#it’s hard to overcome your own personal demons and address your traumas

[producer-miss-chips]

Analyzing Helios’s Words- About Kiro and Helios’s Origin Story

Please be warned that this theory includes spoilers from a few of Kiro's dates and from the general story!

So after finishing Chapter 21, I decided to try and share this theory that started when I heard Helios's words.

The writing here made it clear that Helios is speaking from personal experience. His words are a mix of earnestness, harshness and worry.

And since Helios is actually Kiro (somewhat xD), we can infer from that a bit more about Kiro's past.

Discerning Kiro's Past

From bits of information we learn throughout the dates and stories, it's clear Kiro grew up alone. He hints to that a few times: whether the fact that he doesn't know his own birthday, (as seen on his "Birthday Date"), the fact that he always had to spend holidays and birthdays alone (as seen in "New Spring Date" and "Confession Date"), or his story of wishing to "not always be alone" (in his "Old Friend Date").

In his "Confession Date", Kiro pretty much says this fact outright:

(Screenshot from Lucien's Wife's Youtube channel.)

In this screenshot, I want to point out one more thing: the start of his sentence.

"My memory may be a little hazy..."

Psychology has proven that when someone experiences something very traumatic, their body may try and forget what happened and when. So the fact that Kiro experiences memory problems about his childhood, may mean that he went through some pretty harsh stuff as a kid. These experiences were so scarring, his body decided that it was better to forget them than remember.

I mean, just the fact that he had to spend his whole childhood alone is really harsh. He literally had no one to turn to. You can really see that in his story in "Old Friend Date".

We know Kiro had a mentor who was really important to him. Kiro may not talk about him a lot, but from the little we've seen, it's not hard to see how much he influenced Kiro's life. Heck, he even named Kiro.

It almost seems like this guy was Kiro's father, in some way. Or the closest thing to a father figure that Kiro had.

But then he disappeared, and Kiro was left all alone. For years Kiro never really had someone he truly trusted. YEARS. Only when MC entered his life again, did he finally have someone he could lean on.

It's impossible to go through such a harsh experience without being affected. You have to develop some way to cope with it, and Kiro found his way: happiness, love and music.

But that doesn't mean the darker part doesn't exist.

And that's where Helios comes in.

Kiro vs. Helios

As said before, it's impossible to go through something traumatic without getting scarred. And, if you miraculously manage to survive what you went through, you learn to develop a thick hide.

Both Kiro and Helios show signs of this: Kiro in a more subtle way (he never complains, for instance), while Helios... is outright about it (does he even try to hide his harsh behavior?).

Everyone has a dark side: even angels like Kiro. Helios is this side, a person that stemmed from everything Kiro experienced. He's the side Kiro hides, and he shows us our blonde angel has a lot more depth than it may seem on the surface.

After everything Kiro experienced, he had a choice: do the hard thing and be kind to everyone, in order to fix what he went through; or close off and just stay away from any person who could be a threat. Kiro chose to go the kind way, spreading love and laughter to everyone. That doesn't mean that he couldn't have chosen the latter. It doesn't mean that he doesn't feel Helios inside him. If that was the case, how could Kiro even become Helios?

(As mentioned in this theory, the Helios in chapters 20-21 may actually be who Kiro would have become if he didn't choose this path.)

And then, we have the rest of Helios's words.

For convenience purposes, I'm dividing this into parts:

Use your strength, every method you can think of.

As pointed out before, both Helios and Kiro have strengths. Kiro's strength, being kind against all odds, may be less appreciated, but that doesn't make him any less impressive. And that doesn't make Helios's cold facade bad, either. It just means that they have different advantages:

Kiro has the strength to overcome his demons and give to others against all odds.

Helios has the strength to make sure others don't mess with him.

So when Kiro's strengths don't work out, he reverts to Helios and vice-versa. That's how, at the end of the day, Kiro uses all his strength. He knows one way is never the complete answer, so he has no problem trying the other way too.

The difference in these situations is which side is more dominant: the light one, or the dark one; Kiro, or Helios.

For example, the story shows us how Kiro is tangled up in Black Swan, even after he chose the path of kindness. From the endings of some of the earlier chapters, we can see quite enough proof: how Kiro wrote Helios's name in something relating to Black Swan, how Helios shows up amongst the organization, and many more.

I mean, in Chapter 17 Kiro says he fights Black Swan for MC. He had to have some way, some connection to them for him to do that, right?

These facts further prove my point: Kiro was never completely perfect. He always had a Helios side to him, MC just never got to see it. And, maybe, we can say the same about Helios: he was never completely bad. Otherwise, how would the Kiro moment have happened in Chapter 17?

My conclusion from this part, and this sentence of Helios, is that over here we can see how Kiro navigates the world. He uses the strengths of both his identities, and by that is flexible enough to use any method he can think of (Kiro method vs. Helios method) to do it.

That way, he learned not to be weak.

Abandon your past... even abandon yourself.

Kiro never really talks about his past. He prefers living in the moment, spending the best time he can with MC. And when he does mention a tidbit about his experiences, it's in one of two situations:

A casual mention or something he could laugh off.

When he's at his most vulnerable with MC.

Examples for the first part can be when he first mentions he doesn't know his birthday in the "Birthday Date". The way he said it sounded a lot like a happy coincidence. "Hey, since I don't really know my own birthday, let's celebrate our birthdays together!"

As you can see, this harsh fact is hidden very well in his words. He could've said it in a self-pitying way, but he chose not to. It almost seems like he's afraid of being 100% vulnerable with MC.

We'll get to that later, but first let me point out an example for one of Kiro's vulnerable.

In Kiro's "Old Friend Date", he tells MC a lot about how lonely he felt when he was 16. It's a heartbreaking story: he was just a kid, making his second album, but still felt lost. Because he had no one to guide him. So one day, he went to the shrine and wished to not always be alone.

Pay attention to the wording: Kiro didn't ask not to be alone, he asked not to always be alone. This word may not seem like much, but it shows a lot.

In his position, no one would blame Kiro if he would have wished not to be alone. But the angel was so desperate, he asked to not always be alone. That's the equivalent of saying "I know this may be an inconvenience to you, so I'll make it easier on you. I'm not asking to have someone constantly by my side, but I need someone to spend at least a bit of time with. Please."

The reason I'm emphasizing how harsh his reality was, is to raise awareness to this part, and how much Kiro downplays the whole story:

The moment Kiro sees the gravity of his story sink in, he laughs it off. Notice the amount of reasons he gave as to why MC shouldn't worry.

I was purposely exaggerating to make it interesting.

I was a teenager. I didn't know what I was doing. Now I'm much more mature! It was just something stupid that would never bother me today.

He was so desperate for MC not to take him at his word, that he gave two reasons as to why she shouldn't make a big deal out of it. Once again, Kiro does this, even if he was vulnerable at the start.

And even in other moments, where he's completely vulnerable with MC, he changes the topic really quickly. The moment the information sinks in, he's already changed the topic, laughing as if nothing ever happened.

So, in both situations mentioned above, we see how Kiro is never fully vulnerable. This means two things:

Kiro has trust issues because of his experiences.

He prefers running away from his past.

We already touched conclusion 1 before (somewhat), so for this we'll address only conclusion number two. It's an important point we'll come back to later.

Helios is a completely different story.

In the short amount of time MC spent with Helios, we learned almost as much as we did in all the time with Kiro. Just see how much Helios hinted to in these few sentences.

So saying that he's running from his past would be a lie. On the contrary: I think Helios is so connected to his past, he won't let anyone in. He just can't ignore the warnings his traumas whisper in his ear.

But there's one thing Helios does run away from, and that's himself.

One of the first recurring things Helios tells MC is "I'm NOT Kiro". In Chapter 17, every time MC mentions that possibility he denies it: over, and over, and over again. And at the end of MC's time with Kiro (in that chapter), when Kiro turns bavk to Helios, it describes how the tenderness in Kiro's eyes is replaced with cold apathy.

