#internalised self hate

[s0fter-sin]

metalhead ghost who’s been in moshpits since he was a kid and is now a veteran of the scene and the self appointed look out. he keeps an eye out for anyone falling or passing out, kicks the shit out of anyone crowd killing or putting their hands where they shouldn’t

and he’s been keeping an eye on the punk in the kilt since he saw him throw himself headfirst into the wall of death

he looks like the type to start shit - loud and aggressive as anyone else here but a punk doesn't end up at a metal show for no reason - but there's also something niggling at him that he's gonna end up getting himself hurt. and ghost can’t tell if he’s going to do it on purpose

if he does, ghost needs to know. he uses these places as an escape - the music, the violence, the community - always has and he knows all to well how easily an escape can curdle and become destructive. he’s seen too many people lost to the darker parts of the scene, almost lost himself to it; he doesn’t want it to happen to anyone else if he can help it

so when he sees the punk sweating his mohawk off, his movements becoming looser and uncoordinated, he has no issues with yanking him out of the pit and pulling him away from the crowd; pushing him up against the venue wall and ordering him to open his mouth

the glaze that falls over his eyes concerns him even as he obediently lets his mouth fall open. he was right; the punk’s severely dehydrated, tongue and gums far to pale and along with the look in his eyes, he half-thinks he’s about to drop

he reflexively tightens his hold on his jaw to keep him up and the punk shivers, a flush creeping up his neck. an almost confused arousal joins the haze in his eyes and ghost smirks beneath his mask

looks like metal shows aren’t the only thing the punk is new to

#soapghost #ghostsoap #ghoap #ghost has a split tongue bc i said so #and soaps mohawk is overgrown and fluffy as hell running down the back of his neck #once ghost forces water down his throat soap comes back online and is his usual self and ghost starts to like him even more #he likes having someone that can go toe to toe with him #i wish i knew more about the scene so i could expand this but i dont know shit about punk or metal culture lmao #i do know itd be mid 20s soap and late 30s early 40s ghost and soaps just self destructing #wanting to be an artist but hes being strangled both by his family who think its a waste when hes so mathematically smart #and by the artistic community who hate his pieces for being too chaotic and non traditional #ghost keeps running into him at shows and he recognises that self destruction all too well #and he sees him declining and knows if he doesnt step in no one will #he was a drug addict after getting caught up in abusive relationship with roba #and it was only his brothers death that pulled him out of his spiral #he doesnt want death to be the end of this spitfire punks story #soaps also got that classic catholic guilt internalised homophobia going for him #hes only ever known the bad parts of the scene he didnt know there was anything different #until ghost introduces him to price and nikolai whove been together longer than hes been alive #and to gaz and farah and alex who make no secret of their love for each other and soap realises just how deprived he is of healthy love #not when his parents barely stand him not when his sister only got married when she fell pregnant and they forced her into the church #with a man she hardly knew just so they could keep their reputation #just ghost showing soap theres more to life than violence and hatred and theres so much love for him to discover #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #we’re a team. ghost team #simon ghost riley #ghost cod #john soap mactavish #soap cod #save post

[cindereleanor]

Ace Podcast Week Day 1 - Realisation/Acceptance

When I was trying to come up with ideas for anything I could make for this fan event, I really wanted to delve into Arkady's (from The Strange Case of Starship Iris) grey-asexuality. I have So Much to say about this character, and honestly am not sure how to go about expressing it all. I'm afraid I haven't had the time to properly write anything, so for today, here are just some (messy) fragments of a character study (like literally, this is really the brainstorming stage😅) exploring Arkady’s relationship with her asexuality, and her sharing that part of herself with Violet:

