#it’s a very lonely existence here

[greencarnation]

eleven is fascinating to me because he came right off the back of tens horrible traumatic breakdown after he lost everything and he immediately tried to establish himself as the opposite of that. he is funny and goofy and almost childlike, and he bulldozes on in his adventures with amy like nothing happened at all. but then something happens and his masks slips and it's like oh! the core of this man is still anger. he is so so angry all of the time and this façade is the only thing stopping him from being consumed by it. he isn't over any of it and he hasn't moved on. he is wearing a fez and laughing but under that all that exists is age old anger and grief and it is going to consume him

#i do think that this pit of anger was eventually covered and soothed by the ponds #but he didn't adress it and he couldn't even look at it until he was twelve #when he stopped pushing back and repressing everything and finally allowed himself to exist as he was #but ok listen #its all layed out in the first 3 episodes of season 5 and in the way amy sees him #episode 1. here is the new doctor he is energetic and reeling and fun #episode 2. the space whale comparison. here is the new doctor. he is unthinkably ancient and almost godlike but he is so so kind #and patient and good. he is ancient and lonely but he can't stand to see children cry. so the doctor helps people #episode 3. daleks. the doctor is a soldier. these are his age old enemies. he wants them dead and he will stop at nothing #all logic and reason vanish. he is hitting the dalek with a pipe and yelling his head off while amy watches in horror #like obviously we know why but amy didnt #this is not a sane or rational man he is unstable and angry #and in that episode he was stripped back to what he largely is: hate #you would make a good dalek ect ect ect #anyway 3 episodes with 3 very distinct and equally definitely traits layed out like: here you go #i don't like elevens era much but those first 3 episodes were great #doctor who #eleven #amy #eleventh doctor #matt smith #dr who #dw #i mean idk this is what river literally had to spell out for him #eleven was careening completely out of control #how long til doctor means warrior indeed? #mine

[ribbononline]

& every time it's you

#hardenshipping #magma leader maxie #aqua leader archie #gay people in every universe. do you get it #anyways this is very self indulgent LMAO this is just all my aus where they looked visiblly different enough in the portrait area #big fan of dropping beauty n the beast au into here without ever introducing it also #'why is maxie a furry in one' dont worry about it. he likes it actually! its fine #okay in order now #beauty and the beast au #not an existing tag thats fine #pmd au #splatoon au #also not an existing tag i think i never shared more abt that one other then the initial post here #admin au #2x! #ponyo au #and then just main verse :] meant to be the post oras designs but you cant really see it #also it remains so funny drawing OR admin au max because its like. that ones too happy thats not maxie #when you never went through your angry lonely sad mad development arc and you r actually capable of just showing you like things and #smiling genuinely without embarassment etc etc etc #max is meant to b taking a picture of them on his ipad on that one btw wwww

[mothbeasts]

happy fabricator friday. time for me to post fabbylaris content okay?? obligatory these are all my personal headcanons and some of it has little to no basis in actual canon, it's mostly just me expanding on things I think make sense. with that out of the way.

I think, in theory, that Solaris is one of the very few people who could convince the Fabricator to leave Zoraxis. If not the only one. I doubt the Fabricator has many outside support systems, and while she could turn to the Agency for help... I doubt it'd go well for her.

So that leaves Solaris. Someone she worked closely with for years. Half a decade, at the very least. It would be incredibly difficult for her to get away with the amount of loyalty to Zor she has, and the manipulation she has to have experienced, and the fear for her life... But Solaris leaving might have planted the seeds of doubt in her mind. There's nobody she trusts more, despite the rocky start their relationship had.

I like to think that Solaris was the first person in over a decade, besides Zor, to actually... Interact with the Fabricator in a generally positive way. Solaris never belittled her, or talked down at her, or made her feel like she wasn't worthy of her rank... Because despite her prominence in Zoraxis, I don't think the Fabricator truly has a seat at the table. And this isn't really new to her, she's far too accustomed to being looked down on, but... It stings. With Solaris, though, she's finally someone's equal. There's mutual respect. It's nice, being appreciated...

