#it is SO FUCKING OBTUSE to claim this is the same as how right wing 'news' sources have infinite money

[elftwink]

im pretty tipsy rn so i will not be responding but i wanted to let u all (my beloved mutuals and followers) that people are being so fucking annoying in the notes of that post i made about paywalls and journalism because its taking off again (rip my notifs) and like. im not going to claim to an expert but by god so many ppl on this site want to tell me their opinion on journalism despite very clearly knowing nothing about the industry

#good idea generator #'but wapo is owned by bezos' yeah and hes hoarding the money for himself he is not personally paying wapo journalists as far as i know #and wapo while not a news source i trust on every topic. esp since bezos owning it creates a conflict of interest #it is SO FUCKING OBTUSE to claim this is the same as how right wing 'news' sources have infinite money #like. ok on the one hand wapo is a little more insidious. however clearly stuff like prageru being funded by oil money #and being SHOWN IN SCHOOLS. is like. more of a fucking issue. obviously #also every mf is just on that post acting like i said all left wing media is run by saints. not what i said #i said they had to beg for money. WHICH THEY DO. smh

[vr2]

i think kaeya’s suffocating one-way loyalty to others, especially diluc, is one of my favourite parts of his character. an inhumanly knightly ideal stretched transparent, gauze-thin to try and obscure the deficit of your own personhood. like clawing shut a black hole with bloodied fingers but still finding it weeping uncontrollably, hysterically. it’s not exactly self-sacrifice but more like some ill-fated way of seeking validation, plunging yourself into the dark to reaffirm that there is something light, barely alive, faintly flickering within. something worth saving, something human after all. its knowingly asking a question that cannot be answered or taken back. an irreversible change of state is the culmination of rubedo, the metamoprhic stage preceding it symbolized by the peacocks tail, cauda pavonis. understanding the true weight of flesh without blood is to kill the creature beforehand, but this is the only way a true value can be known. childhood dreams denature into scar tissue, charred memories leave a bitter taste in your mouth no matter what you wash it down with. twisting the knife to feel agony once more, confirmation there was some soft underbelly to to the beast, still made of blood and bone, steel carapace and blood-dark claws nothing more than bygone idles. this body can catch alight, can burn brilliantly. this maddening fragility can only be human.

an enduring but deceptively frail nature. i think most of his potential as a character is just waiting for him to shatter and reveal what exactly is left underneath it all like a kinder surprise! but the surprise is abject misery compounded upon whatever fucking awful events would have to cause him to break cleanly in two. i think, naturally, if left to his own devices with little change other than his tentative limbo with diluc, the niggling fear of his truth being exposed and his true utter loneliess, rather than breaking, kaeya would slowly be eroded with time. already well entrenched in the safety of his masks in the city he all but rules, slowly the glaciers hes built turn into the sea and without realising it one day he’d be stranded in an ocean of his own making completely and utterly desolate. eventually kaeya will find himself swalloed by the abyss and he will not struggle as the water comes to claim him.

as fun as that is i think there are much more interesting avenues to go down. for all kaeya is mond’s glacial cavalry captain he’s paradoxically also characterised by his emotional vulnerability. and i just think it’s delicious to prey on that and have some extreme emotional distress that tears him apart. although it’s never alluded to ingame outside of jean’s story quest it seems that kaeya orchestrates a lot of things and is relatively deeply involved with the personal lives of many characters who could not particularly offer him anything in return. specifically jean, klee, lisa and amber. somehow slowly he has scraped together some semblance of friendship and camraderie if not outright family. with him being abandoned twice over, one more final abandonment making kaeya compeltely lose all sense of reality would utterly break him for the last time. like realising all this time, all this change, everything yous aid and did was not only pointless but it was a distraction. the ice beneath your feet is is cracking even if you screamed for help you’d simply be damning another person to die with you, selfishly, thoughtlessly, cruelly. realising your purpose was nothing so grand, but with lies and misdirection they sent you to die in the snow convincing yourself a martyr. there is nothing to catch you, nothing to hold onto but whatever is lurking beneath. you can at least trust a beast to be beast, you were denied to live amongst the land of men but in the depths of the abyss you monsters you call your kin reach out to you, knowing. its only a matter of control now, to either fall off of the edge of the world or dive into it.

