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#im so so confused did something happen I’m out of the loop
hyunjinspark · 9 months
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star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 15
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pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader
synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, you’ve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but you’ve never met somebody like him.
there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that he’s always wanted to, but what he didn’t anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned.
genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden romance, slowburn (!!!) soulmate au (kind of), star-crossed lovers
warnings: cursing, mature content, fancy drinking, mutual pining, sexual tension, so much angst, kissing, making out, dirty talk, fingering, grinding, dry humping, dom!hyunjin, jealousy, more angst
word count: 35K (ik the wc makes it feel v long but it’s really not that much haha)
a/n: im so excited to be coming back with this huge of a chapter for you guys. so much goes down and im insanely excited to share this next phase of my story with you. its v long so pls get comfortable with a blanket and snacks. I would recommend rereading the last chapter, if you can! thank you for still being here.
i recommend that you can listen to my star lost playlist here!
important: all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.
masterlist
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He had fucked up. Even in the dimly lit drive-in theatre, the guilt on his face was evident. Hyunjin had never looked this devastated.
“I need to talk to you” 
That’s what he had said. The gnawing feeling in your gut got worse. Those words together, in that order, was never a good sign. You knew as much, and you knew whatever he had to tell you was going to be something bad.
“Why did you leave in the middle of the film?” You asked, gaze darting between him and your friends.
Yuqi was staring wide-eyed, watching this unfold, soda cup clutched in her hands, and Felix…he looked beyond irritated.
The movie could still be heard all the way over here. You weren’t too far from the projection screen, and the speakers were right next to you. It was a horrible place to be having this conversation, but you couldn’t wait. 
What was he holding back?
You’d always felt the safest around Hyunjin, but every breath between you right now was uncertain. He was fidgeting, sliding the silver ring off and on his finger.
“I was on my way back to you when—” Hyunjin paused, and the veins in his neck were prominent as he strained to be heard over the movie, “—when Felix found me. He wanted to talk”
“Is Jisung okay?” You blurted, the first thing that came to your mind. He was nervous as hell, and that freaked you out.
Hyunjin’s eyes widened, “No, he’s okay”
“Look. Y/N—“ Felix started, stepping ahead.
“Can I please just talk to Y/N…alone?” Hyunjin interrupted, turning to your friends. His frustration was new to you.
“Of course. Now you wanna talk to her” Felix scoffed, and your gaze drifted to him. You felt so out of the loop and everything was far too dramatic.
A laugh escaped you at the absurdity of this situation, “What is going on? You guys are acting like the world’s fucking ending or something”
“I’m sure it’s not that serious” Yuqi piped in, as a way to comfort you, and Felix glanced at her in disdain.
Hyunjin seemed to be physically struggling between appeasing you and Felix, but he focused his gaze on you.
“It’s not” He reaffirmed, pausing to breathe, “Obviously. It’s not… that serious”
“You sure?” Felix mumbled, taunting the situation, and you’d never known Felix to be the one to poke a bear with a stick. 
His presence only added to your confusion and annoyance. 
What was he doing here? 
Hadn’t he just told you he couldn’t be friends with you anymore? Or whatever the hell he was going to say before you were interrupted?
You glanced at him, and the anger from your previous unresolved conversation surged back, “Lix. Can you just give us a moment alone, please?”
His eyes locked with yours in silent agreement, “Yeah. Sure. Whatever you want, Y/N”
“Yeonjun’s gonna be worried as hell about us” Yuqi spoke in a harsh whisper, grabbing him lightly by the forearm to lead him away, and even though you were embarrassed to have an audience, you were glad she was here.
You’d dragged everyone to the drive-in theatre tonight for the Jaws screening because it had seemed, at the moment, like a good idea. It was supposed to be one of the things on your bucket list. The list Hyunjin and you had made together.
A list of things to make you fall in love with your little town again, and you were only doing all of this because Hyunjin insisted. A silly excuse to be by his side, but it had worked. You’d seen the film they were playing tonight a dozen times, so yeah, you were only doing this so you could spend more time with him. 
Right now though, it didn’t seem like the greatest idea, and more like the culmination of a really bad plan. 
A confrontation you didn’t want. 
Knowing Hyunjin, he hated confrontations too. 
So, there must be a really fucking good reason why he was arguing with your best friend just now.
Felix mumbled something as they walked away, too quiet for you to catch amongst the sounds of the film. 
A cold breeze picked up.
The blinking yellow sign above you was malfunctioning, a buzzing sound escaping it, distracting you momentarily until Hyunjin’s face came into focus again.
He was so apprehensive, a concerned frown on his face. Guilty was not a good look on him.
You swallowed your anxieties, raising your voice louder, “Can you just please tell me what’s going on? You’re kind of freaking me out here”
“Nothing is going on like that, I promise. It’s just…Yongbok found something out and freaked out about it. He was upset at me but—”
“What did he find out?” You were impatient.
Hyunjin squeezed his eyes shut, and sighed, “He saw me earlier…at the station”
It took you a second to put two and two together.
“The train station…? What were you doing there?”
His eyes darted around the driveway, realising that this was probably the worst place to be having any kind of conversation. The noise of the horror film had drowned the two of you out.
“Can we go somewhere else? Where it’s quieter, please?” 
You didn’t think you had the patience. Your stomach turned every second that he didn’t tell you what was wrong. 
“Please?” He asked again, “I’ll tell you everything. I just want to get away from here”
What was so complex that he couldn’t just say it now?
It felt like a break-up except you and him weren’t even fucking dating.
Your gaze flickered over his face, frown lines on his forehead that didn’t suit him, and it was only now that you noticed the bags under his eyes. He hadn’t slept last night. He was too young to be so worried.
“Yeah, of course”
There was relief on his face at your agreement, shoulders relaxing, and he looked around.
The theater was in the middle of fucking nowhere.
Where would you even go?
Worry returned to his face, and you sighed, “There’s a loading dock, like a few minutes from here. It’ll be quieter there”
He nodded, following closely behind you as you led the way. 
You focused on the sound of your footsteps in the dirt to not completely freak out.
“Is everything with Chan fine?” You ended up asking.
“Yeah, he’s fine too” He fell quiet again, “I’m sorry you’re missing the movie because of me”
The noises got muffled as you moved further away.
“I really don’t care” You told him, “I’ve seen it before”
“Oh, okay”
You stopped at a chain-link fence, leading to a loading dock for various trucks and vans. It was dead right now, but it'd be brimming with life in the early hours of the day. 
“This is quiet enough”
This was also as far as your patience could go.
Hyunjin nodded, leaning his weight against the fence, running a hand through his hair, “I guess”
Another round of screams from the audience echoed through the area, and you shrugged, “Guess not”
He didn’t seem amused though, “They’re so loud”
“It is the best part of the movie” You told him, “They finally defeat the shark”
Hyunjin nodded, as if he’d forgotten what the movie Jaws was even about, “Right”
He looked like a wounded animal, afraid you’d get mad at him, but you didn’t even understand what you should be mad about. 
His hand peeked out from under his button-up sleeve. You reached forward, not thinking before slipping your fingers between his.
The gesture surprised him, and he glanced up at you with big eyes. He squeezed your hand, finding comfort in it.
“I was buying a ticket back”
You frowned, asking a question you already knew the answer to, “Back to?”
His breaths were shallow, in uneven intervals and his shoulders rose and fell with each anxious inhale and exhale. 
“Seoul” He clarified, biting his bottom lip. 
“Oh. Isn’t…it too early?” 
His gaze fell, eyes avoiding yours, “I was trying to tell you earlier, but I didn’t get the chance”
“Tell me now” You tilt his head up, fingers under his chin so he could look right at you.
He took in another deep breath, eyes staring into yours, “I…have to leave, Y/N. I have to move back to the city”
The words didn’t shock you.
That’s it?
You knew he had to leave. 
A weight lift off your chest at the familiarity of his confession, and you could breathe again, “Yeah. I…know that, Hyunjin”
His eyes widened, “You do?”
Your fingers settled on his jaw, to calm him, “I mean, I know that you can’t stay here forever. You were only here for the summer anyway”
Relief swirled his eyes at your calmness, “Um…yeah”
It felt anticlimactic. This was why he was so nervous, why Felix was so mad, why they were fighting?
You two stood so close, hand-in-hand, and this didn’t even seem like a big deal. Hyunjin wasn’t going to be holed up in this small town forever. Everybody knew it would always be temporary, so what was the drama for?
A breeze blew Hyunjin’s hair in his face, and you tucked the chestnut strands behind his ear, “Would you have to start packing soon?”
With that question, Hyunjin’s eyebrows furrowed again, “I already packed, Y/N”
“Already?” You laughed, there was a whole month left but he was already preparing, “You should’ve told me…I could’ve helped you.”
He frowned, and suddenly your name on his lips felt bitter, “Y/N…” 
Like it took effort to say, and like it broke his heart.
It felt like an apology, but you didn’t know what for.
You squeezed his hand, to let him know he had nothing to be sorry for, “Tell me…”
“No, you don’t understand. I’m — I’m not staying for the rest of the summer anymore”
Your heart squeezed, and suddenly you realised why he was so anxious. 
You needed confirmation, “You’re not?”
“I need to leave” He let out a breath, “Tonight.”
The words hit you like a punch to your gut.
Hyunjin explained further, to make sure you understood, but your head was already spinning, “My train leaves for Seoul… in a few hours” 
Your grip on his hand dropped, and you stopped touching him.
He stared at you for what felt like forever, eyes flickering between yours, “I’m sorry”
He’s sorry?
You had trouble speaking the words, “What? Tonight?”
His eyes were wide at your reaction, and at your tone. He thought you didn’t believe him.
And you didn’t.
Tonight was so soon, and in a few hours was fucking insane.
As you processed his words, the silence stretched for seconds, excruciatingly long.
He felt a stupid need to fill in the void, “My manager’s coming to pick me up. He doesn’t want me to make the journey back alone. He’s worried about a crowd at the station, in case the information leaked—”
Hyunjin kept talking, and explaining, but you’d stopped listening.
What the fuck was he even saying?
All of these technicalities.
You couldn’t even still process what he’d told you.
Yeah, you knew he had to leave but you didn’t think it’d be tonight. 
You didn’t think it’d be right now.
You weren’t prepared.
Each word he spoke was a lightning bolt to your heart, ripping chasms open in the perfect day you’d just had. 
It couldn’t be. You had so much planned with him. You hadn’t even gotten to the good part yet.
The sky lit up in bright white, blinding you.
You hadn’t even told him that you loved him...
The wind picked up, dust blowing into your eyes but you didn’t care. The lightning wasn’t just within you. There was a storm coming.
Hyunjin glanced up at the sky; dark clouds suddenly looming over you, but that was the least of your worries. 
“We should get inside” He realised, reaching for your hand, but you stepped away from him, pulling your hand out of reach.
His eyes were wide at the rejection.
“I’m sorry. You said that you’re leaving in a few hours?” You asked again, hoping this was just a horrible fucking joke, and you heard him wrong.
But he fucking nodded, not saying anything. 
Your stomach was beginning to hurt, a shooting pain through your body, and you felt dizzy.
Bile rose up to your throat at the suddenness of everything, “I don’t understand. You said you didn’t have to go back, not until the end of summer and—”
“I know” He interrupted, “I know that’s what I said, but things changed. The company needs me back, I don’t have much of a choice”
“But what about Kkami…and about the art classes?” Stupid questions, when all you wanted to ask was something else. 
“I canceled the classes yesterday, and Minho said he’ll look after Kkami until my aunt comes back to town”
Of course.
“Oh”
Of course he’d figured everything out. A man as precise as Hyunjin, of course he’d already solved for all the problems you couldn’t even foresee.
But what about you?
Your gaze fell from his, heart falling deep into your gut and maybe that explained the pain in you. You didn’t even know what to say. It was so much information, to process all at once, and pathetically, you mumbled, “I thought I’d have more time with you”
“I know, Y/N. I...thought so too” His voice was too soft, too calm, “But I’m sorry that we don’t”
Was he not affected by this? Why was he so calm?
In a few hours, he would be more than a hundred miles away from you.
That wasn’t okay.
But he seemed perfectly fine right now.
How long had he known this?
“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you before” He swallowed, and stepped closer. His hands glided up your arms, coming to rest at your shoulders. He squeezed the skin there, and maybe he thought it was comforting, but it just felt suffocating.
Your chest was pounding so hard you could hear your heartbeat in your ears.
You were still confused, so many questions in your head, “But that doesn’t explain why Felix was fighting with you”
Hyunjin sighed, “He…he thought that I wasn’t going to tell you”
There it was.
Your eyes narrowed, darting up to his, a new fear sinking into you, something you hadn’t even considered, “Wait. Were you not?”
His eyes widened, but his voice gave him away, “No. I was going to—”
You took another step back, and he dropped his hands from you.
“You weren’t even going to say goodbye, Hyunjin?”
He hesitated before speaking, “I was”
“When?”
“What?”
“When were you going to tell me? If you’ve already bought a ticket. You’ve already cancelled the classes. You’ve…packed everything. You’ve already given Kkami away. So, when…were you going to tell me?”
He squeezed his eyes shut.
And it was enough.
“You’re fucking kidding me”
“Let me explain, please--”
Another flash lit up the sky.
Thunder ripped through the atmosphere, and the sound startled you both, making you look up.
It wasn’t raining, not yet, but it would soon.
Immediately, you heard scrambling over at the drive-in theatre. All of the people would be exposed to the rain, and now they’d have to pack it up, and leave.
How fitting for a storm to pass through right fucking now.
You looked back at him, because this wasn’t like him.
The Hyunjin you’d come to know…would never blindside you like this.
You stepped further away, your sneakers tripping over the dirt and Hyunjin reached out to steady you, but you ripped your arm back, “You were just going to leave”
“I tried telling you yesterday, in the forest! You were the first person I was going to tell” Hyunjin exclaimed, eyes wide in what you could only recognise as despair.
In the forest, when you’d taken him to see the fireflies. Hyunjin had said he wanted to tell you something. He was trying to tell you this?
Sourness developed in your mouth, “What? Yesterday?”
“But you stopped me. You kissed me, and you said you didn’t want to know”
Your sadness was suddenly replaced by embarrassment, and bitterness.
“So…it’s my fault?”
“What? Of course not. That’s not what I’m saying”
Your emotions were toppling over, and you couldn’t manoeuvre them anymore.
You felt a surge of hopelessness, because he didn’t understand how important this was to you.
How important he was.
“If it was so important, you should have told me anyway! I obviously would have understood, and stopped kissing you. I’m not that dense, or …needy”
Hyunjin’s eyes were wide, like he couldn’t believe you.
“I know that you’re not. Of course, you’re not” He repeated, stepping towards you, “I knew how upset it would make you, and I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t want to ruin the time we had left”
There was no justifiable reason for you to be this sad. He was only going to be a few hours away from here, but you’d dreaded the day he’d leave ever since you met him.
His life in the city was a whirlwind, and he didn’t have time for anything.
How would you ever stay in his life, or keep him in yours?
Your voice was shaky, “I’m not upset at you, Hyunjin”
“Really? Because it looks like you hate me right now” He laughed.
You sighed, looking him in the eye, “Of course not”
“I just don’t understand why I’m the last to know. You said that your manager is coming to pick you up…and you’re worried the information would leak. So does everybody know you’re coming back or something?”
He nodded slightly, as if his answer would hurt you, “The media knows. There’s going to be a crowd at the station, in the city when I get back”
So if you waited a few more hours…the morning papers would have told you anyway.
The thought almost made you want to laugh, or cry.
“We were having such a good time, at the Creek, and…I didn’t want to kill the mood, obviously I was right, because you’re so upset right now”
“Right. I’m sorry for being upset that you’re leaving Hyunjin”
He pulled you towards him, “Stop, please. This is…not how I wanted tonight to go”
“Then how did you want it to go?”
“I wanted to…stay up with you, and talk to you, and listen to you...until I can”
It sounded tempting. You’d do anything to have that.
But he was leaving tonight.
“Do you know when you’ll come back?”
“What?”
“To Daejon. Do you know when you’ll come back?”
He hesitated, “I don’t know. A couple of years, maybe then…”
“So after tonight…you have no idea when we’ll see each other again?”
“Yeah, but…you can visit me in Seoul, right?” He asked, a hopeful lilt to his tone.
Your head was still spinning, “Were you going to stay in touch with me?”
“Yeah. I was going to give you my new number—”
“Your new number?” You were confused.
“I have to change it…every few months. For safety”
Another lightning flash lit up his face, and then the first drops of rain followed. They wet your hair, dripping down your face, masquerading as tears.
“Yeonjun would be wondering where I am”
“What?” Hyunjin asked, but you needed to fixate on something else or you’d go insane.
“I have to tell him” You mumbled, more to yourself, reaching for your phone in your back pocket, but you’d left it back in the truck. A frustrated groan escaped you.
“I can tell him” Hyunjin spoke, immediately, pulling his phone out to text him. You watched as he did so. The bright phone lit up his face, as he typed in a text, but from here, you could see his fingers trembling.
The vendors were rushing to close all the food shops before the rain came in. The sound of people scrambling with their blankets and snacks to get inside. Car doors being shut, and engines being started.
“Please just let me explain, so you can understand what’s going on in my head”
You needed to calm down. This was always going to happen, and you shouldn’t be surprised. You shouldn’t be heartbroken and so fucking weak. 
You nodded, “Go ahead”
He grabbed your hand in urgency but you didn’t stop him, “I knew how upset it would make you, and I’m so fucking sorry. I knew the moment that I told you, it would be real, and is it crazy if I wanted the summer to last longer? I was being selfish and I wasn’t thinking”
You took a deep breath, his words calming you down by the second, “It’s not selfish. I..I’m sorry. I just thought you were hiding it from me, and…I got upset. How long have you known?”
“Barely two days” He admitted, and then, “That’s kind of why I was rushing through your list”
A laugh escaped you, at the lost innocence of that sentence, “What? My list is not… important, Hyunjin”
He frowned, “It was to me…”
The cold water draped over your forehead, dripping down your eyes, tracing your nose, falling into your mouth. You should be sane, and walk out of this storm before you both fell sick. Hyunjin was just watching you, and you think his heart was broken too. For a reason different to yours.
“A few hours…” You realised, and you were already losing time.
He squeezed your hand, “If you would let me, I’d like to spend them with you”
The rain intensified, transforming into a downpour, drowning out the last of his sentence. Everybody must have left the drive-in theater by now and that meant it was just you and him in the middle of this summer storm.
You felt like a broken record, “I wish I knew”
“Why?” He bent down to your height, voice softening, “It…wouldn’t have changed anything”
You took in a deep breath. He was right.
It wouldn’t have changed anything.
His eyes were exploring yours, apologetic, and you could understand what went on in his head. If you could spare Hyunjin the pain of something sad, you would have done the same.
He was getting drenched in the storm, and you’d feel guilty if he fell sick because of you, “Are you okay?” He asked you.
You suddenly felt numb. 
Why shouldn’t you be okay?
“I’ll only be a few hours away from you” He reassured you, and then chuckled softly, “It’s not like I’m moving to another country”
A loud honk pulled you out of the conversation.
Yuqi’s truck was to the side, parked on the dirt road, and Yeonjun was poking his head out of the window, “What the hell are you two still doing out there?”
You looked back at Hyunjin, swallowing, “We should go”
“Come on” He spoke, guiding you towards the car with his hand on your back. You rushed inside, arms around yourself to be warm. He went around the back, getting in through the other side, and he was completely soaked, hair dripping, “Sorry for getting your seats wet, Yuqi”
She told him it was fine, and Yeonjun turned round to ask, “Am I taking you straight home then, Y/N?”
Yuqi gave you a sympathetic look in the rearview mirror. Felix must have told her what the argument had been about.
You glanced at Hyunjin. He thought you were angry at him. Well, you were a bit. But never enough to ignore him like this. This was his last night here. Everything felt so sudden, and rushed, and you weren’t sure you’d even understood it, but you had be mature about this.
“No, I’m…not going home” You told Yeonjun.
Hyunjin raised his eyebrows, as if to ask if you were sure.
He was crazy if he thought you’d let him go without even saying goodbye.
“Can I come to your place?”
He nodded, in a single breath answering, “Of course”
Every second spent arguing over this was one less second with him. Yeonjun drove away from the loading dock, and time was slipping away and you glanced at Hyunjin. He was looking out at the town as it passed by, and he looked so fucking lost…or nostalgic.
Daejon passed by in a blur, as you drove to his house.
It would be selfish of you to think you were the only one affected by this. He was the one who would have to go back the life he’d left behind.
You drove past Aera’s, and Hyunjin’s gaze lingered on it, long after you’d already passed it. The car ride was quiet, other than the music Yuqi was playing, but you’d tuned it out.
Hyunjin’s eyebrows were furrowed as he watched the blur of trees and homes and places you’d come to spend all of your time in this summer. It was like he was trying to take everything in but Yeonjun drove faster than his memories could catch up.
His hand was on his thigh, fingers trembling still, and you don’t know if it was from the cold or if he was scared. 
Your heart squeezed in your chest. 
You reached over without thinking, hand settling over his, and immediately, he was calm.
»»————-
Hyunjin’s room was ripped bare. 
The art had been taken off the walls, the paint canisters had been stashed out of sight, the mattress was naked of the blue sheets and comforter you’d grown to love.
Cardboard boxes lay under his window, taped up and sealed shut.
His art wasn’t decorating the room anymore, instead it lay packed under layers of bubble wrap and paper.
It was strange, because you’d only been here a few times, enough to count on one hand, but it felt like a loss. Empty rooms always made you sad. It signified the end of something.
Yeonjun’s room had stayed empty, and even when he visited home, he’d live out of his suitcase. After all, nobody took the time to hang back picture frames on the walls. 
Your gut tinged with sadness.
Hyunjin stood at the other side of the room, arms crossed, emanating a calm silence.
Your eyes met his, a strange resignation within them. You hugged yourself, arms coming round your body in a comforting embrace. 
The room was far too barren for your liking, but compared to outside, at least it was warm here.
With difficulty you found the words, “How does it feel? To see your room like this?”
He cleared his throat, and his hair was still wet, chestnut strands sticking to his skin, “Honestly?”
“Yeah”
“I don’t feel anything”
Maybe that was the saddest answer you could hear. 
Your indignant look made him clarify further.
His Adam’s apple bobbed before he spoke, “I…I know that’s weird. I thought I’d be sad, but I don’t really feel anything”  
“I get that” You nodded, leaning against the wall, movements mirroring his. 
“You do?” He tilt his head, fiddling with the pendant around his neck.
You did get him, but you can’t seem to elaborate.
After all, you’ve never had to deal with anything of this nature. 
You’ve lived in the same place your whole life. The same room. The same bed. The same view from your window every morning and night.
How could you know what goodbyes felt like?
“I thought I’d be sadder” He continues upon your silence, “I just don’t feel much of anything, and that makes me…feel sad. Shouldn’t I be just a little upset?”
“Maybe you haven’t processed it yet?” You offered.
He shook his head, frown lines on his forehead, “It’s not that”
You couldn’t comprehend what he felt, and all you could do was guess, “Maybe it’s too soon” 
His eyebrows shot up, as if he realised something utterly significant about himself. Yet he didn’t share it with you. He slipped his hands deeper into his pockets, adjusting his posture against the wall.
A black suitcase stood between you, and you wonder what he’d put in it. What was he taking with him? It was strange to imagine that his entire summer here had fit into just those four cardboard boxes. There must have been things he discarded, or gave away.
What did he leave behind?
“So…how will you take all this stuff back?” You asked, gesturing over to the boxes.
“I’m not. I’m just taking my luggage with me” He explained, “I just packed everything else so it’d be easier for my aunt to take care of the house when I’m gone”
When he’s gone.
“That’s thoughtful of you” You smiled, gazing at the other boxes pushed under his bed, “What about your art supplies? Are you taking them too?”
He shook his head, chuckling nervously, “No, I had no space in my bag”
Your eyebrows shot up, “How are you going to paint when you’re in the city then?”
“I doubt I’ll have time at first” He admit.
Your heart clenched. Another loss.
“But…when I do, I’ll just get new supplies” He continued, so simply.
Your eyes narrowed, “Hwang Hyunjin… do you have any idea how expensive art supplies are?”
A hint of a smile appeared on his face, “I know, but I have no choice. There’s an art shop in Hongdae. I’ve passed it a hundred times. I think I’ll finally visit it”
“You’re going to forget all about Aera’s then” You frowned.
He hummed, smiling at you, “I could never”
You smiled, and a comfortable silence fell upon you.
He moved across his room to sit against the desk, “I am kind of sad about putting away all my art though. They’re just going to collect dust forever”
“Maybe you can put them back up when you come back” You suggested.
He nodded, “Right. When I’m back.”
He traced a hand against his empty desk. Just a few days ago, it was full of clutter, flower vases, and pretty candles, and pencils of different sizes. The first night he’d come to Aera’s he’d bought a little canvas and a single pencil from you.
That was so long ago, and you smiled to yourself at the memory.
“You’re really not going to miss home, and your room?” 
“I have something of yours” He interrupted, ignoring your questions entirely.
“Oh…okay” Is all you can seem to muster.
He pulled open the drawers, and you move towards him. He’d cleared out everything from within them too. Including all his paint supplies, his knick-knacks, the hair ties… and that box of condoms you saw once…
Was he leaving that behind?
Or had he packed that too?
Maybe it’d be useful to him in the city.
The thought made you choke up, and you turned away, giving him space to look for whatever he was looking for. 
He finally pulled open the last drawer, and spoke, “I found it when cleaning, and uh, I don’t know how but I forgot to return it,”
You stepped forward to take a glimpse, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with him.
“My sketchbook!” You realised, recognising the torn-up leather cover. 
Pulling it out, you flipped it open, seeing the sketches you made on countless train journeys, “Honestly…I didn’t even know you have this”
Hyunjin laughed, and your gaze darted to his.
It was the first he’d laughed like this since he’d told you he was leaving.
“I promise I didn’t steal it or anything” He admitted, “You never took it back after Felix’s birthday”
“That was ages ago. I guess I have far too many sketchbooks to keep count” You hummed, flipping further through the book, seeing the drawings Hyunjin had filled it with on the journey, when you’d given it to him. You felt him move closer to you, body stopping right behind yours.
You traced your fingers against the ink, trying not to get distracted by his breathing on your neck, “The beach cabin. You drew it”
Hyunjin nodded, looking over your shoulder at the picture, “I did. That was…a good night”
You craned your neck to look at him, a laugh escaping, “Really? I felt kind of bad for dragging you along for that whole trip. Ended up being pretty shitty”
He smiled, eyes flickering over you, “Not all of it”
You flipped to another page, but Hyunjin’s hand reached out to stop you. You looked at him questioningly.
“Uh…you can go through that later. We don’t have much time”
You nodded, keeping it aside. He walked over, sitting on the mattress, and stared out through the window. It was still raining fiercely, a thunderstorm raging outside.
 “If it wasn’t raining, we could have gone stargazing” He realised.
The disappointed in his tone pulled at your heartstrings, “Maybe it’ll pass soon”
He shook his head, “No, I checked — It’s going to be cloudy till noon tomorrow. I’ll already be gone by then”
“Oh”
It was hard to put his words into comprehension. 
He was really going to be gone. 
You’d gotten so used to seeing him all the time, everywhere. He would show up at your job, and he would go around town with you, and a part of you felt like he’d always be here to do that.
After a while, he sighed, “I guess I was looking forward to doing something cool with you…before I have to leave”
You stared at the rain, the droplets trailing down his windowsill, racing to the bottom, “This could be nice too. It hasn’t rained like this in months”
He nodded in silent agreement, and you watched the downpour, quietly, stealing glances at him. There was a sense of awkwardness and emptiness in the air. 
He wasn’t being honest with you about everything, but you didn’t want to push. It felt like he was holding back yet again, and you wish he’d just tell you everything on his mind.
Flashes of lightning lit up his face every few minutes, and he looked out at the dark garden like it held all the answers to life, and the universe. 
“Hyunjin…” You spoke.
He glanced at you, and his eyes looked sad. 
You were counting down the fleeting moments left with him. Was he too?
It broke your heart. Why was he so quiet when you only had a few hours together?
You couldn’t push him, but each second mattered.
So you walked over to him, kneeling on the floor so you could look at him, “What’s wrong?”
His eyes darted between yours, lips parted, as he thought over your question.
“I don’t know” His voice quivered.
You placed a hand on his leg, to ground him, “You wanted me to come over”
He swallowed, “I did”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to be alone right now”
“You’re not” You assured him, patting lightly on his knee, “What are you thinking about?”
“Shouldn’t I feel sad?” He asked, “Something has to be wrong with me”
“What do you mean?” You frowned.
“You asked me earlier if I will miss Daejon, but I only feel numb. I cried when I left Seoul, but why do I feel nothing leaving here?”
His words were heavy, and you don’t know if you were qualified to answer him, because you were too emotionally invested in this, and in him.
“Maybe you haven’t processed it yet”
He looked back at the garden, fence, and skies, “Yeah, I can’t believe I’m going to be back in the city tomorrow. It feels like a world apart, and I can’t really grasp leaving this”
“I mean, it is a world apart, Hyunjin”
He looked at you, “I feel like I never got the chance to settle here. It’s been so temporary. I always knew I was only here for a little while, and I can’t get myself to feel sad”
“It’s not like… an obligation, Hyun. I can’t imagine how it feels like to live two places. If you don’t feel a certain way, you can’t force it”
He nodded, quietly staring ahead at his garden.
He was stuck between two places, and two lives. He’d always told you about that. 
Even though he wasn’t sad, he didn’t seem happy either, so you said, “What are you looking forward to the most when you get back?”
“Meeting the guys” He responded, in a heartbeat, and then smiled at his own eagerness, “I’m also excited to just be able to do my job again”
“Yeah?” You asked, taking a seat next to him so you could be level with him, “Do you already have your schedule for the next few weeks?”
He nodded, “Mmh. It’s kind of crazy, but it’ll be nice to be that busy again”
You shifted closer to him, as did he, with the pouring rain in backdrop. It was isolating, but comforting, “What else?”
“Hmm?”
“What else are you excited about?”
Hyunjin’s lips pulled up into a smile, “To step into the dance studio. Man, I’ve missed that more than anything”
You smiled, “Yeah?”
“When I was a trainee, I basically slept there.” He hummed, and despite the obvious hardships he hinted at, his memory came from a place of fondness and comfort.
His eyes crinkled as he remembered something else, “It’s funny. It happened so often. Our manager installed a small bench there, so I could pass out on it, instead of killing my back on the hardwood floor”
“Wow. That’s so nice of him” You smiled, watching his eyes lit up talking about his home.
“I also can’t wait to get back to the recording studio. Chan told me details about the next album. Apparently, he, uh, wants me to have a couple of my own songs on it”
Your eyes widened, “Wait, what do you mean?”
As far as you knew, all of their songs were written by his team members.
“Um” He laughed nervously, crossing his legs, “Like songs I write just by myself, and produce”
“I didn’t know you write songs” You admitted, feeling stupid. Sadness settled in your stomach, as you realised there was so much you still didn’t know much about Hyunjin. 
There was so much you wanted to know, to discover about him. 
Hyunjin laughed, “I try to, I haven’t released my own yet. The guys usually take care of that, so this will be a first…I don’t even know what I’ll write about”
“But…have you written songs before?”
He nodded, “I used to write a lot on tour, but I never really felt confident enough to release them”
Curiosity flooded you, “What kind of things do you write about?”
He laughed, “You’ll be disappointed, it’s kind of cheesy…and mainstream”
“I don’t care”
He smiled, “You’ll be the first to hear if I finish”
“Are you excited to see Chan?”
He laughed, “Insanely. Jisung and Binnie too. I can’t believe I went so long without them. Hopefully they haven’t burnt the dorm down”
He grimaced at the thought, and then laughed, “And Jisung…man, I think I’ll squeeze the life out of him when I see him, and not let go. He’s been through far too much in my absence”
“They must be missing you a lot” You spoke, watching his fond smile. 
You would miss so many moments in his life. 
Crucial moments that would redefine him as a person.
You would miss the excitement in his eyes when he reunited with the boys again. You’d miss the work he would put into the self-composed songs, and the satisfaction of his smile when he finished.
So many little and bigger moments of happiness, the kind of things that make a person. 
The next time you saw him, he’d probably be so different from who he was now. 
You would both have changed as people, grown apart from each other.
But he was smiling at everything he had to look forward to, and that’s all you wanted in the moment. For him to feel happy.
“We still have a few hours left. It’s your last night. Is there anything in particular you wanted to do?”
Hyunjin tilt his head, “I didn’t really plan for anything… I was just hoping you’d spend it with me”
He already seemed so much more relaxed, and you were glad. 
“Do you need help cleaning anything or packing up?”
He shook his head, “I think everything’s done but…we could have drinks together, if you want?”
His last night in town should be memorable.
“That sounds perfect” You smiled, getting off the bed, as you followed Hyunjin back to the kitchen. 
He had changed from his storm-drenched clothes into simple sweatpants, and they fit him well, sitting comfortably on his hips. The hoodie was also simple, and it looked soft enough to touch, like it was made from the finest wool in the country.
“What do you usually like to have, Y/N?” Hyunjin reached up to the cabinets at the very top, his height allowing him to do so with ease, “I know that you liked the rosé when we went to the paint event, and I know that you absolutely hate beer”
You laughed at the memory, jumping up to sit comfortably on the kitchen counter. Hyunjin glanced at you briefly, smiling to himself at the position, and how you’d made yourself at home.
You thought about it, but you weren’t a big cocktail drinker, so you hummed, “I’ll have anything you’ll have”
“You’re easily influenced” He laughed, “What if you hate my taste?”
You smiled at him, swinging your legs gently against the counter, “I trust you”
He made a face, “Now I have to live up to your unrealistically high expectations of me. Isn’t that too much pressure for my last night?”
You threw your hands up in defense, “You’re the one who suggested we have drinks, Hyun”
He smiled, peering at the alcohol he had in his cabinet. There wasn’t too much, since he rarely lived here, and you don’t suppose his aunt was a big drinker.
“Have you ever tried a Dolce Vita?” He asked you, the drink's name slipping from his lips so smoothly, and you guessed it was Italian from his pronunciation, but Hyunjin made it sound so expensive.
“Can’t say that I have” 
He stepped towards you, body touching your legs, but still not close enough, “I think it’s your kind of a drink”
“What makes you say that?” You tilt your head.
He thought over his words, mulling them in his head, “It’s…classy. It’s elegant, and it’s…romantic”
You stilled, watching him describe it.
 “It’s pink, and…it has dark chocolate on top” He continued, and then smiled to himself, “It fits you really well”
You smiled, heat flushing to your chest, and cheeks, “What’s the catch?”
“I don’t have all the ingredients” He spoke, a soft pout on his lips, “But I can make you another drink, that you might like”
“When did you even learn all these recipes? I didn’t know you’re a connoisseur”
He laughed, stepping back towards the cabinet to check the ingredients, “I’m not, but Chan taught me a few. He and Kairi…make their own cocktails a lot”
“I hope I can meet them one day” You spoke.
Hyunjin glanced at you over his shoulder, “You’d love Kairi. She’s…so much like you”
You thought, still swaying your legs, “Does that mean Chan would love me too?”
He chuckled, and his shoulders shook from the action, “He kind of already does”
It was still pouring outside, and you looked at the droplets cascading down the kitchen window. It was kind of nice to be trapped in this house with him. It was a big place too, and it was empty, and just the two of you. It was like you were two kids playing house. 
