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#it would be nice to at least have another trans person to talk to :
dedalvs · 1 month
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what does Imeimei mean? are you somebody's meimei?
In 2001 I started work on a language called Kamakawi. In it, there is a word mei which means "to stay". Meimei means something like "to be left over", "to still be around". Imeimei means "leftovers", or "that which remains". At the time, this Tumblr was whatever I wasn't doing on other social media platforms. Now it is, rather prophetically, one of the only ones I have left, and I'd really rather not leave it.
Speaking of Tumblr and what's been going on very recently, I'd like to say that trans individuals have the right to exist, the trans community has the right to exist, and addressing someone how they wish to be addressed isn't as big an imposition as it's made out to be. After all, most of the time if you're addressing someone directly, you don't have to worry about pronouns, because we have the all-encompassing, all-gender, all-number pronoun YOU that rather neatly takes care of everything. The only time you really have to worry about pronouns is when you're talking about someone, at which point you can decide how much of an ass you want to be. It would be nice, though, if when we decide to insult someone, we insulted them based on what they do or say, rather than what they are, and it should be taken as the very bare minimum of decency to refer to someone how they want to be referred to. Much of the discussion we all have as humans about other humans occurs without the knowledge of those we're referring to, so frankly, misgendering someone in private conversation doesn't hurt them: it makes you look either ignorant or vile—or both. Mistakes happen, of course (in fact, I'd wager every single person on the planet has been misgendered at least once, cis or trans or nonbinary. I'm a cismale and always have been, but I've gotten my shares of accidental "ma'am"'s in a store), and mistakes are fine, but they should be genuine, honest mistakes, not "mistakes" ("Oh, my stars, did I use those pronouns? Oh, how clumsy of me!"), and certainly not intentional. I don't have any other way to say it: It really is the bare minimum of common decency, and being basically decent to one another should be a goal we all strive towards.
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Long Term Love with Azumane Asahi
Pairing: Azumane Asahi/Trans Male reader Warnings: Mentions of Dysphoria, references to sex Summary: Despite growing up together, despite dating since before middle school started, despite everything really, sometimes how much Azumane loves you still catches you off guard.
You've spent your whole life with Asahi, or at least all of it that your remember, he's been your next door neighbor since elementary school and your boyfriend since the summer of your fifth year. Every major milestone has been spent together. Everything that there is to feel with another person has been felt, and still, despite it all, Asahi still sweeps you off your feet. Often without meaning to. He's always been bigger than you, and when you first met him it was terrifying. You thought he was older than you, and like most older kids, was going to terrorize you, but he didn't. And once you found the bravery to stop hiding behind your mother and talk with him things changed. You learned he was in your grade, although not your class, and you went to the same school. He sought you out after that. He'd never met someone with so many things different from him and he found you interesting. You balanced each other out, his calm and quiet eased your rough and tumble tendencies. Listening as you shouted your way through arguments you could have won if he hadn't pulled you away, letting you get the anger out before finishing your walk home.
You like to think you were the one that fell first, Asahi will argue this point until he's blue in the face, but privately, you're certain. It was when you were finally sure of yourself, when you knew you were a boy not a girl. When after months of fearing what he would say you bit the bullet and brought it up. He was confused and after a lengthy explanation on your end he only smiled. "It... I'm glad you told me, but it doesn't change things between us. I'll be by your side as long as you'll have me Y/N, that's what friends are for." He put an arm over your shoulder keeping you close, "And now we can get you on the boys team for real." You couldn't help the laugh that escaped you at that, because of course that would be his main concern, "I am perfectly content watching from the bleachers thanks."
Asahi is the one that confessed first, and even then it was more of him stating a thought than revealing anything. It just came out and it felt like the world froze for a moment. You could still remember what you were doing at the time. You were both in Asahi's room going over the pros and cons of different high schools and you had made a comment about how you could pull off the Karasuno boy's uniform and probably pass in it and how nice it would be to finally just be seen as you were without having to explain things. "You know you'd look good in anything right? You don't have to say you like the uniform just because I wanna go to school there. I would still love you just as much even if we went to different schools." He didn't look up from his brochure until after you'd been staring at him for quite a while. It was only after he caught your eye that he seemed to realize what he said. "You love me?" You echo, and he nods too embarrassed to speak and you grinned, "Oh thank god, because I've had a massive crush on you since middle school." He goes red and just laughs. Things don't change too much after that since you and Asahi where already pretty free with your affections.
It's your third year and Asahi has finally rejoined the team and you were back to sitting in the bleachers as you watched practice instead of avoiding the building all together. It was nice, even if the first years were a bit much. After they'd interrogated Asahi they had moved onto you. What position do you play? I don't. Then why are you here? To support my boyfriend, and the rest of the team. Why haven't we seen you around before? Because Asa just came back. It went on and on until the warm up whistle, and without a second thought Asahi kissed the top of your head and jogged off to meet the rest of the team. And you just stood there a little uselessly for a moment, overwhelmed with affection. Then its finals season and you can't remember the last time you slept. You had to study, you had to make sure Asahi studied because you were pretty sure Takeda wasn't kidding about barring anyone with failing marks from the away games and that would break Asahi all over again and you just got him back. And then there is a cup of green tea where your studying materials had just been. It snaps you back to yourself and you look up to see Asahi standing beside your desk with a smile. "Let's have some tea, stretch a little, and then come back to this." You agree, even though you know what is going to happen after you stretch is definitely not going to be studying, and sleep will follow soon after, and tomorrow you'll try again with similar results. Finals will go fine as they always do.
Then, they're standing on the top of the world and you couldn't be prouder. The bubble bursts of course when a reckless reporter refers to you as Asahi's girlfriend. It hasn't happened in years, but the offhand remark already has your skin feeling too tight. Everyone that needs to know does, and Asa had corrected the reporter with surprising sternness, but the damage had been done. But before you can retreat too far, there is Asahi. Bent to your level with a serious expression. "Don't mind her." He says, and you almost snap about how it's not that easy, "It's hard I know. But i am with you and I will remind you how ever many times it takes that you are the boy i have loved my whole life."
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starheirxero · 5 months
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do you. want to talk about body horror with tsams eclipse? cause boy howdy im having thoughts
YES I WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THAT ACTUALLY!!!!
Eclipse’s entire existence is body horror to me in a way I can’t quite properly convey. He never had his own body, he was always inhabiting someone else’s, and the only time he ever looked like himself when was he was cloaking someone else’s body with the star which hurt him badly.
He’s a direct split of Moon, so when he first woke up, he looked at himself and knew he looked wrong. He heard himself and knew he sounded wrong. And never again from that point forward does he ever get to relish in that feeling of a right body again. He just… gets used to being wrong. He gets used to having a flawed existence.
I had a whole ramble about this in my friend’s discord and I talked about how it probably only amplifies his control issues too, because while it may be one thing to control the people around you and the person you possess, it’s another thing to control how you look I think. Like maybe my “Eclipse can be used as a trans metaphor” is showing here, but I truly don’t think it ever helped him to look at his hands and know they aren’t his.
Like, surely there had to be moments where it occurred to him that he had never lived in a body that was built for him, meant for him, and looked like him. Surely there had to be moments where the feeling of always being the unwelcome other in a body crushed him. Surely he had to think at least once that it would be nice to have a body that is a home rather than a temporary stepping stone to survival.
As far as Eclipse is concerned, all having a body is body horror……..
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catbountry · 22 days
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One of these days I'm gonna get completely zonked and write out an entire fucking essay on why Mister Metokur sucks and I don't like him, but I feel like I could just say "he kickstarted the internet dumpster fire that was GamerGate" and have justified my position completely.
So fucking tired of orbiting communities that talk about internet weirdos/drama and seeing creators kiss the fucking ring of some guy just because he's got a voice for radio and surrounds himself with people who are stupider than he is so he can toss them aside as soon as they inevitably do some stupid bullshit that he can make fun of and feel justified in doing so, like Sargon of Akkad and Ethan Ralph, all while lamenting that internet culture has changed since the 2000's and people on the internet like furries now more than they like otaku.
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Oh yeah and he's using James Somerton's suicide note as an opportunity to expose Hbomberguy for shit he did nearly two decades ago and shame him for "troll's remorse." If I didn't highly suspect that this is another ploy by James to manipulate people into feeling sorry for him, I'd probably be more disgusted, but it proves this man just operates on pure spite. Like yeah, I get it, overly-performative troll's remorse is fucking cringe, but you're on a podcast with Null making jokes about "stinkditches" and saying unambiguously racist shit while laughing (in a video conveniently deleted from YouTube from September 17th, 2022). And if it weren't for Jim's army of asskissers, I'd probably be way more open about this sort of thing. But who's even reading my Tumblr at this point anyway?
The first time I remember being alarmed by him was that video he did on that creepy pedo who looked at photos of kids in bathtubs, and he was in a call with this guy and some girl said pedo was friends with, and Jim lost his patience and called her a "hole" and to shut up. People kiss Metokur's ass over this video. I don't even know if any action, criminal or otherwise, was taken against the dude and it was just an exercise in lording not being a pedophile over some deeply disturbed guy who probably had some kind of mental disability.
I am pretty much always going to have a fixation on strange internet people, internet drama, and horrifying nightmare people given unrestricted internet access. This is a character flaw of mine. I have tried to view these people more fairly in recent years, though to be honest, there's quite a few of them that are pretty goddamn hard to feel sorry for. But I also recognize a lot of my fascination was probably, at least partially, trollshielding; if I join in with the people making fun of these people, that means I won't be a target. It was a survival strategy learned from childhood and I'm not proud of it. But I also can't do the full troll's remorse because some of those people I talked shit about really were awful people. That doesn't make it okay when I would be snarky and judgemental towards people that didn't deserve it. Trying to stop a pedophile or helping shed light on a zoosadism ring doesn't make you a good person because even bigots hate pedos and people that torture animals. Congratulations on having the faintest resemblance of a conscience, it'd be nice if you could show that same outrage on behalf of black people and trans women. But we know you ain't doin' that.
Also I swear to god if somebody refers to him as "daddy Jim" and they're not taking the piss I'm gonna give them such a pinch.
P.S. James is very likely alive, btw. Who could have seen the serial liar and manipulator telling lies and emotionally manipulating people?
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desperate-daydream · 8 months
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🏐 Haikyuu
❀ Aone Takanobu x (trans) male reader ⚣︎
A/N: gods, I just love side characters. tbh, I’m mostly just projecting myself and my imaginations on that (but which writer didn't do that at least once) XD
tags/warnings: reader is tanaka’s brother (could also be adopted) & a dancer, set in season 2 episode 19, Miyagi Spring Qualifier Quarterfinals (at least that's what fandom wiki says, I hope that it's right)
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Hey, lovebirds
It was a match from the Miyagi Spring Qualifier Quarterfinals - Aoba Johsai and Date Tech were playing - and the second set with a two-point-lead by Seijou. The third-grades of Date Tech just came running on the bleachers. 
“What’s the score?” They arrived at the rail and looked down at the still ongoing game. “Oh damn. Who won the first set?” 
“Ehm”, a voice came from behind them. It was the captain of Karasuno with his whole team. “Seijo won the first one.” 
“What, Karasuno?!”, Moniwa said, “Oh, hello. Good to see you.” They greeted each other and of course, Sasaya immediately had to restrain the former vice Kamasaki. That’s when they were noticed by other members of their school that they joined. 
The game went on with the third-grades as well as Karasuno tensely watching. After a few other points another person came running on the bleachers and immediately towards the rails to look at the score. 
Tanaka saw who it was and looked behind him to see his sister calmly stroll towards them. 
“Hey!” When you heard his voice you immediately turned around and faced him. 
“Oh, hey Ryu”, you grinned when you saw your brother sitting there with his usual attitude and rebellious grin. He informed you about the winner of the first set and then noticed the questioning looks of his teammates except for a few of them - especially Noya who had met you several times before already because of their friendship.
“Ugh, guys, this is my brother, (Y/N).” 
You chuckled, “Hi, nice to meet you. Is it so bothersome to introduce me?” The question was directed at your brother. 
“Huh, yeah, yeah, actually it is”, he answered grinning. It was usual for you two to bug each other like that. That’s also when your older sister Saeko arrived. “Oh, come on boys!” She tried to throw her arm around you to get you in her side-clasps but you were already trained and easily ducked away. 
Fortunately for you, the third-graders of Date saw and waved at you so you could scurry to them.
“Why have we never seen him at games before?”, Yamaguchi asked curiously. 
“Because he also has training most of the time.” 
“Oh, does he play volleyball too?”, Hinata spoke excitedly. You weren’t really tall, just like him, so he was really interested if you were a player as well. But Ryu and Saeko laughed a little. 
“Nah, look at his bag”, Ryu pointed at you standing next to Moniwa at the rails. It was a sports bag and shoes were hanging on the side of it. Which was noticeable is that it wasn’t only one pair but three different ones - two of which most of the boys haven’t seen anything about before. “He’s a dancer.” 
“Ahhhh”
“Ok, but why is he standing here now and talking to Date’s former captain?”
Now Tanaka began to scowl and Sakeo chuckled as she sat down. “Because Aone is his boyfriend”, the young woman answered. 
Many of their glances quickly went from you to the mentioned player and back again. “Reallyyyy?!”, Hinata was wide eyed looking down at the middle blocker before grinning, “Cooool!”
Daichi and Suga chuckled when they saw Ryu’s expression. “Why are you scowling?”, Daichi asked while still grinning. “Do you not like Aone?”, Suga continued. 
“He’s super protective of (Y/N)!” Noya saw his chance and took it. 
“Aone is.. alright, I guess”, Tanaka mumbled. The others kept on bugging him a bit but quickly turned back to the game that will decide who would be their next opponent. 
Meanwhile you were standing on the rail and watching closely while occasionally cheering your boyfriend on. He had noticed you already and you could’ve sworn that he had smiled a little bit. 
The game was really exciting and in the end Seijou won. You saw the third years’ shoulders slump down and them letting their heads hang. You sighed and let your head hang too. 
When Date’s team quickly came to stand in front of the bleachers you made eye contact with Taka giving him a comforting smile. Then you signaled him to meet you outside in the halls. You turned around to go meet him. But before you went down you shortly hugged your sister and gave your brother a light slap on the head - which he tried to return but you could duck away - to say goodbye for the day. You’d be driving back in Date Tech’s team bus and staying at Aone’s for the night. 
You went towards each other and let the others go past you both before you hugged him tightly. “You okay?”, you looked up at him with your arms still around each other and let your chin rest on his chest. The height difference between you two was kinda funny.
He gave you a little nod but he was still wearing that sad frown. 
“You were great.” This made a soft look appear in his eyes that possibly only you came to see and know what it meant. 
“Hey, lovebirds”, you heard Futakuchi shouting, “Come on, you can make out later. We’re gonna go to the bus now.” Aone’s team mates laughed. You stuck out your tongue towards them but let go of your boyfriend. 
While you went to follow the team Takanobou linked your pinkies like he often did when you walked together. 
On the bus you sat next to each other and Aone let his head rest on yours that you had placed on his shoulder. You took his hand intertwining your fingers and rested on your lap. The bus was rather quiet - exhaustion and sadness because of the lost game were the primary feelings. Your boyfriend let out another sigh. 
“Hey, Taka?”, you whispered with your eyes closed. You felt the rumble from his body as he let out a low “Mh?”.
“You’re free from training tomorrow, right?”
“Mhm.” 
“You wanna go somewhere then? I also got nothing tomorrow.”
“Mhm. Decide tomorrow?”, his voice was so low it send a wave of goosebumps over your skin. 
“Mhm.” You felt yourself doze off - your training and the excitement to make it to the game had taken a lot of energy from you too. Soon everyone except for the adults was sleeping. 
When you arrived your boyfriend shook you awake gently. 
“Hey, (Y/N)”, his voice was still hushed and even a little deeper than earlier. 
On the way to his mom’s car, who was so nice to pick you both up from school, your arm found his place around his middle while he placed his on your shoulders. 
