#internal struggle | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xariaseesred · 1 month

Text

chapter two

FLAMES

Overview: This delves deeper into the dynamics between Keitaro and an old friend, as well as closely exploring Keitaro's complex feelings towards Haruki and his internal struggle with his own identity and past. It will include vivid scenes and emotions throughout the chapter. Through it all, you'll witness the complexities of Keitaro's temperament, the challenges it brings to the use of his "curse" which not only serves as a glimpse into his mind, but also adds layers to the dynamics between characters.

Happy reading below the cut!! ; )

The rain, as expected, cools me down enough for me to coherently find my way back to the hideaway. The library being close to the edge of the city, makes it easy to get there from the countryside that has been abandoned ages ago simply because it is impossible to grow any healthy crops in a climate on haywire all the time.

The field is, like any other part of the city, filled with all kinds of wreckage. Fun to jump around on. Although one mishap could get you impaled.

Old military run facilities were a good hiding spot. As kids we ran off to find a place and ended up at the end of a runway. A spot with three hangars built to store huge planes in. Long forgotten for the sake of flight safety with the aggressive storms and all. The hangars had lightning rods though, we could harness electricity with little to no difficulty and enough space to not feel too cramped up. Food is a little less accessible but through errand runs and with the help of the area’s security guard we get by well enough. Griffin is good security. Not good enough to rat us out, but good enough to keep anyone who’s not with us, out of the premise. A weird man with endless stories, some too extravagant to even consider true, but entertaining nonetheless. My twin sister, Kira and I practically raised ourselves, but he was there watching us leave and return with cuts and bruises or even worse injuries only he was equipped to treat. Whether or not he got questions about his bloody clothes from his higher-ups is sadly information I don’t have. We have yet to get in trouble though and it’s all thanks to him.

“Aww, the wet puppy has arrived!” Kira announces as I jump off a broken airplane wing, down to the hangar's main area. I mumble a string of mocking incoherent noises back and toss her the plastic bag of books I brought her. The oil changing of the engine she has been working on for around a week now has her undivided attention until the bag lands in her lap. She read that she had to do that somewhere but had little information as to how she was going to go about things.

“I got your books, so shut it.” I take a seat on a stool and let my head hang heavily. Her face lights up before it morphs into a frown.

“I see that, wow. What a treasure hunt you went through.” “Lose the attitude, will you? You’ve been gone for days and I don’t even get a hug upon your arrival?”

“I found nothing! How am I supposed to feel, huh? And Haruki…” My fists clench at their own accord, heating up and threatening to set themselves on fire.

“You were bound to run into him at some point, please. He owns the place, Taro.” she scoffs.

“Still hurts.” Kira places her books onto her desk neatly, then makes her way over to me in a similar manner to how one would approach a stray cat. We are twins. Two halves of a whole as our mother liked to call us. Kira is a complete polar opposite of me in almost every way I can think of. If I was in her shoes at this moment, I would not know what to do with her. Kira on the other hand has learned to take care of me the way our parents did. A little rougher on the edges, but still efficient enough to not have me quite literally explode.

Instead of talking to me anymore about what I’ve been up to the past two days, she cradles my head while standing next to me. Not without a fight though, but she eventually gets a solid hold and rests her head on top of mine, in turn letting my hair soak her favorite hoodie that’s been through a lot with her. Occasional small holes, oil stains, spray paint, markers, even food since she is unintentionally a very messy eater, and all of which she has not been able to wash away despite hours of trying. Kira holds onto it despite that , and refuses to get rid of it. The hoodie getting wet is the last of her worries. She holds me until my hands stop glowing like the earth’s core and my heartbeat reaches a somewhat normal rate.

“We need to redo these, buddy.” Kira grabs one of my locs between her fingers then brings them all backwards in a soothing manner. My mood is still sour but it does the trick and sleepiness crashes over me like a tidal wave. She scratches my scalp gently with blunt nails, occasionally massaging my head to ease any tension that might still linger.

“You can do it if you want, I’m way past the point of caring.”

“I see that,” she snickers, tugging on my ear playfully.

“Shut up! I just wanna shower and sleep. I feel disgusting.”

“Do that then, I’ll heat up some food for us.” She doesn’t make it far before I see her stop in her tracks in the corner of my eye, facing towards the entrance of the hangar. I look up to see what it is and she turns her head back to me, giving me an apologetic look before occupying herself with her new books. She just told me to go shower and she would prepare food. Why did she change her plans? Aiming a glare back at the entrance, the lightning outside lights up a shadow that grows bigger by the second.