Hyunjin was fiddling with different liqueurs, and you could hear the clinking of glasses, and spoons as he moved things around on the counter. You would help him if you could, but you had no experience in mixology and he had it handled. It was calming, to listen to the thunder, and just sit here.
“What are you making now, Hyun?” You asked, fiddling with the cuts in your jeans.
“It’s called the Queen of Hearts”
You laughed, “I have never heard of these names. Are they just for rich people…or something?”
He tsked, shaking his head “I’m not that rich, Y/N”
“Statistically speaking, you’re…like in one of the biggest bands in our country” 
He smiled softly at you again, “How do you know that? Did you read about me online?”
“Maybe I did” You flushed, “Sometimes you show up on my Instagram. Your fans are very loyal, you know?”
He laughed, turning around to look at you, and you could see he was shaking a liquid in a glass, “I sure hope you don’t believe everything you see about me though. There’s a lot of false news out there”
“So, what, you haven’t dated like every female pop star in the country?” You teased him, exaggerating.
He rolled his eyes, turning back to the counter, to put the glass down, “Did someone actually say that I did?”
“Of course not” You smiled, “That wouldn’t be a believable rumour”
“You’d be surprised what people believe” He laughed, and then paused to say, “I’ve only ever dated one”
Your eyebrows shot up, “A pop star?”
“Yeah”
You looked at him, and you were so curious suddenly, albeit a lot of it stemmed from envy. Whoever had the honor of dating Hyunjin…did they know how lucky they were?
Was in he love with her?
Was she?
You imagined it in your head — the dates he would go on, and the kind of romantic things he would say. He was already such a nice person to you, and you two were just friends. What would he be like…with the girl that he loves?
A pit of jealousy settled in your stomach, so deep, that it ached.
“So, um, I added less liquor to yours just so you can taste it. If you like it, I can give you some more” He spoke, turning to delicately hand you the wine glass. The drink was the color of champagne. 
You peered at the drink, “What’s in it?”
He tilt his head, thinking, “It’s a bit of gin, wine, and…some lemon juice. For the sweet flavour, I added a syrup to it. It’s dahlia…I think you’ll love that”
You stared at him as he explained it, “You’re kidding me”
You reached for the glass, but he immediately pulled it back before you could.
“Wait! I forgot something”
“What?” You laughed, “What else could possibly be missing? The tears of angels?”
He rolled his eyes, “Ha-ha”
You tried to grab it, “Just give it to me. I’m sure it’s fine”
He shook his head, pulling the drink away from your hold, “No, this is the last drink I’m making you. It has to be perfect”
“It’s also the first drink you’ve made me” You pointed out.
He laughed, holding up a finger, “Give me just one minute. I’ll be back”
He placed the glass back on the countertop, and slipped his shoes on.
“Wait, what?”
“I have to run to the garden for something” He told you over his shoulder.
“But there’s a storm out” You exclaimed, dumbly.
He pulled the hood up, looking back at you as he zipped it up fully, “I’ll be fine”
“Hyunjin, don’t go” You laughed, “I’m sure the drink is fine without it”
He shook his head, and he was already halfway out the door. As soon as he pushed open the wooden door, a gust of wind blew in, bringing with it tiny leaves and some rain. The thunder was so much louder now that the door was open, and Hyunjin ran out, shoes put on halfway, and it was so silly that he was doing all this for just a drink.
You waited with bated breath, but you couldn’t see out into the garden from here, so you had no idea what he was up to.
Minutes passed, and you waited in his kitchen, sat on the countertop.
“Holy shit. It’s fucking pouring!” He yelled, running back inside, and he was completely wet, from head to toe. He slipped off his shoes at the back entrance, walking to you barefoot.
“Oh my god” You mumbled, watching the water drip off him, “I told you it was a bad idea”
His fist was closed around something, and you wonder what he got from the garden.
He grabbed your wine glass, and dropped something in it, “You’ll change your mind after you try this”
He then smiled proudly, handing it to you.
Your eyes widened, as you peered into the glass. 
A pretty flower floated on top of the gin, its pink petals wet from the liquid, giving the entire drink an illusion of a pastel paint.
“A flower?” You asked, giggling in disbelief.
“It’s edible” He explained, smiling still, “It’s perfect for you”
“Did you get one for yourself too?”
“Mmh” He nodded, showing you his. The flower floated on the top beautifully, dissolving partially into the liquid. Your drinks looked beautiful together, ethereal and completely fitting to who Hyunjin was as a person.
“Aren’t you cold?” 
“I am” He admitted, and then looked just a tad regretful, “But I packed away all my spare clothes”
“Maybe you should’ve thought this all through” You giggled.
“To be fair, I wasn’t thinking” He shrugged, “It’s fine. It’ll dry out”
He reached behind his neck, peeling off his grey hoodie. The white t-shirt he wore inside rose up with the simple action, revealing his stomach in a glimpse. Like a teenage girl, your heart jumped at the little display of skin. He tossed the hoodie to the side, and stepped closer to you.
His hair looked darker when wet, almost a shade of black, sticking to his face and his cheeks. He puffed, pushing it back behind his ears. You noticed his pendant, stuck in the front of his shirt as he stepped closer to you.
You weren’t thinking as you reached forward, grabbing the thin silver chain around his neck and tugged it out, so it fell against his chest instead.
Hyunjin was frozen still at the action, darting down to see what you were doing and then looking back up at you.
Your hand was still on the chain, and every part of you wanted to pull him closer by it, so you could kiss him. Right now didn’t seem like a good time for that though. He was feeling all kinds of emotions and vulnerability …if he wanted to kiss you tonight, he would have.
The thought of letting Hyunjin go — without feeling his lips again — hurt you, but it was a reality you’d accept. You’d been all over the place with him recently, never having defined what it meant, or why you kept making out without talking about it.
Maybe it was just a summer fling for him, because he’d made it plenty clear you two could never be anything more.
You cleared your throat, dropping your hand, “Now, can we try the drink? I’m dying to taste it” 
He nodded a yes, and you held your glasses up, clinking them against each other. The sound echoed in the empty house. As you did that, he looked right into your eyes, and you felt a familiar shiver run down your spine. You lift the glass up to your lips, tasting the liquid, and Hyunjin watched you as you did so. His eyes on you made you feel a little shy, but that was soon overpowered by how good the drink tasted. 
It smelled, and tasted just like flowers and sweetness, and you let out a moan of satisfaction, “Fuck. That’s…revolutionary”
Hyunjin smiled, eyes crinkling, and only after that did he sip his drink. It tasted like a dark chocolate tart, and like flavourful berries grown on a farm.
“Have you ever considered…becoming a mixologist instead of an idol?” 
He laughed, stepping close to the counter so that he lingered at your footsteps. If you opened your legs up just a bit, he could stand between your thighs but you weren’t sure it was appropriate. So, you stayed the way you were, sitting on the countertop, and Hyunjin stood as close as possible, his lower stomach grazing against your knees.
“Maybe when I retire” He joked, swirling the drink around in his glass.
“No, but this is seriously so good” You told him, genuinely now, “Is there anything that you can’t do?”
“Stop” His face turned red, and he looked embarrassed, “It’s just a drink. I didn’t do anything else”
“Well, nobody’s ever made me a Queen of Hearts before” 
He glanced up at you, “They’re missing out on a great opportunity then”
“Mmh. I’m sure nobody’s dying to do that”
His smile fell, hand landing on your knee, “Don’t do that”
“Do what…?”
“Talk down about yourself”
You blinked. It really wasn’t your intention to do that. You were just being honest. Nobody you knew in your life, or in all of Daejon would ever make a drink like this for you. There wasn’t anything wrong with that, but it was just the truth.
So it was interesting that he interpreted it as such, as if your reply offended him.
“I wasn’t” You clarified, “I just meant…there’s not a lot of guys in Daejon with skill sets like yours”
The way you said it made you cringe, it came out sounding so professionally formal.
He looked up at you, sincere expression, “That’s…a compliment I’ve never got before”
You broke into a laugh, and absentmindedly put your hand over his, the one that rested on your knee. His hand dwarfed yours in comparison, but you drew circles over it as you talked, “Well, I have a gift and a burning desire for pleasing others or I’ll shrivel up and die”
Hyunjin laughed, squeezing your knee, and his hair was wet, but it was already beginning to dry up around his face.
“I like when you’re like that” He suddenly spoke, eyes focused on his drink, not you.
You took a sip of it too, watching him, “When I’m like what?”
“I don’t know” He looked up, “Confident. Funny. Yourself. Not…sad”
“You make it sound like I’m always depressed”
He shook his head, “You know what I mean”
“I don’t” 
He sighed, as if wondering whether to say it or not.
You drew a star on his hand, the one that rest on your knee, “Tell me. It’s our last night together anyway”
It seemed like that was the push he needed, and he placed his glass to the side, “The past few weeks you haven’t seemed the most…happy. I know that you were having a lot of trouble with your friends, and with the art program application” He trailed off, looking guilty again, “And because of me…”
You stayed quiet, letting him continue.
“I guess it was just not a great time for you. But tonight, when I’m talking to you…it feels like those problems don’t exist in the moment. I know I have to leave tomorrow, and I know you were upset about that, and you have every right to be, but right now…it feels like you’re less burdened somehow”
You didn’t know he noticed so many things about you, and so your heart warmed at just that implication. Hearing him recount what you’d been going through, you also felt a little emotional.
He looked up at you, looking a little panicked, “Or I could be completely wrong. You can correct me”
“No” You refuted, “You’re not wrong. I do feel…less burdened. I guess I just never thought of it like that. For me, it just felt like each day was getting progressively worse. I didn’t look at it from any other perspective”
“Yeah… but things will work out for you, Y/N” He said so simply, “I know that sounds preach-y, but… it may feel like everything in your life is going wrong somehow, but I assure you it’s not. Every bad day you’ve recently had…all of that won’t matter soon enough, and so you have to know that this sadness isn’t forever”
You blinked, staring at him. Absentmindedly, his hand slid further up your leg, drifting from your knee to your thigh. You let it.
He pushed his stray hair back with his other hand, tucking the strands behind his ear, “And I know how much this art program meant to you, I’ve had my share of failed dreams before, so I know how gut-wrenching it is, but this isn’t the end of your art journey. You know that right?”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Well, it can’t be. You have a gift, and…I know that it’s not going to waste”
You smiled, cheeks full from his words, “You have a gift too, you know?”
He locked eyes with you, and he was blushing too, and his fingers rest at your upper thigh now, “Yeah? What’s that?”
“You have...such a good heart, Hyunjin”
His eyes widened, hanging on to your every word.
“You’re the kindest person I know. It doesn’t sound like much, but…I’ve not met many people like you, genuinely good people. I respect that…a lot. You deal with so much bullshit in your life, but you still find a way to be happy”
His eyes lit up, a gorgeous smile appearing on his face, “Isn’t that the point of everything? The endgame”
You laughed, “It is. It what we’re all working towards. I just wish everyone else could be like you”
He smiled at your words, and you would miss this so much. The kind of ideas that you could talk about for hours. He looked beautiful like this. He looked like the most beautiful thing in the world when he was happy. He was shy too, biting his upper lip, and his cheeks were all red.
So you continued, to make that emotion last as long as you could, “I’m serious. You have such a kind heart, Hyunjin. You put your soul into everything you do, even if that’s just talking to someone at the grocery store or something. I think if someone met you, even for just a day in their life, you’d impact them forever”
His eyes crinkled with each sentence, bashful smile appearing, “Thank you”
You took another sip, and you watched him.
He was finishing his drink faster than you, and you just wanted him to be closer.
So, you lift your legs up, folding them on the counter, sitting cross-legged while facing him. His eyebrow shot up, for just a second, before he realised why you did that. He stepped closer, till his body was pressed to the counter, and his face was inches apart from you. 
He lift his glass up, indulging in the last drink, but his eyes stayed on you, and his hand was on your thigh again.
“Thank you for the drink and… for the pep talk. I really enjoyed that” You told him.
He placed his empty glass next to you, a sincere look in his eyes, “That’s what I’m here for”
You couldn’t stop yourself from smiling, and you felt like your cheekbones would hurt.
“Everybody deserves to have someone like you in their lives, Hyunjin”
He was smiling too, cheeks full, eyes twinkling, “You too, Y/N”
You went to sip your drink, but it was already empty and you stared at the glass in your lap, “I finished it”
Hyunjin stared at your lap too, and the petals in the glass balanced in the space between your legs, “Do you want another?”
“Another drink?” You looked up at him.
He nodded, and his cheeks were so flushed, so he was already a little tipsy, “We can make a stronger one”
“You have a train to catch in the morning. Is that a good idea?”
“I’ll be fine” He reassured you, “This night is more important to me than that”
You clutched the counter on both sides, and nodded, “Okay. Another drink sounds good to me then”
He nodded, eyes half-lidded, “Can I have your glass?”
You hummed, “Yeah” but you made no effort to give it to him.
So, his eyes flickered from yours, to the glass between your legs. 
Carefully, he reached for it, trying to grasp the thin stem. You didn’t move an inch, holding your breath. 
His fingers brushed against your inner thighs, and he stilled. But he didn’t say anything. 
He went straight for it, and grabbed the wine glass, so near to where you needed him the most. 
Careful, he lifted it up from between your legs, and then finally you could breathe again. He walked over to the cabinet, “What kind of drink do you want this time?”
“I’ll trust your judgement”
He busied himself yet again, explaining what he was making, using up all the leftover gin he had. You watched him as he worked. The t-shirt was fitted, and it was a little wet from the rain, sticking to his body tightly. That must be uncomfortable. 
As he moved about, pouring the gin into your glasses, you focused on how his back muscles flexed and relaxed. He was so good with his hands, as he worked swiftly and quickly.
Your head was already beginning to spin.
“You have anything to eat?” You asked.
He looked back at you, “Are you dizzy?”
“Just a bit” You reassured him with a smile, “I am hungry though”
He turned, hands on his hips, and you found it hard to focus on his face. The t-shirt was basically see-through at this point, sticking to every ridge and muscle in his body, clinging to him. 
“I might have some chocolate, but I don’t remember if I packed it in my suitcase already”
“You know what, don’t worry about it” You waved it off with your hand, “I’ll be fine”
He looked worried, “You sure?”
“Mmh-mh”
“And you’re okay to have another drink? We don’t need to” 
“No, we won’t get to do this again, so yes I’m okay”
This was your last night, your brain kept screaming at you, again and again.
He turned to finish garnishing the drink. His hair was still long enough to brush his shoulders, and it stuck to the back of his neck, and the shade of brown really suited him. You wanted to run your hands through it, feel the wet hair between your fingertips, scratch it with your nails. 
His girlfriend…she must have had the honour to do that, whenever she wanted.
Unlike you. You always had to wait for moments. 
Moments like the one in the Photobooth. Or under the fireflies.
The special moments you lived for.
You couldn’t just casually walk up to him, and kiss him.
You were a little tipsy, so you didn’t think twice, “Can I ask you about her?”
He paused, and asked you, “Her?”
“The pop star you dated” 
Understanding sank into his shoulders, and he handed you the glasses. The second round of drinks were ready. Standing opposite you, he crossed one arm over his stomach, drinking with the other hand.
“You don’t have to, if you don’t feel comfortable” You added, watching him carefully.
He didn’t seem uncomfortable.
He tipped his head back, drinking, and then looked at you, “You really want to know?”
“Yeah” You gripped the counter, and your drink lay to the side, untouched.
You added, “I mean she’s your ex, and…we’re friends. Friends talk about that kind of stuff”
He nodded, slightly, “They do”
You were relieved, never wanting to make him uncomfortable, but you were burning with curiosity.
“What do you want to know?” He tilt his head.
“How did you meet her?”
He suddenly relaxed, as if he’d been expecting you to ask much harder questions, “Oh, uh. She was training at the same company I was. On a different floor, of course. She was one of the top trainees of her year, and…we would practice at the same time, overnight. I bumped into her a few times then”
“Oh. Sounds like she worked really hard”
Hyunjin nodded, “I mean, we had no choice, but yeah…she was one of the few who really pushed herself. Some days it felt impossible to debut, so you really only made it if you worked your ass off, you know?” He then paused, as if wondering whether to say the next thing or not, but he did it anyway, “That’s what I liked the most about her”
Your gut clenched, but your curiosity overshadowed the jealousy that was eating you up.
“So…did you ask her out? Or did she?”
He took another sip of his drink, glancing briefly to the floor and then up at you, “Yeah. I had a stupid teenage crush on her”
The words were enough to make you finally pick up your drink, and perhaps you needed to be inebriated before listening to this.
A fucking crush. She must have been the luckiest girl in the world to be crushed on by Hwang Hyunjin. You wondered what she looked like, but maybe it was better not to know. She was a star, she was probably perfect.
If he ever told you he had a crush on you, you’d probably pass out. 
“Was that allowed…? To date another trainee?”
Hyunjin then laughed, shaking his head, “Um, not at all. It was forbidden”
Oh.
It was forbidden, but he did it anyway.
“You must have liked her a lot”
He hummed, swirling the liquid in his glass, “I was a stupid kid. I wasn’t thinking”
“So you regret it?”
He shook his head, “No. I needed the experience”
“Of dating?”
“That, but also…a month or so after we started going out, one of her friends was asked to leave the company because she was caught up in a scandal. A dating one. That made me realise that I was risking my entire life, and my dream, for…a girl”
“How’d you do it?”
“Do what?” He seemed confused.
Your body was alight with all of this information.
“Keep it a secret for that long”
He smiled a bit at the memory, “Um. We found ways. We’d meet after dinner, and during late-night practices. Sometimes really early in the morning”
You think you would die.
“Did you fuck?”
Hyunjin’s eyes shot up to yours, wide, surprised. 
You don’t know what the hell possessed you to say that, but you didn’t budge, indicating to him that it was okay to answer.
He slowly nodded, tongue poking his cheek, “Yeah. We did”
You were dying.
But for some godforsaken reason, you needed to know the details. As if the thoughts of his secret dating days was arousing to you.
“Tell me more”
He til his head, words at the tip of his tongue. He wanted to ask you if you really wanted to know, or why you were so curious, but he didn’t ask. 
You wouldn’t have asked if you weren’t prepared to hear the answer.
Hyunjin was staring at you, assessing every little detail of your facial expression, and you wanted to seem confident. You weren’t some kid. 
You could hear about him having sex, and not freak out.
Thoughts of him fucking some pop star should kill you, but it didn’t. Your core was tight, with anticipation, with imagination. You pressed your thighs together, waiting for him to talk.
“Um…” He paused, to take another sip. Perhaps he needed some liquid courage too sometimes, “It was never…we never had too much time on our hands. It was always quick. Rushed, but I think that’s where half of the thrill of it was. The fear of being caught anytime. If we weren’t quick, we wouldn’t have been able to…”
Your heart was pounding.
Images flashing in your head. 
He looked into your eyes, and you just nodded, for him to continue. If he looked at your hands, he would see your knuckles were white from gripping the counter too hard. 
“It was hot” He spoke, Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed, “The secrecy. The…shared glances. Nobody but us knew what went on. During group sessions, we would watch each other…in the practice room. Working out. Dancing”
“And?”
It wasn’t enough.
His eyes had a peculiar expression, like he couldn’t understand why you wanted to know all this stuff, but he told you anyway, “And…on bad days, when she was frustrated or upset, I’d…be there for her. In the way that she wanted”
You took a large sip of your drink, the alcohol sour in your mouth, and your head was beginning to spin. In a good way. You were wet too.
You didn’t think you could ever feel this way. 
You were dizzy with want, and with desire, and his name escaped your lips in what was almost a complaint, “Hyunjin…”
“Yeah?” He was immediate to step closer, keeping his glass aside. He put his hands on either side of you, caging you in place, and his voice dropped so low, “Are you gonna tell me why you wanted to know that?”
“I don’t know” You mumbled, “I don’t understand it myself”
He leaned in, watching you, “You’ve had a lot to drink”
“I’m fine”
His voice softened, and he grabbed the glass from you, “I know, but…let’s not drink anymore, okay?”
“Why?” You whined, “It’s your last night”
He out a soft laugh, “It’s not like I’m dying or anything. I’ll only be a few hours away from you”
“A few hours is a lot. I don’t want you to be even a few minutes away” You complained.
He smiled, adoration in his eyes, “So, what do you want then? To stay with me all the time?”
You nodded, eyes closing, “That sounds fair”
He laughed, loudly, “Is it really? What about my job? Is it fair for me to leave all of that?”
“What about me?” You opened your eyes to look at him. 
He was so close, just inches away. His wispy bangs stuck to his forehead, grazing his eyebrows. His eyes were full of amusement, they were so brown, and so big. 
His lips were thick, tinted with the colors of the drink, and even little accidents like that made him look perfect, like he was sculpted by a great artist. You could admire him for hours.
He tilt his head, “What about you?”
You pursed your lips, feeling sad all of a sudden, “Are you gonna forget all about me?”
His smiled, hand tracing your cheek, “You really think so?”
“Your whole life is waiting for you back there”
He nodded, “It is…”
“You have so much to look forward to” You told him. So much more than what this life here in this little small-town could give him. 
He spoke, “Maybe that’s why I’m not sad. I guess because Seoul has always been my home”
Your heart felt heavy at his confession but you understood him, “Hyun…”
“I know. It sounds horrible. I was born here, and this is where my parents used to live before we moved, and this town should mean so much more to me. I feel like I’m betraying…that”
“You’re not betraying anyone, Hyun. You may not feel this town anymore but Daejon will still always be here for you. If you ever need it”
He glanced at you, eyes wide.
“And I will be too” You continued, “If you ever need me”
His mouth parted as he whispered, “Thank you”
You swallowed, staring at his lips, “What do we do now?”
His eyes flickered over you, and he was quiet.
Your heart was racing a mile a minute, and your mind too. 
“I don’t know” He finally spoke.
Your heart carried a sense of unfulfilment.
There was more that should happen. 
You could talk to each other for hours, and it was endless. Unfortunately, time was linear.
It was finite, and yours with him was coming to an end.
You’d been here for hours, yet it didn’t feel like that.
Hyunjin was staring at you, half-lidded eyes, and empty promises swirled within them.
You swallowed your sadness, trying to find words, “Your manager, he’s going to be coming here soon, right?”
“Yeah. His train will arrive…any time now” He glanced at his phone, “He’s almost here…”
“I should go before he arrives”
Hyunjin nodded, stepping back, “Yeah. He…he can’t see you here”
You jumped off the counter, suddenly unsure what to do or say. This was it.
He was going to be gone soon.
You stared at each other, at a loss for words. You couldn’t even cry. You just felt a certain numbness. The numbness he talked about. Maybe it was the gin.
You also felt like you were in denial, like he would return soon and you’d see him tomorrow morning. 
But the last time he left…he didn’t return for years.
Why would now be any different?
“I don’t know what to say” You mumbled, stupidly. There was nothing wrong with being honest.
He was leaving, and you couldn’t breathe. The air in your body wasn’t enough, and you were panicking because you didn’t know what to fucking say. Why had nobody prepared you for goodbyes like this?
In the movies, they were so dramatic, but real life wasn’t like that.
In the books, they were so romantic, but there was no time for love in his life.
Hyunjin’s expression softened, “You don’t have to say anything. I don’t want you to be sad. We’re going to meet again, and we’ll see each other soon”
You nodded, air returning to your lungs, “Right. You’re completely right, Hyunjin”
There was no need to freak out. He wasn’t dying, or anything. 
You didn’t want this to be some big deal. You weren’t going to cry, or make a scene. 
“It’s only for a little while” He shot you a smile.
“Yeah” Your palms were sweaty, and you wiped them on your jeans. You stared at the kitchen counter, and your wine glasses lay empty. You wish you’d asked for another drink. You wish tonight didn’t have to end. You wish time wasn’t linear, and you could go back.
Fuck. If you could change things, you would have gone back just an hour tonight, and you would have told him you were in love with him.
But it was too late now. 
He was just your friend, and he would stay in touch with you, like friends did. It wasn’t any different than what Yeonjun did when he left, or even Seonghwa.
“I should go” You stated, with finality.
Hyunjin nodded, then stepped forward, closing the distance between you until he stood an arm's length away.
“Thank you for coming over” He mentioned, “I wouldn’t have been able to sleep tonight anyway”
“Of course. That’s…what friends are for” You smiled up at him.
He suddenly seemed awkward, hands at his side like he didn’t know what to do, “Can I hug you?”
Why was this so strange?
Why were neither of prepared for this?
You’d never said goodbye to a boy you loved, so you didn’t know how it worked.
You wish there was a manual for this. But even every tutorial in the world couldn’t prepare you for the look in his eyes.
You got up on your toes, pulling him into an embrace, and he immediately hugged you back. His strong arms wrapped around your body, squeezing you in his grip. 
You could smell the rain on him, a faint hint of his cologne, his shampoo. You’d want to bottle up his scent, and keep it with you forever. The air smelt like the ground after it rained, and like an unrequited love.
You tried to memorise the shape of his arms on you, and the sound of his heart beat. 
Hyunjin let go of you, far too quickly, but it was what you needed, or you’d never leave.
You were in a state of fugue, indulging in actions, but not thinking, not feeling.
You found yourself at the front door, and you don’t remember how you got here. You looked back at him, “Text me when you get to the city, okay?”
He nodded, “I will. Don’t worry, okay?”
All your words seem stuck in you. They can’t seem to make it past your chest.
Maybe a part of you thought there’d be some grand declaration of love by now, but this was real life and those things never happened.
You turned to leave.
“Wait—” He suddenly spoke.
“What?” You asked, anticipation swelling within you.
His wait held so many promises. So much hope.
Wait, I’m in love with you too.
Wait, I’m fucking stupid for leaving you all alone in this town.
Wait, please don’t leave me without kissing me goodbye.
He retreated to the kitchen counter, “Wait — your sketchbook. Don’t forget to take that” 
“Oh. Of course” You grabbed it from him, fingers brushing against his. 
“Take care of yourself” He spoke, and it was so forced. It was the right thing to say, obviously. It’s what you told people when you wouldn’t see them again for a while. 
But it felt wrong, like you were both forcing yourselves to follow traditions, and patterns, but those never worked on the two of you.
You pushed open the door, and a gust of wind blew in. The storm had passed now, so you could get home safely, by yourself, all alone. 
Looking over your shoulder as you walked out, you felt nothing. He smiled at you, but it didn’t reach his eyes. His heart wasn’t in it. 
You were drained out, and all of your emotions were spent.
You held the sketchbook to your chest, focusing on the sound of your footsteps on the wet pavement, and not on Hyunjin’s house behind you.
You heard the door close behind you, and you squeezed the sketchbook a little harder, willing yourself to walk as fast as you could.
It felt like it would be the most emotionally draining moment of your life, but you felt so numb too.
You passed his front porch and bedroom window, and you remembered the first time you’d come over. How he’d shown you all of his art, and his painting. You’d been surprised to know how wonderfully his mind worked. 
Even back then, he’d asked if he could hug you. Always so…fucking nice. 
You were already forgetting the feel of his arms around you.
You stopped in your tracks, and you shouldn’t.
You turned around.
His house was beautiful, like him. 
Tomorrow, it would be empty.
Right now, it was so full of him, of his love, and of everything that made him him.
Your body took on a mind of its own, and you were walking. 
You were walking back to his place. It was stupid. 
What the hell were you doing?
You had no plan or idea of what you’d say when you got there, but that couldn’t have been your goodbye. 
You needed to see him one more time. Just another minute.
You raised your hand in a fist to knock on his door, but before you could, the door flew open.
He stood there, staring at you, eyes wide. 
His hair was messy like he’d run his hand through it a million times since you walked away, but that was only twenty fucking seconds ago.
“Y/N…” He spoke, breathing heavy as his eyes flickered all over you, and the fact that you’d come back.
“What… what were you doing?” You had the audacity to ask him when you didn’t even know what the fuck you were doing.
He was breathing so heavy, chest moving rapidly up and down, “I don’t really know. I was coming after you” 
Realisation sank in. 
You’d come back to see him again, and in the same breath he was coming after you. 
The world was really so cruel.
How could two people be so perfect for each other but be destined to be apart?
You couldn’t say anything, except his name, “Hyun—”
And in the same breath, his lips collided with yours, so hard and fast.
The impact was so powerful you stumbled back, but his arm was tightly wrapped around you, holding you up. 
It was tight around your waist, gripping you, and he was devouring you, lips moving against yours like they never should be apart. 
You were running out of time.
You kissed him back, hands coming up to his arms, gripping his biceps tight, fingernails digging in. 
Time was running and it was slipping away every second that the Earth was turning, but his grip on you was so strong that even a planet couldn’t come between you.
You stood at his doorway, on the threshold, halfway in, halfway out.
He’d never kissed you like this. 
His hand slipped into your hair, gripping onto it so tightly it almost hurt, tilting your head back and back as he towered over you. He kept kissing you, pressing pecks against your lips, bruising them.
Your hands drifted into the front of his shirt, and you gripped it in your fists, holding onto him for life.
“Fuck—” He mumbled, in a breath between pecks. Fuck, you’re actually fucking doing this again.
Your body was heating up, and he stopped to let you breathe, moving his mouth over your jawline and leaving kisses to your ear. You were putty in his hands, and he tilt his head the other way, pecking every inch of un-kissed skin.
“You came back” He breathed, pupils dilated as he looked right at you, and both his hands came to hold your face.
“I couldn’t go” You were panting, trying to get the air back in.
“I’m gonna miss you so fucking much” His lips trailed over yours again, tracing your mouth to memory.
“I know, I know” You nodded, realising that you were both tasting your tears. You didn’t even know you had tears.
The door was wide open and it was stupid to do this now, but it was everything. The wind prickled goosebumps up your arms, and legs, and you both kissed each other goodbye.
“Can I just say something?” He asked, breathing heavy. 
“There’s no time” You told him, kissing him again, and again.
He laughed slightly, “I’ll be quick”
You pulled away, “Tell me”
He was speaking quickly, trying to get all the words out in one breath, “I know we’ve said it a million times. I know we’re supposed to just be friends, and I know nothing can happen, but…I have no self-control around you. I’m so fucking sorry”
It didn’t make you sad. You’d heard it before, and you embraced it.
“Don’t apologise” You mumbled, and your hands drifted around his waist, feeling him up. 
Was it possible to want somebody so bad, knowing it would lead to absolutely nothing?
He swallowed, “I know we have to just be friends…but I’m so fucking attracted to you. Like an absolutely insane amount. It’s impossible for me to pretend I’m not into you”
Each word he said just made you wet, and you kissed him instead of answering. 
There was no time, because when were things ever easy for you?
You felt him up, all you could, hands drifting to his ass, and to the front of his pants, squeezing him through his sweatpants.
He left kisses on your jaw, and he felt you up too. His hand squeezed your ass, the other going up the front of your shirt. His fingers grazed your bra, and he pulled you even closer to him.
“Can I take you inside?” He whispered, ”Please, please, please”
“Hyunjin, I don’t wanna be interrupted” You breathed, because that’s what always happened. 
“Me neither” He mumbled into your neck, breathing in your scent, “We won’t… go there. We won’t sleep together”
You pulled back to look him in the eyes, because it sounded impossible right now, “Would we be able to stop before that?”
He nodded, “If you can’t, I’ll stop us. Don’t worry”
How could you say no? 
So he took your hand, fingers intertwining with yours, as you found yourselves back in his bedroom. Everything was put away, and his room was empty, but you sat on the bed and didn’t break the kiss for a second.
You didn’t have the luxury to go further, but you could just kiss. So you did just that.
He didn’t pull you into his lap, because you wouldn’t be able to control yourself if he did.
Instead, you sat cross-legged, facing each other, mouths meeting in the middle like two teenagers dared to kiss at a party.
He kept his hand in your hair, the other on your waist, and it was so innocent it was sweet. Your hands rested on his thighs, squeezing the skin through his sweats.
You didn’t know much time you had left, until he had to leave, until you were interrupted. You hope his manager never showed up. 
You continued to feel him up, memorising every ridge and muscle of his body, and he let out soft moans every time you touched him somewhere new.
“I’m so glad you came back” He mumbled, “I wanted you so much”
“Why didn’t you ask me?” You almost whined, kissing his jawline, “I wanted you too”
Things got more heated, and in a matter of seconds, he was pulling you closer to him. Your knees skidded across the mattress, as Hyunjin pulled you to him. 
Nothing was supposed to happen, but somehow, you were fiddling with the knot of his sweatpants, and he had unbuttoned your jeans, pulling the button out of its loop. 
You were dizzy with desire, and his hand slipped inside your jeans, at the same time that yours did into his sweatpants. Now you really did feel like teenagers — making out with your hands down each other’s pants.
It was hard for him because the waistband of your jeans were so tight, and he seemed frustrated. If you’d known this was going to happen, you’d have worn a dress, or maybe nothing at all, so nothing could stop him from touching you.
His fingers brushed against your underwear, and you were so fucking wet it was ridiculous. You bit back a moan, he’d barely touched you but you were burning.
Everything was spinning, and you were so high off off him. His fingers pushed your panties to the side, your arousal making it harder for him to do.
“Fuck…you’re really wet” He mumbled, and his fingers touched your core. You let out a moan at the feeling.
This was the first time he’d touched you like this, and you couldn’t focus on anything. Your hand in his pants stilled, as his fingers started to brush languid circles across your clit. 
Your head fell forward, against his forehead, and he didn’t even seem to mind that you’d stopped touching his cock. He was too focused on you. 
“Shh…I got you” He breathed, kissing your jaw, as he pressed his fingers against you, truly feeling how much you wanted him. You couldn’t describe the way he touched you, as if he was caressing you, fingers brushing against your folds so delicately. Nobody had ever touched you like this.
Your mouth parted, allowing Hyunjin to slip his tongue in, and his anxiety manifested in how intensely he kissed you, like he was running out of time, like this was the last time. You let him take control, as he controlled the pace of it, making out with you. Yet, making out seemed too crude a word for what he was doing. He was savouring every kiss - no half-kisses, no pecks - mouth crushed to yours like he wanted to devour you and you’d let him.
You’d been turned on since hours. You needed more. You gripped onto his bicep tightly, your other hand buried down his pants, hoping he would get the hint. His fingers prodded at your entrance, feeling you.
“Will you let me?” He asked, voice so innocent. You’d never said yes so fast before in your life.
Your lips grazed his ear, and then his cheek, “Please, Hyun”
He pulled back to look at you, “Are you sure?”
“Please”
“Stop me if it hurts, okay?” He kissed under your ear, and then in one swift move, he pushed a finger inside you. You stopped breathing the deeper he got, and you looked at him, mouth parted. 
It didn’t hurt. He could never hurt you.
“You’re so gorgeous” He mumbled, and then he pulled his finger back, before pushing it back in. An embarrassing moan escaped you, and he smiled at your reaction. 
“You like it when I do that?” He asked, and he was out of breath, just like you. He began thrusting out, and then back in, slow, lazy strokes, like he was still getting a feel for it, familiarising himself with your reactions and your body. But there was no time for slow, or careful.
“Holy shit” You mumbled, feeling like you’d pass out, “You can —You can go deeper, and faster too...please”
You had to make him feel good too. So you went back to work, wrapping your hand entirely around his cock. It was a different kind of feeling, to be doing this with all of your clothes still on. There was a small stain at the front of his sweatpants, and he was leaking already. The sight made you dizzy and crazy.
