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#interpersonal
thepeacefulgarden · 7 months
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sidewalkchemistry · 10 months
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ashersskye · 25 days
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Honestly, most of healing is just learning how to better communicate and understand not only yourself on a deeper level, but the people around you too. You gotta learn how to talk about the hard shit with the people in your life. Anytime there's a shift, anytime there's a problem, anytime there's an issue, learn how to bring it up. Stop ignoring it, stop assuming they're gonna take your needs into consideration, stop assuming they're gonna know what you need without ever having said it to them. Directly bring it up. The sooner the better.
You feel like your friend is ignoring you? Ask them about it. "Hey, I've noticed you've been a little distant. Is there something on your mind that's bothering you lately?"
You feel like your friend is flirting with you and you're uncomfortable or not sure how to interpret it? Ask them about it. "Hey, I've noticed we kinda flirt a lot and I was wondering if we could talk about that."
Normalize direct communication. Normalize checking in and asking how you both feel about the relationship in itself.
"hey, I just wanted to know, how do you feel about our relationship/friendship/etc? Is there anything bothering you about us lately? Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"
"Hey, what are the boundaries for this situation? What are you okay with? What are you not okay with? How do you want us to handle conflict?"
Ask these things up front. It's literally the best thing you could ever do.
Just stop ignoring the big hard things. Yeah it's hard to account for how people react, especially when you've been abused as a kid. But you've GOT to learn how to bring these things up. Do NOT dwell in the unknowns and unspokens. You're trying to piece together a puzzle without having all the pieces that way. If you need clarity, if you need reassurance, ask for it.
And if it's a problem of, "well I don't want to lose them," or "well I don't want to make them mad at me," then spend some time acknowledging that you need more than what they can give you with this. These are the types of wounds that casual relationships and friendships in your life probably won't be able to help you heal from long term, not without you doing some extra work on your own to acknowledge that the notion of never pissing someone off is unrealistic and it's an unhealthy expectation of yourself and those around you. You can't help but loose people, you can't help but piss someone off, yes, eventually it will happen. They're gonna piss you off too at some point. By avoiding this you're staying stuck in a pattern of your trauma, and though you can't help that, neither can the other ppl in your life either. You've got to learn how to navigate these things on a deeper level if you want to have any chance of cultivating real, meaningful, long standing relationships with people.
So find you some ways to cope with the uncomfortable emotions of being seen and known. That's the only way to get stronger with this type of stuff.
🌸
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cvnfvse · 2 months
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mixed definition of love
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ghostonly · 2 years
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9 times out of 10, if someone accuses you of being ungrateful, it has nothing to do with you showing gratitude wrong and everything to do with them never wanting to help in the first place.
More often than not, "you're ungrateful," is literally just code for one of these:
"I did something for you because I felt obligated to and I now blame you for my past inability to set my own boundaries."
"I did something for you and expected you to do something of equal value for me immediately after, without ever stating that expectation, and you didn't hold up your end of the deal I decided we made."
"I did something for you because I felt morally obligated to and, because the entire situation you're in that caused me to feel that way wasn't immediately resolved by my act of charity, I've decided that you're actually doing this on purpose to extort people's time, energy, and resources."
"I did something for you because I'm a good person and you didn't adequately sing my praises and boost my ego to everyone we know, which is what any normal person would do if they were gifted with my invaluable services."
"I did something for you and expected you to do things for me in return, but your lower class and lack of resources means you have nothing of value to offer me in return, so you're therefore unable to pay your debts for my services, regardless of if you've wasted your time doing things for me that I deem worthless."
"I did something for you and expected this to mean undying loyalty and subservience, but you've dared to disagree with something I said, refuse one of my demands, or treat me as an equal when you needing my help made me superior."
So basically, if someone calls you ungrateful when you've actually put in an effort to show gratitude (like saying Thank You, expressing appreciation, etc.), they were never looking for gratitude to begin with. They're simply using gratitude as a way of making their sour feelings your fault when what they're actually upset about is that their attempt at insincere help didn't gain them anything.
In simpler terms: they're selfish.
People who genuinely care and genuinely want to help don't do so expecting something in return.
If someone wants something in return, they should state that right away, making the entire thing transactional and not an act of help, charity, or assistance.
The same goes for people who say you took advantage of them when you only accepted what was offered.
It is your responsibility, when you offer something (time, energy, money, resources), to make sure that what you're offering is something you actually want to share out of the goodness of your heart.
If you don't put down any boundaries regarding your offered help or resources, it is not the fault of the person you offered them to for not determining your boundaries for you.
