what he would wear when he joined the Red Knight saving people in the kingdom and fighting the Enemy, the coward who hid in the Western Forest.

He challenged his Pa’s apprentices to sparring matches, not that Gus really knew how to fight, he was just strong.

He made plans to run away and join the Red Knight. When the workload was down, so it didn’t affect the forge too much. When they got an apprentice again. When it got warmer.

Suddenly no one was talking about the Red Knight.

He’d vanished.

---

He had joined the Guard now. That was where Lord Jackie had trained. Since Lord Jackie seemed to no longer be around, someone had to take his place. Someone had to be hero.

Gus felt like a hero. Each movement felt right. His weapons felt like extensions of his own arms. His armour as light as a feather. He could do anything!

“Hey Bellows!” a Squire in his year sat on his bunk while Gus polished his boots. “Time off tonight, want to ride out to the tavern?”

Squires were supposed to be disciplined, but they were also only human.

“Sure!”

---

Something itched inside Gus’s brain. Standing post in a nowhere hamlet called Glenbeg. This wasn’t what he wanted. This wasn’t what he was meant to do!

Be patient. His mind whispered. Climb the ranks. Be the best.

That was a point. He’d been waiting most of his life. He could wait a bit longer.

---

Gus winced, nursing several injuries as a nurse patched him up.

A group of fighters from Fort Conchúr had been asked to help out in House Brody with recent raids, and Gus couldn’t wait to go with them.

His first real battle had been shit.

It was like everything he’d ever learned about fighting had vanished from his head and something in his core had frozen solid. He’d just watched as a horde of creatures he could barely even see came charging at him.

Something had clicked and he began to fight. Endless drills had made all of this second nature, but this hadn’t been sparring. They weren’t going to stop when a claw nicked his arm. Or when another got his leg. Or when something had jumped on his chest, knocking the wind of him and shoving him to the ground.

“It doesn’t hurt too much does it?” asked the nurse wrapping up his arm. “I can get you something for that.”

“It doesn’t hurt,” Gus lied. It didn’t hurt that much. Not as much as his pride.

The nurse hummed under their breath and carried on.

“You lot did good out there. Kept ‘em off the village.”

Gus just looked away. They couldn’t be talking about him.

“Now, are you being modest or do you disagree with me?”

“…It went to shit.”

“Really? Between all of you, you kept them off the village, we managed to get the planting finished. No one died or went missing. All in all, it went pretty well for us.”

Gus looked up, confused. “But I-”

“It’s not all about you,” the nurse interrupted. “It’s a nice story, for a chosen one to rise up and defeat the evil. A chosen one isn’t going to end this. It’ll be ordinary people on the ground. You, me, the person writing the maps, the farmers. We’re all in this together. So get your head out of your arse and use the brain you were born with!”

Gus sat up a little straighter, and nodded. He wasn’t sure he believed them, but what they were saying did make sense.

(This one, as you can see, jumps around quite a bit. The first section is in 1597. The second one stretches across  1600 to Feb 1601.  The third is late 1605. The fourth is late 1609 or early 1610, haven’t quite decided. The last one is March/April 1612)

#The Watch AU #Gus #Griff #Gus Graham #Griff Graham #Bellows #Arcath #The Whetstone #The Guard #Glenbeg #Watch Prompts

[365daysoftododeku]

5th March 2019

Author: Kenyoda

Admin’s Note: This is the sequel to @ebonyphd‘s Candid Shoutos (Feb 19), which can be found over here! Credit to the idea goes to @crzangel, whose headcanon is over here for you to peruse through :)

________________________________________________________________

Flawless Together

“Hey! Midori-chan! What ya doing?” sang Mina as she plopped down on the couch next to him. Izuku grinned and showed her his screen. On the screen was a picture of Shouto with a completely done look on his face. It was a profile shot. He was half asleep, scowling into the mirror. His hair was an uncharacteristic mess. A fluffy cloud of white and red floating around his head. Shouto’s hair was curly like Izuku’s but his boyfriend worked hard to keep it straight and neat.

“Ooooh!!! Is that going on Insta?” cooed Hagakure as she plopped down on Midoriya’s other side. He shot a grin at the invisible girl.

“Yep! Everybody’s been doing the #flawless thing again and people have been begging for a bedhead pic. And as always I aim to please… with Shouto’s permission of course.” Izuku laughed. The girls laughed along with him. He went back to work and scheduled the posting of the picture for tomorrow morning with appropriate tags while they talked. He shut off his laptop and yawned. “Ok, I am going to bed. I’m beat.” He bid the girls goodnight and made his way to the stairs. He quietly climbed the stairs to his floor, swallowing another yawn.

He was unsurprised to find a red and white head peeking from under his bedcovers as he entered his bedroom. Izuku went through his nightly routine, careful not to wake his sleeping boyfriend. He sighed happily as he finally settled into bed next to Shouto. He gently pulled the other boy into his arms. Shouto mumbled something unintelligible and rolled over to face him, nuzzling into Izuku’s chest before slipping back into sleep. Adorable. Izuku thought fondly as he drifted off.

The next morning, Izuku woke to find sky colored eyes watching him.

“Mornin’ Shouto,” he rumbled, voice thick from sleep. Shouto pressed his lips to his. Izuku returned it with passion. They parted after a moment, settling back into bed. Shouto’s fingers drew small shapes on Izuku’s chest and he returned the favor on Shouto’s back as they both enjoyed the first few quiet moments of the day.

They finally parted when both his and Shouto’s alarms went off, snapping them from their daze. Izuku got dressed and checked that he had everything he would need for the day. He then headed for the stairs. When he opened the door to the common area, he was hit with a wave of sound. The morning was in full swing, it seemed.

“Midori!” Ashido.

“Good morning, Midoriya-chan,” Tsuyu.

“Deku-kun! Hey!” Uraraka.

“It is good to see you this morning, Midoriya-kun!” Iida. The class’s greetings washed over Izuku, warming him. It was so nice to have so many friends. Izuku greeted them with equal enthusiasm.

“Did somebody say Midoriya?” came Hagakure. She immediately rushed to him and started babbling. Izuku blinked in shock.

“Um… I didn’t catch that.” He said suddenly. She took a breath and started again,

“Have you seen the PlusInsta this morning?” Izuku shook his head.

“The morning started a little slow…” Izuku mumbled, refusing to admit to lazing about with his partner.

“Well, you done goofed, my friend!” she said dramatically as she showed him her phone. Midoriya blinked at the bright screen shoved under his nose. It was the candid_shoutos page. His scheduled post had been posted. But the counter and comments were off the charts. There even looked like a comment from the verified HeroWatch account. What the fuck happened? He thought, frantic. He took the phone and stared at the picture. What was off? He checked the tags and almost died.

#flawless #he looks like cotton candy #adorable #I love him

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shiittt!!!! Izuku screamed in his head.

“Holy hell! I—Shouto is going to kill me!” he wailed. All chatter in the common room ceased at his outburst. The silence stretched for several uncomfortable minutes.

“Why is everyone so quiet?” came Shouto’s voice suddenly. Izuku’s heart dropped to his feet. Izuku’s mind was running about in frantic circles trying to figure out how he was going to fix this. “Izuku?” Izuku leapt in the air out of shock, Shouto’s voice was right next to his ear this time. He realized that he had activated his Quirk when the back of his head collided with a painful crack against the ceiling. Izuku saw stars for a moment and then he landed on something solid. His head bounced off the floor again, and his vision faded to black.

Izuku came around with a groan. His head was throbbing gently. He sat up slowly, blinking. He was in Recovery Girl’s office—again. What had he done this time to end up here? He thought back. Izuku remembered being in the common room and Hagakure showing him something on her phone… the rest was kind of fuzzy. As he continued to glance about the room, a certain out of place color caught his attention.

Shouto was laying on the bed next to him. He appeared to be out cold. A nasty yellow bruise covered most of the left side of his face. Concern flooded his veins. What had happened to him? Before he could spiral into a bunch of hypothetical theories, Recovery Girl enter the office.

“Oh, you’re awake… I am not surprised. You almost broke poor Todoroki’s neck, so he’ll be out a little longer.” She sighed as she came over to exam him. Izuku felt his stomach roll and bile creep up his throat. He had hurt Shouto?! Why? How?

“I—did that?” he squeaked out. She nodded. Izuku went cold.

“Now, now. He will have one heck of headache and a sore neck when he wakes but he will live. I can’t scold you too much for an accident. But, please for the love of all that sacred be careful!” she tutted once she deemed that he was doing better.

“An accident?” Izuku muttered to himself. He wracked his head for any inkling of what had happened. He got nothing. Recovery Girl had moved back to her desk. A moment later, All Might entered.

“Young Midoriya. How are you feeling?” said the man as he took a seat next to the bed.

“Stupid. Awful.” Izuku gasped as tears started to fall down his face. He angrily wiped at them. But the stupid things kept coming. “Why I am crying, again, damn it?!” All Might said nothing, but he gently gathered Izuku in his arms. Izuku finally gave in and began sobbing in earnest. “I didn’t—I didn’t mean to hurt him.”

“It’s alright, my boy. It was an accident. Just bad luck.” All Might assured him. Accident or no, Shouto had been hurt by enough people that should have been protecting him. Izuku had just added his name to that infamous list.

“He’s been hurt, enough… I just added to it.” Izuku murmured back, pained.

“Nonsense! The past year the two of you have been together has been the most relaxed, focused, and, dare I say, happiest I have ever seen young Todoroki.” Izuku stared at All Might, his tear soaked checks becoming even redder.

“What… how?” Izuku spluttered. The only people who should have known were their dorm mates, whom they had sworn to secrecy.

“Fear not, young Midoriya. I know that you are keeping your relationship quiet. But do you really think after all the “adventures” you and your classmates have created and stumbled upon, that we wouldn’t be keeping a closer eye on you?” teased All Might with a smile. Izuku chuckled at that. It was true. Izuku, mostly Izuku, and his classmates could be trouble magnets. So, it didn’t surprise him that the teachers were probably keeping tabs on them.