You brushed your thumb against his tip. He let out a moan, eyes fluttering shut, “Fuck. If you do that, I can’t focus on you” 
He then thrust another finger deep inside you, stretching you open, as if in retaliation.
Your mouth fell open in a moan, eyes squeezing shut, but you didn’t stop moving your hand over his cock, “But— but you’re distracting me”
You were both a mess of whimpers and moans, and he kept fingering you open, stretching you out. You’re sure his hand was dripping with your arousal, just like yours was covered in his pre-cum.
Hyunjin became impatient, bucking his hips for more friction, and you increased your pace too.  He whimpered, back arching, and cursed loudly, fucking himself into your hand. His hair was wet with sweat, sticking to his forehead, to his neck.
“Fuck, you’re so beautiful” You told him, pressing your mouth to his.
He fingered you harder. 
Your vision was a blur, and all you could focus on was moving your hand over his length. Something about making him moan, while his fingers were buried inside you, was so fucking hot. He was too big in your hands, and you wanted him so bad. But you’d made an agreement, and you couldn’t fuck, no matter how tempting it was.
Time ticked so fast, slipping from within you.
“Are you close?” He whispered into your ear, finger fucking you slowly. It was far too much to handle. You squirmed in his grip, “Yeah. Go faster, please”
He nodded, pressing a kiss to your lips and then increased his pace. You could hear how turned on you were, the wet sounds echoing through his room.
“It’d be easier without the jeans” He mumbled, fucking you open with just his fingers, frustrated at how the waistband restricted his movements. 
“Are you close too?” 
He hummed, “I’m so close. I could cum probably just from touching you”
His words shot another wave of arousal through you, and your core tightened around him, impossibly.
“Fuck — you just…got so tight. Did you like that?” He asked you.
You nodded, no coherent thought in your head.
“Shit, come here” He said, and he pulled your hand out of his sweatpants. You whined at the loss of contact, but he pulled you into his lap instead. His arm came around to hold you up, and you were sat right on his crotch.
“What about—” You went to ask, but he shut you up with a kiss. 
His hand slipped back inside your jeans, and he slid your panties to the side again, “Let me”
You nodded, putting your hands around his neck.
He was so hard under you, and experimentally he thrust up, the friction of you on him so much, and he breathed, “Shit. That feels...amazing”
Everything was spinning, except him, “Don’t stop”
“Remember what I told you?” He mumbled, hand gripping your hip, and you nodded. 
He’d taught you how to make him feel good, back when you were still in the Photobooth. So, you dragged yourself over his crotch, slowly. It was harder to do when his fingers were still inside you, but every little movement felt amplified. 
You didn’t care about anything but him, you didn’t need this to be slow, you didn’t need it to be careful. You just needed him, and that was perfect.
His head fell back, and you kissed messily, spit between your mouths. He was thrusting up into you, to the same pace that his fingers moved inside you. It seemed like that was really enough for him too. Every little contact drove you crazy, like it was your first time touching a boy, and his first time touching a girl. There was so much novelty in the way you two moved against each other, and no finesse. Everything was rushed, every kiss messy, each feeling intensified. 
You caressed the sides of his face, “I want you to fuck me, please”
His eyes widened, but he thrust up so hard at those words, “Y/N, we can’t”
“Please, just the...just the tip”
He kissed you, “I want to, so badly, but --”
“But what?”
He looked genuinely sorry, breaking away from the kiss, “I don’t have a...condom. I'm sorry”
Oh, the irony. You wanted to scream with agony, because you don’t think you’d ever wanted someone this bad before.
“I’m so sorry” He mumbled, kissing you again, but then his voice turned darker, “My fingers aren’t enough for you?”
You clenched, “No. No- they are”
He thrust both fingers in with so much pressure, stretching you open, “Is that better?”
You pressed your lips to his, wanting to kiss him through your orgasm, because your stomach was tightening and you were so close. Hyunjin deepened the kiss, pushing his tongue into your mouth, and he was suddenly so rough and intense but you absolutely loved that.
He was breathing heavy, eyes half-lidded and consumed with lust, just like you. His lips were so puffy, and swollen, thick and full, and so pink, and he was fingering you so perfectly. Your core tightened, and you pressed your mouth to his again, to let him kiss you because you felt so out of control.
“Wait— wait, I wanna look at you” He breathed, pushing both fingers in so deep, curling them just right. All it took was to look at him for you to completely let go. 
Stars dotted your vision, and you whimpered, your entire body trembling. 
“Hyun—” You buried your face in his neck, a white hot flash overtaking you, travelling from your core to your heart, to your head. 
He was still grinding against you, faster now, lips hovering over yours, chasing a high you’d both been denied for far too long. And just seconds after, he let out a long drawn out moan, hips twitching up into you, eyes squeezed shut as he cursed, “Fuck”
For a few minutes, there was nothing but the sounds of your breaths. 
He was breathing deeply, and his hair was drenched, sweat dripping down his face, and neck and chest.
He opened his eyes. You wanted to cuddle up in his arms and go to sleep. From the look on his face, he wanted the same. You stared at each others state, and slowly he pulled his hand out of your jeans. Sweat trickled down his chin. It sparkled like glitter. You traced his jawline with your hands, soaking up the sweat into your skin.
You didn’t say anything, but he wrapped his arms tighter around your body. You gripped the front of his shirt, squeezing it in your grip. His heart was beating so fast. 
“You okay?” He asked you, his voice so gentle.
You hummed, and you felt drained, but you felt exhilarated too.
His hand rubbed your back, soothing you.
You tilt your head at him, “You?”
A smile pulled at his lips, “Yeah. I’m okay”
You traced his pecs through the shirt, not wanting him to leave. It was criminal for this feeling to end, and for this pleasure to not be yours everyday. Nothing had ever felt this good, and even in your post-coital haze, you wanted him more. 
So you blurted, “What if I did it anyway?”
“Did what?”
“What if…I moved to Seoul anyway? Maybe I could go there first…and look for a job later. I know it’s crazy and impulsive but I’ve always wanted to live there and—”
You trailed off, at his expression.
“Do you think it’s a stupid idea or something?” You chewed on your lower lip.
Hyunjin’s eyes followed that movement, and his thumb traced your mouth, “No …it’s not stupid at all. It’s what you’ve wanted for a few years, right?”
“It sounds crazy and impulsive…because I don’t even have a plan of what I’ll do, but maybe...that doesn’t matter”
Before he could speak up, his phone buzzed against the nightstand.
He glanced at it, and then to you.
Just at that minute, you heard the cab pull up. Hyunjin sighed, closing his eyes, and you got off his lap. He peeked through the blinds, “Fuck. He’s here”
“I should leave” You stood, gathering your things. There was no time to ask for his opinion anymore. Maybe he didn’t want to tell you it was a batshit insane idea.
“Hold on” He handed you his sweatshirt, the one that had dried by now, “It’s a cold walk out. You sure you’ll make it home safe?”
“Don’t worry about me” You told him, squeezing his sweatshirt in your hands, feeling silly for blurting out such a spontaneously dumb idea that made it very obvious how much you loved him.
A car door opened outside, and his manager must have stepped out. It was almost four in the morning. You were going to be leaving through the back. 
His manager couldn’t see you here. 
You’d already said your goodbyes, in the only way you knew how to.
You stepped out onto the patio, but Hyunjin grabbed your arm, urgency in his tone, “You should do it, Y/N”
You turned, confused, “Do what?”
The doorbell rang.
Hyunjin spoke quickly, “What you were just talking about. Even if you didn’t get into the program you wanted, you should move there. To Seoul”
Your eyes widened, tears filling up suddenly, and you quickly pulled him into another hug, and he stumbled into your embrace, “Thank you for saying that. I think it’d feel less scary with you there”
His lips brushed against your ear, “It’s the least I can do. Being here was less scary for me, only because of you”
He kissed you a rushed goodbye, but for the first time that night, your heart didn’t hurt anymore.
»»————-
Your morning passed in a daze. 
Time wasn’t real, as you lay on your bed, counting down the seconds until his train. Minutes stretched into hours into seconds, and you must have been more tired than you thought, because you woke up to drool on your pillow. 
The sun told you it was the afternoon. 
You’d fallen asleep in the clothes you wore to the drive-in theater. Your underwear was still wet, and reminded you of him. You were smiling to yourself like a crazy person, as you dressed yourself for work, and you put his sweatshirt on. It smelled just like him, and as you walked to work, the grass and the birds and the houses all remind you of him. 
Was it possible to fall even more in love with someone?
You were distracted, often drifting into thoughts of his moans, of the sensation of his hand in your pants, but it was frustrating because the man of your affections was moving miles away from you by the minute.
Hyunjin’s first text came at a precarious time.
You had been packing a pink acrylic canister for a customer, and the pings of your phone were so distinctive, you instantly knew it was him. It had to be Hyunjin, he must have already reached home, and you had to hold back an urge to text him back.
The phone buzzed incessantly against the glass countertop, and the lady in front of you raised an eyebrow.
“Sorry” You apologised for the ringing, “I forgot to put it on silent”
She didn’t really seem to care, “Can I try a paint swatch of the pink before you pack it up?”
“Of course” You unscrewed the cap, dipping a stray paintbrush into it, so you could show her how it showed up on paper, “Is that good?”
“Um, do you have a brighter one perhaps? I don’t think my daughter needs this one” 
You nodded, glancing behind her, “I think it’s in the third aisle”
A few more pings from your phone caught your attention.
It startled you, making you squeeze the bottle in your hands, and pink paint dripped onto your fingers and the countertop.
“Shit” You mumbled, wiping it clean with a tissue.
The customer was still busy browsing the aisles, and Mrs. Aera would be less than pleased to see you using your phone on your job, but…
It was just for a minute.
hyun
heyy
shit im sorry i couldn’t call earlier
It’s been crazy
but i just got to my dorm
i just wanted to let you know i made it 
and i was planning to paint in the train journey over, but i totally passed out lol
you
hey :)
I was just thinking of you
im so glad youre home safe <3
that sounds like something i would do ngl
keep me updated!
tell me everything in detail later please im dying
hyun
sent a photo
can you tell they missed me a lot
It was a picture of him at a stairwell, surrounded by three boys you’d come to recognise as Chan, Changbin and Jisung. They were smiling wide, teeth on display and Changbin was making a kissing face toward’s Hyunjin’s cheek, lips pouted and ready. 
Jisung was pulling at Hyunjin’s other cheek, and Chan was laughing to the side, eyes closed in pretty crescents. 
you 
they’re adorable lmao
did changbin actually kiss u haha?
In the picture you literally look like a kid embarrassed by his parents  
hyun 
they won’t let go of me ever since im back
and yeah changbin even insisted on sleeping in my bed tonight..?
i had to reassure them im not going away anytime soon 
but its sweet
what are you up to?
i hope you weren’t too tired for work 
“This pink seems like a good shade, does it not?” The customer brought you back to reality, placing a canister on the counter, and her gaze fell to the stained countertop, “What happened to your hands?”
Your screen was now tainted with pink fingerprint stains, but you didn’t care, smiling at the texts you just received. Maybe things would be okay, even when he was gone.
»»————-
 The first time he called you from the city, was when you were at the diner, and you almost fumbled your latte at the ringing. 
Seonmi raised a questioning eyebrow as you pushed your coffee cup aside.
You picked up faster than lightning. 
“Hi” You spoke, into your phone, sounding just a little out of breath.
“Hey” His voice sent shooting stars through your heart, igniting you with a newfound energy at only eight in the morning. It was hoarse, and smooth at the same time.
You’d only been texting each other the past few days, he’d been rightfully swept into the whirlwind of his life, and you’d been dying to know how he’d been. He’d given you little updates, about how it felt to move back in, to get back to his job, at how he was welcomed back by his fans so grandly. 
You’d watched his return on the news — the number of people who were there to greet him at the train station was insane, and you’d felt so proud of him. He told you that they had to close a major exit of the station, just because the company hadn’t expected that many people to show up. 
It was the first time you’d physically seen the impact he had, and it didn’t surprise you at all. People with pictures of him, banners, and slogans and signs in every language just to welcome him back from his hiatus.
He was so loved by so many people.
It’d be selfish to want to keep him just to yourself.
“Are you outside?”
“I was just grabbing coffee” You explained, pressing your phone to your ear to drown out the sounds of the diner. 
“Man, I miss The Grove’s coffee”
You twirled the cup in your hands, smiling, “It misses you too”
“I thought I’d call you when I had time. I’m headed straight to the studio after this. Guess what? The stylists love what I did with my hair, apparently the blonde is an old trend now anyway, and now they want to capture this while it’s still fresh”
You laughed, “What? You mean the cheap haircut you gave yourself?”
He chuckled, “Mmh. Something about it is raw, and apparently perfect for my comeback”
You spun on your chair, “Well, they certainly know how to make the best of a situation” 
“We’re recording till late tonight. With the new album, we’re on the clock almost all the time. We have just under two weeks to finish producing it”
“For the entire album? Is that enough?”
“It has to be” He said, “I don’t mind. It’s what I live for”
You bit your lip, anticipation coursing through you, “Can I hear it anytime soon?”
He grinned, “You’ll be the first one”
He kept his promise. 
That night, he sent you a video. 
It’s a snippet of him in the studio, and you keel at the thumbnail before you’ve even opened it. His hair was messy, like he’s straight out of bed before recording, and bulky headphones sat around his neck. 
You hear someone counting down in the background, and you wonder if that’s Chan, his producers, or someone else to help with the process. The instrumental is muted, so it’s just Hyunjin singing the backing vocals.
Eyes squeezed shut, he’s lost in the verse of the song. The cadence and tone of his voice so distinctly different from when he speaks. It’s sassy, and it’s harsh, and the cleanest rap you ever heard.
You stared in awe, earphones plugged in, sat behind the cash counter in your break, and then you watched it again, and again, until you’re called back to your shift.
You think about the video all the while you’re at the store, and you called him as soon as you’re out.
“You were so good, the verse has been stuck in my head for hours and you sound cocky as fuck, but it’s not an annoying cocky. How do you even do that?” You were belting out compliments for minutes now, and Hyunjin sat at the other end, accepting them with flushed cheeks. He was so shy right now, a stark contrast to his singing personality. 
“Stop. You make me sound better than I am. You should…be telling me to get better” He complained.
You laughed, “You’re literally already perfect at it”
“When you visit me, I’ll get you access to the studio. You can watch me record it in real time” He suggested.
The thought excites you, and you imagine watching him from the couch, through the observation window.
You imagine him coming out of the booth to take a break, all sweaty and exhausted, and he would put an arm around you. 
Perhaps you’re influenced by far too many 80s movies. Still, you imagine excessively making out with him in the recording studio until his assistants have to physically pull you off each other.
Yeah, considering the industry he’s in, that could never happen.
Over the next few days, he also sends you videos from the dance studio, and all of your feelings for him build on top of each other, like a Jenga tower destined to fall. Every day that passes, a new block is added, and you don’t know how lucky you had to be to bump into him in your life.
He dances just like he kisses, with purpose and intensity, a certain romance behind his moves, and you become guilty of obsessively rewatching the clips he sends you, finding new details every time. 
He wears simple sweatpants to the studio, and he ties his hair up into a bun, and all you want is to be there to kiss his sweat away, and reward him after his long days of work. 
It feels silly to fantasize about caring for him, like you’re a seventies housewife, but you can’t help it. You want to massage the knots from his back, brush the tangles out of his hair, and kiss him between every dance practice. 
You realise how much he’s taken over your life and thoughts, even when he’s miles away. You don’t tell him all of this, but some days you can’t help but blurt your thoughts out.
“You’re messing with me every time you send me another video” You complain to him, “How do you contain all of that talent in a singular body?”
He laughs, but he doesn’t stop. He sends you selfies of him every day from the practice room, and he’s always glistening with sweat in them, throwing up a cheesy peace sign, and it’s your new favourite picture, until he sends you another the very next day.
You sit on your bedroom floor, fiddling with the strings of your hoodie as you talk to him, “What’s your schedule like right now?”
He’s at the headquarters of a high-end international magazine, in the waiting room as he talks to you. You can’t help but feel special that he takes out this time for you, “Well, I stay in the recording studio till late, and when I’m home…I’m trying to paint as much as I can before passing the fuck out. I just started a few days ago but it helps me destress. It gives me time to think about what happened in my day. It’s so…cathartic”
You smiled, so glad he found time to paint again, “Are you cheating on Aera’s with that art shop in Hongdae?”
He laughed, “Yeah. The cashier’s pretty cute here too”
You roll your eyes, “Funny…I hope you’re still making time to eat”
“Yeah, Jisung is my self-appointed manager for the moment. They’re smothering me with love”
“What, he cooks for you?”
“God no, he’d burn the dorm down. He just gets me my favourite takeout. Man, I missed takeout so much I didn’t even realise. There’s a Thai place down the street, and I’m basically surviving on it”
You rolled your eyes, “Yeah, Daejon isn’t boujee enough for a Thai restaurant”
He giggled, “I miss the hilltop bakery, although Chan introduced me to this cake shop. It opened just a month ago, it’s some European franchise but fuck if it isn’t the best pastries I’ve had”
You laughed, “It seems like you’re really enjoying yourself”
“Yeah. Everything’s really good”
“Yeah?” You stretch your legs out on your bedroom floor, and as you talk to him, you’ve been sketching in your notepad too, “How are the boys?”
He falls quieter, “Well…Jisung is still dealing with the fallout and backlash from that article. Did I ever tell you my company sued the media outlets who leaked the private information about him? All of his therapy notes and everything?”
“Yeonjun told me that there was some court case” You admitted, heart feeling heavy, “How’s that going?”
“It’s exhausting. There’s so many legal proceedings, but I have hope that Jisung will win the case”
You don’t know too much about this works, “Do you have to testify too?”
“If it comes to that, I will. Jisung wants me to stay out of that spotlight though. He says I’ve already been through enough with my hiatus”
You nod, “Then that’s probably for the best”
“I have to be careful though. The media seems to have a personal vendetta against us right now”
“God. That must be scary. Just take care of yourself”
“I am. Don’t worry. But the other day it was crazy, they surrounded our dorm and it made it impossible to leave”
Your eyes widen, “That doesn’t sound too safe. Can’t the company do something?”
He nods, “Our managers take care of it, but not much else can be done. The area outside our dorm is a public space. Legally, anybody can hang out there, and nothing can stop them from waiting for us”
You sighed, putting down your pencil, “You’re a saint for going through all of this, for your job”
He let out a bitter laugh, “It is my life, so I’m kind of used to it”
“That’s crazy” You mumble.
He nodded, “Hold on. They’re calling me in for the fitting now”
Your eyes widened, the prospect of him dressed up exciting you already, “Did they already show you the outfits you have to wear?”
He hummed, “They told me the theme too. You’ll love it.”
“Tell me”
He laughed, “I gotta go”
“Wait, what?” You protest, but he hangs up before telling you.
The pictures arrived at an unassuming time, catching you off guard.
Hyunjin had sent you ten different photos. You’d been wondering what the theme could have been for the past few hours, but it became very obvious as you scrolled through them all.
2000s fashion. 
Of fucking course.
In the first photo that you see, he was in a cropped jacket, the fabric shimmering under the changing room lights. His phone was held in front of his face, hiding his features and his hair was pushed back by a hairband. He still managed to make it look so sexy.
You stopped everything you were doing, scrolling through the myriad of pictures and outfits he’d bombarded you with.
The denim jeans fit snugly on his hips, patchwork across the thighs. 
You scrolled to the last one, and the jacket was unzipped. You realised why he’d said you would love it. He revealed a cropped baby blue t-shirt, with rhinestones across the hem. The shirt rose enough to show his bellybutton piercing and clenched abs.
You held your breath, staring at the pictures. A thin choker adorned his neck too, and he was slightly smirking in the picture.
He wanted you dead.
you:
wow.
hyun
is that all?
the photoshoot just ended so im going back
you:
i don’t really know what else to say
you look really fucking hot…like you’re so gorgeous in that
the outfit is…perfect on you
but i can’t imagine you ever wearing it here
it’s not your style, right?
hyun:
haha 
you know me so well
i really hate crop tops lol
but …
you
but?
hyun
i know you too :)
so i took a picture just for you
He sent it to you, making your heart stop.
In it, he was sat on the fitting room bench, legs spread. But this time…the rhinestone choker wasn’t around his neck anymore.
It was held between his teeth. 
It was so fucking sexy, you sat up in bed, staring at it, a feeling shooting through your body. You have to remind yourself how to breathe. You don’t reply for a few minutes, and he texts you again.
hyun
what, you have nothing to say now?
He’s so fucking cocky, but it makes you dizzy.
you
i hate you for that picture
hyun 
haha
i knew you’d love it 
»»————-
The next few days were a blur, and you felt a frenzied mess, like you were falling in love with him all over again. 
Hyunjin in Daejon was…a sweetheart, but Hyunjin in Seoul…was a fucking menace. 
You don’t know what it was that changed.
He’d tease you more often, exuding a calm confidence that tortured you at nights. 
Even though you couldn’t talk to him as often, the moments that you did were special. He’d send you pictures, snippets of his day, voice messages about how the album was going or random things the boys did at the dorm.
You lived through him.
In turn, you sent him parts of your life.
The way the sunset set perfectly against the Creek, the exorbitantly rich guests at the Château that were dressed to the nines, the sketches you drew and left unfinished but still sent him.
You found out through Seungmin that Hyunjin had donated all of his leftover paints to The Château, which were worth hundreds of dollars, just so they wouldn’t go to waste while he was away. You were once again, struck by how kind he was to have thought of that.
On mundane nights, he’d send you audio recordings of their unreleased songs, pictures from the studio of him, headphones slung around his neck, tired and weary eyes.
You tried to keep each other updated, not that there was much happening in your life at the moment. Still, you’d send him pictures of you with Yeonjun, of the store, of his favourite order at the diner. 
Every notification, every ping on your phone would send lightning through your veins, knowing it was him on the other end. 
In the days that followed, you heard his voice less, and instead read about his day in wrapped-up summary text messages, paragraphs that flowed for hours, leaving you to scroll through your phone. You’d make it a habit to sit in your favourite booth in the diner, as your paper straw turned soggy in the milkshake, you’d type out every single one of your thoughts. 
Vicariously, he lived through it too.
Your texts with him flowed like a personal diary, a newsletter on all the gossip in Daejon. You told him about the time you bumped into Hana at the diner, and she smiled at you, and you didn’t know what to do.
Somehow, he feels guilty for the rift between you and her, but you tell him it’s not his fault. If your friendship could be broken up by just a boy, it clearly wasn’t strong enough.
But then the next time you see her at the diner, she comes and sits across you.
You’re so shocked that you can barely process it, and she seems unsure too.
“Is there something wrong?” You asked her.
“Does something have to be wrong for me to talk to you?” She replied.
You shrugged, “Considering the last time we spoke—”
“I heard Hyunjin left town. Are you okay?”
You frown, feeling defensive, “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You two were close” She stated, obviously, “Everybody in town knows that”
Maybe it’s your closeness with Hyunjin that makes you feel brave.
You want to say something mean. 
You want to say something honest. 
Everybody in town also thinks he cheated on her with you, after everything she said at the Lakehouse party. 
After she yelled at you in front of everyone.
But you’re past that, so you don’t say it.
“I don’t really care what everybody in town thinks”
It’s tamer than what you had in mind, but it has the same intended effect.
Her eyebrows shoot up, and she’s clearly not expecting that response.
“That doesn’t sound like you” She finally said.
“Yeah, well maybe you don’t know who I am anymore. You haven’t talked to me in months”
“I’m sorry. Yeonjun coming back to town threw me off the loop. You know I never got over him”
“That doesn’t mean you can just take it out on me. I told you that night that…that I got rejected from an apprenticeship I’ve always wanted. You didn’t even ask me about that”
She sighed, running her hands through her hair, “I’m sorry, okay? I don’t really know what you want me to say. I’m not gonna apologise for being upset”
“That’s not what I’m asking you to do, Hana” 
“Then what are even saying? It’s been weeks since that fight. I thought you’d moved on from it”
You stare at her. The innocence in her big eyes, the curls in her hair, the princess corset top she had on. It doesn’t affect you anymore. You used to get so hurt by the things she said. So personally offended. You want to confront her, and tell her about it. You want her to know that she hurt you, but you’re so sick of drama, and of confrontations.
Right now, you feel past it. 
The past few months and all of the things she said still hurt you, and maybe one day you can make things up with her. You just don’t think that day is today.
So you stood up, and she stared at you, confused.
Grabbing your bag and sketchbook, you mumbled, “You’re right, Hana. I have moved on from this”
»»————-
One day, Hyunjin sends you a new painting he worked on.
It’s a vase of flowers. Dahlia.  
It’s rendered beautifully. The shadows, the texture of the petals, and the lighting on the glass.
“When do you even get the time?” As soon as he called you, you asked him, “You’re getting so much better, Hyunjin. I’m serious, like the art you made here…this is already on another level from that”
He smiled, “Are you proud of me?”
“Of course”
“Can you tell me how I can get better?”
You don’t feel too worthy of sharing your knowledge, and you tell him that. After all, you’re not an expert or anything. 
He shuts you down instantly.
“You’ve been painting since before you could talk” He replied, “I want your opinion, Y/N”
You sighed, staring at the picture, “I think your shadows are getting better. Have you tried using a wider brush for the water, with thick bristles? I think the ripples will blend much easier”
“Really?” He asked, “I think right now, it looks too fake somehow”
“Yeah, but I think that’s because you’ve drawn out every wave and the lines are too sharp. Try blending the edges so it fades naturally, okay?”
“Okay, I’m gonna try that this weekend”
“I’m really glad you make time to paint, Hyunjin”
He laughed, “It’s a necessity. I lose myself in it, and it’s just me and the canvas for all those hours. Nothing else matters”
“Sounds familiar” You smiled, “Maybe one day, if you have time, we can paint on video call together”
And then he called you that very weekend.
The computer screen illuminated your face and his, as you painted in the dead of the night. You were set up in your bedroom, an assortment of paintbrushes and watercolours surrounding you. You painted with your fingers, often getting distracted by Hyunjin across the screen. 
His space was cleaner, more organised because he had less space to work with. A bag of chips lay at your side and you pushed your hand into it, lazily munching on it as you watched him frown over a color choice. 
“I think you’re going to love the song I’m working on with Chan” He said, after a while.
“Yeah?” 
“It’s…a sexy, contemporary kind of R&B. I can imagine you liking it”
You only have one, predictable question, “When can I hear it?” 
He laughed, “We’re still writing it”
You hummed, focusing on blending the ocean in your canvas, dabbing at your canvas to experiment with a new style. You savour the moments, because he hardly has this time.
“Can I say something cheesy?” He asked, and you look up to see that he’s sipping on some drink. A fancy cocktail that Chan probably made him. In the back, you can see his bed, and his things, and you wish you can see his room in Seoul. 
You want to know what he decorates it with, and what clutter he has there.
“Yeah?”
The way he’s leaning over his webcam, you can see into his shirt. The navy button-up is loose, and the top few buttons are undone. The sleeves are rolled up, which was probably a good decision since his arms are stained with pink paint. His hands are busier too, with more rings and more bracelets on them.
Hyunjin’s more boujee in the city too.
His cheeks are suddenly red as he confesses, “When I get stuck in the middle of the writing process, I think of you, and it really helps”
You sat up on your knees, cherishing this new bit of information, “What do you think about?”
He flushed, “You know…just our time together. Chan teases me about it. He says you’re my muse or whatever”
He doesn’t say much more, but he’s so shy so you don’t ask. You don’t react as much as you want to either. You want to jump, or scream, or kick your feet giggling. 
It’s a moment you etch into your brain forever.
You’re his muse, and it’s fitting because he’s always been yours.
As the hour passed, your focus grew, and you almost forgot he was on the other side. Almost.
Hyunjin is focused too, and he’s humming a familiar tune. The call lasts for over two hours, and it’s the most you’ve talked to him recently. 
When you’re both done, you show him your canvas; he shows you his, and you marvel at his improvement. He’s painted a beautiful lighthouse, ocean waves crashing into the rocks, and he explained every color choice to you. 
You could hear him talk about his art forever, and you sit in awe, as he expressed his reasoning behind every aspect. He’s gotten so much better at art, and he’s really a prodigy. 
You then do the same, lifting your canvas up to show him the landscape, and he leans in really close to the camera, eyes wide as he takes it in.
“That’s beautiful” He mumbles, still staring at your painting, “I don’t know how you do it so well every time”
You smiled, because art was your favourite thing in the world, and Hyunjin complimenting it made your heart swell.
He was suddenly smiling, and he said, “I…also visited an art gallery last week. I met someone” 
Your eyebrows shot up, and your smile fell so fast.
People only said that in one specific context. When they were into someone.
“You met someone?”
“Yeah” Hyunjin smiled, “She’s…this prodigy. Chan introduced me to her, she’s so young and she’s actually the owner of the entire place and guess what she said to me?”
You didn’t want to know.
“I don’t know” You replied, hoping your indifference wasn’t visible.
“She said one day I could display my own work up there. Isn’t that fucking insane? I mean, I just started out with art”
“How does she know your work?” 
He didn’t comment on your lack of excitement, but he just said, “Oh, Chan showed it to her. I was embarrassed, but it was worth it”
“That’s really nice of her” 
He nodded, “Yeah. She was really sweet. And oh! The reason I’m telling you this was because she used to intern for Kim Jieong, maybe she can help you out with the--”
“No, it’s okay” You’re quick to interrupt.
He then asked why you haven’t applied to another apprenticeship again. 
You put aside your paint supplies, you’d lost motivation anyway. You dragged your laptop onto your bed, as you told him, “I told you. I’m not really confident, and I’m not looking forward to another rejection”
He stopped you before you can continue, “You’ve got nothing to lose then. Please, at least try. For me”
He’s sleepy, and his eyes kept closing, but he stayed up just to convince you.
You sighed, “Fine. I’ll apply, but don’t expect anything, please. You’ll be disappointed”
“You could never disappoint me” 
»»————-
Your days unfolded with a slow pace, summer fading away into the months of autumn. 
You found solace in your friends — in movie nights with Minho, in spending time with Yeonjun before he had to go back to work. After all, there was only so long he could be on vacation for. He had to go back to where he belonged. 
It was easier to not miss Hyunjin when you were occupied, busy with your endless shifts, navigating between finding time to paint but also to enjoy the leftovers of summer. 
The night they finished recording the album, Hyunjin called you drunk.
You’d seen him tipsy on a few occasions, but never like this.
He was laughing about something when you picked up, talking to other people at the party. The background was loud, and you struggle to hear anything. 
“Hyun?” 
“Guess what?” He asked you.
“What?”
“We finished the album. Like, for real. Every track is actually ready” He announced, and you hear a cacophony of sounds in the background, “We’re at my manager’s apartment, all of us, and the whole crew. It feels so fucking good”
“Congratulations” You smile, “That’s…really cool”
“Jisung made me drink…far too much” He giggled, “I liked the wine though, Chan found it in this cool store but then me and Binnie…we did body shots, and guess what? Chan fucking did body shots too! It was so insane. He also invited the girl from the art gallery, which is so funny. Apparently, she has connections in our industry too. She’s the daughter of --” 
“Wait, you did body shots?” You interrupted him, not really wanting to hear about the very successful artist prodigy girl in his life.
“It was insane. Just like Seungmin told us”
You could tell he was walking around the room, because he’d randomly trail off and talk to someone.
The more he rambled on the other side of the phone, the more you wished you were by his side. He must be standing near the speakers, because suddenly his voice would get drowned out by the music.
“I…can’t hear you, Hyun” You spoke, snuggling into your blanket. 
Your bed was the stark contrast of where he was right now; in a room full of pounding music, and you wondered what kind of parties they even had, or how wild they were. If they did body shots, they must already be pretty wild.
“Sorry” He apologised, walking off to a quieter area, “Can you hear me now?”
“Yeah, I can”
“Fuck. I miss you so fucking much” He suddenly mumbled, voice dropping, “Why aren’t you here?”
“I miss you too” Your heart squeezed, “But you should get back to the party—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that Y/N?” A loud voice interrupted, and you heard a loud struggle on the other end, making you pull back from the phone.
“Give me the phone back, Changbin!” Hyunjin yelled.
You sat up in bed, “Hello?”
“Hey!” Changbin’s voice was louder than you expected, and he sounded really drunk too, “You must be the girl who stole him away from us for months and months. I have every reason to hate you”
“Stop!” Hyunjin spoke in the background, “Don’t announce it to the entire party”
“Now you’ve taken him back though” You replied to Changbin.
“Eh, you’re right” He laughed, “So tell me, on a scale of 1 to 10—”
“Changbin, give me my phone back!” Hyunjin sounded exasperated, and you could imagine them running after each other.
“Let me finish!” He groaned, and then his voice became clearer again, “On a scale of 1-10, how big of a dumbass is Hwang Hyunjin for—?”
“Fuck. Is that her?” Another person interrupted in the background, and you felt overwhelmed by the multitude of voices. 
“Jisung, can you please ask him to give me my phone back?” Hyunjin sounded annoyed now, voice further.
“I’m sorry, this prick won’t let me talk to you for five whole minutes!” Changbin apologised, and you’d never met him but his energy seemed exactly like you’d imagined.
Still, you could hear Jisung in the background, struggling after the phone, and it made you feel special. They were miles away at a fucking album party, but gave their attention to you.
“Is that Hyunjin’s girlfriend?”
Your eyes widened at the word.
Hyunjin’s frustrated drawl interrupted, further away from the speaker but you still heard it, “Stop, Jisung. She’s just my friend. How many times do I have to say that, and don’t announce it to the party!”
Your smile faded, stupidly. He was right. 
“Then I can have her?” Changbin interrupted.
There was another scuffle, until Hyunjin was at the phone again, “Hey, I’m so sorry. They…took you hostage”
A breathy chuckle followed, drowned out by his friends laughs in the background.
“That’s okay. Don’t worry about it” You fiddled with your blanket, “You should enjoy the party, Hyun”
“No, no, I called you because I missed you”
“I can’t really even hear you” You spoke, “We can just talk tomorrow. Please just have a good time tonight, okay?”
“All right. I’ll call you later” Hyunjin spoke, like he was distracted by someone.
“Who are you talking to you?” An unknown voice interrupted, and you guessed they were probably talking to Hyunjin.
And you heard Hyunjin mumble, “Nobody” before he hung up.
You laid back in bed, and it was too quiet, and you felt lonelier than ever.
»»————-
Fallen leaves drifted in the pool, from the canopy up above. One drifts towards you, and you picked it up in your hands, watching the water seep through the half-eaten leaf. It’s orange.
“The leaves are already changing color…or is it just me?”
“It’s just you” Minho answered, and you roll your eyes.
“What are you doing here all by yourself?” He asked, swimming over to you, “The rest of the party is over there”
“I’m not really interested in playing” You told him, looking over to where everyone indulged in a pool volleyball game.
“So you’re out here looking at leaves. God, I’m lucky to be your best friend”
“Shut up” You shove him, and he laughs, falling into the water.
As soon as he resurfaces, he splashes you.
“Don’t be annoying, Minho” You mumbled, rubbing the saltwater out from your eyes.
“You’re no fun” He grumbles, and lays on his back to float in the water.
You stare at the leaves floating around you again, drifting into a pattern, and a sole flower is in between them. A dahlia.
“Can’t believe summer is almost over” You remark.
“You sure made the most of it though, Y/N” He smiled, eyes squinting against the bright overhead sun. You don’t respond, and he lifts his head to look at you.
