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#im so fucking exhausted i can barely even think
heliianth · 9 months
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i miss my friends
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mejomonster · 7 months
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Ridiculously depressed but I am running ragged (which is surely worsening the depression ToT) so like the idea of weekly therapy to further exhaust me and trigger the anxiety more doesn't sound super compatible
#rant#like. i havent eaten in 6 days im fucking miserable amd on edge. my gi issues are FUCKED right now#so i cant eat and im desperate To eat asap so i really hope my gi issues improve soon jesus fucking christ#anyway... on top of that which... homestly on its own is enough to destroy me emotilnally and exhaust me....#i also am intensely deptessed a friend has like 5 crushes 4 dating options#i looked up advice today! oh no the spiral! i am considering paying money for a matchmaking service just so i can hate myself more i guess#when even that fails. i havent had a crush in 5 years either. i had like 3 crushes BUT they were married or aro#so i stopped my crush. so basically no crush on available for relationships peolle in half a decade. k feel broken#i looked up how to develop crushes today. google amd youtube apparently think its so rare to Not crush that theres no fucking advice#and then on top of it i have regular run of the mill anxiety. where i disassociate if im in public or around strangers.#which helps Me cope and i Feel great. as in not scared. but it means i dont talk well to strangers.#i try to. but i barely know what im saying and i dont see anyone i see them vaguely then block it out. and thats how i handle public.#and if i can manage to be present i need enough of a crowd i can hide. and if i see an attractive person i look away#cause i turn red and cant breathe. and im chicken i guess. so ur supposed to LOCK EYES with hot strangers and stare. but i need to PRACTICE#and then i also need to practice just. MAKING myself go places that make my anxiety shoot up horribly#and just sit and make myself stare at random peoplr and touch my skin and make myself endure being present.#then i have to do the same thing in public places i Like (which makes me more anxioud and in the past often resulted in panic attacks then#suicide attempts and self harm during said pamic attacks) so im not like super hype to endure that#and id rather endure it WHEN MY HEALTH IS SOLID ENOUGH I CAN EAT#because currently? me hungty? me in immense pain? even non anxiety inducing situatilns are shooting my stress level through the roof.#spilling coffee right now is making me feel like dying. just cayse im hungry and exhausted. i want to work up to 1. gi tract DIGESTING FOOD#PLEASE GOD SOON. 2. my back doesnt hurt so bad so i can STAND in public#3 stand in a nonthreatening public place like a bookstore or grocery store and stare at people#4 stand in nonthreatening place and stare at Hot people#5 attempt to enter a place in public i LIKE A LOT like a local hobby club. attempt for an hour if needed#call it a win if i make it to the doorway befote the panic attack hits. 6 attempt again at least standing IN FRONT of building 5 minutes#7 attempt again and maybr peak in and use bathroom so i can leave if im scared. 8 attempt again to enter building and maybe finally join#event i want to join. 8 attempt looking people in the eyes and remaining present at Location i like.#9 attempt looking pretty people In The Eye. 10 attempt saying hi i like your X#11 attempt conversation (if i got through all prior steps). which. this anxiety work could take 3-4 months minimum
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silenthillbunni · 7 months
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💉🏨🧸🩹
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bogmachine · 1 year
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erm hehe whah huh
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mayonakano-archive · 1 year
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i'm going to delete this later but i need to just. yell.
#delete later#vent in tags#anyway uhhhhh any time i even so much as think in the direction of college i start crying so thats a good sign /s#given that i. almost never cry :)#i am. terrified. in the optimal world i'd just drop out and live under my bed or something because my issues are. frankly overwhelming#at this point. i can barely sleep properly despite trying to keep a proper schedule (i woke up at THREE this morning.)#im constantly flipping between being almost suicidally depressed and feeling nothing at all and it's terrible. i don't have any real#desire to hurt myself and most of my intrusive thoughts go the way of 'you should break stuff/hurt others/etc' but man#sometimes i have to step away from stuff just because i see a knife or a fork and wonder what i can do with it.#college makes me terrified and i know my parents fucking suck because otherwise they'd care a little more about the fact#that i can barely do anything or function but nah. all they want is the perfect little child. and now i'm paralyzed#i don't trust my ability to work because of my exhaustion and i know once i go to uni i can't count on any support from my parents#whatsoever so i'm just... stuck. uni's meant to be less grueling in terms of hours than HS but...#stacking work and school sounds like fucking HELL but i don't have the money or support to NOT work...#so all i can do is stress and stress and stress and stress and struggle to even start my essay and feel everything slipping away#because god? do i even remember half of the days i live through anymore? do i even care about the work i'm doing?#no. i'm dogshit at programming to the point where i've been stuck for a month. i can barely do work without spacing out or ignoring class#entirely just to talk to my brother because at least THERE's a little joy in my life. everything else feels so bleak and pointless#i can't do anything meaningful with this godawful life of mine. but all i can do is keep muddling through. because nothing scares me more#than the idea of dying. so that's off the table. so i'll just keep stressing and crying and wondering if it's even worth it.#ugh... if anyone actually read all this just pretend you didn't...
