#it makes me sad because im genuinely happy right now. im not in pain. im not in pain! it's all gone!

[nordidia]

May I request some pain, Raph flavored

Pretty pleaseeeee

i hope i dont sound angry writing this, but please dont send/ask me stuff like this! i've gotten a lot of similar asks like this and this is scary for me but i need to set a boundary!

.

i dont like making "angst" or sad things, i dont make non-happy content for the sake of inflicting pain, and i dont like people assuming/thinking i do! i make it for meaningful emotional impact, i dont want people to tell me how much they like that i "put raph through pain" or assume im appealing to people who like doing that .. it makes me very sad!

i dont make "angst" to purely hurt characters, im making fanart of a character with emotional depth, and to explore the character's reaction to serious matters, and to let people know that theyre not alone, and that struggling can look like many things

some of the most motivating things ive been told by people who like my comics is that it's helped them (and their therapist sometimes!) figure out what was up with them, because i write a lot of things such as ptsd and anxiety and general mental pain to look different than the media portrays. because there really is alot of forms mental issues can take, and not all of them get portrayed, which leaves real people wondering "whats wrong with me" when its right there, just different form!

i think the closest i'll get to making it "just because" is vent art, but that too has meaning. and i will specify when its vent art for that very reason. to say "this isnt necessarily me exploring anything, or canonical, its to make myself feel less alone, and hopefully, the people seeing this as well"

and thats why i make the content i do, its not because i enjoy putting characters i like through bad things,,, in fact, i often hesitate/regret posting because i feel bad about the things i create for the sake of this. but i try to look past it because it can genuinely help a lot of people, and it does help myself too.

i think that assuming i make emotional stuff just for the sake of pain takes away from that.. i try very hard to not over-do sad stuff and i often cut down on it because i dont want to overwhelm people with it, and to prove that i only do the necessities for the sake of healing from the things i put emphasis on

any of the pain i "put them through" is my take on what they've canonically been through, and exploring their reaction and way to deal with the aftermath of that. nothing more,,, nothing less.

ugly things are still worth talking about, especially for the sake of healing growth

this got alot i hope i made sense uhh yeah!! yeah.,, apolocheese!!

TL;DR: i personally make pain for the necessity of healing, not because i think its fun

and now back to our regularly scheduled program

#sorry anon that i used your ask for this #but i felt it was needed... #asks!

[minquiec]

My 5k word essay on why I like bringing pain and suffering to the two idiots I love dearly (A thesis)

[alternative title being: me ranting abt jipunk for 2 hours straight im kiddingg]

So like

At this point I'm pretty sure most people can tell I enjoy pulling angst out of nowhere for absolutely NO reason necessary other than pain heeheehaahaa well it ain't gonna stop 😁 CAUSE TRUST THAT I will make sure every au I ever make of these two end in numbingly tragic angst one way or the other 🦅 jkjk they won't all be that bad it'll just have varying degrees of sadness

Anyways

I actually do have a reason for never giving them a happy (canonical or implied) happy ending ☝️ the thing abt me is every detail or like choice I make in character design/relationship/etc is that it's always intentional (most of the time) like there's always some kind of corny reason behind it bc I'm jwndkwjd insane and just think too hard abt two characters that don't even exist.

So like so like

I am an absolute loser for tropes like 'in another life' or 'in every life' or just anything among those lines. Like genuinely it does smth irreparable to my brain it's not even funny.

And basically the thought process for jipunk was like they're LITERALLY from different universes which quite literally means they can't end up together bc it's just not possible. But tbh the whole multiverse logic and how it works is up to interpretation cause y'know it's just a movie but personally I see it as smth pretty impossible for lore sake and stuff HAHSHA

So because the 'original' jipunk (atsv versions) can't end up together, I decided to go and think

"HMM."

"WHAT IF THEY ARE THE EPITOME OF 'ill find you in every universe" BUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM END IN THE SAME WAY (never ending up tgt)"

Cause for the different au's each of them is technically a different reincarnate in different worlds with different lives.

And like going back to when I said varying levels of sadness: what I meant was in some aus they'll be literally universes apart (which in itself is already sad asf) but in other aus they could live in the same world but their lives are like perpendicular lines because they'll meet and then never cross paths again (BECAUSE this is what their fate is supposed to be if we base it off their atsv counter parts: they were never meant to be bc they're from different universes)

BUT DONT KILL ME YET BC

technically

teccchnicaalllllyyy

In the long run they do have a happy ending

(longass run bru)

So there isn't a proper timeline for which universes 'happen first' bc that just doesn't make sense but

The modern au where it has the convenience store

Is their happy ending

Endgame au fr

Cause if you think abt it right (this is a headcanon), hb isn't the type of person to fall in love based on looks.

Yet in the modern au he ends up crushing on a silly little employee of the convenience store he goes to.

And like it's just this pull he can't understand for the life of him??? Cause it feels so shallow to him to like someone bc he thinks their pretty

Little does he know

So after they get tgt in the modern au, I'm thinking of this one moment where he kind of figures it out/sort of/not really but he is just like

"idk what it is but it feels like I've spent lifetimes with you"

BECAUSE YOU HAAAAAAVE@)$()2(# AAAAAAUEGEGHHEGEG JM SOBBING

HE SAYS IT BC HE REALIZES HIS SOUL IS JUST SO COMFORTABLE WITH HER PRESENCE ALMOST LIKE ITS GOTTEN USED TO IT SINCE A LONG LONG TIME AGO

And I realized just now but omfg the comic I made where he drunk confess and goes 'I liked you first'

HES LITERALLY BEEN LIKING HER FIRST IN THEIR FIRST LIFE (ATSV) IM GOING TO FUCKIGNNEF THROIWN UP

Soulmates idc idc IDCCCC

Took the quote I love you in every lifetime and RAAAAANNNN WITH IT

I enjoy tragic love stories tm

This isn't delusion anymore this is derangement

They r so dear to me

They are my kdramas, they are my bridgerton, they are my therapy this is how I cope.

#jipunk #lorerambles

[musashi]

need to talk about this fucking thing that keeps happening to me because i am genuinely furious about it

so. anyone who has been following me in the past year knows that i have spent a huge amount of time venting about the "you are a tar pit" discourse and how it has been personally affecting me on a really notable level. on both sides, really.

on one side: i am an acts of service bitch. the way i show love is through being there for people. sometimes this means lending them an ear when they are hurting and sad. other times this means doing chores for them, beta reading their writing, making them dinner after a long day. either way, i like to do things for people.

on the other side: though completely independent, i am a human being. i am not so foolish as to believe that i can somehow survive without close social bonds. that has been proven time and time again to be an unrealistic goal for human beings to achieve.

the abridged version of what i am currently going through is: i am at a point in my life where making close friends and a network of support feels impossible. this is especially scary to me, because it was never hard before! i'm extroverted, im stubborn, i'm always trying new things and putting myself into new situations, and i am great at making friends in general. however, over the last half a decade or so, i have noticed that i have reached some invisible wall when it comes to crossing over "friends" into "support"

again, this has never been hard before. when i was a teenager my friends and i would sit beneath the stars and talk about all our deepest traumas. even just four years ago, i was in a discord server where more often than not, my friends and i would all wind up in the vent channel listening to one another and asking each other what we could do to help. deep social bonds have always been a thing that formed very naturally for me--you make friends. you offer support when they seem like they need a listening ear. they do the same to you. you guys do this for as long as you want or need.

something changed though. i do not think it's me, because i've been asking around and gathering data and trying to untangle if there is anything different about the way i approach friendships. this is the mystery. i do not know what changed. but i cannot make friends like this anymore, with VERY special exceptions.

tl;dr, when i need a friend to cry on, i don't have anyone besides my partner. this is not something that is feasible. your support system cannot be one person. you need at least two, ideally a few more. that way no one gets overwhelmed dealing with their own shit AND yours all the time.

i don't struggle to make friends. but whenever i let slip that i've felt pain in the past (for instance, talking about a rough thing i went through years back) i get long, uncomfortable silences. as if it's a social faux pas to have ever felt pain. or to bring it up. this is insane to me--when a friend is vulnerable with me like that, i just want to hug them and tell them how happy i am that they moved past it and found their way to me. when i do it, though, everyone just ignores it/me with the hopes that the topic will pass. it hurts pretty bad, the rejection of that vulnerability.

and if i can't feel pain in past tense, well. present tense is right out. countless cries for help are met with my DMs dead. i've tried reaching out in every way i know how. i've tried being direct. i've tried being subtle. i've tried going to multiple communities i'm in. i've tried being more general and public. i cannot get anyone in my life, no matter how close, to talk to me when i am sad. i can't even get them to send a message like 'hey, love you. dealing with too much of my own shit to be there for you right now, but you're in my heart.'

i get silence. horrible, horrible silence. or worse: performance in public ("sending hugs! love you, hope things get better!") and then complete silence in my DMs. everyone wants to pretend they are being a friend to me, no one wants to do it.

lots of preamble. let me tell you about the annoying fucking advice i keep getting:

"go to therapy."

are you fucking KIDDING me?

therapy is good. therapy is a powerful medical tool. many people need therapy, and at many points in my life, i have needed it too! i like to think i am pretty damn good at understanding when i might need to reach out for professional help, and i have absolutely no shame in doing so.

bestie, this is not a go to therapy situation.

a go to therapy situation was my early 20s, riddled with unhealthy coping mechanisms and undiagnosed personality disorders, where i had no idea how to get a handle on myself. therapy is a weekly session where you and someone who knows how to untangle you tackle that shit together, and then ideally you eventually stop therapy because you fix the problem. the ideal situation for a therapist is one day they say goodbye to their client and never see them again. therapy is for when you do not know the solution to your problem.