After eating you both went upstairs to his room to get ready for bed. Aone laid down on top of his blankets and got out his phone while you still searched through his closet for one of his hoodies. You quickly changed into it after finally finding what you searched for and flopped down on top of your boyfriend. 
“Oof”, he played as if you were heavy enough to crush his brick of a body in any way. 
You chuckled and kissed his cheek. A smile that only you got to see appeared on his lips. 
His hand went to cup your cheek to pull you closer and kiss you properly. You sighed happily and let yourself fall into the kiss. 
After you parted, you snuggled close to him and placed your head in the crook of his neck. That way you fell asleep like many times before already.
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nerdasaurus1200 · 1 year
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I saw Dragon Prince season 4 and hoo boy do I have thoughts (in no particular order)
First off, it's adorable how much of a magic nerd Callum is. He's grown so much and become so much stronger in two years
Stella is baby. She's living her best life with her cuddlemama and future cuddle papa. Speaking of, let Callum becalled a cuddlepapa by himself or Rayla next season
Zym and Ezran have grown up so much and it both breaks and warms my heart
Okay, so Rayla is a Dragonguard. Good to know.
Terry is my son now. I adopted him, he's mine.
I feel like Callum is just a little bit jealous of Stella getting love from Rayla
“The other elves saw me as a doe, but I knew. I always knew that I was a buck. I..chose the name Terrestrius.”....This line here. This line is gonna stick with me forever. I honestly didn't expect them to outright tell or show us Terry is trans but I'm so glad. That's gonna mean so much to trans kids watching this show. And the fact that Viren has no problems with it at all makes it even more special. Although Terry's wording makes me wonder if someone in his family didn't accept him.
Oh man I just read his wiki page and apparently Terry is still mid transition
I'm calling it now, that girl that figured out Araavos is Harrow and Ezran's descendant
Well, at least we know how loyal Terry is to Claudia.....someone get this poor boy a mug of hot cocoa, a blanket, a hug, and a therapist; he's earned it. He was 100% having a panic attack
"I'm gonna feel all the feelings!" THAT'S RIGHT YOU GO MY FUNKY BOY
I KNEW IT! I KNEW RAYLA'S PARENTS WERE IN THE COINS!GOD POOR RAYLA! ETHARI AND CALLUM ARE GONNA LOSE THEIR SHIT!
Hot damn, Ezran's speech combined with Ibis and Claudia fighting was powerful...that whole scene really encapsulates what the entire show is about, I think
Zubeia gets more and more badass with every episode
I wasn't expecting the chocolate tart to be brought back but it's nice that Rex Igneous liked it. Although how could he taste so much of such a little thing?
Ohhhhh wait, I just got that! Rex means king, he's KING Igneous!
Oh man I had no idea Ezran's crown is made from Harrow's sword
That possesion scene was straight up creepy, I honestly thought Callum died for a second
Speaking of creepy, I never wanna see snake Claudia again, please and thank you
I know Callum is angry at Rayla but he needs to talk to her, really. I feel like he's using the possession thing as an excuse to not talk about their relationship. Like, I do think he's genuinely shaken up by it but he's choosing to focus on that because it's easier
Soren...god, Soren has changed so much. In just 3 years, this boy has gone from picking fights with dragons and being eager to kill them to not being able to turn away from a dragon in need. He even shed his armor for her. Season 1 Soren would NEVER have done that in a million years
Another thing S1 Soren would never do is that talk with Claudia. Man, that was deep.
Also I love Soren's new look, I feel like it suits him way better than his knight armor
I dunno why I expected an out of the gate dramatic conversation when Soren found Claudia. Although I am glad we still got them having that conversation
I will say though, I do wish we got more of a reaction to Terry from Soren
Can Squeaky return next season as Soren's dragon pal? Please? he's the only one that doesn't have an animal companion
"I wanna spend the last month traveling with my daughter, the most important person in the world to me" I....it's nice that you're finally learning to not be a jackass Viren, but did you forget that you have a son??? Is Soren just chopped liver to you?
That said, I do appreciate that Viren has changed. I feel like he's definitely not gonna become immortal.
Regarding Claudia's speech about human suffering....either she's been fed TONS of propaganda by Araavos or she's taking it way too personally after all this time. Like, girl, you have an elf boyfriend, calm down
Awww the return of big feelings time!
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minggukieology · 10 months
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hey hey 👀🤫
came online very randomly to check what's new and i see i missed another no.1 jimin fan exclusive broadcast... 🥹 it feels nice like this though, checking back in after a week or two and seeing jikook remain as precious as ever 💓
in order to catch up i searched for some uploads on yt and came across this army who (at least according to her and the related comments) claims to have written the comment jungkook read out loud and told the rainy day fight story
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she also mentions now it would be nice to hear jimin's side too, since he promised to talk about it and hasn't yet and i agree ;_;
(just fyi: i saw some k-kookminers claim the account that sent the comment was a "kookmin5813" account but i have a hard time believing it and i don't see why this person would lie, alas i don't really have any time to fully verify this but either way i would like to urge you to be always careful and not spread misinfo 🙏)
on another note the translations i've seen going around about jungkook's specific recollection of the incident have been roughly correct since they were typically not verbatim (from those i found) many are waiting for official trans but try to keep in mind they don't always include every side note jungkook mentions or the specific verbiage (so they are never truuuly complete, there is always a kor->eng trade off)
i enjoyed my short check in to kookie being our precious kookie, he looks happy and healthy!!🥹 can't wait for his album!!
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Support Group - a.f.s
Pairing: FTM! Adam Stanheight x FTM! Reader Requested? Yes! Need more t4t adam x reader requests ASAP!!! [ Warnings: mentions of the bathroom trap (Adam survives), trauma, grief, loss of a best friend (my way of grieving my friend tbh), use of marijuana and cigarettes.] Ratings: R (18+)
Summary: You meet Adam at an LGBTQ+ grief and trauma support group, becoming friends with the fellow trans man.
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You met Adam at a queer grief and trauma support group.
Honestly, it was the last place you ever expected to find yourself, but in the wake of losing your best friend in a car accident, you felt it was right to at least try something to help with the grieving process.
You found out about the support group through an ad in the local newspaper. You were surprised to see something targeted for the LGBTQ+ community, and it worried you initially, but once that worry subsided, you made an appearance.
Groups were held every Sunday at your local community center.
You showed up wearing a transgender symbol pin.
You sat in an uncomfortable folding chair in the circle as other members talked amongst themselves.
The group began, everyone going around the room introducing themselves by name, pronouns, identity and one fun fact.
When your turn came around, you said your name, pronouns, gender identity, sexual orientation and one fun fact about yourself.
Then, there was another man who revealed himself to be transgender, transitioning the same way as you.
When you heard this, your gaze met his as he shot a soft smile your way. You returned the smile with one of your own.
You learned his name is Adam, he's bisexual and he survived one of the Jigsaw traps.
Gasps were heard across the room, but nobody pressed the matter. Everyone said, as they did whenever anyone was done sharing, "Thanks for sharing."
After the group, Adam approached you, reintroducing himself.
You two shook hands.
You admired how soft they felt, as they looked like they'd feel rough.
"I swear, it's impossible to find other trans guys in this area. I'm amazed to have met you on my first day." Adam says, pouring himself some coffee from the cheap coffee machine provided by the group. You pour yourself a cup too, grateful to feel the warmth spread across your hands.
You asked if Adam wanted to grab lunch. He smiled so wide and agreed.
"Mind if I have a cigarette before we go?"
He gave you one and you smoked outside of the building, sharing small details about each other.
You and Adam agreed to get lunch at a cheap pizza spot three blocks down south.
As you walked, you and Adam were deep in discussion.
Once arrived at the pizza place, you and Adam sit at a booth and order drinks.
"How long have you been out?" Adam asks once the waiter walks away.
You share your coming out story, Adam holding strong eye contact as he nodded along, evidently listening intently.
Once you finished your story, you asked for his, and he shared his, you listening equally as intently.
You talked about your personal lives over food, splitting the check and walking out of the pizza parlor once finished.
"This was really nice. Can I get your number so we can do this again sometime?" You ask. Adam beams and nods. You exchange numbers and part ways.
Later that night Adam called you and asked if you wanted to attend the group together next week. You happily said yes.
The following week, you and Adam met for breakfast at a cafe across the street from the community center.
You and Adam shared more stories from your youth, talking about what it was like to be transgender in high school, learning that Adam was only two grades above you in the same school. You both commented how shocking it was that you never crossed paths in school.
After breakfast, you two head to the support group and sit next to one another.
The funny thing was, is that you and Adam hardly shared in the group. You two would listen carefully with what everyone was saying, but you two hardly chimed in to share your own lives.
However, that didn't stop you and Adam from confiding in each other.
Not too long after you and Adam became friends did he open up about his trauma with the trap.
He was initially evasive, beating around the bush.
But one night he got very emotional and vulnerable, telling you the story from start to finish, and how destroyed he was that Dr. Lawrence Gordon left him in the room, what felt like, to rot.
You listened closely and did your best to console Adam as he cried, rocking himself back and forth as he tried to compose himself.
"Can I hug you, Adam?" You ask.
Without a second thought, he flings himself into your arms, sobbing into your chest as you rub his back.
After that night, Adam was attached to you.
He felt like he could trust you with anything, and all his walls fell down as he began to tell you more and more about himself.
A week after he told you about the bathroom trap, you confided in him about the loss of your best friend, it being his turn to hold you as you sob. He rubbed your back and played with your hair as he listened to you. Tears fell from his own eyes as he heard your heartbreak.
"Honestly, I thought after the trap I'd never trust anyone ever again. But I'm so glad I met you, (Y/N)." Adam says that night. You agree, saying how after your best friend died you thought you'd never make another friend again, yet here you are growing closer and closer to Adam everyday.
Overtime, you became his best friend and he became yours, the two of you always going out before or after support group and hanging out on days you didn't have it. Adam always shared his cigarettes with you and you always shared your food with him. He would often take pictures of you, telling you you were his new muse.
You were so grateful to have such a trustworthy new friend, and he was grateful to have you.
Adam didn't want it to happen, but it was so hard not to: he caught feelings for you shortly after he began to trust you.
All the time spent with you made him feel on cloud nine, he felt like you two had an unmatched connection and he knew you were the one for him.
But he was too proud to say anything.
Until one night you came over with joints for you two to share, as a dispensary opened up in town.
Adam was thrilled.
You two smoked in the park across the street from the apartment, stargazing as the clear night sky was the only witness to your evening.
After two joints and deep high discussions, Adam turns to you with a smile, eyes low lidded and teeth visible as he grins at you.
"You're my favorite person, (Y/N). I don't know where I'd be without you."
And before you knew it, Adam's lips were on yours, sharing a sweet kiss under the stars, his hand cupping your face as your lips move together.
And from that night forward, Adam was yours, and you were his, and it was just the two of you against the world, taking on whatever came your way: together.
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cebwrites · 2 years
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with a clingy s/o (law, ace)
law...... 💖💕💞🥺 //holds head in gay little hands 
masc reader, he/they law, trans ace word count: 1.1k
Law
Not that they’d admit it, but Law’s grown to appreciate having a partner who can come and go freely from their personal space without fanfare
Maybe not at first, with there being a tough period where Law would almost recoil at any express or prolonged amounts of affection, but these days it’s a form of comfort - taking the pressure off him to be the one who initiates the physical comfort he’s deprived themself of for years under some silly notions of toxic masculinity ‘piracy’ but so desperately needs
They can count on you to be at their side whenever you need it, fulfilling both of your needs, although if Law was going through a mood where they need some space, he’d tell you and send you off with a kiss on the cheek or forehead as an apology
The Doc always makes it up to you, though, it just might take a while
He likes the feeling of your hands against his skin, and theirs on yours; while sex is nice, just as important are the times where the two of you just hold one another, topless in bed with your arms around each other’s bodies, talking about anything and everything, comfortable enough for them to even crack a smile that you don’t mention - only smiling back and kissing them with all the love and warmth he makes you feel
Law’s developed a habit of grazing his goatee against the crook of your neck first thing in the morning, or whenever his disastrous internal clock manages to haul them out of bed honestly, just to hear you squeal at him about how it tickles and perhaps even take in the comfort of your scent
If anyone else happened to see or god forbid comment on it, Law at first would immediately clam up again and you wouldn’t see affection from the captain for at least a week; but these days, now that they’re much more secure in their feelings for you and your relationship, snickers and teases are simply met with a middle finger while Law buries his face for a little longer
When Law does wake up at a reasonable time, or at least at the same time as you, he likes shaving in the morning while you brushed your teeth beside him, neither of you quite awake yet but still showing subtle hints of affection when you bump hips or shoulders
When you offer to help him and it’s the rare occasion where Law agrees, or Law returns the favor by taking care of your morning stubble without the need to ask them - he does, however, tell you to stop grinning like an idiot before they accidentally nick you
Any number of years ago, before you became such a staple fixture in their life, Law would’ve simply shambles the unwanted hair off his face, but now that he’s found himself in this routine, along with all the other quirks they’ve built around you, they’ve grown fond of the domesticity
Perhaps the only downside to all of this saccharine affection to Law, though, is that when you crawl in his lap while Law’s working away in their office, you’re... broad enough to cover his workspace entirely, meaning they’ll either shambles you out, or have to put a pin in work for the moment to cuddle
You get your way more than he’d admit, but don’t push it or brag, lest those opportunities start to dwindle
Ace
Another incredibly touch starved boi, but far more vocal and not to mention shameless about it
‘Course, Ace wouldn’t say it in so many words in the company of others, especially with how teasing his own crew (mutiny, he’d cry) and the WB pirates can be, but his little nudges and the way he hovers around you speaks more than enough for him
Chronic hand-holder, even when your hands get clammy, even when everyone else starts to groan, Ace keeps your fingers interlaced with his - it’s most common when the two of you are walking around together, ‘so we don’t get lost, or separated’, but Ace will find a way to hold your hand even when you’re stationary
You accost him for kisses throughout the day and Ace gladly obliges, covering you in smooches until you’re in stitches from laughter and have to peel him off, or end up finding somewhere quiet to have a little cat nap while things are relatively quiet on the ship
In roll the hoots and hollers from your peers but Ace keeps up his ‘cool’ front, although from how close you are you can clearly see the red hue rising on Ace’s beautifully tan, freckled face
“If I wanna be all mushy with MY boyfriend, then that’s my prerogative, the rest of you can scram!”