“Well, true. It still doesn’t change the fact that I—,”

“Tell me, would you beat yourself up over it, if it was an injury gained during a training exercise?” Izuku blinked. Well, he would; but not as much… training was demanding and injuries were expected. He sighed, but shook his head in answer to the question. “Then why are you beating yourself up over an accident?”

“How can you be so sure? I don’t even remember what happened!” Izuku hissed, fighting back more tears as he looked over his boyfriend’s face one more time.

“Oh…! Young Todoroki startled you and your Quirk activated. You hit the ceiling. That is probably what knocked you out cold. You landed on Young Todoroki. He took a foot to the face when you did so.” That did not make Izuku feel any better. He was close to graduating and he was still no closer to bringing his Quirk to heel.

“I should have better control of myself by now!” Izuku blurted, angry. All Might sighed.

“My boy, you have had One For All for a grand total of almost 3 years… would you expect a child with a brand new Quirk that is barely three years old to have full control of it?” All Might asked.

“No… I guess I wouldn’t. They haven’t had enough time—” Izuku paused. He really hadn’t had a lot of time with his Quirk.  He was getting better at using Full Cowl, but he still had a long way to go. “Ok, so I’m not a complete failure… but I really hate that I hurt him.”

“Of course you do! But the only thing you can do is move forward. Talk to young Todoroki and then move on.” All Might said. A shifting sound from the other bed caught Izuku’s attention. He looked back to see Shouto blinking at him.

“Izu-ow.” He groaned as he tried to sit up. He laid still again, gingerly cradling his head. Izuku was on his feet and by Shouto’s bedside in what felt like a blink of his eyes.

“Shouto! I am so sorry.” Izuku whispered thickly as he carded his hand through the bi colored hair.

“What—fuck me—happened?” Shouto grumbled as he tried to sit up again. Izuku immediately, but gently pressed Shouto back to the bed.

“Don’t move too much… you have a neck injury.” Izuku said. Shouto blinked woozily at Izuku but didn’t move. “It’s my fault. I am so sorry.”

“S’ok, ‘zuku. Love you.” Replied the other teen faintly, before slipping back into the embrace of sleep. Izuku couldn’t help the new flush that took over his face. A quiet chuckle reminded him that All Might was still in the room.

“It’s like I told you, my boy. It will be ok,” chuckled the retired hero. Izuku whined and buried his head in Shouto’s pillow.

Recovery Girl let them go the following morning. Izuku also remembered what had sparked the incident that nearly had Shouto eating Izuku’s foot. He had accidentally confessed his love of Shouto on the candid_shoutos page. The page had been going nuts for the last 72 hours or so. Everyone speculating on what the tag meant.

The speculation of who ran the page was once again a hot topic. Most people were convinced it was a classmate at this point but they never pushed too hard for an identity reveal. But now people were wondering if he was just a classmate with a crush or a stalker obsessed with Shouto. A stalker, really? Did they really think Shouto was that oblivious?

But the most concerning thing about the whole fiasco was that there were some heavy discussions surrounding potential hero couples, especially the up and coming ones like him and Todoroki being had. Izuku would pay it little mind and so would Shouto. But Izuku feared the one person that they didn’t want paying any attention to such talk, in fact would become heavily concerned:

Endeavor.

The man loved to squash anything that he felt would be a distraction to Shouto’s budding career/Enji’s pet pride project. Izuku snorted at the thought… Pride project, heh. Izuku shook off the silly thought as he continued to read through the comments and debate about his response to this whole mess. Not to mention, Shouto was still silent on what he wanted to do about the whole thing. That had him on edge. His own anxiety was flaring up at the idea that Shouto might hate all the attention and possibly break up with him over it.

Part of Izuku knew he was being ridiculous, but he was too much of an anxious person to put it aside so easily. However, fortunately or unfortunately, Shouto’s dazed confession was also weighing heavily on his mind. Izuku tried to ignore the butterflies that were constantly wanting to take flight in his stomach. Izuku was very much in love with Shouto as well. He just didn’t want to pester Shouto about what he said in Recovery Girl’s office. He didn’t want to push him away, if the boy had let it slip by mistake. So, he wasn’t communicating with Shouto like usual and Todoroki himself had been more closed off than usual.

Izuku sighed as he face planted into the couch, heart heavy. Ochaco laughed at him.

“Still moping Deku? Why don’t you just talk to Todoroki?” she asked as she poked him in the head playfully. Izuku groaned in response.

“I would love to, but in the past two days, he’s been nonexistent.” He huffed. She hummed.

“Yeah… I haven’t really seen him outside of class lately.” She replied thoughtfully. Suddenly, Izuku’s phone went off. It was a text from Mina prompting him to check the Insta. Izuku really didn’t want to, but he also knew Mina wouldn’t have bothered him if it wasn’t important. Resigned to his fate, Izuku opened it and blinked. There was a notification that a new photo had posted. ‘What?’ was his first thought. He hadn’t scheduled any posts recently because of the mayhem. Izuku froze. There was only one other person that had access to the page and that was…

He pressed the notification with a trembling finger. The phone went white for a moment as it loaded the page. Izuku’s heart jolted in his chest when the photo appeared. It was a picture of himself asleep, probably from one of their many late night study sessions. He was lying prone on his bed, his Japanese literature book laying open on his chest. But that was not the only thing in the picture. Shouto was sitting on the side of the bed, blocking Izuku’s legs. He was eyeing the camera with a bemused expression, glasses perched on his nose. All in all, it was a cute candid moment.

What had Izuku locked in place was the caption.

My boyfriend is an overachieving dork, not a stalker

#wtf people #A stalker really? #You think I would let just anybody take THAT many photos of me? #Endeavor don’t bother

A bubbly laugh started to build in the back of his throat, after a few moments, it tumbled out of his mouth like water over a cliff. He laughed and laughed. That was so like Shouto! Here Izuku was freaking out over possibly outing him and Shouto, while Shouto just wrapped up the situation with a bit of sarcasm. He truly did love his mess of a boyfriend.

“Deku, what on Earth is wrong with you?” Ochaco laughed, his laughter clearly getting to her.

“I-Shouto—that dork! I love him… I really, really do.” Izuku babbled, completely overwhelmed by his feelings. The laughter finally gave way to a calm contentedness. It felt warm, just like Shouto’s arms. Almost as if he was summoned, Shouto suddenly appeared in Izuku’s peripheral vision.

“Well, now you can tell him that in person!” she teased. She bounced to her feet, greeted Shouto cheerfully, and skipped away.

“Tell me what?” Shouto asked instead of a normal greeting. His eyes flew to meet Shouto’s head on as he sat next to him on the couch. Izuku noticed that Shouto’s body language was screaming ‘nervous’, although his voice was as steady as ever. Why is he nervous? He thought. Then he remembered the new picture. He wanted to slap himself. Shouto was probably just as nervous about this whole thing as Izuku. Neither one of them had much experience when it came to relationships. But they were willing to muddle their way through it together. Shouto had probably been avoiding Izuku for the same reason Izuku had stopped talking to Shouto.

“That… I-I love you.” Izuku squeaked out, sounding much like his younger self, a blush rapidly spreading over his cheeks. Shouto’s eyes widened and a pleased smile slipped across his face. His red hair lit at the ends with a gentle flame, while little flurries danced from his white making the strands look like icicles. Gods, why is he so adorable?! Izuku thought, heart full. He grinned back.

“I love you, too.” Shouto whispered back, voice heavy with emotion. Izuku leaned in and whispered,

“I know…” Shouto’s face turned pink. Izuku closed the gap before Shouto could question him and kissed him. Shouto purred, sending a shiver down Izuku’s spine. They spent several moments locked together, reveling in being together again. The ache of Izuku’s lungs forced him to pull away and take a deep breath. Shouto’s eyes were glazed over, a ghost of a smile still on his lips. His hair was still acting out, but thankfully hadn’t gotten any wilder.

Suddenly, struck by an idea, Izuku opened the camera app in Insta. He wrapped his unoccupied hand around Shouto’s waist, careful to avoid his hair. He looked at the camera with a roguish grin as Shouto continued to stare up at him with the same ethereal smile on his face. He took the picture, grinning at how well it turned out. Shouto finally seemed to realize his Quirk’s behavior and huffed in annoyance as he tried to put it out. Izuku just continued to smile as he tagged and posted his latest photo.

He is wild about me!

#Flawless Together #he’s mine #Endeavor f*ck off                  

________________________________________________________________

Would you like your work to be featured in the 365 Days of TodoDeku Project? Apply here! (≧∇≦)/

#Story #ebonyphd #TodoDeku #365DaysofTodoDeku #TodoDeku365 #365 Days of TodoDeku #tddk #Shouto Todoroki #Todoroki Shouto #Izuku Midoriya #Midoriya Izuku #Boku no Hero Academia #BNHA #My Hero Academia #MHA #Todoroki x Midoriya #Shouto x Izuku #TodoIzu #long post

[coll2mitts]

Thyroid Follow-up Scans - Year 1 and Year 2

So, 2 years later, here I am again with this thyroid bullshit.  I started writing about this last year and never posted it, so here I am posting a whole year’s worth of crap.

If you’re ready for a lot of angst and general bullshit go ahead and read below the cut.  There’s gifs and pictures, though, which I think makes it better.

A year ago, I went in for my appointment with my endocrinologist, and asked him if it was possible for me to do my follow-up testing at Beaumont’s Farmington Hills campus, because it’s 5 minutes from my house instead of 30 minutes, and, if you remember, I wasn’t a super big fan of my nuclear med doctor.  He was very distressed when I asked him this, and insisted I stick with Beaumont Royal Oak because “just because it says Beaumont on the door doesn’t mean you’re going to get identical treatment.  They’d just perform the scan on you, they wouldn’t even have you meet with an oncologist.  It’s only once a year, you can handle going to Royal Oak once a year.”