If Helios completely forgets what he, as Kiro, felt toward MC, I think it's safe to say that he's turning his back on himself.

So while we could say that Kiro is abandoning his past, Helios abandons himself.

And now, for the last sentence:

Helios is right. If MC can't survive in this cruel world, the harsh place he endured, then she has no place to be there. Because he grew up in a dog-eats-dog world, where every day was a fight.

And that is why Kiro chose to sacrifice himself for her, as stated in Chapter 17. He knew that harsh world didn't suit MC. He wanted her to stay safe and live in her bubble of happiness, give her a bit of peace and quiet, while HE faced the cruelty MC was fighting.

While Kiro did transform to Helios a few times before Chapter 14, it seems like it was for short bursts. But now, his transformation is for much longer: and it's all for MC.

But he can't protect MC forever, and it seems like Helios has started to realize that.

Thank you for reading this theory/analysis! I hope you liked it, and I'd love to hear what you think! ❤

#mlqc #mr love: queen's choice #mr love queen's choice #mlqc kiro #mlqc theories #mlqc analysis #mlqc helios #mlqc spoilers #mr love spoilers #mr love kiro #mr love helios #mr love #kiro x mc #kiro x producer #chapter 21

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

How likely do you think that a happy ending will be? Do you have any predictions for what the ending might look like? Any opinions/wishes? Really I'd just like to hear any thoughts on how ST will end. Love your posts btw! :)

Hello, thanks for the Ask.

I greatly prefer happy endings in general. I think there’s too many grim shows out there now. While that may reflect the cynicism of our current society, I think media also has a place as a source of hope. There’s a lot of potential for Stranger Things to be a show about a triumph over trauma. It’s a hard road, one that may seem impossible to traverse, but not impossible, and I think that’s something we need to see right now.

Stranger Things is a show full of trauma, particularly where Will and El are concerned. We’re talking about children whose short lives have been riddled with fear, pain, and stress. There are children who really go through similar, though much more mundane, things, and it can often seem like there’s no way to overcome it. In my opinion, it would send a very bleak message if Will and El, at the very least, didn’t get a happy ending.

As for what a happy ending would look like in Stranger Things, well, that’s a bit more open-ended. I won’t try to get too specific with what would need to happen, since I trust the writers to come up with ideas that I can’t. To put it more broadly, though, I’d like to see the characters overcome, or at least make progress with, their individual flaws. I won’t list them all here, as I’ve mentioned them before, but some standouts are Hopper’s fear of loss/avoidance of attachment and Mike’s insecurity. 

And, yes, I’d like to see Mike and Will be honest with themselves and each other about their feelings. This is something the show has seemed to be building towards, and a lack of follow-through would be a big downer. I personally think it fits in with my above thoughts, as I think their issues with their sexualities are a part of their personal demons. They are dealing with those issues in different ways due to their own histories and personalities, but I don’t think either can be truly happy until it’s addressed.

#stranger things #stranger things 5

[carewyncromwell]

Okay, so I’m not at year 6 yet, but I’ve been keeping up with recent developments, and I want to propose a fan theory about the newest addition to the HPHM cast, Miss Alanza Alves.

So far it seems like the HPHM fandom is a little split on her. On the one hand, most people seem to like her cheerful, extroverted personality (heck, even Mrs. Norris likes her) -- on the other, there has been some suspicion thrown her way due to

Alanza so immediately involving herself with the Circle of Khanna, even before properly building up her relationships with the group’s other members first, which is exacerbated by 

Alanza not knowing Rakepick at all and therefore having no real emotional stake in her being brought to justice, despite Rakepick having been at Alanza’s school only three years previously

I’ve seen players discuss the fact that Alanza should have known Rakepick, and that not being addressed could signal either that the writers are flagrantly ignoring what they established earlier or that Alanza is lying. But what if Alanza not remembering Rakepick is actually a conscious choice?

Here’s my fan theory -- Alanza’s memory of Rakepick has been erased.

In this scenario, Alanza was taken under Rakepick’s wing in rather the same way Bill, Merula, and MC were. She might have eagerly jumped at the thought to help someone as exciting and adventurous as Rakepick, and we’ve seen that she’s compassionate and daring enough as a character to overlook Rakepick’s flaws, like her arrogance and distrustful attitude.

Then, just like in the Portrait Vault, Rakepick turns on Alanza. She leaves Castelobruxo with plans to return to Britain and, more specifically, to Hogwarts.

Like Merula and Ben, Alanza takes the betrayal very hard. She loses her optimism and lust for life, pulling away from her classmates and friends. She withdraws. She shuts down.

From here, the story could split into one of two paths, depending on how Rakepick’s story is resolved.

If Rakepick is really the bad guy she’s been revealed to be, then someone in Alanza’s life feels compelled to intervene and decides to wipe Alanza’s memory of Rakepick completely, in the hopes that the removal of those memories will bring her back to the state she was in before Rakepick arrived. Depending on how one wants to characterize Alanza, she either may have agreed to the plan in an attempt to just go back to when things were simpler, or she might have had it happen against her will and therefore been robbed of the chance to heal from her trauma properly. 

If Rakepick is in truth the good guy all along, Alanza actually tries to catch up with Rakepick before she can leave Brazil so she can confront her. Feeling guilt about having led such a sweet girl so astray, Rakepick in a misguided attempt to save Alanza uses a Memory Charm to erase all memory of her from Alanza’s mind, in the hopes that Alanza not only will be happier but also will not pursue her.

In either case, Alanza’s memory is modified, and sure enough, she’s just like she was before Rakepick arrived: outgoing, openhearted, and happy. And yet, even with the memory wipe, a strange shred of memory remains, dissolving away into something almost like instinct.

Hogwarts. There’s just something about Hogwarts...something that makes Alanza want to go there...

And so as the rest of year 6 and year 7 unfolds, Alanza will be forced to regather those memories that were lost to her, because no memory wipe or modification could ever be completely perfect. Soon enough she’ll find she had her own reason to want to find Rakepick, to try to sort out what she’s been forced to forget, and -- in time -- to confront what she forgot in the first place. And whether she chose to lose her memory or not, her rediscovery of the pain she went through could really help develop a lot of other characters through her relationships to them. Like Ben, Merula, and MC, Alanza was dramatically changed by her experiences with Rakepick -- but through Alanza’s example, both the characters and the audience can see how important it is not to just run away from the traumas we go through or try to revert ourselves or others back to how we were, but instead to move forward from them so that we become better people and learn how to live and be happy again. Penny could see her own reaction to Beatrice’s trauma reflected in Alanza’s situation -- Beatrice could find some commonality with Alanza -- if Rakepick was the one to erase Alanza’s memory, then Ben, Merula and MC might be forced to reassess Rakepick’s character, or contrariwise, they might find strength in how Alanza decides to overcome what’s happened to her after rediscovering what Rakepick did to her. It would develop Alanza as a character who isn’t just a naive ray of sunshine in all this doom and gloom, but also one that’s able to remain a ray of sunshine even after having to confront her own inner demons. And to top it all off, it would give us, the players, an even clearer picture of who Rakepick is.

So that’s it! Feel free to reblog/comment with your thoughts, or just leave a like if you enjoyed this! xoxo

#ooc #alanza alves #hphm #hphm spoilers #hogwarts mystery #hogwarts mystery spoilers #spoilers #fan theory #opinion #patricia rakepick #ben copper #merula snyde #jacob's sibling #penny haywood #beatrice haywood

[s-o-n-de-r]

Motion City Soundtrack’s legacy of grappling with mental health

In the current wave of band reunions, maybe the best offered is Minneapolis’ Motion City Soundtrack. 

Among the vast number of 2000s bands coming back into the limelight, some seem to be doing it for glory, some for fame or money, some just because of demand, but Motion City Soundtrack’s reunion just feels right, like a good gut feeling. 

