#im trying to push myself to do shit

[queenie-blackthorn]

sometimes i feel like i hate everyone

#if i ever say “i hate you” dont take it personally #everyone does stupid shit sometimes n thats fine but its happening sm and im sick of it n i need to speak up #chances are if u see this ur not part of the problem bc ur actually reading the shit i post #the fact that barely anyone realized that i relapsed into sh yesterday is crazy #im not doing this for attention its a fucking cry for help and most of yall are ignoring me #you ignore me when im fine and you ignore me when i need you #what am i supposed to do ffs #do i have to show you my bleeding thighs for you to ask how i am? #do you have to wait until i scream and cry and hurt myself for you to care abt me? #do i not matter unless im hurting? or do i not matter even when i am hurting? #do i have to fucking die for any of yall to realize theres something mentally wrong w me? #fuck you all youre just as bad as my parents #except for the four people who talked me out of spiralling last night #two of which were people i barely/dont know #so yeah maybe try harder n actually ask ur friends how they are #dont push them to the point where they need to be comforted by strangers

[sophiethewitch1]

in my hater era

#sophie speaks #tw vent #like. what. what??? #i do try not to upset anyone with trauma dumping or whatever but sometimes that bites me in the ass because people assume I'm not strugglin #struggling hugely #had one of my most violent meltdowns ever recently and it was after pushing myself to do something #and you know. thats on me #but saying like #im NOT trying?? #i dont want to start any problems but oh my GOD what do you think being sick constantly does to a person #what??? #trying to be a proper adult here but i am quite upset #idk how are you supposed to deal with shit like this #express this has upset you and that you are having a hard time #but then they dont believe you?? #trauma dump it is. hope you enjoy my psychiatrists notes #like im level 2 support needs autistic. i need a little fucking leeway or i genuinely try to kill myself #i KNOW its pathetic i KNOW its weak but my number one priority is keep myself alive #im so tired #ive been suicidal for like 7 years now #my life sucks so incredibly hard and I'm in constant pain and that just #it doesnt make me willing to deal with this shit #cripplepunk core lmao #cripple and im going to kill you #this is just geniunely upsetting #i feel like i need a good cry #i really am so tired #i feel like i just dont want to do this #why am i paying for this? why am i doing this? #if im not enjoying this why the fuck would i do it

[an-assortment-of-forks]

there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.

#today is an absolutely wretched pain day that makes me want to not be here anymore but guess what! #wasted a whole year trying to convince my doctors I was in significant and disableing pain daily and the best they could do #is tell me to go to PT and to wait 6 months and tell them if it gets better #to prescribe some shit like gabapentin or otc pain meds and write me off #tell me they'll get new X-rays to see if it got worse by the summer #disability exists!! specialists exist! good doctors fucking exist!! somewhere!!! I'm sure!! #but here I sit. in excruciating amounts of pain unable to convince any fucking doctors of anything #and that year I spent pushing myself to the limit is wasted bc at the very end of it all only one guy listened to me #and he said no one in their giant ass facility could diagnose me #so I'm back to square one bc I got a new job which means new insurance and new doctors to try and convince again #I just want to be on disability so i can want to be alive again #I'm so frustrated and in pain constantly #what are people like me who have to work 40hrs to afford to live but don't have any family to rely on supposed to do?? #just die? am i supposed to continue to work until im too disabled to move and be profitable unless i get lucky? #bc some fucking doctor finally decides to actually listen??? #ive tried ALL THE DAMN TRICKS TOO. telling them a friend has it and thats how i found out. that my previous doctor was looking into it #etc etc #I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted. #and to know that i COULD BE HELPED. RIGHT NOW. is the worst fucking part #these systems are in place so people like me dont have to fucking suffer. #but i cant even do anything about it bc i have a cat.

[girl-bateman]

my brain is funny sometimes bc it's very incessant with its whole "ur an evil bad person actually" thing, all the while it daydreams abt hosting creative writing programmes for at risk youth as like the ultimate career goal. like... yeah ok. im the devil. sure. let's go with that.

