#im trying very hard not to get suicidal about it bc what i actually want | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

definitelynotshouting · 9 months

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I’ve been trying to grasp why I’ve been so in love with hunger au, and it wasn’t until looking up the lyrics to ‘ibuprofen’ to try and spoil the next chapter for myself (I am very good at making things up) that I figured out why.

Your World building is beautiful and I’m a massive sci-fi fan I thought that was why I was originally so invested, but I realized that the entire story (as of rn) can be read as a metaphor for a type of personality disorder?

This isn’t me saying that the story MUST be a metaphor, or even that you intentionally wrote it like that, but goddamn it does click some button in me like oh!!

Sometimes w personality disorders it feels like all you can do is hurt people. You’re carefully restricting your actions and expressions so you dont ever get too comfortable and hurt someone, but you inevitably fail and all you can do is feel bad because you were able to be yourself and meet some kind of internal satisfaction but the result is other people being hurt and you still aren’t happy cause that’s inherently a bad thing.

And then the logical conclusion is that you should never speak or hang out with people (or like. Live.) ever again because it’s not right to be hurting other people with your mere existence.

Idk if anyone else has mentioned this before but yeah that’s this for me lol. But!! Help exists!!! and Grian will get help too with his watcher tendencies after he realizes that his existence isn’t inherently detrimental and that there are solutions for his problems if he uses his big boy words and asks.

And no one will forgive him for what’s happened overnight, and those who forgive him will still have been hurt, and some of his relationships will be permanently altered because of the way he’s hurt them. But it’s not the end for him and it’s not the end for anyone else!!

Sorry this is so long! Idk if I should tag anything sensitive in case you decide to respond so Ima leave that to you— I’m a tumblr lurker I’ve been here for years but never commented on anything lol. Ty for the story, keep living laughing and loving (It’s what Grian would want apparently) and have a good one!

placing some obligatory tws here for those with post filtering: tw for discussions of mental health, personality disorders, and minor suicidal ideation (in the ask)

alright with that out of the way this is actually really validating for me to hear bc a lot of what you're seeing in this has been inserted very deliberately. While its not intended to fully be a metaphor for having a personality disorder, a lot of what's been depicted does draw on that, so im really glad this resonates with you!!

At its heart and core, hunger au is about the raw process of recovery, and how grueling but ultimately rewarding it is to commit to getting better. Showing this process through the fic is, i suppose, my way of holding the hand of everyone who is struggling with their own recovery and saying "i see you. i understand. you arent alone."

I cant overstate how humbled i am by everyone who has taken the time to tell me how theyve seen themselves in hunger au. And the fic is just getting started!!! The fact that people are resonating this hard with it at only 5 chapters in just blows me away. Its everything ive wanted for this fic. Thank you for taking the time to tell me this, because im truly so grateful that i am making an impact with it, no matter how small or personal.

#shouting speaks #asks #hunger au #compliments #genuinely cant tell yall how much it means to me that people resonate with so many aspects of hunger au #and that they feel seen and heard #idk thats just smth really special and i am cupping it in my hands so reverently #mental health #personality disorders #suicidal ideation #<- for those with tag filters n not post filtering #long post #txt

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aria-ashryver · 8 months

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🌟...aaaaand it's over, no more chemo!🌟

(at least I very much hope so 🤞)

And Caesar, well...

How are you feeling, Aria? When are you getting new scans? Should the side effects go away soon? If they schedule a surgery, when will it happen?

(Also, this is how I picture you getting ready to hear the results of said scans)

♥️🎉🫂🥂

HELLO sweet lovely!!

Thoughts under the cut bc I'm getting a little bleak and edgy for a sec here lmao, but out here, lemme just say:

FUCK YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH I DID THAT!!!! 🙌✨🎉💪

I meet with my oncologist next week, so I won't know much more until then (he'll hopefully be telling me I can make an appointment with the surgery team to talk surgery plans!!), but whatever the news is, bring it on. I've got this.

y'know, these last 3 months have really felt like...

but you know what? I'm still here. Still standing. Still got my foot on Caesar's throat.

These past couple days I've been... ugh. I want to keep matching the celebratory energy, I really do. But I am standing on a bloodied battlefield, gasping for air, my darling.

Shortly before noon, May 30th, 2023, I was told my cancer was metastatic.

Advanced.

Secondary.

Stage 4.

Incurable.

I've been carrying that knowledge for a few months now. About 114,000 minutes, actually. And I've been cutting down the intrusive thoughts that whole time. The terror. The doubt. The sheer, stark loneliness that is existing in a body with something insidious that's trying to kill you. I cannot tell you how truly claustrophobic cancer is.

I've won this battle, yes. I made it through my chemotherapy. But I'm going to be sword in hand for the rest of my life. I don't get to rest. And you know what? That's okay. In a lot of ways, I've been fighting for years.

The irony isn't lost on me that I fought tooth and nail to claw my way through depression and suicidal ideation, and now that I finally, wholeheartedly want to live, I get handed a death sentence. One I can beat back, yes (see: bloodied battlefield, foot on Caesar's throat, et cetera), but one that I'll have to continue fighting forever.

I'll be honest, I have more flavours of trauma than a goddamn ice cream parlour, I was wholeheartedly fucked up even before the cancer diagnosis lmao. But NOTHING has broken me yet.

The world has been trying to kill me for decades and I haven't let it.

Caesar is just one more enemy to laugh at.

This battlefield may be bloodied and barren, but it is mine.

I may be standing on a field of broken bones and corpses, but I am standing.

So, here's to the next fight. I'm ready 🖤

also, just as a random parting thought, I was having a massive cry yesterday (again 114,000 minutes!! of being forced to confront my own mortality, and this was only Breakdown #5 (yes, I'm counting), so like... I think I'm doing real good haha). Anyway, I stumbled on a YT short that was so bleakly hilarious to me in the context of having cancer that I laughed so hard it snapped me right the fuck out of it and i stopped being sad and resumed being awesome

youtube

the tl;dr is hell yeah chemo is over (hopefully), and I am literally unkillable and feeling very cool and rad about it 💅

also now I want a sword.

oh my god i totally need to buy myself a sword when they declare my body cancer free don't i?

...oh my god im gonna do it

kitty you genius

#lol remember when GOT was good?#tw: mentions of past depression/past suicidal ideation #aria pincushion tally: 76

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mythicalmyles · 2 months

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honey i’m so sorry that’s happening. i was going through the same thing a while ago. it’s okay if none of those things work. just “taking a bath” doesn’t work with depression. some meds didn’t work for me either. it’s important to remember that meds don’t work for a lot of people. it’s okay to try new ones and switch them. i tried like three different ones and dosages before finding one that worked for me. it takes time to heal and im sure these people reminding you of your problems don’t make you feel any better. it’s okay to feel upset. i probably can’t make you feel different about yourself but i can say i’ve gone through that. so many people have and you are not alone. it’s very very hard to believe but it does get better. i’m sure you’ve heard that millions of times before, but it does.

as for the nicotine, it’s hard to get off that kind of stuff. habits are hard to break. i understand that. i was the same with sh. i don’t have much experience with that kind of addiction, but i can recommend nicotine gum and patches.

one thing that helped me when i felt like i was going to do something was remind myself how many people would miss me. how my dog would stand by the window wondering where i went because she didn’t understand. how my parents and friends would mourn me and miss me.

it’s okay to reach out for help and you’ve done so much already by getting a therapist. it’s okay to switch therapists. i had to go through about four before i found my right one.

you are doing amazing by letting these feelings out and it’s okay to feel this way. so many people care about you. i know it’s hard to believe but it will get better. it may take days, months, years, but it will. i know it’s frustrating and i know none of this might help but i want you to know there are people like you out there who are going through this.

additionally, you should add the suicide hotline to your phone, i did it and it’s a good emergency plan. one thing you can also try on tumblr is kokobot, it’s anonymous and it’s a whole bot about venting.

you’ve got this love. stay strong<33

Ive been on so many meds im not qualified to get weed legally in the uk i lost count of how many ive been thru and these ones do good.. but they dont always work and my drs just keep upping my dosage im on 350 quitiapine and 150 sertraline along with 100mgs of instant activate quitiapine and honestly if it werent for my bf and the animals i wouldve dipped a long time ago but ik no one will look after them as well as i do

Unfortunately im allergic to nicotine patches and i cant actually have chewing hum due to my tmj i tried the spray but it instantly made me throw yp everytime i tried it so i packed it in and it was our first day i felt shitty bc we went straight into my trauma (first person ive ever told what actually happened) so i was dealing w that after along w flashbacks shes rlly sweet though and was really kind to me it was just a heavy session

And funnily enough i have tried two hotlines and both hung up on me so that was gucci mane 💃 but thank you i really appreciate it and i hope you have a great day

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gamerwoo · 2 years

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[SVT Imprinted] Chan: 'What if Bomi didn’t kill Hyojin’ spin-off headcanon

@minluvly asked: A spin off when Areum finds out about Chan in "what if Bomi didn't kill Hyojin"(deadass my keyboard autocorrected it tho HYUNjin) and its like her trying to move on ((bc like when Im imagining that i usually think like she goes to SKZ's apartment, Hao tells her, she goes hysterical, drives off, goes to the house, finds him dead and just break down bc she "Just gave him a chance," amd "just accepted" him at the time so shes also apologizing to him bc she rejected him so many times and now shes lost him and icm KTJAKFJSJFJSJFJDJD

a/n: obviously this is set in the universe of bomi not killing hyojin so it’s very heavy and very sad and there’s a lot of people dead and basically read at your own risk. also i debated on if i wanted this to be an actual like fic or a headcanon buuuuut i went with a headcanon like the original. ALSO ALSO does it hurt more if i say i was listening to the ghost of you by mcr while writing this lmao

Characters: Chan x oc / Seventeen x ocs

**WARNINGS: major character death (chan’s dead and a few other members were killed as well as some ocs. it’s all in the other headcanon so if you didn’t read that none of this will make sense), mentions of murder and suicide, implied suicide, mentions of blood and guts, mentions of guns and being shot and bullet wounds, if i missed anything please lmk!!!