So of course if she wanted to leave she would seek out the one person who might not turn her away. What else would she have?

#bee's buzzing #ieytd #the fabricator #commander solaris #<- she's in here i promise i just talk about fabby more because. i know more about her than solaris in my mind #i get all of my solaris hcs from my tumblr mutual and friend savvy the-valiant-valkyrie. hi savvy youre so good at solaris posts #anyway i was gonna say. i think fabby's been at zoraxis for a VERY long time. like. decades. #and in that time she's only ever had zor. this was something zor did on purpose to keep her in their claws. #until she met solaris anyways. yuri win. #i also think that even before zoraxis her support system was abysmal. she cut all contact with her family the second she could- #- and she didn't have any friends in university. she's all alone out there. #and even outside of zoraxis in present day. sure she's probably somewhat well known. but nobody really KNOWS her. #she's just a bit of a celebrity. that has to be a lonely existence. i feel bad for her really. #^^^ all of this is me making shit up btw. if your fabby hcs are different thats cool this is like. my personal ideas and such

[ganymedesclock]

Okay so here's the take.

I don't trust people who hate kids, but I also don't trust people who refuse to believe that you can be bad with kids or incompatible with parents.

I don't trust people who hate kids, but I understand that on a root societal level people don't properly respect childcare as anything that can be difficult or kids as something you're allowed to not want to have or spend time with.

I don't trust people who hate kids, but I have patience and forgiveness for people who come to the point of saying they hate kids because they're not allowed to say "kids are fine, but not for me" because unless they turn this answer uglier and uglier people will keep trying to talk them out of it because having children is treated much like romance- nobody is allowed to think "that hard" about it or practice it in any sort of """aberrant""" manner but also everyone has to always do it because otherwise we'd have to independently negotiate our relationship with it and that's scary, so it gets turned into a norm that its most enthusiastic defenders all joke about hating anyway.

Kids cannot help but need you. They are not monsters. They're just humans at their most vulnerable. I think everybody should work to gain the skills to make cohabitation with children as mutually painless as possible. That's the baseline I think you can reasonably require as other people. Kids are in society, that's where they should be, and if you are driven to fury by this notion you may be exhibiting an intolerance of vulnerability that probably bleeds over into other areas of your life, maybe examine that.

Nobody is ever obligated to have kids, nobody is ever obligated to like being around kids, nobody is ever obligated to want kids. If someone doesn't think they'd be a good parent it is not your job to talk over this.

Producing a child isn't a badge that you're a real grown-up. (also, holy hell, fathers should have a meaningful stake in their kids' lives, but that's a different issue)

Nobody should have kids unless they earnestly and wholeheartedly commit to it and nobody should take it upon themselves to get on their friends', neighbors', relatives', acquaintances' case about So When Are You Gonna Change Your Mind And Have Kids

but don't take that out on the kids themselves, guys? Kids live in the same reality as adults but they have less experience, less control over where they're going or what they experience, and less ability to separate what's happening right now from what is true of all reality forever. This can be super frustrating to deal with from the outside but I guarantee it is worse from the inside.

#this post made by childcare gang #like ok. here is the thing. #virtually all child misbehavior consists of #1. 'I'm BORED and I can't leave this environment/didn't choose to be here so I'm looking for something to do' #2. 'I'm angry hurt or scared and I can't process this feeling very well so I'm going to lash out' #3. 'I'm lonely and want attention/I have a very fragile sense of self at this age and I don't know how to exist without someone focusing #on me; I need you to acknowledge that I'm playing on the monkey bars / bouncing a ball because this is how I ask to be okay' #and grown-ups do this all the time in ways we don't usually consider misbehavior because they have more resources to offset it

[south-sea]

(a drabble where i cry about the tragedy of mephiles)

~400 words

-

Solaris loved them.

At first, there were few. They would dance and sing and smile in the company of a small fire they had built, and Solaris would watch from behind the embers. These humans looked so big from down here. They were fascinating, endearing, inspiring, and Solaris found comfort in them.