#im not saying im a saint or anythjng #but the whole wretched sould cold heart eternal darkness thing is pushing it atp #like yeah ok ive said some mean stuff before. ive been a little violent in my early teens. but i rly dont see the point of #characterising myself like this when the evidence doesent match up #(me while consoling a client and genuinely trying to help them any way i can): god im the fucking worst. im a demon spawn. i have no soul #(me while daydreaming abt being a stable role model and helping kids with their dreams): literally no one is as evil as me #like ?????😭😭😭 #its time to face the reality that im actually just an averagly complex person who is neither good nor bad #god i forgot... the worst part... i even volunteer #how will i ever keep my cold exterior intact when i do shit like this 😩 #personal

[girlcrushau]

#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/ #but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to. #until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you) #and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text. #i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in. #just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me. #im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest. #and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

[disengaged]

alright anorexia is boring, let’s get yolked

#yeah so i gained 20lbs and started hitting the gym pretty hard two months ago #struggling with weight restoration/relapse urges worse than ever BUT i’m also feeling good about my progress and enjoying myself immensely #honestly didn’t realize how bad i missed lifting #and now that i have time off work i can actually focus on getting my nutrition right (i.e. actually consuming enough protein for once) #pegasus speaks #my face #my ancient ipod camera is shit quality but my abs are starting to show for the first time in like … 1.5 years lol #and im pleased with my anterior/lateral delts! although my pecs need some serious work. wtf #i train chest 2-3x/week and i can still see bones fml #ed ment tw #weight tw #ask to tag #i feel like i’m kind of relearning all my limits. like in terms of physical/mental energy and stuff. idk #doing a lot of research and figuring it out as i go. trying to avoid falling into systemic fatigue etc #as much as i love the gym i do have to compensate in other areas of my life #if i want to push myself this hard then that’s my choice. but like. i need to give up on doing other things. give and take. spoon theory #etc etc etc

[byanyan]

writes one tiny thing and fucks back off

#again I wanted to do stuff today... and again I am just dissociating lmao #the way I just realized that the usual day to day routine in the apartment shifting lately #is possibly what's had me so fucked up the last week or so #everything has felt off balance and I haven't been able to focus and I have been SO emotional #I think that's it. or part of it at least. the usual stability has been knocked around & I'm not coping #with that little realization... I'm really not gonna try to push myself to make words work #gonna just try to take it easy... bc I'm not functioning super well rn #sorry if I end up shitposting or throwing more headcanons out there again this evening #I want to be here sm... my own dumb oc is my hyperfixation so even when I don't have the energy to write... im thinking about Them #ESPECIALLY while I'm feeling like shit lmaoshfjsg #gonna be considering doing an inbox call of some sort later I think... #so I can feel like I'm doing something but I'm maybe less messy on the dash lmaoooo #━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[ozlices]

btw it is our little's chosen birthday today since it's also emu's bday & not a single person has wished them happy birthday even with them being devastated in our discord status so 🙃it'd mean a lot to them to come back from their sad nap to ppl wishing them happy bday

#mine #we're not saying their name or alias publicly on our acc that's pushing it #but like. i got permission from our primary protector to say smth bc they're genuinely devastated & we're all fucking pissed. #like they literally. told multiple ppl when they picked it out. & were already hurt when they didn't wake up to anything #& then made our status a vent & still. not a single person has said anything. like. idk. im rly pissed idek what to do w myself. #they've been put through so much bullshit this yr w being treated like shit & made to feel just as shitty as we all do. it sucks. #we're all pissed & hurt on their behalf & our own & each other's. i just. idk. #like they say u know who ur real friends are when ur hurting & it's like. damn not even our little has anyone who can be arsed #to give a genuine damn & say anything to them when they're crying on their bday they excitedly chose???? & looked forward to??? #they literally were begging & praying to get attention today but instead it's been mostly me & our protector out bc they're so devastated. #idk what to do or say anymore i cant even bring myself to say anything directly to anyone. #im sick of watching not even our little be spared from being treated like shit for being depressed considering the circumstances bruh. #ANYWAY... they're in the back of the headspace taking a nap w another protector to try to cheer up a bit. so. #wish them happy bday and wish them well smth idk just take the load off all this loneliness bc it's suffocating for ALL of us #but it def hurts them the most and it sucks. and im tired. and pissed.