like a bird trying to swim beneath the water and finally succumbing to the waves. abandon yourself to your fate. revel in it, drink it down in huge gulps, fall into the spiral and dont look up, don’t acknowledge any other ending than this. there is no use making wishes, the stars are not listening.

i think the event that makes kaeya lose his tenuous grip on reality will actually be completely unnoticeable to anyone who doesnt particularly know him ie other than maybe jean, rosaria and diluc. kaeya will not endanger mond directly, but he is aware, that when he falls, so does a pillar of mond’s defence. he will not raise his sword against the place that gave him a wonderful illusion of belonging but he will not save it either, there was no way for him to understand this land of wind, as someone who was born not knowing the sky.

kaeya would mostly act as usual but there’s something distinctly off-kilter. his usual teasing more strange and obtuse, his usual silvertongue tempered into something more humble, cut with a strange truthfulness, a quiet gentleness of a youth from long ago. as if the captain had suddenly turned back time, as if slowly opening up and blooming like a flower. jean is happy to see kaeya smile again, even if she knows it if an affectation of a memory of a memory. she feels like the anemo archon had gifted him wings, this lightness a blessing she should be thankful for rather than weighed down with niggling worry for her oldest friend. rosaria finds it rather liberating, feeling as if kaeya has finally had the strength to shake off the great weight he carried, that burdensome melancholy has finally thawed. if it was not for the face master diluc is making at him however, she might have missed how wide and unseeing that smile seems.

diluc would be torn. there is something wrong with kaeya. but at the same time isn’t this what he wanted? perhaps in another life if kaeya ragnivindr had the chance to grow up, to bloom into adulthood, this is what he’d be. there is a childish softness he had thought he had burned away, the specter of a boy from another life warm and real before you. that makes something in his throat catch, the back of his eyes ache. diluc would feel tormented, kaeya surely had found some peace but here diluc has convinced himsef its ill-gotten. theres a warring inside him of wanting to reach out and hold this person you’ve never seen before, lest the disappear like snow come dawn and at the same time dig your fingers into it, sift through it until its in pieces before you and find what must exist in the heart of this illusion, even if it means tearing it to pieces. its often, often, he curses demanding the truth. honor and code and chivalry mean nothing any more but he has chosen the path and he can no longer go back. because now it means he cannot leave this kaeya, who can at least pretend to smile like he used to, intact. even this short reprieve must be burnt away.

questioning kaeya is painful, he uses his truthful emotions to disarm and its impossible to get anywhere. kaeya knows what hes doing. if he must be a liar to the end, he will give them the grandest, most beautiful illusion he can create. he pulls on his own strings until he feels them dig into skin, closing around his throat. choking down all his childish wishes to be saved, and turning once more to the audience. smothering it is the kinder alternative than to let the small voice in his heart live, take pitiful struggling steps and have to watch it fizzle and die out with a whimper under the weight of the world. the show must go on, such a mundane performance is not worthy of the king of khaenriah.

kaeya has always known that no matter how he comes to the finale, he has his part to play. in the end his choices dont matter, nobody has ever let kaeya have anything but (a photograph set alight by the fireplace. black satin ribbons tied in neat loopy bows, order in unruly heads of hair, scratchy facial hair against your cheek, the smell of cologne and grapes, not yet wine, three bodies curled on an armchair, a book of fairy tale held in two sets of hands. there is hole is in the center). his body has always belonged to khaenriah, his sword to the knights of favonius, his life to mond. there a quiet vindictive selfishness still, of owning and having complete control of your heart. one ill retaliation that gurgles out of your throat and takes the form of half-aborted laughter spilling out like tar, like sickness. turning the world upside down and righting your positions. kaeya sets the board to its rightful place.

is it still falling if you jump? no need to fear of someone letting go, if you had no intention of holding on. one final indulgence, one last rebellion. the childish vindictiveness of taking something from someone and not giving it back, getting the last laugh even if you laugh alone.