This is ironic given the sweeping sense of neurotic over-thinking that much of Motion City Soundtrack’s music deals with. The band’s heralded breakthrough piece, 2005′s Commit This To Memory, is seasoned with all sorts of manic-depressive idiosyncrasies - even worse that singer/guitarist Justin Pierre generally doesn’t describe healthy ways of coping with it. Neuroticism starts from the first lines of the album (“Attractive Today” is destructively self-critical) and is relentless to the end, including one of the band’s hits, “Everything Is Alright,” which has Pierre tackling obsessive-compulsive tendencies and cataloging all the things in his life that require extreme existential energy to deal with. 

There’s also “L.G. FUAD” (Let’s Get Fucked Up And Die), a generational anthem akin to Blink 182’s “Adam’s Song” or All Time Low’s “Remembering Sunday,” but badly underrated. It’s a siren song for over thinkers, people stuck in their heads, and writers and creatives who feel compelled to observe and record the world but can’t actually let themselves live in it. It nails the neuroticism and self-destruction that comes with never being able to escape this condition. It echoes the sentiments of being constantly drawn inward but being jealous of those who don’t experience that; it’s bitter and self-aggrandizing and raw. It embraces destructive reliance on alcohol amidst manic highs and depressive lows, and by the end of the song, all you even get is a sad half-resolution (“I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end / But I choose to abuse for the time being / Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.”)

Despite that, it feels comforting - Pierre lays out the struggle boldly and intimately. It’s not pleading, and it’s not “oooh look at me, I’m so deep and sad;” it gives a good opportunity for those with their own issues to not feel alone. Sometimes, this is all that matters: to know that there are people in this world who are in the same boat as you are, and maybe more than anything else, this is Motion City Soundtrack’s contribution to the music scene.

Commit This To Memory was one of the genre-defining moments of the mid-2000s, sitting with Taking Back Sunday’s Louder Now or All Time Low’s So Wrong, It’s Right. The band embodies the punk realites of being a outcast and fucked up, but with the neon vibrancy of mid-aughts MTV-era pop punk. One of their calling cards is the standout use of moog synth, a touch that could easily turn into shtick in the era. Even for the band, it can feel gimmicky at first glance, because it hits the ears in a sort of juvenile way, but the depth of the message overpowers this. And, fortunately for them, what separates Motion City Soundtrack from the trends of the era is the sense of resolve through all the neuroticism and casual substance use; it feels more reparative instead of angsty white boys flailing violently and causing collateral damage in the midst of “rock star” life. Pierre is suffering, but he desperately wants to find the strength and will to recover. He writes with pain, but it’s mostly his own pain - you generally don’t hear him lamenting about treating an ex poorly and begging for a second chance, or other such “neurotypical” entrappings of contemporary male music. This seems to be motivated by a sense of self awareness, which is ironically quite likely a driving force behind all the mental anguish of the music.

At the height of Motion City Soundtrack’s popular explosion, with the Vans Warped Tour still dominating summer and a seemingly inexhaustible supply of bands riding the coattails of pop punk’s invasion into mainstream radio, it was easy to be attracted to the band’s chaotic energy. After all, they have punk roots - musically, they’re frantic and fast, unpredictable and unhinged and loud and anthemic. They released Commit This To Memory’s follow up, Even If It Kills Me, then went major label (Columbia) for 2010’s My Dinosaur Life. The latter album saw Pierre being sardonic, but there were moments of hopeful change (“Her Words Destroyed My Planet”). By this point, Pierre had embraced sobriety for a few years (much of Commit This To Memory was written under the haze of alcohol) and was starting to make sense of the chaos in his head.

Eventually, though, there had to come an end. After My Dinosaur Life, there was Go (2013) and then Panic Stations in 2015, with the band calling it quits the next year. On Panic Stations, it feels like Pierre has made positive inroads into all of the noise in his head - you can tell he’s still struggling, but it feels like he exerts some control over the neurotic parts of his personality and has come to terms with how to live with them and his place in the world. He had also became a father by this point in the band’s career. About Panic Stations, he writes,

“It wasn’t until we started writing and recording Panic Stations that I finally found I could revisit old feelings and scenes from my life without being too affected by them. I had been working at this thing (Sobriety, Living in the moment, Self-love, Not being an asshole, etc…) for years and it was finally paying off.”

During their 2020 reunion show in Orlando, a couple things happened. First, no content from Go or Panic Stations made the set list. Second, they performed phenomenally. Pierre sounded good as ever, the synth was well-mixed, and the rhythm parts were nice and crunchy. Third, and perhaps most importantly, there was a sense of resolve over the struggles of the music, with Pierre taking moments between songs to address mental health issues directly with the crowd. Indeed, if you look at Pierre’s social media presence, he seems remarkably aware of the band’s legacy and how much his writing about mental health has helped fans get through their own demons, despite having worked hard to overcome the issues himself. 

Because that’s the thing about these band reunions: people change over time, and the struggles and challenges that drove us crazy in younger years are often bandaged up or even healed over time and things start to make sense, but with art, revisiting your earlier work will take you right back to it. This is not the same when a band is doing a 10-year anniversary tour of an album of saccharine songs about partying and hooking up because that music is surface level; there’s no trauma and strife to reach through time and pull you back in. Even more so, while bands will often, at some point, write about some kind of mental health issue, there are few that make it an integral part of their identity. But for these bands that do, coping with the issue becomes something bigger, and Motion City Soundtrack’s way of doing it is deeply vulnerable and existential. It’s accessible for people who feel fucked in the head and alone because of it, and for anyone who has suffered through mental issues, not feeling alone is important. This is critical for art, especially art that assuages fear and darkness and loneliness, because the undeniable reality is that music speaks a universal language and can ease real and threatening forces in our heads. This is Motion City Soundtrack’s legacy, because there are few that have stared at the issues in the face like they have.

Words and photos by Andrew Friedgen. Like this? Sonder is an independent music, travel and photography publication at sonderlife.com. Give us a follow here or at our Twitter, Instagram or Facebook for more content like this!

Also check out:

Anberlin in Orlando

Who is Mat Kerekes?

The Almost’s set at Gramercy

#motion city soundtrack #bands #band blog #justin pierre #features #by andrew

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Sticks and Stones

A comment left on one of my photos!*

Let’s start this by simply saying Thank you!

Thank you for taking the time to comment on one of my photos – thank you for providing your opinion on a topic that we as women face on a daily basis – I want you to know that when you attacked my body, you did not effect me in a negative way – you did not discolor my self esteem, you did not hurt me (as I have been through far worse) and you certainly did not make me think any less of myself– in fact you empowered me.

You’ve made me stronger, so thank you!    

In many ways you are right, your opinion is exactly that – but it’s your form of “fit” that I do not fit into – not mine (or those who love me)  You see, this whole industry is in the eye of the beholder – it’s what we choose to get out of the process that matters, it’s all indifferent and perhaps if you removed your rose-colored glasses you would see beauty in all the different shapes and sizes the human body comes in rather then taunting those around you for not having your form of fit.

Those comments set us back, they linger and are a leading cause of so much self doubt and self sabotage and that conversation needs to change, you cannot be teaching children that – in fact, you should be educating yourself because YOUR perception of what “FIT” is needs to change.

FIT is defined as

“in good health”

……especially because of regular physical exercise.  

Well, that sounds like me…I mean

I have climbed the CN tower stairs, twice – all 1,776 of them.

I dance, every day for upwards of an hour or two

I lift weights every day

I fuel my body properly; I do not diet or restrict what foods I put into my body (because I am human)

So contrary to an unsolicited opinion on MY body…I AM FIT and here’s the thing- YOU (whoever you were) don’t get to decide – 

I have moved past that way of thinking – and I invite you to as well!  