[olliecoded]

everyone is always like yesss dream big ❤️ but it's like. the bigger i dream the more fucking awful i feel. there are so many things that i want so, so, so unbelievably deeply and i KNOW that i'm never ever going to fucking have them. what am i even supposed to do with that. like how am i supposed to make that into something

#sorry this is soooo humiliating its just been on my mind so much lately #because like. the only thing i want to do is professional acting. it's all i want. acting is the ONLY THING i want to do my entire life. #the more shows i work on this year that push me and improve me as an actor the more i remember how this is the only thing for me #and i have a career plan thats not acting but i'll be fucking miserable i know i will #what am i supposed to do. like i KNOW i'm not going to make it as an actor. like i don't have any connections so i'm fucked. #u cannot do SHIT without having a million friends & family members in the film industry already #plus ive already gotten a fuck ton of rejections (<- 2) from local theatres this year so im also probably just a shit actor #so what do i do. literally what do i do!! #ive cried over this a lot lately. i don't know. i'm trying to get over it #it's kind of like trying to get over someone u've loved ur whole life and will always love and will never get to have #except worse #ok anyway. joke's on me i suppose. goodnight before i kill myself #hello world

[sango-obligato]

fucking hell

#ooookay tw for suicide in the tags. just putting that out there #ive been desperately trying to fix things and relationships in the chip fandom #especially with the influx of people breaking off contact with gremlin. theres been a lot of people who've cut her off #i even got in contact with one of her victims through the chip discord. i helped him with his ''experiences with gremlin/apology'' tweet #<- which is up btw. i quote retweeted it on priv but i might repost it here #but i just feel like my efforts are just completely useless #this mindset was what pushed me to defend my friends throughout 2022. but at the same time its how i got into the shit with ''yuzu'' #(quotes cuz yuzu was a sockpuppet. gremlin really thought she could chase me out of the fandom after that shit) #im just too fucking hopeful and too fucking nice #i held hope that there'd be a day where the fandom would be nice again - despite me wanting to kill myself **partially** thanks to gremlin #and in february i **had** to leave if i didnt wanna be dead. im (kinda. emphasis on kinda) back in the fandom now but still #im terrified of talking to people directly about this shit. its taken me a lot for me to open up about this shit to other people privately #especially to the folks in the chip discord. it felt so relieving when i knew i was safe to rant about her and what she did to everyone #ughhhh im yapping about nothing. sorry i sound really annoying about this shit LOL #but i just wanted to chuck my feelings out into the void. its what i do #val being a pissbaby

[silverislander]

gradually learning that coping w my anxiety is gonna require a level of what feels rn like narcissism (but i know logically is not). i have to respond to "what if everyone hates me" with "so what if they do, they can all have bad opinions if they want to, i hate some people too that's just life". going out wearing outfits i like but am nervous about with the mindset of "i look hot as shit and anyone who disagrees is wrong because it's subjective anyways". about half of trying to get over my fear of social situations has been me hyping myself up by telling myself that not only do i have as much of a right to be where i am as they do, someone there is going to be happy to see me for some reason

