#in the meantime this is sort of important setup for what he's like and what his relationship with Lucy is like

[astorythatwritesitself]

Shepard AMA Round 5!

I had the day off and couldn't play anything so writing it is! I'm also likely going to go through the past ones again in the near...ish.... future, since development has been kicking for a good year or so and I've gotten some things ironed out. In the meantime, though!

(As always, almost anything discussing Adrian as a character carries major CWs for discussions of suicidal thoughts/self destructive/harmful tendencies)

And as always, question list from the fantastic @spookyvalentine ! Have fun lol

1. What is Shepard’s favorite store on the citadel?

    Less a single store, and more of a shopping area - there's a little plaza in Bachjret Ward that functions as an open market, with vendors constantly changing out. It's a great place to get specialty items - particularly ingredients and flowers, there's a long tradition of hobbyist gardeners who've specialized in growing niche plants on space stations, but you'll find a lot of... for lack of better phrasing, garage-sale type setups too. Adrian's father usually took her there to pick out a treat or otherwise just enjoy the crowds, when the Shepards wound up at the Citadel when she was a kid; and even during the events of the series she would stop by there to find something special for the crew.

2. What is the public’s opinion/awareness of Shepard?

   Varied - actually kind of a low opinion through most of ME1 - there was a lot of speculation that the hunt against Saren was a coverup for something else, and the human getting promoted to Spectre just seemed. Weird and not everyone trusted it lol. Adrian actually damn near tanked her reputation after Virmire; if Sovreign hadn't shown up when it did, she'd probably be cemented as 'that weirdo who tried to proposition Counciler Tevos in front of everyone'. ME2 era sees a solid split in human opinions, due to her 'humanity isn't more important to me than any other species' stance; but she's become quite popular among quarian and krogan crowds; generally she's regarded as a solid hero; which carries strongly into & beyond 3.

3. Armax arsenal arena: do they participate? How do they like it?

  She'd probably give it a few goes, and actually pick it up a lot more post-war, once she's out of the Alliance. Those instincts aren't going anywhere, after all, and it actually becomes kind of a way to face down some of the like. Trauma lol.

4. Shepard wakes up in an alternate universe. What tips them off?

Define the alternate universe xD ... actually, since I am writing that 'Shep & Thane get to live' AU - waking up at all, and that everyone else is seeing Thane would do it. (Or, sticking her in my other favorite video game... that she is on a world where there's giant terrifying beasts but they just want to be friends is. Weird. But she can gel with becoming a pokemon trainer.)

5. What kind of relationship does Shepard have with Javik?

 

Weird - but it becomes fairly friendly, and she's actually kind of grateful to have him around, because she's been spending the last couple years with a degree of thought patterns and instincts that are alien beyond anyone's comprehension, and it's so... just. Isolating. He's a little abbrasive for her taste otherwise, but she's dealt with worse and would still choose to hang out with Javik over a few others lol.

6. The first thing a person notices about Shepard’s appearance:

  In ME1 - the scars. She works to downplay them, but she could never bring herself to seek reconstructive surgery/otherwise actually like... cover them. Post-Lazarus though... it's her eyes, probably. Very expressive, and they're that sort of deep, still brown that's a little striking at first. (Or a lot striking, if you're asking a certain drell-)

7. How approachable are they?

Adrian radiates some weird invisible 'Please Tell Me I'm Useful' aura that drags people in, no matter how much she tries to put up a prickly stance, and unfortunately it takes until like 2189 until she feels comfortable saying 'no'. (And to her friends... she's not really 'approachable', because most of the time /she's/ coming to /them/ first xD)

8. What is the difference between me1 and me3 Shepard? Do they notice, or does someone have to point it out?

   ME1 Adian is nervous but collected, and very good at keeping her internal issues on the inside, where they belong, because of course she can't be a burden; she's a good soldier who will follow orders and do whatever she can for others; and it's not until her death that her crewmates realize... huh, she's happy to listen to our problems, however deep they run, but her answers, when they asked about her? Kind of... shallow.

ME3 Adrian is. Uh. CW for suicidal tendencies in the canon section.

Good end: Openly frightened but there's a lightness to her that's never been there before, and she no longer speaks about the future like she's not going to be there; she's prioritizing her goals and what she feels needs to be done, regardless of damage to her, the Alliance, or the Council's reputations.

Canon: A determined, selfless hero who will see things through to the end, and if she somehow survives... it won't be for long because she is goddamn /done/ with existing.

9. Did/does Shepard have any alien biases?

She's got a soft spot for the krogan, quarians and geth; and has a lot of thoughts about the way first contact with the drell was handled, and this was /before/ meeting Thane.

10. How do they handle a teammate being badly injured during a mission?

     Extremely well, all things considered - her intial training and official designation /did/ partially center around being a field medic, after all, so she kind of slips into that detached headspace of assessment and appropriate follow-up that keeps any anxiety at bay for a while; and usually by the time it hits, they afflicted teammate is at least stable enough that she can work through it well. (Garrus' being hit on Omega was probably the closest she got to totally cracking on the job, as it were.)

11. Who is in their inner circle?

    Ashley, Wrex, EDI, Joker, Miranda and, of course, Thane, wind up the closest to her in the end. (She was also quite close to Kaiden and Mordin, before their deaths; and she's not necessarily on bad terms with any of the other crewmates - but with the likes of like, Tali, Jack, Grunt and Garrus? They're all more like... she had to be strong for them, there's more of a mentor-ish vibe there where she maintained a certain... veneer of having it together, and the others fall into good friend, great to hang out with, but not quite the same level of 'I am willing to let you see me hurt and crying' closeness).

12. What does Udina think of them?

  He'd Rather Not, Thank You. (I.e: He had very high hopes but oh dear god, Shepard is. Such a mockery of his hopes for the first human Spectre, and his only solace is that she manages to piss off the Council about as much as she crosses him.)

13. What does Shepard think of Saren?

     She's... honestly not sure. Annoyed with him at first, but after realizing he was indoctrinated for quite some time, and doing some research... in the end? She just feels sorry for him, and wishes there was something else that could have been done.

14. Is Shepard’s first death publicized? (Since in game seems both people know about it and the alliance covered it up)

  To a degree - there were theories that she was in some deep-cover operation, but the Alliance did officially declare her MIA/PKIA about a year after the Collector attack, and there was a memorial service.

15. Did they have any relationships pre-me1? Still around?

  Not really - Adrian's always been a little weird on the relationship front; there's a lot of sorting out of 'am I actually on the aromantic range or am I just terrified of being in love as a soldier because I've spent my entire life seeing how much hurt that tends to result in' (the answer is six of one, half a dozen of the other) that never gets done, so she mostly wound up with a few things that never got past a third date during her time in college; and it declined even further after Akuze. (And considering her partners were all Alliance, up til Thane... most of them aren't around any more, but there is another XO out there who is absolutely flabbergasted to see that tech nerd she slept with that one time suddenly all over the news...)

16. What additions did Cerberus give Shepard?

      I play it as pretty mild, all things considered. Most of her organs are, to some extent, synthetic/artificially enhanced, a lot of reinforcements to her muscle and bones that have left her pretty durable. The biggest differences are that she got her left ear back, and to steal from some other HCs - the cybernetics mean her eyes kind of glow in the dark now - results in enhanced night vision, and delightful terror to unsuspecting crewmates!

 

17. Have they done any interviews? How did the first one go? And the most recent?

       The first interview she ever did was actually when she was a kid, and attending a biotics camp that had just accepted its first wave of human students, which consisted of Adrian and exactly one other kid - most human biotics were headed to BAaT, but Adrian's parents leaned towards 'you know we'll go with the people who've had like. Centuries. To figure this out' mindset. It went pretty well, and definitely set a tone for her future lol, since she was spending a lot of time around aliens and had a pretty positive opinion of the whole thing.

      Her most recent interview would probably be just after the Reaper War, and consists of 'I Am Retired Please Leave Me The Fuck Alone.'

18. What do they think of the alliance?

   It's been her entire life. Every home, most of her friends, her schooling, her career... all of it was steeped in the Alliance. It wasn't perfect - and there was a lot she wanted to change, but if she was a good enough soldier? Maybe she could make some changes, one day? By the time she realized no, no one soldier (however good) could make a real change to the entire system... well, Sunk Cost Fallacy is a bitch, she genuinely wasn't sure how she could function outside of Alliance structure. Post-Akuze left her extremely disillusioned - that no, they really did value image over integrity. She should have faced some punishment for her actions... and instead, she gets lauded as a hero and a survivor, an example of what humanity can endure, and she would basically lose her entire life if she ever spoke up otherwise... and like a good Alliance soldier, she was too scared of that unknown, so she played along and kept up the good looks.

19. What are they like, when in a bad mood? How obvious is it?

     She gets a little more terse and withdrawn, and her usual way of dealing with it is... pretty much dissociation, honestly. She can't snap because it'll be Bad For Image, or because the situation doesn't actually /warrant/ anger, or getting angry won't do anything to help... so. Yeah. Adrian gets angry and swallows it down and just kind of goes blank until her nerves are calmer. Completely healthy coping mechanisms.

20. Does Shepard’s armor hold any significance to them? What about a weapon?

  Eh... armor, not really; she often swapped it out. Weapons were also generally regarded as tools, kept well-maintained but without much attachment... until she got the Widow xD She fucking /loved/ that thing - it's big, it's sturdy, it can punch through damn near anything, it's beautiful.

21. What was Shepard like before the alliance?

  There was no pre-Alliance Shepard, really... but before active service, she was sligtly less anxiety-riddled and a little more hopeful? Not by /much/ though, tbh, she's just always been kind of tinged with sadness and fear.

22. What was the post-lazarus reunion between shepard and joker like?

     Damp.

There were a lot of tears - mostly on Adrian's part, because she had died only half-sure she actually got Joker out, so seeing he was alive... that was. A lot to process. Joker, meanwhile - like he knew this was coming, but hearing 'hey yeah we've got Shepard's frozen scorched corpse and we're gonna bring her back' and seeing her there were worlds apart.

23. Ever had a broken heart?

  Losing Kaiden counts in some respect - even if she wasn't sure if she did want to pursue something, there was /something/ blossoming there... and then, there wasn't. (She also very much suffers one in canon!ME3, losing Thane definitely breaks her in a way that never mends. And in my tweaked canon/They Live version... she gets a very intense familial heartbreak (: )

24. Are they funny?

   Moderately, and it works best when she's not trying to be funny.

25. Have they made pursuits into further education? Any degrees?

    Went to military college and got a degree in computer science (main focus was decryption and disruption), also took a few medical courses to supplement her combat medic goals. Post-wartime, she pursues education in literature and marine biology.

26. Does Shepard have a Twitter account

   Adrian has a few social media accounts, and nearly all of them are just there to grab it before someone can try to fake them, there's very little activity beyond Official Needs. (She is (anonymously) active on... for lack of better phrasing, space Tumblr, though. No text posts though, she is strictly there to post & share photography).

27. The last time they were rude to someone:

  Honestly, Adrian stays pretty polite? The only people she's really told to fuck off, in as many words, were The Illusive Man and Udina lol.

28. Does Shepard have any family?

   A fair bit! Both her mother and father are alive up through & beyond the events of ME3 - Hannah remains in the Alliance throughout, while her father leaves the Alliance in the years between Adrian's first death and resurrection, instead operating at low income clinics on the Citadel (and a volunteer medic during the Battle of London). Hannah's side also sees an aunt, two uncles, and grandparents; while Adrian Sr. was a foster kid who bounced between homes most of his life, and wasn't formally adopted - but he keeps in contact with the women who cared for him in those last couple years before he signed on with the Alliance, and Adrian did meet them a couple times. That said, most of Adrian's life was spent beyond the Charon relay, and she never actually visited Earth in person until she was a teenager; her relationship with her extended family was pretty distant and limited.

29. Does the alliance use their image for propaganda/recruitment? Did they agree to/want it?

   For a while, after her death - Adrian expressly denied permission while she was alive, but Hannah okayed digital reconstructions after Adrian's death - and oh god yeah the Alliance regretted the /shit/ out of it. 1: They were creepy as hell. 2: The public backlash was /intense/ - not just from civilians either; Ashley and Joker both sent in some very strong letters.

30. A moment that almost made Shepard quit:

   As bad as a lot of them were? None of them actually made her want to quit, really. After all, what else would she have, without the Alliance?

31. Ask Dr. Chakwas: what kind of patient is Shepard?

   A... consistent patient. Frequently in, because she's always doing something she shouldn't, but she's very tractable. Sits still, doesn't flinch or jump, gets a gold star and lollipop every time sort.

32. Is Shepard the type to give speeches?

   A little - she doesn't exactly /mean/ to, but also she has consumed far too much poetry so it leaks into her pep talks xD

33. What does the council think of their first human spectre?

   They'd Rather Not, Thank You. (Okay, actually, they're pretty impressed by the end of things, and they did at least appreciate that she took the charge of protecting the galaxy to heart - even among prior spectres, there was often a bias towards their own species, but Adrian really did exemplify that notion of protecting /everyone/ equally.)

34. What was Jack’s first impression of shepard? And now?

   "Oh dear god this fucking prissy bitch is going to be the death of me I am not falling into any uniform or behaviour requirements' lol. Definitely softens, especially since Adrian does really listen to her and doesn't like... try to /fix/ shit, she just listens and /will/ help but doesn't force it. (She also does kinda appreciate the fact that, Adrian is a nerd... but she's a nerd who knows and appreciates poetry so maybe that's something she can share with someone else?) In the end? Considers Adrian a very annoying but beloved older sibling.

35. How was that mako joyride from ilos to the citadel?

   White-knuckled terror for Adrian and Garrus. Best goddamn day of Tali's life cause she was at the wheel for it.

36. What was going through Shepard’s head, when they met Sovereign on Virmire?

   A Lot. A weird relief, because shit started falling into place. Existential terror of Lovecraftian proportions. And an undeniable flicker of curiosity and awe, because holy shit /sapient robot cuttlefish-/

37. What is their favorite way to eat potatoes

   Mashed with a lot of butter, garlic, salt and pepper; though she won't say no to a good jacket potato.

38. Lucky, or unlucky?

   It's all in how you look at things - many would say Adrian's lucky to have survived so much, after all. Adrian would... Respectfully Disagree and leave it at that. (She does count herself lucky for her friends, though.)

39. What would Shepard say their flaws are?

  That she is, at heart, a coward. She abandoned her squad on Akuze, and then was too afraid to speak out when the Alliance fudged things to save face; too afraid to leave the Alliance even once she started to hate it. She's bad at enforcing boundaries, and fears rejection enough that she'd rather make herself horribly uncomfortable than just say 'no' and have to deal with someone's disapproval.

40. What’s their pain tolerance like?

  Horrifyingly high, and this was pre-Lazarus. See 'will endure physical discomfort over rejection' above; Adrian just... kind of accidentally internalized a 'suck it up and deal' approach; to the point she tends to miss some mild injuries, and managed to stay conscious and moving despite thresher maw acid getting into her hardsuit and eating at her. Only increases post-Lazarus, she winds up... /mostly/ accidentally hurting herself a few times during the worst of it.

41. Shepard’s been turned into an animal! What are they?

    If she had a choice in the matter - Greenland shark or giant isopod. Going by general vibes though... Ross Seal. Look at em.

Shep go -laser sounds-

42. Does Shepard imagine what retirement will be like?

   In true canon? No. Adrian never does quite reconcile a life outside the Alliance, and fully expects - and after a while, /hopes/ - she'll just die relatively young in battle and not have to face the horrible gaping void that is the future.

   Tweaked canon? Not until most of the way through ME2 - the above still stands, but in the tweaked canon... she started spending time with Thane simply because he was also Doomed By The Narrative, and in this situation, had just... not pursued treatment for his condition, so there was a very grim but kind of pleasant mutual understanding of Things. But he's also on a ship with like some of the best medics in the galaxy and a lady who knows how to fix up organs, and saving Kolyat spurs him to see if anything can be done, or if it is too late. And /that/ leads to... not quite a fight, but a Strong Discussion that finally truly cracks through Adrian's whole... wall of Hell that everyone else has already started to wear down, that she finally allows herself to think, well, what if there /is/ a future for her?

  It's pants-shittingly terrifying and she hates it, because now everything is /so much scarrier and more fragile/, not to mention she still has no idea what it could actually /involve/, and even up through ME3's events, all she can really think of for if she survives (and gods help her, for the first time in her life, she's hoping she will)?

She'd like a home of some sort, with Thane. She'd like to learn how to cook. Anything else is still... too much. Too scary. But a home on solid ground and a new, useful skill. She can imagine those.   

43. What would they rather: wake up four years into the past, or four years into the future? Why?

   Tough call - assuming like, end of ME3? Adrian's... really not sure. She's done the timeskip into the future thing, and things did ultimately work out... and she's a little afraid, if she woke up in the past as she is 'now'? She might not be able to pull everything off a second time. So, future it is.

44. Does collateral damage matter to Shepard?

    To an extent - she doesn't like causing more damage than is necessary, but also if it's inanimate object vs someone getting hurt, welp, sucks to be an object.

45. Do they vote?

    Oh absolutely.

46. Favorite bar/club in the galaxy and why:

      Afterlife. The irony of having to go there immediately after coming back from being dead was kind of great, and the music is exactly her sort of jam - seriously, when she's scanning planets or building a ship she just has it on a loop. Idk she just vibes with it.

47. Do they let others take care of them?

Yeah she takes 'physician, heal thyself' a little too seriously and for... pretty much her entire life past 18, the only thing resembling care she'd really accept from others without (much) protest or immediately trying to do something in return was food, and that's because she could never get the hang of cooking even instant noodles.

48. How does Shepard feel about paperwork?

    Necessary, often annoying, but also it gets her out of her brain so that's why she's buried in it through ME2.

49. What do they wear to sleep?

Varies a little by temperature, but I imagine biotics tend to run hot so she's usually just in boxers. Maybe a tank top if it's chilly.

50. What was the last thing (non-email) shepard read? Book, play, poem, essay etc

    She's usually jumping between a couple books at one time! Through ME1 she's working through a collection of poetry from multiple species, the Cthulu mythos, and some middle-grade Spectre adventure books Joker sent her as a congratulations present (she actually rather enjoys them). ME2 is a lot of news, Revelation & Ascenion, and she dives /deep/ into hanar and drell poetry for. Reasons. Lockdown sees her pick up a subscription to a sci-fi/fantasy anthology and a couple knitting how-tos; and ME3 time leaves... very little time for reading. Most of what she goes through is the same prayer book Thane has.

   (She also has a couple books on gardening and cooking. Just in case.)

(+1 would you bang your shepard? Lol jk we all know the answer to that. Share your favorite fact about them!)

     In the Good End AU, Adrian and Thane wind up settling on, of all places, Akuze. It's a pleasant climate for him, and despite the memories... Adrian does find it lovely. And more importantly... it's like Omega but. Less. No one wants to lay serious claim to it because, Death Worms, so it's become prime real estate for dangerous sorts who are extremely tired and want to be left the fuck alone to exist in relative peace, they're too damn old and creaky for power plays any more.

The existing community is headed by an ancient krogan whose clan used to revere and work with thresher maws, she took her granddaughter there to pass on the old ways, and she's the one who has ultimate approval over who's in and who can try setting up somewhere else. Roz is a grouchy old bitch who doesn't keep up with the news, and even if she did, one human-drell couple looks the same as another as far as she's concerned, so what's it matter that she's just helped one settle up nearby? Get the fuck outta her town and leave her people alone or she'll get the shotgun.

#shep tag #anyway yea Adrian gets to be a seal bc: Go Swim and Eyes #Youtube

[angstyaches]

Make the Eggs

Happens around the time of this fic, where the other flatmates are on a trip. A little exposition: Henry is agoraphobic, but also extremely extroverted. He loves meeting new people and having new experiences, but lately he’s limited to meeting people online, and he usually just has them come straight to the flat.

CW: implied “night before” stuff with no details, character dealing with rejection, loneliness, anxiety, frustration, hunger, brief mentions of chronic pain.

___ 

Henry woke up and reached for the source of heat lying in the bed next to him, finding that it had moved away; the warmth he sensed was merely lingering between ruffled, empty sheets. He opened his eyes a crack, everything a dizzying blur as he stretched his hand a little further. Feeling the arm of his glasses on the edge of his desk, he tugged them delicately towards his face and slipped them on.

His companion for the night was stunning, and Henry wished some of the flatmates were home to clap him on the back and congratulate him on his score. For a second, he was content to just lay on his back and watch the guy gathering his clothes from the floor, trying to decipher what was his from what was Henry’s.

This bedfellow of Henry’s had been raised by a single mother, had a brother who had overdosed at the age of seventeen, had dreamed of being a ballet dancer but had settled for gymnastics, had a pet parrot called Suzie when he was a kid, and had read The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy six times.

They knew practically everything about each other from just one almost-sleepless night, except for their names.

The man sat at the edge of the mattress to pull his socks on.

“Going already?” Henry finally asked.

The guy turned his head as he stood up again, wearing a tighter, colder version of the smile he’d had for Henry the night before. “Reckon I should.”

“You don’t have to.” Henry sat up as far as the ache in his lower back would allow. “I scramble a good egg.”

“I don’t do eggs.”

“I also toast a good… toast.”

The look on the guy’s face matched the regret Henry felt at the weak follow-up. The guy finished tucking his shirt into his pants. The creeping realisation was like tar setting in Henry’s gut.

“You don’t do breakfast at all, do you?”

“Now you’re catching on.” The guy scooped up one of Henry’s sweaters from the floor, momentarily mistaking it for his own before bending down again. “Hey, come on, don’t get that look. We both knew what this was. You told me yourself, you don’t do dates and relationships.”

Henry swallowed and smoothed his thumb over a crease in the fitted sheet. He wanted to ask why eggs couldn’t just turn into a prolonged morning of haziness, but bit his tongue just in time. We both knew what this was.

“Thanks for letting me charge my phone,” the guy said, stooping down again to retrieve it from the tangle of chargers next to the bed.

“Yeah, you’re welcome.”

“You, uh, want to come and lock the door behind me? Do you need this?”

Henry chewed the inside of his lip as he watched the guy cross the room, hand closing over the top of his cane. The handle was silver and shaped like a wolf’s head, and the guy peered at it as he picked the stick up by the shaft. He’d heard all about the carving the night before, and was clearly interested in the handiwork.

“The door locks itself,” Henry said, watching the guy put the cane down. He didn’t want to walk him to the door after all of this. He’d probably end up making it weird by trying to kiss him, breaking his own rule of no kisses in the morning.