the peacock stage in alchemy, is the stage of transcendence, to destroy the original form and purify it to its final rubedo. the peacock must be swallowed by the phoenix. burning through its brilliant colours to achieve the transmutation between the mundane and divine. this is the the purpose of the cauda pavonis. it is to represent a form that is to be destroyed to achieve completion. a sacrifice.

to kaeya, knowing his purpose yet still foolishly living beyond it is the thing that truly truly sinks its teeth in. knowing that everything he built will be destroyed and he must allow it for being foolish enough to build it in the first place. he knows his impermanence and yet still he is beside himself with a festering rage called humanity creeping into his bones. having no way to process this as anything other than some inherent malignant evil that must be intrinsic to himself, i think kaeya takes ‘pleasure’ in not only burning that bridge but proving to everyone that he was an awful person who deserved this and he really is getting the last laugh. and truly there is something about it, for once, destroying something for your own pleasure. even if it is taking your own chance of redemption, that weak-hearted hopefulness and crushing it between your teeth, finding your saviour just to spite their naivety. the onyl thing left ot destroy is yourself so kaeya will make it absolute and spectacular! a performance seen this night and never again.

but the just straight up sacrifice for the sake of devotion, feeling as if he truly has nothing left but himself and he is his own person to destroy, his only act he can take, the only move on the board is sexy too. in another world, those deeper desires never breaking the ice, layers of permafrost scarred over and scratched raw - idle fantasies of love and forgiveness and belonging, mundane dreams reserved for better people - that could not be burnt out of you that night, like your hair, like your hands, like your flesh, like your heart. an ashen taste that lingers, a bitter aftertaste ever present no matter what you try and wash it down with. you can at least appreciate that the ache of your lungs filling with water, with wine, with the heavy weight of lies -- you can imagine you will sink, heavy with this grief. no one can change this punishment you have decided for yourself, they cannot save you without your consent. you see an invitation to be smothered, for your death to have a purpose, just as your life and birth had predetermined value, how could you deny such a privilege?

what is this if not a final act of devotion? to who, it’s undecided. but the fact you have burnt through this life for others, that you have bled for them, have been their hope, perhaps with this you can finally earn the title of a good man in their eyes. but your own dull gaze is the only one that looks back at you.

to think of their faces, their names, their warmth would sully this divine duty with pointless sorrow so you would close your eyes and clutch at the chest, where an abyssal heart would beat fast and scared, a betrayer and coward til the end. in the cold water, the outline of a dream, the gauzy silhouettes of people you loved, the light of the sun cast shadows across lands both alien and comforting, and, and - anything at all would be worth it. anyone but you.

perhaps this is simply the end. the final act lay unwritten for there is no point writing words that will never be read. perhaps the mask has slipped and you never noticed, insisting the show must go on when there is no one to play to. a performer perpetually stuck on the stage, turning about the head of a pin, boring into you with every revolution. 

the depths of the abyss, pale in comparison to a gaping maw of this despair so wide, that this ocean is nothing but shallow waters to you. walking into the sea, with sword in hand, a sickness in the form of a love that is incomprehensible and cold. to finally rest free, a sojourn with no hope of return a voyage to far away from here. kaeya alberich falls to the end of the world and you will not save him.

as well and good all this rambling is, i think my favourite rendition of kaeya alberich shattering into tiny little pieces is to the tune of ‘kelly clarkson - since u been gone’

#damn you ren #its a banger song #i like my vindictive kaeya he deserves it king #renshin impact #unhinged kaeya rambling time #cw suicidal ideation #i am jus rambling its nothing coherent #organic free range delusions served fresh and hot #if even 20% of this is intelligeible i am a goddamn GENIUS #unfortuantely i will never know since i do not intend to ever read this again

[furlesspoop-blog]

DESTIEL/COCKLES FICS

Destiel/Cockles longer fics rec list (happy endings for all!)