He’d huff something along that sentiment all but one day of the week when Thatch, Haruta, and the lot of them gave it a rest, although you would tease him about even knowing about such big words like prerogative
And then the two of you would get into a lil slappy fight and end up tumbling down the deck, laughing all the way, while Deuce and Izou sipped their tea with a beleaguered sigh at the ship’s resident school boys discovering what a crush was for the first time
The man walks around shirtless two thirds of the time for whore reasons and to show off his top scars anywhere else, having you nuzzle against his chest or lean your head against his bare shoulder really shouldn’t affect him as much as it does, but he can’t help it
His entire face lights up, eyebrows even lids raising for once, and the doofiest little smile plasters itself front and center - Ace loves you but when you fall asleep in those positions, you’re really throwing him to the dogs
Marco, Vista and a few others crowd around him, Ace immediately gives them all a ‘god so help me, if you wake him up-’ glare, but ultimately has to submit to the teasing lest his wonderful boyfriend gets awoken in all the whispered ruckus
Truly, Ace is a man among men for taking such devastatingly serious blows
Surprise tackle hugs are also a thing, from both your ends, Marco is sick and tired of having to deal with injuries from aggressive gay affection and  warns that the next time you louts come into his office because of that, he’ll get you two to walk it off 
Ace play-flirts that Marco doesn’t really mean it as he’s being tended to, but the look that Pop’s first mate levels against (the both of) you tells you that maybe roughhousing should be kept to a minimum, for at least the sake of your health insurance-
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baura-bear · 8 months
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MAURA MAURA MAURA hiii :333 how are you how's stuff going!!! popping in to check in on you. hope you're feeling better bc i know you had a tougher time lately!!
and im here to dump my trans4trans javid tthoughts here. ok so i once read a really nice fanfic that portrayed david as presenting as a boy first to get a job as a newsboy after mayer's injury (i imagine they didn't take in girls or at least not too eagerly) and it was the first time he ever felt good and like truly himself. plus the name he chose . david. it was powerful and had significance as he was a Jewish person and like. obviously he felt so great!! and he also binded. though he was so anxious that the newsies would see that he isn't a "real" boy (obviously only using such wording to like. illustrate david's thoughts) but they didn't!! and david was welcomed and obviously there was also jack. and they were pretty infatuated right from the start. ok now just wanted to make clear that im just sharing my thoughts now. as for jack's transness i think the guys at the lodge all know? they've known jack for so long and he's their friend and he definitely trusts them a lot and obviously they support him! he's their guy!!! he's jack!!!! but they also obviously don't tell anyone that jack is trans. jack doesn't tell either. but as i was saying. jack and dave connect immediately and they get pretty enamored right away, and everyone could see that as well. and i imagine the first time jack learned that david is trans was when he had the talk with pulitzer... and pulitzer obviously disclosed some pretty personal information about david (his deadname) along with threatening to hurt his family if jack didn't comply. and since then jack knew obviously, and i think that only made him fall harder because. what are the odds that the guy you're in love with is *like you* in such a deep way? that he'll be able to understand you? that he'll take you seriously and you won't have to worry about not being perceived as a real guy? and after the strike when jack came back and everything was okay again. they definitely got closer and closer until eventually the inevitable Thing happened. a kiss probably or just a touch that was so unmistakably tender that they couldn't ignore their feelings any longer. and jack, before saying that he's in love, says that he knows david is trans. david literally gets paler than a sheet of paper and panics and wants to start apologizing but then jack quickly cuts him off with "no, dave, me-- me too! it's okay!" and then it sinks in for david and he's also so overwhelmed but in a good way and he can't help but just laugh and probably stim a bit because he's delighted for the same reason that jack is!!! and they definitely confess their feelings and they're so so very happy together. two boys in love :-)
DAVE DAVE DAVE!!!!! HI!!! Thank you for checking in :))) I’m alright! School starts soon so I’m a little nervy but I’m ok. I hope you’re doing well!!!!!
I HAVE DEFINITELY READ PART OF THIS FIC BEFORE (idk if I finished it but I remember loving it)
The the part about Jack finding out about Dave in Pulitzers office. Like,,, he realizes how much more danger David is in than he initially thought. And like it completely changes Jack and Snyder’s dynamic and why Snyder is so obsessed with catching this boy and how brutal his time in the Refuge might have been
And,,, David finding out that Jack knows. His entire world falls out from beneath him and he thinks this is just another person that he drove away because he doesn’t know how to be normal but the second he realizes Jack is safe he probably cries through laughter because what the fuck what a roller coaster of emotions to go on. And they just hug each other for a really long time and David probably says something about thinking he was the only one. And Jack’s like “oh boy have I got a surprise for you” because there are so many trans newsies (because I said so)
Also it makes David so happy to hear Les happily running around telling everyone that David is his older brother :’)
t4t Javid is the only Javid I love them sm
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beanghostprincess · 19 days
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TW for chronic illnesses and body image issues/disphoria and infertility for some headcanons.
Lamikkaku anon here, I wanted to share some headcanons and thoughts about modern AU Lamikkaku because I think I've just come up with the most precious thing ever.
So, I think modern AU Lami would be cronically ill/have some health problems. (I was thinking about her being a survivor to childhood lung cancer that was caused by long term exposure to asbestos, since the Amber Lead Deasease seemed like it was referencing that. And therefore having long term health problems due to treatment)
It would affect her breathing and heart (cue Law deciding to become a cardiosurgeon to help people with similar problems) but also her body and personality as well. The steroids based treatments made her gain weight that she hardly lost, she has scars from various surgeries, and she became an introvert that struggles to meet new people. She feels guilty that she always made her parents worry and made Law miss out on many childhood experiences too, as he hardly saw his parents who were caretaking his sister and was mostly looked after by their godfather Corasan.
Cue my transfemm Ikkaku headcanon. She also struggles with acceptance and body immage issues, worrying about her appearence and not being "feminine enough", as well as some anger issues she develoeped due to tauning from others. I think she may also have issues with her family due to this. It contribuited in her being somewhat "hostile" when trying to meet new people and trusting them.
They met because of Law. Lami doesn't have many friends of her own so she hangs out in his friend group and meets Ikkaku. Its sorta of a love at first sight. Lami looks at Ikkaku and views her basically has a goddess: one with a flawless body, untouched by medical horrors, a sassy and sarcastic personality that sports a level of confidence that she can never have. And Ikkaku sees Lami as an angel: a kind, gentle person with such soft, and a heart of gold thats completely pure, cute ligneaments and a caring and amazing family that loves and supports her.
They start talking and getting close, opening up more to eachother, about their insecurities and fears. The topic of dating eventually comes up and both are very catious about it: Lami isn't sure about what she can give, her health problems are something she always saw as a burden, and she doesn't want to give this burden to anyone else. And Ikkaku thinks she would be awful for Lami, after all Lami is such a nice and kind person, Ikkaku considers herself far too brute to be good for her.
There is also another added thing... Lami can't have children. The treatment made her sterile, and its something she always knew but only really started grieving now. Part of her thinks this makes her an inadequate partner, a not good enough girlfriend (Bullshit, Lami is perfect and you know it) and Ikkaku also had mixed feelings about her own body functions, with transphobes harrassing her and saying shit like "ReAl WoMeN CaN GiVe BiRtH!!!" (Bullshit, I fucking hate this terf behaviour).
The two of them understand eachother deeply due to these things about themselves. Ikkaku never saw Lami's health as an obstacke, it just something that is part of her and makes her unique, and Lami doesn't give a shit about Ikkaku being trans, she loves her because of her personality and the way she is treated by her.
Eventually they do manage to start dating. Its a gradual process, but it doesn't matter because they have their love. They also protest and advocate for themselves, weather its trans/queer rights or better funding and medical treatments (insurance is a SCAM) and marriage equality in both cases.
Law couldn't be happier for her (he doesn't show it at all but he cries of happyness in a corner at least 5 times a day. Bepo calms him down) he also goes on double dates with them and [insert character you ship Law with].
And occasionally there are double dates with Penguin and Shachi as well (Penshachi and transmasc Penguin my beloved) but they have to be very carefull because if they mess something up Law will come after them with a weapon of mass destruction.
And Cora is so proud of them!!! His little girl finally finding confidence, loving her own skin, advocating for herself and all with the love of her life by her side. This man is so goddam happy you wont believe it!!! He gives Ikkaku his full blessing and some older transfolk advice (transmasc Corasan my beloved) he is already picturing their wedding, and he's crying about it. Someone get this man a tissue, or a blanket.
This is all so beautiful!! I've always loved Modern AUs but this one is especially soft. I love how they both have their own issues feeling loved but end up overcoming them together,,, Also, Cora would be the best father-in-law ever in the world. He's so. So happy. He loves Ikkaku so damn much-- And I think Law is concerned at first because he loves and trusts his friends a lot but whenever Lami and Ikkaku go on dates. Together. Alone. Law worries a lot in case something might happen. But Ikkaku is a sweetie with Lami and when Law realizes that everything is okay and the world isn't ending and nobody is dying he cries because he's just so so so relieved.
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sapphos-darlings · 11 months
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Who wants to talk about gender? Apparently everybody. That topic hasn't lost its shine in several years now. But who wants to talk about detransitioning? No one. So I will, again, with no memory whatsoever of what I spoke of the last time I opened my mouth about it.
It's been a couple years now since I dropped the label of trans man and started living as a woman, and it's been just about the easiest thing to do, which would have surprised the me that I was at 27 when I had to quit testosterone for the last time due to the health consequences I was getting from it. I was so worried about having to detransition - and I didn't even want to, but it was a what if in my mind, a scary thing that I felt might be inevitable for me, but having been "living" as a trans man for a decade and on hormones for half that time, it also felt insurmountable, the amount of things that I couldn't change anymore too large.
In reality, turns out that detransition, in my case, meant putting my energy into the things that actually benefited me. Transition just wasn't going my way in just about every way: the only place where I was successful was within my friend group, and in the sense that my family was accepting. They didn't always use the right pronouns, but at least they respected me and understood to the degree to which I could expect them to - my friends, on the other hand, have had much more difficulty adjusting to me now living as a woman than anything. The most complicated situations I've so far ran into with detransition are extremely minor, in comparison to the hell I was living through as a trans man - firstly, I sometimes have issues getting my parcels out of the mail service, because they need the signature and ID of the person who ordered them. Who is me, except they don't expect me to have the name that I do, because what they see is a woman, and who they expect is a man. Another is that, quite recently, an online friend of mine was introducing me to another friend of his, a man who is very straight, and had a whole sequence of apologising over difficulties with pronouns and identities, because it's all so very new to him. I realised later that he'd thought I was a trans woman, and that's why he was so flustered about my pronouns. We didn't even talk over voice chat - this was all in text. This same friend who made the introduction has defaulted to simply using the singular they as my pronoun, which is moderately aggravating, as I don't identify as nonbinary and don't use they as a singular pronoun. Minor inconveniences, but annoying.
Comparing this to the daily worry about passing, having to fuss over how many layers of clothes I would wear in order to hide my body, not being able to go outside during summer solely because there was no clothes that I could do so in, being afraid of questions, having my private life poked by strangers, breathing in my binder, introducing myself to new people, navigating the constant concern over how to express my identity, how they might take it, would it be awkward - now, I just walk out of the door in whatever outfit I may be in and that's the end of it. I have so much more energy and so little anxiety in comparison. It's wonderful.
There's the other side to this, too. My partner was distraught when I shaved my whiskers and my curly neck hair for the trip to the capital. I've come to realise that in this relationship, I'm thoroughly respected and loved for the creature that I am, with the sex characteristics that I have, and with the fluctuating presentation that I come with. Breasts are soft and nice to lay on, to hold; facial hair is fun to brush one's nose through, to kiss, to twirl around one's fingers. My partner found my first white hairs amongst there, too. There's no conflict there for them or for me; my body, with its characteristics, with its different voices used in different situation, are simply parts of me that are lovely to them. I feel at ease there and it very much brings together the way I feel about myself now in general, as I no longer have those issues with my body that I had before. I'm fine being the shape and size that I am. I'm fine having the vocal range that I have. I like the hair I'm growing, whether it be typical or atypical from a biological perspective.
There's a prevalent understanding of detransition as a second transition, where one goes from one sex to another and returns to the previous one, struggling to undo the "damage" this first transition caused. This isn't my experience at all. I spent a decade of my life desperately trying to pass as a man - I have zero interest in doing the same in reverse. What I wanted, through all of this, was to simply feel okay to be what I am, internally and externally. There are hundreds of factors at play in how I became what I am now, but I truly, finally, feel like I'm in a good place with all of that. I don't feel much inner conflict between my body and my view of what it should be, and I've stopped worrying about what it could be, because things that could be are infinite and things that are are very finite. It's so much nicer to not be pushing against reality every day, to wear a costume because the possibility of being discovered or undone by people I cannot predict is simply too horrifying to consider. It's amazing not to have to fear speaking, because I'll make people around me embarrassed and cause them to apologise over and over again, causing a never-ending awkwardness by simply existing, because they didn't read me right the first time. I've never hated anything quite as much as causing a scene, and I've finally stopped causing scenes by simply existing. And yet, I retain the things that made me feel more comfortable in my skin. Further, I am still loved and still accepted by the people who matter - among them a partner who is just as excited about the ways I don't fit into the model of a woman as they are about the ways that I do.
It's just nice to finally be comfortable and feel like I belong among other people, instead of being a ceaseless observer and judge of my own performance in a role I don't even want to be playing.
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purgemarchlockdown · 28 days
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New Apple
(Also Known as: Nott Broke, I am now writing the WKTD-Amane Cross Analysis. This is also the Trans Amane Momose Thesis)
(CWs: Cults, Child Abuse, Child Death, Body Horror, Homophobia, Transphobia.)
(Spoilers for We Know The Devil and Milgram.)
I am a unrepentant fan of the Visual Novel We Know The Devil. I love it dearly, I think it's one of the best Things ever made.
I am also a...fan, to say the least, of Amane Momose. I think about her every day. And as a result I've thought about these two things together a lot. I think there's a lot of thematically cohesion that can be derived from putting the two together.
Since this is Milgram Focused, I'm going to put an explanation for what the plot of WKTD is first before continuing.
WKTD is a 2015 VN about Three Bad Kids at a Christian Summer Camp who are sent to meet The Devil one day in a cabin in the woods. This game is about Queer Religious Horror and has great prose and you should play it-
Now, there are already comparisons that can be drawn to Amane's cult and the game's main premise, but let's discuss each of the three kids first.
No Prince For The Princesses
Starting with Jupiter. Jupiter is the tomboyish good kid of the bunch or, more accurately, tries her best to be the good kid to minimal success.
Laughing off a head injury isn't all that Jupiter's good at; she has the best grades in class, and coaches make her starter on whatever team has the most pressing need for someone who can do sports. She's a perfect role model, except for how she always misses the winning goal and she always blanks on the last question. She leads when no one else wants to, which is always.
Jupiter can keep up until right when it matters the most. It's here where I mention Jupiter snaps a hairband against her wrist, a common tactic used as an alternative to self-harm.
Her place in the dysfunctional group of problem kids becoming clear as her issues with being the perfect good kid and her immense self-hate and loathing start to seep through. Jupiter struggles under this weight of expectations and pleasing others but tries to pretend she an:
Neptune: ascetic monk at not giving a shit.
To her own detriment, she hangs out with the Worst Group in the Camp of Worst Kids just so she can get them to stay away from her. If they just like her enough then they won't bother her. Even if she personally dislikes them and how they act.
Not that she...enjoys acting like this. She's disgusted by the idea of the Counselor liking her. Because:
Jupiter: He likes people he can make a little uncomfortable and won't give any trouble about it.
Though as Venus says, that's exactly why he likes their group.
Jupiter is someone who's resigned to reality being like this. To being considered a bad kid even though she tried so hard. Sure it's unfair and people have tried a lot less than her but:
Jupiter: You can still get better at this, if you try, you know?
Even I can say "I'm sorry" Even I have hope I swear! I'm going to be a good girl now! That's it!
Anyway, Jupiter Kisses Girls. She Likes Women. She's a Lesbian. She has a Seven Minutes in Heaven Scene with Neptune where they Kiss-
That kiss having a lot of relevance to how (specifically) a t1 Amane attempts to approach certain taboo ideas and concepts.
Jupiter: It's not real if we don't say it out loud, right?
Amane tends to talk around things in T1. It's not immediately noticeable but it's prevalent in a lot of her speak. Specifically when taboo ideas come into play. Instead of saying anything directly she talks around it.
(Apostle and Death)
Amane: Okay! I’m kind, so I shall forgive you. That’s nice, isn’t it? If my parents were in my place, you would have been lectured for another hour.
This is my favorite example, as Amane is just calling her parents unkind here. But, Amane isn't really good at talking around things. In the same VD, when faced with the knoweldge that she's being underestimated she immdieatly talks about her genuine feelings about being treated like a child, and being talked down to because of it. Being very forward and open about her own emotions.
Outside of that we have instances of her showing interest in things that are believed to be taboo, or at least in things discouraged by her community.
(20/06/27, Amane’s Birthday)
Amane: I don’t need it. I’ll gratefully accept your well-wishes, but I don’t eat things like that. Also…… Shidou-san, I can’t say I’m especially fond of the way you assume that all children will love frivolous things like this. Shidou: ………… Is that so… I apologise. I’m sure everyone else will be happy to eat it, so don’t worry about it. Sorry for intruding. Amane: ………… ……cake……
She even disrespects the blue flag in Purge March, the flag representing "discarding vulgarity"
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Considering both how a lot of the generally aesthetics of Magic and Purge March seem to be considered frivolous. And her being forbidden to go to an amusement park.
T1Q5:When you go to an amusement park, what do you like to ride? A: That is a place I should not go to.