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cibome · 1 year
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#delete later#i went away to the mountains for the weekend and i had a lot of fun and i feel calm and relaxed from spending time in nature and hiking#we also went to see the starts it was so much fun#BUT#i went with my mom and her friends from work and its very exhausting for me to be expected to be sociable 24/4 i just cant do it#i cant be friendly and talkative around people i barely know for THREE DAYS#plus on the first night i accidentally broke my thumb ring which ive had for 3-4 years#i rotate it around my finger all the time to keep me concentrated it calms me down AND it also helps me reduce my skin picking#its not a big problem since i can just buy a new one (if they still have them which idk) but at the time when it broke ...#mind you i accidentally dropped it to the ground and it fragmented into like 20 bits it overwhelmed me so much i almost cried on the spot#im back home already which is good but im so EXHAUSTED emotionally and socially and im working all day tomorrow...#which means i wont be able to buy a new ring until tuesday when i usually cannot even leave the house without it on#rn it just feels so wrong i even feel a bit sick from not having it on#ITS JUST A FUCKING RING... why do i depend this much on a fucking ring idk#but like i had a lot of fun we saw lots of beautiful sceneries i have pics ill probs post them later#i took my reflex but i forgot to charge it or bring the charger so i could only take pics on the first and last day#also the hiking we did was in places that were kind of physically straining so i dont think bringing it wouldve been a good idea#RANT OVER if you read all the way to here i love you thanks for reading my stream of consciousness quite literally <3
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mkscatgirl · 5 months
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:/
#literally what is the point in having hope and trying to do well if youre just going to do bad regardless#like everytime i have a good feeling about a course and i rhink i can actually do well i end up barely passing#but even if i dont feel good i still end up barely passing#like am i just to stupid to actually do well#am i capped out at just barely enough#i think i might actually get it and i do my best and i try hard to learn and but at the end of the day i cant actually get anything right#so what is the point of trying like actually what is the point#if im not going to get good results why should i push myself it doesnt matter im exhausting myself over nothing#if the best i can do is barely pass then why should i bother#like i try to keep my hopes up i try to stay encouraged to try and learn and do my best and put in effort#but i dont ever get anything good out of it so what is the fucking point#i might as well put in the bare minimum if all om ever going to get in the bare minimum#i feel so fucking STUPID why cant i ever get it?????? why cant i ever do better than the bare minimum?????#if i cant get it if i cant do it if i cant keep up why am i even here why am i even trying#i was to give up so bad but i also also dont i want to stay and try but i feel like i cant try i feel like im barely staying afloat#i hate this so much i hate that i care i hate that i want to try i hate i hate i hate#im so tired of trying and never getting anything for it i want to not care i want to not have to care#the worst part is is i cant just not care because i need to not fail things do depend on my grades#sometimes i think i should just drop out because i dont think i can do it but at the same time i would be so sad and regetful if i fid#so alas i keep on going i keep on trying but like WHAT IS THE POINT????????????
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sleepylavend3rz · 7 months
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4ugust4r · 7 months
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Why is my body n brain so addicted to horrible time fall asleep now
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savethepinecones · 1 year
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cant work today either ugh
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tojirights · 1 month
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Honestly think you're one of the best writers for Alastor in this fandom! Your stuff is always brilliant and the characterisation is perfect!
Had the idea last night: Alastor and reader going multiple rounds, and reader still wanting more and being full of energy but Alastor being absolutely out of it and completely shattered, so he uses his tentacles instead, because what kind of gentleman keeps his lady wanting?
Just an excuse to request tentacle sex with everyone's favourite "deer".
a/n: im gonna be so real with you, im not really sure if the tentacles are like, real apendages or if they're part of his shadow soooo i wrote them as the latter. hope it makes sense!! thank you love :') y'all are too nice 🩷
if there was one thing you weren’t expecting to still have in hell, it was your damn hormonal cycle. you didn’t necessarily have a period, but by god, you swore you still ovulated. it felt even worse than before, the primal need threatened to burn a hole through you. you always felt like a bother to alastor during this week of the month, begging and pleading for him to fuck you for hours. but, alastor never turned you away.
today though, you were especially needy. alastor had already made you cum a handful of times and had cum twice himself. he was exhausted. yet, there you were at the edge of his bed, eyes still filled with lust. “my goodess…” alastor chuckles, shaking his head. “i’m not sure i have much left in the tank, darling.” he cups your cheek, watching tears well up in your eyes. “i-i’m sorry-” he shushes you before you can continue. “did i say anything about stopping? i’d never dream of leaving my lady hanging when she needs me.”