“What?” He asked, “You can’t deny that it’s the most eventful summer we’ve ever had”
You peered down at your nails, the paint was chipping off, “Right. Losing my best friends sure is memorable”
“You didn’t lose them, Y/N”
You gestured to the space around you, that usually would be occupied by Hana or Felix, “I don’t see them here”
Minho sighed, swimming closer to you, “What’s got you in such a mood?”
You shook your head, feeling silly for feeling this way, “Nothing” 
He rolled his eyes, “Tell me”
You sighed, fixing the straps of your bikini to avoid looking him in the eye, “Hana tried to talk to me a few days ago. She wanted to fix things, but I didn’t. Does that make me a horrible person?”
“Do you feel like a horrible person?”
You looked up at him, “No. I…chose my peace over another fight. I think I made the right decision”
“You knew the answer to that already, Y/N. Then what is bothering you?”
“Fine. Hyunjin called me last night, from the release party” 
“And that’s a bad thing…why?”
“Not really, I guess it put things into perspective. He’s…out there being successful and celebrating that success, and I’m here, doing absolutely nothing.”
“You’re at a pool party with me. That’s not nothing”
“You know what I mean” You sighed, leaning against the pool wall, “He’s probably even going to display his stuff at an art gallery soon. Some girl fell in love with his art…and he’s always busy…in a totally insane location, or doing something so fucking cool, and I’m in the stupid art shop”
His texts have been less than frequent. You understand, because he’s swamped with work. The press tour has been underway for a week now, and if he wasn’t at some fancy magazine building, he was probably holed up in the studio for re-recordings. There’s still time till the album's release, and if you know anything about the band, they’re perfectionists. They’ll work themselves to the bone, till the end.
“Well, yeah. He’s…an idol, with a crazy fucking life. You’re living a normal life. He would probably give everything to exchange places with you, and not have anything to do”
“I guess you’re right” You realised, and you glance up to see Yeonjun.
He’s laughing loudly, sunglasses on his head, as he throws the ball to the other team. He’s leaving soon, and this pool party is a going away gift. After all, he’s the only one of your friends with a pool. Yeonjun looks happy, and beautiful in the sun. It was low-key, exactly like Yeonjun wanted it, and you’re so glad Minho and him are on talking terms again.
“And I don’t believe you. That’s not why you’re upset” Minho spoke, blocking the boy from your view.
“Why can’t you just take my word for it?”
“Because I know when you’re lying to me. So tell me, what’s got you being so bitchy to your only friend within 35 miles?”
“Ouch!” He yelled, when you pushed him again.
“Stop being a smartass”
“You’ve been floating on cloud nine the past few weeks, what’s wrong now?”
You stare back at Yeonjun, as he dives to retrieve his sunglasses, and his other friends are teasing him.
“I never told you but I applied to an apprenticeship in the city” You blurted.
Minho’s eyebrows shot up, “What? Today?”
“No…a few months ago. At the start of summer” 
His brows were furrowed, confused, “Oh”
“That’s kind of why I’ve been working all these jobs…so I could save up one day and move to the city”
He swam closer to you, “Why are you telling me this now?”
You shrugged, and the water feels nice and calm around you, “I thought you’d hate me for it”
He’s quiet for a few minutes, “That’s not true. I’d like to think I’ve grown from when Yeonjun left. I mean I’m at his party right now. Isn’t that saying a lot?”
You smiled at him, “That’s probably why I’m telling you now”
Minho laughed, “So did you get it?”
“Nope” You sighed, “I wasn’t good enough for it”
“What, so you’ve given up already?”
You frowned, “No, but I’m still waiting on them to hear back. I contacted them again regarding my application”
Minho smiled, “Hyunjin knows, right?”
“Yeah”
“Of course he knows. You tell him literally everything. I’m gonna have to fight him one day”
You laughed, “I’d pay to see that”
He reaches forward, picking out a leaf stuck in your hair, “You really miss him, huh?”
“I hate texting him. It’s so impersonal and distant”
“Have you video-called him?”
You sighed, “Through my shitty computer screen, yeah”
“I think you need a vacation, Y/N” He laughs.
“I’ve been on vacation, like for months”
“No, I mean a vacation, away from your job, away from Daejon. Just go see him”
Your eyes widen and you looked at him, “Isn’t that a bit crazy? I mean, we’re not dating”
He rolled his eyes, leaning back in to float, “The day you stop worrying about what other people think, is the day you’ll live a much better life, Y/N”
He then begins talking about other things, but his words stick in your head, and an idea begins to form.
»»————-
You help Yeonjun pack, and on his last night in town, you sit on his couch again, talking about everything that was. He tells you of his consistent fights with Hana, and his efforts to rekindle their relationship which went in vain. It’s strange to think he came back to town, just to make things right with her.
He tells you that him and Hana have grown apart, and perhaps they were never meant to be together. 
He says that he’s letting Hana go, and it’s a bittersweet moment which you drink to. 
You think nothing could make you let go of Hyunjin.
When you get really tipsy, you fantasise of him even more, and scroll back through your chats, reading his old texts, smiling to yourself. Yeonjun catches you, and calls you a hopeless romantic, and you’ve never thought of yourself that way, but it rings true. 
You both lay in bed, and you talk until he has to go, and you realise how much you hate goodbyes.
»»————-
The next time Hyunjin texted you, you were sat at the steps of the art shop, waiting for the rain to pass. 
hyun
hey
sorry ive been filming all day
you
ohh, what have you been filming?
didn’t the album recording finish last week?
hyun
ah no the press tour is still left 
you
oh right, sorry I have no idea how this stuff works lol
hyun
right now we’re doing some promo content for a teen magazine 
after this we still need to go to a music video shoot
It’s for an american talk show
isn’t that crazy?
you
wow…
you’re going to be so popular
but i hope you can get some sleep
hyun
we’re filming till 4 am tonight
i doubt it
what are you up to?
you
um im stuck at aeras because of the rain :/
i always forget to carry an umbrella
hyun
you miss me?
You stared at the text, tears inexplicably filling your eyes, and you don’t know why.
It had only been a few weeks since he was gone, yet it felt like he was drifting away.
Of course you missed him.
You missed him an insane amount, and ever since he’d been gone, you’d been going through the motions of daily life, not even really enjoying anything.
He was so far away. 
You’d tried to not let the sadness overtake you, because it was silly and childish.
You missed his calming voice, and his hand in yours, and the taut string of tension between you every time you met.
You missed the uncertainty of Hyunjin.
The not-knowing.
With him, you could never tell. It could be a mundane afternoon, until it wasn’t. Until his hands were around you, and you were kissing, and you knew it was so wrong to be attached to that.
Your phone buzzed, and he was calling you, snapping you out of your thoughts.
“Hey” You mumbled, your voice softer and shakier than you intended.
“Is everything okay…?”
“Yeah” You swallowed, “Sorry, I was just about to reply”
“No, don’t worry. I just got worried. I thought—” He trailed off.
“What did you think?”
“I thought I crossed a boundary…or something”
You paused, trying to comprehend his words. All he’d done was ask you if you missed him. How could that be a boundary when you and Hyunjin had said so much more? Done so much more? 
Was missing each other not even okay anymore? Was it too much for him?
Another sob threatened to break at the implication.
“Y/N? Are you still there?” He asked, voice soft and calm, not knowing the storm it brewed inside you.
You mumbled, “Yes, I’m here”
“Okay” He spoke, letting you breathe.
“I’m sorry, I just…I guess I miss you more than I thought I would” You admitted, hoping it wouldn’t be too much for him. That it wouldn’t push him away.
“Oh” 
“Yeah”
“I…miss you too, Y/N” 
It calmed your racing heart.
“I wish I could see you” You fumbled through the words, “It’d make me feel so much…better”
Hyunjin was quiet for a while, “I’m sorry”
“It’s…not your fault” A smile graced your lips, because he had no reason to apologise for your lives being so separate from each other.
“It is. I’m sorry I’ve been away…I got really caught up with everything here. Seeing my friends again, having this life back, it was more overwhelming than I thought. But don’t worry…I’m doing really well here”
“Yeah?”
“I’ve been painting a lot more when I’m free, or when I’ve had a horrible day”
Your heart clenched at his tone, and the implication that it was only a few weeks since he was gone but he’d already had multiple horrible days. 
“Yeah? I’m glad it helps. That means…coming home wasn’t a waste”
“A waste?” He repeated, confused, “Why would you say that?”
You pulled at your laces, watching the rain fall at your footsteps, “Nothing, Hyunjin. It doesn’t matter”
“You seem…upset. Did I say something wrong?”
You pulled your knees up to your chest, away from the pitter patter of the drops, “I told you. I really wish you were here. I know it’s impossible”
“Yeah…”
“This morning, I was watching the news…about Jisung’s trial. How’s it going?”
“It’s…okay. He’s so tired already, he kind of just wants to settle but the company lawyers are pushing for more”
“I’m sorry. That sounds so exhausting” You bite your lip, because their lives are already as stressful as they could get, and this legal battle plays in the backdrop like a nuisance.
“They’re also restricting a lot of shit for us. We have to be careful each time we step out in public, and Jisung even has to monitor every phone call…same with Chan and Kairi”
“How long is it going to last?”
“Hopefully not too long, but anyway, that’s not important right now at all. You sound upset. How are you?” He asks, voice becoming softer all of a sudden.
You fear you’re going to sound like a broken record if you tell him you miss him again. These days you seem to fill all your silences with just those words. Would he get sick of hearing them? Is this how long distance relationships are like? Endlessly telling each other you miss them, but never being able to do anything about it.
Instead, you end up saying something absolutely crazy, “Hyun, can I come see you?”
You don’t intend for the words to leave your brain, much less your mouth. In fact, you didn’t even know you were going to say them. You haven’t had time to plan, but Minho’s conversation rings through you. You’ve been saving up to go to Seoul your whole life. You can spare a vacation. It would be worth it if it means you see him.
Hyunjin is quiet, and then he breaks the silence with a chuckle, “W-what?”
“Um, sorry that sounds out of nowhere. I just…I really want to meet you. I miss you, and it sounds like you’re going through a lot. Maybe it’ll help” You trail off, leaving the suggestion up in the air.
“I…I’m not sure, Y/N”
You nod, because it is crazy, “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Fuck, I’m so sorry but I…I don’t think I can meet you. Right now, with everything that’s going on, I honestly don’t have the time and…” He trails off.
You nod again, “Yeah. I understand”
“I’m sorry”
“It’s okay. It’s bad timing”
“It’s bad timing” He repeats, yet his tone is definitive and final.
You can’t seem to see a time in the future which would get better. After the album release, he was going to go on a press tour, and then start preparing for the next album, the music videos, the solo photoshoots…the world tour.
Hyunjin was never going to have time for this, and your throat becomes clogged with a broken dream.
He sighed, softly, “How are you going to get home then, if it’s raining?”
“I’ll wait it out”
“What if it rains till morning?”
You smiled, your silence saying enough.
“I’ll stay with you” He says.
Your brows shot up, “What? Don’t you have…a schedule or an interview to get to?”
His voice came in softly, “It doesn’t matter. I’ll stay with you, till the rain ends”
Now, you wished it would never end.
»»————-
The incessant abuse of your doorbell woke you up. It had been pressed countless times, and it was half past nine. 
Why the hell would anybody come to see you this early?
Last night, Hyunjin had stayed on the call as you’d walked home by yourself. You didn’t talk the whole way, of course. In between, he would be quiet, and you’d only hear the rustling of papers and his pencil as he sketched away in his condominium. You’d hear his breaths, and occasionally, he’d say something. 
In moments like this, he was a man of few words. You appreciated that, because it was nice, to just exist with him. Although, you were slightly embarrassed at how many times you told him you missed him.
Turning over in your bed, you pushed the pillow over your head to make the noise disappear. 
A buzzing of your phone, followed by another short bursts of the doorbell made you sit up.
Who could be here to see you, so urgently, and so fucking impatiently?
“What the hell” You mumbled, getting out of bed, and rushing barefoot on the cold tiles, to answer, and in your sleepy daze you hoped it was him. That by some miracle, Hyunjin had heard your wishes and come to see you.
On the other side of the door, with bagels in hand, stood Felix. 
A hood pulled over his head to protect from the rain, he certainly looked a vision. 
Your sleep disappeared, in lieu of confusion, “Yongbok?”
He smiled, perfect teeth on display, “Morning. I…see that you were still asleep”
You hugged yourself, realising how exposed you were in your sleep shorts and tank. Although that had never been a problem around him before, “I mean yeah…it’s barely ten”
He cocked his head, “It’s almost noon”
“What?” Your heart dropped, “You’re kidding me”
“I’m really not” He laughed, and then said, “Are you going to let me in? It’s freezing out here”
You realised he was standing in the pouring rain, and you stepped back, “Oh, of course”
You still didn’t know what he was doing here, but years of friendship fell back into place and you let him in.
He pulled the hood off, shaking his hair to get the water out, and looked apologetic, “Sorry, I just showed up. I did try texting you, and I thought you’d be awake”
“I got in late last night” You told him, still standing against your open door, watching Felix in your foyer.
“Oh, were you stuck because of the rain? You could have called me, I’d have come picked you up” 
“No, that’s okay. I was on a call”
Realisation crossed his features, “Right. How is he?”
Slight irritation coursed through you, “I didn’t say it was him”
Felix nodded, looking genuinely apologetic, “Sorry. My mistake.”
But of course, he was right because it was Hyunjin you were talking to, but you wouldn’t admit that now, and you held back a groan. 
His eyes flickered over your body, “Why are you still standing at the door? You’ll catch a cold”
“What are you doing here?” You hugged yourself tighter, well-aware that you didn’t even have a bra on, “The last time I saw you, you said you didn’t want to be friends with me anymore”
His eyebrows shot up, and he stared at you.
For a second, you did regret it. It was too early to fight. It was too beautiful a morning for this.
Until he laughed, nervously, “Um…that’s not what I meant. Is that what you got from it?”
You frowned, “What?”
He shook his head, “Um, I guess I really didn’t get the point across. I thought you understood me that night. Isn’t that why you’re avoiding me?”
Your head hurt, “I’m not avoiding you…You’re confusing me, Felix. It’s too early for this”
“I’m sorry, you’re right. Hey, look, why don’t you get dressed, and take a shower, and I can make us some coffee…and heat up these bagels by then? After that, maybe we could talk?”
“Talk about what?”
You couldn’t understand him.
“About everything. I realise I’ve been apologising for my actions, but never really explaining why I acted that way this whole time”
But he had been your friend your entire life…so you would hear him out now.
»»————-
He sat at your breakfast table, warm bagels laid out across a plate, with two hot cups of coffee.
You sat across him, pulling your feet up, eyeing his movements.
It wasn’t alien to you…this kindness of his. He had done this countless times before, showed up at your house uninvited, but this time was different, of course.
“I really am sorry for waking you up. I genuinely thought you’d be awake, I thought you had a shift at Aera’s”
“I haven’t had a shift at Aera’s on Tuesday, ever” You responded.
“Oh” He laughed, “Maybe I should have memorised your work schedule back when you started working there…I guess I always assumed it was a temporary job”
You bit into a bagel, unable to hold back your hunger, and it instantly melted in your mouth. A rush of endorphins flooded through you, and you sat back for a minute, letting the taste sit with you, letting your body wake up.
Felix watched you, a soft smile on his face, “You like them?”
“You didn’t have to bake these for me” You spoke, staring at your feet, perched on the chair.
“But I did” He reached his hand out, across the table, “How are you doing?”
You glanced up at him, “I’m…fine”
He frowned, “Your eyes are all swollen. I know what that means”
You pulled your hand back from his, “It’s nothing. I’m just tired of summer”
He sat back, eyebrows raised, “Those are words I never thought I’d hear from you”
“Well…you won’t really understand, Lix”
He slid the cup of coffee towards you, “Try me” 
You stared at him, eyes flickering between his, and then reached forward for the cup, “I don’t know. I feel tired of everything lately. I don’t really want to make an effort to go out. I go to work, and back, and so on. It’s kind of a futile existence”
“I go to the Creek every night. You can come with me”
You hugged yourself, “Yeah, but I just feel like there’s more I should be doing”
His tongue poked his cheek, “You mean…that art apprenticeship” 
You glanced up at him, heart heavy, “I lost that”
“I’m sorry. You could have told me, you know?”
You’ve been hearing that a lot recently, but you know keeping it a secret was the only way it could have worked. He said he would have understood, but you knew him better than that.
“I was afraid of losing you, but…” You laughed, “That happened anyway”
He shook his head, pulling his chair closer to yours, “At the drive-in theatre, when I said I didn’t want us to be friends again…I didn’t mean it like that. There was more I wanted to say, which I couldn’t”
“Wow, you’re really getting right to it”
He laughed, “What? So, would you prefer we talk about nonsense for another hour? I know why I’m here, I’d feel better if you know too”
You weren’t sure you wanted to hear this, but you nodded, “Keep going”
“I guess what I wanted to say was…” He paused, and when your eyes met his, you realised he was actually nervous.
“Yeah?”
His eyes squeezed shut, and then opened, “I was really fucking jealous”
“Of…what?”
He laughed, a sound you’d loved all these years, “Of…Hyunjin. Obviously. Who else?”
“Felix…we talked about this. You have nothing to be jealous about. Just because he’s in my life now, does not mean you can’t be”
He laughed, “No, that’s not what I’m jealous of. I don’t really care if he’s in your life”
“Then what?” 
He sighed, leaning forward, and this angle put him in the path of sunlight. It lit up his face, highlighting the freckles splashed across his nose bridge, and his cheeks, and you saw his lips part to form the words, “You love him.”
Confusion arising, you frowned, “Felix—”
“Let me finish” He laughed, “It’s…been obvious for months”
You were embarrassed, to say the least.
He tilt his head, “Has it not been obvious to you?” 
Your face flushed, from the frustration and the embarrassment, “What, my feelings for him?”
“No. My feelings for you"
He said it so simply.
So fucking simple, and you couldn’t even react.
You sat there, looking at him.
Putting together his words in your mind. Again. And Again.
You misheard him. You had to.
“Yongbok”
“It is what you think it is” He paused, “I really thought that you knew”
“You…” A nervous laugh escaped you, and it wasn’t your proudest moment, “You have feelings for me? You’re fucking with me, right?”
You wanted to ask why. But you didn’t.
“Since when?”
“I don’t know” He leaned back, “I…didn’t really realise it until, well, this summer”
“Oh”
“Yeah” He swallowed, “But I know that you don’t feel the same, and I was acting stupid. It was dumb of me”
You stared at him and don’t know how you didn’t realise this. How did you not put two and two together? You felt so fucking dumb for missing all the hints, and all the clues. 
“Yongbok. I…um, I don’t know what to say. Sorry, I’m just…overwhelmed and confused”
"You don’t have to say anything” He laughed, “You’re like…my best friend in the fucking universe. I know that doesn’t sound like much, because I mean, we’re twenty and best friends makes it sound like we’re in elementary, but it’s true. You’re literally the most consistent person in my life, and I’m always fucking happy around you. Not just happy, but at peace. I’m happy with Hana, and Minho, and Eunbi too, but with you, it’s like I’m home.”
You couldn’t look him in the eye, “Felix…”
“I’m sorry for all the times I yelled at you. I’m fucking terrible at holding back my frustration, and I was still navigating my…emotions. I could lie and say I never meant to hurt you when we had all those arguments, but I did. I did want you to feel the kind of hurt I did. That’s probably the biggest red flag” He laughed, “But holy shit, Y/N, you have no idea what it took for me to tell you this. With him being here, I just couldn’t because that’s so fucking cliche, it’d be like I was asking you to choose”
You stared at him, uncomfortable, unable to comprehend the extent of his words, “You should have told me”
“I’m telling you now. I know it’s awkward for you, but I have nothing to lose” He chuckled, “I’m not asking you out, or anything. I just want you to know because it was driving me crazy keeping it to myself. In fact, I was never planning to tell you, but the night of my birthday party, during that stupid spin the bottle game, when we kissed, I thought you felt the same”
You remembered the kiss. 
It had surprised you how much you liked it.
“I mean, you’re a really good kisser” You admitted, picking from crumbs from the bagel.
He laughed, “Am I?”
“Yeah” 
“I try” He smirked, and you know he was trying to lighten the mood. It was so typical of him to make jokes out of an awkward situation, “You’re a really good kisser too. I know after the party, I gave you a 7.5 on the kissing scale, but…I was obviously kidding”
You looked up at him, “Really?”
He nodded, still smiling, “I’m sure Hyunjin would agree with me”
Just like that, the bubble popped.
Your smile fell.
“Sorry” He apologised, “You guys have kissed, right?”
“Yeah”
“And he still went back to Seoul?” He laughed, “Man, being an idol really sucks”
“Yongbok…”
“Okay” He laughed, “I’m sorry. I was just trying to make you laugh”
You didn’t know what this was, or what to make of it.
What are you supposed to say that? You felt an obligation, to return his feelings, despite all the arguments you had in the recent months, you wish you could return them. 
You didn’t want to be the one breaking his heart, or anybody’s. 
Is this how Hyunjin would feel if you’d told him you loved him? 
Would you have also lightened your inevitable rejection by stupid humour? 
You don’t know what you can possibly say to Yongbok, to make things okay.
So later, when he’s helping you wash the cups, foam-filled hands, you ask him, “Are you going to be okay?”
Yongbok looks up at you, a soft smile on his features, and you again realise how beautiful he looked in the sunlight. His skin is lit up, a kindness in his eyes has returned, like a weight was lifted off his shoulders, and he tells you he’s okay.
He tells you not to worry, and that you owe him nothing. He then dips his hand in the foamy sink, reaching up to smear some on your nose, a childlike laughter filling your kitchen.
You wonder if you would feel the same relief, if you confessed the truth to Hyunjin.
»»————-
Your phone rings later that evening, and it’s Hyunjin.
He asks you if you’re okay, and if you’re better than you were yesterday.
You were on the brink of tears last night.
Today, you are better.
Yongbok’s words come back to you, and you wonder why you don’t love him. It sure would have made everything a little easier. 
Everything makes sense now, the way he’s been acting all summer, his behaviour around Hyunjin, and you feel a little stupid for being so oblivious to it.
When you drift off into thought, Hyunjin asked you again, if you were okay.
“I met Yongbok” You responded.
His voice lit up, at your rekindled friendship, “Yeah? What did you guys do?”
You tell him about the bagels, and the coffee, and because you can never keep anything from Hyunjin, you end up blurting, “He told me he loves me. That he has his entire life”
You don’t know why you say it. You’re looking for a reaction. Or for consolation.
But Hyunjin is quiet on the other end, and he doesn’t say much for the rest of the night, and you wonder if you should have just kept it to yourself.
»»————-
Hyunjin doesn’t call you the next day, or the next, or the one after that. 
You try to distract yourself, stealing away work hours into painting. 
Each brushstroke soothed you, and you pour out your emotions. 
Unrequited love is a bitch, and you feel guilty every time you see Felix, but he’s more than okay. You can’t imagine being the same. 
Your paintings end up all looking really sad. They make you feel sad when you look at them, and you realise you’re only painting of longing.
Hyunjin finally texts you.
It’s only to tell you that Chan and Kairi broke up.
He doesn’t say much more, but he doesn’t have to.
You knew what they meant to them, and perhaps this breakup impacted him more than them.
You go back to painting your solitude. 
It’s calming, under the glow of your lamp, tucked in a corner of your room, you lose yourself in your art. 
Autumn is closer than it was yesterday, and it makes you sad. Summer is further away in your past now, and so is he.
Hyunjin’s texts get less frequent, as the days go by.
You feel obsessive, you feel just a little crazy.
You feel like a teenage girl waiting for her crush to call back.
Your heart breaks a little more with each hour that he doesn’t call.
You’re worried all the time, if he was okay.
You read about the scandals on the news, and the rumours on the internet, and some of them involve him but most of them involve Jisung. 
Yeonjun keeps you updated on the trial, and all the press outlets that Jisung has sued. 
Hyunjin doesn’t have space in his life for a relationship, but as days pass, it feels like he doesn’t for a friendship either.
hyun
hey yn
im so sorry
i’ve had a horrible schedule the past few days
they’re really trying to make up for everything I missed
i haven’t been sleeping much and i just…haven’t got much time on my phone
my managers have been really strict
they limit my activities on there
but don’t worry im okay
i spend most of my time in the studio
i miss you too. a lot
His replies soothe you, more than your own art ever could. 
You fall into a habit. You check the news each morning, even before your first sip of coffee, worried if he’s okay.
Hyunjin keeps telling you he’s fine, and you force yourself to believe him.
He sends you pictures of his art, and you notice how much he’s improved. He’s using all of the techniques you taught him. He’s painting about all of his days in your hometown.
Other nights, you don’t hear from him at all.
You feel it falling apart, and your heart breaks.
One day, he asks you about Yongbok again. 
You question if you should never have told him about the confession.
»»————-
The day his album releases, you listen to it before anybody in the world, or at least you’d like to believe so. 
It’s beautiful, and it’s raw. It’s a mix of every genre you can imagine. Hyunjin sings about love like he’s been in it. The album is more beautiful than you could anticipate, and you can already see the headlines surrounding it’s success.
Felix takes you to a store in Samhae, so you can purchase it for yourself, and when you find yourself in a line of twenty girls talking about him, you feel like fighting them.
You borrow Yuqi’s car, so you can push the CD into the stereo, and hear it before you can even get home.
The music Hyunjin makes is beautiful as him, and you hear the vocal fry, and the cadence he speaks with, and you fall in love with him even more.
It feels like cheating, as Felix sits in the passenger seat, listening to the same songs.
You wanted to ask him what he thinks of the album, but you hold back.
When you got home, you sat in the darkness of your room, and listened to it again, just by yourself. 
You called him to tell him what you think of it, but he’s at a party and he has no time for this. 
So you end up keeping your thoughts just to yourself. 
»»————-
You stared at the letter mail within your hands.
It arrived a few days ago, but you hadn’t noticed it until now.
It had been lying in your mailbox, gathering dust, and you stood on the sidewalk, wondering how you the hell you missed it.
It was from the city.
Your heart dropped into your gut, as you ripped open the envelope, making sure not to damage the contents inside.
You took a deep breath.
Holy shit.
It was going to be a rejection.
It had to be.
You stood absolutely still on the pavement, unfolding the letter. It’s so thin you’re afraid you’re going to rip it.
You can’t read this alone. You wish Hyunjin would here, it’d probably feel less scary.
But you can’t wait either. You need to know now.
You scanned the paper, yet your brain couldn’t comprehend the sentences, and skipped forward, registering only certain words. Like a record skipping.
A word stands out to you.
Congratulations.
And then you go back to the start of the letter, trying to make sense of what you just read, but your heart is already beating out of your chest and you think you’re going to pass out.
Congratulations.
Kim Jieong would be honoured to have you join him as an apprentice for his Fall Program in Painting at the Atelier of the Arts in Seoul, South Korea.
You reread the words until they were seared into your mind, and into your heart.
You read them until the paper became wet with droplets, and you realise you were crying. 
On the side of the sidewalk. 
Then you read them again.
You folded the piece of paper into your pocket, and you texted the boy you loved.
hyunjin!
when can i call you?
i have something to tell you
it’s really important
You wait for his answer, but your message doesn’t deliver.
So you sat down on your front porch, trying to calm your heart but you’re bursting with excitement and anticipation. You’ve already texted Felix and Minho, but you’re only waiting for one person’s reaction.
You need to tell him now. 
He could be busy. He could be at work, or in bed, but you don’t care.
He has to be the first to know.
You find yourself dialling his number, and your hands are shaking, and your heart is trembling.
Hyunjin doesn’t pick up.
And you’re met with an unfamiliar message.
“We're sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.”
»»————-
THREE MONTHS LATER
»»————-
“Take my hand if you don’t wanna fall” 
You looked up, and Felix is smiling down at you, the sun a halo around his head.
He’s got pink skates on, and it suits him. 
The brightness of them stands out in the park.
“You’re awfully confident for someone who’s fallen over…thrice now?” Minho laughs, coming to stand next to you, arms on his hips.
“I’ll be fine, Lix” You smiled, tightening the laces of your roller-skates.
“Let me at least help you up” He insisted.
You nodned, letting him take your hand and pull you up. You’re inches from him when you stand up, and he smiled at you.
“See you at the rink in a few?” He tilt his head.
“I’ll see you, Lix”
He let go of your hand, and you miss the steadiness it gave you, but almost instantly Minho comes to your side. With a hand on your back, he leads you to the rink. You’re still getting used to these roller-skates, and you’ve fallen over more than you’d liked.
“Aren’t you glad I dragged you out here?” He nudged you.
“Sure” You smiled at him, trying to match his pace. 
It’s a beautiful day at the park. There’s a harvest festival, where Felix bobbed for apples, and you cheered for him. Then Minho forced you all onto the rink, bringing you a new pair of skates since you couldn’t find your old ones. As you skated around the park with your friends, it almost feels like the old days.
The leaves had changed color.
The days were shorter now, and the sun hung low in the sky, the temperature dropping to single digits.
With the onset of fall, you stopped swimming in the Creek, and the fireflies disappeared, and you never left the house without a cardigan anymore. 
Aera’s kept you busy, and so did the weekends at The Château. You and Seungmin grew even closer, and you found joy in interacting with travelling tourists, searching for artistic pursuits and adventure in your little town. 
Felix explored his love for baking with you, and you recreated everything in his recipe book… except for the strawberry streusels. Yeonjun consistently kept in touch with, and told you of his life in the city, the drama in his workplace, and about the cute new girl that sat across him at work. 
You fell in love with the palette of autumn, and all your artworks became tinged with shades of orange and red. All of your sweaters became tainted with paint splatters, and the walls of your room became full with your memories of the summer.
“Are you going to take these with you? I bought them for you, full-price mind you” Minho asked you.
You sighed, “I don’t know”
“There has to be places in Seoul to skate in” He thought, and grabbed your hand so you can speed up. You smiled, feeling the wind on your face, desperately trying to not lose your balance.
“I don’t think I have space in my suitcase” You told him, as he stopped. 
Felix is on the other side, and he’s smiling at you. He looks cute, and he’s with his sister. She’s in matching pink rollerblades, and Felix has spent more than an hour teaching her how to skate.
There’s a couple next to them, and they’re holding hands and skating, and they keep kissing, and your chest hurts with the thought of him.
You haven’t been able to talk to him in months…
He doesn’t even know you got into the program.
His number changed, and he closed all of private social media.
“Hey?” Minho said, turning your head to look at him, and he can read your mind, “You’ll find him once you get to the city, it’s only a matter of time”
You frowned, “How? I don’t even know where he lives…I don’t even know if he’s okay”
“Well, you obviously know he’s alive” Minho joked, “He looks pretty good in all the interviews they did”
“I’m just worried about him” You mumbled, “It feels weird to go this long without hearing from him”
“It’s probably something with the company. Hyunjin told you how controlling they were, didn’t he?”
“Yeah, but…he’s not a kid. How can they control this shit in his life?”
You’ve had this same conversation millions of times before, over the past three months, but you still can’t understand what happened. You had tried every way to get in touch with him, but with how famous he was right now…it was impossible.
It’s not even like you can go to Facebook and add him as a fucking friend. 
“I can ask Felix to try” Minho asked.
“No” You insist, “It’s not gonna make a difference. It doesn’t matter anyway. I’ll see him soon”
You can’t help but have hope. At the beginning, you were worried, and then you were angry but now you’re just confused. You know he’d never change his contact information without telling you, or even Minho, or Seungmin. 
Something went wrong.
A huge reason you’re excited to go to Seoul, is so you can finally meet him, and know what happened, how he’s been, and if he’s okay.
You heard Felix call out to you.
“Wait, Y/N” Minho grabbed your arm, “I’m sure he’s even more upset than you”
Over the past few months, Minho has discussed all of his theories with you, about what could have happened. He’s so sure, that Hyunjin’s company is involved. You want to believe him, because there’s no way Hyunjin would do this.
“What are you two gossiping about?” Felix asked, skating over to you, and from where you stand, he really looked like a fairy, long hair blowing in the wind.
“Nothing important” You smiled at him, “Wanna skate with me now?”
“Always” He grinned. You let him take your hand, and pull you around the rink, guiding you through groups of friends, children and couples. 
“What are you wearing to the party tonight?” He asks, after a while, and his hand landed on your waist, helping you balance.
“Whatever outfit I haven’t packed” You admitted, honestly.
“Come on, you’re the star of the night” He spun in front of you, “You should wear the blue dress, the one you wore to Yeonjun’s party last year”
Tonight is the going away party that Minho is throwing for you. You can’t believe it’s already time. You leave tomorrow.
Everything has been building up to this, and you’re so excited, you think you could burst. You’re anxious too, because everything has to go right, it’s only what you’ve been dreaming about.
Your acceptance letter is tucked into a book, and it feels like only yesterday that you found out, but it’s already been months.
The night you got accepted, Felix baked you a chocolate cake. You were too shaken up, and confused about the fact that you couldn’t get through to Hyunjin, but you had to celebrate.
Felix… distracts you from all your worries. You’re grateful for his company.
“I don’t want to be the star” You told him.
Felix rolled his eyes, “You deserve it, love, and you have no choice”
You had been anxious about Hyunjin for months, confused, and heartbroken, but you have bigger things to worry about.
The program starts in a week, and you don’t have enough time to prepare.
Yet, you’ve been preparing for it all your life.
The money you’ve saved up happens to just be enough for a studio apartment, and Yeonjun helped you find a place in a busy neighbourhood.
Not that it mattered.
You would sleep in the subway if you had to, if it means you’ll get to learn from The Kim Jieong. The artist you’ve looked up to all your life, your inspiration, your muse, and your everything.
Later that night, Minho helped you pack, and you take only what you need. You can’t afford to leave your supplies at home, like he did, so you packed all of them. You keep aside the tattered brushes, because the city kids would definitely disapprove. 
Your suitcase filled up quickly, with an array of watercolours, and acrylics, and pastels, and you compromised on your clothes.
You only pack your favourite coat, and your dark sweaters, and the skirts you didn’t wear here yet.
The going away party is small, and you love and hate every part of it. You wear the blue dress Felix wanted you to. Everybody there tells you you’ll do well, and you wonder if any of them secretly resent you, if they think you’re another person who gave into the city's false charms. Everybody who moves to the city from a small town is always celebrated, but you know you’ll probably be hated when you’re actually gone.
You’re in such a daze throughout, you don’t realise the importance of that night.
You’re not going away for long, but it’s still a huge deal.
The apprenticeship has a low acceptance rate, and they hardly take any students from Korea. It’s mostly international kids, and you can’t believe you get the chance to be amongst them.
After the party, you and Felix stay to help Minho clean up, and you stand on the threshold of the doorway, to catch your breath. Felix threw away the last of the beer bottles, and stood opposite you, leaning on the other end.
Your arms are folded behind your back, and you smile at him.
“I can’t believe Seonmi tried to get us to play spin the bottle again” 
You sigh, “I’m glad Minho shut them down”
Felix laughs, and then his shoulders sag as the laughter dies down, “How are you feeling?”
“Tired” You tell him, “But…I’m really fucking excited too”
“I can’t believe you’re leaving” He mumbles, for the tenth time that night, and he pushes his hands in his pockets.
“It’s not like I’m moving away forever” You tell him, “The apprenticeship is just a temporary program”
“But isn’t the point of it to get a job in the city?” He asks.