“Bye, then,” the guy smiled, giving a little wave.

“Yeah, bye.”

He flopped back in the bed, wincing at the shift in pressure in his hip. The bedroom door clicked shut, and a few moments later, the heavier front-door to the flat was opened and closed too.

And that was that.

Henry thought the silence of being left in bed alone was terrifyingly beautiful. He always imagined himself disappearing off the face of earth whenever it happened. Imagined he could walk up next to someone and have them look right through him, could say their name and not be heard, no matter how loudly he screamed.

It was like existing and then, having existed, ceasing to exist.

His stomach growled in the agony-inducing silence; he’d been having hunger pains, on and off, since three or four in the morning, but he had been too caught up in words and kisses and touches and breathless and easy and nice to think about food or anything else. Now, he was thinking about the eggs he’d offered to scramble for his guest, but the thought of eating alone was unappealing in the wake of what he’d been envisioning; he’d wanted them to chat and laugh over cups of tea, wanted to see how different the guy’s face looked when natural light hit it, wanted to turn on the radio and watch his guest’s reaction to being in the presence of someone who owned and actually still used a radio.

After allowing himself an indulgent sigh, Henry rolled over and pulled his phone out from under the mattress, where he always tucked it when he was banished to the wall-side of the bed. Payton hadn’t updated their Instagram story as much as they usually did on trips, and Donnacha hadn’t posted at all, and the only information he could glean from Lucy’s story was that she’d been bored and annoyed on the bus ride, and that they’d gone to McDonald’s for dinner before heading to the campsite.

Muscles clenched despite his horizontal state, Henry let his mind turn over the question that they’d been avoiding since they’d left; should I have gone? Should I have gone? Should I have gone?

The only answer that sang back to him was No. Henry would have been miserable in a tent, no matter how “glamourous” Lucy claimed it would be. He would have hated being stuck on a bus for so long, surrounded by strangers and smells and chattering noise. He would have hated being in a field, in the countryside, where hoards of even more strangers would have been lurking about. 

The entire thing smacked of no good, and yet he couldn’t shake the discomfort of being left behind.

His phone was littered with notifications about his battery life and storage space, and as he swiped them away, he noticed Lucy’s name crammed in there.

Morning! How’d you sleep?

Henry pursed his lips and typed a response. – Barely. Had company.

The message status turned to “read” almost instantly.

Ooh… Decent company? Lucy asked.

He rejected my scrambled eggs, so you tell me.

His loss. Go and make the eggs for yourself, king. And send me pictures so I can eat them vicariously! Breakfast here is just cereal and toast

Henry sighed and rested his phone on his stomach for a minute. The day suddenly sprawled out in front of him like an impossible, unknowable obstacle race. He didn’t know if he had the energy to shower, pick out something to wear, cook, eat, wash up, decide what to do to pass the rest of the time –

He sighed again, feeling the hunger pinch his stomach right where he’d placed his phone. 

Make the eggs for yourself, was all that Lucy had said. Everything else was optional. All he had to do was make the eggs.

And send pictures, he reminded himself, picking up his phone and sending a few hearts to Lucy before he began the process of getting out of bed. 

#my OCs #Lucyverse #Henry #OC Henry #hunger #anxiety #agoraphobia #angst fic #my writing #whump fic #whump writer #sickfic writer #I'll give Henry some emeto very very soon I promise #in the meantime this is sort of important setup for what he's like and what his relationship with Lucy is like

[hermette-historian]

A Comedy of Errors: The B-Team vs. TEA

You know it's funny, sometimes, how history repeats itself. How many of you knew there was in fact a full on Hermitcraft war all the way back in Season 1? Oh, there was chaos before Grian alright. Have an "abbreviated" summary of events, and see for yourselves just how little our favorite characters have changed.

Part I: The Setup

Biffa2001 is a chaos gremlin. He's has already shown earlier in the season just how bold he can be with threats (however empty) and interfering with other people's stuff. Biffa decides that holding everyone's bases hostage for diamond blocks isn't chaotic enough for him, so he goes in and closes down every shop in the bazaar under threat of foreclosure.

Biffa also has a best friend, our beloved Xisuma. X finds out that his shop has been closed and instead of confronting Biffa goes after DMAC, whom he discovered has not only "illegally" reopened his own shop but has been buying up and undercutting Xisuma's own prices on enchanted iron tools for weeks. (In the meantime, DMAC covered Biffa's entire base in iron golems in retribution for closing the emporium).

Biffa and Xisuma decide that too much shady shit has been going down on this server lately, and that they need to be the ones to bring down the hammer and stop it. They form "The Agency" (later TEA for Tea Eaters' Alliance) and their first target is not DMAC, but GenerikB's Hermits Hurtin' Hurdles from way back at the beginning of the season. The gauntlet has been long abandoned at this point, having been bested by both Joe Hills and Hypnotizd, and parts of it have even been torn down to make way for a slime farm. The Agency decides that it's far too dangerous to be left standing, and bricks the whole passage up with wooden fences. A few days later they return while GB is still out with food poisoning following his vacation. Having decided that the Hermit himself is dangerous to the well-being of the server due to his nasty habit of having a literal hit list, they punish him by filling every air block in his entire underground base with the same wooden fences.

GB, obviously, is pissed. He comes back from his illness to find he's been quarantined, spends several hours trying to tear down the fences by hand, and finally with a heavy heart resorts to burning them. He bricks off as many of the offshoot farms as he can, rescues what important materials he can find, and sets fire to the inside of his base-burning out not only the fences, but nearly a year's worth of carefully placed wooden structures and decorative leaves.

Now effectively homeless until he can hire Topmass to build him a new base, GB decides he needs backup if he's going to go up against The Agency. Within a week the other half of the B-Team (Bdubs, of course) and the "Goon Squad" (Skyzm, Pungence, and Juicetra) join the server and descend on The Agency's respective bases like flies, leaving their calling card: Several extremely large cobblestone Bs.

That, obviously, is not enough. While TEA is building their diamond-studded headquarters at a sit e offshore from Xisuma's base, GB puts up a new shop in the bazaar: The Angels with Bent Halos Foundation, where one can become an "involunteer" and donate their items to the poor and needy of the server (himself. He's just stealing Biffa's stuff.) He also decides that Hypnotizd is a suspiciously neutral party, and sends the Goon Squad out to the remote reaches of the server to investigate his massive, technologically advanced base...

Part II: The Escalation

Enter Joe Hills, and the errors with him. Joe realizes his shop has been closed a few months too late, and misreads the "B" on the sign as meaning "B-Team" regarding recent events. In a fit of righteous anger he griefs the AWBH foundation. The next day he realizes his mistake and very quickly shifts the target of his rage, beginning construction on a courthouse in which he plans to put TEA on trial. Meanwhile TEA builds their own shopfront in the second floor of the bazaar, a sort of police station in which neutral parties can leave complaints and report crimes.

Before Joe can realize his mistake and clean up the mess he made, Juicetra arrives at AWBH and assumes that TEA is responsible for destroying it. He rushes upstairs and leaves a very strongly worded message in their dropbox before bricking up their own shop, "a taste of their own medicine".

GB follows up close behind. Unlike Juicetra, he knows who vandalized the shop and leaves a report formally suing Joe for the damages in the form of an involuntary donation-forcing TEA to work on his side. (He also leaves a second report complaining about the noise from the chickens that X hid in the walls of the bazaar, but that has little to do with the situation).

The turnaround time on the complaints is mere hours. TEA arrives on the scene of the crime to help GB clean up the mess and retrieve his missing items from Joe's shop, and promises that justice will be done. In possibly violent ways.

Part III: The Suspense

The Goon Squad senses the impending "shit's about to go down" and retreats to the mountains, building a secret hideaway for neutral parties to use when bits start to explode. Topmass and his build team finish GB's new base in creative mode (we'll talk about the implications of that later). Hypno pokes his head into the rest of the server for about 0.2 seconds and sees that Bdubs has involunteered the decorative emerald blocks at his nether tunnel, but shows little interest in the whole affair. The neutral parties begin to take sides...

Part IV: A Long-Expected Party

Weeks pass, and nothing is heard from either side of the conflict. And then, a spark.

The Agency receives intelligence containing the coordinates of the Goon Squad's base, and deeming them a higher threat than either the B-Team (due to the substantiated squashing of GB's base) or Joe (who hasn't been seen on the server for weeks due to the birth of his child) decide it's time they paid their due. It takes a reasonable level of hunting, but eventually they are able to track down the coordinates and...redecorate a bit. Just to remind the Goons that the Agency is watching.

It takes a few days, but Skyzm discovers the vandalism and on his own swears revenge from the Goon Squad. Word then reaches GB-famous for his fairness and generosity and certainly not killing people-who is righteously angered by the Agency's actions and leaves the Goon Squad a voucher for an involuntary donation to them such that justice might be done.

A few days later, the Goons come back to the hideout and in a familiar move, angrily burn the vandalism out from the inside. They proceed on a tnt-fueled rampage through all of the little marks that TEA left on their home, and in a final act of revenge vandalize the police station as well as the neighboring TEA-owned Tnt shop and chicken farm.

Here's where things take a turn for the IRL. Juicetra enlists the help of his fanbase via Twitter, and asks them one fateful evening if they have the coordinates or approximate location of the TEA headquarters (which, you may recall from several paragraphs ago, is a) full of diamonds and b) severely lacking security). But before the nosy fans that had scouted the location during the world tour could spill the tea, Xisuma catches wind of the possible heist and very quickly moves the diamonds to a safer location. Only he forgot to tell Biffa. Responding to the emergency call of “someone stole our diamonds!!” results in awkward apologies and a trip to view the damage to the police station, and then…to do nothing about it?

Unfortunately, this is pretty much where the story ends. The server was wrapping up at this point, and two weeks after the last installment both members of the B-team left for good. Two of the three members of the goon squad remained active until the very end, but the third was too preoccupied with FTB to focus on any shenanigans. Joe Hills did return from his baby-related hiatus, but the courthouse went unused. And the tension regarding the dictatorial Tea Eater’s Alliance dissolved.

For now.

See you in season 2! /t

#hermitcraft #season 1 #that’s it I’m done #I spent eight hours today trying to do this in video form #but YouTube was Not Having It #and I think my computer might be toast #literally #so you’re stuck with one final essay! #we land in season 2 tomorrow morning #see you there!

[thetriggeredhappy]

(I love all of your writings) one of Scout's voice lines literally broke my heart. The one in the Birthday mode which said that no one came to his birthday :"((( the fact that he called everyone his best friends make it sadder. Can you write about that a little bit. I know that you have written about his birthday before but can you do one more pleaseeeeeee

birthday boy time

(warnings for alcohol mention, mention of violence, and injury)

-

“Happy birthday, lad,” Demo greeted, clapping him on the shoulder as he passed by. Scout lit up, calling back a greeting in return.

Call him a sap, but he hadn’t quite given up on having fun birthdays yet. He’d heard it a hundred times from most of the rest of the team, that you stop focusing so much on your birthday when you get older, but not this guy. Scout was determined to actually have a nice birthday.

That being said, he knew by then, after those first few years working with the team, that they had a bit of a history of not necessarily being 100% on board with doing a whole thing purely because someone was a year older, and he mostly settled for bugging some of the team into going out for drinks or ordering a bunch of pizza and playing board games, stuff like that. A hundred times more low-key than what he’d do if they were in Boston, but hey, he took what he could get, and it usually ruled anyways.

To be honest, he didn’t even really have plans that year. He’d said as much when he was asked earlier that week. It was the middle of the week, not all that close to the weekend, so going out with everyone was pretty much off the table, as was getting drunk considering they all had work the day after. He was gonna head into town and get himself a gift, that was most of his plan, maybe hang out with everyone later on too. He’d been saving his money for a while, a just-in-case fund that he’d been working on for a few years, a luxury he didn’t have growing up, and didn’t tend to spend much money on himself outside of snack food and Bonk and sometimes comic books or little things like that. It would be nice to get himself something he really liked. That alone was plenty of excitement. Not an adrenaline kind, just a regular, nice sort of thing.

Overall, he was honestly just thrilled that apparently everyone actually remembered this year, greeted all morning by similar casual “hey, happy birthday”s, including a particularly excited one from Pyro, who hugged him and spun him in a few circles outright. He had plenty of time next year to do some really sick birthday stuff, but overall, he was just gonna chill out, treat himself for once, and relax.

-

“Alright everyone,” the Engineer said grimly, half an hour previously, casting a look around the room. “Here’s the plan.”

The team minus their fastest member were all gathered around the debriefing table, and this time, rather than Miss Pauling with official orders or Soldier with the latest new strategy, it was the Engineer standing up front holding a piece of chalk.

“We’ve been over this, Toymaker, twice weekly all month,” Demo drawled, rolling his eye.

“I know that, but this is important,” he stressed.

“It is true,” Heavy rumbled, nodding solemnly. “This is big deal.”

“We can’t afford to let this one get mucked up considering our history,” the Engineer said firmly. “Every year it’s somethin’. This year we aren’t taking any chances, especially after that catastrophe last year.”

A groan from the team as they collectively remembered. A nod from the Engineer.

“We’re lucky Firebug was the one to ask why Scout was in the kitchen combing the cabinets and not one of us, otherwise he would’ve found out for sure. If he knew we all forgot his birthday, it would crush him,” he said emphatically. The team looked embarrassed as a whole, while Pyro looked particularly mortified. “And we can’t just buy the damn kid a few pizzas and hand him alcohol like that was the plan again this year.”

“Fortunately for all of you, I’ve been so generous as to look into a few things,” Spy piped in, pausing to take a drag from his cigarette.

“As if you won’t take any excuse to snoop,” Sniper mumbled, and was glared at.

“I resent that remark,” Spy scoffed. “Regardless. I happen to know that we’re in luck, and that Scout is planning to go into town for a short period of time this afternoon. For what purpose, I’m not sure. But it should mean we have plenty of time to set everything up.”

“I trust you all have gifts ready?” Medic asked, and received a general murmur of agreement, and made a check on the paper he had attached to a clipboard. “Ja, ja, that is good. Herr Demoman, Pyro, you are done with your baking?”

“Cake is baked, iced, and decorated,” Demo nodded, Pyro giving a thumbs up of agreement.

“Soldier, how are decorations?”

“Acquired and prepared for deployment!” Soldier barked, holding up a hand in salute.

“Doc, Heavy, you two were meant to run interference,” the Engineer said, and the two nodded. “With that not a worry, how about you help with the cooking and decorating?”

“Heavy can do this,” Heavy agreed, and Medic nodded as well, jotting down a few notes on his clipboard.

“And the snake was gonna help with anything that went wrong, and Sniper, you were gonna help with headed into town for anything we needed last minute,” the Engineer said, and received nods from the two of them.

“Do we need anything so far?” Sniper asked.

“No, we’re fine for now. And I’ve got my own setup handled,” the Engineer said, and nodded a few times to himself. “Alright. Sounds like we’re golden.”

“Ja, very good. Herr Spy, would you keep an eye on Scout and let the rest of us know when we can begin getting ready?” Medic asked.

“Obviously,” Spy said.

“Alright. Now go on, get, he’ll be wondering why we’re all running late, act natural,” the Engineer said, shooing them all from the conference room.

-

Later that day after battle was over, Spy dispersed news not long later that Scout had gotten changed into civvie clothes and gone into town on his bike, and they all leapt into action. Within half an hour, the decorations were ready, streamers and balloons in every direction, the table unfolded from their storage (only used when they needed to seat the entire team, which wasn’t often) and was set up with the cake, ready to have candles lit, the presents were stacked neatly, the Engineer had set up the new sound system he’d been working on (put into crunch time to have ready for the occasion), everything was set up and perfect. The only thing they still needed was Scout.

They settled in to wait, knowing town was a good twenty minutes away, thirty if he was headed to the better one. By the time he found everyone, Spy said that it had been about ten minutes, and they took around thirty to set everything up, meaning that Scout would probably be at least another ten minutes, maybe as much as half an hour. Spy would keep his eyes open and warn them when he came back, but in the meantime, they could relax while they waited.

In the meantime, Soldier and Demo attempted a few ‘finishing touches’ (putting party hats on his more docile raccoons and setting out some firecrackers and sparklers, respectively), and some of the other members of the team sat to play cards for a bit. Pyro, easily the most antsy, burned their way through the box of matches that sat waiting next to the cake one by one and started idly playing with their lighter when they ran out, occasionally lighting some of the extra candles.

Half an hour came and went. Forty minutes. Fifty. An hour.

They asked Spy if he had any word yet. The answer was no, and the visual of a few cigarette butts littered around Spy’s feet and a scowl.

The Engineer played a few song requests on the sound system. Soldier switched around party hats on the raccoons to better suit their personalities. Demo lit a sparkler and let it burn out. They switched card games.

At the two hour mark, the concern was starting to build in all of them. Maybe Scout went even further than any of them had expected. He hadn’t told any of them to wait up for him, to be fair. But he always told them outright if he wouldn’t be back for supper, and he hadn’t said anything, and should’ve been back by then. It was getting well into sundown.

“I am preparing to declare Scout as officially AWOL,” Soldier mumbled somewhere near the two/and-a-half hour mark, just a bit angrily, adjusting the party hat on Corporal Munch where it was crooked. Demo patted him on the shoulder to console him.

“He’ll get here when he gets here,” he assured, going back to fiddling with a party popper.

“Don’t waste those,” the Engineer warned. “And no queens, Go Fish.”

A groan from Medic. Demo shrugged. “We have some extra. Here, just to liven her up.”

He tugged the string on the popper, setting it off and sending a short shower of confetti onto Soldier, and that was where it all went wrong.

Corporal Munch, startled, made a little yelp-like noise and quickly clawed up Soldier’s chest, startled and attempting to escape. Soldier tried to grab on harder, but that just made the raccoon even more alarmed, and it rushed to clamor faster, digging claws in hard. Heads turned in time to see Soldier losing his grip and the animal rushing away towards the nearest enclosed, dim space, which just so happened to be the table Pyro was sitting at with the cake.

Pyro leapt up from their seat, battle instincts kicking in for a moment, and the movement startled the Corporal, who veered suddenly and crashed directly into one of the chairs, toppling it and the one directly next to it and making the entire table jerk.

Pyro, panicked, quickly grabbed the cake stand before it could fall over, dropping their lighter and the candle in their hand. The two things landed on the tablecloth, and by the time Pyro realized their mistake, they’d already lit the thin paper tablecloth on fire.

Shouting around the room as teammates attempted to leap into action, Pyro trying to save the cake from the fire first and foremost, Soldier attempting to catch the Corporal, who was only becoming more freaked out over time. Heavy moved to snatch up some of the other flammable items off of the table, but misjudged where Pyro was moving, and Pyro collided with him, the cake tumbling from the stand and directly across the both of them. The Corporal, entirely confused on the commotion, attempted to claw into the space under the cards table, making Medic yelp as his legs were torn into, Sniper rushing to try and catch the animal as well. Demo, having found the fire extinguisher, realized he was a bit late as he tried to put out the table, most of the tablecloth gone and the fire having spread across the streamers, and he tried to put out what he could, and it was only with the Engineer’s cry of dismay that he remembered, oh, right, those streamers were on top of that shiny new sound system, weren’t they. With a final puff, the ‘Happy Birthday’ sign went up in flames and was gone, and the team was left there in the wreckage.

Spy rounded the corner into the room, eyebrows furrowed from the commotion he’d heard. When he saw the smoking, foamy, cake-y remains, all he could do was sigh, kneading at the bridge of his nose. “Something new every year, is it?” he drawled.

-

It took them the better part of forty minutes to clean up the mess, and even then, the room had a weird smell to it. By the end of everything, all they had was one of the undecorated practice cakes Pyro had baked, some party hats, and some poppers. And by the time they were done cleaning up, Scout still hadn’t returned.

“At least he doesn’t have to see what a damn mess we made of things,” the Engineer sighed, and that seemed to be the consensus.

It was much later that Spy finally let them know that he’d seen the headlights of a motorcycle coming up the road, and the team just sighed, too tired to work up much energy. Some of them at least planned to call out a ‘happy birthday’ at him, but all they could do was stare when he walked into the room.

“Hey, guys,” Scout croaked, attempting a smile through a bruised lip.

“What the hell happened to you?” Sniper demanded, taking in the sight.

Scout was busted up in a number of different ways. What looked like a former bloody nose and a swollen lip seemed to be the worst of it, an amount of blood all down Scout’s front, staining what looked like one of his nicer civvie shirts beyond repair. There was also a dampness to his shirt and hair and a stain that implied he’d been splashed with something, practically drenched by the look of it, and he carried himself just slightly off-balance and held a bag in the arm not cradled to his abdomen.

Despite that, he managed a laugh, a lopsided grin. “Man, what the hell didn’t happen to me is more like it,” he said, shrugging. “Had a weird one.”

“Are you alright?” Medic demanded, already standing up, from his chair, and Scout shrugged again.

“Just bruises and all, it’s not an emergency or whatever, but I’d appreciate a heal or somethin’,” he admitted, and Medic left the room, hurrying towards the infirmary. “Forreal, though, what a fuckin’ night.”

“What’s on your shirt?” Spy asked, entirely deadpan, looking vaguely disgusted.

“Uh, I think it’s a margarita?” Scout said, glancing down at it and picking at his shirt vaguely. “I, uh, I should start from the top. Okay, so I went into town, right? I was just gonna buy some stuff real quick, and I got, uh… I got a little lost.”

“A little? Scooter, you’ve been gone all day!” the Engineer admonished.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. There was construction on the usual road, I think they’re fixin’ a bridge or somethin’. Anyways, I got pretty far off track, but I got to town eventually. Just took a while. Anyways, I do my shopping, but because I was all rattled from havin’ to take a hundred detours I totally forget that there’s this one guy at the store that hates my guts, and I’ve gotta split pretty fast before he knocks some teeth out, y’know?”

“Do we want to know why he hates you?” Demo asked, a bit of humor in his tone.

“Nope,” Scout said simply, grinning right back. “So, yeah, but on my way into town I saw at the bar they have some kinda thing goin’ on, right, some kinda weird drink special. So I figure, hey, I’ll walk in, get the new drink, then I’ll leave, y’know? I don’t wanna have to drive home after dark and drunk. So I order, and as soon as I order some guy who’s been at the bar too long already starts tryin’ to pick a fight with me, right? And it’s a whole thing, and I finally get my drink but now there’s a whole thing, and I kinda make this offhanded comment at this gal nearby, y’know, tryin’ to make sure he knows we’re in a public place, all ‘hey, you’re really gonna embarrass yourself by pick in’ fights right in front of this real pretty girl?’, right?”