I think we can infer that these things are consider vulgar and wanting them anyway. She wants something outside of what she has. Something that she tries to Hide in her interrogations. (Interrogations)
T1Q3: If you were allowed to do anything, what would you want to do? Nothing really. I am not lacking anything.
T1Q17: What would you do if the world ends tomorrow? If everything ends? Then, I might do all sorts of things I have never done before.
(Put a pin in these interros, we are Going to come back to them.)
It's wrong to want such a thing, she knows this well. That's why she doesn't say it out loud. It's not real until she does. No one can punish her for it if she doesn't say anything.
Except...they Do. Same with Jupiter, people who didn't try as hard to get into the "proper, good girl" summer scouts got in when Jupiter didn't. Amane studies so hard and yet she only gets a 83% when Kotoko is tutoring her.
(20/06/18)
Kotoko: There, I’ve finished marking. 83%. How do I put it… Even though you act like this, it’s not like you’re super brilliant at studying or anything, huh.
She just blanks at the last question.
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Misses the winning goal.
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Something about Her is...inherently holding them back from this illustrious standard of being a good girl. It's just, impossible for her to be one. She knows this herself.
Only if, only if, only if I could be a good girl
And even though she tries, she Can't do anything to change that. In the same way that no matter how hard Jupiter tries, people instinctively understand that she's something Other somehow. The both of them being harmed over and over again in an attempt to live up to ideals that they will...never be able to live up to.
The system of We Know The Devil works like this, you choose two kids and leave one behind each hour. Leave one behind enough and they become the devil. The worst kid out of all of them.
Jupiter does her best but her best is never going to be enough. So if she gets excluded enough times...
Even the best kid has the devil inside her.
Jupiter wants to touch, to hit, to pull.
Venus: I wish I could be meaner. I wish I could be so much meaner.
She's never going to be able to make up for this incessant greedy Want.
Her hairband snaps here, she can't keep the devil away for much longer, and she knows it.
Jupiter: You know, I actually liked when the captain talked about how heaven was on merit; as long as you do good things, maybe you can one day be good… Jupiter: But then they said we don’t believe that anymore and it’s only what’s in your heart that matters. Jupiter: Just when I think I got it right, they changed it. Jupiter: I can try hard, but I think… Jupiter: God knows my heart isn’t really in it. And that was my only shot, right?
Amane considers love a showcase of mercy,
T2Q9: What does love mean to you? A: To spread mercy with no limits.
And considers her punishments love.
T2Q2: Do you believe you were loved? A: Very much deeply.
I suppose when you think about it, trying to beat the devil out of someone is mercy.
But, you can't really do anything about it if someone does want the devil.
Jupiter: It's wrong to want such a thing, you know that, don't you? So don't do it. I still know that much.
In each color ending, the devil gets destroyed. The devil only getting one moment for whatever they wanted.
For revenge, for love, for "please take me back."
One Singular Moment to live as they are before having it burnt out of them.
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...Someone had to have opened that door at the end of Purge March
(Milgram T1 Glitched Character Voicelines)
Amane: Ahh! I'm so sorry...! I'm sorry...! I'm sorry for breaking the rules!
Lukewarm, I Spit You Out
We have more bad kids to go through, so let's talk Neptune.
Neptune is, to be blunt, a self-proclaimed bitch. She doesn't act like she's supposed to belong her which is exactly why she belongs here. She uses profanities, sneaks alcohol into the camp, and the summary of this game calls her a mean girl. Though this meanness of hers betrays a certain amount of care and worry for her group, or, at least they like to think of it that way:
Neptune is very kind or possibly super mean and hates us. But that's okay. She's really funny.
This kindness of hers comes out in many ways. She's concerned for Jupiter, trying to get her to actually give a shit about herself, especially when she does so much work.
Neptune: I mean like, aren't you doing fine? Neptune: Aren't you trying harder than literally everyone else here? Neptune: You're so chill about everyone's bullshit it makes me so mad and then you won't extend even the slightest of that chill to yourself and that makes me EVEN SO MADDER. Neptune: Can't you just be a little less…good?
And wants Venus to get out of his egg, to let himself be a bit of a bitch, and stop apologizing for himself when he is doing nothing wrong.
Neptune: Wait, I got it. I dare you to not say sorry for the rest of the night. Jupiter: Oh my god. Venus: I can do that! Jupiter: …can he though? Neptune: No it's perfect. Neptune: It'll fix something annoying, and this will make everyone's life easier, and all of us win. Venus: Is it really annoying? Neptune: You shouldn't have to apologize for things you don't need to apologize for.
Neptune deeply cares about the people around her, it just comes out as harsh words and actions. She wants to make Jupiter's life a living hell so that she's forced to say that it hurts.
Neptune: People are supposed to get hurt by things. It's fucked up to not. It's not good for you.
Though, as Venus calls out, the way Neptune acts doesn't fully come from self-confidence.
Venus: ...your problem Neptune is. Venus: You think being mean is more honest. Venus: But you're just as bad as Jupiter. Venus: And me.
Neptune, like the other two, deeply hates herself. Like Jupiter she has a consistent "tell" that shows she's the devil. She throws up this black ichor-like substance. Poison really. The only thing she can say. She's a bad kid through and through.
Now, Amane is self-proclaimed annoying.
Es: Regardless of whether you’re a child or an adult… you are beyond annoying. Amane: Oh, my. I am honored by your praise. Es: As I said. Amane: (giggles)
She takes Real Pride in being, a little shit to people.
20/06/03
Fuuta: ……huh? What’s your problem? You’re just leaving all your meat? What a weird kid. Amane: You say that, but you’re not eating all of your food either. ……are you not able to eat your vegetables? Even though you’re an adult. Fuuta: Huh, what, so you’re just eating grass? What are you, a rabbit or something? Since you’re just a brat, you should be eating your meat properly. You won’t grow if you don’t. Amane: ……you make some really funny jokes, don’t you, Fuuta-san.
This behavior is mostly present in T1, mostly cause T1 is Amane's testing period. She's trying to see what she can get away with. These behaviors disappearing by T2 because she learns that she can't get away with much. Introducing us to a less playful, more angry and genuinely despairing Amane. (Of Blessedness and Punishment)
Amane: This is unforgivable! I won’t forgive you! (screams)
That isn't to say Amane doesn't genuinely want to help out though, even with her more aggressive attitude. In fact she goes out of her way to "help" Fuuta and responds to Yuno's questions and worries honestly and patiently.
(23/06/27, Amane’s Birthday)
Yuno: By the way, Amane. Have you ever wished you were never born? I’ve thankfully lived a pretty fun life so far, so haven’t really. But you seem to be struggling with something. So I kinda wondered if you thought like that. Amane: ……I don’t think that. Being born into this world is the first miracle any person experiences, and is something to celebrate. Even if after birth I was put through trial after trial, the value of that will never disappear.
Amane is kind, genuinely so. She helps the cat, she tries her best to "guide" people back to the better path. The problem is, is that her want to help gets tied up in her community and her worldview. Causing more harm than she would like, it's almost like she can only spit out doctrine when that isn't the case.
Amane: Hm. Is that so? Are the prisoners who weren’t forgiven feeling lost right now? Maybe they need our faith as well.
Outside of that, Amane is rather opinionated, she tries to keep it down but it seeps out anyway. She's expressed numerous times her frustration with being treated like a child (ie: being treated like she has no rights of her own.) And expresses that openly and bluntly.
(20/06/13)
Shidou: I…… I just don’t understand. If everything about MILGRAM is true…… why did a child like you have to become a murderer? Just imagining what sort of circumstances must have led to that, it makes me so sad…… Amane: ……*sigh*. Is that right. I don’t think I’m going to get along with you, Shidou-san.I don’t agree with the fact you refuse to acknowledge that I have my own free will, and that I should be held accountable for my actions, just because I’m a child. I may have only been alive for 12 years, but all the choices I’ve made, even if they weren’t the best ones, were entirely my own. What point is there in you getting sad when I have no regrets myself?
It's easy to call her annoying or petulant for this, especially when Shidou (seemingly) is just concerned for how how a child is in prison of murders. And again she Does act annoying on purpose.
But Shidou is being actively patronizing and forcing his view of Amane Onto her. When Amane rebukes this, instead of apologizing or reevaluating he dismisses what she says. Something that deeply frustrates her.
Neptune: I'm an evil bad slut right? I'm a bitch and a flirt. Neptune: I'm a bitch because I let people know when they walk over me. Neptune: I'm a flirt because boys keep talking at me. Neptune: And this is somehow my problem, because they can't get over themselves and leave me alone? Neptune: How is that fair? Why should I get hurt by that? It makes me so mad! Neptune: Why would I be anything but MAD about all this stupid obnoxious BULLSHIT.
You’re sorry? I don’t care! Please, go ahead and die already Remember MY cries, MY repents, MY words of “I’m sorry” that I said to you?
Amane cares a lot about being treated Properly, about the people around her being treated Properly. She can't really...accept injustice. She broke one of her cult's doctrines because she wanted wrap up what was probably a Small Wound at worst judging by the state of the cat. She's not going to waver just because the people around her believe otherwise.
Amane: ……I’m fine. I don’t know what you’ve done or what it is you’re worried about, but I think if there’s something you believe in, you should stay true to it. It’s not something that should waver just because other people said something. I personally don’t plan on changing my own beliefs even if I’m told I’m wrong either……
Amane believes in the idea that people can get better, and wants to see people get better even if she can't. She's going to help even if she has to be Violent to do so.
Neptune: You asked me to come out. So I'm coming out. The door opens and it's her but it's not her She grabs Venus and crushes him against the wall like he's a little doll.
Amane: Don’t you think it’s a good opportunity to be reborn? If, right now, you could shake off those around you trying to drag you down to depravity, and could change––
When Neptune's the devil she forcibly tries to turn the other two kids into the devil alongside with her. She knows this whole situation is a nightmare and wants to force the two into accepting who they really are, even if it meant hurting them.
Why should they be the ones to suffer when their trying so hard to be good? Why should they be suffering when they already ARE good?
Neptune: Doesn't it feel unfair? You're already good, so why do you have to try so hard to be good? It makes me mad. They want you to prove you're good. But you're already so good. What is that? Why do they do that?
We must not give into them, they are the ones that should be judged
Why does She need to prove that she's righteous when the people around her can break the same rules she does and get away with no consequences?
I don’t need it any more, if you’re going to break your vow Here and now, it’s my turn to tear you apart
It's just so Unfair. Why is she the one getting hurt for no good reason? Why was the cat the one who got hurt for something that wasn't even its fault? It's just not right. None of this is right.
Neptune: Does that kid look happy to you? Well I guess we have different opinions and you will have to stop me from making him into what he is trying very hard not to be.
Help Me God, I'm In Love
We have one more kid to go through.
Venus is known for being very much a doormat, and very easy to push around. A small detail when their sitting down to listen to the Bonfire Captain's story is that Venus tries his best not to take up space.
Venus sits with his legs crossed, taking up as little space as he can, which is at most not very much.
And As mentioned before he constantly apologizes for himself, even when it isn't even his fault. That dare Neptune gives him? He immdieatly fails it, the sorry is an instinct, he does it automatically.
Though even then, Venus is known to be...a bit of a little shit. Maybe even quite Mean. He has a bite to his words and can be extremely judgemental. Not that he seems to notice .
Jupiter: Do you think he notices how much of a jerk he is sometimes? Neptune: I wish.
Amane: An arts university, though…… Does that mean you’re good at drawing, then? It may be a bit rude to say, but that’s rather unexpected.
(I Love how Amane implies that she thought Mikoto was too boring to be an artist. Incredible.)
Not only that but he's strongly opinionated, often surprising the people around him with them and how pointed and critical he can be. The people around him being so used to how shy and docile he seems.
Jupiter: Why not you. You're safe. You're like a puppy. You're harmless. Venus: …did you lose your nerve? Jupiter: Except when you talk.
He doesn't mean to be mean on purpose, he doesn't even like being mean, but it just comes out of him. He can't stop himself. He's so angry and bitter about certain things that his real feelings bleed out of him.
Neptune: Wow Venus I'm ALMOST impressed. Neptune: You are, deep down, kind of a little shit. Venus: I didn't mean it in a mean way. I wasn't teasing. Neptune: That's so much worse, Venus. Venus: I guess I just don't get it? Venus: I don't like being mean and I don't want to be mean so I try really hard not to be mean. Venus: I don't get any of the 'just kidding' because it's not just kidding.
But Venus is easy to pick on, he smiles weirdly, he tries his best to avoid causing too much conflict, and the idea that Venus is "not like the other boys" get floated around pretty early depending on what interactions you chose, and Jupiter and Neptune discuss this their 10AM interaction:
Neptune: Are you seriously worried about him? Jupiter: Maybe. A little. Jupiter: He's weird. Not in a bad way, necessarily? Jupiter: But maybe in a bad way, possibly. Jupiter: Sometimes I don't even know what he is.
Jackalope: That isn’t even really Amane Momose anymore. You’ve awakened something much bigger.
There's something....different about Venus, like Jupiter and Neptune before him. Everyone can tell, and thus treats him differently for it but he's just not exactly sure what that...Is.
And it's so Frustrating.
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Venus: …I don't know what's wrong with me.
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Venus: But I can't. Not when it comes to this. Jupiter: What is "this"? Venus: Whatever they want out of me that's not fixing radios. Venus: To be tougher? To grow up? To-what's that?
He's jealous, so deeply jealous of Jupiter and Neptune and he doesn't even know why.
Venus: I'm mad about a lot of things I guess. Jupiter: Liar Jupiter: You're not mad. Jupiter: You're jealous. Jupiter: Why are you so jealous. Jupiter: It's flattering. But it's weird. Venus: I don't know.
Muu: ……hey, are you listening to me? What are you staring at……? Amane: I’m not staring at anything. Muu: Liar, you definitely are……
Amane: ……cake……
He wants...something from them, he doesn't know what but it's something important to him. Something that would make him feel like he's himself and not...whatever he is. It's not even like he necessarily minds being different. He doesn't even think he can be anything else.
Venus: I know I'm bad at getting anyone to like me and I'm weird and everyone else can deal even though I can't, but I can't. Venus: I'm just going to be like this. I'm not going to be any different. Jupiter: You're asking to get beat up. Venus: I don't care.
T2Q20: How do you feel about you not being like everyone else? A: Nevertheless I was born as myself, so I'm happy.
This deep want appears in Everything he does. Everything he does is to somehow get that Thing he Wants the Most. He can attribute it to something else but everyone can tell he wants Something.
Neptune: Venus, your problem is that you are very nice. But you want something. And you think being nice is going to give it to you. But it never will. And until you figure out what it is you want. Every kindness of yours will be full of that want.
Amane: Ah, I am looking forward to it! Seeing whether your judgement will align with that of these higher standards! If that is the case, maybe Milgram would be the right world for us to live in, rather than the outside world!
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Milgram relies on your judgement, isn’t that right? In that case, you could become the mediator for a far more righteous world!!
That isn't to say he Isn't afraid of being found out. Of having the kind of person he is being revealed. In a game of truth or dare he chooses dare because:
Venus: I mean, it's kinda like Jupiter said? Truth is embarrassing and dares could get you hurt. Getting hurt is way less scary.
But then the contradiction of this gets pointed out to him, people can be embarrassing with dares as well. It's easy to hurt and embarrass someone.
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I've already mentioned that Amane hides...a lot, she tends to talk around things and use double meanings and what not. But she also doesn't want to seem frivolous or wasteful. She wants to stay seeming mature and smart and pure. Being immature is dangerous to her, another reason for people to view her as useless and weak. Another reason to get hurt.
She isn't that. She can prove it. She's not greedy or materialistic.
Venus: I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be that sort of person at all.
She doesn't want anything.
Venus: I want them within me and without me. All through and about me. I want feathers in my lungs and eyes on my skin. I want my heart to see and my lungs to fly.
Nothing at all.
T1Q17: What would you do if the world ends tomorrow? If everything ends? Then, I might do all sorts of things I have never done before.
This is when I reveal Venus is Trans.