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I am so fucking lonely all the time because most relationships are so deeply unsatisfying to me. I’m not sure if I hate how unsatisfying every relationship is, or if I hate the fact I can only feel satisfied by being with an FP. Either way, my lack of social life is a pain and I am fucking lonely when I stop ignoring it.
I hate friendships. They’re always so meaningless and shallow. Then you get cast aside like you were fucking nothing to them. I hate groups, in which I always get ignored and/or spoken over. I hate when people who aren’t an FP flirt with me, it feels so disgusting, and every time I had sex with someone who wasn’t an FP I dealt with weeks of dysphoria. I hate being around family, I don’t get comfort like I’d get from an FP. I will never enjoy meeting strangers. None of my activities are even social, so I have no chance of meeting new people unless it’s deliberate.
I just want people to obsess over me like I do them. I want them to share my interests so we can talk for days. I want people who will drop plans when I’m in need. I want people who respond to my texts as soon as they see I sent a message. I want people who text me every single time they think about me. I want my phone to get blown up so I can feel wanted. I want someone to act like me, towards me.
When I feel my FPs aren’t thinking about me, I’m so empty and lonely that it’s physically painful.
I’m able to be alone, inability to be alone isn’t the issue. I can play solo games, I can draw, I can listen to music, I can sit with my thoughts and feelings just fine. It’s just that I have to bear the weight that I’m perpetually alone. When I’ve basically been holed up in my bedroom for over a week straight and the wave of loneliness crashes over me, is when my BPD takes hold.
I have no sense of community but don’t really care to have one, because they always turn out the same. Distant, unfeeling, hostile. I’m too overwhelming as a human being. I barely even feel human myself.
I don’t WANT a “normal” relationship, because they aren’t enough.
This life is a living Hell.
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necarion · 4 months
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It's hard to apologize when you're in the wrong, but it's reasonably doable if you're confronted or it happens right then. It's way harder to seek someone out to apologize for something after the fact. And it's hardest to seek someone out to apologize when you're not in the wrong, but the thing you're doing is making them unhappy regardless.
"I'm doing something that is bothering you. I won't stop it completely, but let me know how I can tone it down around you."
And that's super awkward to initiate and harder to open yourself to the criticism that way.
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fluff-writing · 1 year
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Being the oldest, Itherael used to be very protective of all the other angels. This faded as everyone grew and the others surpassed them in martial prowess, but they will still go all Mama Bear over younger angels from time to time. They are also the only one that Imperius will tolerate (and even enjoy) fussing from.
Malthael dual-wields bcuz he watched Tyrael and Inarius spar, and thought Inarius was hot shit. But obviously he needed to be hotter shit, so he convinced Uraleon to invent the weaponized shotel for him to fight with.
Imperius's 'Big Brother' feels skipped Tyrael and Inarius completely and glommed onto Malthael. No one touches the twerpy little wisdom for fear of his Wrath. And man, was he ever a precious nerdlet ripe for bullying when he fell out of the arch.
Inarius also had a bit of brotherly feels for Malthael. Unfortunately, this manifested in affectionate teasing and hassling. And actually teaching him how to dual wield better.
Auriel is closest in age with Imperius, and the two of them have a rather special platonic love-hate type relationship. They argue. They nag each other. They're almost always on opposite sides of the Council debates. They've got each other's backs towards the ends of time.
Tyrael had a severe crush bit of hero worship for Imperius for a while. He definitely was never jealous of Malthael, no sirree.
When he was brand new, Malthael was a little bit afraid of Itherael. He may or may not have hid behind his wings when they first met. Who can blame him though, Itherael was always a little bit larger than life, and their monotone demeanor was hard to interpret for the new angel.
Tyrael adored his little brother Inarius, and would get very upset when the other Archangels excluded him from things. Unfortunately, Inarius was not meant for the council. This is probably what planted the idea of being in control in Inarius's head in the first place; his Big Brother thought he should be, and Tyrael was always right about everything.
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whimsidreams · 8 months
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You don't need to put on a show to be liked by others.
You're enough just as you are.
You're enough. 💖
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will-or-wontxx · 5 months
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Grieving is a weird thing.
But what’s even weirder is how the people around you behave. You can learn a lot about them based on their reactions.
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zr21designs · 6 months
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This is what freedom looks like T-Shirt
🎽🔗👇
https://www.zazzle.com/z/agd3gxru?rf=238949549545768441
🔸Sold by Zazzle
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thepeacefulgarden · 5 months
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sidewalkchemistry · 1 year
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speak from your heart 💗 remind people of their innate beauty and talents
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ashersskye · 17 days
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Let's talk about anger languages
Much like love languages, anger has a language too.