#also just. its easier to respond with hyperbole? its easier to go in completely the opposite direction bc it still feels funny #same energy as 'i want to die' jokes -> 'im the best person alive' which im also switching up #and trying to combat my paranoia abt someone/something else being in my house with 'so what its my fuckin house and ill kick their ass' #'who gives a shit the world is gonna end someday' flavour of optimistic nihilism also works pretty well for any situation #levi.txt #recovery is weird yall. its fucking weird sometimes hsdhkdfsjl #a lot of this comes from past bullying but i remember as a kid having the thought that i was too selfish bc of the churchs teachings #and it was shit like. wanting junk food when i wasnt allowed to have it. being honest abt how i felt abt my looks/talents #putting myself/my comfort first before letting people push me around. not always agreeing with my parents #and i decided to purposefully work on that by basically putting myself last as often as possible #like i was A Child committing to basically a vow of self deprecation. i was seven years old. needless to say it was a bad decision #so yeah its gonna feel like unbelievable levels of self aggrandizing behaviour #but if thats what it takes to get me to healthy levels of self love then whatever im gonna do it! im not even hurting anyone

[orcelito]

Had a moment of "Why do I feel so melancholy haha" and then I remembered that my uncle literally died yesterday

I've been compartmentalizing like crazy I guess

#speculation nation #negative/ #death/ #we arent holding the funeral immediately bc he wanted his body donated to science #so im still in colorado and im just. here for the duration of my trip. #trying to enjoy myself. doing some insane emotional acrobatics to stuff that shit Down #helps that it doesnt really feel real. im all the way over here. all i have is the word of my sister to know anything's different. #so im here. im existing. even acting approximately normal. #but things still feel a bit off-kilter. the stress lines of a container being pushed further than it should be. #and a passive longing to be with my family. #im going to be meeting my girlfriend's family today. just as we'd been planning. #and it feels a little wrong. the wrong family for me to be going to. #but im not Going to that family. im going to this one. bc that's what we had planned. #backing out wouldnt get me to see my own family today. so im staying true to my promise. #i just might end up a Little emotionally exhausted from the effort of pretending everything's fine haha #im good at it though. i really am very good at it. #also helps that i knew this was coming. with Cassy it went down in a matter of days. #i knew he was Dying an hour before it happened. it was abrupt and frankly kind of traumatic bc of it #just like with Sammy. #with my uncle it's a deeper level of serious. a deeper change to the foundations of my life. #but... ive known this was happening for almost two months now. it was a rapid decline but i'd already started grieving. #spending the past few weeks visiting and preemptively grieving. watching him decline more and more. #seeing him two days ago and seeing how Bad it was. and knowing he didnt have much longer... #i knew it was going to happened. id hoped it wouldnt happen until after i was back from my trip. #but he's gone and im still here. and the plans move on. #time to compartmentalize and forget. at least until i'm alone again.

[bluewinnerangel]

I like your mfasr / Halloween video idea but I think harry doesn’t like halloween enough to do that. But then again who knows with this man 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was just thinking if i had a previous very elaborate story about befriending a fish.. and then go on to write a song about a sushi restaurant.. and it's the end of october.. yk im feeling that

#i have a pen i have an apple - UH! #im getting ahead of myself now because its really just >my< thought.. but i think it would also be playing with #absurdity. like the absurdity of our society.. in which the way we treat animals is one for sure. although i doubt hes one to focus on it. #in his daily life. but i mean that playing with absurdity is absolutely something up his alley #i am lacking a better description of it. #so for that reason i see him do this.. perhaps also leaning hard into halloween like some kinda selfmocking like hes fallen into some yearl #harryween obligation he never really actively pushed or whatever. im not basing this on much except him never really being vocal about this #being his thing or whatever... like.. hes.. always making fun of shit tht goes over peoples heads #and i think making people uncomfortable in a way in a subtle way that you cant put your finger on it is part of his work as well #so .. it fits within my idea of him i guess i m trying to say #these are absolutelyhalf a dead braincell rambles like i amnot thinking rn i am asleep so excuse this entire thing #its really just a hypothetical possibility what if thought

[depresseddepot]

don't know how to describe it without metaphors. audhd feels like I have 10 strings hooked into my body pulling me in opposite directions and leaning towards one string to try and "fix" that problem (cooking, cleaning, classwork, etc) just makes the other strings pull tighter and hurt more. this point of this whole post is to explain that when I see someone older than me who also struggles with exactly the same things to the same extent that I do, it makes a couple of those strings loosen and stop pulling. not forever, because they always start pulling again, but having the expectation lifted of needing to have a "normal functioning life" by age whatever is so nice. everything still hurts but for now at least that part of my brain can rest.