Venus is Trans! She uses She/Her, I've been using He/Him for her previously to reveal she's trans like how the VN reveals she's trans.
Venus wants to reveal the truth, to be seen as she is, to have:
That wing to see the truth and that eye to lay it bare.
She wants to be honest and live as herself. To really Be Her. When she becomes the devil she says it's nobody's fault but hers. She wants this. She wants this so much.
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She's not doing it cause she was forced or coerced she did it cause she Wanted To. She wanted to do it so badly. She does it with such glee it's honestly terrifying. She killed out of hate and duty and Enjoyed It.
The devil is lonely. We kicked out the devil and it must miss us. It keeps begging to be let back, to let it in.
And Amane Did.
Smoke and Honey
Amane Momose is undeniably monster-coded.
Jackalope: That isn’t even really Amane Momose anymore. You’ve awakened something much bigger.
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Amane: Right now, I am both Amane Momose and I am not. I am speaking on behalf of our faith.
Amane: Yes. It is only natural for a person(/human) to apologize to another for breaking a promise. Es: … Amane: Why are you looking so doubtful? Are you not human?
This happy pinky promise hurts to break
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There's so much to discuss that if I did do it in detail we would get so set off track very badly, but Amane Momose is Other. She's the Other, she's not human. She's never Been Human. Atleast not by the standards of her cult.
In the Milgram Cat Symbolism, Cats has been highly associated with sin. Yuno portrays her cat self as the most honest but also sinful version of herself. Kazui does the same. Amane being the cat, implicates her as a sinful force in the world. Something dangerous and terrifying that needs to be destroyed.
Amane Momose, somehow, is a threat to normal human existence (at least in the existence of the cult.) She's too opinionated, too dedicated, too Bad of a kid. Having her exist at all as she is, is a threat. She doesn't Want to stop being herself, she's supposed to want to stop. Humans aren't supposed to act like she acts. What if that stubbornness was directed at something against the cult?
Adults also hate perfect kids who love the world so much they can't stop themselves from saving it.
We Need to Destory The Devil No Matter What or Who it is. To choose someone to act as the scapegoat, the worst girl, the one kid too weird, too strange, too threatening.
What does Amane do? She's already a liability, just a child, useless and unhelpful. What if she was destructive? Better to teach her now to be better, right?
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It's not like she isn't destructive, it's true. She does harm. Horrible harm actually. I completely understand wanting to restrain her for those reasons.
But, she had One Moment, and it was ripped away from her.
Jupiter: If I taste what it's like, I know, there's no way I'll be happy being human ever again.
I Wonder what else is left for her now.
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uriekukistan · 2 months
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Mutsuki for the ask game :3
My first impression: i didn't like any of the quinx squad on the first read i was insane im sorry everyone
My impression now: kinda on the border of how i feel about light vs misa honestly. i'm not a fan of his actions, but he has a special place in my heart. on the other hand, i can justify why he acted the way he did, and i can empathize with him. an interesting character that i love examining. (i may see a bit of the parts i don't like about myself in him...)
Favorite thing about that character: as i'll always say, i love when they're insane :3 my little insane pookie wookies :3 fr tho i love a good complex character that i can really analyze and pick apart
Least favorite thing: as a trans person, i'm not sure how i feel about how ishida characterized mutsuki's trans-ness. at quite a few points, it came off like ishida was making it seem like a mental illness rather than a legitimate identity maybe that's just me
Favorite line/scene: when mutsuki's kagune first appeared to comfort urie after he framed out at the auction raid. i think it says a lot about mutsuki's real personality underneath all the trauma induced insane
Favorite interaction that character has with another: any mutsurie interactions ! i love their relationship and i think they helped each other grow, it was really nice to see
A character that I wish that character would interact with more: i think i would want to see him with juuzou more, like outside of the training and ghoul fighting area. i want them to sit down and talk about how their horrific childhoods shaped them. juuzou grew a lot from in the gap between tg and re so i want to see him support mutsuki in his own growth, pass on his wisdom, generally be a mentor in more than a combat sense.
Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character: im really bad at this, pass 🧎
A headcanon about that character: he's probably a good dancer, but like in a graceful way, probably would be good at contemporary or waltz
A song that reminds of that character: step on me by the cardigans
An unpopular opinion about that character: i actually think mutsuki's ending was good. i know people probably wanted to see him go back to the quinx and have a happy family, but actually i think it's an important step for mutsuki to step out on his own because he seems (to me) to have a lot of dependency problems.
Favorite picture:
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my little insane <3
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whumpsday · 1 year
Text
K&J x MMSS
Kane & Jim masterlist / Magnanimous Moonrise & Savage Sunset masterlist
content: vampire whumpees, multiple whumpees, rescue, recovery / comfort / caretaking all that good stuff, starvation, burns, begging, death wish, a teeny tiny bit of gore, vaguely implied past noncon, somewhat more detailed reference to consensual nsfw (not explicit), non-malicious misgendering of a trans character (in kane’s own head before he knows valen is trans)
it’s finally here!! a crossover between my Kane & Jim and @not-a-space-alien ‘s Magnanimous Moonrise & Savage Sunset!! enjoy this 11k collab!! takes place a few days after Impending on the K&J side, and a bit after 17S / 17M on the MMSS side.
-
Ari lopes across the street towards the unfamiliar hunter’s compound. “Christ, I can’t believe some other sick fuck got ahold of a vampire and got permission to torture it. I know it’s like 5 hours away but yeesh, how many psychopaths are there per square mile in this state?”
Lex tightens her fists. She’s determined not to make the same mistake again. They’d gotten word about another vampire being held captive and tortured, and this time they’d wasted no time in leaping into action. “It’s worse here. It wasn’t just one person, it was everyone getting in on it. And they weren’t even doing it for a reason like Nick. They just thought it was fun to torture it.” Lex can still hardly believe it. She can’t imagine everyone in the place where she worked being okay with that. At least some of them were uncomfortable with it…Not that it had done Valen much good.
“That’s honestly just stupid,” Ari spits. “Dumb fucks. Vampires are dangerous enough that it’s stupid to keep them alive unless you have a very good reason.”
Lex gives a wry smile. “We have a vampire at our house.” That scare with Bailey and Jerome had been the last time Valen left the house. He’d spent the few days since then on their couch healing. Slowly, but healing.
“And for a good reason!”
“Well anyway, they said this one isn’t dangerous because it can’t use persuasion.”
Ari stops on the sidewalk in front of the compound. “Yeah, I’m still not buying that. Never heard of a vampire that can’t use persuasion at all.”
“It’s been held captive here for five years. I think if he was faking it or something, he would have figured out a way to escape by now.”
Ari gives a hmmph. “Well, if this one is all starved like Valen was, he’ll barely have the strength to stand, let alone fight us off.”
Lex fidgets. “We still have to agree on what to do with it.” They’d argued about it on the car ride over. The fact that it would be wrong to leave it there to be tortured was all they had agreed on. Lex wanted to take this new vampire home and give him a chance, alongside Valen. Ari wanted to kill him, put him out of his misery.
And now they’d run out of time to argue. They’re here, at the front door. That meant they had to make a compromise, or one of them had to give in. Ari comes up with the solution instantly, eager to get on with it:
“All right, we’ll give him a chance. I mean, we didn’t give Valen a chance and we really regret that. So let’s talk to him for a little bit, and if we like what we hear, we can just take him home and plop him on the couch next to Valen. Nice new playmate for him. If we don’t like what we hear, just stake him through the heart. Sound good?”
“Yes,” says Lex. “Okay. Ready?”
“Yeah.”
They’d made arrangements with a sympathetic hunter who worked here, who agreed to look the other way when they came in and went to the basement. So when they walk up to the porch together, the door is unlocked, and they can walk right in.
-
Kane sits in his preferred corner of his cell, riding out another panic attack. They've come in waves ever since the hunters told him Jim is coming for him.
Please just kill me. Please just kill me. Please just kill me. It's the best option he has, at this point. His only good option. Barring that, he just hopes it's not worse than here. Please just don't make it worse.
His ears perk up at the sound of hunters approaching. They hadn't been hurting him much in the past few days, apparently wanting to let Jim handle that, though the silver cuffs they'd left him in burn into his wrists and ankles.
He wonders, not for the first time, if he'll ever get them off again. If he's left permanently in the sun with nights never long enough to heal, it will hardly matter.
Voices come down the stairs, unfamiliar, two women Kane has never heard before. They approach the cell without saying anything, taking him in and waiting for him to do something. 
Lex and Ari are not shocked by Kane’s condition. It’s not too dissimilar to the way Valen had looked, so they’d been prepared, although the silver cuffs melting his wrists elicit raised eyebrows from Ari and a sympathetic cringe from Lex. Kane shrinks against the wall, staring at them fearfully. He hasn't seen these hunters before. He hates unknowns, though that's still better than a guarantee of cruelty. He hopes they're just here to take a look at him before he's sent off.
"Stand up," says Ari. "Come over here. So we can talk."
"Yes, ma'am." Kane's voice is raspy and small as he stands obediently, his heart pounding as he approaches the silver bars of the cell. He stops just barely outside grabbing distance, hoping that maybe they're here to give him more information on what's going to happen to him.
“Is it true that you can't use persuasion?” Ari asks. “I don't buy it. I’ve never heard of that before.”
"Yes, ma'am. It's true." The pit of Kane's stomach churns with anxiety at the accusation that it's a lie. Technically, he never told anyone he didn't have it, they figured that out on their own quickly enough, but he would be punished just the same. "I'm s-sorry, I don't know how to prove it to you."
Ari scowls. The only thing to scowl about is the fact that she also doesn't know how he could prove it to her, but she radiates unhappiness at the lack of ability to confirm Kane is actually unable to overpower them. "Okay, fine. Kneel down on the floor, and stay there. We're coming in." She unlocks the cell and she and Lex step inside.
She's angry. Kane tears up, he's made the hunter angry, he's going to be punished, and there was nothing he could have done to prevent it. Hopeless hopeless hopeless. He kneels where he stands with another "Yes, ma'am," trying not to cry.
"Aw, don't cry," Lex says, and Ari gives her a withering glare that shuts her up.
Kane notices a bite mark on the hunter's neck. That makes sense, given her profession, though it's the first time he's seen a hunter sporting one. He figures that most hunters whose necks come that close to fangs likely don't make it back to the compound. This woman must either be very lucky, or very deadly.
Dread pools in him as he realizes these hunters are probably here for revenge.
Ari stands in front of Kane, looming over him with her arms crossed. "So, tell me about what you did to Jim Lieberman."
His heart spikes with panic. He can't lie, he knows this. The hunters are in contact with Jim. They probably already know everything, and if they don't, they can surely fact-check him. Instead, he's vague. He begins to shake with terror as he chokes out, "I k-kidnapped him, and I, I fed from him, and, and, I hurt him. I'm s-so sorry. I'm so sorry, ma'am. I'd do anything to t-take it all back. I've learned, I know better now, I know my p-place."
He starts to cry for real, wincing at the realization that he's just disobeyed her order not to cry. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! P-please, mercy, please!"
Lex is a bit distressed to see Kane cry, and starts to shush him before she thinks better of it. Ari, on the other hand, seems a little approving. She’s not a sadist, but she does like the look of Kane being submissive, because her main concern is whether or not Kane is a threat that needs to be destroyed. And…she wants to root out what his intentions really are. If he genuinely wants to be a good person, maybe he deserves a chance to try. And wringing the truth out of him is probably going to involve some crying. Can’t make a cake without breaking a few eggs.
"Sorry?” Ari scoffed. “Sorry that you got caught, maybe. If you'd managed to kidnap a second human, you probably would have done the exact same thing to them."
Kane sobs. No human will ever believe him. They hadn't when they only knew he was a kidnapper, they certainly won't now that they know he'd beaten his human senseless. He shakes his head in protest, wishing he could wrap his arms around himself.
"N-no, ma'am, I wouldn't now, I swear! I know what it's like now, to be trapped and hurt and s-scared, I'd never wish captivity on anyone, I'm so sorry!" He shudders, knowing a punishment is incoming. "Please, please, please."
Ari looks thoughtful for a moment. Then… "You said you know your place. What would you say that is, exactly?"
Finally, a question with a right answer. "I'm nothing, I'm lower than dirt, I exist to satisfy humans with my suffering. I'm getting what I deserve." Kane hesitates, then adds, voice small, "But... please."
"....Jesus Christ, all right." Ari says.
Lex squats down to get eye-level with him. "Hey, do you have a name?"
Kane cowers away as the hunter lowers herself to get closer to him. No one's asked him his name in a long time. "...Kane, ma'am." He doesn't feel he's worthy of calling himself a de Sang anymore.
"It's a nice name." Lex smiles. "I'm Lex, and that's Ari."
The compliment throws him off. This hunter is strange. Not a bad kind of strange, she hasn't even hurt him yet, but the newness of it makes him nervous. "Thank you, ma'am. Your... your names are nice, too."
Ari laughs. "All right. What do you think, Lex?"
"Yeah," says Lex. "Let's go. Hey, can you stand up for me? Can you walk?"
"I can just carry you if that'd be faster," Ari adds.
Kane sobs in terror. They're going to take him outside. "Please not the sun, p-please not the sun, I'll be good, I'll do anything, please!" he wails.
"We're parked in the shade," says Ari. "Behind the building. There's no sunlight to walk through."
Kane’s relief at no sunlight is complicated by the twisting of his stomach at the implication. This must be it. He's going to be taken to Jim, now. And then... he'll see what his former human has in store for revenge.
"Thank you, ma'am. I'll be good," he says dutifully. He shakily pushes himself to his feet, reaches up to wipe the tears from his face, then remembers the silver and lowers his hands back down before he can. The last thing he wants is for his face to burn in addition to the agony of his wrists.
"Should we take those off?" asks Lex.
"Hmm," says Ari. "Um, it kiiind of looks like that's going to be a whole thing to get those off, with the way they're melted on. And probably best not to hang around here for too long. We can probably take off the ankle ones, though."
Lex bends down to take off the ankle restraints.
Kane is excited at the possibility of his ankle cuffs being removed. His wrist cuffs have been left on for what must be over a week by this point, but his ankle cuffs were just put on earlier today, and haven't fused into his skin much yet. No matter how badly he wants the wrist cuffs off too, at least his ankles can start the healing process.
"Thank you, thank you so much!" He holds perfectly still as the hunter removes the ankle cuffs, letting out a pain-laden keen as some skin comes away with them. But when they're finally off, he sighs in relief. The wounds still burn horribly, but at least they're not actively searing into him anymore.
"Are you ready to go, then?” Lex asks. “Is there anything you want to bring with you?"
"I don't have anything, ma'am." Kane says, gesturing at the barren cell. His only possession is the pair of tattered shorts he currently wears.
Lex gets really, unbelievably sad when she realizes this guy literally doesn't have a single earthly possession. I’ll have to fix that, she thinks to herself, already combing through the enormous catalog of junk she has at home for a good gift.
"All right, let's go then," says Ari. They take Kane out of the cell and go upstairs, Lex first, Kane in the middle, and Ari in the rear. Kane becomes winded soon after attempting the beginning of the stairs, so Ari huffs, rolls her eyes, and picks him up to carry him the rest of the way.
They go outside, and just as promised, their van is in the shadow of the building and there's no direct sunlight. Ari opens the back of the van. "Man, I forgot we still have the fucking coffin in here. Well, we might as well use it, the last thing we need is this guy to lose his nerve halfway there and do something while we're driving. Recipe for an accident."
Ari clambers into the van and opens the cage sitting in the back.
Kane peers at what the hunter- Ari- is doing. Coffin. He likes the sound of that. Coffins are for the dead. Maybe Jim is planning on killing him, and the hunters are bringing this to transport his dead body. But as he gets a closer look, it becomes apparent this coffin is designed for living vampires. It's designed for restraint. He can't tell if the metal bars are steel or silver, and that scares him. If it's silver, he'll have no protection. He's half-naked.
"P-please, not more silver, I'll be good." he whimpers. "I won't do anything. I know how to behave. Please no more burning."
