#in like a PhD program if i decide to go that far
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Trailblazing
Credit: @theleomarspt2
“He looks so perfect” I thought to myself as I looked at him
Sebastian and I have become incredibly close over the time I started working in the chemistry department. I was just an undergrad trying to get some experience under my belt and maybe make some money on the side. Sebastian, on the other hand, was a pretty well-rounded PhD student. He was making a good living with his research and teaching, and was pretty well liked within the faculty. And yet, somehow, he decided to ask me out. Of all people that fawned over him this confident stud decided to ask me if I would be down to go on a hike with him.
“how you feelin’?” He asked, the sweat making his biceps glisten.
“Good…” I said, the puffing in my breath betraying and showing how out of shape I truly am.
“Haha wanna rest for a bit?”
I sighed, threw my bag on the ground and proceeded to simply drop onto the floor. After catching my breath and taking a swig of water I took a second to look at the scenery. It was gorgeous, we were not too far from a small stream with a very slow flow.
“Hey, you want to see something cool?” Sebastian asks.
“Sure” I answered. Sebestian’s face lights up with glee as he starts to move towards the stream. Reaching the stream he squats, the water grazing his cheeks. “Ready” he asks with a smile. “Yea……” before I could even finish the word an ear ringing sound exploded from Sebastian.
PPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHRRBBBBBBBTTTTTT
The once slowly moving stream began to fill with bubbles, Sebastian creating his own personal hot tub. Thou a bit away I could feel the vibration of his gas causing small pebbles and stones to jump around. I watched as the stream began to shrink slowly drying out with his minute long quake. The stream now nothing but a barren ditch, no water to be found.
“Did you see that? Impressive right?” Sebastian asked with a hearty smile. I stood up, amazed at what I had just witnessed. “Wow, I’ve never witnessed something like that.” I said. “How can such a hot guy rip ass that strong”, is all I thought to myself as I watch Sebastian flex in the dried stream. He takes a step out raises a leg and let’s rip another loud but shorter fart.
FFFFFFFRRRRRRPPTTT
“Sorry when the gate opens it’s hard to close.”
“Seb how is that possible?”
The proud smirk morphed into a puzzled face at first, but his confidence came back as he smiled.
“You got a superhuman boyfriend, promise I will keep you safe though” He said, with the charming deep voice I was so in love with.
We continued to walk for about 20 minutes, talking about the chemistry department and what each of us were doing in our program. As we walked, Sebastian was ripping burps and farts throughout but seemingly holding back. I am not sure if I should be thankful or not. On the one hand I am in love with how manly he is, his huge biceps, his dark beard, to have a man capable of such destruction was quite a dream when I think about it. And yet, in reality, it was intimidating to think that one fart from him was capable of dying up a creek. Would we be able to share a living space? What if one night he farted strongly enough it shattered the windows? What if nightly the bedsheets flew away from his farts? I guess I was lost in my thoughts and wandered ahead a little bit.
Fffffffffffffaaaaaaaauuuuuuurrrrrppppppppptttttttttt
A loud fart took me out of my trance. I turned to see Sebastian bending over few feet behind me. Though the I turned around within the first few seconds of the fart, Sebastian seemed to want to make it a point how strong he was as he let the fart rip for a little over forty seconds. As the fart went on the leaves behind him were blown, and the pungent smell, something akin to spoiled beans, seemed to envelope us, some birds even beginning to fly away to escape.
“Now don’t go leaving me behind again” He warned with a sweet smile, as he trotted to catch up to me.
He took my hand and said “Hey, I have a little surprise for you. There’s a clearing a bit off the path ahead, we are so close let’s go”.
We walked over about two hundred feet till we reached the clearing. He let go of my hand, threw his backpack on the ground and kneeled. He took a picnic blanket out of his backpack, a couple of beers and he sat down with his muscular legs extended.
“Come on” he said “the ground is comfy I promise”
I followed his lead and laid next to him, he passed me a beer. We started drinking and talking, he would start burping after every swing too, and I think he noticed how excited it got me cause they only started getting louder.
“So…. what’s the surprise?” I asked
“Two in one deal actually” And saying that, he raised his knee to his chest and winked.
PPBBBBPBRRRRBBBTT
“For one I wanna give you a little test you see” He said as his fart made the blanket flutter and the ground shake enough for me to feel it. He proceeds to lead to his left, his round ass facing me now.
BBRPBPBRRBAAPPRTT
“You see you caught my eye since I first saw you walk into the chem department” His fart was strong enough to push back my hair. The smell hit me instantly and I started coughing.
PPPBBPBPBPPB
“I mean look at you pretty boy, you got an angelic face and a cute slender body” Though shorter, this fart packed a punch, enough that it pushed me back a bit. I could also see a cloud of dust and leaves forming as the winds kicked them off the ground. I ended up lying face up, eyes closed at first, but when I opened them I saw Sebastian standing over me. He squats, crotch to bring his face close to mine, a grin drawing across his face.
PPMPMPRRTT
“And I know you like me too, have watched how you watch me” He said flexing. It felt as though I was laying right next to a radiator. “But pretty boys like you can’t handle dating a human with superfarts” He said “You though, you are holding just fine”.
FFPBRRHHTT
He let out one last fart before he stood back up and extended a hand out to me. Coughing, I took it and proceeded to stand up with shaking legs.
“Well you passed your surprise test, and with extra credit too” Said Sebastian as he pointed to my crotch, which betrayed me as it showed my excitement. “So it’s time for your second surprise”. He grabbed my hands into his and looked me in the eyes.
“Know you know what my farts can do….. You still want to go out with me?”
I took a deep breath, his still lingering gas burning my lungs. Through the coughing fit and red eyes I gave my answer.
“Yes. Your volume of gas will take some getting used to but why would I ever give up this opportunity.”
Sebastian brimming with joy, says on thing, “to commemorate this occasion I’ll show you something extra special.” He takes a few steps away and lays on his stomach arching his back, his butt aiming towards to sky.
“I don’t want any clouds, ruining our first pic together.” And with that the loudest and strongest fart I ever experienced erupted out of Sebastian. The trees closest to us bend either their leaves getting ripped off the branches blown in his foul winds. Animals the vacuity scattering from fear of being enveloped by the stink cloud. A force so strong that trees a mile sway from his winds. I look up to see the few clouds in the sky swirly break apart and dissipate into the atmosphere.
Sebastian gets up with a sigh of relief, “ahh, okay let’s take a picture.”
I walk towards him my eyes beginning watering, I steel myself accepting that this is going to be my life from now on. A smile forming on my face. I reach Sebastian and hug him taking a picture in-front of the clear sky.
“I couldn’t be happier”
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one: description & objectives
flight path
summary: "It’s then that it occurs to you that he might be doing a sort of calculus that means that even though you might win this battle, you’re going to lose the war."
rating: teen+ (eventually explicit, 18+ mdni)
pairing: jake 'hangman' seresin x f!reader
word count: ~3.3k
warnings: enemies to lovers!, college au!, eventual smut, hangman being hangman, no use of y/n.
notes: dedicated to @waklman this ones for u bestie. i have the rest of the fic planned, just gotta write :) pls pls pls let me know what you think! masterlist here
tagging: @roosterbruiser @gretagerwigsmuse @joaquinwhorres @sometimesanalice @seresinsweetie @bobfloyds @theharddeck @sebsxphia @jupitercomet @dempy @gigisimsonmars @sunsetsimpsblog @shanimallina87 @djs8891
“Your project partners are as listed in the PowerPoint, please do not come crying to me about who you’ve been selected to work with, I will not be changing it. Your project ideas are due two weeks from today.” You can feel the dread filling your body as you scan the list of names on the slide in front of you.
The further along you get, the sicker you feel. Each person you know who could at least be somewhat trusted to pull their weight, is partnered. Anyone who’s even slightly normal, is also partnered. And not with you.