“There’s only a few spots open, for the people that perform the best”
“Then you’re definitely not coming back” He says, smiling, placing unwavering faith in you.
“We’ll see” You shrug.
“Is he coming to pick you up from the station?” He asks.
You nod, “If he can make it. He’s been busy recently”
“You promise to keep me in your life?” He suddenly asks, tilting his head. You notice his hair’s grown longer in the fall, falling to his shoulders. The blonde suits him, the glow of the porch lights sharpen his cheekbones, and the shadows on his face.
“You’d push your way back, even if I didn’t” You tell him.
He laughs, knowing it’s the truth, “I’ve had the privilege of knowing you since we were…kids. I’m never letting you go, you know that?”
His words are meant to comfort you, but the irony doesn’t fail to strike.
He must have noticed the fall in your expression, because he steps forward, “Hey, hey. What’s wrong?”
“I’m…kind of a little terrified” You admit, eyes downcast, watching the pink shoelaces of Felix’s worn-out shoes.
“You’ve been painting your whole life. Everybody’s going to fall in love with you there, I can bet my life on that”
“I only need Kim Jieong to fall in love with me” You joke.
“And he will. You’ll spare no one”
You swallow, “Thank you. I know you never really wanted me to move away. But I’m really glad you understand how much this means to me”
“I rather you be away from me than be miserable in this little town” He admits, and his finger meets the end of your chin. He tilts your head up, so you’re looking him right in the eye.
“That doesn’t sound like you” You mumble.
He rolls his eyes, “I know. The things I do for you”
You smile, “Thank you”
“I’m really gonna miss you” He admits, “You’ll come home for the next summer though, right?”
You nod, and his hand is still on your chin, “Of course. I’ll be here”
His lips pull up into a smile, and his eyes are bright, and the freckles on his skin look far too much like stardust right now.
“You’ll be here. That’s why summer’s my favourite season” He mumbles, but his voice is suddenly hoarse now, half of his words lost in his mouth. 
He’s staring right at you, and you feel the breath leave your lungs. 
It reminds you of the night of his birthday and how he came to your rescue, kissing you to save you from embarrassment.
“Can I kiss you?” He suddenly asks you, the depth of his voice prickling through you.
Apparently, he was thinking of the same thing.
The words throw you for a loop, but yet they don’t. 
He knows you don’t feel the same way for him. He knows that you’re in love with someone else. But he still asks. It’s a goodbye kiss. It doesn’t mean much more. 
So, you say yes, and he swallows your words in a kiss.
He presses you up against the doorway, but he doesn’t deepen the kiss. His lips move against yours, and his hands hold you, and all you can think about how is how different this feels.
It’s not that you’ve given up on Hyunjin. In fact, in a few days, you’ll be closer to him than you’ve ever been, under the same night sky, breathing the same air.
Your hands stay behind you, pressed into the doorway, and you feel the slightest urge to run them through his hair, but you don’t. 
Felix kisses you sweetly, and when he pulls away, there’s no awkwardness. He lets out a laugh, pulling playfully at your cheeks and mumbles something about making sure you don’t miss the train in the morning.
That night, when you’re packing away the last of your things, you reached for the sketchbook you had left at Hyunjin’s house. It laid by your bedside, but you haven’t opened it in weeks. You decided to take it with you, if only for the memories and the sketches you’ll make on the journey.
As you reach to put it in your suitcase, something dropped from within its pages and landed on the wooden floor.
Frowning, you bent down to pick it up. 
It’s a vertical photo strip, and when you flip it over, your breath stops in your throat.
It’s the pictures from the photobooth.
Of you and Hyunjin kissing, in the pink lights.
How the fuck did that get in here?
You’re absolutely sure he had deleted them, right in front of your own eyes.
It stirs memories within you, plunging you right back into that moment, the hot, heavy kisses that you shared, the tightness with which he gripped your hips, the urgency with which you touched each other.
Your core tightened, and you sit on the floor to take a breath.
You stared at the strip of pictures. Your first instinct is to text him, and ask where he got them, but you can’t even contact him. 
It’s another question you can’t wait to ask him, when you finally see him again.
A tsunami of feelings overwhelms you, and you know that you can’t blame him for this sudden rift between you, because you can still feel the intensity with which he held you, and moments like that can’t be temporary.
A new buzz runs through your veins, and you hold the photo strip tight to your chest, wondering when it would be real again.
»»————-
The stars in the sky were replaced by the skyscraper lights, as your train hurtled closer to its destination.
Clutching your ticket in your hand, your eyes were peeled to the window, watching the city skyline become closer, and closer, until the buildings loomed over you. 
You’d seen the city through pixels and in coffee table books but never like this. 
Your camera ran out of film before you’d even arrived, and perhaps you should have prepared for that. You couldn’t stop your excitement. Everything was new, and everything was gorgeous. You took pictures of your ticket, of your seat, of the view.
You have to document this. In every form possible.
The cute boy across you even offered to share a pack of Peppero sticks halfway through the ride, and you hoped everybody in the city was as kind as him.
There were more people at the platform than in the entirety of Daejon, and you held your bags tightly to you, making your way through the crowd. At a certain point, you weren’t even walking, just pushed toward the nearest exit, going with the flow of the crowd around you. 
Each breath brought a new scent, fighting for your attention in the crowd. The musty luggage that had travelled all over the country being dragged against the concrete. 
There must be a cafe nearby, because the aroma of coffee wafted through the air, and it wasn’t till the scent of pastries hit you that you realised you were starving.
There’d be time for food later.
The faint hint of cologne and perfume clouded your senses, different kinds of fragrances worn by the people who walked through the station.
It was overwhelming, a sensory overload, but you had expected this chaos.
You welcomed it.
He was waiting for you at the platform.
Relief flooded through you at the familiar face amongst the crowd. 
“Look at her” He remarked, a small smile overtaking him.
“Fuck” You ran up to him, navigating through the few people still in your way. 
His arms wrapped around you immediately, lifting you off the ground momentarily, and his scent was familiar and it was known, and it calmed you instantly. You buried your face in his neck, letting him hold you to his body in the crowd.
“You’re here” He breathed, pulling back to look at you, eyes wide.
“I missed you” You admitted, reaching out to grab his hand, “Thank you…for coming to pick me up”
He squeezed yours in return, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world” 
“No, I’m serious. Thank you, Yeonjun”
He stared at you, eyes crinkling in appreciation and love, “You don’t have to thank me”
The crowd moved around you, like a river around a rock, as you held him close to you. 
Everything was unfamiliar here, but him.
“Come on, let’s get you out of here” He smiled, grabbing your bags.
Walking out of the station felt like stepping into a dream you’d forgotten.
You’d studied these streets, and dreamt of these buildings, but now you stood amongst them. Awe and fascination swelled in your heart, and if it wasn’t for Yeonjun keeping a hold on you, you’d probably stop and stare at every little thing.
The neon lights danced along the alleyways, casting colors onto everyone around you.
It was so typical. 
It was just like the movies.
You picked up on snippets of conversations, leftovers of drama, but it was crazy, because for the first time, you didn’t know who they were gossiping about. There were no familiar faces or names, a reality you could never live before.
In the distant, you could hear street musicians and you stopped, pulling at Yeonjun’s sleeve, “Can we go see that?”
You’ve seen far too many Youtube videos about this, and you have been waiting to experience this yourself.
He laughed, gesturing to your luggage, “With all this stuff in our hands?”
“Right” You realised.
“Hey, we can always come back to this. Let’s get you settled in first, yeah?” He said, reaching forward to tuck your hair back in a gesture that soothed you.
“I know. I just…I’m excited. Sorry” You apologised.
“Don’t be sorry. I was the same my first day here” He said, sincerely, “I’m glad I have you to share this with. Although you’re already doing better than me, I was so overwhelmed”
You swallowed, “I am too, but…I want to be”
Yeonjun’s lips curled up into a smile, “Yeah?”
“I’ve thought about this moment for a long time, Jun”
“I know” He smiled, then tugged at your hand, “Now come on, we’re almost at your apartment”
You let him tug you along, because you were too lost taking everything in to navigate yourself. 
It was overwhelming, 
But you embraced it.
»»————-
“Are you sure this is the right building?”
“Mmh, I checked on the map. It’s definitely the red building”
“It…looks different than it did online” You said, staring at the apartment.
“I’m sure it’s nicer inside” He shot you a calm look. 
He grabbed the heavier suitcase, before attempting to push the door open. 
It didn’t budge, and he stopped, “Is the door locked or something?”
“Um, they told me it’d be open till six” You mumbled, glancing at your phone to check the time.
“Well, it’s certainly not open” Yeonjun muttered, trying to push it open with his shoulder. 
His efforts were met with no real results, and he released a frustrated sigh.
“Maybe I can try” You side-stepped him, lamely attempting to turn the knob.
“You know, it’s not that cold” Yeonjun rolled his eyes at the thick gloves you had on.
“It’s cold for me” You defended. 
Daejon almost had the same weather year-round. 
You weren’t used to the chill that came this up north.
“I pray for you when winter comes” He added.
You turned to him, arms crossed, “So…are we just going to stand here the rest of the night?”
“Why don’t you call the landlord?”
You bit your lip, “I wouldn’t wanna inconvenience him” 
Yeonjun sighed, dropping the duffel bag on the pavement, “You literally can’t get into your apartment. I think he’ll understand”
Your new life in the city was off to a great start.
“Maybe I can try again tomorrow” You spoke, “Could I stay at your place tonight?”
“Y/N” He stepped forward, placing a hand on your shoulder, “You can, but you’re not going to be bothering him, I promise you. This is kind of his job”
You stared at him, and sighed, “You’re right. But, before I call him, do you think there’s another entrance to the place? Maybe we’re at the wrong one”
Yeonjun looked up at the facade of the building. All the blinds to the apartment windows were shut, and he kept his hands on his hips, “I’ll check around the back”
“Thank you” You nodded, “I’ll try the door here”
You peeled off your gloves, turning the knob again, hoping that it might work this time.
You pushed at it with your shoulder, and to your surprise, the door burst open, plunging you inside. 
Somebody else had opened the door from the inside.
“Fuck” You collided with them, flushing with embarrassment.
“Whoa” He exclaimed, hands coming up to your shoulders, “Are you okay?”
“Oh my god. I’m so sorry” You stepped back, looking up at him.
Was everyone in Seoul a fucking model or something?
His hair fell into his eyes, sharp features and a jawline that immediately stood out to you. 
He seemed to be younger than you.
He observed your form, eyes flickering over your figure before he stepped back, to let you breathe, “Were you…breaking in to my apartment or something?”
“No!” You immediately responded in horror, eyes wide, “I…I’m Y/N”
His eyebrows shot up, “Is that supposed to mean something to me?”
“I’m the new resident on the sixth floor” You explained, voice unsure by the second, “Mr. Kwon didn’t mention me?”
“Oh” His eyes widened in recognition, “Right. He did. I didn’t think you’d be coming in today. Bad weather to be moving in”
“You’re right” You laughed, pushing your hands in your pockets, “So, uh…I’m Y/N”
He smiled, eyes crinkling, “Hi, Y/N. I’m Jeongin”
“Sorry about the door. I couldn’t get in” 
“It tends to get stuck in the cold sometimes” He explained, then looked behind you, “Is that all the stuff you have?”
You turned back, “Yeah. My friend’s gone around the block…to look for another entrance”
Jeongin smiled brightly, like he had no troubles in the world, “Well, I can help you get your bags up, unless you wanna wait for your friend to come back?”
“I’ll just tell him I got the door open” You explained, reaching for your phone to text Yeonjun. 
Your new neighbour, Jeongin, watched as you typed out the text, and then reached forward, to pick up the duffel you’d abandoned on the street.
“You probably shouldn’t leave your stuff out like that” He laughed, grabbing the handle of your suitcase, “Some scumbags are just looking for an opportunity like that”
“Oh” You realised, feeling dumb for leaving your things unattended.
Jeongin pulled your suitcase and duffel bag up the porch stairs, before shooting you a glance, “I’m guessing you’re new to the city”
“It’s obvious?” You laughed, feeling embarrassed.
“Don’t worry about it” He shook it off with a hand, as you followed him up the stairs, “I’m on the second floor, by the way”
You clutched the rusty bannister with one hand, craning your neck to observe the atrium. The centre of the staircase had a skylight, but it was pitch-black outside.
He glanced back at you, “If you ever find yourself stuck outside, you can shoot me a text. I’m almost always home”
You followed him up to the sixth floor, “Thank you, that’s really nice of you. Are you in university?”
He nodded, “I take my classes online though. You?”
“I’m here for an art internship”
“Where’d you move here from?” He asked, as you made your way to the door, and you handed him the keys. 
“Daejon. It’s a small town down south, near the beach and the mountains. You probably haven’t heard of it”
He turned to you, with a grin, “Sounds beautiful”
You unlocked the door to your unit, and thankfully this lock was easier than the one below. 
Flicking the switches on, you glanced around.
The apartment certainly was…something. 
It was a studio, unfurnished, one bedroom, one bath.
The walls and floor were bare, and there was hardly any lighting, but that could be fixed.
Everything could be fixed.
You had made it here, and that’s what mattered.
A little kitchen window looked out into a fire escape, glimpses of the city visible. 
It excited you already. You could set up an easel there and learn to paint this new landscape.
You’d brought no artwork with you…but the new paintings you made could decorate the walls, and soon the place would fill up with your new memories of the city.
There was so much potential.
“It’s not bad. Mr. Kwon gave you one of the better units” The boy commented, and you realised he was still here, as you’d been fantasising about your new place.
“Really? You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?” 
Jeongin raised an eyebrow, “Why would I want to make you feel better? We’ve only known each other like… thirty seconds”
Your eyes widened, and for a second you wondered if he actually meant it, before he burst into a laugh.
“Sorry” He giggled, “I was kidding. Did you think I was not?”
“And how would I know you were kidding? I just met you, like you said” You exhaled.
He laughed, walking back to you, “Why would I be so rude to you for no reason?”
You shrugged, hugging yourself, “I don’t know…maybe you’re an asshole”
“Ouch” He laughed.
“Who are you?” A familiar voice interrupted, and you turned to see Yeonjun stood at the doorway. His eyes were wide, and his hair was wet from the rain. You felt guilty for leaving him out in the cold, but he was more concerned about the stranger in your apartment.
“Who are you?” Jeongin asked him in return, “How’d you get in?”
Yeonjun’s eyes narrowed, “The door was open downstairs”
“Shit” He mumbled, “Mr Kwon will kill me”
“Why are you in my friend’s living room?” Yeonjun asked.
“I was helping her in”
Yeonjun shot you a look, and you shrugged, “What?”
Jeongin looked between the two of you awkwardly, “I gotta go close up downstairs”
“Sure. Thank you for letting me in by the way”
“Course. No problem” He smiled, pushing his hands in his denim jacket pockets as he left. 
Once he was out of earshot, Yeonjun shut the apartment door, and raised an eyebrow at you, “Who was he?”
“Yang Jeongin” You leaned against the kitchen counter, letting out a breath, “He opened the door for me”
“And you let him into your apartment. What if he’s a creep?”
“Relax, Jun. At least I’m inside now”
He looked around, observing the place, “Well, at least there’s no mold here or anything”
You stare at him, “Are you kidding me? The place is… perfect”
He laughs, “What?”
You run up to him, pulling him into a hug, “Thank you, thank you, thank you”
He wrapped his arms around you, “Someone’s happy”
You looked up at him, “Of course I am. This is what I’ve wanted my entire life”
“You didn’t seem this excited downstairs” He pointed out.
“I was worried for a second there” You say, “But now I’m so happy”
He laughed, “Fuck. I’m happy for you”
You let go of him, to sit on your new couch, in your new home.
“If I get some cute stuff and more lights, it’ll be nice, right?”
He walked over to the kitchen window, peering out at the view, “Just be careful to keep the blinds closed at night”
“Why?” You frowned.
“There’s a lot of creepy people in the city”
You smiled, dropping your head back on the couch, “I don’t care”
He laughed again, stepping over to you, “When do you want to unpack?”
“Is it crazy if I say right now? I kind of want to put all my stuff in place”
“No, it’s not crazy. You’re not tired?”
“I’ve been preparing for this my whole life, so no”
He chuckled, “I’m guessing you’re going to be saying that a lot”
He walked over to the bedroom, “It’s smaller than on the website. You’ll have to buy a bed”
“I know” You hummed, closing your eyes, to take everything in. If you sat here quietly, you’d be able to hear the sirens, the pedestrians, the noise from all the shops.
“Do you wanna order some pizza?” He asked.
“That’s perfect”
As the hours pass, you put away all your clothes in the wardrobe. Yeonjun helped you arrange the paintbrushes and canisters in a corner. You’ve only had enough space to bring two canvases and you balanced them against your bedroom wall. 
Yeonjun played an English rock band he’s lately been obsessed with as you emptied the last of your suitcase.
The pizza arrived in no time, and Yeonjun brought it upstairs.
You’ve opened the kitchen window to let the city sounds in, and he smiles at your amused expression. Your apartment faces a busy street, but you love it. There’s absolutely no silence, and you think it’ll help you fall asleep at night.
Sitting on the floor, the pizza box lay between you as Yeonjun told you about his favourite spots in the city. He was a little overprotective, telling you to avoid certain neighbourhoods, but you appreciate him.
“Are you excited to join the internship?” He asked, biting down into the pepperoni.
“Apprenticeship” You corrected him.
“What’s the difference?” He laughed.
“Look it up” You rolled your eyes, tossing a pepperoni at him.
He nodded, “So you’re sticking in Seoul forever then?”
You laughed, “We’ll see”
“You didn’t answer my question” He repeated, popping open a coke can, a hissing sound accompanying it.
“I am excited. Obviously” You smiled, “Nervous to meet Kim Jieong though. He’s like my favourite artist, ever, in the entire observable universe”
Yeonjun laughed, passing you the coke can, “I better be the first to hear all about your first day”
“Who else will I even tell?” You laughed.
He nodded, swallowing the crusts, and choosing to stay quiet.
It’s awkward. Hyunjin’s thought hangs in the air.
He doesn’t know you’re here.
He doesn’t even know you got accepted.
“We could do something crazy. If you want”
“What?” You asked, curious.
“You’re probably gonna hate the idea” He laughed.
You scoot closer to him, “Tell me”
He bites into another piece, “You know where he works. The Pegasus headquarters. It’s not too far from your classes”
You stare at him as he talks. The idea makes you feel like a stalker.
“I can’t just show up at his workplace”
“Isn’t that how you two met in the first place? He showed up to your workplace?”
You grabbed the coke can from him, “You’re clever. But no…that’d be weird”
“How else are you going to get in touch with him?”
“I don’t know, but it is so weird to think that we’re under the same sky now”
Yeonjun rolled his eyes, “You’re way too romantic. You know that you’re always under the same sky, right? No matter where you are on Earth”
“Shut up” You tossed a piece of pepperoni at him, “Don’t kill the mood”
“Fine. You’re breathing the same air as Hyunjin. I mean, if you really want to be romantic, you’ll probably bump into him sometime soon”
“There’s like ten million people in the city, Jun”
“Oh, now you’re logical?” He laughed. Yeonjun’s face suddenly lit up, and you know he’s had a terrible idea.
“What? Don’t tell me…” 
“I’m going to help you find him. That’s kind of my job”
“Finding people?” You laughed.
“No, tracking their digital footprints, and shit”
“How is that going to help us find Hyunjin again?”
“I don’t know. I’m still figuring that part out”
You rolled your eyes, and you lie down.
Your stomach is full, you’re tired, and the floor of your new place is cold, and you love it. You’re so happy. 
You’re right where you belong, and right where you were always supposed to be.
It feels right, and you smile to yourself.
“Do you want to go for a walk? Maybe we can explore your neighbourhood. You can get familiar with it” Yeonjun suggested.
You sat up so quickly, “That’s the greatest idea I’ve ever heard” 
So, he took you around the alleys, and you tried to memorise the names of the streets, and he showed you a coffee shop, and a Paris fucking Baguette. 
Your street is busy and full of life, even this late at night. Even from here, you could see the high-rise buildings surrounding you, glass houses, and everything is glamorous. 
“I literally feel like I’m inside a drama” You told Yeonjun, watching all of the little shops and snack stands. The mannequins in the window display wore clothes you could never get away with wearing back home.
But, you’ll wear them now.
It’s so much all at once.
He held your hand, introducing you to everything he knew of. 
You feel like a stranger in your own country. Everything is different here.
But you’re right where you belong, and as Yeonjun led you back home, you looked up at the sky.
It’s different too.
You realise Hyunjin was right all along.
There are no stars here. 
»»————-
It’s been less than a week, and you’re lost.
You’re not proud to admit it.
But the city is big, and you were only trying to find your way to The Atelier.
Cabs were expensive as hell, so you’d decided to walk, and take the trains but clearly you’d ended up in the wrong neighbourhood.
You called Yeonjun. Obviously.
“Look, Y/N. I still don’t understand what possessed you go visit your art building this late”
“I was impatient!” You admitted. Your classes don’t start for another week, but you wanted to check the place out. You couldn’t hold your excitement.
“You could’ve just waited for the weekend. I would have gone with you”
You snorted, “Right. What would you do in a place like that?”
“Hey, I can be artsy too” He retorted, “Now tell me what you see”
You stared ahead of you.
It’s busy, and there’s so many people. You turn a corner, and then another, and another. It’s already dark out, and the streetlights have twinkled on. You wish you could appreciate the beauty, but you’re so lost. 
Somehow, you’re not scared. You know you’ll figure it out. 
You’ve made it this far after all.
“I’m at a street with a thousand shops”
“So…every single street of this city? You’re so helpful”
“You’re not being very helpful either” You crossed your arms.
“Just go into any shop, and ask them where the art building is”
“What if they don’t know?”
“Then ask somebody else” Yeonjun suggested.
You survey the plethora of shops. Half of them have already shuttered down, and some are in the process of closing. 
There’s only one store that’s open. It looks like it sells snacks and drinks, but maybe they can tell you where you are. The fluorescent lights of it cast a harsh aura upon the streets, unmatched to the traditional aesthetic of everything else. 
“Okay. That’ll give me an excuse to get that expensive candy I saw at the station”
Yeonjun laughed, “I am appalled at how positive you’re being right now despite being in the middle of nowhere”
You walked up the little stairs, a chime sounding as you enter. 
It’s bigger than you expected inside. 
There’s rows and rows of snacks, shelves stocked to the brim. It’s local, different from a 7/11 franchise, but it’s just as organised. There’s a few people already in the store, and you walked past them, until you find an employee who can help you.
“Yeah, once I decided to stop being affected by every little thing, life became much easier” You joked.
You can almost imagine Yeonjun rolling his eyes as he said, “If only everything was that easy”
“I’m gonna ask someone who works here. I’ll call you after, okay?” You spoke into the phone, before hanging up.
There’s a girl, she looked friendly enough.
“Excuse me?” 
She turned, and she was chewing gum, “Yeah? How can I help you?”
“Yeah, could you tell me how I can get to the Atelier from here?”
You feel a little stupid. She’s probably wondering why you can’t just use your phone, but the streets here are so narrow, there’s no way it’ll be accurate.
Her eyebrow furrowed, “That fancy glass building?” 
You lit up in recognition, “Yes! Exactly that!”
“Um. I’m sorry, I don’t know. But Jae will know. His girlfriend goes there. I can call him if you want, he’s the back”
“Oh” You nodded, “That’ll be really helpful, thank you so much”
She looked around, “Are you gonna buy anything?”
You nodded, smiling at her, before she walked into the back.
Well, she was nice.
You tucked your hands into your jacket pockets, and looked around. 
You haven’t been to this part of town before. Well, you’ve only been here a few days but you must have got yourself really, really lost to end up in such a random place.
You waited for the girl to come back, and you watched the people around you.
You envy their sense of comfort, and familiarity.
There’s a couple, still in school uniforms, and they’re picking out candy.
There’s quite a few people in the store, baskets full of snacks, and iced coffee, and maybe you can grab one too, after you reorient yourself.
The shelf is front of you is so overstimulating, and there’s so many different types of candy. 
That’s another one of your favourite things here.
Brands you’ve never heard of or seen before. Imported sweets, from all across the world, and everything is expensive, but you don’t care right now.
There’s a huge box of purple candies.
It’s too much, even for you.
But you feel the need to treat yourself.
You reached for it, picking it off the shelf. Your eyes wander up.
There’s a boy.
Your heart skips a beat, and you think it almost stopped.
You’re dizzy.
The most beautiful boy in the world… stands on the other side of the shelf.
You’d recognise that stance anywhere. 
He’s in a dark trench coat and a cap is pulled over his head, and getting lost has easily been the absolute best mistake of your life. It’s the craziest coincidence in the world, and maybe now you really don’t believe in coincidences anymore.
You believe in destiny, and he has to be yours.
There’s no other explanation, no rhyme or reason for why else he would be here, right now, right here, at the same time as you.
He hasn’t seen you yet, and you relish in those few seconds of pure observation.
He looks exactly the same, as he browses through the aisle of cereals.
Your heart burned, and it yearned, and you couldn’t wait anymore.
You couldn’t stop yourself, even if you wanted to.
“Hyunjin?” You blurted, the excitement unable to be held back.
His head shot up to yours.
The blue box of cereal in his hand dropped to the floor.
And it really was him.
It actually was him.
There were no coincidences. 
He looked so gorgeous, and you can already feel his distinct scent. Your lips curved up into a smile, and your heart was beating out of its chest.
He was staring at you, eyes wide, lips parted.
His hair had gotten even longer, and it peeked out from under his cap.
“Hyunjin I—”
A woman stepped between you, picking up what he’d just dropped.
“Is this the one you were looking for?” She handed it to him.
Hyunjin tore his gaze away from you and nodded at her.
She looked at you, wondering what had his attention.
Your words were stuck in your throat, and your heart was squeezing in your chest, you thought you might collapse.
Who was that?
“Is there anything else you need?” She asked him.
He shook his head, gaze to the floor, “No. I’m good”
His voice. You’d missed it insanely.
“Perfect. The cash counter’s in the back though” She walked past you, and she’s not your problem anymore because he’s here. He’s actually here, in front of you, in the most random shop in all of Seoul. 
Hyunjin stepped out from the aisle. 
You’re standing in his way, “Hey—”
“Excuse me” He mumbled, his shoulder bumped against yours and he walked right past you.
What the fuck?
He didn’t even look at you.
Someone tapped on your shoulder, and it was the girl with the chewing gum.
Your eyes were still on him though, confused, and a fear began to settle in your stomach. He was standing at the cash counter, and his was head was ducked low, as the woman placed all of their shopping out of the cart. 
For a second, you wonder if you’re mistaken and if that’s someone else, but you know it’s him, but that doesn’t make any sense.
The girl employee spoke cheerfully, introducing a boy at her side, “This is Jae! He can tell you the way to the Art Atelier”
At those words, Hyunjin finally looked back, over his shoulder, at you.
His gaze met yours.
It definitely was him.
You were about to say something, but the words never made it past your lips, because he immediately looked away from you.
It was as if he had never known you.
Like you were a stranger.
The city of Seoul had never felt so quiet, as right now.
»»————-
⇐ masterlist ⇒
please let me know if you liked the chapter, or any thoughts on this part! thank you <3
if you’d like to support me and my writing, you can buy me a coffee here! thank you so much.
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vibesswithdani · 1 month
Text
LITTLE SUCCESS STORY: HOW I ALMOST ENTERED THE VOID THROUGH A LUCID DREAM?
(Long ass post 💀)
Ok, so this happened two days ago.
On Thursday night, I took some melatonin gummies and a while later I fell asleep at midnight or 1:00am. When I woke up, it was about 4:00am.
I couldn’t really go back to sleep after that so I decided to stay up for a while and chill and listen to music.
And I believe 2 hours later, i started to feel really tired and I wanted to go back to sleep. So just for the vibes I decided to go on YouTube (yess, YouTube I was very surprised when I got no ads while listening 💀) and listen to music in my headphones while i was about to fall asleep.
(Specifically, James Joint by Rihanna and James Joint II by James Fauntleroy on a loop and it was slowed 🤭)
Then i started to get dreams while the music was still playing! But there weren’t lucid at first. (I remember I was in a dream where I had my headphones on and I was listening to the song that was playing and at one point I wanted the music to be off so I tried turning off my headphones and I was so confused when the music wouldn’t turn off and I realised I was dreaming and that’s when I woke up 😭)
It was such a vibe and so peaceful having dreams while you’re favourite song was playing! While the song is playing, you can really point out details of the song that you didn’t even know were there and it makes you wanna listen to it again and enjoy it more! But that’s just my opinion! 😙✨
After a few dreams, I had the one. The lucid one. This lucid dream was completely unintentional and very unexpected. In the dream, I was in my room, the lights were on and I had my laptop on my chest. I was going to rub my eyes when I saw that one of my hands were missing. I stared at my hand for a while and I remembered that if you look at your hands and something isn’t right with them, you’re in a dream. That was when my dream became lucid.
I decided to immediately use this to my advantage since I wanted to shift more than anything, so I decided to affirm to shift to my dr.
But as I was affirming for my dr, I started to change my mind. I remembered there were still things in there that I haven’t gotten completely figured out yet. (e.g how did I become famous, where do me and my friends live exactly, where do I work exactly, etc) I needed the void to help me, so that’s when I changed my affirmations and started to affirm for the void instead.
While I was affirming, my chest felt super heavy too. Maybe it was because of the laptop but it almost felt like I couldn’t breathe. And while I was affirming for the void, the laptop had a text on it that said “Change Affirmation?” And some other unimportant stuff that I don’t remember. I was like YESS I changed my affirmations, and 💀???
And maybe it was because I felt like I couldn’t breathe, but I just woke up and didn’t feel tired anymore so I couldn’t go back to sleep and get more dreams 🥲
Maybe if I didn’t change my mind about shifting and thought to affirm for the void first instead, I could’ve gotten closer 👀
But I know what to do now 😼
Also I know this can’t be a regular thing because this whole thing happened from 4:00am to 12:00pm or 1:00pm 💀 (btw I did have some bathroom breaks) I only did it this week on Thursday because it’s the holidays for me and it’s my week off college.
I go back to college next week so I probably won’t do this again until my next holiday.
BUT IM ALMOST THERE!! YOU’LL HEAR MY SUCCESS STORY REALLY SOON.😚
And I’m also still affirming. I’ll maybe update how many affirmations I did from 2023 till now by the end of this month.
Anyways:
Stream James Joint by Rihanna 😌
- LOVE, DANI 😇
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cas-skz · 1 year
Note
hiiii cas can i request a soft!dom yeosang (ateez) 🥹 im a sucker for friends to lovers if you wanted something a bit more specific
It’s you.
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Yeosang x Fem!reader
| REQUEST | non idol au | friends to lovers |
18+!! MDNI plz&thnx!!
warnings: soft!dom Yeo, shyish reader, nipple play, oral, unprotected sex, creampie
[ REQUESTS - OPEN ]
writers note: bapbapbap I wanted to write Yeosang & I’m glad I got this request! I may have hyped this up to much, idk bro but here ya gooo. I hope you enjoy!! :] much love
cas xx
The energy between you and your best friend had changed in the past week. What was once bubbly and fun, now seemed tense and awkward.
It started a week earlier at a friends party, you and Yeosang were chosen for seven minutes in heaven.
Most of the game was spent chatting and laughing as you waited for time to pass.
“What if we kiss?” You had drunkenly blurted out.
It was less than a minute of kissing, but it left you craving more.
Your roommates had taken over the living room, having their own little girls night. So when Yeosang arrived, you headed to your room for your weekly movie.
“You didn’t want to join them?” He asked, sitting towards the end of your bed.
You noticed he avoided your gaze, which honestly made you a little sad.
“Not really, plus we spend every Friday together.”
You wiggled your way up in the bed, sitting against your headboard and leaving a spot for him up from where he was sat.
He finally looked at you, his eyes filled with emotion.
You felt your heart drop, concern taking over as you forced your feelings towards him to the back of your mind.
“What’s up? Talk to me Yeo.” You moved down next to him, looping your arm with his.
You didn’t expect the usual closeness to feel so different. Like his energy was radiating around you and making it hard to breathe.
“Yeo..”
“You know that girl I’ve been seeing? The one I told you about.” He finally started
You pulled your arm out of his, moving away the smallest bit.
He looked at your arm, then at you for a brief second before back to his hands, “I saw her again today.” He trailed off in thought.
You chewed on your lip, “okay, and? Last time I checked you were crushing hard.”
“Yea, I was.” Yeosang said quietly, his eyes flashed to you again.
You looked into his eyes, your heart racing so fast that it took you a moment to get your words out.
“What happened?” You ask.
Yeosang quickly pushed off the bed, running a hand through his hair as he turned to you, his back against your closet door.
“You happened.”
You looked over at him confused, “what do you mean, I happened?”
He huffed a laugh, “Maybe we should kiss. Haven’t you been curious what it’s like to kiss your best friend?” He was mocking you, the words you used to when drunk.
“So, what? You’re mad at me for making you drunkenly kiss me?” You scoffed, pushing yourself off the bed.
Yeosang stayed silent, watching as you paced in front of him.
You didn’t give him a chance to speak.
“You know, whenever we drink together, it’s you who’s flirting with me and shit. The one time, the one fucking time I actually take my shot.” You turned your back to him, running a hand through your hair. “I’m so fucking stupid.”
“Y/A …” Yeosang touched your shoulder gently, but you jerked away.
“What?” You turned around, looking up at him with watery eyes. “Am I missing something? Maybe like when you said no girl was prettier then me, or the time you said we’d be a couple that could last forever.”
Your emotions were heightened, you didn’t expect half the things you were saying to pour out like they did.
You turned to look at him again, his own eyes filling with tears. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it like that.” He paused for a moment, taking a step closer to you.
“It’s just ever since we kissed, my head has been spinning, and I’ve been trying to figure out why. Seeing her today, made me realize something.”
You watched as he moved even closer, your chest feeling tight.
“Oh?” You say softly
He took your hand in his, pulling you into him. “It’s because of you,” he whispered, a single tear down his cheek. “It’s because I’m in love with you.”
It felt like your heart had exploded. You never expected him to return the feelings you couldn’t find the words to express.
He cupped your face, turning your attention back to him.
“I can’t lose you.” You whispered, feeling your own tears start to fall.
You started to turn away, but he pulled you back to him, his lips finding yours.
Yeosang kissed you deeply and for some reason, it felt like a breath of fresh air.
You kissed back, letting your arms wrap around his neck.
“I’m not going anywhere” He whispered against your lips.
Your fingers play with the hair on the back of his head, “You better not.” You say eyeing him up.
Yeosang’s hand gently griped your jaw, his lips crashing into yours.
You returned the kiss, pulling him back until you were against the wall. Your hand slipped under his sweater, fingers gripping at his abs.
“Take it off.” Yeosang breathed, backing up a bit as you ran your hands up his chest to pull his sweater off.
You leaned your upper body back, smirking at him as your eyes ran up and down his body. You wanted him so bad, for so long. It made you tingle.
Yeosang kissed you again before taking another small step back, smirking as his eyes motioned to his pants. “Now these.”
Dropping to your knees, you ran your hand over his crotch, feeling his stiffened cock pressed tight against the pants.
Your fingers worked to undo his belt, “Look at me.” He ordered.
You obeyed, looking into his eyes as you unbutton his pants. Slide the zipper down. You hummed happily, pulling his pants the rest of the way off.
His body moved from in front of you, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Take your clothes off for me.” His tone had softened, making you feel shy.
