Villain!Stephen: *climbing through Tony's bedroom window at night* Oh don’t worry, I’m vaccinated. Why are you screaming.
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Stephen: *crying over how his life has gone to hell*
Tony: *crying and trying to comfort Stephen while also crying over his own bad life*
Peter: Um dads? I fell down the stairs and broke my foot like 30 minutes ago can you please help me
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Anyone: *annoys Stephen*
Stephen: Hmm. Eat glass.
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Stephen: We call that a traumatic moment!
Stephen, turning to Tony: Not a “funny story”
Stephen, turning to Peter: Or a “Major L”
Stephen, turning to Harley: Or a “Ooph lmao”
Peter: What about a yikes moment?
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Tony: How do I make a date really romantic?
Rhodey: Try being mysterious
Tony: Got it
(Later, on a date with Stephen)
Stephen: So, where are we going?
Tony: None of your fucking business
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Tony: Aren't you tired of your current issues? Don't you want new problems?
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Stephen: I can’t believe you two got yourselves into a fight
Tony: And on the first day of school!
Peter: In my defense, I tried to stop Harley from punching that guy
Peter: Harley, stop punching him!
Peter: Kick him! That hurts more!
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Stephen on twitter: Massive, violent debate at the family D&D game about whether dicksucking is a dexterity, constitution, or wisdom roll.
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Harley: This is how I always get out of escape rooms. If you break enough stuff they open the door and kick you out.
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Christine: I am building delicious soups from powerful broths you couldn't even comprehend. I have soups that could make you forgive your father.
Tony: Impossible. But the claim is audacious enough to intrigue anyway.
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Tony: What’s this?
Stephen: Organic food
Tony: … what’s that mean?
Stephen: It’s better for you
Tony: … does it come in cupcake form?
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[Tony creeping up on a sleeping Stephen]
Tony, leaning next to his ear: *SCREAMS*
Stephen: *wakes up calmly* *blinks twice*
Stephen: *slaps Tony in the face and goes back to sleep*
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Pepper: Are you sure you aren’t dating Tony?
Stephen: If I am, I certainly wasn’t informed of it.
Pepper: To be fair, if any of us were dating someone without realizing it, it would be you.
Bruce: You and Strange are dating right?
Tony, eating chips: Fuck yeah we are
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Tony: How petty are you?
Stephen: I once edited a Wikipedia page to win an argument I was wrong about.
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Stephen: *just finished setting up his ritual*
Tony: What the hell!?
Stephen: You told me to satanize the house... ?
Tony: I said to sanitize the house
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Ghost!Donna: [drawing a pentagram on the floor]
Stephen: What are you doing?
Ghost!Donna: You told me to satanize the house.
Stephen: I said SANITIZE.
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Tony: why does Christine think the ligature marks on my wrists are from you tying me down?
Stephen: presumably she thinks you’re as bad at following instructions in bed as she is
Tony: But you hate me?
Stephen: every inch of you
Stephen: that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t blow you
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Harley: We all have a head, a body, a neck and a sound hole so technically we are all ukuleles.
Stephen: How do you come up with these things?
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Stephen : HAPPY PRIDE MONTH LOVE !!
Tony : I'm not gay.
Stephen : I'm sorry????? Tony we are married.
Tony : Oh yeah. Sorry.
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The Ancient One: There are some things beyond our understanding. We must accept them and learn from them. Because these moments of crisis are also potential moments of faith. A time, when we either come together or fall apart. Nature always has a way of balancing itself. The only question is, what part will we play?
Stephen: ... Did you just make that up?
The Ancient One: No. I read it in a fortune cookie once.
The Ancient One: A really long fortune cookie.
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