#it feels like the longest nightmare i've ever fucking had

[journalsouppe]

I initially played ACNH for 300 hours in between release day - july of 2020, and never played the 2.0 update or the HHP dlc until recently! So I decided to make a second ACNH spread with the goals to: experience as much of the 2.0 update as possible, beat HHP, complete all the bugs and fish in the museum (I have the fossils done and I will finish art another time).

I had a ton of fun but this was the longest grind I've ever done. I still have nightmares waiting like 5 hours for that damn giraffe stag to spawn my fucking god. Super worth it though bc this was the first time catching all bugs and fish even though I've played CF and NL :}

The Lily of the Valley sticker is a freebie I got from MariKrekeler!

Writing typed below!

rating: 8.5 played: sp 2023 port: nintendo switch favorite? Y replayable? Y recommend? Y series: animal crossing

comments:

Dagnel (YT) inspired me to pick the game back up

I look so cute in my work uniform >.<

the hopeful goal is to finish bugs, fish, and flowers

forcing the villagers on vacation to work and go to school is wild T^T

I love the evolution of adding new items like partitions and nature sounds

I didn't expect to do check-ups

OMG IT'S BAMS BDAY WHEN I PLAY AGAIN AND JULIAN IS HERE (my two faves)

decorating all the buildings does get tiring

i really love the venue decor

Bam gave me the pumpkin soup recipe while wearing my fruits basket sweater T^T!!!!!!!!!!

i can only play in short bursts as it's not as fun when playing alone and it's so grindy and long

an apparel shop is a really fun idea

kk concert goes pretty hard

IT TOOK FIVE FUCKING HOURS TO CATCH THE GIRAFFE STAG T^T

i haven't played aa4 yet but klavier reminds me of Julian esp bc julian was also in a band and had a falling out with a band member (ive played aa4 since then and can confirm theyre the exact same person lmfao)

8 FUCKING HOURS FOR THE MAHI MAHI

okay the rest of the writing is my checklist of bugs and fish i needed to catch and ... yall im not typing that who cares about that anyways T_T

Summary

This was brutal. I curse the name of giraffe stags, mahi-mahis, and Dagnel. I had a lot of fun with HHP and I'm happy to be done with 3/4 of the museum, but my god at what cost? I wish my 2020 self did like a small grind to get these pier fish because why the hell did it take me 8 hours for the mahi-mahi T^T. Enough complaining, I highly enjoyed happy home paradise. I never played HHD for ACNL so this was a fun surprise and I loved the range of homes you could design. I also loved how there were overarching goals to complete: school, cafe, restaurant, hospital, clothing store, and when those were all done you were treated to a KK rave. I also enjoyed seeing my favorite villagers again and getting to play in seasons I hadn't previously played in ACNH. I have mixed feelings about Harv's island. I like that a ton of characters are brought back but I think some of them could've been integrated on the onto the main island better, like reese and cyrus having an add on to nook's shop and also give us another nook shop upgrade T^T. I miss playing with friends but it seems I might be making plans to play with Grimspark! Perhaps in the future I'll pick up this game again to finish art and flowers but that'll be in 2024 me problem. Tired of grinding T^T.

#journalsouppe #bullet journal #journal #video game journal #acnh #animal crossing #animal crossing new horizons

[rockroselazuli]

TOA Anniversary Munday

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is.

Repost, don't reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing!

Happy anniversary, TOA! Here's to many more years spent together.

Tagging: myself

Name: rai

Pronouns: he/him

Birthday (no year): december 28th

Where are you from? What is your time zone?: colorado! mountain time zone

Roleplay experience: ooooohh my god um. like 15 years maybe?? most recently on twt. i used to rp on tumblr back in high school though and i'm SO glad to be back cause i missed it. rping on twt is awful i need to be able to write three thousand words in one post

Got any pets?: my kitty selkie :)

Favorite time of year: autumn.. i love pretty leaves and comfortable weather and halloween and pumpkin flavored things god bless

Some interests and things you like: drawing, audio drama podcasts, birds, sugar, cosplaying, horror

Some funfacts & trivia about you:

i collect plushies

i have 14 tattoos and my next one is gonna be grima

i write original stories and someday i'm gonna make a webcomic

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play?: pokemon, animal crossing, other miscellaneas things

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: type is flying & pokemon is absol. my absolute belovedoh my god that was not supposed to be a pun

How did you get into Fire Emblem?: my childhood friend was really into radiant dawn and told me all about it and then i mentioned it to my dad and he was like "oh yeah fire emebeleme i wanted to try out one of those games" so he bought radiant dawn bc it was the one i talked about and. we did not know it was a sequel for the longest time.

What Fire Emblem games have you played?: 7, 9 & 10, 11 & 12, 13, 14, 16, 17

First Fire Emblem game: radiant dawn

Favorite Fire Emblem game: awakening

Any Fire Emblem crushes? 😳: g.. gregorgy. also sephiran and naesala. and rafal why is gregory the only human here

If you’ve played the following games, who was your first S support? Who would you S support nowadays?

- Awakening: tharja. now i would gaius if i wasn't so attached to him being inigo's father always

- Fates: silas. now uhhh mmmm?? m. i don't know WAIT. keaton

- Three Houses: i don't remember?????? what the fuck. um. oh nevermind it was claude lmao of course it was claude. and i would do it again

- Engage: no one i uh. seem to have completely missed the chance somehow. anyway i'm going for alfred this time cause alfred/alear is everythign to me

Favorite Fire Emblem class: KINSHI KNIGHT but basically just archers in general. and DANCERS i love them

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class?: um.. idk but i'd like to think i'd be the donnel archetype cause aptitude is my only chance

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation?: golden deer!!

If you were an Engage character, which Emblem would you Engage with?: either micaiah bc i like her or um. yeah. i would go with claude also but not when the Other Two are in there can you imagine the bickering

How did you find TOA?: a couple of my mutuals on twt are here!! waves at them

Current TOA muses: yeehaw

Who was your first TOA muse? If you don’t have them anymore, could you see yourself picking them up again?: not toa but my first fire emblem muse ever was volug. yeah i could write him again

Have you had any other TOA muses?: not yet but stay tuned

Do you think you have a type of character you gravitate towards?: yeah lmao. i've got a couple archetypes that hit me like a train every time

What do you believe you enjoy writing the most?: characters with weird ass emotions

Favorite TOA-related memory: i haven't even been here a month yet but this event is really fun

How do you pronounce TOA? 🤔: just the letters lol

Got any delusions that didn’t see the light of day that you’d like to share? 😉: back when i was on twtrp i kinda wanted to pick up ashe but then. i didn't. because ferp on twt is a nightmare and ashe was a popular character (i was cyril. safe in my little bubble)

#×{{ ooc }} #{{ i literally just got here but hi everyone }}

[linaamm]

I need my therapist, but I can also vent to you guys.

In Norway, it's 2 am. right now, and I can't sleep. I need to study and prepare myself for this massive history test I have next week, but I just can't shut off my head. I can't turn off my thoughts. I keep thinking about everything I slowly keep forgetting in life. Does that make sense in any way?

You see, I'm 28 years old soon, and I have lived the longest life one possibly can imagine at such age. I've lost family to sickness. I've lost dear friends to drugs and violence. I myself have been a victim of brutal domestic violence, and I also lived through unnecessary, unspeakable violence from other people whom i didn't even know the name of.

I've been beaten, done heavy drugs, and I was placed in the system. I've almost died so many times. I've had cancer, countless OD's, and so much self-harm over so many years. I've also been in prison. The only man I ever truly loved with all my heart, who I knew for over half my life, died next to me. Many years later, I was married to a narsissist and thankfully got out.

These are just some of the things I've been so lucky to live through. There's more. I could write a whole book about my life, and I truly believe it would sell well, but I won't. Not because it hurts to think about it, because it does, but because I can't remember. At this point, it has become so much for me to bear that my memory shuts down completely. And even though things are good now and I live a beautiful life, doing good in school and having awesome people around me, it's too late. My brain can no longer keep hold of memories because of all the continuously heavy trauma over so many years. My brain can create new memories, but it let's go of them just as fast as it creates them. I'm not sure what that condition is called in English, but it looks a lot like dementia ("kognitiv hukommelsesvikt" in norwegian if someone is curious). IM 27 YEARS OLD DAMMIT.

I can gladly forget all the bad stuff. But it's not only the bad stuff that at some point will be gone forever. It's also the good stuff. Family vacations, various celebrations with good friends, peoples names and faces, the man I loved so FUCKING much. All the laughs, drinks, hugs, places, EVERYTHING will be gone at some point. I keep getting sadder and sadder because I keep noticing the small, beautiful things I forget in life on a daily basis, and it sucks.

Over the past 6-7 years, I've been writing journals. Almost daily. But not once I could make myself read some of them later on. And I keep lying here until 3 a.m., thinking, why, JUST WHY, do I even bother writing everything down when it's all gonna be gone from my memory at some point? If I were to read these journals again, it won't feel like my memories, it will just be someone's else sad life stories.

So I have no choice but to live in the moment. Accept it and just let go. But it's so fucking sad, and no one can do anything about it. It doesn't help with therapy. It doesn't help to talk about what hurts because i can't remember anymore. It's pitch black. It's only a strange, hurtful, but weirdly familiar feeling that I have that reminds me that all this fucked up shit has happened, nothing more. In a fucked up way, it's fine because I don't get flashbacks or nightmares or diagnoses like PTSD and stuff like that. My brain just shuts it out completely. We've tried to make me remember. The people in white coats tried so hard. But with no luck.

So that kept me up tonight. Shit I can't even remember.

If you red this far, thank you so much for your time. You may think it isn't much, but it really is. I always used to vent here when I first started using this platform, and it helped me so much. 💖

It's now 02:55

#blog post #hurts #venting #i need a hug #late night thoughts #depressing shit #carry on #memory loss #shutdown

[purposelynana]

What Did I Watch: #32

This week, what? Been drowning in work and Eid. But I'm back.

Step By Step was a nightmare and it was fucking good. Nightmare is such an understatement. It was thorough portrayal on being a corporate slave. That's why I called it nightmare. And a blessing.

For the longest we'd been served by half-assed representation about office workers. Before Step By Step, there was A Boss and A Babe, and I swear to God I should know from the title alone, this would be a complete trash. And also Bed Friend, where definitely the focus wasn't on the office. Too bad. I know the sex scene was the talk of the town, but well lemme emphasize once more, if you want to watch porn, just watch porn, instead of pushing porn onto contemporary show. Or at least if you take out the porn, it still makes a decent story.

