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#incorrect tua quotes
feralnumberfive · 5 hours ago
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Allison: I know how to say “I need to study” in Japanese
Klaus: I know how to say “I’m fucking depressed” in English
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Me to Klaus: I will cut off your toes and make you wear them on a necklace.
Five: *staring at me*
Me: what-
Five: I'm in love with you now.
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umpa1lumpa · 16 hours ago
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Five: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset?
Y/n: No, I said "Five, don't lick that swingset" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swingset.
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just-incorrect-tua · 16 hours ago
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five, pointing a knife at diego: stay back, slut
diego: I JUST WANTED SOME COFFEE JESUS CHRIST
klaus: i'm offended, i thought i was the resident slut! i must defend my title with honour!
ben: y'all are so weird
luther having to google "slut": confused noises
allison just violently choking on her drink in the corner:
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tuaklave · 19 hours ago
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Dave: Whats that?
Klaus: *dragging a tree* Nothing
Dave:
Klaus: Its just a plant that I rescued
Dave:
Klaus: ...From the plant shelter
Dave: You cant keep calling the garden centre a plant shelter
Klaus: You say tomato and I say mind ya business
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captain-valkyrie · 20 hours ago
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Date Night
Five Hargreeves x Reader
"Do you--maybe-- want to go on a date with me tonight?" Five asked, looking at the floor and scratching his neck.
You gave him a funny look. "Do you have temporary amnesia or something? We've been dating for 2 years."
He gave an exasperated sigh. "No, I'm asking if you'd maybe want to go on a date tonight. Like the cute shit other couples do, like going to restaurants and stuff."
You smiled sightly. "You mean like a date night?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
15 minutes later, you and Five were in his car, waiting at the red light. He seemed a little nervous, you thought. He was jiggling his leg, jumpier than you had ever seen him. Was it the pressure of being around other people?
Screw what other people did.
"Hey," you spoke softly, touching his knee. "We don't have to do this. We can go home if you want."
He shook his head.
"You're not comfortable with this." You stated.
Five couldn't deny that.
"So turn the car around. Let's change into our pajamas and order takeout and look for a true crime documentary to watch. Just like we do every other night." You encouraged. Five immediately felt himself relax at the mention of a date night at home, with you, alone. Just the both of you.
And so he did just that. He turned the car around and drove the both of you back home. Then you pulled out your phone and ordered Indian food and he picked out a documentary while you were waiting for your food to arrive.
He and you ended up falling asleep on the couch. There was this hazy glow of happiness that made it hard for Five to think about anything else other than how at peace he felt that night, but he did vaguely remember thinking about how this was how it ought to be.
Every single night.
TUA Tags: @zerocanonlywriteshit @i-heart-fictional-boys
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captain-valkyrie · 20 hours ago
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It's You I Need Tonight
Five Hargreeves x Reader
It was 1 am, and you were sprawled on your couch watching a documentary. You weren't involved in it very much, because Five was due to come back from a mission soon.
Sure enough, a few minutes later, a blue light took your attention away from the TV and to the source of it. Five was standing in your living room, a little beat up, hair messy, and the rare streaks of blood--not his, you hoped--on his face.
He narrowed his eyes at you. "Is that my shirt?"
You smiled slightly. "I must have--ah, misappropriated it. How'd the mission go?"
Five's expression changed to a more solemn one, and you stood up from your position on the couch.
"Not--not bad," He said hesitantly. You put your arms around him.
"It's Vanya. She's-" He sucked in a breath. "Well, she got a little hurt. A lot hurt. "
"Oh." You breathed, your voice small. "You know, it's alright if you want to stay over at the Academy tonight?" You asked. Vanya was Five's favorite sibling. She meant tons to him. You knew that.
He shook his head, almost too fast. "No." He said, voice shaking ever so slightly. "It's--It's you I need tonight."
TUA Tags: @zerocanonlywriteshit @i-heart-fictional-boys
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captain-valkyrie · 23 hours ago
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Bonnie and Clyde - [1/?]
Assassin!Five Hargreeves x Writer!Reader
Based on this post. I changed the serial killer!Five to assassin!Five because--well, serial killers are a little...too much. On the other hand, an assassin is just a serial killer who takes commissions. This is an AU where the siblings don't have powers, the Commission is a mafia, and Five happens to be their hitman.
Warnings: Descriptions of murder, violence
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Number 4, Tolland Drive was a very bleary place.
Detective Howe strolled the driveway before nonchalantly stepping into the house. He took a look of the lawn. It should have been muddy, having rained early this morning, but Mr. Benson's lawn was impeccable.
The door was slightly ajar; the living room in total disarray. Timothy whimpered behind him. "Quiet, lad." Howe growled, looking surreptitiously over his shoulder before taking another step into the kitchen, where Mr. Benson was lying.