Self isolating? Self harming? Passive aggression? Vague posting specific rants on social media hoping others wont see it or bring it up? Yelling? Aggression? Insults and name calling? Taking it out on others? Projection?
How well do you know your anger language?
Anger is something a LOT of people fear. Especially when you're raised in an abusive environment. You learn to avoid anger altogether, because it's loud, explosive, abusive, etc.
But this couldn't be further from the truth. Let's talk about it in depth.
Anger becomes toxic when there is no direct expression or acknowledgement that it's present.
Withdrawing, ignoring, or waiting for your partner/etc to pick up on your feelings, is not a healthy way to express yourself. You have to be mindful that other people do not live inside your mind. They will never know what you feel without you saying it out loud. And you will get more pissed off when they inevitably don't pick up on your signals.
Yelling, aggression, passive aggression, insults, and displacement, are not healthy ways to express your feelings. You have to be mindful of the space you share with others, and the effects you have on them too. If you cannot express yourself in a way that takes consideration of those around you, then you are not a safe person to be around.
All of these behaviors are also very harmful, simply because they hurt everyone involved. Isolating? Self harming? Hurts you and your partner/etc. You're withholding a chance for you to be loved & taken care of in this moment. They would want to know what you're feeling. Passive aggression? Aggression? Insults? Yelling? This can make your partner/etc feel like they are being punished and can be emotionally abusive to constantly deal with.
So what do we do about it?
First off, do you feel safe directly expressing yourself when these moments come up?
If not, it would be a great idea to ask yourself why.
Partner/etc feels unstable? Maybe they blow up at the drop of a dime over every little thing? Maybe the trust isn't there anymore?
Or is it deeper than that? Is it a childhood thing? Not able to trust you'll be in good, safe hands when these moments occur?
It would be a great start to go that deep with yourself and notice what it is about expressing your negative emotions directly and explicitly to others in your space, that makes you hesitate, ignore, or lash out. That would give you greater insights to what your obstacles look like.
Secondly, do you know what pisses you off? Do you know when you're at your limits and ready to cuss someone out?
It can be helpful to know these things about yourself. It can help you communicate to others what you need and expect of them when these things arise for you.
At the core is just knowing yourself enough to know when you're frustrated. And being able to trust the company you're with to take you seriously enough to want to know too.
So here's some remedies that may help✨
Ways to tackle conflict resolution:
Set aside a specific time to come together and talk about it
Opt out of distractions unless absolutely necessary
Keep the environment feeling warm & safe
Give undivided attention
Be present in the moment
Notice body language
Connect with eye contact & safe touch (if consented to)
Repeat back what is being said to give yourself a chance to understand
Listen. Set aside your judgements and just listen to what is being said
Ask questions for clarity if you don't understand what is being said. Don't just speed through the process to get it over with & miss out on something you need clarified
Be open to compromise
Thank your partner/etc for speaking up & sharing their feelings
Be clear on the intended outcome and steps moving forward
Above all else, remember that you love this person. Remember that there is love here. Be mindful of the respect and consideration you show to each other. Do not ever let yourselves forget that.
Phrases for when you're angry and in need of space to cool off:
I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need to step away for a while.
This is overwhelming me and I need a break.
I feel ___ when you ___. Can we talk about this?
I'm getting frustrated. I need to step away.
This is frustrating me. We need to change the subject.
I am not having a good time right now. I need some space.
I'm having sensory issues at the moment. Can you turn that down/off/use headphones please?
I'm not comfortable sharing space with you right now. Can we cool off for a while?
I need some space.
I need time to process this. Let's talk about it later.
I'm not ready to talk about that right now.
I understand how you feel, but I do not agree.
I am going to cool off.
I'm reaching my limits. I need some space.
This situation is frustrating.
I'm getting irritable. I need to step away.
Practice them. Notice how most of them involve you removing yourself from the situation in order to self care. This is crucial. It is important to learn how to recognize when you're getting frustrated to the point of reacting.
Ask for some space. Then remove yourself from the situation and self care.
What would self care look like?
privacy to unmask and let loose (regulation)
deep breathing (regulation)
punch a pillow or squeeze a teddy bear really hard (regulation)
sit on the floor & lift your legs against the wall (regulation & somatics)
venting to someone else (self expression & regulation)
writing in a journal or ripping pages out (self expression)
taking a walk/run (regulation)
stretching (somatics)
music (self expression & regulation)
dancing or high cardio (somatics)
wiggle ur body (somatics)
throw a tantrum (somatics)
do something comforting (processing)
cry (regulation)
literally anything you can think of. It will help.
These are just some handy examples to keep in your back pocket.
