#im supposed to be doing work but here I am

[erwinsvow]

i’m definitely projecting BUT i genuinely feel like shy!reader would have wavy hair and be so insecure about it (even tho it’s so pretty) so it’s always straightened but i just know if rafe saw it he’d fall even deeper in love with the girl!

oh 100%. lets project together angel why not. if you dont have wavy hair pls look away im sorry. but i do have wavy hair that i straighten all the time so ! you sent this to the right bitch

your hair, though you've been told so many times was pretty either way, is usually straightened several times a week, if not daily. it's easy to fall into the trap of preferring it sleek and shiny than the waves that were pretty for the first day, frizzy the next, and somehow constantly clashing with the outfit you selected for the day.

you thought straight hair was easier, looked better, went with everything. even if it wasn't true, you had bought into it for long enough, your blowdryer and flat iron your two best friends.

the first time rafe met you, your hair had been straight. it was that way on your first date, as well as your second and third, as well as every sleepover at tannyhill or early morning drive to watch the sunrise at the beach. he'd never seen your hair any other way, not realizing there was, in fact, another way for it to be seen, until today.

you and rafe had spent the first hour of the morning rolling around in his bed at tannyhill, working up a sweat, which then was washed off in the shower together. rafe gets out first, listening to his phone ring repeatedly in the distance. you finish up, washing your hair and turning the water to the hottest setting now that rafe wasn't there to complain.

when you walk back to rafe's room, he's on the bed, still on the phone. you try to dry yourself off and get dressed without giving him too much of a show, settling for one of rafe's old frat shirts and using another shirt of his to start drying your hair. he looks at confused, but you don't say anything, knowing he's still on the phone. you need at least a minute to explain cotton t-shirts and scrunching to him.

rafe finally hangs up the call with barry while you rummage through your overnight bag, realizing your flat iron and blow dryer were left behind on your bathroom counter, a result of finishing up your hair for your date yesterday.

"is sarah home?" you ask, looking up at rafe.

"don't think so. and didn't i give you a towel? why's my shirt on your head right now?"

"i forgot my hair stuff at home."

"oh," he says, walking back to his dresser and returning with something in his hand. "here." he hands you a hairbrush.

"what am i supposed to do with this?"

"you said you needed hair stuff. uh, you're welcome."

"i have a brush, rafe. i meant my dryer and my iron. do you think sarah would be mad if i used hers? is that weird, though?"

he didn't think it was that serious, but you look more upset by the second.

"what'd you need that shit for? we're not going anywhere until lunch. it'll dry by then." you stand up, taking the hair out of his shirt and trying to salvage whatever waves remained.

"i wanted to wear it straight for the club, though. my outfit, it looks better with straight hair-"

"huh?"

"and i didn't even detangle or use that conditioner, it's all at home. ugh." you keep scrunching, going to the mirror and taking a look. rafe follows behind you, eyebrows knitted in confusion while he takes a piece of curly hair between his fingers. it's pretty, the way it falls around your face and certain pieces are curlier than others. you look pretty like this, though he's sure you look pretty any which way.

"how come i didn't know your hair's like this?"

"um, i like it flat. do i have to go to the club like this?"

"i like it. s'pretty. c'mon, leave it."

you turn to face your boyfriend. like everyone else, he's just saying it to be nice.

"will you take me home to grab my stuff? please?"

"if you really want it, kid, but i think you should leave it," rafe says, bringing his hand up to your hair, stroking the pieces by your face, twirling a wave around his finger. "c'mon, for me?"

you hesitate, looking up at your boyfriend.

"but i wanna look nice for the club."

"the fuck are you talkin' about? you always look nice."

"but it's not as nice. it's messy. i like it-" rafe interrupts you, bringing his hand to your jaw the way he always does, squeezing tight but not too tight.

"stop. it looks nice. stop overthinkin' it. got it?" you nod. "s'nice. you should wear it like this more often."

"sure. whatever you say."

"that's right."

