#it sucks. i need therapy probably

[cyborgcatboys]

-- TAKING A BREAK --

hewwo, im gonna be taking a break from tumblr for the next while.

ive come to realize that im on tumblr wayyyy too much bc of my (newly found) ocd so im leaving for a while to try and deal with it (+ other stuff in the op tags)

i'll be back once im satisfied w/ my progress, but there is a chance i won't be back for months, so if u want to stay in contact send me a DM w ur discord or smthn, i'll check them a couple of times in the next couple days, but after that no tumblr at all.

so yeah, byebyes & i'll see u people later hopefully <3

#cybernetic meows #im putting more reasons why under the cut in the tags #xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx #okay so ive found that i probably have ocd and the whole chronological dash is actually quite bad for me bc ive gotten obsessive over #seeing every single post from all the blogs im following and thats just not really worth it in terms of time and #plus im quite lonely atm so seeing people on the dash being friends and having fun together is honestly making me feel sick and #a bit dysphoric #which just sucks but its not really anyones fault (but mine ig) #this break is mainly just so i can sort out life #finish exams get a job #get some mf therapy cuz yeah i def need it #try and connect w my local queer community hopefully #maybe try and move out but thats probly years away yet #anyway if u read this far thanks i appreciate it alot <3

[if-loki-was-a-fox]

Is there like. a CW tag people use for posts that are like "if you do xyz I'm committing acts of extreme violence on you / you should explode"? Cus I often feel kinda icky about interacting with those posts and I'd like to at least be able to tag it for other people who might be more significant effected by it to filter if I ever want to reblog one of them

#like they often have good points that I want to agree with and reblog #but I'm also not convinced that a lot of my morality anxiety isn't a build up of seeing those sort of thing #like. obviously this is just a me issue about being over-sensitive (and probably needing therapy or smthn) #but I think it subconsciously makes me think that if I ever fail at being a perfect being with flawless morals and no internalized biases #then I clearly *deserve* to be murdered in my sleep because why else would everyone be saying it? #which freaking sucks but idk how to get rid of it so #just gotta work around it for now until I get get my brain held together with something stronger than paperclips and scotch tape #is this moral scrupulosity? or some kind of ocd thing? #just me rambling

[queer-reader-07]

sometimes all you need is a cathartic cry before bed to reset your place in the universe

#i'm fine i promise #just. very overwhelmed and anxious about a lot of life things and the future and. yeah. #i think i also need sleep but we'll see if that happens #idk life is a lot and i'm happy with where i'm at but also constantly stressed about if i'm doing enough or the right thing #idk anxiety brain sucks and i could genuinely probably use some therapy but oh well #vent post #personal #just dumping my feels on ye old internet don't mind me

[callixton]

like genuinely What is going on with my sexuality rn. love the idea of gay sex with you unfortunately the idea of being touched by anyone else makes me feel sick rn. i know that’s new. yeah i also can’t stop thinking abt being punched by a specific boy. no yeah he’s straight that’s a dead end.

#i NEED to get back on t that might fix some things #i’ve been good abt scheduling appointments maybe i can actually get on that #hold on. this is maybe in my power rn brb #i did it :) gonna be an early day which will suck hard but i think it’s worth it #anyway back to my original point probably some of this would be good to discuss in at therapy now that i’m going sometime . how the Fuck do #- you breach that though #i would also like to be able to have normal fucking sex without feeling like crawling out of my body #i really am regressing to high school that’s the last time my dysphoria was too bad to stand the thought #also it’s what i want regardless at this juncture by why is it so centered around that boy & why did it have to happen like that now yknow #ted talks #🗡️ #🥊.txt #minors dni #<- talk abt a holy trinity

[yaoiconnoisseur]

I’m feeling deeply unhappy with everything and I’m unsure if it’s due to stress or if it’s the depression

#or maybe it’s a mixture of both #:/ #this has probably been the shittiest holiday season ive had in a long time #definitely not the worst. but no where close to one of the best #i just want to curl up and disappear for a while #im so tired of dealing with my partner’s mom and sister #theyre so high strung. i cant deal with it #not with everything else going on #and now i have news that my mom’s husband is having really bad medical issues to the point where #they’re discussing what happens if he dies #and im like. idk. half numb to it half super upset #i like him ig but it’s more i like him because he makes my mom happy #im mostly just upset with the idea of my mom being widowed twice #i probably need therapy for how i feel towards him since 90% of it is ‘keep him at arms length so i dont get attached to #and lose another father figure that my mom is with’ #what sucks is if he does die i’ll have to do that whole funeral without my partner since he cant travel due to recovering from his own sur #gery #god. fuck. can i catch a goddamn break? #anyway thanks for reading if you made it this far lol #i just needed a moment to vent #they speak

[pepprs]

hm. i think i am going to stop going to counseling. he does not understand me. he pathologizes things that are not pathological.

