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#it has truly been a Journey
poorly-drawn-mdzs · 4 months
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At the start of this project all I wanted was to 'learn how to draw' using comics as a medium and the MDZS audio drama as inspiration.
I've come *very* far from making simple, 3 panel black and white comics, and I truly do intend to go even further. Thank you to everyone who cheered me on throughout 2023, it has been an incredible year in so many ways I never could have imagined. I look forwards to drawing throughout 2024 B*)
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queenofinys · 8 days
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"and then you look at it, and it looks... otherworldly. this is denis. he just creates this shape. it's not perfect. it's timeless. it reminds me of... do you remember arrival? you know those big alien creatures? that's the shape." — rebecca ferguson in an interview with hollywood insider
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aethersflood · 6 months
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-- "It's plain she cares for you very deeply." -- "And I her. Which is why I had to let her go."
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ongsasuns · 3 months
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BELOVEDS I GOT MY MASTERS DEGREE BE PROUD PLS
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carefulfears · 10 months
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do you have a headcanon of when mulder caught feelings for scully? i’m on the same page w you that scully has had it bad since day one, but i can never make up my mind about mulder
yeah i’ve always said that i think he was aware of the connection between them since her abduction, but i think specifically 3.
ascension is very frantic, it’s rooted in so much trauma and desperation. very few moments are about scully, as a person, really. it’s about getting there in time. it’s about rewriting history. it’s about failure, and standing alone in the end.
in 3, he is surrounded in her absence. her badge. her file, marked with her name. her necklace, which he slips around his own neck, carries with him.
dana scully was farrrrr gone from day one, humming against him in the rain and telling her friends how cute he is, but mulder is more single-minded.
he’s so very fond of her, in the beginning. he knocks on her door to invite her on his run, when he knows she’s just supposed to be discrediting him. he lowers himself beneath her every time he has bad news or a vulnerable conversation. he says “dana,” softly, and checks in on how she’s doing. he believes she’ll be head of the bureau someday.
so much of that is just who he is (trusting, passionate, kind), and she’s the only person who has ever valued that, taken him seriously.
but he’s also internalizing who she is, the consistency and the curiosity and the quiet intensity.
that moment in the rain, before she laughs, before she asks where they’re going and follows: he says “you think i’m crazy,” and turns away. it’s the first time in the series (and remains rare) where you can see that there is a weight to it all. he plays into being “spooky mulder,” but part of him is really disappointed to think that this new partner won’t believe him either.
she thinks about what he said, and she meets him on his level. she questions it, she combats it, she adds to it.
when they both burst out laughing, it’s in pure joy and excitement. it’s the moment that spurs the rest of their lives.
that means a lot to him, to be listened to. to be held to a standard, not just dismissed.
but mulder only knows how to conceptualize love in absence, in the search, so when he’s left listening to her scream: he knows. it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen, because it feels like his closest person disappearing, and that’s the experience he’s most familiar with and enmeshed in.
i believe there’s a script note in ascension that mentions that he’s doubting if he had failed his “closest friend.” it’s the loss being so great, so unbearable, that makes it unavoidable.
(thinking of him smiling at diana, telling her, “i’ve done alright without you.”)
i see a lot of people describe msr as a “fell first/fell harder” trope, but i think most things just hit mulder harder. it’s their natures.
but by the time he hangs her cross around his neck, by the time he abandons the truth to sit and hold her hand, he knows.
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mallowstep · 11 months
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i hope you’re doing okay. 💙 it’s ok if you don’t answer this, i just wanted you to know folks are still thinking about you and wanting good things for you.
thank you babe (and thank you to everyone else who sent a message to this effect; i will answer them when i can)
i'm doing pretty well right now. i've been very busy at work, working on a top secret classified project (god only knows when you'll get more details than what i've already shared ;3), and also just. recovering from depression. there is so much of my life that even months out from the worst of it, i'm still trying to pull the pieces back together.
i have been writing a little. it's been difficult, mostly because of numerous incidents regarding writing and mental health (if you've been here for a while, you probably know about them; if you're new, the tldr is "mallowstep went off the wall for a bit and he's fine but it left him feeling bad"), and now i face down the summer which is...rough, mentally.
i don't know what normal looks like for me right now. i want to write but i don't know how it will fit into my life. i'm still making space for myself, in all the chaos and reconstruction. i know writing will be a part of normal for me. i just don't know where it fits yet.
it's been a while since i've felt like myself. the hollow feeling is abating. i am finding words to describe emotion again, that are more than just there or missing. i have been thinking about the stories i have yet to work on. what i want to tell next.