I am not an expert.  I do not have a flashy background it fitness, I am not a trainer or a nutritionist – but what I do have is life experience, I’ve been through trauma (that I am still healing from) I have demons that I have been so ashamed to face until recently because of fear of judgement from not only strangers but from people who frequent my table.  The truth is none of this is easy to talk about, no one wants to stand up and talk about their body in a negative way, or relive their toxic relationships no one wants to risk appearing weak when there is already so much judgment out there, but guess what, we all have pasts, we all have gone through something that has lead us to be who we are today and just because someone has a similar story and lived through similar situations (and survived) doesn’t mean that your story is any less validated, it doesn’t make the experience any less traumatic or hard and it certainly doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to tell it – we tell our stories in hopes that it helps someone so that it shows that we can go through dark times and still rise – we should be encouraging people to read their chapters out loud instead of claiming rights to something that many of us have faced whether its disordered eating, body image, mental health, self sabotage, relationships…and so much more. 

My first ever heartbreak had a lot to do with my weight at 21 … I will never forget how I watched a man that I loved fall out of love with me as the number on the scale went up. I was insecure about it but we never talked about it - I never asked the right questions I never asked if he was still attracted to me (as he gained the same “happy” weight I did) I didn’t ask if he was falling out of love with me but up until that point I never struggled with my body image and I believed that the number on the scale didn’t define me – but the truth is, it DID (in my own mind at least) – and in the end he broke up with me.  Truthfully, I can pinpoint that to exactly when my negative relationship with my body started.  B and I ate out a lot and If we weren’t eating out then I was cooking big meals that were greasy and with portion sizes that were out of control, I thought food solved everything. I gained about 30 “happy pounds” and hit my second puberty. My hips went up 5 sizes, my boobs were out of control and I didn’t recognize the girl I saw in the mirror anymore.

Dating as a chubby girl was seriously depressing so much so that I tried online dating (I know, save the judgment for later) I remember only using pictures of my face and avoiding anything that showed my body – and I ended up meeting this guy and after a few days of us texting we went for a movie (we had a wonderful time and he seemed really into me) but unfortunately on the ride home he pulled over 3 times and PULLED IT OUT…(I am not joking and there is a whole other story to this) anyways – I declined – politely (3 times, once with tears lol)  I could tell that his ego was a little hurt.  Shortly after he dropped me off at home I got a message from him that said… “you know you’re a lot bigger in person” as if that was the reason he wasn’t going to see me again - (not that he was a total pig) but honestly I was shocked and so embarrassed that someone openly commented on my weight (that wasn’t my grandma) and I wont lie It really hurt my feelings,  but I politely reminded him that the weight was something I could easily work off, but he was stuck with a small dick for the rest of his life (lol) and so we never spoke again (until he came across my social media last year and has been creeping ever since!!)

The truth is in that moment I became so desperate to have my old body back - to be able to fit into my old pair of jeans (the “before” him jeans) that I started skipping meals – I lied to my loved ones about what I was putting in my body - I ended up in the hospital - multiple times with stomach pain and exhaustion - I took a leave of absence from work because I was too sick to even get out of bed.  

I DID THAT - I starved my body and all I can remember thinking at the time was that it worked, I lost the weight as if it was some miracle.  It didn’t change anything- I was still sad, I was still skipping meals and I knew that mentally I was not in a good place and it didn’t help that 6 months after the break up that spiraled all those negative feelings just announced he was getting married.  This went on for about a year, where I struggled with disordered eating and my body image - I met matt, at my thinnest and I maintained that as long as I could - fast forward to pregnancy (which turned out the be incredibly unhealthy) I was still  starving my body, its really the only pattern I knew and I continued to watch my weight,  I didn’t want a repeat of what happened with B, So I limited my calorie intake – But once I realized what I was doing I started eating smaller meals more often, then the portions became larger, and within a few weeks I went from not eating the foods I wanted to eating everything in sight.  I would over-eat…and then eat and then eat some more…and in 3 months I gained almost 40lbs (60lbs my total pregnancy), went borderline Diabetic and ended up having a premature birth at 7 months followed by my gallbladder being removed shortly after-  great experience, right!  

My mentality at that time was “Well my body is changing anyways, may as well enjoy it…”

Or “I’ve already gained this much weight, what’s another few pounds….”

WRONG, wrong, wrong WRONG - that is not a healthy mentality at all and again is a part of that self sabotaging culture that we as women live in.

I wasn’t surprised that 5 years later I still owned 95% of that “baby weight”, I knew I needed to get serious – I put blinders on when it came to my health I was overweight, I was lazy and I lacked motivation to work out and it wasn’t until about a year ago that I actually committed to something that worked for me… (did you catch that… “something that worked for me”, because everyone is different ) Anyways- It certainly didn’t happen overnight, and I had to overcome a lot of personal demons that ended up being bigger then just a negative body image - I had to get raw and admit that in some situations I was the toxic person – that I allowed my circumstances and for that I carried so much guilt. 

The point is! 

As human beings we need to learn to co-exsist with all of our demons whether its food, weight or body shape or even our mental health – we need to be as patient with ourselves as we are others, mindful of our own feelings, our own needs and we need to cultivate in them.  This is why this conversation is so important to me – why I choose to address certain things, why my social media is public- no one but me has the right to narrate my story and so the best I can do is live well,  without fear of judgment, comfortable in my skin, in my decisions 

- Although I am as open as I can be, I choose to be very conscious about what I post on social media (for a few reasons) - One is simple, my husband has to approve of the content being posted. Out of respect and love for that man who has supported me unconditionally throughout this process, regardless of being 1000% confident in my “now” body, he prefers some things to stay private (in which I totally agree) but the other is because there are people (no scratch that) women out there whose “dream body” is my “then” body –  and the words I use to describe how I felt in my own skin during that time can damage someone else’s perception of their dream body, it can become discouraging – But understand this, I know now that my body was actually never the problem. That additional weight I carried, was beautiful. I admit there have been things that I have been insecure about, yes but that was society making me believe that my body didn’t look right,  that was social media and marketing saying you are only worthy of real love at a 120lb and everything else is unlovable.  That was my own self sabotage that made me believe I wasn’t good enough as is and so I went to drastic measures to try and comply to what society told me beautiful should be and throughout this entire process I wish I would have told myself sooner that being a size 12 did not change my banging personality or my sense of humour and being a size 8 didn’t change my heart, or how I viewed the world and being a size 4 now doesn’t make me any better of a person then I was 10 years ago when I felt my worth was dictated by the number on the scale.  I have had to accept that not everyone will see “fit” the same way I do and unfortunately because I have decided to put my life on social media the way I do, I have opened a window for others to form that opinion of me, I have allowed them judge me, to be passive towards me or to even question my character and in some cases those opinions will be voiced but I welcome them and if by chance you are that person who wants to dim my light know this you can’t break me - I am 10000% comfortable and confident in who I am – Broken past, Belly fat, cellulite, saggy boobs and all (Lol)

I will end with this, I will not apologize for “showing off” as I have earned the right to – I will not apologize for over coming the two worst relationships I’ve ever had and will ever have in my life (food and my self worth) – I will not apologize for being my own version of fit even if it doesn’t align with yours and I certainly will not apologize for being who I am.

As far as I am concerned, as long as you are not harming others in any way, live unapologetically in all you do.  You don’t need validation from anyone or anything!

#fitness

[ansonmount]

I seriously think I might be depressed and/ or have anxiety. I have never been to a therapist and I can't talk about this to my friends (they barely are my friends anymore) so I'm kinda worried it's gonna get worse. I'm afraid to go to a therapist because I don't know what to tell them and what if they brush it off or they diagnose me wrongly.

It’s common to get both anxiety and depression. I have major depression and generalised anxiety disorder along with borderline personality disorder so i can relate. 

