#im so fucking tired just make it liveable

[milknhonies]

Please someone lobotomise me. I don't want to have big human thoughts. I'm done. Just put me in a care home and let me go through dementia as I enjoy puzzles all day. I'd rather be at peace and forget things than have to continue feeling like I'm constantly drowning.

I hate myself and I hate that I struggle to fit into society.

I just want to be loved and I thought I'd be married with kids by now (yes I'm only 22 but I'm a Christian virgin who struggles with the physical feelings of being comfortable with sex other than the smut I write and read.)

I thought men were real- I thought men were romantic and worshipped women. I didn't realise how objectified and then shamed we are by men who behave like animals.

I don't want to work and I think that's a massive reason I'm having such a bad breakdown. I want to be a Pilates wife. I want to be at home baking and cooking and meal planning and loving a husband. I want to mend his work uniform and sit and rub his feet while he oats my head and tells me I'm his angel.

I don't want to work in disability care where my tolerance is so minimal to loud, overstimulated (overstimulating for me) aggressive clients. Or work with babies that scream and cry and hit along with angry parents that yell at you the moment something goes wrong. I wish job employment agencies would stop trying to pressure me into these roles. I KNOW THEYRE UNDERSTAFFED ALREADY SO IM NOT RIDING A SINKING BOAT- no THANKS

I just want my dad. I just want to go home. I just want to be 6 years old. I want to go to preschook again and do painting.

I don't want to work from 5pm-5am and walking Brisbane streets at night all alone going from one cleaning place to another just for one client to write passive aggressive comments in the Communication booklet and my boss to start telling other co-workers that I'm having meltdowns and I'm high maintenance.

I'm autistic and I just want to be treated like a toddler or a dog because that's kinder than what's happening now.

I just want a husband to look after me and protect me.

I want to just make cute little videos and not have to worry my pretty head about money.

I DONT WANT designer bags or clothes. I just want to have a house I'm allowed to decorate and make dresses or bake for church. And a husband who comes from work and pats my head and tells me I'm a good girl. At this rate I don't even care if he's fucking a receptionist on the side.

I get it how these are such white woman tears. But fuck I think every woman should have this dream off they WANT without any shame.

I know it's a "grow up this is reality, you're describing something that doesn't exist." WHY CANT IT EXIST. FUCK.

I don't blame feminism. Feminism is amazing and I love her.

I blame classism.

People can't survive on just single home incomes anymore and that's fucked up to me.

"but women had jobs too you're just describing the rich wom-"

Women with jobs were mostly young single women waiting to get married or women who never wanted to get married but needed a liveable income. YES some entire families worked to survive poverty back in the day, I wont disregard that, but FUCK

you would think being so advanced as we are considering we mass produce via machine etc, human life would be "easier" BUT IT ISNT.

And I'm TIRED. I really am. I've been depressed since the day I was born but because it's so normal to me I forget how depressed I am and then feel bad when I burn the fuck out.

[womperchomp]

VENT

my doctor said i was on the waitlist for surgery 13 months ago. i waited 5 months thinking i was on it, she said that it might be a bit longer than usual. thats fine atleast im on it. i go to my doctor to find out i wasn’t referred. well whatever i guess. now i am for sure. i wait 8 months and nothing. nothing? why is it taking so long. i ask others what they think i should do. they couldn’t have messed up twice. that would be insane. i am going insane. thinking that what if im not on the list. i went to my doctor today to find that my gut was right, that unfortunately it usually is with things. i just never trust it. third times the charm though, right? i already waited two almost three years of going to a psychologist and counselling to a point they found me acceptable mentally to be safe getting it and going on T. not including this fiasco. its been so long. i have such bad luck. i just want to cry

i get it i do. people make mistakes im just the lucky guy who gets to experience those mistakes and i get the repercussions .. it’s not fine or okay. it has to be though. i have been so patient. people told me i had nothing to worry about. i overthink a lot and i get paranoid and anxious. why am i always right though. in the end. one end im going through all that then my other doctor with my main health issues and all its taken the same damn amount to even be taken seriously … why is advocating for yourself so difficult and why is the medical business so fucking hard to even get heard anyway. im tired of it all. i want to be heard. no one understands. thats what it feels like at least.

i imagine myself falling sinking into an abyss never to be seen again. maybe im not in a as bad of a place as i used to be, no. i cant really tell if im surviving. someone told me i was thriving now. am i? i cant tell. i think i distract myself so much so i dont get a chance. my brain still yearns to die. even if i feel happy. i can’t articulate why. this world doesn’t feel right for me. maybe its because the world is full of ableist people and privileged ones that decide what to do. leaving those out they dont think of. nor care about. i have to get out of my way to do anything really. i have to push myself so much harder. i yearn for something that will never exist, not a life that is easy, a life that is liveable. i dont know how to describe it. so in the end death comes easiest than trying to carve out something good. not that i would ever really show or tell anyone how i feel. theres no point.