Yeah, except it isn’t “once a year”.  It’s 5 different appointments (minimum) I have to take time off of work for, and as much as I love fighting through rush hour traffic to get to the hospital for a 5 minute appointment, I don’t want to do that.  The endo also gave me the (false) impression that maybe they’d just give me a CT scan or something instead of making me go through a month without meds.  I was like, cool, yeah, if I just have to go in for one scan, I don’t give a shit, sign me up.  So, I called in mid Feb to schedule my one-year follow-up.

(Sidenote: I don’t think my endo was wrong about Farmington Hills, especially considering my interactions and my mother’s interactions with that hospital, but the dismissal of the amount of effort it takes to get there when you’re hypothyroid and feel like you’re gradually turning into stone was frustrating.)

I hate how they used to do scheduling at Beaumont, it’s the worst.  You get put on a list, and then a person calls you back several weeks later when they get their schedule for the next month and you can then work out a date and time.  They actually didn’t forget about me this time, and scheduled me for a consultation appointment at the end of March.  I decided to take my boyfriend with me and test out a new theory that if I prove that SOMEONE cares about me, the doctor would.

One very early morning in March, I dragged my poor boyfriend out of bed to get to the hospital.  Of course, when I got there, they had no record of me being in the system, so I have to wait 30 minutes to even check in at reception.  Then I sat in another waiting room waiting for the nuclear medicine doctor.  They ran me through the same questions they did last time, and handed me a sheet with all of my prescheduled dates for dropping the meds, starting the diet, drinking the radiation, etc.  Of course, they hand me this sheet and I’m like “wait, so I’m going through the whole process again?” and the PA just says, “Yes...?” as if it was a weird question to ask.  Then he took my pulse and was like, “Are you anxious?” “Yes.” “OK.”

The nuclear medicine doctor came in after that and was like, “Oh, I remember you!  But you (pointing at my boyfriend), you’re new!  This a new husband, significant other, friend?” “New boyfriend.  Just brought him so he could take in the whole experience.”

Like, legit, my boyfriend rarely talked the entire time and she couldn’t stop going on about how much she loved him.  Then she talked directly to him about how cranky I’d get, and how I’d need to go on the diet, and how he should be supportive, and then follows that up with, “But it’s only 3 weeks, you’ll barely notice a difference!” staring directly at me.  Yeah, sure, no difference.

The dates they had me scheduled were starting May 1st to drop the meds, with the scan being in the later part of the month.  They wanted to make sure that the spot in my jaw was gone.

This is where my confusion sets in.  Initially, the spot in my jaw didn’t show up as part of the scan - it only showed up when they did the full radiation dose to kill the cancer.  What makes them think it’s going to show up this time?  Also, my endo told me that they would be monitoring my Thyroglobulin levels, and if they were zero that would mean I was cancer free.  They have been zero the last two times they’ve done it and they’re still making me do the scan.  Is testing the Thyroglobulin levels not indicative of cancer being present in my body, then?  Could cancer be growing and now show up in those levels?

But we move forward, and come the end of April I stop taking my meds (a day early, because at this point I wasn’t taking my pills on Sunday).  I start the diet 5 days earlier than they told me to, because a week didn’t seem long enough, and I don’t want to fuck around with the results.  The first couple days off of the meds weren’t great, but then it became pretty manageable and I thought, “shit, this is lucky, maybe it won’t be as bad as before!” and of course, after I say that, my body decides to shut the fuck down.

I started to have weird dreams again (although not as bad as last time), my body would ache constantly, and I didn’t have any strength left.  The week before my thyroid scan I decided to go up 4 flights of stairs to get to a meeting at work and it almost killed me, so I figured that was the point where I should start taking it easy because riding the elevator doesn’t make you a weak person.

When I called for the results of my TSH, I barely crossed the finish line at 44.  Thank god.  I went in the following Monday to get the tracer dose, and at this point I’m in super high spirits because I’ve been drinking the optimism kool-aid.  Everyone has been telling me I’ll be fine, that I won’t have to be on the diet again (everyone is SO FUCKING FIXATED on the diet aspect of this whole process like that’s the worst part instead of, I dunno, being off your meds and dealing with the anxiety of getting a cancer scan).  I’ve been the one peppering my statements “if everything looks ok”.  So, the nuclear medicine doctor comes in and is like “OK, hopefully this is the last of it, although you did have thyroglobulin levels present, so we have to figure out where that’s coming from.”

Oh.

Then nurse wheels in the dose, I drink the radioactive material (shown above stored in a lead egg - I asked the nurse if it was OK to take pictures and she’s like “YEAH! Let’s open it up so you can see inside!”) and drive into work with a now-familiar sense of dread.

That’s the vial they store the iodine in.  What’s shoved inside it is the plastic straw I used, because now that’s radioactive, too :P

Of course, when I get to work, I immediately start digging in the thyroid cancer forums (DON’T DO THAT) and got super depressed and thought great, now I have to go into surgery again, or do beam radiation or chemo, or maybe it’s spread to all my organs and this is it, I’ll be part of the 3% of people who die from thyroid cancer.  But 6 hours later I realized the only thing that I know, for sure, is that this changes the best case scenario to “I have to do all this bullshit again next year to make sure the second round of I-131 works”, and I’ve *done* that before so it’s way less scary.  Worst case scenario, we find out it’s not iodine avid and I have to do something else.

So, I go in the next day to measure my radiation levels, and what was normally supposed to be a 15 minute appointment turned into an hour because they sprung a neck scan on me.  No time to get anxious about it, cause there I was, under the plate, cursing god and all that is holy I’d have to do this twice this year.  They don’t say anything about the results, send me home, and I go with Beau-James to the full-body scan the next day.

This is the machine they use to find the radioactive material in your body.  You lay on the bed on the right (where the amazing heated blanket is balled up), they literally strap you down (feet and body) so you’re essentially a firmly wrapped burrito, and then the machine wheels you into the area with the flat plates.  Then, the nurse adjusts the plates so they get REALLY FUCKING CLOSE TO YOUR FACE, and over 40 minutes it guides you through the machine to see if it can find anything.  At least they let you wear headphones.

I laid there for a head scan, the full body scan, and then to really freak me out, a chest scan.  Then, after waiting for what fucking felt like an eternity, the doctor comes out and is like, “You’re gonna be fine, it’s still that spot in your neck.”

“What spot in my neck?” “The one that showed up after the treatment last year.” “I thought that was in my jaw?” “No... no.  In your jaw?  There’s no spot in your jaw, it’s in the middle of your neck.” ...The middle of my neck.  That was causing tightness in my neck, that caused me to go to the ER.  That all my doctors convinced me was a result of my anxiety.  Was fucking thyroid cancer.  Cool.

The spot was so small, though, that she said she didn’t want to treat it because treating it would cause me more harm than good.  And she didn’t want to send me for a CT scan because a scan for any thyroglobulin level under 11 wouldn’t be approved by my insurance (mine was 3).  Her recommendation was to: a) come in the next day to get ANOTHER neck scan, b) get a ultrasound on my neck to see if we could find any other masses, and c) wait it out until next year.  Which meant another round of testing.  Joy.  

Her hope was that was it would just burn itself out since it was so small.

I went in the next day for neck scan #3 of the year, and she said the spot was already fading on the scan, so she felt optimistic.   But I know my body and it’s ability to fight things on its own, so I wasn’t feeling super great about it.

Flash forward to now, year 2 of thyroid cancer (third time being scanned), and I get the ultra sound (doesn’t show anything), and I do the blood cancer scans (zero thyroglobulin), and still ramping up for the tests this year I know I’m gonna be fucked.  Because those tests have never been an indicator of what is really going on with my body.

I go in for my initial appointment again, do the song and dance of “how are you feeling, what are your symptoms?” etc, which doesn’t mean anything because they operate on what the blood tests and the scans show you.  The last 4 or so months I could tell I was hyper... I was super angry all the time and hungry constantly.  BUT I kept telling myself, no, that wouldn’t make sense, because I’m tired all the time and have gained a stupid amount of weight.  And literally the nuclear medicine doctor tells me, “I don’t know why you’re tired all the time, it must be something else, because your last blood test showed your TSH level at .4.”

My last TSH test was back in November.  And I didn’t know that before because my endo *snail mails* me my results and they’re hand written and say things like “keep taking the meds, you don’t have cancer”.

Now, I had called to schedule the appointment to see the nuclear medicine doctor back in February, even though last year my scans were in May.  They schedule me to go meet her in early April, but then rescheduled for late April.  When she hands me over the dates for going off the meds and the scan, I’m expecting May again, but this time it’s late June, “So you’ll be out of school.” “I’m not IN school, I’m 31.” “You’re still young enough to be in school.” “...But I’m NOT.”

Doesn’t matter.  I get to be in a hypo daze for 2 of the few months of summer we have in Michigan.  Want to go hiking?  Biking?  Walking?  Fuck you, hobble around, have a nap and cry at Serta Mattress commercials.

For the third time in my life, I go off my meds and start chugging along.  It’s hard for me to climb stairs, I start having dreams about animatronic dinosaurs without skin on trying to eat my face, I cry at the dumbest things.  I can’t sleep for more than 3 hours at a time, and when I wake up I don’t necessarily feel like I’m awake.

I manage two teams at work, neither of which have been around long enough to know about my cancer, and a new boss who also has no clue what’s going on.  I try to hide feeling like utter garbage, because this year hit me way harder than last year.  After being nudged by my friend Erin, who has also suffered through Thyroid cancer, I finally broke down and took the week of my scan off of work.  Even then, I STILL thought I didn’t have to tell anybody because I’d just be gone for a week, and that doesn’t seem weird.  I just didn’t want to be known as “Cancer Girl”.  Or, more importantly, make people think that I couldn’t handle my job because that insecurity runs THAT deep.  Being a female who works in software is super fun.

When I finally got my blood test done, my TSH level was at a 54.  And my thyroglobulin level doubled to 6.  Whomp whomp.  I went into work the day I found out my results and basically told everyone what was going on, because if they had to treat me, I wasn’t going to be an radioactive idiot who worked from home like last time.  Unlimited PTO means I get to use it, right?

