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#incorrect batfamily
Dick: You leaked top secret government documents to the press!?
Barbara: You said I should do something fun with my night off, I don’t see the issue.
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cardinalcheerio · 12 hours
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Bruce: are you okay Jason?
Jason: I'm sorry, where the fuck on my face does it say "your business?" So that I can wipe it off.
Bruce: *pain*
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avensartt · 6 months
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Sorry the quality is shit
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bat-stuff · 6 months
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Diana: So how’s the new Robin doing?
Bruce: oh? Uh yeah he’s alright
Meanwhile back at the manor:
Alfred: Master Timothy, the weather is lovely outside-
Tim: just a minute Alfred…Does Bruce know that the woman he met at the gala last night is Oliver Queen’s third cousin’s wife’s sister-
Alfred, who just wants Tim to go outside: I’m sure he-what?
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lucerneatery · 8 months
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people who are allowed in the kitchen:
alfred - can actually cook, a responsible adult, does not set things on fire
jason - chef connoisseur, actually uses cooking utensils properly, does not set things on fire
damian - helps cook every time unprompted unless told not to, has deemed the kitchen sacred and will not reach for the kitchen knives (warning: this does not mean he doesn’t have any of his personal knives on hand)
tim - doesn’t cook but will if forced/bribed to, only mildly chars things on occasion (warning: if you want tim to make you something specific have blackmail you’re willing to give up)
people who aren’t allowed in the kitchen unsupervised:
steph - can only make mac n cheese and waffles alone, has short circuited the toaster 5 times and broken the microwave door (warning: if you find purple food dye at any visible point in the kitchen tell alfred immediately)
cass - will only bake cookies and serve them as meals, does not comprehend the aspect of cooking, will make her own rules
duke - has and will miss measure something which will subsequently create a science experiment (see: the 2 tblsp of salt incident)
people who are permanently banned from the kitchen:
dick - will actively turn cooking into a science class on purpose, has and will blow up the kitchen (see: confetti cake marmalade acid incident)
bruce - cannot cook for the life of him swear to god the man lights water on fire do not let him lay a single cursed finger on any surface past the dining room
side notes:
if alfred says he is making waffles immediately get jason. does not matter how you do it, he is your only hope.
if you hear tim screaming in the kitchen don’t go check on him. everything is fine, screaming just makes him feel like he has a sense of control. he will get over it in 30 seconds.
vegetarian alternatives will always be made on damians behalf. you will less likely be threatened at knife point if you ask what he would like.
If you hear fergie or britney spears anywhere in the manor there is a 90% chance of dick being in the kitchen. get him out.
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Dick: would 14 year old you be proud of you?
Jason: I’m not here to impress a traumatized child.
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dead-sane-stuff · 8 months
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* Damian telling some story*
Jason: That is such bullshit
Damian: NO IT IS NOT
Y/n: Jason, if Damian says it's true then who are we to believe otherwise
Jason: Oh Okay, but no one believes me when I say I beat the last level of Mortal Kombat.
Y/n: Because that's just ridiculous Jason, no one beats Sub-Zero or Kronika
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raphael-angele · 2 years
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The Board
Damian, coming home from school woth paper in hand: AKHI! AKHI! LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! *Shows paper*
Jason, looking at the paper: What's this?
Damian: I got an A+ on my book report!
Jason: Aww, habibi. That's amazing, I'm proud of you. This is going right up the board
Damian: Yaaay!
---
Duke, coming home from school: JASON! *bursts into Jason's room*
Jason: What's up?
Duke: You'll never guess what happened in school today
Jason: Tell me
Duke: In Literature class, our final semester project was to perform a play
Jason, excited: And??!?
Duke, shows paper: I GOT THE LEAD!!!!
Jason: AAAAAAAHHH!!!! *fangirling*
Duke: AAAAAAAHHH!!!! *also fangirling*
Jason: *takes paper and puts it on the board then hugs Duke* AWWW YEAAAH! CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY!
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Dick: Here you go, Jason. *Gives picture*
Jason: What's this?
Dick: Evidence. I killed someone and hid the body
Jason: So?
Dick: It was a guy selling kids
Jason: I'll be sure to put it on the board
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Tim: I just punched a guy
Jason: And?
Tim: He was being homophobic to me and Bernard and Kon
Jason: You got a picture?
Tim: No, but I knocked out 2 teeth and put it in this small ziplock *gives ziplock with teeth*
Jason: Oooooh. Great job, Timmy. Never thought I'd be prouder of you.
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rube-too-many-fandoms · 7 months
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[Dick is showing Tim, Duke, Steph and Barbara a video on his phone]
Steph: OH MY GOD-
Tim: I can’t believe he actually—
*Jason walks in*
Jason: What’s everybody laughing about?
Steph: Nothing! So much nothing. No one did anything
Jason: -_- What is it?