Tag list: @psshwa @uglyratlmao @brokenbutchocolate @shra-vasti @killcomet @brattybunfornct @shuabby1994 @henloiamaweirdobye @anissanightyoung @aceofvernons @minluvly @honeyylin @miki-chi @heemingyu @babyminghao @noraehey (if you’d like to be added to the tag list please fill out this form!)

Imprinted Masterlist

a few members of the pack stared down at Chan’s phone on the table as it keeps vibrating

nobody wanted to pick it up because they see the photo of Chan and Areum lighting up the phone with Areum’s contact name above it

they wanted to cry seeing how happy he looked

how alive he was

“what do we do?” Jun asked, his eyes unable to leave the phone

the older pack members -- and Bomi -- were still outside as they tried to...clean up without sobbing

Bang Chan, Changbin, and Elsie were on their way to help out while the rest of the pack was waiting at Aeri’s for the mates of Seungcheol’s pack to arrive

but they heard a phone vibrating from the pocket of Chan’s jeans where he’d left them by the door, and now they were left with the task of figuring out what to even say to Chan’s mate

meanwhile at home, Areum’s left in the dark

she has no idea what’s going on as she continues to get ignored and eventually sent to voicemail

what the hell is this bad feeling in the pit of her stomach?

why does her heart feel like it’s shattered into pieces?

“pick up, pick up, pick up,” she kept chanting as she called over and over and over

the tenth time she’s sent to voicemail, she tries calling Seungcheol

no answer

Minghao

“...Areum?”

she let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding

“Minghao, is Chan okay?” rushed out of her mouth

Minghao’s driving and gripping the steering wheel so hard he hears it start to crack a little, so he had to physically make himself let up a little bit

tears start filling his eyes again and he sniffles

god, he has to tell her

he has to tell his best friend that her boyfriend was killed

“A-Areum, I-I--”

his voice breaks and Areum’s heart sinks

“Minghao, what happened?” she demanded

“J-Jinsoo-- Areum, we-- Nobody c-could stop it--”

“Jinsoo...?”

“Hyojin a-and Jinsoo and-- And their pack-- Th-they got Aya and J-Jihoon and Jaehee-- Jinsoo, he--”

Minghao was just sobbing through words that Areum could hardly piece together, her blood running cold as she processed what he was saying

“Chan tried to get him, Areum,” he whimpered. “H-he went for him after he got Jihoon, b-but-- B-but he-- A-Areum--”

Areum heard another male voice on the phone trying to tell Minghao to breathe. she heard two shaky breaths before Minghao choked out a sentence that made her legs turn to jelly

“Areum... He...sh-shot Chan...”

she fell to her knees, gripping the phone for dear life

she held it to her ear as if she heard wrong and maybe pressing it closer to her ear would make the sentence change and be something else

“W-what...?” she barely whispered

“I’m so sorry, Areum,” Minghao was sobbing again

he felt guilty somehow, like one of them could’ve prevented it, but there wasn’t anyone could’ve done differently

he almost felt guilty he was alive but Areum had her mate ripped away from her

her brain was going a million miles a minute

she was experiencing all the stages of grief within seconds of each other and it was overwhelming

the only one she wasn’t experiencing was acceptance

there was no way Chan was dead, right?

he couldn’t be, he was fine this morning

she just accepted him; she just started letting herself fall for him, how the fuck could he just be...gone?

she heard shuffling on the phone and then a new but familiar voice

“Areum,” Hansol spoke surprisingly calmly, but she heard him sniffle, “go straight to Aeri’s, okay? We’ll--”

“No,” she interrupted almost instinctively.

“No? Areum--”

“I have to see him,” she stated. “He can’t... I have to.”

“Areum, do not go to the house,” Hansol ordered. “You can’t--”

“He can’t be gone!” she cried.

“Areum, please don’t do anything stupid,” he begged. When she didn’t say anything, he asked, “Areum?”

“Areum?”

“Areum!”

the phone was left on the floor because she knew her phone would get spammed or they’d track her or whatever

she had to go to the house and see for herself

she needed to know this was some misunderstanding or some really fucked up prank that she’d argue with Chan and the pack about later

she got into the car and drove

she was in a trance the whole time, her mind swimming as she drove on autopilot

somehow she hadn’t cried yet, but maybe it was because everything felt fake

Chan wasn’t dead, he couldn’t be dead

at the pack house, hearing the sound of a car door, Wonwoo went around to the front to see who it was

but then the scent hit him and he ran to stop Chan’s mate from seeing the scene in the backyard

especially because Chan was still laying in the grass as they waited for his body to slowly shift back

but somebody had beat him to it

a dark colored wolf came running from the trees and barreled over to Areum, blocking her path

she gasped and stumbled back a bit, but then looked at the wolf angrily

“Hao, move,” she demanded

when Hansol couldn’t get an answer from you, Minghao knew what you were going to do, and he refused to let you go do something stupid

he pulled over, told Hansol to take over, and raced for the forest to beat you to the house

she went to go around him but Minghao blocked her

he stepped toward her and pushed her back with his muzzle

“Areum, you need to go,” Wonwoo spoke up, deciding to intervein

“I need to see him,” she stated

“I know you’re upset and manic, but we’re not letting you do anything stupid.”

“Jeon Wonwoo, if you don’t fuck off--”

all Wonwoo does is sigh and close his eyes, hanging his head

his own mate is scared of him now and won’t look at him

his brothers and sisters were murdered in front of him

one ran away and nobody knows where she went but they know it’s nothing good

and nobody can pry Jeonghan off of Aya’s body

he’s dealt with enough today and he does have it in him to put up with Areum’s snarky mouth

“Whatever,” he said. “Just let her go.”

Minghao gives him the side-eye and Wonwoo lifts his head

“If she wants to see him, let her.”

it’s clear Minghao doesn’t agree considering the low rumble in his chest, but Areum hears something that makes her shove Minghao’s head out of the way before running by him and Wonwoo

“Baaaabyyyyy!” Chan’s voice called cheerily

“Chan!” she gasped and dashed around the side of the house

but both Wonwoo and Minghao can pick out the odd little difference to the voice

as Areum rounds the corner, she’s met with what she can only think of as carnage

there’s red everywhere

there’s bodies she doesn’t recognize laying on the ground...and some she does

she froze in her spot, eyes taking in the scene before her until they found Junhui

he was standing off to the side, Chan’s clothes at his feet

he was holding Chan’s phone, and that was where his voice was coming from

because then she heard her own voice

“Ew, get away from me!” she groaned, followed by Chan’s laugh

she remembered what video that was. one of the girls had done Chan’s makeup and put bright red lipstick on him, so he found her hanging out with Minghao in the kitchen and started chasing her around the house to try and kiss her

so...then where was Chan?

her eyes scanned the yard again, trying to avoid where she noted Jeonghan sobbing and cradling Aya, and Joshua’s face pressed into Jaehee’s chest

she unfortunately saw Jihoon face-up on the ground with a hole in the center of his forehead

and somewhere between Jihoon and Joshua was Chan with his back to her in the grass

“Chan!” she cried, and her feet seemed to be moving before her brain could tell them to

Junhui had been too wrapped up in the video to notice her presence, Seungcheol was still trying to get Jeonghan to let go of Aya, and Bomi was trying to comfort Joshua, but Jun looked up when he heard her voice

“Areum!” he gasped, almost like he was afraid for her to see what she was about to see

she stumbled and fell to her knees at his body and rolled him over

her entire world fell apart in a matter of seconds

three holes in his body. three.

one in his shoulder, another in his chest, and one in his stomach

his bright, golden eyes were now dull and lifeless as they stared passed her and up to the sky

“Chan...” she whispered, one hand slowly and shakily reaching out, but she was almost too scared to touch him

somehow, touching him would make it more real

Junhui had come up behind her now, but he didn’t dare touch her, afraid she might snap, “Areum...?”