Yet Step By Step is different. It was scary because how similar it was to my office life. I had this unsettling feeling while watching it. I don't think it was bad per se, but definitely that was something I don't want to repeat. Yes, this is written by someone who has been in the office, worked in the office and maybe get abused in the office. And for the love of God, thank you for its depiction of office love story that it's believable. Love in the office does happen very slowly, delicate (dude it'll involve HR at some point it has to be delicate), and full of understanding.

Such a good watch.

Skam-fication of Korean BL.

The Eight Sense is why we need Evak-coded characters grace our screen. The moment Jihyun and Jaewon met is a constant reminder that to me Skam will always be the greatest queer media out there. Because it was true to themselves. And heck, I don't think anything will ever get close to it, until now. Wow.

There was no necessary side couple. Weird filler. Every scene has its purposes and actually push the narrative. The characters did develop. Great cinematography and directing. Phenomenal acting by rookies??? And I had the loudest sigh after finishing it. Thank God for your mercy.

I got shredded in pieces, then stitched bit by bit, and the wound healed in the most pleasant way. I lived by angsty stories and beautiful resolve. From time to time, I wonder when will we get a story that it's just beautifully heartbreaking and still giving a sense of hope at the end of its run. Maybe it will take so many years and a great deal of trial and error until finally we're going to come across something like this.

And finally on a whim, I decided to watch La Pluie. No idea why. Perhaps because the color palette on it seemed soft. Or the idea of having to listen to your soulmate on the rain sounded too whack but somehow I was convinced of the world building that had been going on in the back. Plus, this little pulp never wasted any moment and I appreciate that. There are plots going on in the times when BL just having only vibes without substantial context.

My only beef for now, is the sound. The background sound was too loud, sometimes buried the surrounding sound that supposed to come out. Such as when they talked on the side of the road, I barely couldn't hear any cars or as simple as other people talks. It lessen the believability of this world.

Yet, it's still a good recommendation. Up till now it doesn't make my blood boil for having some stupidity shit that no one couldn't explain. Fingers crossed it could land smoothly. Well somehow it makes me think why I couldn't accept Oxygen but I could embrace this. Big question indeed.

There will be rants coming shortly....

I promised myself to watch Our Skyy then naaah. I kept thinking about the way GMM does things. I've never seen an entertainment agency that bad of handling the misbehavior of their actors. The very obvious way that the only thing they care is just making more money from shitty fan services and merchandises. To make more money from parasocial relationship that they build over time. I don't care if in real life the actors actually close or not. We suppose to don't care in the first place. It's their privacy, in which should not be trading commodities. It's fucked up. Our Skyy is a trading commodity. Well, it has always been trading commodities. But at least don't make that obvious. Dolls, blanket, snacks, it's not fucking smooth at all. I'm bothered. It's not helping the narrative. The narrative is already over. It is a walking ads. That's for sure. You're fucked when the dolls is the one taking over the discussion rather than the story. But well, these days who cares right? People need money, not some substantial storytelling. Not every production house can act like HBO right?

#step by step #the eight sense #la pluie #our skyy rants #what did i watch

[insomniac-astronomer]

1,17,18 with nat

Natasha Romanoff x Reader: Nightmare

Anotha one

Hell yeah, this community is kinda popping off. Thank you to this anon! Anyway my lovelies, please enjoy!

Prompts: "Why are you here?", "You broke it.", and "Close the door."

Description: Reader is having a nightmare totally not based on a real nightmare I had last night and Natasha decides to investigate the late-night screaming.

Gender: neutral! No pronouns used!

WARNINGS: nightmare, swearing, something breaks

*not my gif*

The man closes his eyes. The police have almost caught up to you.

"What's happening?" You shout at your friend. He gives you only a blank stare. "What did you do?!"

Then, you feel yourself being teleported. The lights and the spinning. You're getting too dizzy.

Wake up.

Wake up.

"Wake up!"

You awake and immediately jump to your feet. Someone's hand reaches up to grab your arm and you take it, yanking the person forward. Your finger catches on a bracelet they're wearing and it tears away.

"Y/N, stop! It's me, Natasha!" A strangled yell comes from the person.

That's when you snap into reality. "Oh, shit. I'm so sorry!"

You lean down and Nat sits, fixing her hair. She runs her hand over the blankets desperately until she finds something.

"You broke it!" She is holding up a simple silver bracelet.

"Fuck, Natasha, I'm so sorry! I'll fix it or buy you a new one!" Your vision starts to fill with tears. "I'm so sorry."

"My sister gave it to me." Natasha stares at it. There is a moment of silence.

"Why are you here?" Natasha isn't your friend. The two of you hardly talk past missions. In fact, this might be the longest conversation you've ever had with her.

She sniffles. "I heard screaming and I came to check on you."

"Oh," you whisper. "And then I broke your bracelet."

She nods.

"Shit, I'll take it to a jeweler's tomorrow and have it fixed." You fold your arms around your legs, making yourself smaller in your shame.

"It's okay, you don't have to. 'S not like it was expensive or anything."

"But you said your sister gave it to you?"

She nods again.

"I didn't know you had a sister," you can't help but remark.

"Well, not biological." Natasha lets out a stifled laugh.

"Where is she now?" You figure you at least owe her a conversation for helping you out.

She shakes her head. "I have no idea. She sends me stuff from all over. The bracelet was from a little market in Karachi."

"Karachi? What's that?" You smile and start to lean back against the headboard. You gesture for Natasha to sit next to you.

She has her hair braided down her back. She's wearing a tang-top and shorts. She looks so domestic and vulnerable like this. You have to admit, this is a very appealing look for her.

"It's in Pakistan." Natasha sighs. She looks much more relaxed.

"And why was your sister in Pakistan?"

"I don't know, she works for some agency." She puts air quotes around the last word. "Her letter said there was some superhuman abilities spotted in the area."

"Ah," you pretend to completely understand, making Natasha laugh ever so lightly.

There is another moment of silence.

"Hey, Y/N?" Natasha breaks the tension.

"Yeah?"

"Why don't you ever talk to me?"

You pause, not expecting that at all. "To be honest, I thought you were trying to avoid me."

She shakes her head. "You're so friendly to everyone but me."

"You always look so tough and-" you catch her facial expression and tread lightly. "You just never look like you want anyone to talk to you."

"Hm," she hums. "Not on purpose."

You laugh. "Okay, well, if you want, we can be friends."

Natasha gives you a smile. "Yeah, I'd like that."

You smirk. "Not so tough now, are you?"

She looks away.

A pain strikes your heart. "I'm sorry. That was mean."

"I've always been secretive." Natasha says. "I'm working on being more open."

"That's good." You feel awful. "I will always be here to listen and not make rude comments."

"Well, now you've ruined it." Natasha sits up. "I'm never gonna talk to you." She's laughing.

"No, stop, c'mon!" You pull her back down. "Why are you awake this late, anyway?"

"Um, it's only eleven." She gestures to the clock.

You face-palm. "Dammit, this is gonna be a long night."

"Good thing you have me, then." She nudges your shoulder.

"Yeah, wow, what would I ever do without you?"

"Well you'd still be having that nightmare."

"Mm, debatable." You twist your head to the side like a puppy. "I was pulling myself out just before you woke me up."

"Okay, yeah, sure."

"Yup, this is gonna be a long night."

Nat laughs. "No, we'll have fun."

"Shouldn't you be going to bed?" You sit up so you can see her face.

She freezes for a moment. "Yeah, well, I don't do well in dreamland, either."

"Oh," you say. Then, you lean down and give her a tight hug. She doesn't move for just a moment before moving her arms around you, holding very tight. There is a little shake in her head on your shoulder, so you pull her even tighter.

The hug lasts a solid two minutes, neither of you ready to give up the new-found warmth and love.

"Alright," you start to pull away. "Wanna watch a movie?"

Natasha sniffles again with a laugh. "Sure."

"Okay. Go close the door." You smile.

Sorry, it's a bit short. Anyway, thanks for reading! No stealing, I will find u

Buy me a coffee?

#natasha romanoff #fanfictions #marvel x y/n #marvel x reader #avengers x reader #natasha x reader #natasha x you #natasha x y/n #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff fanfic #marvel fanfiction #avengers x y/n #avengers x you #black widow x y/n #black widow x reader #black widow fanfiction #black widow fic

[natequarter]

for the writing ask: 19, 22, and 23!

19: Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (A favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, a trope you can’t get enough of?)

god, yeah. i overuse the verb murmur way too fucking often, it's a nightmare. this is because murmur works as both flirtatious and sad and i have a lot of both of those in my writing right now. similarly, kiss... someone needs to come up with a new word for kiss. please. i can't keep living like this <- overuses the word kiss

22: Do you reread your old works? How do you feel about them?

i do! a lot, mostly when i'm bored. there's a 50/50 chance i either hate them or think they're brilliant, more towards the hate side the older they are. my very first ghosts work is (unsurprisingly) not very good, but on the other hand i still love my second ghosts fic, so it kinda depends

23: What’s the story idea you’ve had in your head for the longest?

probably the bbc ghosts vampires au. saying 'the vampires au' probably shows how long i've been thinking about it... it's such an in-depth au and i've only ever posted (or finished) one work on it, which is annoying, because my god do i have a lot of lore for this au. it's just kind of an entity to me now, the vampires au. it has an undeath of its own

(link)

#asks

[blisshellfire]

Sleep

Rating: Explicit

Warning: Graphic violence

Relationships: Nightmare x Original Character

Characters: Nightmare, Edge, Red, Original Charcter

AU: Sirentale

Additional tags: smut with plot, content warnings in end notes

.

In a backwater town, Nightmare never ceases to find prey in the shallows of a local marina. Day in and day out, he hunting the predators that once plagued his childhood.

Then one day it all changed. A human with a smile like sunshine beckons him to hide. He lives another day. With a human of all things to thank for it.

This was by far the longest one shot that I've ever edited.

In the original edit once it was typed, I had it at 8k. By the time I finished editing it and making sure all the tensing and spelling was good, it bloomed to 15-16k.

I now understand why smut fics are so goddamn long.

I don't feel like a genuis as I did after I finished editing Part 5 of this fic but I still feel pretty happy about it. Scared about how people may receive it, if anyone actually reads it but like... idk, I'm feeling pretty happy that I tried to share it at all.

It's by far the most plot heavy smut one shot that I've written. I'm hoping to extend it into a longer series. Like do a couple big smut fics when a pair hit a certain level of development but otherwise play it as something more like a bunch of horny roommates with trauma.