Communicating during and after conflict arises:
It would also help to have a discussion about upkeeping personal space and ways to find privacy when you need space to cool off. Talk about what you'd like to do and how you'd like to handle communication when these moments come up. You can specify, "i need an hour to myself." Or "i will call/text you when I'm ready to talk."
It's also a good idea to discuss how you'd like each other to respond to your frustrations. Sometimes love languages are welcomed in these moments, but sometimes they are not. Sometimes random acts of kindness, physical touch, etc can help soothe the moment. But sometimes these types of things make it worse. If you'd prefer to be left alone, it's a good idea to mention that.
One more very important note about anger & negative emotions:
Remember that you are allowed to be angry, frustrated, and any other negative feeling. Anger is not inherently abusive. It's all about how you handle it.
Remember that just because you're feeling mad & frustrated it doesn't excuse your immediate reactions if they're causing harm to yourself or to others. You're gonna rip someone's heart out by being so careless.
Remember that your partner/etc is allowed to be angry, too. You are not responsible for caretaking or rescuing them from their emotions. You're not their parent. You're not their savior. Let them cope how they cope & focus on how you're coping instead.
Remember that you are allowed time and space away from your partner/etc. You absolutely do not need to occupy the same space all the time. Healthy relationships prioritize personal space just as much as time shared together, too.
Remember that healthy anger shouldn't have you feeling like you're walking on eggshells too afraid to make someone mad at you. If you're in a position with someone who is volatile all the time, or with someone who copes in unhealthy ways and it's affecting you, then please consider what you can do to re-establish a sense of safety in these moments. And consider what's best for your health in the long run.
Remember that your loved ones are in fact listening and paying attention to you. Even when we feel like they aren't. Isolating & directing these feelings inward can have an effect on our loved ones, too. Even if we don't mean to, it still ends up happening anyway bc we aren't invisible like we would hope to be. Yes, you do exist. Yes, your loved ones see you. Talk to them about it.
Remember that you're gonna piss someone off at some point, and they're gonna piss you off too. Rather than ignoring this, try to find ways to meet it head on. It will help.
Tl;dr- talk about how you handle anger with your loved ones and talk about how you can help each other out when the frustrations arise. Talk about it with yourself too. Anger is no different than any other emotion we feel. Talking about it helps us move it in safer ways.
🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸
Take care of yourselves out there
🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸
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aeide-thea · 1 year
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social interaction really is so complex—
like, i left a comment on someone else’s post that was essentially backing up the position taken by a previous commenter, and that commenter subsequently replied to me with a Corroborating Factoid, and i think they maybe-probably meant that as, like, a pat on both our backs about how correct we both were, but because they didn’t include any affirming language in their reply, at first glance it felt to me like, dude, i’m agreeing with you, you don’t need to keep arguing the point at me! and like, then i went and looked at their tumblr and decided it was probably just a difference in communication styles (if i’m agreeing with you i’ll generally open with ‘yeah’ or ‘right’ or some other such tone/position-signaling phrase, not just jump straight into an anecdote, because i value that kind of reassurance about where we stand with each other, and want it established before we get going), although frankly i’m not totally convinced their anecdote constituted especially strong evidence in favor of our mutual point so, you know, you win some you lose some, but it’s just like. jesus. these tiny little totally unconscious signals that determine whether a stranger puts my back up or not! and so many of them have to do with like. are we the same. which i guess is a broadly human instinct honestly but like. also it’s a conservative’s baton. so i think it’s a reaction worth squinting at a little.
anyway. nothing here that people haven’t observed many times before! just like. you know. i preach tolerance and try to practice it but also i totally get impatient with well-meaning strangers who phrase things in ways that don’t feel wholly congenial to me. (as i’m sure some of them get impatient with long-winded too-formal me for the same reason!) and it’s just like. how do you reconcile that. :/ keep picking at it, i guess, and take yr picking back to yr own space instead of getting reactive at ppl. which… at some level i guess that is tolerance: i don’t have to let you befriend me in the public square if i’m not digging it, i just have to nod politely and let you exist there unharassed.
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squareroot-1 · 1 year
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Wow I figured out a great social technology for me personally! (Or, kind of noticed that a particular thing would be a great social technology for me personally).
The someone's-day thing! (Or two hours, or video call, or...). Can be between fewer people including two.
Specifically in the - 'it's your day so you get to say things you want (to do)'. (Of course with some kind of no system etc). Not as something rare like birthdays (thought of which is what got me on the subject) but more often etc.
I think this would be very good for me, because I like doing things for people (but I need to know they want them) and I have desires for things I want re people (but I have a lot of barrier etc for asking etc, worry about imposing, worry about asking too much...)
And this would be good for *both* things, and have the built in 'balance', and hit my 'well this is what you're supposed to do'
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