#btw is this the same anon who sent another ask in the pink font? my pink anon? #also im so sorry if this wasnt what you wanted its just what came to mind ! #rafe cameron #rafe cameron x reader #shy reader

[grandestheart]

𝐤𝐞𝐲𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬 - grayson x lyra

request from @mariamluv

-.- It was three am. Lyra kane was searching the Hawthorne island mansion for any clues for the game. She shouldn’t be up this late, all contestants were supposed to head back to there respective rooms at eleven, but most nights, Lyra would sneak out to look, it was the only time she could search without the other players on her tail.

She shone the flashlight around the hallway. The Hawthorne mansion was gorgeous, it had beautiful gilded hallways, and chandeliers decked with crystals. Her socks gently padded down the hallway until she stopped at a door. It had no decorations, it was just a tall, dark wood door. It immediately looked out of place. Lyra rested her hand against the gold door knob, and pushed it open.

The door creaked open. The room was dark, the only light came from a small window the moon shine through. In the middle of the room, a huge grand piano stood. Lyra walked towards it, she ran her fingers against the edge. She hadn’t played piano in years, the last time she had played was when she was at her dads. Before he’d died. Positioning herself onto the stool, lyra pushed the piano cover open.

Slowly, her muscle memory started to kick in, her hands started playing the keys. She let memorys flood back to her, her and her father sat at his barely working piano, him teaching her how to play chords. Some days, she wanted nothing more to be with him for just one more minute. The song slowed to a stop, and lyras eyes opened, she took deep breaths, trying to gather herself.

Somebody cleared their throat behind him, Lyra spun around. It was the gamemaster, grayson. “Gamemaster, what are you doing here?” She hurriedly, pushed closed the piano. “I could ask you the same thing, you’re not supposed to be here.” Lyra walked towards him, “I- I was just looking for clues, sir.” Grayson nodded. “You play beautifully.” Lyra was taken aback, “what are you talking about?” Grayson ignored her and made his way to the piano. “The piano. You play it beautifully.” Grayson lifted up the cover, “oh, I- uh thank you Grayson.” “You know, this used to be just outside my room.”

His room? Like in his castle in Texas? “This piano?” Lyra raised an eyebrow, “yes,” Grayson turned towards her, would you like to play with me?” It couldn’t hurt, Lyra shrugged, “sure.” Grayson sat at the piano, gesturing Lyra to join him. “So,” she asked, “what can you play?” Graysons face stayed serious, “anything, just play something and I’ll join in.” Ok… Lyra started to play random notes, practically composing her own song, soon enough, Grayson joined in, quietly humming under his breath. When the song finished, Grayson turned to her, his mouth only inches away from hers. “How did you learn to play?” Grayson asked her with the slight tilt of his head. Lyra look down, “my dad taught me.” She looked up at Grayson. “When he was alive. Obviously." She felt a single tear run down her cheek, and then another.

Grayson lifted his hand to her face, "I-im sorry, I shouldn’t have asked, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Lyra backed away from Grayson, “no it’s ok, you didn’t know.” Grayson wiped the tears away from her cheek, he cupped her face. He isn’t going to kiss me is he? But he did, he leaned towards her and pressed his lips to hers. His kiss was gentle and rough at the same time. Lyra kissed him back her two hands came to rest on his chest. Grayson broke the kiss first, but he didn’t push her away, he pulled her into his chest, stroking her hair and kissing her forehead.

They spent the rest of the night in the piano room, Grayson only left to prepare for the next day of the game. The next morning, it was like the night before never happened.

-.-

#the inheritance games #grayson hawthorne #book writing #the grandest game #lyra kane #grayson x phone girl #phone girl #grayson x lyra

[f4iry-bell]

Grayson x reader argument angst/comfort

dates and bags

this was supposed to be in my current series but I've decided to stop it and so it's here!! idk if it'll come under comfort tho because it's just vvv little confort but YEAH!!!!!

It has been exactly a month since things started becoming a bit serious with Grayson and her. A month of pure contentment. But it didn't last long, it was like someone was praying for them to seperated because Grayson started being distant. Everyday phone calls became text messages, text messages became one word reply or being left on read. Weekly dates or just them going out together became rare. He barely answered her calls, he'd text her ‘im bust’ after ignoring her calls. At first she believed that he was actually busy with work, after all he had his own life. But how long can one stay busy? Probably Grayson Hawthorne but this time Grayson Hawthorne has a girlfriend or whatever they are right now. A serious commitment.