#purrs #the premises of counseling / therapy are that you need to have boundaries and be self sufficient and fully healed. FUCK THAT! relationships #are not transactions. we are allowed to need each other. we are allowed to blur lines. we are human and messy. our thoughts and feelings are #PRECIOUS. im not letting go of my thoughts they mean EVERYTHING to me they are the key to the WORLD. im not letting go of redacted why on #EARTH would i stop redacteding to redacted that is HELPFUL for me. i don’t CARE about the roots. who the fuck is it hurting????? NO ONE!!!!! #the way he flat out told me he agrees with my mom. bitch im done forever. im done literaly forever. i don’t know how to tell him but im done #forever. maybe it’s just my id which is what he said to me LMFAO and like maybe i just don’t like being uncomfortable or facing hard truths. #but i don’t fucking think it’s TRUE!!!!!!!!!! yeah i need to grow yeah i have unhealthy behaviors. but i don’t need to let go of the whole #THING bc of some arbitrary transactional concept of what relationships are supposed to be / mean. ive NEVER had a counselor try to uproot th #the whole damn thing like omg what is WRONG with you. i #im paying this man $25 a week to UNDERSTAND me and not ONCE have i felt understood by him. counselors can disagree with me but i literally #never feel like he is on my side. he’s adhering to conventional ideas about what parents are supposed to be and friends are supposed to be a #and work is supposed to be etc etc. and so patronizingly said just enjoy being 23 you don’t wanna waste your 20s! FUCK YOU. i will not #regret anything even if it’s unusual. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! #and also i know he probably watches back thru the recordings and has like his supervisor and professors watch them too which means that #there is a whole team of scientists + my family studying me in a lab and thinking im insane and finding ways to tell me. but fucking bold of #him to assume he can give me any meaningful valuable insight when he is actively checking his laptop / phone during our sessions and rarely #if eve gives me a chance to drive MY OWN CONVERSATION THAT IM PAYING FOR and is so phony abt being on the recording. like Omg. maybe im just #grown out of it. it fucking SUCKS bc i actually have things i am not normal about and really need help with and i can’t actually get help fr #from ppl whose job it is to fucking help me bc they think im not normal about things i PROMISEEEE i am normal about. and the way i effective #effectively told him that and he responded that he can’t take that credibly bc there’s no action behind it BY WHICH HE MEANS I HAVENT #STOPPED REDACTEDING TO ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT REDACTED IN MY WHOLE LIFE? THAT I HAVENT DECIDED IM DONE LEARNING SND GROWING AND CUT IT #OFF?????? DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF. INSANE. the ANTITHESIS of human. we are MEANT TO BE CONNECTED. FUCK!!!!!!!!! #delete later #my old counselors challenged me and disagreed with me b it i never felt like they flat out were unwilling to meet me where i am and #compromise with me. is that not what counselors are supposed to do???? or have i just had bad counselors until now??? because im NORMAL. i #swear to fucking god. im normal. im literally normal and it is not doing ANYONE harm. what is wrong with you. GOD

[froshele]

today in the wild I came across a phrase to the effect "...And this [pair of ethical axioms about what constitutes quality of life for purposes of discussion about disability and coma prognosis, based on the opinion of one person who has not ever been in a coma or disabled thereafter] suggests that maybe, just maybe, [relevantly comatose or recovering or disabled] people may have quality of life sufficient to make them ethically relevant"

that's ... not, um, normally considered to be what makes people "ethically relevant" in the world where all the people are and there's sunshine and grass and things, but, you know what, ok jennifer, A for effort! :) gold star for you, philosopher extraordinaire, moral lodestar for people unsure what to do with granny, paragon of ethical conduct!