“Oh no,” Sniper sighed, already seeing where this was going.

“Well, yeah, bad luck, turns out that’s his girlfriend, and he shoves me into some guy, and I get a whole drink all over me, and mine is all over some third gut, and this whole brawl breaks out—anyways, busted lip and no drink and I’m probably not allowed in that bar anymore, but whatever, I finally start headed home.”

“Right,” Spy said, suspicious.

“And, uh, I never wanna drive at night because there’s all these animals out here, right? And the roads are shitty. And I’m headed back, and it’s dark as dicks, and I think I see this rock and I try and go around it, but then the rock moves back in my way because it’s a lizard or whatever and I hit the breaks and swerve straight into a pothole and just barely manage to keep on my bike, but I donk myself on the handlebars and totally throw my leg out of wack and all that. And, uh, and now I’m here.”

“Christ alive,” the Engineer marvelled.

“Bad day to have,” Heavy said, also stunned.

“Hey, it’ll be a funny story to tell later,” Scout shrugged, still grinning. “Got those new shoes at least, though.”

He pulled a shoebox out of the paper bag, and the box was dented into some kind of new parallelogram, barely resembling its past shape. Scout, meanwhile, was still smiling.

Silence in the room. “Well. While it is unlikely you need any more excitement today,” Spy trailed hesitantly. Pyro, understanding the cue, leapt up and hurried off into the kitchen, coming back with the cake.

“Woah, seriously?” Scout asked, eyes lighting up. “You made me a cake? Mumbles, you’re the best!”

“We, uh… we had more planned, but, some things went a little wrong,” the Engineer admitted, and trailed off as well as he looked at Scout.

“Not that we get to complain,” Demo laughed, seeming to come to the same realization as the Engineer.

“Are you joking? This rules!” Scout said, and lit up further when Medic returned with his Medigun, shaking off his injuries within a few moments. “Hey, thanks guys, seriously, no idea what I did to get such cool teammates. You guys are awesome, I mean it.”

“Dunno how we got a bloke like you, either,” Sniper shrugged, voice quiet compared to the rest of them. “Not many people can laugh after a day like yours and still have the energy to be pleased with anyone.”

“Aw, hey, I mean… y’know, it’s nothing,” Scout shrugged sheepishly, glancing away for a second. “Hey, you guys are playin’ cards? Deal me in! Oh yeah, hold on, we need plates and stuff for cake—“

He dropped his bag near the door and hurried into the kitchen. The room was quiet behind him. Demo held up a party popper, glancing around the room. The Engineer took it from him, shaking his head.

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #que? #my fanfiction #shut up me #everybody talks

[peach-the-owl]

Thanks for answering my earlier ask.

May I request Essek with a child sorcerer reader who was traveling with the M9 for a while but decides to stay with him because they always get scared when they get into battle. And when the M9 come back to visit Essek has pretty much adopted the reader and does almost anything she asks for.

(人 •͈ᴗ•͈)

I am here for this, it sounds absolutley adorable. First time writing for Essek and I may have gotten a little carried away, it ended up being longer then I thought. Here’s hoping this turns out well 😅

Shadowhands Apprentice

Essek & Child!Sorcerer!Reader

The Mighty Nein had found you locked up after dealing with some creepy cult deep in the Barbed Fields. You told them they used you as a source of energy because of your rare and strong natural magic, using Identify Caleb discovered that you were in fact a Runechild. You had no known family, as far as you were aware of and nowhere to go so they decided to take you along with them. Your experience with the cult had left you very jumpy whenever the group had to engage in battle, fearing you could be taken and used for something awful. When the party finally made it to the city of Rosohna you got to meet the mysterious Essek they’ve told you about. They explained the situation to him once he noticed you cowering behind Jester, and he took quick interest in you since. Visiting frequently during your stay in the Xhorhaus to mostly teach Caleb more dunamancy, you grew quite curious about this new magic and asked if you could learn some too. Given your natural talent it didn’t take much for Essek to agree to start teaching you as well. Letting you quickly get more comfortable around him.

"Do we have to leave?" You whine a bit. The Nein had finished with there stay and were getting ready to leave to attend to duties they'd been called to elsewhere.

"We told you we couldn’t stay long. We have other jobs to do too." Jester tries to explain, you pout and cross your arms to try and calm the nervous shaking in your body. There’s a soft knocking at the door, Fjord goes over to answer it and just outside is the floating drow you’ve become so well acquainted with. After a mutual greeting Fjord steps aside and let’s Essek in.

"I have come to bid you all a farewell and good luck in your travels." He addresses to everyone. "I hope you will keep well to your studies?" He addresses more to you and Caleb, you fidget a bit, the question on your mind eating away at you if you should ask it or not.

"Of course." Caleb gives a nod. Everyone starts making their way out but pause when you don’t follow.

"You coming (y/n)?" Beau raises an eyebrow at you.

"Can I stay here with Essek?" You blurt out quickly, causing the man in question to go stiff and everyone else to stare. After a long pause you speak up again. "It’s scary and dangerous out there, but I feel safe here. I don’t want to leave." They all look amongst each other.

"That would really have to be Essek's decision." You look over at the him with big pleading eyes, making it very hard for him to break eye contact.

"Please, I promise I’ll be a good listener and you can teach me more spells." After a long pause he runs a hand through his hair and gives a quiet sigh.

"I suppose it would be beneficial for this chance to learn more about your natural abilities." He says. You give a smile and with that you bid farewell to the Nein and are left alone with the Shadowhand. "I have some important business that needs attending to first, I shall return once I have completed my duties. In the meantime I suggest you stay here and practice what you already know." You give a nod and watch as he too leaves the Xhorhaus, the chimes jingling softly as he does.

Days slowly turned into weeks and you had setup a nice routine. In the mornings Essek would arrive for breakfast, at first they were silent but after the first week the two of you started to talk more, discussing different forms of magic, the barrage of Message spells you’d get from Jester or how eachothers day was (the latter taking a little more time to work up to). The afternoon was when Essek would have to leave you alone for awhile to attend to his duties to the Bright Queen, though as the days progressed he became more and more reluctant on wanting to leave you alone. Finally he’d return around the evening and you’d spend the rest of your time learning different spells or discovering more about your magical origin before you’d get worn out and head to bed. Sometimes you’d wake up the next day to find that Essek had stayed the night to help keep an eye on the place, or at least that’s what he’d tell you. It was a simple but pleasant routine for you and over time you noticed him become more comfortable around you, going as far as to drop the levitation act whenever he’d visit.

It was a bit conflicting for Essek to be so close to someone, and a child no less too. He had to be careful around you, trying so hard to not get too comfortable around you but with each passing day it was becoming harder and harder. He didn’t want to let you into the darker secrets of his life, but you were the first person he felt he could let down some of his guard to, knowing a child didn’t care if he was being absolutely professional or not. As worried as he was about this there was something else deep down that just felt nice having you around. Seeing you learn new things and showing him your accomplishments filled him with a feeling of pride and joy he didn’t know he could've ever experienced before. The weeks had grown into a solid month and today Essek had decided to do something different.

"Why are we in the market again?" You questioned curiously. Essek gives an amused hum.

"I thought you said you’d be a good listener for me." He gives you a side look, you give him a playful glare as he hovers ahead making you have to jog to catch up.

"You said there was something waiting for us and that’s it."

"Precisely," you open your mouth to say something but he stops you. "Hush now, we’re here." You look up at the building.

"A tailor shop?" You look up at him confused, he doesn’t say anything and enters the shop with you following close behind. Essek talks with the shop owner while you look around at the different outfits that inhabited the shop, looking over the intricate designs of the fabrics.

"Here we are, just as you requested sir." You switch your attention over to the shopkeeper who hands a small folded bundle over to Essek. He nods to the shopkeeper letting them go about their own business and moves over towards you.

"There should be a fitting room just past the curtain, I’d like to make sure this fits you properly." Essek says, handing you the bundle of clothing.

"This is really for me?" You ask, looking from Essek to the cloths in your arms. He gives you a nod, the ghost of a smile on his lips, you beam at him and scurry over to change into the new outfit. The outfit was made of a silky material, with beautiful patterns stitched in throughout and it came with a lovely flowing robe for overtop. You had no problems changing and once you stepped out and had a better look at yourself in the mirror, you could see a close resemblance to Essek's own outfit in yours. "Wow, I look just like you now." You give him a smile.

"Hold on, it appears you are missing something." You look at him confused until he comes closer and lets himself kneel down to match your height. You feel something cool get placed onto you head, turning back to the mirror you find that an intricately crafted silver circlet was the item in question. You just stare in awe as you trace over the design. "This circlet should help you with your focus when you are casting spells." Essek comments, the smile on your face widens and you turn to give him a hug.

"Thank you, I love it sooo much." You can feel his body turn stiff so you let go and after a minute he gives you a gentle pat on the shoulder and gets up from his kneeling position back to floating around again.

"You're welcome. However it’s only best you dress in the appropriate attire if you are to be accompanying me throughout the day." You tilt your head a little as you try to figure out what this meant, when it clicks in your mind your smile returns.

"Does that mean I get to go with you when you have to do your job?"

"You are allowed to stay in the library, it is easier for me to keep an eye on you that way while still preforming my duties." You bounce on your feet in excitment, library’s were cool and filled with all sorts of stories to read and getting to spend even just a little more time with Essek was always nice to you.

You’re escorted to the library and immediately looked through the large selection of books it had to offer while Essek went about his usual business, now being able to check in on you more frequently. You acquainted yourself with the librarian who was able to help direct you to anything they had within your interest. One of the books you were looking for was on a high shelf, so you simply used the provided ladder to reach it. Another occupant in the library was kind enough to offer and help, you thank them but waved them off saying you could do it all by yourself. The book was just out of your reach, however being so high up you didn’t want to climb all the way back down just to move the ladder over a small ways and climb all the way back up. Instead you thought it’d be a good idea to hold onto one of the rungs and lean over a bit to reach your objective, you end up leaning too far and loose your footing, plummeting to the ground with a yelp, taking a few books with you. Quickly throwing your arms over your face to sheid yourself and wait for the impact, when it never happens you slowly, shakily remove your arms and crack open your eyes to see that you were hovering mere inches from the ground. Looking over your shoulder you see none other then Essek, a look of shock and concern on his face, arm outstretched towards you, a faint glow to his hand as he had used his magic to catch you. With a swift and fluid motion you’re gently placed upright on the ground as he drifts towards you.

"Are you alright? Are you hurt?" He asks with concern laced into his words, checking you over to make sure you were okay. Unable to form words you motion with your hands for him to come closer, he immediately complies by kneeling down to reach your height. Without missing a beat, once he’s reached your level you wrap your arms around his neck in a hug and let out quiet sobs. Still not used to the physical contact causes Essek to stiffen up a bit. There's slight tremors that still raked through your body and after a moment he slowly, carefully returns the hug, lifting you both up in the process. Adjusting himself so he can hold you with one arm he waves his free hand placing back the books that had fallen with you and bringing down the one you had been trying to grab and stores it away for later.

"Thank you." Your voice comes out softly as you finally found your words again.

"No need to thank me." He replies just as softly. "Would you like to know something?" You perk your head up off his shoulder to look at him. "The Mighty Nein have returned." This perks you up even more.

"Can we go say hi?" You ask, but get the feeling you already knew the answer.

"Of course." With that, he weaves his way back out of the library and off towards the Xhorhaus, all while still carrying you safely in his arms.

When you saw the Nein they happily greeted you and instantly started to comment on your new apparel, some of them also took quick notice to the change in Essek's behaviour around you and mercilessly tried to question him about it. You asked how their adventures were so far and they told you about them and some of the problems they’re currently dealing with. You then got to tell them all about what you’ve been up to and how your abilities have developed so far. After some more casual banter the Nein prepare to settle in for the night having been through a long day and needing a rest, you start to make your way up as well but are stopped by a hand placed on your shoulder.

"Exactly where do you think you're going?" Essek raises a questioning eyebrow at you.

"Up to bed?" You reply confused. You hear a faint chuckle come from him.

"I think our friends have had a long day and the last thing they need is our early morning routine interfering with their schedule." He explains, surprising you by picking you up into his arm unprompted.

"Then where are we going?" You ask as the two of you exit the abode. His reply to you brings a smile to your face.

"Home."

Did I over do it? I hope not, but I’m really sorry if I did and if I made it drag on too long 😖

#critical role #critical role & reader #mighty nein #the mighty nein #mighty nein & reader #essek thelyss #essek & reader #nothing romantic here

[for-ests]

Hey, not sure if you do smut but I think this request can work without a lot if you’d prefer😁 reader’s an art student and needs to sculpt a full body nude sculpture and Tom offers but gets a bit cheeky

thanks for the request dear! this was fun to write :-) i literally know nothing about art so if I get something wrong just ignore! i hope you enjoy!! i went a diff +route but I still think it fits! [ mlist ] 

Word count: 3, 273

Warnings: slight nsfw,, nudity 

Pairing: Tom Holland x art student reader!

“The issue is… I have no idea who to ask.” You sighed deeply, embarrassment washing over you as you talked to your best friends about your upcoming project. 

Everyone knew you were a talented sculptor. That wasn’t the issue. The issue was that your professional sculpting internship at (your school) was currently learning about Ancient Greece. One of the requirements to pass the semester was to recreate a modern sculpture of someone you knew, and to make it as realistic as possible. Nakedness and all, which was a huge distinction of Greek statues.

There was a big problem though. You were incredibly shy, and you didn’t know who to ask to model for you.

Nudging you with a laugh, your friend flashed you a mischievous smile. “You know a lot of cute guys, why don’t you ask one of them?”

“Cute guys?” You scrunched your nose. “I know like three guys and I would cry if I had to see them naked.”

She sighed. “Fair. Does it have to be a guy?”

*-You nodded regretfully. “It has to be the opposite sex. It’s annoying but I u

erstand why. It’s important to be familiar with both sexes.”

Your best friend air quoted ‘familiar’ with a ridiculous smirk.

“Shut up.” You huffed, trying not to laugh at how dramatic she had become.

“I think I know a guy, he’s an aspiring actor and model.” Your best friend added casually.

Groaning, you shot her a glare. “Why didn’t you say that right away?”

She shrugged. “I like listening to you talk about your art.”

Her compliment almost worked, but you already knew that was partly the reason she was teasing you so hard. The other reason was because she had been trying to set you up with multiple friends for months. According to her, you had been single for far too long.

Her offer made you ponder deeper about your situation. You were slightly awkward when it came to getting to know someone, but you couldn’t imagine asking someone to strip right away so you could sculpt every curve your eyes grazed over. Whoever it ended up being had to be incredibly confident. Shallow yes, but that’s why you were hoping to find someone insanely attractive. Attractive people were usually confident, and responsibly so. “Maybe a stranger would be worse than someone I know.”

Snorting through her nose, your best friend stared at you like you were crazy. “Definitely not. If it’s awkward you never have to see him again. And if it’s not, well you can get cozy with a cutie.”

Taking a deep breath, you rolled your eyes. “I hate you sometimes.” You mumbled under your breath. You knew she was right, but you would never inflate her already enormous ego like that.

“You love me.” She sang sweetly.

“I do, now give him my number and tell him it’s of the utmost importance.”

❀∙∘✿∘∙❀

Days later, that conversation was on your mind as you nervously organized your sculpting tools. Trying to relieve some tension, you slapped a pound of clay against the table, and it echoed throughout the workshop.

Reality was the fact that this so called model boy was on his way to your studio. His name was Tom, and from the pictures you saw–he was incredibly handsome.

You couldn’t believe you had agreed to this, but alas, you needed this experience to pass your class. You just hoped and prayed that Tom was a lot more outgoing than you, and could keep the conversation flowing as you stared intently as his erect… penis.

Your cheeks flared up at the thought. How the hell were you going to do this?

Y/N: help (Y/B/F/N) I cant do this!!! im freaking out

Y/B/F: is he even there yet? lmfao

Y/N: noooooo :((

Y/B/F: if it makes you feel any better, he’s excited and thinks ur pretty

Y/N: why didn’t you tell me that before??!

Y/B/F: do u feel better now tho?

Y/N: no

Y/B/F: ik ur smiling ;) u aint slick

Giggling like a schoolgirl to relieve some of your anxiety, you set your cell phone on the table. Truthfully, your best friend had made you feel better. If anything bad happened, it would surely be a wonderful story to tell everyone in the future.

Your eyes naturally glanced across the room to the clock on the wall. 7:00pm. Tom would be here any minute as scheduled.

You took a deep breath and studied your surroundings. All your tools were in place, and the entire studio was tidied up as if you hadn’t worked the space in weeks. Next, you walked to the wall and glanced at your reflection in the mirror.

With your hair in a bun and your shabby working clothes, you looked suitable at best. You did have a little bit of makeup on to help yourself feel more confident. If you felt good, you could make your client feel good in return.

At least it looked like you didn’t try too hard. You didn’t want this man to get the wrong idea.

Then, snapping you out of your trance, there was a knock on the door.

You straightened out your shirt one last time, and tucked your baby hairs back behind your ears. Scoffing immediately after, you shook your head. Why were you trying to look cute? Who cares!

You rushed to grab the front door, afraid that you were making him wait too long. You flung it open, eyes locking with his right away.

You froze.

He was even more dashing in person.

“Judging by your cute outfit, I think I’m at the right place. Y/N right?”

And a British accent?

“Y-yes!” You flashed a smile to mask your obvious hesitation. You could easily play it off by opening the door and keeping your gaze averted. You were the master of smoothness.

“Thank you for coming, it’s about time I got this project done…” You tittered, locking the door behind him for privacy purposes. “You can set your things on the couch over there.” You pointed, eyes meeting his again when he glanced to the couch and then back to you.

“Awesome.” He nodded, holding your gaze for a moment longer than necessary.

“Do you want anything to eat or drink?” You offered, nodding your head back to the small kitchen in the back of the studio. You wished the studio apartment was yours alone, but you shared it with multiple other college students in your program.

“Water… or beer if you have any?”

You threw your head back in laughter, causing Tom to smile at your genuine reaction.

“Yeah, I can get you one.”

“In the meantime, should I just strip?” He smirked, not trying to be sly with his flirtations. Though your cheeks were dusting with pink, you were able to match his energy. Your best friend definitely set you up with someone she knew you’d like.

“Do whatever you want, love.” You mimicked his British accent. “You’re the guest after all.”

Walking past him, you gave him one last look when he was fully-clothed. Tom was certainly the player type, practically the perfect embodiment of the muse you had in mind. This wouldn’t be awkward for you, and it would be even better for him. Men like him thrived off of cheeky discomfort in their female counterparts.

Yet, truthfully, you were enjoying it as well. It felt nice to be complimented so soon into an introduction.

As you cracked open a can of beer for Tom and yourself, you could hear him shuffling around with his items. The sound of his buckle falling against the floor made you suddenly nervous to turn around.

Inhaling sharply, and gulping down a few more sips of beer, you finally gained the courage to walk back to the studio setup, where Tom had already wandered over to, completely naked.

“You seem to be in your element.” You noted, trying to keep your eyes leveled with his. Now that you were thinking about it, remaining calm and professional was excruciating in front of such an attractive man. And it certainly wasn’t helping that he was enjoying your embarrassment.

And least this was exciting.

Thanking you, Tom took the beer and pressed his lips against the cold aluminum. “I would definitely feel a lot more comfortable if you were naked too, darling.”

“Hey now,” You nose scrunched in a form of mock distaste. The man caught on immediately, holding your gaze with a sort of amusement that was masking desire. “I might think about it if you sit nice and pretty for me for more than five minutes so I can sketch you.”

“Your wish is my command.”

Shaking your head in disbelief, you walked over to your crafting desk. You decided you were going to start with the hardest part, the part which your grade depended heavily on- from the waist down.

But first, you quickly sketched Tom posing in multiple poses until you were satisfied with one. You had him mimic a sculpture you couldn’t recall, where one hand was pointed forward and the other was rested casually on his hip.

“Can I see what one you want to do?” He asked curiously from the stand you had him propped up on for a better view.

“Sure.” You flashed him your finished sketch. The lines darted all over the page, making it hard for him to picture what was going on in your head. The picture you had drawn would not make sense to anyone else but the artist. But apparently you were talented, so he would trust the process.

You were also trusting the process. The situation you were in could only be awkward if you allowed it to be. And so far it was moving along smoothly. You had your favorite music playing softly in the background to fill the silence, and Tom seemed to be relaxed and unbothered by how quietly you worked.

“That’s cool.” Tom whispered, his eyes narrowing in confusion.

Giggling from his sudden proximity, you tried to tease him. “It’s fine to not understand it.”

“I definitely don’t know what’s going on but it’s still interesting.” He admitted.

You set the paper back down on the table, and decided to attempt and sculpt the base. Moving past a still naked Tom, you tried to immerse yourself in your work, or at least make it seem like you were focused. “This takes hours you know, weeks and months- it won’t make sense for a long time.”

“Perfect.” He grinned. “I’ll get plenty of time to know you better.”

Laughing through your nose, you kept your attention on the clay you had dropped on the floor. “You can put your clothes back on.”

“Oh!” He chuckled. “Yeah.”

As you carefully trimmed the base clay with a heavy frame, you lifted your head to find Tom slipping a robe back on. He definitely came prepared. Had he done this before?

“Come here.” You gestured. “I need you to set your feet down on the clay.”

“I didn’t think this would get dirty so fast.”

“Shut up.” You huffed, grabbing his foot and pressing it down hard until the clay took shape to the size.

“Cold.” Tom commented in discomfort.

“I know.” You released your grip on his calf, looking up at him with a sheepish smile. “All part of the process, but good news for you- you’re done for the night.”

“Really?” Tom raised his eyebrows. “That’s it?”

You nodded, standing back up to normal height. “I’m experienced enough to sculpt the feet and legs tonight.”

“When should I come back?” He sounded a tad too eager, but it caused your smile to reappear.

“Tomorrow night if you’re available.”

“And maybe next time you can bring your own alcohol?” You gestured to the multiple beer cans poking out of the recycling bin.

The man flashed you a smile. “Sounds like a date.”

“It’s definitely not.”

Despite your rejection to his amusing advances, Tom’s expressions and mannerisms remained hopeful. Was it possible he was truly enjoying himself?

“I’ll leave my robe here. I’ll see you tomorrow at the same time?”

