#im still trying but like......im frustrated. also exec dysfunction is not my friend here but im trying

[compassionatereminders]

Sorry about this I just really need to rant, Im gonna put a tw on this just in case bc idk what Im gonna say but Im so fucking angery >:( i have like 4 or 5 undiagnosed, completely untreated mental health things Including psychosis/schizospec, like am out here no meds no therapy bc services have been refusing to see me since i was like 13 (now 18) my mother refuses to believe me that im psychotic/schizospec and blames it on my vitamins/hormones/whatever, doesnt understand anything (1/?) - 🌟

“outside of her little narrow wellbeing "depression/anxiety" boxes, like those things suck and theyre super difficult, im just saying she doesnt understand there are other things. My dad is a fucking asshole, he makes me fun of me all the time for not being able to do simple things like get out of bed or taking forever to complete simple tasks like laundry (adhd/exec dysfunction), and he's even worse to my sister (autistic/adhd) and it just makes me so fucking angry like leave us alone!!”

“my now ex-boyfriend recently broke up w me for like the 3rd or 4th time which is a major struggle bc i also have boderline pd and we were together for p much like 2 years on and off and he said he never really liked me romantically this whole time, and I love him as a person but i also just wanna snap him like a glowstick because What The Fuck??? Took you two fucking years to figure that shit out????? Yeah whatever, but also he's my best friend so Im splitting on Him really badly

im just so frustrated because all the bad shit keeps happening to me like nothing remotely good that happens to me ever lasts and all the shitty things like the trauma and the abuse and the mental illness seems to Stick im just so tired, im so tired of screaming into the void that i want to be loved im so tired of begging to be treated like a real person by the people I love, is it too much to ask that something good Just Happens like it seems to Just Happen to everybody else?? 

is that selfish??? Is that unrealistic??? I dont know, I dont know anymore. Im so sorry for dumping all of this on you, I know you have ur own problems too so you can ignore all this if u want I just needed to Rant about it somewhere instead of just screaming into the void i needed someone to listen but u dont have to respond thats okay. I hope ur doing okay!! Ur drawings are very cute btw, keep practicing ur doing so well!!”  

It’s not selfish and unrealistic to want good things to happen - and while you may not see how or when right now, I am sure that good things WILL start happening at some point if you keep doing your best to cope and move forward. Your current situation is not your final destination and change is one of the only guarantees in life - so even if everything sucks right now, most of the things you’re struggling with at the moment is temporary. Try to hold onto that. 

According the lack of mental health care, have you looked into your options for seeking out mental health care on your own without involving your parents now where you’re a legal adult? As far as I’m aware, in most places child mental health services and adult mental health services are separate, meaning that even if child mental health services rejected you for years, that doesn’t necessarily equal that the adult mental health services will do the same thing. I definitely recommend looking into this if you haven’t already!

I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles with your parents and your ex boyfriend! It’s not easy to cope with mental illness, and facing judgment and ignorance from your loved ones definitely doesn’t make it any easier. Your ex honestly sounds like an asshole, and while you may still love him, this doesn’t automatically mean that he deserves anymore of your time. If you’ve been on and off for years and he hasn’t been willing or able to commit or even genuinely care, I think the best thing you can do is work towards moving on.

All in all this sounds like a real shitty and toxic situation and I am so sorry that you have to struggle through all this bullshit. It really isn’t fair. But please don’t let your current struggles convince you that it’s selfish or wrong to want to feel better, or that getting better is a hopeless project cause it isn’t. It may be hard and it may take time, but you deserve better and I promise you that if you keep pushing through and working on yourself, things will eventually improve.

#anon #chat with kat