But seriously, start therapy and or meds as soon as you can. Because things can get worse. I struggled with my mental illness from about the age of ten till i was like 18 and a half.  and thats a long time to go without support of any kind. Honestly, it was too long to wait. I think dealing with my issues alone for like the entirety of my teenage years actually fucked me pretty hard. 

Is misdiagnosis possible? Yes. Everything is possible. But you can’t let that rule you. If you have the choice, you can search the doctors you’ll see. If you dont feel a diagnosis is right, you can always seek a 2nd or 3rd opinion. Sometimes you do end up self diagnosing, esp if you have something a bit more than just normal depression or anxiety - in fact I was the one that realised my bpd, but I struggled to get doctors to listen to me, so i said fuck it, and emailed a local psychologist and got an appointment and within 6 months she confirmed it for me. I still see her now two years after because she’s such a stable and consistant person in my life - like I’ve missed one appointment in 2 years. And im a chronic cancel-er of appointments. 

There’s a few things about seeking help or therapy, and these two things are: you can leade a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. Therapy is hard work. I can’t gloss over how important it is but it’s so hard, esp when you have trauma, but recovery will always be worth it. It’s not linear and there will be moments, I mean I’ve been in therapy t various degrees since 2014, and I was suicidal, again, last night. The second thing is honesty. Therapy is hard enough, but when you refuse to let yourself open up because you’re anxious or something, it defeats the point of going to therapy. If you feel like you need therapy or help, it should be a priority to open up to whoever you see, because you’ll be living your truth finally and dropping the “nothings wrong” mask because thats what allows depression and other mental illnesses to thrive. 

If people ever give you shit for being mentally ill: Well you know where the trash bin is, because you absolutely do not need toxic people like that in your life. The thing is, for not knowing what to say…say everything. Often they’ll ask things like when are you born, your address, your family history. And then from there, they’ll start to make notes. In my experience, you talk. about everything and anything. I’m at the point in my therapy I talk about big shit, and then the next moment I’m going on about how much I love Cody Fern. Like esp once you have a good relationship with a therapist or psychologist, just talking about everything helps. Like this person isn’t going to be your best friend, but they’re there for you to just rant to. I actually believe everyone should be in therapy. Because aving a 3rd person to ask about things, like how your best friend hurt you, or if you’re having self-esteem issues, all of that is so important to talk about. I feel like im just rambling, but seriously, try and seek someone out. Don’t let depression and anxiety rule your life.For more context, from mid 2012 to the start of 2014, I actually spent all that time housebound. I never left the house. I only left to see the doctor and my boyfriend had to go with me. I couldn’t eat in public. I felt like everyone was watching me. I’d have near panic attacks just being on one of the busiest streets in my city. The reality? No one was looking at me. No one cared. But in my mind, I believed they did. I dont remember people i see on the street? why did i think people would remember me or my fat ass??? But thats the thing about anxiety, is that you truely believe these things, and its not easy to overcome that on your own. These days I barely leave the house but thats because throughout all my health issues, from when I was 16, I actually developed chronic fatigue syndrome, so these days, my anxiety is barely an issue, the cfs can fuck off though. 

So you are not alone at all. There will always be someone who understands. But do try to seek help because living with these demons alone isn’t something anyone should feel like they’re stuck doing. If you ever need positive mental health things to look at, I have this tag: https://codylangdon.tumblr.com/tagged/positive

#ask poss #Poss answers

[freecodecamper]

Let’s Talk About Some Really Serious *Bleep*

If you are reading this you can look at the date of when I first started this blog. This is kind of a summary that mixes the past, the present, and stuff that has happened since I last posted. I have a lot to talk about and I really hope this helps someone out there. 

Let me begin.

On Portals of Stability

You can’t function in this industry if you do not figure out a way to create a stable life for yourself. It does not have to be fun. It does not have to be wealthy. It does not have to be full of amazing people. It just has to be stable enough where you can focus on completing a specific goal at a specific time and not have that compete with anything else. 

So I recognize that you could be homeless but totally teach yourself how to code because if you have access to a library’s computer system and a dedicated time every day, all you need to do is show up. Things get a little bit more complicated if you have serious responsibilities to take care of or if you get really really really sick. 

Portals of stability are important because motivation runs out. Let’s say you gain enough skills with programming to enter the workforce and get some damn good job offers. But you don’t have a stable home situation for recovering from the stresses of life. Even though you have finally arrived at your goal of working in tech in a job based on your skills, you don’t have the emotional support you need to survive. 

All the women I know in tech that I would consider to be mentors and beloved friends have burnt the fuck out. I’m looking at them because they kind of represent a future that I can step into and I’m really thinking about... how I can be here without destroying myself. And that’s something that skills like programming don’t address. I don’t know what the answer is but I do know the difference between the women who burnt the hell out and eventually circled back and the women who did not is that the survivors figured out how to create stability by pursuing freelance situations where they did not have to be exposed to a daily violence present in a lot of tech workplaces. But they had to do a LOT to get the point of where they can pull that off. They had to be exposed to a lot of mental fuckery and sometimes physical violence. I don’t know if I have that in me for that specific field and yet I know I have no choice but to stay here. 

On How to Reconfigure an Unstable Life

So my life has been highly unstable almost since I was a kid. I kept running into these patterns where I’m already working under conditions that are set up against me. I last longer than I am expected to, but I still end up failing because I never had the resources I needed to begin with. 

Finally, it clicked one day that instead of doing this cycle that feels like a constant start, stop, start stop, start stop, brakes and pedal at the same time movement... I need to just rearrange my life. 

This meant getting rid of people.

This meant re-evaluating what time is to me.

This meant thinking about what I’d be upset with the most if I knew I was going to die this year without completing something.

This also meant letting emotional weights go - forgiving people, acknowledging trauma, acknowledging things I suck at but have too much pride to publicly admit, forgiving myself, giving myself time to physically heal and emotionally heal and breath - really breath. 

This also meant finding a job that works with me even if its not the job others think I should have. In other words, money is not everything if it constantly gets in the way of completing whatever the hell it is you want to complete. 

This also meant qualifying advice because most advice given (including possibly my own in this post) is fucked up, bad, and doesn’t relate to what you are actually going through. My mentors in tech come from backgrounds so vastly different from me that at a certain point they just could not relate. The economic conditions, the social conditions, etc., its just too wide of a gap sometimes when shit hits the fan. So I found that usually I was better off trusting my own gut instincts then doing the “right” thing and seeking the opinion of someone who supposedly has been there before me. There were exceptions but the exceptions where advice actually fit were so rare that I can count them on three fingers. 

This meant recognizing distractions. I have a digital addiction. I’ve been dealing with for the past couple of months. What I’ve been doing to recover since I definitely don’t have the money to get professional help is deleting apps and leaving my phone behind - sometimes in my car, sometimes at home. I gave up facebook because that was the worst one. I deleted LinkedIn which I hated because of its dark patterns anyway. I reduced my twitter use dramatically. But what actually has worked best is deleting apps during the week and installing them on the weekend plus monitoring when I feel the urge to use an app. Its always to push back something that I don’t want to feel. I also did a serious spring cleaning which was very helpful but also very intense because as soon as I got rid of a crapload of stuff a bunch of memories that had been buried underneath rose to the top and I had to deal with them with no place to run away. So yeah... it has been an intense emotional rollercoaster since the last time I posted. 

This meant also recognizing there is a spiritual element to this for me, that I won;t get into online because its really personal but if anyone reading wants to know I will gladly share. I do believe that sometimes stagnation and resistance is psychic in nature. The relationships we have with people impact us in ways we can’t always imagine....the things our parents and friends say....what they do and do not think we are capable of....the lies we tell ourselves both to make us feel better as well as to tear us down - all of that has a spiritual impact. 

