#inaccurate lotr quotes
Gimli: You’re pretty dumb.
Gimli: Why are you thanking me? I just insulted you.
Legolas: All I heard was “You’re pretty.” I’m focusing on the positives in life.
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Aragorn: I’m well aware that I’ve accidentally set myself on fire and it’s none of your buisness. I don’t need your pity water, either. Let me burn in peace.
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Aragorn: I am not lying on the floor physically, but I am lying on the floor spiritually.
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Elrond: Did you know that the people you spend the most time with influence you the most?
Bilbo: *looks at the dwarves*
Kili: *fighting with a giant squid*
Bofur: *acting like the mother of three birds*
Thorin: *writing down a list of enemies*
The others: *squabbling over food*
Bilbo: ...Well shit.
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Aragorn, walking into the kitchen: Is something burning?
Legolas, leaning seductively against the counter to block Aragorn’s view: Just my desire for you.
Aragorn: Legolas, the toaster is on fire.
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Aragorn: You lost a lot of blood and passed out. Do you remember anything?
Merry: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital.
Legolas: That wasn’t an ambulance. I drove you.
Merry: But I heard a siren.
Aragorn: That was Boromir.
Boromir: I was WORRIED.
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Arwen: When you said ‘magical in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was expe-
Aragorn: *holds up 8 of hearts* Is this your card?
Arwen, softly: Holy shit.
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Pippin, trying to cheer on the Fellowship: Two! Four! Six! Eight! Who-
Legolas, interrupting: Should I annihilate!
Pippin: *horrified gasp*
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Aragorn, staring at his phone: Merry, I have a question.
Merry: What’s up?
Aragorn: What does ‘thicc’ mean? It has two c’s.
Merry: Uh, well, i-it kind of means, like, i guess it means you have a nice butt.
Aragorn, squinting at his phone, whispers: What the fuck, Legolas?
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Legolas: What do you think your bad place would be?
Aragorn: I’m pretty good at turning every place I go into my own personal hell. So I think there’ll be a lot of options for me.
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Merry: This is the worst day ever.
Pippin: Why, because Boromir died and we just got kidnapped by orcs?
Merry: No, because it’s a little humid- YES BECAUSE BOROMIR DIED AND WE’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY ORCS!
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Aragorn: Due to personal reasons I’ll be going feral.
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Aragorn: You’re blocking the view.
Legolas: I am the view.
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Legolas: You’re just gonna think I’m some sexy godlike figure!
Aragorn: I know you’re deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are.
Legolas, crying: It’s not a joke. I’m a legit snack.
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Aragorn: How do Merry and Pippin usually get out of these messes?
Boromir: They make a bigger mess that cancels the first one out.
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Pippin: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff.
Sam: I witnessed the dumb stuff.
Merry: I joined in on the dumb stuff.
Frodo: I recorded the dumb stuff.
Boromir: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!!!
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Pippin: Where's Sam, Merry, and Frodo?
Boromir: They're playing hide and seek.
Boromir: I don't think you get how this game works.
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When Eldarion learns archery:
Legolas: all right, wait right here, I’m going to fetch the arm guards. Don’t. Touch. The. Bows. Got it?
Eldarion: got it!
Legolas: *walks away into forest*
Eldarion: *touches the bow and shoots it into the forest, right past Legolas’ ear*
Legolas, appearing again and very alarmed: WHAT THE HELL? WHAT DID I SAY??
Eldarion: oh shoot, did I get you?
Legolas: NO, YOU DIDN’T “GET” ME. YOU GET ME, YOU KILL ME
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Pippin: What did you guys get in your yearbook?
Merry: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'
Frodo: 'Nicest Personality'
Boromir: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'
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Pippin: I’m an idiot.
Sam: If you’re waiting for us to disagree, this is going to be a long day.
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