#im so tired of this. i have veen carrying it around for over a year and im. just. ugh

[diomedrian]

Turns out when I imagine the future, it's always by myself. There's ofcourse my friends but it's also just me, there is no partner, there is no romance and it warms my heart seeing everyone talk and want and get love but it also makes me slightly uneasy because I don't want that. Perhaps a better way of saying it would be: I want romance for a few hours, maybe only on Friday or Saturday nights, I want to get tipsy and make out a lot and hold them and watch a really funny show but then I want them gone in the morning, or I want to leave in the morning. I don't want a lover during the day, only in the nights, only when I can afford a free weekend and I think about how the last time someone loved me and held me and about how I managed to take them apart so abruptly that I could feel the ground shake under me. I know the past doesn't have to define us and that there are more people who will love me because there have been plenty who have loved me but I cannot get away from the idea that there is something terribly wrong with me because I don't want romance and it's very funny to think he was the love of my life but I am also very dramatic and so I believe that but it doesn't come alone, I have to also bear the heaviness of hurting him and I want him to know that in every other universe I am always kissing him and always loving him and that it just so happens in this one that he is the perfect one for me but I am not the one for him. And I don't usually believe in the ripple effect but I don't think I will ever let anyone love me again. I don't want to be held and I don't want to be looked at like I am the best thing to have happened to them and I don't want to be loved so grossly that it echoes into the next town.

#im so tired of this. i have veen carrying it around for over a year and im. just. ugh #its my fault and thats okay because im doing better instead of going back to him and hurting him more im staying here and not saying #anything not even a word nothing. i want to hold him so bad but he deserves better and i know everyone i will ever have a crush on deserves #better because i know myself and i know the history will repeat itself and i know i will not change because romance for me is just temporary #there are no soulmates no grander forces and no belonging #i love them in fiction. i love them in fiction so much but thats not something i want and i am terrified of constantly hurting people bc #lets be honest im not. im going to pretend to be a good partner and so many people fall in love on the first dates and just. #ugh why is it so complicated?? at the end of the day i know i can't be with someone because im a horrible partner and also because it feels #terribly wrong. i dont think im meant to be with someone and that should be okay and im okay with that. its just hueting people is a lot to #carry with yourself and i can't stop hurting people either so idk??? anyway #sorry this got very very complicated if u dont understand what i mean its ok neither do i #not in writing anyway #personal