While Yeosang had the confidence of a Greek god; you on the other hand, lacked that quality.
You started with your leggings, slowly taking them off one leg at a time. The oversized sweater you had on hid most of your body, your breath got a little shaky.
“Hey.”
Your eyes moved to him, taking his extended hand and walking into his embrace.
He cupped your cheek, pulling you close and kissing you softly a few times. “You’re the prettiest girl. Prettier than all the others.”
Yeosang pulled you onto his lap, scooting back a bit so you were comfortable. His hands rested on your hips, “More importantly -” he kissed your jaw, lips sucking at your sweet skin.
You moaned softly, tilting your head to one side to give him more room. He worked slowly towards you ear, “You’re my beautiful girlfriend.”
He pulled back quickly, “Wait, will you be my girlfriend?”
You smiled widely, “Of course.” You pressed a toothy kiss upon his lips, giggling against them as he fell back with his arms around you.
Yeosang flipped you onto your back, rubbing the nip of his nose against yours.
You bit your lip, “Take it off me.”
His hands ran slowly up your sides, sitting you up to lift your sweater off. He ran a hand through your hair before pulling you into another kiss.
You rolled your hips against his, moaning against his lip as his hands explored your body, leaving goosebumps in their path.
“Can I take this off?” He asked, his fingers trailing along the elastic of your sports bra.
You nodded and he quickly threw it off.
His hands were on your breasts immediately, thumbs grazing over your sensitive nips. You moaned his name as he dipped one into his mouth, his tongue running in circles.
Yeosang laid you back down, his mouth switching back and forth between your nipples before slowly trailing down your body.
You watched as he kissed your hips, your inner thigh. It was driving you crazy, dampening your panties more and more as he approached.
Using both hands, he slipped your undies slowly down your legs, kicking off his own boxers after.
Yeosang looked down at you, smiling at you as he crawled back on the bed. He made his way to your head, “Come here.” He said quietly, lifting you a bit towards his large member.
You propped yourself up on your elbows, taking his cock in your mouth. He thrusted into your mouth, drool leaking from the sides. His hand slid between your legs, pushing them apart.
“Your lips look so pretty around my cock.” He hummed, his fingers finding the sweet spot on your clit.
“Yeo..” you moaned, your head falling back for a breather. “Please Yeo, I need you.”
“Please fuck me”
The tip of his cock ran through your folds, your slick easily becoming a lube as Yeosang thrusted into you, sending a shiver up your spine.
He listed your legs around his hips, his deep strokes already daring to make you cum.
He ran one of his hands along your leg, “You’re such a good girl.”
You looked up at him, your hands kneading your breast. “Am I your good girl?” You smirked, one of your hands moving to rub your clit.
Yeosang leaned down, roughly kissing you as his hips started to move faster. “My good girl”he hissed,
Your back arched as your peak started to hit, your moans turning into sharp breaths.
Your walls started to tighten, little shakes starting to hit throughout your body.
He lifted you up to him, holding you in his arms. “I’m gonna cum baby girl.” He moaned in your ear.
Your body was on fire with pleasure, his cock so deep inside you it made you whimper. “Cum in me. Cum in me Yeo.”
He brought his lips to yours, lazily kissing as your peaks hit simultaneously.
Your fingers dug into his skin as your body vibrates against his, the feeling of your release dripping down.
Yeosang brushed some hair from your face, breathing heavily against your lips. “You’re so amazing.”
“So are you.” You smiled, sliding yourself off his lap and grabbing his face to pull it to you.
You kissed him a few times, sliding your hands to the back of his neck. “You’re staying the night, yeah?”
He nodded, kissing your forehead, “I’ll go get us a towel, that way we can stay in here for as long as we want.”
“As long as we want?” You asked giggling, flashing flirty eyes at him.
“Then hurry, cause I want you more..” You ran your hand across his chest, kissing up his jawline, “and more…” you got to his ear, “and more.”
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onewholivesinloops · 1 year
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Just finished reading the new chapter and there’s so much emphasis on how Satoko is enjoying being in control which y'know that's fine. This was present in Gou/Sotsu. But it’s very boring when it's the only thing going on.
Like say whatever you want about Gou/Sotsu but it allowed Satoko to be angry and resentful. It felt very powerful and real.
It was definitely messy but literally everything Satoko did within the loops tied into her motivations and feelings, because the loops are just her venting her frustrations. It’s an allegory for imagining yourself taking out your frustrations on others and the Hou+ all cast review session make as much clear for a reason. I like how Gou/Sotsu's loops are just Satoko venting her negative feelings in the worst way possible after being granted unlimited power at vulnerable point of her life because she's hurt and lashing out. I also think Meguri seemingly eliminating Satoko's love-hate gay feelings for Rika is a little lame too. Putting aside how much I find it icky that Meguri might be trying to soften Satoko’s edges and excise her flaws, I thought Gou/Sotsu trying to re-examine some of Rika's flaws from the original that didn't get the chance to be addressed was interesting.
Like I just don’t think I care if this is building up to Satoko pretty much acknowledging she isn't human anymore by the end of the arc, and how she enjoys causing tragedies more than the peaceful times with the club, then deciding she wants to break Rika so she sees things her way too (which sets up the shift in motives for Nekodamashi), because I simply don't think there's anything to be invested in at that point? We're into this story because it's about our Satoko, not the “witch” (and the witch isn't a separate character anyway so trying to make a clear divide between them the way Meguri seems to be doing by making the motivations lack anything personal is just boring).
Gou/Sotsu, messy though it be, was trying to say something about Satoko as a character because the story is predicated on her making horrible decisions because of her flaws after being driven into a corner and there's an emotional conflict between her and Rika that happens because they're both a codependent mess with the witch stuff being secondary to all this, but I’ve been confused about Meguri’s intent since this arc started?
Also like the repetitions in Gou/Sotsu make perfect sense, because it's Satoko deliberately setting up the loops the same way as before and incorporating the subversions to mess with Rika's expectations, because she's trying to retraumatize her until she gives in and accepts to stay in Hinamizawa after going along with her dream twice where she just got abandoned and relived her childhood trauma (second time happening after she talked out her issues) and giving her an ultimatum didn't work. I’m simplifying things a little but you get my point.
The pseudo remake aspect may not be handled as well as it could've been, but it does work, because it ties into the culprit's (Satoko’s) motivations. The fact that Rika was only arbitrarily dragged into this in Meguri (and because Satoko is gay as hell!) makes this very ??? right now. Like Meguri is heavily implying that Satoko is on a power trip and is relishing in the control this gives her (fair) but I don't feel like it's as good of a justification for the structure? Like sure she wants to relive June of 1983 (I think this is also present in Gou/Sotsu tbh so it's nothing new even if it's more in the background) and I get why she causes tragedies but I don't see why she injects, say, Rena in an Onikakushi-like fragment for example? In the anime it’s a strategic choice because Rika is expecting another Onikakushi but she’s just playing around here.
It feels like Meguri took some aspects of Gou/Sotsu and made them more explicit (Satoko being on a power trip and wanting to relive the good old days with the club) which is by no means a bad thing but it ended up neglecting some other important stuff for some reason because Idk Tomato just doesn't like them I guess? This arc could’ve done a lot of interesting things by having Satoko forcing herself to re-live her trauma backfiring and retraumatizing her, as well as bringing back all the unpleasant feelings, which may still be on the table because she had to force herself to remember Teppei’s abuse to convincingly act the breakdown, but I’m not sure anymore with how this chapter doubles down on Satoko feeling only joy and happiness from all of this and nothing coming from any of the previous moments.
The manga has Satoko fantasizing about being killed by Rika and Eua wonders what Satoko's true motivations are for dragging Rika into this (she assumes it’s because the others can’t handle the looping but that’s definitely not Satoko’s intent), so it's possible it's Tomato setting up something with this (or maybe he just didn't know how to excuse Rika's inclusion because he needed to keep the Gou/Sotsu structure which would be funny).
The manga can definitely do something with this though and I'm still holding on to the hope that the deception thematic in Meguri is gonna play into Satoko's characterization - it's possible we're also being deceived by Satoko's current “villainous” act as much as Eua, which would be an interesting angle and might even justify the loops setup in a more concrete way.
Whenever I'm down on Meguri it's honestly from a place of love for Gou/Sotsu and what it could've been, which is why I enjoyed the St. Lucia parts of Meguri Satokowashi and was open-minded about a lot of the changes, but I feel like the direction has been really questionable this arc.
I appreciate little things like the L5 victims' being handled more logically and especially how Tomato doesn't portray them as caricatures going "IT'S SO ITCHY" all the time. Ooishi is good in this chapter and I think there’s genuine care put into his spiral downwards with how he’s manipulated by Satoko. But I’m going to be real I’m not into this for these things. I’m primarily into this for Satoko so if she’s not handled satisfyingly the whole thing falls apart to me so as much as I want to see the little things handled well they’re not enough on their own?
But if Satoko's behavior until this point has been a big cope because she wants to detach herself from her pain and suffering and something is going to happen that will undo all of this detachment and show that there’s so much more beyond the surface then we can talk.
There’s also the fact that Teppei's corpse is so grotesque (his neck and arms are twisted and his intestines are pulled out and he’s really beaten up) and we don't even see Satoko bashing it like in the anime, which is so fucking lame such a missed opportunity when we could've gotten a scene similar to the one in the anime except with internal monologue. The fact that it's skipped with all the doubling down on Smugtoko just makes me think the intent is that she's cruel because witches are cruel and not because of any personal feelings playing into it? Like Satoko killing Teppei in Sotsu is one of the anime's best moments, because you can see all the pent-up rage and fury and detachment from herself and the idea of any part of her world being real because even with Teppei changing for her she's still the sum of experiences she had to go through because of his abuse so she rejects him. She's in a dissociative haze during it as indicated by the lights flickering and how she only notices how soaked in blood she is at the very end (which makes sense because anime Satoko copes with emotionless dissociation and this one moment parallels Keiichi killing him in the original which is neat).
They just skipped this in Meguri while including stupid fanservice. Because Tomato has his priorities straight. And don’t get me started on how this arc took a very horny turn. It’s not out of nowhere because Tomato has always sexualized the characters, but the two panels of Satoko in this arc are just going too far. Idk even if Meguri’s writing blows me away in the next chapters this will always leave a bad taste in my mouth. I despise how unapologetically horny Tomato is for Satoko especially. It makes me sick to my stomach. The original is definitely questionable and has moments where it sexualizes the kids, but there's a difference between occassional weirdness that mostly happens in the non-serious scenes (which Satoko is mostly excluded from), and the new Meguri chapter. Ryukishi always drops this bullshit when shit gets real because Higurashi is about understanding and sympathizing with these girls, not fetishizing and exploiting their trauma and pain. Like I’m honestly so tired of this. I don’t care when Mei does it but I don’t want to see it in something like this. I just want to enjoy the codependent girlfriends in peace.
...Anyway I'd like to be optimistic and I really hope there will be a recontextualizing twist that will tie everything together and justify this but it’s a little difficult at the moment to think positively.
I desperately want to be wrong about most of this because I want to be able to enjoy it but I’m just not sure right now. There’s a good chance I’ll find out the next update in a couple of weeks or so. Anyway props if you read through my entire rant I just wanted to vent a little.
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souryogurt64 · 1 year
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So I love your anons and they seem to have A KNOWLEDGE I NEED SO
I need to know everything there is on ryan ross like,,, pls help a guy out I felt like i knew much bc I joined the fandom in 2012 but as the "break of panic" happened i see people talking so much things about ryan that i didn't know and im just confused???? Stalker accident????? He cut pete off his life in 2009????? He was/is abusing drugs??? What was his actual relation with brendon??? Like I feel i need to know in order to understand him as an artist more and also stop being out of loop lmaoo
So yeah,,If there's any masterdoc on ryan ross,,,, anything pls share😭
Stalker: There was an incident where a girl allegedly impersonated Brendon to Ryan and was texting him for something like 6-9 months posing as his former bandmate and acting as a friend/supporter. She was doing this with the goal of "proving Ryden." It was a massive violation of Ryan's privacy and a genuinely horrific thing that happened. It kind of climaxed in "Brendon" inviting Ryan to Brendon's wedding and then obviously the real Brendon and Spencer didn't let Ryan in and the whole thing started to fall apart.
It is my understanding that she told some friends and the friends tried to contact Panic!'s management to deal with the situation but were not taken seriously/ignored and generally dismissed as crazy/lying. At that point, they went public with all of the receipts and there was a big fandom campaign to get Panic!'s team to deal with it which is why everyone knows what was said in the texts. She ended up supposedly getting banned permanently from concerts/M&Gs and had to write apology letters so the band didn't take legal action.
Right after everything came out Ryan posted some concerning photos on social media of blood smears in his bathroom.
Since then, there have been persistent rumors the ban was never actually enacted, that Brendon's wife was enabling her to some unknown extent, and the private photos she had supposedly got by "hacking" were actually sent to her by Brendon's wife. I have no idea if this is true, but it's just a persistent rumor that I think originates from the original people who blew the top off of it.
Anyway, as for everything else, this is from my Panic! dissertation.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: “DREAMER’S STAR WAS FALLING”
That is probably more context, history, and backstory than anyone could have ever wanted regarding the events that led to the signing of Panic! at the Disco to Pete Wentz’s Decaydance record label. But… You’re probably still wondering what became of our sleepover princes.
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The band—and Ryan Ross’ relationship with Pete Wentz—would not make it to the end of 2009. At first, all seemed well. In February of that year, Ross conducted a phone interview where he stated that Panic! was working on a new album; he and Wentz would have a “sleepover” that same month. (Via cross-referencing questionable clothing decisions, paparazzi photos, and Wentz’s Twitter account, we can determine this sleepover would coincide with the aforementioned video of Ross, Wentz, and Simpson drunkenly stumbling to a vehicle). During this sleepover, Ross was—according to Wentz—quoting Oscar Wilde.
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A MTV article also written by James Montgomery immediately post-split would proclaim, “Ross…considers [Urie and Smith] to be his friends …The same cannot be said, however, about his former boss — Decaydance Records honcho / Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz — who seems to have clearly aligned himself with the Urie/Smith camp following the split.” Despite the fact that Wentz supposedly did not respond to requests for comment, and Ross was quoted as saying he wasn’t sure if his new band would be on Decaydance, Montgomery would go on to assert that “[Ross’] relationship with Wentz might be finished.” In case you aren’t getting what I’m insinuating here, Montgomery wrote in 2008 that, ““I have no problem saying that [Wentz is] my friend except that… by saying that, I’m basically breaking every guideline in the “Ethical Journalist” handbook.”
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Following Panic! at the Disco’s breakup, Ross would go on to start short-lived project The Young Veins; he was interviewed by MTV regarding the project approximately around 2010. In this interview, Ross appears more doe-eyed, spindly, and unsure than ever; the caustic facade he sported during Pretty. Odd. era interviews is gone, replaced by accommodating, mild-mannered precariousness. In his curious affectation that is the “phlegmatic drawl he must have acquired reciting countless Our Fathers in Catholic parochial school”— its desperate smoothness, pretension, and faux-poise doing little to hide the anxiety revealed by his constant twisting— Ross would profess that, “Some of the differences between major and indie labels is that when I call the indie label, they answer the phone….When you can’t really trust people in this business, it’s nice to have that.” Obviously, the major label Ryan Ross was on belonged to Pete Wentz.
The Young Veins did not do well commercially, either—they peaked at position 40 on the US Indie chart. In 2019, Ryan Ross said that The Young Veins was “The first thing in [his] career that didn’t go right” and having the band “fall through so quickly” caused him to struggle. Ross, who stayed away from substances until he was nearly 21, had begun drinking, was rumored to be using drugs, and was frequently losing money playing blackjack.
Ross was not only struggling to succeed commercially; he was struggling to take care of himself, too. Prior to the dissolution of her relationship with Ross, Keltie Colleen wrote that she did everything for him, such as laundry, bills, and sending his family birthday cards. A 2008 Kerrang! interview would also highlight Ross’ inability to manage his own life to the point of his hot water and electricity being shut off for several weeks (and his cell phone being regularly cut off) due to forgetting to pay his bills. Colleen also wrote that Ross struggled to properly care for his dog, Hobo. Ross seemed aware of, yet largely indifferent to this; in one interview, he carelessly drawled from behind a giant pair of sunglasses, “[Hobo] sometimes doesn’t get fed. Or she smells bad.” Ross and Colleen’s relationship, as depicted in her novel, ended due to Ross’ unfaithfulness. Colleen wrote, “…The history of rock music is littered with bodies of incredibly talented people who thought they could deal with the alcohol, drugs, and everything else the lifestyle offered without it changing them…. [Ryan Ross], who despised everything about the music industry, let it eat him alive…”.
An incredibly brutal review of a Young Veins show written by James Montgomery would summarize the overall vibes of that period in Ross’ life. Montgomery wrote that he “couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for [the band]” and “[he] had such high hopes for [Ross]… [but he] had squandered all that potential” and that “it was, for all intents and purposes, [over for Ryan Ross].” Though the piece did speak quite favorably of The Young Veins’ record, and did hold out a bit of hope for the band, it would end with, “[Ryan Ross is] fumbling and stumbling to the beat of his own drummer now. Who cares about the future when you’ve got the past?”. The Young Veins would announce an indefinite hiatus in December 2010; their Wikipedia page states that, “The Young Veins was a rock band…”.
As Ryan Ross’ flame sputtered, Pete Wentz was suffering from his own issues. Wentz told Rolling Stone that by the time of Fall Out Boy’s 2009 hiatus announcement (not-so-coincidentally the same year Ross departed Panic! alongside guitarist Jon Walker), “I was in such a haze of selfishness and pills it was hard to believe I could feel anything.” Later, FOB would cite mental health strain as one of the factors leading up to the decision. Wentz would reveal to Rolling Stone that, following Fall Out Boy’s hiatus, he suffered from paranoia and anxiety so extreme he had his house searched for cameras, and fell back on his old habits of abusing Xanax and Klonopin.
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However, Fall Out Boy rose from the ashes and back to the charts in 2013, with Pete Wentz telling Rolling Stone he was in a much better place emotionally; he cited therapy and his desire to be present for his child as giving him the desire to manage his mental health.
Meanwhile, after the dissolution of The Young Veins and a few brief, half-hearted stabs at a solo career, Ross would, ultimately, feel that “[The attention and the fame] was overwhelming” and “[have] a little bit of a mental breakdown.” This was triggered by the commercial and interpersonal failure of The Young Veins and Ross realizing that, “Oh, not everything [I] do turns to gold.” Eventually, this would send Ross on a spiral that would temporarily land him in AA meetings.
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castielpotterybarn · 6 months
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OK I FINALLY GOT TO WATCH IT PUTTING SOME THOUGHTS UNDER A READ MORE
- ok so I really wish they’d have gotten the full 10 episodes this season because they have SO much ground to cover and as a result the pacing is Like That and they would have really benefited from fleshing out a few things a bit more
- with that said it’s. SO funny??? Like I was laughing so much I love these funny guys
- I get that this is because of the timing thing I mentioned above but the shift on Izzy felt a little? Unnatural? Like ok he and the crew are friends now? When did that happen? Supposedly while they were enlisted under Ed’s new crew which is fine if we have to infer that but I would have really like to see it
- Stede and Ed are so cute with their little dream sequences they’re so camp
- jumping off that I have such mixed feelings about the mermaid thing alsbdjkakjdjaj LIKE ok the scene as a whole was BEAUTIFUL and heart wrenching but then like? Weird cgi Stede mermaid threw me through a loop and took me out of it a little!!!!!
- but that whole scene with kate bush playing made me more insane than I already am I MEAN GOOD GOD
- Ed’s struggle with self destruction is so hard to watch but very real :-(
- also! Sorry if this sounds like haterism but um idk if im super jazzed about Izzy being the good guy here! He very much still sold them out to the English and crushed Ed into a fine paste right as he was recovering! Can we at least talk about that a little or something lol
- regardless of my feelings about Izzy, con is acting DOWN this season like wow he’s so good
- Ed’s little inn STOP he’s so sweet that’s my baby for real. And you KNOW Stede would have played along with gusto
- pros: intercourse and orgasms ok word can we maybe circle back on that later?
- very confused with the direction they’re taking jim and oluwande? I guess conflict makes a good story but feels a little out of left field, interested to see where they go with it
- SUSAN MY LOVE YOU MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME also did someone say narrative foil omg????
- lot of soup
- I actually think they presented Ed’s struggle in purgatory pretty well. when you’re talking about things like clinical depression, feeling unlovable and suicidal that can get uh very heavy very fast obviously but I think they were able to strike a nice balance
- i know other people have mentioned it but I do like that Ed was clearly on the side of wanting to live and stedes voice gave him the final push he needed. You gotta love yourself first baby
- I love frenchie I love buttons I love jim I love fang I love the Swede I love roach I love Pete i love olu I love every single one of them with my whole heart
- also felt the Archie/Jim thing was a little rushed but WHATEVER I’m done talking about the pacing
- if it were up to me all these episodes would be over an hour at the minimum let’s flesh this shit OUT
Ok there’s so much more and I’m still processing it but my hopes for the rest of the season would be that they like. Talk to eachother like really TALK and lay everything out on the table all the trauma all the feelings I want to snort it through a tiny straw into my frontal lobe
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actualbird · 2 years
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omg can we talk about the R cards they give you in the event for a second?
What are Vyn and Artem wearinggggg
like Luke and Marius look so good as always, Luke blushing is the cutest thing ever <3
but with the other two. I’m too distracted by their… weirdly asymmetrical outfits. Not that asymmetrical outfits are bad in general but. It sure is Something™…
omg yes we CAN talk about the R cards i love these R cards so much hhhh and jhvjVKJHV AGREE ON UR OPINIONS,,,,actually i wanna go thru all of em one by one (particularly only the first evolutions cuz i find those much more endearing than the second) for fun
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precious blushy treasures, casual and looks GREAT
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im biased, im Obviously biased, but luke is my fave. theres no misses here whatsoever. nor for marius, imo.
also why are yall in matching color schemes, did u guys plan this. im not complaining cuz the plan execution came out great, i like these outfits
both their expressions r SO CUTE, SO ADORABLY NERVOUS, I WANNA SQUISH them
but whats getting me the most here is that luke---notorious for wearing for certain perplexing outfits that are so confounding that even if it doesnt happen all the time, it's still really frigging hard to forget---is wearing something fantastic. it's simple but it WORKS and that already is a FEAT IN ITSELF
my favorite thing about both outfits is the little chain attached to the belt loop cuz idk why but thats ridiculously attractive to me???? what does that chain do? i dont know. i dont care. it looks GOOD
i do have to admit that the see-through pocket of his denim jacket is funny to me. it looks nice but also luke, i hope ur not putting like, ur credit card in there absentmindedly
black jeans. enough said
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[said lovingly] what r u guys wearing?
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jus so it's outta the way: no complaints about their expressions, theyre both also very cute. vyn stifling his laughter and artem looking away, badly concealing the box gift....theyre cute :((
and now onto the cruz of the matter: the outfits
i can see that theres a matching theme going on. the younger boys get the light blue/dark colors casual matchy theme and the older ones get a more sophisticated and primarily black deal
and also asymmetrical designs. which, as u said, theres nothing wrong with that! i even like asymmetrical designs a lot! but these ones have me tilting my head JHVSKJDHKF
artem is the lesser evil here. his shirt isnt bad, per se, it just takes me a second glance to understand whats going on cuz the pattern acts a bit like an optical illusion at first
but vyn....
okay, the one half of the shirt being untucked is something i maybe couldve gotten used to. eventually
but having just a Single Suspender is making me go nuts omfg. additionally, there seems to be a second strap coming out of the longer portion of his shirt? is that the other unused suspender?? or is it something else altogether? i have No idea what it does but unlike the chain in belt loops for marius and luke, my confusion trumps the an aesthetic merit i'd end up seeing JHKJSDHFKSD
i must say tho that i like the gold detailing on vyn's shirt, thats pretty :DDD
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full verdict: luke finally gets his moment to shine with an R card outfit that makes sense. vyn has had too many wins in the past with awesome outfits, so for the sake of equality, it is Him who gets the confounding piece of apparel this time
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smoosnoom · 9 months
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they say “home is there the heart is” and mine is on ur ao3 acc. and ur ko-fi 😙
“He hates the idea of falling into the same trap as his parents” as a person with a full time job… yeah. i need to become rich as quickly as possible 🫡 can’t believe i have to work for the rest of my life
“and sometimes forgets his lefts and rights” its actually the sign of dyslexia..
“He’s always been theatrical” yesss, mike is a theatre kid agenda!!
“Well, maybe another look, too, just to commit it to memory, but then he looks away, for real this time” omg 😭😭😭😭 how down bad he is 😭
“He hopes he isn’t blushing” i bet he was as pink as that duster
“Granted, he always looks nice, and Mike is unbiased in this fact” i have no doubt that will always looks nice but mike is definitely Biased
“like he gets when Mike compliments him, and something in him wants to shake Will by the shoulders and ask When will you believe me?” moon. WHEN WILL U BELIEVE ME????
“Mike is above jealousy” sure. he just don’t like when people flirt with will. or touch will. or talk with will. it’s definitely not jealousy, he’s just really protective friend.
“Maybe it’s because Will is pretty and Mike is a hopeless idiot.” maybe it’s all above
“The goldfish stares back” it’s judging his hesitancy. and will’s too 🫡
“when he slouches to meet him eye to eye” well, maybe My bad posture is the consequence of my friendship with short people
“Will looks, just a little, concerned, and his eyebrows are still furrowed” will must be so confused all the time lmfao. just imagine: love of ur life suddenly started being very physically affectionate and he stares deep into ur eyes and says the most romantic things and when acts like nothing happened
“there’s a glow-in-the-dark velociraptor inside!” I’D BUY ANYTHING FOR VELOCIRAPTOR 📢📢📢📢
“because just before his exams, he had cracked and broken down, locking himself in his room and far, far away from a degree he had never even wanted” this is actually me and my natural science degree. i had a break down right before exams cause i hated almost every my class
“It means you’re nice to look at. Artists would love you” maybe just one particular artist? 🧐
did this treatment help? i know one person who needs this
“and laughs when Mike tackles him into the couch as revenge” all of this and they didn’t kiss yet???? please they’re useless
“the sky is pouring rain” AND ITS RAINING IN A BYLER FIC 🥳🥳🥳
“Mike brings a hand to Will’s cheek and swipes the rainwater away, cold to the touch” i let u now that i went back to this whole hallway scene countless times. like. i read the whole fic and reread it. and than reread it the next day. and a couple of other times. it’s just so them 🥺
““Is this,” Mike whispers, “okay?”” the sexiest non-sexual interaction
“Mike mouths at his neck, and Will lets out a shudder” sorry it’ll be bad joke: if they wanted to cancel u for smth it should have been this. cause it’s so hot (pls god give us more byler neck kisses 🙏🏻)
“But I’d never get sick of you” YES my king of the cringe pick up lines is here 😭
“July 18, 1992” seventh scene. i counted!!
“I’m not rewatching Sixteen Candles again, Mike” i get that will is a snob BUT he should give romantic comedies a try!! it’s the best movie genre Ever
one of my faves </3 i’ll never get over their domestic cuteness and cowardness.
im kissing u and biting u and kissing u again on the place that i bite
moon i love u so much 🤍🤍
oh god every time ithink about the future and the endless loop im going to inevitably fall into .. i want to jump off a cliff 😭😭 but its ok . as long as u learn to love it !
is it ?? oh my god every time i drive i have to quickly think a little too long about it .
he is so dramatic !!!! his dming in season one ?? the way he fell to the ground and acted it all out ??? get him on broadway !!!!!!
he is Gay and Whipped 😕
he really and truly was . as a poc who does not have the ability to blush . i think its both funny and endearing how people who blush turn so red . like a strawberry 🍓
listen . that is Different ok art is Subjective and i think ive gotten like . four hate comments permanently imprinted into my brain ,
absolutely 😃 he is just so protective and caring . he definitely does Not resist the urge to set fire to the human race every time someone hits on will . that would be crazy Hahah .
so true . if i was that goldfish i would retire and jump off from the soap container
u know what im going to use that excuse too ! i slouch so much i look like a shrimp and im going to singlehandedly blame it on my friends being simply so short
poor will 😭😭 if i had to deal with that constant whiplash i would die i think . but then again i never pick up on flirting LOL so i wouldnt even notice 😭 nevermind
ME TOO 📢📢📢📢 I LOVE DINOSAURS 📢📢📢📢📢📢📢📢📢📢📢📢
oh no ☹️ i am glad u are doing better with ur current graduated self !!! i know that was probably . not a fun time 😭 but things are better ?
wow i wonder who that person could possibly be 😃
if byler is one thing its a duo of useless homosexuals . im blaming it on their trauma
rain in a byler fic is a full moon in teen wolf . u know whats coming
oh god the door scene 😭😭 im glad u enjoyed it because i refuse to even look or thinjk about that entire section 😭 its so horrifyingly embarrassing oh my god im embarrassed everytime im remindedof it 😭😭😭😭😭
HELP 😭 ITS TRUE ... oh my god . im so mortified rn
i love love loveeee using bad pick up lines on people . and getting bad pick up lines used on me . theyre so charmingly terrible
yes !!!!!! seven !!!!!! thats their number !!!!!!!! im so happy u noticed :D i never write scenes after a kiss but i Needed to complete the seven scene number 😭
oh god hes just like me fr because i never watch romantic comedies 😭
alya vampire arc 🤨🤨 feel free to chop me up . i am open for consuming . in a Not Weird Way
love u alya ! im so happy u enjoyed it and revisted it so much that means Everything to me . ily !!!!! 🫶🫶
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musicwaman · 1 year
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stuff happened today? not much to talk about I feel.
I was late to picking up my friend carmen. I had to shower and I was late when I started showering lol. I like to stay in bed. actually i’m kind of lying about that, but since i’m saying this to a void that could look back whenever it wants to, i’m not going to say it. wonder how that could affect my future if I did talk about it? I assume my digital footprint is large… eh, you probably understand anyway?
anyway, stepdad, john, was a bit annoyed, and the whole guilt of being like 20 minutes late to picking up my best friend kinda made me step back and go, “oh, yeah I should actually do something about this.” and I will. I will actually try being on time for once. hm..
so, we picked up carmen, who, despite being 20 minutes late, hadn’t even started getting ready? it’s ok tho, she got ready in like 6 minutes. oh also, carmen had to leave around 4:30, she plays basketball and had to leave for her game! pretty cool stuff. in her opinion. I don’t really care about sports, and I told her that I would probably go watch her game, but I just.. don’t want to lol. I don’t really find it all that interesting. and also don’t want to go to a place where there’s.. people *shudder.*
alright, so, me and carmen went for a walk, and she wanted to get back at my house by 2:45. we both realized we walked a bit to far to be back that soon, and I was just going to, you know, normally turn around and walk the other way. but carmen, NOTICED A PART OF A FENCE THAT WAS KNOCKED OVER, AND STEPPED THROUGH IT. oh yeah also good to mention our walk had many little curves and turns and whatnot. so yeah, THEN SHE TELLS ME TO FOLLOW HER. this was so abysmal to me, and it felt like a movie. she was the brave one, taking the more dangerous path through a mini-forest with thorns everywhere, and I was the cowardly one, wanting to take the safer path, the path I trusted and the path I knew. so ermm.. what did I do? well my cheeks got red out of confusion and I followed her. ow, those thorns though. so yeah, we’re still going through this forest, and we see some non-foresty bits, cool, we head out there, us both nearly tripping and falling on the weird red thorn twig thing that came out of the ground, did a little loop and went back it. as we keep walking, we see that this field was massive! and there was a little patch of trees in the middle of it, which housed a nice shady place. there was also a house close to where we were standing. it was an odd yellow house, didn’t think much of it, but we kept our distance… carmen walks through the center trees and once I get there as well we notice an iron-chain fence around the perimeter. I think nothing much of it, and carmen suggests, to get home faster, we should hop the fence. i’ve never hopped a fence, and I don’t intend to. so what did I do?? I noticed the entrance, with the gate wide open- then I realized. oh shit, i’ve been here before. I ran over to the entrance of the of the gate and sure enough, right on the front. “NO TRESPASSING”. ah, ok, so carmen and me just trespassed over someone’s private property. i’m sure that’s fine 👍
me and carmen follow the road to go home, and obviously make it there successfully. then I kinda cuddled up on her while wahr went on her phone until her mom came to pick her up at 4:30 for her game. I wished her good luck and so did john. :)
that’s the most important thing that happened. pretty cool, looking back on it now. can’t believe we didn’t get caught trespassing.
god, i’ve said way to much stuff and I’m real fucking tired I almost fell asleep 4 times typing this.
good night.
ohhh my god I woke up and I guess I literally just fell asleep after writing good night I didn’t even post it augh im still tired. but now i’m posting it.
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venusiangguk · 3 years
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gold rush pt. 3 | jjk (m)
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>>pairing: jungkook x reader
>>genre: pwp, v little plot, smut, kinda fluffy, college au (kinda), established relationship
>>word count: 9.9k um?
>>warnings: pegging!!!, butt stuff!!!, sexy anal!!!, sub jk, soft dom oc, crying why do i always make everyone cry, fingering (m), strap on, dildos, vibrators, sex toys, sex shop adventures, explicit sex, like so explicit this bitch is basically 10k, mutual masturbation, coming untouched, kisses, aftercare in the form of snacks, titty squeezing, dirty talk, excessive use of pet names, yoongi exists
>>notes: i wasn’t gonna write this bc ur girl does not know the first thing about pegging, but jk sucking the strap came to me in a dream and i had to do it. it was highly requested so i hope u like it! i wrote and poorly edited this whole thing today so im sorry for any mistakes !! 
>>summary: jk wants the strap, and jk gets what he wants !!
pt.1 | pt. 2 | pt. 3
The sun is shining, and there’s just the perfect amount of breeze to cool Jeongguk as sweat runs down his temple. The soccer pitch just got cut, making the ball much easier to control, and therefore much easier to aim at Jimin’s ass. It’s cool-down time, so the team is in groups of three, idly kicking the ball between each other, for the last few minutes of practice. All in all, a great day to talk about getting pegged with his best friends.
Jeongguk glances around the field, making sure the other groups are far enough away from him and his friends before clearing his throat. “So… do you guys like… get pegged?”
When Taehyung passes the ball to Jimin, Jimin completely misses it due to the fact that he is looking at Jeongguk like he is the most pitiful human on the planet. Jeongguk adjusts his shin guard to avoid the scrutiny.
“Gguk… honey… are you dumb?”
Taehyung’s jogging back after retrieving the ball that ran astray. “No, Mini. He’s straight.” He kicks the ball to Jeongguk. “If by ‘pegged’ you mean fucked in the ass by a real dick, then yeah. We do.”
Jeongguk receives the ball with a ‘rainbow’ and juggles it from his thigh to his laces, balancing the ball for a second before kicking it to Jimin. He nods, contemplative. “Nice.”
“Okay ace.” He passes to Taehyung, before throwing Jeongguk a teasing look. “You thinking about taking it up the ass, Gukkie?”
“Perhaps I’m contemplating.” He sniffs nose in the air.
Taehyung laughs. “Got your button milked once and now you wanna take a phallic shaped object? Proud of you.” He places his hand over his heart, like the mere thought of Jeongguk getting railed makes his heart warm.