it has been an incredible two years for me. when i started this blog, i had just been broken up with by my boyfriend of three years, only a month or so after my childhood cat and dog had died one day apart. i was coping with so much impossible grief: i wrote the second chapter of i'll come back to you someday soon myself after my grandmother died, and i did not write anything after that for quite a while.
my wrists are healing. they hurt a little today and i'm not sure why, but they are healing.
i'll be going back to university as a natural resources major. i want a job that lets me protect and cultivate the forests i find so much comfort in. the complex webs of their ecosystems bring me so much delight. did you know trees talk to their daughters? did you know they care for their children? protect them?
it has been an incredible two years. i met my now-partner, learned how to actually trust people, and failed out of a year of college due to collapsing mental health. i went through approximately one million assessments to get a diagnosis and understand what was happening to me. i had a doctor tell me i was being undermedicated to an astounding degree. i had to let go of my beloved plants because i couldn't keep myself alive, much less then. i found a job i love so much i am eager to go to work every morning.
i honestly don't think i would've recognized who i am now, back when i started out here. i have become someone who trusts. who has connections with people. who does not fear so much. (i have also become someone who cries as i drive home from work sometimes. i have also become someone who needs to sit on the floor and count all the pieces of art i can see. we move in spirals, not straight lines.)
all of this is to say, i have been quiet on here for quite a while because i have been recovering from two years (a lifetime) of some truly exhausting events, as well as letting myself find things i enjoy. when i got out of high school, i loved what i was doing academically. i had very little passion. it had been bled out of me.
i am incredibly grateful to each and every one of you. your support, even in my period of dormancy, has meant so much. my relationship with writing sometimes feels like i am fighting my double, trying to balance both my need to use writing to understand myself, and my tendencies to ruin myself in the process.
i still don't have any promises to make, because i really don't know what's next for me. but i am still here, and you all still mean something to me.
with all my love, mallow
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videogamelover99 · 2 years
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you are so galaxy brain, I'm enjoying scrolling through your skk takes so much. I love the depth with which you see them both as individuals and their dynamic. I feel it's something sorely lacking in this fandom (I'm in the process of rage-writing Too Many fics in a fit of "if I want it done right I GUESS I have to do it myself") but I feel like you just Get It 😌😌😌I'm trying to think of a question to ask now so I have an excuse to hear you be right about them some more.
mmm, I've been seeing a lot of fics lately that depict dazai acting on his mental illness and harming himself in some way, and chuuya coming along to ~ save him ~ and being all "don't do it again" "okay I won't!" and it's really grinding my gears, what are your thoughts? How do you think chuuya would actually feel/think/react to witnessing or being acutely aware of dazai indulging his mental illnesses in that way? I think it's a really interesting thing to look at through Chuuya's eyes and I think his responses to it would be very complex.
Lets talk about Fifteen for a second.
It's something I noticed recently, that I immediately had to tell @originalartblog about because it comepletely made me re-think skk's entire relationship as well as their deal with mental illness.
(tw: in-depth talk about suicidal ideation, suicide, depression, you know, the works)
I think the fandom collectively tends to think of Chuuya as the "more stable" one, someone who, while maybe not being compeltely healthy, is still healthy enough to "take care of" other people, to take care of Dazai, specifically. And I kind of fell into that idea too, that while a lot of Chuuya's issues are similar to Dazai's issues, he has enough sense of purpose and companionship from the people around him to not be as bad as Dazai. If Chuuya is portrayed as suicidal, it's in a sacrificial sort of way, you know, the classic "I don't care if I live as long as everybody else gets to" type thing we see in a lot of heroic characters.
But then I reread the final fight in Fifteen and was like wait.
Consider this sequence of events:
Rimbaud reveals his true colors and urges Dazai and Chuuya to give him, Chuuya refuses, and fights the entire time with his hands in his pockets.
Dazai asks for his five minutes of "convincing Chuuya to die", at which Chuuya says "You can't convince me of anything."
Dazai says he changed his mind about dying, and Chuuya demands to know why, at which point Dazai gives his whole "living close to death" speech. They agree to team up.
Immediately after their talk, and Dazai saying "Chuuya convinced me not to die", Chuuya takes his hands out of his pockets.
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5. A fight scene later, and Chuuya explains why he keeps his hands in his pockets the whole time, a mystery set up on par with the mystery of Arahabaki. Back in the arcade, Dazai asks why he's deliberately putting himself at risk: "It can't just be lazyness...You know someone stronger is gonna come around at some point, you can't afford to let your guard down in fights."
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6. Then they beat Rimbaud. And what last words does he have for Chuuya? A plead for Chuuya to live.