i know the solution to my problem. i need a friend. my problem is social and emotional isolation. the solution is having a friend. i am not paying someone hundreds of dollars i do not have to tell me to make friends.

i need the people who say this shit to understand that i am not an unhappy person. for what i am dealing with (PTSD, BPD, NPD, HPD, ADHD, autism, OCD, OCPD & addiction) i am pretty damn well adjusted! meltdowns and episodes are something i excel at. i have perfected the art of getting a handle on myself and i do it rawdog sober! no medication, no self medication, nothing except coping strategies i developed all by myself (without therapy, because i have never been able to afford it, and my parents did not want to send me there as a traumatized child)

when you see me melting down on here, here is what is actually happening:

sometime mundane probably got me down in the dumps. yesterday, i was frustrated with writing, and i needed someone to validate those feelings. it would have been, at most, a ten minute conversation. i would have been like 'IM SAD!' and the hypothetical friend would've been like 'FUCK THAT YOU'RE SAD! I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE FEELING THIS WAY AND IT MUST SUCK! I LOVE YOU!' and then i wouldn've been like 'THANKS!' and gone back to doing payroll because my ass was at work.

what many people saw was my ensuing meltdown. because i didn't get that ten minute conversation. which made me think about how i can't even talk to a friend about the mundane annoyances in life and how they hurt. which made me think about how alone i am, despite all my best efforts to change that fact. which made me scream and cry and throw up even more, because that is not a little problem. that is a big problem i have been trying to make sense of and fight for half a year now, and i have made no progress. it's causing me to split for the first time in half a decade--i'd gotten such a handle on BPD, i thought i was done with splitting! i forgot what it even felt like. it's causing me to cancel all my plans because sitting in a room with my friends just makes me think about how, like, if i died i feel like none of them would really give a shit.

so what the 'go to therapy' crowd is suggesting is a combination of these two things:

pay 200 dollars to someone to tell them, every few weeks, that i'm sad because sometimes my creative hobby causes me some mild autistic frustration

pay 200 dollars to someone for them to tell me, unhelpfully, that i need friends.

i am sick and tired of the 'go to therapy' crowd. therapy is a medical resource! it is for people who need medical help. this anon (who i blocked, obv) also sent me a huge wall of text about "compassion fatigue" and how i cannot expect other human beings to want to be compassionate towards one another and it's just... fuck OFF, dude. everyone has days where they feel they can't be there for others, that's normal, and it's not the fucking problem. if that were the case, i'd be getting DMs that said stuff like 'hey, i love you, can't be a support friend right now but you're in my thoughts.' i do not get those. i never have.

"compassion fatigue" go fuck yourself man. the compassion i feel for my fellow man never fucking dies. i have days where i need to look out for myself but that is normal and easy to communicate. the idea that one's compassion can run out is the stupidest shit i have ever heard.

maybe if you actually practiced compassion instead of screaming 'go to therapy' at all your hurting friends you would find more of a surplus of it in your life. maybe if you weren't such a coward foisting your relationships onto a medical professional because you're too scared and nonconfrontational to simply LISTEN to the people in your life, you wouldn't be exhausted. it must be tiring, running away all the time.

so, i will reiterate what i said earlier: eat shit and die. eat shit and die, and i hope in the afterlife when you are mourning all the friends of yours you hurt by not being there for them, you have a good therapist.

fuck off with this shit. "sometimes i have a bad day and i wish i had a friend or two to talk to when that happens." "LMAO ummmm maybe you should go to therapy instead <3"

#wordy wendy #wendy rants

[toxicdykecocaine]

I love keeperschampion a lot they are so silly to me and my heart but I get sad seeing them without Kian :( don’t split them up they deserve to be happy (im also biased and love weed smoking girlfriends)

I think also- this is now a ramble apologies- Kian is so genuinely loving to those that have stuck around enough to care about him? And it’s so lovely seeing a character like that. Rand and Rolan are freaking out over seeing rat and basically without hesitation, Kian is like “I’ll drop all of my plans for you right now- let me drive you all out of state and be safe.” His first thought is to get THEM out of trouble and into safety. The one time he tried to do anything really big for himself was trying to find Becky and see if somehow she can become human again- and even then that’s still entirely for someone else. He DIED trying to get the one thing he wanted during all of the events of BitB, and I think that’s so terrible. Kian is so undeniably genuinely loving and caring, and he got killed because of it- he lost literally everything. Kian was a character who had every opportunity to be a dickwad during the campaign and he chose kindness every single time and that is so refreshing but also so so painful.

I think I also just want Kian to be happy. My little Saturday night special sauce on my pasta dinner <3 you can see where the sad song on my Kian playlist kicked in BWHAHAH he makes me sad

#🎸​taliarambles #kian stone

[creativebrainrot]

i wonder what its like to genuinely feel special to someone. genuinely what is that like. to really feel, and know, on that deep level inside that youre someones favorite person. i have never felt that. im fighting off feeling like a. like an npc, constantly. even when i do technically feel good, i still dont feel like i matter. ive never felt like i was wanted. i feel like on a fundamental level my wiring that wouldve let me truly feel loved and wanted got ripped out by my abuser when i was a child. it sounds, dumb? like, "that couldnt possibly be enough reason" whenever i point out what i think caused this in me. but. he would come home from work and tell stories of amazing and interesting people who had my EXACT interests and hobbies. but he ignored me. i wasnt one of the one he valued and talked about. i was Too Loud whenever i sang. I was Annoying. i hurt his head. he never gave a shit about my art. never gave a shit about my hobbies. but there were all these amazing interesting beautiful characters he'd meet Out There. they were cool. they were the fun ones.

and now i feel replaceable.

now still as an adult i feel like im not anything. im replaceable. theres a better person out there somewhere who you should be friends with. im not unique. and any way that i might be theres someone out there without all my issues. you can do better than me. why are you still here.

its weird, its painful, its fuckin annoying. yeah brain i know everyone will get bored of us eventually. i know. but theyre interested right now so shut up and let us have this okay? just a crumb of niceness. of happiness.

you dont have to ruin good things now because they might wilt in the future. thats no way to live.

and idk i just kinda of wish i knew what it was like to be someones favorite. the person someone's always happy to see. someones comfort person. the person youd go to a party to see and be sad if they couldnt make it. idk. that kind of stuff.

but i just exist. thats how I feel anyway its probably not acurrate all of my issues give me warped perception. its not even the kind i could get rid of atm cause like. there is no switch to flick to feel like im lovable. I dont know how to start feeling worthy or wanted. i trust other's words when they tell me they care but i cant feel it. whenever i try to let myself feel like anyone cares i panic and feel like thats when my abuse will start again.

so i just dont even try to tear down the wall.

it hurts too much and its too scary and i just. cant. not right now.

i dont have it in me to start really feeling again, not yet.

anyway fuck my father and all abusive parental figures and abuser at large.

#abuse mention #abusive parents #tw abuse #creativelyrottedmind #rotthoughts #rambling #i wonder what thats like. to feel love. to feel wanted. #ive never felt like anyone Wanted me. #theres a longing in me that i cannot turn into words. to be wanted. to be desired. to be thought of when you arent around. #to be wanted. asked for. needed. #ive only ever just existed. no one cares if im not there. #im not important.

[agent-cupcake]

Hey, another fanfic writer here—I saw ur recent post regarding lack of interest, and I have a few things I’d like to share that would hopefully help you since I’ve felt, and to an extent STILL feel the way you do about the topic of only really getting attention for fics of other more popular fandoms while the ones your proud of are just… 20 likes, as you said.

Apologies for the unasked advice, I come from a place of complete empathy since I’ve been there again and again to where I’d write a shit one off for a fic and it would get more traction then the stuff I actually put work into—like “wow you guys prefer some garbage written fluff of x character but this fic, which i have poured a LOT into, isn’t really acknowledged?” and unfortunately, there’s really no way of getting past that feeling beyond just completely removing yourself from the concept of being praised/putting importance in other people’s thoughts.

Genuinely I have not felt better than now when I post fics because I completely disregard people’s opinions—both good and bad, whether it be praise or mild hate—whatever is said, I feel nothing. This has fostered to the extent where I get annoyed when I get excessive likes for a fic because I find the notifs annoying. It’s a sad reality, but as writers (or creatives in general) it’s a detriment to consider others, especially when YOU, a painfully, undoubtedly SKILLED writer whose unpaid.

Seriously, not to give you the sloppy or whatever, but you’re fucking GOOD. And not to be the “hehe im a hardass and hard to impress!” but genuinely, reading your fics just makes me “😨” BECAUSE THEYRE SO GOOD?? HOW ARE THEY NOT PUBLISHED WORKS?? HOW ARE YOU ONLY GETTING 200 NOTES?? And it pains me to read that you’re deeply effected by the lack of traction you get, because I understand, but you must understand your worth isn’t defined by degens online who want a good smut or just a person who wants to read any content made of a niche character :(

Yadiyadia, long story short: You’re good (REALLY good) and I STRONGLY advise you learn to completely detach yourself from the want for praise and learn to create merely because you enjoy it, because in the end, all that matters is that YOURE happy and you, as the unpaid and sinfully underrated fanfic writer, enjoy the process.