It took her three phone calls and use of imperative sentences to convince him to meet her at a cafe they used to meet. Neither of them spoke much once Grayson arrived at the cafe late. 

“So, how are you doing?” She asked him with a bland tone. 

“Fine” He replied with an aloof tone.

“Are you sure?” She asked with her eyebrows raised. 

“Yes.” 

“Then why have you been acting like an asshole to me all week?” She snapped.

Grayson was taken aback by her snapping. But he kept his cool. “No need of vulgar language to resolve whatever silly reason you're mad at me for” 

“Silly reason?” She scoffed.

“I don't think I have done anything for you to be this mad” He said.

“You've been distancing yourself from me and ghosting me for a week!” She tried hard not to yell.

“I told you, I have been busy. Plus, I do answer your texts.” 

“No, you don't. You say ‘ok’, ‘i'll text you later’, ‘i’m busy’. You don't answer me.” She cleared it for him.

“I thought you'd understand that I'm a busy man, I don't have time for you all day”

“But you did when we met! If not all day, you had time for me for at least an hour. Now you can't even spare me a minute” She breaks down, the anger now turning into hurt.

Instead of giving her a reason, a real reason. Grayson tried to leave. “Look, I don't have time for this. I'll talk to you later,”he said.

“Screw this. Don't bother. If you even bother enough to think about me.” She stood up, grabbing her bag and taking out a bill to pay. “I'm out of this. I'm done” 

“What do you mean?” He asked as he watched her move out of their table.

“You know what I mean.” With that the one romantic relationship that worked out well for Grayson ended.

_

She tried not to think about Grayson and how he used to treat her, she tried not to care at all so she wouldn't be hurt. But she failed every time. It has been exactly four days since she called it off and blocked his number, not that she was expecting him to call or text. At 1 in the morning someone knocked on her apartment door. She walked out of bed and started to think whether or not to answer the door, it's 1 am, who could it be? 

Sighing she opened the door just 3 inches to see who it was while holding a broomstick behind her. She was surprised and angry to see who it was. 

“Grayson?”

He smiled. “Hello, love” She can smell the alcohol in his breath.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, and she noticed he was still holding a flask. How much did he drink?

“I missed you” He looked at her how he used to.

“Well keep missing me, cause I'm not talking to you. Go back to your place” She said and was about to slam the door but stopped when he gagged like was going to puke. 

“Sorry about that. Anyways, you look so beautiful,” he commented with a cheeky smile. Her anger only grew.

“Did you drive here?” She asked and he nodded. “Are you stupid? Driving while you're this drunk?” She asked, followed by an annoyed scoff.

 She shook her head and asked him to book a cab and go back to his place again, when he tried to get closer to her he almost lost his balance.

“You're so frustrating.” She said and grabbed his arm to help him inside her apartment, she helped him to sit on the couch and went to grab a glass of water for him. When she came back he was drinking from the flask again, she snatched it from his hand and handed him the glass. “Drink this”

“Thank you” He drank it. “Shouldn't you be mad at me?” He asked. 

“I am.”

“Then why are you offering me water?”

“So you can sober up and leave”

“Wrong. Because you're nice,” he said. “Too nice. Too pretty, too adoring, too passing, too considerate” He kept going.

“All that and yet—” Grayson cut her off mid sentence by talking.

“I told my brothers about you” He said. “And what happened”

“What did they say?” She tried not to think that Grayson told his brothers because he thought he messed up.

“They called me an idiot” He smiled.

“You are”

“I know. They also said you deserve an explanation. I guess that's why I'm here” 

“Go on, explain”

“Like I said, you're just too good. Too good for me, I don't deserve you but I decided to be selfish when I asked you out. But I started to panic because I was getting attached to you, I thought this would just be a fling but it was becoming so much bigger. It wasn't supposed to be like that for me, I can't stay selfish for a very long time. If you know my family history you'd hate me.” He explained.

“You think you don't deserve me? Grayson, I'm not special. And that is no excuse to distance yourself from me. Do you know how much you've hurt me? And I don't care about your family history, I liked you for you. You as an individual.”