Shit. Here she was, lying with this beautiful, smart, and oh so kind woman – in every way a better person than she could have ever dared hope of being with – falling asleep in her arms. A moment too good to be true. Of course she was going to have to go and mess this all up horribly. * * * Arkady let out a bitter laugh. She was good with computers, she should be able to think logically. And hell, the logical thing to think was surely not that Violet wouldn't understand. Violet, who saw the best in people to a fault (something Arkady couldn't help but love about her). But wouldn't it be so perfectly ironic for this to be the one thing Violet couldn't accept. How cruel would it be for the universe to have worked in her favour for once, to taunt her with the chance of love, with this person who could somehow – god knows how – see past the parts of her that even she couldn’t. And then for it all to be snatched away because of something so stupid. As if her sexuality was so much harder to stomach than, well, everything else. * * * You expect her to put up with so much. You shut everyone out. You don't know how to communicate your feelings. You're a wreck. Your 'baggage' isn't a suitcase; it's the whole luggage cart. Why couldn't you just make one part of this easy? * * * Violet squeezed her hand, 'We don't ever have to do anything you don't want to, you know that right?' 'I was a soldier, Liu, you don't need to treat me with kid gloves. I know take care of myself,' 'But will you, Arkady?' * * * Arkady and Violet sat enjoying a rare moment of silence. And even more rarely, Arkady was letting herself bask in that enjoyment. No worrying how long this would last, no beating herself up over things she couldn't control, no guilt. In that moment, things were okay. Arkady even let herself believe that one day, things would be good.

#ace podcast week #tscosi #arkady patel #vikady #cw internalised aphobia #also cw for canon-typical levels of self-hating thoughts from Arkady :( #my post #my writing #sorry feel like this one's a bit of a downer for the start of this event... #I promise if I ever actually write this fic it would have a much more upbeat tone by the end!

[oldcoyote]

Understand that I'm trying to say this as gently as possible, but fatphobic culture and diet culture normalises a lot of very unhealthy ways of relating to food. Calorie counting and dieting and skipping meals are normalised methods of disordered eating, even if they don't constitute a full Eating Disorder. Frequently weighing yourself too is a normalised way of developing self hatred for nothing, because it doesn't serve any purpose other than to flagellate yourself--and even if it was a useful corollary for health, it would still be concerning compulsive behaviour. If you were frequently measuring your blood pressure, or your heart rate, or some other easly monitored indicator of health, that would be concerning too, because it would be clear that it takes up an outsized amount of your focus. The fact that you (deliberately?) purge is above and beyond even that.

I don't want to preach to you, but it might be helpful to consider why you do these things, and how it would make you feel if tomorrow you just stopped doing these things. Could you stop? Could you just stop weighing yourself and counting calories and throwing up? Do you think these things are actually health promoting, and if they are do you think they're worth the harm they do? You don't have to answer these to me, but you should think about it.

I know learning about all the garbage lies peddled by fatphobia has been a struggle for you. I really wish the best for you.

thank you so much for worrying love, it's very kind of you. i am reading over this a few times to take all of it in and understand.

i definitely can stop (and have many times) but it tends to be detrimental for me to do so. when i stop weighing myself every day and stop calorie counting, my weight shoots up very fast. i've gained 20kg (44lbs) in the last year because i stopped and tried to let my body just be as it is, and now everything is a lot more frustrating and difficult because of the gain. my chronic pain is worse, and i can't afford to replace the clothing/equipment that's no longer suited to my rapidly expanding frame

i struggle very deeply with the fatposi movement because my internalised fatphobia is so intense. i have zero fatphobia when it comes to anybody else, and i'm so proud of so many people i know and see for letting go of that life and living authentically and loving who they are now - i envy them. i just know in my soul, i can't do that. in the same way i am unfathomably cruel to myself over little mistakes and accidents that aren't even my fault, how i can be so outright abusive to myself, i know at the same time that i could never by any stretch of the imagination be that way to another person that's not me. the only person i can ever deliberately hurt is me, because i am not worth anything, so it doesn't matter

the same goes for the fatness rule. i am proud of, and happy for, everybody else accepting their fatness. it just can't be me.