My flight instincts are on high alert now. Although Kira does not seem all that worried, this occasion is not a usual one. If Griffin is planning to pay us a visit, he will send us a message through the crappy radio on our dinner table. Other than that, it really is just me and my twin sister. Whoever decided to waltz in here without warning must be lost. Gone miles away from where they should be. And by the looks of it, Kira is not going to help me figure it out.

“Kira, what the hell? You expecting someone?” There is no sign of alertness in her stance which keeps me in my seat. All she gives me is a shrug and a tight smile, completely lacking eye contact.

“This has nothing to do with her. I’m just here to give you your bag, Keitaro.” Ah, the shadow speaks. I can feel my heart rise up into my throat and I choke on whatever threat I was going to throw at him along with his name in a weak whisper. Haruki Nakajima is here in flesh and blood. God must have really had it out for me this week.

“Here. I’ll leave.” I do not know what he might pick up from my feelings, but I am frozen in place while he places a strap from my bag into my hand that is getting hotter by the second while I myself feel like a brick of ice. His face is still covered in a shadow from his hat so it’s hard to make out any expressions. He steps back even further from Kira’s desk light, seeming completely out of place. Kira lets out a heavy sigh behind him, knocking me out of my trance and gaining Haruki’s attention.

“Welcome, Haruki,” she smiles, pulling out a chair for him to sit in. “Wanna eat?”

“Can’t say no to that,” he says shyly, walking over to greet her. It has been a while since the two of them saw each other since I’m the only one who ever goes to the library. I leave them to go to the bathroom. Bag grabbed tightly. I never noticed I left it at the library, its content is far too important for such a mistake to occur.

Once in the confines of my own quarters, I dump the bag down on the mattress and fall down on it right after like a sea star; exhausted. The water from my poncho slowly seeps through the sheets, making me jump up at unimaginable speed. I am not changing those today.

The shower washes away days of sweating through busy streets and awfully crowded bars, miles of walking in untraced and treacherous forests and hours spent in different libraries looking for something I am not sure even exists. A way out. It is starting to sound like a fairytale. A sick and twisted one. I close my eyes and wish someone has not been trailing me. I also thank Kira and her smarts since she figured out how to get us hot water since it is easing out nearly all the tension in my body. My muscles feel like newly puffed pillows. Kira is a genius, really. She likes to do stuff constantly, build things, and create new ways to solve problems. Me, I am just there to give her books so she can do the things she wants to do correctly because I am the one who usually knows where to find things. An acquired skill I am starting to doubt heavily these days.

The hot shower, as relaxing as it is, does not wash away any of my worries however. Our parents are still gone, I have not found a way off this cursed land and people like me still move like prey in this predatory society. Haruki? Well…he still reminds me too much of what I am. Also cursed.

I avoid Haruki every moment that occurs like a plague, but it only keeps my head stuck thinking where I should go next. Only criteria is being somewhere he is not. It becomes an exhausting practice after nearly ten years of doing so. It is too draining so I have subconsciously resorted to being cold whenever I am forced to interact with him. Icy, snappy replies to any innocent question or suggestion he might have, in hopes that he stays away from me on his own. But since he is a saint who cannot do anything of the sort even if it is to protect himself, it results in him bringing back my bag and sharing dinner with us in our home. It went as wrong as it could go. Griffin is going to have to explain himself too for that matter.

I hear Kira and Haruki chatter in hushed voices through the door of my quarters and decide to block it out for the moment and really take my time getting dressed and getting my head out the gutter. My eyes catch the bag on the mattress figuring I should probably check that everything is in there. Notebooks, maps, bandages, cleaning alcohol, extra clothes, and wetland shoes. All check. I stare at the contents for a moment longer and a new fear arises. Haruki would not open and read my journal, would he? The page marker was pulled out entirely from the journal. Silky, wide black string laying flat across the other contents of the bag. If Haruki is the cause of that, the man is 1: unbelievably klutzy and 2: aware of what I’m always doing in his library. If he told anyone, it would not take long before I was either thrown into a deadly prison or just killed. Not to mention he is indirectly mentioned in my journal one too many times for me to be comfortable with the notion of him having read it.

Hunger and unmatched exhaustion is enough to push the concerning thoughts away. It is enough for me to brave up and leave my quarters and set foot towards the already set dinner table. Haruki is seated timidly by the table watching Kira bring the last plate to the table with his hands fidgeting impatiently in his lap, cracking a few knuckles every now and then. I always hated that but it was the only sign of nervousness one could ever get from him. His face is always covered and he never was one to talk about himself so when we were children, I grew to have a little appreciation for the knuckle cracking as gross as it is. He still managed to form a soft smile and laugh at Kira’s silly little jokes. The scene felt uncomfortably familiar. Enough to tug painfully at my heart. After the shower, the anger was replaced with sadness and that sadness only grew at the sight of my twin sister and once best friend in our home.