So, I go in for the tracer (this is literally what they do to you to make sure you don’t spit radioactive material everywhere), the 24-hour uptake, and the scan, and they haven’t even finished my chest scan when the doctor bursts in and says, “Well, I can’t see anything.”   Apparently the thyroid tissue in my body is no longer iodine avid, so they can’t treat it with 131.  She wanted me to come in the next day for another scan just to be sure, but she was going to recommend a PET scan to see if that would show anything.

It took an entire week of her fighting with my insurance company to get the scan approved.  The year before she told me they wouldn’t approve a scan for anybody with under 11 thyroglobulin, but she was advocating HARD.  When they finally got approval, I had to go in the day before for a blood test to make sure my TSH levels were over 20, and I couldn’t eat any carbs or sugar because they needed my blood sugar level to be under 200.  The idea is that cancer tissue eats lots of sugar, so a radioactive sugar concoction will show up on the scan.

The actual day of the scan I asked Beau-James to come with me for moral support, but then found out it’d take 2-5 days for an oncologist to read the scan and send it over, so I wouldn’t hear anything that day.  Basically, they injected me with the radioactive material, we got to hang out in our own private room for an hour and a half while my tumors ate the sugar, and then they sent me in for the scan.

I know I’ve mentioned before how fucking claustrophobic I am, and how goddamn terrible the nuclear scans were.  Beau-James has sat in the room with me for a few of them, and this last time I was like, “Oh god, I always forget how CLOSE they get to your face,” and he says, “Eh, it’s like 2 inches away,” AS IF THAT ISN’T TERRIFYING.  When I had asked the nurse if the PET scan also gets close to your face she’s like, “If you can handle the other test, this will be a breeze.”  I think she was being generous with her definition of “breeze”, cause they do stick you in a tube, and it does feel close, but she was correct in the fact that it didn’t bring me to unparalleled levels of anxiety where I want to claw my way out of the machine and run screaming, which was nice.  It moves you around a lot, too, giving you some variety on position, and I spent a lot of the 25 minute scan with my head outside of the machine, so it wasn’t too bad.  After it was done, they sent me home, and Beau-James and I drank beer and ate burgers because I no longer had to worry about any funky diets.

Today I got the results back from the PET scan, and I was both like 0% surprised by the results, and simultaneously terrified by them.  The head/neck/chest scan showed nothing, so they still don’t know where the thyroid tissue is.  The nuclear medicine doctor said at this point we’ll just “watch and wait” for the tissue to present itself, which is both annoying and slightly relieving.  The other part of the scan, though, was the curveball.  Apparently my left ovary picked up a lot of material, so they want me to get it checked out.  I’ve been complaining to my doctor about this ovary for about a year because it makes my periods FUCKING UNBEARABLE to the point of me crying on my bed praying for death because the pain is so bad.

So, watch this space, cause I might be providing ovarian cancer updates next.

Sigh.

#thyroid cancer

[artlessictoan]

May I request some yodochou

dear nonny, you may aLWAYS request yodochou!

(femslash feb requestsopen all month!)

—

YodoChou - Concert

—

Chouchou frowned as she studied her reflection, twisting andspinning and still not finding what she was looking for.

It might’ve helped if she’d actually known what that was exactly, but,unfortunately, she’d been relying on instinct to guide her. Instincts sheapparently didn’t possess.

Groaning, she stopped trying to twist her neck a fullone-hundred and eighty degrees to see her back, instead flopping down on herbed face-first. She had to move just a few seconds later, sitting upright sothat the multitude of metal spikes decorating her leather jacket would stopdigging into her skin.

Needless to say, her ‘punk’ experiment was a resoundingfailure.

She couldn’t see how anyonecould find this comfortable… well, anyone except Yodo, who had presumably emergedfrom the womb with steel-toe boots already clad, kicking in the teeth of thepoor bastard delivering her.

Chouchou stared at the reflection before her, of a woeful girldressed in ill-fitting leather, denim that was more hole than fabric and tackyfishnet sleeves and tights, draped in enough metal chains and spikes that shecould probably make herself a serviceable suit of armour, who couldn’t lookmore out-of-place and uncomfortable if she tried. There was entirely too muchblack in this outfit, had punks never heard of accent colours? And how the fuckwas it that all the things that made her heart pound and cheeks burn when hercrush wore them, just made her look like an angsty teenager trying way too hard to piss of her parents.

This was the last time she went to Inojin for advice.

She would’ve spent even longer wallowing in misery, had herphone not chosen that moment to go off. Not bothering to tear her gaze awayfrom her miserable reflection, she blindly swatted the bed behind her until herhand closed around hard plastic and brought the mobile to her face, frowning atthe way the movement the half-dozen chains hanging from her sleeves jangle andclink.

“Yeah?”

“Hey girl-” Yodo’s scratchy voice immediately brought asmile to her face “-you sound fuckin’ dismal, not to worry though, I’m here nowto wash all your worries away! So hurry up and lemme in.”

Immediately jumping to her feet, she was almost out the doorbefore the rattling of metal stopped her in her tracks. Chouchou glanced backat her mirror, grimacing at the state she was in. “Actually… now’s not a greattime, maybe come back in like, fifteen minutes?”

“Whaaaat, no way! C’mon it’s freezing out here and it’d take me more than that just to walkhome.”

She toyed with the hem of her frayed t-shirt, wondering iffacing her best friend’s wrath would be better or worse than her hystericallaughter. “Then get me some sweets from the shop?”

“Hell no!”

“I’ll pay you back,” she rushed to say, already fighting toshrug off the jacket, but only succeeding in getting her arm caught in one ofthe many unnecessary straps hanging from it, “just gimme ten minutes to change…”The faint rip as she struggled against fabric almost made her want to scream.

And the slam of a heavy door made her want to cry.

“Too late-” Yodo’s voice now came from inside the house,slightly muffled by walls and doors, with an unsettling echo from the phone “-alreadypicked the lock, thought I told ya to get a deadbolt?” The footsteps creepingever closer had Chouchou panicking as she tried to both shed the goddamned jacket and lean against the doorat the same time. “Hey, you listenin’ to me? You better say if you’re nakedright no-” the door swung open, but came to a jarring halt as it collided withher back “-the fuck? Really?”

Chouchou shoved it back, though the resistance from theother side was extreme. “I told you not to come in!”

“An’ I ignored you.” Another shove, she had to drop herphone to fight it. “What’s wrong with you today?” She grunted as Yodo made afull-body slam against the door. “I’ve got two brothers, you ain’t winnin’ thisbattle.”

“Don’t care, just go sit in the kitchen while I get dressed!”

There was a long pause, though the pressure against her didn’tlet up for a second, before she heard a sigh and the crackling of plastic. Shewas just about to try for another push when a skinny hand slipped through thecrack between the door and its frame, handles of a plastic bag coming with it,though the main bulk of it remained trapped behind the door. “I already boughtsweets on my way here…”

She stared hard at the bag, mind rushing with all possibleoutcomes. “What kind?” Chouchou muttered, mentally cursing her unquenchableappetite.

“Gummies and chocolate raisins for you, sugar almonds and sourcandy for me.”

Her head made a heavy clunk as she slammed it back againstthe wood. “Ok, fine, but you’re notallowed to laugh, got it?”

“Yup, now lemme in!” Yodo shouted, already pushing againstthe door again.

Shaking her head, Chouchou carefully stepped back, catchingit before it could slam into her dresser. Her crush stumbled slightly, but wasquick to regain her footing and give her an intense up-and-down. She tried notto fidget under those hard, green eyes, instead focusing on Yodo’s expression,trying to gauge her reactions before the inevitable laughter.

The expected widening of eyes, her mouth dropping into atiny ‘o’ for a few seconds, before her lips pulled back as she tried – and failed– to conceal a smirk, a tiny shaking of shoulders and faint snort.

She sighed, rolling her eyes as she snatched the bag fromYodo’s slack grip, collapsing back onto her bed, before remembering why thatwas a terrible idea and dragging herself back up. “I told you not to laugh.”

“I ain’t laughing!” she said, utterly failing to sound likeshe wasn’t laughing.

“You’re a terrible liar,” Chouchou mumbled, digging for hersweets in crinkling plastic, “just thought I’d try and get into the spirit ofthings for the concert, but clearly punk is notmy style.” She didn’t bother to mention that she’d also hoped that maybeappealing to her secret crush’s taste in fashion might get her to see her in anew, more alluring, light.

Yodo finally released the laugh that she’d been holding back,but surprisingly it was more of a chuckle than the howling cackle she’d beenexpecting. The blonde jumped next to her, playfully shoving their shoulderstogether. “C’mon, it ain’t that bad, you’ve kinda got the right ide-”

Her words cut off suddenly, leaning back to study her a littlecloser; Chouchou chewed on a gummy snake and raised a brow.

“Actually,” Yodo said, leaping up and marching over to herfriend’s wardrobe, “Let’s see, no, no…”

Watching the short woman as she rifled though her things, noteven bothering to complain when she started throwing tops to the floor as shesearched – her dad had been trying to train her out of her messiness for over adecade with little success, Chouchou wasn’t even going to bother – just casuallyworking through her treats, wondering why the fuck she found that scrawny assso attractive.

Finally, she seemed to have found what she was after,throwing a t-shirt and skirt over her head. “’ere, change into this, keep thetights and boots though.”

Rolling her eyes, she escaped from the fabric and startedshuffling out of the distressed skinny jeans she had on. She didn’t worry aboutbeing watched, as her friend had already flopped down on the mattress and wasentertaining herself with her sugared almonds, besides, she wouldn’t reallymind if she did want to look…

The next twenty minutes was a flurry of changing tops until Yodowas satisfied, then she was ordered to sit still as she worked on her makeupand hair, singing along to her favourite rock playlist the whole time.

When she was finally allowed to look at herself again, she’dbeen completely transformed.

She stared for a long moment, then walked right up to themirror as though that would somehow make her reflection change to what she actually looked like, because there wasno way she could ever look so… badass.