“but…” you frown, watching alastor’s smile turn to smirk. “i have a few tricks up my sleeve, my dear. lay back.” your eyes widen as there’s a flash of green light, followed by five tentacle-like appendages sprout from alastor’s back. “w-what?” adrenaline surges through you as well as a mix of excitement and nerves. “you’re gonna… use those?” you gulp, watching the tentacles slither towards you. “why of course!” alastor snickers, seeing your apprehension. “don’t you worry that pretty little head of yours." he coos, watching with hungry yet tired eyes.
the shadow apendages wrap around your thighs, cold to the touch but not unpleasant. as they slowly spread your legs, another slides between them. it's almost embarrassing the way your legs shake with anticipation, the cool tip of the tentacles swiping up your slit. "o-oh, that's..." you sigh in relief when you're suddenly being filled. "how's that darling?" alastor hums, watching as you open wider around him. "that's... oh god alastor..." you pant, every slow thrust of his tentacle-like shadow making your head dizzy.
the foreign feeling of being stretched so wide has you already teetering on the edge. without warning, alastor curls the apendage while picking up pace, making your eyes roll into the back of your head. "gonna-" you mewl, hips arching off the bed with every thrust. "k-keep going please. 'm gonna cum." every whine makes alastor almost wish his cock was back inside of you, knowing just how hard you're clamping down on his shadow.
but the sight of you writhing, gripping the sheets like you're life depended on it was something he's grateful to be seeing from afar. the buildup to your orgasm comes strong, the coil in your stomach snapping from the tension and- "oooh, you really liked that, hm?" alastor's voice is heavy with arousal, pulling you back to reality after cumming. your vision slowly returns, heavy breathing filling your ears. you barely register the soaking mess you've made on the bed. "oh my god. did i..?" your face goes red, embarrasmemt setting in once again. "yes, my sweet. you did, and made quite the mess for us to clean up."
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evie-sturns · 2 months
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𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘥 - 𝘔𝘢𝘵𝘵 𝘚𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘰𝘭𝘰
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summary: when you and matt first started dating, you made a rule, that you two would never go to sleep mad at each other, but tonight a heated argument breaks that rule.
warnings: arguing, angst?, crying, swearing, fluff.
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me and matt don't fight often, in our 4 months of being together we've only bickered, aside from the odd big argument. we always make up by the end of the day because of our rule. never fall asleep angry with each other.
9:48pm
"matt i promise, i didn't mean to." i sigh, i'm exhausted after our arguing, which has been going on for 45 minutes.
"you didn't mean to search my phone, im sure." he scoffs, grabbing his phone and checking the time.
"i fucking didn't matt, your phone was being spammed every 2 seconds so i picked it up, then you came in, its not my fault it looked different from how it actually was."
i say, my voice raising as i go to walk away, but matt grabs my wrist, yanking me back towards him. "so all the other apps that had been opened weren't you hm?"
he says glaring down at me, matt never loosens his painful grip, i don't think he even realises he's hurting me. his rings leave red marks on my arm.
"im going to sleep matthew." i say, my voice barely audible and wobbling.
matt's grip softens, allowing me to pull away.
i run upstairs, slamming the door to the bedroom behind me as i hold back my tears.
i rarely cry, matt's only seen me cry a handful of times meaning its a shock for him each time i do.
i strip down to just a tank top and panties before crawling into bed, shutting my eyes, hoping to sleep off the built-up frustration inside me.
just as i feel myself drifting to sleep the door swings open, followed by matt's angry stomps. he rips down the covers and plops himself in, before yanking them back up.
after a few minutes i roll over, matts back is facing me. i reach out a hand to grab his, he pushes me off. "dude don't fucking touch me?" matt says, somehow moving further away from me.
that'll do it.
i climb out of bed, grabbing my pillow as i walk over to the small basket in the corner of our room, filled with blankets from our previous movie nights. i pull up a blanket into my arms as tears fill my waterline. matt flicks on the lamp which rests on our bedside table, a warm yellow light fills the room.
"what the fuck are you doing this time." matt says, squinting his eyes.
i erupt into sobs, my face scrunching as tears soak my face. through my blurred vision, i can partially see concern and worry painted across matts face. i have a pillow under my arm, a blanket in my other and im clutching matts pug stuffed animal, which we share now.
i walk out of the bedroom, shutting the door softly behind me before sprinting downstairs, i place my pillow down on the small couch, and lay down, pulling the grey blanket over me and cuddling the pug to my chest, which shortly gets damp from my tears.
11:34pm
i dont know how long ive been asleep, or even where i am, but i'm woken up from matts arms around me, holding me in a bridal position. "matt..?" i say, looking up at him through my swollen eyes.
"i know gorgeous, theres no heating down here its too cold for you sweetheart." matt says, his voice soft and quiet.
my eyebrows furrow, did we even fight? or did i dream it? i look down at my wrist, which is red from where matt grabbed me earlier,
we fought.
matt carries me upstairs, his grip on me is so gentle i cant even comprehend how I'm being held up right now.
he opens our bedroom door with his elbow, the room is pristine, cleaner than I've ever seen it. "why is it so tidy in here.." i squeeze out, my voice raspy. matt clears his throat "oh-.. uh couldn't sleep so i cleaned.."
he pulls back the covers, readjusting the pillow with one hand before laying me down. "do you want me to come in the bed with you or are you happy by yourself.." matt says, his voice timid.
"you can come in.." i say, wide awake now and fully aware of everything thats happened in the past 3 hours.
matt lies down next to me, his body tense.
