#it felt like a small act of rebellion and it felt fucking awesome

[formerly-evil]

Yall... this is actually just a random blow of my emotions but uhhh... painting is so cool

Like i have never been good at drawing or painting or almost anything creative

I could follow the instructions but aesthetically it never was what i wanted it to be

But today i was super bored in my on-line classes and i thought that hey, i should finish this bookmark

And then i realized, i could do it with paint! And i did! And it felt great!

But i had some paint left and i thought, why not make something else too?

And i painted a small picture that is a bit weird and not perfect but it is so pretty and i am so proud of myself

And it felt so good to be able to do just something without any direction

I now understand why people do it

Because i am going to run from this high the whole day

#art #rant #idk why i wrote it #it just feels good yknow #to be able to do something just for yourself #pls if you ever had the urge to do something spontaneous just do it #few days ago i have sat on the kitchen counter #just because i realized i want to #i have never done it before #it felt like a small act of rebellion and it felt fucking awesome #god this is a good feeling

[popculturebuffet]

Star Vs Tom Luictor Retrospective Detour: Skooled!

                                         Dedicated to Jessica Walter                                                     1941- 2021

Welcome back all you still mourning people to Prince of Wishful Thinking, my Tom Lucitor Retrospective... or at least a detour from it as I need to cover the Meteora arc to cover Divide/Conquer properly. When we last left off with Star she and Tom were going closer, but both are taking a break this time. We’ll get back to them in April... oh will we get back to them in april.  For now we’re back to Meteora who I forgot was ABSENT for a while. not forever, but while her parantege, the cover up related to her and all of that has been vitally important, Meteora herself vanished after Monster Party and hasn’t been seen till now. But i’ts a good storytelling engine.. it ratchets up tension for her inevitable return, and gives us time to find out what happened with her and let that sink in.. granted i’td also be the last time it sunk in but I can dunk on the series decline later... I still have season 4 episodes to cover after all. So join me under the cut as we get the welcomed Return of Henious, an unexpected hero.. and Ponyhead because this series clearly hasn’t hurt me enough. And as usual for my Star Vs Reviews, i’d like to thank one of my Best Friends @jess-the-vampire for her insight on this episode. It’s always welcome and she always manages to find something I didn’t think of . 

So we open at Saint O’s with Ponyhead returning to the school, having previously run it post rebellion before leaving because.. I don’t know. She probably got tired of being a leader, and out of universe they needed her to be around star more. Look the series has far more important things it never explained and never will, not explaining why a recklessly irresponsible asshole left a position of authority and responsibility I can let slide. 

She’s come for brunch but things have changed... the school is still a warm, free environment for princesses to better themselves and party hardy, no longer an oppressive brainwashing gulag run by someone who as it turned out was horribly brainwashed herself.. it’s just now it actually has rules and structure. 

It now also has an actual leader, Princess Patty Arms who showed up in the school’s previous appearance this season here and.. that’s it. I think she showed up in the background of the original st o’s episode. And it’s a shame because she’s a really fascinating character. No really she’s calm, dosen’t take Pony’s shit, and while a brunch exam SEEMS like a waste of time... it really isn’t. A good meal can loosen up a dignitary and some rulers have sticks up their keisters about things like this, so being able to do it just right can win them over. It’s still a touch ridiculous but given the world of star is a touch ridiculous to start with, it works. 

Pony naturally leaves in a rage over this especially when no one backs her up.. but soon the School has bigger issues and we get to why we’re actually here: Meteora is back. And while she has changed, now having grown larger and stronger, easily scaling the wall, she still wants payback and we get a damn fine battle sequence as the princesses all unite against their former tormentor. It’s also sad in hindsight.. because as Jess pointed out to me almost NONE of these characters show up again. And I only added the almost because Penelope is in there. They all seem interesting, the setting of ST O’s itself is interesting, and the idea of a school for princesses of various types is a cool idea. I’ts something the show could’ve come back to to see how they bounce back from this attack.. but like most cool background elements in the show they forget about it. It was intresting to see the schools slow evolution from horrible nightmare to princess ran utopia and like many things coming up it feels like a lost opportunity. 

That being said the fight is awesome, with Meteora proving to be a juggernaut in strength and outplanning her enimies, having brought an overide switch for the robots (Patty reprogrammed them to work for the school) and having them throw their hearts/ power sources as bombs. It’s a damn fine sequence as she finds way after way to keep going, with a now restored rasticore helping them simply portal in.

Pony meanwhile.. is hiding , as Patty find sout when she finds her, and Pony assumes this is about her... though for once i’ts not JUST ego.. but because she was one of the two who started the uprising at the school in the first place and THE person who tossed her out. We also get a nice character moment as while Pony tells patti she still hates her.. she puts the princess behind her when Meteora approaches. She may be a selfish twit whose massively unlikeable.. but she has a good heart.. and not just the one she keeps in a jar she got from one of her boyfriends. 

But Meteora has more important buisness and finds her way to the depths of St. O’s.. where we meet the Schools namesake and her adopted mother a robot played by tress macneile.. another thing the series never bothered to care about as where did these robots come from and why? 

Turns out Meteora came to find out her own personal history, with the remote from before used to find the real dirt.. and what we find .. is heartbreaking as we slowly journey back through Meteora’s childhoods as Henious.. and it’s fucking heart breaking with Tress voicing her younger versions, hence why I didn’t use this as the jessica tribute as while walter’s good in the episode, she isn’t given much. 

We see her as a teen, forced to hide her tail and insulted over it by her mother.. and it only gets worse as when her cheeks glow as a kid St. O tries to wash them off and we get the poor child desperately begging that “she can be better”

We do finally get the answers Meteora saught as we see Shastacan dropping off the baby meteora, calling her “Henious”.. which St. O took as her name. Proving the spiderbites minus penelope’s dickishness is indeed genetic and why I have no sympathy for the prick getting eaten later... and hopefully globgor will do an encor with penepople’s parents. Here’s hoping. 

So Meteora now knows she’s the rightful queen, and decides to go take it back.. though Pony does try to stand up for her friends... and while we don’t see it hte next episode confirms she got her horn ripped the fuck off. And this horribly traumatic injury.. is magically fixed via 3d printing next time we see her after an episode grappling iwth it instead of having pony deal with not having a horn, or her prostetic not giving her magic powers again. Because this show again really likes to leave good ideas out to rot in the sun like that  package of hamburger I left out in the sun yesterday. And I actually had a reason there: I need a lot of Racoons for an elaborate scheme involving a map to tex cruz’s house, a used apache helicopter and a bulk order of tiny parachutes. 

We do get some payoff to things though, as Henious comes on to rasticore who not so politely rejects her for being nuts.. before it’s revealed Gemini, her loyal servant is also a robot and she uses his heart to blow up rasticore and take the arm with her... which is ALSO never brought up again. Seriously this episode is so full of loose ends i’m suprised it just dosen’t end with Zuko asking his dad about his mother. Gemini’s death is genuinely tragic as his last words are “If you wanted my heart.. all you had to do.. was assssskkkkk”. God damn. So with that Meteora heads out to reclaim her birthright.. no matter the cost. 

Final Thoughts on Skooled!: This one is decent.. but like the last episode I covered, the lack of payoff off for almost anything here, excluding the Meteora plotline and the Pony thing which instead got a BAD payoff, is really starting to rear it’s ugly head as the series greatest weakness. Yes bigger than the romance plot. And given that romance plot after this season can be best discribed as...

The show just.. forgets a good chunk of things happened to keeep things chugging along. It sets UP plots, what happens to st o’s from here, buff frog and a small caravan of monsters leaving forever, the message from shastacan, who built the st o’s robots, and on and on.. but it never PAYS them off. It dosen’t care to. It just does things so the plot can move but never bothers to think about the fucking consequences. It just gets more and more irrtating to think about as other shows throughly DO: Amphibia has the fact the characters get into shenanigans become a commented on running gag and something they grow past, and everything that happens matters. Every episode of Owl House builds on the foundation of the previous episodes. OK Ko dosen’t forget one episode had the characters not be able to turn back into humans and implies their wearing human costumes for the rest of the series. Which is fucking weird, but it was their memory. My point is other shows around the same time or right after didn’t magically forget things happened for convience sake. While it’s OKAY to loose some things in the shuffle, it happens to the best of us, it’s not okay to do it SO fucking often and with no clear care for the audiences desire for payoff. The show just ignores what plot points, like the huge cliffhanger of Star telling marco how she felt at the end of season 2, it dosen’t care about till it needs them and ignores the ones it never does. You can’t just.. bring shit up like it’s important and then try and forget it ever happened. People remember stuff, we are NOT stupid. KIDS are not stupid. When I was younger I REMEMBERED things that happened on KND, Danny Phantom, Xiaolin Showdown, TMNT 2003, because those shows, which are from decades ago, knew I would and trusted even if I missed something and was thrown off i’d tune in for the quality. 

And in an age of streaming and more story based tv you can’t just.. ask kids to act like something they saw didn’t happen because your fucking lazy and frankly YOU never should have. Kids deserve better, my niblings deserve better and frankly the adults your clearly also writing for.. deserve better. This episode is eh, but the problems it represents are so fucking worse. 

Next time on tom. If you thought I got angry towards the end of this one, just you wait. Next time i’ts Booth Buddies. Yeah.. yeah that one. Stay tuned.

#star vs the forces of evil #skooled #lilica ponyhead #meteora butterfly #gemini #rasticore #patty arms #rat princess #penelope spiderbite #saint olga #saint olgas #disney xd #disney plus #disney channel

[omnivorousshipper]

Request Friday: Omni!!!!! I have the best plot bunny for you to raise. What if Shaw was in a bad situation on a mission, he’s been run ragged lately, mission after mission and finally finds himself in a hopeless (even for him to escape) spot— but suddenly Brixton Lore pops up and saves the day.

Brixton, who after he escaped Eteon’s control went AWOL and they haven’t been able to find a trace of since, even with the combined tracking abilities of Hobbs and Shaw.

Only now it turns out that Lore has been shadowing Deckard, taking out baddies on his missions and saving his life and protecting his six just like when they were partners.

Now that he’s been forced to reveal himself to them, Deckard is determined to get to the bottom of it. How could he possibly trust Brixton again... but with a new big bad after him, can he really afford NOT to trust him?

With how twisted up Brixton was about Deckard in H&S, now that he’s free of Eteon’s brainwashing/control, his only mission is figuring out how he can convince his former partner that he wants back what they had before. Whatever it takes, he’s going to make it happen!

Omg, this such an awesome request friend!! I absolutely love this!!

Deckard would be an idiot and run himself into the ground! And Brixton, oh man, he would be so lost in Deckard, but not know how to reconnect with him. Especially having tried to kill him several times

Also, you brought this upon yourself friend...

~~~

Panting, Deckard clawed at the dirty, concrete floor. Using the last of his strength, he pulled himself towards the wall, forced to drag his body behind him

Finally, his hand met the wall and with great difficulty, Deckard was able to pull his body up into a sitting position. As he did so, a low whimper escaped his lips

Everything hurt

He could feel the large knife wound in his thigh throbbing and slowly gushing out blood. On top of that, he knew his ankle was twisted horribly

He wouldn't be walking anywhere any time soon

Grunting softly, Deckard wrapped his right arm around his ribs and let his other arm hang awkwardly. He didn't have enough strength left to shove his shoulder back into place

Blinking blood out of his eyes, Deckard could feel his body shutting down

His vision was filled with black spots. Whether that was because he had lost too much blood, or had gone without sleep for 40 hours, he didn't know

All Deckard knew was that he was trapped

And didn't know who had ordered his capture

None of the goons who had taken him were any Cipher would hire, and the hideout was nothing like any Eteon base he had found

No, there was a new player out there trying to get to him

Had gotten him, actually

Screwing his eyes closed, Deckard willed the pain to recede and allow him to sleep

Even if he shouldn't. He had no idea if he'd ever wake again

But he was just so tired

Ever since MI6 had invited him back, he had taken every mission he could get his hands on. He wanted to prove himself. Wanted MI6 to know that he wouldn't betray them

Never again

At the beginning, he would be given a mission every other week, but as he kept finishing them in record time and successfully, they gave him more. It started to be every week, and then he would be given a new mission as soon as he finished his first

Deckard didn't question it

He only wanted to be useful

Leaning even more on the wall, Deckard let his head rest against the cool cement. A few minutes of sleep wouldn't hurt

He had no idea how long he was asleep, only that a large banging noise had him jerking awake

Swiveling his head around, Deckard immediately regretted that action. His head felt like it was full of cotton and a thousand construction workers using jackhammers

Shifting his body, pain raced through every nerve ending and made him whine

He already missed the sweet embrace of sleep

Squinting, Deckard saw that the door to the cell he had been shoved into was wide open. And a dark figure was standing inside the doorway

"Who...?" Deckard tried to call out, but his voice was only a wheeze of air

"You're going to be ok now, Deck." A smooth voice whispered and it seemed to bounce off the walls

Something about the voice had Deckard's body relaxing. It was as if hearing the voice let Deckard know he was safe

Blinking his eyes rapidly, Deckard could feel them falling shut

Struggling to stay awake, he watched the figure come closer and crouch down in front of him. The low light made it difficult for Deckard to see the person, but he would know him anywhere

"Brix." Deckard gasped as he felt the icey grip of unconsciousness take a hold of him

The last thing be could remember was Brixton's arms wrapping around him

---

The next time Deckard woke up, the pain seemed dulled compared to how it was

He could feel soft material under him, along with a firm mattress and several blankets piled on top of him

Just like he liked it

Opening his eyes slowly, Deckard was on his side facing a plain wall. In front of him were his hands bound by the wrist by heavy manacles

Peering closely at then, Deckard knew he wouldn't be able to unlock them with ease. They looked like they required a passcode to unlock

But Deckard couldn't have cared less in that moment

He was simply too tired

After a few more minutes of laying in the comfort bed, Deckard eventually levered himself up. Luckily his hands weren't tied to anything. Sitting up, Deckard was met with an equally plain room

Only the bed, bedside table, and lamp resided in the room

Looking out the single window, Deckard could see undescript fields. No other land marks to help him identify where he was

Still staring out the window, Deckard stiffened when the door creaked open

Muscles coiled and ready to pounce, Deckard waited for the person to enter the room

And was greeted by Brixton Lore

"You're awake." He said simply

Deckard didn't say anything

Brixton kept his face void of all emotion as he stepped further into the room. Deckard felt his hackles rise when the door closed with a click

They were locked in

"Where are we?" Deckard demanded, not keeping his hands off Brixton. The other man was carrying a tray that had a glass of water and a bowl on top of it

"Somewhere safe."

Deckard glared

"Why aren't we at some Eteon base?"

"Because I don't work with them anymore." Brixton said, voice clipped and as cold as a glacier

Deckard narrowed his eyes at that

Before he could open his mouth to ask another question, Brixton sat down on the bed next to him. Snapping his mouth closed, Deckard tried to scoot away, but there was no where to go

He was stuck between Brixton and the wall

Clenching his fists, Deckard raised his chin and stared Brixton down. Who, in turn, simply stared back with no emotion

"Here."

Suddenly, the tray was being shoved onto his lap and Deckard was forced to steady it with his bound hands. Looking down, he saw that the bowl was filled with plain porridge

In that instant, Deckard realized just how hungry he was

But immediately knew he wouldn't be able to eat without embarrassing himself. Not with his hands bound. Glaring up at Brixton, Deckard raised his hands to show his conundrum

"No way in hell." Brixton shook his head and Deckard swore he saw a spark of mischief in deep in eyes. "Even with how busted up and weak you are, I know how much damage you can do with your hands."

Deckard glared even harder

"Wanker."

"Maybe." Brixton shrugged

Deckard was half tempted to shove the whole tray away from him in an act of rebellion, but he was starving. Instead, he carefully picked up the glass and took small sips

He didn't need to make himself sick after all

Putting down the class, he sneered at the way Brixton was staring so intensely at him

"Got a fucking problem?" Deckard snapped

"I don't remember you ever being this stupid." Brixton said, meeting his eyes

Deckard was sure he looked like a puffed up cat as he snarled at Brixton

"I'm not the one who got caught up in a bloody cult!"

Brixton's face didn't change at all

"No, but you're the dumbass who's running himself into the ground with suicide missions." He said bluntly

"I am not!"

"Then why did I find your arse half dead in the middle of nowhere?"

"How the bloody hell did you find me?" Deckard growled. "How did you know where I was?"

Brixton's neutral mask finally cracked as a flicker of guilt flashed across his face

"How'd you find me, Brixton?" Deckard asked again, voice no longer filled with anger, but with curiosity and a bit if caution

After a few long moments of silence, Brixton sighed

"Because I was following you."

Deckard's blood ran cold

"How long?"

"A few weeks now."

Weeks

Deckard had been followed for weeks and he never once noticed

"Why?" He asked instead, ignoring the way fear clawed at his belly. Who else could have been following him?

Brixton looked away from him

"Why!" Deckard shouted

His shout seemed to be swallowed up by the tension in the room and made everything eerily quiet

"Brix..."

Brixton still wouldn't meet his eyes

"I had to be near you, Deck." He finally said, voice barely above a whisper

"By stalking me?" He hissed

"Would you have let me near you otherwise?" Brixton snapped, finally showing emotion

Deckard's lips thinned

"No."

Brixton nodded

"I wanted to make sure you were alright, especially when you started taking more and more mission like an imbecile."

Deckard bared his teeth at him

"I was doing my job!"

"You were trying to get yourself killed!"

"Why do you care what I do?"

"Because I still love you!" Brixton shouted over him

Deckard felt his heart stop

"What?"

Brixton stood swiftly and started to pace in front of him

"You heard me! After all these bloody years, I'm still in love with you!" Brixton exclaimed and waved his arms in emphasis. "Even after we tried to kill each other, I still want to see you and make sure you stay alive."

"You didn't seem like that when you were working for Eteon." Deckard said lowly

"Because that wasn't me!" Brixton yelled

"What the bloody hell does that mean?" Deckard narrowed his eyes as the fight seemed to leave Brixton and left the man standing in the middle of the room

His shoulders were stiff as his hands hung limp at his sides. It seemed as if he had aged ten years with that question. With sad eyes, he met Deckard's eyes

"They got in my head, Deck. It wasn't really me thinking, acting, or existing. It was them. I could only watch as my body did what they wanted."

Deckard stared at Brixton with wide eyes

He couldn't believe what he had just heard

He wanted to ask a million questions, but they all seemed stuck on the tip of his tongue. He didn't know where to even start. Still staring, Deckard could only watch as Brixton slowly walked back to the bed and sat down heavily

"I know you don't believe me, but I want to make it up to you, Deck." Brixton looked at him pleadingly. "I want to make up for all the time we've missed out on."

Deckard still couldn't find a way to respond. Opening his mouth, mind running at a mile a minute, he was suddenly interrupted

By his stomach growling

Blushing, Deckard looked away at the amused look on Brixton's face

"Here, let's get some food in you. It's not as good as anything you can make, but it'll be filling."

Deckard watched as Brixton picked up the bowl and spoon, and narrowed his eyes dangerously

"You are not bloody feeding me."

Brixton smirked

"I'm not unlocking the cuffs."

"Go to hell."

"If you want me to leave..." Brixton made to stand, taking the bowl with him

"Wait!" Grinding his teeth, Deckard nodded. "Fine."

Brixton's smirk grew as he scooped up a spoonful and brought it to Deckard's lips

Glaring, Deckard accepted it

~~~

I hope you enjoyed friend!

#deckard shaw #brixton lore #brickard #hobbs and shaw #asks #omni answers #omni writes #omni’s rambling

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Abraham Denner, In Prison

The first half of this is a shameless nod to @shameless-whumper‘s awesome YouTube Whumper pieces, and also it’s for those Anons who wondered about birthdays in the cabin!

Tagging: @finder-of-rings, @bleeding-demon-teeth, @spiffythespook, @special-spicy-chicken, @whumpywhumper

CW: Implied/referenced dubcon/noncon, some dehumanization

“This is great, you did really well on this.”

The man in the video smiles, a little tremulously, and hunches his shoulders over himself. His thin t-shirt has a hole worn in at the stomach, and the video drifts there for a moment, focusing on the patch of pale skin that shows, just to the side of his navel. Wavy red hair is shaggy and overgrown, badly in need of a haircut, hanging over his eyes and curling against the nape of his neck. 

The young man’s hands shake, a little, with a kind of impatient worry. There’s a little matchbox gripped hard in his scarred, roughened fingers. “Th-thank you, I worked, I worked really hard on it. I think it looks good, do you… do you think it looks good, Abraham? Did I do good?” 

“You did, puppy. You did so, so well.” The voice of the person holding the cameras is nearly purring, and the young man brightens a little at the tone, at the same time that his face reddens and his eyes slide away in a kind of shame. “Now he’s coming back this way, light the candles.”

