Holding on..(oneshot)
Bucky Barnes x reader
Summary: you notice Bucky is been more quiet then usual. He’s not talking to anyone, not even you. Bucky becomes withdrawn, his eyes are more puffy and sleep deprived, you notice he’s not eating as much either.
Warning: ‼️ ANGST, MENTIONS SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION AND SLIGHT GORE, SOME COMFORT, PANIC ATTACK.
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I’m usually up at ridiculous times in the morning, I’m quite productive in the early mornings. So I simply walk around the avengers tower until I feel sleepy enough to go back to bed.
This was one of those mornings.
I travelled down to the kitchen to go and grab a snack, I looked out of the big windows to see the beautiful pink and yellow sunrise. I smiled at how gorgeously detailed the sky was. I continued to walk downstairs. As I entered the kitchen I saw a figure, I immediately recognised who it was. I smiled widely, happy to see him
“Hey Bucky-” Bucky turned around. My smile slightly faulted.
My eyes travelled to his face..
His eyes seemed like they were sunken in by the dark eye bags it looks like he hasn’t slept in days. I took a closer look at his eyes and they looked red and puffy, like he’s been crying, fresh tear stains glided apon his cheeks. My stare slowly appeared downwards to his chest and ribcage, his body looked skinnier, malnourished. I stared at him not completely recognising the person in front of me. What happened to the other Bucky?
I looked at all of him…together. A concerned feeling settled in my chest.
I thought about a way to approach him. I softened my tone and eyes
“Hey buck, Are you alright?” Bucky responded with a nod and a grunt. His face was expressionless, numb even.
Bucky pushed past me and quickly walked to his quarters. I instinctively ran after him. I approached his door to his room. And softly knocked on.
“Bucky..” I called apon him softly. There was no answer. I decided to push down on the handle, I wander into Bucky bedroom. It was dark and messy.
“Bucky?” I gently called out to him.
My eyes wandered throughout his room, until I saw his balcony doors were open, the curtains were softly blowing towards me, almost leading me onto the rail. I gulped hardly, I felt sick to my stomach, wandering what i could find. Hopefully an alive Bucky I thought.
As I got closer I saw a silhouette of a figure sat down. I breathed out a sigh of relief. I got closer to Bucky, Bucky didn’t even looked over to see who it was, he was curled up, leaning against the railing. A shiver went down my spine. I decided to sit down with him I sat the other side. Not once did he look at me, to which I found bizarre. I saw his Adam’s Apple bob up and down. He looked so tired…
I spoke up.
“I understand if you don’t want to talk. But I won’t be leaving you like this. We can just sit here in silence if that’s what you want. But just know that I’m here for you.” I placed a hand on his knee to let him know that I am actually here. I saw Buckys jaw clenched and his eyes quickly glance at me then to the hand on the knee.
Bucky furrowed his eyebrows, his eyes looking down. It looked like Bucky was having an internal conflict
“I can’t cope anymore.” I sat there in silence waiting for him to say more
“I hear there screams…there screams. The ones that I killed” his voice broke a little.
“There cries for me to stop, to have mercy on them. . They haunt me. Every goddamn face is attached to me in my dreams. There’s not one moment of peace where I get to just take a breath, without the reminder that I’ve killed someone.”
I nodded gently, still listening.
“I am….bearly…hanging on and nobody can see how much pain I am in.” The tears in his eyes began to fill, as his voice cracks.
“I just can’t do it…anymore.” Bucky broke down, his breathing became unsteady, as tears streamed down his face his chest rised up and down quickly, as I could hear him struggle to keep calm. I slowly moved myself closer to bucky. I cupped his hands, and brought them forward so he looks at me.
“James. Breathe.” My gaze was soft I looked him in his eyes, and took a breath, held it, and let it go.
He repeated the action. Slowly he began breathing more steadily.
“What was that?” Bucky asked, he averted eye contact.
“It was a panic attack.” I responded.
“Bucky look at me. You need to understand that you didn’t have a choice in becoming the winter soldier. What you did…it wasn’t your fault, You hear me?. You fought back for as long as you could. You did your best. You tried, and that’s all anyone could ask for.” My words were firm but reassuring. I saw buckys body somewhat relax, however I could tell he was still on guard.
“Can I hug you?” I asked, he looks like he could use one. Bucky slightly nodded.
I moved myself next to Bucky, I held my arms open. He moved in slowly, I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a tight squeeze. He let go first and instead rested his head on my shoulder.
“Your not alone James, you’ll always have someone in your corner even if you don’t think you do”
“Mhm” he responded, I looked over and saw that Bucky was drifting off, his eyes looked so heavy, he looked like he could just collapse at anytime.
“Come on buck. Let’s go to bed” I slowly began to stand up. I grabbed Buckys arm and hinted at him to stand up too. He reluctantly got up. I led him to his bed. To which he shook him head and said:
“No. I don’t sleep there.” He pointed at the floor I saw a thin cushion, and a blanket filled with holes. I turned around to him.
“I understand however, just for the rest of the morning sleep on the bed please” I compromised with him, hoping that it would get him to understand that sleeping on the bed for one night wouldn’t hurt him. He nodded. I pulled back the black duvet, Bucky sat down on the bed, and eventually laid down, I saw he had shoes and a jacket on so I took them both off, too make him slightly more comfortable. I placed the duvet over him, and moved the hair out of his face.
“Goodnight” I smiled.
“Wait. Could you stay here until I atleast fall asleep ? I would feel better if I had someone in the room…” he looked a tad guilty.
“Sure” I smiled. I went over the the cabinets and picked out a soft blanket. And made myself comfy on the small chair he had in the corner.
Eventually quiet snores could be heard from Bucky. I felt like I could take a breath. I felt tired as well, so I decided to take a nap..
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helllloooooo thank you for readingggggggg I hope it was okay :)
Goodbyeeee
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Boyd Holbrook as Clement Mansell in Justified: City Primeval - BTS/Make-Up photos
I love these! These are some wonderful photos of our Boyd! Boyd is incredible, wonderful and such a cutie! Love him! He’s the best! ❤️🌟🔥😍🥰❤️🔥
Thank you so much, justine1stofhername via Instagram and all the other make-up artists, who worked on JCP, for sharing these wonderful photos!
I love Clement’s tattoos, especially the chest tattoo! And also this tattoo, Sandy’s tattoo!
Full photo:
Also these are wonderful photos! Shame it’s in poor quality. But better than nothing. Thank you so much, Taxman, Pollock, Murray & Bekkerman, LLC via Linkedin, for sharing these photos! And also huge thanks to @justifiedsource for sharing this in the first place! Great find indeed!
I also bet there are even much more BTS photos or even videos (bloopers/gag reel and stuff) from Justified: City Primeval. Wish we could have them.
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