Few became many. They cheered and told stories and passed down those stories to even tinier humans, and Solaris would watch from the fireplaces warming their dens. These humans looked so happy from back here. They knew each and every one of their names, and Solaris would greet each new name with a sunny day.

Many became incomprehensible. They built their towers and their altars and had their festivals, and Solaris would watch from behind a burning sun. These humans looked so small from up here. They were precious, fleeting things, and Solaris loved them.

These tiny, precious, fleeting things did not need to be told they were there. They knew. They knew. And they loved them for it.

When Solaris sang, the people knew. They felt it in the tender cradle of a sunset whose warmth would linger just a few minutes longer than it would anywhere else. When Solaris sang, the cold seas would warm and calm. When Solaris sang, the shadows and terrors of night would shrink back away from scared children in their beds, and gentle mornings would greet sleepless widowers with honeyed rays and dove song.

When the humans grew greedy for power and paper, Solaris still loved them. When the humans reached for more and still more and were never satiated, Solaris took pity on them. They provided, and provided, and the humans decided this was not enough. When the humans entitled themselves to their generosity and their mercy and their love, Solaris loved them still and wept.

It rained for three days and three nights when the humans took one thing too much.

When Solaris could love them no longer, the humans knew not what they had lost. The seas could not be quelled, the shadows were not without their nightmares, the mornings were not tranquil.

Still they had their festivals for a god they had slain, still they sang and danced and drank and ate and shivered at relentlessly cold nights.

Solaris had loved them. They had loved them. They had loved them.

Mephiles did not know the meaning of love.

#mephiles the dark #fics by sea #excerpt from a bigger thing about an au i'm working on with a friend that i'm not sure i can share here because it's So Much but like #the premise. is that mephiles eventually reverts to godhood due to a string of horrific and very personal events #after having prioritized shadow's safety over their own desperation to never be lonely again. #they overcome countless adversities in the name of (typical fantasy godlike) love that they had forgotten they still had #it is based out of semi-modern au so all of that is relevant too-- it's just that in this case #the event that makes the two realize they mutually care about each other is a bit too extreme to consider canon #because in returning to godhood mephiles makes the ultimate sacrifice and can never return and ceases to exist (for real this time) #but it was worth it because they loved them. they loved them

[lonely-dog-song]

im not necessarily bananas for conrad veidt but i would like to think i'm doign my part a bit with the occassional post

#lonely dog speaks #there is definitely a niche of tumblr of conrad veidt fans that i had no idea existed until recently #and its all because i found people who like the cabinet of dr caligari on pony town !!! 👍👍👍👍👍 #i like conrad but im very liek. reined in with my interests i THINK ??? its all very subjective but yeah #and BY THE WAY im running out of movie recommendations based on the presence of conrad veidt if anyone has any #i think watching other movies that the rest of the castof caligari has been in would also be neat #except for werner i dont care about him on his own #but hes in a few movies with conrad which is kinda cool #im intrigued when people are in the same movies together #YEAH. 👍👍 #looks at my queue. theres gifsets of guys in here

[vzajemnik]

im such a guy that needs to kill himself sooooo badly

#🗞️ #why cant i just be earnest and honest and also why does my existance bring me so much shame #i wanna text my parents and tell them that i wanna see them but i know theyll be very distant esp my mom when they see what i look like now #like i wish i had closure from them and i wish it was unconditional and i didnt need to change my whole appearance just to get it #i truly dont know what to do now. like i wanna go visit them so i dont kill myself but when im there im gonna get so unimaginably lonely and #more miserable than ever before #so i just sit here and do nothing and i dont respond to them so in turn they're worried about me and i feel even more guilty

[multifandomlandfill]

Watching the death note musical and man, I just want to give Light some tea and terrible unlicenced therapy.