Those scarred hands flip the matchbox open and pull a match out. COME SEE THE KING is written on one side of the box in gold letters that glinted, metallic, in the light coming in through the kitchen window. The other side just has a crown with four numbers on the inside and a gold silhouette of a dog underneath. 

The young man leans over, striking a match, lighting the first few candles before it burns down all the way to his first two fingers and, once the flame made it through the damaged top layer of skin, the tall redheaded man hissed and dropped the match onto the table. 

“Keep going, he’ll be back in soon. Don’t fuck this up, Red, if you do you’ll regret it.”

Wide, vibrant blue eyes glance over to the camera. The red scars around the nose and jaw are still bleeding a little, back to being open wounds after a short-lived refusal to try something new a few weeks ago.

All that refusal, that rebellion and defiance, is gone now, replaced by a nervous, eager-to-please little smile that comes and goes, that never stays. Defiance replaced by shaking hands that hurry to obey.

“Just five left, if you burn yourself this time it’s your own damn fault, isn’t it?”

The young man nods quickly, striking another match, lighting the last few candles. When he’s done, he steps back, to give Abraham a better shot with the camera.

It’s a perfectly circular birthday cake spread with white icing along the top and sides, with little books drawn on with darker brown and green icing along the sides and one big book drawn on the top. Inside the book, like the title, is written out in the same dark green icing NATE VANDRUM TURNS and then the candles spell out the number 32 in perfect lines of flickering flames. 

“Okay, okay, Red, here he is. Let’s get in position.” The redhead moves closer, in a kind of roundabout way, like he has to force himself to do it. Outside the kitchen window, the visible trees are a riot of reds and oranges and yellows. An arm slides around the redheaded man’s waist, holding him tightly, pulling him against the man holding the camera.

The camera catches, in retrospect, what the man missed the visual of in the moment and felt only an echo deep within his bones - the way an expression of pure and perfect unhappiness, misery with a hint of anger underneath, passed across the younger man’s face.

The lights in the kitchen turn off, shrouding the two of them in a semi-dim light provided by the kitchen window above the sink and the flickering candles on the cake.

Next to the cake are three large boxes with wrapping paper. 

“Oh, wait, I forgot,” The man holding the camera says, as he pans over the presents. There’s a rustling sound, and then the camera moves quickly to the redhead. A thin, long-fingered, finely-boned hand appears and puts a white bow with sticky tape on the bottom on the top of the younger man’s head, just off to the side at a jaunty angle, sticking only through what seems like sheer willpower to his red hair.

“There,” Abraham Denner’s voice says warmly. “Four presents. Perfect.”

The redhead seems to hunch a little further into himself, but he nods, turning back to the door. “H-he’s almost here, Abraham, should we, do we-”

“When he comes in, little Red, yell ‘surprise’.”

There’s a pause, the sound of the door rattling slowly open. The phone’s camera swings back to the inside door, where you can see the storm door open on the other side, a figure blurred through the small cutout in the inside door.

Nate Vandrum steps back inside, a large smoked ham wrapped in brown paper under one arm, and he looks up just as the lights turn on and the man holding the camera and the redhead say, “Surprise! Happy birthday!” in unison.

Nate’s green eyes go to the camera, first, and flicker a hint of a smile, then warm to something more genuine when they see the redhead with the white bow on top of his head. “I-is is that d-day already?” Nate asks, stepping forward to set the ham down on the table, looking down at his cake.

“I did the cake,” the young man says, a little excitedly. Then he glances sidelong at the man holding the camera and hurries to add, “It, it wasn’t my idea, I just made it. Abraham came up with the book thing.”

“It’s w-w-wonderful, thank y-you,” Nate says in a low, warm voice, looking between the two of them and smiling. “I l-like the candles.”

“Thirty-two candles is a lot to put on a cake,” The young man says with a hint of a smile still playing around his lips. “So, so we just made the candles say the number, instead. Happy birthday, Nate.”

You can’t watch the video and not know, right away, that he is absolutely in love with the green-eyed man.

You can just as clearly see that the green-eyed man feels the same way.

“Wh-what’s with the, the b-b-… the b-… that on your head?” Nate gestures at the top of his own head, leaning down to blow out the candles. 

“Oh.” The light in the young man’s face falls, a little. The cell phone’s camera is top of the line - the phone had cost nearly a thousand dollars when he bought it, brand new - and the man holding the camera perfectly captures the flush of red creeping up the young man’s neck and face. “That’s, um. That’s-”

“Present number one,” The man holding the camera says smoothly. “He’ll do anything you want.”

The smile on Nate Vandrum’s face vanishes, and his eyes widen. “Bram, n-no.”

“No isn’t one of the options on the table for you this time. Be grateful for your present.” There’s  a drop in the voice, a chill that’s nearly visible in the room, as both of the other men look away from the man holding the camera, and instead look at each other. “Be grateful or I’ll handle it myself.”

Nate looks back over, and his smile is back on, although it’s clearly forced and insincere. “Th-thank you, Bram.”

“Good. What do you say, Red?”

The redhead’s face turns even redder.

“Are you forgetting the rules, puppy?”

Blue eyes jerk up to meet the gaze of the camera, and the young man shakes his head quickly, putting his hands up in a gesture of supplication, surrender. “No! No, I’m not. I r-remember, Abraham. I’m sorry. I’ll, I can do better. Um, I just-… Thank you, Abraham, for giving me to-”

Bram turns the video off with a sigh.

There’s more to it, of course, but he’s just not really feeling it tonight. This is the fifth video he’s tried to watch, and all of them just make him miss his poor little puppy even more. Out there in a world he’s not made for, having to fumble around being disobedient.

Red needed a firm hand, a sharp blade, not all this nonsense about freedom. He must be terrified out there, trying to exist without the voice in his head, the hands on his skin. Bram missed his puppy so much, and once he walked out of here, he’d make sure Red was right back to being fixed. 

Lying back on the thin mattress of his prison bunk, staring up at the ceiling of the little cell he’s been living in since they put him away, Bram feels… restless. 

Prison would normally be just fine, for a while - after all, nowhere’s more miserable than a place where people go to waste away until time is up, one way or another. It’s not even Bram’s first visit to prison, although they’ve changed a lot from his last stay, while a fever ate the city he was living in at the time and Ashley took care of a few more, besides.

Solitary confinement, though… well. He’s had to work a little harder at that. It’s not impossible, but it’s not very enjoyable, either. 

It gives him a lot of time to think, the hours he spends on his back on this thin little mattress, looking up or scrolling his phone. A lot of time to consider where it all went sideways, the mistakes he made, how it had come to this.

Of course, he hadn’t done anything wrong. Only acted according to his nature, and who on Earth would blame him if they truly understood? 

“How did I miss it?” He asks out loud. He asks that question a lot right now, but the ceiling and the cell around him never answer. He never saw, in the moment, the way that Nate had shifted his affections, had started looking at little Red in different ways. He had seen the desire, of course - only to be expected when the puppy is so perfect. He had seen the affection. But he had somehow missed out on the idea that Nate had been getting stronger because of how he felt about the puppy. 

He’d started to resist, in ways he never had before. He’d been closer to ready, and if Bram had seen it in time, he could have had his black-haired prince dedicated and then none of this would have happened. Once it was all he had left, Nate would have come around.

Instead, he’d missed it, and here he is, sitting in solitary sometime after dinner, looking at the ceiling and watching videos of his little family on the cell phone his newest favorite guard got him. They keep switching out his guards, but it doesn’t matter. The new ones like him, too.

His prison-issued therapist likes him.

The warden likes him.

Everyone likes him, it’s just a matter of time. 

Bram is back on his phone, this time playing a little game where you match up lines of gems, thinking about the card games and little hand-carved chess set he’d made for Nate and Red back in the woods, when something inside of him shifts.

He pauses, the little gems racing past eyes that no longer see them, and slowly Bram puts down the phone. There is an emptiness inside of him that is suddenly filled - a darkness pulled back to show a blazing white light. There is a voice in his heart that murmurs, You are not done, child. Go home and feed.

Bram takes in a deep breath, and feels Ashley’s lungs expand at exactly the same moment, her dead heart thunder ponderously and with many skipped beats back to life.

His sister is alive. Ashley is awake, she’s here, she’s home. 

And Bram is stuck in a fucking prison cell nearly 2,000 miles away.

But not for long.

“Guard?” Bram calls it out innocently enough, in case one of the new ones is nearby. If they answer, they’re harder to manage, but if it’s one of his usuals…

Bram’s smile widens when a head full of black hair and a hint of stubble around the chin shows in the little window in his cell door. “What do you need, Denner?” The guard asks, sounding self-consciously, purposefully bored. 

He likes the guard’s black hair. It reminds him of Nate, although the guard is devoid of gentleness, and his eyes are dark, nearly as dark as his hair, and sparkling always with some inside joke that only he understands. 

“Manning, my personal favorite.” Bram sits back on his bed. Inside himself, he feels Ashley taking her first tentative steps towards him. She will come west, and he has to be ready to meet her. “I need to talk to you.”

The door unlocks and the guard steps through, slouching in his uniform, hardly looking like a prison guard at all. Which, of course, was probably the point. “Well?”

Bram crosses his arms in front of himself, thinking, watching Manning’s dark eyes meet his own ice-blue. There’s a shift, in there - not much of one, Manning hardly needs a push - but he sees the interest in Manning’s eyes move from self-centered fascination to a real devotion. 

And true devotion is going to be the only way he gets out of here to see his sister and his black-haired prince and his puppy again.

“I’ve had a good time visiting, Connor, but it’s definitely time for me to go.”

Connor Manning glances back over his shoulder into the hallway outside, then back to Bram. Manning leans against the wall, considering him, narrowing his dark eyes just the slightest bit. But they stay on Bram’s, and the devotion doesn’t waver. “This is a maximum-security prison, Mr. Denner. How exactly do you plan to leave?”

Bram gives that some thought, then picks his phone back up, opens his photo and video files, and scrolls back to Nate’s birthday, to the video he’d been watching. Then he looks up at Connor Manning, currently the most useful tool at his disposal, and smiles. 

“Oh, you’re going to unlock the door.”

#whumper #intimate whumper #creepy whumper #caretaker whumpee #whump #whumper about to escape prison #Daniel Michaelson's story #Abraham denner is a bad bad misery vampire

[chubbyooo]

Blurred Lines: Cursed Past Chapter 39 - Horned Rancors

back for another Gacen chapter and oh boy it’s a longone

Gacen and Ash arrive at the Horned Rancors base and are surprised by the changes

Gacen frowned as he began to fly towards the old Horned Rancors base, there was so much traffic, he could see all sorts of ships coming and going from the station. It was much larger than he remembered but most of all it seemed so commercialised he looked to Ash who seemed unfazed by all this.

He brought the ship into the open hanger landing the ship with a delicate thud, he turned to Ash “I’ll be honest things seem a little different since last time I was here” Ash nodded looking out the viewport at the bustling hanger bay

She raised her eyebrow “different good or different bad?” she gestured to one of the many weapons on her person, she really was a walking armoury.

Gacen thought about the question for a couple seconds “uhhh I dunno yet, it definitely seems safer though” Ash seemed satisfied with that answer as Gacen stumbled towards the landing ramp, he was still pretty hammered but this was when he did his best work. Gacen teetered as he made his way down the landing ramp, he could see a Nautolan shuffling towards him looking flustered

As he arrived Gacen tried to stand up straight “uh ah um hello sir we uh don’t appear to have you or your ship on our flight records for today” Gacen frowned what flight records this was still a criminal organisation right

Gacen wobbled catching himself on the landing ramp “do I need to be last time I was here I didn’t need that” the Nautolan nodded frowning at him

He stuttered “well ah you must have not been here for a while this place is a spaceport and has been for a while” Gacen frowned they better still own this place this place was a hot commodity at least he thought it was.

Gacen glanced to Ash who was silent “well uh who’s in charge here then” Gacen looked around at the busy hanger it certainly seemed more legit and less dingy or whatever

The Nautolan looked at his datapad “uh well that would be Vlugo Deys I can’t think wh-” before the Nautolan could finish he was interupted

Gacen snapped his fingers “that’s his name ohhhh yeah I remember now he was a big guy, uh zabrak super friendly ah he was great” he looked to Ash proud of himself, Ash’s expression didn’t change however and after a few seconds of awkward silence he turned back to the Nautolan “tell him the voidhound wants to see him it should clear things up” the Nautolan didn’t seem to believe him but still messed with the datapad for a second. 

A look of surprise crossed his face and he looked back to Gacen “I uh have been asked to escort you um sir” Gacen grinned people still knew him that felt good. The Nautolan began leading them through the spaceport, it was surprising to see the halls of a once secret hideout covered in franchises, neon signs everywhere and so many people it made Gacen’s head spin

Gacen turned to Ash “I am freaking out right now this is wild” Ash frowned at him confused 

She cocked her head at him “what do you mean?” Gacen could tell Ash was already scoping out every danger around them, must be hard to turn that sort of thing off.

Gacen rubbed his neck awkwardly “I dunno last time I was here it was a super secret hideout for one of our gangs and now it’s so uh docile” Ash nodded rubbing her chin

“well it’s been five years Gacen things and people change” she had a point he was never expecting it to be the same

Gacen screwed up his face “yeah I know but changing this much, it’s like I’m at a mandatory republic gathering” Ash gave him a stern frown, they had been at plenty of those gatherings together and 9/10 times Gacen had embarrassed her or Risha, it was really the republics fault for making it open bar.

They made their way to a lift where the Nautolan gestured for them to get in, once in Ash turned to Gacen “so what if this is a trap” Gacen let out a jovial sigh 

He put an arm on Ash’s shoulder “man you really don’t trust anyone” Ash’s expression stayed stern

“Gacen on my first proper assignment my entire squad betrayed me I have pretty good reason” oof she had a good point there he couldn’t exactly argue with that

Gacen conceded answering her question “well in that situation I have plan A” Ash looked at him expectantly “by which I mean plan Ash cause regardless of the dangerous situation we get in to you are still gonna kick their ass” Ash couldn’t help but smile 

She lightly punched his shoulder “damn right” Gacen flinched back a little rubbing the surprisingly large pain in his arm wow she was strong. 

After a few minutes the lift opened and they were met with a large lavish chamber filled with expensive rugs, in the middle Gacen saw the form of Vlugo the pale stocky zabrak wearing very expensive clothes, looking admittedly older but still energetic as his face broke into a large smile. He clapped his hands roaring with laughter “Gacen fucking Zandar you son of a bantha” as Gacen approached Vlugo pulled him into a hug “where the hell have you been” Gacen laughed happy to see his old friend even if he hadn’t really remembered him, the fact he wasn’t trying to kill him was a big plus.

Gacen laughed to himself “well that’s a long story but the basic jist is that prison sucks and don’t be noble” he let go of Vlugo, Gacen felt weird seeing someone from before Zakuul but it did feel kinda nice.

Vlugo gestured for them to sit down “words to live by I’d say” Gacen laughed as Vlugo turned his attention to Ash “and who is this lovely lady” Gacen gritted his teeth as he saw Ash’s face twitch

Gacen stammered “uhh this is uh Ash and she will uh probably kill you if you call her lovely or lady again” Ash’s eyes narrowed nodding

Vlugo’s stepped back wide eyed “I uhh I uhhh noted” he sat down opposite them hands clasped together “She reminds me of Akavi” Gacen laughed maybe a bit more friendly “now not to insult you but given what I know about you you’re not just here to see your old pal” man was he that obvious he had to work on keeping up with people first Amy now Vlugo.

Gacen cleared his throat “yeah sorry I am here for a reason but first what in the force changed around here? it’s all commercial” Vlugo laughed looking at the expensive items around him

Vlugo rubbed his chin “well a couple years ago we noticed a lot of ships coming through this route result of a new charted hyperlane and many of them needed somewhere to refuel. So we thought we’d oblige considering they had plenty of money” Gacen did think the new hyperlane was perfect to get here quickly. ”and well we made like twice what we made as a gang so we talked to Risha about it and we decided to turn it into a spaceport of course with you guys getting a cut” Gacen grinned Risha was always the opportunist he would’ve totally done the same.

Gacen clapped “that is awesome man trust Rish to take advantage of that sort of thing” Vlugo nodded suddenly his face turning serious

He looked away for a second “how are you and her Gacen is it all ok? She didn’t want to talk about you when I last saw her” Gacen sighed slipping out of his nostalgic moment and remembering his situation he couldn’t imagine what she’d been through he just hoped she hadn’t given up on him.

Gacen’s tone got much more serious “I uh still haven’t seen her” Vlugo nodded solemnly “that’s actually why I’m here, she was last seen here right?” Vlugo pondered the question for a few seconds.

Gacen glanced to Ash for a second, she was still silent he could see her analysing the guy man she really couldn’t turn it off. Vlugo looked back to them “uh yeah I guess so I saw her maybe three maybe four years ago, she said she’d take a ship and dump the old one, that was it she was acting kinda weird kinda jumpy” that explained why he found the ship at a dump and it added up no doubt Dubrillion had definitely gotten more intense with their searching. Gacen still remembered when he read that King Acta-whatever had levelled 6 cities to suppress the rebellion that guy seriously had no chill. 

Gacen refocussed on the matter at hand “did she tell you anything else like where she was going? or who with if anyone?” Vlugo sighed shaking his head. No no no no no there had to be something anything what about those records he looked at Vlugo intensely “you keep ship comings and goings on record right? we could check those” Vlugo frowned 

He looked at Gacen concerned “I uh I guess maybe they could have something I can give you access as long as you have supervision” ok that’s something the lead wasn’t dead phew

Gacen nodded frantically “yeah yeah sure that’s perfect” he caught himself letting out a breath he looked like a lunatic he had to calm down.

Vlugo shrugged off the moment messing with his datapad “ok lift should take you there, it was great to see you Gacen I hope you find what you’re looking for” he put a hand on Gacen’s shoulder, Gacen smiled at him and after a few seconds Gacen and Ash made their way back into the lift.

Gacen caught his breath before turning to Ash “do you still think this is a trap?” Ash gave a thoughtful look

“it’s still yet to be seen” Gacen nodded she may be paranoid but at least paranoia would equal safety. Ash turned back to Gacen “you ok?” ugh he didn’t want to answer that 

Gacen sighed “I dunno I just want this to lead somewhere” he felt a hand on his shoulder as Ash gave a smile good thing she put up with him he’d get nowhere without her help, he still didn’t understand why she put up with him. The elevator was silent for a few seconds before it arrived in a small room overhanging a large hanger, a short rodian turned around to face them

The rodian cleared his throat “I uh was told you want to look through our records on a day about three years ago” Gacen nodded he looked to the screen which already had a day inputed, good old Vlugo remembering the day if he restarted his crime syndicate that guy would be his first hire. 

Gacen peered over the console “Ok uh look for departures on one of your ships by uh human females is that possible?” the rodian nodded putting some data into the console and in a few seconds a long list of hangers came up, wow this place is huge now.

The rodian frowned looking at the different logs “I uh sir there seems to be a problem” Gacen frowned but as he looked closer at the data on the console he saw all the information for each hanger was mysteriously redacted. Gacen let out a long sigh clenching his fists “Of course” trust Risha to redact not only her own information but the information of everyone with her description, he took a few deep breaths how the hell was he supposed to find her if she kept doing this shit. There was a long tense moment of silence then Gacen had a realisation “ok you know what scratch that last thing search for male mon cal all other details the same” Ash frowned at him

“last time I checked your spouse was not a fish” Gacen couldn’t help but chuckle, he really hoped that doofus was still with Risha

He smiled at Ash “yeah but in my crew I had a incredibly loyal mon cal friend” Ash’s face flashed with realisation “and I’m willing to bet he would help Risha honestly just so he had some structure in his life” the rodian began putting in the details 

Ash frowned “this is the guy who’s always praising you right?” Gacen nodded that was definitely one of the reasons they got on “as if you needed your ego stroked any more” Gacen took a sarcastic gasp before looking back to the console

The rodian spoke up “here we go two results one in hanger A22 and one in” he paused frowning “G31 I uh I don’t think we have a G31 it should end at 30″ Gacen frowned that didn’t sound right 

Ash folded her arms “if there’s no G31 who noted it down” that was a good point this could totally be something

The rodian stammered back “It’s uh an automated system it doesn’t make mistakes but it says there’s a male mon cal and the other information is redacted” Gacen sharply gasped and began to choke.