“What happened?” was all she could ask, barely above a whisper

“Jinsoo shot Jihoon, and Chan reacted,” he explained quietly. “Nobody could stop it...”

he died because he couldn’t ignore his instincts

he died because he couldn’t control his emotions when one of his brothers was killed

he died because he loved his pack so much he couldn’t consider what would happen if he acted out

that was...so like Chan, it almost made her want to laugh

but she cried instead

Areum broke down into whimpers, and she finally reached out and stroked his cheek

her whimpers grew in volume until she was fully sobbing, holding Chan’s head in her lap and laying her forehead against his

“Areum...” Minghao’s voice was soft as he sat beside her in the grass. his eyes welled with tears seeing her hold Chan. “I’m so sorry, Areum.”

she sat up and her head fell back, and she wailed to the sky like she was screaming at whatever higher power might be out there, “I just got him! I just gave him a chance and now he’s gone!”

Minghao wanted to give her a hug, but she laid her head down on Chan’s chest and cried more

“Come back,” she begged brokenly. “I want more time, this isn’t fair! I’ll be better this time, just give me another chance!”

Minghao rubbed her back as he hiccupped cries hearing Areum beg and plead to whoever

nobody was really sure who she was trying to bargain with -- Chan or someone else -- but they let her get it out until Bang Chan and everyone else showed up

it took both Bang Chan and Changbin to pry Jeonghan away from Aya

Seungcheol had to hold onto Joshua while Elsie pried his hands away from Jaehee

but Areum? she fought tooth and nail to stay with Chan

Bang Chan had to pick her up and carry her away, and he ended up with quite a few teeth and nail marks on his arms and hands

Minghao had to physically restrain her in the back of the car while Bomi drove them to Aeri’s place

halfway into the drive was when Areum finally stopped fighting against Minghao and just sobbed into his shoulder, crying about how she should’ve just accepted Chan sooner

and all Minghao could do was hold her because there was nothing he could say or do to make her feel better or change what had happened

#tw: death #seventeen #seventeen headcanon #seventeen au #seventeen imagine #seventeen series #seventeen scenario #werewolf!seventeen #seventeen x oc #seventeen angst

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tacticalhimbo · 7 months

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so!! i finished watching runs of phantom liberty... and vin's getting a new canon. this dlc and its new ending are canon for him.

i just think the storyline does a great job at showing what vin really wants, and what it takes for him to realize that.

dlc storyline spoilers under the cut, even if they're pretty out of context/explained horribly.

also if ya see this twice very sorry posted this on my rp blog too but i post abt vinny a lot here so y'all get the character development too ♡ i'm so fucking normal (lie)

when this happens is after? you talk to the vdb. so vin's already been up shit's creek by this point. there's the shit with ev. the shit with takemura. the shit with the cados. he's been tugged around.

and then? then his relic gets hacked! and he's told to get his ass to the most dangerous part of nc? alone? yeah. yeah. he's not happy. johnny isn't either, but at this point vin's at a low and honestly could see him following songbird hoping to die.

and then he gets everything thrown on him.

- hey i need your help saving the president.

- hey im the president i need your help getting out of here, the attack came from the inside and i dont trust anybody.

- hey youre now a federal intelligence agent and tour making contact with a sleeper agent bc my runner that contacted you went missing thx.

he's already there, fuck it. maybe some gonk-brain will kill him. but. but!

there is a part of him still kinda hopeful. maybe one more step and he gets the help he needs. one more contact. one more task. and it just. keeps. going.

he's pulled into the monotonous bullshit he tried so hard to escape from. being pulled around on all these fronts again, especially as it comes out songbird is the traitor; this has been in the works for what? months now? because she knows about militech's own version of soulkiller and she, being led on by meyers, was used as a bow and made a portal for the blackwall to conduct govt espionage.

but it just. keeps. getting. worse!

songbird leaves him for dead. reed is stonewalling him. alex is fucking dead. johnny's quieter than usual. he's all alone in fucking dogtown and the only person he feels REMOTE TRUST for is feeding him nothing. and it sucks! but he's still trying to believe that he'll get that out.

and there's so many good convos with the characters in this dlc about morality, mortality, and consequence.

and it ultimately ends with vin trusting reed and them breaking songbird outta maxtac custody, bc surprise the blackwall connection makes you go cyberpsycho. and she makes it to the derelict militech lab that u go into alone alone, bc johnny gets sliced and ur comms are fucked. and there's this whole sequence of almost dying, being hunted alien isolation style by a blackwall ai controlled spider mech, and then you find songbird and she BEGS YOU to kill her. BEGS. and vin just... cant.

it's ironic coming from him considering so many of his dumb decisions are an expression of his suicidality, but he helps. he continues to help!

and even after, he's treated like shit. reed keeps stonewalling him. president myers is a cunt who cordially reminds him of the oath he took and the nice, tight leash she has around his neck.

and then? when he's finally "rescued"? ||he doesnt even say goodbye to anyone. and that hurts the most. arasaka ending sucked, sure, but this? no rooftop talk with misty. no goodbye to vik. just a text explaining he'll be outta town for a bit. and then it ends up being TWO YEARS. HE'S IN A COMA FOR TWO YEARS. ALONE. IN LANGLEY.

and when he wakes up, reed continues. to. stonewall. him. keeps it vague. apologizes, sure, but even now he cannot bring himself to actually care. which is understandable when you look at his character but. vin is livid.

there was no closure. no guarantee he'd even wake up. he could have up and died and nobody would ever fucking know!

and then he gets back to nc and... oh.

oh things changed. things really changed:

- vik became a corpo doc, working for some zetatech corp. he says he didn't have a choice.

- misty is just gone. you run into her after getting jumped by street mercs, and she's on her way to poland.

- arasaka? fucking gone. takemura and hanako went into everything alone and *hanako just up and fucking died.* no explanation. dunno if yori killed her or what. but takemura is in hiding now bc they believe he killed hanako *and* saburo. then yori stepped down as ceo all together.

- didnt see the others' calls so idk what happens with panam, judy, and river, but it can't be much better for them.

and i just...

the whole idea of vin being forced into the background being both a relief and a terror to him is so... it's so good. the idea that he lost everything again, but he now has control over that.

it fucks him up, that's for sure. the dialog you have with reed? with vik? with misty? some real shit. he's on the verge of that suicidality again, but he lived. he can live. he has control over that now.

and it's for the first time in a long time, considering the fact he worked with arasaka counter-intel. he awaited death for so long, knowing it could come at any second, that there's a... bitterness. in losing that feeling. a confusion in the fact he can just. exist without consequence.

this is really the meat of it tho. the last bit. the fact that vin is both the exact same man he was and someone entirely new.

the fact that he changed and didn't. that he's messy and there is no truly happy ending for him, that he's just... human.

that in the end, he still fucked over johnny (except at least in the arasaka ending, he was kinda understanding to a point. here? he's just angry. dejected. vin's last words to him were that he couldn't forgive him for the shit he's done to his body) and still LOST the game of life.

he still lost. but he lost in the best way possible.

the legend of v is out there, but he doesn't have to be that. live up to it. he can just be... him. and i think that's all he really wants, in the end. to learn who he is and to be him. a chance to just exist without consequence. to not have to make choices on who gets harmed and why. to make choices of dire urgency. to just... breathe.

it just took so much for him to realize that, and it's going to weigh on him for god knows how long (if not his whole life, whatever remains of it).

#txt #my ocs #cw spoilers #phantom liberty spoilers #vinposting

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zushimart · 6 months

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I think him not deleting himself is a better way for the story when it comes to meeting the people he's affected, I just think that the way he deleted himself was better way for the story for himself. I think they handled his attempted suicide and attempt to fix things really well, because not only does it show that you can't actually change the past or future of teyvat unless you're an alien variable, but also that he was willing to take his life for a person he spent hundreds of years "hating" just because he learned they didn't betray him. It just fits really well with how he still hadn't moved on from the death of the first people who let him exist as himself.