i don't know how to let go of the ingrained, rock-solid belief that seems etched into my very being that i will finally be happy and worth something when i'm thin. the things i would agree to if someone could just snap their fingers and make me thin in exchange are absolutely horrifying. i want it more than anything. it has been my whole life's desire for decades and at this point, i don't know how to not want it so much. i just want to be worth something more than anything in the world and i don't know how to uncouple my worth from thinness. i don't see thinness as worth or fatness as a lack of worth in any other human being, so i don't know why i can't escape it when it comes to me

i will say that i cannot stop doing these things again, at this stage, i have to keep doing them to keep control over the situation before it escalates and gets even worse. i know these things are horrible and probably will lead to a full blown ED if i don't watch out, but the alternative is something i just cannot afford. i am so so grateful to everybody for trying to help. i just need to figure out some kind of balance. <3

#fatphobia #trigger warning for eating disorders #long post #internalised fatphobia #self hate

[not-poignant]

ah! (this is the UtB worldbuilding anon) - i see i made the fundamental error of assuming that The Facilities had any actual medically positive societal function in a fic tagged 'dystopian universe' LMAO (/genuinely, am loling at my own self HA) ; id still like to know what the in-universe justification is, esp for the more 'humane' facilities (hv?) but it sounds like we'll get that in-fic from surprise hottie Gary, so!! i am very very much looking forward to it, thank you again for the Content

Yeahhh that tag 'second class citizens - omegas' is a good one for the general direction the dystopian universe is going in as well. :D

Okay let's talk omegaverse and dystopian tropes!

As for the justification: male omegas, because they can't get pregnant, are generally more useful as trophy husbands. Like alphas generally have a biological drive to mate with omegas, most will end up with one, so the idea is to make them as polite and sweet and passive as possible. Many already are those things, but omegas that have been abused can become repressed, or too scared, or 'abnormal' in other ways and in upper class society can end up in rehabilitation centres (most of which just break them so they're at least passive - Hillview aims for something a bit better than that).

In lower class society many male omegas end up working in prostitution, or just end up with an abusive husband and it doesn't matter what they're like or how they're treated. Most are claimed young and have no option to escape their relationship.

It's really common as a trope in a lot of omegaverse content that omegas are generally second-class citizens. They don't have the same rights to jobs, driver's licences, or universities sometimes. They're not allowed to become doctors or other high responsibility jobs. (This is often blamed on the fact that they go into heat on a semi-regular basis (which stereotypically causes them to lose the ability to consent, and they will be fucked by an alpha near them, because they're desperate to be knotted to calm the intensity of a heat - which makes them easy prey for alphas in this state), and a common trope in omegaverse stories is omegas who live on heat suppressants pretending to be betas or even alphas, so they can access the same rights as others, or just don't have to deal with bullshit. This is the premise of my published novel, Blackwood, in my Perth Shifters series).

Efnisien was raised with the hopes that he would 'become' an alpha, and be treated better if he could just be good enough at it - for him that justified the mutilation, the agony, the sexual assault, being beaten constantly by Gwyn, and more - to give you an idea of just how much omegas don't always want to be omegas. Finding out that Crielle has given up on her project and has abandoned him to a place dedicated to making him a soft, passive, complaint omega to be fucked by an alpha in a relationship he has no control over with a spouse he can't choose for himself (arranged marriages are common for omega, and the norm in high society) is pretty mind-shattering for him.

Even if Hillview does it differently, even if he's away from being literally tortured by his family and has people around him who care for him, it's still a pretty profound fall from grace that he's struggling with. And because he's been raised with the worst (but not inaccurate) picture of the worst of the rehabiltation facilities, he thinks he's about to be treated worse than he was growing up.

He's not. But he doesn't know that yet, and we - as the reader (well I suppose I'm the writer but go with me here) - are only learning that over time ourselves.