I was being whiny and pathetic last night I don't like the way I came off so first off, I thank you for sending this, and thank all of the people who responded to my complaining with such kindness and understanding. There are so many wonderful people who have followed and interacted with me throughout the years. It's really unfair when I get depressive to be whiny about interaction when I have proof that so many people are willing to read 20k+ word fics. That's, what, over an hour out of their lives? Regardless if they comment or interact beyond that, it's something I'm way too willing to take for granted. I do apologize for speaking in a way that devalues what a blessing all of you are. When I'm upset I have a tendency to speak in a way that plays on guilt or sympathy way too much and, combined with my poor communication skills, I really do not like the way I came off especially since the people who reached out are the same ones who have been supporting me to begin with. It's poor behavior and I should be more mindful. Really, truly, thank you so much for offering your kindness and support, it really does mean a lot to me.

This is good advice and you're right that it's something I should keep in mind. Perspective is the name of the game unless you want to suffer. For the most part, I really do try to think this way. You know, create for the sake it of, enjoy what you do, all of that. To clarify, a little bit, the feelings behind my rambling last night, I view creation as an inherently interactive process. I have an idea and try to figure out how best to express that idea so I can share it with the reader who can then interpret and respond to that idea. The reader can tell me if I properly expressed that idea, or if I failed. That's why even something as small as "this was hot lol" is meaningful is because it's somebody telling me that I was successful with expressing my idea . But if this is how I feel about content creation, the only conclusion I'm able to draw from saying I don't care about feedback is to never post anything at all. I can't be "good" in a bubble. There's nothing to be learned, or understood, or measured if I am the only audience for myself. I write and share stories to express ideas to others because I genuinely think I have something to offer other people. Sure, it's often an appeal to sexuality or ridiculous levels of heightened emotion for the sake of titillation, but there's a lot of evidence of just how valuable people deem content like that. If somebody is willing to read a 20k+ word fic, I would like to know why. What I was whining about more than anything was a lack of interaction rather than traction. I don't expect to be wildly popular with reader insert, but it irks me that people would be more willing to demand I post more content (such as with the HxH stuff) than they would to show their appreciation for content I've already put up and they've consumed. Now that I'm not in that state of mind, I can acknowledge that this was a childish view to take that could very well not even be true on top of weird framing of holding my fics hostage for the sake of attention.

Anyway, I'm sorry that was an objectively bad take and I'll blame being sad and tired. I truly thank everybody who has responded kindly and with a reminder to focus on what actually matters (degeneracy and thirsting). I apologize again for putting people in that position it was pretty lame of me.

#personal #big yikes #gotta walk back my idiocy so i can have another brain dead take later

[thedevotionaltour]

sorry to be mad about it again but the family friends we are vacationing with im still not over the insane entitlement of having the audacity to feel left out when my mom doesn't translate everything in Spanish enough or fast enough when you who have traveled to Mexico three times can't even be assed to go learn to a conversational level of Spanish. Like you don't get to be mad. That is your problem. And it's just so fucking entitled. You're white tourists who own property on a coastal resort and plan on coming back here but your son won't bother to go learn Spanish? You don't bother to go improve your Spanish to a conversational level? And you're going to be mad at my mom? Who also while still pretty fluent had to speak more so she could actually understand so she could translate? Also for context for the conversation that finally prompted that it was like. A taxi driver. And even if he lives in a ~tourist town~ still clearly is not very fluent in English. Because you know. It's Mexico. And her son was trying to talk in the conversation as well but he knows no Spanish so he was speaking English and I guess eventually gave up and listened to his music which I guess was hurtful that God forbid my mom couldn't keep up with it all. And it makes me so mad IT MAKES ME SO MAD! HOW FUCKING ENTITLED DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO EXPECT ENGLISH OF EVERYONE WHEN ENGLISH IS NOT THE NATIONAL LANGUAGE THERE! HOW FUCKING ENTITLED ARE YOU? It infuriates me how much they think my mom owes them and also it's like. My mom still is no native fluency level she can have quite a bit of conversation but she still has limits to her knowledge. And I don't know it makes me so mad. Also my mom is a white lady for context here so it's no entitlement towards my mother in that way but more in a why are you mad at your friend for this? It's just so bizarre. To think that way. What the hell is your problem. This was a last week thing but I'm still fucking pissed about it in every way when I remember. Because that's also the conversation I was deemed disrespectful I guess for being overwhelmed and not having fun every single second. I haven't had one bit of genuine joy this trip. The happiest I was was when I say alone on a shuttle ride and could listen to music and no one spoke. The only time I smiled unprompted. I'm so sad realizing that. The happiest I was on this trip wasn't even anything trip based. It was for the brief moments I could escape on this trip. I'm so sad. I want to go home I go home Monday but I wish it was today instead. I feel so disliked here and like I'm on eggshells and I'm not allowed to be upset and my mom isn't allowed to be upset. Just her friend and her son. Not us. And she didn't respect or remember when my mom needed to be back in the hotel room for certain things because this is a working vacation for her. It makes me so sad. It makes me so angry. God forbid we be people with feelings. I hate that I can't be upset for one moment I hate feeling like I have to walk on emotional eggshells and all I can do is be happy it's draining it's tiring and I feel bad and I feel disliked which is more painful than being hated right now I think.

#vent.txt

[prettyboykatsuki]

cw ;; suicidal thoughts and ideation, hopeful post not a vent but just incase

for anyone who’s struggling, just wanted to give my insight

you know when i was in the period of my life where i was really actively suicidal and at the lowest points - i got sick of people telling me life was going to be worth living someday. 

and i know how that sounds - very unlike me. i think now people consider me this optimistic and bright person. when i tell people how fucked up my state of mind was, they’re really surprised. hell, im really surprised when i read diaries or notes of how i was feeling. i remember feeling like i was always mourning something i didnt know the name for. i remember being so fucking miserable and so sure the world was better off without me. i was cold and unforgiving and callous especially to myself

its taken me a lot of time to be where i am now. a lot of effort. the person i am currently is not because of therapy or medication. i have a closed off circle and back when i was really coming into myself - i didnt even have real friends. i think someday, i just got tired of living the way i had been. and i wanted, instead, to try holding onto hope for once. 

if you’re suicidal or at a point in your life where you genuinely believe in living is worthless - im not going to tell you it gets better or even easier. it does, i know that. but i know how little that might matter to you because right now life is pointless and meaningless and awful. 

i can’t tell you for sure how you’ll feel, but when you’re in it - don’t do anything to make yourself worse. dont listen to sad songs. don’t wallow. don’t depair. cry if you need to but no longer than that. im saying that when you think it’s all meaningless - do just one thing to live in spite. despite everything, just try living. 

life is difficult. i know how bad it can get. please believe me when i tell you that. 

but i also know that everything passes. everything. even the worst thing, the most unimaginable pain. it passes. and when that day comes - and you are still here, the only thing you can do is live. 

 struggling feels so much like drowning, but the water passes. even after a flood or a tsunami - the damage is there but the water will leave. i wont promise you anything at all, but next time it hurts so much that you scream in agony. or you sob to the point you choke. or you heave because of your own suffering - feel it. let it out. 

and then, hold onto any tiny hope. buy a new record. make dinner or order it. paint poorly. sleep outside in a tent and watch stars. it wont fix anything right away and you shouldn’t expect it to. 

but the only way to live, to have hope is to hold onto your contentment and let go of your pain. it will get better. life will be okay. but you have to loosen your grip on the certainty things will always be horrible. 

you have to try to live even harder than you’re trying to die. have hope. hold onto hope. it will save your life if everyday, you remember just one thing that makes you content. it will take time. 

building a will to live is creating an arsenal of hope. each sliver of contentment, joy, or happiness you have will build that will up. 

#suicide cw #suicidal thoughts cw #suicidal ideation cw #just in case anyone needs more tags #lmk #its just something ive been thinking about #i am not a particularly engimatic persosn in how i behave #the reality is i suffered a lot in my life and then got exhausted of it #and i still have a lot of shit to sort through #but i learned that there is more meaningful things about me than my pain #and i was the first person to ever look at myself and recognize that #bit by bit i learned to live #it was hard. sometimes im bearing so much i cant breathe #but after #i make dinner #go to work #watch tv #after its over i watch the sunset until its dark and i try to live

[sweetchcolate]

Bridget: you are not under any circumstance to see Ann or i will literally physically torture you.

Challe: *immediately goes to see Ann*

Im a little emotional about this not gonna lie. Literally doesnt care about the pain bridget will cause him if hes caught, because the pain of not seeing Ann is greater

The pain of this showing up in my inbox only a month after you sent it is also greater than Shall's pain at not seeing Anne.

I get you! I feel the same even now, with Shall finally getting his wing and freedom back.

This goes right in hand with Shall's rebellious nature, his defying what his human masters order of him, but I love that there's a deeper motivation this time. It's not him going against Bridget just to spite her: it's him going against her because he genuinely wants to see Anne.

It makes me both sad and happy that he finally found someone precious enough to him that he's willing to put his own well-being (and life!) on the line just to see her ._.

#sugar apple fairy tale #shall fen shall #sweetchcolate's nonsense of the day

[ikusayu-no-hana]

kiden!! act ii

LETS GO THIS IS MY MOST FAVOURITE SCENE IN THE HISTORY OF TKRB EVER

genuinely fully in love with the idea of kasen narrating events like theyre a story. because thats such a rare glimpse of his vulnerability. and.......this is the first time we see him open up about his past and describe what really made him who he is, apart from the sanjuurokkasen incident.

he’s so full of love isn’t he? burdenless, still innocent, pure happiness. what we’re being shown is his time as a tsukumogami, several decades before tadaoki baptized kasen in blood. but as of now, where gracia is singing her child to sleep, kasen’s heart is, dare i say, the purest it’s ever been, because the tragedy comes in way later. it almost hurts to see what kasen used to be in the past.