Either way, it feels good to finish. I've been getting pretty good about editing and moving past writers block but this one had me for like 2-3 days before I finally buckled down and decided to figure out this knot.

Luckily it was fun writing the additions because like fuck, if I didn't enjoy it, it would've been the most painful edit of my life XD.

Got no clue what I'll write after this.

Probably not smut though lol. I'm tired and its 2am.

#blilss talks #undertale fanfic

[oleanderblume]

Screaming into the void on this one. TW for trauma talk, csa, resurfacing memories n shit.

So I come home to my parents house about once a month for around a week. It's when I'm off work and really have nowhere else to be (until now thank fucking god)

I stayed in their guest room, which was my old room when I was a kid.

So...I've been trying to leave and move to another country, and my brain, being the dissociative asshole that it is, likes to flood trauma memories when I'm in a particular mindset. Typically it's when I'm feeling "safe" as in: I'm not currently being abused or traumatized on a daily basis.

Well recently its been flooding me every time I get closer to leaving, and it floods me with these highly specific memories that all have to do with my dad.

Now like, I've been abused my whole life, in a multitude of ways, including by my dad. My major shit is with sexual abuse, always has been, probably always will be. And most of what I've got came from my neighbor.

This stuff is not.

And like...it's been in contention on more than ine occasion, because of how big the blanks are and where they fit in our personal timeline. But now it feels like someone opened the fucking floodgates because it's all I get ever now. Just him. Just stuff with him.

I'd been dreading coming home because I didn't want to interact with my parents. My mom knows about some of the abuse (though I'm beginning to believe she knows much more than she lets on) and she tends to very fucking deliberately trigger me. Specifically over CSA stuff.

It's been this cycle of remembering things and then pushing them down for a week, then they come back up again, and if I ask about it or mention certain shit from when I was in that specific age range, I get a full dose of gaslighting.

No one in my family ever really like, paid attention to me, so my memories and feelings are pretty isolated, and it's been years so it's only me and the potential perpetrators who could corroborate my story, and those people are my parents. So of course they won't.

Anyways...I'm gonna talk about the memories now.

Essentially they took place when I was 11-14(?) And for the longest time I thought they might have just been a weird dream.

I'm just standing in my door and my dad is standing in front of me, talking about how my mom is mad at him and that he loves me and loves me like he loves her. I think you know where I'm going with this :/

I have other ones too. Mostly at night. He worked night shift so he would come home at 2 or 3 in the morning, and I can't tell if it's a real memory or not but he would come in my room to do stuff.

I don't know what to make of it. I don't want it to be real, that would be pretty fucking psychologically damaging. .

But here's the fucking kicker right?

I'm trans. I was recently home for several weeks because I had gotten top surgery and I had no choice but to stay with my parents for that time. While I'm heavily incapacitated, on lots of pain drugs, and sleeping a vast majority of the day.

I'm not new to nightmares. But I don't usually talk in my sleep, or beg. The only time I remember doing so was with a friend who had startled me awake because he touched me and I said "please don't" (context being my ex bf used to SA me while I was sleeping)

Ever since I stayed there after surgery and every time I stay there now, I get unbelievably paranoid. Like, can't sleep comfortably paranoid, and especially around my parents.

I had several nightmares about being touched and stuff, and like. It's different because I'm an adult, legally and all.

My parents don't really view me or any of my siblings as adults, let alone thinking, breathing people. They view us very similarly to objects that they can surround themselves with to look pretty and control through fear, pain, and extortion. Always sort of been that way.

It's gotten particularly bad since my sister pulled her son from them because my mother physically abused him. So she directs her anger at me because she can't punish my sister. She also directs her anger at me for being trans. Idfk probably some like, ownership issue she has with my body or whatever the fuck.

Point I'm getting at is basically: I'm pretty sure my parents knew, facilitated, and covered up at least a portion, if not all of my csa. And because they are especially mad at me for being not what they want, and also costing them (inadvertently) access to their grandson— that it might not have stopped(?)

They know I have DID. They gaslight the fuck out of me until I stopped talking about it, but they know it's there, they know I forget things and repress shit, and even if I haven't, they know how to gaslight incredibly well. My mom especially.

There are blindspots in my brain that make taking advantage of that stuff especially easy.

So...I came home the other night, stayed for a couple of days with my parents. My dad stayed up with me and my brother until we went to bed. He stayed up a little longer.

But I'd gone to bed. I'd forgotten to lock the door, but I fell asleep pretty quickly. But I kept waking up. I woke up cause I heard my dad walking around the house, talking. But they were that fleeting sort of waking where it's only a few words before you roll over and go back to sleep.

I had a nightmare that he came into the room and did things. I think it was a nightmare, at least. I do t know. It didn't feel like a normal nightmare and I woke myself up asking for my mom like a little kid. And I remember...certain things...that aren't easily replicated in a dream.

I of course asked him the next day if he'd gotten up some time in the night to do something, but he said no.

I don't like talking g about this. Because it's basically speculation and speculation on a thing I so viscerally do not want to be true. I worry that I make stuff up, convince myself of a reality that doesn't exist and then react to that as though it does. Idk.

It's especially hard because the next day my mom triggered the ever loving fuck out of me and then got mad at me for shutting down the conversation because no, I in fact do not like hearing what pedophiles say to children while they hurt them. It's fucking triggering. Especially after the night previous.

She's been making constant remarks on my size or weight, most often saying I look pregnant, asking if I'm pregnant. Which is impossible, because I don't have enough sex with other people for that to even be a concern.

The one that bugged me was her remark after I'd come back home after being legitimately assaulted, she said I looked 3 months pregnant :/ which is literally impossible because I'd have had to had sex while I was fucking UNCONSCIOUS and healing from surgery.

Most of this is just rambling sorry. It's 1 am and I need to sleep but I needed to say something somewhere, sorry.

[alittlesimp]

sunrise - pianist!dazai x reader

a/n: ITS FINALLY HERE ITS FINALLY HERE ITS FINALLY HERE!!! it's the longest thing i've ever written (3k hehe) but i hope it's worth the read <33

warnings: depression, alcohol, some swearing

Every day he’d pass the public piano in the subway.

He’d never pay much attention to it as he was usually in a hurry. Not that it was played a lot. Most of the time, a group of teenagers would slam random keys to annoy passersby. Or some young beginner would try to play the song they’d just learned, timing painfully off.

That subway piano was so far removed from his world.

Playing the piano was his job, and while it started as a hobby and grew into a passion, the love he had for the instrument had long grown cold.

Sure, he played perfectly, he’d been praised time and time again for his technical prowess, but inside he felt empty. He knew something was missing, something he desperately had tried to fix, to no avail. The awards and praise he got meant nothing to him, he didn’t deserve them. It made him feel like a sham.

He tried to fill the hole with questionable behavior, trying to ruin his reputation. How he wished for someone to expose him, for just one scandal to ruin his career. But for every heart (and window) he broke, his popularity grew. In the end, he just gave up.

So instead, he’d make his way through the subway station every day, paying no mind to the public piano, hurrying to catch the subway which he rode until it returned to the very same station he got on it.

It had been his daily ritual for years now. The subway felt like an escape from his everyday life. There were many people there with their own normal lives, going different places, yet everyone had to take the same subway train, just sitting and waiting until they arrived at their station.

But even here, he felt different. Unlike everyone else, he had nowhere to be. He just sat there, book untouched on his lap, listening in on conversations to catch just a whiff of humanity, imagining himself taking part in them.

Then he’d go back home, back to practicing for his upcoming concert, back to this nightmare he just couldn’t seem to wake up from.

Until he heard you play that stupid, out-of-tune public piano.

Before he could think twice, he stopped in his tracks, making someone bump into him. He absentmindedly muttered an apology, completely enthralled by the playful melody coming from the piano. It was very simple, nothing compared to what he normally played, but the simplicity was what gave it charm. Normally he wouldn’t even have paid any attention to it, but the way he could feel your happiness, your joy just from the way you played shocked him. It completely filled the station yet made it seem so empty, like you were the only one there and everyone had simply walked in on your practice.

He walked closer, needing to see what you looked like. He could feel his heart beating louder with every step he took. He couldn't figure out why. A few more steps, and there you were, a smiley, bubbly figure on that little uncomfortable bench, friends surrounding you, dancing and cheering you on. And fuck, he finally realized what he was missing.

It made him feel afraid. Afraid he somehow wasn't able to make a normal human connection, that he was missing a piece of humanity others did seem to have. Afraid he'd never solve his problem. Afraid that you thought he was some weird pervert who was staring at you.

Forgetting about his longtime ritual, Dazai turned around and rushed home. The walk to his apartment never felt more strenuous. The moment he closed his front door behind him, he collapsed on the floor, tears streaming down his face. It was like every single emotion he had bottled up over the years suddenly came out. Why did no one ever tell him what to do, give him some kind of direction or meaning in life, why did they have to leave him to figure it out himself? Why did everyone have to leave him?

Looking up, he saw the sheet music for his upcoming piece on the piano. He was so mad. Mad at you for giving him this feeling despite not even noticing him. Mad at himself for feeling this way. Mad at that worthless piece of sheet music nobody would like. Scrambling to his feet, the paper was already in his hands and ripped to shreds before he could even think.

He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down, but his heart kept racing. What was he supposed to do? He had no idea how to calm himself down, or more importantly - how he was supposed to fix himself. The only thing he could think of was to throw himself back into his work. Maybe if he drowned his feelings again, he'd be okay again. All he needed to do was to get through his concert, perhaps he could try again then. He promised himself, but deep down he knew he wasn't going to keep it. He had to bury himself in practice, it was the only coping mechanism he knew.

But the more he practiced, the more he felt like quitting. Of course, he'd said he wanted to quit before, but the feeling had never been this intense and real. Usually, he said it out of boredom, everything seemed so easy to him, but now everything he played didn't sound good enough. It was just notes in a room, devoid of any emotion. If it wasn't for the technical difficulty of the piece, it could’ve just as well been played by a beginner. He felt so frustrated.

Empty bottles and takeout containers surrounded him. He had no idea what time it was, or what day it even was, he just sat at his piano and played. He only got up to take a walk around the room to cool off. At those moments his mind went back to you sitting at that subway piano. If only he could tell you. Then he’d go back to playing until his fingers cramped.

He woke up to the sound of his door being unlocked. Still half-asleep, he decided to ignore it. Whoever it was, they were not worth waking up for.

“Osamu,” a familiar female voice called out to him. He heard footsteps walk past him, towards the window. “Get up and shower, you have a concert to give and we still have to go to the dry cleaners to get your suit.” He heard the sound of curtains being opened and light flooded his apartment. God, he was hungover. His head was pounding.