The fact is, most omegas that aren't Efnisien actually are a lot more placid, docile, gentle, or easily controlled. They are easily taken advantage of. There's less omegas and alphas in this world than betas (though it doesn't seem like it because of the setting, so I need to find a way to get that worldbuilding in there), so they're often left to their own devices, because betas be out here having mostly regular relationships with each other, and the world has generally internalised 'omegas are so helpless they need an alpha to look out for them, so it's better they're in a not great relationship that isn't ideal, than being gang-raped on the streets by random alphas who will take advantage of them' (and sadly, this is sometimes true).

Gary is pretty groundbreaking as an omega psychologist who simply believes in an omega's autonomy. While he's not doing a great job of that in a one-on-one situation, the fact that Hillview is the way that it is already makes it extremely challenging within this dystopian universe. But because he's been raised in a world that has these views about omegas, he has that clash of - this is what I philosophically believe and this is what this centre is for vs. what he's internalised alongside the fact that he's not actually attracted to omegas.

We'll get more into this psychology and the nature of this world as the story goes along! But this is the cliff notes version of where we're at.

I hope that helps anon! As always, you're welcome to ask more questions and some I will and some I won't (mostly around spoilers or what I think is coming up soon in the story etc.) :D

#asks and answers #omegaverse #fae tales au #fae tales #underline the black #perth shifters #pia foxhall #dr gary konowalous #efnisien ap wledig #efnisien's internalised self-hatred re: being an omega is *somewhat* justified #but the fact is it's not himself he should hate #it's the world that has raised him to hate himself to this degree #and specifically crielle #but we'll get there sdlkfjads

[alackofghosts]

i've not been able to stop thinking about jeffrey cranor and joseph fink talking about their contrasting editing styles and how much i like cranor's approach of taking what you love about what you're working on and building on that, instead of endlessly trying to find things that you don't like - especially as someone that loves to take the stick and beat myself to bloody with it, when given an opening, that small reframing of how you approach what you're doing is... nice, yknow

#i've not listened to the whole podcast (i'm neither a writer or interested in podcasting) but i'm glad i didn't skip past the preview ep #while listening to night vale because it changed me as a person #(or at least made me more... idk self-aware) #and i think the fact that joseph fink seemed to have a similar experience to finding thise out helped with internalising it #i like to think i'm always 100% aware of my bullshit (even if unable to stop) but i'm genuinely reeling from the realisation #that i've spent so long powering through burnout and hating my art so *so* much #and that it turns out you can't hate your art into being better and not something that makes you want to recoil from it #the real xp boost is enjoyment

[tedhugheshater]

Nothing more awful than finding all my alleged celebrity look-alikes ugly or what shitty men like to call "mid as fuck" (sorry)

#if someone tells me one more time i remind them of selena gomez im ending things #and if that stupid aaah tiktok filter gives me audrey hepburn again i dont think i can do it anymore #for context my face is round with square tendencies and thick brows and noticeable but upturned nose #(why am i giving my precise face characteristics on the internet...................... what self hatred does to a mf) #posts that reek internalised misogyny #whatever leave me alone ive always been vocal abt the fact i hate myself #mine

[nyxi-pixie]

pov mike wheeler whenever will isnt around

#this isnt funny im severely concerned for his mental wellbeing #but also #its incredibly funny to me bc like girl same if i had a will byers id also be unable to function upon seperation #i do think its fun that their codependency works in that when theyre together theyre rlly good for each other #like super mutually supportive and they have an unparalleled understanding of what each other have been through #and that allows them to be there for each other in a way that v few other people can be #so when theyre together shit is good. but the Second theyre seperated be that through emotional or physical distance shit hits the fan #mikr immediately loses all semblance of sanity in s1 like i love him and he was right but like. imagine u see ur besties body #and ur like oh no he dead but then u hear his voice thru a busted radio bc magic girl and just go ah yes hes alive then back to the mission #and then obvi lucas on the line book is like lol mike fully experiencing depression bc wills not here #abd then uve got will who whenever he gets emotionally distant from mike starts pumping up the self hate train #like. ik the argument was bad and the internalised homophobia was kickin in and stuff but that whole scene w castle byers...do u want a hug #sorry the tags ran away from me again #byler

[tastytoecheese]

White cloth, every body moved on but I...