“Oh, Keitaro!” Kira announces once she sees me. I stopped moving long ago and had to once again bring my thoughts back down to earth. “Please come eat, we waited for you.”

“You shouldn’t have,” I mumbled under my breath, taking a seat opposite her. She rolls her eyes at my statement before she starts serving each one of us the soup she heated up. When she gets to mine, the radio goes off in statistics.

“Guys, incoming.” It was Griffin’s voice being heard through the speakers. I let out a humorless breathy laugh before I say a quick prayer and dig into my soup. He has really put himself in deep shit now. Kira laughs a little too. Haruki on the other hand, is visibly confused, eyes going from me, to my sister, then to the radio, several times.

“Don’t worry, it’s just our friend,” Kira chuckles, giving him a quick pat on the back. His head twitches upwards slightly in registration to this information, but he remains still. Not at all surprising since we all pretty much live in hiding and “friends” are considered a luxury in this day and age. Haruki does not pry any further. He just closes his eyes for a few seconds before he too starts eating.

We sit in relative silence. I know Kira hates it and I cannot really do much about that. Reality feels so distant, it almost feels like I’m being fed the soup in front of me and my head is in the clouds without anything solid to grab onto. I am lost in thoughts without end until Griffin, the failure of a security today, makes his entrance.

“Evening, kids!” He beams, arms out in a warm greeting. I refuse to hear any of it and he has to know.

Within just a few moments, I have the old man pushed back out and around the door we indeed keep open to not die of heat. It might rain and thunderstorm all the time but the heat is next to unbearable. I stand in the rain with a solid grip on the man’s collar, gritted teeth and hands threatening to start glowing again. ‘What has happened has happened‘ is what Kira would say but here is the thing, I don’t want it to happen again.

“He had your bag, buddy, you know how you get about that thing,” Griffin stutters nervously, letting out a laugh in an attempt to ease the situation. The idiocy is laughable. An excuse like that could kill him right here on the spot.

“That’s enough to get him past you?” My eyes squint in question and my jaw is starting to hurt. Griffin better think about his future before he utters anymore nonsense.

“Okay, okay! Just–” His words are cut off and my glare goes down to my grip that has already tightened far too much, it has nearly cut off his airway. I loosen it reluctantly to let him speak. I feel like choking the stupidity out of him but I do not have the energy for that at the moment and his face was getting a concerning red color. Lucky for him, I am not planning on ending his life.

“Okay, thank you. Oh heavens,” he breathes, nursing his neck with a careful hand around his throat and the other kept steady on his knee. I watch him Catch his breath, almost starting to feel a little guilty until he shrugs in a careless manner.

“Spill!” I say feeling impatient. Griffin straightens himself up with great effort and drags down the zipper of his windbreaker slightly.

“You know, he had your little brand thingy.”

“Our little brand thingy,” I laugh bitterly. “I’m not gonna ask again, Griffin.”

“Keitaro, who else knows about it except you people?”

“You.”

“Fine, but the ominous guy had it on his stomach so he showed me and I thought it was okay since he had your bag and all, and you’ve been gone for like two days buddy. I assumed he knew you. Your bag is like your most priced possession. You won’t even let me anywhere near it.” He finishes his frantic rant with a sigh before he tries to fruitlessly look for a seat out here.

“Never again, man. Never.” He nods quickly and puts a hand to chest dramatically. I push him back into the hangar feeling pretty much done with everyone and everything.

“Anyone ever tell you that you should respect your elders?” Griffin utters over his shoulder.

“Don’t test me today if you value your job, old man.” He is lucky I cannot shoot laser beams out of my eyes.

We finish our food in silence while I once again disappear into a haze. Gone enough to not notice Kira dragged Griffin off to her engine to show him something. It is routine for her to do so but I wish she would hold off on that at least until Ki left. Instead she went through with it and the two of us were trapped in an awkward silence. How do you even begin to explain to someone that they are a reflection to the monster you are? How do you make them stay away from you when back in the days you considered each other a complete set together. How do I erase years of pain I have caused?

“Keitaro?” I hear from beside me, almost a whisper and could easily have been missed if it was not for the fact that we were seated in nearly dead silence. I look up at him, but he has his head down and face covered as usual, making my heart’s acceleration halt for a second. “I’m sorry if I make you uncomfortable,” he goes on to say, his head falling even lower. Is he really sorry if he stayed for dinner knowing that? “I just wanted an opportunity to talk to you.”

Silence falls over us again. We should talk. That is the right thing to do. Being alone with him is overwhelming though. Agh, I also want to know if he even touched my journal. I should really stop writing stuff about this self-assigned mission I am on. Someone is bound to see it.