(ofc the part of him being a tsukumogami at this point is just speculation and how i choose to interpret it)

oh yougknow i cried. i cried so hard when the camera switched to him mouthing the lullaby and tapping his finger on his sword to the rhythm. how many times had he heard that song before? he’s got it completely memorized . its about the tenderness its about the fondness its about the soft feelings . he’s had all these stories stored away in him with no one to tell them to and its so sad. its so so sad.

the way kasen adds his own little interjections in their conversations even though they cant hear him? love

nodding his head as his parents (thats what they are, arent they?) happily discuss their child’s future. this is the happiest scene in the entirety of kiden.

whenever kasen switches to narrating again he’s the present kasen, more somber, pained. it gives me whiplash.

i’ll mention it here for the sake of perspective: in the first scene, tama and tadaoki were 17 years old, and that baby was the future hosokawa tadataka. the honnouji incident would happen in 1582, when they were both just 19 years old (holy shit thats nearly how old im gonna be.............anyway). and kasen, at that point, was ofc a relatively young tsukumogami, having been forged in 1505.

he looks at his hand like he’s surprised it moved on its own.........

i find it so infinitely profound that it’s kasen himself who gives gracia that name. ‘the grace/blessing of god’

tadaoki’s terrible temper and jealousy were the real cracks in their relationship werent they.

FUCK FUCK FUCK EVERYTIME KASEN TURNS AWAY FROM THE VIOLENCE I CANT HELP DOING THE SAME. its such a human thing to turn away from something so morally terrible and kasen cant bear watching it. if he turned away from just this one murder, imagine how he mustve felt when tadaoki used him to end 36 innocent lives at once. its one thing to kill that many people in battle, because obviously the purpose of a sword is to be a weapon of war, but quite another to be used to end innocent lives as a means to set a mere example. kasen’s first kills ever broke the samurai code. no wonder he says the others dont know what kind of face to make around him.

there it is. she calls tadaoki a demon. an oni.

when you grow up in distrustful, toxic environment like that you learn to shut yourself up because you dont feel safe in it anymore and internalize it all as a method of coping, and thats exactly what happened to kasen. as the scenes go on and on he talks to them less (+ the fact that one by one, most of the hosokawa swords left the family, and kasen was left mostly alone for the next centuries, but i digress) the sanjuurokkasen incident just solidified that permanently . and as we’ve seen in the past sutes, that + tadaoki’s temperament affects the way he interacts with others, most notably ookurikara. and him absolutely coddling sayo, keeping him to himself, not letting him mingle with the Date swords.

The cherry on top of this scene is how kasen comes forward, saying the same lines from giden, ‘a bloodstained kimono isn’t elegant…not elegant at all’ while looking at his right sleeve, paralleling gracia’s own bloodstained right sleeve. He’s horrified, but at the same time, looks at it with resignation. The pure, untainted kasen of the past is………..no more. Love is pain, is the lesson tadaoki carved into him.

the sword tadaoki used for stabbing the gardener wasnt kasen. its obvious that kasen identifies himself with gracia, as a horrified witness, a victim even. him looking at his sleeve and being dyed red as well is proof of that.

on the other hand, if we discount the tsukumogami theory, it becomes like this: kasen is reliving the story inside him, right from the beginning of their marriage, and somewhere deep, deep inside, he’s still capable of being as kind and tender as we saw. full of love and trust. he’s just built so many walls around himself that it doesnt come out as open display after all.

im not sure which interpretation hurts more.

The next scene is like a bandaid over a gunshot wound lol

>Nikkari and kotegiri look at each other like ‘ah, there he is, let's do our thing’

I really like how the two wakizashi (sasuga wakizashi, always there to support you <3) have their own unique ways of comforting kasen. nikkari offers to have a bath together, an indirect way of offering concern, while kotegiri straight out asks him what happened. Im . you can see the concern they have for him, to approach him like that. im so glad kasen has friends that notice and look after him (<- sounding like a parent)

I know kasen says theyre not his memories but rather tadaoki’s story inside of him, but, in essence….arent they the same? Everything kasen narrated felt like his own experiences, the story he lived through, and the will he inherited.

>nikkari kneeling next to a lantern is such subtle nod to his story

awwwww its so cute how nikkari and kasen explain the battle tactics to kotegiri, he feels like their little brother wwww i love these three

kasen is right to be concerned about chougi taking kokin out for a ‘stroll’

I love how nikkari is honest without being overbearing thats literally  what kasen needs and i will scream about it from the rooftops. I really really like him so much and I hope hes involved in future plays as well  Please god  !

oh he’s so perceptive. literally leaves kasen, the poet, speechless. nikkari is amazing.

Kotegiri is so ????????? considerate?????????????????? he didnt want kasen to meet tadaoki in that state bc he thought he’d be disillusioned??!?!!?! im. thats so fucking sweet of kotegiri. to think of sparing kasen more pain. urhgrhghdghdfjnjdknfjdn going to cry wait. (kasen gives him a little smile at this. ueeeeueeueueeeee)

'utsukushisa wa, tokaku hito wo kuruwaseru' is such an abstract, raw, line. what the fuck kasen. it reminds me of this one paradigm i came across: beauty is terror. and what could be more terrifying and beautiful, to souls like the greeks or our own, than to lose control completely? its important to note kasen says beauty (美しさ), and not love.

kasen's implicitly wondering if tadaoki's madness came from his perfect, married bliss. you could actually write an entire thesis paper on this scene alone.

btw just a thought but i think these screencaps should be framed and hung up at the Louvr–*gunshots* im totally biased when i say he's the most beautiful character in touken ranbu. in all its adaptations. forever and ever. ok just had to get that out lets continue.

im counting this little uta-gumi-interaction as the canon altered one after his kiwame. our kasen knows kotegiri well enough, and accepts the other forms of ‘uta’ that the other honmaru’s kasen couldnt. bless sute for drawing from original game content and somehow coming up w an even better interaction. viva la moonwalk !!!!!!!!!!!!!

(yay lets go on to the next scene while im still reeling about the hosokawa family!)

chougi hiding the fact that he's an inspector is an intentional plot point isnt it. i think he's going to be a central character in piecing together all the hints and clues from all the altered timelines to solve the Great Mikazuki Mystery. thats why he asked for the other honmaru's report from kasen at the end of kahakugeki.

oh my god that means no one recognized even his voice? i mean he was disguised and had a mask and everything in jurakutei's investigation so understandably they wouldnt know what he looked like, but his voice, surely???? i think manba will come back and surely surprise us with the fact that he knows. im counting on that.

kokin is SO perplexed and his face screams ??????? but he's being so nice about it. to be fair it WAS chougi that derailed their conversation anyway so kokin's justified .

man. kokin-sama is so beautiful. tsukaryo is so beautiful.

i like this chougi way more. the guy from the other honmaru in kahakugeki was more...stoic and brutal, suggesting theyd kill jizou if it came to that. but our chougi (<3) doesnt comment further on kokin's wish, just apologizes for suspecting him.

>kokin's senses r apparently sharper than chougi's bc he picked up on kikkou and shishiou eavesdropping on them

I LAUGHED THEYRE SO ADORABLEEEEE

here! chougi's interest is peaked as soon as shishiou mentions the troublesome bunkyu tosa-han inv. it must be this that sets chougi's sirens off, along w kuroda kanbei.

yeah, theyre not humans but stories.....fictionalised, romanticized accounts from unreliable memories, all mixed up and messy.

seifu.......

just occurred to me that once they got back to their inn (?) they mustve found kasen nikkari kote relaxing in the bath jdsnjsdnvkjnjkzsn. chougi, to kokin kikkou shishiou: saa, guzuguzu suru na! *finds the wakizashi and their captain in the ofuro after a traumatic event*

why make promises no one can ever hope to keep......😭😭😭😭

the way this timeline operates is completely different from the one in tosa worked. its actually terrifying how connected it is to gracia's will. like its completely living. (imagine if the city in this one started moving randomly tho. they wouldve never gotten out the dark passage). while ryouma is the last person to transform into his.....alternate form, gracia is the first, and only when she has transformed do all the other daimyo also transform

yea i lost count of how many times theyve said chichi naru deus rip. (would their god really wish for such a thing to happen to the natural world though? such an ...... unworldly thing. just saying . if i was a christian i wouldve immediately known the history revisionists were the devil's minions. but then again i cant imagine how terrible it mutsve been for them as a religious minority to be persecuted and hiding their entire lives in fear of death. they wanted to live. its different from the bunkyu-tosa humans where they wished for the future of the country as a whole. here, the christians make their own country for their own benefit.)

i love how everyone’s instantaneous reaction to being surrounded by enemies is to gather around kasen in position.

i remember being tired out in the second half of kahakugeki bc there were a lot of fights but they werent fights with real actors. kiden fortunately doesnt bore me because all the swordfights are so much cooler, and with real enemies too :)

i was just thinking 'wouldnt it be too crowded to fight so many people in such a narrow tunnel?' and then kikkou and nikkari literally save the day by chipping in!

i love the fact that sute emphasizes the 'aoe' instead of nikkari. i think kotegiri is the only one who calls him 'nikkari-san', everyone else calls him by his smith name, creating this sense of formal distance.

'bokutachi wa kigai sou da na' in many ways, aoe and kikkou are the same; werent they both shortened? aren't they both a little strange?

KURAGIRI TSUURO MY BELOVED

the way kokin says he found something is so funny like. they mustve been groping around in the dark for some kind of clue as to where theyre going and kokin just finds something that very coincidentally happens to be just what they need and kote and shishiou r like OHHHHH. and then they start dancing. i was surprised but i loved it. esp the lighting.......the overhead dark blue complementing their lanterns’ orange glow was a palette artists (me) would go crazy over . kasen looks beautiful btw.