“Oh.” She stepped back again, just to properly admire theway that her skirt – the long velvet one she’d never found an excuse toactually wear before – hugged her hips, the high slit revealing a long, toned,fishnet-clad leg, how her bright, jewel green crop top showed off a generousamount of skin, and added a splash of colour under the jacket she’d so hated justhalf an hour ago – though the fact that her friend had somehow managed toremove half the needless metal from it probably had something to do with that. “I…look fucking hardcore, damn girl, underall the studs and eyeliner you’re actually a total fashionista, aren’t cha?”

There was no reply.

Glancing over her shoulder, she was about to say something,but the way her crush was staring at her, jaw hanging open, eyes unfocused andcheeks definitely darker than usual stoppedher dead.

Yodo, upon realising that she was being spoken too, finally managedto unfreeze. “Uhh… oh! Shit! We’re gonna miss the show if we don’t get goin’! C’monlazy-butt, race ya!” She fled the room like she would flee from the scene ofher pranks, rather pointedly not looking back at her.

She couldn’t have stopped the wide grin stretching acrossplum-painted lips if she’d tried. Maybe Inojin knew what he was talking aboutafter all…

—

#ictoan writes #ictoan answers #yodochou #yodo #chouchou akimichi #naruto #boruto #this took way longer than it probably should have bc i had to keep looking up fashion stuff #for reference! #i'm actually really amazed that i've gotten so many reqs for these two this month #which is not a bad thing at all #i will never get sick of these girls #anonymous

[therealnakedgardener]

Is it really Distance Learning that’s failing your children?

Everyday there’s new stories about how Distance Learning is failing, and how kids are missing out on so much, and how our children are going to be psychologically crippled forever because they can’t be at recess with their friends. I would like to help change the narrative on this, if I may. 

Shouting from the rooftops, and any media source willing to broadcast or publish your opinion (yes, I get the irony here) about how “distance learning is failing” only creates a narrative that schools are failing our children; that teachers are failing your children. And I am pleading for this to stop! Distance learning is not what is failing your children right now – poor management of an out of control pandemic is what has created the situation that is failing your children right now. Unfortunately, when this pandemic was approached as political agenda issue – instead of a sneaky, resilient, always-looking-for-it’s-next-host virus – the institutions your tax dollars pay for (like schools, medicare, emergency services, etc) were maxed out immediately. This is why March 13, 2020 will stand out as a “where were you” moment for generations to come; because for many of us it marked the end of a “normal” we may never see again.

On March 13, I was in my office at the local high school, working furiously and desperately with the other counselors to make a plan. We had until 3pm on Friday the 13th to take what we thought we might need for the next few weeks (which is what we all imagined quarantine would be at the time.) Yes, there was some sitting and staring, “What will I need? What should I bring with me to work from home?” We grabbed files from our drawers, forms that we might need, we downloaded a bunch of files from our hard drives, grabbed brochures for community resources, and crisis resource information. We created shared drives and converted hard copies of forms to digital formats we could access from home. We took handouts and materials related to our seniors who were already behind in credit and working double time to graduate on time. In short, there was a lot to process. Everyone did the best they could with the information we were given. School districts all over the State, and later – in the entire nation, were building a band-aid to bridge the gap from March 13 to late April….as that was the initial announcement.

But then the information changed. We weren’t returning end of April, and would continue Distance Learning for the remainder of the 2020 school year. Graduation Ceremony? No one knows. Mind you, the life of a high school counselor from the months of April-June include regular phone calls from parents who have kids who “might not make it” for various reasons – usually related to it just not being a priority for the student. Parents want to know if they should plan graduation parties, or if they should be planning to fly grandma in – and she doesn’t travel well. They want a guarantee from me before they invest time and money into a celebration. And if you are asking yourself “No way, do parents really call and ask that?” I would say what we always say in this business, “You can’t make this shit up.” Which should also explain why the latest, and most persistent, slogan of the pandemic is that “Distance Learning is failing your children.” 

Fast forward to July, and we are experiencing a second wave of Rona – she’s surging from 4th of July weekend and summer vacations with friends and family. Because we’re entitled Americans and you can’t tell us “No BBQs on the 4th of July” – hell, this is what makes us Americans, right? Lots of beer, fireworks, and 911 calls…which, again, overtaxes a system that is already maxed out (as stated above.) But it was the height of summer – and people were tired of being in quarantine for 5 months. I am not saying I agree, or was partaking in anything other “we need to go to the store” – just replaying the facts. 

Thus, schools had to scramble to put together Distance Learning 2.0 for the Fall. The expectation was that it would be less of the band-aid that was built in the Spring, and more of a comprehensive digital platform. Mind you there was no extra funding for this, and districts had to make tough decisions – like using money from transportation or food services, since those departments were not as active during the school closures. Our district chose a 3 period day, as a response to the “too many emails” and “too much to manage remotely” concerns from our community. All totally legit – I believe our district has the best plan around, and I don’t get paid to say that. I truly believe it. 

Again, as high school counselors, we had to answer questions like “how do we make this work for students?” For example, for those who don’t know, Advanced Placement (AP) courses have testing in May. And since periods 4-6 didn’t start until Feb 2, we needed to offer all of our AP courses in periods 1-3 – which happens Sept-Jan.  This means students could only take 3 AP courses this year. And yes, three college level classes for a high school student may sound like more than enough, but you’d be surprised. I could bore you with more details, and the play-by-play of difficult conversations and impossible decisions, but just know that trying to figure how and when to offer classes for the children was like riding a rollercoaster that never stops. And yes, twists, turns, upside down, makes you want to puke…all of it. But we got there. And the school year began! 

Then news reports and articles about how Distance Learning is failing our students began to appear. And it makes my heart ache for the teachers who spent their summer break watching webinars and instructional videos so that they were familiar with the various digital formats our district selected. Teachers, who are running on fumes – because no one ever stopped working after March 13 happened. No one has had the opportunity to totally unplug, or make the incessant thoughts about how we can do better stop from keeping us awake at night. Teachers just have to keep….teaching. They create lessons for both synchronous and asynchronous learning, they stretch out of comfort zones to be fun and exciting on camera. They sacrifice time with their family – because work/home lines are so blurred right now, and it’s too easy to get tunnel vision. Especially when all you hear on the news is how Distance Learning is failing our children. 

So they work harder. Districts tell principals there needs to be more accountability as to how teachers are spending their time. Did you know that if a teacher wants to give a student an F, they have to fill out a packet of paperwork – documenting “multiple and varied attempts” to contact the student and parent. And then they have to collect ALL the work the student chose to not do, and put it in a file – so that the student has the opportunity to make the work up later, and replace their F with a passing grade. If the voice in your head is saying “wait, if a kid fails, don’t they just get an F and have to make it up in summer school?” Thirty years ago, yes. Today? No way. In today’s world of litigious parents, high stakes testing, and accountability to the federal government which is linked to funding – things have changed a smidge. So, as the proverbial poop rolls downhill, teachers get squeezed more and more. Do more. Help more. Be more. 

Has anyone read statistics about how many children are participating in remote learning? Consider that in a school setting, they are a captive audience and “have to be there.” And yes, they are more likely to engage when the socially acceptable thing to do is attend class when the bell rings. And, for the most part, pay attention. Maybe learn something. Maybe even participate and turn stuff in! But at home, when your existence is a picture of your face in a box, that motivation and structure isn’t there automatically. 

Distance Learning has required that students want to learn. They now get to make a choice each day to login, or play video games. Imagine you’re fifteen years old, and your parents went to work for the day, what would you choose? Or imagine you’re ten years old, and your parents are out of work – and the climate at home isn’t great. Everyone is having to pitch in more, or maybe the arguing has turned to fighting, or worse. How important is it to login for class? 

More and more teachers are reporting that, even when students do login for class – they block video. So all of these “fun and exciting” lessons they have prepared, and summoned the courage to do on camera from an empty classroom at school, is done to a screen of avatars instead of live humans. Anecdotal reports indicate that “turning your camera on isn’t cool.” Which makes it even harder on teachers, who are working harder than they ever have in their careers. School employees are living in a world where we are working double-time with all of the parts of the job that are impersonal, and not fun; and the part that makes this job worth doing – the student interaction, and the amusing randomness of a school day – doesn’t really exist right now. 

So is it really Distance Learning that isn’t working? Maybe. Or maybe it’s just the most convenient way to measure how bad things have gotten since March 13. Perhaps it’s easier to make education the scapegoat when people have to make sacrifices and forgo holidays with extended family and friends, or listen to their children complain about missing out on “everything.”  This is the United States of America, and outside these borders, we’re known for our entitlement – it’s kind of our thing. But inside the borders, instead of acknowledging an inherent entitlement that is part of the fabric of American culture, we’ll just say Distance Learning is failing our children. 

#distancelearning #COVIDquarantine #education #teachers #entitledamerica

[anonymoususername123]

Dating in Toronto

In this world of hookup culture we are forgetting who we are.

It’s December of 2019. The year is coming to an end, in fact the decade is coming to an end. In my generation of millennials I think we’re called, ( I’m 32 ), we either have been involved or know someone that’s been involved in the hookup culture that is currently taking over the world.

Gone are the days of loyalty, trust, commitment, and love.

(Edit: Actually that’s not true. It’s been pointed out to me by some friends, and I already knew this too, that there ARE some people in committed, loving, trusting, healthy relationships. I mean romantic ones. Because I have all of the above mentioned things going on with friend relationships. I have just yet to find it in a ROMANTIC way.... I’d like to say I have SOME hope though... anyways read on to get why I’m so jaded)

Although I know the older and last generations have had their share of breakups and divorces, cheating and scandals, side chicks, alimony, and child support.

These tragedies aren’t new.

What is new and still continuing and evolving is the ever present hookup culture.

You can download an app or two, or three, four, fuck there’s so many who can even keep count.

The point is you can download an app, set your preference, and boom by 11pm that night you’re fucking someone you just met, on an app, literally hours before.

You don’t know them and they don’t know you. You go for coffee, but it’s not really coffee. It’s them picking you up, grabbing a hot chocolate at 10:30pm at night, and going for a drive in their car ( this has happened to me many a times). You then realize ah shit I fucked up, I’m stuck in a strangers car, who is now chain smoking for whatever reason, and then you go park in a deserted parking lot, to sit and get to know each other and make small talk.