“See, I knew you’d be like this, so I brought aspirin and cranberry juice. Drink up.” He just groaned in response. Five more minutes…

The woman walked past again, towards his kitchen. “You know, in my many years as manager, I have never had a client this difficult. It wouldn’t harm you to pick up my calls every once in a while, y’know? Oh Jesus, how long has this been here? Do you ever clean?” Whatever it was, it had now been thrown into the trash can. Surely he wouldn’t miss it. The footsteps got closer.

“Come on, take a shower, you smell horrible. These people paid to see you, you can’t let them down.” She kicked his knee. Ow. Begrudgingly, he got up from his piano bench. He felt like shit, but he had to just get through this and then he could let everything out. He slowly and wobbly made his way to the shower.

“You know, if I didn’t see any potential in you, I would’ve ditched you a long time ago.”

He gave her a skeptical look. “Fuck, I’m bad at this. Listen, I don’t know exactly what’s going on in that massive brain of yours, but don’t think so low of yourself. You’ll do fine.”

A painful few hours later, it was finally time for the concert. He had tried everything to get out of it, pretending to be sick (“I know you’re lying”), pretending a friend was in the hospital (“You don’t have any friends”). He had even tried to sneak out of the car when his manager went to get his suit. He did not get very far.

He just didn’t feel ready for it. It wasn’t just the hangover, he had dealt with that before. He felt not good enough, almost anxious to get on stage, a very new feeling to him. Normally he just went on and played, but something changed in him, a tiny voice in his head kept plaguing him with just one simple question. What if other people knew he was just an emotionless sham?

Before he knew it, it was showtime. He tried to put on his regular charming smile, but he felt like a wreck. Focusing on his music was getting harder. Every time he looked into the crowd, he could see your face somewhere. His nerves doubled. He wasn’t sure if he could continue playing if you were really here, he didn’t want you to see him like this.

He never thought he could long for someone’s approval this much, especially someone he’d only seen for a few minutes, but here he was. How low he had sunk.

Somehow he made it through the entire concert. He rushed backstage, ignoring his manager’s worried face, and opened the door to his dressing room. His reflection stared at him emotionlessly. He came to get a closer look at himself. He was pale, way too pale. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. Maybe he actually hadn't, he had no idea anymore. This suit was slightly too big on him. He’d cut himself shaving, he hoped no one had noticed. Is that a pimple?

Suddenly, his manager stood in the doorframe. “Osamu, I’d normally be super willing to listen to you rant or get a drink with you or whatever, but my girlfriend is sick. Please don’t do anything stupid.” She closed the door very softly.

“I need a drink.”

He did not expect to see you again, especially not in a place like this. You had come up to him, shoved forward by a friend who smiled mischievously. “Uhm, sir, excuse me, are you maybe the pianist? Mister Dazai?”

Your face looked flushed, although he was unsure if it was because of a blush or because of the soft orange lighting in the bar. An unexpressive look was on his face, a big contrast with your glowing, enthusiastic eyes. Despite his seeming disinterest, his heart was pounding. The bar lights made it hard to see, so he had to double-check, but it really was you.

"Ah, I'm sorry if I disrupted-"

"No, no, it's fine, I'm just a bit tired. You- you can sit, I don't mind."

He tapped the seat next to him, you timidly sat down. Was he being weird? He didn't want to scare you off with his awkwardness. Your friend finally left you two alone. Oh God, what was he supposed to say now?

"Can I buy you a drink?"

He waved at the bartender to get their attention. Next to him, you shifted uncomfortably in your seat.

"Uhm, I think I should say, I know about your… reputation and I want you to know I'm not that kind of person. I don't want to lead you on or something."

Fuck. Never had he regretted his past transgressions more.

"Those weren't my intentions at all, don't worry."

A huge smile spread on your face. It looked just the way he pictured it.

"In that case, I'd love whatever you're having."

He hadn't felt this excited meeting someone new in a long time. Piano aside, it just felt right talking to you. You intrigued him, your worldviews, your ordinary life, how you had no idea how special you were. He didn't have the courage to tell you how you haunted him.

You ended up talking until the last call came and you were ushered out by the staff. It was almost getting light again. Dazai, not being a complete asshole, walked you to your car.

"I want to see you again."

The words had left his mouth before he could think about them. Key forgotten in your hand, you turned around.

"Same time, same place tomorrow?"

Once turned into twice, and before he knew it, you were meeting up regularly. The more you hung out, the more he fell for you. But man, he was so scared. What if he accidentally dragged you down with him? Despite his instincts screaming at him to get closer to you, he tried to keep an emotional distance. Over the years he had gotten quite good at deflecting questions about his personal life, but you made it so much harder. You felt so safe.

Safe, even now. He forgot how much he had drunk, but judging from the fog in his head and the constant giggles on his lips, it was a lot.

You were next to him on your apartment floor, drunkenly cuddled up to him. The harsh light from the TV (what you had been watching was a mystery to both of you now) cast shadows on your face, perfectly outlining your lips and cheekbones. You looked stunning, so precious. He wondered if your lips were as soft as they looked. If he leaned in just a little more, he’d know. He’d probably regret it, but he had to know. Your face was so soft and warm, he could feel your breath on his lips. A sudden spark of electricity in his brain made him close the gap.

The shock sobered him up. He actually did it.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, I should go home.”

A mix of joy, panic, fear, pride, and shame flooded his brain. Hurriedly, he shot up, grabbed his stuff, and walked out your door.

He couldn’t even process what had happened until he got home. His head hurt, his heart hurt just from how much he was feeling at once. But a different kind of emptiness filled him as well. He’d gotten so close to getting what he needed, but he had fucked it up.

He had to get his emotions out of his system. He wanted to go back to his unhealthy coping mechanisms, but he didn’t want to disappoint you more than he already had. You would want him to do something healthy. His eye fell on his piano.

Sitting behind the instrument, his fingers stroked the keys like it was the first time. It felt unfamiliar, even though he obviously knew nothing could have changed. Why was he feeling so nervous? He took a deep breath and pushed.

A soft, doubtful tune filled the room. It was like his hands translated every hesitation and fear he couldn’t find the words for. His eyes were closed, longing to feel this melody more, longing to understand himself more.

The melody ended, returning his apartment to its cold, quiet state once more. Dazai opened his eyes in surprise. What had you done to him? It was like you had taken his hands and guided him back to humanity. He suddenly understood everything.

He frantically gathered the empty music pages that were scattered around his room. Maybe he could try to tell you everything he didn’t know how to say. Working through the night, he was finally done when the birds started chirping outside.

Last night’s events had, to put it lightly, worried you sick. After storming out of your apartment, Dazai had completely ignored your texts and calls. The worst scenarios filled your head, and no matter how much you tried to tell yourself he was fine, you couldn’t shake the feeling something was wrong.

That was, until you received a text from him this morning, telling you to meet him at the subway station at 9 AM. A text like this would have confused you if it was anyone else, but you had gotten used to his antics by now.

And here you were, sitting on a bench, anxiously eyeing every passerby. You didn’t want to miss him, what if he saw you first and tried to get away again? Every minute felt like an hour. You were starting to think he might not show up at all.

Until a simple, slow melody caught your ear. It was new to you, but somehow it felt so familiar. You whirled around, knowing it was him.

His back was facing you, so you couldn’t see his face, but his body language gave his emotions away. Normally, it felt like there was a wall between you two, like he was afraid of letting you in, but right now it seemed like he was finally showing you his true feelings. You were so proud of him.

Slowly but surely you step closer to him, stopping when there are only a few feet between you. You were afraid of disrupting him, but deep down, you just wanted to yell “I love you, you idiot” at him. So you just stood there like a fool, conflicted, listening to this beautiful melody that seemed to make the sun shine brighter with every note.

And just like that, it was over. You saw him let out a tiny sigh, you couldn’t make out if it was out of relief or disappointment. That was your cue to run towards him and almost choke him with a tight hug. He let out a genuine laugh that made your heart flutter.

“Hey, hey, shhh. It’s okay.”

His thumb wiped away tears on your cheek you didn’t even know were there.

“Osamu, I- it’s beautiful. I’m so proud of you.”

He chuckled and patted your hair. Softly, he pressed a kiss to your cheek and moved closer to whisper in your ear.

“I wrote it for you.”

This earned him more wet spots on his sweater when you nuzzled your tear-stained face against him. He instinctively hugged you closer, kissing the top of your head. You sat like this for a while, neither of you wanting to move.

The words came to him out of blue, but it was exactly what he had been wanting to say to you for so long now. He finally knew how to say it.

“I think I’m in love with you.”

You looked up at him, eyes huge. Of course, you had understood his feelings earlier, but after hearing him say it out loud you had finally processed it.

He had a tiny smile on his face while he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Do you want to get a coffee? Talk about it?”

All you could do was nod.

please comment/reblog if you enjoyed! i’d love to hear what y'all think <3 pspsps feel free to leave me an anon ask if ur shy tho 👉👈

#not pm!dazai specific but i had no other banner that fit the mood #this took me so fucking long #its like triple the amount of words of my longest fic so far #dazai x reader #bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #osamu dazai x reader #dazai x you #dazai x y/n #bsd #bungou stray dogs #honey writes #bsd dazai

[dreamiesdotcom]

celestial | h.rj

Summary: To attribute full sight and still have the ability to describe things to someone who's never seen them means that you've felt the world deeper than anybody else.

Word count: 2164

a/n: idk whats up with me and midnights

Renjun's first question goes like this: "What does the pool look like?"

Naturally, Jeno panics; how do you explain a pool to someone who's never seen it? He's been so used to seeing it on a daily that he didn't even pay mind to the details. He debates on describing a rectangle, and then describing the waters, and then whatever the hell his 12-year-old mind could come up with. Naturally, he fails.

For him, you saved everything that day. You grabbed Renjun's hand, intertwining your fingers before grazing the water. "Do you feel that?"

"What exactly am I supposed to feel?"

"The water. Do you feel that constant flow and the relaxing cold?" you laughed then, patient even for the moody boy. He huffs out his cheeks and nods, you let go of his hands. "That's blue, Renjun. The water reflects the sky, and a pool is like a little ocean. An ocean is like a world filled with blue."

He tries to think of it, vast and endless fields of freedom. He couldn't, though; all he's known about the sky is that it was blue, and that blue is associated with sadness. He takes advantage of the fact that someone's willing to answer his question, and he asks again, "Is it scary?"