🤡🤡🤡 besties how could you get lost you were LITERALLY DANCING TOGETHER A SECOND EARLIER.

noooo jizou dont run awayysydyfhdsajsf youre hurting kokinnnn

HOW is jizou stronger than kokin despite being there for the same amount of time. but its true that kokins bad at fighting (said so himself) and has been in lesser fights than jizou has been in. so.

what a pair they make. a traitor’s daughter and a traitor touken danshi.

i like this interpretation of the game’s lantern mechanics.

badass gracia badass gracia BADASS GRACIA BADASS GRACIA. tousute women are such strong characters but they come at a heavy mental cost tho

in kahakugeki jizou literally screamed kokin’s name like he hated him, but in kiden our jizou sounds apologetic, and seconds later he does apologize.....;-;

actually they do it twice dont they. at first its ‘jizou yukihira!’ ‘kokindenjunotachi!’ but when theyre leaving its ‘jizou...’ ‘kokin...’ softer

if kasen said 無粋 な 真似は やめて もら お う か to my face i’d kill myself

they still have their lanterns in hand and its insane to think about how all this is happening under a castle in a narrow dark passage where they can possibly hear each other’s fights and yells and basically th entirety of the characters r fighting in the kuragari tsuuro. like all 19 of them + the TRA. it mustve been chaotic

ARIMA HARUNOBU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

his existential crisis strikes me the most....in reality he was ordered by hideyoshi to commit seppuku BUT since suicide is a sin in christianity, he requested to be executed. his wife reportedly kissed his severed head after his execution.

but this harunobu doesnt know how he died because hes a mix of reality and rumours and. its painful not to know who you are

pls sute can we have kotegiri dancing with kikkou shishiou and nikkari some time in the future pleaseeeeeee. you already mentioned in muden that they do but i also wanna see it

second time kasen says ‘katsute no aruji ga aishita’

chougi chougi CHOUGI BELOVED

i had to wipe a tear bc chougi and kasen fighting together so in sync was too beautiful. you dont get that type of synchronicity at random. they mustve practiced a lot at the honmaru.

a moment to reflect on how killing even these fake humans is painful

and of fuckng course nikkari would be concerned about where their souls would go ...... if they would even be counted as souls

‘do not pity the enemy you cut’            ........

FUCK kote had a nosebleed accident

the absolute sarcasm in chougi’s voice when he asks kokin if this is the Time to be reciting poetry. bestie let him be, poetry is his coping mechanism.

‘have you forgotten the poem?’ implying kasen has recited it to him in the past ok ok ok

very interesting how kasen addresses everyone else by either ‘kimi’ or ‘kiden’ but kokin by ‘anata’ but in his kiwame it remains ‘kimi’. this may mean nothing at all. or it may mean everything.

kasen......the kindness kasen knows is different. its brutal. it has an undercurrent of violence to it. he’s actually ready to cut down jizou for this mission, even says so in a later scene, telling him to defend gracia with his life. with kasen it’s always extremes.

yeah, and kokin does struggle with too much kindness

LETS GO LETS GO KASEN KANESADA NO UTA O

she calls kasen ‘ano hito’.......like he’s a person. actually he is, since he carries tadaoki’s heart, which ties in to gracia calling him a demonic husband. a demonic person’s sword will also be a demon. or the devil himself.

oh boy shinken hissatsu sequences!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im so happy they had ALL of them battered bc in iden only tosa-gumi were hissatsu’d and it was kind of disappointing (<- she wanted to see izuminokami’s awakening)

YESSSSSSSSSSSS kikkous inner.........restraints!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sute did that. sute REALLY DID that

KOTEGIRI . he’s so fierce

you can really hear the italian/spanish (sorry idk what that instrument is but its def european!) influences. manzo did say they put a lot of effort into adding christian influences into the soundtrack . and by god did they succeed.

BUT THE BIGGEST SURPRISE WAS NUE WHAT THE FUCK NUE I KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE BUT SUTE MADE YOU EVEN MORE ALIVE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE IT HES BITING THEM shishiou has abs KILL KILL KILL BITE KICK ASS YEAHHHHH THEYRE SO COOL

im just going to say it: nikkari is sexy as fuck. just the right amount of exposed skin. cursed red eye free from hair curtain. unhinged laugh. sensual action sequences. disheveled hair moving like water. my image of pure soft mashiro is shattered by those abs. and perfect bgm btw it feels like im ascending

chougi walks onto the battlefield like god sent him. like he’s the hecking reincarnation of death. which he is. (umechan’s growling is spot on.)

oh this silence after chougi leaves.  i know whats going to happen but it still makes my hair stand on end. here we go

FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

FUCKING HELL

that opera wants me dead.

kasen emerging like he’s a statue made from marble, looking like that??? all ruffled up???? the shadow of anger on his face? with THOSE muscles? i think its my bias speaking. but that exposed shoulder is the single most sexual thing ive ever seen. i mean that in the most respectful way possible. and wadakuma has literally bulked up for this so his hissatsu in hiden pales in comparison to this.............

and his voice comes out like its being dragged out from him. like he can barely get the words out due to anger. he’s super fucking mad

THIS. this is the most spirited fight he’s ever had. its so obvious he’s on a completely different level from his teammates (he’s lv99 isnt he) with the way he’s slicing and controlling an entire crowd . he’s grown so strong....................... 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

i forgot to breathe

how does kasen still look like the most beautiful being in the universe despite being injured.

just like gracia, kasen feels the pull of fate trying to bring them to each other. there is literally no other explanation. their stories are just that strongly connected to each other.

he’s being honest for a second and admitting he had doubts. also the third time he says ‘katsute no aruji ga aishita’ like its drilled into him.

taken aback by being called an oni......maybe he thought gracia hated him, was looking at him with the same hatred she felt for tadaoki

kokin isnt supposed to cry please nooooooooooooooo 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 we all wish honnouji hadnt happened but seeing kokin finally lose his composureeeeeeeeee

otomo sourin is..........undeniably one of the most sincerest christians in this. he wanted to genuinely let all the christians born there live their lives, but in the end, this place he thought would be better became engulfed in the same ‘blood and war’ he wanted to escape from. its so heartening to see the touken danshi respond to him with that same sincerity. ‘we’ll certainly carve it into our chest’

here lies jesus betrayed by most of his disciples. the last supper lived up to its name

‘the presence i feel from you is one im very familiar with.’ is a strong (and the first) confirmation of the fact that chougi and manba are directly Connected to each other. fused and attuned to each other. i mean chougi hadnt even met manba for very long, with the latter leaving for his kiwame journey on the same day that chougi arrived. because no one other than chougi himself seems to feel that kuroda kanbei is.......different from the others. in any case, we can safely conclude that a piece of manba is lodged in chougi, just like a piece of chougi is lodged in manba. theyre the same but different, destined to have this indivisable connection.

in the same vein, i wonder if those from the same smith schools also feel the presence of their fellow crafted swords? perhaps those who’ve spent a long time together? or replicas and originals? would kasen be able to uniquely perceive izumi? would horikawa and yamabushi too, like chougi, be able to discern manba’s presence from a sea of swords? its an interesting idea with countless possibilities, so i’ll wager yes.

(chougi senses manba, kasen senses gracia, their connections run parallel)

kokin’s first human kill is ukon. its a shame the camera didnt switch to a closeup of kokin bc right after he stabs him, kokin strokes his sword and looks at his hand....

im not completely sure about this, but kasen is fearful, or at least very wary, of ukon. in kahakugeki when ukon yelled at him in his altered form, kasen flinched terribly. and now, when ukon is requesting kasen for something, kasen is suddenly on his guard, eyes widening. honestly idk why? maybe he thought he’d transform into something else? scared of what ukon might say??

about the bell tolling after ukon dies: its a death knell. ‘the ringing of a church bell immediately after a death to announce it.’ also symbolizes the end of something, or something that will end soon. in this context, the last of the christians has fallen. harunobu, sumitada, yukinaga, sourin, ukon, and then the tensho embassy. kuroda kanbei has essentially deserted them, and now only gracia remains. (when i typed this out i realized how bleak that sounds)

their roles were brief but.......the tensho boys did leave their mark behind. and their last words were haunting. and otomo sourin’s last few words as well.......

(i think nikkari may be subtly suggesting they all were spirits?)

‘surely someone somewhere within this sky is watching over you. kotegiriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii im going to shake you so hard

FUCK THEY SHOW KIKKOU NIKKARI SHISHIOU KOTE LOOKING ABSOLUTELY REMORSEFUL AND STUNNED WTFFFFFFFF

i mean i know thats manba, in some fucked up way, but i cant help not feeling attached to him (it?). and he is definitely acting on his own will, even fighting against the tra whenever it suits his own purposes, but its simply not our manba. theres this theory that that’s what manba is reduced to after his kiwame training goes wrong or something but i dont buy that. our manba is strong enough. he wouldnt be reduced to a time-hopping masterless sword like that.

this time chougi wins. you know how stupendous that is? just in his last appearance on stage, chougi had his ass handed to him in front of everyone by manba. now he fucking breaks manba’s fake with his own two hands. fucked up but also amazing narrative.

and he’s SO hell bent on protecting manba’s legacy. He’s so mad on manba’s behalf. AND HE DOESNT CALL OUR MANBA NISEMONOKUN HE CALLS HIM YAMANBAGIRI KUNIHIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DELICIOUS DELICIOUS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

‘yamanbagiri kunihiro. until you come home, i’ll protect this honmaru’ FUCKED ME UPPPPPPPPP he’s one of them now he’s one of them he has companions and he’s become less prickly than he used to be he’s HE’S BECOME A SUTE SWORD!!!!!!!!! that loss and uguisumaru’s lecture mustve made him introspect what his ideals and attitude entailed for the first time . that scene at the end of jiden where he’s standing at the top looking at everyone go about their daily chores? that was the start of his turning point. he realized he still had so much to learn about this honmaru before signing it off as merely pitiful. they tamed him <3

it all ties back to fucking oda nobunaga at the end im going to tear my hair out

pain pain all i know is pain . all kasen and jizou and kokin know is pain

be ready to protect her with your life because kasen knew a man who couldnt and regretted it till his dying day . he’s literally threatening to kill jizou i havent seen a sword wanting to destroy another ever since hiden. the hosokawa swords r fucked up

organs in the bgm are taken directly from the game ost

when gracia makes the slightest movement kasen and kokin r immediately on their guards . cryyyyyyyyyyying

um UM???? KAI-CHAN’S LINE DELIVERY????????????????????