(This is only a short list…only posting fics I’ve actually read so I know how much angst/whump/sex/fluff is contained, should be enough to tide you over for a while though, so enjoy >_<)

(Oh, my rec lists pretty much only ever contain fic NC-17 or above so if you don’t like the sex, the swearing and the violence then this is the wrong place for you my friend)

DESTIEL

300 Things - 76,500 WORDS. Dean’s life at twenty-four makes him feel like he’s forty–he works two jobs to help pay bills for his house and put his genius little brother through private school, and has spent six years (on and off, let’s be honest) working on his mechanical engineering degree at KU. With so much of his life devoted to his family, Dean has little time in his schedule for class and no time for social interaction. Then, while getting his classes together for the fall, he finds himself in a do-or-die situation: He must take his last literature class now, his spring already filled with those left for his major…except that none of the English classes will fit his schedule. A college AU. I generally assume every Destiel fan has read this, but just in case, here it is. It has love and angst and sex and a wonderfully happy ending. Go now. Read.

Tainted Love - 20 CHAPTERS. Castiel finds Dean in a strip club. Dean is surprised to discover he’s more interested in the angel then the strippers. Cash/Dean slash & eventual Balthazar/Sam slash, sexually graphic. This and the fic below are written by the same author, they writes Dean/Cas wonderfully, and the sex is…HOT, and the romance and love is so goddamn fucking perfect, but don’t worry there is plenty of angsting too. You just have to ignore that they think Sam has brown eyes and go with it.

Answering the Prayer - 12 CHAPTERS Cas answers Dean’s prayer. Sam finds Balthazar too tempting to ignore any longer. Slash, sexually graphic. Dean/Cas & Sam/Balthazar. IDGAF I fucking love Sam/Balthazar as a pairing, trust me, read it, you will too. Answering the prayer is one of my favs cause it has a tiny bit of Prayer loving in it and it’s a fav kink of mine.

Hummingbirds - 23,700 WORDS Castiel is rendered mute after being taught a painful lesson, but that enables Dean to learn a few lessons of his own while holding onto something important for him.Hurt/comfort; Castiel!whump; Dean!whump; porn. It’s very gory in places, so please be warned. And it’s also very, very soppy in others, so be warned for that, too. This is a wonderful fic, frustrated Cas is perfect. The whump is quite intense though, but that’s how this author writes, and it’s worth it.

The Melting Verse - 110,000 WORDS. The epic love story of Dean and Castiel told in 110,000 words. Stuffed to the brim with angel!porn, whump, angst, action, wing!porn and occasional soppiness, and Sam doesn’t get neglected either. (Although he doesn’t partake in the angel!porn, I should probably add.) Some of it’s really, really dark (with non-con), so be prepared for that if you’re just looking for a little schmoop. This fic is VERY dark in some places, but in others it is just…perfect, there are all kinds of love and porn involved and it is honestly my favourite, there were lots of tears (happy and sad) and the ending is fucking wonderful. The plot is so full on you’ll feel as though it’s canon.

Kissing it Bitter - 33,700 WORDS. Ever get the feeling the universe is trying to tell you something? This was originally a one-off in which I wanted Dean to save Castiel. And then Castiel ended up reciprocating, and then Lilith got involved, and, well, this happened. Contains much sexin’ and some violence… but, yeah, mainly sexin’. This is essentially an elongated fuck or die with a twist. It is spectacular though, in all the right ways. The past three fics are all by the same author, and there is A LOT more fics on their master listto read (some are just too angst for me…but do check them out, the one shots are fantastic too)

In Out of The Dark - 20 CHAPTERS A brother rotting in Hell, an angel hiding in Heaven, and a hunter consumed by the hunt…Dean tried to have a ‘normal’ life for Sam’s sake, but he couldn’t fight the hunt. It was as much who he was as taking care of Sammy. He’d failed at one; he couldn’t let himself fail at the other.It would take losing himself in the darkness and being dragged back into the light, before he accepted what he already knew …and maybe his angel would accept it, too. Plenty of angst, awesome Gabriel.