So to summarize how to restructure your life to pursue what you want:

Get a job that gives you the time you need to make shit above the money you desire. If you can’t sacrifice your job you are going to have to come up with a hell of a plan. Maybe save money for a year or two and take a break from the world. It worked for one woman. She saved for three years, then taught herself how to code in one year. She made it but damn she gave up a LOT to pull that off. You have to recognize your sacrifices but a job that is on the schedule YOU NEED is the best thing you could ever give yourself. 

Remove people who don’t support you. Find people who are like you or who are where you want to be in the future.  You literally become who you hang out with. So if you currently are trying to learn how to code and you do not know any programmers, you are in danger. Find people online, offline, doesn’t matter, just find a person who also is doing what you are doing, and get to know them well enough where if you had a question you could hit them up for help. 

Don’t learn to code for money unless you like learning ( I do). This is a life long learning career where you will never stop updating and upgrading your skills. It's not like how some college degrees USED to be where once you get it, you are set, and you are just running a business that has already been established and going through the motions. It doesn’t work that way. There’s always a new protocol, a new best practice, a new language, etc. Just get started and once you start don’t stop if you can avoid it. 

Give yourself time to heal. Sometimes we don’t know we are sick, even physically sick. Stress can mask a fucked up situation. Figure out the best way for you to chill out and then examine what the heck is really going on with you. 

If you think you are battling some serious demons, deal with those demons before they grow and decide to force you to deal with them. A lot of my friends had breakdowns after graduating from college because there was nothing to distract them from dealing with the shit that was always calling for their attention. 

Read the War of Art by Steven Pressfield. He talks about resistance a lot. He also helps make you feel better when you learn that it takes some people years to overcome it. Where Pressfield is helpful is putting you in the mindset of a pro - like ok you know this bullshit is going to head your way and its going to get between you and what you want to do. Here is how to hold on tight and not completely give up. Here is how to figure out a path to finishing. My only complaint with the book is that sometimes finishing is not the best use of your time which leads me to the last thing I’ll mention.

Develop a way to know whether or not something is worth your time or you are cutting yourself short. Sometimes people stop working on projects because they get too hard. But sometimes people stop working on projects because life is too short and there are other things they value more. I’m of the belief that as long as whatever you are pursuing is something you wouldn’t mind dying while in the pursuit of, you should be ok. Yes I do mean dying in the pursuit of. If you know you would be upset at someone finding you slouched over a keyboard, dead, learning how to code instead of... spending time with your kid, writing the book you really want to write, living abroad, etc., don’t do it. But if you know you'd’ be ok with someone finding you dead over a keyboard busting your ass to learn how to code because this is something that actually means a LOT to you and is part of your life... that’s beautiful. I truly do mean that. 

Another way to think of number 7 is in terms of flow. You want to set up your life in such a way where you do more of the things you want to do then don’t want to do. I’m not talking about eating chocolate cake and pizza all day. I’m talking more along the lines of... if you are a people person and you enjoy talking to people, your everyday work should involve that. If you like solving puzzles your everyday work should involve that. If your everyday job does not, this means you aren’t in flow with your life. And who wants to be out of flow with their fucking life?

Anway as for me and what I have been up to... 

Working on stuff, using the skills I got from freecodecamp based on how far I got at the time. I’ve restarted it three times now. And each time I say it will be the last but nope. Haven’t pull that off. But if I took a gaming perspective to it, I will say that each time I dive back into freecodecamp I take away a little bit more. So maybe for some learners, the process of restarting is much more similar to starting from a game. You take in as much as you can stand for the moment, then go off into the world, use the skills you do have, and when you are finally ready to take on more - because your life is finally stable or you just feel its time - you do. 

I hope this is  helpful for someone out there. I’m kind of writing this to myself wishing I could send this to my past. I’m really grateful for the job I currently have. While its not glamorous it allows me time and time is the most precious thing in the entire world. 

#coding #burnt out #tech burnout #emotional health #mental health #physical health #self care #wrap up #mini retro #stability #instability #unstable

[sometimesrosy]

I'm not trying to sound accusatory, just honestly curious on your take here. I know you're a fellow abuse survivor, so I'm just wondering why you still want a Blake siblings reconciliation? A peeve for me has always been the notion that if someone is family, you're obligated to "fix" things, no matter how destructive of a force they are in your life. To me, they are past the point where Bellamy needs to say it's enough and walk away.

Okay. Two separate things here. One: What it means to be an abuse survivor and what role forgiveness and family have in that. Two: the fictional character and her fictional narrative arc and character development. 

I’m going to start with real life. First of all, I want you to realize that I wasn’t just in a domestic emotional abuse situation, I was also raised in an abusive family, where I was told to be quiet to never set him off (in case you’re wondering why I refuse to be silent when people tell me i have no right to speak, that’s why.) I have very little contact with my father. I set my boundaries and he’s not allowed to cross them, and it doesn’t matter how it makes him sad :( in his old age. This is the situation he set up. However, I have periodically allowed him back in to see if he’s changed or I’ve changed enough that we can have a better relationship. Nope. Because I trigger him, I guess, and I won’t let him trigger me. My boundaries. My rules. I’m in control of this relationship/nonrelationship. because he is unable to have one without trying to gain power over me. 

So do I think you have to reconcile because you’re family? Nope. But I’m going to tell you something else, you don’t address those wounds in your psyche and you ideas of love and home and family, you’re going to have a hard time healing yourself. It doesn’t matter how awful they were, or what they did to you, they’re still your family and that relationship needs to be addressed. And if at some point, you want to try a reconciliation or attempt a new or better relationship, that is NOT because you are weak or deserve it or whatever. You can’t undo your father or your sister or your mother or whoever it is. That person is still ALWAYS going to be this to you. You are never going to be able go back in time and make that person who you wanted them to be. This is them. With their flaws and their mental illness and their inability to parent or whatever. It doesn’t go away.  I gained more from reconciling with my father only to identify from a place of power that he was unable to have a healthy relationship than I ever did from cutting him off completely when I was 19 and still reeling from the abuse of my childhood. 

All right. Now onto Octavia.

I get that people are triggered by what she did, I recognize that and that’s valid. These shows bring up our own experiences and feelings. This is how we engage with fiction, in both good and bad ways. One of the reasons I love fiction is that it helps us deal with our issues in the relative safety of the fictional world. THOSE characters can play out our traumas or dream or struggles and we get to live through them.

Why am I not triggered by Octavia’s treatment of Bellamy? Because it lacks the element of control, power imbalance, and repeated action over time. The beating comes very close, but to me, Bellamy did have power over the situation and he refused to allow anyone to interfere. It seemed to me more like assault. Still a crime. Still unhealthy and dysfunctional. It was a reflection of his breakdown, and their mutual abused childhood. These were their coping skills basically living in a death camp in that one room. SO UNHEALTHY. I think in a way, they maybe need to work on this together, because they suffered it together, but it’s been easier for Bellamy because he had freedom where she had none.

As for Octavia, I do think she’s in danger of becoming an abuser. I think she turns to violence and rage when she is out of control. But I don’t think she is there yet. I look at her as an abused child who is in crisis. She is turning to the only coping strategy she has. “Killing her demons” and where that might have been metaphorical on the Ark, now she is a warrior with a sword and she is a killer. 

Why do I want a redemption for Octavia? Because I do not like this idea that people can’t come back from the apocalypse. That when they have fallen, they are gone. That sins can not be atoned for. That mistakes can never been forgiven. I believe that people can change. I believe that THIS SHOW is about how people can learn and grow and become better.

It is LITERALLY about coming back after everything has been lost, to be a hero, to start over again, as something better.

So why does everyone but Octavia get this chance?

As a child of an abusive family and a woman who survived domestic abuse, I DESPERATELY need to believe that people can overcome their trauma to be whole and strong and good. To stop the cycle. To make changes for the better.

So that’s why I want to see an Octavia redemption. 