“Same time.” You confirmed, nodding him off. It was about time you started to really focus. Attractive man or not, you always got the most and best work done alone.

Because after the first night, the dynamics between you and Tom changed. He became incredibly invested in your process, asking you questions left and right, asking if there was any way he could help, and practically just lounging next to you hours after he would have been free to go.

“What do your sculptures usually look like?”

“Since this isn’t my own studio, I don’t have any of my pieces here. But I can show you a picture when I get my hands wiped off.”

“What do you build your sculptures with? It’s hard to imagine that a replica of me can come out of that much clay.”

“My sculptures are built with water-based clay and are fired in a gas kiln to cone 4, about 2150 degrees Fahrenheit… “ You nodded towards the back wall that had an installed kiln for you and everyone to share. “Trust me, there will be a lot more clay. Hundreds of pounds worth.”

“Can I help?”

“No.”

There was no lying that you enjoyed his presence. Whether he was talking your ear off or napping to the peaceful beat of your jazz music, there was never a dull moment when Tom was in your studio.

Weeks passed, and so did the process. Your sculpture of Tom had progressed to week three, and that’s when you started to grow nervous. When you finished, which you were almost done, would you ever see him again?

You had barreled through the awkwardness of replicating his genitals and chiseling his six pack perfectly into the hardening clay- but you still felt like something was missing. You knew even when you finished chiseling away his jaw line and chocolate brown eyes, there would still be something missing. Him. His presence.

Maybe it would have been better if you partnered up with a man that had zero personality.

Since it was just you and Tom for hours on end, your conversations gradually grew deeper, they stretched into new lengths, so much so that you eventually felt like you had known him for years.

When Tom claimed he wasn’t looking for a relationship, you felt your heart fall. That’s when you realized you were developing stronger feelings for your model. You hardly had time to think about trivial things like that, but you couldn’t deny your disappointment.

And you were sure he saw the brief tears glossing over your eyes when you turned away. Yet, he didn’t make light of it.

That’s when you knew it was useless.

It seemed useless until the sixth week, when you finally finished the head. You were too afraid to attach it. Tom had spent the last couple hours with you in the studio. His legs kicked back and occasional whistles streaming from his lips. He had practically memorized your playlist to the extent you had.

“Tom.” You called. “Your face is done.”

He cheered excitedly, pushing himself off the sofa and racing towards you. Tom had learned to give you your space while you worked, but in moments where you summoned him, he barely stood inches from you. The man would constantly touch you in ways you couldn’t deny sent shivers down your spine.

Like he did as he rounded the tabletop, planting himself by your side and placing his hand on the low of your back. As if it was natural.

“Wow,” He breathed. “Y/N,” Your name upon his lips sounded as blissful as the music. “It’s.. it’s wonderful. It looks just like me... wow that’s scary.”

“I’m happy you like it.” You bit your lip, wishing you felt more satisfied with your project. You wanted to impress him, but you didn’t want him to go.

“All I have to do is attach the head, and fire it up in the furnace one more time. Then it should be good to go.”

You moved to do so, wanting to remove yourself from his grip. It hurt your heart to know the bond you had formed with him would come to an end. Why did you even let yourself get to this point? Was it because he was good at flirting?

“Wait-” His sentence faltered when you whipped around to face him- looking somewhat hopeful.

“What?”

Tom paused, his throat tightening with the words he never thought he would admit. But he couldn’t leave tonight with at least trying. He needed to know how you felt. Because he could either leave with you in his arms, or he could leave never having to see you again.

He had been thinking of confessing to you for days now, but now that the time came, his mind was blank. “You really are beautiful, you know that right?”

“Why do you feel the need to flatter me?” You blurted, still unable to decipher the truth behind his words. You didn’t know how to accept such a compliment. Tom had claimed you were beautiful before, but this time it felt different.

His eyes spoke volumes. The beauty his eyes held was something you would never be able to replicate in a statue. It was a sight you found yourself never growing sick of.

Averting your eyes, you tried to move again. Yet this time, Tom gripped onto both of your arms.

“Look at me.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I won’t let you play me.”

“I was never playing you, darling.” The tenderheartedness intertwined with his words caused you to slowly turn your head back. Your lip quivered, and suddenly you felt like a schoolgirl all over again. You felt childish and unprepared for the intensity of your emotions.

“I don’t want to leave tonight without knowing if you feel the same.”

You blinked, hand reaching out to grip onto his. “And that is?” 

“I don’t know if it’s love, but it could be.” 

“That’s all I needed to hear.” You said, incredibly softly. 

Tom released your arms. And before either of you could process what to do next, your lips interlocked. 

You gripped onto him tightly, balling his white t shirt into a fist to keep him from leaving your side again. 

“Tom-” You breathed. 

The kiss you shared was laced with a fervent need, one that you had never experienced before, and one that you craved again and again. 

After the passion you felt, the skin prickling desire, there would be no turning back. 

“Fuck, you’re everything”’ He mumbled against your lips. 

You pulled back slightly to gaze at his expression. He had looked so afraid before, but now he was smiling from ear to ear. Much like he did the day he arrived with a teasing attitude, ready to get under your skin and provide entertainment. 

“How long have you felt like this?” 

“Since the first day.” He kissed you again, his hands cupping your cheeks. 

You whimpered against his muscular frame, trying to ignore the fluttering in your core, fluttering that begged and craved for more. 

“How did you wait so long?” 

“I wanted you to finish.” 

You chuckled, cheesing at his straightforward, simple reply. 

You were positive from that moment moving on, that Tom was not what you had thought at first glance. This entire time he had put you and your project first, letting his own desires sit and warm on the back-burner. That was something you would hold close to your heart, something you would cherish. 

He cared for you in the same way you cared for him. 

“Stay with me tonight, Tom.” 

“I would love nothing more.” 

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland imagine #tom holland fanfiction #peter parker x reader

[travllingbunny]

The 100 rewatch: 5x03 Sleeping Giants

Continuing my joint rewatch of season 5 with @jeanie205. After two great episodes where we caught up with our main characters and saw (or did not see, in the case of Spacekru) their experiences during the 6-year time jump, Sleeping Giants is another excellent episode, this time fully about the present day action with the Eligius prisoners moving into Eden, their conflict with and capture and torture of Clarke, and most of all about the Spacekru trying to find a way to deal with the Eligius crew, get to the ground and save their people.

It’s also a great Bellamy episode, just as 5x01 was a great Clarke-centric episode and 5x02 a great Octavia episode. Raven also gets still getting pretty good character moments here (and has maybe more lines than in any other episode, but to be fair, most of it is exposition).

What particularly struck me - especially after quite a few slower episodes in season 7 - is just how fast, intense and full of both action and loads of new information (about Eligius 4 and Diyoza, but also a lot of setup for season 6, and even for the possible prequel). There are also lots and lots of parallels and contrasts to season 1, and callbacks to previous seasons in general; morality debates, fights, and one very epic (and romantic-looking) reunion of the show’s two main characters in the closing scene.

Timeline:  2 days have passed since the present day events of 5x01 - it is 2201 days since Praimfaya.

This episode is full of action and new information - if you don’t pay attention to every second, you may miss some of it:

First mention of Eligius 3: their mission may have been top secret. but the crew of Eligius 4 obviously knew that the corporation was sending Nightbloods and that one of the planet was a binary star system (Shaw males a comment "Two suns, no sunscreen”).

Eligius 4 was a mining ship; one of its engines got busted in the rebellion of the prisoners, which is why the ship needed a hundred years to get back to Earth (as opposed to Eligius 3 - which we later see took just a few years to reach Sanctum from Earth)

Possible prequel info: Raven mentions great-great grandpappy Blake who was an astronaut with multiple PhDs (but it’s unclear if he was an ancestor of both Bellamy and Octavia, in which case he has to be Aurora’s ancestor).

We start getting some of Diyoza backstory here (there’s more in the following episodes), when she mentions to Clarke that she fought when the “fascist government” tried to take her home. (This could’ve been seen as just Diyoza’s bias, but now that we have an idea - from 7x08 - what USA - under a President Wallace - was like just before the apocalypse, her description seems fitting. Callie also considered the government fascist.)

Instead of more exposition, the show follows the Show, Don’t Tell rule and gives the backstory about the rebellion in a more exciting way, by having Spacekru find and watch a video message that the late captain of the ship filmed  and was about to send when he was killed. But the show also still intentionally withholds some info: the captain mentions that the prisoners have learned about Order 11 but we don't find out what that was until a few episodes later - that it was an order to kill all the prisoners. This would change our perception of Diyoza and the entire situation to quite an extent, but so far, all you get from this is that the prisoners, and Diyoza in particular, are very dangerous. The captain was about to send the message that Eligius be blown out of the sky, saying that “Diyoza can't be allowed to weaponize the cargo", which first hints at her terrifying reputation. But considering he was just going to do that, I’m not sure you can’t blame Diyoza for letting McCreary kill him. (Even though Shaw just does that, reminding Diyoza that she promised she wouldn’t kill any of the crew - to which she laconically replies she didn’t promise the others wouldn’t.)

There is, however, already some moral ambiguity there because Spacekru learn that prisoners were seen as “expendable” by the people in power - and Murphy says this sounds familiar, pointing out a parallel between the Eligius prisoners and the Delinquents. In general, season 5 plays a lot with the (imperfect) parallels (and contrasts) between season 5 and season 1. Some of the not-so-subtle callbacks include Diyoza saying “We’re not alone” in 5x01, Clarke making notes and drawings of the weaponry that the newcomers have, which is kind of a "parallel" to how Lincoln made notes in his notebook (except Lincoln was mostly making notes of how many people were there, not their weapons - since they didn’t have any), Clarke being captured and refusing to give any info by staying silent, and Clarke getting tortured, like Lincoln was. And just like Octavia argued that Lincoln didn’t speak English, but Bellamy was sure he did, now Shaw tries to argue that Clarke can’t speak English but Diyoza is smart enough to know she does. (It was really obvious in both cases - someone who doesn't speak your language but wants to communicate would say something in another language and make gestures, a mute person would make gestures, but when someone is looking at you silently and with a stone face, they obviously don't WANT to talk. Octavia seems to have actually believed that Lincoln didn’t speak English, since she was later surprised that he did - but she was still naive at the time. I find it hard to believe Shaw really believed that - he was probably just trying to dissuade Diyoza from letting McCreary torture someone.)

But here’s the thing: a parallel doesn’t have to mean two things are really the same - sometimes, as in this case, it’s more like “this is kind of reminiscent of that other thing, but when you compare them, you see that they’re drastically different”, which is pretty obvious, as in one case, we had a hundred kids with no weapons (aside from one gun and one knife), just going around without a plan and trying to have a good time in a rather small area, vs thousands of organized people with at least hundreds of armed warriors in a much wider territory. In this case, we have a bunch of heavily armed (and that’s an understatement, they really have all sorts of incredibly powerful weapons) adult murderers who came in with the express plan to take over the Valley - which was the only habitable area on Earth, vs a sole woman and a child. In other words, the Eligius prisoners are exactly what the Grounders claimed in season 1 that the 100 were, but what the 100 most definitely were not - a real and massive threat.  But on the other hand, there is a reason why this parallel exists - and that’s to point out that the prisoners, no matter how scary they are, no matter how good the reasons to be afraid of them, no matter how bad they may be... are still people who were sent as forced labor, deemed expendable, and now are trying to get back home, to Earth. What else could they do - float forever in space, in cryo? 

Another callback in this episode was to season 3 - and it’s a particularly important one for Bellamy’s character arc: the dilemma of what to do with the 283 Eligius prisoners in cryo. Murphy is the voice of ruthless pragmatism and suggests that they simply pull the plug and kill them all, before Diyoza could wake them up from the ground and use them as her army. Echo, though she says she understands why this is hard for Bellamy, backs up Murphy’s suggestion, but Bellamy refuses. You can see how awful even the idea is to him, reminding him of one of the things he has been regretting and feeling guilty for years - helping Pike kill Lexa’s army while they were sleeping. There are differences in circumstance, but it is basically the same thing, kill people in their sleep pre-emptively, before they could be potentially used against you, because if they are, they would be a huge threat to your people. (Well, it is the same thing for the purposes of the show - if we believe that experienced Trikru warriors could all sleep at the same time and not wake up and start fighting - which the show really wants us to believe, though it never made any sense. The Eligius prisoners, however, are really helpless here because they are cryo frozen, so this would really be the massacre that season 3 pretended Hakeldama was.) Murphy brings up Clarke, in what is one of the weirder lines in this episode - “If Clarke was here, this wouldn’t even...” I’m not sure what exactly he was trying to say - did he mean to imply Clarke would be in favor of killing them all (which doesn’t make much sense - it’s not like Clarke was the one more in favor of violent solutions than the peaceful and diplomatic ones compared to Bellamy, in fact, it was typically the opposite in seasons 1-4, especially whenever Murphy was around to witness their actions and decisions, On the other hand, the show went on to give Murphy some weird opinions about Clarke in season 6. Or did he mean that Bellamy himself would opt for drastic measures to protect Clarke? 

It’s unclear, and it feels like this line just exists to set up Bellamy’s response and show how much the loss and memory of Clarke is still weighing heavy on Bellamy and motivating him. Bellamy has been trying to be better and redeem himself for mistakes of his past that he made when he was more inclined to react violently against enemies - and, since Praimfaya, he has been trying to honor Clarke’s memory, and be the kind of leader she wanted him to be, and the kind of leader she was. "Clarke didn't die for us to go back and make the same mistakes".  

Ironically, Clarke has in the meantime become a lot more like season 1a Bellamy: her focus has narrowed to trying to protect a single person, a child she loves and feels responsible for, and in her present situation, she’s a lot more inclined to opt for violent solutions. We’ve already seen that in 5x01 with the “There are no good guys” scene, and in 5x03 she is quite ruthless when she doesn’t want to mercy kill a prisoner stabbed by one of her and Madi’s traps, even when Madi is asking her to do it. Season 5 Clarke characterization is pretty controversial - and I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it. It was clearly meant to show Clarke changed and not like herself after 6 years isolation with just Madi as a companion - but I don’t like the way it seemed to almost reduce Clarke to the “Mama Bear” trope. On the other hand, this is not entirely new - Clarke was always kind of mother to the Delinquents, even though they were her age, and driven by the desire to protect those she loves and/or felt responsible for -  especially in season 2, we saw how far she can go when she is cornered and desperate to save her people. And she is certainly cornered here. We could argue  whether some of her decisions here - such as to start attacking the prisoners - were smart, but with Eden as the only livable place, there wasn’t much else she could do other than hide, which she and Madi couldn’t do indefinitely.

Bellamy’s. Echo’s and Raven’s fight with Kodiak - a particularly large and dangerous prisoner that Diyoza had woken up because of the alarm Spacekru had set off - is IMO one of the best in the show, very raw and brutal and desperate. It reminds me of the 2x11 fight where Bellamy also ended up strangling a man after a desperate fight, with the help of Echo and someone else who’s mostly a non-combatant - in S2 it was Maya, here it’s Raven. (For someone who isn’t a fighter  and in spite of her disability, Raven has the right moves - going straight for the eyes.) Bellamy and Echo work well as a part of the team, the leader and his right hand, but if you just saw this episode, you’d have no idea that they’re a couple. They don’t get the little everyday moments of chemistry and coupley behavior that we see here with Marper (when Raven teases “lovebirds” about Zero G sex, we immediately see that Marper is who she meant) or that we see with Memori in other seasons, whenever they are together. Here, they are on a break, and it’s so weird after seeing them in S7, watching Emori and Murphy snapping at each other with animosity - but there’s a thin line between love and hate.

Sleeping Giants is generally a great showcase for Bellamy: this is arguably him at his best as a leader, not only negotiating and saving his people while also refusing to commit mass murder, but we also see how good he is at instilling confidence in other team members - be it asking Murphy for his opinion, or building up Emori’s confidence as a pilot. The moment where they smile each other after she lands successfully is one of the best scenes in terms of the Spacekru dynamic - and in terms of genuinely platonic m/f friendships in the show (which should get more screentime).

It’s also a good episode for Raven, who insists she stays behind even though she knows there is a huge chance of dying, and lies to Bellamy that there is an escape pod for two, to stop him from insisting on staying instead, with his own self-sacrificial tendencies. In season 7, Raven felt guilty for not putting her life on the line in 7x03, but she did it here. Murphy ends up unintentionally kind of doing the same - fooled by her lie about the escape pod. Would he have stayed behind if he knew there was no escape pod? At this point in his development, probably not, but he is still showing the desire to contribute and do something heroic. He isn’t even sure himself what his motives are - was it just to impress Emori and show he’s not selfish, or if he really wants to be a hero who is ready to sacrifice and/or risk his life, the way the others do?

There are so many callbacks in this episode! Murphy even says the line "See you on the other side" and Raven tells Murphy: “You're right, dying alone would have sucked", referencing their scene in 2x01, back when they were just starting to not be enemies.

But of course, what this episode is mostly remembered by is Bellamy learning that Clarke is alive, and their first meeting in 6 years, in the epic last scene. The show made Bellamy and the rest of the Spacekru a bit incompetent for a moment when they get themselves captured by two prisoners, so Madi would rescue them and deliver the news that Clarke is alive. Clarke has obviously told Madi stories about Bellamy and described him, since Madi immediately recognizes him. We get Bellamy’s Harper and Monty’s reactions (as they are the Delinquents and much closer to Clarke than Echo and Emori). So Madi rescues Bellamy and then Bellamy rescues Clarke, and it feels like a lot of the plot was written in order to set up that last scene.  (Incidentally, Bellamy and Clarke are paralleled with the way they both say the same line: “No, Madi”.)

Let’s be honest here - there was no plot reason whatsoever to put this kind of emphasis on Bellamy rescuing Clarke in this scene, other than to emphasize the importance of Bellamy’s and Clarke’s relationship. He was already planning to use the prisoners in cryo as leverage to rescue Octavia and the rest of the people in the bunker - which he will also do. He could have rescued Clarke in a brief scene and then continued negotiating with Diyoza. In plot terms, this is not a cliffhanger or last scene material. But in relationship terms? That’s another story. And there was no reason to make it look so goddamn romantic - other than to portray their relationship as a romantic one, regardless of their actual relationship status. 

The entire scene is filmed to look like a dream. We see Clarke looking at him, with a dreamy look in her eyes. From Clarke’s POV, it looks like Bellamy is appearing out of the darkness, bathed in light (and holding the “Best dad in the universe” cup from Eligius 4).  

 If this was just your run-of-the-mill rescue of some of our protagonists by other ones, there was also no reason for Diyoza to say the line: “283 lives for one. She must be pretty important to you.”  In fact, this line used to bug me - because I thought it didn’t make sense for her to ask that. Come on, Diyoza, you know how hostage negotiations and leverage works! You know he is making a smart play here. Release my people and I don’t kill your people - there’s nothing strange about that. But on second thoughts - I can see Diyoza bulls*itting like that in order to try to suss out what exactly Bellamy’s relationship to Clarke is, so she could potentially use it later in dealing with them. In any case, this line clearly exists to set up Bellamy’s answer: “She is”. Set o dramatic music, as the ending line of the episode.

Rating: 8.5/10

#the 100 #the 100 5x03 #sleeping giants #the 100 rewatch #the 100 season 5 #bellamy blake #clarke griffin #raven reyes #charmaine diyoza #john murphy #bellarke #marper #emori #madi griffin #eligius prisoners

[audreyprovostya]

This week we’re delving into The Shadows Between Us by Tricia Levenseller. Another story packed with murder, secret plots, and a wicked young woman ready to play it all out. 

Synopsis: 

Alessandra whatever’s has always been a go-getter. She’s an expert at plying rich men for their trinkets and jewels, only to cast them away when she’s done with them. But now she’s got the ultimate prize in her sights; the throne of the Shadow King. Her goal: woo him, marry him, kill him, and then take his power for herself. But the local lords have been throwing their daughters at him for years and the mysterious king wreathed in shadows remains reclusive and withdrawn. But he’s never met Alessandra before. Soon enough she’ll have him begging for her hand. That is if she can keep him alive long enough to do so. 

I’m mostly used to a goody-two-shoes female protagonist who persuades the male love interest to cast away his evil side and give in to love. It’s a tried and true story (a tale as old as time, if you will). So it was incredibly refreshing to see the roles reversed, and made for a stronger main character; one that had the potential to go through a big change as all characters should. The story set up was really promising for our protagonist; the execution was just a little clunky. 

Part of that setup was the main character’s personality. Alessandra stood out. She made her wants, needs, and opinions known and she rarely apologized. These are liberating traits, especially in a woman. Yet for some reason, she rubbed me the wrong way. I wonder if my aversion to her had more to do with the fact that I'm trained to not trust this sort of woman who is ambitious and confident in today’s society, or if Alessandra was truly unlikeable. It’s not difficult to change this; greedy, power-hungry characters can be made likable with a good moral or two and understandable motivations. 

But Alessandra’s motivations were kind of weak. Her goal was strong; become queen by wooing then killing the king. But there was no real reason why. In a small scene, she explained it had to do with her sister being favored, but there were few examples to prove this. Perhaps if there was a scene at the beginning showing her being overlooked for the readers to experience themselves. She was such a dominant person throughout the rest of the story it was hard to believe she’d let herself be looked over. But we just had to trust her words. 

While her motivation was a little weak, her goal lacked stakes; if she failed to snag the king, she wouldn’t get the throne. Besides her pride, she wouldn’t have lost much. Perhaps if someone she cared about would’ve had to die if she didn’t kill the Shadow King? Or she would have to lose something else important? Or maybe she was doing it for the good of others, considering the king was a ruthless conqueror? Anything to make her hesitate when she started to have feelings for him. But instead, when she realized she liked him, all she had to do was marry him and she’d get her power and her love. There was no sacrifice or risk to be had, therefore no conflict. 

The Shadow King himself also had weak motivations. He wanted to conquer the world, but why? We were never told. He was played off as cunning as Alessandra and yet he fell for her ruse almost immediately. There were mentions of his past with his friends and family and yet these were never explored. From what I’ve gathered, I got the impression that he was just a spoiled, imperialist prince with few redeeming qualities. 

This was especially apparent in their interactions with the robin hood like bandit causing trouble in the kingdom for a spell. Alessandra had another man vying for her attention, but I believe this bandit would have been a stronger choice. He would have been a great foil to the Shadow King. Instead, he doesn’t have any further relation to the story; he could have been completely taken out of the book and nothing would have changed. His only purpose seemed to be to make our main characters look like irredeemable jerks. 

