#im seriously deliberating taking a break from this blog.

[naumin]

2022 in review

in an effort to blog about art on my art blog more i will be writing a post covering my work in 2022 and maybe some aspirations going forward into 2023

2022 was the year of learning to paint! at the beginning i was really frustrated, a lot of my pieces were very hit or miss and i couldnt tell why some sucked and some fuckd. i nibbled at some online courses for fundamentals, James Gurney’s Color & Light book and Marco Bucci’s painting videos, and was looking for a mentor at one point but i think i stopped cuz i broke my thumb briefly lol

a piece from december 2021 that is just a bit random and i think representative of my stabbing in the dark

studying...

in June i split a schoolism sub with emma and it was an amazing decision. i think if you have limited time to practice drawing or dont know where to go the best thing is to take a course, and ive taken cheap or free courses online but the tutors on schoolism are top of the industry and the quality of their teaching is stellar imo. literally felt my brain explode with knowledge they are the best of the best. i finished the painting workout course with wouter tulp and ive dipped in and out of numerous others since then. its cool bcus u can study at your own pace.

July was artfight, i did talk about it here so not gonna repeat myself heh

then i was really busy with my MA, its been so fun and so exhausting. a year is so short and i want to try all the printing techniques and ceramics and everything cry. but hey now i know indesign and can make my own zines and stuff which is amazing. i also tabled at my first market :) i did really like it and would love to do more, dont want to put pressure on myself to do that this year but at least wanna visit them and scope out the audiences and stuff.

school really is making me appreciate traditional art again, tbh it is nothing like digital. you just cant get that chaos or physical resistance from your materials in digital, everything is very deliberate and constructed and almost predictable. ive started to incorporate more traditional work into my pieces where i can, especially photobashing. i can use photos i offhandedly took years ago and it feels really nice to get to repurpose them.

a spread from my school project, a book about one of my passions (i chose the story of how i got into elden ring!!!) i made it from paper cutting, photobashing, and digital. (im going to sell pdf and physical copies in the new year)

so circling back to the start of the year, i think you can see marked progress in my illustrations that ive posted here. i think i learned a lot about techniques within a painting but i want to learn more about pictorial composition bcus my default tends to be 3:4, portrait, charas centre, and i want to break that habit and tell more effective stories :)

over the past 2 years ive been incorporating more realism into the characters i draw and trying to be really deliberate with what features, proportions etc they have.

a 2021 isa and a 2022 isa

i think i want to maintain this level of detail because its descriptive enough for my needs but i want to push it to be more dynamic and stylised. i really admire the way disney animators like jin kim do it. its because im not confident enough with structure and anatomy to really play with it.

on the other hand with life drawing i really want to do more realism and capture exactly whats in front of me because i think i rely on style as a crutch too much hahaha.

from december. proud of these!!!

thats whats on my mind really. again really dont want to put any undue pressure on myself and i am going to be really busy until october at least. i am seriously proud of my progress in 2022. and im really looking forward to playing bloodborne x

#diary

[bluefirecas]

.

#hmmm gonna rant about how i wish i can delete my blog and just vanish from here #because i have zero motivation to make more edits as clearly nobody really needs that #look at the fandom trends!! #especially with my last edit that I spent like 2 days on just trying to figure out the best way #but it doesn't matter because it's not a meme right?? #im seriously deliberating taking a break from this blog. #its been so weird here and I'm struggling to find any joy lately #and anyway if i don't make and post edits here what the fuck am I even doing here #sometimes i wish I could delete my blog but I don't want to lose my side blog. #and there's no other way around it (: #I've enjoyed my time here but I'm not anymore and I honestly don't know if I even belong here #rant over #i hope none of yall read that #but if you did and you think I'm whining you're free to unfollow me #original content is dead anyway and so am i

[queenlua]

hey, i started following you recently and ur bio says ur a hacker? any tips on where to start? hacking seems like a v cool/fun way to learn more abt coding and cybersecurity/infrastructure and i'd like to explore it but there's so much on the internet and like, i'm not trying to get into anything illegal. thanks!

huh, an interesting question, ty!

i can give more tailored advice if you hit me up on chat with more specifics on your background/interests.

given what you've written here, though, i'll just assume you don't have any immediate professional aspirations (e.g. you just want to learn some things, and you aren't necessarily trying to get A Cyber Security Job TM within the next three months or w/e), and that you don't know much about any specific programming/computering domain yet.

(stuff under cut because long)

first i'd probably just try to pick some interesting problem that you think you can solve with tech. this doesn't need to be a "hacking" project at first; i was just messing around with computers for ages before i did anything involving security/exploitation.

if you don't already know how to program, you should ideally pick a problem you can solve via programming. for instance: i learned a lot back in the 2000s, when play-by-post forum RPGs were in vogue.  see, i'd already been messing around, building my own personal sites, first just with HTML & CSS, and later on with Javascript and PHP.   and i knew the forum software everyone used (InvisionPowerBoard) was written in PHP.  so when one of the admins at my RPG complained that they'd like the ability to set multiple profile pictures, i was like, "hey i'm good at programming, want me to create a mod to do that," and then i just... did. so then they asked me to program more features, and i got all the sexy nerd cred for being Forum Mod Queen, and it was a good time, i learned a lot.