I'm explaining this kinda messy because I'm hungry rn :/ but what I mean is I think what they did with the story was the best for both teyvat lore in general and also his own self, but if he's to meet the inazuma squad in an event or something I think it's gonna be kinda messy to write it well. Like maybe they'll just include a line that's like "oh yeah the traveller told me about you etc etc" and I don't really want that, but I also don't want one of those black background white text "wanderer explains what he did in the past" so even though I really like the way it's written I'm kinda worried for the conclusion of his own arc (kaedehara buddhist enlightenment) because I can't think of a way to show it well without it being either very long or anticlimactic

YESSSS i agree with you onn that. i think ive talked about how i do like (from a storytelling perspective, not.. you know.. LOL) the severity and SWIFTNESS of his decision to erase (kill) himself. it was very stomach-dropping in the moment if you were someone that already cared about him. i actually remember putting the game down and walking over to my roommate to just sit in silence for a little bit LMFAOOO. it exemplifies how impulsive & swayed by emotion he is and just how deeply his self hatred motivates his actions as well as his EXTREME DESIRE to love and trust others (and how he felt like he couldnt for so so so long). but i also think it effectively shook any mistaken preconceptions other players might have had if they werent as invested in his character (people who thought he was irredeemably evil or inherently malicious in character, it's pretty hard to believe that about someone who can regret their actions so much and so quickly and immediately try to correct what he's done at his own expense). i'll try and go find & reblog my initial thoughts ab the quest tbh i wanna go reread what i wrote.

from like an authorial perspective, erasing himself from irminsul feels very much like one of those "i want to write this so bad because i think it is a fascinating development for this character, but it does not fit in with what i want to do with this character in the future and therefore might be more trouble than its worth as it undermines other plot points i would like to achieve with this character" which when i encounter that i usually write the scene to get the inspiration OUT but treat it as a separate timeline or a "what if."

this is legit completely personal opinion so it doesnt rly fucking matter at all but i honest to god don't find "no matter what you do, the past cannot be changed" something to be particularly interesting. so i guess thats why i have so many qualms with this direction. maybe its bc like. duh. to me. and maybe bc im not particularly invested in the overall story, so i didn't catch anything it might move along in the traveler's development. So i guess thats why im a believer in 'this could have been done differently and better. some Other way for him to find out about niwa.' especially because i've already had a myriad of qualms with the storytelling regarding scara before this point. so my perspective is a bit warped by opinions .

i think i just HATTTE the clunkiness that i expect to follow in regards to his character relationships. like there is something so uncomfortable about it to me like, i just.. u word it very well. it's gonna be Messy. and im always stressed about "messy," especially because i already felt like the storytelling behind his resolution was Already messy. the quest itself re-iterated his past .. so many times... i remember getting Annoyed... (through a) already accessible lore, b) that stupid academic paper, c) irminsul scene d) the "storybook", ANDDD e) re-living his memories... it felt very repetitive, almost overkill to me). so im just dreading what's to come especially if has to re-hash things to characters in-game that have already been explained to the player literally four sometimes five times over. i just want to get to new developments, NEW plot-points, NEW storylines and i want them to be COMPELLING and i want him to develop COMPLEX and MOVING and STRONG character relationships.

#AOEUHGHHH #this is probably just a symptom of caring more ab a single character than the overall story he is a part of tbh #cuz we all know idgaf ab genshin like that #tw suicide

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slowdiived · 2 years

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I love your Kurt stories lol

i was wondering (if your comfortable w it) could you do a Kurt x !fem !suicidal reader?

(lmao im not good at talking to people)

Thanks! <3

yes i can bc lord knows i eat these up when i get that way 💙

tw for self harm and suicidal ideation.

“hey,” kurt was very quiet and gentle, his hand cascading onto your lower back. “are you feeling o-okay?”

you perk up from your bed, stretching out and turning towards him. you just give him a small nod and turn your body to face his. you were embarrassed, your room dirty and the same clothes you had been wearing for three days just rotting away on your body. you were happy he had came over out of the blue though, not having to put in the effort to actually text him. you hadn’t felt the urge to talk to anyone in days.

“are you sure?” his voice was so quiet, he whispered with his nose just inches away from you.

his hand was combing through your unbrushed hair, knots getting caught in his fingertips. you could tell he was visibly worried, his eyes wide and his brow furrowed. you felt bad at how disheveled you were, not wanting to worry him or have him deal with you at all. you were selfish though and knew you couldn’t just tell him to leave, you wanted him here while the terrifying feelings crept through you.

“i could be better,” you spoke just as softly, with the room so silent it was hard to be loud. “sorry for making you come all this way.”

“i was worried about you,” he grabbed your cheek. “don’t be sorry, i-i wanted to be here.”

you nodded and brought your hand up to scratch the itchy part of your forehead, forgetting the visible marks on your skin. he gave you a look, his eyes focusing in on them. he didn’t know what to say, his brain just jumbling stupid words into stupid sentences that he knew wouldn’t help. he didn’t know if any words could help the situation. he had never seen you like this before, he didn’t have practice to save you from this.

“when is the last time you got up, b-baby?” it was like he was carefully crafting his words together, sewing them into the right order.

“i don’t know,” you sighed. “like maybe around the time i got off, like ten?”

he knew that you got off last night at ten pm and now it was about eight the next day. he didn’t want to freak you out or make you upset, so he kept his mouth shut about the time.

“let’s go take a shower,” he smiled. “okay?”

“i don’t want to get up kurt,” you roll your eyes. “i’m really tired.”

“have you been sleeping?” he asked politely.

“you just woke me up,” you snapped back at him. “i don’t need you to tell me to take a shower when i’m obviously in the middle of trying to sleep, okay?”

he watched as you turned your back on him, his heart sinking at your action.

“what is going on with you? be honest with me please.”

you sat up in a fit of anger, your rolled up sweatshirt sleeves being pulled down by you fidgeting.

“do you want to know what’s going on kurt?” your tone was now louder. “do you wanna know why i haven’t responded to you?”

“yes please, you’re worrying me!” he threw his arms in the air.

“because i’m not worth it and you shouldn’t have to deal with me, ever!” you yelled, eyes starting to leak out pushed back tears. “because all i want is for everything to stop and for everyone to go away. i don’t want to ever interact with another human again, i hate having feelings for people when i know that i’m sick and not worth anything.”

he looked at you blankly, your body reacting by standing up.

“i hate that i worry you, i hate that i moved away from my family, i hate that i’m stuck repeating my days at a job i don’t like, i hate this life. i came here to start over, to find something to live for and all i’ve proven to myself is t-that i don’t want to live and disappoint you. i want to rot away into nothing, i want to die all over again, kurt.”

he was crying, the words you screamed out to him just echoing through the walls. the air was thick as you both whimpered and choked on tears.

“y-you’ve never disappointed m-me,” he kept wiping his running tears. “i’ve never been upset with you t-this entire t-time.”

“but i eventually will,” you yelled back. “i just fucking did. i just fucking did!”

you collapsed onto the floor repeating to yourself that you wanted to die. it was dramatic but it felt like the climax of your week’s breakdown. you hadn’t cried yet, you hadn’t found a reason to cry. you just decided to rot away and barely eat, hold in anything to just be able to lay in bed. you stopped responding to anyone, putting kurt on mute. you wanted this. you wanted to die.

“m’ sorry,” he cried, bringing himself to calm your sobs. “m’ so sorry.”

he dragged you into his arms and you latched onto him, both of your aggressively crying to each other. snot and tears built up on both of you, not even caring and just letting it out.

“i love you,” kurt whispered into your ear over and over.

he let go of your back and pushed you off of him for a moment. you were confused but could barely concentrate on his actions.

“i will make it better,” he said, pulling your hand up as he stood onto his feet. “let’s go take a bath please.”

and you abided because you loved him and he loved you. you spent the next hour of that evening with him cleaning you the best he could. he brushed your hair, picked out clothes, started picking up your room so you could feel less overwhelmed. it was stuff he had done for his mom when his dad would leave for days on end to go do drugs, he knew how to take care of someone, even if it never reflected into himself.

that night he stayed awake while you slept next to him. every once in awhile he leant down to kiss your head and tell you he loved you. he hoped you could hear him in your dreams.

#kurtsworld96 #kurt kunkle #kurt kunkle fanfiction #kurt kunkle fic #kurt kunkle x reader #spree #spree movie #joe keery #kurt kunkle x fem reader #kurt kunkle/reader

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toxic-ship-tournament · 11 months

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OK AT LAST THE PROMISED ESMERALICE RANT

OK SO... THEY BOTH ENDED UP DRUGGING EACH OTHER MULTIPLE TIMES, AS WELL AS KNOCKING EACH OTHER UNCONSCIOUS AND WHILE WHEN POOFENPLOTZ WAS DOING IT(PREBREAKUP) SHE MOSTLY DID IT AS A WAY TO CONVINCE ALICE SHE WAS ENJOYING THE PARTIES AND GROUP STUFF POOFENPLOTZ WAS BRINGING HER TO("I MEAN, DENY HOW YOU GOT SHITFACED DRUNK ALL YOU LIKE, I HAD TO CARRY YOU TO MY HOUSE."(SOMETHING WHICH IS ALSO SPECIFICALLY MEANT TO TICK OFF ALICE BASED ON HOW YOUNG ALICE INTERPRETS PERFECTION)) WHEREAS. ALICE(BOTH BACK THEN AND NOW) MOSTLY DID IT TO KIDNAP OR TAUNT HER. IN ADDITION, ALICE(CURRENT ASSUME ALL OF THIS STUFF IS CURRENT) MIND CONTROLS OR READS HER MIND DESPITE POOFENPLOTZ DOING EVERYTHING IN HER POWER TO BOTH TELL HER TO AND MAKE HER STOP THAT, AND USES THAT CONTROL AND INFORMATION TO BASICALLY BE REALLY PETTY AND DIG AT POOFENPLOTZ, ALTHOUGH SHE ALSO USES IT TO LIKE. TRY AND KILL THE CLOSEST THING SHE HAS TO AN ACCEPTING FAMILY BUT WE'LL GET INTO THAT LATER. ALSO OBLIGATORY "NONE OF THE DRUGGING OR MIND CONTROL GOES IN A NON/DUB-CON DIRECTION. POOFENPLOTZ WOULDN'T WANT TO DO SEX USUALLY ANYWAYS BUT ITS A DEFINITE NO WHEN SHE JUST DRUGGED HER PARTNER, AND ALICE HAS VERY SPECIFIC "RULES" ABOUT MAKING SURE PEOPLE AGREE TO WHAT SHE WANTS IN THEIR "RIGHT MIND" (INCREDIBLY VAGUE USUALLY BUT FOR POOFENPLOTZ IT BASICALLY MEANS "NOT DRUGGED DRUNK OR MIND CONTROLLED") SO"