The room fills with chatter as people stand to leave class and seek out their project partners, but all you can do is sit and stare at the name next to yours. Lifting your head to scan the lecture hall, you watch in abject horror as Jake Seresin, toothpick ever present between his perfect teeth, lifts a hand ever so slightly and wiggles his fingers at you.
You turn to the TA who always sits next to you, and put on your most flattering smile in hopes of a miracle, “Grace, I know Professor Simmons just said we couldn’t, but is there any chance—”
She laughs lightly, cutting you off, “Sorry kid, nothing we can do. Strict orders. But it shouldn’t be so bad, Jake’s second in the class y’know. I’m sure you two will come out on top.”
Gritting your teeth together, you barely manage to keep yourself from explaining to her that that’s precisely the problem.
You and Jake had met in freshman year intro to mechanical engineering—ENGR-M 101 to be exact. It was a larger lecture hall, but you’d ended up sitting next to the boy and his group of frat brothers. They were joking around, calling each other ridiculous nicknames, and you hoped you’d be able to avoid them throughout the rest of your time.
You were an unassuming kid when you started college, far away from friends and family, and really only focused on becoming the top of your class so you could get into the best PhD programs possible. If MIT and Stanford weren’t an option for undergrad, they’d certainly take you with a perfect GPA and stellar recommendations. Becoming the best aerospace engineer, the best engineer overall, in your class wasn’t just a goal, it was your destiny. You realized that focusing so hard on academics really meant that, well, social life would be lacking. But besides, the STEM dudes were usually an odd bunch—you briefly considered joining some sort of campus club before the options overwhelmed you and you decided to try and volunteer in a research lab. It could be turned into a paid position. And, grad students could be your friends.
But in that moment, you met your nemesis. Really, it felt childish to say it like that, but Jake Seresin seemed to derive a special sense of pleasure from tormenting you.
He’d introduced himself on that bright August morning with a winning smile, an extended hand, and a gentle Texan twang, “Jake Seresin. Nice to meet ‘ya.”
You shook his hand firmly, remembering the importance of men taking you seriously, and responded with your name.
His response made clear exactly what his personality was, “Think you’ll survive the weed out? I’ve heard this professor’s a real hard ass, and I’m planning to be top of our class.”
“He’s perfectly reasonable in the lab; and I’m sure he will be here too.” You had sniffed, not exactly trying to sound haughty but not trying to be subtle about the fact that you’d already gotten a head start on the resume work already.
The smile that spread across his lips was poisonous, as if he’d figured you out just in that instance, “I see my competition has my work cut out for me.”
And with that, he turned back to his friends, ignoring the way your face seemed to warm a thousand degrees. You weren’t his competition, you were sure you were leagues ahead of him. The stereotypes about hot-headed, ignorant, frat boys traveled, and you weren’t a fool.
That light tension in your initial interaction had, frankly, spiraled into something drastically out of proportion and lightly legendary. Every class you had with him, you fought for who was going to set the curve, whose in-class answers were better. And at some point, the details of the first interaction faded and were replaced simply by how he had made you feel: like a bug under a microscope, but also like he was pulling your pigtails and taunting you.
So that was the beginning of a long saga in which you now find yourself facing the cruel reality of an entire semester where your grade depends on the very person whose entire life mission seems to be to take you down a peg. Which, frankly, you consider to be ironic because if there is anyone with an ego the size of the planet, that is Jake.
You keep your eyes trained to the front of the room as you shut your laptop and slowly begin packing up. You can’t really afford to avoid him, because this professor’s whole schtick is ensuring that all engineering students aren't terrified of social interaction. Hence, a semester-long project of ‘intimate’ work with a peer.
It would be fine, except Jake isn’t moving either. He continues to sit and chat with his friends (somehow also engineering majors and frat bros?) while occasionally glancing up at you to see if you’ve moved. His smirk never wavers.
You steel your nerves, and decide that this won’t be the time he gets to you. You have to work with him? Fine. But you’ll take the lead, make sure it’s on your terms. No military themed projects, that’s for sure.
“Well look who it is, part two of the dream team.” Jake’s voice carries through the emptying lecture hall and you distantly hear some snickers, but his face remains almost impassive.
You can read the mocking undertone, you aren’t stupid. So you stand slightly awkwardly off to the side as his friends disperse slowly around the two of you. The only friend of his that you know by name, much less respect, Bradley Bradshaw, sends him a warning look and says hi softly as he passes you. Despite the fact that Jake’s standing in a lower row, he’s still slightly taller than you when he stands to his full height, backpack over one shoulder.
“Jake.” You grit out, trying to mask your displeasure. You’re sure it isn’t working.
“Sweets, it is a joy to see you.” His easygoing smile does nothing to make you feel at ease, in fact, you think it might be giving you high blood pressure.
“I will choose to ignore the fact that you seem to not know my name, and ask that we meet as soon as possible to start on this.” You cross your arms and turn around to start up the stairs, and you hear him hit himself on a desk in his rush to catch up to you. Serves him right.
He seems only slightly deterred by the fact that he just did the adult equivalent of smacking your shin with a scooter, and he keeps his stride even with yours. It’s your luck that you two actually have your next class together as well, something about senior requirements.
“You’re being unusually nice to me. Scared that your grade’s on the line?” He teases, only slightly distracted by his phone which he’s typing furiously into.
You round on him, and he grinds to a halt while you brandish your metal water bottle at him, “I take my grades very seriously, Jake Seresin, and I will not have you goofing around and sabotaging us just because you find glee in my suffering.”
Very cautiously, like he’s actually afraid you might hit him, he grabs the bottom of your water bottle and lowers it so it isn’t at his eye level. Then, he has the audacity to salute you. Not a corny one, but one that looks like he’s spent hours practicing it in the mirror when he’s doing his military nonsense. At the very least, he doesn’t snap his feet together, so he manages to save himself from looking like the world’s biggest dork.
“I pinky promise that I will not sabotage our project because I find it funny. I do also care about my grades y'know.” You exhale just slightly, and you turn back around to start walking again.
“Good to know you at least take something seriously,” You mutter under your breath, recalling all the times he’s breezed into lecture rooms right as the second hand indicates it’s the start of class.
He manages to catch your muttering, despite your best efforts, “I’m basically first in every engineering class we have, you cannot actually be questioning my academic prowess.”
Something curls in your chest, as you snap back, “Basically first?”
His laugh carries as you two finally exit the building and march through the quad. You can feel everyone’s eyes on you. It isn’t an exaggeration to say that despite the size of your university, people know about your rivalry.
When you get to your next lecture, Jake plops himself down right next to you, trapping you in the aisle unless you take the long way out. You bristle at the proximity and glare at him, trying to mentally will him into leaving you alone. He seems not to get the message as he fully unpacks and manages to irk you even further by using the shared arm rest.
You almost completely lose your mind when you finally decide to change seats despite the one next to Jake being your unofficial-official seat, and your professor chooses that exact moment to start class.
Ignoring Jake through the lecture isn’t actually the hardest thing in the world. He wasn’t lying when he said that he took classes seriously–you notice that he takes diligent notes, keeps his online shopping and texting to minimum (that’s nothing to say for his frat brothers who seem to be intent on keeping their groupchat on fire), and doesn’t bother you. He keeps his elbow on the arm rest between you two, though.
When there’s only a few minutes left and the professor notices that he’s losing everyone, you feel a poke. You ignore it and grit your teeth as you attempt to maintain your composure. Jake pokes you again.
It takes all of your mental strength not to straight up just yell at him in the middle of a lecture hall, and you turn your head slowly to make eye contact with him. He’s wearing a shit-eating grin and it makes you even more annoyed.
“Can I help you?” You whisper quietly, “I’m trying to focus here.”
Jake just keeps smiling and responds, “Library after this? We can have lunch.”
Then he has the audacity to wiggle his eyebrows in a way that makes you raise yours at him. He seriously bothered you for this? The same man who insisted he would take the project seriously is trying to distract you from paying attention in one of your most difficult lectures.