#they had to put me in a coma because i declined really fast after pediatric brain surgery #it was not a long coma by most standards but i had to get so so much physical and other therapy about it #like i was out here relearning to walk and speak it was a really long recovery #people like this are of an opinion that people like me are ~simply suffering too much~ to be ~ethically relevant~ #which i think is a particularly shit form of pseudobenevolent ableism #what degree of pain do i have to experience before the invisible hand of Ethics decides i shouldn't be resuscitated if I fail #how much does my life get to suck before jennifer here decides it isnt worth living and what will that décision mean #objectively of course i was doing all of this in ukraine so the opinion of this ethicist-panelist would not have been worth anything at all #but i was so close to like being euthanized like a little mop dog #not formally exactly but my mom told me once that she thought about smothering me a lot while i was in recovery #and it was entirely because she was terminally theorybrained about suffering and life-quality in the same type of way #and if it were a medical availability i probably would not be here because i was so absurdly difficult and expensive to raise #and its just like man. i am begging you to remember the humanity of the subjects when you put these things in science papers #im having an ok morning globally i just want to blog about this on the internet to get the thing it brought back to me out of my system #i grew up with meaningful and painful disabilities + the fact that my neurology miraculously knit together into something “more workable” i #totally coincidental actually. what if it didnt? if it didnt + i was still in pain from the sun and wobbled like an earsick kitten then??? #that was the thing here like there was a 70/30 chance I would have needed a talking board and power chair #i am glad i do not but i am also very sensitive about this type of covert desire to decide about their right to live for people who do #i dont remember a lot of my childhood but i remember a lot of that pity laced with something i can now identify as revulsion to my pain #and i remember that i didnt understand it and that all i wanted was to be like other kids who were wanted and hoped for and believed in #and i dont know like its an individual thing its a family thing whatever but yesterday i had a weird trauma memory moment #that was about being displaced a little bit #which is an awfully vulnerable thing to put here but i am not asking for your sympathy i am just saying i was tender and a bit insane #and then i stepped on this rake! good morning insane asylum 《sunshine》 #today will be a better day than this #im going to make the tags froshgriping and froshplaks for my bitching and personal sniveling feel free to blacklist them #froshgriping #froshsniveling #froshplaks

[bucky-barnes-diaries]

Some venting in the tags because sometimes it’s easier to vent into the void than talk to my therapist 🙂 Although I should probably make an appointment and bring this up with her. Don’t mind me being depressed for a minute 😂 Carry on with your whoring and other shenanigans

#I’m so deeply depressed that it’s not even funny anymore 🙂 #Even with all the help I’m getting with therapy and how wonderful my parents are in letting me know that they’re here for me and will help #me no matter what I’m still so fucking depressed and bordering falling into a deep dark fucking hole 🙂 #And I feel so guilty because with all this help and love? I surely shouldn’t be feeling like this? #It just fucking sucks and I literally just want to disappear into a fucking cabin in the woods away from all the bullshit #that’s making me so depressed and miserable. #This is kind of dark but I don’t want to live but at the same time I don’t want to die(?) #Idk I find pleasure and joy sometimes in the small things but at the same time I just don’t feel any real joy or light deep inside me. #It kind of feels fake? Forced maybe? This joy I sometimes get. Because I think I just feel empty mostly. #Like there is no real life in me or something. I always think I’m overreacting or being dramatic but this is literally how I feel. #I’ve been trying to suppress this for so long and act like everything fine but I don’t have the strength for that anymore tbh. #So idk? Am I actually depressed or just overreacting? I should probably be asking my therapist this and not the Tumblr void 😂 #and I’m sending a little hug and strength out into the dark void of anyone needs it 🫂

[piplupod]

i am going to be soooo fucked for this therapy appt _(:_」∠)_

#going to just play sudoku i guess. fuck me fuck this fuck sleep #doesnt help that im also an insomniac dhdjdmsl so. weh. #I've ran through five whole scenes for my story writing and usually i only get thru one at most before sleep hits #the issue is every time I think mother is done moving around upstairs she starts up again #and then i get upset and then my heart starts pounding and then i Definitely cannot sleep #and then by the time i settle down and am just abt to drift off she starts moving around again and it repeats over and over and over #i feel so ill dnfkdl i wish i was sick rn too so that I'd be allowed to be outwardly miserable and she might care that she's keeping me up #but alas dndksl i havent caught whatever it is that both parents have had now (not covid apparently) so i just have to keep being nicey nice #i hate this so much djfkdl she is sick and that sucks so bad and she is miserable and thats awful but also. i would like to sleep. #but i should not be upset bc she is suffering and if i wanted to sleep so bad i just Would i guess. i must not need sleep if i cant sleep #like if i rly needed it I'd probably be able to sleep through any amount of noise ? idk #hello 3am my most despised frenemy. i love you for being a good number but i hate seeing you bc it means im Awake #if i cry in my therapy appt maybe something good will happen !! maybe i will be taken away and put somewhere safe where i can sleep #eeuggfhhhh. weh. whiny whiny sorry fjfkdl i will go play sudoku and pretend that I've already slept several hours and the day will come #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[br1ghtestlight]