#transgender #vent #doctors #testosterone #ftnb #top surgery #disability #disabled

[batgirlcatgirltits]

Sometimes i get frustrated with my own hypersexuality. Ive mutated it into a coping mechanism after lots and lots of trial and error but even still. Most of the time i dont know how to express love besides being obsessively horny. I cant cuddle or be close to someone i love romantically without feeling a little bit horny. And in that situation i seriously struggle to hold back. When i love someone, i think about having sex with them so much it makes me think im sick

I get through everything by being horny and it can be real tiring. I wonder what its like to not feel horny. Maybe once in a blue moon theres zero sex drive and i feel so confused but like. Its not like i can just rid myself of the horny. Even still after estrogen my sex drive is probably half of what it was, which is good bc it means life is liveable, but fuck its hard to believe that this is half

I mostly love and embrace being hypersexual but. It can be exhausting

#mira says things #nsft

[mizuta]

god im tired (longer winded ramble under the cut about disability?)

the thing they dont tell you. about being the son of two disabled parents, two people who hate themselves more than they could hate you, a woman who swears up and down that her becoming disabled enough to need a wheelchair full time is the worst thing thats ever happened to her, thats Ruined her life.

the thing they dont tell you is their constant insistance that you can do better and are just lazy warps your fucking perspective to yourself until its unrecognizeable. they push themselves until theyre now falling apart at the seams with worse and worse damages that couldve maybe been avoided somewhat and refuse to allow you to be 'weak' and 'need help'.

they dont tell you that when youre navigating constant persistant wrist pain at 22, when your cognitive functions have always been bad but not bad enough, that youre never gonna feel like you deserve help or accommodations. that you cant do math or numbers and thats a larger symptom of something, of when words blur together and you read chunks of writing as nonsensical regularly, when you hear one thing but someone said something completely different and you have to just bashfully laugh it off.

when your language function breaks down and youre speaking in fragmented sentences. no proper grammar. the words are hard and dont make sense and youre just desperately screaming in your own wy trying to be heard. you get told that one might be a symptom of your psychosis but fuck nobody ever told you that wasnt normal to begin with other than making fun of you when your guards down.

when you can barely tell time between two days from each other and your disassociative disorder makes you all lose so many gaps in time, and youre not mad at each other for that, but you just kind of wonder because between that and how much time doesnt exist to you all and how much you forget from adhd to the point that entire days are forgotten after youve lived them, when youre so exhausted and your head feels like fog 80% of the time, when your mood tracker never puts you above a 5 on the mental health scale on your best days.

when you know damn fucking well youre not abled enough, but nobody tells you that youll constantly be told youre not disabled enough, either. not abled or disabled. some fucking other thing, something thats useless, something thats just fucking pointless.

its like, i know im mentally ill. severe clinical depression. adhd. probably cptsd that im still coming to terms with. likely ocd. possibly autistic as well its hard to tell. psychosis. but im also in pain pretty regularly, but its 'only' wrist pain, so does it matter? i cant think straight most days of the week and its a genuine struggle full of spoons to keep my speech coherent and just tonight alone i keep hallucinating my bathroom lights on and getting up and discovering when i come to turn them off theyre already off.

ive been sick for a week and a half and i could barely manage to get out of bed and shower twice. or get a sports drink so i didnt just... faint. i need constant access to electrolyte water/sports drinks or my near-constant dizziness and lightheadedness and sometimes physical pain gets way worse, rather than 'manageable and liveable'. i feel like im going fucking insane.

all signs point to me having asthma. my parents literally think im insane at the idea. i have so much breathing trouble and this last week i couldnt breathe for multiple 10 minute chunks because i went to work sick because i need the money.

christ almighty. not abled. not disabled enough. cant quantify my cognitive problems because itll never be 'enough'. god.