A whistle blows, and Jeongguk kicks the ball up to his arm, tucking it into the curve of his trim waist. “Why does everyone call it a button? And it hasn’t only been once.” He sounds exasperated and so so tired.
His friends jog to bump shoulders with him as they make their way to the locker rooms. “Hey, jokes aside, I think it’s cool you’re like comfortable enough, or whatever, with __ to explore the things you like.” Taehyung says.
Jeongguk rolls his eyes. “Okay Dad.”
“No seriously!” Jimin insists, holding the locker room door open for them. Fuck the rest of the team. “She seems good for you. Babys you like you need.” Jimin laughs.
Jeongguk’s shirt gets caught on his head as he squawks. “I don’t just like being babied, fuck you.”
“Okay so she also entertains your sadistic side. She’s the full package.”
Jeongguk looks down with a blush. He shrugs his shoulders lightly before bending over to get out of his gear. “She’s pretty cool I guess.”
Taehyung knees him while he’s still bent over making him stumble a bit. “Awe, Jeonggukkie is in love.”
“Shut up.” Jeongguk smacks him in the face with his smelly sock.
“When you gonna do it?” Jimin asks, buttoning his new pants. 
Apparently they aren’t showering today. Jeongguk will just have to stop at his dorm before heading to yours to help you study. That reminds him that you have a test on Friday, but are free this weekend. He just so happens to be free as well. The team they were supposed to play had to forfeit because their coach got caught sleeping with one of the cheerleaders. Sucks, but good for Jeongguk and his little asshole.
“Maybe this weekend.” With their backpacks on, they start the trek back to the dorms. It’s nearing night now, the sun just starting to set in the sky. Jeongguk pulls out his phone to tell you he’s stopping by his place before heading to you. You reply quickly.
baby🥺💘😏🧠🙄👊🏻:
okie
wanna have sex instead of helping me study 
me:
yeah but im not gonna 
just think about how good the sex will be when u get an a 
baby🥺💘😏🧠🙄👊🏻:
🙄
When Jeongguk pockets his phone, Taehyung speaks up.
“You think she’ll be down?”
Jeongguk doesn’t hesitate. “Yeah, probably.”
Ever since the first time you made him cum untouched, butt stuff has been a moderately regular occurrence for you both as a long-term, healthy, pro-ass eating couple. Honestly it was mostly him getting his butt played with, but he supposed it made sense. Like Jimin explained to his once naïve self, it was just biological- or something. Whatever. He wonders if three fingers will be enough to fit a fake dick in his ass. He asks his friends.
“Eh…” Jimin starts, looking up like he’s thinking. “Maybe, but you might wanna try to get to four, maybe five if you're using hers, since she’s tiny.”
Jeongguk’s mouth falls open and he pales. Taehyung notices and laughs.
“Don’t get scared. It’s just better to over-prep than under-prep. And like obviously you work up to it, she’s not just gonna shove her fist or her cock up your ass.”
Her cock. A little tingle settles in Jeongguk’s lower belly at the statement. He’s been thinking about this for a while, looking at porn in his free time. Seeing the way the guys moan on their girls’ strap always gets him hard. Seeing how hard their cocks get when the toy hits them just right. He throbs when he sees the guys cum just from the strap, no hands. Maybe he should fuck you when he gets to your dorm instead of helping you study. His cock is feeling a little plump.
“Alright well… Bye, thanks for being gay and answering my anal questions!”
As he’s pressing the button to his elevator, they lived on opposite sides of the athlete dorm and there were different elevators for each of the wings, Jimin chirps, “Don’t forget to empty your asshole really well, and don’t eat the day of! Also buy extra lube and put a spare blanket down!”
Jeongguk winces. Valuable information indeed, information he mentally pockets, but did he need to yell it in the dorm common room?
“Noted!” He yells back at the elevator dings and opens up. Jeongguk pretends like he doesn’t meet the curious, kind of confused gaze of one of his teammates. He must have walked in while Jimin was yelling and only caught the end of the conversation while waiting for the same elevator. Jeongguk gets in and immediately closes the doors. He can catch the next lift.
~~~
Jeongguk’s got his head in your lap and you’re running your fingers through his long, silky hair. He showered today, so waves of his aromatherapy lavender shampoo are wafting up to you. Sweet boy. He seems sidetracked, occasionally sighing and subtly twisting, but is still more or less purring on your thigh, feet tucked up onto the cushion of the couch. Netflix is on the small tv that was left by the last person who lived there, you’re mac book connected via HDMI. You’re not really paying attention. Mind kind of tired from all the studying you had done this week. Jeongguk fidgets a tiny bit again, wiggling like he’s trying to get comfortable. He huffs a sigh.
“Hey,” You say softly, getting his attention.
His body curves at the waist, causing his t-shirt to bunch up and show off the dip of his hip bone. He looks up at you with wide eyes. He seems surprisingly awake. Must have some busy little bees buzzing around his mind. He makes a little questioning noise.
“You okay? You’re kinda fussy.” You murmur.
He groans. “I-  am just thinking.”
“About?” You drag the word out in a singsong-y manner.
The way Jeongguk’s face flushes is so pretty, you have to stop yourself from cooing. 
He moves himself from your lap and sits facing you. He looks like he's thinking about what to say, or how to say what he’s thinking so hard about. 
Eloquently he states, “I’m horny.”
You glance at his cock. Not quite hard, but a little happy and excited. You chuckle, leaning towards him, giving him a playfully sexy look. “Okay, let’s fuck baby.”
Jeongguk blushes even more, cheeks tinted red, while he leans away from you.
You pout. “What?”
Again he pauses, a small pout on his lips. He seems to be in a soft, needy, difficult mood. You’re probably going to have to pry what he wants to say out of his mouth.
With another uncalled for exasperated huff, Jeongguk rolls his eyes and moves closer to you before catching you by surprise and swinging a leg over your lap. He’s facing you while he straddles your thighs. His arms are looped around your neck, he’s playing with a little bit of your hair, twirling the long length around his fingers. You smile up at him, gently. Your palms squeeze at his narrow hips encouragingly.
“I want to try something new…” He says. He sounds nervous and looks at you the same.
“Mhmm.” You say, fighting a smile. 
“Really bad. Like I want it really bad.” His hips roll, probably unconsciously from the way he closes his eyes to ground himself. 
You peek at his lap, and his cock is bulging, the fabric of his sweatpants doing nothing to help hide it. You bring your hand to it, and massage him through his pants.
He whines and pushes against your palm before a hand comes down and grabs your wrist, stopping the movement. “Quit it, I’m trying to talk.” He’s so petulant and whiny.
You move your hand away and place it back on his hip, giggling a little. “Well spit it out, then.”
He scowls. You reach up and smooth the wrinkle in his brow before trailing it down and cupping his cheek. He softens immediately, melts like butter in your hands. His eyes close and he lets out a soft sigh, body relaxing a little.
He’s whispering, kinda giggling out of embarrassment, when he says, “I want you to fuck me.” He pauses, peeking at you through his lashes. “Like for real.”
Almost instantly a little spark ignites in your belly, and you feel your pussy get that telltale heartbeat. You didn’t want to push Jeongguk into anything, but you’ve been thinking about taking the ‘next step’ with your… ass-plorations for some time. But you figured he would get to the same point on his own, and would come to you when he was ready. Turns out you know him as well as you thought you did.
“Yeah?” You rub your free hand up his side. 
He nods quickly, eagerly. You pinch his cheek lightly, and he retaliates by trying to bite at it. To avoid the attack it finds his way back to his waist.
“When did you want to? Tonight?”
He wiggles impossibly closer to you. Kisses you quick before nodding again. “Yeah. I um. I already like prepped… mostly. I prepped what I could by myself.” He pauses with a cute thinking face. “You will probably have to help me a little. But yeah. I got ready for you just in case.” He nods.
You hum, glancing at the old clock on the wall, another gift from the prior tenant. 11:52 pm. 
“If we hurry, we can make it to a sex shop? They don’t usually close until 2 or 3 in the morning.” You suggest.
Jeongguk bites his lip, smiling excitedly. “Really? Can we?”
You roll your eyes playfully. “Yeah, duh.” You lean up and give him a speedy, but thorough kiss, smiling into it. “Been wanting to peg you for so long.” 
His face scrunches endearingly. “Don’t call it that.”
He hops off your lap, and goes to grab the keys, wasting no time. He stands by the door expectantly. His cock is, extremely obviously, sticking out. Someone didn’t wear his briefs today.
“Can you like… kill that?” You’re laughing as you tug on some sweats of your own, having only been lounging in your panties and one of his shirts. Your usual at home attire.
He looks down, and has a smug grin on his face when he looks at you again. “It’ll go down in the car. Hurry up!”
~~~
A dildo looks so much bigger when one is looking at it knowing that it will be inside of them within the next few hours. And there are so many options and colors. Some vibrate, some have fake pubic hair on them. Some have balls that are squishy and feel eerily… accurate.
Jeongguk isn’t having second thoughts, no. But he is having thoughts. Very overwhelming thoughts. 
You’re next to your boyfriend, glancing between him and the varying selection of fake cocks displayed in front of you both, trying to gauge his reaction. He looks a little pale, but tentatively excited. Curious at the very least.
“Which one do you want?” You ask.
“No idea.” He responds, eyes wide.
Like most store clerks, one shows up, almost like they have a built in ‘customer needs help and has no idea which dildo to get to peg her super hot boyfriend’ radar. 
“You guys need help?” He is a small man, with a monotone voice. He looks like he would rather be anywhere else at 12:30am on a Saturday night. 
“NO!” Jeongguk says quickly and loudly. Very loudly.
Both you and the store clerk flinch, looking at him shocked.
Jeongguk shifts on his feet. “No.” He says in a more socially acceptable tone. “No- I’m sorry. But we’re uh-” He grabs your arm and pulls you closer. “We’re good, thanks.”
The clerk looks between you and Jeongguk and the dildos. “Um… Alright.” He starts to walk away before he turns back around. “Well if you change your mind, I’m Yoongi and I’ll be at the counter. If your toy is electric I’ll test it in the back before you leave… We uh- provide batteries with your purchase if needed…” With one last glance, a very judgmental one in Jeongguk’s opinion, Yoongi takes his place at said counter. His eyes flicker to you guys every once in a while.
“Baby,” You grab Jeongguk’s face between your palms and make him look at you. You squeeze and his lips poke out making him look like a guppy. He blinks. “I know you’re nervous, but it’s going to be okay.”
He rolls his eyes, guppy face and all. “Well obviously. I just- We don’t need help.” He wiggles out of your grip, much like a… guppy.
You grin, trying not to laugh, and just be the supportive girlfriend you are. “Okay, did you decide which one you want?”
A side glance. “Not yet…”
You walk up and go to grab a pink sparkly one.
“Uh, not that one.”
You quirk an eyebrow and move your hand to a larger one.
“No.”
You play a little game of dildo hot or cold until you have a better idea of what Jeongguk wants. His preference seems to be skin tone, close to his own, with a more realistic feel. Normal balls though, not squishy. Also no faux hair. You thank him for that. If you actually had a penis it would surely be waxed. Bless Jeongguk for doing the same. As for size, he leaned more towards a very normal, moderate size. Maybe 5 or 6 inches at most, not too thick. Smaller than himself. One last option.
“Do you want it to vibrate?” You ask, holding one in your hand testing the numerous different settings.
He shakes his head, answering quick. “No.”
He pauses.
“Wait.” He thinks. “Maybe. Should we? You could use it too?” 
Sweet, kind, considerate angel. Always thinking about you and your pleasure. Couples who share the strap last the longest.
You shrug, pointing out, “I could use one that doesn’t vibrate too.”
He looks offended and sounds snotty. “Uh, you don’t need to.”
“Whatever. Why don’t we get both?”
You had a point. He pretends to ponder it, before nodding, already persuaded. “Okay.” 
“We need the harness now.”
You begin the harness hunt, walking through the store, coming across many a things, but for some reason you both keep missing them. They’re nowhere to be found. 
“Maybe they’re sold out?” He tries.
“Doubt it. Let’s go ask.” You grab him by his pinky and try to drag him to the counter. He resists. 
“Let’s not.”
“Koo.” You say giving him a look.
He whines, throwing his head back. Borderline throwing a fit. You hold your ground, smiling.
He’s easy to give in. Being a brat just on principle. “Fine but you’re talking.”
You stand on your tiptoes and kiss his cheek. “Of course, baby.” With his pinky in hand, you make your way to the counter.
The store clerk, Yoongi, if you remember correctly, is sitting behind the counter hunched over smiling at his phone. He doesn’t seem to notice you’re there.
You clear your throat gently, “Excuse me?”
Yoongi jumps, almost throwing his phone. “Fuck!” He exclaims. His fists come up ready to fight before he sees it’s you and Jeongguk. He then places his hand over his heart. “Shit, you scared me.” He chuckles, recovering quickly. “How can I help you?”
You stare at him for a moment longer before speaking up. “Um yeah, I was just wondering where your harnesses are?”
He leans on the counter, head in his hand looking kinda bored. “Hanresses? What kind? Hanging harness? Body harness?”
You glance at Jeongguk and he looks like he’s going to die.
“The um- strap on harnesses?” Your voice goes to a whisper when you say it, despite it just being you guys in the store.
Yoongi sits up, and looks at you, and then looks at Jeongguk. A look of understanding comes over his face along with an amused smile. He nods to himself, while getting up to help you. “Nice. Follow me.”
Jeongguk gapes at the ‘nice’ and looks at you in disbelief. You pat his butt telling him to get going. 
With some help from Yoongi you pick out a harness that looks supportive and comfortable, the ring that holds the dildo, compatible with both the ones that you plan on getting. It’s a simple adjustable black one. Yoongi recommended wearing something under it if the straps dig into you and irritate. He seems bored, but he’s actually very good at his job, and very knowledgeable.  
Finally you’re at the counter. You place all the items in Yoongi’s reach and he’s just about to tell you the total when Jeongguk perks up.
“Wait!” He says before scurrying off.
It’s quiet for a split second. Before the clerk speaks up.
“He’s cute.”
You smile, “Thanks, he’s mine.”
Yoongi laughs, small little fish teeth and gums on display. Must be a Pisces. You know Pisces teeth. “Does he have any cute friends?”
You nod. “Yeah, but they are dating.”
He shrugs. “Don’t care.”
“Uh… I can give you their Instagrams?”
He pulls out his phone, and follows them right there after a quick glance at their pages. Confidence is nice.
There’s a short lull in the conversation. And Jeongguk seems to be taking his sweet time getting something you guys must have forgotten. Or the poor things lost. It’s a big store. You speak up this time.
“Do you have like a manager I could leave a review for? You were really helpful, and seemed like you really knew what you were talking about.”
He shakes his head. “Nah, I own the place. You think I would be here on a Saturday night if it wasn’t obligatory? Thanks, though.”
“Oh.” You say. That was pretty impressive. The store was quite successful based on the reviews. You would make sure to let Jimin and Taehyung know Yoongi was a business man.
“Okay, I’m back.” Jeongguk announces. “Sorry I forgot where it was.”
He places 2 (two) large bottles of lube on the counter. You cough out a laugh.
“Baby, we have lube at home.”
“But do we have enough?”
“I think maybe one more would be more than enough.”
He ignores you, looking Yoongi in the eyes for the first time tonight. “Add both please.”
Yoongi nods, looking a little scared of Jeongguk’s seriousness, and does as he’s ordered.
After Jeongguk pays, and you both are making your way to the exit, Yoongi calls out, “Good luck, tell your friends to follow me back!”
“Uh- Okay?” Jeongguk yells back. When you’re in the parking lot, he asks, “What the heck was that about?”
You shake your head, laughing to yourself. “Don’t worry about it.”
~~~
As soon as you get back to your dorm, the atmosphere is thick, full of tension and nervous anticipation. Jeongguk’s fidgety, eager to get started. You’re not far off, but contain yourself a little more. Need to keep control of the situation in case Jeongguk gets deep into his mood.
You guys are in the bathroom now, each one washing a toy before you use it. You make sure to unwrap the harness and the lube as well, both at Jeongguk’s insistent request, ensuring you don’t have to stop and deal with it later. 
“Let’s just get undressed in here, it’s where my hamper is.” You say already tugging your shirt over your head, tits bouncing freely. Jeongguk went without briefs today, and you went without a bra.
Jeongguk quietly follows suit, and you don’t miss the way his hands are trembling a little in anticipation. When you’re both naked he kisses you quickly, and jiggles your boobs a little just because they are there and because he can, before saying, “Okay, lets go.” He’s out the bathroom before you can even respond. You laugh to yourself and gather the stuff he forgot in his excitement.
When you walk out with your hands full, you see Jeongguk spreading out a blanket over your comforter.
“Whatcha doin?” You ask curiously, placing the items on the nightstand.
“Gets messy. Wanna save your bedding.” He states.
You squawk, grabbing the blanket he set up on your bed. “Not my baby blanket you monster.”
He laughs, abs tensing. You notice he’s already hanging a little heavy between his thighs. “Sorry. Was the first one I saw.” He walks over to the couch and replaces the blanket that’s hanging over the back with your baby blanket and resets up. “Better?” he asks, extended his arm towards your bed to show off his work.
You nod, and take the few steps needed to close the space between you both. Your hand runs down his belly, and you feel his muscles jump, and you see little goosebumps sprout all over. His hands come up to cup your tits. You kiss softly where his heart is. You look up at him.
“I love you.” You smile.
He blushes. “Love you.” He whispers, before he leans down and slots your lips together.
It’s eager from the start. Your bodies press together, as your hands roam. When he takes a breath and surges back in, your teeth click together is his haste, before his tongue slips into your mouth. He groans into you, his hand going down to cup your ass, squeezing and pulling you impossibly closer. 
You feel his cock against your belly, almost fully hard already. You reach down to wrap a hand around him, wanting to help him get there before you get started. He hisses, thrusting forward instinctively before pulling away. He looks like he hates that he does.
“No- I,” He’s already short of breath, chest rising and falling a little bit faster than normal. “I wanna watch you cum. With the toy.” He reaches around you, grabbing the vibrating dildo. “Please?” He asks. His eyes are fervent.
You take the toy in your hand, and kiss him again softly. “Yeah, baby. Whatever you. It’s all about you tonight.”
He shakes his head. “Always about you too.” 
Your heart beats, happy in your chest. You thought about it earlier in the night, but Jeongguk really was the best lover. He always, always made sure you were taken care of, before, during, and after sex. He was so vocal and communicative, genuinely wanting you to know it was always about both of you, even if one was receiving more attention. He was caring like that in and out of the bedroom. You were so lucky to be his.
“You’re too good to me,” You laugh, climbing onto the bed. You settle back against your pillows, propping some behind you so you can see him, and watch him while you get off. He takes his place in front of you, looking at you expectantly.
He’s impatient, placing his hands on your knees, spreading you open so he can see your cunt. You let him get you into position before saying, “Keep your hands to yourself now, okay?”
He nods, eyes never leaving your pussy. He licks his lips. “Okay.” It’s said in a distracted kind of far away tone.
You hum as you bring the toy to your mouth, getting it wet. You wouldn’t need any lube, you would be dripping in no time. You don’t waste any time putting your free hand down between your legs and spreading your pussy lips, so your clit and the pretty pink center of your cunt are displayed for Jeongguk. You glance at him through your lashes, when you hear a small gasp fall from his lips. He’s already got a hand around himself. Just the tips of his fingers stroking his length, at a leisurely pace. 
“She’s so pretty… You’re so pretty.” His eye flick to your face before zeroing in on your center again.
“Tell me how to do it baby. Tell me what you want to see.” You say, voice salacious and soft. You circle your finger slowly around your nub, dipping inside just a bit to spread your slick around.
When he swallows, it’s audible, his Adam's apple jumping. “I want you to turn it on low, and put it on your clit. I want you to feel good.”
You smile, and drag the tip of it down your body to just above your clit, turning it on the lowest setting before making contact with your sensitive nub. Your legs jolt, almost closing when you feel the vibrations. Even the lowest setting was strong. Your head falls back, and your legs spread more for him once you get used to the strength of the toy. “Fuck…” You breathe.
“Does it feel good?” He asks, greedy for your pleasure.
You nod, eyes still closed, focusing. You move the vibrator in small circles over your clit. You can hear Jeongguk’s breaths speed up.
“Turn it up.” His voice gives away that he’s speeded up his hand on his cock too.
You do as he says, looking at him as you do. He’s sin personified. He’s on his knees, sitting back on his feet, so his thighs are flexed and bulging. His abs tense when his palm twists under the crown of his cock. His eyes almost look black, pupils blown so wide, lust taking over his face. He’s got his plump bottom lip drawn between his teeth. He looks up from your pussy and catches you staring. He smiles shyly.
You keep your eyes on him as you bring the toy back down to your core. A short high pitched moan falls from your lips, as your brows knit together, before your eyes roll back. He groans, your expression enough to make his cock start to leak.
“Feels so good, Jeongguk.” You moan. The vibrator is right where it feels best, pulsing against your clit, causing pleasure to bleed into your veins. 
“Yeah, baby?” He asks, he’s breathless, sounds like he’s in love. With you, your cunt. “Tell me.”
“‘S just right Koo, could make me cum just like this…” 
He curses, and you open your eyes just in time to see him grip the base of his cock, keeping himself in check. “Not yet, baby. Little longer, please.” Still so polite and good for you, even when he’s the one telling you what to do.
He has you keep the vibe there, for a while longer, right in the spot that’s gonna make you lose it. He watches as a tiny clear drop leaks from you pink little pussy. It looks like it’s heavy and about to drip down to the blanket under you. He doesn’t notice your legs shaking until you’re gasping, “Koo, I’m almost- I’m gonna-”
“No!” He says quickly, his hand reaches out to pull the vibrator from your cunt just before you get your high. Your pussy aches and throbs, wanting to cum so bad. 
Your chest is heaving when you ask, “Are… are you edging me?”
He shakes his head, even though your eyes are closed, trying to catch your breath. “No, no! I just. I got distracted.” He looks at that small drop of slick again. Fuck, he wants to lick it up and drink you down. “You’re leaking.” He states.
You laugh, breathing getting back to normal. “Yeah?” You reach your hand down to collect the distracting little droplet and bring it in front of you. You press the sticky finger to your thumb and then pull them apart to see the clear strings stay connected even as you pull. You hum, before offering your hand to Jeongguk. He sucks in a breath.
“Want some?” 
He’s quick as he crawls between you legs, cock fully hard now. He watches you as he sucks your fingers into his mouth, tongue swirling around getting every last bit, before he sucks off with a pop!
He crawls farther up your body to kiss you deep, wanting you to get a taste of yourself too. He pulls back just a bit, and whispers against your lips, “I want you to fuck yourself with it, okay? Just for a little bit, then you can cum?” He’s phrasing it as a question, knowing he really doesn't have the final say, not tonight. But his voice is shaking from how turned on he is, how could you ever say no?
“Sit back.” Is all you respond. He does as he’s told.
You buzz the toy over your clit again, just because you can. Wanting to see how long Jeongguk can be good before begging. Turns out it’s not long at all. 
“Put it in…” He moans. You look at him and his mouth is parted, and his eyes heavy as he watches you. His hand is moving fast over his cock, sticking straight up to his tummy. “Please.”
You drag the toy down to your slit, and tease it there before just barely pushing it in just a fraction of the length. Jeongguk whines, high and desperate. Apparently you’re moving to slow for him.
“More,” He begs. 
You sigh, “You’re so needy tonight, baby.” He nods, agreeable.
When the toy sinks inside of you all the way to the hilt, you and Jeongguk both moan a quiet, “Fuck.” simultaneously. You’re coherent enough to laugh a little at the jinx, but he seems to barely notice, too focused on watching the toy sink into you, and then come back out to vibrate your clit again. You keep up this teasing pattern, again waiting to be told what to do by him, waiting to see how long he makes it this time.
“Harder, do it harder,” He’s panting. Moaning every word that leaves his lips.
You do as he says, and finally push the toy in at a pace that gets you climbing to being close again. You won’t be able to come like this though, and he knows that. Knows that you can only cum from penetration with him. He leans over and grabs the other toy from the end table, spitting on it and spreading it around until it's covered well.
“Use them both, want you to cum for me.”
With two toys in your hands, one in your cunt, filling you up, and one on your clit, making your legs shake, you do your best to make yourself cum. But it’s not enough. A soft whine falls from your lips, you’re so close, but you need more. More than you can give yourself.
“Faster baby, faster. You’re so close.” He whispers. He got both hands working now too, one stroking and one down tugging on his balls. 
You whimper, “I can’t my arm hurts. It’s tired.”
Immediately he stops pleasing himself and gets right to pleasing you. Your pleasure taking priority. “Shh, don’t worry, I’ll help you baby.”
Jeongguk sits between your legs, and takes over the toy fucking into you, and turns up the one on your clit. With him pushing the toy in at a pace that you couldn’t do yourself, and the other toy vibing your clit incessantly, it takes barely any time at all for you to cum. You were so close already, just needed him to push you over. 
Your legs are shaking and your toes are curling, when you cry out, “Baby, I’m gonna cum.”
“Do it, baby. Wanna watch.” He’s quiet, paying close attention to your body and the reactions he’s helping pull from it. He’s part of the reason why your face looks so pornographic as you finish. He’s part of the reason why your back is arching off of the bed. He’s part of the reason why your toes are curling, and why your legs are shaking, and why your pussy is contracting over the toy he’s still thrusting inside of you, working you through every last second of your orgasm. He reads your body cues, and slows down and pulls it out when you start to come down. You look blissed out, and you bring a hand to your hair and fluff it a little before laughing.
“That was good.” You sigh smiling, and when you look at him an image forms in your head, and you have every intention of making him carry it out.
Right before your eyes, Jeongguk wraps his lips around the toy that is going to be inside of him in just a short while, sucking off your slick. He laps his tongue around it trying to get it all. He’s obscene. 
“Gimme,” You say sitting up with an extended hand. 
He pouts at being interrupted, but does as he’s told. He takes your spot on the bed, and you head to the bathroom, stopping by your dresser on the way.
When you get to the bathroom, you close the door and get to cleaning the toys once again. After, you get to the stuff you grabbed from the wardrobe. A lacy pair of black panties, and sheer black thigh highs with matching lace adorning the tops. You slip into them, and then move on to the strap on. You hold it in front of you and try to make sense of which part goes where, and which holes your legs go into. It takes a second, but you get into it, adjusting it so it's nice and snug. Your outfit probably won’t help much with protecting your thighs, but at least the little part above your pussy will be safe. You look at yourself in the mirror. Not too weird or scary yet. You glance at the dildo on the counter.
It’s not too big so hopefully it’s not too… jarring when you see yourself with it. You get to work, slipping the suction base of the non-vibrating toy into the ring that’s meant to hold it in place. You look at it sticking out from your crotch and take a deep breath before turning to the mirror.
You gasp, before cackling quietly. You knew it was going to be weird. Like you knew. But actually seeing yourself with the whole get up is funny. Right now at least. You know it’s going to be sexy, once you get used to it and into the moment and inside of Jeongguk. You wonder how he’s going to react. Only one way to find out.
While you're walking to your bedroom from the bathroom, the dildo bobs, and you're giggling distractedly until you lift your eyes to let your boyfriend know you're ready. Again you’re met with a scene so indecent it belongs in a porno.
Jeongguk’s eyes are closed and soft moans are falling from his lips as he strokes his cock. He’s got three fingers in his ass, opening himself up for you, for your cock. Such a good good boy. He was so patient and productive while you got ready for him.
“You’re so good baby,” You murmur softly.
Jeongguk blinks his eyes open slowly, and rolls his head to the side to look at you. He doesn’t even falter in his movements at all, hand still moving, fingers still thrusting. He smiles a little when he sees you, but his eyes are hazy and he sounds lust drunk when he simply says, “You look sexy.”
You blush and a fond smile graces your lips, any embarrassment or self consciousness you were feeling prior to seeing him spread out for you on your bed, quickly vanishing.
You settle on the bed between his legs and watch for a moment as his hole takes his long fingers in. “Want me to help?” You ask quietly.
“Mhmm,” He nods, eyes closed still, tongue peeking out from between his lips. He doesn’t take his fingers out, though.
You grab the lube next to him, and flip it open. “You gonna get out so I can get in?” 
He shakes his head. “Nuh uh. Put one in with mine.”
Something about that makes your body tingle. Inside of him with him. Opening him up. You can’t explain it, because you don’t really even get it yourself, but it makes you buzz and feel almost high.
You slick up your middle finger, and drizzle some more on his for good measure. He jumps slightly, and then giggles softly.
“Cold.” He says.
“Sorry,” You say distractedly. Your finger is lined up with his now.
“I’ve never done 4 before so you… have to go slow…” He pauses as he speaks, letting himself moan freely when his fingers graze over that secret spot that he’s grown to love so much.
“Tell me to stop if you need to.”
He doesn’t reply, just stops his fingers so you can wiggle yours in next to his. At the first push against his hole, there’s resistance. Very much expected. He’s quiet, teeth gritted, but he never says stop, knowing his body wants it, and knowing it will accommodate what he wants. After the second knuckle, your finger sinks in, almost gets sucked in, by his hole.
He lets out a shaky breath.
“You okay, baby?” You check in.
“Yeah just… full.” He moans when you wiggle your finger experimentally. “”S good. Move it some more.”
You do, and his start to move with yours. You can feel his fingers curl inside of himself to reach his prostate, and it’s pleasant in an out of body way, knowing when his face is going to contort in pleasure, and when he’s going to cry out, when you never really knew before. You’ve milked him before, of course, but feeling him do it to himself from the inside? It’s kind of thrilling.
“Pull, stretch me out.” He moans, voice impatient and needy.
He gets kinda slutty when something’s up his ass.
He swears when you do, his finger rubbing insistent circles on his prostate to distract himself from the minor sting of the stretch. His moans, start to raise in pitch and his hand that’s on his cock, still jerking it, starts to speed up. You can tell he’s close. He clenches against your finger that’s still stretching him open.
“Fuck,” He says, on a breathless giggle, “Take them out. Or I’m gonna cum.” He’s still stroking his cock, like he doesn’t wanna stop.
“You c-” 
“No. Out.” He demands, hand finally pulling away from his cock, and his fingers inside stop. You gently ease out of him.
When Jeongguk’s fingers slip out, you gasp. His little pink hole is clenching on nothing, still open just the tiniest bit, thoroughly stretched.
“You know how you always say my pussy is pretty?” You ask, fingers tracing around the puffy stretched rim.
He makes an affirmative noise, watching you with hooded, lazy eyes as you touch him. He even spreads farther so you can touch and see better. You marvel at the difference between the embarrassed boy you made cum untouched a couple months ago, and the one in front of you now, so comfortable and relaxed. It makes you happy.
“Well, your butthole is pretty.”
He snorts, and kicks you lightly. He smiles at you, soft and sluggish. “Just fuck me.” 
He sounds so wistful and just ready.
But you’re not.
You grip the base of your cock, and stand up. You walk to the head of the bed, next to his confused face. You stay there waiting for him to get it. He doesn’t.
“You want me inside of you right baby?” You ask, voice gentle.
He nods, eyes no longer hazy, but wide and confused. He looks between you and your cock.
“I think that means you have to get me ready. Get me nice and wet, right?”
You can physically see when Jeongguk gets it. When it clicks for him. His eyes darken, and he licks his lips. “Yeah… You’re right. I should… help you.” He whispers, sitting up. You back up enough for him to have a place on the floor.
Jeongguk on his knees for you isn’t a new sight. He’s eaten your pussy like this before, you either grinding onto his face, or him holding you still and making quick work of your clit. But Jeongguk on his knees for you to suck your cock? New, and lewd. 
He looks nervous, kind of hesitant. A hand is raised midway, like he isn't sure if he should grab it. 
“Lick it, baby.” You encourage.
He glances at you, doe eyes seeking approval as he leans forward and gives a kitten lick to the tip. You nod, letting him know he’s doing well. His hand comes up and replaces yours at the base and he opens his mouth enough to wrap his lips around the head, and he swirls his tongue.
He pops off, and strokes up to where his mouth was and spreads the little bit of spit. The silicone is still dry though, so he spits on it more, straight from his mouth. You suck in a breath.
“Fuck, you’re so hot baby.” You whisper a breathy moan as his hands move up and down your cock. He adds his mouth again.
He hums a little, before backing up and looking at you again. “Does that feel good?” He asks.
You laugh lightly, in pure awe of him. He’s so sexy, and so sweet, and so incredibly lust inducing. Your pussy aches behind your cock. “Feels so good, baby. You’re doing so good.”
He hums, still stroking you off. “I really want it inside me…” He says, hinting that he’s ready.
You have mercy on him, having fulfilled your newfound personal fantasy enough for the night. Maybe you could revisit it another time. But now it was time to fulfill a mutual fantasy.
“On the bed, hands and knees.” You tell him.
Excitedly he hops back onto the bed, and gets into position, his hole on display for you. His back is arched and you can see the plush swell where his lower back meets the top of his cheeks. You settle behind him, and his shoulder to waist to hip ratio, is sinful. He’s always had the daintiest waist, strong, but still so small. But at this angle, it’s cinched and the way his legs are spread makes his hips look wider, accentuating the dip at his middle. You rub your hands over the narrow curve, all the way to his cheeks, grabbing handfuls of the muscle. There’s a slight give when you squeeze your hands.
Jeongguk’s head drops, and he lets out a shuddering sigh, he’s got the chills again, and he’s got a constant thrum coursing through his body. “Please…” He moans, so quietly, so desperately.
You kiss the small of his back before grabbing the lube left abandoned on the bed. You lather 2 of your fingers, and push them into Jeongguk’s hole making sure he’s nice and slick. There’s no resistance at all, hole loose and ready enough for them to slip right in. Then you lather your cock, probably with too much lube, honestly, but you wanted to be so sure that he didn’t feel any more pain than absolutely necessary. You knew the first initial push in would be the worst, but you were hopeful you both had stretched him out enough to at least minimize or diminish it altogether. 
You grab the base of your cock and line it up with his hole. It flutters, when you barely press against his rim.
“Ready?” You ask, giving a heads up.
“Yeah.” He says softly.
He’s tight. His hole sinks in with the tip of your cock before the rim gives and swallows around it. Jeongguk tenses and his hands grip the blanket under you. 
“Shit…” He groans. He sounds like he’s clenching his teeth.
You rub soothingly at his lower back, fingers dipping when you run them over the dimples at the bottom of his spine. “You’re doing so good baby.” You tell him.
“Doesn’t really hurt, I’m just stretching.” He says through his teeth. “I can take it though, keep going.”
You grab the lube and drizzle more directly onto his hole. He doesn’t mention the cold this time, too focused on taking your cock. You push against him, and feel yourself sink deeper into him. It’s like after the tip was in, his body knew what to do to take the rest. The slide wasn’t a swift, fast stroke, but it was a smooth and slow glide. When you bottom out Jeongguk’s arms give out from under him, his face going to the bed. 
“Holy fuck.” He keens, resting his head on his arms. Your hands are constantly on him, soothing him in any way that you can.
“Tell me when.” You whisper patiently. He nods. With his head turned to the side and pillowed on his arms, you can see his eyes are squeezed shut. The inhales and exhales you can see in the expanding of his ribcage, tell you that he’s taking deep breaths working through the stretch, getting himself used to it.
“Okay… Ready.” He murmurs.
You pull out just a bit before pushing back in. Jeongguk moans softly. Spreads his legs even wider, arches his back even deeper. He’s pushing his ass out for you, his body begging you to make it feel good.