After a brief coughing fit he spoke up again “we have to find this hanger NOW” Ash nodded at him in agreement

The rodian quickly interjected “well I can get it up for you in a second but there’s a little more information” Gacen gestured to the rodian in a spit it out motion “well ah it says that the ship was a MC-18 light freighter and they headed down the hyperlane to the outer rim the one that leads to Dantooine”

Gacen’s eyes widened this really was a lead “ok show us where hanger 30 is and we’ll work from there”

Ash frowned at him “I don’t understand what’s so important about Dantooine?” Gacen smiled at her it made sense she didn’t know he only knew due to Risha

“Dantooine is very close to Dubrillion she’s hiding in plain sight, well probably not that plain but like near Dubrillion” Gacen paused he may be jumping to conclusions here “maybe I mean either that or they jumped somewhere else”

The rodian gestured to the screen “ok this is where the hanger is, the lift is programmed to take you close” Gacen gave the rodian a smile and headed back into the lift

Gacen shuffled agitated, Ash turned to him arms folded “dude calm down it’s just a theory lets get some proof before you lose your mind” Gacen nodded trying to take some deep breaths 

“i uh yeah sorry I know I’m jumping to conclusions but you gotta admit that whole things fishy” Gacen couldn’t help but smile at his accidental fish pun, Ash gave him a piercing glare. He could always count on Risha to be super careful but he could also count on Guss to be the opposite. He quickly realised he was jumping to conclusions again and tried to put it to the back of his mind, the lift arrived and Gacen scurried out making his way to Hanger 30. It was at the end of the corridor with 29 opposite Gacen looked at the end of the corridor studying it, Ash caught up a few seconds later not nearly as out of breath as Gacen was.

Ash looked from him to the wall “you think it’s a fake wall don’t you” Gacen nodded very intently

He rubbed the back of his neck “well maybe like a bit of it” he walked up close to the wall staring at it for a few seconds before trying to slam into it. To his disappointment it didn’t budge and his arm also really hurt, he saw Ash let out a long sigh heading up to the wall and knocking on different parts of it. She moved along the wall and stopped at the left side suddenly kicking at the wall, Gacen watched as the wall flew back out of his vision Ash turned to him with a cocky smile. “yeah I know you’re awesome I’m a klutz let’s move on” Gacen sulked walking through the passage, he could see what looked like a large hanger on the other end of the tunnel. 

Ash stopped him before they reached the other side “it could be trapped let me go first” Gacen nodded that was fair. Ash slowly made her way in Gacen was trying very hard to contain himself this may be it the lead they needed finally a solid direction. Ash moved forward but no traps were triggered she then gestured to him to come forward and he quickly made his way into the hanger, it was empty which made sense but he could see a thick layer of dust this place hadn’t been touched in a while. There were walkways and girders though this seemed like a legit hanger

Ash coughed to herself looking around “so where are we going to get the proof in this empty hanger, I mean a secret hanger is good evidence that something is up but it’s still not proof” Gacen looked to the corner of the room spying a camera 

he pointed up to it with a grin “cameras baby they have an internal memory we’re gonna get that boi sliced” Ash nodded pleased with the plan. Gacen rubbed his chin “now we just need to work out how to get to it”

Without a word Ash sprinted off towards the wall, Gacen watched as she jumped using her momentum to scale the wall and grab a beam about a third of the way up the wall. God she was acrobatic he thought as she pulled herself up grabbing onto the bottom of a walkway then flipping onto the top of it, he couldn’t even climb out of bed sometimes how did she do that. Gacen watched wide eyed as the walkway began to shake and fall as Ash ran up it jumping and grabbing onto a small pylon on the roof, she swung back and forth before releasing herself springing over to the edge of the room where she seemingly caught her foot in some grove that kept her from falling. Gacen watched as she ripped the camera out the wall she then let her foot free and began free falling, she fell for a few seconds before grabbing onto the now fallen walkway to slow her down and then dropped to the floor like it was nothing. Ash walked back over to Gacen with the camera in hand frowning while massaging her wrist.

She threw the camera in Gacen’s direction “I think I injured my wrist a little” Gacen caught the camera still unsure of how any of that happened.

Gacen collected himself remembering the plan “awesome let’s go get this camera sliced”...

#swtor #my swtor #OC #ocs #swtor ocs #swtor oc #gacen zandar #gacen #smuggler #ash #ash'shen'tor #republic trooper #trooper #Guss Tuno #risha drayen #risha #blurred lines #blurred lines: cursed past #amimee #bounty hunter #swtor fiction #swtor fic #swtor fanfiction #swtor fanfic #oc fanfiction #oc fanfic #OC Fiction #OC fic #fanfiction #Fic

[iamnotbrianmay]

You Can’t Reach Me

Hello Lovies! I wrote something based on the awesome one shot by @waywardrunawaycherryblossom “I Surrender” 

I hope you like it! 

TW: Mentions of rape. 

❀✿❀

It's almost funny, Rogerina comes to think while lying on the disgusting bathroom floor, how fifteen minutes can undo what twenty-five years couldn't.

Her head still feels woozy from whatever roofie had been put into her drink, her hands are trembling uncontrollably, and she feels like she wouldn't ever be able to stand up again if she wanted too— which she doesn't. She just wants to stay in the grimy bathroom, curled up and hidden away from the world until her skin starts to rot and she is forgotten by everyone around her.

But life isn't that kind, not towards her anyway.

It takes somewhere between fifteen minutes and three years for the boys to find her after he has left. She is still sprawled on the floor, tears streaming down her cheeks, and pants half way down her thighs. She hears them get there in a flurry of movement, sees them cradle her limp body to their chest, trying to save what they can before it crumbles right before their eyes.

But regardless of their efforts, regardless of their intentions, something inside her changed. The flame which had burned brightly inside her chest and had fuelled her anger and fiery temper had been snuffed in a matter of seconds. The spark of rebellion and stubbornness which had danced inside her eyes since she was old enough to remember, was replaced by the empty stare of a broken woman.

And as she lays limp, cradled in Brian's arms while Freddie cleans her as best as he can, and Deaky heads off to find their van, Rogerina can only think about how funny it is that fifteen minutes can undo what twenty-five years couldn't.

❀✿❀

Three days after the incident and Roggie still sits quiet.

It's too early to know if she is pregnant, too early to even think about her getting better, but the silence is a testament of of how things have changed. If anything they had expected for her to be angry, to cry, and scream bloody murder at whoever had done that to her. But the silence is much worse.

It's like living with a ghost. A spectre who looks like their drummer, yet acts nothing like her, and as the hours pass and the silence continues they grow even more scared. But perhaps it becomes scarier when she begins to speak.

It starts with sigh of relief and a small 'thank you' uttered to the nurse who tells them she is not pregnant. The relief is palpable, not only because of the lack of even more serious repercussions, but because they can finally listen to their girl's voice. Roggie's first words after eight days of not speaking are monosyllabic, at best, but anything is better than silence which they had endured.

That is until they realised she had become pliant.

It starts out small, with little things like not complaining about being coddled, or refusing to say no even when its obvious she is uncomfortable with a situation. And it eventually escalates until the point where she asks for their permission to do anything, which would be worrying for anyone, but especially makes it seem like there is something wrong with her.

It goes on like that for a few weeks until they manage to get themselves back in the studio. It's a cold December afternoon and as always the band finds itself fighting over something or other, except this time she is just sitting behind the drum kit, waiting for the fight to dissipate. It heated enough for them to momentarily forget the elephant in the room, the ghost of their best friend, of their sister, sitting and waiting for them.

"Well, fuck you, Brian," Freddie turns towards the blond, who is looking at her drums like they are the most interesting things in the world, "Rog, tell him he is wrong."

Brian stops his foot, when he sees Rogerina meet Freddie's eyes, "Come on, Roggie. You seriously can't be on his side, the song sucks at a 3/4 tempo."

She is frozen, her expression akin to one of a deer in headlights, and then she sighs, "I don't know guys, you should decide."

In that moment the world froze around them. Brian turned fully towards her, furrowing his brow, and Freddie blinked owlishly. Even Deaky, who had been staying away from the discussion was now looking at her life she had suddenly sprouted a second head.

She let her gaze fall to the ground, cheeks burning with embarrassment and eyes brimmed with tears. Her retreat from the room is fast, as fast as she can make he weak legs carry her out of the studio and into the building's private courtyard. A pack of cigarettes in one hand, a lighter in the other, and the sinking feeling that she had done something wrong.

❀✿❀

Having an opinion about everything, Roger learned from a young age, meant that people never took her for granted.

Either because they knew she was informed about the topic enough to know what she was talking about, or because they knew that they could get a rise out of her at every given moment. Which seemed to be a house favourite for every single boy in her life.

She has an opinion on everything ranging between human rights to which type of sugar tastes better. And that gets her into trouble more ties that she can count. Especially with me who would often think that their voice, their opinion, mattered more than hers.

She had the philosophy of telling them to screw themselves and get her point across regardless of how long it took and how strenuous the fight was. And while some like Brian, Freddie, and Deaky could appreciate that, other just wanted her quiet. Others wanted her to nod along to whatever they said, smile, and look pretty.

He had been one of those people.

And Roger had only noticed after the world tilted on its axis, and he made her into the punching bag she had been so desperately trying to avoid being her whole life.

❀✿❀

Her fingers trembled as she took out the first fag of many from the box. She could barely get them to stay still long enough to turn on her lighter and goddamn is she had felt useless before she now felt like she wasn't even good at slowly killing herself. Miserable and pathetic she tel the tears roll down her cheeks as she inhaled the smoke and held it in her lungs until she felt light headed.

The nicotine was strong enough to leave her with the need to lean against the wall to sustain her weight— she took another drag, aching for more.

The reaction was instantaneous. Her breathing evened out, her heart stopped trying to beat out of her chest, and her fingers stopped trembling enough for her to finish one cigarette and light the next.

The door opened and closed beside her, and out came Deaky, who visibly relaxed once he saw her leaning against the wall smoking. She offered one to hi silently and he took it without much hesitation. Lighting it with his own lighter, a pretty fancy thing that Roger had found in one of her manic shopping sprees, and taking a long drag.

Hours could have gone by, with them smoking side by side until the box was empty and there was nothing left for them to corrode their lungs with. It was only then that Roger slid down the wall, pulling the strings of the, too-big, hoodie and covering her legs with the extra fabric. Deaky followed, and soon both of the were curled up enjoying the lingering effects of nicotine and the soft breeze that ruffled their hair.

"You asked me once about my family, about why I ran away from Truro and left behind everything I ever knew," For a second John wished that the other two would burst into the garden right now and would listen to whatever revelation Roger was about to make, but alas they didn't show up. "You'd think it was because of my father, because of his habits of beating me black and blue, but that's not really the case."

She flicked her lighter, on, off, on, off, and John could see her urge to light another cigarette and ease her nerves. After a few minutes of silence, she finally spoke again, "It wasn't really because of him. I could have handled the beatings. I could have handled the malnourishment and the awful words directed at me because I wasn't born a boy. I could have, I really could."

Another beat of silence. Another sigh from her part.

"I couldn't handle her, though. Couldn't handle the way that she would watch as he treated me and my sister that way. Couldn't handle the way that she agreed to everything he said. Couldn't handle how submissive and how under his control she was. I couldn't handle how she was his fu—" she cut herself off, glaring at the way that now she couldn't even utter a curse word without it feeling like it was not right, "she was his punchbag."

One of her hands curled into a fist, but it wasn't like the one Deaky was so used to seeing from her. It was like she was trying to test the mobility of the appendages, not show the world how ready she was to fight her way through whatever challenges life was giving her.

"I used to loathe her for being paralysed in fear, for keeping her mouth shut, her head down and looking pretty for appearances sake. Now I'm in her place and can't help but think that maybe I was to harsh." On, off, on, "I've turned into somebody's Punchbag, Deaky, and I'm scared I will never be able to get myself back."

❀✿❀

Finding them is easy.

Truro is a small town, with an even smaller community. What happened in one household would soon be known all over the neighbourhood, and what had happened to Winifred and Claire Taylor was known by everyone. A town legend, if you will.

The youngest child had called the police of Michael once things got too out of hand. They rounded up the house and found the hundreds of broken bottle of liquor, the remnants of what used to be Roger's room, and Claire and Winifred. Bloodied, bruise, and battered. It had been enough to send him to jail, somewhere far away from their small country house and peaceful little town. But it was not enough for the news to reach Rogerina, no matter how many time Claire had gone looking for her.

It ends up being her who comes looking for them, seeking to make up for her penultimate sin and apologise for leaving. Apologise for not trying to understand. For being so naive, so hot headed, so angry at the world to be able to see past what she had been living through.

They both take her in with open arms, the reunion is tear-filled with loads of apologies from all parties involved. For leaving them alone, for letting her go, for waiting so long before doing something about their problems.

It's a different house than the one she left all those years ago, and she doesn't know whether to feel worried or flattered that even after all of this years there is still a room for her in the house.

❀✿❀

"We are not having chicken today," Brian commented, "just good old tofu."

"Okay."

Something flickered across his face, "And a salad."

Roger shrugged, "Sounds good."

"Rogerina."

"What?"

"You are allowed to say no."

She wrinkled her nose, "Why would I?"

"Why would— 'Cause you hate tofu!" Brian insisted, "and salad. And you are allowed to have an opinion, you are allowed to argue with me."

Her eyes flickered momentarily towards him, and she pursed her lips, "Okay, I'll try to do that more."

A frustrated growl left Brian's throat, "Okay this is getting frustrating. Roger, do you want tofu or not?"

"Brian I don-"

"No, please," Brian interrupted her, "I'm asking a yes or no question, Rog. Do you want tofu or not?"

"Brian I—"

"Yes or No, Roggie, answer me please."

It was like a flip being switched, she flicked her fingers in an outward motion and stomped her foot, "No. The answer is no Brian, are you happy?"

She was left panting from the effort the words took. Her chest was heaving and there were tears forming at the brim of her eyes. Her hands were clenched into fists, her arms shaking, and for a second she felt the old spark back. The second past though, and she was left empty and hollow again, but Brian looked beyond proud.

He took a step forward, placing a hand on Rogerina's cheek, and looking at her with equally misty eyes, "Very. I'm so proud princess. I'm so proud."

Long ago, while curled in a hospital bed and dealing with a kidney infection she had surrendered to her boys. Surrendered into letting them take care of her and coddle her into health. Now she was standing in the kitchen of their shared apartment, years later, with Brian cradling her face and asking her to keep fighting.

So she gritted her teeth, curled her fingers into fists, and did just as he asked. She kept on fighting.

#Brian May #roger taylor #John Deacon #freddie mercury #Queen #My writing #tw: mentions of rape #poly!queen #maylor #dealor #joger #rogerina #fem!roger

[elliepassmore]

Heir of Fire Review

5/5 stars Recommended for people who like: fantasy, magic, Fae, training montages, brewing rebellion, enemies-to-friends,Throne of Glass, strong female leads, multiple POVs I'll admit right now that Heir is my favorite book in the series, followed closely by Blade. I'm pretty sure this is the one I've reread the most, so I've pretty much have it memorized at this point (it's also the only one I also have in German, even if I haven't read that edition yet). Just, be prepared for lots of 'I love's. Keep in mind, the reveal from the ending of Crown of Midnight is going to be addressed in this review, so be warned. I love that, like in Blade, we get to see more of the world ToG is set in. Celaena goes to Wendlyn and hangs out in the mortal capital city, Varese, for a little bit. During the brief bit of time she's there, we get an understanding that it's a hot city that's pretty similar to Rifthold, only without the history of oppression and fear (read: it and its people are a lot happier). We also get a nicely painted picture of the misty, tree-covered valleys and mountain sides as well as some of the fishing towns. Mistward, the fortress she trains at, seems like it would be an awesome vacation spot if it weren't so close to Maeve, and that was honestly what I thought about most of the time when I deemed to analyze it. One place I definitely wish we got to see more of, but understand why we don't because of plot reasons, was Doranelle, the Fae capital city. Maas painted it as a city island of stone and water. The way she stone and the palace was described makes me think a little of how Ahdieh describes the palace in Wrath and the Dawn, while the waterways make me think of a more magical Venice. The monsters and creatures throughout the realm were also pretty cool and seemed to have well-developed lore. In terms of character development, I love Chaol in this one. If you've read my other reviews, you know I'm not the biggest fan of his character or his relationship(s) with other people. However, we get to see him questioning things he knows, questioning what he thinks he knows, and even getting questioned by other people. Dorian flat out calls him out on his beliefs regarding magic and gives one of the best (and I think one of the most quoted) lines of the series: "You cannot get to pick and chose which parts of her to love" (344). Aedion also questions Chaol's beliefs, pointing out that Chaol is avoiding choosing a side and still has a bit of that blind obedience going through him. Both of those instances, combined with some of the other stuff Chaol learns and sees in this book really helps him start to question what the fuck he's been doing these past ten years and the man he's been serving. Chaol actually starts becoming a likable character in this one, despite his lingering prejudices about magic and even some reservations. This is definitely peak Chaol, at least until we reach Tower of Dawn. Another character who goes through a big change is Celaena. She starts of as Celaena, the assassin, and is dragged to see Maeve where, for the first time in the book, she is instead addressed as Aelin, the princess. Rowan, the person assigned to train her, calls her Aelin throughout the book, but you can tell there's a division in her, not just because of the way she feels and acts and what she says, but because of what she calls herself when it's her 'turn' to narrate. Rowan calls her Aelin, but she still calls herself Celaena. There's a lot of rage and desperation and fear in her, from her far- and recent-past, and it runs her. She's obviously depressed for most of the book, something that Maas wrote wonderfully and portrayed as something human and real and painful. That's the mindset she starts in, and we see her descend further into it before rising back up, but it takes a while.

During that time, it's clear she still has some hope, still has some sense that she wants to live for something, again because of her name. Rowan calls her Aelin, she calls herself Celaena, but she has the other demi-Fae living and training at Mistward call her Elentiya, Nehemia's name for 'spirit who cannot be broken.' Names mean something to her (and to the other characters, they are a motif throughout the book that I could probably write an entirely separate review on), and they signal where she is in her journey. From an arc perspective, Aelin struggles and fights and becomes, and by the time the book is over, it really does feel like Celaena and Aelin are two completely separate people. As a bonus, we get a lot of background information about Celaena/Aelin and SO MANY Easter eggs. As a side note, not really related to character development, but this is the first time since ToG when I felt that when Celaena/Aelin got beaten in a fight it was an actual testament of the other person's skill rather than Celaena/Aelin getting watered down a bit (not counting when she was poisoned in the duel w/ Cain). In Blade, we saw her strength and abilities, and then in ToG and CoM, they were kind of a let down and I felt she got beaten too easily, but here it feels more like an even show of power like it would've been in Blade.

I felt Dorian was a more stagnant character during this book. He slowly worked on his powers and tried to hide them, but for the most part he was shut out of the scheming and major events that were occurring in the book. That's not to say he doesn't have an arc, he does, I just think it was mostly set up and completed in the first two books, with this one serving as the conclusion for his Part 1 arc (in terms of development, ToG is pretty evenly split with Part 1 arcs going from ToG to this one and part 2 arcs going from QoS to the end, with both parts serving the overarching Arc for each character). Dorian really feels like he could become king in this one, with the way he talks and the decisions he makes, especially regarding things he doesn't 100% understand or get. Though, to be honest, he's always been the character out of Celaena, Chaol, and him that handles big reveals and twists best. Anyway, his behavior has markedly matured, even when it comes to his romantic relationships. We saw that he was mopey in ToG and even parts of CoM after the whole thing with Celaena went down, and how he was willing to give frivolous gifts, but here we see a shift to him understanding, or at least starting to understand, why certain things occurred the way they did as well as a shift toward him working more seriously when in a romantic relationship. He's also quicker to disavow the king and what he's doing than Chaol is, which is both unexpected and probably difficult. But like I said, these changes are subtle and small compared to the changes in the other characters, which is why I called his arc mostly-stagnant, even if I like his character. Manon is an awesome character. I think I tended to skip her chapters the first time I read this book, but ended up really liking them in Queen, so I started paying attention during my rereads. I think my main issue with her was that she was new and didn't have a connection to the other, already established characters, because she's a really bad ass character. She's an Ironteeth Witch, like Baba Yellowlegs, only she's colder and more hardcore. Manon is brutal and beautiful and dangerous and knows it. More than that, she knows how to use it to her advantage. Every move is about clawing her way up and eventually getting back to the Witchlands (now known as the Western Wastes). Manon has some stunning development in this book, going from cruel and cunning and uncaring to cruel and cunning and caring a little. I like how her relationship and leadership roles within the Thirteen was established, and enjoy the power-house that group is. I also really like her dedication to getting Abraxos up and in the air. In terms of who mirrors Manon, I think it's Abraxos. No one really thinks Manon is the underdog, but their similarities throughout this book and the rest of the series are, I think, probably too many to be coincidental (or they are and it just works out really well). Aedion Ashryver is a fun addition to this book. Cousin to Aelin, he too has been serving the king for the past however-many-years. He's a lot like Aelin, only more male and with a different kind of darkness. Where Aelin's darkness is quick and wicked, Aedion's feels slower and honey-like. Either way, I thought he was a funny character and it was nice to get up close and personal with someone who has been actively working against the king for some time (and who has narration). He can be a bit misguided re: Aelin at times, but his heart's in the right place and it's obvious he not only cares for her but for his country. Can't really say much about character arc here, since I think his comes more in Part 2, but I have really liked his character since the first read-through. Rowan's another good addition, even if I hated him the first time I read the book. He's a mirror to Aelin mentally and developmentally, similar to how Aedion is Aelin's mirror physically. Both Aelin and Rowan are in dark places when they meet and they both have to deal with hauling themselves out of that space during the book. Rowan's brutal, but once Aelin (and we as an audience) warm up to him a little, he's a much better character. He's not the sadistic bastard someone (I think it was Luca) claims him to be, again, once you get to know him, he seems downright playful. He opens up to Aelin and begins his own ascent from darkness, and I think that comes through in the moments when he is playful, when he is caring, when he does look out for the people around him. I think he has the bond with Maeve weighing pretty heavily on him, and I have to wonder if some of his coldness and distance isn't because he doesn't want to get close to someone and have that taken away by Maeve, either directly or indirectly. I also think he's seeing Celaena grow into Aelin and realizing that Maeve is not the kind of person she should be, not the kind of person Rowan really believes in. Some other characters of note include Sorcha, who has a pretty good (and then a pretty bad) twist in her story. I liked her interactions and relationship with Dorian, I thought they were cute together. Emrys is another good one. He's a demi-Fae who works in the kitchens and is the story-teller at Mistward. He proves to be a good friend and ally to Aelin, as well as a god catalyst for Rowan. I wish we got to see more of him and Malakai (his mate) together. Luca was cute, sort of like a chattery younger brother type. The Cadre were intriguing, even if we didn't get much of them. Ren and Murtaugh we met in Crown and we see again here. I like Murtaugh and I like his and Ren's relationship, but I don't like Ren (at least until a bit later). I love the Thirteen and their loyalty, and I can't wait until I can talk about them more in the next review. Overall (obviously), I like the book. I think there's some great character, world, and plot development going on here that incorporates previous things and brings in new ones. I know ToG is a cohesive series, but, as mentioned a bit above, I tend to think of it in parts, and Heir closes out Part 1, both plot-wise and in terms of character development. I think this book rivals Blade for how many hints and clues about future things/events were dropped. So, five years later and it's still my fave.