"Mhm, for some, it is. I'll let you in a secret, come here." You nod, and then he tilts his head to the side. He hears a splash, and doesn't expect it once he hears your voice after — "I'm actually scared of swimming pools."

"Didn't you just go in?"

"No, that was Jeno. I'm here." You poked a finger on his left arm, and he could tell you're wearing that cheeky grin. His stance softens. "I'm just beside you."

###

It was morning, the sun was shining and the scorching summer heat was kinder than everyone expected it to be. Somewhere around the room, Chenle and Jisung successfully trapped a sleeping Jaemin in a domino prison, Jeno's trying to convince them why this is such a bad idea and Mark is getting scolded by Hyuck. The TV fades to background noise, the plan of cooking extra pancakes long forgotten. Renjun leans his head on your shoulders, "What does the night look like?"

It felt like an odd question to ask as the sun is halfway to its peak, but Renjun's curiosity piques in no time. You hum for a bit to think, "The night is very different to a lot of people."

Very different for a lot of people... yeah, many things in the world are like that. He figured it out years ago when you told him about the swimming pools, and the airplanes, and the rollercoasters. He figured it out when you talked to him about books, when you taught him about colors, about shapes.

He still doesn't know what different looks like, and what importance it holds.

"Hyuck loves the night. You hear his laughter, right? He likes going on adventures and feeling the wind. I think, to him, the night looks like a harsh passing of the breeze you felt when we went out on a drive." He takes in your words. These days, he gets better with understanding metaphors — he learned that blue is not just a shade of sadness, and that sky doesn't always mean blue — he understands your words better. "But me... I just sleep. I don't like the night very much."

"Huh?"

"Have you ever been in a silent place, Jun?" you asked softly. "Not the silence you can fill with music. I'm talking about blank, emotionless silence; the one that echoes. The one that haunts you. The one that makes you feel alone. That's what the night looks like for me."

Renjun wanted to nod, and he wanted to say yes because he's been in that silent place for the longest time. It's all he's ever known, and it's all that he's ever seen; it's the only thing he sees — black, echoing, loud nothingness.

He didn't, though.

Instead, he asks a question, "What do you think about the night?"

"I think it's a question." comes quickly in a reply. "I still don't know how a nightmare town gives life to dreamers, but it does. It's a question I do not want to know the answer to."

Renjun knows of the stars and the sky, and you'd tried to explain their light by telling him what blinding comfort was — think of all your loneliest moments being washed away by the fire I told you about, and that's pretty much it, 'jun — and he knows of the big, gazing moon that changes shape now and then. It's what makes up most of the night, Jeno had said, so he knows that too.

What he doesn't know is why it seems so vicious to you, and what he doesn't know is that if he could see, would he have chosen to close his eyes to not witness such complex sadness.

###

It's at times like this when solace blooms in his heart. The rest of the world seems to be fast asleep, but he's so awake, so aware, so alive. You sit beside him, yet again brought him to the place you and Jaemin frequents in, and he ignores the jealous feeling in his chest. It's at times like this that Renjun realizes he's falling.

"Your smile must look beautiful," he wonders out loud. "Can you please tell me how your smile looks like?"

"Me?" You replied nonchalantly. Your chuckle passes as cold as the night breeze, and he wonders how the poet would write themselves as poetry. The blankness of your words dulls the hope in his eyes, "I... don't like it. My eyes... they always look tired. I always look tired. I hate myself."

For a moment, he dwells on his thoughts — Jaemin's brought you here, and you're more frequent here together, and he's seen how you looked against the glimmering stars. Did he fall in love? Did he want to keep you all to himself, like a little secret? Did he want to kiss you until all spite of yourself vanishes from your soul? Jaemin must've, Renjun knows. He knows because even blind, he's aware of how beautiful you truly are; not only he's heard it from his friends, but he feels it strongly. He couldn't see the city lights that he's heard of so many times, but he knows you shine brighter than them.

Hell, he couldn't even see you — he couldn't even see anything, but he knows you do. He knows you are. You think he's wrong, that he's more gorgeous, but he reaches for your hands.

He doesn't know what beautiful looks like. He just knows that it's breath-taking, soul-stealing, ethereal, and you.

"I think you smile like euphoria. I think you smile like the sound of music boxes, those with lovely tunes," he says, eyes closed and breathing fast. "I think... "

'I love you.' oh, how he wished it's easy to say those words. He purses his lips. "...you're one of the most beautiful people I've ever met, right next to my mother."

Beside him, you chuckled and held his hands. "You're sleepy."

"I am. Right now, I'm sleepy and I know you're beautiful." He squeezes your hands, looking at the direction he knows you're at. He lets out a shaky smile, "Tomorrow, I will be wide awake and I'd still think you're stunning."

It's at times like this that Renjun realizes he's falling. It's at times like this that he fears how much he can't wait to crash.

###

Renjun's biggest fear among many is that he'll never feel like this again.

He fell too hard. He fell too quickly and too harshly and he's only noticing it now when the impact makes itself known and he couldn't stand up. He knew that he was scared, he knew that he was afraid then, but only now did he know what it truly meant to be terrified; when he's sitting beside you on the roof, feeling the wind pass by, and he couldn't help but wonder what if it's not us, but I can never love the person meant for me because they're not you?

It's a silly thing, maybe. He did not believe in many things and fate is not one of the few he believed in. He thinks that love is something you choose for yourself — it's something you decide on your own. He thinks that the only problem in 'not being made for each other' is that you relied too much on what the stars wrote, and didn't write your story on your own. What even are these stars, aside from unknown giant speckles of light? Why should they decide someone's life?

He adores them, he knows, and now he can't help his curiosity: "How do the stars look like tonight?"

"They're bright. Very bright."

He swoons at the content sigh you let out before speaking, and he lets himself indulge. It's at moments like this when he lets himself feel, where he relishes in the adoration he nestles.

"They ought to be," he whispers to himself. "They gotta be bright if they're trying to outshine you."

Giggles fades to laughter, and genuine words burn forced. He could almost taste the bitterness of your words, "You haven't seen me."

Does he need to?

"I don't need to," he concludes. "There's so much more to you than what I couldn't see."

Because it's true. All those years you held this something in you, a piece of an old soul and an unknown heavenly something you ignored just so you could spite yourself. You had this way with words, this certain understanding of the world that he's never found in someone else. Renjun thinks that to attribute full sight and still have the ability to describe things to someone who's never seen them means that you've felt the world deeper than anybody else, and to know that the world is cruel but still choose to keep your eyes open is something that should be admired.

Right now, you're the closest to him you've ever been, and he bathes in the feeling of your lips hovering above his.

"I'm a mess, Huang Renjun."

"You're an art in progress," he whispers back, eyes fluttering shut as you close what little distance you have left. "But even half-made, you're a masterpiece."

###

If somebody asked Renjun if he ever saw this coming, he'd say "Why the fuck would you even ask me that question?"

Alright, jokes aside, never in his mind did he think life would turn out this way. First of all, a lot of unexpected things have already happened, but he's stubborn so of course, that doesn't convince him. He should've felt it coming, but of course, he refused to. After all, why would he even think of his best friend laying beside him on his bed, talking about random things all night in every way domestic? Why would he even think of you two being together, whispering sweet nothings to each other? He's guilty of doing those, yes, but that doesn't mean that he knows the answer. In a spur of the moment decision, he asks another question — "Why'd you choose me?"

"You're the only one who wanted me—IT'S A JOKE! Hey, hey, I was only kidding," you laugh, finding so many things entertaining about the fact that he's unamused. He preens at the soft kiss you placed on the edge of his lips, and then even more when you whisper, "You're the only one I wanted."

Normally, this is where his heart would do those weird flips and antics. This is the time where he'd feel like he's in another world, like he's invincible and oh so lucky to be thoroughly adored by the person he loves so much.

It's only that sometimes, Renjun feels unreasonable. He's sensitive and insecure and it's so much easier to find flaws in himself than to appreciate the things that made him who he is. Sometimes, he needs to ask some things he's not exactly sure of, things much like: "Even with... even with my eyes... like this?"

And it's you, and it's never dull when it's with you, everything is always beautiful and poetic. He doesn't know where that voice was coming from, but he hears it in his mind, and it tells him to trust you.

A butterfly kiss on each of his eyelids. A hand warm on the top of his hands. The rain pours heavily outside but it's muffled enough that it's calming, and all that he can think of is warm, so warm, so loved. You hold your foreheads close and keep them close for seconds, before you press a soft kiss on his lips, "Your eyes are beautiful, my love."

And for once, Renjun's not afraid to ask — "How do they look like?"

Beautiful and so much more.

"As if something straight out of a magical dream, because you are. You are magical," you whisper, breathing in slow intervals. "You are the closest to celestial a human could be."

#nct dream #nct dream drabbles #nct dream blurbs #nct dream scenarios #nct dream imagines #nct dream x reader #nct dream one shots #nct dream fluff #renjun #renjun drabbles #renjun scenarios #renjun blurbs #renjun timestamps #renjun angst #renjun fluff #renjun imagines #blind!renjun

[themountainsays]

Isamira/Isamilo idea: Isabela and Mirabel are dating. One day, Camilo runs into Isa while looking like Mirabel and obviously Isa flirts with him and tries to act romantic towards him. Camilo's brain is going all "holy shit my cousins are dating", and he goes back to his body before things escalate. Isa threatens to kick his ass if he ever tells anyone- and then he confesses that he's had a crush on her for the longest time, but never said anything because he was worried she'd find him gross, so he understands how serious the situation is and won't mess with her and Mirabel's relationship.

Isabela is relieved for all of ten seconds before going "wait you have a crush on me?". Camilo nods. Awkward silence ensues as Isa silently wonders whether Mirabel would be okay with a poly relationship and Camilo just looks at the floor totally embarrassed, wondering if he should wait for his cousin to let him down easy or just say goodbye and pretend the whole combo didn't happen.

Omg yeeeeeeah people thinking Camilo is fucking around but he's taking things seriously because he's just as scared as everyone else. I love thay sm anon.

And ahh I've thought about Camilo finding out about isamira this way more than once I admit. Poor boy would die if the girl he likes - his cousin - starts acting that way towards him. I imagine the silly idea of turning into Mariano to receive her affection crossed his mind once or twice, though never seriously, because he knows that's immoral and a violation of trust, so it's not like he ever really considered it, more like, he thought about how much everyone would hate him if he ever did that. I feel like we need to remember everyone knows what happens to family members that fail to live up to expectations? They disappear and are erased from memory. And Camilo has been able to avoid the attention and pressure better than most, so he wants to preserve that peace. Someone finding out is his biggest fear. Not to mention, he doesn't want to violate anyone's trust! So, of course, as soon as he realizes what's going on, he turns back into himself because even if Isabela's attention was nice, he couldn't bear the thought of doing that to her. She didn't see him, she saw Mirabel. It would be cruel to fool her.