Now I know most of you are thinking no way, this can’t be real, who stoops to that level of getting a Tim Hortons hot chocolate between 10:30-11pm at night with a total stranger to then go sit in their car and hope to God they don’t murder you.

But this is real life.

I’ve used Tinder, POF, OkCupid. I downloaded Bumble & Hinge and deleted immediately. I also think I tried something called “Happn” which I also deleted.

I’ve made an account on Seeking Arrangements just for the hell of it ( fuck I really hope I deleted my account oh man). I’ve joined Match for its like one month gig. I’ve joined Christian Mingle YEARS ago only to talk to some horny Italian guy that clearly was on the right site ( insert my VERY DISTINCT sarcasm please.)

It’s interesting because

You lose yourself in it all.

Somewhere someway somehow you allow people into your life you never in a million years think you would. You say and do shit you never thought you would.

You tolerate the weirdest and strangest shit.

Not once but at least.... four times I’ve been picked up by a guy in his car just to drive around, go park, talk, and then they wanna have sex.

I was once, no twice, master manipulated into having sex with a guy I suspect was married, in his van. It was scary. Horrifying. Terrifying. I went against my gut instinct. I went against my vibes. I’ve put myself in quite dangerous and scary situations.

I’ve let men into my life, into my body, I absolutely should never in my life have done so.

I can’t blame my daddy issues, my daddy issues are maybe the root of my issues with men. But my behaviour is something I have to own up to. My patterns, my habits, my inability to catch the players and walk away, block, delete, sooner than meeting up with them, that is on me.

So here I am now just reflecting back on this decade. In this decade I started it off dating someone that was toxic, unwell, borderline abusive. It never starts that way, and then next thing you know I ended up in a psych ward cause I tried to kill myself. The psychiatrist then tells you that one day the memories will fade away until they’re all gone. And it’s true. And he was one of the best psychiatrists I’ve ever met. And I cried when I heard he’s taking a sabbatical to work on something else. All the while knowing this is life. I’m sick. I’ll get better. And this was years ago.

And I slowly get better after that.

But I start using the dating apps. I’m single and vulnerable. I’m a social work student. I’m doing my placement, I’m going through school. I start working at a movie theatre.

My attachment issues, my mental health issues, my DADDY ISSUES, I don’t wanna deal with them. I know I have to. Maybe they’ll go away.

I had previously gotten clean, off drugs and alcohol. So I keep going to meetings.. NA meetings.. at one point I get a sponsor I start step work, I give up, not because I didn’t want to work on my recovery... I just stop using that sponsor. No hard feelings.

Fast forward to now. December 2019. For the last seven years of being single I’ve fucked countless guys... I’ve gone on some weird ass dates and some OK dates. I’ve tried to be non judgemental... I’ve been judgemental... people are... fucked lol.

I fucked a Ryan Gosling lookalike.

A guy I went to high school with.

Many other guys who shall remain nameless. Security guards, guys from NA, guys I met online. Boys boys boys boys.

I’ve gotten attached. I’ve cried, obsessed, blocked and unblocked so many times I have driven myself absolutely insane.

I was taken advantage of. In a van. I blocked that guy by the way... fairly sure he’s a predator... like I said.. some scary scary shit!

I’ve been reckless, not safe enough.

I’ve invited guys over. I’ve had one night stands. I’ve probably broken hearts, I’ve had my heart broken.

Then I meet a couple guys over the last year. One stood out. He was SO good looking in my eyes.. but SO unwell. I dropped every standard known to mankind and hooked up with him. He was F U C K E D up. We eventually end things.. stop talking or seeing each other. In Feb 2019 we randomly see each other ( after having first met each other in March/April 2018) on the subway, he comes over, we fuck. I never hear from him again. I see him on the subway platform a couple weeks later holding hands with a girl. We spot each other. I’m almost near the end of the platform. So he moves to the left, towards more of the centre. The train comes and we all get on. I’m fuming. Raging. I start voicenoting my friends, yelling loudly so he can hear me.. he’s further down the train than where I am. “THIS FUCKING GUY, I JUST FUCKED HIM AND HERE HE IS WITH A NEW GIRL, HOLDING HER HAND, THIS IS MADNESS”.

People are staring. I look crazy. We get off at the same stop. During the train ride They FOR SURE could hear me but they had their heads down, they’re talking, holding hands, ignoring the crazy bitch yelling into her phone about some guy she fucked that has the AUDCITY to board her train with a new girlfriend. Once we all get off, they’re up ahead of me and I eventually lose them. I call my mom and I’m SCREAMING into the phone. But.. who even cares? All that anger, rage & resentment, for what? We weren’t close. Or dating. I was nothing to him. When all I want is to be something to someone.

Basically... I’m sick of this shit. Sick of being nothing to no one. Just a sexual object, most likely a side chick, no trust or respect.

Some have taken me on proper dates.

Dinner. Movies.

Dinner.

Coffee shop.

But the mass majority have been flimsy, stupid, regrettable, one night stands that require more work on my part- I have laundry I end up having to do the next day... mixed with trying to wash all the shame and guilt off of me from my poor choices from the previous night.

It’s like we’ve become transactions with each other.

Some guy I just fucked last night was all “Oh no, I REALLY wanna get to know you, you’re one of the hottest girls on POF right now”

Buddy you don’t wanna get to know me you want to get to know my vagina. PUSSY. You wanna say HIIIIIIIII and REALLY get to know not me as a person but me as my VAGINA.

And it’s like SERIOUSLY?

Why can’t we be straightforward. Why do we lie.. to ourselves.. and each other.. it’s like I’ve convinced myself I’m either not worthy of love and respect or I’ve just given up on it as if it doesn’t exist anymore.

Siblings that are older.. all divorced or about to be. A couple still together. But one pair fights and fights and fights.

Is that love? Is that respect? Is that what a relationship is now? Still?

We can order food, products, and people to our door within a matter of minutes but at what cost?

You’re not paying me for sex but should you be?

I’ve often thought maybe I should dabble in being an escort. I’d get paid. And have sex. Because what’s the difference in what I’m doing besides absolutely nothing except that I’m not getting paid and sex workers are.

I’m having meaningless, pointless, regrettable sex that is oftentimes worth the orgasm but not the emotional turmoil I put myself through after.

I’ve definitely used sex the way I once upon a time used drugs and alcohol. I HATE admiting I’m a sex addict. I don’t crave it.. I don’t NEED it. But I do it anyways. When I’m sad, depressed, stressed. I want sex. I don’t want the guy or the drama or stress or relationship. I wanna exert my feminine power and fuck you til we both orgasm.

But... it doesn’t always work out that way. I may use guys for sex.. but they use me right back lol.

I have to delete the memories from my head and keep moving forward.

I met a guy this summer. At a Tim Hortons. There were vibes lol.

I could tell he was a player, manipulative. We exchanged numbers. To this day ( six months later ) we still chat. He left the city for months and is now back.

He’s put me down, about my faith & beliefs, my career, and just me as a person. He’s pissed me off and I’ve told him off. I’ve blocked and unblocked him so many times over the last few months, even without seeing him in person, only to unblock and message him again. He’s rude, narcissistic, a fucking prick. He doesn’t think, honestly, of literally anyone else except him and his daughter. He makes excuses and has stories for days. He’s been so rude to me so many times and yet I STILLLL wanna talk to him. I STILL want him to like me, want me, date me. Treat me nicer than he’s treated me.. actually talk to me with respect. Not lead me on leave me on read for hours at end to just come back around when he feels like it.

But, here I am, entertaining this fucking douche bag because I’m bored, lonely, depressed.

My dad just died. A month and a half ago. I know, you’re probably thinking Jesus, this girls life is DRAMA! It is. I’ll end this blog post here, for now, and finish all the rest of my stories later.

With my Dad passing its opened me up again. Made me a bit a softer. More self aware. More in tune with my emotions and what the fuck I want, what the fuck I’m doing. Everyone’s always told me how to act and what to do my whole Life, or at least that’s how it’s felt ( even though it’s not exactly true).

These experiences shape you, mould you, change you from the inside out.

I’ll get rid of all these fuckboys.

Everyone says oh just wait, the right person will come along. But will they? Will they really? Where’s the stats and proof and logistics of it? I mean sure I live in a big huge city so I will definitely meet SOMEONE one day but how? Where? Why are we told to just have blind faith this will happen.

Whoever made up that saying and these expressions and thought pattern is a fucking moron. We date and fuck who we either meet in person or meet online. There’s really no in between. But meeting people in person.. who, what, where, when, and how?

I’ll get back to you guys on all the rest of my wild life and stories and thoughts.

Blessings to all for now,

Anonymous Dater in Toronto

[taybigailsweirdheart]

Anon.

Okay, well it's truly up to you if you'd like to submit this (for people to see.) Anyways... This is a very long post, I apologize. It's hard to explain.

Okay, Come Back, Be Here isn't about Harry, it's totally a rumor simply created because Harry is British, so, we naturally assume it's about him. Which makes sense, but it simply isn't true.

Come Back, Be Here was written with Dan Wilson on a two-day period with Taylor same with Treacherous.

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoWL8Bd3eS0

Source: http://www.emusician.com/artists/1333/dan-wilson/45268

Taylor's co-writer Wilson also admits that the song was written sometime in Spring of 2012, so basically from there... That doesn't disallow it being about Harry. But how can it simply be about Harry given that the fact that Taylor called off her flirting with Harry in late April 2012 -- which was a mere one month after she was first originally flirting with him. That would make it incredibly strange and unpredictable for Taylor to immediately rush to write a song about longing for him and falling in-love with him. Keep in-mind Taylor's Vanity Fair interview article is further proof she called her flirting off with Styles during that era of time (temporarily.)