ALSO ALICE AND POOFENPLOTZ BOTH GAVE EACH OTHER EATING DISORDERS. THAT'S ONLY KIND OF A SIMPLIFIED WAY OF PUTTING IT. ALICE MADE SURE POOFENPLOTZ HAD TO "KEEP UP APPEARANCES" AND POOFENPLOTZ MOCKED HER ABOUT IT ENOUGH THAT THEY BOTH KINDA ENDED UP SPIRALING. IRONICALLY, THIS IS THE ONE SITUATION WHERE ALICE RECOVERED BETTER THEN POOFENPLOTZ. MOSTLY BY PROCEEDING TO GO "ACTUALLY I DONT CARE ABOUT MY EX AT ALL" AND DENIALED SO HARD SHE MANIFESTED NOT CARING ABOUT THAT STUFF EITHER ANYMORE. SHE DID THEN USE POOFENPLOTZS TECHNIQUES WITH A HEALTHY DOSE OF ATTEMPTED CULT LEADER WISDOM TO GIVE OTHER PEOPLE EATING DISORDERS TO INCREASE HER CONTROL OVER THEM. SO.... YUP. ALICE ABSOLUTELY SNAPS AT POOFENPLOTZ ABOUT THE HORRIFIC DOUBLE STANDARD, BUT ITS WELL AFTER IT WOULD HAVE APPLIED AND WHEN ITS IN A SITUATION WHERE ALICE GOT TO HEAL AND POOFENPLOTZ STILL STRUGGLES WITH IT CONSTANTLY? OOF. (ALSO IM SORRY FOR THE JOKING TONE ON THIS I PROMISE I DO TAKE EATING DISORDERS AS SERIOUSLY AS POSSIBLE THEYRE JUST HARD FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT OTHERWISE BC. WELL I DONT NEED TO GIVE OUT PERSONAL INFORMATION LIKE THIS BUT I THINK IF YOU READ THIS BIT ITS OBVIOUS.)

THERES THE USUAL "MURDER FOR EACH OTHER, DEATH THREATS, SUICIDE THREATS, KIDNAPPING, COERCION, ETC" BETWEEN THEM BUT THOSE ARE MOSTLY BASIC STUFF AND IM RUNNING ON ZERO BRAINPOWER AND A LOTTA EXHAUSTION SO ILL SKIP ABOUT SEVEN MORE PARAGRAPHS RN AND GO TO THE FAMILY THING I PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED.

ESSENTIALLY(AT THIS POINT IN THE STORY) POOFENPLOTZS ENDED UP FINDING SOME SORT OF SOLIDARITY AND FAMILY WITHIN MILLIE AND PINKY, ALONG WITH A LITTLE BIT OF SUPPORT AND COMMUNITY W THE OTHER FIRESIDE GIRLS SO FAR. NOW, ALICE HAS A WHOLE THING OF REACHING PERFECTION THAT POOFENPLOTZ EGGED HER ON ABOUT, AND HER CURRENT STEP ON THAT ROAD REQUIRES HER TO BASICALLY KIDNAP MILLIE AND PINKY(PINKY ISNT NECESSARY SO MUCH AS SHE JUST WANTS TO EXPIRAMENT A BIT BUT THATS THE SAME AS NEEDING HIM TO HER), SO HAVING HER HALF EX HALF CURRENT GIRLFRIEND WHOS BEEN ROASTING HER ALIVE FOR ALL THE SHORTCOMINGS AND THINGS SHE CANT STAND ABOUT HERSELF, STANDING IN THE WAY OF THE TWO PEOPLE SHE NEEDS TO TAKE? POOFENPLOTZ IS GOOD AT FIGHTING BUT SHES NOT GONNA SURVIVE ALICE WITHOUT ANY WEAPONS. ALICE BASICALLY USES ALL OF POOFENPLOTZ'S INSECURITIES AND ISSUES RIGHT BACK AT HER, USING WHAT INFORMATION SHE GAINED BY NOT GIVING TWO SHITS ABOUT POOFENPLOTZS BOUNDARIES OR ANYTHING TO BASICALLY KILL HER *JAZZ HANDS*. ALSO KIDNAPPING THE TWO PEOPLE SHE ACTUALLY HAD WHILE SHE BLEEDS OUT ON THE FLOOR. IT ALL ENDS UP FINE NECROMANCY/HJ BUT LIKW. YEAH.

I PROMISE THIS IS A COHERENT NOT GRIMDARK EVERYONE ENDS UP HAPPY IN CHARACTER PHINEAS AND FERB AU. AM VERY EXHAUSTED SORRY IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. THEY'RE BASICALLY THE DEFINITION OF THIS POST

#propaganda post #tw: ed mention #(dw about the ed stuff I get it)

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abysslll · 11 months

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listening to the dazai playlist! forgor if u sent link or not n too lazy to check so im just hoping the "dazai osamu vibes" one is the right one

idk whats been saying in the first song but wooo! woooooo!!!!! adventure!!!!!!!

the GUILT this man has is violent. i am choking on it. but like guilt in a very numb way if that makes sense? hes done horrible things and hes just fucken desensitized by it at this point that he cant even bring himself to feel bad about it, but some part of him still hurts.

anger issues he explodes constantly. very slow work up before it just goes bOOM

revenge. hunting down the people who hurt him

i already know this mfer does not wanna live but ive still gotta mention violently suicidal and self destructive. idk if ive asked but do we know why he has so many bandages?? constantly flipping between killing himself and fucking over life and living

very fast speeding connections in which he gets attached and gets hurt? when he does really connect to someone they mean a lot to him. keeps promises like hell and fuck. he has strong bpd vibes.

religious trauma?

sommmeeeeeetimes a little cuckoo crazy coco puffs. like really insane and violent and overall he turns into someone you dont want to be around. he can disconnect from everything around him easily so at that point, he doesnt care what happens

sexy

boogeying these tunes are so good and i feel like there should be a lot more pure screaming in this playlist like dazai probably listens to screams of anguish while falling asleep

very sneaky scary little man i think he would like guns and should not be trusted around weapons of any time. very smart also.

GET MENTAL HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

walks around in life just really angry and resentful towards everything idk why hes still alive but maybe spite or just pure hate towards everything he cant even bring himself to really die. feels very unloveable and alien (okay fine yes i did read no longer human by the real osamu dazai)

mfer is always wearing a damn mask to please people!!!!!! stop people pleasing!!!!! be normal!!!!! or actually dont i think neither would be very good

his trauma made him angry and mean and unpleasant to be around instead of soft and caring and strong and hes so so angry about that and like. idk what his trauma is but its giving Why Would You Do That To A Kid vibe

fucked up morality. good or bad? who knows!

suuuuuuiiiiiccccciiiidaaaaallll i see you im so tired and last words of a shooting star. feels like all would be best without him around but doesnt really wanna hurt the people he cares about too much (though he wont let himself admit this)

AUHGOAUHGOAUGHAOUGHAOGUHAOGUHUAHGIAUGOUAHGO

reading through this grinning and laughing like a madman YOU ARE SO RIGHT FOR THE MAJORITY OF THESE OPINIONS!!!! i am going to go through and give way too detailed responses to most of this bc i am very normal here we go

numb guilt is SO TRUE for him i don't have a better word to describe his views like there's this scene where he's talking to kyouka and she tells him she can't live anymore because she's killed 35 people and he looks so sad when he says "so what? what's a mere 35 people?" bc hes killed HUNDREDS and he doesn't even really feel bad for it while this girl is in despair from a (relative to him) small amount

no anger issues actually but you've made me REALLY want to see an angry dazai now so i'm gonna have to write that revenge fic 😭

it is not said why he has bandages but there are two major theories in the fandom, one is that he self harms and doesn't want other people to see and the other is that he's actually the Book which is hard to explain concisely but is a reality-altering book that everyone in the series is trying to find. whatever is written in it will become reality so it's a theory that all the writing is on his skin and he's just kinda hiding in plain sight! nobody knows for sure tho