In an instant, you remember that pissing him off completely probably isn’t the brightest idea, and even though you can already tell you’re going to spend most of this semester completely and constantly ticked off with him, you know you’re capable and you don’t want to have him drag you down completely. So, instead, you nod somberly at him, and turn back to the front.
He seems surprised by your reaction but doesn’t push it, thankfully.
Once the professor dismisses everyone, Jake once again takes his time putting everything on his desk away and finally standing to leave. You think you could’ve done a hundred physics problems before you two are leaving the lecture hall. Nearly everyone else has already left, and you just find that to be another reason to be irritated with him. This semester is going to be a million years long.
-
“Oh please, Jake, spare me the hyper nationalist histrionics.” You think this might be the fourth time you’ve rolled your eyes in the last two minutes as you and Jake argue about your project topic.
The two of you have claimed a table in the far corner of the second floor and spread textbooks, notebooks, and various supplies over it. Thankfully, there aren’t that many witnesses to the absolute hurricane of materials and the arguing that’s been varying in pitch for the countless minutes since you got here. You’re considering strangling him.
(Yes, you had argued about where to sit. You insisted on a study room on the fourth floor where it was quiet and you usually studied. Jake had won out only because of the fact that the fourth floor was a silent floor and “we’re probably going to yell at each other and I really don’t feel like getting on the librarians’ bad sides this early into the semester.” Five minutes after he said that, you’d raised your voice loud enough to make several people turn their heads– “Urban sustainability shows our versatility as engineers, asshole!”)
You only have two weeks to decide, and even that’s a stretch. These deadlines are fake in your mind–topic should be decided within three days to ensure maximum time for research, analysis, and polishing of the final product. You’d perfected your timeline second semester of freshman year and you were not about to deviate because Jake couldn’t understand that not everyone had their head so far up the Navy’s ass all they could see was its intestines.
So far, the only ‘work’ you and Jake have managed to get done is to argue about the ethics of the military industrial complex as well as, in his words, why you are not in fact a hippie just because you don’t approve of a bloated military budget. (“How much does one pilot’s helmet cost?”) Lunch is abandoned in front of you, a few containers of the sort-of-decent cafeteria food from the basement.
Jake seems determined to ensure the two of you spend the next sixteen weeks turning yourselves into cadets, or whatever the hell they’re called, and you could not care less. In fact, you absolutely cannot care less because you are not going to do research on the military and a deep dive into urban sustainability projects is the only option. Navy or Army or whoever be damned. You’ve already told him as much at least three times.
“You just said the word histrionics. Who even says that.”
At the very least, you can take comfort in the fact that he looks just as annoyed as you probably do. His usually unshakeable, smiley demeanor is gone, replaced by a look on his face that says he’s probably regretting being so cheerful about calling the two of you a “dream team”. He leans back in his chair so he’s only on the back two legs and you bite your tongue at the urge to chastise him for the extremely juvenile behavior. Someone’s mother clearly never terrified them at age five about putting their head through the windows behind the kitchen table.
“I say that, Jake, because I’m an adult with an adult vocabulary. And as an adult, as the adult, I’m deciding that we’re not doing some stupid shit about the Navy.” He narrows his eyes at you and you can see the gears turning.
“Okay, well, I’m also an adult and I don’t say histrionics.” It’s a weak comeback and you both know it, but he seems more preoccupied by whatever plan he seems to be thinking through.
It’s then that it occurs to you that he might be doing a sort of calculus that means that even though you might win this battle, you’re going to lose the war. You open your mouth to start arguing again, but this time about the project topic, when he holds up a palm to stop you. Now you’re not just considering throttling him, but wondering how aggravated assault can be explained away on graduate school applications.
“Okay, how about we compromise. We can do our project on fuel efficiency of a few types of Navy aircraft. That way I get to do the military and we can talk about the environment. It’s not exactly urban planning but,” He waves his hand around, gesturing wildly, “It’s some sort of planning.”
For a moment, you think he actually might be trying to compromise. But instead, you narrow your eyes. Jake Seresin isn’t nice, least of all to you. And he certainly doesn’t believe in compromises.
You stand firm, “I am not doing any project that involves the Navy. Or the Army.”
“National Guard?”
You almost leap across the table at the laughter that shakes his entire body. Instead, you sit and you seethe, considering how much clout you have in the department to get someone to convince your professor to let you switch partners. Or help you get away with murder.
Once he stops laughing, he settles easily back into his chair and then folds his hands together so he can rest his chin on them, a serious expression coming over his face, “How about a deal, sweets?”
Sirens immediately start going off in your head. Bad, bad, bad. You are not making a deal with the devil. But, some part of you is curious, what will he ask from you to let you take the lead on this?
“Go on.” You narrow your eyes at him, and gesture for him to continue.
“You have to come to at least five parties this semester at my invite, and stay for at least three hours, I’ll know if you don’t, and we will do the project the way you want it. I ask for three thousand words to talk about the military, give or take.” The twinkle in his eyes is mischievous in the worst way and it sets you on edge.
“What’s the catch?”
“What do you mean what’s the catch? An offer’s an offer, sweets.” He holds a hand out for you to shake but you shake your head at him.
“I wanna negotiate.” Jake raises an eyebrow at you (does he do his eyebrows?), but gestures for you to continue anyways, “I will come to exactly four of your stupid parties, and stay for two hours, no more. We do the project my way and you get two thousand words.”
You can tell he wants to say yes when he sits up in his chair, but then you realize that he’s getting too good of a deal so you cut him off, “Actually, no military or flight deviations. I hate parties.” You wrinkle your nose in displeasure.
“Zero is a hell of a lot smaller than three thousand, sweets.” A crooked grin spreads over Jake’s face and you make a mocking face at him. “And I know, but it’ll be good for you. Socializing with normal humans is good for the soul.”
“Okay well, our page limit is thirty, and that’s 7,500 words double spaced. Not including diagrams and footnotes, so I don’t want you eating up all my research space with military crap,” Jake scoffs when you say “my” but holds out his hand anyway.
“Fine. Four parties, two hours, project your way, one thousand words?” He wiggles the fingers of his outstretched hand like he had earlier in the day and you stare at it for a moment before deciding, what the hell.
Shaking Jake’s hand makes you realize that’s the first time you’ve ever touched him.
#jake seresin x you#jake hangman seresin x reader#jake seresin fic#jake seresin#jake seresin x reader#top gun: maverick fanfic#top gun: maverick fanfiction#top gun: maverick fic#top gun: maverick#jake 'hangman' seresin#hangman x you#hangman x reader#no use of y/n#flight path universe
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How did you decide what to study for your grad school? How did you know going back was right for you? I’m struggling deciding if going back is right for me…
I got a job working in a small museum by chance when I went back to finish my undergrad degree and realized i Fucking Loved It and wanted to do that kinda work long-term! and by that point 1) i was too far in my undergrad degree to change majors for like the THIRD TIME (not to mention the school didn't have a proper museum major regardless, just like one or two museum classes) and 2) even if I had a lot of higher-level museum positions want you to have a master's or PhD. so it was kind of a matter of "I'll need to do this eventually", and eventually I hit a point where the stars aligned and I had both an opportunity, the desire, and a feasible plan to make it work financially and logistically. a lot of it was sitting with my feelings and cooking on them - I remember distinctly I had a moment where I went to a recruitment event at my current school that had like a sample lecture you could attend, and sitting in the lecture hall with my notebook felt so right I knew I had to at least try to pursue it
ultimately you're the only person who can really know your own situation and your own feelings! give yourself the time and the space to be honest yet realistic. Is there something you feel really passionately about studying? Is there a specific school you're looking at? Can you make it work financially and/or logistically (moving, commuting, etc) without making yourself more miserable than it's worth? do you have a support system of some kind in place to make it more feasible, whether it's friends who will help you study or family that will bring you meals when you're on a deadline or a spouse/partner who will take on extra housework to ease your burden or whatever else? see if you can shadow a class to see how it is! talk to other people in the career path or program if you can find them!