#book #books #book review #book recommendations #assassins blade #throne of glass #crown of midnight #heir of fire #queen of shadows #empire of storms #tower of dawn #kingdom of ash #sarah j maas #celaena sardothien #aelin ashryver #chaol westfall #dorian havilliard #sorscha #aedion ashryver #rowan whitethorn #manon blackbeak #the thirteen #king of adarlan #adarlans assassin #the valg #potential spoilers

[gaymafia]

I’m legitimately curious why people didn’t like the last Jedi? I saw it and thought it was okay? Is there something I missed or? Like it wasn’t great but it was passable?

ok so i wasnt gonna do this here bc nobody fucking asked but u asked so thank u but also strap in ur ready for a while ride

TLJ spoilers, obviously. also my issues are going to be numbered in no particular order bc my thoughts on this movie are so fucking scrambled but here we go

1. Kyle Ron. First of all fuck Ryeanne for making me see so many goddamn closeups of Adam Driver’s ugly ass face. I did not need to see all that he is so goddamn ugly especially that fucking shirtless scene where he looks like a block of pasty ass pale wood.

But for real, Kylo Ren. I don’t actually take issue with his existence, because Kyle really does excellently represent rich ass white boys who have everything handed to them but throw a hissy fit when they face the slightest adversity an throw tantrums all the time. It’s nice to see a villain that represents most people real-life nightmares instead of like, a Sexy Temptress or Old Evil Man or whatever. That being said, kyle is not given the villain’s treatment in this movie. if you cut out all the scenes where ryan is not actively sucking adam driver’s dick and jizzing all over himself over kyle’s angsty white boy angst, the movie has virtually no real plot (”oh no we are in space with no fuel, nobody is going to do anything except get mad at each other, miscommunicate, and deliberately make all the characters of color worthless while separating Finn and Poe bc fuck the gays”). So much of the movie is spent not just establishing how kyle became kyle (which is good! backstory for villains is good!), but trying to get us to like, sympathize with him? which is the shitty part. I dont care that Luke “”””tried to kill”’’’ (he didn’t) kyle. kyle had turned to the dark side before luke’s mistake. kyle had a million and one chances to change his mind from the start of TFA to the end of TLJ, and he never did. Kyle is an evil guy. We need one of those. He’s a great evil guy bc he’s got so many shitty qualities. But ryin doesnt want us to hate kyle, even tho hes the villain. why the fuck doesnt reean want us to hate kyle? bc rayan is also a shitty little man who thinks giving ur white boy a sob story makes him a sympathetic villain and sidelining ur characters of color will help.

also again the fucking shirtless scene what the shit man that was so gross

2. Will be broken down into A, B, C, etc. bc TLJ treats its characters of color like SHIT. 

2A. Finn. Finn gets put in a coma bc why would anyone want to write anything interesting for john boyega its not like hes the MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN and the MOST TALENTED ACTOR who is being sidelined bc ryun hates black people. Yeah Finn is totally into Rey and he wants to save her and is willing to desert the rebellion for her. that happened in the first movie but why give your characters real arcs when you can recycle old ones to jerk off to kyle ron. the rose thing happens, shes like “we can disable the tracking” and like TWO SECONDS after he was dead set on desertion he’s totally down to risk his life for the rebellion at rey’s expense? that sure is a quick 180 with no real reason why and no writing to explain it! then there was the whole “separate finn and poe” thing ryain pulled for the shits and giggles.

2B. Rose. I was pretty chill with Rose, she had a dope backstory, her sister was badass, and I liked that they made that connection off the bat. I’m not mad about anything rayn did with her character but i genuinely believe thats only because i havent thought about it enough yet. give me a week and i’ll figure out how rain fucked it up. open to suggestions.

2C. Poe. Full offense but was I supposed to be mad at Poe for coming up with a plan when that bitch Holdo was like “I’m not gonna tell you my plan sit tight and be convinced we are all going to die :)” i legitimately did not understand how I was supposed to be mad at poe for doing what he thought was best for the rebellion after he asked holdo what the plan was and she was deliberately obstinate and refused to even be like “dont worry i have a plan” she was just like. so dumb. Also poe got thrown around a lot and i am A Little Suspicious of how much physical violence he experienced compared to many other characters.

2D. You guessed what was next! The slaps! Super awesome how the two men of color were slapped by white people!!!! So deep!!!!!!! For real tho uh the second time i saw this movie someone in the audience laughed when poe got slapped by space hitler hux and uh??? not funny. not funny or cute or clever to use the guy you built your entire nazi imagery on to slap the one black man on your cast. i dont care if it was supposed to make us “hate hux” or whatever more. i already hated hux reyn. you could have used that screentime in your 3 fucking hour long movie for something valuable, like giving finn a character arc, or literally anything else besides that goddamn slap. i was livid watching that.

and then with leia and poe? i get that part of the conflict was internal in the resistance and one of the major themes was how failure is the best teacher and all that but like? maybe stop physically assaulting all your characters of color? maybe uhhhh at least think about that first??

2E. like i mentioned before one of the obvious themes was how failure is the best teacher so naturally all the major characters had to fail at something, and then learn from their mistake to be better next time. with luke it was fucking up with kyle, with rey it was being naive enough to think kyle could turn, with poe it was the dreadnaught thing, finn was left out of this because raan dooesn give a shit abt finn bc hes a racist bastard, etc. but it was incredibly transparent how all of the white characters’ mistakes meant either personal losses or something small scale with one person, while the mistakes of the characters of color (poe/finn/rose) were all ones that cost the rebellion the vast majority of their forces. rey got out of her fight with kyle and snoke unscathed. luke got a lot of guilt and character development. What did finn poe and rose get? the deaths of like 99% of the resistance on their shoulders. A little too coincidental that even though rey LITERALLY GAVE HERSELF OVER TO SNOKE she was totally fine a-ok no real scars, finn and poe and rose doing their best to save the rebellion while admiral holdo refuses to tell them anything costs the resistance so fucking much. rey does the DUMBEST FUCKING THING with no real consequences and finn and poe and rose try their best and are punished severely for it.

2F. Really convenient how everything finn, poe, and rose did ended up being useless and just cost the rebellion lives, whereas at least rey’s mishap got snoke killed and taught her a lesson. reeeeaaaalllllyyyyyy convenient how finn, poe, and rose’s plan was a huge waste of time. it would have been much better for us to see an actual plot line with them that contributed to the story and their characterizations instead of “send them on a goose chase, make it pointless in the end, physically brutalize them along the way.

3. R*yl* bullSHIT: ryyn had a really fun time with a lot of very rape-y scenes in this movie. the whole force-connection thing with kyle and rey was soooooo uncalled for, it reeked of non-con fantasies, catered to the r*yl*s like nothing ever before, and was so goddamn gross. the obvious invasion of privacy and lack of consent was nasty, using it as a shitty device to make rey “come around” on kyle was NASTY and that whole thing was nasty. i know im not articulating this well but there was so much about that whole thing that bothered me. i just know reyhan was so fucking into it, inserting kyle into rey’s life, forcing her to completely drop all of her characterization in the first movie to suddenly thing kyle can be good, acting as if rey hasnt seen all the shit and known what hes done. the whole thing was gross and a really obvious example of why men shouldn’t be allowed to direct movies.

4. killing snoke was a dumbass fucking mistake. kyle is a tantrum-throwing temper-losing toddler. snoke was evil and mysterious and shit idk. we knew he was powerful as fuck, he looked like a testicle which is a great villain imo, he was the darth sidious and they killed him off while kyle is still in like. ep2!Anakin levels of angst. i get that kyle is already powerful or whatever but like. hes not cold and calculated the way snoke was. kyle is a good villain, but a weak main baddie bc hes dumb as fuck. he let the rebellion get away bc he was pissed at luke. that was dumb as fuck. kyle is ruined by his emotions, and snoke was a scarier main baddie bc he wasnt so fucking dumb lol

5. it was so fucking long. there were so many scenes that could have been cut or shortened. why did we need to see luke milking the tiddy of that weird alien cow thing. why did we need to see kyle ron shirtless. why did we need so many goddamn shots of the fucking porgs.

6. ya the porgs are cute or whatever but like. that whole “look at how sad the cute big-eyes porg is when chewie is eating his friend” thing was so dumb. i dunno why but i hated that the most. that was the worst thing the porgs did. they were cute but like chill disney u know they like ran algorithm after algorithm to make that porg the cutest it could be with science or some bullshit and like? thats dumb.

7. i get that the humor in star wars movies is shifting but i felt like there was too much of it and it was dumb. a lot of the riffs werent funny and there were too many of them for a star wars film. star wars usually doesnt take itself too seriously, but this one was a little too much for me.

8. there were too many plot twists for shock value. the story went on too long. it should have ended earlier but it didnt. i dont know why ryenn decided to have like 6 different climaxes but it was too much. should have let there be one climax buddy. thats it.

9. holdo. besides holdo being the white feminist icon why didnt she just fucking tell poe the plan. why. why was so deliberately obstinate when it was doing no good. like yeah of course poe sent out a crew to try to save the rebellion all u told him to shut up and let you handle it! obvously what she did in the end was badass or whatever but like uh hun next time dont be a piece of shit and then get mad when people react to you being a piece of shit. i would have been okay with all that happening if holdo wasnt treated like some hero who never made any mistakes. she did make a mistake, and that was refusing to tell poe what her plan was when she knew he was absolutely the type to do whatever he could to save the rebellion whether he had her permission or not. also apparently holdo is a lesbian or bi or not straight or something in like the comics or whatever and like 1. classic bury ur gays but also 2. no more word of god gay characters if a character is not gay in the movies i will not give you the gay cred for it sorry homophobes

10. i didnt buy the story w luke and kyle at lukes jedi training facility or whatever. surprisingly, i was ok with lukes story line and character development, and actually agreed with it for the most part, but i just like. i dunno i didnt feel like that was something luke would do. not because luke is infallible (even tho he is my gay dad who has never done anything wrong ever) but because the entire original trilogy is luke believing darth vader could be saved. and while im not opposed to luke changing his mind about whether or not everyone could be turned away from the dark side (luke was young and optimistic in the original trilogy, and as he grew older he would learn more about the jedi and their history like the whole speech he gave rey about how the jedi have to end bc theyre lowkey shitty). i actually kind of liked luke’s hot take on the jedi, because it was lowkey my hot take on the jedi (esp the prequels jedi who were shitty as Fuuuuuck but we are ignoring the prequels for now lbr) but also because i could believe it was a view luke would come to as he aged. but impulsively drawing his lightsaber to kill kyle before he had actually done anything bad, after suspecting that kyle had darkness in him for a while, even though he felt like he had failed? it just didnt feel like luke to me. i felt more like raeyn had chosen that particular backstory to try to make kyle a more sympathetic villain rather than give a believable and in-character back story for the characters. i understand that luke’s failure ultimately has to lead to the creation of kyle ron in this story line, but that didnt feel like the right failure to me. maybe this is just me being nitpicky but that felt off to me too and i dont know if i can quite pinpoint why.

11. rey was a dumbass fucking bitch in this movie. rey could not be a dumbass fucking bitch to survive as a scavenger who was orphaned at birth on jakku. rey would have had to be smart and not as fucking DUMB as she was in this movie. now im getting heated so i cant articulate this well but she just did so many dumb things that anybody who had to raise themselves would have never done. she would never have delivered herself over to kyle ron like what a dumb fucking idea. who wrote this goddamn movie. fuck u ryeen.

12. why did yoda come back as a force ghost. where is anakins force ghost. he would be so fucking pissed at kyle right now. he would be mad as hell. he would have ended this thing. he would have called kyle out like the shitdickbitch he is and put him in his place. i get that yoda is more like ancient and orginal star wars jedi knowledge shit or whatever and like more of an authority on the jedi but like anakin is off in like force ghost hawaii drinking force ghost martinis while his shitty fucking grandson is being a piece of shit?? nah man anakin would have shut that shit down they better bring him back for ep IX and i expect hayden christensen himself to show up to bitch at kyle about what a fucking dumbass he is.

tbh theres probably more like i know there’s a ton of little things i hated but as scathing as this review is there were things i liked. visually speaking it was a very beautiful movie when we werent getting atrocious close ups of adam drivers ugly ass face. i originally hated but have come to appreciate the darker tone, since it mirrors the mood of TESB in that the rebellion seems dead but obviously isnt bc this is star wars. i liked luke. i dunno. i had a lot of issues with the movie obviously. to be quite honest i cant actually think of anything else i liked atm which is telling.

anyway if anybody actually reads this long ass fucking post feel free to respond with what you hated abt TLJ

#star wars #the last jedi #star wars ep viii #im probs gonna get hate for this but whtvr #anonymous #ask

[azuresquirrel]

OKAY FOLKS, MY INTITIAL HOT TAKES ™ ON STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI, BEFORE I EXPOSE MYSELF TO ANY OF THE DISCUSSION OR DISCOURSE. UNLESS IT IS NOT CLEAR, THIS POST IS SPOILER-TASTIC.

Alrighty, before we get to the meat of the thing let me give ENTIRELY too many disclaimers:

-I would not consider myself a Star Wars Expert. I’d say I’m a fan and about a half-step up from the standard casual moviegoer. I love the movies, the original trilogy was a big deal in my childhood. I have encountered the EU in small bits – a novel here and there, an episode of a cartoon here and there. But I am decidedly not a person who is Keeping Up with the billions of Star Wars media out there so I want it clear that’s the perspective I’m coming from.

-Also my Overall Take on the movie is generally positive and I also think I will enjoy it more on a second viewing, whenever that may be. But I did go into it, given the non-spoilery rumblings I’d heard to either Love It or Hate It. I’d say neither is the case. I Liked it, which really is something of a disappointment, but perhaps that second viewing would move it up. Also I will likely be more detailed on the stuff I had problems with than the stuff I liked, but the stuff I liked did outweight the stuff I had issues with.

-As to “where” I would rank this movie in my personal rankings . . . bros, I don’t know. I have immense childhood built-in bias to Episodes IV – VI. Better than the prequels, OBVIOUSLY (which let’s be real, the prequels had SOME good stuff in the them but it sure is a lot of bullshit to wade through). I never really gave my Official Take on Rogue One because IT WAS THE DAY THAT CARRIE FISHER PASSED, and I honestly think it will take me a while to be ABLE to watch it again because I associate it so strongly with her passing. But here’s my Take anyway: it had good concepts and a goddamn killer third act, but the first two acts were a goddamn SLOG and I just could not find Jyn an investing protagonist for all that I tried. I’d rank The Last Jedi over Rogue One – I had a similar “when are we going to get to the fireworks factory” deal with it, but still the stalling period was more enjoyable in The Last Jedi than in Rogue One. And it falls short to The Force Awakens to me. The Force Awakens felt more focused, and it had more of what I personally was looking for – that “SHIT YEAH I’M WATCHING STAR WARS” feeling. The Last Jedi got there EVENTUALLY but it got there really really late. I pretty much enjoyed The Force Awakens the whole way through whereas I was feeling a good deal of FRUSTRATION a ways into The Last Jedi.

So, let’s get to specifics:

-Well, I mean I think it’s clear why I think a second viewing will improve my opinion on the film. I spent a LOT of it WAITING and FRUSTRATED and thinking “WHEN ARE WE GOING TO GET TO THE FIREWORKS FACTORY/THE POINT.” I had Concerns about things, not knowing where they were going (AND I THINK VALIDLY SO AT THE TIME), so since it largely ended up in places that I LIKED maybe I’ll be able to enjoy the waiting period a lot more in the future.

-Look, I know that Star Wars movies are Events and are never short but fucking, this movie was still TOO LONG. Felt the same about Rogue One (but less so here), didn’t feel that way about The Force Awakens.

-Well let’s see, in my mind there were basically four plots in this movie – Rey and Luke, Finn and Rose, Poe and the Rebels, and Kyle Ron Bullshit (I suppose some would argue that Kyle Ron bullshit was pretty much a part of the Rey and Luke plot. Technically, they are probably correct. IN MY NON-TECHNICAL MIND, IT IS A SEPARATE THING GIVEN I THOUGHT “OH THIS SHIT AGAIN” WHENEVER HE CAME ONSCREEN). The overall: Finn and Rose was GREAT THROUGHOUT, THE MOST MOVIE-ISH OF THEM AND THE MOST ENJOYABLE AND I LOVE THEM AND ALSO BB8. Rey and Luke I ALSO LIKED A WHOLE, WHOLE LOT, THOUGH I IMAGINE THERE MAY BE ~CONTROVERSY~ THERE. However I also felt a good deal of Frustration and Concern thanks to all the Kyle Ron Bullshit inserted there. Poe and the Rebels . . . . . oooooooooooooof. Yeah. That was a thing.

-On a more shallow note: one thing that was uniformly good throughout was all the NEW STAR WARS CREATURES. Icicle-foxes on mineral planet (and actually being of MINOR PLOT IMPORTANCE), stupidly adorable giant rabbit-horses, JUDGEMENTAL FISH NUNS, and the godawfully adorable merchandise mandate of the porgs. We didn’t get that much in the way of exciting new Star Wars planets/worlds, but the creatures made up for it.

-Okay I don’t count it as new because we saw it at the end of The Force Awakens, but I was extremely appreciative of Ireland: Luke’s picturesque Cranky Jedi Exile Planet. THE SOUTHWEST COAST OF IRELAND, LAND OF MY ANCESTORS, IS BEAUTIFUL.

-I HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS ABOUT LUKE SKYWALKER: MY DEAD GAY DAD/SON (courtesy of spaceoperetta, that joke). I just . . . loved . . . my heart . . . .

-OLD CRANKY LUKE HAVING RETIRED TO HIS ANGRY GAY PICTURESQUE EXILE PLANET BECAUSE HE HAD THE HUBRIS ™ AND FAILED ™. JUST. RELATABLE.

-REY JUST FUCKING FOLLOWING HIM FOR ALL HIS CRANKY EXILE DAYS, BEING JUST A FUCKING STUBBORN.

-All the stuff Luke had to say about The Force and why the Jedi were crap was just . . . GOOD. I APPROVE.

-And Force Ghost Yoda ends up burning the damn tree anyway, what a troll.

-. . . why do I have the feeling that Luke in The Last Jedi is going to become my new AA4 Phoenix? I just have a HUNCH. YES HE MADE SOME BAD CHOICES ™ AND IS OLD AND BITTER BUT. I GET IT. FOLKS, I GET IT.

-And the whole END when he ASTRAL-PROJECTS AWESOMENESS ONTO MINERAL PLANET. BEING AWESOME AND OLD AND SASSY. PULLING SOME STRAIGHT-UP AIRBENDER MOVES ON KYLE RON.