The flow of the plot and their relationship was a little clunky. They started to hit it off at the beginning of the book, but then it takes a break for a while and then they don’t resume until later. In the meantime, it was taking a while to get the setting and premise down. Alessandra was not facing any obstacles, therefore the story wasn’t really going anywhere. Their relationship progression and the issues that came with it should have been a constant during the story, even if there were other plot points happening. Some issues brought up earlier in the book are also resolved far too quickly and not in tandem with the rest of the plot. 

I also wanted more world-building! There were so many seeds planted to make for a really intricate, interesting, and original world. But very few things were explained. I think this book, should the author even want to, could be expanded into more books with how much possible content can be created from these little tidbits of information alone. 

This book had most of the ingredients for a great story. The premise set everything up perfectly. It’s just the execution was a little bumpy. It just needed a couple of tweaks here and there at the story foundations and it would have been even stronger than it already was.  This by no means makes this a bad book. These were the issues I personally had with it. But like all books, regardless of how it's written or how many people like it, it has the potential to be someone’s absolute favorite. Maybe it’s yours? The author has also written other successful books as well should you want to check those out. 

Here’s her site: https://tricialevenseller.com/ 

#the shadows between us #ya literature #book review #ya lit

[lazuliquetzal]

oh, where do i begin?

Duke is in the middle of his post-school nap when an incessant buzzing interrupts his dreams. His hand snakes out and snatches the phone off of his nightstand.

This had better be good.

“Hello?” he mumbles into his phone, voice rough with sleep.

The voice that comes through has the decency to be apologetic. ”Oh, shit, were you sleeping? Sorry dude, I can call back later —“

Duke sighs, resigning himself to the conversation. “No, it’s fine. I was going to get up soon anyway —“

He comes to an abrupt halt and blinks as he registers the voice on the other end of the line. “Wait, Hood?”

“Yeah?”

“You — you have my number?”

“... Yeah?”

Duke wonders for a moment about how that happened — he’d only ever talked with Jason Todd in passing, and for Bat-related reasons.

Wait, Bat-related reasons.

“Is something wrong?” Duke asks, suddenly wide awake, because there are a million possible reasons why Red Hood is contacting him instead of Bruce or Steph or Dick, and very few of them are pleasant.

“No, no, nothing’s wrong,” Jason says. “We’re a-okay. Just peachy. Good times.”

“Oh,” Duke says, lamely, working himself out of crisis mode. There’s an awkward silence for a moment before he speaks up again. “Why did you call?”

“Right, right," Jason mumbles, which seemed a little out of character to Duke. His sort-of wayward brother was generally intimidating, even when he wasn't trying to be. "Uh, Dick said that you had a guinea pig when you were younger. How do you take care of a guinea pig?”

“A… guinea pig.”

A pause. “Make that two guinea pigs, actually.”

Duke rubs his eyes. This conversation hasn’t even lasted thirty seconds and he’s still reeling from the expectation-reality whiplash.

“How did you — never mind." Duke stifles a yawn and switched his mental gears. "What’s your setup so far?”

“I have a cage and food. And two guinea pigs.”

“Do you have bedding? Toys? Hay?”

“Have what?”

“Oh my God,” Duke says, offended on behalf of the guinea pigs. “Okay, I’m coming over. Where are you?”

“Uh —”

“Actually, never mind,” Duke says, already rolling out of bed and pulling on pants. “There’s a PetSmart off of 31st, you know which one?”

“Yeah,” Jason says. “The one by the Hungarian restaurant, right?”

“Yep,” Duke says. “I’ll meet you there in fifteen. In the meantime, please shred some newspapers and put it in your cage.”

"Are you sure —"

"Jason. I'm meeting you at PetSmart — that's not a question. Think of the guinea pigs."

No bedding, Jesus Christ.

“Newspapers, fifteen, PetSmart. Got it,” Jason says, his voice tinged with relief. “Thanks, Duke. See you there.”

___

Duke drags Jason through the aisles and adds the basics into their shopping cart — food, a water dispenser, hay, various toys and other miscellaneous things. He tries his best to explain the importance of each item as he picks them out. Jason listens attentively, even taking out his phone and keeping notes as Duke talks. He asks questions, and Duke tries to answer, and it’s all very… ordinary. Especially when considering the few things they have in common, like fighting crime and the chaos of being part of the Wayne family.

Once they purchase the supplies, they take the subway to Jason’s apartment, and then Duke is staring at two short-haired guinea pigs shuffling around in their cage.

“What are their names?” he asks. Grinning, he reaches in and picks one up. It’s been a while since he’s held a guinea pig. Arbie died when he was thirteen, and he still hasn’t quite recovered.

“That one’s Jim,” Jason answers. “And the black one is Banana.”

Duke looks over and lifts an eyebrow.

“I didn’t pick the names,” he shrugs.

Duke places Jim back down and reaches for the supplies.

"Let's make these babies comfortable," he declares, and Jason snorts in amusement.

Together, they put in the toys and shred more newspaper. Duke makes sure that Jason knows how to clean the cage, and how often. He watches Jason dutifully add reminders on his phone and on the calendar on his fridge. Fifteen minutes later, the two rodents are happily sniffing around the cage, exploring their new toys. It takes Jim a second to figure out how the running wheel works, but soon he's sprinting along while Banana sips at the freshly filled water bottle. Duke brightens up. Already they look much happier.

“How’d you end up with these little guys, anyway?” he asks, curious to hear the answer. It wasn't everyday that someone just acquired a pair of guinea pigs.

“One of my informants is moving, and their new landlord doesn’t allow pets,” Jason says. He reaches down and carefully picks up Banana, mimicking the motions Duke used earlier to carry Jim. “Oh wow, he’s soft.”

Duke grins at the sight of Jason cradling Banana in his arms, a small smile crossing his lips.

“This should only be short-term,” Jason continues with his explanation. “I just got 'em this morning. I haven’t had time to look for someone to take them in.” He looks up, a question in his eyes.

Duke shakes his head regretfully. “I’d offer, but I don’t have the space.”

“Too bad,” Jason sighs. He holds Banana up to his face and smiles wide. “Well, someone’s gonna love these guys. Hope I find ‘em soon.”

Banana wriggles in Jason's grip, so he reluctantly sets him back down. For a moment, they simply sit and watch.

"Thanks for helping me out so suddenly," Jason blurts out. Duke turns to look at the older man.

"It's just — it's kind of a specific situation, and the little brat has school, and I couldn't really think of who else in the family to call. So, thanks."

Family. Duke's heart warms at the admission, that even though they've never really spoken, Jason still decided to reach out. Still considered Duke family.

"Of course," Duke says, gently nudging Jason with his shoulder. "That's what brothers are for, right?"

Jason smiles at the response. He reaches into the cage and gently scratches Banana behind the ear.

"Can you ask around and see if anyone's willing to take them?" Jason asks. "I'd ask Damian but I think he's hit his animal adoption quota for the year."

Duke thinks for a moment, about friends and classmates and neighbors. But before his mind gets too far, his eyes focus on Jason petting Banana. And Duke is suddenly struck with an idea.

“You should keep them,” he blurts out.

“What?”

“You’d be perfect,” Duke says. “You have space. You have the supplies. And you’re responsible, you can take care of them.”

Jason snorts. “Responsible? Guess you haven’t hung around Bruce long enough to hear what he has to say about me.”

“Oh, get over yourself,” Duke scoffs. “You set daily alarms and took notes when I was telling you what to do.”

“I just don’t want to kill them.”

“And that’s why you’d be perfect,” Duke insists.

For a moment, they stare each other down. Jason shifts around.

“I’m not going to be here all the time,” he warns, and Duke knows he’s got him.

“I’d help,” Duke volunteers. “If you’re not in town. I can check up on them. And —“ Jim scuttles up and bumps his nose on Jason’s hand, asking to be pet, “ — you like them.”

Jason huffs a little, but the corners of his lips twitch up. “Okay, fine,” he concedes. "But you gotta help. Not just every once in a while."

Duke beams. "Of course. Should I add myself to the fridge calendar?"

___

“Hey,” Dick greets Duke as he rolls into the Cave. The sun is just starting to set, and the nighttime patrol is just about to start. Duke waves hello and Dick smiles back.

Duke starts removing his gear, laying out his belt and weapons and wriggling out of the body armor.

“So —”

Duke yelps — Dick's voice was right there by his ear.

He slaps at Dick's shoulder but the other man just laughs and leaps out of range. "Give a guy some warning, geez!"

"You and Jason have been hanging out more, huh?" Dick says, still grinning. He lifts an eyebrow.

Duke shifts nervously. "... Should I not be?"

Jason's relationship with the rest of the family is tense and dramatic. Duke knows the story, knows that Jason can be violent and ruthless. But… he also knows that Jason has been trying.

What started as an agreement to take care of two guinea pigs has also led to more . Duke delivers Alfred-prepared food to Jason. Jason pops in and assists on his patrol. They’ve started exploring Lower Gotham in search of the best taco places, texting each other suggestions and ratings and meeting up when they can.

"You two getting along?"

Duke thinks of Jim and Banana, of that one night they decided to marathon Quentin Tarantino movies.

We're family.

“Yeah,” he says, staring Dick down and daring him to object.

Dick’s grin softens at the answer. “Good,” he decides, and he slings an arm around Duke’s shoulder. “I like it when my little brothers get along.”

#dottie wan kenobi #batfamchristmasstocking2019 #dc #duke thomas #jason todd #lazuli writes #fanfiction #<3 #lazuli talks

[recordtank4]

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Abstract. Production of antimicrobial peptides and proteins is an important means of host defense in eukaryotes. The larger antimicrobial proteins, containing more than 100 amino acids, are often lytic enzymes, nutrient-binding proteins or contain sites that target specific microbial macromolecules.

Ibutamoren or MK 677 has actually been shown to increase IGF-1 levels by 60% in 6 weeks. It is a non-hormonal and also therefore needs no PCT after the cycle is over. It will radiate more-so if ran in conjunction with SARMS S-4 and also Cardarine (GW ). This would be similar to a SARMS triple pile that is usually ran with Ostarine, except there is a possibility of more size being placed on while reducing. To conclude, the pure SARMs are not restricted to the ones stated over, but the ones provided are the leading 3 pure SURMs for muscle building. To comprehend even more regarding other health problems and its services, check our system for even more interesting information. Ostrarine is one of the best-knownproducts that are widely utilized in this century.

Besides, each type of SARMs has its method of usage as well as a number of procedures to increase performance. You either dose once or twice daily to execute its feature to contentment as well as integrity. If you disable this cookie, we will certainly not have the ability to save your choices. This means that whenever you visit this site you will require to allow or disable cookies once again. Purely Needed Cookie must be enabled whatsoever times to make sure that we can save your choices for cookie setups. It suggests that buyers have appropriate defense when purchasing sporting activities supplements, both online and offline.

Popular brand names warrant it with boosted demand for these prep work and the greater rates of resources as well as job. Yet, 99% Purity Oxytocin reviews to on-line shopping is, a lot of fraudulences happen on the web. If you do not want to be scammed, ensure that on the internet sale is lawful in your nation. Lastly, seek previous users as well as check their experiences with a specific supplier and items. The safest way to acquire something is when you can check the item right away. When it involves SARMs, one requires to understand what to examine, such as seals or how the print on the tag was done. They ought to be well informed regarding items, brands, as well as everything else that interests them prior to getting.

For a few of the most effective medications, the examinations were also pricey to conduct at amateur level. Readus's wish to go quicker was at the origin of his use of medicines, as well as a large component of the benefit was emotional. Staite was too old to transform specialist, and also despite having the medications he was a nation mile off the very best in the sport. Despite exactly how far from centrally manage Shop Ipamorelin Online - pharmalabglobal are, though, professional athletes who dope often seem to intend to make a step up to the next degree of rate and also competitors, whatever it may be. Picture they coincide type of medications that reproached biker Lance Armstrong was outlawed for using to win 7 Tour de France titles. Currently imagine that several of the fastest riders in this pleasant neighborhood competition have used medications to improve their efficiency. The British Military takes a zero-tolerance method to substance abuse.

Peptides: What are they, uses, and side effects - Medical News Today

Peptides: What are they, uses, and side effects.

Posted: Wed, 16 Oct 2019 07:00:00 GMT [source]

Readus found that a great deal of the advice regarding dosages and discovery he got was wrong, implying some professional athletes fell short drugs tests regardless of all their efforts. For endurance athletes, the medications that were preferred one decade earlier are still the ones that are prominent today. Eventually EPO is merely perfectly fit to improving performance. Olympic cyclist and also former doper David Millar determined the similar sensation-- vitamin injection became his entrance to drugs.

There are many reasons you should use only real SARMs products. Really usually, the checklist of active ingredients found in these imitations is incorrect. A survey by PHI at Liverpool John Moores College-- Steroids and Picture Enhancing Drugs 2013 Survey Outcomes-- provides comprehensive info on the level and qualities of using these drugs in the UK.

How many types of peptides are there?

There are five different types of peptides used as skin-care actives: signaling peptides, carrier peptides, enzyme-inhibiting peptides, neurotransmitter-inhibiting peptides and antimicrobial peptides. When skin is injured, proteases break down damaged tissue into different peptide fragments.

Mechano growth element which is derived from IGF-1 as well as assists with tissue repair service as well as adjustment. Development hormonal agents like AOD-9604, which has weight loss homes and is used by professional athletes to raise power-to-weight proportions. Efficiency and image enhancing medicines are taken by individuals who desire to boost their physical appearance and/or improve their toughness and showing off performance. Essentially UKAD acts upon tip-offs, similar to law enforcement, with online forums and sites marketing medications a primary source for finding prospective culprits. Don't be fooled right into believing whatever you review online is true, though.

Medications influence the fitness and integrity of service individuals and have a destructive result on operational effectiveness. Fail a drugs examination, as well as you can anticipate to be released from the service. Experts such as physio therapists suggest people on just how to reinforce muscles after an injury or operation. They will evaluate the patient as well as deal recommendations and instruct them in exercises that can be made use of to strengthen certain muscle mass teams. Muscle mass are affixed to bones so solid muscle mass can support joints and also various other parts of the skeletal system. For people that want to build the strength of their muscles for fitness gains, they might speak with an individual instructor who can tailor a workout programme to the specific with goals to safely work in the direction of.

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Cyclic Peptides In Biological

What Are The Types Of Sarms, What Are Sarms Uk.

Content

Peptide Adjustments.

New Items.

Types Of Ipeds.

Never-ceasing Scientific Research The Reaping Machine 120 Caps (ostarine).

So, Just How Can I Get Enough Collagen?

View your results with medical professional's recommendations, keep an eye on any kind of changes with time and also see the renovations you can make to your health with easy way of living changes. A terrific means to improve your efficiency as well as get outcomes is to recognize what's taking place inside your body. Look beyond just the price of SARMs to decide what you are mosting likely to utilize.

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Although the companies involved discuss a market worth $1bn, to achieve anything close to this value any product would certainly need to reveal exceptional efficacy and also it seems more probable a number of smaller sized products will certainly emerge. Given previous scientific experience it does appear more probable that development in this complicated illness will certainly be incremental. Taking a different approach is PsiOxus with MT-102, an anabolic catabolic changing agent. Patients are presently being hired for a double blind, sugar pill regulated stage II study in 132 individuals, with either intestines or non-small cell lung cancer cells. Information on endpoints including a six min walking test as well as stair climb must be offered next year; if positive the firm will look for a companion. In the meantime, data must emerge from the mid-stage pipeline, possibly from Acacia's APD209 before the end of the year.

Peptide Adjustments.

The item is a combination of two repurposed medications-- a beta 2 adrenoreceptor agonist and a progestogen agonist. The majority of cachexia study is being carried out in cancer clients but any type of effective medicine would also likely be used in problems such as kidney disease and chronic obstructive lung illness, where individuals regularly experience squandering. More comprehensive capacity also hinges on related conditions such as sarcopenia, muscular tissue throwing away in the elderly that is thought to affect a quarter of guys over the age of 60. Cachexia is mostly associated with cancer; rates differ with tumour types and the phase of the disease. For example, while around 80% of pancreatic cancer people are likely to suffer from losing it is no place near as typical in less aggressive tumour kinds.

Claim a fantastic product so you can get truth worth it needs to supply. All products detailed as well as provided via SteroidsUK are intended for research study purposes only. Products offered by SteroidsUK are not intended for usage in foodstuff or as any kind of medication.

New Items.

A big dose may be taken in one go as well as injecting can bring about major infection, specifically liver disease as well as HIV if injecting tools is shared so clean tools must always be made use of. Troubles such as rest conditions, complication, clinical depression and paranoia may additionally be experienced.

They are affordable and also conveniently accessible to suppress testosterone production. Study made it known that lots of people use the SARMs in the dosage variety in between 10 mg as well as 25mg. Landing on this page implies you may want to know a couple of aspects of pure SARMs. We would certainly choose a remedy to your search as well as reward you with outstanding top three pure SARMs for body building. There's no huge trick that the SARMs can function correctly to enhance body movement.

Types Of Ipeds.

Information that GTx will begin two phase III researches with its unique muscle wasting therapy, Ostarine, is motivating development for cachexia research. The problem afflicts a large proportion of cancer individuals as well as clients with lung as well as kidney illness, brings a substantial death risk as well as can drastically kink lifestyle, however has couple of reliable therapies.

Authorities are reacting extremely quickly and also catching scammers offering fake SARMs. Producers need to check each product in independent research laboratories, which need to give their consent for sporting activities supplements to appear on the marketplace. Without bring your BPC157 Spain to the future , customers may doubt the accuracy as well as security of the item and also deny it. Some SARMs had been evaluated years prior to they were authorized for usage. Although costliness is a loved one term, the majority of users will agree that the prices of SARMs are high.

Our products are not intended to treat, avoid, alleviate or cure any illness or medical condition and also are for research functions only. Raising awareness of the wellness results of PEIDs is an essential emphasis of ASADA Chief Executive Officer David Sharpe. One recent research paper located that youngsters given synthetic human development hormone go to substantially greater risk of developing cancer cells in the long term. Various other research study carried out on hormonal agent peptides has actually shown customers go to increased risk of hypertensive episodes, haemorrhage, water drunkenness as well as even fatality.

Immortal Scientific Research The Reaping Machine 120 Caps (ostarine).

Collect details, reviewed evaluations from other individuals, and also learn what the value is from each product. A badly made product isn't mosting likely to give you the results you desire.

What are antimicrobial proteins?

Abstract. Production of antimicrobial peptides and proteins is an important means of host defense in eukaryotes. The larger antimicrobial proteins, containing more than 100 amino acids, are often lytic enzymes, nutrient-binding proteins or contain sites that target specific microbial macromolecules.

Ibutamoren or MK 677 has been shown to raise IGF-1 levels by 60% in 6 weeks. It is a non-hormonal as well as consequently requires no PCT after the cycle is over. It will shine more-so if ran in conjunction with SARMS S-4 and also Cardarine (GW ). This would be similar to a SARMS three-way pile that is normally kept up Ostarine, except there is an opportunity of even more size being put on while cutting. To conclude, the pure SARMs are not restricted to the ones mentioned above, however the ones noted are the top 3 pure SURMs for muscle building. To understand more about various other health problems and its solutions, examine our platform for even more fascinating details. Ostrarine is just one of the best-knownproducts that are extensively used in this century.

So, Just How Can I Obtain Sufficient Collagen?

Besides, each kind of SARMs has its approach of usage and also numerous protocols to enhance productivity. You either dosage once or twice each day to execute its feature to contentment as well as integrity. If you disable this cookie, we will not have the ability to save your choices. This implies that every single time you see this website you will certainly need to allow or disable cookies again. Purely Needed Cookie ought to be made it possible for at all times to ensure that we can save your preferences for cookie setups. It means that buyers have correct security when purchasing sporting activities supplements, both online and offline.

Protein that can be toxic in the heart and nerves may help prevent Alzheimer's - EurekAlert

Protein that can be toxic in the heart and nerves may help prevent Alzheimer's.

Posted: Thu, 07 Jan 2021 16:45:52 GMT [source]

Popular brand names justify it with raised demand for these preparations as well as the higher rates of raw materials and also job. Yet, comparable to on the internet shopping is, many fraudulences occur online. If you do not wish to be scammed, make certain that online sale is lawful in your nation. Lastly, seek previous users and also examine their experiences with a particular supplier and items. The most safe way to get something is when you can inspect the item right away. When it comes to SARMs, one needs to recognize what to check, such as seals or how the print on the label was done. They ought to be well notified regarding products, brand names, as well as whatever else that interests them prior to buying.

For a few of one of the most powerful medications, the examinations were also pricey to perform at amateur level. Readus's wish to go quicker was at the root of his use of medications, and also a big part of the advantage was mental. Staite was as well old to transform specialist, and also even with the medicines he was a nation mile off the best in the sport. Despite how far from the elite they are, however, athletes who dope frequently appear to wish to make a step up to the next degree of speed as well as competitors, whatever it might be. Envision they're the same sort of medications that shamed bicyclist Lance Armstrong was banned for utilizing to win 7 Tour de France titles. Now imagine that a few of the fastest motorcyclists in this pleasant local competitors have actually utilized medicines to boost their efficiency. The British Army takes a zero-tolerance approach to compound misuse.

information BPC157 Canada ='border: black solid 1px;padding: 12px;'>

Peptides: What are they, uses, and side effects - Medical News Today

Peptides: What are they, uses, and side effects.

Posted: Wed, 16 Oct 2019 07:00:00 GMT [source]

Readus located that a lot of the recommendations about dosages as well as discovery he got was inaccurate, meaning some athletes failed medications tests despite all their efforts. For endurance athletes, the medications that were preferred 10 years earlier are still the ones that are preferred today. Ultimately EPO is just completely matched to boosting efficiency. Olympic biker as well as former doper David Millar identified the very same phenomenon-- vitamin injection became his entrance to medications.

There are lots of reasons why you ought to make use of just authentic SARMs items. Really frequently, the list of active ingredients found in these fakes is false. A study by PHI at Liverpool John Moores University-- Steroids and Picture Enhancing Medicines 2013 Survey Outcomes-- gives thorough information on the degree and attributes of making use of these drugs in the UK.

How many types of peptides are there?

There are five different types of peptides used as skin-care actives: signaling peptides, carrier peptides, enzyme-inhibiting peptides, neurotransmitter-inhibiting peptides and antimicrobial peptides. When skin is injured, proteases break down damaged tissue into different peptide fragments.