My head hurts from all this thinking. It is pulsating like a second heart, driving me absolutely mad. I stand up, grabbing Haruki by the arm a little farther away from Kira and Griffin’s loud chatter back and forth. Haruki steadies himself on his feet and tries to relax himself under my skeptical gaze that hides insecurity and years of pent up sadness.

“Go ahead.” Just in that moment his unit rings loudly between us, interrupting whatever Haruki had right at the tip of his tongue. He looks at his unit, biting his bottom lip so hard it almost looks painful. I hesitate to put a calming hand on his shoulder which he notices, backing away in reflex. As much as it hurts, as much as the sharp sting in my throat is begging me to shed tears in front of him, I stand my ground and let him leave to take his call. In that instant, the voices of Griffin and Kira stop, gaining my attention. Kira knows better than to ask any further questions so they carry on with their rambling.

It is a relief to see that my sister is not burdened with excruciating thoughts of escaping all we know for a dream outside the barriers of our imagination. Yet she tries her hardest to come up with plans, plan B:s and sub plans to keep my mind at ease. Griffin accidentally became her idea-dumpster and I thank higher power every day since he seems to enjoy it. Our father would have loved it too, but he died years ago. The inner emptiness in Kira’s life was so prominent she almost died from lack of food and sleep. Hope was crucial in her life and since our father could not provide her with that any longer, I had to take that responsibility and join our minds to form a plan that would take us to this supposed “better” life; off the Island. Griffin took the dumpster role as the elder here and he has silly stories to tell from his unbelievably eventful life as a soldier in the Islands top force, before he got booted for excessive drinking. The stories make Kira laugh though, and I could not ask for much more.

0 notes

capableism · 1 year

Text

“What would Dory do?”

Finding Dory does an excellent job of expanding on the societal prejudices and perceptions of physically disabled people compared to people with mental differences. Dory's character development goes hand in hand with the story of Marlin. Finding Dory teaches

2 lessons: pride for those with cognitive differences and teaches non-disabled people to go beyond tolerance or inclusivity in activities.

That's not valuing the whole person. It is a step toward acknowledging disability compared to "not seeing disability," which is a positive. "Both Marlin and Dory eventually learn that this is not the case, proving to the audience that Dory's unique mindset, something caused by her disability, is actually a useful trait. Marlin is actually the first to identify Dory's difference as valuable." (Klinowski 53)

In Finding Dory, we meet a septopus named Hank. He is the bridging character between having a physical disability and still holding an ableist mindset of Dory (a mentally different character. He reiterates what Marlin and Dory's first encounter was like saying, "there's something wrong with you." Hank's disability is not a massive part of the plot. Instead he is focused on living life in a glass box. He says he has “extremely bad memories” of the ocean. This suggests he was traumatized by losing a tentacle emphasizing the emotional side of having a disability.

"After characters initially question Dory's capability, the film finally begins to show the audience that these accusations are misguided. The scene where Dory and Hank make their way through the Institute inside a baby carriage exemplifies this shift in how the film portrays disabled characters. (Finding Dory 00:38:46-00:39:35) This scene puts Dory in charge of giving directions to Hank to get them to the right exhibit to find her parents. Showing how reading human is a skill that continues beyond the first film. It is a strength Dory can utilize without Marlin.

In Finding Dory's baby carriage scene, " the viewers' expectations of the partnership are reversed. Because of Dory's cognitive disability and the discriminatory remarks already levied against her within the film, the audience might expect that Dory would require assistance in the intellectual work needed to find her parents. Similarly, because Hank is missing a limb, viewers might dismiss the possibility that he could take care of the physical side of this endeavor. This scene disproves these ableist assumptions. (Klinowski 53)

In the first film, Dory begs Marlin not to leave her. "Please don't go away, no one's ever stuck with me so long before, and if you leave, I just remember things better with you."

Everybody needs companionship.Finding Nemo is about inclusiveness. Specifically the need for inclusion despite resistance from able bodied characters. Having Dory cling to Marlin is a way to enforce that non disabled people must include disabled people because they have "special needs." Finding Dory shows independence and the community aspect of people with disabilities. Dory has more than enough characters to rely on besides the non-disabled. She teaches Hank, a fellow disabled character, the value of optimism. She is guided by a friend named Destiny, a blind white whale.

Even Destiny's dependency on her non-disabled friend, Bailly, is played for laughs because Destiny is the brains while Bailly is the eyes. Everyone with a disability has value and can rely on their community, while able-bodied characters learn how to value disabled characters beyond inclusion.

Source

Klinowski, Stacie, "Finding Nemo, Finding Dory, Finding Ourselves: How and Why We Teach Our Children to Think About Disability" (2018). English. 25. https://scholarsarchive.library.albany.edu/honorscollege_eng/25

17 notes · View notes