#like. no i don't agree with him #but also i completely understand the mindset #fundamentally he's a disillusioned teenager who wants any way to fix what he sees #(and to do something exceptional and full of meaning instead of what he sees as a bland and empty existence) #and then he's handed a notebook that can kill people #because it happened to be him - in particular - of course it turned out that way #it's tragic #it makes you wish you could help him #and imo he's not very emotionally mature. A lot of his issues remind me of me at 14 #the guy was probably already tumbling headfirst into a mental health crisis #and you can absolutely cherry pick things he said and thought that make him seem like an absolute monster #and he definitely has lots of those traits that he Isn't Aware Of. but that's like. part of why you'd want to help him #and i feel like a lot of what L did was bring those traits out into the open for light #of course neither of them thought it was particularily wrong and the task force didn't pick up on it #but i think that's where some of the hatred comes from. not just that he's trying to stop Light #but also that he can see Light and is making Light aware of aspects of himself he'd rather not be #(insert homosexuality joke here even though that's not what I'm talking about) #remember that Light has been 'perfect' his entire life. #And everyone has said a million times over that the fact L sees him contributes to the weird sort of closeness they have #and why Light is so lonely after L's death #anyways all I'm saying is that it's tragic and while i doubt anything i could do would change it it makes me wish i could try #i love making fun of and criticizing Light as much as the next guy #but I guess today my brain decided to access the special Death Note Emotions

[cupidlakes]

i don’t like dream anymore and over the months it’s been hard to keep an interest in the ppl i do like bc he’s quite adjacent to my faves (obviously) it’s smth i used to really enjoy and appreciate but now it’s a very ???? moment bc it’s like what do i do LOL feeling quite sad wish i could hop back in time to peak dteam obsession turns out tumblr user georgeliker is an unironic geolo after all.. maybe no one is surprised

#i don’t say this to make anyone who likes him feel bad or smth it’s purely a personal thing just wondering if anyones been feeling the same #this is not like a burning bridges flying anti type thing #dteam used to be very treasured to me still kinda is in a way if not only bc of the fond memories #i’ve just moved on #and i still watch and immensely enjoy the gnf content that comes when it does #but i’m not burning for dnf content anymore #and irs weirdly lonely to not be in the same boat as my friends and mutuals feelings wise #that’s my little 6am ramble i can’t properly articulate rn #negative #(kinda) #dream neg #<- just for tagging it’s not meant to be scathing #this also serves as a mini explanation for why i’ve been very Gone for anyone that cares #it feels like smth i could easily consolidate like weewaa someone you’re not a huge fan of anymore is pretty closely tied to someone you #still enjoy a lot #Just ignore their existence or smth #but it’s been p weird to navigate #anyway i genuinely appreciate all of u that have been here throughout like #it’s been Awesome #hearts in chat #sorry to anyone this might disappoint but it’s a drop of honesty and it’s kinda nice to just get it out #still luv all my dream likers out there srsly

[lupismaris]

Right. Called friend to ask her and her husband to come hangout tomorrow evening so i have someone to grocery shop with and help 'round the kitchen for meal prepping/cleaning out foods i can't have for the next month with a big pasta night dinner. Asking for help sucks when people have shamed you for it all your life but i promise you it is freeing and essential. She didn't even hesitate she just said yeah sounds great they'll be by after seeing another friend earlier in the day what can they bring. Sometimes it's that simple.

Gonna get dressed. Try and hold off a cry. Order a pizza. Pick up pre rolls. Pick up pizza. Come home. Have a smoke. Eat something. Watch Craig!bond probably. Call with Dec. In some order.

Somewhere in the mix have the big weighty cry i feel building.

Bath. Another smoke. Back to bed.

#the bf and mil being gone for a week is honestly probably a good thing i occasionally need moments to remember how to function #when im not existing (hypothetically of course) for the service and care of others #like all my cooking and such is focused on feeding a family and all my habits are built around a household of people #so i rarely know what to do when im forced or allowed to live on my own for a while #so this should be a good thing and it is! once im through this weekend ill likely be a bit relieved in some ways #but deeply deeply lonely in others. because i dont have an established local support system yet i feel very isolated etc #and with my most reliable person not here during a very overwhelming and stressful time its frabkly terrifying #bot because i need him to do everything for me but because i am used to knowing that if something does go to shit #he is at least in the next room to hear me panic and cry or witness me need the help and try to step in #so thats where the panic is this week. its lonely and nerve-wracking not having my person within reach or even the same timezone