#anonymous puzzler answers#i'm aware it's a bit of a nothing answer but unfortunately it does come down to 'how do you feel? what do you want? what's your situation?'#i thought long and hard about it and was in a situation where it was the Most Right Thing for me to do despite the risks and struggles#that will not be the case for everyone#and every program is different! even the same subject at different institutions!#don't be afraid to look around and ask a lot of questions. let yourself gather information and cook on it#maybe the answer will be 'yes definitely no matter the risk' or maybe it'll be 'definitely but not right now'#maybe it'll be 'maybe but definitely not here' maybe it'll be 'actually no never' maybe it'll be 'maybe but only if something major changes#you're the only one who can know for sure because you're You and i'm Me and that's just how it is to be alive
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What is the school giving you money for and how do we go about getting this money as well (if you don’t mind sharing?) I’m a poor college student as well, thank you
hi, thanks for the question, and i don’t mind sharing. in this current case, two public research universities have offered me financial packages to fund me for work toward a PhD: both institutions are offering me full funding of tuition and other school fees as well as employment as a researcher or a teaching assistant, but the total amounts are different. one of them (my current institution) also gave me a yearly scholarship four years ago to partially fund my work toward the bachelor’s degree i’m getting in a few months; this partial funding was based on my performance in high school. i was considered automatically when i applied back in 2019. i also received a smaller, one-time scholarship during my bachelor’s because i’m doing research as part of the honors program.
in terms of advice for getting money like this, i don’t know from where you’re speaking, so this is very USA-centric. also, it’s hard for me to sum it up, if anything because i never expected i’d get any of this. i will say that all the money i’ve gotten for my higher ed has come directly from the universities themselves without me specifically applying for it. honestly, i think if i tried harder to apply to scholarships offered (btw, check if your school has a page on its website about scholarships—some illustrious alumni of the school could have set up programs to issue scholarships to qualifying students) i might have gotten more.
in general, if i had to give advice as to how to get money for education in a situation where you know you don’t have the same head start as some of your peers? i think being able to express yourself well in writing is one of the most important things you can do. for example, was the science department in my high school as well funded as some of my peers’ were? no. but i was able to write about the little experience that i had, and turn it into something that made me stand out. something that i used a lot in applying for university was the way that having to teach myself the core tenets of my field through self-guided research and unsupervised experiments gave me a passion for the field i wanted to study, and resilience in the face of frustration. i genuinely think that being able to write well has been the single most important factor in all the financial aid i’ve received over the past 4 and next 5 years of higher education: i’m not a genius, i have never had perfect grades, and i am certainly not the smartest person in the room. but i know how to write well! i can communicate my ideas clearly! not even just academic writing, strictly, although that’s important and i think doing well in that has also gotten me far in terms of receiving funding. a lot of application-style writing (in the usa, especially) takes on a very narrative form. so being able to express yourself well in writing in different registers and for different audiences definitely makes someone stand out.
as saccharine as it sounds, over the past few years, i’ve just done what i love and am passionate about, and written about it a bit. and apparently, people have decided that that’s worth putting money toward. again, this was kind of hard to sum up, so i apologize if it’s not the most helpful; my asks and DMs are open if you have any other questions.
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I love your ‘Uno Reverse’ series! Photographs are a such a scarce but important resource for a dress historian, and this series really puts things into perspective. Thanks for doing this work!
Do you have any advice for someone like me who wants to become a dress conservator/historian? I’m a tailor’s apprentice but I’m having a lot of trouble deciding how to continue my education.
Glad you're enjoying it :)
Oooh, big question. Prepare for a lot of words:
Dress history is a weird field to get into. If you want to be a historian, unless you're independently wealthy and can just spend all your time researching and writing, the usual professions are curatorship and professorship. There aren't a lot of either position available - many settle for historical societies, small colleges, etc - and neither make much in the way of money. Definitely consider your options very thoroughly! (Though if you're a tailor's apprentice you probably already know that, lol.)
Conservation is - from my POV - a better choice in the long run, because while institutions can stop hiring people to teach or do research, any place with a collection has to keep conserving it. Conservators also make more money, no question.
I went to a program that specialized generalized in both (FIT). Like you, I was unsure of what I wanted, and the flexibility was attractive. Other programs tend to specialize in one or the other, and now that I've been through FIT's program, I understand exactly why. There was no way to give us both curricula in their entirety in the two years we had, and I ended up feeling like I barely learned anything. However, I was coming from having completed a long conservation internship; I had studied up pretty thoroughly on fashion history before I attended the program at all; and I had already been through a separate MA previously, so I already had research and writing skills on a higher level than FIT even cares about. Given that caveat.. if I were to go back in time with this info, I would attend a different program that specialized in one or the other and therefore provided more comprehensive skills.
If you're interested in conservation, my biggest piece of advice would be to do an internship, preferably with a firm that specializes in it or at a big museum with a dedicated department. That will give you experience and familiarity like nothing else and also help you to understand whether it's the right field for you. But internships like that can be pretty competitive, so the second best option is to volunteer at a local historical society or house museum. Almost all of them are constantly on the lookout for volunteers, especially ones interested in preservation and the more scientific side of collections management. You won't be paid, unfortunately, but the upside is that almost any small institution will happily take helpers because they're desperate and cash-strapped. Reading through online publications like the National Park Service's Conserve-O-Gram is a great way to start building knowledge if nobody there is equipped to give it to you. (Every institution I've worked at has had a copy on hand for reference, lol.)
I volunteered for a small house museum years back and literally on day one they threw me at the clothing collection and told me to dress mannequins and pack textiles. I had very little idea what I was doing, but it was a great learning experience - and one that you're never going to get at a museum internship because they're so much more careful about their objects and access. (Pros and cons, but hey.)
+ As far as I know, you will need an MA to be hired to most conservation positions, but there's no reason you can't get started in the field without it first and make sure that's the degree you want/need. In terms of curatorship/professorship, an MA will get you into small local colleges but for anything larger you'll need a PhD, and that's a big commitment. You have to really like academia to get one of those suckers! As far as I'm aware, there are no stipended MA programs and only one PhD program (Bard) in this specific field that pays, so again, you have to be fiscally comfortable (or willing to go into debt and work two jobs) to get an advanced degree in the subject. It's a vicious cycle that keeps a lot of people out, and institutions can afford to keep it up because it's so competitive. +
All that said, historic sewing is a fantastic way to get into the field because knowledge of construction and technique gives you an excellent understanding of historic dress, and hand sewing techniques are essential for conservation. You're already on the right track!
If you want any book recs, off of the top of my head Refashioning and Redress and The Care and Display of Historic Clothing are two great, readable volumes.
Let me know if you have any other questions, but hopefully this helps!
#fashion history#dress history#textile conservation#advice#My second choice for MA was glasgow FYI#and in retrospect i think i would have liked it way more#but i haven't been so i can't say for sure!#i also know people who've attended UNL and i know Georgia has a program#California also has some more science-heavy conservation programs#i am technically trained as both a conservator and historian but god save you if you actually want me to conserve anything#the stories i can tell about FIT........#masters trauma#i say this jokingly but it's real#my other MA meanwhile was great#not all academia traumatizes alike#:)
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i wanted to ask how you just stayed mentally strong after getting through your first round of med school rejections... i haven't gotten an interview from anywhere and it feels as if i'm just behind on the person i wanted to be and i feel a bit lost now... i just wanted some advice since i do feel sad about it all unfortunately :(
Hey, there! I'm really sorry to hear that, I know it's a really tough time to go through. I honestly don't think there was any part of medical school that's been as rough as the application cycle, and it's very understandable to feel sad and rejected.
A lot of it came to my dad's particular brand of supportiveness, which I personally found very reassuring, so I will pass on what he told me and hope that it may offer you some comfort as well:
This is not the end of the world, and there is nothing wrong with trying again. We grow up in this grade school - college - graduate school system where it feels like we have to be doing everything on a specific timeline, and if we don't, we're failures. This is very much not the case with medical school: it is standard and expected to take gap years between college and medical school, only 40% of people who apply to medical school any given cycle are accepted anywhere, and depending on where you get your statistics, anywhere from 1/3-1/2 of current medical students have applied multiple cycles. There's a guy in my class who was 41 years old when he was accepted. You have time, you can try again, and you are not behind because you are not participating in a process in which there are the same standards of "being behind" as you've been experiencing during high school and college.