#the 100 #redemption arc #abuse #recovery #domestic abuse #physical abuse #emotional abuse #power imbalance #the blake siblings #octavia blake #coping strategies #coping through fiction #this is my third version of this and I could write thousands more words on it. it is very complicated.

[brokendownbrown]

Regret the day I discovered alcohol as self-liberation, cuz really it was a prison.

there's so much to be said about the nature of the beast that shuts down your brain in  sequential order, that  renders consent impossible and  makes so many bad things happen to your body. there's  so much to be said for the pressures we face growing up that are unrealistic to meet. the internalized stigma around our bodies and the weird pressure that creates within as we internalize the violence that caused us the  harm in our childhood and we  continue to injure ourselves in  adolescence. 

to think that sex wasn't for me, that I was an alien, to think that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. for me not to be able to understand what that fundamental thing was, to not be able to get what was happening with me. its a cruel thing to have a child immigrate and then encourage them not to take advantage of resources that are available in the community. to be raised in a world where America wasn't form me and to be given friends who at least on surface cared about me, and showed me an incredible 17th birthday, at least I thought, but I'm so conflicted because it was so chock full of substances, the same substances that took vivek's life at 24. in college where I was constantly feeling like a monster. a layover from high school where I never went to parties and even if I was invited would always feel left out. I think people didn't want to challenge my visible orthodoxy even if it was begging for it. I was screaming for saving and no-one felt obliged. and so I kinda waifed out of school, just amid w weed smoke and beer cans, and loop pedals, and isolation. there I wrote the beginnings of what would become the discography of my life of which most seems lost. but still you start over, and over. eventually you get to a point where you've collected enough that you don't necessarily find yourself going through old archives that you made because the life you lived at the time was just too harmful to recollect. [pause] I understand that when my brain was off and I was trying to battle my demons I was in the company of people who were chasing the dragon but not necessarily for the reasons that I was. its a difficult matter to try to navigate and I really just need to continue to be honest, like my friends suggest. I think there's nooks and crannies in my mind that need to be explored yet and my friends demand better from me. so that's what I'll do. [pause] I guess I'm left with the harm that this person experienced, and I have to give them space to express that. if I don't then I'm not like doing my part, or following my friends advice, and really thats all I have in this stage. why would my friends offer advice if I wasn't going to follow it. [pause] This is a part of my being that is hard to access. I guess tears are coming out and I don't want people who've experienced harm to be lying in my wake. its a difficult matter to navigate but I'm getting good advice and I'd do well to follow it. [pause] I wish I didn't have this sense of romance when it came to drinking, like this james Bond-esque super-hero in a suit in the 70's with guns and explosions and girls. why is this like fueling my romance of what it is to drink. well dressed chavs with smarmy charismatic sneers pasted on their faces with wild eyes and hair blowing in the wind, and a cold glow about them. a sense of danger and freedom. a stubbly chin and immaculate fingernails and dapper dress interpreted through chav aesthetic. [pause] all of this and more seems to run through mind, like the whimsical joy of carrying a beer on the train in the UK and being OK. the freedom and sexiness of it all. but in reality I think about how unsexy being too drunk is. how terrible it can feel to be weighed down by whisky, to have the shades drawn mentally and medically have parts of your brain literally de-activting as per the want of alcohol to manifest. [pause] this grandiose life that wasn't for me, as an immigrant, and a kid with a super religious family, who'd never approve of partying. the knowledge of doing exactly what you weren't supposed to be doing was its own reward, a stab back at the family that would constantly torture you all day with all sorts of clothing potions that you'd never wear, all kinds of smarmy remarks about your body, asking you to weigh yourself on the scales, asking you to change your posture, asking you to change your diet. this always would fuck with me and contribute to a sense of two terrible things. [pause] me and my pal vivek would pain the town red and it was grand, like all the visions of radness that had plagued my pre-teen visions of awesome were manifesting at the age of 19. I was the badass id always dreamed to be, and it nearly killed me. I literally woke up in the ER. vivek, he went out in a body bag. so destructive was our dream. now I talk about liberation and its just weird to think that libation is more of a prison and this is almost a slogan but the truth is damning. damn it. I just wish that I wasn't sold this golden vision of substance abuse as a fast track to badassery. I never smoked a cigarette outside of a few chance parties, and hated it every time. weed never stuck. neither did any other drug. it was always alcohol for me. this weird like, sexification of a substance that was in all likelihood a turnoff the whole time. [pause] and now I guess I have a conversation pending with a person whose experienced harm due to drinking and thats going to be a day of reckoning for sure. I'm being given the harsh truth of things and id expect nothing less from my friends and partners. it is what it is, its nothing to sneeze at and I need to step my game here. I need to center their concerns. they need to know that I hear them. [pause] I grew up around bro's. like I was a chav growing up, also a grammar school kid, over in the UK. a northerner, a manc, a blackburnian, a Lancastrian. we'd wear our uniforms and say our prayers. and thats part of a tradition of schools of that nature going back hundreds of years. it was an old world thing. we were raised to love soccer. that was just the way of it. there were no bones about it, you were there, you were playing the game, you loved the game. it was also a city phenomenon, the blackburn rovers, a team that used to be badass when I was a kid but now don't even qualify for the main league. [pause] soccer was a way for me to continue a part of my culture as an immigrant who otherwise had no place to practice my accent, or any other trapping of my britishness. and then white adult comedians have the audacity to come to me and mock the state of my ability to express my internalized and still remembered Britishness as a sign of my ... [pause] its a lot to delve into. its super painful for me to talk about the way I was harmed by midwest public space to the degree that I had to self censure my own accent in order to find any escape from the harm that was being visited upon me daily by taking up space as a british, identifiably british person with religious garb of a faith they misidentified daily, another thing that I ended up leaving behind to step away from the harm coming my way. [pause] sometimes I wonder where does it end, like this weird tapestry of harm that I've internalized, the pain and the trauma, I go through my narrative and my head spins, and its hard for me to ground myself. but still, here I am all the same. [pause] what can anyone do anyway, given the world. I think about my gender and how thats buried in there somewhere, how I'm an immigrant and how thats kinda elusive for me to understand, how like... so many things. like the difficulty I have with mascara, and the few times I've worn a dress, how they've turned into jokes amongst friends. [pause] my body is a problem for me as I... like... you know, am not necessarily drawn to the standard male stuff with regards to fashion despite my swarthy appearance, and in saying that I feel like its racist to use those words. but I've spoken so few times about all this I have a lot of blunderousness in vocab to overcome. my family used to shame my body, my clothing choice, my posture, my body shape, despite being for many years the sole source of all nutrition for me. straight from my mothers kitchen to my stomach, to my body, to their eyes, their lips, and to my shame, the pain, the harm, the trauma. [pause] and I think about the boy from daycare, when I was a pre-teen, I think about the contact we made, their hand on my cheek, the electricity I felt. I think about my old neighbor, how we were close, very close, and how I missed that, and maybe they never felt the same, and maybe thats why they avoided me in years since. there have always been boys, although I'm not running after every boy I see. I have a type, and when it strikes me, it does. [pause] I'm about to do something really difficult and crazy, and I think it might work, but I am not going to pretend like I have everything figured out, I dont. I'll suck before I do better. [pause] but before all that I need to have this conversation with this person whose experienced harm. it was a surprise, a horrible one, but I have reached out and let them know I'm down to speak, and they seem down too. who knows what the right move is from there. but its important to recognize the harm that went down. and I don't know whats going to happen but it needs to and thats the main thing. on the phone he [their friend] told me to center their trauma over my ego. I'm already there trust me. but sure, feel free to say so. [pause] callouts and callins are triggering to me especially when they occur in this city because they've in my experience been used to fuel racist agendas that never get addressed, because of the power dynamics at play. but in this case I feel like maybe I can go through this process without being too worried about that.