[pepprs]

about to spend my october doing the most sick and twisted insane diabolical shit i have ever done btw

#purrs #biting off about 5x more than i can chew but the thing im biting and chewing is a slice of the sweetest cake ever in existence that has been #egregiously ignored and overlooked and also there is frosting decorating it that says please eat me please please please im so desperate and #lonely. so i am going to. i think it might kill me though but i am going to. not this being the first organizing process i will have ever #undertaken at **** though 😭 the cringefail sniveling groveling aheem heem whimper of it all and the way that im 23 and a very recent alumna #being a legitimate threat and knock against me. but i am going to do it. i have never known REDACTED more deserving. iwhave never known a #slice of cake that has needed such biting and chewing. and i have been waiting to eat it for years and now i can so here i am! #food #<- just a metaphor but. yeah

[rotturn]

once i come back from my trip i think... there's gonna be some big changes

#theres a Lot of mutuals ive been trying to interact w who ignore me and a fair few I've stayed mutuals w #just bc it feels like i have to #and it has made tumblr feel. very lonely #i know this time of year just gets like that #but like. theres people who i used to be close to and talk to a lot who i can not get a reply from ic or ooc these days #and like people move on thats fine its just. idk it sucks #and i know im guilty of being slow sometimes and messages sometimes get missed if im overwhelmed but #i try very very hard to at least reply sometimes or acknowledge peoples posts/existence #but it only feels like 3 or 4 people actually want me here or want to talk to me #idk i love rping and i love being here but this is a collaborative hobby and it feels very much like everyones got people except me #the two people that i talk to every day mean the world to me i love u guys #but outside of those 2 and like 3 other people who like my posts i just feel. like im only a number in peoples follower counts #maybe come the end of jan people will be back online more and I'll feel better but idk #i just try so hard to be here all the time and have completely fucked my sleep schedule on Many occasions #just to hang out and talk w people and i throw my all into trying to be here and have friends and be interesting #and i guess im just. not? and it sucks but it is what it is i guese #i just wish that this wasnt such a lonely place bc im so tired of deleting a bunch of posts constantly bc they get no notes #and it makes me feel like my blog looks messy and bad for anyone new whos looking #i just constantly feel like i have to apologize for existing here and its not fair thats not what this is meant to be #i miss having friends here. people used to like me and im not sure what changed

[mooodyblue]

ignore me lol

#having one of those nights where i'm very very miserable #like the constant guilt of just being me in my situation here at home barely getting to leave the house #not being able to work because i have no transportation #having to rely on bits of online work i can find online just to like have lunch with a friend #can't even drive we have one car my dad won't help me get my license #can barely do my online work because we haven't had wifi in weeks and a lot of it i need my laptop for :( #like writing is all i have now this is the only thing keeping me from losing my mind and doing some dumb shit #and im like .. is this going to be my life forever cause this shit has been going on for many many years now #and i just don't want people thinking i /want/ to be living this way i literally don't #like it's crazy i have to wonder like why am i existing if im just locking myself in my room all day everyday #all of this combined w my trying to control my ** it just does not help at all #idk i just want to be normal i want to have a life i wanna enjoy my life #but knowing it's going to be awhile before i do just makes me dread waking up every morning #im just so sad and lonely and miserable and this is all i have going for me #idk #sorry for the long vent #but it is true everyone i am in fact a loser #alright lemme shut up lol