The Tripping Verse - 45,000 WORDS. What do you do when the Universe itself seems to have decided you belong with your very stoic, very angelic, very MALE hunting companion? Dean’s about to find out. This one’s wonderful. While the kissing happens pretty early on there is a lot of story before Dean and Cas properly get together, lovely build up. Oh, and the sex in chapter 10…UNF.

The Voice of the Turtledove - 60,645 WORDS Castiel was eleven years old when he first felt there was something wrong with him. He’s twenty-nine, a Roman Catholic priest in a small New England village, before Dean Winchester shows him that there isn’t. Ok, if you’re REALLY religious, and don’t approve of a 32 yo having sex with a 17 yo or priests misbehaving…do not read this fic. I hesitated at first, but honestly it’s a beautifully written (obstinatrix is fucking amazing) story and delicately handles all the issues in such a way that you really don’t feel even slightly irked. It’s only available as a PDF.

How to Destroy Angels - 5 LONGISH CHAPTERS.  Castiel is lost and hunted down. There’s a high priced on his head and of course … Everyone has to pay, right ? Except that his brothers want to kill him, and there are no places to hide. Really ? Dean finds broken and hurt, and none of them is ready : Castiel is not ready to fall and Dean is not ready to love. I honestly only started reading this because of the title (and my love for all things Reznor) but it is a great fic, a lot of Cas angst, but still sweet with a happy ending.

The Day the Whole World Went Away - 59, 658 WORDS. After being reunited with Sam and leaving Lisa, Dean is finding that adjusting back into the hunting lifestyle is harder than he thought it would be. When a particular hunt goes badly, he gets knocked out, only to awaken five years in the future. Things are definitely different; Castiel is a hunter, Sam is married and things between Dean and Castiel have gone somewhere Dean really hadn’t expected. And somewhere in all of this there is a lesson to be learned. Ok, never previously one for time travel fic, this completely blew me away. The Sam and Cas in this are to fucking die for. Also can I say how happy I am that Destiel writers love Trent Reznor as much as I do! fucking win.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell -  31,600 WORDS. Sergeant Dean Winchester expects to hate whatever journalist they assigned to his team. Castiel Adams expects to hate the three weeks spent around nothing but military people. It goes nothing like they thought it would, and they find themselves growing closer by the minute. But will misunderstandings and fear break them apart? AU fic, a lot of Dean being a dick though, one of those ‘true love’ fics where it’s love at first sight…then life happens.

Peanut Butter-Pumpkin Wedding Cake - 31,000 WORDS. The good ones are sometimes assholes and always taken.Dean is a waiter in a strip club to put his kid brother through school. Castiel is dragged to the club as a part of his sister Anna’s bachelorette party. Dean and Cas hit it off, but Dean thinks Cas is the one marrying Anna. A romcom style fic with your classic romcom plot. It is quite wonderful in the end >_<

Face to Face With the Skies - 40,000 WORDS. (Set right after 4.22) Castiel was not killed by Raphael on the night of Lucifer’s release. Instead, he’s sent to the year 1996 and encounters the Winchesters. Unable to return to the present, Castiel resigns himself to traveling with them on their hunts across the state. Meanwhile in the year 2008, Dean has barely gotten used to being back in the land of the living when he gets the biggest shock of his life; the man he fell in love with when he was eighteen has seemingly come back from the grave as well, claiming to be an angel of the Lord. The thing is, he doesn’t have a clue who Dean is. Read this yesterday and fucking loved it. Young Dean and Sam are fucking awesome. Time travel fic done perfectly right.

Burning the Days - 25,000 words. When Dean and Cas show up in time to prevent Lilith’s death, Team Free Will are all set to settle back into a life of saving people and hunting things - but nothing’s perfect. Dean’s a jerk who can’t keep it in his pants; Cas feels there’s plenty of room in his for the both of them. Sam’s sure you can’t be fuckbuddies with an angel and he’s going to prove it - just as soon as he finishes scouring his eyeballs with soap.But when Cas becomes Heaven’s Most Wanted and the cops figure out the boys aren’t as dead as they should be, Dean and Cas may prove to be both more and less obtuse than expected. Basically this is one of those fics that’s main plot point is Dean being an emotionally retarded idiot and taking his sweet ass time to admit he loves Cas. It is great though, has awesome Sam, humor, and some sex too >_<