[lookingformaariyah]

Growing up, the concept of a mental illness was always either romanticized, criticized, or both. You’re given the idea that a mental illness is beautifully flawed and easily lost when handled a particular way. Take movies like Silver Linings Playbook, Wrist Cutters: A Love Story, It’s Kind Of A Funny Story, The Art Of Getting By, and According To Greta. All of these books/movies have the misconception that mental illnesses are cute and funny and that there’s always going to be a set of people that’ll guide you through every aspect of it, but that’s rarely the case. Sometimes people don’t know they suffer from a mental illness, and sometimes the ones who do know aren’t able to seek the right kind of treatment, either due to guardian issues, misconceptions, self-diagnosis, or high treatment costs.

Mental illness refers to a wide range of mental health conditions. Many people have mental health concerns from time to time. However, a mental health concern becomes a mental illness when ongoing signs and symptoms cause frequent stress and affect your ability to function daily. A mental illness can make you miserable and can cause problems in your daily life, such as at school or work or in relationships.

        Depression is a common mental illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think, and how you act. It is very much real and quite an overpowering factor in your daily life. When a person has depression, it interferes with their daily life and normal functioning. Depression is not a sign of weakness nor is it a character flaw. You can’t “snap out of” clinical depression. Most people who experience depression need treatment to get better. Bottling it up can do more bad than good in the long run.

“Well, I suffered from pretty severe depression for many, many years. I kept my mouth shut about it for about 12 years. When I finally said something, my parents send me to therapy. My parents quickly stopped walking on eggshells around me and went back to treating me like they always did so I had to do what I thought was best for me in terms of finally getting over this crippling disorder. I’m not 100% cured and I still have episodes of it but my mental health is far improved compared to what it used to be and for that I’m grateful. But I know I did all of it on my own. My parents paid for things but they never understood. They cared but they didn’t really help. Most of the time you have to be there for yourself. My therapist was nice but he was almost too supportive. I didn’t want support. I wanted to be fixed. ” – Sri Lanka

  “I suffer from major anxiety and sometimes I fall into depression where i feel neglected and i just wanna isolate myself so i find ways to self-harm or anything that can take my life away. well my anxiety, yes my family is very much aware of it but as far as for depression, since i isolate myself, i don’t feel the need to talk about it. my parents think it’s a common thing and they do not wish to go on further checking because to them, i seem okay but i know for sure that i actually do need help.”- India

In reality, everyone wants to feel like they matter. Like they’re being heard but we often go through personal struggles that divide us in the way we see life and the way we see ourselves and the outcome isn’t often positive. In reality, it’s a much harsher outlook purely because a mental illness is something you have to face alone. Regardless of people being there to support you or not, the changes you go through are internal. Help can be given but not all of it is helpful and sometimes all you really want is the space to figure it out yourself and work through your demons.

There is, however, a difference between giving an individual the space he/she needs and completely shutting down the idea that he/she HAS a mental illness. Friends/lovers or people that are exposed to you on a more intimate level may be able to understand your illness better because they feel the withdrawal. This is not an easy change to undergo because no one wants their mental illness to be the reason they’re treated differently. However, exposure is good; having a purpose besides the confines of your room/ work space is always best because it helps take your mind of your struggles. Even if it is for a brief period of time, that 10-minute window could make a large difference in your life.

“I do not officially suffer from a mental illness nor knows anyone that does, unless you consider a mild case of OCD and sometimes anxiety (which I’m getting through slowly!!). For a long time (well till a few months ago) I couldn’t take phone calls to people that I didn’t know personally without panicking and feeling anxious and order food over the counter or anything that involved one-on-one interaction with people that I had no prior relation with, and I really wanted to overcome it so I did speak to my parents about it and they told me that when we go out, bit by bit I’d be the one ordering food and getting directions and all, and through that I got over it. I don’t really physically show fear or my anxiousness but inside my head I’d constantly be thinking about how I’d flop and how the person would judge me for it and it’d stop me from doing a lot of things, but it’s getting much better and easier to do things.” – Anon

  “I am transgender, which causes me to have severe gender dysphoria and anxiety. That means that I have a very negative emotional reaction to my own body. It has made me try and lose a lot of weight as quickly as possible and self-harm. The self-harming can go from cutting to just scratching my arm bloody. I have come out to my mom but not my father. My mother has been supportive so far, and helped me go see a psychologist which helped me a little, however because I am still nowhere near transitioning or living life openly as myself, the cause for the dysphoria and anxiety is still very present, and I expect it will continue to stay with me even after my transition.”- Germany

Self-harm, firstly is something you should never put your mind or body through. There is no questioning or doubting that what you might/are going through is terrible but if you were (and you will) get out of that void, your scars might result in a relapse or reoccurrences of those bitter memories. Reliving the trauma is the last thing you need. You’ve worn your emotion in every possible style. Don’t hurt yourself any further.

“There were times were this person I knew would be confused over depression and sadness. Surely at the back of their head they both meant the same but there had to be a line that would differentiate the two. Unlike sadness, depression was painful and would suck the life out of you even at your happiest moments. That’s when she knew she was a depressed child. She wouldn’t call it the most severe case of depression but without a doubt, it comes under the category of depression. She has not approached her family regarding this because of the mere fact that she felt like she wouldn’t get that understanding. For a fact she knew they would support her and get me all the help she needs but that emotional connection that she needs she wouldn’t be able to receive it. She refrained herself from doing so because by the end of it, she didn’t want relationships with them to be any different and not just that she feels like she can deal with it herself and not require help which could be her being reluctant or afraid of seeking help but she’s okay.” – Anon

  “I know many people in my family with mental disorders and everyone dismisses them; they’re either not close enough to God or have gone mad. Most African elders see mental illness as something only westerners suffer with.” – Africa

Support is undoubtedly an extremely important factor and no support can do the just a family’s can. Having the support or understanding of a support system at the very least can go a long way. Sometimes families find it hard to accept your mental illness because it’s hard for them to consider it and not blame themselves or their actions for your current state.  Regardless, not having a support system can just aggravate your state of mind. If making your friends/family understands your mental illness is hard, consult a doctor. This is often easier said than done but it’s extremely important you address your mental illness. Like a broken knee or a high fever, living with your mental illness and not seeking attention can do a whole lot of bad because if you let it go on for two long, you won’t be the same person you were before the fall.

“You’re yelling at me, telling me I am not the child you expected while I am already wallowing in self-hate.” – Anon

  “So I do believe that I have OCD…and I actually do…most of it is very petty stuff but some of it makes me a bit scared like I cannot listen to my car stereo music in odd numbers. If I do I will crash and die. Well u get used to things like that; not so difficult just gotta adjust the volume. My family doesn’t really know this or even understand it. I once knew her a girl who was suffering from schizophrenia. It was intense. Her family knew and sort of didn’t give a shit about it. She used to imagine of being attached by random strangers and all that. Me and her we had this major attraction and really liked each other.” – UAE

It’s hard to talk about it. It’s even harder to put it down in an article but it needs to be said. It needs to be addressed and if no one wants to address it then it’s up to you to schedule an appointment with a doctor. It’s terrible to have to feel so alone in this and it must down right suck right now to feel unsupported through your times of need but it will make you a stronger person. Seek help online from reputed sites like 7 cups of tea if you’re not ready to talk to a person face-to-face or if you feel like you’re financially unable to seek appropriate therapy. You are one step closer to winning the battle against your mental illness by seeking help.

Opening Up About Mental Illnesses Growing up, the concept of a mental illness was always either romanticized, criticized, or both. You’re given the idea that a mental illness is beautifully flawed and easily lost when handled a particular way.

#change #immigrants muslim fashion newyork ny fashion fashionweek #abuse #anxiety #Art #Artists #books #CELEBRITY #culture #depression #diversity #Empowerment #Family #featured #feminism #gay #gender #high school #LGBT #Life #love #media #mental health #mental illness #never too late #new #possibilities #racism #rape culture #real life