Mechano growth variable which is stemmed from IGF-1 as well as helps with tissue fixing and adaptation. Development hormones like AOD-9604, which has fat burning buildings as well as is utilized by professional athletes to boost power-to-weight ratios. Performance as well as image enhancing medications are taken by people who desire to improve their physical appearance and/or enhance their toughness and also showing off efficiency. Basically UKAD acts on tip-offs, just like police, with discussion forums and websites selling medications a main source for finding prospective culprits. Do not be fooled into thinking everything you review online is true, though.

Medications impact the fitness as well as dependability of service individuals as well as have a harsh effect on operational performance. Fail a medications examination, as well as you can anticipate to be discharged from the solution. Professionals such as physiotherapists suggest people on how to enhance muscles after an injury or procedure. They will assess the client and offer recommendations as well as instruct them in workouts that can be used to reinforce particular muscle mass teams. Muscle mass are attached to bones so strong muscles can sustain joints and various other components of the skeletal system. For individuals who wish to build the stamina of their muscular tissues for health and fitness gains, they might consult an individual trainer that can customize an exercise program to the private with objectives to safely function towards.

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A breakdown of the Revision 2020 Threeway Battle shader

Those of you who have been following this year's edition of Revision probably remember the unexpected twist in Sunday's timeline, where I was pitted in a coding "battle" against two of the best shader-coders in the world to fend for myself. Admittedly the buzz it caused caught me by surprise, but not as much as the feedback on the final shader I produced, so I hope to shed some light on how the shader works, in a way that's hopefully understandable to beginners and at least entertaining to experts, as well as providing some glimpses into my thought process along the way.

Recorded video of the event

But before we dive into the math and code, however, I think it's important to get some context by recounting the story of how we got here.

A brief history of demoscene live-coding

Visual coding has been massively opened up when graphics APIs began to introduce programmable fragment rendering, perhaps best known to most people as "pixel shaders"; this allowed programmers to run entire programmable functions on each pixel of a triangle, and none was more adamant to do that than a fellow named Iñigo Quilez (IQ), an understated genius who early on recognized the opportunity in covering the entire screen with a single polygon, and just doing the heavy lifting of creating geometry in the shader itself. His vision eventually spiraled into not only the modern 4k scene, but also the website ShaderToy, which almost every graphics programmer uses to test prototypes or just play around with algorithms. IQ, an old friend of mine since the mid-00s, eventually moved to the US, worked at Pixar and Oculus, and became something of a world-revered guru of computer graphics, but that (and life) has unfortunately caused him to shift away from the scene.

His vision of single-shader-single-quad-single-pass shader coding, in the meantime, created a very spectacular kind of live coding competition in the scene where two coders get only 25 minutes and the attention of an entire party hall, and they have to improvise their way out of the duel - this has been wildly successful at parties for the sheer showmanship and spectacle akin to rap battles, and none emerged from this little sport more remarkably than Flopine, a bubbly French girl who routinely shuffled up on stage wearing round spectacles and cat ears (actually they might be pony ears on second thought), and mopped the floor up with the competition. Her and a handful of other live-coders regularly stream on Twitch as practice, and have honed their live-coding craft for a few years at this point, garnering a considerable following.

Just a sample of insanity these people can do.

My contribution to this little sub-scene was coming up with a fancy name for it ("Shader Showdown"), as well as providing a little tool I called Bonzomatic (named after Bonzaj / Plastic, a mutual friend of IQ and myself, and the first person to create a live coding environment for demoparties) that I still maintain, but even though I feel a degree of involvement through the architectural side, I myself haven't been interested in participating: I know I can do okay under time pressure, but I don't really enjoy it, and while there's a certain overlap in what they do and what I do, I was always more interested in things like visual detail and representative geometry aided by editing and direction rather than looping abstract, fractal-like things. It just wasn't my thing.

Mistakes were made

But if I'm not attracted to this type of competition, how did I end up in the crossfire anyway? What I can't say is that it wasn't, to a considerable degree, my fault: as Revision 2020 was entirely online, most of the scene took it to themselves to sit in the demoscene Discord to get an experience closest to on-site socializing, given the somber circumstances of physical distancing. This also allowed a number of people who hasn't been around for a while to pop in to chat - like IQ, who, given his past, was mostly interested in the showdowns (during which Flopine crushed the competition) and the 4k compo.

As I haven't seen him around for a while, and as my mind is always looking for an angle, I somehow put two and two together, and asked him if he would consider taking part in a showdown at some point; he replied that he was up for it - this was around Saturday 10PM. I quickly pinged the rest of the showdown participants and organizers, as I spotted that Bullet was doing a DJ set the next day (which would've been in a relatively convenient timezone for IQ in California as well), and assumed that he didn't really have visuals for it - as there was already a "coding jam" over Ronny's set the day before, I figured there's a chance for squeezing an "extra round" of coding. Flopine was, of course, beyond excited by just the prospect of going against IQ, and by midnight we essentially got everything planned out (Bullet's consent notwithstanding, as he was completely out of the loop on this), and I was excited to watch...

...that is, until Havoc, the head honcho for the showdowns, off-handedly asked me about an at that point entirely hypothetical scenario: what would happen if IQ would, for some reason, challenge me instead of Flopine? Now, as said, I wasn't really into this, but being one to not let a good plan go to waste (especially if it was mine), I told Havoc I'd take one for the team and do it, although it probably wouldn't be very fun to watch. I then proceeded to quickly brief IQ in private and run him through the technicalities of the setup, the tool, the traditions and so on, and all is swell...

...that is, until IQ (this is at around 2AM) offhandedly mentions that "Havoc suggested we do a three-way with me, Flopine... and you." I quickly try to backpedal, but IQ seems to be into the idea, and worst of all, I've already essentially agreed to it, and to me, the only thing worse than being whipped in front of a few thousand people would be going back on your word. The only way out was through.

Weeks of coding can spare you hours of thinking

So now that I've got myself into this jar of pickles, I needed some ideas, and quick. (I didn't sleep much that night.) First off, I didn't want to do anything obviously 3D - both IQ and Flopine are masters of this, and I find it exhausting and frustrating, and it would've failed on every level possible. Fractals I'm awful at and while they do provide a decent amount of visual detail, they need a lot of practice and routine to get right. I also didn't want something very basic 2D, like a byte-beat, because those have a very limited degree of variation available, and the end result always looks a bit crude.

Luckily a few months ago an article I saw do rounds was a write-up by Sasha Martinsen on how to do "FUI"-s, or Fictional User Interfaces; overly complicated and abstract user interfaces that are prominent in sci-fi, with Gmunk being the Michael Jordan of the genre.

Image courtesy of Sasha Martinsen.

Sasha's idea is simple: make a few basic decent looking elements, and then just pile them on top of each other until it looks nice, maybe choose some careful colors, move them around a bit, place them around tastefully in 3D, et voilà, you're hacking the Gibson. It's something I attempted before, if somewhat unsuccessfully, in "Reboot", but I came back to it a few more times in my little private motion graphics experiments with much better results, and my prediction was that it would be doable in the given timeframe - or at least I hoped that my hazy 3AM brain was on the right track.

A bit of math

How to make this whole thing work? First, let's think about our rendering: We have a single rectangle and a single-pass shader that runs on it: this means no meshes, no geometry, no custom textures, no postprocessing, no particle systems and no fonts, which isn't a good place to start from. However, looking at some of Sasha's 3D GIFs, some of them look like they're variations of the same render put on planes one after the other - and as long as we can do one, we can do multiple of that.

Rough sketch of what we want to do; the planes would obviously be infinite in size but this representation is good enough for now.

Can we render multiple planes via a single shader? Sure, but we want them to look nice, and that requires a bit of thinking: The most common technique to render a "2D" shader and get a "3D" look is raymarching, specifically with signed distance fields - starting on a ray, and continually testing distances until a hit is found. This is a good method for "solid-ish" looking objects and scenes, but the idea for us is to have many infinite planes that also have some sort of alpha channel, so we'd have a big problem with 1) inaccuracy, as we'd never find a hit, just something "reasonably close", and even that would take us a few dozen steps, which is costly even for a single plane and 2) the handling of an alpha map can be really annoying, since we'd only find out our alpha value after our initial march, after which if our alpha is transparent we'd need to march again.

But wait - it's just infinite planes and a ray, right? So why don't we just assume that our ray is always hitting the plane (which it is, since we're looking at it), and just calculate an intersection the analytical way?

Note: I would normally refer to this method as "raytracing", but after some consultation with people smarter than I am, we concluded that the terms are used somewhat ambiguously, so let's just stick to "analytical ray solving" or something equally pedantic.

We know the mathematical equation for a ray is position = origin + direction * t (where t is a scalar that represents the distance/progress from the ray origin), and we know that the formula for a plane is A * x + B * y + C * z + D = 0, where (A, B, C) is the normal vector of the plane, and D is the distance from the origin. First, since the intersection will be the point in space that satisfies both equations, we substitute the ray (the above o + d * t for each axis) into the plane:

A * (ox + dx * t) + B * (oy + dy * t) + C * (oz + dz * t) + D = 0

To find out where this point is in space, we need to solve this for t, but it's currently mighty complicated. Luckily, since we assume that our planes are parallel to the X-Y plane, we know our (A, B, C) normal is (0, 0, 1), so we can simplify it down to:

oz + dz * t + D = 0

Which we can easily solve to t:

t = (D - oz) / dz

That's right: analytically finding a ray hit of a plane is literally a single subtraction and a division! Our frame rate (on this part) should be safe, and we're always guaranteed a hit as long as we're not looking completely perpendicular to the planes; we should have everything to start setting up our code.

Full disclosure: Given my (and in a way IQ's) lack of "live coding" experience, we agreed that there would be no voting for the round, and it'd be for glory only, but also that I'd be allowed to use a small cheat sheet of math like the equations for 2D rotation or e.g. the above final equation since I don't do this often enough to remember these things by heart, and I only had a few hours notice before the whole thing.

Setting up the rendering

Time to start coding then. First, let's calculate our texture coordinates in the 0..1 domain using the screen coordinates and the known backbuffer resolution (which is provided to us in Bonzomatic):

vec2 uv = vec2(gl_FragCoord.x / v2Resolution.x, gl_FragCoord.y / v2Resolution.y);

Then, let's create a ray from that:

vec3 rayDir = vec3( uv * 2 - 1, -1.0 ); rayDir.x *= v2Resolution.x / v2Resolution.y; // adjust for aspect ratio vec3 rayOrigin = vec3( 0, 0, 0 );

This creates a 3D vector for our direction that is -1,-1,-1 in the top left corner and 1,1,-1 in the bottom right (i.e. we're looking so that Z is decreasing into the screen), then we adjust the X coordinate since our screen isn't square, but our coordinates currently are - no need to even bother with normalizing, it'll be fine. Our origin is currently just sitting in the center.

Then, let's define (loosely) our plane, which is parallel to the XY plane:

float planeDist = 1.0f; // distance between each plane float planeZ = -5.0f; // Z position of the first plane

And solve our equation to t, as math'd out above:

float t = (planeZ - rayOrigin.z) / rayDir.z;

Then, calculate WHERE the hit is by taking that t by inserting it back to the original ray equation using our current direction and origin:

vec3 hitPos = rayOrigin + t * rayDir;

And now we have our intersection; since we already know the Z value, we can texture our plane by using the X and Y components to get a color value:

vec4 color = fui( hitPos.xy ); // XY plane our_color = color;

Of course we're gonna need the actual FUI function, which will be our procedural animated FUI texture, but let's just put something dummy there now, like a simple circle:

vec4 fui ( vec2 uv ) { return length(uv - 0.5) < 0.5 ? vec4(1) : vec(0); }

And here we go:

Very good, we have a single circle and if we animate the camera we can indeed tell that it is on a plane.

So first, let's tile it by using a modulo function; the modulo (or modulus) function simply wraps a number around another number (kinda like the remainder after a division, but for floating point numbers) and thus becomes extremely useful for tiling or repeating things:

We'll be using the modulo function rather extensively in this little exercise, so strap in. (Illustration via the Desmos calculator.)

vec4 layer = fui( mod( hitPos.xy, 1.0 ) );

This will wrap the texture coordinates of -inf..inf between 0..1:

We also need multiple planes, but how do we combine them? We could just blend them additively, but with the amount of content we have, we'd just burn them in to white and it'd look like a mess (and not the good kind of mess). We could instead just use normal "crossfade" / "lerp" blending based on the alpha value; the only trick here is to make sure we're rendering them from back to front since the front renders will blend over the back renders:

int steps = 10; float planeDist = 1.0f; for (int i=steps; i>=0; i--) { float planeZ = -1.0f * i * planeDist; float t = (planeZ - rayOrigin.z) / rayDir.z; if (t > 0.0f) // check if "t" is in front of us { vec3 hitPos = rayOrigin + t * rayDir; vec4 layer = fui( hitPos.xy, 2.0 ); // blend layers based on alpha output colour = mix( colour, layer, layer.a ); } }

And here we go:

We decreased the circles a bit in size to see the effect more.

Not bad! First thing we can do is just fade off the back layers, as if they were in a fog:

layer *= (steps - i) / float(steps);

We have a problem though: we should probably increase the sci-fi effect by moving the camera continually forward, but if we do, we're gonna run into a problem: Currently, since our planeZ is fixed to the 0.0 origin, they won't move with the camera. We could just add our camera Z to them, but then they would be fixed with the camera and wouldn't appear moving. What we instead want is to just render them AS IF they would be the closest 10 planes in front of the camera; the way we could do that is that if e.g. our planes' distance from each other is 5, then round the camera Z down to the nearest multiple of 5 (e.g. if the Z is at 13, we round down to 10), and start drawing from there; rounding up would be more accurate, but rounding down is easier, since we can just subtract the division remainder from Z like so:

float planeZ = (rayOrigin.z - mod(rayOrigin.z, planeDist)) - i * planeDist;

And now we have movement! Our basic rendering path is done.

Our little fictional UI

So now that we have the basic pipeline in place, let's see which elements can we adapt from Sasha's design pieces.

The first one I decided to go with wasn't strictly speaking in the set, but it was something that I saw used as design elements over the last two decades, and that's a thick hatch pattern element; I think it's often used because it has a nice industrial feel with it. Doing it in 2D is easy: We just add X and Y together, which will result in a diagonal gradient, and then we just turn that into an alternating pattern using, again, the modulo. All we need to do is limit it between two strips, and we have a perfectly functional "Police Line Do Not Cross" simulation.

return mod( uv.x + uv.y, 1 ) < 0.5 ? vec4(1) : vec4(0);

So let's stop here for a few moments; this isn't bad, but we're gonna need a few things. First, the repetition doesn't give us the nice symmetric look that Sasha recommends us to do, and secondly, we want them to look alive, to animate a bit.

Solving symmetry can be done just by modifying our repetition code a bit: instead of a straight up modulo with 1.0 that gives us a 0..1 range, let's use 2.0 to get a 0..2 range, then subtract 1.0 to get a -1..1 range, and then take the absolute value.

vec4 layer = fui( abs( mod( hitPos.xy, 2.0 ) - 1 ) );

This will give us a triangle-wave-like function, that goes from 0 to 1, then back to 0, then back to 1; in terms of texture coordinates, it will go back and forth between mirroring the texture in both directions, which, let's face it, looks Totally Sweet.

For animation, first I needed some sort of random value, but one that stayed deterministic based on a seed - in other words, I needed a function that took in a value, and returned a mangled version of it, but in a way that if I sent that value in twice, it would return the same mangled value twice. The most common way of doing it is taking the incoming "seed" value, and then driving it into some sort of function with a very large value that causes the function to alias, and then just returning the fraction portion of the number:

float rand(float x) { return fract(sin(x) * 430147.8193); }

Does it make any sense? No. Is it secure? No. Will it serve our purpose perfectly? Oh yes.

So how do we animate our layers? The obvious choice is animating both the hatch "gradient" value to make it crawl, and the start and end of our hatch pattern which causes the hatched strip to move up and down: simply take a random - seeded by our time value - of somewhere sensible (like between 0.2 and 0.8 so that it doesn't touch the edges) and add another random to it, seasoned to taste - we can even take a binary random to pick between horizontal and vertical strips:

The problems here are, of course, that currently they're moving 1) way too fast and 2) in unison. The fast motion obviously happens because the time value changes every frame, so it seeds our random differently every frame - this is easy to solve by just rounding our time value down to the nearest integer: this will result in some lovely jittery "digital" motion. The unison is also easy to solve: simply take the number of the layer, and add it to our time, thus shifting the time value for each layer; I also chose to multiply the layer ID with a random-ish number so that the layers actually animate independently, and the stutter doesn't happen in unison either:

vec4 fui( vec2 uv, float t ) { t = int(t); float start = rand(t) * 0.8 + 0.1; float end = start + 0.1; [...] } vec4 layer = fui( abs(mod(hitPos.xy, 2.0)-1), fGlobalTime + i * 4.7 );

Lovely!

Note: In hindsight using the Z coordinate of the plane would've given a more consistent result, but the way it animates, it doesn't really matter.

So let's think of more elements: the best looking one that seems to get the best mileage out in Sasha's blog is what I can best describe as the "slant" or "hockey stick" - a simple line, with a 45-degree turn in it. What I love about it is that the symmetry allows it to create little tunnels, gates, corridors, which will work great for our motion.

Creating it is easy: We just take a thin horizontal rectangle, and attach another rectangle to the end, but shift the coordinate of the second rectangle vertically, so that it gives us the 45-degree angle:

float p1 = 0.2; float p2 = 0.5; float p3 = 0.7; float y = 0.5; float thicc = 0.0025; if (p1 < uv.x && uv.x < p2 && y - thicc < uv.y && uv.y < y + thicc ) { return vec4(1); } if (p2 < uv.x && uv.x < p3 && y - thicc < uv.y - (uv.x - p2) && uv.y - (uv.x - p2) < y + thicc ) { return vec4(1); }

Note: In the final code, I had a rect() call which I originally intended to use as baking glow around my rectangle using a little routine I prototyped out earlier that morning, but I was ultimately too stressed to properly pull that off. Also, it's amazing how juvenile your variable names turn when people are watching.

Looks nice, but since this is such a thin sparse element, let's just... add more of it!

So what more can we add? Well, no sci-fi FUI is complete without random text and numbers, but we don't really have a font at hand. Or do we? For years, Bonzomatic has been "shipping" with this really gross checkerboard texture ostensibly for UV map testing:

What if we just desaturate and invert it?

We can then "slice" it up and render little sprites all over our texture: we already know how to draw a rectangle, so all we need is just 1) calculate which sprite we want to show 2) calculate the texture coordinate WITHIN that sprite and 3) sample the texture:

float sx = 0.3; float sy = 0.3; float size = 0.1; if (sx < uv.x && uv.x < sx + size && sy < uv.y &&uv.y < sy + size) { float spx = 2.0 / 8.0; // we have 8 tiles in the texture float spy = 3.0 / 8.0; vec2 spriteUV = (uv - vec2(sx,sy)) / size; vec4 sam = texture( texChecker, vec2(spx,spy) + spriteUV / 8.0 ); return dot( sam.rgb, vec3(0.33) ); }

Note: In the final code, I was only using the red component instead of desaturation because I forgot the texture doesn't always have red content - I stared at it for waaaay too long during the round trying to figure out why some sprites weren't working.

And again, let's just have more of it:

Getting there!

At this point the last thing I added was just circles and dots, because I was running out of ideas; but I also felt my visual content amount was getting to where I wanted them to be; it was also time to make it look a bit prettier.

Post-production / compositing

So we have our layers, they move, they might even have colors, but I'm still not happy with the visual result, since they are too single-colored, there's not enough tone in the picture.

The first thing I try nowadays when I'm on a black background is to just add either a single color, or a gradient:

vec4 colour = renderPlanes(uv); vec4 gradient = mix( vec4(0,0,0.2,1), vec4(0,0,0,1), uv.y); vec4 finalRender = mix( gradient, vec4(colour.xyz,1), colour.a);

This added a good chunk of depth considerably to the image, but I was still not happy with the too much separation between colors.

A very common method used in compositing in digital graphics is to just add bloom / glow; when used right, this helps us add us more luminance content to areas that would otherwise be solid color, and it helps the colors to blend a bit by providing some middle ground; unfortunately if we only have a single pass, the only way to get blur (and by extension, bloom) is repeatedly rendering the picture, and that'd tank our frame rate quickly.

Instead, I went back to one of the classics: the Variform "pixelize" overlay:

This is almost the same as a bloom effect, except instead of blurring the image, all you do is turn it into a lower resolution nearest point sampled version of itself, and blend that over the original image - since this doesn't need more than one sample per pixel (as we can reproduce pixelation by just messing with the texture coordinates), we can get away by rendering the scene only twice:

vec4 colour = renderPlanes(uv); colour += renderPlanes(uv - mod( uv, 0.1 ) ) * 0.4;

Much better tonal content!

So what else can we do? Well, most of the colors I chose are in the blue/orange/red range, and we don't get a lot of the green content; one of the things that I learned that it can look quite pretty if one takes a two-tone picture, and uses color-grading to push the midrange of a third tone - that way, the dominant colors will stay in the highlights, and the third tone will cover the mid-tones. (Naturally you have to be careful with this.)

"Boosting" a color in the mids is easy: lucky for us, if we consider the 0..1 range, exponential functions suit our purpose perfectly, because they start at 0, end at 1, but we can change how they get here:

So let's just push the green channel a tiny bit:

finalRender.g = pow(finalRender.g, 0.7);

Now all we need is to roll our camera for maximum cyberspace effect and we're done!

Best laid plans of OBS

As you can see from the code I posted the above, I wrote the final shader in GLSL; those who know me know that I'm a lot more comfortable with DirectX / HLSL, and may wonder why I switched, but of course there's another story here:

Given the remote nature of the event, all of the shader coding competition was performed online as well: since transmitting video from the coder's computer to a mixer, and then to another mixer, and then to a streaming provider, and then to the end user would've probably turned the image to mush, Alkama and Nusan came up with the idea of skipping a step and rigging up a version of Bonzo that ran on the coder's computer, but instead of streaming video, it sent the shader down to another instance of Bonzo, running on Diffty's computer, who then captured that instance and streamed it to the main Revision streaming hub. This, of course, meant that in a three-way, Diffty had to run three separate instances of Bonzo - but it worked fine with GLSL earlier, so why worry?