I stayed there.

#missing #the bat was given to will by Lonnie so he could play bases ball something he was told he should like #jon built castle byers with will after his mum and dad had an argument. They didn't even car when it started to rain #The baseball bat represents internalised homophobia and heteronormativeity. Castle byers represents love and is a safe space for Will #After the byler argument with Mike the one person Will thought he could fully trust after being attacked with homophobia his WHOLE life in- #A town that thought he was hatecrimed when he was and still didn't give a shit. Will was SO heart broken and hurt and mistreated- #he destroyed his only place to be himself with self hate. IM NOT OK #stranger things #byler #will byers #will byers supremacy #i love will byers #will byers deserves better #will deserves better #byler better be canon #i need a time machine #i'm suffering #im not okay #i can't move on #will needs a hug #will needs to be treated better #taylor swift #will byers would be a swiftie #noah schnapp #noah is such a good actor #mike wheeler #mike look what you've done #mike wheeler hate club #lonnie byers #joyce byers

[luxraydyne]

pop quiz what breed of childhood trauma borne neuroticism is it called when being condescended to on just the most neutral, limpid, nothing thoughts you express like you’re a little silly child, or “out of your depth”, or woefully misinformed, or just speaking on something you shouldn’t cause fuckin hell you’re doing it *wrong*, and with the most plainly obvious remark too, makes you want to chew on your own arm until you reach bone marrow

#i hate internet discourse i hate internet discourse i loathe online Big Fandom it makes me come out in hives #i'm not stupid. i'm NOT stupid. i know this. i'm not being mean and nasty and bitchy either. just saying shit wrong. #siiigh i don't want to just stop making shit and like speaking. about stuff. on the internet. but like also. why would you? #there are exceptions (who i hope would recognise themselves if not i apologise) but largely i am more miserable #and more self destructive more regularly since stepping out of anonymity and engaging with people online #except animal crossing. like everyone i've interacted with through acnh has been. really Nice tbh. which is nuts lol #the stories you hear are almost universally bad and yet everyone i've chatted with albeit briefly has been so nice #i get anxiety over whether or not some stranger i'm never gonna meet thinks i'm an imbecile or not like how stupid is that? it's ridiculous #my self esteem has somehow gone backwards??? #it don't fuckin matter! proving a relative nobody wrong and keeping her in her place don't matter! i mean it's daft but what's the point #and i know i need to internalise that i KNOW but damn it's hard #i want to just say fuck it and leave. become like a fandom esque zombie or whatever. but i also want autonomy over what i've produced now #unless i just delete all that too ig #but why should i!! #i go through this cycle every month it's like having an extra self-loathing hormone #if you're super attached to something w my username on it just download it for yourself you have my blessing give urself peace of mind lol #in principle i want to ghost and all of a sudden i'm am unperceivable and none of it's my damn problem any more lmao #but then i'm too bullish and prideful and egotistical so i'm like 'bbbut my seven tumblr followers who always like my silly text posts uwu' #i'm the dw in this scenario. the sign says 'just leave you're a nuisance' and i'm looking right at it like 'he he. no <3' #even if just doing what the signs says would definitely go some way to help with not wanting to just perish. or the arm chewing thing. #i just. simply. think. i would like to know. what it is i have done specifically #i know the answer is somewhere between nonexistent and nonsensical like it's not worth thinking about #what i've done is exist in a way that is arbitrarily deemed stupid/distasteful/ugly/deviant/noisy/irriating/etc it's irrelevant #and yet. there is a burning black void of needing to know in me. anon hate get into my dms tell me why you dislike me so #nothing is scarier. is the phraseology #like a game of wackamole with every utterance. is this one gonna get bapped with the hammer of 'you are so wrong'? why? does it matter? #who knows....it is a mystery...... #i matter so little! i have 50 followers! two (2) ppl read the fanfic and thought it was 'aight! i don't matter! i am such a tiny fish! #what is even the point just leave me be no one cares! #i *could* redirect this hysterical existential horror energy into my original work. i *should* do that