So he has his cousin's secret coming into the light, and confessing his feelings to Isabela was his greatest nightmare, but he still does it just because he knows it will make her feel safe. He knows she has a lot of fears, and he doesn't want to add more. It's actually a very sweet gesture from him. But, of course, he doesn't see himself as being brave or selfless, he just feels awkward and wants to leave.

At least they both know they are safe with each other? Maybe Mirabel later can help Camilo cope and whatnot? Not Isabela because that would be awkward, but yeah he used to be alone and now he has people who understand. Maybe Mirabel is the one to realize how sweet and beautiful Camilo's feelings for Isabela are, and if she ever begins to notice Isabela looking at Camilo in a differen way, well I think she'd be happy to suggest an arrangement.

And maybe we can shove some miramilo in there too of we're in the mood for that.

#madrigalcest #isamira #isamilo #shipcest #yeahhhh

[eulchu]

listen i fully agree with you. twitter is just a cesspool and it's best for people (not just creators, the fans too) stay off of it tbh. I'm not gonna pretend dream is perfect, but he sure isn't the person the internet makes him out to be. Controlling 23 million people that have just introduced themselves to you in the past year is literally impossible. I do like how the trend today, however, is trying to be used to lift up black creators. That's the best use I've seen of one of those things ever. The rest of it is just gross. And the situation with Karl genuinely upsets me. The boy didn't do anything. Literally the internet just wanted to bully an energetic, neurodivergent dude because he's not exactly what they want him to be. When they couldn't find anything he actually said that would be "canceleable", they made him answer for other people's actions and made up conspiracy theories. I can tell Karl is super sensitive to the way he can affect people and the idea of hurting someone is probably his worst nightmare, so I was (and am) genuinely worried for him. He gets shit no matter where he goes. I feel like Dream at least has a pretty solid support system. I'm just worried Karl may not have the same thing. (Sorry for the long message, I just wanted to talk about this a little lol)

ohh where do i start!

1. dream is flawed! and there's nothing wrong with admitting it. everyone is. i'm not gonna lie, you know i haven't been into the dreamsmp for the longest time but from what i can see i really admire his eagerness to do better and apologize for the things he's done wrong VERY thoroughly (mostly. once he's cooled down. he's not very good at dealing with confrontation). i'm not gonna pretend that i know everything that's been going on since he rose to fame nor am i a black person NOR know enough american culture to understand the correlation between his tweet and the (unintentional??) racist undertone, but i will say that today crossed a line, overall. i agree it was nice to see the poc cc threads (that's the only good thing that happened today) but man...

not only as a neordivergent person but also (as of right now, days away from graduating) a psych student, the hate and harassment he got for the "normal pills" is ridiculous. i'm not gonna get into it because i could write another whole essay about it, so all i'm gonna say is: ridiculous. and from what i've seen that's usually how it goes? same thing with the pride merch! he only did it because his fans asked for it. he has the Trevor project permanently linked to his sm accs. he's donating a shitton of money and people still tried (and ARE trying) to cancel him because his intentions are "fishy". everything he does has to get twisted into something that wasn't inherently hurtful.

and god don't even get me started on the doxxing and harassment and body shaming.... and people making a joke out of it because it's just so fucking funny! isn't it? i'm glad he's taking a break. i would've quitted everything months ago.

2. about the karl situation, this is an interesting one - you see, the first member of the dsmp i took notice of was mr karl jacobs! unlike w the rest of the dsmp, i've known karl waaay before christmas. i always had a spot for him, back when i only knew him through corpse's videos. you can imagine how that's amplified since i found out he's part of the feral boys. it was actually videos of a call between tina and karl that caught my attention and eventually led me to a lot of dsmp recs. honestly? i kinda hate that karl's lowest moment was what made me notice this whole community.

i cannot stress how awful i feel about this whole situation. and all for what? to this day i still don't know what made people be so goddamn horrible and mean to the kid. i knew almost nothing about him, except that he was friends with corpse and had met up with sapnap, and i remember when i heard about all the awful things that had been said to him on stream i went on a rage rampage and turned into the control police in yt comments. it just... doesn't compute. people kept saying 'stop saying this karl stops eating when this happens' and everyone??? went 'good'???? what the fuck? how can you sleep at night knowing you destroyed someone's mental health. i was so worried i even sent him a dm on instagram. i don't send dms. ever.

i get what you mean about the support system and yeah, i feel like dream has a big thing going on with sapnap and george? like everyone's close with everyone of course but i feel like the three are ride or die. i do however think that for karl, that's sapnap too. just based off on his personality and his relationship with karl, i like to think that he's a very strong support system for karl too.

overall i'm so glad i got to know them and i love their content but i really really wish someone would get them off the internet. they're gonna be ruined by 25 if people keep it up.

#long ask you say :) may i interest you in a long answer #i'm sorry i totally ranted my way through this #dreamwastaken #karl jacobs #dream neg #karl neg #eating disorder tw #ask #kraken45

[time-is-standing]

top 10 songs of march

the month where we are still doomed and every day gest a bit harder to survive.

1. King by XXXTENTACION

"leave me alone, I wanna go home

it's all in my head, I won't be upset if"

this song is so good, it hurts my heart to think someone feels just the way I feel about life and feelings. I could put every single line of the lyrics here and this statement would still be working fine. (I'm not doing the best mentally, btw.)

2. Star Shopping by Lil Peep

I had like 4 playlists this month. actually all of them were made for different purposes, and yet I still found my way to this one song that I've been listening to for the longest time ever. one night I was so desperate to fall asleep (but I was terrified because I've got triggered real badly and I knew nightmares were coming), that I started listening to this one. not only did I fall asleep real soon, the song got stuck in my mind so I continued to listen.

3. IDGAF (with blackbear) by BoyWithUke, blackbear

this is a recent find! I found this gem like a week ago and it's been on repeat ever since. I love it so much, the vibes are perfect for this time of the year. spring is just around the corner & I feel so much better just thinking about it.

the lyrics are so good, this song is gold.

4. Night Away (Dance) (feat. Tion Wayne) by A1 x J1, Tion Wayne

the feeling of nostalgia caught me off guard this month. healing and working with myself is suprising me every day. as I'm getting memories back from my childhood, I'm becoming more and more nostalgic and these songs/remixes are such a great way to think of some good memories. this song is super great for boosting your mood, especially if you have partied to the original as well.

5. Free by Tvilling

antoher gem from Benex's streams. I love this man so much. even though this was a long long month, I've listened to the EDM playlist a lot and I'm finding more and more favs from there. it's always great to feel like you're at home - and this boy makes me feel that way. any time I start the playlist, comfort and happiness are the only things in my heart. knowing every single song from the streams is so special, it makes them even more enjoyable! I'm in love.

6. Angels Don't Fuck by Insincere

this song gives me so much comfort. it all started when I was having a pretty bad mental breakdown and it helped me a lot. ever since I've been listening to it when I feel a bit stuck or when it gets too hard to even exist... and I needed support more than ever i these last two weeks (I've just gotten into a train accident - I wasn't injured, I just experienced something real disturbing)

sometimes music is the only thing keeping me sane and alive so yeah. this song is on the list.

7. Pigstep Freestyle by Prince Zuko

I've had like 2 days off work and I played a lot of minecraft in those days. I was listening to an old playlist called "memers" from my first mc phase back when pigstep and the nether update came out. it got me into the mood to grind a bit so I've listened to it on repeat and did a lot. (I'm super proud so here is the list of things I've achieved: I built a honey comb farm; I've bred my villagers; traded a lot to get diamond armour and tools, got loads of books; I upgraded my dia helmet and boots fully; I terraformed the front of my house; I've been adventuring and found a new village nearby; I've done some achievements too! I'm trying to collect as much as I can)

8. Queerball by McCafferty

there won't be a month where I'm not saying silly stuff about me having trouble to fall asleep and listening to this song. that's just how it goes, I don't even force myself to fall asleep anymore, I'm just laying down listening to music/streams and facing the consequences the next day. it's super annoying but I don't know what else to try out.

9. Koloběh lásky by Lafi

this was an accident. the one time I'm able to fall asleep instantly while listening to music, I pass out so hard that the next time I wake up is at like 4am with the song playing on loop. so yeah. anyways I still love this one and it always reminds me of that one tiktok about gnf.

10. HAUNTED by Isabel LaRosa

this is a big mood. I found it on tiktok, and that one video with bikes made me want to ride a bike again, until I remembered I'm terrified of them, lol. there is no thing in this world I'm not afraid of.

however the song slaps and is a great choice if you need to by hyped up! I'm loving it.

#music #songs #spotify #my top 10 songs #march #top 10 songs #memories

[hollanderfangirl]

Let me go |Harry Holland|

Pairing: Harry Holland x Therapist! Reader

A/N: so I'm not a therapist and I've never been to therapy, well if you don't consider the sessions with my psychology teacher. All of what I've written comes from what I've learnt in psychology class, reading books and listening to other people's experiences.

Warnings: talk about death, panic attack and it's just really sad

Word count: 3.3k, this is my longest fic yet :)

(Sorry for the shitty moodboard I just had to post this fic or I would have lost my mind)

Harry Holland walked through the halls of the clinic, not really sure why he was here. Well he knew why he had come to see a therapist but he wondered how he put himself in this situation. He had been locking himself inside a glass cave built out of hopelessness for months, his friends and family were greatly concerned about him but he refused to take any help. He had always been stubborn, he never asked for anybody's help. He hated the look of pity on people's faces. He hated people showing him sympathy. He was more than this. He didn't need anybody. He can pull himself together, he just needed time.

But it wasn't helping. Burying your feelings in has never helped anybody. Putting on a smile everyday in front of people and crying himself to sleep, Harry found it more and more difficult. His mum had sensed it and told him to go and see a doctor. He had resisted it at first. 

"Please do it for me, Harry. I cannot see you like this, at least for my satisfaction," Nikki had said. "Just go for a trial session and if you like it then you can continue," but of course he wasn't going to continue. 

Now as he stood in front of the receptionist, he was reconsidering his decision. 

"Yes, do you have an appointment, sir?" 

