#im so scared to admit this but weve been falling apart anyway. when this first started i chalked it up to some platonic equivalent of the

[mourn2]

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#the prolonged silences between our conversations are genuinely driving me up tue fucking wall #if it were anybody else it wouldnt be an issue. itd be fine. i can deal with them from anybody else but not feom him apparently since i feel #like im going fucking crazy right now. genuinely what the hell is wrong with me. and i know its not because im overly attached its not that #i cant handle not talking for a while in fact most of the time i prefer it but with him its just unbearable its like im clawing my eyes out #im so scared to admit this but weve been falling apart anyway. when this first started i chalked it up to some platonic equivalent of the #honeymoon phase being over or whatever and actually made my peace with it for a while #but its not that i think. its a lot more. maybe the concept of losing him is becoming more and more real to me and maybe whats scaring me #the most is that i actually want it to happen so i can stop fuckijg feeling like im about to die and explode or something #im genuinely on the verge of a panic attack rn at the thought of telling him this but i should. like i have to. i csnt just run away this #time he deserves to know how im feeling right. theres always little mini versions of this where i text him a half truth to satiate myself #and he communicates with me about it and then for once we have a decent convo which smooths me over and makes me feel normal for a while but #it always fucking catches up to me and i just cant do it anymore i refuse to feel this fucking terrible about sometjing i cant even control #oh my god