Artificer: Ah, the Scientific Method. Step One: Fuck around. Step Two: Find out. Step Three: Record your results. Step Four: Confirm, or fuck around again.
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Another from @incorrect-dnd-classes of a classic with some dialog tweaks.
Paladin: You kidnapped the king? That's illegal.
Warlock: But what's more illegal; briefly inconveniencing a king or going against the will of the party?
Paladin: Kidnapping the king, Warlock.
Bard: Paladin, listen. Whatever I may think of you right now, these people are counting on you to inspire them.
Paladin: To kidnap people?
Bard: To work together!
Paladin: To kidnap people???
Rogue: If it helps, Paladin, we already decided that a royal is not 'a people'-
Paladin: It does not!
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Xenk: My kink is a happy and fulfilling relationship where my feelings are acknowledged and respected.
Edgin: Too unrealistic, stick to bondage like everyone else.
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Holga: You can always trust Ed to wear his heart on his sleeve.
Xenk, concerned: That is a strategically foolish and physiologically difficult location to keep one’s heart. Is he perhaps undead?
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Buck: You walk into a clearing, and you see a lone creature in the middle of a field of flowers. It's a rabbit, its fur as white as snow. What do you do?
Bobby: I go into a rage, and take three attacks on whatever that thing is.
Buck, smirks: You learn quick, pops.
Bobby: After almost getting killed by a demon disguised as a dog, I'm not taking any chances.
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Kira: Xenk? Why does my dad call you 'babygirl'?
Xenk:
Xenk: Perhaps we should stop conversing for a while.
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DM: You all see an odd looking gnome coming towards you. He looks very angry.
Bard (me): Okay… what does he want from us?
DM: He begins to speak. “I am angered against what you have done. You harm a plant, you harm myself. Prepare to die.” His eyes begin to glow and he floats, storm clouds coming into the sky, “Do you know who I am?”
Ranger: Uhhhh… no..?
DM: “I am the Lorax.”
Bard (me): Oh shi-
DM: “And I SPEAK FOR THE TREES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Everyone: *Screaming*
DM: *Proceeds to kill nearly the entire party with the overpowered Lorax*
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Sorcerer: Nat20 for perception!
Dm: for what?
Sorcerer:.....to tell us whatever it is you've been hinting at
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Xenk: You're all monsters.
Xenk: Except you Doric, you're an angel and we're glad you're here.
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Maedi: Wow, I keep stepping on a lot of crunchy twigs
Vonia: Those are bones
Maedi, looking straight up: Not if I don’t look down, they’re not
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Venger: Would you be there for me if I was going through something?
Hank: Nope
Sheila: Absolutely not
Presto: Hope it sucks, whatever you’re going through
Diana: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life
Eric: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you
Bobby: I can’t wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could’ve changed the outcome
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Cleric: You need to eat healthier.
Fighter: No.
Cleric: The last person who didn't eat healthier after I told them to died.
Fighter: Oh my gods.
Cleric: In a fire storm.
Fighter: That sounds unrelated.
Cleric: I cast the fire storm. Do not disobey me.
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From [here] and [here] from @incorrect-dnd-classes
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Currently wondering how Mori will survive life, how I’m falling constantly as Wisdom Saves, how often said saves are happening and if I will ever draw this level of traumatised beam ever again.
(Also featuring another character, Sora, who’s from a different system that I’ve yet to post about so wahoo)
Oh all of this was actually based on an incorrect quote… More or less.
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Rogue: what did you get ranger for their birthday?
Wizard: I got them a dog.
Paladin: I also got then a dog.
Cleric: oh, I also got ranger... DID WE ALL GET RANGER A DOG?
Warlock, sweating: yes?
Artificer: guys, we might have over done this.
Ranger, in his room, surrounded by six puppys, weeping for joy: This is the best birthday ever
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