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I think Dazai's speech about finding a reason to live didn't just impact Dazai, but Chuuya, too. Chuuya convinced Dazai not to die yet, but the same goes the other way around, with Chuuya finally finding enough will to live to take his hands out of his pockets and finally protect himself properly. The hands in pockets thing (and by extension, the gloves) aren't a show of arrogance or boredom or even Chuuya's doubt of his own humanity - they are a show of how much Chuuya is willing to live at that moment, how much he wants to fight back to survive. And before Dazai urged him to beat Rimbaud? Chuuya was letting Rimbaud win.
By extension, the times when Chuuya uses Corruption are probably the times when he wants to live the most. Since Dazai is the only one alive who knows the reason for the gloves, it's a silent signal of "I trust you to keep me alive because I don't want to die yet".
My point is that passive suicidal ideation is *still* suicidal ideation. "If I don't fight back maybe at some point when I'm close to death I'll feel like I want to" is suicidal ideation. It comes back around in Stormbringer, when Chuuya questions why he should fight back against N when his own existence doesn't mean anything. Each one of his mistakes is treated as another reason he shouldn't exist. Chuuya was never okay and I don't understand why we keep pretending he was.
As for the specifics of the ask: Chuuya wouldn't "indulge" Dazai, because everything he hates about Dazai has to do with Dazai's depression and nihilism, because it is his own depression and nihilism. Honestly, if anything I see Chuuya's response to Dazai's mental illness being way more on the problematic side than people like to portray. He can't offer empathy, because he'll have to put himself in Dazai's shoes and that is actually mentally dangerous for him, because it's a mentality he's desperately fighting against in himself. Of course he lashes out. Of course he's angry. He's tried reaching out to Dazai (again, that phone call scene in SB), and Dazai doesn't want that, anyway, so why should he try?
That doesn't mean he's totally apathetic or cruel. Chuuya's acts of care have always been more on the physical side of things. We have Beast, where Chuuya is adamant about protecting Dazai's life both from others and from his own reckless behavior, but they never talk, and that's why the line "Dazai committed suicide without telling him anything" is so brutal. Chuuya honestly wanted Dazai to come to him and say something, but Dazai never did because they both have so many walls up a genuine conversaion seems impossible.
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defness · 3 months
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→ drawing the same pose over and over again and feels cringe
→ realizes that these drawings are simply pre-ref drawings to figure out one's design so I can Draw Them
→ no longer feels cringe
#jic ur wondering why all of them are drawn w that same arms out legs semi open pose#do i obsessively worry about this to an unhealthy degree? yeah#do people not verbally tell me that seeing me draw the same pose over and over again is Boring or Lame or stupid or smth? yes but i get#like. stupidly anxious and start thinking about things like that which i obviously know probably isn't the case and that in actuality#no one cares about how i draw more than i do#but it's still difficult not to ruminate on thoughts of people subconsciously rolling their eyes at my art because its so plain and boring#and static and stiff and it doesnt feel lively and dynamic like the artists i aspire to be like#but then i also remember im only just starting my art journey. by this year I'll only have been drawing for 4 years. 4 YEARS.#which seems like alot honestly? especially w the progress I've made#but most; if not everyone who isn't me have spent 7+ YEARS of drawing and i remind myself that. oh#yeah! im on the same path they were#maybe they had the same issues i did#but ill get through it :) i want to experiment more this year w my art#i say that but i need to COMMIT#i need to commit. to actually put in effort to learn posing and perspective instead of trying to lazily scrawl color on a digital canvas#but it all seems so daunting#but; you know; in time it'll come. seeing the difference only a few months has done to my art is also truly refreshing#it lets me know that im still learning and improving my technique and that really helps iron out any anxieties i have.#sorry this got super rambly super quickly lol
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cloud-somersault · 7 months
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i was working on chapter 5 and almost started crying????
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itspileofgoodthings · 9 months
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in the most concrete way yet I feel like I’m getting a handle on what my flaws and weaknesses actually are lol.