my eyes are probably my least favorite physical feature bcuz of my amblyopia or strabismus or whatever and like yeah obviously my eyes cause a lot of vision problems and how i interact w/ the world but mostly i just hate it bcuz it makes me look ugly which?? who cares lmao. its embarassing that my eyes make me look stupid and that i cant control the muscles in my Eyes and that society has associated that image w/ stupidity but why is that my problem. why is THAT my biggest concern here. i wish i didnt care but it pisses me off so bad when i look at my reflection because i just want to look normal. but i cant unless im really really focused on keeping my eyes straight in which case i cant exactly focus on abything else..... so not a long term solution. brushing my teeth is a nightmare bcuz i just wanna punch the mirror. i shouldnt be looking at my face that long anymore

#im trying to fix them!!!! but the eye specialist won't be able to see me for probably three to six months #and even if i do see them there's a chance that its too late for eye therapy and muscle training to do anything #and then i would need SURGERY which might not even WORK bcuz my eyes could just revert after a certain amount of time #and frankly im not a huge fan of the idea of getting surgery on my eyeballs anyway. like i dont want that #i wish i could just magically snap my fingers and have normal totally functional vision. bcuz this sucks #and im INSECURE about my appearance which is crazy bcuz i never cared about that #txt

[ironmanstan]

the dichotomy of man (need to get out of this fuckin house but if i go then i can not see my cats)

#JUST realized this and now i want to kill and explode and throw up #WHAT THE HELL WILL I DO . WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO ABOUT MY FISH ok i can probably take the fish with me #but MAN #thats such a FUCKING HASSLE #ill just stay here this is fine <- tormented by the horrors. ball and chained to familiarity #the gamer speaks uwu #guy who is terminally stressed and sick about change but desperately needs it to live a life #oooo i need to be in a hamster ball everything new can just be out of arms reach and i will be safe and contained forever #no more new experiences and life changes ill cry we should all just die actually so i never have to break out of my shell #sometimes im like im therapized i dont need to go to therapy i am sooo normal and then i say shit like all that n im like nvm #the desperately averse to change braincell is funny like is it the autism. is it the ptsd. probably both #bc i sure did like have a moment of like i should just drop out of school all of this is too much i cant do it anymore #wired in juuust the right way where i can live so much better than i ever have but itll stress me out enough where i still feel the urge #to throw it all away bc it is strange and weird. and then i have to resist that urge constantly bc ill be fully like cidal again if i do th #its so weird actually. oh u have friends? u take meds? u have irls now? strange and unfamiliar and scary get rid of it all <- the insanity #anyway sucks how there isnt a word i can use in place of men/women when im like 'women will x' but for being nonbinary #nonbinary mfs doesnt hit the same . enbies doesnt hit the same either #nonbinaries b like i am free from the horrors and then go down a whole spiral at the very thought of moving out of their nightmare house #vent #i guess oops what did this turn into

[orcelito]

Really is a coping kinda night huh lmao

#speculation nation #negative/ #im not going to sit outside. im not going to do anything productive. #bc if i do i might just [redacted] #im going to go home. im going to eat. and then im going to do whatever my cursed little heart desires. #be it video game or drink myself stupid #ykno it's kinda funny that i have therapy tomorrow morning. i almost want to cancel. #it's supposed to be just general problems discussion. i dont even know this woman yet. #but im having. erm. secondhand response i guess #probably also having to do with personal stress with dnd group problems and imminent project due AND having to take on Even More hours #but im also like. it's a secondhand horror kind of thing. hearing about it and seeing people i know deal with it #and working to take on some of the burden for them bc theyre fucking traumatized like hell im going to make them work #and just... hearing about it in general. the knowledge that it happened. the aching empathy for what theyre going through. #it's got me all kinds of fucked up lmfaooo #im being bombarded on multiple sides rn and this really fucking sucks #couldnt have been a worse time for this to happen. bc i STILL have my fucking project & presentation due next week #i know drinking in this kind of mood isnt great. but listen lmfao it's better than me [redacted]. lesser of two evils and all. #sorry i keep talking about this here but it's kinda genuinely life disrupting. & very thoroughly disturbing. #and i cleaned the fucking fryer filter today. worst day for me to do that too. but it needed done. #too much stress not enough release. i really wish i could cry about it. #but nooo i have tear ducts of the desert. no emotional release for me lmfaoooo #at least i have food. im gonna eat plenty and take care of myself. it's the least i can do to try to make things okay. #alcohol ment/ #continuing being vague about what happened but it's something that's wormed its way into my brain #dont have to experience it myself for the knowledge of it to negatively affect me. such is the reality of someone with Bad Brain. #wild to hate someone so much who ive never met and is already dead. you total piece of shit. i hope you rot in hell.