What you need to do is give yourself some time to work through your feelings with your support system, and then, when you feel like you can, sit down and take a good look at your application to see what there is that can be made more competitive. Is it your grades? I was applying to post-baccs at the same time as my second cycle. Is it your MCAT? I took mine three times before I figured out how to actually study for it properly, and my second score was worse than my first. Is it your extracirriculars? Your shadowing hours? Your essay?
There is no rush, and this is one of those things where putting together a careful plan and following through on it will serve you much better than (like I did, HAH) freaking out, deciding that maybe you should just get a Master's or a PhD instead, and calling up the local state university's biochemistry department in a weird panic to get a sponsor for their graduate school program. (Thank you for talking me down, oh father mine. I don't know how I managed to get that far in like six hours.)
I am a planner at heart, and having these kinds of reassurances and plans in place helped me a lot with feeling like everything was under control. It was also really great to be supported by my family: I'm often so hard on myself that I expected them to be disappointed in me, because my dad especially is very much the, "Oh, a B? Hm... could be better..." type of immigrant parent, but both of my parents were actually incredibly supportive. Lean on your support systems, whatever they may be!
I hope this helped a little bit, anon, and I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors! <3 There is always a way forward! Just because it's not the same one another person took does not make it inferior!
#ask#personal#medical school#anonymous#also: a little surprised people remember whenever it was that i said it took me more than one app cycle!#not in a bad way haha I'm just graduating med school in may so I was like 'hm it's been a while! wild!'
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Hi!!! So, this is going to be a weird (and probably invasive) question to ask a stranger on the internet but. um.
So I saw your add-on to the post about historical remedies and such and it FASCINATED me. The cross between historical and scientific study was just... so cool!
And I'm in High school, right now, and I'm still trying to decide what I want to major in. So I wanted to ask--
What major did you write that thesis for? How did you get into that major (like, what kind of credits/ background/grades did you need to get accepted)?
And-- this one you don't have to answer at all, bc I don't want to pressure you into doxxing yourself or anything, but-- What college/colleges did you go to/ consider going to that had good programs for said major? (I live in America, if that helps?)
Sorry for the random (and a lil' aggressive) questioning on major details of your life is uncalled for-- which it probably is. I just!!! Your research was really cool and it felt like something I'd want to consider pursuing!!!
TY for your time <3
No worries! None of those questions are what I would consider really invasive, and I don't mind talking about the basics.
That thesis was one that I wrote for my Master's degree. My major in undergrad was history—no specific area of history because it wasn't an option at my school—just history. While there were some classes I was required to take, whenever I was able to choose my own classes, I took classes that dealt with medieval history, which was something that interested me. Most of my large writing projects in undergrad I wrote on medieval topics. My uni didn't even have that many of those classes, but I basically found ways to work those subjects into my work anyway lol. In topics as broad as history, you have to carve out your own space.
I graduated with good grades and went straight into graduate school. I'm not sure I would recommend going straight into grad school after undergrad, but I knew myself and knew that if I didn't do it right away, I would not go back.
At the graduate level, no matter where you go, if you study history you will pick an area/region of history to study in depth. I chose medieval history, and within that carved out an unofficial specialization on early medieval British history. My advisor wasn't even an expert in that topic, but she was supportive, and connected me with other academics who knew more about it. I was a bit of an oddity in the department because I was one of the few students who was getting only a masters degree, rather than going for a PhD. The only reason I did this was because I was also studying for another degree which was more relevant for my desired career path; I chose to study history as in addition for the broadened experience and also because it really interested me.
Now, I know you're in high school still and this kind of decision is a long ways off, but for the sake of my on conscience I am going to pause here to say that you should not get a masters in history unless you are either going on for a PhD and are committed to a career in academia, or if you have another solid career path open to you (like having another degree or other experience). Studying history can give you a lot of great skills and experience and insight that will make you compatible for a lot of jobs, however, if you already have a bachelors, a masters degree in something like history will generally not increase your marketability, and can be very expensive. Alright, you didn't ask for career advice, but I couldn't not say it.
But yeah! As far as prerequisites and such, it's a fairly straightforward matter of keeping up your grades, which may sound kinda lame. The harder and more vital part of pursuing the research you want is to define your goals, communicate those with your professors, and foster relationships with professors who can help connect you with opportunities to present your research and meet others in the field. If you have the chance to present at an undergrad conference, do it. If your professor has office hours, talk to them not only about the current assignments, but about the kinds of things you're interested in. By the time you're a senior in college, having positive relationships with one or more professors will help you find connections beyond college.
This has turned into career advice, I'm sorry if that's not what you were after! I hope that helps.
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i considered doing my second bachelor's but 4 years felt like too much. i might do 2 phds tho...
...congratulations, anon. You are possibly the only other person as (potentially) crazy as I am. 😂
If, and I repeat IF, I did end up completely losing my goddamn mind and deciding to do another one, it wouldn't start until at least a year from now, it would have to make financial sense/not be a backslide in terms of income (because I have lived as a turbo-broke grad student before and I am NOT doing that part again) and it would have to usefully enhance my career, i.e. by tying my medieval and modern history + politics work together. I do know what I would do a dissertation about: the Russian/Ukrainian war and how Western responses to it are often functionally identical on the far left and far right, and how this is because of the history of American/Soviet-Russian relations and its implications for global geopolitics. Which is something I already know a fair bit about and have done a lot of work on, so yeah, there would be that.
Likewise, I am an academic and enjoy the process of going to class, reading, writing, and talking about things. If I had a chance to do that and NOT have to pay for it (which is obviously the most important), then yes, I am tempted. Completing a second doctorate at a top-ranked program with tons of connections (we are hosting the US ambassador to the UN today, so...) would give me new career opportunities that have until now not arisen with my first history PhD, so it would not just totally be an exercise in academic mania. But once again, it is a huge commitment and would be insane by anyone’s measure, so it is something to consider carefully for a while.
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im sorry, you are 22 and were already a phd candidate??
LOL this got long sorry!!! u get my evil academic origin story anon congrats
yeah! i wanted to be a professor for a while (like, most of high school, and then my freshman year of college i became disillusioned abt my original field choice but by junior year i had stumbled into a new field i was passionate abt and decided teaching was the dream again) so in my senior year of college i applied to a bunch of cs phd programs
idk how other fields/countries work but basically like if you apply and you dont have a masters already it just takes longer (5 years on average instead of ~4 or something)! and a lot of the programs i applied to preferred that you didnt have a masters already. so it's less impressive maybe than it sounds on paper?
i also wanna say i was one of three ppl from my friend group going straight into phds after graduating (not even counting my med school hopeful friends. or regular masters friends) so i also feel like it's not that uncommon?? maybe covid made it more common. i also went to a like ~high end~ research uni full of nerds. and was in with the nerd athletes (distance runners) so im like biased
i spent the fall semester of senior year applying to grad school, and the spring semester getting my heart broken by grad school decisions LOL
i got into one program but it was literally like. top 5 in the country for what i wanted to do. so i accepted, bc i made my undergrad decision based on prestige and that worked out like absurdly well for me lol. and then i had a mental breakdown the weekend of graduation and realized i didnt want to grind out a phd in a field that doesnt treat ppl like me (queer women w learning disabilities from lower class backgrounds... lmfao....) kindly for like no money in the middle of nowhere far from anyone i know + love when i could (in theory) get a well-paying job (or at least more survivable than 30k/year) and find satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment from things like. spending time with my friends. traveling. having money for my hobbies. etc etc.
so i dropped out like right on the deadline for signing up for classes/seminar/research groups. and then they kept me on the email list anyways so i was tormented for a few months by what couldve been which was Great for feeling secure in this life changing choice i made more or less on an emotional whim that deviated from a life plan i had had since i was 15
and then i spent 6 months unemployed bc the tech world is imploding . LOL . but i have a job offer now for something that's really meaningful to me that'll allow me to use my skills to help people AND it'll pay me more than double what my phd stipend was. so alls well that ends well or something
#if anyone ever wants to chat comp sci. or making strange illogical decisions abt their life and academia. hit me up <3#this is kind of a long post sorry but i felt like i needed to make it clear that it's not like.#idk to me it's just a fact and like a kind of waste of time and energy and a Lot of emotional turmoil that i spent figuring out my life#essentially aimlessly but desperately grasping onto any path that made sense#rather than anything impressive if that makes sense#like i enrolled in a phd program. was 'sponsored' so to speak by a prof. had a placement in a lab. had funding and everything.#but then had a mental breakdown. and dropped out before even moving there (thank god)#ask
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is it worth it to do a phd straight after your master's? i'm an international student in the UK and on the one hand i'd like to pursue a PhD but on the other hand securing funding seems really hard. i find myself getting demotivated and i haven't even started reaching out to profs much less applying. do you have any advice, in this specific situation, and just in general not to give up so easily?