"im really sorry, i feel so guilty." matt says, tilting his head to look over at me. i nod, "it was my fault too." i say, fidgeting with my nails.
"no its not, i overreacted so much i don't even know what went over me, i regret it so much." matts voice shakes.
"i feel like shit for even touching you." matt says, "and i'm sorry for waking you up but i didnt want to break our rule.."
"huh?" i say, looking over at him, our eyes making eye contact.
"no going to bed angry with eachother.." he says with a small laugh.
i roll over to face him, a wide smile spread across my face. "oh matt.." i say, climbing ontop of him and laying down, burying my face on his shoulder and wrapping my arms around, underneath him.
he hugs me back with a sigh of relief, but somethings different,
"matt! where are your rings?" i say, sitting up on his torso and grabbing his hand.
"i couldn't even look at them without feeling guilty, i know they dug into your arm.."
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i love this i was in such a writey mood
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arminsumi · 6 months
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🔞 playtime w enemy!gojo
g. satoru — さとる
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NOTE: i think abt this idea all the time n i just thought id gift u all a piece of mean nasty enemy gojo lusting for u
WARNINGS — ignore errors pls, smut, he's mean he's a jerk but he kinda feels for u, blood mentions, fighting, m*sturbation, he jerkin it to a pic he snapped of ur defeated face 🫠 sexual tension, impact play (slapping n spanking), dirty talk, namecalling (sl*t, wh*re, b*tch, freak) and nicknames (bunny, sweetheart, baby), dirty talk, unprotected sex, taboo sex (fucking ur enemy) creampie, it's nasty im ngl, god kink thing??? he rlly cums n goes 🧍‍♀️, hairpulling
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just... just enemy!gojo...
enemy!gojo kissing you like he's trying to kill you. you can feel this murderous rage on his lips after you fuck up his heroic plans.
and enemy!gojo fighting you like he's trying to get in your pants 🥴 he hates you so much, but let's be real he's in fucking denial and needs you so bad. after fights, he's cooped up in his bedroom jerking off to the memory of all those positions he put you in. ("ooh, well aren't you flexible?" he teases when he literally puts you into a full-nelson. "hey, if this whole villain business fails for you then you can be my personal pornstar.")
his whole body feels like it's on fire when you're throwing fists with him. he shakes not from exhaustion or pain but just pure sexual desire. he gets so upclose and personal with you, you're sure it's on purpose. when you're limp and defeated, he takes a victory picture :( grabs your jaw and says "smile for the camera! aw, pretty lil' loser. you're so photogenic!" and you know when he gets home, he's gonna jerk off to that.
he can barely take your martial arts seriously, because you're so fucking tiny and weak in comparison to him. enemy!gojo likes to remind you of that, when he has you on your knees with your nose dribbling blood.
"aw, sweetheart, you're so fucking weak it's kinda turning me on."
he's got a fistfull of your hair, forcing your head to tilt back so violently yet when you look up at him, you can't help but feel this raw sexual tension and primal need to kiss him and worship him.
"f—fuck you, gojo — y-you're a freak. you think you're god... but you're a monstrous freak."
he's looking at you. and you're not sure if that's a murderous look or a pure lustful look — is he gonna kill you or fuck you? in his mind, though, the idea of killing you long faded away; you're his favorite enemy. what would he do without you? fighting with you is just the best, he gets to joke and tease and flirt and pester you and see you enjoying it wholeheartedly.
"bunny, look how cute you are, bleeding for me."
when you try spit your blood at him to retaliate, he's considering pulling his zipper down and stuffing your stupid mouth full of his cock. now that would put him on a power trip like nothing else.
then imagine the day this needy, desperate man actually snaps. and you snap. and the both of you fuck like bunnies. panting and feral. he couldn't say no when you started begging on your bruised knees for him to just fuck you already, just split you open on his cock.
his thrusts are primal. he's mocking you, voice so venemously attractive.
"wh—what would your friends think now, huh? think they'd still trust you knowing how willingly you spread your fuckin' legs for me? you damn slut. 'seen the way you look at me, gets me hot every time. you don't have any fucking idea what you do to me, do you? ha—ahhh that's so good... that's so fucking good..." his voice is usually so composed even when fighting, but when he's balls deep fucking up your guts so passionately then his voice becomes strained.
and he loves hearing your cute dirty talk, but you've got such a small voice he thinks it's cutely pathetic.
"f-fuck, g-g—gooojo ~ ! fuck me like you hate me."
he chuckles, "oh, baby. i don't have to fake it. i hate you so — fucking — much — ahhh — damn bitch, making my life so hard the least y-you could do is let me have this pussy once a week."
"a-anything for you."
his heart flutters. why? you're his enemy he reminds himself and makes his thrusts meaner and harder until you can't form a coherent thought. he relishes in your screaming moans, and there's no end to the teasing. as soon as he notices something he comments on it.
"ooh, look at that little pussy cream for me. who's it creaming for? who? that's fucking right, me. yeah stay like that and take my cock."
"o—h my god, nnn ~ !" you squeal, feeling almost too good with your threatening orgasm.