HE DOES HAVE BPD VIBES

he totally does switch personalities in canon, like most of the time he's all cheerful and woo happy go lucky eyehey and then whenever he's facing off against the villains or doing something a lil morally wrong he just completely shuts off any kindness he might have mustered it's fun to see but also yeah. Scarey

he absolutely would just listen to straight up screaming you are so right

crying at sneaky scary little man that is the best description of him i have ever heard and i am going to steal it for dialogue in the fic i'm writing rn. he should NOT be trusted around weapons but for some reason he's like the only guy in the detective agency who has a gun

i think thr people pleasing is better than his true self lmao 😭 idk if he even has a true self at this point tho </3

i almost wish we knew what his trauma was in canon but i prefer it being a mystery bc 1) i quite honestly don't think they could write whatever it was without making it seem underwhelming for his character bc tragic anime backstories are So common and he's so much more fucked up than your average anime character and 2) people write the most horrific fics about their versions of his backstory and i love reading them sm. i want to read them forever

thank you for listening !!!! hope u enjoyed and i will get to peyton's playlist tomorrow if i have time :DD <333

#bat <3 #endless asks #my playlists #<- i THINK that's my tag for this #idk #bsd tag

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zabadi · 2 years

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YAY YOU SAW THE MOVIE OF ALL TIME i need to hear more of your thoughts about eeaao if you're willing to share because. i feel like it's a movie that just like profoundly spoke to me about particular philosophies i have and i see that you also resonated with it

oh man ive had a long day and im still kinda reeling from it to be honest but god such a wonderful movie. its an almost perfect specimen of genre fiction and more broadly metaphor as a storytelling device bc the whole point of genre fiction (to me anyway) is that it uses these fantastical or otherworldly conflicts as metaphors for the most everyday human emotional conflicts. it catastrophizes things as commonplace and simple as a child's wish for their parent's love into a fractured consciousness spanning the infinite universe or a black hole that ruptures the fabric of reality. and even though we as the viewers dont understand what it would be like to deal with a conflict on that scale, the emotions being dealt with through the metaphor of the multiverse are so real and so recognizable that the conflict becomes real and recognizable as well. yeah it's an infinite web of real concrete universes with infinite possible alternate selves but really it's the fundamental diasporic question of What if I never left home? yeah it's a black hole that ruptures the fabric of reality created by a being of godlike power but really it's just a young woman tired of the world and her lot in life contemplating suicide. perfect use of metaphor! literally perfect!

And god the CIRCLES! the CIRCLES. the unending turmoil of a human life. you're never going to get back where you were as a kid but that kid will always exist. life is meaningless and therefore not worth living. also, life is meaningless and therefore worth living. thats something i really loved abt this movie was that like. Materially not much changes aside from evelyn's consciousness fracturing like joy's yk? there's no big sci fi resolution where they return to their home universes and live happily ever after. the circle doesnt break because there's not really a way to opt out of the craziness of your life. you're always going to be thinking about where you were and what you did and what you could've done and no matter how hard you try you're going to make decisions w consequences that you're going to struggle to live with. What matters isnt breaking the circle But there's always a different way to see things. theres the bagel, darkness enclosing light, and theres the googly eyes, darkness at the center of light. i see the good side not because im naive but bc how can i live otherwise? the laundromat represents both the endless tedium of their lives and a haven of comfort and love. Lauryn hill was so right when she said everything is everything

and on a level joy knows that from the very beginning! like she's overwhelmed and depressed and despairing that anything could ever get better bc life is meaningless. but when u look at the performance involved with her shenanigans..like the dancing the makeup the costumes! on a level she knows the meaning of life is just what you make it bc she wouldnt have constructed this elaborate theater around the bagel if she didnt get some kind of pleasure or satisfaction from it. it's fun! it's meaningless but she gets something from it! and of course that's not enough she needs the love and support from the people she loves to actually pull her back from the brink but i just love that from the very beginning she's so desperately human even with this insane godlike power she's just looking for something that makes her want to live

like it's an incredibly overwhelming and busy movie but with everything going on it has such a simple profound center to it which is just. Choose love! choose TO love. choose to be forgiving and kind. Bc love and faith are what give life meaning but they are also things that take immense strength to maintain. life doesnt just have a meaning hidden at its heart waiting for you to find. it takes effort and strength to continue to have that love and faith that make life worth living but literally what else can a person do? how else can a person live? Love must be made anew like bread etc.

and it doesnt feel preachy either! it's easy for such a simple message to come off as an out of touch platitude but the dialogue and the story and the acting and the chemistry btwn the characters makes it all so heartfelt! it's lighthearted without making a joke out of itself! the characters are so human and care for each other so much that when the core of the movie becomes clear it feels so so earnest and genuine it actually settles into you it makes it so easy to empathize with and internalize. in my experience its really hard to share simple but essential truth like "be kind" without seeming preachy or shallow bc its the kind of thing that no matter how many times you hear it only really hits you when you are able to internalize it. and this movie just does a beautiful earnest job of it

im gonna stop bc im too tired to make sense anymore lmfao but this is the first time in years ive watched a movie and it jumped to my top 5 within the first hour. excellent excellent movie i am going to think abt it for the rest of my life

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lorisystem · 1 year

Text

I feel so so miserable and dysphoric in this society ngl. I feel like i need- not even want but need to be in a place thats accepting of me and that makes me feel loved and welcome or at least. Tolerated or something and that i cant get that. I know its my problem bc so many people somehow live being themselves and taking criticism etc. But i just cant deal with unsolicited comments or aggression etc i just cant. Bear to think that people in society might perceive me to be weird. I feel like people cant be normal around the weird and weak, they just turn hostile and try to subjugate us or at best they become patronizing.

I feel like i dont belong to any community at all not even people like me theres always this or that trait that keeps me from belonging fully and no matter what i always feel like im an impostor pretending to be normal.

I know this is my own issue and im too sensitive to what i think people think of me and how they react to me etc and i shouldnt care but i cant help caring it was literally taught to me the hard way. Everytime people have wanted me so much to care about what they think always its so hard to unlearn.

Im at this point in this reaction of flight cycle where instead of trying to figure out how i could possibly find an accepting community im trying to figure out how to not be dependent on society anymore. My fantasies are turning to like going to live somewhere alone and subsisting by my own mean even if it means sacrificing things like comfort or some dignity i would aggressively protect being alone so nobody can come near me and perceive me or anything.

Obviously thats not realistic etc so. But im still thinking i cant help trying to figure how i could do that.

I just feel like i cant compromise- i cant be happy in this situation at all.

So im thinking the other way out is to die- which obviously is a thing i cant do bc some people depend on me and like. Its so so sad to die even though theres still technically hope of getting better. And its not fair. But im getting these urges and its like not even on a conscious level bc ive been suppressing suicidal urges but i have these parasite thoughts idk to do it in a way that makes it everyones problem bc i resent this society (and no individual in particular) so much and i want everyone to know that they failed and they were trash and they hurt me etc. But i cant pinpoint any specific people that i really resent. When it comes down to people who actually hurt me i think they just wouldnt understand (or sometimes care). No matter what i cant make anyone understand me or what i go through and the pain isnt going away.

And i know this is not a good way to feel or to think bc its very selfish and its nobodys fault in particular. And i have this toxic trait of when i feel bad i think its fair that everybody else feels bad too- which is bad and also i hate having this trait cause this is just what my dad does!! So im repressing thoughts like these and i dont talk about this to people around me bc the last thing i want is to actually harm someone especially if i care about them.

But yea i feel like i dont connect to anyone really. I connect to my spouse but i think its only bc we spent so much time together we attuned to each other but still. He is a person n i guess i need unconditional acceptance and love of my whole being- literally everything i do or say and i know its dumb and i shouldnt want it etc

Rationalizing doesnt make it go away though.

This spiraling was literally caused by a call from my landlord's girlfriend bc shes asking me to fill somth that doesnt matter and i shouldnt have to fill it and she was so rude bc i didnt receive her stupid email. As if its my fault?! N like. This is way more interaction ive had with this landlord than i care to have for my entire life. With these neighbors. I hate it here i hate it here!!!!!!! Theres always drama in this building!!!! I want to be left out of it!!!!!!

I feel like my life is just a nightmare that im trapped in. I have to pretend to be a human person all the time and i have to rely on my imaginary world and comfort interests to escape it all the time but when i think about it this is the only thing that makes me feel safe and accepted.

Idk why im struggling so much just feeling human and living with other people. I dont think anything ive been through is enough to justify this level of dysphoria and distress. I didnt ask for this. I just want to be left alone and live my life but that is too much to ask.

Sorry for the rant. Ill be ok though!!!!!!! Idk if anyone else feels like this but when it comes to DID i feel like for me its all about feeling unimaginable amounts of pain and still being able to function and be ok bc everything is kept compartmentalized. So in the end ill be ok n functional but ill hate it the entire time.