#self-absorption poor impulse control an addictive personality#fiercely independent/sensitive/proud past the point of reason#anyway it feels like a real breakthrough honestly#because I’ve always known that there was stuff wrong but only in a dim sense#and this is a slow-gathering clearer picture#because the problem is that flaws don’t feel like flaws at first (so obvious I know)#my impulse can feel like inspiration! a wave of emotion always feels good! I have a rich internal life there’s a lot to think about#with regards to myself#but actually those all can be such negative and hurtful traits.#also it kills my pride to know that the people who love me already know these Lol#because they’re the ones who have to live with them!! And who are affected by them!#anyway the self-absorption one especially. I feel like there’s been so much to work through and figure out this past year#that made me turn inward more#and some of it was necessary#but I’m so aware of how much I want to get out of that space. and truly be open to other people and experiences and the world#in a way that is not just filtered through my internal journey#anyway anyway (a final thought) the pattern of my 20’s has been either self-absorption or complete absorption into the one or two things#that I/my anxiety allowed into the space of my heart and mind#as a kind of counter to the teenage state which was just information pouring in from all sides#but I would like to be able to reopen some of those informational floodgates so to speak. and let stuff in in a real and balanced way#because I don’t think I’m going to drown or be swept away in it (I am so scared of losing my identity in a sea of information)#one of my root fears! but it’s like. No. Bones not made of glass etc. etc. so you can start to think about yourself less#you SHOULD#anyway thank you for listening. there have been some very good (self) revelations lately <3#painful ones! but good
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impossible-rat-babies · 5 months
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not to be obsessed with imagery and themes of the divine but myths of the realm is a banger
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flowered-mp3 · 9 months
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#hi guys... i know that i havent been the most active lately... mostly because work is hectic right now and all my free time is spent with#family friends and my bf#to be honest i don't know if i'll return to writing... I've slowly been losing motivation but it really is a shame#i've loved my time here and i don't know where my journey will go next#but i will keep my blog up for now and reblog stuff occasionally.#honestly it seems that since full time work and bf got combined I've had less and less time! its just a part of life#and i'm incredibly grateful for those who gave me advice durinf my online dating era... it all led up to my life right now and i couldn’t#be happier. sure our relationship isn't perfect and he isn’t but i truly feel that he's perfect for me. i'm the happiest that i've even been#and i'm thankful for u all that commented on my shitposts and talked me through it all. it got me through and even my bf thanks u all for#getting me through it as well :)#idk why i feel so sappy right now but i'm just feeling grateful.#and happy hehe. my bf met one of my oldest friends from my hometown and he just. idk. after we drove back he told me that he realized that#he's v protective of me when he's walking dt with me lol (it's filled with very strange people that yell) and i could tell lowkey because#his hand would squeeze mine and he would pull me toward him or beside or infront when we talked past sus people#and idk he was looking at me a certain way and i was like stop looking at me (he was gonna make me blush lol) but he just said 'why am i not#allowed to look at my future wife' !#and u guys i wanted to SCREAM like... wow my bf lowkey has rizz tf lol#idk i'm happy 😊 thats the life update see u guys sometimes :)#e.txt
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mik-arts · 8 months
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after a long fight to rescue her from a dangerous figure from her past, Noore chose to leave the party for her own protection - leaving behind only a note and a devastated Flora
#dungeons and dragons#dnd#dnd pc#flora#flora dunnan#ttrpg#my art#a moment of hesitancy before following the rest of her companions back into the feywild#as of me drawing this I still haven't figured out how flora's gonna process the loss#of the first person she thought truly cared about her for who she was inside and not her position#especially immediately after learning that she looks so much like Noore's sister#so it wasn't even actually who she was on the inside that drew noore to her#it was because she so strongly reminded her of someone else entirely#my kiddo has a lot of processing to do#and so do I tbh#idk I've been thinking a lot about how I tend to explore different aspects of myself in my dnd characters#and while Brina has very much been me trying to accept being unapologetically myself#and like unmasking my adhd#flora has been a journey of love? and like. what it means to give love and how to learn to receive it from the people around her#and also to some degree the difference between being used and being loved#specifically through the lens of her caregivers in that regard for backstory stuffs#tbh this doesn't stop at dnd characters bc I did it with Cora too without thinking#with her it was a big exploration of like... no longer bottling up emotions and learning how to wield them like a blade#just like... a lot of learning to cope with responsibility and how to not lose oneself through that#and also - in regards to her romancing bull - a lot of just. deciding to no longer care about what other people think of decisions#and like all of these are still things that I need to continue working on in myself#but it's interesting to think of how it's like... less daunting to explore big things like that through a character first#idk#I havent purposely sought to do this with any of them it's just kind of a pattern I've noticed esp when I particularly connect with an oc#anyways
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gonzocoded · 7 months
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spectacular
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shackle-foes · 1 year
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ITS TIME FOR AGNEA’S FINAL CHAPTER
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dramaphan · 2 years
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Did you watch Dan's video? The shipbait at the end feels beneath him. I guess all his pretentious quality standards go out the window when he needs to promote something.
I wasn’t going to watch it but I might skip ahead just to see this shipbait because oh my god is he still doing that
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