I think it depends on what your goals are more generally. If you need a PhD to work in your chosen field, it probably makes sense to go straight into a PhD from your Master's. If you want to continue to live in the UK as an expat, starting a PhD program may be the easiest way to keep doing that. If you have professors from your Master's program that you like and want to keep working with, it may make sense to pursue a PhD now, since those connections are fresh. If you're not sure what you would want your doctoral research to focus on or if you're not sure who you'd like to work with, it may make sense to take some time off and clarify your goals before applying to PhD programs. If you're generally feeling kind of burnt out from academia, it may make sense to take some time off before applying. There are a million reasons why someone might do a PhD right away or postpone it until they have some work experience- only you can decide what's right for you.
As far as motivation goes, I think all you can really do is break down the process into small, manageable steps. "Apply for a PhD" is a really big task! But "look through the websites of ten different PhD programs", "make a list of five professors whose work has been influential on my work", "brainstorm a list of potential topics of research", etc. might feel more doable, especially if you make the tasks small enough that they can be done in one sitting. There are a couple of good lists to get you started here, here, and here, although I would suggest breaking the items on those lists down into even smaller steps. If it feels easy to make a little bit of progress every day, you won't have to rely on motivation as much to get things done.
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I hate to uncover myself here like that, but I got some thoughts that may contribute a bit to whole DA genre and how studying in small, gated community or breathing aesthetic makes main characters go insane.
I'm not rich by no means, but I would say I'm comfortable middle class. I can sail, I can ski, I can ride horses and, as a 22yo, I've already been to 20 various countries (not even attempting to count how many cities). Additionally, I'm not American, so student loans don't really affect me. The point being, I never had to worry about working regular student jobs or earning money in any way. I didn't even have chores at home. I was always told all I have to focus on is studying and nothing more.
I was raised by a professor of arts from a big university and by family who discusses philosophy and literature at the dinner table and speaks languages. I already knew half of my current professors before I even knew where I'm going to high school, and at 16yo I was having dinner with a professor from Harvard convincing me to apply there. I got into classics master's program and since it's very hard major with not many job perspectives here, I'm studying in a very small group of fairly odd or pretentious people (there are less than 10 of us in my year).
Thanks to contacts and nepotism, I already got a few jobs in my area of study. I already partaken in publications and all. I've been to foreign exchange programs, and I'm already planning what I have to do to get a PhD. Your typical DA bitch.
I know I will probably stay at uni for the rest of my life, following my parents' steps, but as an extrovert, I realised how much I miss contact with people from the outside. Especially since most of the work I do in my room with nothing but Google Docs in front of me.
Now, with war, crisis, inflation, and my rich holiday plans, I decided to try some more stable and student appropriate jobs. I became a barista to earn extra money and some practical experience. I also started going to the gym in my neighbourhood.
It has been an amazing experience so far to "ungate" myself and break free from the kind of golden cage I was living in. A few days ago, it struck me that for the first time ever, I feel like like a real person. Like a real young adult, who has to work for things and who exists in the real word and not one of concepts and aesthetics full of detached intellectuals and big words. It's such a weird feeling, but in a good way. Like, I'm no longer expecting everyone to know who Jacques Derrida is or speak more than 3 languages. I like to think I'm more in touch with reality and in touch with myself.
So, yeah, in conclusion, I deeply believe everyone should try that, and living gated, elitist, academiac life can actually rot your brain in every way.
If Henry Winter worked customer service job for a week, we would have a much happier ending to The Secret History lmao.
#dark academia#the secret history#read it with a distance please#it's like half joke half rambling#nothing to overthink#just seen someone discussing influence of gated elitist community on characters of da books#I may have some observations here#also I hate losing bits of anonymity like that lmao#if we were villains
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August 14, 2023
Went to Target, noticed that many of the decorations on sale were deep greens and pale purples, realized that maybe I'm not quite as original with my ideal room colors as I'd anticipated. What is life but a series of events in which I realize that I'm not as special as I thought I was (I am being dramatic and hyperbolic but still).
Took out my mini twists (finally); in loveeee with the ultra-defined fro. Game-changing style for sure, but I can't wait this long in the future to take them out bc the twists were majorly raggedy.
In this day and age, and into the future, I can imagine personal branding becoming more and more important in landing academic jobs. And by that I specifically mean having some sort of online presence that connects who you are to what you do. That one old friend of mine, probably the person I've known the longest outside my family even if we really don't ever speak, she is very successfully building an online brand doing just that, and it's pretty incredible to watch, actually.
Speaking of branding, I'm trying to come up with pseudonyms to change my name to. Mostly to minimize the effect of this blog on any personal branding I may decide to do (I recognize that the internet is forever and that the damage is therefore already done, but no one needs to know that I have a deeply and perhaps inappropriately personal tumblr whatsoever). Genuinely, I'm the kind of person to grow unreasonably attached to the first thing I come up with (floralfountainpens), but I want to spend some time considering several options. I give myself a month max to think on it.
Oh also I'm normally a matte lipstick girlie but my mom convinced me to try the maybelline lifter gloss and I think I actually kind of like it?? It's really buttery, non-sticky, and, best of all, works well with my skin tone even though it looks crazy pink. I've been a little inspired by Barbie, I guess. I dig it.
I'm watching phd vlogs on youtube (because of course I am), and this small vlogger I'm watching right now talked about how she was a commenter on some papers at a conference for the first time. As she was describing this role (and I've seen this done once or twice I think at the national conference I went to the past two years), I was horrified at first by how daunting the task seemed. I really struggle with trying to sound appropriately intelligent (...to prove that I am capable of being in a situation and not raise anyone's doubts which I now recognize is not a particularly healthy attitude), so coming up with meaningful commentary/critique, especially if on the spot, sounds horrific. Then, I realized how similar it is to something I did in my last two years of undergrad. For the last two years, I was a moderator for what is essentially a conference for my humanities program, and I had to perform a fairly similar task: asking insightful and coherent questions to panelist presenters whose work I was seeing for the first time. I actually received compliments on my moderation. So I'm not as fully unprepared for that kind of thing as I might think. Which is a little cool. [edit: I think one of the biggest takeaways from my experiences as a moderator is that coherent and simple but interesting questions are better than rambly and intelligent-sounding questions. Of course, I'd like to go to more talks and symposia in grad school to really dissect this kind of role so that I may be prepared for it, just in case.]
And you know while I'm far from being a crypto bro, I'm starting to like,,,, lowkey get into investing???? In the simplest ways possible, really, with a Roth IRA and a CD (and medium-yield savings account I guess), but the idea of getting started early, making regular contributions, and then possibly not having to worry about retirement (assuming we survive as a species long enough for me to get there) is kinda sick ngl. Most of my money isn't really liquid, I guess, which is a little nerve-wracking, but The Market generally seems to be headed upward, so I'm not pressed in the slightest right now. The FDIC can't hold my hand forever if I wanna see real gains. At least, that's how rich wealthy people see it.