-I was keeping the tears back throughout the movie but the Leia and Luke scene BROKE ME.

-And then he dies (as I expected), looking out at the double sunset just like in A New Hope fucking forty years ago. I CRIED SOME MORE.

-I HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS ABOUT LUKE SKYWALKER.

-Okay REY. Somehow felt like there was . . . less of Rey in this film than in TFA? Like probably actually not but it felt like she got to do more STUFF in TFA. And the CONCERNS did not help. BUT YES, REY WITH A LIGHTSABER, REY PILOTING THE FALCON, REY MOVING SOME FUCKING ROCKS. REY!!!!!!

-Also can the third movie NOT go back on the conclusion that we came to re: Rey’s parentage from this film? Her “coming from nothing” having just regular-ass junker parents, she DOESN’T have that ~special Skywalker blood~. PLEASE. PLEASE DON’T GO BACK ON IT, SERIES. BECAUSE I LIKE IT. She “doesn’t have a place in this story” in the Multigenerational Skywalker Family Drama. BUT SHE IS REY!!! SHE IS HERSELF AND CAN BE GREAT ANYWAY!!!! THE FORCE IS NOT “A POWER TO MOVE ROCKS” AND IT’S NOT MIDICHOLIRAN BULLSHIT, IT ISI WITHIN HER AS IT IS EVERYTHING! THAT STRENGTH COMES FROM HERSELF DAMMIT.

-(okay bad joke time, you all know I was totally thinking “YES REY, FIND YOUR GAY DESTINY IN THE GIANT SEAWEED VAGINA” re: the Empire Strikes Back ripoff cave that only shows you your own face).

-Before I get to The Issues – FINN AND ROSE WERE GREAT AND I LOVE THEM!!!! I AM GLAD THAT ROSE ARTICULATED THE REBELLION SO WELL!!!! THEY WORKED GREAT TOGETHER!!!! FINN CONTINUES TO BE A JOY!!!! BOTH OF THEM ARE THE HOPE OF THIS REBELLION!!!!

-AND SHE SAVED HIM AND I HAD THE EMOTIONS. AND I WORRIED SHE DIED BUT THANK GOD SHE DID NOT. AND THAT KISS WITH THE EXPLOSION IN THE BACKGROUND! FIGHTING FOR THE THINGS WE LOVE! EMOTIONS!

-ALSO SHOUTOUT TO FINN FOR HAVING MY REAL FIRST “SHIT YEAH I’M WATCHING STAR WARS” MOMENT WHEN HE GOES AT CAPTAIN PHASMA IN THE FUCKING BURNING DOWN SHIP. THAT WAS GOOD SHIT!!!!

-ALSO FINN RALLYING EVERYONE IN MINERAL PLANET BASE WITH HIS HOPE – YOU ARE THE TRUE FUTURE OF THE REBELLION!!!

-(okay but for the next movie can we have more than like two minutes of Maz Kanata? PLEASE?)

-Okay so circling back to Rey because of KYLE RON BULLSHIT. You can probably tell what my Concerns were. Like . . . I mean geez, I want to root for that hopefulness but CHRIST, COME ON HERE.

-I was happy that it turned out that their stupid ~connection~ was forged by Snoke, who is unimportant anyway and dies, that was frankly a bit of a relief.

-OKAY, BASICALLY I HAD WORRIES ABOUT THE SHIP I DARE NOT NAME, BUT LUCKILY REY IS GOOD AND KYLE RON CONTINUED TO BE AS HE IS, AS I EXPECTED. But can you blame me for the CONCERNS about their ~omg special Force connection~?

-But . . . . honestly it IS a problem with this new trilogy that I don’t care about Kyle Ron. So much of these movies are hanging on the fact that we have some investment in his decisions and his fate and I . . . don’t. Like when Leia was reaching out to him with The Force I should have Felt Something and I did not. I perhaps should have been slightly less “eh, can you really blame him” at the reveal that Luke did indeed for a moment consider offing him.  He is so important to so many of the characters but I just . . . . they’re trying to make him into a Zuko but he ISN’T. HE’S JUST SHITTY. I DON’T CARE ABOUT HIS SUPPOSED ~CONFLICT~. AND HONESTLY THAT’S A PROBLEM. HE *SHOULD* BE A COMPELLING VILLAIN THAT YOU FEEL CONFLICTED ABOUT. YOU SHOULD *WANT* HIM TO BE REDEEMED LIKE HOW YOU WANTED LUKE TO SUCCEED IN REACHING VADER LIKE IN RETURN OF THE JEDI. BUT I JUST. DON’T. CARE. HE’S JUST A SHITTY WHINY SPOILED MANBABY.

-So like on the one hand I was happy that SNoke and his stylish gold robe essentially ended up being UNIMPORTANT. He dies and it made little difference. Because I didn’t really care!

- . . . but then again, isn’t that similar to the Kyle Ron problem? Because like . . . if the whole dealio of this plot, that Kyle Ron was corrupted to the Dark Side and Sith Ways thanks to his Andy Serkis CGI fucker, then SHOULDN’T it matter a bit? WHO IS THIS GUY AND WHERE DID HE COME FROM? WHAT IS HIS MOTIVATION BESIDES “EVIL?” WHERE DID THIS SITH FUCKER POP UP FROM AFTER PALPITINE WAS OFFED? Like . . . I don’t personally care but for the story itself it SHOULD matter. Instead it’s just “and then Kyle Ron became Dark Side because The Evil Guy said so.” If you want something actually compelling you need to fucking put MORE into it.

-So then the part where we needed to care about the tracked and almost out of fuel Rebel Forces. One would think I would given that Leia was there (for like five minutes and also SHE USED THE FORCE TO SAVE HERSELF AND I HAD THE EMOTIONS) But. Well.

-Oh, and pausing to point out that Star Wars is getting BETTER with women as it has more women onscreen than ever but like – I was concerned about Rose dying with ALL THE DYING ASIAN WOMEN ONSCREEN. Yes the bomber ended up being her sister and important and it was a badass scene but like – could we not have killed her off IMMEDIATELY? Also was that Jasika (I’m not sure) who got unceremoniously blown up in her X-Wing? I’m just saying, STAR WARS STILL HAS SOME WAYS TO GO EVEN WITH REY AND ROSE.

-Also movie thank you for ultimately validating Purple-Haired Laura Dern as a good leader and a badass but I somehow doubt that will be the takeaway that most people have.

-BECAUSE I GUESS DREAMY POE DAMERON OF THE FORCE AWAKENS IS GONE AND REPLACED WITH A HOTHEADED CLONE WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH WOMEN IN AUTHORITY OR SOMETHING.

-Like . . . why was it necessary . . . for this plot . . . for Poe to talk over and mansplain to and disobey orders from his fucking commanding officers who all just happen to be women.

-And I guess we’re not supposed to find him a rank hypocrite at the end when Finn disobeyed his orders to pull off from the Death Star But a Battering Ram (???) even though THAT’S WHAT POE’S BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE.

-Like god cutting back to those ships every time was TIRESOME and frankly I’m glad I did not have a ton of investment in Poe as a character before this or else I’d be RIGHT PISSED instead of just annoyed that the movie turned this character into a sexist and pretty much did not do ENOUGH to refute his ways. STILL ANNOYED THOUGH.

-Also is there any problem that the Empire/The First Order has encountered that they didn’t go “throw a Death Star” at it? I think a barked a laugh when they were like “IT’S MINIATURE DEATH STAR TECH.”

-Other disappointments – I THOUGHT KYLE RON WOULD STRAIGHT UP MURDER HUX AT LIKE TOO POINTS AND HE DIDN’T. I would’ve at least appreciated that ginger asshole getting murdered (especially when he slapped Finn I thought “M U R D E R”), but NOPE, KYLE RON MUST BE A DISAPPOINTMET IN ALL THINGS.

-THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE LEIA!!!!! AND NOW WHAT WILL THEY DO WITH THE NEXT MOVIE!!!!! BECAUSE CARRIE!!!!! I AM VERY UPSET!!!!!!!

-Oh Christ, this is so long and I’m kind of trailing off into shitpost territory, SO IF I HAVE MORE SHITPOSTY THOUGHTS I WILL HAVE THEM LATER.

-So good movie but I had FRUSTRATIONS.

-In conclusion: I LOVE LUKE SKYWALKER, MY DEAD GAY DAD/SON.

#CHRIST THIS IS FAR TOO LONG AND I STILL PROBABLY MISSED SHIT #Star Wars spoilers #The Last Jedi spoilers

[just-some-other-reviews]

In my opinion, this is definitely the best of the three novels from Ding Mo who has been adapted so far. So, let’s say that I forced myself to push the review Love Me If You Dare before this one because it was produced and written before Memory Lost.

So, again I need to specify something. This drama is said to be under three different seasons because it’s a web series, but DramaFever classified it was a long drama of 36 episodes rather than three different seasons, but I intend to treat it as a whole then as a three seasons drama for more details.

Memory Lost is a romantic crime suspense. Bai Jin Xi is the boss of a police unit. Even though she lost her memory years ago, she’s productive and work tirelessly. She’s specialized in criminal psychology. One day, Han Chen or “God Han” enters her unit to help her on a case and tries to discredit her way to work, since he rely more on  facts and “traditional” investigation style.

This review is a bit different of the other ones. If you don’t want any spoiler, I advise you to only read the two paragraphes below and the one about the first season, but avoid at all cost the one about the second and third season because I’ll discuss about some events that could be consider as spoilers for those who haven’t started the drama yet. But, for those who want to read the two paragraphes about the second and third season, I didn’t put any major spoilers in them, so feel free to read them. For what it is of the last paragraph... As said, it’s a major spoiler about S, so if you want to read it, you can, but even though I don’t state his identity, if you read, it will be quite obvious who it is.

I’m just doing to do a brief paragraph to give my overall opinion of the drama. There was something that I particularly liked in this drama and it was that rather than wanting to make appear the killers inhuman and the innocents or victims as martyrs, to some extent it did it the other way around. The victims weren’t glorified and, often, the passerby acted in a regretful and selfish way that could make someone question himself who the true monster in the story were? Was it the ones who killed or the ones who pretended to be good? Also, the killers weren’t all presented as masterminds without a flaw they were rather individuals who managed to become who they were by focusing and exploiting these flaws. Since I’m talking about the characters, I might as well finish on this subject. Most of the characters are cliché or play on the numerous cliché of the genre. There wasn’t a lot of evolution overall. Most of it was visible once you completed the whole drama and knew how the syndicate used to be because the great majority of the character evolution is about the killers rather than the leads. For the story in general, I must say that the pace was quite good, the cases were interesting, the development was awesome, BUT things weren’t really realistic. Everything was so big and so unprobeable that I felt that it slightly affected my view of the drama. Among the unrealistic things was how exact and easy the profiling of the suspect was in all the cases. Also, a lot of things were predictable – and for that, I don’t take in consideration that I had spoiled myself about the identity of a few characters because I couldn’t handle the suspense. I was quite pleased with the fact that the ending didn’t neglect the side characters. Even though it was open, it was quite satisfying because everybody seemed to have obtained the ending they were bound to have (I’ll talk a little bit more about that into the section about the third season because even though I say that I was satisfied, there were a few things that bothered me).

Finally, this might be seen as a small spoiler, but there’s like a “big bad guy” who controls everything and it was one of the character I spoiled the identity of (involuntary because it’s possible to figure his identity by reading the summary of the third season on Wikipedia) and I have a tip for those who would want to figure out who he is (because, of course, I paid a close attention to his scenes to see if it was possible to figure out who he was before his reveal) and I’ll say to those that are interested by such thing, but don’t want to spoil themselves that he has a very unique profile that, if you pay close attention to, you probably be able to link to someone.

For the general review, I conclude there. Since there are some of you who won’t read the next four paragraphes, I should give my grade now. The plot would be a worth 9/10. The characters a 3/5 mostly because of the bad guys, the leads didn’t have a lot of depths. The tearjerker factor would be a 1/5.

(SEASON 1) The main purpose of the first season was more to set things in place than really help the main story line and everything. My first impression of the male lead was quite bad. He’s the cliché, over talented, asshole that does everything to make the female lead feels as if she isn’t worth much. The female lead is bad-ass. I mean, she doesn’t accept that he looks down on her and is able to defend herself without any issue. She isn’t portrayed as weak or having difficulties that make her especially stand out of the group. Also, she refuses to be called a man – a trait that often “strong women” just let go – by her co-worker and always want to be seen as a lady. That point was, also, a little bit bothering because who the fuck goes on crime scenes with high heels?! The last character who really caught my attention was Xu Si Bai that is a sweetheart and, from what we see in the first season, don’t deserve all that hate from Han Chen. There are a lot of characters who are presented in this first season. Most of them aren’t really important, but all of them are quite superficial. They all obey to some cliché and are overly talented in their speciality. For the story, everything seemed quite easy in that season. Bai Jing Xi easily got a promotion alongside her favorite co-worker. Han Chen and her had facility to find the solutions to the cases that were coming their ways. Since I’m talking about the cases, I should say that they are quite long (about 6 episodes or more), but they are well-developed and well-paced, so they are quite entertaining. Also, the thought put in them is awesome, even though I must admit that often they were too big and a little bit easy to figure out.

(SEASON 2) The second season start with the end of T’s case (yes, the snipper case is T case, I’m not sure if it was mentioned during the previous season). This case was probably the most predictable because the snipper is presented as a long-haired man and there is just one long-haired man that is with the group. That aside, I thought the case was quite big and, sometimes, confusing (like, there were way too much “what the fuck just happened?’) because there were so many things that were added. Yet, I must admit that I was pleased to see that everything was linked, and nothing seemed to be useless. Everything was a key to figure out what was the true motive of T’s action. I adored that he had a back story and wasn’t evil just because he wanted to be evil. One of the major element that is added in the story is that Bai Jin Xi is the long-lost fiancée of Han Chen and that thing was just like “no… please don’t… Ah… what the fuck?” Like, if you have forgot everything, and had just a minor “fling” with the man, they went way too fast. The season finishes on K’s case, which is quite easy to predict. Overall, the pace was good. This season added depth to the main story as well as the characters. The characters seemed to be a little bit developed than in the first season. Han Chen became so jealous – I don’t know if it’s better than when he was an asshole. E was just useless and annoying, but, at least, her actions were justified. Bai Jin Xi stayed a strong woman. The guys in the unit were still great. K is absolutely bad-ass. I kind of loved him because, looking back, he’s probably the smarter in the syndicate the leader aside and the one who could be the “most” evil because his motives are way more selfish than the ones of the others. Lastly, Xu Si Bai was still a sweetheart, but, damn, he received so much hate from Han Chen that it was a bit pitiful.

(SEASON 3) So the third season is when the syndicate finally become the main subject of the series. I thought that from the romantic point of view, this season was probably the more flawed because they were going way too fast… Ah… And they didn’t even remember each other… How could they do as if nothing had happened. That aside, the cases treated were awesome, but once again, it fell a little bit too much in the grandiose. This season was always the worst when it came to “miracle survival” of the characters. It annoyed me, especially because the ones I wanted to badly to save (yes, I was fond of the syndicate, what are you going to do) had the worst ending ever. Even though the plot twists were, once again, predictable, I thought the whole rebellion thing was good. The drama finishes on a super long flashback that treats about everything that Bai Jin Xi (Su Mian) has forgotten. Even though it stretched on three episodes, the pace was still good, and it didn’t feel too heavy compared to the long flashback in Mad Dog. For the characters, there isn’t much to say about the leads (aside from the fact that the female lead was so damn slow when it came to S) and the good guys. I think I would mostly speak about the syndicate who were the more developed and most of them had a backstory, so they seemed as if they had depth. Their evolution was bad-ass and they were portrayed as “broken” rather than “evil”. L was a bit annoying because he was so grief stricken and purely motivated by the fact that E had died. R was bad-ass, but he was undeveloped. K was damn smart. S is a masterpiece and he have all my empathy, but I don’t want to discuss too much about him in this paragraph.

(MAJOR SPOIILER) I just want to talk about S because I thought that he was a masterpiece. He sure seemed a little bit less motivated than the others. Yet he was probably the more developed. His personality was the more complex and the fact that he could hide that he recovered his memory with so much calm was marvelous. I don’t remember it being clearly stated during the drama, but it was likely that he was the last killer, the only one who hadn’t been profiled and who committed the crimes that seemed to be related to medicine (K jokingly pointed it out). The main reason why I want to talk about him is because of his back story. He’s the only member of the syndicate that didn’t have a choice. He wanted to be normal, but couldn’t because his family didn’t allow him to be a normal kid. In short, even though it sounds really awful, to some extent, I truly believe that he genuinely cared about Su Mian and if he felt as if he had the opportunity to get close to her wouldn’t have hurt her at all. He was just a kid who grew up with this kind of “woman” he desired, but couldn’t get close to. It was mostly after T read his letter than he became my favorite character in the drama and that can tell a lot. S was a charming psychopath. He attracted people (even though many people were like “he gives a bad feeling” or like “hugh… he’s creepy” … That’s fucking foreshadowing nothing else, S was a sweetheart that always tried his best to please Su Mian and just wanted to be by her side without having to deal with her having a lover because he believed he was enough to please her) and was pleasing. I think that my liking of him illustrated well the thought that was put in him. At the opposite of the previous bad guys in Ding Mo’s novels, S was attractive and you could feel some sympathy for him. He wasn’t that bad… He didn’t chose it… It was probably the more realistic portrayal of a psychopath or sociopath in her novel’s adaptations.

#memory lost #memory lost 2 #memory lost 3 #cdrama #c-drama #chinese drama #review #drama review #yang rong #bai white #li evan #chinese web series #chinese webseries #chinese web drama #chinese webdrama

[thebeckychronicles]

Post 22- 7 day countdown, infections, biopsies, PTSD, and CHAD IS OUT

Warning: lots of cursing because I was annoyed with half of what went down this past week so I think you’ll be able to tell which parts hehe

It’s been a while since I’ve posted an actual update that wasn’t written while I was all up in my feels.

The date of my last chemo infusion is August 9th, with me getting fluids for the last time on August 10th. I’ve been counting down the days since I hit 60. Right now it’s 7 days til the 9th. To say I’m ECSTATIC is to say the least. This past Tuesday was my 11th chemotherapy session, so the first part of my 6th cycle. 6 seems like such a small number but when I think about it but then I think how those 6 cycles translated to 6 months of treatment and I’m kind of left in awe at how far I’ve come. It’s both shocking and heartening.

It’s funny because my oncologist had said in the beginning that after the second or third treatment Hodgkin’s Lymphoma patients typically feel better, or that the chemotherapy side effects tend to bottom out instead of getting worse. She, as well as other specialists, had said that the port would be super easy to have, I wouldn’t even notice it and that it’d make getting treatment a lot easier. Seems like I hit the jackpot on experiencing all the unlikely scenarios when it came to my port and to chemo. So let me give you a rundown on life in general and how treatment is going.

I can’t remember whether I mentioned it or not but last month I started an internship at a non-profit immigration legal services organization. I’ve been LOVING IT. The woman I’m interning for is WONDERFUL (Hi T) and is as excited to teach me as I am to learn. It feels really good to be getting out of the house more often and doing something that isn’t just productive but actually meaningful and helping others. Plus, they’re so flexible with my treatment schedule and take into consideration my needs especially considering my health.

I also enrolled at Cascadia for the fall quarter to finish up my AA since I didn’t get to last year. Tuition is a little stressful considering financial aid sucks and I haven’t really been working much but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. I’m just excited to have some sort of routine and normalcy back in my life. Before my diagnosis I felt burned out and kind of rudderless. Now, as clichéd as it is, I’m feeling more motivated to finish school, to figure out what I want for myself and what I want my life to look like.

Two of my best friends moved to different states. One from California to Colorado, and I’m super excited to see her thrive in her new place since she’s been talking about it non-stop. She drove up from California and I met her in Oregon and we saw her favorite band the Avett Brothers in Bend, Oregon which was amazing. That small town in kind of in the middle of nowhere and on the edge of the Willamette national forest and the stars there are ridiculous. It’s funny we always half-way plan these spontaneous little trips so we didn’t really thinking about where we were gonna spend the night so we ended up sleeping in her car in the national forest at some random campground. The view of the sky was worth the slightly uncomfortable sleeping arrangement. My other best friend moved to New Mexico. I’m also super excited to see her grow where she’s at now.

So last week Tuesday was my 11th chemo session. And it was an eventful one. In the days leading up to my last infusion my port had swelled up and actually blistered. At this point my port acting up isn’t anything new so I didn’t bother to go the clinic about it since I was going to soon anyway. Whatever, I’m a bad patient. Morning of the infusion comes and I tell my nurse that my port looks funny and that it’s hurting a bit more than usual. She peels back the sticky paper stuff (can you tell chemo brain is taking its toll on my vocab?) and wipes off the numbing cream.

“Oh kittens.”

Did I mention how much Chad (my port) sucks?