“The bars are coated with steel. It shouldn't burn or anything. If anything hurts you just tell us and we'll fix it, okay?” Lex assures.
“We'll get those cuffs off you asap, but for now we should get going.” Ari adds.
Kane barely calms at the assurance. This is it. He's being delivered straight into the hands of the person with the most reason to despise him. At least the journey won't be as painful as it could be. These hunters are strangely... kind.
With a "Thank you," he heads toward the coffin and lies down inside. He doesn't mind the enclosed space. It's almost peaceful in here.
Ari locks it, and the door shuts. The two reappear getting in the front of the van. Lex twists around in the passenger's seat to look back at him. "Ready to go?"
Staying and going are both horrible options. He's going from a known horror to an unknown horror. But he knows it's not a real question, he doesn't get a choice in this. "Yes, ma'am."
"Great!"
They drive off. Lex and Ari chat idly, and listen to the radio. Kane loves the radio. It's been so long since he's been able to listen to music.
One last comfort before whatever lies ahead.
They make a rest stop part way through, to get gas, to stretch their legs, to get snacks. Lex power walks around the van, to get out her restless energy. Ari leans against the door. She leans back into the window, eyeing Kane in the coffin from the front seat. “Hey, do you want to get those cuffs off now, or wait till we get home? We have a first aid kit, but nothing to wash off till we get home.”
He jumps at the chance to get the horrible cuffs off. "Yes, please! Yes, please take them off, please, I promise I'll be good!" He knows it will hurt horribly to have them removed, but it's so much better than keeping them on.
Ari glances around the parking lot to make sure nobody is nearby. They’re on the far end, not even close to the trucks parked to take naps. “All right.”
The back doors opening lets in some treacherous sunlight, but nothing that reaches all the way back to the coffin. Ari unlocks the coffin and tells Kane to sit up, while simultaneously pulling him up by the arms as though he won't. She has him sit on the bed of the van while Lex puts some towels down. Ari unlocks the handcuffs and, figuring it's best to rip off the bandaid quickly, and not give him much time to sit in dread of what's about to happen, simply rips them off in one smooth motion.
Kane lets out a strained scream through clenched teeth when the silver is finally removed, ripping his skin apart in the process. His wrists are a raw, bloody mess, the mangled remains of what could once be called skin hanging in tatters from the cuffs in Ari's hands. He takes a few quick breaths as fresh tears spring to his eyes, trying to calm down, but he's so relieved they're finally off. "Th-thank you, ma'am."
Ari tosses the cuffs to the ground in disgust. "Hmpph. Stop calling me ma'am. Do I look like a ma'am to you?"
Kane winces at the irritation in her voice. “S-sorry, sorry! I'm sorry. I won't do it again, I'm sorry."
Lex presses some towels into his wrists to absorb the blood, holding them there gently. He's unused to being helped with his injuries. For years, he's always had to deal with it on his own. But now someone is gently helping him with a towel. He sobs, knowing how temporary it is. He's going to be Jim's soon, and he doubts his victim will be as kind.
Lex wraps his wrists in bandages, which quickly soak with blood. "We can wash this off when we get home, all right?"
Ari half-supports, half-drags him back to the coffin. "We're halfway there, just a bit more to go. God, I'm tired already."
“I can drive for a while,” Lex suggests.
“No.”
This is the second time the hunters have mentioned home, and it baffles him. A new possibility dawns on Kane, one too good to be true. "Are you.... not delivering me to Jim? For revenge?" he asks.
"Huh?" says Ari. "Oh, no, we don't even know Jim. We're taking you to our house."
"We actually have one vampire there already!" Lex adds.
For the first time in years, Kane feels hope. He has no idea what's in store for him at these hunters' house, and the fact that they already have one vampire does not bode well, but anything has to be better than where he was, and they've already been treating him kindly. And this way, though he knows it's not right, he'll never have to face his victim's revenge.
"Thank you," he breathes. "Thank you, thank you, thank you. I promise I'll earn it. I'm well-behaved, I'm obedient, I'll be perfect for you, even if it hurts. Thank you for taking me away from there."
"Awww," Lex coos, about to lean over and pinch his cheek before Ari elbows her to halt the advancing hand.
"Hmph, see to it you stay docile," warns Ari.
"What Ari means," says Lex quickly, "is that it seems like you've changed, and if you want to be a good person now, you deserve a chance to try. And that very well can't happen if you're locked in somebody's basement being tortured for fun."
"I will be docile," Kane promises immediately. "Always. Whatever you want, I'll do it." His heart pounds. He's getting a chance. He's wanted a chance so badly. "Thank you so, so much for giving me a chance. I have changed, I've changed so much I can barely even believe how I used to be. Thank you."
She said tortured for fun as if it was something that would no longer happen. It's too good to be true. Perhaps now he would only be tortured for misbehavior? And he would never misbehave. A life without pain sounded impossible, but maybe, maybe there could at least be less.
"Sure,” says Ari. “Just don't blow it, got it? You're still a vampire."
Lex smiles. "She just likes scaring people for fun, I think. Don't worry about that too much."
"Stop undoing all my hard work."
Ari's words shake Kane to his core despite Lex's disclaimer. He has one chance. One chance to prove he's learned how to behave, or they're going to take him back to be tortured forever, or at least Ari will.
"I understand. I won't blow it. I know my place," he promises firmly.
They arrive at the house. Unlike at the hunter's compound, there's direct sunlight between the van and the house. They unlock Kane and let him out of the coffin.
"Hmmm," says Ari. "This is no good. Wait right there." She leaves and goes into the house, leaving Kane alone with Lex for a few minutes.
Kane is absolutely terrified when he sees the sun shining just outside the van. His breathing becomes panicked again, his eyes wide with terror.
"Please not the sun, please not the sun, please not the sun! I'll be good, I promise I'll be good!" he wails tearfully, looking to Lex with pleading eyes.
"Hey, hey, relax," says Lex. "We're not going to make you go out in the sun. I'm sure Ari will think of something good, she always does."
Ari comes back a minute later with a sleeping bag, one of the cold weather ones that zip all the way up. She unrolls it on the floor of the van and unzips it. "All right, big guy, get in."
Kane nods shakily with a "Yes, Miss Ari," obediently crawling into the bag. He watches with anxiety as it's zipped up around him, searching for any holes but finding none. A nervous whine escapes him before he can help it.
Ari hauls him up over her shoulder. They lock up the van and come up onto the porch, opening the front door.
Valen is sitting on the pull-out couch underneath a blanket. "Oh, is that- is that him?" he asks nervously.
Kane can smell that the third person in the room is a vampire before the bag is even open, no delicious aroma of human blood emanating. This must be the other vampire the hunters mentioned.
Ari puts the sleeping bag on the floor and unzips it.
When the bag is unzipped, the first thing Kane notices is he's in a house. It's not a very nice house, but he reasons that this is likely how commoners live. It feels surreal, being in a house again after so long in his cell. It's the nicest thing he can possibly imagine.
His eyes shift to the other vampire, the relief at being away from his prison giving way to horror. He doesn't know whether to feel disappointed, or to feel stupid for feeling disappointed. It's clear she's being tortured. Starved, burned, and legs broken, with a metal collar around her neck. At least the collar doesn't appear to be silver, he'd smell her flesh burning.
He snaps his gaze back to the hunters, much more on-edge now. "I'll be good," he repeats. "I promise, I promise. P-please no more burning."
"We aren't gonna burn you," says Lex. "Don't worry."
Ari thinks that maybe Lex should not be so generous with the don't worry’s. She would like a vampire in her house to worry at least a little. If he didn't worry, he might start being dangerous.
"Right, well,” says Ari, looking around. “I guess this is where you'll be staying. Um." She notices Valen looking a little alarmed. "I mean, I guess we could set you up in the dining room, although there's still room here in the living room. Um." Valen is starting to look a little panicked at the addition of this unknown variable, a man in the house, and he's pressed himself into the couch as far away from Kane as possible.
Ari points to Valen. "So, this is Valen. The golden child. To be clear, we like Valen better than you. You will not hurt Valen. You will not touch him, or scare him, or mess with his things. Got it?"
Despite the fact that the menacing tone is directed at Kane and not at him, and is, in fact, clearly meant to be a show to make him feel better, Valen still cowers a little.
Kane barely takes note of the fact that despite appearances, this vampire is a man, in face of the rules being thrown his way. This vampire, Valen, is apparently not his peer, but his superior. And if Valen looks like that... what are they going to do to him, when he's even lower?
"Yes, ma- Miss Ari," he agrees hurriedly. "I understand. I know my place. I will not hurt him or touch him or touch anything else or..." He hesitates. Valen already looks scared of him. He's breaking that rule right now. "I, I'll try my best not to scare him. I won't do it on purpose," he settles on.
"Good boy," says Ari.
Kane has always had mixed feelings about being called good boy by the few hunters that do. Being called good is safe, but... it's so infantilizing. If he were in a position where he didn't have much bigger problems, he would hate it. But it's the least of his worries, now.
"I think you'll like each other," says Lex, who seems delighted, like she's setting up a playdate with two puppies. "Oh, we should probably clean you off, huh? Do you want to take a bath?"
“Yeah, you're…” says Ari. “Um. Kind of gross-looking.”
Kane's heart soars at the possibility. "A bath? A, a real bath? Not a hose?" he asks, brimming with hope. He hasn't even seen soap in years.
"Yeah!" says Lex. "Come on."
The bathroom is upstairs, so Ari carries him again, and Lex starts running the water. “Oh, um, do you want some privacy?” says Lex. “If…I mean, you probably won’t try to go out the window or anything.”
“Yeah, you can have privacy for the bath if you want it,” says Ari. “If you don’t think you’ll need help getting in and out of the tub.”
Kane is so grateful for the opportunity. He'd be mortified if he was forced to strip the little clothing he was still allowed in front of these human women. "Thank you, yes, please. I'd love to be allowed privacy. Thank you so much."
"Okay, I'm gonna wait outside the door then if you need help," says Lex.
Lex brings in a fluffy bath towel and a washcloth, and they shut the door. Lex stays outside it as promised, while Ari goes downstairs.
Kane can hear Valen and Ari talking distantly, but can’t make out the words. Valen sounds vaguely stressed.
He tries to focus on what he’s been gifted. He hasn't experienced a joy like this in a very long time. He's finally allowed to bathe. He removes his shorts, washing those as best he can first and setting them on the edge of the tub to dry. The water quickly turns reddish-brown as he scrubs blood and filth and dead burnt skin from himself, and he ends up draining and refilling the tub. Finally being allowed to be clean is a privilege he never thought he'd enjoy again.
When he's done, he dries himself off with the wonderfully fluffy towel and puts his now-damp shorts back on. He keeps the towel wrapped around himself, daring to hope he might be allowed to keep it. Valen is allowed clothing, he notes, but they like Valen better than they like him.
"All done, Miss Lex," he calls out.
Lex opens the door. She has a handful of clothes: a long-sleeved shirt, long pants, and socks. "Okay, you--oh, you, uh, you wanted to keep those shorts? I thought maybe we would just throw them out, they look pretty worn, but, but if you would rather just wear those, that's fine I guess."
Kane stares in awe at the clothes Lex carries. For him. He'll be allowed to cover up again. He's giddy at the thought, but quickly panics when she suggests taking his shorts away. "Thank you so much for allowing me clothing. I'm so, so grateful. Um, I would prefer to keep them, if that's okay, please. They're all I have left. They're the only thing I have left. Please."
Lex is a bit perturbed. Thank you for allowing me clothing is just a fucked up thing to hear anyone say. "Um, okay. Well, you can put these on, if you want to, and then come out again. We can put your shorts in the washing machine so they can be actually clean. Just leave them in the bathroom and I’ll come get them later." She puts the clothes on the counter and shuts the door again.
Kane shivers with nervousness, wondering what he said wrong, to make Lex look upset. She asked if he wanted to keep his shorts, but maybe he gave the wrong answer? He hopes she really does give them back.
He removes the shorts, putting his new clothes on in exchange. He sighs in contentment: it feels so good to not be exposed. Even when the torture starts, he can take it, if he's allowed comforts like baths and clothes.
"Done again, Miss Lex."
Lex comes in. "Okay. Oh, I forgot about your wrists already. Here." She takes some gauze out of the medicine cabinet. She also takes out some antibiotic ointments and starts rubbing it gently on Kane's torn flesh, before wrapping them up in gauze. "There, how's that?"
"That's... lovely. Thank you. No one's ever..." Kane can't help but start to cry again. He's clean and clothed and his injuries are being cared for. He would do anything for Lex, he decides.
"Hey, hey, it's okay," says Lex. She gently caresses his jawline.
Kane goes rigid as human flesh approaches his mouth, not daring to breathe as he waits out the touch. He's so hungry. Eventually, Lex pulls her hand back, and he relaxes.
"Let's go back downstairs, huh?” Lex suggests. “I just realized we introduced Valen to you, but we forgot to introduce you to him."
He's nervous about the prospect. The other vampire sounded disapproving even from upstairs, and it's quickly becoming apparent that Valen is a third authority as well as a fellow captive. He has to make a good impression, or Valen could make his life hell.
Lex helps him down the stairs. She doesn't carry him, but she does hold his arm to keep him from falling.
In the dining room, Ari has dragged an easy chair from the living room out into the middle of the floor. She's piled the sleeping bag and a couple of blankets on the chair. "Um," she says, scratching her head. "We only have our bed, and the pullout couch, so this is the best I could come up with. This is good, right? You can use these in whatever combination you want to, make yourself a little nest I guess. Kind of lame, but..." She shrugs.
Kane can't believe what he's seeing. "I... get to sleep on that?" he asks incredulously. "With, with blankets? Not on the floor?" He takes a step closer to the inviting chair.
"Yeah, man, go ahead," says Ari. "I just moved it out of the living room because Valen said he'd prefer not to sleep in the same room." Ari pulls the handle on the side to show him the chair reclines and a footrest comes out.
Kane stumbles toward the recliner, sitting on it and wrapping himself up in blankets. It's so comfortable, and with the blankets, he can cover himself completely. He won't have to worry about those curtains being brushed aside, he'll be entirely protected from the sun.
"Thank you! Thank you so much!" He snuggles further into his little nest. "Um, did I do something to, to upset or offend Valen? I didn't mean to." He knows Valen can probably hear him, and hopes he takes this as a sign of well-meaning from him.
"Nah," says Ari. "You haven't been here long enough to do anything like that."
"He just gets nervous," says Lex. "He doesn't usually get along well with other vampires. Why don't we go talk to him?"
Kane reluctantly unwraps himself and stands back up. "Yes, please." He wants to befriend this other vampire, if possible. Someone he could count on as an ally. Valen would be able to count on Kane as an ally, too. He could definitely relate to getting nervous.
When he's led back to the other room, he kneels, remembering that Valen is his superior, and timidly introduces himself. "My name is Kane. You don't need to be scared of me. I behave. I will follow the rules. I have no desire not to." No hurting, touching, scaring, or touching his things. "I hope that we can get along...? I haven't, haven't spoken to another vampire in a long time. I don't want any trouble. I get nervous, too... sir."
It feels strange referring to another vampire as 'sir', but Valen is above him, so he errs on the side of caution. He hopes he's correct about the gender, following the hunters' lead when they’d called Valen ‘him’.
Valen scrambles backwards a little bit, eyeing Kane strangely as he kneels down in submission. "Um. Th-thank you, I suppose, but please don't kneel, sir," Valen continues. It feels a little bit better that this strange man is on the floor rather than looming over him while he is bed bound, but it feels...weird. It reminds him too much of when he'd been living with the nobility. And...when people supplicated before you, usually that meant things were expected of you. He'd also added the "sir" on the end out of habit, before realizing how weird it was for two people to both be calling each other sir out of deference.
Kane stands as ordered, heart sinking when he sees that Valen's fangs have been pulled. They’re starting to grow back in, but it's obvious they were missing at one point. Kane knows the feeling well. It's definitely not the worst punishment there is, but it's still horrible. He supposes he'd better prepare for it. But that's okay, he has comforts now. He can deal with having his fangs pulled if he gets to live like this.