im so fucking tired, dude. i just want to sleep for a really, really long time

#zero jams #;mt

[forestryfae]

basically i have to go home this weekend, cus its christmas next weekend and i need some extra time to prepare so i cant wait to go home until the 22nd. and its so fucking stressfull

first of all. i have to go home THIS weekend specifically so ill have time to clean and tidy enough for the house to be liveable to me for the next uhh. its only 2 weeks but it feels a little like 3.

which means i have to clean, tidy, move furniture around, throw away a bunch of garbage, do every dish in the cupboard and clean the cupboards, do a ton of laundry and wash the dryingracks, find somewhere to dry clothes too since the heater is shit and the ac is unuseable, and clean up after the cats im also gonna try to lower the amount of stuff in the kitchen a second time, i have stuff in my room here and i have a lot of things at home i just dont use much or i only cus it feels like i have to. if i have less stuff itll be easier to keep clean and tidy is like. my main takeaway from last cleanup.

i also have to clean my room here before i go and my brain is just not properly responding and ive been sleeping and been really tired all day lately so its hard to even get up. and its not like its impossible, i just need to move a few things out of the way, fold some clothes, throw out the garbage, get the laundry downstairs, and mop and wipe some dust and ill be done, but its so hard to even get started.

then theres packing. the worst part is i dont even know what i want to pack down yet, i wanna bring mostly comfy clothes and some of my hobby stuff, and i have some pots and pans id like to bring. maybe a handful of other stuff but i havent figured that part out yet, and i dont wanna have to deal with too much stuff on the train, but i also dont want it to be in the way here. so ill see ig? i also have to buy some food so ill just buy some veggies and milk and stuff tomorrow and go on monday or tuesday to pick up whatever im missing.

so like i kind of have control over everything i want to do and what needs to get done and when and how and so on. but its the part where i constantly want to nap and just executive dysfunction that makes things hard atm

#talkies

[nature-played-a-trick-on-me]

i cant afford paying for my own stupid internet and i dont want to be around a bunch of 30yos oh my god i just want to be around people my own age

#i cant cope with this at all #im so fucking sick of it #im tired #i just want someone to stick around and not feel like im just drifting #i cant cope with this drifting at all #i want someone to fucking stick around #i cant cope with more mentors and professionals i #i just cant #i deserve parents i can actually talk to #and who wont just be trying to manipulate me #i just want parents #im so fucking tired just make it liveable

[mrhopps]

im so tired of hearing hashtags, seeing the violence. hearing about soldiers abusing others, raping and unnecessary violence. cops abusing their power. killed so many black people, latin people, trans people, sexually harassed so many. im so fucking tired. fuck the police. fuck the usa. im hearing so much shit happening in columbia too rn, and don’t get me started on the rest of latin america. the usa has third world countries as hostage. they’re fucking killing us all. fuck the power. no amount of words we say will ever remove us from this state of oppression. i don’t believe in passive protest anymore, it won’t work this time. it is so deeply engrained in the system in a way that is not subtle whatsoever and yet the people in power choose to paint it as the opposite, and those that the system favours will obviously see it no other way. we that are already perceived as lesser are therefore not taken seriously, not respected on the same level, and they are ready to allow us to be enslaved, exploited, and more again. as long as it is not loud oppression and violence, as long as they don’t feel bad because it’s not in their face and kept on the low, they will be fine with seeing it no other way. they have made this world for white wealthy people. they have made this world see god in fear. apparently were dying at gods hands but it’s our fellow humans posing judgement on us. in this fucked delusion we live, God IS white, a cis man, and hates gay people. and god wants to kill us all. so fuck god too because no amount of reform of religion views will ever change the fact that religion has driven such unregulated violence on racial minorities,so much so that they want to make it more palatable for a larger demographic to be oppressed by a religion. religion has and always will be a motivator for discrimination and violence. the idea of race will always be divisive. ideas of gender will always limit us from opportunities and full self expression. pride stops you from seeing the good and bad in this world isn’t as complex as being grey, but is really as simple as black and white. killing humans is bad. abusing humans is bad. everything past that, i do not care to challenge you on your ideas. past that i don’t try to define one as a bad or good person because yes at that point it gets complex. but any instance of violence against a human, abusing, taking advantage, there is no other way to view this. no rhyme or reason. in response to unnecessary violence, yes violence may be necessary. but on grounds like them being a certain color? wearing certain clothes? vulnerable? ugly? attractive? poor? fuck you. fuck you to hell. heaven does not exist for humans because we can not make earth liveable for ourselves. only hell exists, and that place is not just already on earth, but present after you die. you won’t just see black. it is more than that. it’s not fire either. but whoever goes to hell is an easy decision, and it should be easy. it’s not specific like whether you fell in love, or were happy in your own skin. it is as simple as hating someone, hurting someone, being yourself in a way that affects others. fuck off. fuck people. fuck racism fuck sexism fuck homophobia fuck transphobia. i don’t think we realise that these forms of hatred are all in the same. all in the same in the sense that it comes from people who don’t want others to live. quite literally these phobics, in hating these people and not wanting it any other way other than straight and white, would rather us dead. come the opportunity? it will happen. i’m scared for my life. im scared of being happy. and i just can’t knowing that i am at the core of the worlds problems and still suffer here, while others outside have no choice but to subjected to our abuse. fuck the usa. fuck the police. fuck the power