As endearing as her exclamation was, it was also kind of concerning since she’d never seemed really thrown by how messed up my port looked. Apparently my port was so concerning she went to get one of the other oncologists I was meant to see today (my oncologist was out of town) and see whether they should access it or not. He came in, looked at my port and then proceeded to look just as confused and alarmed as my nurse. He then went outside to talk to another oncologist who came to see my port and they decided to go ahead and access my port (which fucking hurt despite the stupid numbing cream). My nurse accessed my port but it was decided that I needed to go down to Radia Diagnostic Imaging where they put my port in because while they successfully accessed my port they weren’t sure if it was leaking (ew) and that’s what was causing so many issues.

At this point a 15 minute appointment before treatment turned into an hour long one that was making me late for chemo. I went down to RDI where they injected dye into my port and then used an x-ray to see if it was working properly. Which it was. I will say that the whole team in RDI seemed perplexed by Chad too. One of them even said, “In my ten years of doing ports I’ve never seen this.” Thank you for that reassuring comment dude. They deemed Chad well enough to get treatment so they sent me to infusion with instructions to come back once I was done so a specialist could look at it. Infusion was infusion, nothing new except I had an awesome visitor. Hi Shauna! :D

Once infusion was done, I went back down to RDI. The specialist looked at it, again seeming very confused by Chad and said the dreaded B word. Biopsy. I swear I didn’t used to have an issue with needles until I got cancer. THANK YOU BECKY. So they brought me into a different room and had me take off my shirt and lay down under a blanket while they set up their torture tools (Again, I NEVER had issue with needles and getting blood drawn or anything until that first awful biopsy. Shit’s traumatizing.) Luckily at that point my mom got to the hospital and was able to be in the room with me while the biopsy was done. They got me all cleaned up. 1, 2, 3, a “quick pinch, quick pinch,” from the specialist and a huge fucking sting later, I was numb and they were digging out tissue and whatever fluid was in that blister. A few minutes later they had me cleaned up and on my way home, with a reminder that they’d let me know if anything suspect popped up in the culture and a prescription for major antibiotics just in case.

The next day I went back to infusion for fluids. Honestly, I was feeling pretty good. Having one more down just one more infusion to go, in addition to the fact that I hadn’t started to feel awful, I felt like I was sprinting towards the finish line.

Then Thursday came. If I was sprinting towards the finish line, feeling good Tuesday and Wednesday, I ate it hard on Thursday. (Insert appropriate meme here.) I woke up and my body was in total rebellion to the things I was putting it through. I woke up and my teeth hurt, my muscles were cramping, my bones felt like they were on fire and everything hurt. I couldn’t even really name the pain. To top it off, Friday morning I woke up with an awful rash that burned and stung, in addition to Chad being his usual pain in the ass self. I figured I should call the clinic and they had me come in immediately. Usually I’m pretty lowkey at my appointments, I’m not really demanding and I’m pretty patient during mix ups and stuff. But at this point, I’m annoyed that they’ve insisted I keep Chad even though he’s been more trouble than he’s worth, a lot of my issues that have come with treatment have stemmed from Chad, and three NO ONE LISTENS WHEN I SAY I DON’T WANT THE PORT. I’m pissy, I feel terrible and I’m done being an easygoing patient.

So after my RN took my vitals and went to consult with another oncologist, two nurses came in to do blood cultures from BOTH my arms. They had already done 2 blood cultures that both gave negative results to an infection, so I with, some attitude I’ll admit, asked why they were doing another blood culture when they’d recently done two others. One of the nurses had been the same one to do the blood cultures the last two times. And apparently, nurses don’t really get to do them too often so they hit the jackpot with me and she got to teach two other nurses how to do it with me as their guinea pig. Apparently, I was to be the guinea pig again. Right then, I was super frustrated and wanting to cry because one, everything hurts and two, I actually wanted to rip that damn port out myself if they weren’t going to do it. Whatever, the nurse explained to me that this time they were just gonna focus on blood infections on both sides of my body rather than whatever else it was that they were testing last time (I guess the blood cultures last time weren’t to test… for… blood… infections?). They did the blood cultures (I think at this point I can do them myself considering I know the procedure now ha) and my RN came back. She told me to get some type of cream for the rash and that if develop a fever to call back and that they’d let me know about the blood infection. Also, side note, that biopsy they did Tuesday also yielded negative results so no infection. Which is good but WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH MY PORT THEN???? She also tried to give me a bit of a pep talk, saying that they only had to use the port one more time for one more chemo session. To which my response was, hell no. You are taking this thing out of me. The next time someone touches my port it’s to take the damn thing out. So I insisted on her writing up the order so that when my oncologist got back Monday, she could just sign it, send it to RDI and get me scheduled to have Chad taken out that week. So she did and now here we are.   The rest of the weekend was physically painful in ways I can’t really describe but still pretty enjoyable. I went to my sister’s best friend’s wedding which was sweet. Although I went sporting that awful rash (that I still have today- Wednesday.) And then Sunday was spent with the family celebrating my uncle’s birthday and yesterday we celebrated my cousin’s birthday too.

But let’s talk about today (8/1). CHAD HAS VACATED MY BODY THANK YOU GOD. But let me also just say that removing him was a terrible process that I was awake for and do not recommend that AT ALL. Seriously. Maybe because my port and the area around it is just generally super tender and painful and that made the process of removing it more painful than usual but whatever- point is the port removal was just as bad and traumatizing- if not more- than my first biopsy. My first biopsy which I start crying about when asked to talk about it.

I guess what doesn’t kill you make you stronger. Or it just gives you really unhealthy coping mechanisms, a morbid sense of humor and some PTSD. I really think the biopsies and the port removal and being awake for those procedures really fucked me up in the head. Someone will ask about those procedures and I kid you not I have to try not to cry or get emotional when I do. Even writing this now I’m tearing up which sucks because again things like needles and surgeries didn’t bother me before. Now I’m THAT patient. The one that although doesn’t flail and make your job harder as the person performing the procedure, they do panic and quietly cry and loudly curse a lot and probably make your job slightly entertaining but at the same time you want to roll your eyes at because you think they’re being dramatic.

Yeah, that’s now me.

First I had to check in at clinic and get my blood drawn by my nurse. After confirming that my white blood cell count was well enough to go on with the procedure I went down to RDI and waited an hour for to be called back. A nurse came to get me and led me to the room where they were gonna perform the procedure, the specialist saw my port and said, “Oh yeah, that needs to come out.” THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU FOR 6 MONTHS. So I walked into this procedure thinking it’ll be as easy as when they put the port in. They’d knock me out and I’d wake up sans Chad.

Nope.

They explained the procedure to me and right before I signed the consent forms they mentioned that I’d be awake during this and that they’d be using local anesthetic. Keep in mind, the memory of the last biopsy from last week and the anesthetic is still fresh in my mind, so my first thought was WTF. Rude. I went ahead and signed the forms because I was getting this thing out of me one way or another and I was trying not to panic about that and not be a baby about the whole thing.

They got me all set up on the same x-ray table they had used on me last week. They covered my whole body with this tent-type thing that gives them access to the area but covers the rest of my body. I started to panic a little bit more because it was weird that I wouldn’t be able to see what they’re doing. There were two nurses helping the specialist during this procedure.

The whole experience was not fun. The anesthetic hurt. A lot. I think they injected me a total of 8 times. The last 3 being because when they started cutting me open I felt something sharp rather than the pressure and pulling/tugging you’re supposed to feel when you’ve been numbed for a procedure. So apparently, I didn’t take to well to the anesthetic and honestly I could still feel sharp sensations during the procedure even after the 8 shots of anesthetic. But at that point I figured just suck it up because I didn’t want to get unnecessarily poked if the anesthetic wasn’t gonna work anyway. Either way I was going to feel pain. Pretty sure I was having a panic attack during the whole thing. I just was laying there silently crying out of pain and frustration and just being overwhelmed by everything I’m putting my body through in the name of regaining my health and wellbeing. It was like that first biopsy and feeling overwhelmed and so foreign in my own body all over again. During this procedure they took some skin samples and blood samples to see if they could figure out what kind of infection caused me to have so many issues with Chad.

After that whole ordeal, they stitched and glued me up. Trying to make myself feel better I sarcastically said, “Well that was pleasant.” To which one of the nurses responded saying, “See, it’s not so bad! Most patients end up saying it wasn’t too bad.” To which I thought, BITCH WHERE???

So then they sent me off with another batch of major antibiotics to take for the next five days, three times a day.  

So here I am, the next day FREE OF CHAD.

Next week Tuesday I’m going in for another procedure to get a PICC line put it. A PICC line is like a really long IV that stays in your arm and is threaded into one of the major veins there. Since Chad got the boot they need another way for me to receive my last chemo which they’re going to administer using the PICC line. I hear they use local anesthetic to place it too. So we’ll see how that goes. Thanks for keeping up with me everyone, I really appreciate it. 7 MORE DAYS :D

#the becky chronicles #hodgkin's lymphoma #cancer sucks #but life doesn't have to #cancer #health #life #chad #becky #chemo #i'm sad but its still lit

[oathkeptroxas]

From a fellow Roy Harper fan who has his own Roy related fanfic and pitches in his head (currently working on an Arrow related pitch in which Roy does have his awesome moments), how about Roy Harper solo adventures? It could be Arrow, comic, or even YJ related. Your choice.

Hey!! I don’t currently have any Roy based stuff in the works (the dean/laurel fic is kicking my ass), I’ve abandoned my Roy roleplay blog and I feel so bad, but i’ll get back to it once I can afford a better laptop. BUT I did recently tweak and repost a character study I wrote when I first started to roleplay Roy in 2014. I edited and posted it to AO3 2-3 weeks ago, so I’ll paste that here:

It wasn’t a big deal. It was a healthy dose of teenage rebellion. At most it would become an exercise in character building. At least it was a rush.

 He was placated with the knowledge that he was far from alone in this. It was normal for people his age to act out, pushed on by impulse and a quenchless urge to test their limits. He’d convinced himself that there would be no repercussions.He’d been so devastatingly wrong. 

The rain fell down, sheeting and relentless, as he sat on the curb with his head hanging heavy in his shaking hands. His split lip throbbed with its own beat and the dried blood upon his flesh began to itch. Looking back now, he should’ve seen it coming…

  It had started small. It began with the weight of his drumsticks in his hands, his head tilted back, his neck sweat-glistening and stretched bare. With his eyes squeezed shut and the music drowning out the distant noise of traffic, he was transported away from the drab garage, set aside from his classmate’s house. He imagined the roar of a crowd, the thunder of applause. For the first time he allowed himself to dream of star-studded career that he’d never have, even if he wasn’t the resident sidekick.It started that way; he lost himself in the music so much so that he didn’t even notice he’d played his drums until his fingers were numb, cramped from their tight hold. 

But soon enough, even that didn’t satisfy his yearning for something more. As many teens come to realise, they exist in a limbo period between children who don’t know any better and adulthood, in which you must take measured steps weighed down by responsibility. It’s within these few short years that mistakes are accepted and moved passed, sometimes even encouraged.

  Their first open-mic night came quickly and with a heady rush. His heart pounded in tandem with the vibration of the music through the floorboards. With cigarette smoke to calm his nerves and alcohol buzzing in his mind just enough to allow breezy nonchalance, they took to the stage. He got his crowd. He felt the rush of moving a room of bodies, like a puppeteer pulling strings. The floor was as sticky as his brow and it was a heady feeling. He’d reached this new height, and Roy was reckless and arrogant and he wanted to take this higher. 

And in no time at all cigarettes and alcohol were traded out for something stronger.The rain continued, plastering his clothes thick to his skin. He’d become ghostly pale in the cold, and the marks that littered his quivering arms stood out in stark contrast to the drained colour of his flesh. The track lines collided and overlapped in his vision as his eyes burned with tears. This wasn’t a big deal. He’d only done this to himself.

  Speedy dealt with lowlifes every day. He saw the darkest corners of the city; he’d seen people pushed to their limits. He’d lost count of the junkies he’d dealt with that would risk and sacrifice anything for their next fix. He wouldn’t ever be one of them. A perk to having a billionaire for a guardian was that he was never strapped for cash. He bought his rocks and he shot up, he didn’t owe anybody anything and his choices were his alone. Nobody else was affected by his transgression. It wasn’t a big deal.

  He remembered how the addiction had set in, shifting his priorities ever so slightly from the task at hand. He recalled the first time he’d missed his mark – a vital mission with the Titans that had ended in his shaking hands becoming unable to keep his arrow straight, the projectile hit wide of its target. Desolation set in. His mind was too preoccupied with the realisation that maybe this was a big deal after all. He could no longer do what he was best at. He was now endangering the lives of others. That was the first time his team mates had been left to pick up the pieces. They gazed upon him with careful concern, and that was also the first time he’d lied to them.  

The hot of his tears burned his skin in contrast to the rain that fell without mercy. He was out there alone. And his mind kept spewing such venomous thoughts. He’d deserved everything he got. He’d done this to himself. But, honestly, he’d never really expected to be left this way. He’d never imagined that those closest to him would simply give up.Still, he couldn’t shake this awful habit. And he was forced to lie in the bed he’d made, buried deep in the husk of himself. He’d tried. God, had he tried. But it was just so easy to fall back on. He had money to waste and stress to relieve, and he craved the make-believe version of himself he’d somehow conjured.

  So, it was no surprise that Oliver eventually found him, his mind buzzing and reeling and the used needle haphazardly left upon the counter-top. He’d heard the sickeningly smack more than he’d felt it. But even in his intoxicated mind he knew he’d been struck. And one punch led to two and he could feel the warm ooze of blood trailing down from his swollen lip. With wide eyes that didn’t truly comprehend what was happening he stared up at his mentor. The older man was shouting, his face red and murderous, his clenched fist held up the syringe and shook with the intensity of his feeling. But, Roy couldn’t hear what he was saying, not really – he was lost on that fact that his guardian, his father had just struck him. It was like a fever dream. The yelling was garbled like he was listening from underwater. Oliver took a step forward and Roy stumbled back under his own accord. He started screaming too, words that he’d grow to regret, words that escalated the whole situation further. Fuck it. He’d lost so much already. This wasn’t a big deal. 

 And so, there he was, on the streets and alone. Soaked through to the bone and quivering from more than the cold as he came crashing down. Reality set in. This was all he had. He’d done this to himself.

#roy harper #drugs tw #child abuse tw #my writing

[kindabraveandlittlestupid]

A love/hate review of the movie Solo: A Star Wars Story. As a movie, it felt pretty formulaic which can be a good and bad thing for some movies. I love the Marvel Movies which are formulaic as fuck but they still make me feel good after the credits so I let it slide. No, with Solo it was formulaic and also let way too many opportunities slip thru their fingers instead of exploring them more fully. I will get to those opportunities below. This movie was ‘good’ but didn’t leave me with that tingling feeling that I get after a good movie that makes we want to go out become a scoundrel smuggler.

The Blaster (Love)

Seems kinda of small (which it is) but not every detail about Solo movie needed to be its own in-depth scene of how it became part of who he (Solo) is. The scene around the campfire where Beckett removed the stock and barrel from his rifle making it a simple blaster was all I really needed. For that matter, the ammo belt that Chewbacca received becoming the same over the shoulder strap that he wears for decades pretty much gave me the same effect the blaster did which was a good warm fuzzy feeling.

Mimban Campaign (Hate)

Just to be clear I didn't hate this scene because it was in the movie, I hate this scene because it was so damn short. One thing that Rogue One did right was showing a prolonged battle between the Rebels and the Imperials on the beach planet. It was gritty and fun to watch like Band of Brothers with Stormtroopers. In regards to Solo, we only get a small glimpse of Hans military career for the Empire and the battle itself was little more than lasers into the fog and a couple dead Stormtroopers. Tagging on 5 to 10 minutes of action might have drawn out the movie some but we don't want witty banter the whole movie, sometimes we just want to watch the Empire at war.

Marketing (Love)

I am not grasping at straws here people, I will get deeper into what I liked about the movies and characters further down but I have to give a nod to the marketing work for this movie. The painted posters were nothing short of awesome and the kind of movie posters you frame and hang up in your hall if you were the story to have a hall leading to a private theater in your house which I don't have but a man can dream.

The Crew (Hate)

Another thing in the movie that I actually loved but they just seemingly let it all slip thru the cracks. Comparing Solo to Rogue One again we were introduced to characters, got to see them in action thru out the movie and then lost them one by one in final scenes which pulled on our soul. Solo had that opportunity but ended up killing Val and Rio which basically felt like empty deaths for two characters we hardly knew. It was a shame because they both felt endlessly interesting and about the only meaningful death besides Beckett was L3-37 being the sassy British android she was.

I understand Val (Thandie) needing to leave the set to get back to shooting Westword but they could have at the very lest kept Rio in the movie to perhaps be betrayed by Beckett who wants the easy payday and is embracing his own dark side after losing Val. Just a thought but damn I wish they explored the heist crew more then they did.

Dryden Vos (Loved)

I am biased here as I think Paul Bettany has been one of the best voices (and actors) to come thru Hollywood in the past 20 years. He, of course, appeared on my radar in The Knights Tale and being the voice of Jarvis and eventually, the voice/body of Vision made him one of my favorite actors. Besides my appreciation for his acting chops, I thought he made a great villain who was not outright wicked but rather an understanding criminal lord who expects loyalty and for the job to be done. I love a villain with some moral ambiguity to them and he seemed to provide that very well in his character willing to provide Beckett and Han a chance to make things right for the Crimson Dawn syndicate. If it was any other Star Wars Villain you likely get choked out, shot or cut in half. I suppose what I am trying to say is his reasonability makes him an interesting bad guy.

Enfys Nest (Hate)

Once again not a character I hated at all. I actually hope they do more with her as a character in the series if they ever do a squeal (which they totally should). What bothered me about her was the whole big helmet reveal scene on the sand. It felt like it was supposed to have some gravity to the plot and for a moment I thought it did being Val and Beckett's daughter who has been competing with her parents for resources to give to the rebellion. I was clearly wrong because that was NOT her backstory and we were all supposed to be surprised that she was a ginger girl with freckles on her face. Honestly, I like my idea better than the studios ‘surprise it's a girl’ attempt that honestly didn't really surprise anyone. *sighs* Another missed opportunity making her have a connected backstory.

The Cast (Loved)

Pretty much EVERYONE in the movie was a brilliant casting option, I sit here now trying to think back to anyone that didn't work in the film and struggle to do that much. Alden as Han? Pretty good choice, a little gullible but still a great option. Woody as Beckett? Pretty hard not to see Woody Harrelson as Woody Harrelson but he plays the rogue well. Donald as Lando? Fucking amazing pick for the role. Thandie as Val? Short-lived but still a great pick who I would love to see more of. Phobe as L3-37? Spunky like most robots now in the SWU which is something I always love to see. Emilia as Qi’ra? How can I resist Khaleesi? Everyone fits into the movie well which makes it so much sadder that all those missed opportunities in the movie amounted to it losing its heart.

Side Note: Lando, Qi’ra, and L3-37 all deserve their own little note on this review but I didn't want to take TOO long writing this.

Writing (Love/Hate)

It should be pretty clear I liked the movie but also didn't like it. There was so much potential here but in the end, they wasted way too many great chances to explore this chapter in the Star Wars Universe. The train heist should have been longer, the battle on the swamp planet should have shown more conflict, Enfys should have been Val and Beckett’s kid, and they should have kept the heist crew together so we could become more invested before losing them. 

In the end, I just didn't feel as connected as I should have. Perhaps I was/am still coming down from Disney scaling back the Star Wars Universe to the movies (and the cartoon). Maybe I am still feeling a little pissed off with the Last Jedi having such a great lead-in before the new director changed the direction of the second movie. Maybe I had expectations for the movie subconsciously. I really don't know why but something was missing and I didn't feel too impressed by the end. I know they tried to put that shocking hologram of Darth Maul but honestly, I was just kinda meh by that point.

Conclusion

Go see this movie. Its far from the best Star Wars has to offer but consider it an investment for a sequel which it deserves (at least that much). They laid some fine foundation for the story and characters which could lead to a great second movie before Star Wars Episode 4. Most of my ‘hates’ above are only half hates where I enjoyed most of the things presented it was their execution that was off in the movie. So maybe I did like the movie but I simply wanted it to be so much more. As always thanks for the read.

Regards Michael California

#Solo: A Star Wars Story #Star Wars #MovieReview #Solo

[clevergirrrl-blog]

Turning 30

When I awoke on the first day of my 30th year, I was relieved to discover that nothing felt different. Most importantly, my breasts did not feel different. I was convinced that on February 14, 2012 they would shrivel up and dangle flaccidly from my chest like deflated birthday balloons. But it seems Mother Nature and her BFF Gravity were feeling generous today, so I was able to scratch at least one of my Turning Thirty Fears off of my list.