"ah-ah, there's no god but me, baby. i'm the one making this pussy freak out. ooh... think you're right, i do have a god complex. why don't you indulge in it? yeah? c'mon, baby i'm your god."
"y—you're m-my g–god, satoruuuh ~ ! ow!"
he plants a hard slap to your face. you're no stranger to his mean slaps, in fact you've joked to yourself about being his favorite bitch to slap. but that one in particular hurt, and you loved it.
"don't say my fucking name like we're friends, you freak. f—fuck... you like that, don't you? yeah? little freaky bitch likes getting slapped? mmm that's cute. kinky litttle fucking whore, let's see how hard this pathetic pussy can cum."
he pumps his cock into you at such a mean angle that you completely lose yourself, babbling obscenities and trembling in his strong hold. you couldn't free yourself from his grip even if you wanted to; he's the strongest, after all.
you get a good idea of how strong he is when you fight and sneak off to fuck.
the way he presses down on your back, the way he bullies his cockhead so deep that it feels like he's in your tummy, the way he pulls both your arms back with a rough tug like you're a ragdoll — just his fleshlight that he can move on his cock himself however he likes because he's so much bigger than you.
"gonna cum, my little slut gonna take it? yeah? good. that's what i like to fucking hear — oh fuck — ahhhah cumming — hah fuck that's good — that's — mmm — that's my fuckin' girl."
he plants rough spanks to your ass, groaning so deeply and holding you so close against his body that you feel like you're one with him.
"ooh, fuck..." he pulls out hastily, zipping himself up. forehead and abs beading with sweat. "thanks, love playtime with you. now get the fuck out of my sight." he sounds so sweet and venomous that you can't tell if he's joking, but then you remember a cold hard fact;
gojo satoru is your enemy.
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୨ PODCAST ୧
summary: matt leaves the podcast because of his brother's jokes, and y/n comforts him.
warnings: cussing, sad, fluff
notes: this fanfic was a request! also english is not my first language so im sorry about any mistake
୨୧
The day with the Triplets has been a little stressful, specially for Matt. Each time he spoke, his brothers would joke saying that he was being way too ‘depressed’ and ‘miserable’. Or Nick would always answer with ‘Yeah, yeah nobody wants to hear about that shit’.
Now, after they invited me to their podcast, here I am, sitting next to my boyfriend, holding his hand gently.
As Chris and Nick keep talking over their brother, calling him ‘Miserable Matt’ I could see him getting more annoyed, his eyes watering, and it feels like I'm the only one seeing his discomfort.
I don’t really know what to do, cause obviously his brothers are just joking, and I'm not sure how to intervene without making things awkward.
They keep teasing him over and over.
“I'm not going to sit here for like another 55 minutes or some shit.” Matt’s voice getting slowly lower.
“What? What was that? That mumble? I can’t understand you.” The older triplet mocks him, but he tries to ignore it. “Ok go ahead-“
“Now you are ‘mumble Matt’ too” Chris laughs after Nick’s comment. “It's like I can't even understand what you are saying, sounds like rocks rolling down a hill, your voice”
I try to end the conversation "Can we just-" Before I can finish, Chris and Nick burst into laughter "Can we start the podcast?" I try again, but Matt lets out a heavy sigh.
Nick continues “it literally sounds like an avalanch coming out of your mouth” Matt gets up aggressively, starting to leave the room “I’m not doing this shit anymore.”
“Oh come on Matt!” Chris says chucking. They laugh some more as I just think of what to do. I get up from my seat, hurrying after him “Hey.. Matt..” I begin, attempting to catch his attention. However, before I could reach him, he gets in his room, and slams the door in my face, leaving me standing outside. I'm sure this is not just about the stupid jokes they were making.
I hesitate for a moment before making any move, thinking if I should open the door, i’m sorry, but I can't just ignore the urge to check on him.
With a deep breath, I reach out and calmly push the door open. Inside, I find Matt lying on his bed, his face buried in his pillow, shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
“Can we talk love?” I say quietly closing the door behind me.
He lifts his head, his eyes red and puffy, his expression a mixture of sadness and anger. "What do you want?" His voice defensive.
Ignoring his tone, I move closer and sit on the bed.
With a gentle touch, I reach out and place my hand on his back, offering a silent gesture of comfort. For a moment, we sit in silence, until I interrupt it.
“Can you tell me what has been going on lately?” I ask softly, my voice filled with concern.
“Nothings going on” He sniffs, still with his face in the pillow “I’m fine” His voice barely above a whisper.
I shake my head, not trusting his words. "You don't seem fine to me" He stays silent, I take a deep breath.
I adjust my position, leaning against the headboard of the bed. I decide to take a different approach instead of talking “Come here..” I pat the spot next to me, in sign for him to come closer “Let's just cuddle for a bit."
He completely stops acting rude in the moment I suggest it, Matt scoots closer, laying his head on my chest, his arms around my waist. I stroke his smooth brown hair. I kiss the top of his head. We stay like this for some good ten minutes.
He presses his face into the crook of my neck and whispers with a shaky voice “I’m just so fucked up..”
Gently, I cupped his cheeks, lifting his head from my neck, making him look into my eyes “Matt.. Why do you say that?”