Anyway bye.

- ???

#lorisys #tw in readmore.#im too....................... etc to tag for anything im just feel not good. sarrey

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liquidstar · 2 years

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Tell me about your ocs!! What's their names and ages? Do they have a story? What's theur relationship to one another?

THANK YOU FOR ASKING ANON sorry im answering late but i was busy all morning! but i appreciate it so 🥺 ty

i have a buuunch of different ocs and two totally different main ocverses/stories so i think it might be hard to answer all at once though 😅 but actually i do wanna answer with the main group of my newer ocverse bc i dont think i ever really posted abt exactly what all their dynamics are with each other!

just for context and to answer the first question, their story mainly takes place within a guild where they take on missions and eventually they sort of stumble ass backwards into a plot. the main five characters are polaris, saiph, bella, al, and mira! id talk more about them but ive posted abt them before so i dont wanna overexplain ;; i can link their more in depth personal posts if you want though!

but like, as for their relationships which i really do wanna get into, i typed a looot so im going to put it under the cut hehe:

polaris and saiph are besties but polaris wont admit it because shes trying way too hard to appear as more of a loner than she really wants to be. but saiph is like, completely adamant on being besties anyway so it somehow evens out, the fact that he doesnt leave is sort of what reassures her that they are friends after all. typical fire and ice dynamic, theres a balance between them.

polaris and bella are like. both very similar to each other with their tendencies to isolate and repress themselves but in different ways, which makes them sort of resent each other at first, but then at the same time theyre also both able to understand each other and actually help each other and be friends. or maybe...

polaris and al sort of have a relaxed friendship where there isnt as much pressure, al is sort of the reassuring cool factor that's needed for polaris to stay comfortable in the chaos of their group. al also considers her to be a good person to talk to, but since polaris doesnt understand social dynamics as well she had a hard time determining where the line between meddling and helping is. and maybe al feels a bit weird seeing saiph and polaris be besties and realizing that hes not content with having that same dynamic with saiph too... ill get into their whole mess later tho

polaris and mira generally get along very well, but contrary to al, mira's personality can be a bit overwhelming for polaris, its basically an extreme extrovert and an extreme introvert, but that kind of relationship is also one thats important to polaris coming out of her shell. probably because mira is hard to say no to (because half the time shed drag you along anyway).

saiph and bella also have opposite energies in a sense, saiph cant control his emotions while bella represses her emotions, hes always at a 10 when shes always at a 3. bella might find him annoying in a lighthearted sort of way, but she also finds a bit of a vicarious catharsis in his demeanor so she likes hanging out with him. and saiph sort of just looks up to her as their de facto team leader.

saiph and al are. the messiest bitches on planet earth. they both like each other but theyre both so fundamentally insecure in very similar but also different ways that theyre unable to actually, like, even conceptualize of the feelings being mutual. and despite their own feelings for each other their own issues clash a lot with each other- al wants to become strong enough so that he can protect people so they never have to protect him, the concept of people getting hurt on his behalf is terrifying to him. but saiph is incredibly reckless and self-sacrificial (in a way that borders on suicidal) and feels patronized and insulted if anyone tries to take on any of these burdens in his stead. so they clash heads a lot in this regard ESPECIALLY because its the person theyre respectively in love with.

anyway saiph and mira are siblings. though theyre not technically related they are siblings and theyd probably be offended if you ever questioned that fact. they grew up in the guild together, and since theyre close in age they really clung to each other. despite only being a little over a year older saiph still took on the classic protective older brother role, while mira is the cutsie and playfully annoying sister, and shed even play it up for his sake at times.

al and bella are sort of frenemies, in a lighthearted way though. neither of them really take it very far since theyre fairly levelheaded (most of the time), but they still bud heads because they both always feel the need to be in control of any given situation. bella is the team leader so naturally shes in charge, which can make al uneasy and sort of bicker with her, which in turn makes her frustrated at his incorporation. even outside of missions they keep their banter going, usually its light but that doesnt mean they never argue for real either. theyre still friends, but maybe they should voice that a bit more often too.

al and mira generally get along super well but he cannot keep up with her energy, but unlike polaris he like, fully encourages her chaos. she sort of sees him as a good person to just ramble to for hours on end because he’ll just sit and listen. he has no clue what shes talking about half the time but thats okay because he likes her spirit! and she helps balance out his somewhat more cynical characteristics a bit.

bella and mira are besties. their personalities seem sort of opposite on the outside, but on the inside theyre both pretty similar! bella's more edgy demeanor is a facade after all, in her heart of hearts she really is soft, she likes cutsie and sweet things, and despite not showing it she really does like being shown affection. she has a lot in common with mira, so shes sort of able to be herself a bit more around her, she doesnt feel threatened and can put some walls down. they shop at hot topic and claires together.

#finn's ocs

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noxiatoxia · 2 years

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hi its me the dead anon and i would like to share that maybe 2 nights ago i was up rlly late. and i was figuring out what i was going to write back to ur last response to my other ask when i got really tired

in my strange sleep deprived state i was hit with 'inspiration' and opened google docs. within a matter of a couple hours, from 1-2 am, i wrote a pages long fic where kaoru kills himself and hikaru was so upset and made myself cry so hard i passed out.

when i woke up i looked at it and it really wasn't that good?? but at the same time it was and it made me cry again so. theres that. if you were wondering what ive been doing instead of responding

anyway very sorry about dying. ive really wanted to send u asks but ive been stressed out so im not great at coming up with hcs. very uninspired (besides my weird kaoru suicide fic but. yk)

maybe this says something about my current mental state. maybe not. idk

NOOOOOOOOO HAHSJSOKDFJ I SHOULDNT LAUGH BUT THE IDEA YOU WOKE UP FROM A HALF AWAKE DAZE AND WERE LIKE "FUCK I GOTTA WRITE KAORU KILLING HIMSELF" CRIED, THEN PASSED OUT IS SUCH A FUNNY MENTAL IMAGE.

But like I GET IT!!! same shit happens to me. I'm about to sleep but inspo STRIKES and I HAVE to get it on paper. It actually happened last night... Idk if I'll turn the idea into a full fic I'll post but it was a comedic concept nonetheless

The idea of one of the twins dying always kills me bc it's like... SO fucking sad.... the heartbreak is too much for me... i like happy endings... But like, I get it. Sometimes you just gotta write super depressing stuff. I have before.

The idea tho of one of the twins having a nightmare abt the other dying... Oughh. Like some super vivid nighmare that has one of them bolting up in bed panting on the verge of tears, immediately seeking the other twin and hurriedly waking them up to make sure they're still alive.

Like for example, maybe Hikaru waking up a month after Kaoru had his really bad depressive episode that scared the shit out of him. In his nightmare though...things don't have such a happy ending. And Kaoru does what he worried so much about every night in that dream, and he loses his little brother, and it feels so real.

Hikaru wakes up with a really startled jolt and is on the verge of a panic attack. His first immediate course of action is to turn around and nearly shake Kaoru off the bed, panickedly saying his name.

Kaoru of course wakes up sleepy and confused, barely awake as Hikaru begins to squeeze the air out of him with a bear hug. He's mumbling some things Kaoru can't piece together in his tired state, but Kaoru can tell he's really upset...so he just holds Hikaru and sleepily mumbles some reassuring things to him, and it does make Hikaru feel better, just to hear him alive and well...

Also since I'm a sucker for close physical affection between the twins I like to think Hikaru sometimes kisses Kaoru on the cheek. He did it more when they were younger, but he still does it I think under special occasions. I think this would be one of them... He was just so broken up in his dream and it scared him so so badly, so as Kaoru is stroking his hair lazily and sleepily murmuring reassurances to him, Hikaru sniffling as he's trying NOT to burst into tears, he kisses Kaoru on the cheek. Kaoru makes a small confused noise because he isn't expecting it, but he gives Hikaru a kiss back. He basically ends up passing out after that bc he's barely awake as is but Hikaru stays up long after that, holding Kaoru and just listening to his steady, deep breaths and resting heartbeat. Just taking in the fact his brother is still here and alive.

He eventually falls asleep once dawn begins to filter through the curtains.

Also it's okay for not sending asks!!! Life is tough and busy. Your health & happiness is far more important!!! I really love your hikakao and ouran asks in general they are my day's highlight. But I'm here if you just want to send general asks about whatever :) DMs are always open too!