“You liked me? You don't like me now? I understand. It was a false hope for thinking you'd still like me, I did act like an asshole to you” He let out a fake chuckle.

She thought for a moment before speaking. “I still like you, you know. You can't dislike someone just like that, especially someone like you.” She said.

Grayson blinked “You do?”

She nods.

“Does that mean you'd be willing to forgive me? My brothers said I should at least try and ask you for another chance” He asked.

She rolled her eyes. “First of all you didn't apologise yet.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For pushing you away because I hate myself and can't allow myself to have nice things” 

She sighs. “It's gonna take a lot more than a drunken apology.”

“So you'd be willing to try?” He asked with a hopeful smile.

She shrugged. “Now come on, let's get you to bed.” She said and took his hand, and laid him on her bed. “And don't you dare puke on my sheets” She warns.

He moved to the corner giving her some space, she climbed next to him and he wrapped his arms around her. “Is this okay?” He asked.

“It's fine.” She said, totally not bothered by his touch.

After five minutes of silence she spoke. “You know, you deserve to be loved. I don't why you think you don't, but you're a nice person, Grayson. And if you let me, I might fall in love with you”

“Thank you for saying that. Also, take back what you said earlier.” He said.

“What?”

“When you said you're not special. Because you are, to me.”

 She turned to his side. “Don't sweet talk me. You owe me multiple dates before I officially forgive you”

“Just dates?”

“And a bag, maybe.”

“Dates and bag it is then”

She smiled. “You're really good at pushing people. But this better be the last time. Okay?”

“Yes, ma’am” 

#grayson hawthorne #the inheritance games #the brothers hawthorne #jameson hawthorne #xander hawthorne #avery kylie grambs #nash hawthorne #the hawthorne brothers #avery grambs #the grandest game #grayson hawthorne x reader

[theshippirate22]

my wife (ao3 volunteers) has just gone into labour (working to end the ddos attack) and i, but her poor husband (a desperate fanwork consumer) is left pacing the hospital waiting room (refreshing twitter hoping for updates)

#ao3 #im about to go batshit crazy #how THE FUCK am i supposed to sleep without a little treat #a treat where i act abnormal about men kissing #cmon y’all 😭😭 #god bless those volunteers though they out here doing the lords work

[absurdumsid]

guys the classical music isnt doing it i need to punch someone in the face

#im. im. i i i i #i cant stay still #i want to do something #i donfornfjnfnendnskskd #im going insane #im going absolutely insane #WHY ARENT THEY GIVING ME WORK #I CAME HERE TO WORK ?? #THERES ONLY THREEISH HOURS LEFT #im fucking sobbing ive never wanted to work more badly in my life #i cant stay put like a fucking DOG when im not WAITING FOR ANYTHING #THERES NOHING #NOTHING #HWTA THE FUCK !!!! #HWAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO #SIT HERE AND STARE ?? #WHAT THE FUCK #sid rambles #not even a vent this is too LIGHT for a vent im just going insane #idk man #cw violence

[ladybeug]

I'm desperate for more taylor swift miraculous content, if you need an excuse to self indulge this is me begging you to please indulge

HAHA well I DID need an excuse to self indulge and now I have some taylor swift miraculous content for you. But it's SO self indulgent it might not be what you were asking for

Bejeweled has been sending me back to an AU I had like 4 years ago

TLDR, chat noir disappears after they kill hawkmoth, due to realizing they killed his dad and understandably freaking out. He skips town, effectively abandoning Ladybug without explanation. There's still monster to fight for whatever reason (its not a robust au) so she feels crazy about it and misses him and is SO mad at him and has nobody to talk to about this heavy issue and so she packs it all up real tight and starts dressing nice and kicking ass and acting like she doesnt NEED a partner she can do it ALL HERSELF and also she can be HOT BY HERSELF and doesnt need to be VALIDATED by CHAT NOIR ITS FINE DONT TALK TO HER

I love bejeweled for this AU because it's got the meaning of like, I'm still hot without you and thats how I tell myself i'm worthwhile, but then also she is still wearing the miraculous jewels and being a superhero even without him and she is doing JUST FINE THANKS.