"I just.. I don't know" He admits. "I'm just so fucking exhausted of feeling like this all the time..”
I sigh, I hate seeing him in this state. “Since when do you feel like that?” I wait patiently for Matt's response, he looks away.
“I don’t know.. For some long time now.. I guess I've been trying to push it away, but it just keeps coming back, over and over.” As he spoke, I could see the pain in his eyes.
"I'm sorry I couldn't see it sooner babe.." I whisper, reaching out to gently brush away his tears. "I should have known something was wrong." I kiss his forehead.
He shakes his head "It's not your fault" He murmurs "I don’t want you to worry"
I wrap my arms around him, holding him close. "But I do worry, Matt" I confess softly. "I care about you more than anything."
He buries his face deeper into my chest. "I love you so much.." He whispers, his voice muffled by the fabric of my shirt.
"I love you too.." I whisper back in his ear, squeezing him tightly.
୨୧
sorry this is so short 😭😭
tags: @muwapsturniolo
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findmeinforks · 7 months
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The Incident - Paul Lahote x Fem!Reader
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A little one shot that I just couldn't stop writing. A good angst to fluff (btw my fics will never be all angst, im too soft). Also do not fear, Im working on a Sam fic and part 3 to not letting you go. But you let ME know what you think of this one ❤️ 2K words
"My SISTER, Paul. She's my fucking SISTER!" you yelled, voice hoarse as your throat cracked.
"I could give a SHIT LESS WHAT SHE IS. YOU'RE. NOT. GOING." He screamed, jaw taut as he tried his best to subside the tremors that were threatening to take over his body.
You ignored the teeth he bared, shaking your head and scoffing.
"Aren't you tired of this?! I'm going over there. I HAVE to know she's safe."
"YOU SERIOUSLY THINK I'LL JUST SIT BY AND WATCH MY IMPRINT GO TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN'T PROTECT HER? WHAT ABOUT ME KNOWING THAT YOU'RE SAFE?? HUH?? YOU'RE SICK IF YOU THINK I WOULD BE OKAY WITH THIS!"
"Sick?!? SICK?!? LETS TALK ABOUT HOW 'SICK' IT IS THAT YOU WOULD WANT TO KILL HER AND THE BABY. THATS MY FAMILY PAUL!"
"AND WERE NOT?"
It had been like this for a week straight. Ever since the pack stormed through the door announcing their mission to kill Bella and the unborn child within her.
You felt as though your two families had been pinned against each other. Head spinning at the idea of there being a 'choice' between your sister and imprint.
On one hand you were desperate to make sure she was alright, but also exhausted at the never ending battle with your boyfriend.
Sure you had talked to Bella over the phone, but you didn't buy into the lies like your father had. Even though you knew significantly more than he did, she still attempted to downplay the situation. She had done this numerous times since getting thrown into the vampire world, but she could only keep you in the dark for so long before you unraveled the truth.
You had to see her. Even if it was the last time. By fate, or at the hands of the pack. You had to be there for her, as she would you.
Leaving your imprint though? Was at task challenging at best. On at least four different occasions you fought with Paul for so long that Emily and Sam had to intervene, prying you two apart at the pleads of other pack members.
Emily would console you while you ranted and Sam would make Paul run off his anger in the woods. When you faced him again, it turned into a rerun of the same argument. Nobody in the house had gotten sleep, and the things were progressively getting worse.
Quil came through the door, widening his eyes.
"Just a heads up everyone, a little comedic relief does not go over well. I saw my life flash before Paul's eyes." He huffed before sitting down.
"When is this going to be overrrr?" Embry whined. He shoved his head in his hands on the kitchen table while you and Paul went at it in the front yard.
Emily sighed.
"Unfortunately sooner than you think....Y/N packed her suitcase this morning." She said quietly.
"You're not really going to let her go over there are you?!?" Kim stood up, looking at both Emily and Sam.
"If you would like to stop her, please, be my guest." Sam motioned his hand to outside, where you and Paul could be seen through the window. You were throwing your arms up and pointing fingers at him, while his voice boomed loudly, towering his large frame over yours.
Kim winced.
You had always been the calm to Paul's raging storm. 'Made him all soft' as the guys would tease. None of them had actually seen you two disagree with each other. In the mind link they saw glimpses of minor arguments, most of the time being reconciled in the sheets..
Paul eventually got an order by Sam to think about something else while on patrol. 'Literally, anything else'.
"She's not going anywhere. I can count on my hand how many times they've been apart since he imprinted. They'll work it out eventually." Jared said as he pulled Kim on his lap, taking a hunk out of his apple.
Kim didn't share a look that she believed him, worriedly looking out to where you stood.
A few moments passed when her body stiffened and she gasped, making Jared look where she was.
"SHIT! SHIT!" He said, throwing Kim off his lap.
Sam turned to look out the window in time to see Paul phase, his sharp claw making contact with your skin. Your blood curdling scream instantly had everyone else off their seats, nearly knocking each other over to race outside.