[transrightsjimin]

same rant as usual abt being sad abt the world and wanting to help but feeling too messed up to get anything done, but also undeserving of feeling bad nd tired when theres so many ways i could get out of this shit way easier than ppl who r in a less privileged position, so the only way to get out of this is to change myself but if theres one thing tht scares me to the bone it is the thought of ME as a person CHANGING in a way tht would make me less me, even though the current ‘me‘ is boring myself out and holding myself back from getting better mentally

started to cry nd ranted to my friend again at almost midnight bc im again / still so fucking tired of not doing enough to contribute to helping the world become a better place nd i want to know more abt what actually happens around here and i feel bad for mainly listening + talking to a diversity of friends and mutuals online, but it doesnt reflect so much in the more select amout nd mainly white ppl im friends w in this country, despite this city being so diverse like ??? what happened here? but dont want to befriend ppl as token poc or anything, rather it’s just frustrating tht it feels like the way i position myself to other ppl is too closed off nd not allowing growth? i feel the need to get to know more ppl bc g od whenever i listened to a dutch antiracist podcast and whatnot, reality rly hits me how social so many people are, who went outside nd do a lot of social stuff w others nd r just so in the know on news and whatnot and im just. standing still. not learning enough nd not reaching out.

nd i have to read more into leftist theory before even joining any collective but im also VERY bad at handling any sort of discussions or confrontation, like i just shut down / get irritated / start crying from stress if ppl disagree w one another (irl at least) or there’s tension in the air and then i ultimately end up leaving a social group every time, so how the fuck would i even endure being in an activist / political group :SSS

so my friend adviced me to first 1. work on my mental health, specifically first get in a better situation where i have more structure nd liveable income nd thus less stress nd more energy nd clarity, nd also to 2. work on trying to deal better w stressful situations nd my continuous panicking / crying through therapy. that latter idea never even came up to me bc whenever i cried at therapy, they were super empathetic and praised me for crying nd being so open nd clear abt my feelings instead of concealing them. i don’t like crying all the fucking time as an instant reaction, but bc apparently these doctors nd therapists find it healthy it was fine? but it rly is an issue i worry abt now, like crying at work nd when talking abt work or my (lack of) skills nd whatnot is not something strange to me at all, so this can rly be something that can withold me from getting a job. like i need a job to get better but i need to get better to get a job. nd figure out all these fucking things before i could ever possibly potentially join a radical organization and god i cant stop crying but i have to try to get more longterm therapy to deal w this instant sadness or being upset at the slighted things nd that never occurred to me bc it was commonly encouraged by my therapists who r much more used to patients / clients being the opposite?

#rambles #im covered in snot this is gross

[mummer]

im SOOOOOOO TIRED of being so fucking submissive to everyone around me like i really do apologize for having atoms and no one ever listens to me and i deal with misery because im Just Such A Fucking Martyr I Can Take It Hurt Me More and like i really am so fed up with myself and everyone around me because nobody irl gives a single shit about how i feel because i dont demand it im really exhausted but i’ll never ever change

#literally trying to move out of this stupid fucking house im renting a room in and its just impossible for me to #go to anyone and try to fix my life and be proactive and make my own situation liveable #maybe i should transfer to ubc at least i know people in vancouver #im so tired of not being a person