And she is also going out to bars wearing a chat noir mask DONT ask her why she hasnt fully processed it. But this AU at its heart was really just an excuse for me to draw marinette as a pretty lady in ladybug + chat noir themed outfits

so uh

hope this helps

#content for me only #but man what a good song for the au #also i drew this instead of doing ANY of the DATM work I was supposed to do today WHOOPS #and im not doing any next weekend either bc thats birthday weekend #so my poor webcomic is suffering here #but im having fun #my art #also my god i am rusty at drawing this was painful #miraculous ladybug #strangers in the bright lights

[thisloev]

spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me

#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason #the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2 #i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head #and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet #and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay #he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all #i have no idea what he has that i don't #but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about #not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me #not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act #im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough #for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away #from my sociopathic parents #and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough #but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d #exams #and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then #never cry #i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really #trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing #oh god this is now a ventpost #mes

[fvedyazai]

fvedya . can you PLEASE elaborate on the icelandic penis mueseum that you casually mentioned in the tags . im literlaly begging

YES I CAN

(um i talked quite a bit and i think some people may want to opt out of hearing about this soooo its under the cut)

ok so theres this museum in iceland called the 'the icelandic phallological museum' that features penises. HUNDREDS of specimens' species' penises its so crazy. including whales!! whale penises are wild, a lot of people mistake them for monsters in the ocean (tbf, in grainy photos, they do look like the lochness monster. but no, they're just cocks.)

the museum also has a bistro called the phallus cafe and bistro where you can get penis waffles. and theres a gift shop with penis themed wares.

the penis museum is looking for human donors last i heard. its been a while since i checked in on the museum so take it with a grain of salt, but they have a human penis on display but its really small and sad due to poor conditions and a bad detachment process so they are supposedly looking for a bigger and healthier one!

anyways its like my dream to go there (and omg if i could work there- thatd be so cool!!)

anyways heres the website theres not many photos and its not really explicit or anything (they got to be professional on the internet ykyk) but the waffles look soooooooo yummyyyyyy omg

#TYSM FOR ASKING #my friend is taking a marine biology class and mentioned how they were weirded out by a whole chapter and whale reproduction #and i went into a whole spiel about this museum #listen they chose this. they chose to be friends with me. #also omg im craving those waffles so bad. ive had a penis cookie before when i was in the castro (san francisco gay neighborhood) #but penis waffles??? thats amazing #its so hard when you have interests that ur obsessed with but u cant talk abt it #like the sex work industry and disability-friendly sex toys and leathermen #like how am i supposed to explain that one of the only things id be interested in engineering is safe sex toys like?? #(grrrrr i hate the prude american culture here ughhhhh) #ummmm ok how do i tag this #the icelandic phallological museum #fvedyasks #im so sorry everybody else

[sophsicle]

not my delulu ass thinking that’s wolfstar

*shrugs* *holds up hands*

y'know?? y'know? Y'KNOW, , ,

#who is to say #could be #could not be #could maybe possibly be or not or yes no perhaps #ok i have work to do im not even supposed to be here #i am too easily distracted #soph rambles #kyd

[icewindandboringhorror]

I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent

#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little #bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the #very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the #house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks #Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a #gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a #treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of #color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration #like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a #auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies #so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk #and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver #but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and #sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an #active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have #been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start #to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've #done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!' #(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks #with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm #secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool #stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers #me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or #it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for #too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been #investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely #enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed #google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj #LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!

[indigodawns]

.

#been sitting here for 1.5 hours now trying to decide if i should go see my friend as promised #or not. basically i texted earlier like heyy sorry can we do tomorrow im all over the place (mentally extra unstable*) i don't wanna #make you deal with that #but she said she might not be able to do tomorrow and she's told me she hates when ppl cancel bc so many ppl have been #cancelling on her and yk. feels bad. so i really should go but im also just. ??? #idk what it was but today is just so not it ive been crying a bunch and barely working and i v much needed #my noise cancelling headphones on the train and then i just kept them on for 1 #and then i just kept them on when i got home and ive just been on my bed scrolling and trying to decide dhsjsjdjd #yes i was supposed to work 8 hours today 💀💀💀 #so that's the other part like if i go see my friend i know tomorrow will probably be rougher and i also need to work then yk #ugh anyways i should go we can just chill im sure #* headphone context for myself bc im just like 🤨🤨 am i just kinda sad and tired today or do i really need to rest #anyways. Thoughts? dhsjjdjdjd #other context is that my friend rly isn't doing good at all and i haven't seen her in a week and it's been #even longer since we could talk 1 on 1 #like 2 weeks rip #maybe i just need food tbh ive mostly had sugary stuff today rip