You laid on the ground as your body wracked with sobs, clutching your side. Blood gushed through your hand as you started to panic, scrambling to stand. The large silver wolf only stood for a few moments before Paul shifted back, completely horrified as he frantically tried to reach you.
He felt his heart nearly rip out of his chest as you backpedaled into Emily, who was helping to hold you upright.
"NO! NO! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! IM DONE!" You cried.
Sam stood in the middle of the two of you.
Paul could feel his chest caving in, hand out, speaking more gently than he had at all in the past week.
"B-baby. Please. Please, I'm- I'm so sorry baby. Please let me just see-"
"NO! I'm done. I'm done. I'm leaving. I'm done." You repeated like a mantra, limping to the car.
"Y/N you cannot drive like this..." Emily attempted to say as she stepped in from behind you. She could see your anxiety was heightened, and afraid to set you off further.
"I have to go," you choked, on the verge of tears as you tried to open the drivers side. You had yet to even notice the gash in your side, adrenaline pumping wildly through your body.
Paul made his way around Sam, grabbing your other arm that was holding the door.
"You are crazy if you think I'm letting you leave like this. Please come-"
You yanked your arm from his grasp.
"Don't. Let me go!" You said coldly.
Paul froze. He couldn't move. You never spoke to him like this. Even in the numerous fights you two had this week.
Every single instinct in his body needed to help you. He knew you were downplaying your injuries. He knew he just royally fucked everything up. But the absolute last thing you could do was walk into a house full of vampires dripping in blood. Fucking doctor or not.
"Come inside and let me take a look at you, okay? Please." Emily said to coax you, frantically looking at your wound.
This made Sam follow her gaze, looking down to see the blood pouring from your side hadn't stopped, and you were growing paler by the minute.
"Y/N....you're going to stay here and I'll call Sue." He said in an authoritative voice, leaving no room to argue as he turned to start dialing the number.
You almost argued. You almost fought both of them on the subject. Your stubbornness almost won.
But you felt an immense pain. So strong you don't know how the hell you didn't notice it when you stood up.
That couldn't be good.
"....Y/N?" Paul said, barely above a whisper. Tears were now silently streaming down his face as he held both hands out slightly. Not close enough to touch you but to be prepared in case you fell.
You could feel yourself start to float in and out of consciousness. You tried to ground yourself by focusing on something. You looked at his hands that were outstretched.
Those hands that you held on your first date. The hands that hover your back anywhere you go. The hands that lift you up from the couch on movie nights to bring you to bed. The hands that move in just the right way when making love to you. The hands that were now shaking, not out of anger, but fear. You loved those hands.
"Y/N? Baby?" Paul said louder, more urgently as he could see you fading.
You watched him get blurry as the world started to spin.
"Paul," you murmured, before fading into darkness. The last thing you remember were the hands that caught you before you hit the ground.
"Y/N!!!" Paul screamed as he caught your body falling into him.
Sam ran back, telling him Sue was just up the street. He instructed Paul to carry you inside and onto the bed. The pack dispersed, each trying to find something to help you such as towels, an emergency kit and pillows.
Paul held you close as he lay you down, while repeatedly whispering in your ear.
"I'm so sorry baby. I'm so-so sorry. I cant lose you. Youre everything to me. I'll never yell at you again. I swear on my life. You can do whatever you want. I'll do whatever you want. Please, I love you." Paul pressed kisses to your hairline when Sue and her nurse friend entered.
Jared reluctantly came in behind them to lead Paul out of the room as they worked.
"Come on man, she'll wake up soon I promise."
After he was guided out, Paul slid down to sit on the other side of the door, refusing to move. Jared didn't push it, leaning down to sit next to him.
"Sue's seen this kind of stuff before. Just needs stitching up and stuff," Jared reassured as he put his hand on Paul's shoulder.
"It's not the injuries I'm worried about. So much as what she'll think of me when she wakes up. I....I fucked this one up, Jare."
"If Emily can forgive Sam, I think Y/N will forgive you. She's crazy about your ass."
Paul just nodded, praying he was right.
~
Your eyes fluttered open slowly as you woke. You looked around to see that you had been bandaged up along your left side, an IV attached to your arm sat close by. You attempted to sit up, whining when the pain wouldn't allow it. Within a few minutes Emily entered, her face showing relief.
"You're up! How are you feeling?" She checked the IV before sitting on the edge of the bed, careful of your body.
"Sore...where's, where's Paul?" Your heart ached as you started to replay what happened. There was no doubt in your mind what happened was an accident. You had seen the signs he always warned you about, and chose to ignore them in the heat of the argument. Not only that, but the look on his face when you had refused him was too much to bare.
Emily smiled, not expecting you to want to see him so soon.
"He's just outside the door. Hasn't moved. He didn't know if you'd want to see him..."
"I need to talk to him."
It hadn't even been a few seconds when Paul stood at the door. He looked more out of shape than you did. The disheveled hair and dark circles under his eyes told you he hadn't slept in days.
"I'll give you two some space. Just holler if you need anything," Emily spoke as she stood up, making her way around him and down the stairs.