COCKLES

Worse Than Being Blind - 22,162 WORDS. To cope with the directing on the set of Stonehenge Apocalypse, Misha and his new best friend Hill, spend their nights drinking and trying to forget the fact that they’re on a ridiculous scifi B-Movie. It helps when the director yells that they should all have more intensity in the morning. And then, one night, Torri invites herself to their nightly drinking and Misha does not know that this has bad life plan written all over it because Torri can drink everyone under the table. Now Misha has to deal with an earnest and freaked out Jensen who flies to the set because he wants to talk about “the message” (complete with air quotes) that Misha left on his cell phone. Add a new cast that has made it their mission to make Misha as embarrassed as possible and Jared, who never met an innuendo that he didn’t like, and Misha wonders how his life ever got here. Oh, and they do still have a movie to film. Oh I do love this fic. Misha is so fucking clueless!

Orizuru -  47,000 WORDS. No matter how insignificant the question, Jensen has always craved answers. The origami birds scattered in his path are no exception - each accompanying message more obscure and more pointed than the last. As he slowly becomes the proud owner of a growing paper menagerie, Jensen has to decide whether to follow the clues or follow his heart. This one has a nice looooong ass build up to them getting together, plenty of UST, and to be honest…misha being a dick at times. I enjoy it because it’s from Jensens POV.

A Sort of Fairytale -  14 CHAPTER. Misha loves Jensen. Jensen is … getting there. The Misha in this is fantastic, and Jensen though he takes his sweet ass time is wonderful too >_<

Reconciling Hollywood -  32,000 WORDS, Misha has always prided himself on his mastery of the first impression - both giving and receiving. After all, people are easy enough to read if examined through the appropriate lens. For the last two years he’s stuck to his guns and his assumption that Jensen is just a good guy who made a dick mistake back when he thought Misha was disposable. Pushed him up against a trailer door and took because he could. But now, with Jared overseas with his new bride, Jensen around more than ever, and a decision weighing heavy on his conscience, Misha realizes that truly knowing Jensen might be nearly as impossible as knowing himself. In my opinion the best Cockles fic that currently exists. The characters are so lovable and the romance build is genuine. Must read.

And the North Wind Blows - 32,000 WORDS. Jensen is a ranger in the US Forest Service, on loan to the Canadians with the dual mandate of protecting the Boreal forest and a US logging outfit. He likes his solitary life collecting data and spending time in the luscious green forest that looms around his little cabin, until the day he gets a phone call: an eco-terrorist is protecting a tree the logging company wants to cut down. The terrorist in question, a young activist named Misha who climbs and swings through the trees like Tarzan, is not what he expects. Charged with getting him down and locking him up, Jensen has his work cut out for him, especially when it appears something more sinister is going on. What follows is a whirlwind of forbidden romance, lust and danger that turns Jensen’s once-quiet life upside down. And the most worrying part is he doesn’t think he minds. Fucking spectacular AU. Ranger!Jensen is all kinds of yes!

Usefull Illusions - 6 CHAPTERS. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Wherein Jared innocently seeks to share his love of Blue Velvet and interesting things happen. Ok. This fic shifts from Jared, Jensen and Misha’s POV. The sex is hot, Jensen is a bit of a dick tbh, and there’s a Jared subplot that gets completely swept under the rug at the end (I feel the verse was abandoned unfinished?) BUT I’d still read it…for the sex haha.

Scotch Verse - 5 LONG CHAPTERS .  Jensen loves scotch, but every time he drinks it things happen. Misha encourages these particular things. As he’s wont to do. OK. basically this fic involves a lot of getting drunk on scotch and fucking. There is also a lot of relationship angst and FUCKLOADS of Jensen trust/intimacy issues. I still recommend a read though.

AND. That will do for now.

Here’s a link to the 2010 Dean/Cas bigbang masterlist with plenty of long ass fics there to read (I’m making my way through it one night duty at a time)

And my God am I gagging for the 2011 fics!