Duke: Nothing, like Steph said. Totally nothing.
Jason: …right. Tim, you’re too sleep deprived to lie, what’s going on?
Dick: Tim, nO—
Tim: Dick took a video of you last night drunk at a karaoke bar singing Only the Good Die Young by Billy Joel.
Jason: Oh! I finally did it! I’ve been wanting to do that for a while. Hell yeah, nice job me. *self-five*
Steph: Did he just high-five himself???
Jason: *wandering away for coffee* Damn this hangover is such a bitch.
Barbara: …All of you are idiots.
(edit) bonus:
Jason: *pouring coffee, lazily singing to the tune of Piano Man by Billy Joel* Only the good die piano man…sing us a good die young…
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blinday · 12 days
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Bruce: So, how did you two met?
Damian: She stole my heart in the lazarus tournament.
Dick: Awww that's so cut-
Damian: Literally.
Dick:
Bruce:
Damian: So I did the same.
Dick:
Bruce:
Damian: Metaphorically.
Jason: *wheezing*
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qcomicsy · 1 year
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The Office but it's the Batfamily.
Bernard (To the camera): I think Bruce hates me.
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Bruce (to the camera): I am very glad Tim, found himself dating someone. I don't think there's someone who would ever be enough to any of my children.
Bruce: But he is happy. So I am happy as well.
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Bernard, invited over to dinner: That's. . . Um, A very nice mansion you have here sir. Really big. Big enough to hide an secret passage to clones but–
Tim, gesturing to him to shut the fuck up: HAHAHAHA ISN'T HE FUNNY?! (whispering) ᴮᵉʳⁿᵃʳᵈ ᴵ ˢʷᵉᵃʳ ᵗᵒ ᵍᵒᵈ.
Bernard: WhichI'mnotimplyingyoudoanyway. But– IT'S NICE. Really nice. Thanks for uh inviting. . . Me.
Bruce, glaring: Hn.
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Bruce (to the camera): Dick told me to make a "chit-chat". Be sure that our guest felt welcomed.
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Bruce (to Bernard): Did you gave it a thought about your internship yet? When I started medical school I had a great interest on how Gotham's Hospital deals with post mortem patients.
Bernard:
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Bruce (to the camera): I tried to find a common ground to make conversation. We both had similar majors, even though I've drop out
Bruce: I'm glad it was enough for a good starter.
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Bernard (to the camera horrified): He wants me dead.
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Dick (to the camera): HOW WOULD I KNOW HE WOULD PULL UP THE SERIAL KILLER TALK??–
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Steph (to the camera): There's something really uncanny in seen it happen to another person.
Steph: And also really fucking funny too.
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Kory (to the camera): The first time I got there I'm pretty sure was the time he made a contingency plan for me.
Kory: Which is cute. He thinking it would work but– Yeah.
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Barbara (to the camera): Me and Dick? Oh he stopped talking to me for several weeks.
Barbara: When he did, he said "You are making a mistake".
Barbara:
Barbara: Don't you hate when he is right?
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Kon (to the camera): I wasn't aloud to enter the house– I when I dated Cass, so–
Kon: Not that stopped me. But it still hurts.
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Cass (to the camera), shrugging: I liked his piercings.
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Bernard: . . . I didn't– Yet. No sir. I'm just, huh. . . Going with the flow?
Bruce: That's unfortunate. It's really important to always have a plan.
Bernard (gulps): You think?
Bruce: Yes. You never know what might happens next.
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Damian (to the camera): It was the best dinner I've ever attended in this house.
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Tim (to the camera): *Loud sight* I don't know what I was expecting.
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Jason (to the camera): Are we really just going to pass on how his boyfriend looks like a knock off Scooby-doo member?
Jason: Like he is rocking a StarStruck haircut– And we just?– Okay.
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Dick (to the camera): I mean it's not like Bruce is doing on purpose right?
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Bruce, grinning to the camera: Hn.
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Duke (to the camera): Oh he's absolutely doing on purpose.
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cardinalcheerio · 12 hours
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Dick: this rain is making me sleepy...
Dick: lets sleep together 😉
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justsomerandom-nerd · 2 months
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For bring your kid to work day at Wayne Enterprises Tim brings Bruce instead. Uno reverse
Damian said no
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avensartt · 4 months
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Since you guys liked the other one so much, I decided to make more of these mini batfam comics
(Click for better quality)
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bat-stuff · 8 months
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Journalist talking to Bruce at a Gala:
Journalist: And your son, Richard, he seems like a sweet boy.
Bruce, sweating: yes hes a very well behaved kid
Meanwhile:
Dick, hanging from the chandelier: if I time it just right, I can drop this cheese slice on that man's head
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damianwayne0 · 3 months
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Bruce: Damian,half of the league wants you dead !
Damian: Wow , A month ago it was the whole league , things are looking up.
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