Most people will still not think that's convincing enough to believe it's not about Harry. So, if you still don't believe it, well.. It is true, Harry DID had to leave for work-related reasons (like Taylor talks about in her song meaning) But, the thing is, Harry and Taylor met at the end of KCA's (March 31st, 2012). When Harry left for work, he never went to New York City, or London which the song recalls...

Harry actually was in the middle of a tour in Australia, and as soon as the KCA's were done, Harry flew back to Australia with his bandmates.

Don't believe me?

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Up_All_Night_Tour

Scroll down to One Direction's concert schedule. You will see Harry and the rest of One Direction were in the middle of a tour. Hundreds of YouTube videos were posted in early April of 2012, of Harry and his bandmates doing interviews in Australia.

Keep in mind, during the night of the KCA's ... Harry kissed another girl shortly after meeting Taylor. So, that is further proof that it isn't about Harry, because he never went to NYC and London, and because he was all over the place in terms of girls (at the time.) And, was in the middle of a tour in Australia and went back to Australia straight away after KCA's.

Now, ok.. You may assume (like most people.) The song has to be about Gyllenhaal then... The funny thing is, it isn't about Gyllenhaal either, which is the plot twist. Let's start off with Taylor and Jake's timeline as a source:

https://kaylorcastle.tumblr.com/post/156876596961/swifthaalgyllenswift-timeline-2010

Jake started dating Taylor in October.. Like officially dating.. It wasn't just dates, they were literally dating. Keep in mind Taylor's and Jake's relationship started in NYC. It also ended in NYC. They never went anywhere else, besides Nashville and LA (in the early start of the relationship.)

In November, Jake left to promote his movie Love and Other Drugs... Leaving Taylor Swift in NYC. On the 16th of November he's arrived the movie premiere alone.

Source: https://68.media.tumblr.com/d3bd41c317b1a2fd8566c6a6c7248836/tumblr_inline_okx1zebwKs1up6r6z_500.jpg

Now, this is where people actually mistake the song for being about Gyllenhaal, because he left Taylor... But, again, just like Harry, the song doesn't follow the timeline of Jake, either.

The funny part is, Jake and Taylor were not away from each other long at all. Jake as soon as he got to London arranged for a jet to pick-up Taylor right away as he couldn't wait.

Source: https://68.media.tumblr.com/d3bd41c317b1a2fd8566c6a6c7248836/tumblr_inline_okx1zebwKs1up6r6z_500.jpg

So basically... Taylor and Jake were not even apart. Ironically, Jake didn't even have to do that because Taylor was already heading to London in a week to show up to an event.

November 24th Jake's movie is then released... November 27th, 2010 Taylor and Jake are back in Nashville on a date, they continue to go on dates.

So, that being said. The song isn't about Jake. The proof is his timeline.

Also, the lyrics do not match up with Jake either, not to mention, Come, Back Be Here is about Taylor not in a relationship (like you said months ago on your blog.) Because, basically it's about meeting someone, but as soon as you got feelings for the person, they're gone. So, a relationship cannot blossom, and because of that, you're stuck wondering how would a relationship work anyways when you are far from each other? It can't. So, you deal with the feelings of long-distance, which is torture, and missing someone you won't be seeing, because you now have feelings you originally did not know, so you have to deal with them.. The hardest part is dealing with them is not being able to see that person when you're in love.

So, the question is, why would Taylor write a song "longing" for Jake, and "just falling" for him, when, her and Jake were an offical couple? And only spent less than a week from each other? They didn't even spend time away, because Jake flew her out.. Lol. Not to mention they went back on dates, again. Why would Taylor play nonchalant towards Jake... When he was her BF?

Not to mention, why would Taylor write a song about Jake (Come Back, Be Here was the newest song on the album, and Treacherous.) Few months Before RED was released... When she officially was over Jake... Cause we got WANEGBT.

Still don't believe me that the song isn't about Jake?

Ok, well, the song in the lyrics state the guy kissed Taylor from wherever he and Taylor was, then he left to NYC for work-related reasons... Jake lives in NYC, he never "left" anywhere to go to NYC for work-related reasons, he only left to London for work-related reasons then was back with Taylor right away. Also, there is no literal possible flight that flies you in NYC when you're already in NYC.

Jake left Taylor in NYC when he left for London. The song talks about.. This guy going to NYC -> London and when he finally arrives in London, Taylor finally is now in NYC and he still isn't with her.

More confirmation proof the song isn't about Jake.... :)

Now on who it's about? This one is gonna shock you, simply because nobody noticed it and it slipped under everyone's eyes... (Because no one looked into it.)

The song is actually about Zac Efron. (Gasp, I know!)

Proof? Taylor and Zac were flirting from the end of late 2011. To early 2012. In early 2012, Taylor wasn't interested in Zac (despite re-tweeting she wishes she was dating him.) It was actually until the end of February when she started liking Zac. Zac in multiple interviews says he really likes Taylor and Danny Devito exposed him (there are sources for that too.) He even says if he could have anything from the Lorax and take it to his house, he wants Audrey, lol, aka. Taylor.

Here is Taylor playing nonchalant about Zac (like the song recalls):

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeHFU8yILUM&t=119s

Starts at 1:58 y'all.

Source 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwJv7yyW3K0 (plays nonchalant again.)

Nonchalant means, to not care, be cool, eh, not giving a shit, oh well, be coolly unconcerned. Basically to be uncaring, not enthusiastic, or angry, or even annoyed by things going on. You're calm and don't care. That was Taylor playing nonchalant in the interview (2 of them, same reactions, which were nonchalant.) 

Near the end of Feb she started crushing on him and flirting back. That's why Ellen pushes them so much because they both were flirting and Ellen could easily see (she's always right.) Taylor kept blushing over Zac, and even almost accidentally said he was cute until she caught her word. She also blushed over his body and Zac raised his eyebrows.

The day before Ellen they were flirting on the carpet, Taylor was eyeing him from the corner of her eyes (there is a source for that too and proof.) While smiling. Zac was checking her out and paused his interview to stare at her. Zac kissed Taylor on the neck. (Taylor's LAST kiss.) Which the song mentions.

In another interview (end of Feb.) They were hand holding and Taylor was doing more flirting.. Even laying on him too.

Zac then had to leave suddenly and leave Taylor behind to go promote their film with Danny Devito.

Zac is the ONLY one to follow Come Back, Be Here's LYRICS and timeline and was the ONLY one who was in NYC/London during the time the song was written.

Zac arrives in NYC on March 1st:

Source: http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/fp/Zac+Efron+Zac+Efron+Leaving+Hotel+New+York+0uF8WmM9akPl.jpg?theme=inline

Those photos were also posted at 4 AM btw and he was on his phone.

Zac on March 7th arrives in London: 

Source: http://cdn03.cdn.justjaredjr.com/wp-content/uploads/headlines/2012/03/zac-efron-lorax-london.jpg

Out of Harry, and Jake. Zac was the last one to kiss Taylor (Harry actually never kissed her when he met her.) And there is proof of Taylor playing nonchalant about Zac in those two interviews. Zac was also the only one who left from the location he was in (with Taylor.) To go to NYC for work-related reasons then had ended up in London. As soon as Zac was in London, Taylor was in NYC.

Zac, also actually spills the tea as, his quote actually links up to Taylor's song meaning:

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0Tqqfy8DMk

Zac (asked about working with Swift): "It was great. Amazing. Taylor is the best, she's such a sweet heart, and I'm just... (catches his word) Uh.... Hopefully she's back soon, I know she's been working REALLY hard travelling and touring and doing all kinds of stuff...But, I need another guitar lesson, quick! I'm starting to lose it." (April 18th, 2012).

Taylor's quote: "I wrote about falling for someone and then they have to go away for work. They're traveling, you're traveling, and you're thinking about them, but you're wondering how it's gonna work when there's so much distance between you." 

Second quote: It's a song that I wrote about a guy that I met.. You know, you meet someone, and then they just kinda happen to go away and it's like... long distance all of the sudden and you're like... But but.. but [whispering] but.. Come BACK! Be HERE!" - Taylor Swift

Match that up to what Zac said from the interview. Him and Taylor were both travelling and working the same time, Zac was the one who left first.. Then Taylor was back to travelling and working, and because they were both apart, and working, they would've never been able to work a relationship because they were both working and "worlds away."

(It's long distance all the sudden) which she means by that is.. Because her and Zac were together for awhile then instantly had to go away in the middle of no where for work.

Lastly Taylor refers to Zac as someone she has met before.

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zae8uOf8gqE

She then mentions how they never saw each other during the filming processing, despite having met each other, and why they are hanging out (because they are strangers.)

In multiple interviews in 2015, and 2014.. And even 2012.. Taylor refers Zac by his full name, Zac also refers Taylor to her full name only. Why? Because they're strangers :)

Taylor only refers her friends by first name, same with Zac, in multiple interviews when talking about friends, he'll be like; "Adam...Is a ____" (Adam Devine) Taylor.. When talking about her friends.. "Cara.. Is..."

Taylor and Zac were strangers, despite having met. They never actually knew each other well.

Finally Zac has a song called Right Here, Right Now while Taylor's is Come Back, Be Here

Which is kind of like what she did with Harry. "Take Me Home" (STYLE lyrics) while his album name was TAKE ME HOME.

:) Hope that helps, I hope you have a good day.