What we didn't necessarily realize at the time, is that the DirectX 11 shader compiler takes no hostages, and as soon as the shader reached un-unrollable level of complexity, it thoroughly locked down Diffty's machine, to the point that even the video of the DJ set he was playing started to drop out. I, on the other hand, didn't notice any of this, since my single local instance was doing fine, so I spent the first 15 minutes casually nuking Diffty's PC to shreds remotely, until I noticed Diffty and Havoc pleading on Discord to switch to GLSL because I'm setting things on fire unknowingly.

This is fine.

I was reluctant to do so, simply because of the muscle memory, but I was also aware that I should keep the show going if I can because if I bow out without a result, that would be a colossal embarrassment to everyone involved, and I only can take one of those once every week, and I was already above my quota - so, I quickly closed the DX11 version of Bonzo, loaded the shader up in a text editor, replaced "floatX" with "vecX" (fun drinking game: take a shot every time I messed it up during the live event), commented the whole thing out, loaded it into a GLSL bonzo, and quickly fixed all the other syntax differences (of which there were luckily not many, stuff like "mix" instead of "lerp", constructors, etc.), and within a few minutes I was back up and running.

This, weirdly, helped my morale a bit, because it was the kind of clutch move that for some reason appealed to me, and made me quite happy - although at that point I locked in so bad that not only did I pay absolutely not attention to the stream to see what the other two are doing, but that the drinks and snacks I prepared for the hour of battling went completely untouched.

In the end, when the hour clocked off, the shader itself turned out more or less how I wanted it, it worked really well with Bullet's techno-/psy-/hardtrance mix (not necessarily my jam, as everyone knows I'm more a broken beat guy, but pounding monotony can go well with coding focus), and I came away satisfied, although the perhaps saddest point of the adventure was yet to come: the lack of cathartic real-life ending that was taken from us due to the physical distance, when after all the excitement, all the cheers and hugs were merely lines of text on a screen - but you gotta deal with what you gotta deal with.

A small sampling of the Twitch reaction.

Conclusion

In the end, what was my takeaway from the experience?

First off, scoping is everything: Always aim to get an idea where you can maximize the outcome of the time invested with the highest amount of confidence of pulling it off. In this case, even though I was on short notice and in an environment I was unfamiliar with, I relied on something I knew, something I've done before, but no one else really has.

Secondly, broaden your influence: You never know when you can take something that seems initially unrelated, and bend it into something that you're doing with good results.

Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, step out of your comfort zone every so often; you'll never know what you'll find.

(And don't agree to everything willy-nilly, you absolute moron.)

#demoscene #live coding #livecoding #shaders #glsl #programming #gamedev #game development

[trashyocstash]

here’s chapter 2 of the regency au fic

chapter 1 

it’s kinda boring at first because the focus mainly seems to be on the parents, but they’ll mostly be outta the way by next chapter. they’re just around a lot for the setup.

Julie's parents were sitting down together, smiling as they listened to Julie playing the piano for them. She was practicing a piece that she wasn't too familiar with yet, so wasn't the best at it, but was improving. And her parents were very proud of her, as always.

In the midst of this peacefulness, there was a knock at the door, surprising everyone.

"I don't remember inviting anyone.." Mr. Kenyon muttered in confusion.

"Well, regardless, we better go see who it is." Mrs. Kenyon replied.

The two of them got up, while Julie stayed at the piano. When her parents opened the door, they saw some friends there.

"Sorry for coming without a notice, but this is very urgent." One of the friends said.

"Oh dear...what's happened?" Mrs. Kenyon asked.

"The Sanchez family has purchased some land close to your estate." The other friend replied.

"They did what?" Mr. Kenyon yelled.

He immediately stormed off at this, and Mrs. Kenyon watched him go in shock.

"You both should probably go now.." She told their friends. They nodded and then left, both understanding the situation.

Julie was about to stand up, but her mother stopped her. 

"It's alright, just stay here and continue playing. I'll go talk to your father." Mrs. Kenyon said in a gentle tone. Julie nodded and went back to playing piano.

Mrs. Kenyon headed over to where Mr. Kenyon was, and found him angrily writing a letter. She peered over his shoulder and read what it said.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Sanchez,

I've had enough of the two of you and your greedy ways. This isn't the first time you've done these types of shady things, and now you've targeted me and my family. You've bought land in and around my property and I won't stand for it.

I want to speak with you two to sort this out properly. Please write back and allow us to make some arrangements.

Sincerely,

Gordon Kenyon 

Mrs. Kenyon didn't blame her husband for being so angry. Normally, he was a shy and gentle man, but if pushed enough, he could become enraged, such as now. 

"I'm sure this will all be sorted out soon enough." Mrs. Kenyon assured him.

"I hope so.." Mr. Kenyon sighed. His anger had cooled down by that point, and now he was keeping it bottled up.

He sealed the letter and handed it to a servant, who walked off with it.

Mr. Kenyon then sat down, waiting for when he would receive a reply.

-----------

Within a week, a reply had come in. Mr. Kenyon was in the midst of signing something, when a servant came in and handed him a letter. Opening it up, he began to read it.

Dear Mr. Kenyon,

Unfortunately for you, my wife and I have no intention of changing our mind. I purchased the land to use it to make more money, as I was losing some, and now the money is coming back. I am not about to give any of it up.

However, if you wish, we may speak together in person. Come to our estate with your wife, and we'll sort something out.

Sincerely,

Donato Sanchez

Mr. Kenyon grumbled in annoyance, not happy Mr. Sanchez had no intention of giving the land up, but at least he was offering to talk in person. Seeing no other option, he decided to agree.

He headed over to where his wife and Julie were, finding them playing piano together.

"Dearest, we must go to the Sanchez estate together." He told Mrs. Kenyon.

She looked up, surprised. "Why?"

"Mr. Sanchez responded to my letter and said we can sort something out with him." He explained.

Julie looked worried. "Are you sure something can be worked out? You know how he is.."

Mrs. Kenyon gently patted her daughter's shoulder. "It'll be alright, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement."

"I hope so.." Julie mumbled.

-------------

Mr. and Mrs. Kenyon boarded their carriage and rode off together to the Sanchez estate. Both discussed among themselves what kind of agreement they could reach, but despite their discussions, they weren't sure what exactly Mr. Sanchez would agree to.

Once they arrived, they were greeted by Mrs. Sanchez. "Come in, there's a meal ready that we can discuss things over."

The couple cautiously stepped inside and followed Mrs. Sanchez to the dining room, where Mr. Sanchez was sitting, a smile on his face. Neither Mr. Kenyon nor Mrs. Kenyon liked that smile.

"Sit down." He gestured to the two of them.

Mrs. Sanchez sat down beside her husband, and Mr. and Mrs. Kenyon sat on the other side of the table.

"What were you thinking? Buying property near someone else's land! I-" Mr. Kenyon was interrupted.

"Tsk tsk...it's not your land, you don't own any. We are the landowners here." Mr. Sanchez corrected him. "We can buy whatever free property we wish."

"And as my husband told you, we're not giving it up. We're here to make an agreement." Mrs. Sanchez interjected.

Mr. Kenyon wanted to reply, but his wife stopped him.

She then turned to Mr. and Mrs. Sanchez. "Did you have anything in mind for an agreement? There must be something that can be done.."

"Oh we did have something." Mr. Sanchez confirmed. "We hear you have a daughter. And we have a son. Both unmarried. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

"You want to..marry our children together?" Mr. Kenyon asked in shock.

"Why not? It's perfect." Mr. Sanchez declared. "Think of the benefits here.. your daughter will marry into the upper gentry, your inheritance will go to him upon your death, and your daughter will be married and financially secure."

Mrs. Kenyon paused. "And...what do you get out of this?"

"Our good-for-nothing son will finally have a wife, he'll no longer be a stain on our good family name. I trust your daughter could sort him out." He explained. "And you both will be off our backs."

Mr. and Mrs. Kenyon looked at each other, and decided to discuss it among themselves, whispering to each other.

"An arranged marriage would break Julie's heart, she would be so upset she couldn't marry for love." Mrs. Kenyon told him.

"Yes...but maybe she could grow to love him?" Mr. Kenyon wondered aloud.

"Him? Their son is a womanizer and playboy, he most likely will not be a faithful man to our daughter. She'll be miserable."

"We don't know what he's like deep down, he could be a sweet guy deep down, he's just had no one to bring it out in him."

"I suppose...and they are right Julie will be financially secure, your inheritance will have someone to go towards..and Julie will have a husband."

"So...do you think we should go through with it?"

"It seems like our best option.."

The couple then turned around. "We agree."

"Good," Mr. Sanchez grinned. "Come back here with your daughter, and we'll begin the marriage arrangements."

"We can give you her dowry as well." Mr. Kenyon responded.

"I trust you've managed to accumulate a great dowry for your daughter?" He asked.

"We've done our best, I'm sure you'll be satisfied." Mr. Kenyon assured him.

"I'm sure I will.."

-----------------

Mr. and Mrs. Kenyon returned home and found Julie in the middle of embroidering. When she saw her parents, she put her things down, stood up and went to embrace them.

"Mother! Father! How did it go?" She asked hopefully.

They looked at each other, before shooting Julie a worried expression. "You've been placed in an arranged marriage with Rick Sanchez, the son of Mr. Sanchez." Mr. Kenyon told her.

Julie was taken aback. "What?"

"I'm so sorry dear, but we saw it as our best option." Mrs. Kenyon said softly.

Tears welled in Julie's eyes, and Mrs. Kenyon went to wipe them away. "It's alright sweetheart, I'm sure everything will work itself out in the end."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

-------------

Julie headed off to the Sanchez estate with her parents, feeling nervous all the while.

She had wanted to marry for love, but now she was engaged to a man she had never even met. She hadn't heard good things about him, but out of the kindness of her heart, was willing to give him a chance.

As her mother had told her, love is the most important part of any marriage. And so, despite it all, Julie did genuinely want to fall in love with her groom-to-be. But would he fall in love with her? She didn't know, but she hoped that he would. If they grew to love each other, Julie knew they both would be very happy, and that's all she wanted.

Upon their arrival, Julie saw Rick with his parents. His arms were crossed, and he didn't look happy. But then he turned his head toward her and it seemed his mood had been lifted.

"This is my son, Ricardo Sanchez." Mr. Sanchez said, introducing him to Julie.

She watched as Mr. Sanchez whispered something to Rick, and then he made the move to shake her hand. Julie smiled and accepted it. She gave a curtsey, and Rick followed by bowing.

"It is good to meet you Mr. Sanchez." Julie told Rick.

"It's...good to meet you too." He replied.

Silence filled the room, until Mr. Kenyon broke it. "Well, I suppose we best be going now."

Julie turned over to her parents. "Already?"

"Don't worry, we'll be back for the wedding." Mrs. Kenyon assured her. "And we will write to you."

"I'll write back." Julie simply replied.

Mrs. Kenyon kissed her cheek, and she and Mr. Kenyon said their goodbyes. Then they were off.

Mr. Sanchez saw how unhappy Julie seemed, and walked up to her. "Don't worry, these arrangements will only be temporary. Once the wedding ensues, you and my son will be off to your own estate."

"What will we do in the meantime?" She asked shyly.

Mr. Sanchez gave her grin. "Let me give you a tour my dearest, and you can meet the locals too."

"Oh that sounds wonderful!" Julie exclaimed.

"Then let's be going now." He replied.

Mrs. Sanchez walked over to her husband and whispered to him. "Miss Kenyon is already turning out to be quite the agreeable lady. Do you think she's the right match for our son?"

"I don't doubt it." He told her. "Maybe now that son of ours will finally get himself together."

Mr. and Mrs. Sanchez walked with Julie, giving her a tour of their estate, while Rick stayed behind, lost in thought.

His bride-to-be sure was pretty, he wouldn't deny that, but he wasn't about to fall right into his parent's hands and marry the woman they wanted him to. Rick had always taken to rebelling against them, and so, he decided that now, he was going to resist Julie, resist any of her attempts to get to know him.

No matter what, Rick swore not to succumb to her, and no matter how hard that was going to be.

---------

good luck with that rick lol

anyways, i used “donato” as  the name for rick’s dad since he doesn’t have a canon name at the moment.

#rick and julie #sweet n sour #regency au

[danikatze]

Hi, i'm curious do you like more yaichi-matsu or yaichi-masa? Also hoe do you think everything went after manga's ending? Like they got together as a couple? Who? Thanks love your blog

Ok the first question is easy: if I had to choose between IchiMatsu or IchiMasa I’d say BOTH! And let’s throw some MatsuMasa in there too. Or a lot because I’ve been obsessed with them for ages and if you wanna know how I see that happening, I posted my thoughts on that here :))

The second bit on how Yaichi would get together with either Masa or Matsu is more difficult. So it got long

Ume, Okinu, Otake and Ginta are already on their way to "the west" when Yagi releases Yaichi, and Matsu is working on a big last minute commission, so Masa and Yaichi travel to the west together. Superficially this is a perfect setup for romance, but then again.. Yaichi is obviously suffering from all sorts of mental and physical traumas at this point.

For one thing the wounds on his back from Yagi’s punishment haven't healed yet. He already had trouble falling asleep before because of his anxieties, which was why he started taking sleep medication. Now that he has no sleep medication and pain, it’s practically impossible.

On top of that he hasn't had a reason to feel really safe in close to/over a decade (is my guess.) While you'd think the fact that he's safe now would give Yaichi a sense of relief, it's probably very unsettling and stressful.. A few years ago I read someone's head canon that Yaichi has PTSD and that just makes a lot of sense to me. 

In short, upon reflection that's not the best place to start a relationship. Masa thinks so too and refrains from initiating a serious relationship. Even if he had tried, I believe the idea alone would give Yaichi a ton of anxiety and he wouldn't be passive about that.

Nonetheless Yaichi and Masa are more than close and Masa plays an important role in Yaichi's recovery. Masa is the only one who knows exactly who Yaichi is and what he's done and despite that he stays with Yaichi. He honestly wants to. This is mind-boggling to Yaichi but also comforting. 

In the meantime Matsu and Masa become quite a lot closer than anyone would've thought possible, as I described in the post linked at the start of this one. In case you don't wanna read that, I'll just rephrase and add to the bits where I explain how Yaichi and Matsu patch things up - because as you know, the last time Matsu was alone with Yaichi, he threatened to kill Matsu. He was like a cornered animal, but still. Also not a good place to start a relationship.

Masa thinks it's unwise for Yaichi to have his own place just yet, so they decide to live together and end up living practically next door to Matsu. Masa finds a job, but is nervous to leave Yaichi alone. Not knowing what happened between them, Masa asks Matsu to check up on Yaichi every now and then when he's off to work himself. Matsu can't refuse, because it's Masa asking and he feels like he owes Masa for saving his life, Yaichi's life and the Five Leaves.

At first it's awkward to say the least. Matsu has told Otake what happened after he followed her to Yaichi's hiding place. While she thinks what Yaichi has done is terrible, she gently scolds Matsu. It was inappropriate and misguided of him to confront Yaichi at that time and place.

So Matsu apologises. Clumsily. It takes Yaichi quite a lot longer to express some regret for how he treated Matsu. I can't decide for myself when Yaichi starts feeling things for Matsu. Maybe all along, but in any case I think Yaichi had trouble respecting Matsu. 

Maybe because Matsu fell in love with the lie Yaichi presented, maybe because he obviously wanted to be close to Yaichi and thought the way to do that was by being useful, maybe because Matsu always lived for others. For his son and the child's mother, for Kikuya and for Yaichi, but never for himself. Maybe Yaichi simply couldn't have fallen for Matsu because, unlike the others, he hid who he really was.

But the closer Matsu becomes to Masa, the more he shows himself. The more he dares to ask for himself. And it's endearing, kind of beautiful and appealing. Matsu checks on Yaichi daily, as requested by Masa, but after some time Yaichi beats him to it and visits Matsu instead. He lingers often and gradually finds himself staying for hours. Most of their time together is spent in comfortable silence.

And this is where I'm going to leave things. Somewhere along the line they become a beautiful loving poly triangle.

#replies #saraiya goyou #spoilers #anon #haa I hope this isn't too much information x) #I just have a very specific ideal in mind for Matsu Masa and Yaichi <3 #in any case: thank you for asking #I can't get enough of talking about this story #and I can't believe people care about my opinion haha #ichimatsumasa #hc

[filmista]

Paris Texas (1984)

“I knew these people...”

Perplexing and enigmatic are two of the terms that immediately come to my mind when I think about Paris Texas. It’s one of the calmest, even serene films I’ve ever seen, which might seem strange since it deals with important subjects and grand emotions. 

It favors dealing with them in a gentle, subtle way and incredibly patient way, very slowly revealing more of itself, while nestling itself into the viewer’s mind and heart, long before the end absolutely rewarding the viewer's patience.

Unlike some slowly moving films, it also doesn’t feel like its building up to anything big, it just as if it were a river keeps going at its own leisurely pace, whilst what has to happen and unfold, does so in a natural and unforced way. While it clearly all follows (an even seemingly simple script) it never feels like its trying to adhere too much to anything, that resembles a classic setup. 

This approach of filmmaking and storytelling is traditionally considered a more European one (not that there aren’t any American examples of it) and that applied to a setting that’s very American. It has everything that we associate with genuine yet “cliche” images of the US, from ghost town, abandoned gas stations to hamburger restaurants and characters wearing baseball caps... it should make for a very puzzling film in that way, but it very simply works and the result is as beautiful as it is utterly fascinating. 

Paris Texas is a clear example that a slow, even an incredibly slow film doesn’t always a boring one make, as long as the subject/s aren’t dull and characters not lifeless.

An enigmatic slightly surreal atmosphere seems to be ingrained in the first few opening shots, what we see is something we’ve seen before: a wide-open space somewhere in the US, we see an eroded rock, and a prey bird so immediately we know what kind of setting we are in. 

It’s a beautiful but harsh environment, the natural elements in it make a stunning sense, it’s nature without any kind of disturbance. However after only a few minutes, the film takes a route we don’t expect, soon an alien element arrives: a man is walking in the desert, looking like he’s been walking around there for ages like he’s suddenly just come out of nowhere. Or has simply always been there. 

Either from this moment on you’re gripped by the film, or you’ll find it strange as can be. Which it is, but eventually it begins to reward your patience, and it does in an incredibly smart way. At first, we know almost nothing about its characters, and by the end, we truly care about them. 

The way ‘Paris Texas’ starts might not make it seem like it’s going to be the most emotional of films, but it unfolds in a very slow and subtle way, slowly revealing more and more about its characters, that initially seem like very hard people to care about, because they’re incredibly flawed. But that’s the beauty of the film: there’s really no “neat” resolution to anything, like life it’s messy and imperfect. 

The film reflects on the nature of regret. Either we can dwell and regret forever and ever, regret mistakes that we made and lament that we weren’t a better person. Technically the man from ‘Paris Texas’ wouldn’t be what we consider a good man, but he’s given a chance, takes it and tries to right things. It has an ending that is at once a kind of perfect happy ending, but also not devoid of a certain kind of sadness. 

Some people question whether the ending is at all a realistic one, or whether it was the best possible solution for things. But that’s somewhat missing the point, Paris Texas is an incredibly human film because its subjects and emotions are relatable. 

But it’s not always the most realistic one. Certain scenes in the film set against a background lit in beautiful lighting, feel almost like a fairytale of sorts. And the ending is a continuation of that, the filmmaker wants to give a happy ending and let his character do what he deems is the right thing to do. But it’s at once bittersweet because while this makes certain people happy, it also leaves other people sad. Sometimes for someone’s happiness, a little bit of personal sacrifice is needed.

The way the main character feels is in some way relatable, who if we’re being honest hasn’t wanted to just leave, dissolve as it were, be in nature away from society forever with as only company silence (I definitely have at times).

But as ‘Paris Texas’ seems to prove, running from problems and our lives is impossible. The past catches up, and the only thing we can do is make amends with our past, and if we can correct the wrongs. 

Although Travis doesn’t seem like he is highly stressed or obsessed with his past, he’s just walking around slightly dazed… as if he has lost all awareness of how long he has been there, or what to do next but just keep walking. In the initial scenes, he’s clearly thirsty and stumbles into something that used to be a bar, where he eventually loses consciousness and is patched up by a random German guy. 

These initial scenes don’t make much sense, why is there a random German guy, why is a doctor in a bar? Did he use to be a doctor and did he move to the US? All questions that are never answered. 

But it doesn’t seem to matter either, it’s just something to let the film start with and introduce us to the main character: a mysterious man of who we don’t know what he’s doing there and why he doesn’t talk. But he’s clearly someone away from something, later we learn it’s from his past family. 

The first member of that past family that we meet is his brother (Walt), who is called by the doctor to come to pick up his brother. We learn nothing new at first, Travis is still not talking. He seems to have forgotten how to be. 

The two sit opposite each other at a hamburger restaurant together, in utter quietness. Travis seems alienated by the world and its noises and its daily rhythms. Even like he seems slightly annoyed by it all. 

Eventually, we discover he used to have a wife and a son, still has them. But doesn’t know where they are. His alienated wife Jane left their son, Hunter, with Travis’s brother and his French wife Anne, who are raising him as their own. It’s especially Anne that has wanted a child,  so for her, it’s a happiness inside something tragic. 

We also discover that his wife just didn’t randomly leave, he left her first. One day just walked off, only to be later be found wandering in the desert unaware of how many years have passed. He even asks how old his son is now, and is shocked to discover that it has been three years. And is saddened that his son doesn’t really remember him. 

Jane we discover leaves Hunter with Anne and Travis’s brother because she believes she was incapable of taking care of Hunter on her own, feared she wouldn’t be able to be a good mother. Yet she cared, as at the beginning of every month she deposits money for him and his future in a bank in Houston. And we see later on that she misses her son, but is now most likely too afraid to disrupt his life. 

Travis didn’t leave Jane out of nowhere either. They were fairytale happy with each other for a while, each of their days together with a joy. 

But Travis was incapable of being without her, so even though he knew he had to work to sustain his family, he’d still only every once in a while take a brief job, long enough to keep them going for a while. While she was alone he’d get jealous and worry whether she was with someone else in his absence.

He eventually would get so jealous, that he’d purposely stay out longer, in the hopes that she would be jealous, but it only made her worry more. 

Which in return made him angry, at this point the joy out of the relationship was gone. Later Jane gets pregnant but isn’t happy with him or with the child. Travis finally seems to realize that what makes her unhappy or some of his problems, and simply leaves. 

In the meantime, she is shown to miss him, imagines being with him. So she wasn’t happier without either him or her son. The dynamic of their relationship most definitely when you think about it, sounds like a toxic one. 