"Huh?" he seemed lost. "Yeah..yeah" 

"Just wait here, I'll inform Dr Y/l/n" 

"Your know what, cancel the appointment. I- I don't need help" 

"Oh but this is just a trial, Mr Holland" 

"Yeah but I don't-" the receptionist was already at the door, muttering something to the woman inside. 

You step outside to see a curly headed man, he looked pleasant but his eyes looked sad. Those were the eyes of a person who had seen immense grief, someone who had been miserable for a long long time. 

"I'm sorry but I don't need therapy… I didn't realise this before, I -I shouldn't have come here" 

"Oh Mr Holland, this is just a trial right? Let's just have some coffee. This isn't therapy yet" you smile at him. 

"No I really-" 

"Okay then, give me half an hour. If you still feel the same way, then you can leave. Half an hour is all I want from you, Mr Holland" 

"Alright" 

You lead him into your chamber, closing the door behind you. He sits down on a couch across from you, your desk separating you both. The first step of therapy- resistance. People always resist therapy at first, they feel like they don't need the help or maybe seeking help makes them weak. They don't feel like opening up to a complete stranger. How can they? How can they open up their most vulnerable state to a person who they barely know? But slowly and steadily, a rapport is made. A therapist has to be very careful and empathetic. They have to be trusting. Someone who people can turn to. Someone who they can relate to. Someone who understands them. Someone who would just listen. 

"So, your mother sent you here. Right, Mr Holland?" 

"Just- just call me Harry" 

"Okay then Harry, tell me" 

"What do you want me to tell you?" 

"Everything. Start from the beginning" 

"Well I- do you… do you really think I would-" he hesitates. "Who do you think you are? Why do you think I should pay you to listen to my goddamn life story here?" 

"You're not here to tell me your life story," you say politely. "I'm here to help you and I can do that only if you would let me" 

"Well guess what? You cannot help me, I knew I was wasting my time," he gets up and starts to walk away. 

"I asked for half an hour of your time, Harry" 

"Well I don't fucking care" 

"Harry, please listen to me. All I ask is half an hour" 

Little did he know, this half an hour was going to change his life. 

Something about your tone made him stay. He sat back down on the couch, turning away from you. 

"Okay, so if you're not going to talk, I will," you sigh. "So, you have suffered a great loss, someone you loved dearly?" 

"Yes," he still didn't look you in the eye. 

"Who was it?" 

"My…my friend. Girlfriend" 

"And when did this happen?" 

"A year ago" 

"How have you been holding up?" 

He thought of giving another vague answer. How the fuck do you think I'm holding up? I'm fucking dying every single day. 

"Uh- it's been a little better, I guess. It's not as bad as it used to be" 

"Well that's a start. And do you still think about her?" 

Every goddamn minute, lady. What do you want from me? "Yeah sometimes" 

"And how have you been sleeping?" 

I can't sleep. I haven't slept properly for months. If I sleep I see her coming back to me. "Alright I guess" 

This wasn't going anywhere. You thought of recommending him another doctor but something about him charmed you. He was a man who should have been living a great life but his grief was tearing him apart. You had to help him. You felt a strong connection to him, you felt determined. No, I have to help him. I just have to.

"Harry, do you feel like you're responsible for your girlfriend's death?" it was a straightforward question, you had been trying to get something out of him but he wasn't ready to. 

He looked at you dead in the eye, yet could not get any words out. You could sense the anger building up inside him but it wasn't projected at you, he was angry with himself. 

"I….. " he took a few deep breaths, clenching his hands into fists. "Yes" 

"Why is that so?" 

"Fucking hell! Are you for real? She died, okay? And I wasn't there… I wasn't there.. " he was tearing up. "I should have been the one to die! Not her! Not anybody! Everyone just leaves me in the end!" he was full on shouting, letting out everything he had been holding inside himself for a whole year. He had tears in his eyes.

You handed him a box of tissues and he was gasping for breath. When he had calmed down, you both sat in silence for a few minutes. 

"You know, Harry, my friend died the day we had a fight. She was my best friend. I knew her ever since we were three. It was a silly argument. We should not have fought about it. But we did and I told her I wished she would just go away… and then she did" it was painful for you to remember this, but time does heal everything. 

"I'm sorry," his voice was low. "And I'm sorry for all those things I said" 

"No it's alright, that's what you're here for. And besides, it's nothing compared to your loss, Harry" 

"No. It- it's not a competition. Suffering is not a competition. It must've been really hard for you, Dr y/l/n," this was the first time he had addressed you. 

"Call me y/n," you smile at him. "And yeah that's very true. We often blame ourselves, you know, it's very common. We cannot be angry at them so we get angry with ourselves. Even though we know deep in our hearts that there was nothing we could have done" 

There was a long silence. 

"She went out for a drive, that bastard drunk driver," he spoke up. "And I was just resting. She asked me so many times to join her but I wanted to sleep" 

You nod at him and he continued. "That's…the reason I'm not able to sleep. Every night I close my eyes, I think I'll wake up to that phone call" 

"Well yes I don't blame you, our brains sometimes don't process things that come as a shock. And then it just keeps on haunting us forever. Do you believe in life after death, Harry?" 

"Well I don't know what to believe" 

"Have you- felt her? After she was gone?" 

"You'll think I'm crazy" 

"I'm a therapist, it'll take you much more than that to convince me you're crazy" 

"I sometimes talk to her. Like what would she think about this particular situation. Or just that I miss her so much. I don't get any responses but I just try to think like her?" 

"Yeah, that's quite normal actually. People think they need to 'get over' someone's death. But that's not true. You can never really get over something like death" 

"And what does getting over even mean? Like you just forget them? Moving on with your life just means that you think they were never a part of it" 

"Well you're both right and wrong. Yes we must remember our loved ones who are not with us anymore but at the same time, we have to let them go" 

"How? It's too painful" 

"I know. But do you believe in the concept of souls, Harry?" 

"Yeah I mean," he shrugs. 

"The soul is considered to be immortal. And groups of souls tend to travel together. Even if you don't know it, some way, somehow, they're always with us" 

He says nothing but his eyes looked softer now. 

"And just think about it, think of her seeing you like this. Do you think she could have handled you being so miserable?" 

"She would have been heartbroken" 

"Exactly. So do it for her, for yourself. For both of you to feel peace again" 

"Yeah" 

You look at your watch. Half an hour was up. 

"So, Harry. Your half an hour is up. Is there anything else?" 

"Yes, um we can talk about it in our next session?" 

You smile at him. "Of course" 

                          ----------------

After that one half an hour session, Harry was a changed man. He was still mourning, he was still miserable but he had hope. For the first time in a long time, he thought he could actually go on with his life, he could finally feel peace.

The week went by smoothly. Harry tried to make himself busy, by surrounding himself with people and always working. He was still getting nightmares but he was determined to sleep. He was sleeping light, afraid of what deep sleep might show him.

Meanwhile your life was exactly the same, you went on with your day treating people, talking, helping them. You loved your job, you loved the sense of satisfaction you got after patients they told you they were finally better. Every person was a challenge, and you knew there was a gem hidden inside every one of them. All of them had immense potential but life hadn't been kind to them. You felt disturbed and it broke your heart to see people hurting. And you would do anything to make it better for them. To help them.

You couldn’t keep Harry out of your mind. You were thinking about him all day long, awaiting your next session with him. What if he cancels? What can I do if he does? Why am I thinking about him? He had this air around him, a magnetic pull, which was pulling your closer and closer towards him. And why is he so damn attractive? No I should not think about him that way. It was the first and foremost rule of your profession. Never get emotionally attached with your clients. It was a professional relationship and must remain that way.

When he came into your office the following week, you could sense the change in him. You felt proud that a single session made such a difference. There was no arrogance in him, he didn’t seem angry anymore. He was calm and better.

“So, Harry. How was your week?”

“It was good, I’ve been shooting my new short film and it’s coming out to be okay so far”

“Alright and how have you been sleeping?”

“Not that good to be honest. I still get dreams, uh bad dreams”

“What do you see in these dreams?”

“I see the accident scene….again and again, it’s the same dream. Sometimes I see her, she talks to me and all that”

“Hmm and have you talked to your family? Your friends?”

“Yeah I talked to my mum…and my brother”

“What did they say?”

“They said they are here for me and will always love me”

“Yes and I don’t doubt that, Harry. You have a lot of people in your life who love and support you. Embrace that”

The session went by smoothly, he opened up to you about his life, everything about the girl he loved so much. About his family, his career. You found yourself staring at him, taking glances at his hands which he constantly moved while he talked. You noticed he was shaking his leg the whole time. Stop staring, y/n.

Wow she’s so beautiful. And thoughtful. And funny and understanding. What am I doing? She’s my therapist….but…why couldn’t I have met her before? Why didn’t I meet her when I was normal? Would things have been different? But then again, I would have never met her if I was normal.

Things seemed to get better, as the weeks progressed, Harry was becoming more and more like his old self again. But there was a feeling of regret, he thought this was wrong as if he were forgetting her. But you were there to guide him, to tell him that this is what life is. It never stops. No matter what happens, you will heal. Someday, sometime. And each day we progress towards it.

And then it happened. The call came at 1 am in the morning. You were sleeping and you were tired, you had been working all day and just needed some rest. You wouldn't have picked the call up but something told you it was important. That you should pick it up.

“Hello?” you yawn.

You just hear muffled breathing for a few seconds.

“Hello? Who is it?”

“It…it’s me…Harry”

“Harry, what’s wrong?” you thought what could have happened at this time of the night.

“I just- can you-” he sounded like he was choking.

“Harry what’s wrong, you’re scaring me”

“I… can’t… breathe,” you hear him sobbing. ”I had… that… dream, I feel like I’m…going to…die”

“Harry, listen to me. You will be okay. Yeah? Just take deep breaths and sit tight. I’m coming to you”

You search through his file to look for his address. When you find it, you rush through the front door and drive to his house. You were on the phone with him the whole drive.

“Just keep breathing, Harry. Deep breaths, okay?”

To your surprise, the front door was unlocked. It looked like he had gone out into the street in the middle of the night. You search through rooms to find him, and you see him curled into a ball at the corner of a king size bed. You touch his shoulder and he flinches.

“Hey, hey it’s just me. It’s alright”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know who else to call,” he was crying, with the tears streaming down his cheeks, his eyes looked small and they looked red from the lack of sleep and of tears.

“It’s alright, Harry. Just come here, it’ll be alright,” you pull him towards yourself him and he buries his face into your chest and you held him, stroking his hair and telling him it will be alright.

“That’s it. Let it out, Harry. It’s okay to cry”

You both stayed like that for another 15 minutes. He couldn’t stop crying and you knew he needed that. He had been holding everything in for so long and it just came out like an explosion tonight. You wiped his tears and made him meditate for a few minutes.

