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#inconvenient how like.hm. what are feelings. why do i have to categorize these.
necropsittacus
·
4 years
Text
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#inconvenient how like.hm. what are feelings. why do i have to categorize these.
#like. i still feel that i do Not experience the construct of romance or romantic feelings. and i do not want to
#and if i try to think about the idea of 'dating' or like me having a boyfriend/partner/etc its very weird and awkward and kinda bad
#so that repulsion is still there! for which i am glad because its been an important part of my identity
#but also the feelings i DO have about persons who shall not be named publicly until i know if that would be acceptable are like
#hm. such that i know i do have a differentiated category of emotions
#and that and the wants that come with it are. i feel on a gut level that its Different From Romance.
#but i dont know *what the difference actually is* beyond me like. rejecting the supremacy of romance(TM) as a political choice yknow
#like. i would call this Being In Love. but not romo. just
#am i allowed to just want to pledge my love and loyalty and tell people its not romantic feelings if they ask and let the feelings be
#what they are
#and then like half my models for interpersonal interaction are in this weird Medieval Narrative space that feels defined differently
#from the modern conceptiosn
#like hm. were i actually living in a 'knight pledged to lord' kind of narrative. *those* are structures i like and that make sense to me
#and in that case would what i feel be distinguishable from romance at all? or is it just the actual structures that dont work for me?
#what a mess idk
#ignore me im just trying to write some stuff out
#i know there IS a difference that isnt just 'i dont choose to conceptualize my relationships as romantic' but i also know that
#from an outsiders perspective. the last time i felt this way it looked the same as romance
#even though in retrospect it wasnt really
#and ik back in the 'you have One Special Friend at a time. you would die for them. all your love is for this person' days
#i always thought of that friend as just that--'best friend'--and everyone else said crush
#and in retrospect neither were quite right? so who knows
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