Two people that love each other, but one can’t love without harming the other, due to some of his delusions and fears. Yet it’s difficult to hate Travis, and I also don’t think he’s a man that deserves to be hated. 

He realizes what he’s done, that it’s his own fault and that it can never be made right again. Once we cross a certain point, we can very difficultly go back if we can at all. 

We see from the way that he looks at old photographs of his family, of him and his wife, and while he looks at an old home video, that he still loves her and that his time with her might well have been the most beautiful of his life. He loves her enough to now realize, that he harmed her and that if you really love someone, sometimes you have to let go. So as to not make the same mistakes again. 

Although Travis as in some scenes being described as being a man with a temper and jealousy problem seems far gone. He’s now someone calm, and very kind in his interactions. Someone that’s had time to reflect about himself. So changed Travis seems like someone that could deserve Jane. However, he firstly doesn’t know where she is, except that it’s somewhere in Houston. 

And secondly, he also seems to realize, that it’s been much too long to rekindle the flame. So he does what he thinks would be the most beautiful gift for her: reunite her with her son, whilst moving out of the picture. As he feels there is no place for himself anymore. And so we can assume that he resumes what he previously did. 

Of course, the ending begs the question, did Travis have the right to remove Hunter from Anne and her husband? Anne loves him like he were her son. However, we also see that there seems to be some strain in the family, as “their son” is really the only thing that seems to bond them together, as soon as Hunter is away Anne becomes cold with her husband. 

There’s even an interesting scene in which Anne and Travis contemplate the LA skyline together, whilst having a nice chat and laugh, it feels like one of the most intimate scenes in the film: as these people at that moment really seem to get each other. So if he cared about Anne, how could he take Hunter away from her? Perhaps he didn’t think it was right, to leave Hunter with two people that didn’t love each other anymore. 

Case in point for this interpretation, the brother’s wife is French and from Paris. And has been asking her husband for a trip to her home city for ages, they have however never gone. And it doesn’t seem to because of any lack of money, more than he his other priorities. It seems to me that if you really love someone, you would show some interest in their desires, and what’s important to them. 

Then there’s another question, Hunter’s mom Jane is revealed to work at a rather questionable nightclub, we never fully know if she does or doesn’t work at a prostitute. 

It seems like the kind of job that doesn’t pay much, so could she realistically provide for him? However, one thing I would never say is that she doesn’t deserve her son because of what she does. 

The film leaves you with questions in the end, that you’d ponder in the real world. However in filmland all is possible, and that last shot of the film is infused with pure and true love: Jane highly hugging her son with a huge smile on her face, whilst in the background (a parking lot with some of the nicest green neon lighting ever) Travis contemplates the scene, happy with how events have unfolded. 

Of course, he didn’t just randomly drop him off with Jane. First, he reconnects with his son, who doesn’t seem to like him much at first or particularly care to get to know him. But this is also quite logical, as Hunter had learned from a large part of his life to see another man as his dad. Travis slowly wins Hunter back (these are some of the most touching scenes in the film). 

Hunter and Travis spend time together, and soon their interaction with each other is that of any other father and son that have a very good bond. Naturally, Hunter becomes curious about the pretty woman in the photos and videos who he is told is his mother, and he and Travis eventually embark on a brief road trip to Houston to go find her. 

Eventually, they do. Travis has found the club where Jane works, and the two talk briefly two times. But it’s the second time, that she realizes it’s him. And one of the most moving and at once painful conversations unfold, in it are condensed all the love of Travis for Jane and all his regrets. 

Ultimately it’s decided that she should be with him, and he gives her the directions of a hotel where she can find him. And before disappearing completely out of the picture, (perhaps in a more cliche element) he leaves Hunter a letter explaining to him why he did what he did, and that he loves him more than anything. It might be a cliche, but it doesn’t detract anything from the power of the scene, the sentiment of the action is heartfelt. 

Still much rather than any storyline, which is very simple yet deceptively difficult to describe. What you remember about the film is its unique atmosphere, the almost surreally serene beauty of its cinematography and its performances that are powerhouses in their tranquillity. 

No one talks loudly in the film, and rarely raise their voice, yet every emotion that is conveyed sticks with you as strongly as if it had been engraved on your memory. No one in the film delivers a bad performance, yet there are three specific ones that come to mind for me. 

Harry Dean Stanton’s as Travis, he handles the portion of the film where has to be quiet well, we don’t know why, yet it also doesn’t seem that strange. He captures a kind of calm, that we assume someone can only have required after coming to peace with themselves.

His chemistry with Hunter Carson that plays his son, is also incredibly moving to watch. Nothing in the interactions between them feels forced, they just naturally grow towards one another. 

Meanwhile, Hunter Carson gave one of the best child performances I’ve ever seen, he doesn’t do “kid behaves creepily adult” for his age thing, he has the normal slight discomfort and distrust children sometimes have when they’re meeting someone new, especially if that someone disrupts their life as it is. The Later scenes where he’s with Travis looking for his mother, feel the way a real father and son would interact. They’re a joy to watch.

Then there’s Nastassja Kinski as Jane. She’s been criticised for not being a good actress, but I think she handles this perfectly. Granted it’s not a big role, but her presence still haunts the whole film. And the few times that she appears, are unforgettable. 

It is actually all about her. She has a select few pivotal scenes, and she absolutely handles them with grace. She has a few very emotional scenes, yet she doesn’t handle them in an overly showy way. There’s a subtlety, yet her face is easy to read, and her actions feel realistic. 

The film’s cinematography is at least in my opinion amongst some of the most beautiful of all time. It captures the US from a foreign gaze, literally (as its maker was German) but it also seems to translate into the character of Travis, he’s American. 

But he has been isolated from the normal functions of everyday life for so long, that it is almost like he’s a tourist in his own country, rediscovering things as if it were the first time that he was seeing them. 

It also translates into the sheer singular, at times almost bewildering beauty of certain scenes. A love for the landscape emanates from even in the banalest of scenes. 

Even the neon lights of a hamburger restaurant at night are captured so beautifully, that it looks like a beautiful picture. The sheer beauty of nearly every frame should be enough to entice most film lovers. 

Paris Texas is unique in that it is an American film, with utterly American elements that feel decidedly not so, yet if you’re willing to go along that’s never bothersome or weird at all. 

Some films are very clearly filmed in very recognizable parts and you can almost imagine the crew filming there. Not with Paris Texas, its world feels like it has at once always been there, and like it’s very much its own thing, almost a mystical land inside of another land. It’s a land definitely worthy of a visit.

-He wanted her to get jealous, but she didn’t. She just worried about him, but that got him even madder.

-Why?

-Because… he thought if she never got jealous of him, she didn’t really care about him. Jealousy was a sign of her love for him.

#favorites #longread #paris texas #paris texas 1984 #paris texas movie #paris texas film #wim wenders #robby müller #harry dean stanton #dean stockwell #aurore clément #hunter carson #movies #films #reviews #movie review #film review #movie analysis #cinema #filmista

[theepitomeofamess]

pt. 2

Hopefully you enjoy this continuation, even though it’s mostly setup and probably bland

Words: 3345 (too many)

Warnings: mentions of addiction, light cursing

Despite his efforts, Logan didn’t sleep a wink that night. He told himself it was just because of all the sleep he’d gotten while he was unconscious, but he knew better. He could feel all the reasons his body wouldn’t let him sleep. Curled up in the mediocre bed with overly crisp sheets and not enough pillows, gripping his stomach with trembling arms, sheets kicked off his legs because of the pool of sweat engulfing him, soaked into the bed beneath him and his standard issue blue pants and white tee shirt, matting his hair. His jaw clenched in an attempt to keep his teeth from chattering every time he got a chill, but that only led to a tension headache in addition to the all-encompassing ache that started in his bones and spread like a virus through every nerve ending in his body. Somewhere deeper in his chest than usual, his heart pounded too hard, too fast. More than once throughout the night, a nurse came in to check up on him because his heart rate was too fast or his blood pressure was too high. The nurse taking the night shift in place of Patton wasn’t as practiced in bedside manner.

“It’ll be okay,” she’d said the second of three times she had to check on him that night, not even looking at him as she put something in his IV that was supposed to help his heart calm down. “I know withdrawal is hard, but with determination and a good support system, you’ll get through just fine. I remember how hard it was for me to kick cigarettes.” Logan’s entire face scrunched at the comment. He managed to sit up long enough to look the nurse in the eye before growling at her to get out. She didn’t speak the next time she showed up to adjust his medicine.

He still hadn’t shown up when someone in a pink necktie and tan sweater showed up in the chair next to his bed. He introduced himself as Dr. Picani, the hospital’s leading psychiatrist and therapist.

That was about when Logan mustered enough energy to flip himself onto his other side, his back to the doctor.

Dr. Picani kept talking to Logan’s back, though, telling him things like “I can't help you if you don't let me,” and singing lines from “Do you want to build a snowman” from Frozen. Every now and then, he’d ask a question, and there would be the sound of pencil on paper cutting the silence following the question. Eventually, Picani seemed to give up, sighing.

“Okie dokie, artichokie,” he sang, “I’m gonna be back in here in a few days, hopefully then your withdrawal agitation will have subsided a bit. In the meantime, I want you to come to my group therapy session tonight. It's all past addicts dealing with withdrawal and similar stories. I think you'll be our first heroin OD survivor, but hey, first time for everything, right?”

“I’m not going to any group therapy.”

“Patton’ll show you how to get there and meet you after to bring you back.”

“I don't do group things.”

“I’m legally required to determine whether you’re mentally fit before you can be discharged. Until then, you're going to stay here. Basically, if you want to get out of here, which I know you do, you’ll do what I say is best. Otherwise, I hope you're comfortable here.” Logan heard Picani stand up at start for the door. He desperately wanted to throw something at the guy, but there was nothing where he could get it that could be thrown with minimal effort.

“I don't do group shit,” Logan reasserted.

“All you have to do is show up, Logan. Just show up, and we’ll go from there.” The door clicked shut behind Picani, and Logan was alone again.

Not for long.

Roman showed up in Picani’s chair within what felt like five minutes of his departure. The clock on the wall said that it had been more like an hour, but Logan didn't feel like listening to some clock. What did it know, anyway? Hospitals are some of the main places where reality is distorted and time means nothing, like abandoned schools and highway rest stops and empty airports.

Roman didn't talk about anything in particular. Mostly, he rambled off about what had happened in the news that day and exciting things - aka everything - that happened at his job. There were moments in between his ramblings when Logan could hear Roman talking about what sounded like nothing but felt like everything. He actually listened to those moments. Roman talked about how he’d helped Virgil through a panic attack with a particular breathing exercise, how he’d babysat Virgil and Patton’s little brother Thomas a few days ago and some of the stuff the kid had said still stuck with him, how he was worried about all of the storms in the forecast, then talking about how listening to the rain can be just as satisfying as basking in the sun. His voice got smaller when he talked about these little thing, sounding like the soft glow of a candle in low light. When his voice started growing, flickering, Logan started to feel it rubbing him the wrong way. He knew at least part of his agitation was withdrawal, but Roman’s personality was just loud enough to irritate him.

And yet, he never told Roman to stop. He never told him to get out. He never even spoke. He just laid in his bed, listening to Roman talk for what must have been hours.

Logan had to admit, there was something comforting about having someone just there. Just being there and talking to him and not expecting him to expend energy in order to participate in conversation. Logan had always hated chatting, but if it could always be one-sided like this, then maybe he wouldn’t mind.

At some point, Logan managed to allow his eyelids to fall shut. He didn’t stop listening to Roman - he was talking about his theater’s production of The Tempest, and Logan had always had an interest in Shakespeare. Walking the line between awake and asleep, Roman stopped at some point to remove Logan’s glasses from his face so they wouldn’t bend against the pillow. Logan might’ve opened his eyes or told him to keep going, that he was listening, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Everything was just too heavy, his vocal chords pinned against the back of his throat, unable to move. After his glasses were removed, Logan felt fingers running through his hair, brushing bangs out of his face. A gentle sigh. He couldn’t bring himself to push Roman away.

“We just weren’t built for reality, were we?” Roman’s whispered musing confused Logan but burned his throat with tears. He’d never heard anything more true.

Roman’s fingers had just disappeared from Logan’s hair when he fell off the line between into unconsciousness.

No sooner had Logan fallen asleep than he was woken up by a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Time to wake up, Lo. Let’s go see Dr.Picani.” Patton’s cotton candy voice made Logan sneer.

The sky had transformed from blue to orange beyond the window, pink cotton clouds floating effortlessly, carelessly. His hair was stuck where Roman had placed it, the sweat having dried to hold it in place like some sort of crappy natural hair spray. He felt filthy, like he could just rub his skin and a full layer of dirt and sweat and skin would crumble off of him. He sighed, putting all of the effort he could muster into sitting up and throwing his legs over the side of the bed to rest on the floor. The linoleum was cold under his socks.

“Sorry to wake you when you’re finally getting sleep,” Patton apologized, “but doctor’s orders. Picani really cares about his patients, keeps track of every single one, especially new ones.”

“You know him well,” Logan sighed, standing up to try and retrain his trembling legs to retrain them to hold him up.

“Well, I’ve talked to him quite a bit. It helps that we work in the same place and he works with Virgil once a month.” Logan nodded, habitually memorizing everything that Patton said for future reference. “He’s great at what he does, helped Virge a lot. Gave him a bunch of ways to manage his anxiety, got him into art as a creative outlet and look at him now. Doing commissions online, going for a degree in art therapy because of what Picani did for him. I’ve never seen him so happy.” Patton’s eyes were distant, but the amber flecks among his dark irises sparkled with pride.

“You’re a little proud of your brother, aren’t you?” Logan half chuckled as Patton started leading him out to the hallway by the IV stand.

“Wouldn’t you be proud if your little brother was finally happy after being worried about him for so long?” Logan’s heart lurched. He blinked hard, breathing harder to block the happy memories laced with pain. The smile he would never see again, the smile that would never cross his own lips again.

“Do we have to take the IV thing? Won’t it just weigh me down?”

“IV fluids are important for heroin detox patients. Don’t want you getting dehydrated, do we? And given all that nausea you’ve been having, I’m not sure if I trust your stomach.” Logan pursed his lips. He’d have to stop asking Patton questions about medicine if he wanted to keep himself from being proven wrong. “Besides, it’s not far. See? Right down the hall.

Patton opened the door to what looked to be a conference room with a long table and a bunch of swivel chairs. Dr. Picani stood up to greet them, waving the two of them in. Logan really couldn’t rule out the possibility that the two of them were long lost cousins or something. The other people in the room didn’t stand, they didn’t even look at him, for which he thanked whatever god there might be. He could stand anything but a room of Picanis. He took note of the head of vibrant blue and pink curls intently watching their phone, the Hispanic looking girl with the worry beads who was talking to Roman, the black guy squatting in the chair, perched like a bird instead of sitting properly-

Roman?

“Take a seat, Logan. Anywhere you like.” Logan nodded at Picani, eyes still locked on where Roman was talking to the Hispanic girl. He moved around the table to take a seat near the end, an empty chair separating him and the person with the vibrant curls. Logan tried not to look up when Roman caught sight of him. He kept his eyes glued to the cup of pens sitting on the table, trying to count the pens to keep his mind off his trembling body and Roman.

“I didn’t know you got Picani.” Logan just about jumped out of his skin when Roman showed up beside him, gracefully sliding into the swivel chair separating Logan and the others.

“What-”

“I could’ve come and gotten you. Here, I’ll introduce you-”

“Alright alright alright,” Picani started, taking a seat across from the rest of them. “Hello, everyone. Do you how do?”

“I’m alright, thanks.” Roman answered while the others muttered about “okay” or “fine.” Logan could only furrow his brow.

“Awesome. So, how about we start the way we usually do so our newcomers can get accustomed. Roman, let’s start with you, then we’ll go around and come back to our newest addition.” Roman leaned forward, elbows pressed into the table, grin spreading wide across his face like butter across a hot pan.

“My name’s Roman, as this lovely man just said, and I’m doing better than expected. Currently three weeks sober after that little lapse, and reality’s horribly boring, but I got the role of Prospero in my school’s production of The Tempest, so can’t complain about that.”

“That’s awesome! Props to you!” Picani grinned at Roman before turning to the next person, who introduced themself as Talyn. Logan didn’t quite hear what they said, as they were very quiet and he was still focused on Roman. As soon as Picani’s attention shifted away from him, Roman’s smile faded and he started nodding to himself, like he was reassuring himself that he’d said the right thing.

Looking back at the cup of pens, Logan wondered what exactly had happened to Roman to land him there. He’d said that he was only three weeks sober after some kind of lapse. What was he trying to get sober from? How bad had he gotten before trying to get sober? He’d said that he thought of reality as boring, and he’d muttered something about neither of them being built for reality when he thought Logan was asleep. Eyes flicking from the pens up to Roman and back again, Logan took in the boy he barely knew bit by bit. Hair tinted with faded red dye, a red ruby red t-shirt under a white bomber jacket, lips curled into a perpetual smile but amber eyes sunken, unable to mirror the smile because it wasn’t sincere. Logan could just make out the pattern of concealer under Roman’s eyes, covering up what had to be dark circles. This man certainly was an actor.

Logan didn’t realize he was staring until he had to tear his eyes away because of Roman looking to him. It wasn’t until a moment of silence after that he realized everybody in the room was looking at him.

“Logan, you okay?” Picani’s question shook Logan back into reality. He nodded just enough to be visible to the others. Taking a deep breath, Logan quickly figured out what he was supposed to say based on Roman’s introduction. That was the only one he’d been present enough to hear.

“Logan. Heroin. In detox for a day now.” The rest of them continued to look at him, forcing him to cross his shaking arms over his chest. “That’s all you’re getting.”

“How are you doing, though,” Picani pressed.

“I’ve been in detox for a day to get off heroin, how do you think I’m doing?” A small snort escaped Roman as he tried not to laugh at the comment.

“Okay, fair point. Maybe you could tell us a bit more about what brought you here?”

“This guy,” Logan pointed his thumb at Roman, “brought me here.”

“How so?”

“He carried me.” Roman pursed his lips, trying desperately to stifle the laughter brought on by Logan’s snark. Sighing, Picani decided to stop questioning Logan and turn to the others, resolving that going back and forth with a snark machine wasn’t going to be productive for anyone.

Logan spent the rest of the meeting watching the sky outside the window behind Picani. The orange turned to red, then purple before finally turning an inky indigo. The pink in the clouds faded with the color of the sky, finally turning grey when there was no more light to illuminate them, leaving them muted and almost blending into the sky. The only reason they didn’t completely fade was the sliver of moon smiling down from the sky like the Cheshire Cat. Logan searched the sky for stars from where he sat, but a combination of obstruction by the window and light pollution, he wasn’t going to be able to see any stars from there.

“I think that’s our time for today.” It was only here that Logan started listening to Picani again. “Let’s all try to remember this week, if every pork chop were perfect…”

“We wouldn’t have hotdogs.” The unison response of all the other patients combined with the sheer absurdity of the words made Logan’s face scrunch up again. Picani might be a psychiatrist, but Logan thought he might just need one, himself.

Standing with everybody else, Logan moved a little too quickly, causing his head to fill with fuzz and his legs to give way. He only just heard his hand land against the wood of the table and felt Roman grab his arm and around his waist to help steady him. Logan shook his head, blinking hard in an attempt to clear his sight of the swarm of colored dots.

“Woah, careful,” Roman warned, his voice muffled in Logan’s head. Once Logan found himself steady again, he looked up at Roman to nod an assurance that he was okay. Taking his arm back from Roman’s grip, Logan felt his fingerprints linger on his skin. The same thing that happened last time…

“I’m all right,” Logan assured, stepping away so Roman’s other hand fell from its place on his side.

“Want me to walk you back to your room,” Roman offered, walking alongside Logan, signaling that he wasn’t going to give him much of a choice. Logan might’ve protested if he wasn’t focused on the squeaky wheel on his IV stand that he had to wheel around next to him. Tucking his hands into his pockets, Roman started up talking again. “That was pretty funny back there. I mean, people don’t usually talk to doctors like that. They’re like an authority figure, you don’t usually talk back to ‘em.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve never really liked authority.” Logan’s comment coaxed another chuckle from deep in Roman’s chest.

“Still, you should give Dr.Picani a chance. He’s a little unorthodox, but he knows what he’s talking about.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Logan ended the line of conversation.

“You seemed kind of shocked to see me there,” Roman rerouted them.

“No offense, but you don’t seem like the type dealing with addiction or withdrawal.” Another chuckle. Logan was starting to think that Roman just really liked to laugh.

“Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot of practice in the field of convincing people I’m something I’m not. Mimicking body language to convey a certain message comes naturally now. In any case,” Roman opened the door for Logan when they got back to his room, “alcoholism is a lot easier to control and quit than heroin. You picked a doozy, my friend.”

“Yeah, well…” Logan trailed off, repositioning his IV next to the bed. “I guess I’ll see you next week, or whenever the next meeting is?”

“Oh, no,” Roman corrected, “you’re not getting off that easy. Virge and I are both gonna be coming in here to keep you company during visiting hours when we’re not in class or rehearsal or something. Gotta make sure you don’t take any steps backwards.”

“You don’t need to, I don’t want-”

“Too late.” Roman strolled across the room to put his arm around Logan’s shoulders. “Like it or not, you’ve got a support system, my friend. We’re not about to leave you to suffer alone. That’s not what friends do.” Logan could only blink at Roman’s smiling assurance. In his head, where there was usually a cacophony of voices and ideas and comments, now was only the Window’s error bump noise. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Lo. Try to get some sleep.”

Climbing into bed as the door clicked shut behind Roman, Logan knew he wasn’t going to get any sleep. Roman’s fingerprints still burned on his arm, the weight of his hand still pressing against his shoulder. The warmth of him being so close, the way he’d been so matter-of-fact about how he put himself and his friends with Logan as though they’d known each other for years instead of a day. Logan wasn’t quite sure if he was thrilled or terrified, if he wanted to laugh or cry. There was definitely something there - a feeling, an emotion tied to Roman and the way he talked and somehow managed to always get close enough to make contact with Logan where he’d kept people at a distance for so long. He just couldn’t put a name to what it was, or whether it was positive or negative.

Damned emotions, always confusing him more instead of helping.

@syndianites @lollingtothemax

#sanders sides #logan sanders #fanfic #fanfiction #roman sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #thomas sanders #writing #write #help #too many ideas #too much homework #not enough time #hope you enjoy #i'm sorry