‘anata wa inferno ni itte naranai. jizou bosatsu no michibiku ni shitegainasai. mada modoreru.’ english cant do these words justice. she’s choosing to give jizou up bc not only are they not supposed to be together, and she wants jizou to follow his own path rather than force himself to follow hers, which would be an irreedemable sin in both their faiths.

there we go. she cut their connection.

THE WAY kasen puts himself between jizou and graciadknsdkjnesjknfnsfkjnfkjneakfnueihnivasndkvwniugniufvnsfdjkanvuancuiasnkjcdsnvjkarnuesnkfjfnskdjvniuafnjesniuwenifunewanfiuwnfiu keysmashing isnt enough i need to jump on my keyboard

he tells kokin to take care of jizou not because kokin needed to be told or ordered to do so, but rather because kasen needs confirmation they’ll be safe and okay till he comes back. bc despite threatening jizou, he cares. and this line isnt even in the game event btw.

i hate and love this part. hate it bc it makes me cry.

(puts on my tinfoil hat) ave maria as a choice is actually so interesting because:

loved one's death I wonder who that could be djsdjdbcnsgshdodhdjfjdbdjdbfbd 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 KASEN’S BELOVED GRACIA OF FUCKING COURSE

note: ‘full of grace’ in latin is literally gratia plena (as in gracia, get it?)

of course, this bgm has drawn inspiration from the last boss bgm in the game’s keichou kumamoto event itself, so the ave maria bit comes in from there, but sute (full of absolutely insane people) have extended ave maria’s duration so that it perfectly lasts for the entirety of kasen’s and gracia’s fight.

oh btw this is the actual wall painting inside kumamoto castle’s honmaru goten! 

they changed the original painting to that of a couple which, 99.9%, is supposed to be gracia and tadaoki ;-; stabbed me in the heartdfghjk

(side note: the game has this change as well, but only on the first time you defeat the last boss. all subequent times you defeat the boss, the wall retains its original form, implying history has been corrected)

and thats not all the significance this painting has!!!!!!!!!!! according to the official kumamoto castle website, the original painting depicts wang zhaojun, one of the famous ‘four beauties’ of china. you can read a more comprehensive version of her story here, but the most important thing is that she, too, despite being hailed as virtuous and intelligent, was denied her rights to return home because of men in power, and died by suicide. like gracia, she also was a symbolic political figure (whereas wang zhaojun is said to represent the ties between the han dynasty and the mongolians, gracia’s death served to drive tadaoki to ieyasu’s side and arguably aided in winning sekigahara). what kind of coincidence is that.

theres a moment where he simply gazes at her. i cant emphasize how much him just looking at her means so much.

its like kasens body moves on its own but his mind is still clouded and the reality and hasnt caught up with the reality of what he is about to do.

for those two seconds she was saying nikukute nikukute nikukute, kasen must’ve thought she was talking about him, but then she adds that very soft ‘itoshii’ and his eyes cant go wide enough, like he’s woken for the first time, realizing the severity of the kill. ill never forget that face.

and tama sinks to her knees, fallen, just like she did when begging tadaoki to kill her.....time is a flat circle

my eyes popped out when tadaoki appeared like he was some kind of angel sent by the heavens. or some kind of ghost.

 theres nothing but love theres nothing but pure love in his eyes as he looks at gracia.

i once read somewhere that home is the first place you learn to run from. kasen’s been trying to outrun a lot of his past but this scene is like coming back home after a long time out in the rain. his parents finally notice him and are proud of him, for being as he is, painful stories and all. i cant stop looking and choking up at his bewildered face when tadaoki says those words. genuinely. this was his divine salvation, the first time we ever see him cry.

unlike cain and abel, kokin is his brother’s keeper. he nearly lost him once and he’s not letting him go ever again.

‘jizou yukihira [...] i will pray for your flower to bloom....’ says gracia as she disappears..............a play on the title. you knwo what that means? it means gracia has transferred the title of flower over to jizou. (kasen later also reaffirms this, saying ‘it is not the time for you to scatter yet’ to jizou when he asks kasen to kill him. wait now that i typed it out thats so dark)

isnt it quite ironic that he chases them after they’ve disappeared and gone? there’s a limit to how much a heart can restrict itself.

(the arm which kahakugeki kasen and kiden kasen wipe tama’s blood on r different. in kiden, he does it to his right forearm, which takes me back to the time he was looking at his own sleeve after tadaoki bloodied tama’s sleeve. that right forearm is like a sort of landmark for emotional pain. red blood on a blue kimono makes purple.....)

the first time he ever offers a smile to kokin and i break down. i

to some swords their master’s feelings come easily enough, and everyone else recognizes them (like mutsu in iden) but kasen and jizou, because they were part of a cosmically complex story about something that to most swords is indecipherable (love) they dont know how to understand or know sansai-sama and tama-sama’s heart.

‘what are you thinking of right now? what am i thinking of right now?’

there’s so much of kasen in this dialogue. and. i dont have any words left. like kasen said it isnt something to be described by such everyday, ordinary words. but what remains is that even if he thinks he’s far away from being elegant, he hasn’t lost his poetic spirit in all this violence. that integrity, he has kept.

compared to kahakugeki, his voice is less brash and abrasive when telling jizou to stand. these small differences actually make a whole world of difference.

the absolute look of heartbreak jizou gives him

and its almost imperceptible, but kasen nods at him. and im not 100% sure but he offers him a small smile as well.

there it is. the amatsukaze. the heavenly wind that with it hopefully took away with it the souls of those that died. (since the wind is representative of kokin it feels like he’s wrapping up the events of this investigation, bringing it all to an end.) (i read a repo by someone that wondered if what kasen glimpsed at those last moments was actually paraiso, heaven, and thats why he was so shocked. its left up to our interpretation)

these lines of dialogue feel like kasen wrote them down in his own diary. in kahakugeki this was the exact dialogue given to the kodanshi. i wonder if kasen simply handed the script he made to him so he could tell a story from it.

‘the year after gracia’s death, the christianity ban wasn’t lifted, but tadaoki established a church. at the mass, it was said he lamented gracia. even now, tadaoki’s and gracia’s two graves, lie side by side in the hosokawa clan’s cemetary.’

kokin’s incoming call, again, is: 来ぬ人を　待つ夕暮れの秋風は　いかに吹けばかわびしかるらむ [What is the nature / of the autumn wind’s blowing / that it brings such grief / when in the dusk I await / someone who fails to appear? (from the tkrb wiki)

summarises all the longing and pain wholly.

also, its coincidental he mentioned  秋 here because the kikyou flower, symbol of the akechi clan, is one of japan’s ‘seven flowers of autumn’. despite all the association kiden and kasen have with spring (new creation, blossoming ideas etc) the seasonal and character developmental journey has left us at autumn, with kasen coming back to us with a kikyou replacing his peony.

i suppose some would call it sute wanting to quickly end kasen’s character arc, but him departing for his kiwame journey goes to show how frantic and eager he was to really achieve his full potential. and you know what? fucking good for him. he deserves it. i was fully happy with it. more than happy in fact. ecstatic.

but also, its funny how he left right before the incoming call came in again. i mean surely he didnt know when exactly it’d come right? in the game, kokin literally says ‘to wait or to keep one waiting, im not very good at that’ and kasen, absolute mad lad, does exactly that omg.

apparently, only kikkou and nikkari knew of kasen leaving.

nikkari’s smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. he’s happy for kasen.!!!!!!!!!!!

kasens smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! his pure, genuinely delightfully rare smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! while he’s off !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so happy i was alive to witness it

church choir in the bgm!

them. kidengumi. dear dear dear kidengumi. rode out this hard mission together. high fiving each other. i dont even have words

KASEN MAKES THE SAME POSE AS THE TIME HE EMERGED IN HIS SHINKEN HISSATSUUUUU

as far as i’m concerned, this is what divinity looks like in mortal form . i could wax poetic about the composition of this scene, his costume, which solidified completely my love for his kiwame, the little butterfly accessories, wadakuma’s constant dimple..... (i say this very calmly for a person who went into hysterics for the rest of the day after seeing it live. all that emotion nearly made me throw up. im so so so so so, so proud of him.) i don’t think i’ll ever stop getting goosebumps from his shinken hissatsu and kiwame. even though i’d been spoiled since the start of april i cant believe that it really happened. kuma’s triumphant smile right as he struck all the tra at once.....i wonder how it mustve felt like. being so powerful, the centre of this story, and that being the last performance too.....man hold on i need to cry

The first words he says to us, after returning, are  literally tadaoki's death poem (despite his nonchalance about  sansai-sama's death in his kiwame letters, it must've hung heavy on  him):  皆共が忠義 戦場が恋しきぞ いづれも稀な者どもぞ (sorry idk how to translate this without  it sounding incomplete but the gist of it is that he misses the battlefield,  and all the rare people that left him) . and kasen adds in his own  little line as well: やがて 僕たちもそうな るのだろうか？でもその時までは. will we eventually become thus as well? but, until then...