Last thing: I liked Barbie for its obnoxious femininity. The first two-thirds or so felt like a release. It was silly, it was goofy, it made me smile. The last quarter or third or so in its seriousness did have a real message which I could relate to on some level, but it felt fairly didactic, especially the whole monologue on what it was like to be a woman or whatever. Like yeah, the message was there, but I felt like the movie beat me over the head with that bit out of fear that the audience wouldn't get it maybe? I think They Cloned Tyrone did a better job at having a clear overtone message without being as in-your-face with it (or maybe they just balanced the message with the plot a bit better idk). There are certainly other criticisms of Barbie that I've encountered, and while they have merit, I feel like I can just accept this movie as its own new thing. [edit: To add, a """seminal work""" [edit 2: isn't it peculiar, calling a movie like this "seminal" ... what about ungendered terms for the same thing... alternatives include influential, groundbreaking, formative, innovative. I like the term, generally, but I sort of wish there was a feminine equivalent.] doesn't need to be flawless, in my opinion. It merely needs to exist and set in motion some sort of change in thought as a result of its reception (whether that change is how the audience approaches media or how creators approach media or something else entirely). I think Lost is another example of an imperfect work that changed media and still deserves recognition despite its shortcomings. Time will tell whether Barbie is the start of some wave or if it merely remains a one-of-a-kind event.]
TODAY IM THANKFUL FOR THE STAR TREK STRANGE NEW WORLDS MUSICAL EPISODE???? Never in my life did I think that this serious sci-fi franchise would be able to pull such a thing off, but that error's on me because this franchise switches between silly and serious at the drop of a hat. Like,,,,, "Apologies, the most confounding thing: I appear to be singing; most unusual, so peculiar" LITERALLY CRYING AAAAAAAA THE WHOOOOooOOoOoOOooOLE THING (vocals, orchestration(!!!!!), plot, ensemble, choreo, technobabble) WAS SO STINKING FUN
((in two weeks im flying away.))
[edit: this post was all over the place (even more than usual) because it's more of a collection of thoughts from the past several days rather than a single entry written all at once]
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An Initial Biographical Rant-Sketch
You get one shot at life, and, if you're like me, you then proceed to botch it royally in some way or other. Your young self is apportioned whatever amount of hope and drive and dream fuel, and then you just go on to squander it all spectacularly during the liveliest years of your life. There are as many ways to botch a life as there are ways to miss a target, and, if you're me-adjacent, you look at a far off tree or whatever off to the side and say, yeah, let me spend everything on the liberal arts.
Back in college, after I transferred, I was originally a math major. My intention was to get into med school, and I never felt so much at play doing intellectual work as I did while solving definite integrals, so math made sense. Unfortunately, reasonable plans were ruined when previous flirtations with majoring in philosophy (which I had (temporarily) rightly stopped) blossomed into a life-altering affair: while taking my first philosophy course, I decided to switch entirely to philosophy. The math department chair suggested I double major in math and philosophy; he said I had the horsepower to do so. I, being young and an idiot with no one around to give me a figurative (or not) slap in the face and strong words, said no, that I wanted to drop the math major entirely and focus solely on philosophy. So I did. I felt good. After all, I had chosen the higher things and virtue, etc., the path to wisdom and the highest form of knowledge. And philosophy people got into med school, so whatever. Well, philosophy became pretty all-consuming, as will happen in the case of neurotic, idealistic young people, I guess, who are afraid of not being good enough (in an argument, but it's always more global than that) and who think there's a war between the forces of truth and of falsity that needs committed fighters for the former. The result was that I decided to pursue a PhD in philosophy and ditch plans for medicine for a career in academia; the members of my college's philosophy department were encouraging, and I thought I could make it work.
As things worked out, I didn't get accepted into a philosophy grad program with funding, so I decided by means of many decisions to do the smart thing and take out, ultimately, over a 100k in student loans to study theology in Europe for five years. I was originally only going to be in Europe for one year, where I would apply again to PhD programs (my chaplain in college, who had supported my desire to pursue graduate studies in philosophy, suggested a year at the place I went to might be good, both for the "spiritual formation" it might provide (which I hadn't gotten enough of in college, apparently) and the apparent fact that a year doing something academic looked better than a non-academic gap year), but there was so much work that first year that I didn't have time or energy to do so. So, for various reasons, such as wanting the intellectual formation I saw in other students, not having the energy or trust (in myself and others) to change course drastically, a sense that it was God's will that I continue, and having started in my third year my own dumb journey in "reparative therapy" with a paychiatrist who taught at my school (which journey lasted 7.5 years and didn't work, of course) and not wanting g to end it all before I reached real success, well, that initial year became 5 years. I financed it all with student loans. Because I could. And because I thought (and sure, was enabled to think) it was God's will that I do so. You, the reader, can no doubt see how thoroughly dumb my choice of paths up to this point was; if only I had had your clarity at the time...
Which I didn't. If I had, I wouldn't have applied to, been accepted to, and then maxed out student loans to pursue, a PhD in philosophy. Yes, I did that. For six years, I did that. I earned an MA along the way (which seemed wise because my other degrees, two theology graduate degrees and a philosophy BA, were effectively useless), but I finally got off that train that was almost certainly headed to nowheresville by withdrawing from the program this past summer (hands and wrists and arms that now hurt when typing helped. They hurt now, but I'm mad, so here we are).
Now, at 35, with a future that kind of looks bleak for physical limitations and lack of current resources to cultivate other options that immediately make sense (like coding), my hefty liberal arts background at least positions me well to point out how terrible is the whole system that works to convince young people, or that enables them to think, and to act monetarily and otherwise on the thinking, that somehow majoring in a liberal art (like philosophy or theology) is somehow wise. A few well curated phosophy and literarure courses can provide all the foundation one needs to develop one's ability to think well over the course of a lifetime. In philosophy, a course each on Plato, Aristotle and Aquinas, and the first half of Lonergan's book _Insight_, maybe, would be all you need; students can read more if they like. Maybe a course exploring the ethical thought of China and ancient Greece could work. Anyway, if people want more philosophy or whatever in a sort of collegial setting, they could go and found salons. And as far as theology and anything ostensibly regulated by theology goes, if you're a Catholic like me, it is all stuff that you can't actually know anyway, a kind of worldbuilding by nerds that most people do not care about (and need not care about) that all has to be decided by authoritative fiat anyway, which is proven by Thomists trying since the 15th century to impose "self-evident principles" by means of magisterial/papal/institutional power - but, I digress. So, if people in a position to do anything about it actually care about young people in the sort of position I was in, they will work assiduously to ensure young people aim well and do not major in the liberal arts - or, even worse, pursue GRADUATE study in the liberal arts. (If they need help getting motivated, maybe they can go ahead and imbibe the statistics found through the following link:
)
But of course (and this is my parting shot, mostly because my hand is tingling and this post is uber long) the people who COULD do something about it won't. Why? Well, there are all the institutional and microcultural inertiae, sure, but also because, well, various people and groups need idea mules to carry their ideas out into the world so as to retain cultural currency and general life through influence; people and groups need surrogates to give birth to ideas and mixes of ideas to keep different microcultures, traditions, etc. going into the next generation, I guess. Idea mules must be grown and groomed, and idea surrogates must be prepared well and given time to gestate their offspring; liberal arts majors provide time to develop cohorts of whichever. And so liberal arts majors will continue to be offered, and vulnerable youth will continue to be exploited, monetarily and otherwise, through them. Maybe the whole classical school movement will make those majors so obviously moot they'll be allowed to go away?
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[chasingghosts @ bzoink]
What can you smell right now?
I smell my coffee energy drink that I just took a sip of.
What was the last thing you bought online?
It’s been awhile since I’ve done any online shopping since I just haven’t been in a shopping mood. It’s not fun when you spend all day at home in bed to go shopping for new clothes or accessories. I want to be able to wear them out somewhere, ya know?