#ILL GET TO UR OTHER ASK A LITTLE LATER I HAVE THOUGHTS ON IT... MUCH TO SAY...#hikakao #ohshc #;noxiatalks2ya

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meat-huge-pain-endless · 5 months

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huge vent post feel free to ignore✌️

tw just in case tho for depression, anxiety, suicide/suicidal ideation, death, disordered eating, drug use, dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization

i need someone to come put a straight jacket on me i ruin everything i fucking touch i don’t want to be a bother but im desperate to be known so i spill my guts just for them to get trampled. and i really do let everyone walk all over me. i assume that every other human being on the planet knows better than me about everything and i will tolerate literally an treatment so long as you’re a little bit nice to me sometimes, or even if you just tell me that you are ill probably believe you. my self esteem is so fucking low plus i can’t ever rlly tell what’s true anymore. my memory is so fucking bad like the amount of times a day i forget what im saying mid-sentence and then forget what i had just said and then forget what i was even talking about in the first place is genuinely embarassing. it’s so fucking humiliating actually like i am so out of it all of the time and i can never tell if it’s bc im dissociating or bc im dehydrated or bc i didn’t sleep or bc i haven’t eaten or bc i forgot to take my adhd meds or bc i hit the pen at 9:30am again or bc i DIDNT hit the pen but i have brain fog from smoking the night before and at this point it’s probably all of it all the time like it is so bad. ive never been worse in my life i don’t think. again i wouldn’t rlly know. all my memories feel a million miles away. im alone in my dorm room rn bc my roommate and our other friend went to our other other friend’s dorm to hang out. if i think about it too hard ill probably start crying. i was crying before they were even out the door.

everyone told me college is where you meet “your people.” the friends you have for the rest of your life. why do i have about 3 friends total (as in i actually hang out with them outside of classes/club meetings/school events/etc) and why do none of them feel like they’re actually my friends. oh wait actually i know why that is. it’s because i don’t feel like im real when im at college. that’s how i felt last year (like school year, and it was awful btw, thought it was the worst year of my life but then this semester happened and now im not so sure) but it just occurred to me that im feeling the same way except this time i wasn’t so alarmed by it bc i got used to it. like this is baseline college feeling for me. the worst part of it all is that everything is actually all my fault. like for real not sarcasm. my anxiety is so fucking severe and i didn’t realize it at all until recently when i started having more frequent panic attacks. i cry most days. i hyperventilate way too easily. i walk thru the world just going about my everyday life with the anxiety levels of an animal being hunted for sport. like literally if i accidentally do something wrong in public like the smallest tiniest stupidest mistake like pushing on a pull door or something i get so embarrassed it like so very seriously and genuinely the idea of people thinking that im stupid or laughing at me makes me want to die like seriously kill myself dead and i cannot overstate that im so scared of what people thjnk of me all the time.

oh and did i mention i also literally never stop thinking? overanalyzing everything i do and say and everything everyone else does and says to me and im always worried that my friends hate me or secretly think im an awful person or im thinking about things that they might potentially hate me for later down the line and sometimes i try to preemptively circumvent that by randomly being like “hey if i ever [insert thing im worried might potentially make them not like me anymore] just know that it’s not because [reason i think it might make them potentially not like me]” OH and i also all the time will ask my friends if they think im a bad person which is like so insane of me actually like why the fuck do i do that THIS IS WHAT I MEANT AT THE BEGINNING!!!! PUT ME IN A STRAIGHTJACKET CUT OFF MY GODDAMN HANDS JUST PLEASE DO SOMETHJNG because no matter what i fucking do i always end up crawling to SOMEONE to beg them for reassurance or tell them something that will make them worry about me (sometimes im not even aware im doing that one!) because i just need someone to care. i need someone to care about me or else im not real. (i feel like i only exist contextually but i don’t have time to get into all that right now). but then i get embarrassed for needing something. the fact that i have needs and wants and desires is the most embarrassing thing in the world. asking for what i want and need is the most mortifying torturous experience in the world. i hate being vulnerable.

i want to be cared for without judgement. i want to stop feeling like i am hard to like and even harder to love. i want to stop feeling tired all the time. i want to stop feeling miserable all the time. i want to feel like im real, like i actually exist. i don’t want to die, but i don’t want to live either. i think the only thing about death that still scares me is the fact that i would have to go alone. but the idea of infinite nothingness sounds like a dream. it’s so loud in my head all the time. i just want it all to stop.

#im sorry y'all #i just needed to put all of this somewhere that wasn't my brain #anyways #i sincerely hope that you are all doing better than i am right now #i'll b ok eventually tho

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sho-minamimoto · 11 months

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Bunch of scattered/unorganized Yellowjackets thoughts (spoilers)

- could not choose between shauna and misty as my faves throughout season 1 but Lottie and Nat really got me in season 2 as well… there’s so many good characters auugghg

- i have NO clue what the heck’s going on with taissa and where her characters going im absolutely stumped. The heck’s up with that man with no eyes I wanna know!!! It feels like they’re building up to something really slowly and taking their time with it

- finding out the woman who directed Jennifer’s Body is an executive producer on the show was really funny that makes so much sense.

- is van going to miraculously survive her cancer bc of how Lottie said the wilderness is pleased with their sacrifice (of nat) and implied how it’s going to reward them?? Since they had a close up of vans reaction to Lottie saying that I feel like that might be a thing that could happen but not sure what else

- Travis is fucking insufferable in season one (thankfully eased up in ssn 2) but I still couldn’t fully hate him bc of his siblingisms with Javi I’m so simple when it comes to siblings LOL… his reaction to seeing Javi’s frozen corpse absolutely wrecked me. And him taking a bite out of his raw heart my god I was FLOORED

- I get why people dislike Misty’s thing with Walter but I can’t bring myself to hate it I want misty to have nice things and a happy freak4freak relationship truly is what she deserves. The perfect ending though would be if both of them find out they’re gay and become wlw/mlm Reddit true crime solidarity. But I can also see them getting split pretty quickly bc of misty dealing with accidentally killing nat

- I absolutely adore the misdirection with some plot threads for example the whole mystery with Travis in season 1 felt like it was building up to a reveal of sorts like who really killed him and why?? What did they want?? Only to find out super early on in season 2 that his death was an accident (but in essence Kind of a suicide) and when Lottie recounts it nat calls bullshit and I called bullshit too bc I thought there was more going on but the more the 96 plotline plays out the clearer it becomes that that really was what happened… like we don’t know the full story of what happened in the wilderness but you can broadly fill in gaps. But it’s still a different thing entirely seeing what actually happened and it recontextualizing everything in the adult timeline you’ve seen prior… there’s no conspiracy Travis wasn’t murdered and all these characters are just haunted to such an extent that becomes clearer and clearer as the show continues

- Did Not care for Kevyn Tan idc that he used to be a goth kid in love with nat he revoked that card when he became a cop and didn’t do anything to stop jay/whatever the fuck that guys name was from preying on Callie… I laughed so hard when he suddenly died completely unceremoniously not gonna lie. I loved it. Wish they killed off that other cop too though

- love coach Scott’s fuck em kids move at the end I was not seeing that coming at all but I was delighted. Gay trying to do the mass burying

- I hope Mari isn’t pit girl simply because she’s so funny she’s such a fucking hater I love her

- am really curious how the rest of the show’s going to pan out over its projected 5 seasons I think the story is a slow burn overall but with a 5 season plan that feels really purposeful… like so far only 2 people have been Eated, one simply by circumstance and the other left to die in a passive way and we’ve yet to reach a point where they actively murder someone With Intent to kill and eat and the escalation to it has been very gradual

- I saw a lot of people complain about season 2s pacing but I felt like it was. Fine? I only started watching the show a few days after the season finale ended so I didn’t wait a week between episodes so it might be one of those things where the pacing issues are lessened when watched back to back but idk

- Doesn’t taissa have senator duties to attend to or something girl has so much to answer to when she gets home from the Lottie cult misadventures

- Also her assistants car is still just kind of out there ?? Left on the side of a ditch?? Girl

- I read in an interview that originally Nat’s dream realm scene in the plane while she’s dying was going to have javi and young nat laughing mockingly to adult nat while she breaks down crying THATS FUCKING INSANE????? GOOD LORD. it didn’t make the cut and part of me wishes it did but also I’m kind of glad it didn’t bc that would’ve been. A Lot. But holy fuck

- I know the likelihood of coach Scott getting hunted and eaten is extremely high but I hope he can last another season at least. He’ll probably be hiding for dear life from the girls who Definitely want him dead now for that stunt he pulled (if they figure out it was his doing to begin with)

- I want to give Lottie a hug

- Jeff is so fucking funny I love a good wife guy. He’s so ride or die for shauna it rules. I want to see more interactions of him and Callie also I found the scene where he tells her abt the wilderness baby heartbreaking but also really sweet…

- It’s wild how much time left there still is before they get rescued how in the hell are these girls going to stay warm for the rest of the winter?? Though now that I think about it since nat knows about it there might be a more active effort to find Javi’s shelter. Or maybe find others similar to it? The impression I got from the pit girl scene was that they split up into smaller groups in different directions (bc of the different symbols hung on different trees) but I may be wrong on that one

- When spring/summer rolls back around and game starts showing up again are they going to be like “ok cool we can go back to being normal humans let’s just never talk about our winter activities again ok.”

- More Caligula next season please

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