#i understand how the reverse can seem too #but idk. its always been such a weight off my shoulders #probably in part for selfish reasons but it helps me like. slow down #like i cannot solve all of my problems tonight. i probably can't even solve them in the next 20 years #so i can slow down. other people are alive like this. other people make their lives work like this. i can do it too #i need to be medicated so fucking badly but i can't until im off my parents health insurance #and even then im so scared it'll make my autism symptoms harder for me to deal with and ill like. lose my job or something #but i can't fucking live like this so idk what to do! lmao! #ive been trying to pay closer attention to my anxiety and stress lately so i can pinpoint causes and like. try to stop them #but all ive learned is that i am never Not stressed. #if my room is cleaned im not eating well. if im exercising well im not cleaning well. #if im on top of classwork im not taking care of myself at all. etc etc #it is always a push and pull. i can't just solve these problems #because i have to clean well and eat well and exercise often and sleep well and cook often and socialize often and work hard and save money #and and and #im always not doing something to make room for something else and bc of that i will ALWAYS have those strings pulling me so tightly it hurts #i know in my head how i can loosen the strings but that all comes at the expense of living like a ''normal'' person #i will have a dirty house. i will have lots of canned and frozen foods. i will leave my house for work only. #im so tired my bones hurt. my strings are tight again and classes are starting again soon and my room is a mess and i ate like shit today #and i havent excersized in a while and im not showering as often as i should and im drinking too much and im sleeping too much #im so tired #vent #sorry #i feel like i need to curl up and die. like my body is sending some signal that there isn't much more i can fucking take #and that this continuous pushing and struggling and picking up the pieces is worthless #i feel like that blood robot. im old and rusted and slowing down and i have achieved nothing #i will die having not achieved anything and i will be struggling until my very last second #i shouldn't have been the twin that survived. they would have been so much better than this

[mudstoneabyss]

so much of my blogging whenever I have classes is complaining about them but erm. in my defense they're stressful and overwhelming

#So ermm to vent a little bit #i dont know how to do anything on my own so the expectance for me to be able to for these classes is a lot #Like for this thing i need to write an essay outline based on an introduction paragraph only. which i think? means i have to find sources #for the details on my own. which i dont know how to do #i do know /technically/ but i dont know whats good information and trustworthy sources and also there's so much stuff to sort through #i was never taught how to do it and now when i try its just. confusing and frustrating and exhausting and makes me too upset to even keep #trying to work #and im not even sure what all of these points in the outline means because where it probably wouldve been explained was the lecture which #was canceled and the powerpoint for this week doesnt cover it #and there's the textbook but textbooks are nothing to me i cant process and retain information from them #which hey sucks for my online classes that are wholey based around teaching yourself from the textbooks #(but i cant do in person classes due to transportation reasons + mental health reasons) #but augh #im such a guy who cant do anything by myself and getting the amount of help i need isnt an option idek how to ask for any amount of help #like yeah email my professors but tell them what? i dont know how to do the class i signed up for? #that i dont know how to do basics 101 school shit? like im confused about some of the work and by some i pretty much mean all #and eaugh its not a frustration i can push through because trying to push through it just makes it worse it tips past #''oh idk how to do this. fuck'' #into ''oh god i dont know anything about how to function im literally worthless'' #which. i think i said earlier? makes it so i cant. work on anything anymore. #but also its not an option for me not to work bc i cant fail bc ill be expelled or whatever and charged money and what then #joyousposting #negative // #anyway sorry for getting suicide ideation over school back to regularly scheduled blorboposting or whatever