"I feel like maybe I've seen you before, um... I want to say... de Sang? Is that correct?" Valen asks.
He freezes when Valen pulls out his last name. "Yes, that's, that's correct. I... don't feel I have the right to call myself a de Sang anymore, honestly." He narrows his eyes, trying to recognize the vampire before him. He doesn't, so he thinks about the name. Valen. Does he know any Valens? Not really. The only one he can think of is Priscus Kithrara's wife, who he'd never spoken to beyond simple exchanges of 'hello's decades ago at a party, and besides, she was a woman. But they did look very similar, even despite Valen's sunken cheeks that matched his own.
Oh. It clicks suddenly that Valen is not a just feminine-appearing man, but likely a transsexual. Priscus's wife and the man before him are one and the same.
"...Valen Kithrara? Priscus's wife- um, husband?" he questions with a tilt of his head, unsure of the correct terminology.
Valen folds his hands on his lap delicately. "Yes, that's--that's me. Please don't be embarrassed about, um, not understanding my sex. Queer folks are often--often confusing to some people." His glance flickers over to Ari quickly. "Um, yes, I suppose legally I'm a wife...Priscus often took me to events to mingle with the upper class. We saw each other, um...I don't remember what the event was exactly, but...I just remember you were very rude to the waitstaff."
Ari lets out a guffaw. "Uh-oh, looks like our second pickup is a fancy boy! Maybe we should let him take the queen bed upstairs!"
Kane's face reddens. "I apologize. I have changed a lot since then. I am not rude anymore." The thought of even trying to be rude to someone sends shivers down his spine. He almost feels like he's going to be punished for the event Valen brought up. "I don't want any trouble. Please."
"No trouble is good," says Valen. "We like no trouble. But, may I ask how you ended up here?"
The hunters already know, and Valen is unlikely to judge him, having married into nobility himself. "I was attempting to capture a human. My lack of persuasion made me an easy target for hunters, and made them feel safe keeping me to, to torment for their entertainment. I was a fool, simply put."
Valen starts to tear up. "They--they tormented you just for entertainment? That's--that's horrible."
Valen also vaguely remembers hearing about this member of the nobility who couldn't use persuasion, apparently a great embarrassment, though he couldn't imagine why anyone would care. He decides not to comment on it though, since it's probably a sore subject.
Kane shrugs. "Entertainment, or a proxy for revenge against whatever vampire had gotten away from them." He wants to ask about Valen's injuries. Does he often break the rules? Is that why he's so broken, given that the hunters here don't torture for fun? He'll wait until the hunters leave them alone to ask, though he doesn't want to be away from Lex. "I am very grateful to be here, where the punishments are... given for reasons?"
Valen looks hesitantly at Lex and Ari. He hadn't been worried about punishments before, but now he is, since it's been brought up. He wants to reassure Kane that there aren't punishments here, but he can't in good conscience because now he's nervous it's not true.
Lex also wants to reassure Kane there aren't punishments here, but she knows Ari would see that as giving him free reign to misbehave without fear of consequences.
Ari wants to reassure Kane there aren't punishments, but she's worried that would put Valen ill at ease if Kane thinks he can hurt him, since there's no punishment for doing so.
In the end they all just sort of shuffle awkwardly as Kane's tentative statement hangs in the air.
Kane is, funnily enough, the only one at ease with this response. That confirms it, then. He won't be punished without reason. It's a mercy he's longed for for a long time. As long as he behaves, he might not be hurt at all. It's too good to be true. He relaxes just a little bit.
"Um!" says Lex, breaking the silence. "Okay, well, Bailey and Jerome are going to come over soon, since we told them we're home now! That'll be nice, won't it?" Bailey and Jerome had offered to help with feeding, and Lex had asked them to be on call tonight since she had a sneaking suspicion they'd have two hungry vampires to feed today, and since Lex was still recovering it probably wasn't the best idea to let either of them feed from her, and Ari certainly couldn't feed two starving vampires on her own.
Valen perks up. "Oh, yes, that will be nice." He looks at Kane. "It'll be nice."
Kane tentatively trusts Valen. Valen is like him. What reason would he have to lie? He nods. "I'm looking forward to it, then. Um, why is it nice?"
Valen smiles softly. "Last time they were here, they both let me feed from them. And then we played a board game, and they let me win."
Kane falls back down to his knees. There's no way. There's no way these hunters are going to feed him, right? No matter how kind they are, even Lex?
But... they'd given him a bath, and clothing, and a comfortable place to sleep, and confirmed that punishment would only come for a reason. Valen was clearly starved, so meals were unlikely to be a regular occurrence, but something is better than nothing. He wants blood so badly.
However, there's the possibility only Valen will be allowed to feed, not him. The golden child. We like him better than you, Ari had said. Maybe Kane is too low to be worthy of food. If he has to watch Valen feed while he continues to go hungry, he's going to lose his mind.
"Please, please, please allow me blood. I'll do anything." He looks up at Lex and Ari desperately, tearing up again. "Please, it's been years, I need it. Please, please, please! I'll be good, I'll be so good, I'll do anything, please!"
"Christ alive," says Ari. "Calm down. We're not going to starve you."
Lex smiles kindly at him and pats his head. "Of course we'll let you have some blood. Okay? That's why they're both coming over. More blood to go around." She giggles like this is very funny.
Kane buries his face in his hands and cries. "Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I don't know what to say. I don't know how I could possibly repay your kindness. Thank you."
"Do you want a hug?" Lex asks.
He wants a hug so, so badly, but he knows it's a bad idea. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. "Yes, please, but, um, m-maybe after? For... safety." If Kane ruined this by biting Lex, he would never forgive himself.
Lex laughs. "All right, good thinking." She puts a hand to the bite on her neck. "Don't know if I'd make it through another pointy hug, haha." Valen blushes fiercely at this.
For a moment, Kane is horrified. Lex didn't get that mark from hunting, she got it from Valen. That explains his injured state... kind of. Broken legs, burns, and pulled fangs are an extremely light punishment for biting. He was left out in the sun for a week for even trying to bite. He's once again filled with hope that his life here will be far, far less painful than his time with his old captors.
Don't blow it. He has one chance. As long as he's not sent back, he'll be okay.
Lex perks up, as though remembering something. "Oh! You know what, since you don't have any belongings, I bet you'd like something huh? I can give you a present!"
Ari rolls her eyes. "Here we go. Lex, they're grown men, I'm sure they don't want-"
"I can go buy-"
"You will choose from the ones you already have, you hoarder. Pick your least favorite ones. There's no room for me on the damn bed with all those things on there."
Lex pouts. "Fine." She goes upstairs for a few minutes and comes back down with two stuffed animals, a bear and a cat. "Don't listen to Ari, we all love stuffed animals. Valen already has some stuff so I think Kane should get to pick first. Which one do you want?" She holds them both up like they are very enticing prizes.
Kane is perplexed by Lex's offer. Ari is right, he's far too old for children's toys. But he finds it sweet that Lex is so excited about it, and... he has nothing. This would be something that's his.
He looks to Valen for a sign of whether he has a particular preference. Kane has none, and he knows his place. When he sees no indication, he hesitantly decides, "...The cat, if that's alright?"
"Haha, awesome!" says Lex, and she hands him the cat. She then puts the bear on Valen's lap.
"We can maybe get you some other stuff soon," says Ari. "Is there anything that you'd want? It looks like Lex's clothes fit you well enough, so we can just get some more clothes in that size."
Ari is offering him a blank cheque. An opportunity to request anything he wants. He didn't have anything beyond his shorts when he woke up today, but now he has a bath, clothes, blankets, a soft place to sleep, kind wardens, the promise of blood, and... a child's toy. Kane stares blankly for a few moments, completely overwhelmed. The only thing he really wants right now is blood. "Um... I, I don't know. You've already given me so much..."
"Okay, well you just let us know if you think of anything." Ari winks. "I'm sure you'll think of something while you're sitting here bored. Although, maybe Valen will let you read his books if you ask nicely."
"Th-that's fine," says Valen. "If you promise to be careful with them. Although, um, you might find them dreadfully boring. And not--and just don't touch The Natural History of Viruses. If you really want that one, I can read it to you aloud, but--but please don't touch it." Valen becomes a little panicked, realizing he's basically just pointed out the fastest and easiest way to hurt his feelings.
"I won't touch. It was one of the rules," Kane agrees hurriedly. "I'll be good, I swear. I don't, don't want any trouble. I know how to behave. I won't touch anything of yours without permission."
Valen beams. Maybe this won't be so bad. Kane is at least polite.
Valen and Kane hear the footsteps on the porch before the two humans do, followed by a knock on the door. Ari comes over and opens it, and Bailey saunters in. "Yooo-hooo, I brought the blood you ordered. Get it while it's hot."
Kane is not close to the path of the sunlight streaming in, but he staggers backward away from it anyway, clutching his plush to his chest fearfully.
Jerome comes in next, carrying a board game. "Well, I have it on good authority mine tastes better."
"And whose authority is that?" asks Ari.
"My own," says Jerome. "If I try really, really hard, I can make my blood taste like licorice. I'm the world's lamest X-man."
"You piece of shit," Bailey wheezes. They shut the door behind them, once again blocking out the sun, although it's starting to set outside.
Kane’s anxiety dissipates quickly. The door is closed again, and these men are here to feed him. He salivates at the concept, staring at them hungrily.
Despite the fact that Valen was the one who insisted this will be nice, he starts trembling a little even as he says hi. It still activates his fight-or-flight response to be in the presence of four hunters, especially so injured and unable to move, and especially especially now that there's also an additional male vampire here.
"And who's this one who's staring at me like I'm a nice juicy steak?" asks Bailey light-heartedly.
"Go ahead and introduce yourself," Lex encourages.
Kane winces, casting his gaze down. "S-sorry, sir. I'm sorry. My name is Kane de Sang. I didn't mean to seem presumptuous."
"Ha! You're good," says Bailey. He looks like he is about to give Kane a good-natured slap on the back, but then thinks better of it.
"So polite," says Jerome. "You sure do know how to pick out the polite ones, Ari."
"Turns out if you beat the shit out of them for months or years, they get really polite," huffs Ari.
"Well," says Bailey. "Lex and Ari told us about your little predicament, and they told us they were gonna take you home if you passed their smell test, so it looks like you're not a total piece of shit if you're here, and that means you get to eat." He does jazz hands. "So me and him are both on the menu, who wants to order what?"
"Valen already got an extra feeding recently," says Lex. "So Kane should get to pick who he wants to feed from."
"I have more blood," quips Bailey. "Just by volume. Although it doesn't taste like licorice, if that's what you're after."
Kane's heart bursts with joy. He's not a total piece of shit, and that means he gets to eat. It's the best news he's heard in years.
"More blood," he answers immediately, looking to Bailey with pleading eyes. "If, if that's alright, sir."
"Great!" Bailey drops his bag. "Might as well do that first, no sense making you wait around."
"One at a time," says Ari. "And let Valen eat first, so Kane can watch and copy him." Obviously Kane has fed from a human before--probably much more than Valen has, in fact--but it's been a long time, and Ari thinks it might help Kane know how to do it if Valen models for him.
"Guess that means I'm up first then," says Jerome. He takes a small knife out of his pocket, unsheathing it. "I gotta do it myself since V doesn't have any fangs right now. Hey, you're like an actual proper vampire, aren't you, Kane? Who's, like, fed from humans before? What would you say is the least painful spot to get blood from? Cuz last time I tried my palm and yeesh, that ain't it."
Valen blushes a little at the implication that he's not a "proper" vampire.
Kane backs away, horrified by the scene unfolding in front of him. This human is going to bleed, and expect him to just stand here and watch, and he's not going to be able to do it. He's going to fail, he's going to blow it, this wonderful dream of a life is going to be snatched away from him and they're going to take him back.
"Wait wait wait! I can't, I won't be able to stay still, please!" The horrible thought that all these niceties were just a taunt so that they could set him up to fail crosses his mind. Is it some kind of sick mind game? "I, I want to be good! Please don't do it in front of me, I won't be able to be good, I just wanna be good!"
Ari clicks her tongue. "Oh, ah, right..." She's thinking of the way Valen couldn't control himself for five seconds and went into a feeding frenzy upon smelling blood. It might be even worse for Kane, since it's been so much longer since he's fed. "Kane feeds first then. Okay, Valen?"
"Yes," says Valen, voice small. "That's fine."
"Me first, then," says Bailey. "The question stands, where's the least painful place to get bitten? I feel like you'd know better than any of us."
"...I don't know. I've only ever fed from the neck," Kane admits. I never asked. I just took what I wanted and never cared how he felt about it. There's no way he can possibly say that, though the implication is there. Guilt surges through him at the thought. He shouldn't have held Jim captive at all, but even if he did, he still could have been much kinder.
"Psssht," says Bailey. "Ugh, fine then. Well, you're not getting my neck. How about a forearm?" He holds his left forearm out, offering Kane the meat near his elbow.
"Just be gentle," instructs Ari. “And pull away when he tells you to stop, and lick it closed when you're done."
"Thank you so much, sir," Kane says, full of gratitude. He bites down as gently as he can, almost unbelieving that this is happening. The decadent taste of blood fills his mouth for the first time in years, and he can't help but cry from the relief, feeling as though he's being made whole again. He drinks and drinks and drinks, like the man is offering him life itself. He's never felt this good in his entire life. It tastes like nothing he could ever have imagined, it's the best blood he's ever had, settling warmly in his no-longer-empty stomach. Bailey says something, but all he can focus on is the sweet, delicious blood.
Ari grabs a fistful of hair and forcefully yanks his head back. "Hey," she growls. "He said that's enough."
Kane gasps, the best moment of his life shattered by the terrifying realization that he messed up. It's been mere hours, and he's already blown it. He's not going to get the same privileges as Valen, the one they like better, let off with a few broken bones and his fangs pulled.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm s-sorry, I'm so sorry!" His breathing picks up, quick with panic, his gentle, relieved crying morphing into terrified sobs. "P-please don't send me back, I'm so sorry, please, I can't go back there, I can't! I'm so sorry, please, I didn't mean to! Please don't m-make me go back, I'll do anything!" he wails.
He remembers the last part of his orders: Lick it closed when you're done. He can't lean forward to do so while Ari is holding his hair, but he sticks his tongue out, trembling.
Ari flicks his nose. "Put that away." She looks at his trembling, terrified form for a few moments and then sighs. "Yeah, okay, I guess that's on us. We know how hard it is for starving vampires to control themselves. All things considered, that was pretty tame. This might be a problem if you keep doing it when you start to get some strength back, but you didn't really hurt Bailey at all." She releases him.
Kane collapses to the floor, putting his tongue away as ordered. He kneels, looking first to Ari. "Th-thank you for your mercy, Miss Ari. Thank you for giving me another chance. I wouldn't do it if I wasn't starving, I would never. Thank you so, so much."
He looks up at Bailey next, still shaking. "I'm so sorry, sir. I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for allowing me food. I don't know what I can possibly do to repay you. I'm so, so sorry."
"Hey, you're good," says Bailey. "Accidents happen. I'm not gonna let you win at Monopoly now, though." He winks, then strips off his outer layer to reveal an undershirt that says BLOOD DONOR, a shit-eating grin on his face.
Ari squats down in front of Kane, sighing. "Okay, clearly this wasn't a fair shot because we let Valen drink from a drinking glass, and he got to eat as much as he wanted. So we can let you have a double portion today, I still have all my blood, so you can give me a little nibble too."
Kane is completely stunned. He's not being sent back, he's not being punished at all, and he's actually being rewarded. She's going to give him more blood. "Thank you, Miss Ari." he says, feeling like a broken record, looking at her like she's a god. "I, I don't know what to say. This is... so much more than I deserve. Thank you so much. I won't mess up again, I promise." He's fuller now, his head clearer. He knows he will be able to keep his head steady enough to control himself.
"Well, you're literally starving." She clicks her tongue and ruffles his hair. "Just don't say I never did nothing for ya." She holds her own forearm out. "I am going to keep my hand on your head and pull you away when you're done, though."