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

#what sucks is the moment someone is super nice to me 😭 i start to liking them a lot #why am i like this 😭 #i get shown any kind of decency or any genuine kindness I start to really like like them #then end up ruining the whole mood by telling them I like them 😂 #i suppose finding some more attractive cause they're super nice to me stems from my childhood trauma LMAO #gotta love being a neglected kid 😭😂 it doesnt help when they're extremely pretty too 😭😭 #lmao #what's wrong with me have some sense 😂 I know that just cause a person is nice to me doesnt mean they like like me or they even like me 😭 #but i still can't help but start liking them 😂 its also probably cause i finally feel like someone cares about me 😭 then it goes back to #childhood trauma 😂 dude i cant lie being neglected while still having both parents is some thing else #cause its like I had both but they were always at work and when they got home would be so mean to each other mainly my dad to my mother; #the only did they'd ask if i was hungry but by the time grandma came to live with us that stopped and so they would not really talk to me #like i was talking to my cousin Richard on the night of the party; he asked why i dont talk to my dads side of the family #and he's super drunk and starts belittle and make light of the situation before i even start the main reason. so i told him to stop talking #over me and let me finish and stop belittling and making light of the reasons why i stopped talking to them entirely #then he got butt hurt and ended up waking his wife who was sleeping in the living room to go home. #i swear i have issues that i have yet to address lol and going to therapy doesnt work cause it makes me super uncomfortable so i stop going #after the first visits #😮‍💨 i can be so overwhelming why am i like this just cause they're nice to me doesnt mean they actually like me or even like like me 😭 #i need to be better at accepting people's kindness without falling attached or like liking them a lot LMAO. #personal

[weirdlizard26]

i need a whole server just to bitch abt 2012 splinter this man is driving me INSANE (in a bad way)

#wl26 #i need to put him in a salad spinner #i could fix him #well i probably couldnt im not much of a writer #but i need to find someone who could fix him #for me #i just someone to say to his face that hes done some fucked up shit to his kids. sorry #and like he denies it at first but it kinda gets to him. and he starts noticing that hey yeah he does do some shitty shit #and hes like ah fuck. i suck at this #which isnt the best conclusion bc his parenting tendencies are heavily influenced by his grief and trauma and the first step is to recognize #and admit it. but hes not there yet #and then idk. maybe shen's spirit appears to him and shes like my love. you have indeed fucked up. but it is up to you to make up for it #idk basically. 2012 splinter goes into therapy au #or whatever #dont take this too seriously i have a massive headache and am so so so miserable #feel like shit just want to fix 2012 #turtleposting

[your-fave-is-bi]

Yknow not to spiral but either i get my degree at the end of this month by some weird miracle thats dragged me through my entire academic carreer

Or i dont. And I’ll figure something out. Try and find something non-retail to do as a job. Or something that isnt too harsh on my back.

#have some common decency n dont rb this k thanks. y’all should know better than needing s reminder #personal tag #truly truly truly wish i had felt okay in taking a break from studies bc i think it would have helped me massively #bc i do feel like im just. im trying but its hard and my living situation sucks and heavily impacts my ability to function period let alone #function in an academic context #god. i need therapy and i neec adhd meds. probably.

[pepprs]

ok. it’s over. and i am alone in the world 🤑🤸🏻‍♀️

#purrs #despair literal despair. it was actually a very good session too like maybe the best one we ever had probably bc he was on his best #behavior 🙄 we talked about redacted like the whole time and barely about me leaving so i didn’t have an opportunity to tell him he sucks or #to not tell him he sucks and now i feel like an idiot for doing this bc he didn’t suck in that session just now. and i want to cry and cry #bc of how good that was but yet how mad i was a few hours ago and how now i just cut myself off from the counseling place ive been going to #for like 5 years and i actually do not want to take a break from counseling i NEED to be in therapy so genuinely and i don’t know where to g #go that i can afford and that will be local etc etc. and now im alone and i cut myself off from the place and the years of notes and #analysis they have on me. i almost wish it had gone badly so that i wouldn’t feel so regretful rn bc oh my god how am i gonna go without #counseling like….. AUGH. iwshould email him and ask for a referral maybe. does anyone know if that’s ok to do <- could so easily google it #im so sad. like so so so sad. i knew when i stopped being angry i’d feel sad and hurt and like. omgggggg. this is terrible. what have i done