If you drink coffee, when was the last time you went a day without having one?
I drink coffee daily, which for the past several months I’ve just been having a Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink. While I was in the hospital last year for 3 months I couldn’t eat or drink anything due to a breathing tube, later on trachea tube, so those definitely felt like the longest 3 months of my life.
Do you have any appointments coming up?
Not this month.
Do you put appointments in your phone's calendar app to remember them?
Sometimes, but for the past several months my mom has just been writing them on the marker board calendar we have hung up in my room. She’s the one who typically keeps track of that stuff for me right now.
Will you be visiting anyone's house in the next week or so?
No. I won’t be going anywhere.
Have you ever been to a petting zoo? What animals did you pet?
Yeah, as a kid. I remember there always be goats.
What was the last movie you saw in theatres?
Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness last year. I didn’t know not long after I’d be admitted into the hospital.
Do you know anyone who has done a PhD?
No. My brother recently decided to go back to school for his master’s and just got accepted into the program, which is amazing.
How many unread emails are in your inbox right now?
Omg, like well over 1,000. I used be on top of my emails and kept my inbox clean, but I got lazy with it for some reason. The notification used to bother me and help me stay on track; I don’t know what happened.
What four apps do you keep on the home bar on your iPhone? (Sorry, I'm not sure if Android has an equivalent!)
Contacts, call, messages, emails.
Have you ever used Tumblr? Do you still use it today?
Nope, what’s that?
Are you tired right now?
Very. One of the things about the edibles I found that seems to be helping my anxiety also makes me extremely tired. So, I’m napping more but whatever. What else am I doing?
What's your favourite day of the week and why?
I don’t have one.
How far away is the nearest major city?
A few hours.
Do you own an electric kettle?
Nope.
Are your eyebrows wispy or bushy?
Bushy.
Have you ever lost your wallet or purse? Did you have to replace a bunch of things?
No, thankfully.
Where are you right now? Describe the room or place to me.
I’m in bed in my room. It’s a small room with a closet, dresser, tv, window, canvas art and posters hung up, marker boards, bulletin board, a side table, an office chair, and a shit ton of medical supplies. My room is small and cluttered and I hate it.
Do you prefer big dogs or small dogs?
As someone in a wheelchair, I personally feel most comfortable around medium sized dogs.
Are you good at understanding heavy accents? Which accents would you say you're the best at understanding?
I admittedly have a hard time sometimes, it just really depends.
Have you ever played on a real life pinball machine, or just on the computer?
A real one, yeah.
Do you have a lot of word documents or notes on your computer?
No.
What's your favourite Ben & Jerry's flavour?
I don’t really have a particular favorite. When I was younger I loved the Phish food one.
Have you ever been to a school reunion? How was it?
No, and I have no interest in going to one.
How many nights a week do you generally cook at home?
I personally don’t cook at all.
What colour are the street signs in your neighbourhood? Are they the same all over town or do they vary?
They’re green.
Do you have good grammar and punctuation skills?
I believe so.
Have you ever tried vegan chicken? Did you like it?
No, and I gotta say... it doesn’t sound appealing to me.
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i was tinkering with my dissertation idea today and ended up finding some literature that might be really helpful with further developing my theory and fleshing out the project and i feel so much more energized and excited about it and like i’m actually (FINALLY) making some progress and i feel so proud of myself!!! this month makes 5 years since i met my advisor and took his classes and fell in love and realized i could study my areas of interest / passion for a LIVING and decided to go for the phd despite how insane and far-fetched that sounded, and i’m remembering how invigorated and ambitious i was about it, how i couldn’t get enough of researching phd programs and was devouring any political science research in my fields of interest that i could get my hands on, and it feels so good to be even slightly excited about school again and like i’m inching closer to the degree i’ve been working so hard toward despite all of the shit i’ve gone through in the last three years 🥺
#i also stopped by the office of one of the profs whose class i’m going to take next quarter to introduce myself#and i told him i was planning to take his causal inference seminar next quarter but that i struggle with math so i asked if we could arrange#a meeting just for him to describe what the class and his expectations would be and what i could do to prepare#and he was so nice and so helpful! it was a Brave Girl thing because i was just walking down the hallway and saw his door was open and#i initially passed it and figured i’d just email him and then i was like no. we are doing this now. and i did!#i’m getting better at asking for help and expressing what i need and not being afraid to identify and address areas i can improve on#it’s still a little scary because it’s such a hard subject for me but i feel a lot more capable now (and we haven’t even had our actual#meeting yet!)#i’m reconnecting with 2017 me and it feels healing <3#rad school
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it's been a tiring week, I've had students cry in front of me, tell me how lonely they are, tell me they're convinced it's week 2 of the quarter and they're so far behind they're never gonna be able to catch up. And I think I've managed to help all of them get to people they need on campus to make things at least a little more manageable.
talking to disability services and getting accomodations is really scary when the culture you're raised in doesn't believe in disability or mental health at all, or consider it shameful to ask for help. getting food stamps comes with all sorts of ideological baggage. but fuck man, if you don't have to work two jobs and can get food stamps and use those 80 hours to study for your chem and bio classes, do it!!!!! no one has to know!!! so many things are protected and private and just waiting to make your life easier so you can do the important things, like studying to be a doctor
all the rich kids are taking the shortcuts and acting entitled to every accomodation and care and extra time and easier settings to Life. and brown kid culture is the opposite. self reliant, self sufficient, and sucking it up because you gotta be strong and avoid shame at all costs. that's gotta change.
i checked in with a bunch of students since talking to them, and they seem like they're getting their footing. it's not too late! it's never too late! you can fail your ochem class and do really bad in your other ochem classes and still end up going to get a PhD in a chemistry that is half built on organic chemistry. It's possible!
You only know it's worth it if you try. And if you give up at the start, you'll never know what you're missing out on--or discover what you don't like.
There are a lot of facets to being a doctor. Do you want to be a doctor, or do you just want a career that has face to face time with people? do you wanna be a doctor or do you want to take samples and analyze them and find out what's wrong with someone? do you wanna be a doctor or do you want to study disease? do you wanna be a doctor or do you want to revolutionize healthcare or expand access to programs?
every individual has a different answer and only you can find out for yourself if this chem class is gonna get you one step closer to chasing what you really wanna do.
The only thing that can truly truly stop you is giving up before you begin.
It's not gonna be easy! I worked two jobs and discovered all sorts of health stuff in college and was often miserable and certainly wasn't the smartest person in the room like, ever. It was really hard. But I did it. I clawed my way into accessing the things I needed to make it Doable.
There are two students I have who have already said, joking through their tears of frustration: "idk what to do, I guess I might as well drop out! haha!"
And I'm not kidding, but that's a fucking death sentence right there. Joking about that shit and getting so emotional and flippant puts the idea solidly in your head as a possibility.
When I have students who make comments like that, I know I might as well just walk away! because I know when I try to help them, even if I offer to do everything for them to get their problem solved -- wifi chip in her computer is busted so she can't do the online homework. guess what I have resources to get free computer loans on campus, and there are computer labs in the 24/7 library that are NEVER used, and I have SOLUTIONS as well as sympathy...
I know when a student says something shitty about themselves like that, they will REFUSE any and all help.
They are convinced they're hopeless and helpless. So therefore it's not worth helping them, because Nothing Can Fix This.
Guess what? It would be a lot less work to help you than some of the other students who are even further behind! and I am still trying to help regardless! but nope pessimism and self sabotage disguised as irony and humor have cut out the Rational part of the brain....they've decided theyrr done for.
You know that when you get upset, your brain gets flooded with hormones that make it difficult to think analytically?
it's really clear from the outside, lemme tell you.
I worry for my students, but I think the vast majority of them are gonna be good, and I am really happy. These are the parts of teaching I love the most. de Broglie equation and bullshit aside, sharing my fuck ups and experiences and knowledge and SEEING students enroll in the free tutoring, or knowing they reached out to therapists, or knowing they joined an org I recommended, is really worthwhile and special
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