Kane melts into the touch. He hasn't been touched kindly since long before his captivity began. "You and Miss Lex have done everything for me, everything I could ever want. Thank you." He's more at ease with the precaution. He can't fail, now. He gently sinks his fangs into her arm, relaxing as he drinks more sweet, sweet blood. He's able to keep his head clear, this time. He looks up and makes eye contact with Ari to prove it, to show he's listening, that he can be good.
Ari is a little bit amused by this, she has the dirty thought that this is sort of how Lex looks at her submissively while giving her oral. She threads her fingers into his hair. "Good boy," she says. After drinking for a bit, she pulls him away. "There, how's that feel?"
Kane is completely mortified by the statement, flushing red and breaking eye contact immediately. He really doesn't know how he feels about it, safe and uncomfortable at the same time, but that doesn't matter. He's being fed.
As soon as he feels Ari start to tug his head back, he licks her wound closed as he's pulled free of her. "Feels amazing. I never thought I'd get to feel full again. Thank you so, so much."
Ari hums. "Good. Will it be a problem for you to watch Valen eat now?"
"No, Miss Ari. I can control myself now." Kane says. It occurs to him that he's just made Valen wait to eat. Not the best way to make a good first impression. Once Ari lets go of him, he turns to Valen apologetically. "I apologize, Mr. Kithrara. I didn't mean to make you wait. It won't happen again."
Valen smiles. "Oh, that's--that's all right. I've been feeding every day for the past few days, so-so it's only fair that you get to go first. You were." His cheeks flush. "You were actually a lot more restrained than I was when I broke my fast."
Kane swells with pride at the compliment. He's been restraining himself so long, it must finally be paying off.
Jerome comes over and makes a small cut along his forearm, extending it out to Valen. He meekly takes the proffered limb in both hands, licking daintily like a cat at a saucer of milk. When Jerome tells him to stop, he licks his lips and says, "Thank you for your generosity." Bailey then comes over and has Valen lick his wound closed as well, since Kane didn't get the chance. Bailey digs out a carton of juice from his bag and pops the lid open, drinking directly from it, sitting on the arm of the couch.
Kane studies Valen as he feeds, taking note. This is how the golden child behaves, the one the hunters like better. He will be sure to act similarly the next time he's allowed to feed. He sits on the floor, tired after everything that's happened today, even with a burst of renewed energy inside him.
"Aww, are you tired?" asks Lex, once again as though she's talking to a baby. "We were going to play Monopoly, would you rather not join us? You can just go to sleep if you like."
Both of these options sound lovely. Kane is overwhelmed by how good his life has suddenly become. "I can play, Miss Lex. I just can't stay upright for very long."
"I can't stay upright at all," says Valen, prompting a smattering of laughter from all the humans in the room.
They move a table near the couch so that Valen can play without having to be moved, and set up the game board. There's enough chairs for them all to squeeze around the table, although they have to squish together a little bit. Lex hands Valen the dice to roll on his turn, and she moves his token for him, since he can't reach the whole board.
Things get a little heated partway through the game when Ari starts to control more of the board, sending all the other players into a spiral of bankruptcy, and Bailey nearly flips the table when he keeps landing on her properties.
"Sorry," said Ari coolly. "Have you tried being better at the game?"
On Valen's turn, he hands Ari his entire stack of fake money, not nearly enough to pay off the outrageous debts he's racked up moving around the board. "I believe I am out of the game," he says.
"You can play on my team!" says Lex.
"That's not how it works!" Jerome shouts.
Kane is quickly becoming very anxious. He flinches at the shout, whimpering. He was doing reasonably well, but he doesn't want to play anymore. He sits rigidly, hoping that if he's quiet and still, no one will hurt him.
The table falls silent. Jerome looks at Kane. "Oh, hey, man, I'm not mad at you. Sorry, I just got a bit carried away."
Lex takes his hand and rubs it. "Were we a bit too rowdy? Sorry, I kind of forgot a bunch of people being loud might be scary."
This is insane. It feels so surreal, people actually caring. A human, a hunter, is holding his hand and comforting him. Another human, possibly also a hunter, apologized to him without having even done anything. "I'm sorry. Um, I didn't mean to flinch. I get scared easy. I know you're not mad at me."
Bailey lets out a breath. "It's getting late anyway. I'm sick of this stupid game. And I know you were cheating, Ari, I saw you taking money from the bank. We're playing Uno next time."
"Yeah, why don't we roll out," says Jerome. "See you, uh, I dunno when your next shift is." He packs up the game. "Nice to meet you, Kane, make sure you keep behaving yourself, yeah?"
That confirms it, then, that Bailey and Jerome are hunters as well. He never thought he'd feel happy to be around hunters, but he does. "Yes, sir, I will. It was nice to meet you both as well."
They pack up their things and leave. It's now fully night out.
"I'm beat," says Ari. "Are you all ready to go to bed?"
"Yes," says Valen quietly. He's already in bed. He mostly just goes to bed all the time already.
"Yes, Miss Ari," Kane agrees. "Thank you all so much. Today has been the best day of my entire life."
“Awwwww,” coos Lex. "Hey, do you want a hug now?"
"Yes, please." Kane melts into Lex's arms as she hugs him, finally able to be close to a human without having to restrain himself due to the gnawing hunger in the pit of his stomach. A few tears leak into her shoulder. "I haven't been hugged in a hundred years, I think."
"Jesus Christ," mutters Ari. She hadn't even considered how touch-starved someone could get being immortal. What a fucking sadsack they'd picked up.
Lex pets his hair. "Well, you can have hugs now if you want. You're being good."
"Can-can I also have a hug? When you're done?" pipes up Valen's small voice from behind her. He's looking at Kane enviously.
Lex chuckles. "Of course, plenty to go around." Lex gives Kane a final squeeze, then comes over and gives Valen an awkward side-hug, since he's sitting down.
Before they go, Kane asks what year it is. Upon hearing the answer, he mumbles, "Five years, then. It... felt like longer."
Ari grimaces. "Yeah, I bet. You think you'll be able to sleep okay tonight?"
"Definitely." Kane agrees. "It's so soft." The concept of being able to sleep in that blanket nest on a comfy chair is extremely enticing to him.
Ari rubs the back of her head. "Um, so listen, I wanted to apologize for what I said earlier. About how we like Valen better than you. What I meant by that, um, well..." She grimaces. "It's really complicated, okay, but we, uh, we kind of fucked up really, really badly and Valen ended up getting really hurt because of it, so we sort of feel like we owe him. And I just said that stuff because I wanted him to feel safer. But looking back it sounded kind of fucked up, so. Maybe I shouldn't have. Sorry."
Kane is touched by this. "Thank you, it's okay. I understand that I've been here less time than he has. You've been unbelievably kind to me."
Valen is also a little touched by this. Both by Ari’s confession that she feels like she owes him, but also seeing her apologize to Kane. His heart warms.
“Well,” says Ari. “Anyway. We’re going to bed. You’re allowed to move around the house if you want to, but don’t leave, okay? And if you want something, you can come knock on our door and wake us up.”
“I understand. Thank you both so much,” Kane says gratefully. “I have no desire to leave.”
After the women have gone upstairs, Kane turns to Valen. "Can I ask you some questions? What did you do to be punished like that?" He gestures to Valen's everything. "Just, just so I know how to behave."
Valen looks a bit scared to be asked such a thing like that. "Um, um I--I didn't do anything. I swear I didn't do anything."
"Oh." Kane's voice is suddenly small and scared. "But, but I thought... they said they wouldn't punish without a reason. It was a lie?"
"Oh, um, th-they didn't do this to me. It was someone else. They took me away from there. Well, I-I suppose they pulled my fangs, but that was just to convince the others I was dead. So he would stop looking for me." He shudders. "And I, um, broke my legs myself. Trying to run away. And, um." He fidgets with the metal collar. "They couldn't take this off me when we left, because they don't have the key, but they're going to figure something out eventually. They just can't ask for the key without letting him know I'm still alive."
Valen's explanation relaxes Kane tremendously. It wasn't them. "I'm sorry you're hurt. You seem very kind. It's a lot better here, though. Maybe we'll both be okay." He gives Valen a friendly smile.
"Thank you," says Valen. "I hope so. I hope you sleep well. I'm sorry you can't have a real bed."
"I've slept on a concrete floor for the past five years. I would be happy to have carpet, let alone an entire chair with blankets." Kane also wants to ask Valen how he ended up captured, but figures it may be rude to ask, especially because he seemed uncomfortable with the last question. "I hope you sleep well, too." “Thank you. Um, I know they said you are free to move about the house, but if you would please, I would request that if you want to come into the living room, you would announce yourself and ask first.” “Yes, of course.” Kane is thankful to be given explicit, easy-to-follow rules by both the hunters and Valen. He won’t blow it. He’ll be good.
Kane curls up in his easy chair, pulling the blankets over him so that every inch of him is completely covered, including his head. He's never been a stuffed animal person, but he rests the cat on the arm of the chair, glad for what it represents. Safety.
Kane is a very light sleeper, so hours later, he wakes to Valen crying in the next room. He hesitantly pokes his head out of the blankets, though he stays put in his chair. "Valen? Are you okay?" he calls softly.
Valen has been lying there for hours trying to sleep. He just can't seem to fall asleep anymore. Every night, as soon as he's lying down alone, the anxiety starts coming back.
Unsafe, you're unsafe. You're out in the open. There's no bars to stop anyone from hurting you.
He's so tired, he's on the verge of asking to just be locked in the coffin again so he can maybe finally just fucking fall asleep. And now he has this added stress of there being a man in the next room. Kane was nothing but perfectly polite and docile, and he seems to have less than zero interest in hurting Valen, but Valen is still vulnerable here, hurt even worse than Kane is. There would be nothing to stop him from walking on over, clapping a hand over Valen's mouth, and doing whatever he wants to him. And that's really all he can think about.
"Don't come in!" Valen cries. "Please!"
But no, that's stupid. If Kane came in and hurt him, he could just tell Lex and Ari the next morning. This wasn't like when Nick would just hurt him in secret, and he'd have no way to tell anyone about it. Nevertheless, he doesn't take back his plea to Kane, pulling the covers over his head, hugging the stuffed bear Lex gave him earlier.
Kane shrinks further into his chair. "I won't! I won't, I promise." Valen sounds scared. He supposes that they've been through something similar, it makes sense that Valen is scared. Alone is safe. No one can hurt you when you're alone, because there's no one else. "I'll stay right here. It's okay."
"Th-thank you. I’m sorry," says Valen. "…Can you, if you don't mind, can you try telling me that I'm safe? And that I don't need to try and run away?"
"It's okay. You're safe, Valen. You don't need to try and run away." The concept is baffling to Kane. Why would anyone want to run away from this paradise? And he can't run anyway, not with those legs. "Lex and Ari are kind and merciful, you're safe. You're going to be okay."
Valen sobs a little bit more. "Thank you. Okay. Sorry to wake you up. Good night."
"It's okay. I don't mind. I'm, I'm happy to help if you need anything. Good night."
Kane falls back asleep easily, nice and warm under his blankets. He can’t believe this is his life now. For the first time in years, he thinks that just maybe, he’s going to be okay.
-
once again thank you nasa for writing this with me :)
taglist (apologies if you got duplicated i just coped from both stories’ taglists):
@annablogsposts​
@cc1010foxy​
@darlingwhump​
@emcscared-whumps​
@nicolepascaline​
@oddsconvert​
@pumpkin-spice-whump​
@soursagas​
@thecyrulik​
@whump-cravings​
@whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump​
@whumpycries​
@annablogsposts​
@badluck990​
@barebarb​
@ceph-the-writing-spook​
@cicatrix-energy​
@crying-wings​
@crystalquartzwhump​
@cupcakes-and-pain​
@cyberneticfire​
@darlingwhump
@deluxewhump
@down-in-the-whumps
@elrysdoesstuff
@emcscared-whumps
@extemporary-whump
@extrabitterbrain
@harri-00
@iamtheshriekingguineapig
@icyheart-and-friends
@inpainandsuffering
@interdimensional-chaos
@kira-the-whump-enthusiast
@lactose-intolerant-egg
@lilac-and-lemon-whumps
@littlespacecastle
@little-whumpee
@lost-in-labradorite-halls
@magziemakeswhatever
@melancholy-in-the-morning
@morning-star-whump
@myhusbandsasemni
@mylifeisonthebookshelf
@neverthelass
@nicolepascaline
@nine-tailed-whump
@no-terms-and-conditions-apply
@not-a-space-alien
@nyooom
@octopus-reactivated
@oddsconvert
@onlybadendings
@owencarvourenthusiast
@pigeonwhumps
@pumpkin-spice-whump
@quietly-by-myself
@quirkykayleetam
@ramadiiiisme
@redwhump
@scp-1296
@secretwhumplair
@the-whumperfly-effect
@the-whumpers-grimm
@thecyrulik
@thegreatwhodini
@themarlo
@thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight
@t0rture-me
@vehan-tikkun-olam-and-stuff
@whump-blog-reblogs
@whump-cravings
@whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump
@whump-me-all-night-long
@whump-my-heart-away
@whump-queen
@whumperfully
@whumpthisway
@whumpilicious
@whumpshaped
@whumpwillow
@whumpworld
@whumpy-writings
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@whumpzone
@wits-and-wrongs
@wolfeyedwitch
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frotbitten · 3 months
Text
Long winding rant about bullshit under the cut, I warned you
what part of trans Tumblr am I even in. Every day I keep finding new [animal]girl[body part]s so I don't think it's that part of trans Tumblr. I refuse to post with any kind of seriousness so it probably isn't the theory girls as much as I appreciate them. I don't really hornypost much anymore although I'd like to change that. I guess it's largely up to how others see me. Why am I here?
I don't think I have the follower count to be clouted on here and frankly that seems hollow compared to the fun I had in just finding people (or people's accounts, as one such account pointed out to me) I could befriend or associate with to some degree. It's fun (? - wrong word but there's an enjoyability to it that makes it repeatable) to just care a little bit though I lack the proximity or resources for anything more than words with those people, so I get it might not be for everyone. I guess it's all I have in place of exchange of small trinkets with people met along travels I also don't have (although I do plan to exchange parcels or digital files with some of you and I'm looking forward to it). I'm worried there might be a critical mass at some point where I simply don't have time to meet new people because I have to keep up with old mutuals and balance real life friends and what not. If we're mutuals and you're reading this far and I haven't contacted you it's certainly nothing personal, you're recognisable to me most likely I just haven't had time/courage I probably think you're really cool.
So that also leads me to the question of my current Tumblr use pattern. This stuff is mental cigarettes for me. I'm on here hourly at least if I'm not completely preoccupied by, like, sleep, driving, sex, showering, random activities that require my full attention. Eating alone or shitting are not sacred frankly. Not sure that's very good for my cognitive health or just like. Life experience. How I relate to people IRL. That's had issues long before this account so it isn't the sole culprit but it's something to keep in mind. It reinforces a tendency for easy stimulation that I think can thwart conversational ability; it turns the other party's words into one-sided consumption with little consideration for reply (although my job does this as well, it's the whole point of it) and frames how you approach responses in a way that is less about a meaningful reply and more about. Idk. Generating something someone undefined approves of - no that's wrong. I just no longer feel in the moment in a lot of conversations, absorbed to a degree by time with another. I desperately want that back. This isn't really about Tumblr at all is it. This is about the very short loop that my brain goes through that prevents me from acquiescence to a moment. Nothing feels lived. It hasn't in a long time and I'm only getting flickers of it with HRT. Clearly dysphoria hasn't been my only problem for a long time but how would I know? My hormones haven't been right and
It's such a tough loop to even approach. Probing it mentally causes nausea. I was acutely aware of it the last time I was on psychedelics and I spent the whole time feeling ill. During it I could occasionally lose myself in something and then I would be dragged out by physically disgusting feelings in my gut and just anxiousness about it. But I notice "seed thoughts" for it now. I feel it before anything physical. It's odd. The thought is leaving my head now and I'm tipsy after day drinking. Where was I? "Love you all, talk soon", I think. Seems nice to end this on that.
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