Yes, I was afraid of this day. On the outside, I wore a brave face and several defiant I’m-still-young outfits in the months leading to my B-day. On the inside, however, my mind was drowning itself in paranoid thoughts (and tequila), and so the Turning Thirty Fears were born. In no particular order, these were:

1. I will instantly become less attractive, and whatever beauty I have left will continue to rapidly fade with each passing second of my now miserably old existence. This in turn will make me a less worthy and significant member of society.

2. I will no longer be cool. Even if I make valiant efforts to be cool, these will only seem sad and pathetic. Being cool is very important.

3. I will be unhappy with where I am in my life, aka the fact that I’m not working my dream job, or married, or having babies, or even living on my GD own.

These Turning Thirty Fears have been weighing on me so heavily for the past several months that my massage therapist gave me an extra 30 minutes for free the last time I saw her, because she was “deeply worried” about what the hard knots in my neck and back said about my mental state. She told me I had to let go of whatever was bothering me, or I risked being crushed by the pain I was carrying around on my already weak shoulders.

With this advice in mind, the first thing I did this morning was crawl out from under my bed, march into my front yard, and yell, in the spirit of beloved child actor Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone: “Hey, I'm not afraid anymore! I said I'm not afraid anymore!” Truthfully, I only yelled it from inside the warmth of my home (hello, it’s February), but still. This small act of childish rebellion made me feel instantly powerful and awesome and ready to face my Turning Thirty Fears today. Here is my best effort at yelling at myself, and at anyone out there who needs to be yelled at.

1.  Re: Diminishing Beauty / Sea Hag Forever

Guess what: your looks WILL fade. But this WON’T happen when the clock strikes midnight on the eve of your 30th birthday (it started happening on your 25th birthday, ha).  There’s no point in stressing out about it, because looks DON’T MATTER. I’m not even going to get into the whole “impossible beauty standards created by the media and the patriarchy” or the “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” stuff. I’m just going to keep it simple: when is the last time one of your friends said “you know, I’m so happy you’re in my life, because you’re so hot”? When did your parents last say “we’re so proud of you for being attractive”? When did your boss state “you’re doing a great job, thanks to your amazing bone structure”? People care about how you treat them. They care about how you make them feel. They care about how much joy and fun and intelligence and adventure you bring to the table and into their lives - not about whether you have clear skin. Think about the people you love most, right now. Go on, gather them all in a room in your mind and take a good look at each and every one of them. Why do you love and cherish and respect them? Is it because of how they look? Nope. This is a two way street, pal. Your friends and family - aka the only people that should matter to you - don’t give a damn about what you look like. They will love the crap out of you no matter how much cellulite or how many wrinkles you have. They just will, and deep down you know this. Start reminding yourself of this every day, or at least every time you’re about to have a meltdown about your love handles or double chin.  

That covers the “what other people think” dilemma, but what about what I think of myself? Here’s a script for when you have to defend yourself against your toughest critic: “You have functioning limbs and organs. You can see, smell, hear, taste, and breathe without difficulty or interruption. You can stand up straight and jump and run and you have the memory of being able to do cartwheels. Your teeth are all there and your hands are strong. You have a smile that makes people feel good.” Basically, remembering that you are alive and (for the most part) in one piece can do a lot to bring you back down to earth. If the above speech doesn’t work, try googling “horribly ugly people.” And if THAT doesn’t make you feel better, try thinking about people in other parts of the world who will spend their entire lives in poverty, getting raped and beaten. Then think about how you were just complaining about your eyebrows. Makes you feel like a pretty big asshole, right? Good.

2. Re: No Longer Cool / Might as well start wearing Mom Jeans.

Again, there’s just nothing you can do about this. You WILL become less cool, but it’s because you have a lot of other shit to do instead. Shit like supporting your friends through tough times, or raising your spawn, or working on your own relationships, or learning new things, or dominating at work, or figuring out how to relax and slow down, or improving yourself in numerous ways. Before you were 30, maybe you could spend 95% of your waking hours wondering whether you should hate Lana Del Rey or like the latest Gaspar Noe flick or wear neon this season. But now that you’re older, no dice. And that’s a good thing. Just keep a few younger people in your entourage; they’ll keep you in the what’s-cool loop, and you can focus on saving the world.

3. Re: Is this who/what/where I should be right now? omg??

When I was younger and an idiot, I thought that by the time I turned 30 I would have everything figured out and be this bad-ass shit-together working wife and mother who was also running for Prime Minister. Instead, I’m not married, I have zero babies, and I don’t really know what I want to do with my life. Shit.

Let’s tackle these puppies one at a time.

(a) Marriage: It’s Walt Disney’s fault, when you really think about it. My favourite movie as a child was The Little Mermaid, which taught me that redheads are hot, having a beautiful singing voice is really important, and marrying a man, even at the cost of giving up everything else in your life, is the only way to achieve real and everlasting happiness. Add to this the pressure from friends, family, and society in general, and a girl can end up feeling pretty shitty about not having something she doesn’t even know if she wants yet, if at all.  

Most people I know who are married don’t report being happier or more in love or more fulfilled once they are married. In fact, out of the 9 couples whose weddings I attended this summer (kill me), I would say none of them feel this way. Are they all super happy and excited to be married? Of course! But did it solve all of their life problems and solidify their place in this cruel world? Negative. Do I feel happy and in love and fulfilled right now, without being married? Yes. So eat it, Ariel, you 16-year-old child bride.

(b) Babies: Babies are gross and annoying. They’re also infuriatingly dependant and stupid. But they’re also really cute! And I think I will probably want to make one some day in the distant future, but not yet. I realize that my parents had me when they were 22, and their parents had them when they were 16, and their parents had them when they were 11, and so on. But I’m pretty sure if they were being honest, my parents would admit that they would have loved to wait 10 more years to have me so that they could have done a lot more travelling and drugs in the 80s. I’m also officially over the biological-clock thing starting now. If my ovaries turn to dust before I decide I’m ready to give up my life, I’ll adopt. Angelina looks pretty fucking happy to me.

(c) Life plan: Again, I thought that by age 30 I would either be a high powered lawyer (tried it, hated it), a successful writer (does this count?), or just generally famous and beloved by the world at large. None of those things have happened yet, and somehow the world didn’t end. In fact, when I really think about it, my world has never been better. Every day I get to spend time with the people I love, eat amazing food, drink delicious beer, laugh a ton, and do other assorted joyful things like organizing stuff by colour and telling people what to do.   

Tonight when I go to bed, I won’t be afraid anymore. My 30th birthday came and went, and I still feel like me. Maybe I’ll buy some fancy eye cream though, just in case.     

[tatakatte]

Thoughts on The Last Jedi

Overall: I loved it, but I can very much understand why people won’t. It’s a smorgasbord of plots and characters that doesn’t linger long enough with any of them and completely shatters the cadence of the other trilogies. That being said, it gave a hint as to a different message than we’ve previously felt in the Star Wars movies. One that I find refreshing and intriguing if they have the guts to really thoroughly explore it.

The movie can be divided into three sections. We have the Resistance plot, which focuses mostly on Poe Dameron and Leia. Then the Caper plot, which is Finn and newcomer Rose - easily the most extraneous of the plots and a big part of why I think people will not like this film. Lastly is the Jedi/Force plot, the major one that deals with Luke, Rey, and Kylo Ren.

Rebellion Plot:

The plot device used here - the slow chase to inexorable death via depleted fuel - always has the potential to cast a feeling of dread and defeat. There’s nothing they can do to get more fuel, and if they are caught, they will die. This is used effectively, and is devastating. It’s hard to watch the resistance get beaten and beaten and crushed by inevitability. It was also a good device to use, since it was so slow, versus the quick pace of the battle scenes and the Caper plot.

Poe Dameron was the star of this plotline. We get to see him really shine here, under tutelage from Leia, while still being his own infuriating person. He seems a mix of the Han Solo and Leia archetypes. He’s brash and reactive, but he’s also calculating and deeply loyal. I don’t think he can ever be the diplomat Leia is, but he can certainly get close. For all that they didn’t give him in TFA, Oscar Isaac kills it. He’s cocky, but not destructive. Yes, his first instinct is to blow things up, but he learns several times that sometimes he has to find a different way, that he has to rely on other peoples’ knowledge, especially those more experienced than him. I like that he fucked up a few times, because it takes time for people to learn from their mistakes. Don’t even get me started on his relationship with BB-8, which is adorable, nor his constant admiration for Finn, which should make Stormpilot fans happy.

Really, it’s his interactions with Leia that show his true self. He argues with her, but defers to her when necessary. It’s obvious that Leia has sort of replaced Ben with Poe, mothering in the only way she knows how.

I loved that they had Holdo use the lightspeed to shatter a ship. It’s one of those pet theories that you wanna see, but rarely do. The sacrifice was good - a character we could respect, but nothing too devastating.

The two major battles - space battle at the beginning and red-dirt battle at the end - were well done, typical fancy action shit. I absolutely loved the visual of the white salt being shifted to reveal the red dirt. It was gorgeous and seemed more cinematic than usual. The first battle had the first showing of the humor that would be used in the film, and what I very much dislike. It’s the very meta obvious humor, and while it makes people laugh, it starts to feel inappropriate and too easy. I’m not quite sure how to articulate it. I like my humor to be more subtle, and probably why it rubs me the wrong way.

Leia was underused, but I loved that she used her Force powers. The situation was weird, but damnit if I don’t want Leia to use all the Skywalker powerful shit, just like her brother. It’s always bittersweet with Leia, that Han is gone, her son is gone, and now Luke is gone. She’s all that is left, and she endures. I’m so sad about Carrie Fisher passing, It looked as though she was really enjoying this film.

Caper plot:

Finn and mechanic Rose head to a casino planet to find a hacker to get them into the ship that’s tracking the rebel fleet. Yeah, it sounds convoluted because it is. Fortunately, Finn and Rose are so damn adorable and charismatic that I loved it anyway. Rose in particular came with a strong sense of self and devotion to the rebellion.

The film fails poor Finn. He has no character development and gets a lot of action, but it invariably is pointless. John Boyega is so wonderful, I hope the third film utilizes him appropriately.

Benicio del Toro was more tragically underused than Boyega. His hacker character doesn’t even get a name, has a cute humanizing moment, and then sells out Finn and Rose for a hot dog. Like, what was the point of having such a big actor play him. Maybe we’ll see more in Episode IX, but it was so weird having him do nothing in this one.

I’d like to reiterate this idea for Captain Phasma and the tragedy that is not using Gwendoline Christie. She’s awesome, and has shown to be a versatile actor, and we see her for about ten minutes and three lines. She ‘dies’ but I think they might bring her back for Ep. IX. There was no build up, no backstory or explanation. They have to do something.

Jedi/Force plot:

The meat of the movie. It’s the best part of the whole thing.

We see Luke downtrodden and beaten. He’s failed his sister, his friend, and his nephew. He didn’t train Ben properly, and ended up losing him to the Dark Side. And so Luke has made himself a crotchety hermit that won’t train anyone else. But there’s still that guy inside who brought balance to the Force. The Luke that saved his father, that turned down the Dark Side over and over. Mark Hamill does some of the best acting of his life in this film, giving us so much despair and so much hope. I also feel that Hamill’s career as a villainous voice actor influenced his portrayal of Luke, giving him just a hint of darkness that he didn’t feel like the Golden Child of the original trilogy anymore. I think he came to peace in this film, especially when he accepted that the way he was thinking of the Jedi - as these pristine providers of truth and justice and without flaw - wasn’t a way that could be sustained. And really, that whole ideology started with Luke, when he saw that Darth Vader - the baddest bitch of all - could still have light in him.

Rey was delightful. I do think her training was perfunctory and probably will lead to disaster, her vulnerability with what she saw through the Force and how she connects to it makes her a new sort of Jedi. She isn’t the black and white good or bad Jedi from before, which I think is necessary to the survival of the Jedi. A lot of folk have made talk about her being a Gray Jedi, which I think will happen if not in name, because I think it’s the only way the Jedi can proceed. What they’ve been doing obviously hasn’t been working.

Her Force bond scenes with Kylo Ren - Ben Solo - are amazing. Their connection was heartbreaking and soft and tender and naked in its emotions. I can’t even describe how lovely it was. They were like small children sharing secrets, exposing their deepest parts to each other. You see Kylo actually be a person rather than this whiny bitch, and the scene where they touch hands is one of the most sensual things that has ever happened on screen. A lot of people (especially Reylo shippers, hi) see a sexual component to their Force bond visions, but for me, it was just intimate. It was intimate in a way that was difficult to watch at times. It was a raw emotionality that doesn’t often appear in Star Wars films, and I believe never to this degree.  That’s what I believe will resonate the most with people.

That, and the battle scene before Snoke, of course. I wasn’t happy with how quickly and abruptly they killed off Snoke. We didn’t learn a thing about him! But in some ways, I‘m glad he was disposed of so early, so that we can move on from Kylo having a dark manipulative master. And the way they did it was wonderful.

Kylo Ren gets A+ treatment in this movie. You can see the conflict in him, and how determined he is to be the antagonist, and how much he hates and how much he longs for his family. Early on, he has a chance to destroy the ship that Leia’s on, but he feels her. And he doesn’t shoot. He seems like a stunted little boy who was betrayed by everyone he loved and now he’s tearing them apart in the way Snoke taught him. He calls himself a monster, and only people who are in deep pain will do something like that. Monsters never think of themselves as such.

Kylo had moments of his usual short temper, throwing fits, being melodramatic crap. And it will always be hilarious about how the peons of the First Order seem to be completely used to him destroying random shit and they just carry on as usual. But I do feel like we saw the pale underbelly of our villain. He’s not cut-out for it, really. His redemption arc in Ep IX is going to be painful and glorious and it will happen.

The thing I liked most about this film, however, isn’t really any specific scene or character. It’s this idea Kylo Ren has, that he has to kill the past. Obviously, he takes it to a literal sense, but I think the motive behind it is intriguing.

After all, here we are again. Rebels vs empire. Separatists vs the Republic. Resistance vs First Order. Have we learned any lesson? Will this keep happening, over and over. Revolution, new government, oppression, revolution, etc. Nothing really gets better. At the end of the film, the entire Resistance fits inside the Millennium Falcon. Like, 30 people maybe. That’s not nearly enough red shirts to last a whole movie.

But there’s hope. We have Poe Dameron, who is in Leia’s position, but not quite like her. We have Finn, someone who broke out of the stormtrooper faceless mold. We have Rey, someone who rejects the Jedi teachings in a way that doesn’t embrace the Dark Side, but rather recognizes that the two sides will always be there, always need balancing. And we have Kylo Ren, this arrogant, whiny, tantrum-throwing abuse survivor, who’s been gaslighted and groomed for who knows how long. He’s not another villain who’s evil for kicks. What do we do with all these people who don’t fit in the Star Wars hero/villain templates?

The old way of doings things hasn’t worked. It’s made monsters and terrible people and killed countless. It never stops, it never truly gets better. That’s particularly emphasized - perhaps unintentionally - on the casino planet.

Finn and Rose have a sort of rollicking adventure, evading the police and getting into/out of trouble. del Toro’s character rather ham-fistedly states that the weapons dealers give to both the First Order and the Resistance (yeah, ok, what unionized friendly weapon-supplier are they supposed to use??), that there’s problems on both sides. However, I think the more poignant moment is when we see the kids being used as slaves, basically. They are tiny and live in the stables and obviously orphaned or sold to take care of the horse-creatures. Even Rose talks about how the children of her planet were used, destroyed by these money-hungry warmongers. The Empire rose, the Empire fell, the Republic rose, the Republic fell, and these poor people stayed in the same place. They are still downtrodden, impoverished, enslaved, used.

The old way doesn’t work. We have to try something new.

I really hope they embrace this idea in Ep IX. It excited me in a way that a lot of media has failed to do. I would love to see the talent behind Star Wars embrace a complete paradigm shift.

--- an aside. I absolutely adored that Rey’s parents were worthless junkers who sold her for drinking money. Really, truly, I feel like that’s in the spirit of what the filmmakers were trying to say. However, we do get this information from Kylo Ren, who isn’t the most reliable of sources, and may have been manipulated by Snoke (what’s new). I would much rather this be the truth.

But. During all their Force Skype scenes, Rey and Kylo felt very much like children bonding. Their interactions had an air of innocence to them. This was juxtaposed with Luke and Leia having their own Force-provided conversations and insights in a parallel that I’m still not sure was intentional. In fact, when Kylo is telling Rey that she knows who her parents are, that she’s always known, I straight-up thought she would say that Leia and Han are her parents. That her and Kylo are twins (are they the same age??? maybe siblings). It felt like a natural lead up, and I wouldn’t have been surprised. Was this just me? Am I the weirdo now?

Oh well.

#the last jedi #the last jedi spoilers #tlj spoilers #tlj #star wars #reviews

[hisvault]

For my tenth anniversary the wife and I decided to go to Ireland.  This pleased me beyond belief.  I have been to some great places but for what ever reason never thought that I would find myself in Ireland.  Yet here we go.  We got some pretty good deals so far, the flight was booked round trip through Aer Lingus, and we got a small studio apartment using Home Away.  All in all we have only spent 2800 bucks so far and we took care of the two biggest items.  Are expectations are high, but our itinerary is low.  We are going to relax and take it all in.  The main goal is to go and enjoy the people, the pubs, and mainly the scenery.  We are only a few days away from setting off onto our journey, and I couldn’t be more excited.

Day #1 Pre Trip (Friday)

The pre-trip excitement and jitters have begun, more so for the wife then me.  She has made many statements that don’t seem all that logical or maybe I just don’t get it.  All of a sudden there is zero time, even though we leave on Sunday, and everything needs to be cleaned as if the damn Pope is coming over.  The biggest thing is that she wants to clean weird shit all of a sudden like “Do you think we should mop the ceiling”, or “Eww, HONEY WE SHOULD PROBABLY DUST THE INSIDE OF THE FRIDGE BEFORE WE LEAVE”, WTF.  I try to remind her that there will be no one here for a week, and trust me the cat doesn’t give a shit what the house looks like.  The other things that need to be accomplished fall in very different categories such as needing to get haircuts, shaving all of my body hair off, getting her toe nails done, shopping for more clothes, checking the weather in Ireland every 15 minutes, searching our closet for 30-60 minutes as if new clothes will magically appear each time we re-enter this den of outdated cloth.  While I begin to pack I will be reminded over and over again that I shouldn’t take that and pack this, and constantly asked will this fit in your bag.  Oh the joys of travel.

9:00 AM

Showers are complete, the wife and my oldest are headed to the mall soon to purchase a shit ton of items that will only be worn once.  They will eat a crazy good lunch, and I am sure that when she gets home she will only pack half the things she bought.  Me I am off to find barber to cut my hair, not just any barber though it has to be one the can cut my hair so it doesn’t burn my wife’s eyes when she gazes at me.  This has been an ongoing battle.  I usually don’t get to caught up in it, I pick the first place I see and get it cut.  I remind you that I have been overseas a lot and have had some wild people cut my hair.  My favorite was a gay Filipino with long nails that would sing Christina Aguilera’s “DIRTY” while cutting my hair, and this took place in Riyadh Saudi Arabia.  Yes a gay Filipino hair stylist in the middle of Saudi Arabia.  Dude was good though.

11:35 AM

Back from my hair cut.  The girls are still shopping.  I take this valuable time to wonder around the house and just think about all the things I should be doing.

12:55 PM

Fuck I got shit to do!

1:00 PM

Cold Beer?

1:05 PM

Well I guess I better Mop.

8:25 PM

The puppy has gotten a bath at PETCO, more laundry is in, and I believe the wife is a bottle deep on some white wine.  Me, well I have had a couple more summer ales.  Time to relax and enjoy the night.  I think I have been asked to vacuum the lawn tomorrow.

Day #2 Pre-Trip (Saturday)

8:30 AM

The wife is up and ready to leave so that she can get her hair done.  Most mornings it takes what feels like 47 and half hours for her to get ready in the morning.  Since she is trying a new hair dresser it took 20 minutes to get ready.  Where is this motivation every other day.  I have been told that her hair will take up to 3 hours.  Holy shit, 3 hours!  That’s insane.  For what ever reason the woman that is normally  the most impatience person I know, all of a sudden has the patience of  a Buddhist Monk.  Crazy,  is 0930 to early for a drink?

9:33 AM

So I didn’t grab a drink, but I did start the laundry.  I am beginning to feel like she has a master plan where I do all the cleaning while she runs around.

10:38 AM

I cut the grass one last time for this week.  Started some more laundry and now have become anxious about my pancreas.  Three weeks ago I had Pancreatitis which was by far the most painful thing I have ever felt.  It was like a tiny dwarf made of razor blades was doing laps in my stomach and back.  So fast forward I had three beers yesterday and now I think I have awaken the beast again.  Probably all in my head.