You keep a slow pace, kind of nervous to speed up. 
“You can go faster, feels nice.” He says. He’s been puffing out little gasps of air every time you bottom out with your slow pace.
With his consent, you grab at his hips and pull out to just the tip, before swiftly pushing back in, fast and hard. His cheeks bounce on the impact. You grab one and jiggle it a little, thrusting into him again, drinking down the whines that slip out.
“You’ve got such a bubble butt, I never noticed before. But it like… bounces.” You say, wonder in your tone. 
“Thanks, can you like tell me about it later?” He asks, voice strained.
Point taken. 
Your thrust game is kind of shitty, in reality. It’s hard to find a rhythm, your hips not used to moving this way. But Jeongguk is moaning freely underneath you, just happy to have something inside of him after thinking about it all week. So you keep going, and eventually, the pattern comes to you, still kind of messy, but now you’ve got him cursing beneath you. You’ve got one hand on his ass, the other braced on his arched spine.
A particularly good thrust has Jeongguk burying his face into the bed, teeth biting at the bedding. “Yeah fuck-” He groans with his mouth full of blanket. With his hands now free, he brings them behind him and settles them on his cheeks and spreads.
You watch clearly as your cock sinks into Jeongguk’s ass. You’re out of breath, but you make sure to tell him how good he looks, how pretty his hole looks swallowing your cock, like it was made to take it.
“Wanna ride you.” He says. His voice is pitifully wrecked and he sounds so thoroughly fucked, you feel a little proud. Still, you’re grateful for a break. You don’t know how he fucks you like he does. ‘Topping’ is tiring. You pull out of him, and realize that when you were in awe of his hole at taking your fingers, it was premature. Jeongguk’s hole after he takes your cock is vulgar. It’s properly gaped now. Not huge, but around a fingers width.
He rolls over, and settles on his back like he just needs a moment. His chest is heaving, similar to yours. You hop off the bed, and a needy keen comes from him. You glance back at him, and he looks like he’s going to get up and follow you, but you hush him gently.
“I’m just getting some water, baby. I’ll be right back.” 
He huffs flopping back onto his back. “Hurry please.” He whines.
You get back as soon as possible with a glass of water for you both to share. He sits up onto one elbow and makes a grabby hand for the cup after you’ve had your share. You swat his hand away and hold the cup to his lips. He hums, gulping the water down. He’s happy to be coddled and taken care of. When he finishes with a cute little gasp, you place the cup to the side, and brush your hand through his sweaty hair. 
He butts his head against your palm and laughs. His eyes shut, and crinkled at the corners. His water break seems to have perked him up. His cock hasn’t deflated one bit. Rock hard and red, throbbing against his tummy. It’s messy and wet too.
You’re about to ask if he touched himself while you were inside of him, but before you can, you’re getting manhandled until he’s on top of you. He’s got your hands pinned above your head, and he smiles at you playfully, before leaning down to kiss you, deep and slow. He sucks on your lip, and slowly grinds his cock onto your belly, soft whines spilling from his tongue. He brushes his nose against yours as he sighs into your mouth, finally allowing himself the pleasure of paying attention to his cock. 
He doesn’t allow himself relief for long, however. He’s sitting up and looking from side to side for the lube before finally spotting it. His movements are quick and hectic, like he’s too excited and overly eager.
You rub your hands over his strong thighs. “Hey, slow down. You don’t have to rush. We have all night.”
He sighs at your touch, and nods softly. He whispers. “Yeah… okay. I love you.”
The little affection makes you swoon, absolutely smitten. “I love you.” You squeeze at his legs, tenderly.
He hums. “Gonna ride you now.” He opens the lube and continues with eager actions, almost like you didn’t even slow him down just a moment ago. You smile fondly to yourself. Jeongguk’s too busy slicking up your cock again to notice the mushy look.
He’s got a hand reaching behind him and he’s gripping your cock to line it up with his hole. He wiggles to get into the right position before slowly starting to sink down. His eyebrows are pinched, and his mouth falls open. But his eyes roll back when he bottoms out. His hands are braced on your stomach.
“Oh, I love it like this.” He whimpers. His legs tense at your sides, almost like he’s trying to close his legs at the pleasure he feels from your cock being tucked inside of him, hitting all the right places. He starts to grind on your cock, soft pleasured little mewls just tumbling off his tongue.
He looks so good, whining, grinding on you with his weeping cock displayed. But you wanna see him lose it on your cock. See him fall apart at how good it feels, not watch him bask in it.
“Bounce on it.” You say, voice sounding almost as fucked out as his. You know your panties are soaked through at this point, pussy pulsing and neglected, tucked away behind the strap.
Jeongguk nods. “Yeah, wanna.” 
He’s lifting himself off your cock to the tip before sliding down on it again, hard and fast. It punches a sharp gasp from his lungs. He finds a pace he likes and keeps it up, his thighs tensing, and his abs flexing as he tests his stamina, chasing that euphoric feeling he wants so so badly. He’s so strong and fit, bouncing up and down on your cock as loud unabashed moans fill the room. 
The force of him riding you makes your tits jiggle, bouncing around until they catch his attention. He groans before his hands find them, squeezing hard, using them as leverage as he pulls and drags his hips over yours. Your cock must be rubbing over his prostate because he’s losing his mind. All kinds of noises leave his mouth, and the expressions he makes are filthy.
“Fuck baby. You make me feel so good. The best- I-” He eyes squeeze shut and his mouth opens in a silent moan, overwhelmed, before a guttural groan sounds from deep within his chest. “God. Wanna cum on your cock, baby. Fuck me-”
You laugh, wonderstruck, and kind of deliriously high on the satisfaction and fulfillment you get from seeing Jeongguk feel so just…. Good. “Yeah baby? You’re gonna cum for me? All over my cock?”
He whimpers and nods as he gets back to bouncing, a desperation to his movements that wasn’t there before. His cock is slapping against both of your stomachs with nasty wet noises due to his precum getting everywhere. You feel some fly and hit your neck, his cock just dripping, weeping and begging to cum. 
It won’t be long though, before he cums. You feel the way his thighs tense, and he gets that confused look on his face, and he’s got that puzzled pitch to his moans. It’s the way he always gets when he cums untouched, always in awe that he can do it himself, without a hand around his cock. His whole body is flushed and hot to the touch, sweat making him glow in the soft light of your bedroom lamp.
He throws his head back, neck extended, and veins bulging, before looking down at his bouncing cock. “Fuck, I’m gonna cum.” He’s so whiny and noisy when he moans.
“Yeah?” You ask again, “Do it baby, show me how. You can do it, cum for me.” 
He’s nodding frantically, “Yeah- I’m gonna... Fuck, yes- Yeah, I’m-” He bounces a few more times, silent aside from the obscene squelching noises of your skin meeting, before his body tenses one last time before that string in him snaps. “Cumming-” He chokes it out. His moans don’t stop the whole time his cock shoots out his load, landing on your tummy. The moans even turn into cries, actual tears filling his eyes and falling down his cheeks. His body jerks and twitches with his orgasm. But still, he’s grinding on you, your cock still rubbing that spot inside of him, it’s like he never wants the feeling to end, even if it’s devastating, bordering on too much to handle.
You smooth your hands all over his sweaty body, before firmly placing them on his hips, stopping him. “Hey. You’re good, you did so good baby, you don’t have to keep going.”
Jeongguk’s cries are quiet, and he takes a few deep stuttering breaths to try and calm himself down, nodding with your soothing words. He rubs the back of his hand at his eyes, trying to dry them. It doesn’t help much, he’s calmed himself some but a few silent tears still make their way out, along with some soft hiccupping breaths.
“Lay down, and wait for me, hmm?” You whisper gently. He nods and lifts himself slowly, wincing at the sore ache in his hole. It’s more prevalent now that the pleasure has subsided. He all but collapses onto your pillow. 
“I’m gonna get some more water, and a towel okay?”
He grunts in response.
Before you go, you strip out of the gear, just tossing it on the ground, eager to get back to Jeongguk after getting the things you need.
When you get back, he is in the same exact position, and you laugh lightly. 
“Baby?” You ask, making sure he didn’t fall asleep.
Another grunt.
Good, he would hate you in the morning if you left him to sleep being so messy.
“Sit up, I have water and snacks and cleaning supplies.”
His head pops up. “Snacks?” His hair is sticking up on one side.
You laugh, endeared. He’s not crying anymore either, a good sign that he will be okay in just a little while after some kisses and love.
“Yeah, I got some of those seaweed chips you like, and some water.”
He sits up, leaning back on the pillows knowing the drill for after butt stuff. You hand him the water and the chips. He eats first.
“You hungry?” You ask, fitting yourself between his legs with the warm washcloth. He opens easily, munching away. You both are far past after sex shyness.
He talks with his mouth full. “Yeah. Jimin said not to eat the day off.”
You hum curiously, but don’t question it. Jimin partakes in butt stuff much more than you both. 
You’ve got all the lube cleaned off his thighs and cheeks, now all that’s left is his hole. You do it as gently as you can, knowing he’s sore just from how red and swollen and puffy it is.  But he still winces.
“How bad is it?” He mumbles.
You hesitate. “Um… You’re gonna be a little sore.” You tell him simply.
He groans, before downing his water. When he’s done, he says, “Practice is going to suck.”
You nod in agreement. It was. You wrap the used cloth in the blanket you used to protect your sheets, once again just tossing the bundle to the floor.
“Worth it though,” He smiles, pleased.
You chuckle as you find your place by him. He’s set his refreshments aside and lets you curl against him. His body sags with exhaustion when he feels your warmth press into him. You plant kisses on every inch of skin you can reach. He purrs.
“Why’d you keep going?” You ask, between smooches.
“I don’t know… it just felt so good. I guess I didn’t want it to stop.” He’s quiet, and his words are said on a sigh.
You nod, your kisses making your way to his lips. You just kiss him, slow and easy, for a few minutes until he yawns into it. He giggles.
“I’m so tired man.”
“I bet man.” You tease.
He kisses you one more time before asking, “Will you tickle my back until I fall asleep?” It’s hopeful and so sugary sweet.
“Yeah roll over.”
It’s barely a few minutes before you're met with his soft snores. You kiss his shoulder blade, before following right behind him.
~~~~
you ask for pegging and you shall receive :] i hope you liked it and that it met ur pegging standards askdkhjd as always, comments and feedback and asks and notes are loved and appreciated. thank you for reading friends ily :* 
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thewertsearch · 2 years
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GG: sorry either myself or my devilbeast is haunting your dreams!
EB: i don't think i am actually saving the world here. :( EB: i dunno what i'm really accomplishing but i guess it's not that. GG: hmm well i think whatever it is it must be pretty important! GG: dont lose hope john i think it will all turn out for the best if you stay positive....
Since we know you’re a bit of a clairvoyant, that ‘if’ reads as more than a little ominous. The vibe I’m getting is that GG is trying to either prevent or cause some sort of event...
GG: just keep listening to your grandmothers advice!!!
...and it's got something to do with Sburb. GG got these kids into this mess, and they really want their friends to play along. 
EB: like maybe you know more about a thing than you are telling me? i dunno. GG: oh well john GG: i want to explain lots of things to you.... GG: some things that i know GG: im just...... GG: waiting!
Ah.
I'm starting to smell a stable time loop.
GG doesn't want to hide information here - she has to. I think she's tiptoeing around the classic precog’s dilemma - if she tells John what’s going to happen, it won’t. 
GG: i forgot i was messaging you about that meteor that fell near my house! EB: oh yeah. EB: what ever happened with that? GG: oh boy.... well........ GG: it turns out i was confused about it... GG: really confused! o_o; GG: see i guess i fell asleep for a while and..... GG: lost track of time
Lost track of time, did you? A neat little phrase for a girl who wants to tell the truth, but can’t be honest.
Did you actually see a meteor at all, GG? Or maybe you saw a meteor that hasn't fallen yet? Or is it both, but it happened in a dream? Did you see your meteor, the one which heralds your eventual entry into the Medium?
I feel like we're really close here to getting some answers. If GG has been having prophetic visions/dreams, it would explain why her info is so scattershot and disjointed - it’s less a power she has, and more something that’s happening to her.
GG: oh gosh john i really want to tell you all this stuff!!! GG: but i cant yet GG: i really think you need to wake up first! EB: huh? GG: well ok not literally GG: well ok maybe KINDA literally!!
Ok.
OK I think I'm starting to get it.
GG is a dreamwalker. She has prophetic dreams - involuntarily - and they lock her into stable loops. She seems to be implying here that John has the potential to do the same, once he’s ‘awakened’ in the literal-non-literal sense of a dream prophet.
I think this is a Sburb effect. John himself has just fallen into a strange, trancelike sleep out of nowhere, shortly after his entry into the Medium - like the Medium has awakened some latent power in him, or granted him one. Did the same thing happen to GG?
But GG’s been having prophetic dreams for months at least. Don’t tell me Rose doesn't know where GG lives because GG lives in the Incipisphere?
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samwilsonsbabymama · 3 years
Text
Not Slippery Enough
Pairing: Gray!Bucky Barnes x Black Reader (18+)
Summary: You leave Bucky one night after finding out that you’re pregnant and return to your hometown. After a few months of thinking that Bucky has let you go, he makes an appearance at your neighborhood block party and reminds you that you can never get away from him.
Warnings: forced pregnancy, stalking, maybe a cuss word or two
Word Count: > 1,300
A/N: So this is my first dark/gray full fic and im really nervous about it lol It’s based on this ask that I sent the lovely @sapphirescrolls​ and a big thanks to @mariahthelioness29​ for everything!!!!! (you should check out both of their masterlists! you won’t regret it!)
✨I don’t give anyone permission to copy/translate/repost/rewrite my work. Minors, DNI at all. ✨
✨ Add yourself to my taglist  ✨  
💕Please let me know what you think! 💕
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You sighed as you laid next to Bucky once again, something you’d promised to never do again. You had sworn that you were done with him, but every time he came around, you forgot your promise.
You glanced at the clock beside you. 
2:07 am
You sighed, if you could just get out of his hold, you’d be able to leave. For good this time.
You held your breath as you gently peeled his fingers from your waist and you paused when he shifted in his sleep. You held your breath and waited for him to settle before you began to move again. 
When you were finally free of his hold, you wasted no time pulling your clothes back on. You silently chastised yourself as you searched for your keys and your stomach dropped when you spotted them on the nightstand next to where Bucky was sleeping. You chewed your lip for a few seconds before you felt yourself moving closer to his side.
Time stood still as you inched closer to the sleeping man and it felt as if fate was on your side when your fingers wrapped around your key.
You glanced back at the clock.
2:11 am
You hesitated for a few seconds and thought about what you were doing. Was this the right thing? Should you wait until the morning and talk to Bucky?
You shook your head, you knew that if you talked to Bucky, he would try to convince you to stay. Part of you knew that what you were doing was wrong, but you would never get another chance like this again. Now was your time to leave.
After one last look at Bucky, you slowly made your way to the front door and out of his life for good.
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After leaving Bucky that night, you made your way back to your hometown, a place you hadn’t been for years, and a place you were sure Bucky knew nothing about.
Your friends and family were surprised when you returned, but welcomed you back with open arms. Shortly after arriving, you found yourself back in a familiar routine, and after a few short months, you were able to relax enough to not feel the need to look over your shoulder anymore.
You loved your hometown in the summer, specifically for the block parties. You hadn’t been to a block party in years and you were excited to go to one. With it being hot out, you opted to wear one of your favorite sundresses. Before you left, you gave yourself a quick look in the mirror and walked out the door.
When you arrived at the party, you were in high spirits. You greeted everyone as you made your way to your friends.
“How are you doing?” your childhood friend, Aisha, asked after giving you a hug.
“Amazing,” you replied with a smile on your face. 
“We need to get you something to eat, Y/n,” Kesha said before she stood to go get you a plate.
“I’m good, Kesha,” you protested, but it was already too late, she was already headed towards the food table to fix you a plate.
You didn’t realize how hungry you were until Kesha placed your plate in front of you and your stomach growled. You listened to your two friends gossip as you ate.
“Have you seen him?” Kesha asked, drawing you back into the conversations.
You quirked your eyebrow in question.
“Girl, you haven’t heard?” she responded. “Someone bought the old Hillman’s place a few months ago and he moved in like two weeks ago, and when I tell you that he is fine, believe me.”
You chuckled, “I heard that someone had bought their property, but I didn’t know they had already moved in.” You reached over to grab yourself a drink from the cooler. “What does he look like?”
“Delicious,” Kesha, responded causing everyone to laugh. “Say I’m lying.”
“Nah, you right,” Aisha responded. “Let me tell you, Y/n, when this man came into my parent’s store the other day, I ‘bout fell out. My sister had to ring him up ‘cause I forgot how to speak.”
“Damn,” you chuckled. “You still haven’t told me what he looks like, though.”
“Right, well he…” she began, but she stopped short and her eyes glazed over. “He’s right over there.” 
You turned and followed her gaze and your heart dropped.
“Bucky?” you whispered.
“Damn, you know him?” Kesha asked as the three of you stared at the man.
You watched as he handed the dessert he was carrying to your old babysitter, Mrs. Miller before he bent down to give her a hug. You watched as he flashed her his mega-watt smile as the older woman fussed over him. 
You watched as he play fought with a few of the neighborhood kids and dapped up some of the men. You shook your head and took a few steps back as he made his way through the crowd, stopping to talk to everyone in his path.
From what you heard, he had only been there for a few weeks and he had managed to worm his way into the hearts of everyone in town.
“You good, Y/n?” you heard Kesha ask.
“How did he find me?” you responded. “Shit, I gotta go.” You began to grab your belongings and started making your way back to your car. 
You ignored the buzzing of your phone as you stuck your key in the ignition and turned. Your heart sank when nothing happened. Desperation forced you to try again only to be met with the same result. You banged your fist on your steering wheel and cried out in frustration.
“Fuck,” you whispered and your shoulders shook as you cried. You needed to get away, but how? You had just reached for your phone when you felt your car shift causing you to look where the movement came from.
You followed Bucky’s movements as he walked to your side of the car. Your heart thudded in your chest as he smirked at you through the window. Your hands tensed around the steering wheel when he knocked on the window and you shook your head ‘no’. His smirk bloomed into a smile and he reached for the door handle. Your breathing increased when you heard the metal from the lock snap and you shuddered when Bucky knelt down beside you.
“You’re a slippery one, Y/n,” he said. He placed his hand on your exposed knee and you attempted to move away from him. “But not slippery enough.”
“Bucky, please,” you begged as his grip tightened on your knee.
“You left,” he stated. His blue eyes were zeroed in on you and you shifted in your seat. “Get out of the car.” You shook your head and he sighed. 
Before you could process what was happening, Bucky unbuckled your seatbelt and pulled you out of the car. You exclaimed at the sudden movement and you cowered as Bucky towered over you.
“You left,” he repeated, his voice much deeper than before. “Why?”
You shuddered and closed your eyes as he pressed his body closure to yours. You felt him stiffen, and a split second later, he pulled away from you. Even with your eyes closed, you felt the heat of his gaze as he dragged his eyes down to your stomach.
The seconds dragged on as Bucky stared at you. There was no hiding it anymore. No more hiding from him.
“You’re pregnant.” Your eyes flew open at his statement. The look of elation on his face threw you for a loop. “Do you know how long I’ve waited for this?” he rested his large hand on your stomach.
You blinked up at him in confusion.
“Do you know,” he began, “how many nights I spent buried deep inside of you, pumping my cum into you while you were sleeping?” 
Your stomach flipped at his words and you tried to sidestep him but he blocked you in. “You’re not leaving me again.”
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A/N 2: If you ‘liked’ it, please reblog and/or leave a comment, even if it’s an emoji or two. It would mean so much to me!
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forever-rogue · 3 years
Note
OH I HAVE AN IDEA like an angsty fic where bucky and reader have a miscommunication and it causes a fight between them and they are both like ???? “we’ve never yelled at each other ??? what is this” AND IDK I JUST WANT ANGST
So, head empty, very little thoughts, but I hope this works and you like it 🥺
─── ・ 。゚☆: *.☽ .* :☆゚. ───
You sang along to the music that was playing softly in the background as you showered and got ready for your day. You’d had a late start, easily giving into Bucky and staying in bed for just five more minutes, which had really turned out to be almost another hour. The good thing about being the boss was that you could afford to be late every once in a while. Bucky was in the kitchen, whipping up a quick breakfast before he too needed to leave and go about his day.
“Sugar,” he called out to you as you washed your hair. You could faintly make out his voice as you carried on, but figured you’d be able to make out what he was saying well enough, “I’ve got everything made and prepared just how you like it!”
You thought nothing of it for a moment and continued to wash your hair; but about halfway through the motions, you stopped in surprise. What had he actually said?
“Bucky? Bub, what did you say?” you quickly rinsed out our hair before pulling back the shower curtain as you tried to listen in. Had he really said he was mad?
“It’s all done! I’m done,” he called back as he covered your plate for you to find once you got out of the shower. He grabbed his travel mug of coffee and headed towards the door, giving Alpine a quick pet before leaving, “bye honey. Running late and gotta go - I’m leaving!”
“Bucky!” you almost slipped and fell as you tore back the shower curtain and almost jumped out of the shower. It was still running as you haphazardly grabbed a towel and darted down the hall and into the kitchen. But he was already gone; the only thing that was left behind was the faint smell of his cologne. Swallowing the nervous lump in your throat, you trudged back down the hall to finish your shower. You were already running late and whatever this was - whatever had just happened - would need to wait until later.
Had Bucky really just broken up with you in the midst of a shower? It sure seemed like it right now.
─── ・ 。゚☆: *.☽ .* :☆゚. ───
A heavy sigh escaped your lips as you sat down and stared at your computer screen. You’d had the same spreadsheets and charts pulled up for the last two hours and made almost no progress. You swore that almost every single interaction you’d had with Bucky over the last week was playing on loop in your mind. You were desperately trying to figure out where you’d gone wrong, what had caused him to snap.
In an effort to alleviate your own fears, you’d texted Bucky to get a response from him and see what was going on. But you hadn’t heard back from him. You’d sent three messages before deciding not to bombard him. But still...if he was just up and leaving you after almost three years together, he owed you at least a small explanation.
You opened google and quickly pulled up an apartment search, already resigned yourself to the idea that you’d need to find a new place fast. Being around for too long would be too hard and you didn’t want to subject to more torture than necessary. And Alpine! You’d need to decide what to do with your beloved cat - Alpine loved you equally, how were you to choose who would get the fluffy little thing? And all the friends in common you shared...who would they side with?
“Fuck,” you groaned at nothing in particular and decided to focus on your work. At least that would keep you distracted and your brain focused on something other than Bucky. You would figure out everything else tonight. It would all be fine. This was no big deal; maybe your world was falling apart...but you would handle it. You always did.
─── ・ 。゚☆: *.☽ .* :☆゚. ───
When you finally allowed yourself to go home that evening, you were shocked to find the lights on and Bucky in the kitchen. He was on the phone with someone, his new girlfriend or someone like that you immediately presumed, moving about the kitchen as he finished dinner. You choked up as you watched the domestic scene that was so normal to you by now. But this time, it felt so wrong.
You stormed in and for whatever reason, you decided that grabbing a pillow and throwing it at Bucky was a good idea. You picked the soft thing up in your arms and hurled at him, who suddenly realized you were home and yelped in surprise as he dodged the offending object. He raised his eyebrows in surprise as he pointed to the earbuds in ears as he turned back to the stove.
You were seeing red by now as you stormed in the kitchen and ripped his earbuds out. He was so stunned by your sudden actions, he jumped back and offered up a shocked look.
“What the fuck are you doing here!?” you shouted at him as you threw the buds on the floor, half tempted to stomp them, “how fucking dare you!”
“Sugar, what on earth are you talking about?” he grabbed his phone off the counter and ended the call without hesitation. Your chest heaved as you waited for some sort of explanation, “what’s going on? Are you alright?”
“No, I’m not alright! How on earth could I be alright?” you threw your hands up in exasperation as you tried to unsuccessfully hold back your tears. He was so calm and nonchalant about everything it was almost more frustrating than anything else.
“Okay...something is going on. Care to enlighten me?” he tried to reach up and wipe your tears away but you flinched out of his touch, “sugar?”
“Y-you! It’s you!” you cried softly as he motioned for you to explain just what it was about him that was the problem.
“What about me…?”
“You just break up with me this morning and tell me you’re leaving me and then you just come back like nothing has happened?” as soon as the words left your mouth, Bucky’s mouth dropped open. It was news to him that he’d broken up with you, “and you didn’t answer my texts all day! I deserve some sort of explanation!”
“I didn’t...I didn’t break up with you, Sugar,” he stated simply as you tilted to your head in confusion, trying to decide if he was pulling your leg or being honest, “why would I leave you? That makes no sense. I love you - I’m in love with you!”
“This morning,” you whispered softly, “you said you were done and you were leaving. When I was in the shower.”
His brows furrowed as he tried to figure out what exactly you were talking about. But then it hit him and he struggled not to burst out laughing. He gnawed on his lip as he fervently shook his head, “my sweet girl, you...well you heard me correctly, but incorrectly at the same time.”
“What? I-I swear…”
“What I said was breakfast was done and that I was leaving for work because I was running late too,” he explained as you tried to replay all that you had heard. Maybe...maybe you hadn’t heard him correctly at all - and in turn jumped to the worst possible conclusion, “I had to run...I’m sorry I didn’t come into the bathroom and say goodbye. Maybe that would have solved this whole thing.”
“You’re not..leaving me?” you asked as he just shook his head and took the opportunity to wrap his arms around you, “you still love me?”
“I find it both hilarious and concerning that you so easily thought I would just leave,” he kissed the top of your head as you held onto him as tightly as possible, “of course I’m not leaving. You never have to worry about that, sugar. I love you so much, silly girl. You sweet, silly girl.”
“I’m an absolute idiot,” you mumbled as you buried your face in his shoulder. You couldn’t believe that you jumped from A to Z so quickly and without a moment of hesitation, “I’m sorry, Bub. I feel like I wouldn’t blame you if you did want to leave me now.”
“Never,” he promised softly, “even if you do have moments of being ridiculous. Just like I do.”
“If I ever do something so dumb again,” you huffed as you pulled back and looked at those ocean eyes, “just smack some sense into me. But I...you didn’t answer my texts.”
“Texts?” he seemed genuinely confused as he reached for his phone and correctly scrolled through his messages. You could see that there were none from you, “what are you…I was in bad reception today. Blame Sam, that I was just on the phone with, for that one. They probably never came through. I’m sorry, honey. If they’d come in, maybe we could have avoided this whole situation, huh?"
“Some bad luck on top of it,” you hid your face behind your hands and sighed heavily, “James. I..I’m so sorry for everything. I just downright acted like a fool today. I don’t even know where to begin to apologize. I love you, Bub. I hope you can forgive me, but if not...I would-”
“Hey,” he put his hand under chin and turned your face up to meet his own. His smile was lilting and gentle and his eyes soft, “I love you. It’s alright done and forgotten. Are you hungry? Dinner’s just about finished.”
“I love you more than anything,” you whispered as he pressed a gentle kiss to your lips, “I just...my emotions were so all over the place today. Like out of control, A to Z. I don’t know what happened.”
“Shit happens,” he dismissed it with a slight scoff as he reached for some dishes, “I’m yours, sugar. Always.”
“Me too,” you agreed as you leaned against the counter, watching him with nothing but adoration. It was then that another realization - and possibly an explanation - hit you. It felt like a punch in the gut, “shit.”
“What?” Bucky asked as he started to plate dinner, “everything okay?”
“Yeah,” you smiled nervously, “just remembered something I forgot to do today.”
“As long as you’re alright…”
“I am,” you promised. You could worry about this later, “hey - I love you so much, Bucky. You know that right?”
“I love you too. Always.”
─── ・ 。゚☆: *.☽ .* :☆゚. ───
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useyernamesteven · 3 years
Text
(Needed some goofy fluff to distract myself from the angst im writing so buckle up, its long. Based on that one post I cannot find so if anyone can help a homie out, much appreciated)
Raya/Namaari Accidental Marriage Proposal
Its not a far stretch to assume that the different tribes have different practices and rituals. And given the 500 year gap in communication its also easy enough to assume that the tribes don't know about each others differing customs.
For example: marriage proposals. In Tail its as cut-and-dry as asking. Talon people propose with rings and jade coin. When you propose in Spine you chop down a tree to show your commitment and strength.
The Fang propose with blades. Fang people love their knives, daggers, spears, and other pointy weapons, so if you want to ask someone to marry you, you do it with a blade.
I like to imagine it'd be because offering a blade to someone- who isn't family -is the equivalent of trusting your life to that person. I like to think the Fang value not only a person's strength and honour, but their ability to care and protect their people. So giving a blade to your chosen love is like saying, "I'm giving you this weapon because I trust you with my heart, literally and metaphorically".
But again, 500 year old divide means others have no clue what giving a knife to someone from Fang entails...
So maybe its been a few months or so after the Druun have been vanquished. Raya is still re-learning how to be a 'princess' while playing liaison between the tribes, with Sisu as her partner in crime. She likes it because she still gets to travel and she gets to see her new friends from the other tribes: Boun's business is booming, Noi has started talking, and Tong has become the new Chief of Spine.
Then there's Namaari.
Six years of playing cat-and-mouse together (or rather angry kitten and homeless puppy) can be hard to overcome. At first it was a struggle. And incredibly awkward. Namaari, too guilt ridden over what she'd done, and Raya, still angry and socially stunted, could barely hold a conversation together.
Eventually Raya, fed up with the weird awkward talk, dragged Namaari to Fang's training grounds and challenged her to a sparring match. And only when it was over, the both of them exhausted and laying on the ground, did they start talking, actually talking. About what happened with the gem, with Sisu, what they can't let go of, not yet, but what they hope they can move past one day.
It made things after easier because it was familiar ground for them, but it also opened up new paths too. Now in the months since they saved the world and having spent that time working together, Raya would like to consider Namaari a close friend.
Which is probably why she's so surprised when Namaari off-handedly mentions her birthday is next week. Namaari, who's less than thrilled about her mother's plans for a big celebration, doesn't even notice how much Raya's caught off guard. Namaari doesn't really care for her birthday, much less when her mother makes a big deal about it, but she still brushes her hair behind her ear when she asks Raya if she's going to attend.
Raya recovers, nudging Namaari saying that she's obviously going, and boasting about the amazing gift she's going to bring.
Which then leads to her dragging Sisu to Talon in search of the perfect gift (Sisu being the only 'person' she knows who can help being that she's a master gift giver... Sisu's words, not Raya's, but still). They run around Talon for ages, with Sisu practically buying everything in sight (with the Heart Palace Credit of course) but Raya can't find a single thing she thinks Namaari would actually like.
And then she spots a Fang vendor selling blades.
The woman is nice and she asks Raya if she's looking for something in particular. Raya says she wants to get a dagger for 'someone special' from Fang (not wanting to rack up the price if the woman knew who it was for, but also completely unaware to what she's just implied).
The vendor seems a little surprised but she easily walks Raya through picking out the perfect dagger for her 'someone special'. Raya ends up buying a pretty, yet functional dagger with a dragon engraved in the blade and an ornate box to keep it in. As Raya's leaving the woman gives her a pat on the shoulder and says, "All the best for the both of you and I'm sure she'll say yes," which Raya can't really make sense of so she shrugs and leaves to go find Sisu and her mountain of trinkets.
So now its the party, and when Namaari said Virana was making a big deal about it, she really meant it. People from all the tribes are attending and Sisu's brought her brothers and sisters and there's music and food and fireworks...
And Namaari stands beside her mother in a beautiful dress that makes Raya's heart thud erratically (it's totally platonic). Her and her Ba walk up to them and start making small talk before her Ba and Virana break off to chat with other dignitaries, leaving Raya and Namaari together.
Raya likes how Namaari relaxes around her when its just them, despite the room full of people. They talk and banter and tease and laugh, but more than anything Raya just likes being with Namaari. And when Namaari mentions how much she hates formal wear, how dresses don't suit her, Raya makes it a game to see how many times she can mention how beautiful Namaari looks while they're talking, just because it makes Namaari flush and do the hair thing she does when she's shy. No other heart-related reason.
Its not until much later when Raya suddenly remembers the gift she brought and she runs off to fetch it. When she returns she hands Namaari the sleek box with a smile and a sheepish "Happy Birthday dep'la".
And Namaari's blushing and smiling as she takes the box, telling Raya she didn't have to as she opens the box-
And immediately slams it shut. Her face turns bright red and she whorls on Raya with wide eyes and a panicked, hissed "whatareyoudoing?!" And poor Raya's totally thrown, so sure she'd picked out the perfect gift. "You don't like it?" But Namaari shoves the box back into her hands, with another frenzied whisper "thatsnotit!"
Well now Raya's a little miffed because "You didn't even look at it" and before Namaari can stop her she's pulling the dagger from the box and offering it back to Namaari.
Meanwhile the room goes incredibly quiet as everyone from Fang suddenly notices what's happening between the princesses. Virana nearly spits out her drink. Everyone else carries on like normal, but a few people watch their new Fang friends with curious looks, completely out of the loop.
So now Raya's essentially down on one knee without realizing it, Namaari's about to have a heart attack, everyone from Fang is on the edge of their seat, and the dragons are having a rousing drinking contest with people from Spine.
So the party is going great.
Raya (oblivious to the world save for Namaari) is giving Namaari her strongest puppy dog eyes because she'd spent so long looking for the perfect gift dep'la, and "You're pretty special Namaari, special to me, and you deserve it."
Namaari, as red faced as she is, softens at Raya's admission, smiling a little to herself before she takes the dagger from Raya with a soft "it's lovely dep'la".
And suddenly the room's loud again as people from Fang start clapping and whistling. Everyone else is lost but soon they join in as well, despite having no clue as to what they're cheering for. Namaari's back to being flustered and she grabs Raya's hand and hauls her toward Virana and Benja. Raya, finally taking in the room around them, is confused as to why people are congratulating her and Namaari.
Virana has recovered by the time the two approach and if no one knew better it might've also appeared she was trying hard not to smile. Namaari hisses something to her mother Raya doesn't hear, and she shoots her Ba a questioning look. Benja looks a little pensive but he's got a quirk in his lips that Raya knows means mischief.
Virana gently pats her daughter's shoulder before turning to address the room, excusing the four of them. They turn to leave but not before Virana calls out to the crowd, "And it goes without saying you're all invited to the wedding as well," and then ushers her horrified daughter, her baffled betrothed, and Benja out the door.
Instantly Namaari's in hysterics, asking her mother why she'd say that when Raya obviously didn't know what she was doing. Virana, quite obviously playing ignorance, asks why Namaari accepted the blade if she knew what she was doing. And poor Namaari can only gape, red faced and no come back.
Raya has finally caught on to what she's done and yeah, okay now it all makes sense. The vendor, Namaari's (gay) panic, the congratulations... she just proposed to Namaari. She just proposed to Namaari. In front of most of Kumandra. Oh toi!
Benja, still smirking to himself, ruffles Raya's hair before turning to Namaari and Virana and saying, "To be fair... Namaari did propose first."
Marriage proposals in Heart are an exchange of necklaces. So when Namaari had given Raya the Sisu pendant back when they were kids, they'd essentially gotten engaged and since Raya kept it, they've technically been engaged for the past six years.
(Too) Long story short, Raya and Namaari get engaged, get married, fall in love, and live sapphically ever after.
End.
(Okay, I'm done. Back to angst.)
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