[sexybabystevie]

how you know things are bad - i deeply miss dean winchester

#this is your warning these tags are personal and highly bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #em speaks #spn #no but like he GETS it. he's literally objectively the most fucked up guy ever and he GETS it #he has no self worth and does everything for everyone else and cares way too much about things to the point that he makes poor choices #and he's lonely and he would do anything for the ones he loves and all he wants is peace!! #he's angry and he's passively suicidal - like its the only and most obvious answer to anything - and he had to do terrible things just to #take care of sam when he was only a child!!!!! #god. just god #sorry to everyone here these are the unfortunate reasons why i relate to this man #just a big tbh i attached onto him so quickly because he made very concerning suicidal remarks in s4 and i nearly sobbed because i didnt #know it was capable for me to feel seen by someone who didnt even exist but at least it was someone??? #im pathetic i know #and im rambling i know #but i watched that scene and i got it. and i was in the most shitty mental place ever (which i am. again) and ofc thats why i wanna rewatch #so maybe i pathetically feel a little less alone #:") #anyway this was way too personal and if i can remember then im deleting this later. im sorry if you had to see this #tw mentally ill #tw suicide #tw vent

[martyrbat]

forming parosocial relationships with the people in the medical book </3

#okay so. #its from 1917 and very dated but its so fascinating hearing the theories and practices #and then it having photographs and illustrations based on the writers experiences and exposure to different cases #and i got a little habit forming of just... mentally thanking them #like a subconscious 'thank u my friend' #for their involvement and how thwy played a factor and part in the advancement of science and knowledge #like even if its just a fraction of a sand grain in the vast dessert. its a fraction that influences all around it. #like !!! thats all lives ! long gone ! but it was actual lives that were here and played a factor and influence ! #i hope they knew theyll be remembered even if i will never know their names and story. they were important than important now #<- this is all said from someone who would sneak out at 13 and walk to the nearest graveyard to talk to the forgotten tombstones #because i was terrified at the idea that ghosts can exist/some consciousness and theyd feel lonely or forgotten #everyone deserves a friend u know? leave some flowers to a stranger. tell another u hope theyre at peace and are well. say hello & goodbye #its 10 pm. still tired. still constantly in love with humans and strangers and friends and eventually the mirror #i want to take everybody by the shoulders and shake them as i yell that i love them #alive or dead. the dead that feel alive. the live that feel dead just !! #i love you ! i love you ! i love you ! i know you and i love you ! youre a stranger and i love you !!! #these tags are all over the place #and doesnt make sense but ur all used to it by this point #im gonna read and get a shower and tuck myself into bed. remind myself i love myself too even if i dont rly believe it (yet) #crypt callings #probably delete later #depends how embarrassed i am on this word dump and oversharing hehdh

[lacecap]

if you can think of one (or multiple) songs that describe you, what would it be?

i like this question :-] i have a number of songs that i feel very strongly about i.e. particle resonance with my soul. ill elaborate more in the tags

strobe light & i care because by siinamota

sono inochi by kaho nakamura

nurse them make a fire feed yourself express your mirth & oyosute aina by masakatsu takagi

a guitar i cant play in one hand by nekobolo

#anything by siinamota is a fairly obvious choice. strobe lights here specifically because it was predictably the first siina song ive #listened to. that and also iwas fairly obsessed with it and the mv as a kid. i have a loooot of doodles of space cat in the margins of all #my notes from middle school :'') i care because on the other hand is just a very precious song to me #its exceedingly fragile and hopeful. theres so much hope in that song. i think wanting to exist solely so you can convey something to #someone. somewhere. in of itself is already an exceedingly fragile and beautiful kind of hope #sono inochi is a song that completely transcends language for me it is Literally the definition of pure unadulterated joy #communal joy. i deeply recommend listening to any live versions of it that you can find. its such a warm and kind song #anything and everything that takagi makes comprises the complete essence of everything that i hope to embody #there is such a deeply profound love of life and humanity itself to be found in all of his work #nurse them & make a fire is one of my favorite tracks from him. i especially love the part where the instrumentals calm down #and you just hear sounds of people... existing.. laughing.. etc. its very beautiful #oyosute aina is one of my other favorite tracks of his. i feel so deeply that its the incarnation of everything i want to convey #and lastlyyyy nekobolo. :) #hikenai guitar is a very hauntingly beautiful song to me. i think songs about songs are always very hauntingly beautiful #theyre lonely by definition but only because the song itself wants nothing else than to be conveyed to someone else #songs exist to be listened to etc etc #anyways. wonderful ask thank you so much for sending this