Timothy whimpered something incoherent in response.
Howe walked briskly to the grim, motionless figure and crouched down near his head.
"Hmm.. yes, a gun shot to the head indeed. Timothy!" he called, and the boy jumped. "Read the reports of the Allenhurst and the Evan Street cases."
"S-Stab wound by a serrated blade and a butter knife to the brachial artery, respectively, sir."
Howe hummed. "There's no doubt that the perpetrator is the same."
"But the weapons are all different, sir?"
"Precisely."
***
"Y/N, I'm home." Five sighed, shutting the door to your shared apartment, and slumping against the door. You got up from your desk chair and stepped out of your room. Your boyfriend was there, alright, looking exhausted as ever. "Rough day, honey?" You soothed, placing a hand on his cheek. "You've got no idea," Five said, looking up at you.
You smiled. The butcher shop where he worked was really very disconcerting; he had told you all about the annoying customers and the smell of raw meat and blood. It was terrible enough to tire out a grown man.
"Want me to put some coffee on? And then I'll show you the scene I wrote today," you said, running your hands across his shoulders in an attempt to relax him.
"That's great! You can show..me..." Five yawned, then groaned. "after I go take a shower."
You shook your head affectionately as you watched him topple into the bathroom.
Much love xxx how's the story so far lol?
TUA Tags: @zerocanonlywriteshit @i-heart-fictional-boys
Ask me if you wanna be tagged!!
Disclaimer: I know Bonnie and Clyde's relationship was deemed to be toxic, but the title is merely for aesthetic value and I do not support relationships of this calibre in any way.
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celestial---devil · a day ago
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Five: Sure, I don't get a "healthy" amount of sleep like some people do, but can they do this?
Five: *stands up, blacks out for a second*
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inncorrect-quotes · a day ago
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Diego: *sharpens knife* We've got ways of making people talk.
Diego: *cuts piece of cake*
Lila: ....Can I have some.
Diego: Cake is for talkers.
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Five : What a year, huh?
Allison : It's February.
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captain-valkyrie · a day ago
can i request hc for five dating a short and very sweet and shy reader? like their polar opposites and he teases her for her height? can you include him being jealous and protective? ty! <3
Five Hargreeves Dating a Short Reader ft. Jealousy, Protectiveness, and everything else that's cute.
Okay, i loved this idea anon <3 . soft!five is the best five.
-he'd be so goddamn overprotective of you, that's for sure.
-"have you ate? have you been sleeping?"
-"Five, i'm not a six year old"
-"yeah, but you could be easily mistaken for one."
-"you did not say that."
-"okay, okay, i'm sorry!"
-but he'd also worry about you, because you're so sweet that sometimes, people just tend to walk all over you.
-"hey y/n, could you finish this up for me?" Melissa, your co-worker asked one evening, just as you were getting ready to leave.
-"oh--um, i was just about to call it a day, but it's --it's fine, i'll--"
-Five cuts in: "she can't. she's got a life, just like you. so finish your own damn work."
-he'd pull you away with an arm around your shoulder.
- and you were so glad he stood up for you like that.
-when his siblings finally met you, there were all like :0
-"are you sure you're dating the right guy, miss? the boy currently holding your hand and staring daggers at me is my emotionally stinted brother." Klaus had said, grinning.
-you giggled.
-Allison and Vanya loved you, of course.
-Klaus thinks you're the greatest person in the word because you made Five--Five, of all people-- so much more happier. Klaus said that Ben thinks pretty highly of you too.
-Luther and Diego- well, they were happy that their brother was with a nice girl.
-although, Five can also get really really jealous at times.
-like, really.
-*national geographic narrator voice* observe.
-"oh come on, y/n, you never want to have any fun!"
-"Jake, your idea of fun is getting drunk on a weeknight. so thank you, but i've already made plans with my boyfriend for tonight."
-"ever since you got a boyfriend you've been spending less time with your best friend," Jake grumbled playfully, referring to himself.
-"well, y/n, are we ready to go?" Five interrupted loudly, appearing into thin air and giving Jake an animosity-filled smile.
-Five didn't miss the way your face brightened up the minute you saw him.
-after you were home, you asked him:
-"Sweetie, are you jealous?"
-and he'd be all huffy at the beginning but ultimately, he can't resist you.
-and so he'd wrap his arms around you
-"you know i love you, right y/n?"
-"i love you too, five."
TUA Tags: @zerocanonlywriteshit @i-heart-fictional-boys
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tua-tfln · 2 days ago
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fake umbrella academy quotes (23/???)
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Vanya (awkward bean trying to socialize): There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?
Allison (is nice): Have everyone stand.
Luther (the voice of logic): Bring three more chairs.
Diego (hints at his own importance) : The most important ones can sit down.
Five (will rage into any battle he sees): Kill three.
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