(kasen’s understood and seen mortality right in its closest proximity. he’s contemplating the possibility of them one day becoming nothing.....having to leave the battlefield for good. which ties into something ive been wondering as well: when they finally defeat the tra, save mikazuki etc, when there wont be any enemy left, what would their purpose be? kasen’s answer is simply, we won’t know until we reach that point. until then, they will keep fighting. that is all.)

kasen left reciting gracias death poem and came back to us with tadaoki's death poem on his tongue.

its like he’s casting off who he used to be and, like a butterfly, has reinvented himself by letting his old self go. I'm not a christian, and haven't witnessed any christian rituals, so I say this with secondhand knowledge only: kasen's kiwame reveal felt  like a Baptism. an interesting commentary on one of the bible passages comes to mind: "O merciful God, grant that the old Adam in this child may be so buried, that the new man may be raised up in him." what is metamorphosis if not a temporary death? he buried the old tadaoki in him. i mean buried as in come to terms with. he’s no longer fighting and struggling against him. acceptance, like kasen mentions seeking in his kiwame letters, becomes him.

i can’t get over how in the curtain call bows, wadakuma cant stop looking and smiling at the audience. you cen literally feel his happiness radiating everywhere. no more crying like in kahakugeki’s daisenshuuraku, they made it out the dark tunnel. just. god. im so full of emotions whenevr kiden is brought up. kuma loves kasen so much.

im glad suemitsu-san spent so much effort on making kiden as faithful and true and sensitive to everyone’s characters. im so so glad that we got two keichou kumamoto adaptations. im terribly happy that they could tell us the story of our sute honmaru’s investigation, without compromising a single thing. i’ll carry this happiness within me for a long, long time, even if i wasn’t there in person. if anyone has managed to get done reading both of my silly posts and made it till here, i hope you’ve felt the same gratitude and bewilderment and all the various mixture of emotions kiden threw at us. kasen is my favourite character, and i hope this beautiful tale has left a mark on everyone who saw it, just like kuma said.

(thoughts on the ed here)

#keysmashing and meta paragraphs co-exist in this #anyway......there was a fuckton of symbolism and somehow i managed to empty 50% of my mind through these two posts #kiden was a love letter to kasen kanesada <3 #tousute #kiden ikusayu no adabana

[hyunjinspark]

JADE JADE JADE JADE!!! THIS IS SUCH A MASTERPIECE😭😭 I LITERALLY HAVE NO WORDS TO EXPRESS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW...

this whole chapter was so beautifully written, you capture all those emotions in such a way that I can picture all of the scenes in my head(except that I keep picturing hyun with black hair😭) BUT just the way you write is absolutely breathtaking, I love this so much😭

But now my thoughts on each of them,

yeonjun, i love him so much. I love the way he was always understanding even when they were young, I'm sorry but he deserves someone better than hana😭😭 the way he genuinely cares about y/n opinion, it feels so nice to see someone genuinely interested in her thoughts, he's just a complete sweetheart🥺

felix, I have no idea what to say about him, but I just hope that y/n stops thinking about "what will yongbok think" behind every action she takes. it just is messing with her more :// like y/n is such a sweet girl and it honestly pains me to see her so sad just because her friends cannot accept the fact that she is paying attention to the one person who's interested in her, not even romantically but just as herself if that makes sense. oh and also, I absolutely despise the way lix hid that he knew about the boy in the store😤😤 but I just hope he grows up lmao

minho, I'm loving the character development hehe,especially since i did bash him about no standing up for y/n a few weeks ago. he's also really kind but ig he doesn't really show it that much but him helping hyunjin out shows that he's super sweet.

and finally, hyunjin, my love... PLS HE'S JUST SO PERFECT😭😭 everything he did in this chapter made me feel so fuzzy like he knows exactly what he's doing(well technically you). just the way you portray him is amazing, like I said, I can absolutely picture all the moves he makes in my head and it's the best thing ever. also I feel so sad that he just cannot act on his feelings because of what's happening in the city, please don't break chan and kairi up, I'm begging you🥺 I don't want hyunjin to stop believing on love if ever they do break up because this is just going to hurt everyone and I'll be sad too😭😭

the event also was just beautifully described, it was amazing, all the little details you added🥺

akdjjs and the kiss, don't even get me started on that. I have to say that a tear did slip out of my eye when that happened. LIKE FINALLY WE'VE BEEN FED. also I was praying to the Lord that seungmin doesn't come back😭🥲, like I said, MASTERPIECE!!

also, I noticed how you said sorry next to the word count, so I wanted to express my undying love for long chapters!! I absolutely ADORE long chapters because for me, the more there is to read, the better I can get lost in the world of fiction and it just makes the whole experience better so do not apologise for long chapters, they're the best😤😤😤

anyway, I wanted to say thank you for writing such a masterpiece🥺🥺 you're doing really great with this and I cannot wait to see how the story proceeds but of course, take care of yourself, eat well, drink lots of water and take plenty of rest!! you've worked so hard❣️❣️

why am i seeing this now !! its for part 11, im sorry for the delay :( but thank you oh my god. thank you for thinking this way. yeonjun has always been so understanding and that flashback was so important to reiterate yn’s life growing up and how her relationship with her friends has been.

im very happy you love hyun, he is such a sweeetheart indeed ☹️ and you’re right, chan and kairi do play a big role in his thoughts and ideas on love and relationship and hopefully…they stay together.

thank you so much for this sweet message. it made my day !!

#star lost with you #part 11

[dynamicspacebud]

was just doing my moms dishes bc i felt bad for her when i just really started to dwell on how she is as a mother like WOW is she a SHIT mom and i mean that like my god she is awful. I don’t like to remember stuff like this or hold it in my head like how i really have to dig deep to re-remember all the ways my father is horrible but right now with her i don’t know i want to write down what i was thinking about. How less than a year earlier we had to change the locks on the door because he threatened to come even though she said no and i got really scared and started having terrible nightmares about him coming in and killing us and then she just surprise told me he is was coming over one day and completely disregarded my concerns and feelings about how i told her i felt uncomfortable and unsafe with him around she just did not care and was so selfish even though this was supposed to be my home too. Or how that night she was like I’m an adult i can have casual sex when i simply asked if he was staying the night and she was like i’m just being honest when i went wtf as though a year prior she didn’t blame me for him financially/ sexually abusing her for getting money for sex and she blamed me because i was using her credit card and not paying bills as though i wasn’t a teenager who didn’t even know any of this was happening i just got blamed. How could she even put that on me i knew then and now it wasn’t and had never been my fault but that’s such a sick thing to say honestly it makes my stomach curl. Her asking how and why my relationship with my father has to reflect and effect my relationship with her as though i didn’t write a whole fucking peer reviewed essay about how it does like how is she so fucking awful as a mother like i’m very glad i was born but god she should have never been someone to take care of someone else or anything else like how she also abandoned her cat when her boyfriend wanted her too. It’s so sick i don’t and never did deserve the terrible parents i have. I don’t want them. I cant wait to get to a place when i can genuinely never have contact with them again. Seeing and being reminded of it all holds me back i know that. I don’t want that. I cant have that. And every year in close and closer to breaking away. I’ll get there i know i will and i’ll never have parents i’ll only have s** and a***** but i’ll still watch bluey and cry cry cry because someone has those parents and that makes my heart warm enough. And maybe i’ll even be that parent one day. Mine are so beyond awful i will and can never be them it’s not even possible. I’m very lucky i got out i mean look at my shit brother that hateful bigot. Good for him tho he barley talks to them i wish i were him in only that way. They hurt him more than me and because he’s cishet and grew up in a rich highschool i think that’s why he turned out that way. I don’t know i want to say maybe he has changed but as a cop i know it’s impossible he has. I won’t have any contact to my immediate bio family. My uncle today asking me how long it’s been since i talked to my brother and me saying years. I mean often i genuinely forget i have a brother which is funny in a way because we lived together until i was like 19 it’s not even like we didn’t grow up together or he left when i was young. My mind just has such a strong way of blocking everything out. It’s for my own protection but i don’t know how good that is honestly. Like with hannah it did the same thing. Nes being like I REMEMBER how do you not ??? you were so close and i have to really think about it or see pictures or texts to remember and when i do it’s strong and im sad. I guess my mind doesn’t want me to be sad. But i don’t know i don’t think that’s a good thing. Not entirely. Ok funny enough im rewatching the 100 and they have kind of touched on this subject with raven not remembering finn and jaha not remembering his son but them being “happy” because they can’t feel the pain of losing them even though they don’t remember the happy and good stuff either. I think that’s kind of what my mind is

[emetkoto]