Paul remained where he stood,
"If you don't want to be with me I understand. I have no words for my actions other than I am so...." he cleared his throat, trying not to cry. "So incredibly sorry I put you through this. I put you in danger when I was trying to keep you out of it. You don't have to stay I-"
"Paul please just kiss me." You interrupted, not wanting to hear the rest as you already made up your mind in forgiving him.
He stood for just a moment longer, trying to comprehend if he heard you correctly. It was when you weakly opened your arms for him that he wasted no time in rushing over to you, cupping your face and gently yet passionately kissed you with everything he had. Tears flowed his cheeks at the relief that you still wanted him. Even after everything he had put you through.
You two pulled back for air after a moment, and you ran your hand through his hair.
"I forgive you, okay? I can't imagine my life without you."
He let out a breath, smiling for the first time in weeks.
"It will never happen again. I swear on my fucking life baby." He caressed your hair, neck, landing his palm on your heart.
You two sat like that for awhile. Almost scared to leave each other's presence. You two talked for hours on the bed. Paul had confessed that the night before, while you were sleeping, the pack had fought with the Cullens. You learned that Paul refused to go, not wanting to leave your side. You were grateful to hear that Sam didn't push on him being there, knowing you were all that mattered to him, and he'd refuse him if he had too. Even if it went against his every instinct as a wolf. Turns out that Jacob had imprinted on your niece, and Bella had survived, now as a vampire.
You weren't particularly thrilled your sister was now a bloodsucker, but as long as she was alive, you were happy.
Paul eventually made his way to the other side of the bed, kissing every exposed inch of you, whispering all the things he loved about you in your ear until you fell asleep.
When your heartbeat slowed down and he was sure you were out, he reached down and felt the velvet box in his pocket. No doubt in his mind about the future you both held.
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shunsuiken · 12 days
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cw. luci carries gn!reader and reader is just flustered by how easy it is for him + i don’t mention reader’s weight he just carries you + also can u tell im having luci brainrot 🧍🏻‍♀️
lucifer calls you to his quarters one day, using that sing-songy tone that makes you giggle. but after a few moments of waiting, the blond frowns and wonders why its taking you so long to respond and go over to where he is. so he gets up from his chair and practically waddles to where you are and finds you lying on a couch, staring at the ceiling.
“is there something on the ceiling that i should know about too, or something?” lucifer tilts his head, scratching his chin as his glaze flickers between the ceiling and your lying figure.
“i’m just—” you breathe, chest rising, “—so exhausted. i had a 12-hour shift and i don’t think i can move a single limb at this point.”
“you know i can just zip-zap your boss to make them disappear, right?” he kneels beside you, folding his arms over his knees. his frown returns upon further inspection of your face, the radiance from your skin tone has been drained completely from you.
a smile rushes to your face as you chuckle softly, using every ounce of your energy to roll onto your side and boop the tip of his nose. “yes i’m quite aware my partner is the ruler of this realm but i do want to stick to having a job instead of lounging around, y’know?”
lucifer’s innocent smile grows onto his lips as you boop his nose, his eyes momentarily following your finger’s movement, making him look so adorable. he hums, brows raising in excitement from your actions, “i think you’re so hot for that.”
before you can respond, he lifts a finger and puts it against your lips. “but also, i need some feedback on a new rubber duck i put together—uhm, do you think-”
“absolutely—yes, obviously, i can do that—i would never say no. however-” you give him a sheepish look. “i don’t think i can manage to walk over there right now.”
lucifer blinks at you owlishly. a moment of silence passes by. then he throws his arms in the air, realisation hitting him. “hold on, i can just carry you!”
“what.” your eyes widen, shaking your head. “okay, no, you don’t have to do that. i can wa-”
“don’t be silly, honey.” you can barely get another word out when he slides his arms under you, lifting you with such ease that it stuns you into silence. your lips are clammed together, thoughts buffering as you attempt to process the situation. although your arms seem to have easily found purchase around his neck…
lucifer let out not a single grunt, huff nor even a sigh; his expression remains unchanged, that fond smile adorning his pretty lips. it sends boiling heat straight to your face. he may be a small guy but he is the king of hell… strength checks out.
“honey?” he calls out to you from your lack of response.
crimson eyes observe your expression. lucifer doesn’t mean to brag but he thinks he has an inkling of why you’re behaving such a way. the corner of his lips quirk up with such smugness, you’re already bracing yourself for the cocky behaviour he’s going to begin displaying.
“what? cat got your tongue?” he cocks his brow at you when you immediately avert your gaze elsewhere.
“n-no. just caught me off guard, that’s all.” your entire neck is flushed. being able to feel his breath blowing against your skin there is making this position feel way more intimate than it should be. “now let me see the duck you wanted feedback on.”
lucifer giggles at your tone, so obviously trying to change the topic of conversation. sure he wants feedback on that rubber duck but gosh, oh golly! just look again the way you’re behaving… you’re even kicking your feet! so adorable, so fucking cute, he thinks.
he promptly makes a beeline for his room, taking advantage of the position you’re in to graze his lips over your ear lobe, cooing, “darling, i could get used to this kind of look on your face.”
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