He fell asleep and you stayed up all night, looking at him. He looked so innocent while he slept, and cute too, you thought hiding a blush, even though nobody was there to look at you.

That night, Harry finally felt at peace. He was finally able to sleep. He had no nightmares, just a peaceful dream. He saw his girlfriend, running away from him in a white dress with her hair flowing in the wind.

Please don’t leave me, darling. I love you.

I know you do Harry, but you must let me go. I will always be with you. I will always love you. It is time you start caring about yourself, you must let me go. It is time.

No! don’t leave me!

And he woke up. Something about this dream told him that she was right. It was time. He was finally ready to let her go. For both of their sakes.

He went down to find you sleeping on the couch. He was hesitant at his thoughts but deep down he knew he was falling for you. Am I just using her to cope with my loss? Or do I really love her?

You opened your eyes, looking at Harry sitting on the ground, pushing a strand of hair away from your face.

“Good morning, how did you sleep?”

“Better. Really really better. I- I don’t know how to thank you, y/n and I’m so sorry”

“Hey it’s alright, and I’m glad I could help,” you smile. “I should go now, I have to get to work”

“Let me make breakfast and let me drive you to your house”

“Oh no it’s okay I can-”

“I owe this much to you, y/n. Let me”

“Okay”

                              -----------------

It wasn’t until another week when Harry had his next session. You had been thinking about him all the time, you were confused, it wasn’t supposed to go this way. But he….who am I kidding I’m in love with him.

When he walked through the door on a Thursday morning next week, he looked healthy and happier than ever. You felt a sense of happiness yourself, therapy is always beneficial to both the patient and the therapist. Every person is a deep universe, their thoughts, experiences, pain, joy, everything. Empathising with clients is a great learning experience, it becomes a part your personality. It becomes a part of you.

“Hey y/n”

“Hi Harry”

“So my week as been as it’s always and I’ve been feeling a lot better ever since that day…and that dream” he had told you about the dream he had the night you watched him sleep. He seemed to completely change after that, he let go of the intense emotions he had been carrying around.

“That’s very good and you’ve made a lot of progress since our first meeting”

“Yeah…I have”

The session went on as usual, he talked about everything that happened, he started fighting with his brothers again, which he hadn’t done in a long time and even though they were pissed off at him, they were happy to have him back.

“Um Harry,” you say at the end of the session. “I think-” you try to choose your words correctly. “I think it’s about time you start seeing another therapist, yeah?”

You see his face drop. “wh-why? I’m doing so much better, is..is it because of that night? I’m so sorry y/n”

“No it’s not that. You and I both know what’s happening between us, it’s wrong for a therapist to get emotionally attached with her patient. I’m sorry, Harry”

“So you’re saying that you’re becoming emotionally attached with me?”

“I..I’m-“

“It’s alright. I understand y/n”

“Yes, thank you. This has been great”

“So… now that you’re not my therapist, can I meet you for coffee this evening?”

“Harry-“

“Half an hour, Dr y/l/n. Just give me half an hour of your time, if you still feel the same way, I’ll never bother you again”

“Uh-" you hesitate. You knew you should have said no. You were going to say no. Yet the words which came out of your mouth were “Okay then, it’s a date”

--------------

Taglist:

@mischiefmanaged011 @notsosmexy @perspectiveparker @justanothermarvelmaniac @amorhollands @thisetaernallove @halfblood-princess-505 @spidey-reids-2003 @peterspideysstuff @musicalkeys @theliterarymess @ilarbu @hollands-weasley @tombob2005 @tommysparker @god-knows-what-am-i-doing @parkerpeter24 @more-like-reyna @hollandbroz-n-haz @aqiise

#harry holland #harry holland x reader #harry holland imagine #harry holland angst #harry+holland+x+y/n #harry holland x therapist! reader #harry holland fluff #harry holland fic #harry holland one shot #therapist! reader

[espytalks]

oh hey, tumblr did one of those year in review things, so obviously i gotta post mine, with commentary.

#5

So yeah uhm idk what the other two mobs could be but idk how mojang could top this. This is literally the best thing.

30 notes • Posted 2021-10-12 06:00:27 GMT

Oh boy, i'm still mad the glare didn't win. I just hope they add it in one day anyways.

The art's cute though! it reminds me of the fairly oddprents, even though that wasn't what i was going for. I wanted to add a bit of texture to the shading, sorta emulating the enderman drawing i did earlier in the year.

I also had a companion piece to go with it! This was supposed to be the "ugly" version compared to a cute, fluffy version, but i loved this one way more in comparison.

#4

92 notes • Posted 2021-01-17 01:02:44 GMT

this was this year? Feels like such a long time ago. 2021 feels like a year and a half, i swear.

This is one of my favorite games, and i can't remember exactly what was going on in my head as a drew this? I think it was a sketch, and i just decided to finish it?

I definitely remember i pushed the purpleyness of it, cause it's my favorite color, and i didn't care about how well it performed, cause it was something i drew for myself. Some people in the tags seemed to like it, so i guess it was a good call.

also, the light souse is the paper, i think? for some reason? It looked good, that's my excuse.

#3

I saw this

and i had to draw it.

119 notes • Posted 2021-06-25 00:12:41 GMT

A very spontaneous drawing! This was sometime after my enderman drawing, so i was really wanting to try a more pastel color palete, and stick to that as part of my artstyle.

I feel like i'm not that great at picking colors in general, but i think this still looks nice and soft. I even went for colored lineart, which i rarely ever do. I also went for a mix of semi-soft and cell shading, cause i thought it's help it look extra soft.

Wooper looks a bit too chubby, i think, but he don't look too bad. It's about the vibe, not the details. it's just cute :)

#2

I remembered a silly sketch i did a month-ish ago, which was cuter than i remembered :)

179 notes • Posted 2021-06-11 10:14:00 GMT

Look man, I dunno? I was inspired by some featured art of worm on a string, and i've been super frickin into mincraft. the sketch was worth finishing, i swear.

I dunno what to say about it. it's very.. simple. If i waited until a month ago, the song would be otherside, but cat's a classic.

#1

Minecraft is a Good game :)

3237 notes • Posted 2021-05-20 18:02:26 GMT

Wow i sure did pick one heck of a mob to be my favorite. god, those mothertruckers in game are a nightmare, but the design? the idea? *chefs kiss*

I love this. the colors, the mood, the lighting, it's definitely one of the best things ive ever drawn, i'm so happy with how it came out!

And it very much almost didn't! This took maybe a month or more, and the longest part was lineart. I'd do a little, then stop, and It was so intimidating cause i wanted it to be really good. I worked so hard making sure it was exactly how i wanted it, and i even changed my lineart process entirely because of this drawing.

Coloring was very hard, because i'm not confident with my choice in colors, and i don't think i'm good at shading. I took it slow, making absolutely sure i got the colors balanced, and asked for advice from my family, which i almost never do. My mom suggested the change in the dirt color, in fact! It was either more red or more straight up purple, i can't remember which.

I don't like how the beehive came out, though. i kinda.. you can tell i kinda just hid it and forgot about it. the bees are such a small part of it that i don't think it mattered much.

also?? the tags on this are so nice???? people really liked this??? I just wanted to do a good job but i was expecting to be ignored, what the actual fuck. if i'da known i'da considered colored lineart. probably wouldn't have, cause colored lineart's a pain in the ass, but. I'da thought about it.

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#espy talks #it's that time of the year where i just kiss my own ass for an hour apparently #think i might reblog this to my art blog idk

[legendsofentity]

@donnas-troia thanks for the tag 💕 sorry i forgot about this until yesterday lol

my 5 fave fics that i wrote:

1. a heart to love, a heart to break (titans, donna/dawn)

this is my longest story with the most chapters i've ever written for a fic and it's still ongoing. plus it's angst with the slowest fucking burn ever too, which is just how i like my ships lol

donna and dawn would literally make the best couple idk why the writers are sleeping on them someone's gotta let them know ok

honestly since i've been writing this story for like a year now, it feels like it's a part of my life (even if i'm not very good at giving it consistent updates sorry) also it feels like my own safe wonderdove bubble that i've used since S2 ended and wonderdove became my otp on titans and nope that hasn't changed one bit. whenever i'm writing this story, it feels like i get so wrapped up in it that i forget about the harsh canon/reality for a moment.

2. a bed for two (the boys, frenchie/kimiko)

i love the fluff and domestic elements i incorporated into this fic. something about the simplicity of this story's settings really speaks to me, and i got to look up a few french sayings and dishes to add into the fic too haha

the twist at the end with the bed was something i had planned from the beginning, and idk why but i felt so smug and cheeky writing that last part (kinda like kimiko was in this story when she finally revealed it to frenchie lmao)

3. you are my heart, just like i am yours (the boys, frenchie/kimiko)

usually, my writing involves angst and/or fluff but they don't usually get dark. THIS one was the first time i brought it to a very dark place. thankfully, i couldn't bring myself to set it into the reality of the fic, which is why most of this fic was a nightmare sequence.

kimiko wakes up at the end, frenchie's okay, close snuggles and vows to not let anything happen to him... that calmed me down after i wrote a sweet ending to this story lol

4. too close for comfort (legends of tomorrow, zari/ray)

this was the first fic i ever wrote for my first otp. so of course this is a nostalgia thing for me haha

i still remember the day i published the first chapter of this... and it got kudos and comments... i mean, it was my first time, so i felt unbelievably confident-- hell, i felt fucking invincible lol. obviously, that was before i learned about the ship wars and how things can be taken out of perspective that offend so many people, and yup my confidence (along with my self esteem) are back to relatively low levels lol

still, even though i like to think my writing has improved over the few years i've been on ao3, i always come back to this every once in a while and go "...hey, this wasn't as bad as i remember"

it's got angst, fluff ending, crying, worry, and a dragon. enough said XD

5. all i want for christmas is you (cloak and dagger, tyrone/tandy)

the only christmas fic i've written so far. and yes it was published a few days after christmas, my bad lol

this is essentially the whole christmas fluff package for tyrandy-- snacks, movies, a small hotel room with a bed for two, snowing outside, exchanging gifts, morning snuggles, plus a tiny pinch of angst because i can't help myself haha. also the show was cancelled 2 months prior to this, so writing this helped heal my tyrandy heart a little.

alrighty you're up 💕✨

@not-so-mundane-after-all-97

@wilder-fangirl

@theheroofhorseshoebay

@bestavengerromanova

#personal #tag game #tag games