Hey, please tell me your favourite Emetkoto headcanon? - @littlelordalphinaud

honest to god have to go with the wedding thing it drives me insane to think about its SO good and hurts SO much...im working on a long ass rambling post about it so i wont talk your ear off too much here but basically tldr (shadowbringers and endwalker spoilers)

near the end of shb before the vauthry fight when everything was looking good irt k'oto containing the light and suck emet-selch came to him one night he wasnt called and woke him up to take him down to the shade of amaurot in the tempest and the two got married in a traditional amaurotine ceremony <3 then after the ceremony and the obligatory ""first night"" he waited for k'oto to fall asleep and used his magic to seal away his memories of the night, took his ring, and sent him back to his inn room so it was as if nothing ever happened at all :,) if he had been able to contain the light from vauthry and prove mankinds worth emet-selch would have broken the spell and allowed him to have them back so they could just stay together but things didn't work out and the next chance he got was after the dying gasp which uh...ummmm... well. k'oto was pretty fucked up since he yknow, didnt plan to kill him at all and was not in control when that axe was swung so letting those memories loose right then seemed like a terrible idea so he just. didnt! he thought k'oto would be better off without the burden so he went on and on missing him and wishing that he had something, anything to remember him by, or any truly good times to look back on to numb the pain but he didnt!! so emet-selchs whole 'youll be better off without them' thing kinda backfired, oops! after elpis he was even more of a mess since um. wow. that all was kind of his fault for not really doing anything even though doing something would literally make him stop existing huh! when he got down to the aetherial sea and met hydealyn he was pretty distressed...angry at her for putting him and emet-selch through All That Shit and just generally grieving all over again but wait, she could see something wasnt right with his aether....a magic she recognized cast on his memories! so as a last act of good will to show that she truly loved him and was so very truly honestly sorry...she broke the spell for him :,) it was a genuinely good memory of him, not at all plagued by doubt or uncertainty or emet-selch saying some weird shit about how inferior sundered beings are it was just them. happy and in love for once and now he had it!!! he could think of it whenever he was sad and missing him and it gave him strength to carry on after that second devastating blow in elpis!!! and all of ultima thule!!! and pseaking of ultima thule when he's reunited with him there again emet-selch has no idea hydealyn has cleansed his memories and he Still Doesnt Plan To because he worried the memories would drag him down instead of empower him (like how his memories of paradise kept him trapped in the past unable to move on) so when k'oto tells him that he DOES remember he is. very surprised but also so so so sosososo glad that at the very end everything is finally out in the open. nobody is missing any memories, nobody has to lie or obscure the truth or hold back information to further their agendas theyre just. two lovers saying goodbye at the end of all creation hhhhhh,,,,,,,,,,,,,he gives him back his ring, puts it back on him all romantically the same way he did at their wedding and k'oto never takes it off ever again

this got a lot more rambly than expected but it still will get worse when i finish that other post. you have been warned

#words of mimi #emetkoto #mimis loveposting corner

[mozzeeyy]

i wish i was never born. i mean that genuinely. every positive experience ive ever had doesn't and never has made life worth living. i know i sound dramatic and stuff right now but this is how i genuinely feel deep down. i wish my mom thought about the realities of life id be facing instead of only thinking about how much she wanted a baby and how having a baby would make Her happy. she was really only thinking about herself when she had me. i don't want to work 40 hours/week for the next 50+ years. i don't want to worry about shelter. i dont want to deal with the pain of scoliosis every day. i dont want to pay thousands of dollars to get my wisdom teeth removed. i dont want to learn to deal with my intense feelings. i dont want to waste money to figure out what im interested in. i dont want to struggle. but ultimately none of that matters. it doesnt matter how i feel about life because im already living and could never Ever hurt and traumatize the people around me by k1ll1ng myself. i could never do that to the people closest to me. no matter how bad i feel. so i have no option but to keep living. even though nothing really truly makes me happy or excited for the future anymore. every day is the same because i have no money to spend to do anything. so i will continue to work to live so that i wont die and make ppl close 2 me sad. but i wish so badly that i didn't have to do any of this. life is exhausting and theres barely any enjoyment. i just really, really wish i was never born.

[transgenderfox]

wait omg drop the elise essay king ‼️

IM ONLY 20 MINUTES INTO CUTSCENES SO EVERYONE IGNORE MY DUMBASS IF ANYTHING I SAY IS BLATANTLY WRONG AND WHATNOT

also this all probably makes no sense bc i wrote it all immediately upon waking up and its very disjointed . (did my best to clean it up for u bestie <3) but anyway

SO. basically i really dont like how elise is just something for sonic to chase after rescuing over and over and over. it feels like in trying to stop amy from being the damsel in distress they were like okay but now we need a NEW one. i dislike how she has such little agency.

my understanding of her backstory so far is her dad puts iblis in her as a kid and then dies because parents have no rights in this franchise. and this sounds !! like SUCH an interesting basis for her character. (again im not at that part yet so almost definitely im missing something but to seal iblis in her feels VERY shitty even if its nessacary for whatever reason, shes only a child.)

you could spin it to be a narrative about childhood abuse or trauma but again i dont have full context yet, if thats not at all where it goes then were i completely rewriting it id go with that personally !!

ANYWAY THE MAIN POINT I WAS GOING ON ABOUT IS WHAT I WANT TO SEE FROM HER:

so far it seems like the plot is just happening around her and to her. shes grabbed shes rescued she plays exposition fairy rinse wash repeat and i think this could actually be used well, as a starting point for her arc.

that line saying shes a good girl stuck out to me, as thats what you call children who dont cause problems. and well. what is a problem if not iblis. this heavy focus on being "good" and having to repress everything to keep iblis at bay will obviously weigh on someone, especially a child. this girl can bottle up so many dang emotions. she can be a true lesson in toxic positivity !! she also strikes me as very lonely (not uncommon with royal characters in sonic, like blaze)

so, shes a good (read: obedient) child who tells herself she has to always be happy for everyone elses sake. that her pain will harm others greatly.

mirroring how she had no control in the decision to harbour iblis, she allows herself to be pulled about by the plot for a while. (maybe acting independently doesnt even feel like an option to her, because she doesnt fully know what will awaken iblis, making her feel the best way to keep the world safe is to do nothing??? sacrificing herself for the worlds sake if you will.) shes been stripped of control her whole life so why would she act differently now?

she cannot be sad. so beneath everything, all of her sadness turns into anger that shes keeping at bay. why her?

i want her to have this unimaginable deeply repressed anger at her father and what he did. and i dont know what it would be, but i want something to act as a catalyst for her finally snapping, and she takes control of her story and chooses to set iblis free. she becomes the monster at her own volition. in "losing control" she finally gains it.

as i said to my best friend: i want a work of fiction where the woman is allowed to go really insane and be grotesque. where theres nothing pretty about her situation at all.

like i said, she strikes me as very lonely, and maybe the genuine bond she gained with sonic and co throughout the game is where her defeat will come from.

after all this isnt nessacarily her its her pain and her anguish. its something thats been mounting for years and years because of everything that happened to her. her whole life she has been her pain, all her actions (and lack thereof) for the sake of everyone else because she is the iblis trigger. but with sonic and everyone, for the first time in her life shes not that, shes elise, their friend. they love her genuinely and they want her to live life on her own terms.

THAT IS THE GENERAL GIST OF WHAT I THINK WOULD BE COOL ! if nothing else i think itd make for a neat au (villain au? though i dont really wanna see her stay a villain i iwant this to be more a metaphor for healing) but YA. im expected the timeline to now warp so this has always been true and everyone goes "wym this was litearlly the whole plot" wish me luck besties <3

#txt #wait i forgot to tag #elise

[crrps3t]

I’m so sick and tired of seeing happy pretty skinny girls succeed in life. All I do is rot away, I’m fat and ugly, I’ve never actually accomplished anything in my life. I genuinely hate myself, I hate myself so fucking much, I can’t remember a single time where I genuinely felt happy about any aspect of me, there is always something wrong. I’m a shitty mediocre artist at best, I’m a dropout who’s dumb as shit and never in mg life was good in school, I have no interesting stories to tell people about myself, half the shit I do tell people are lies. Because when you’re a fat ugly loser like me you don’t get to live a happy life, you don’t get to do fun shit because no one wants you around, you don’t get to experience teenage romance or parties, or fun sleepovers, or anything like that. I’m never going to be some perfect skinny collage student with the perfect boyfriend, or the prom queen, or whatever the fuck. And I do try, I try so fucking hard and no one notices, I try so fucking hard to be happy with myself and the moment I slip up once someone is on my ass about it.

Especially recently, I’m in so much fucking pain especially with my tooth and part of me is to blame because I screwed it all up freshman year by throwing up every other meal and I keep doing it even though it’s rotting away my teeth and collage is so stressful because I have to pass the first time and if I don’t pass that proves everyone else right that I’m just some fuck up, I have pcos I’m never going to be pretty so I have to make up for that in some other way by at least pretending I’m smart. And I just feel so lonely all the time, my mother is having mental health problems right now so I can’t talk to her and she’s already worried about me and I can’t make that worse so I can’t open up to her, my dad just doesn’t fucking get it, .. doesn’t get it because she is everything I want to be and will never fucking be, my siblings are too young to understand, I have no fucking friends because no one actually likes me at the end of the day, I don’t have a wife or husband to talk to I’m so fucking lonely. I’m so sad at the moment and I don’t know why, all the effect I’ve givin all these things to have just gone to waste and I’m so tired of everything. I don’t wanna die but at the same time I don’t want to live. I just want to wake up one day and be the perfect girl so I can make people happy and make myself happy. I just want one person I can feel safe around, who doesn’t joke about me in some way, who can get me, someone who doesn’t immediately get pissed off at me when I do something, someone who will just sit down and listen to me and fucking hold onto me and tell me that they love me and it’s ok to feel these things and that im ok and notice how hard im actually trying. But no instead I get stoned to the point I can’t fucking move and cuddle with my pillow to pretend it’s someone’s chest, whisper those things to myself as I pet my own head like the fucking pathetic loser I am.