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought. #i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper #thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times #like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks. #nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she #was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled #a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where #you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder? #but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what #then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student. #everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have #and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my #leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but #i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying #my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound #by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting #better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that #and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path. #one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do #what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it. #maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for. #unrelated

[an-assortment-of-forks]

there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.

#today is an absolutely wretched pain day that makes me want to not be here anymore but guess what! #wasted a whole year trying to convince my doctors I was in significant and disableing pain daily and the best they could do #is tell me to go to PT and to wait 6 months and tell them if it gets better #to prescribe some shit like gabapentin or otc pain meds and write me off #tell me they'll get new X-rays to see if it got worse by the summer #disability exists!! specialists exist! good doctors fucking exist!! somewhere!!! I'm sure!! #but here I sit. in excruciating amounts of pain unable to convince any fucking doctors of anything #and that year I spent pushing myself to the limit is wasted bc at the very end of it all only one guy listened to me #and he said no one in their giant ass facility could diagnose me #so I'm back to square one bc I got a new job which means new insurance and new doctors to try and convince again #I just want to be on disability so i can want to be alive again #I'm so frustrated and in pain constantly #what are people like me who have to work 40hrs to afford to live but don't have any family to rely on supposed to do?? #just die? am i supposed to continue to work until im too disabled to move and be profitable unless i get lucky? #bc some fucking doctor finally decides to actually listen??? #ive tried ALL THE DAMN TRICKS TOO. telling them a friend has it and thats how i found out. that my previous doctor was looking into it #etc etc #I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted. #and to know that i COULD BE HELPED. RIGHT NOW. is the worst fucking part #these systems are in place so people like me dont have to fucking suffer. #but i cant even do anything about it bc i have a cat.

[mirandaputsherbestbuttforward]

i am weirdly calm despite being stressed about my upcoming deadline for my 2nd comp exam.

I'm not as outwardly anxious because I've passed my first comp and now know more of what my committee expects.

However, I've got a ton of editing on the draft for the first question and I have today until Sunday to get it done (the 2nd essay is in a much more coherent state - it just needs to be edited down rather than rearranged, thankfully).

At least this time I'm not grinding my teeth in my sleep; just tossing and turning and having weird dreams from all the excess caffeine that I'm consuming in order to dial in my (supposed) ADHD.

#i say supposed bc i haven't gotten an official dx yet but #the signs are there. (and I compare w all my 26-32ish year old female friends (including my gf) who are diagnosed #and the signs are SIGNING. #personal #anyway. im just venting here but i am doing laundry and working through the pain of a bad shoulder #but i am working!!!!

[arts-i-enjoy]

AHHHHHH

#this post brought to you by: me #i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses #i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP #like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready #anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT #and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk #and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message #even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL #AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!! #i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year #i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17? #ive had a good well paying job since i was 18. #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job #which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind #so theres no point staying here. #i might never have this kind of job security again. #but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something #on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now #on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT #but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to #richard started yelling and swearing el oh el #might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible? #but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option #the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going #idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks #this is why i want to get out of here #also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about #not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey! #if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!

[crowkip]

Would you ever be so inclined to draw a pretty girl Dick Grayson?

BROO DONT EVEN TEMPT ME IM GONNA END UP DRAWING ALL OF THEM

#she'd be SO pretty #i just know her hair would be perfect like even after doing a bazillion backflips off buildings n shit ok #also i gotta give them names oml #i figured jay works fine for jason and some of u also suggested that in the tags #but tf am i supposed to do with the name dick 😭😭 #god idk im just hyped abt the idea of drawing all the batboys as buff women now #catch me out here foaming at the mouth over fem duke fr #ok thats enough rambling but u get the point #ask crow