[stevesnailbat]

i just </3

#god pls ignore this <3 i just need to get it out #i’m so fucking tired of everything i just. want everything to stop #i am tired of thinking about what happened and blaming it on myself and telling myself it was my fault #i was having a rly okay time for like 2 and a half days and now everything is getting bad <3 #it’s just like. feb is when it stared march is when shit went down and april is when i was grounded for it <3 #i just feel like it’s going to keep getting worse and i want to give up. but it’s ok #can’t stop thinking about what is so wrong with me that everyone thought what happened was ok. #why am i the only one who has to deal with this and why does nobody irl care. #anyways. probably going to disappear bc i can’t function and don’t want anyone to deal with this #i am fine i just. need a break from everything #jen talks too much

[sick-kun]

Sick-kun Chronicles: ch.5

I didn’t want to write this today, but fuck it. I reread all the other chapters for the first time in a long time and it inspired me to fix 5. It’s been so long since I’ve written in that style, so I felt my first drafts of 5 and 6 felt forced. 5 doesn’t feel forced anymore. So here ya go 

Chapter 5 aka  MORE TIME SKIPS >Alright, so its been a year and change since the events of chapter 4.5 (currently writing this on Feb 12th, 2018) so im gonna just give you guys the important shit for Ch.5 and admit im a liar and give you a ch.6 just so it makes more sense >March, 2017 >Things have been getting more Rocky Balboa between D and S >I rarely see D since she recently got a good job working for a cruise company as a sales woman. I'm focusing on finishing up school, since I was close to getting my bachelors and now working internships and time consuming porjects. >at most, have seen her 3 times since 4.5, but everytime we're still all playfull and flirty between each other >feels bad/good man >One Thursday night, im sitting sitting in my room playing HOTS because im a huge faggot and I love bad games >For the sake of immersion, my rooms changed a bit. I still have my big ol bed, but got rid of the headboard so its pretty much just a matress on wheels, for the sake of making space. Plus I have a desk for my computer and 2 monitors. Nightstand still there, so is the dresser. >Lets continue >I'm running through ranked, but stuck in Silver Hell because I love bad games UNTIL >Random call from D. Random because at this point, she only calls me in case of emergencies. >"Hey anon, whats up?" >I can hear from the background noise that she's either at an event or a restaurant, so its got me curious to what she's calling me for. >My clackity clacks (Fuck I love mechanical keyboards) stop so I can find out >"Hey D, im just STUDYING at home. whatre you up to?" >she doesn't need to know about my bad gaming habits >"I'm at a bar with my coworkers, I've been talking about a smart friend all night and they want to meet you. And I miss you anon, so come?" >its been a while Snake, huh? >Im a little conflicted >Brain: "...you're so close to gold, play ranked instead faggot" >Solid Snake:"GO GET PUSSY FAGGOT" >They both have valid arguments >"Yeah D, one second, I'll head over now" >Never makes it to gold >Get to the place where the bar is and D meets me outside. about a 40 minute drive from my house and I hate going to areas where I'm unfamiliar of where I'm at. >She immediately comes up to me and pulls me to her like a Thresh hook once I find her >(fuck you, I like mobas) >Its been a while since ive seen her, so her same scent and warmth all came back to me. >lust guage appears on screen >Bar is packed, sportball is going on >We hug and she leads me by the hand to meet her coworkers, her smiling the whole time >5% >We get to the table and I get to meet her 3 coworkers. 2 chicks on one side of the table, both fat and unnatractive, and one dude on the other side who looks like he’s in his mid twenties, but I immediately start getting beta vibes from him >I'm an alpha now, I can sense those >Spoiler: he's a beta. Not a threat, he has a longtime gf >3% >I let alpha anon take over when i introduce myself: firm handshakes to beta worker, kisses on the cheeks to ladies. I entertain them with funny banter and conversation >Holy fuck I was bored. The only reason I was even trying was to make D happy, but she was, so I didn't mind too much >Join them for a round of shots, have a beer, and just shoot the shit with them >UNTIL >"Hey anon, ill be right back, let me go get S" >S WAS COMING?? >Brain:"WHAT?" >Solid snake:" fuck nigga" >ugh, not a surprise, but just unexpected. I dont want to deal with her >So S gets there with a friend(1/10. No personality. Most likely reading this story) and as S sits down she gives me that petty white girl hand wave. I could tell she was thinking "Hi bitch" when she did it >I smile back and said "Hi" >I had all the capacity to flip the table on her >I didn't flip the table on her. > I regret it >S and her papermate friend join in on the convo with us at the table, and funny enough, D and S are not getting along >Coworkers dont really know whats going on, papermate has been sitting in her seat wordless, and S and D are throwing Russia v. USA level passive aggression towards each other >I'll best you today, thot >S glares at me every few seconds >Casually make eye contact and don't break until she looks away to argue with D >Not today >decide to diffuse this three-way loathing by asking D where the bathroom is. Atleast to give a break from this uncomfortable tension >D ends up walking me towards it to also take a breather. Obviously, she's stressed. >I take a quick piss and wait for D outside the bathrooms >Important to note: D at this point was drunk. She was already tipsy when I got there, but she wasn't "Let me down this bottle of vodka" drunk, but more like "Anon could've been ranked gold right now but i made him come here to watch me argue with my gf, so let me drink that away" drunk >As im waiting, I hear something from the women's bathroom going on >D and S come out of the bathroom arguing, and D pushes the shit out of S >DID S FUCKING FOLLOW US TO THE BATHROOM? >TO JUST START A FIGHT WITH D IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM?!? >Yes >I come between them and seperate the cat fight before it happens. Papermate continues to do a great job as a useless background character as this happens. >D is telling S to just leave her alone and I don't bother getting involed in what the fight was about, it just wasn't the place or time >Thank God the bar was full of people watching sportball, so no one really noticed what was going on >situation relatively diffused >I walk outside with D. Her coworkers were outside to get away from the noise inside, plus the 2 coworker chicks were leaving >Im outside with D, and S is inside with papermate, who im now starting to like to write about >We stay talking with beta coworker outside, who for the morst part is a pretty nice guy, but I still get the vibe that he wants D. D wants friends so I'm not surprised she doesn't notice his offhand vibes. >Beta Coworker:"Hey D, you wanna come over by my place and smoke?" >D:"sure, but only if anon can come" >50% >I go, knowing im not gonna smoke since i wasnt in the mood, but just to be around D since she's stressed and I don't trust Beta coworker >I drive D and head towards beta's house. The entire idea made me unhappy since this nigga lives by my neighborhood >Which means I just drove 40 minutes to a bar, to then drive back around my area, and then drive back to that bar to drop off D at her car, TO THEN DRIVE BACK FUCKING HOME >oh yeah, S left with papermate. I like Papermate >D and I head over to beta's house and gossip like girls and talk shit about S >More so me talking shit about S >We stop by a nearby gas station to get some Dutches(the best bluntwraps) for the weed-ing >We step out of my car and D immediately starts holding my hand and grabbing onto my arm. The whole "interlaced fingers and head against my shoulder" and all >HNNNNNG.jpg >We get inside just like....it was a really warm feeling. We walk up to the clerk, still hands laced, and I ask for the Dutches. >Clerk smiles through the whole transaction >Clerk:"you two are a lovely couple" >HNNNNNG.mov >Me: "Thank you" >69% >We walk out of the station and get back in my car, where D grabs my hand again >I look at her and give her hand a squeeze, just trying to comfort her. I know where the position I am in her life is...and its so confusing. I could just stare into her eyes and be happy that I actually made her night a little better, because imagine if I didn't go. She would be stuck with beta, would've gotten into a fight with S that could've ended worse, and....yeah lets stop >I know its random, but looking back, I don't hate V. I was jealous of her back in highschool because she was with the person I wanted to be with...but now is different >I have genuine disgust for S >and yet >its funny, you ever think one of your favorite memories is just holding hands with someone in a gas station, getting complimented by the clerk saying that you two look like lovebirds? >it was like a glimpse into the future? or maybe, just a moment I wish I could've froze in time >oh yeah, D and I are still making eye contact. I was lost in thought then(like now)....but her eyes are OP and always bring me back to consciousness >Please nerf her in the next patch >My hands move almost by instinct and brush her hair out of her face, then run along her jawline >75% >My brain:"Kiss her" >Solid Snake:"Kiss her" >I kiss her >I lean in and my lips meet hers. Time can go by between her and I, but damn, it still felt as good as the first time I kissed her >Her lips were tender and soft.  I've missed this feeling and I could't help but want her moar >What started out as lips touching quickly turned into tongues being reacquanted...She knew my every sensitive spot, and you're darn skippy I knew hers >Things got hotter. I went for her lips for a light bite, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to hear her breathing heavier >Her thighs shuffle and point towards me, the sound of the leather seats in my car giving it away >Is it just me or is making out in the front seats always kinda awkward? >She started to suck on my tongue, teasing me every second by moving it deeper into her mouth. I pulled back every so often, just to hear her let out little moans of satisfaction when I licked her lips >I reached for her hips and pulled her a bit closer to me, her left leg now nearly completely over the shift(awkward positioning, told ya). My fingers moved now to her thighs, and even through jeans, I could feel how soft they were >Her breathing got heavier and her moaning was more constant, just more fuel for me to run my hand closer between her thighs >My penis is adamantium >95% > D's hand makes it way towards my lap >96% >Seems her hand was looking for something it wanted....can't guess what >and im so tired of this story trope, but I'd be a liar if I said it didnt happen.... >HER PHONE GOES FUCKING OFF >I SHOUL'VE THROWN THAT COCKBLOCKING CUNT OUT THE WINDOW YEARS AGO >mfw I realize this story is about me vs a cellphone >but honestly, I was out of it at this point mentally, not by the phone call, but by what I felt. My boner was at the point of going even further beyond an ascended super saiyan, but fuck, I never thought a phone call would be the reason I wanted to commit a murder >Yeah, its fucking S >I try not to listen, but I catch bits and pieces and figure it out from D's replies >"Ummm Anon....I want to go home soon. like really soon" >"What happened? whats wrong?" >I knew, but I asked, just to see if it would help with the situation >"...S is worried about me now over the fight...I need to go talk to her. Let's still stop by beta's house to smoke...I just want to calm down before I speak to her" >10% >That distressed voice that I've been so accustomed to hearing >It still fucking breaks me >"umm yeah but D, what about your car?" >"Ill go get it tomorrow in the morning..." >0% >Lust guage dissapears off the screen >i guess this is where the older me takes over. I wish I could tell you every detail of how pissed I was, but I just felt the younger me took control and let waves of calmness wash over me . >I didn't want to yell at her for going back to some fucking idiot who has no respect for their significant other. >I didn't want to stress a situation not involving me directly with my own feelings >I didn't want to be selfish at that moment, I just wanted to help her through it >"well if you want to go...then yeah...lets go" End Ch.5