1:56 PM

I went and tried to pick up my dry cleaning and it wasn’t ready.  I hate when that happens.  I am going to start prepping a beef brisket for tomorrow, I just want it to marinate over night.  Going to jump up early to cook it.  The family requested it, and I shall deliver.  Although I wont be able to enjoy it to much because of the law fat anti pancreatitis diet I am on.  FUCK YOU PANCREAS.

5:00 PM

Bags are pretty much packed. The wife’s hair looks great, yet she still hasn’t noticed mine at all.  Off to pick up my dry cleaning again, it better be done.

5:15 PM

God dammit the place is closed.

6:00 PM

I am sitting on my couch my stomach continue to act funny, what the hell.

7:18 PM

We have successfully died Easter eggs.  This was the cleanest it has ever been, no dye anywhere.

Day #3 (Sunday Easter and the Day we travel)

3:00 AM

I wake to smoke the brisket, nothing like getting the smoker ready at 3am.  That smell is good at all hours of the day.  The best part was is that it was quiet, almost tranquil and bliss.  This is because everyone else was still asleep.

7:00 AM

My peace is broken by children searching for the for Easter baskets.  They look like junkies who were just given clues to where drugs may be stored.

8:30 AM

Final touch up cleaning and then it’s off to the outlaws, I mean in-laws. No really they are the greatest people ever.

12:30 PM

Kids are dropped off, we give a quick hello and goodbye all in one breath and it’s off to Ireland.

1:45 PM

We still had to drop the dog off.  At this point I am beginning to fade, 3am was a bit early.  Time to suck it up and head to the airport.

2:50 PM

Chickies and Petes for a beer and some grub, the pre flight meal.  This isn’t the Easter meal I was looking for but who cares I am heading to Ireland.  Side note I haven’t pooped in two days.  I know that this isn’t relevant but it’s frustrating and I had to get it out.

4:10 PM

Frontier Airlines just held a jelly bean contest, you know the one where you have to guess the amount of Jelly Beans in the jar.  Kinda weird, at least they didn’t beat anyone up, or hold a fight club for seat upgrades.

DUBLIN DAY 1 – Hell yeah.

7:15 AM Dublin is 5 hours ahead Thee Time Traveler is in the FUTURE.

I awake from my slumber, we are landing soon and I am juiced.  The wife not so much, she didn’t sleep well on the plane.

9:30 AM

Gary our driver has picked us at the airport, friendly gentleman and gives us a brief on the way over for some things to do today.  He pulls up in front of a boarded up  home and says “alright we are here”, Funny Gary, we    are actually staying a next door.  The place is small but comfy, and has everything we need for the week.  We just can’t seem to figure out the stupid outlet deal, so many prongs.

10:00 AM

We walk down to the grocery store and pick up eggs, tea, Doritos, and water.  You know the basics.

Times will be omitted from this point forward  (They begin to get a bit blurry)

We left the apartment to begin touring Dublin.  The weather was damp, which I am guessing this is what most days are like.  If you could imagine it’s kind of like a damp basement all over the place, a little wet, little cold, and pretty grey.  You wouldn’t be able to tell this from the people though because it’s like the sun is always shinning for them.

Our first stop would be a local pub called Kavanagh’s Pub just down the street from us.  The Bartender was an awesome women named Rose who was well traveled and offered a wealth of information for places for us to go and see.  The rest of the pub was filled with older men wearing scally caps or duckbill, drinking Guinness and reading the paper.  For the first pub to pick it was exactly what we thought it would be like.  Rose knew each person that came through the door.  We sat and chatted for a bit said our goodbyes for the day and off we went to see what Dublin had in store for us.

Dublin was still celebrating Easter and the Easter Rising Rebellion of 1916.  Most shops were closed along the way but there were festivities going on throughout the city.    The first one we went to was a place suggested by Gary the Driver and Rose the barkeep called Smithfield Square.  The square was blocked off for various tents to do things, food trucks abound, and a concert stage on the far end.  We walked around checked out a few things and decided to grab a bite to eat.   Dublin is very westernized so it has a familiar feel when it comes to the eateries, the place we chose was called  Oscars Cafe and Bar. The wife got a veggie burger with chips (French fries), I got a normal burger and chips, both were delicious.  She drank a glass of wine and I drank a Galway Hooker.  This was not a real Hooker it’s the name of the beer, stay with me people.  We finished up and off we went to see more of Dublin.

Ken a local at Kavanagh’s suggested St. Stephens Green, much like Smithfield Square there would be festivities, family oriented activities and a concert.   The park was amazing and packed full of families enjoying the day.  We walked around the park for a bit until the wife got home sick seeing all of the families with their kids.  I have to admit I felt it a bit as well.   So the only way to solve this problem is to head of to another Pub.

When we were searching for St. Stephens green we passed a few pubs along the way, yet ne stuck out to us and that was Brazen Head Pub.  This is the Oldest Pub in Ireland, opening in 1198.  Unreal I know, it’s almost hard to wrap your head around how old some of the things are here, manly because the U.S only became independent in 1776.  The Pub was hundreds of years older then that.  We found to stools at the bar pulled up and ordered two Jameson and Ginger Ales.  Looking around the history of the bars patrons were all over the walls.  Dollars bills from all over the world were taped and tacked to the walls along with patches from first responders, military, and law enforcement groups from all over the world.  The bartender, whose name was Gary, offered up some great advice on more places to go and see.  He laid out a tour that would show us the history of the 1916 Easter rebellion.

We finished our drinks grab the map provided by Gary and took off towards wear we were staying.  At this point of the day we had walked a few miles already and were beginning to tire out.  We got back to one of the main streets near our studio apartment and stopped in at a pub called L. Mulligans Grocer L. Mulligan Grocer.  This would be the final pub of the night, but maybe one of the best.  We sat at the bar and struck up a  conversation with Harry the English bartender.  Nikki would nickname him Harry the Prince.  It was at this point when we were trying to finish our drinks we realized how tired we were getting, I could have fallen asleep right at the bar, so we finished up and headed back towards the apartment, not before we stopped and picked up a bottle of Captain Morgan and some diet Cokes.  Gotta have a night cap right.

We stumbled into the room tired and slightly drunk and tried to map out the next day while having another drink.  Neither one of us at this point could understand the other one so we decided to call it night.  It was only 6pm at this point.  Hey don’t judge us, we were jet lagged and drunk, and tired from walking around the city.  We laid down and fell asleep before our heads hit the pillows.

2 HOURS LATER we sprung from our sleep, I don’t know who woke first but we were up thinking that we had slept through the night.  NOPE, we couldn’t have been more wrong it was only 8pm.  We only discovered this after stumbling around the room in search of our phones to check the date and time.  It looked like the scene from Stepbrothers when they were sleep walking around the house.  Nikki yells to me that it’s still the same day and only 8pm.  I don’t believe her at this point and continue to look at my phone with one eye open and look of WTF on my face.  After checking the time 38 different ways, we went back to bed.  Hopefully tomorrow will be go just as good.

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Day 2 DUBLIN – What did we get ourselves into

We laid in bed until about 9 am.  I decided to get up have some tea, and write down some notes from the previous day.  As I am sitting there smiling and reflecting on the previous day, could smell a slight hint of pee.  Sorry for adding this but I found it funny.  In my drunken state the night before I had attempted to use the bathroom, I guess I didn’t get him all the way out before I started and got a little on the front.  Men you know this has happened at some point in your adult lives, women I don’t know what to say I am disgusting.

After making the wife some eggs and tea we decided to start our day off the same way we did the previous day and that was by going to Kavanagh’s and seeing Rose to have a pint.  The wife has adopted Rose as our Irish mother by this point.  She seemed almost to excited to see us and gave a plate a various chesses and some chutney to spread on them along with some soda bread.  If you don’t know what chutney is look it up, go by some, and enjoy, your welcome.  We finished our drinks, through down some cheese and headed off to the Jameson Tour in Smithfield Square.

I have been to Kentucky and done the bourbon trail tours, which are excellent tours.  Now the Jameson tour isn’t anything like the Makers Mark tour, but more like the Evan Williams tour on bourbon row in downtown Kentucky.  I don’t want to diminish the Jameson tour though, because it was excellent.  Our tour guide for the day was Lawrence a Californian relocated to Dublin.  They give you a wonderful brief on the history of John Jameson, and how much the distiller meant to Dublin.  At the end of the tour you get to conduct a tasting, equally excellent.  The facility is amazing and the tour is just long enough.  Once the tour was complete we sat at their bar and had a couple of drinks.  Jameson is no longer distilled at that location, but you still get a wonderful experience.

We left Jameson and headed towards St. Michans Church where we wanted to go and see the crypts below the church.  The have a short St. Michans tour were they take you below to see ancient bodies that have been amazingly preserved over time.  the crypt’s temperature never changes, and the limestone rocks, and methane coming from the gerund keep the bodies in amazing shape.  The oldest one we saw was nearly 800 years old.   Crazy right. Pictures couldn’t really be taken down there because it was considered a sacred place, and the tombs that were still technically in use no light could be shown in the room.  This added to the eerie fill that the crypt held.  I did manage to touch and old skull sitting on the floor.  Nikki made me use hand sanitizer almost immediately after I told her.  The history above and below the grounds of Dublin are fascinating.

After we were down playing with the dead we headed off to a pub.  I mean come on guys we are in Dublin, I believe it is illegal if you don’t drink while you are here.  The Pub we went to was called O’Sheas Merchant.  We sat down and talked to a lovely lady named Caroline.   She looked to young to be a grandmother but went on to tell us about her son in Australia, and the 2 year old grandson that she missed dearly.  We talked about this while we had drinks and ordered lunch.  Nikki went with the fish and chips (as a reminder those are French fries), I ordered a sandwhich called the Dubliner, it was a smaller panini with beef, and cheese, also it came with a side salad and chips.  Both meals were delicious, especially the fish, awesome grub and an awesome pub.  We finished up there and decided that we would go see Christ Church Cathedral.

I highly Suggest the tour of Christ Church Cathedral.  When you enter this place you are immediately shot back into time.   The church was founded in 1030, yeah 1030 not like that morning but the year.  Pay for the tour also, you could conduct a self tour but you won’t be able to go to the bell house and ring the bells.  This place gets older and older.  The tour guide gives you some amazing history, and tour of the church, the bell house, and the crypt.  The crypt isn’t as creepy as the one at St. Michans but has some amazing artifacts.  The weirdest of which was the cat and the rat mummy’s that had gotten stuck in an organ which were found in the 1850’s. You will need to be mindful of the stair case that leads to the bell tower and the doors as well.  The seem to have been built for children, if you are a man of average height it’s going to be a tight fit.  Once the tour ended we were off to go pub hopping.  MMMM Drinky Time.

We decided at this point that it was time to do some pub hopping around Dublin and the first pace we went to was called Peadar Kearneys Pub, named after the man who wrote the national anthem for Ireland, so we were told, I will have to fact check that one.  I googled it, it’s him.  We ordered a coupe drinks and began talking a man we named drunk Sean.  He talked about a couple of other pubs that he knew where we could hear some Diddly Day Music.  We kept talking and when he found out we were from Delaware he screamed the “THE FIRST STATE” and he said to quote him on it, so there Drunk Sean your quoted.  We left Kearney’s and found a bar called The Auld Dubliner, which was a great little bar with a guy playing some music.  Awesome little place, and the beer was flowing.  We had one a piece and left to find anther pub.  The next stop was going to the trendy Temple Bar.  It was packed, a great atmosphere but almost overwhelming with the amount of people in there.  Plus not as sociable as the smaller off street pubs, but we still sat and had some beers, and Nikki was onto Captain and Cokes by this point.  After drinking there we left and found a place that Drunk Sean suggested called The Old Storehouse.  This place was great, and also had live music.  The solo artist was playing some classic irish tunes, and the place was very much alive.  We sat at the bar and almost immediately struck up a conversation with a unique older fella.  I heard him say his name was Tim, Nikki thinks it was Ken, so he is now TIMKEN.  TIMKEN was an older fella with Phil Donahue hair, no top teeth except for the right K9, a sport jacket, and bow tie.  He had a heavy accent, and proclaimed to know Drunk Sean.  This was not a shock.  Nikki kept leaning back more and more as he spoke, I would later find out that his breath had some history also, it was bad.  So after finishing our drinks and ending our conversation with TIMEKEN we headed off again to find another pub.  It really isn’t hard to find them here they are everywhere, you can’t drink at all of them.  NO WAY NOT NEVER.  The next place was called Bad Bobs, which like The Temple Bar was packed full of patrons.  We found a spot in the back of the bar sat down and orderd drinks.  Nikki struck up conversation with Peter, Johnny, and Rob, three bartenders working that night.  What we did find was that the drink prices in this part of town began to get higher as the night went on.  This will be a little confusing, but TEMPLE BAR is an area as well as a bar also.  So in the TEMPLE BAR area the bars attract a lot more tourists and the prices seem to flow as fast as the beer.  We finished our drinks there and headed of to some local pubs near the apartment.

Along the way Nikki decided that Facebook live was going to be her new addiction, but she isn’t that great at it.  For anyone that saw it, I am sure it was hilarious, after re watching it I laughed probably as much as you all did.  This continued on even when we reached L. Mullgans, we sat down and talked to Prince Harry, Gary, and Steven.  Yes there are a lot of Gary’s in Dublin, this was the third one we met at this point.  It was getting late and we traveled a ton again today, so if was off to one more pub and then back to the apartment. We hit Tommy O’Gara’s but didn’t stay long.  We knew we were well on our way to time traveling so it was time to roll.

We stopped in at Tesco’s, the local supermarket, grabbed a pizza, Captain Morgan, and some other junk for the room.  When we got back I made drinks and a pizza.  We ate it like caveman and threw Doritos down our necks like someone was trying to steal them.  I then began to Time Travel so telling you anything else would be just made up stuff at this point.  Day 2 in Dublin, awesome.

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DAY 3 in Dubiln – The Chance Meeting

WTF is that noise!!!!! Oh it’s my goddamn alarm on my phone going off like a bomb in my head.  I jump up and turn it off with my eyes closed.  What I would have seen if my eyes were open was the full glass of Captain and Coke that I was about to spill completely into Nikki’s purse.  Yup one swift hand movement and this drunk Ninja just emptied that glass of amazing into her purse.  She jumped out of bed like the damn thing was on fire and emptied the contents in like two movements.  I stood there dumbfounded by my actions.  We cleaned it out, set it out to dry, and back to bed to we went.

We would late wake and begin our day.  We figured out a strategy for the things we wanted to see and off we went.  We stopped at Cowtown Cafe to get a little breakfast to fuel up for the long walk ahead.  We walked for what felt like ever trying to find The Kilmainham Gaol, which is an old prison and suggested by many as one of the best tourist attractions around.  We finally arrived after walking about and hour only to discover that the next tour wasn’t going to be for another five hours.  So we bought tickets for the next day and off we went.

Across the street was the Modern Art Museum that cut through the area we were in and expedited our walk.  The grounds of the Modern Art Museum are an amazing sight to see and offer some tranquility in the city.  This was a nice and peacful walk, the kind you don’t say much and just hold hands and enjoy.  It was nice to share this moment with the love of my life.  We just walked quietly taking in the sights, and enjoying each others company.  We never made it inside the Museum, only because we aren’t big art fans, but also because we were headed to the Guinness Storehouse.

We arrived at the Guinness Storehouse to take the tour, learn about the history and brewing process for Guinness.  This, much like the tour of Jameson,  was awesome and you get a free pint of Beer.  We decided to get our beers at the Gravity bar at the top of the Guinness Storehouse.  One of the best views, if not the best view, in all of Dublin.  The bar offers a 360 Degree view of the city which you can see for miles, and it’s nice to just take it all in.  Plus we were tired as hell from all the walking over the last three days, so it was nice to sit a moment and enjoy the views.

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Once we finished our pints we muscled up and headed to the Dublin Castle.  This is located in the City and is almost hidden, you turn down street just up from Peadar Kearney’s and there it is.  We went in and did the self tour where you get to see the state rooms, maybe next time we will do the full tour, but we were getting tired and hungry so we wanted to start heading back towards the apartment in Stoneybatter.  The full tour would have taken more than and hour and we didn’t want to spend that time, so we started moving again.

We casually moved through the city up and down different streets working our way back to home base.  We had passed through Jameson and into Smithfield Square tired and only thinking of grabbing something to eat and relaxing.  We got almost to the end of the square when a gentleman passed in front of me that looked all to familiar.  I have told my wife many times over that timing is a funny thing, and in this case ten seconds later or earlier and I would have missed this chance meeting.  So this man walks passed me and I don’t see his face at first but the back of his head, and his gate is a bit different.  I knew almost right away what I was looking at, my wife on the other hand had no idea and may have thought that I was having stroke, nope I was looking at the Champ and my chance meeting was about to occur.  I tell the wife “hey thats the champ Conor McGregor“, in her really cute voice she sates ‘who”, I said the champ the biggest fighter in the world right now, at which she says ‘OK”.  So like a hippo chasing a cheetah, I follow after the man and sure enough it’s the man himself.  He looked like he didn’t want to take the photo at first but was gracious enough to do so, and I appreciated that.  He turned smiled and took the photo.  We didn’t think or even count on seeing the man but there he was, and the chance meeting happened.  My wife took the photo blasted it to social media, of course after googling who he was, and I guess that makes if official since it’s now on Facebook.

Well back on the path to food, we landed ourselves at L. Mulligans again to grab a bite to eat and enjoy another drink.  We were almost walking hunched over at this point with our backs, knees, and feet hurting from all the miles we have been logging walking around town.  It was nice to get out of the misty rain that had been falling for most of the day and relax for a few moments.  We order Scotch Eggs, and Bison burgers.  Awesome, and I highly suggest them, not because I have taken a liking to L. Mulligans but because they were really good.  We drank a couple of Jameson and Gingers and headed out, last stop was going to be the grocery store for some more Captain Morgan so we could go to the room relax, and have a nightcap.  I let the wife read this story so far and got the thumbs up for some minor editing but many for her approval, as my chief editor I need to run things past here just to make sure I haven’t said to much or to  little.  Well time to enjoy some alone time.  See you tomorrow.

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Day 4 in Dublin – The Last Dance

Our First stop for the day was to be the Kilmainham Gaol, a hostirical prison that held many of the more famous political prisoners during the Easter Rising Rebellion, The War of Independence, and the Civil war for Ireland.  If you want a get a quick lesson in Irish history this is the tour to take.  Plus the jail has a few creepy aspects to it.  We walked back through the Modern Art Museum one more time, there is an amazing Garden on the grounds that is absolutely elegant to walk through.  If you have the chance I highly recommend seeing the parks and gardens throughout the city.  Phoenix Park is massive but beautiful, St. Stephens Green as well, and the gardens at the Art Museum are all well worth the time.  Your eyes will thank you.

The rest of the day was filled with walking around Dublin doing a little shopping and just taking in the sights one last time.  Along our way back we stopped at Jameson for one last Jameson and Ginger, and a little shopping.  We continued to walk back until we hit L. Mulligans to fill up another glass or two.  We left Mulligans headed to the grocer and grabbed some wine and pizza so that we could head back to the apartment and start packing.  So there we were eating Tangy Cheese Doritios, waiting on a shitty 4 cheese pizza, and drinking some wine.  It was a great moment though we got to sit, drink, and reminisce about the week we just had.  There is nothing better than reflecting on the time you just had and knowing that you had it with not just your wife but your best friend.  We had a blast and will truley miss Ireland.  It will surely always bring a smile to our faces.

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Day 5 Dublin – Departure day

Up bright an early so that we could clean all twenty square feet of the apartment we were in.  We also had to pack, which took all of ten minutes.  It is amazing how slow time seems to move when it’s finally time to go home.  Gary the driver was waiting out front patiently for us.  The drive was quick yet quiet as passed through the streets of Dublin.   I won’t bore you with us sitting at the airport playing on our phones waiting for our flight.  Just know that if you ever want to take a vacation over the pound I would suggest starting with Ireland.  No shit right, but honestly the beer is great and the people are even better.

See you in the Future – Thee Time Traveler

Links below are some of the services that we used and recommend.

Aer Lingus

Aer Lingus Airline – The plane was excellent and the service on the plane was great.  Prices were very competitive, and best of all it was a comfortable flight.

Home Away – Greats vacations Places

We found our place on Home Away, we love this site.

Glencourt Apartments

The apartment that we stayed in was great.  If you are looking for a similar experience talk to Liam Travers.  [email protected]

I can’t say enough about Liam and the resources that he provided.  The room had everything we needed, and the suggestions he left us were spot on.

For a list of the bars that we went to check out my story on DOW ( The Ireland Edition) coming this week on Hisvault.com

Ireland “Home of Great Beer and Even Better People” For my tenth anniversary the wife and I decided to go to Ireland.  This pleased me beyond belief. 

#conor mcgregor #dublin #home away #Ireland #pubs #traveler #vacation