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads // twitter thread  

Ace of Hearts

short contemporary romance

after a career-ending sports injury causes Felix to lose his scholarship, he marries his best friend for free tuition at the college where she works

they realise they have feelings for each other and their marriage could become real, but are threatened by her abusive father

sex-repulsed ace MC

#Ace of Hearts #aroaessidhe 2023 reads #asexual books #i thought this was alright! its pretty short i think it's a novella #theres some things that im like. what were they actually studying at uni lol. does it even tell us. idk how american uni works. #none of the story focused on that #also she seems pretty self-hating about being ace but then says she’s totally accepted herself about it? but like…..evidence shows she’s not #maybe it's just that she's self hating and depressed and noone will love her because of this and that shes ace and but also that's separate #from how she feels about her asexuality it just did not read that way lmao #anyway not that there's a problem with writing internalised aphobia - but it just felt weird that it pretended that that's not what it was? #unlike other romances that throw in random trauma as a plot device the abusive father stuff was woven in and not unexpected

[halfelven]

really irritating when strangers message you and just assume you hate yourself because you grew up around homophobia. my father literally was like no one will ever love you and i was like okayyyyyyy but i’m gonna love myself just so you’re wrong and then i did

#no one here #this just keeps happening on dating apps #still not over the time i went to a ‘dinner party’ #and everyone there was calling everyone there worthless #like oh we’re all just worthless sacks of shit #like no i’m not #they did not enjoy me disagreeing with them about this #stop assuming everyone hates themself! #start working on liking yourself #it will probably take deconstructing a lot of things #do nice things for yourself #and then thank yourself #and stop constantly putting yourself down #what about the kids with similar traits or issues seeing that #and internalising that shame and self loathing? #you aren’t worthless because you’re exhausted and need nine hours of sleep every day #it’s society that’s wrong #txt #miscellaneous

[satans-knitwear]

What's causing the Big Sad for you? Talking about it could help.

Unfortunately its just shitty brain chemistry for me. I have no reason for sad to be so overwhelming.

#Lack of independence can get to me sometimes. And also lack of friendly socialisation. And no self worth. And a bit of internalised rage. #Feeling useless and pathetic only ever adds to my sad- so i try to be helpful and do things. But sometimes it just isnt physically possible #Absolutely exhausted from the constant struggle in my brain. Its probs just a bit of burn-out. #It will pass quickly. It has to. #Asks #I hate that i typed that actually. Bc all depression is valid. Not 'just' anything.and im no lesser for that

[isobluebelle]

pink roses

only now as the days reach their end

do i appreciate girlhood for all it was

the femininity i tried so hard to rid

myself of is now my most prized possession

the pink, the frills, and the sparkles

i hid underneath a layer of darkness,

self-hatred, and insecurity

now shine for the world to see

no longer a muted pink but

a neon you cannot tear

your eyes away from

because i love being a girl,

a woman, a lady

the love and tenderness

we have for each other

the jokes and whispers we share

i grieve the child who was ashamed

the experiences and growth she missed

i am a constant visitor to a graveyard

of myself

a place to reflect

and breathe

i pace around trying to understand

who i was and who i am

the attempts are always futile

all i know

is that i am a girl, a woman, a lady,

and that is okay

i lift my veil off my own face

and on the casket i leave pink roses

#poetry #poets on tumblr #girlhood #childhood #internalised misogyny #girl #writer #poet #love #hate #i hate myself #misogyny #self hatred