(i also got to be the person who was frantically IMed at 2am because wtf the forum is down and there's an inscrutable error, what do??? basically sysadmining! also, much less sexy! still, i learned a lot!)

the key thing is that it's gotta be a problem that's interesting to you: as much as i love making dorky sites in PHP, half the fun was seeing other people using my stuff, and i think the era of forum-based RPGs has passed. but maybe you can apply some programming talents to something that you are interested in—maybe you want to make a silly Chrome extension to make people laugh, a la Cloud to Butt, or maybe you'd like to make a program that converts pixel art into cross-stitching patterns, maybe you want to just make a cool adventure game on those annoying graphing calculators they make you use in class, or make a script for some online game you play, or make something silly with Arduino (i once made a trash can that rolled toward me when i clapped my hands; it was fun, and way easier than you'd think!), whatever.

i know a lot of hacker-types who got their start doing ROM hacking for video games—replacing the character art or animations or whatever in old NES games. that's probably more relevant than the PHP websites, at least, and is probably a solid place to get started; in my experience those communities tend to be reasonably friendly to questions. pick a small thing you want to do & ask how to do it.

also, a somewhat unconventional path, but—once i knew how to program a bit of Python, i started doing goofy junk, like, "hey can i implemented NamedTuple from scratch,” which tends to lead to Python metaprogramming, which leads to surprising shit like "oh, stack frames are literally just Python objects and you can manually edit them in the interpreter to do deliberately horrendous/silly things, my god this language allows too much reflection and i'm having too much fun"... since Python is a lot of folks' first language these days, i thought i'd point that out, since i think this is a pretty accessible start to thinking about How Programs Actually Work under the hood. allison kaptur has some specific recommendations on how to poke around, if you wanna go that route.

it's reasonably likely you'll end up doing something "hackery" in the natural course of just working on stuff. for instance, while i was working on the IPB forum software mods, i became distressed to learn that everyone was using an INSECURE version of the software! no one was patching their shit!! i yelled at the admins about it, and they were like "well we haven't been hacked yet so it's not a problem," so i uh, decided to demonstrate a proof of concept? i downloaded some sketchy perl script, kicked it until it worked, logged in as the admins, and shitposted a bit before i logged out, y'know, to prove my point.

(they responded by banning me for two weeks, and did not patch their software. which, y'know, rip to them; they got hacked by an unrelated Turkish group two months later, and those dudes just straight-up deleted the whole website. i was a merciful god by comparison!)

anyway, even though downloading a perl script and just pointing it at a website isn't really "hacking" (it's the literal definition of script kiddie, heh)—the point is i was just experimenting a lot and trying a lot of stuff, which meant i was getting comfortable with thinking of software as not just some immutable relic, but something you can touch and prod in unexpected ways.

this dovetails into the next thing, which is like, just learn a lot of stuff. a boring conventional computer science degree will teach you a lot (provided you take it seriously and actually try to learn shit); alternatively, just taking the same classes as a boring conventional computer science degree, via edX or whatever free online thingy, will also teach you a lot. ("contributing to open source" also teaches you a lot but... hngh... is a whole can of worms; send a follow-up ask if you want that rant.)

here's where i should note that "hacking" is an impossibly broad category: the kind of person who knows how to fuck with website authentication tokens is very different than someone who writes a fuzzer, who is often quite different than someone who looks at the bug a fuzzer produces and actually writes a program that can exploit that bug... so what you focus on depends on what you're interested in. i imagine classes with names like "compilers," "operating systems," and "networking" will teach you a lot. but, like, idk, all knowledge is god-breathed and good for teaching. hell, i hear some universities these days have actual computer security classes? that's probably a good thing to look at, just to get a sense of what's out there, if you already know how to program.

also be comfortable with not knowing everything, but also, learn as you go. the bulk of my security knowledge came when i got kinda airdropped into a work team that basically hired me entirely on "potential" (lmao), and uh, prior to joining i only had the faintest idea what a hypervisor was? or the whole protection ring concept? or ioctls or sandboxing or threat models or, fuck, anything? i mostly just pestered people with like 800 questions and slowly built up a knowledge base, and remember being surprised & delighted when i went to a security conference a year later and could follow most of the talks, and when i wound up at a bar with a guy on the xbox security team and we compared our security models a bunch, and so on.  there wasn't a magic moment when i "got it", i was just like, "okay huh this dude says he found a ring-0 exploit... what does that mean... okay i think i got that... why is that a big deal though... better ask somebody.." (also: reading an occasional dead tree book is a good idea. i owe my firstborn to Robert Love's Linux Kernel Development, as outdated as it is, and also O'Reilly's kookaburra book gave me a great overview of web programming back in the day, etc.  you can learn a lot by just clicking around random blogs, but you’ll often end up with a lot of random little facts and no good mental scaffolding for holding it together; often, a decent book will give you that scaffolding.)

(also, it's pretty useful if you can find a knowledgable someone to pepper with random questions as you go. finding someone who will actively mentor you is tricky, but most working computery folks are happy to tell you things like "what you're doing is actually impossible, here's why," or "here's a tutorial someone told me was good for learning how to write a linux kernel module," or "here's my vague understanding of this concept you know nothing about," or "here's how you automate something to click on a link on a webpage," which tends to be handier than just google on its own.)

if you're reading this and you're like "ok cool but where's the part where i'm handed a computer and i gotta break in while going all hacker typer”—that's not the bulk of the work, alas! like, for sure, we do have fun pranking each other by trying dumb ways of stealing each other's passwords or whatever (once i stuck a keylogger in a dude's keyboard, fun times). but a lot of my security jobs have involved stuff like, "stare at this disassembly a long fuckin' time to figure out how the program pointer got all fucked up," or, "write a fuzzer that feeds a lot of randomized input to some C++ program, watch the program crash because C++ is a horrible language for writing software, go fix all the bugs," or "think Really Hard TM about all the settings and doohickeys this OS/GPU/whatever has, think about all the awful things someone could do with it, threat model and sandbox accordingly." occasionally i have done cool proof-of-concept hacks but honestly writing exploits can kinda be tedious, lol, so like, i'm only doing that if it's the only way i can get people to believe that Yes This Is Actually A Problem, Fix Your Code

"lua that's cool and all but i wanted, like, actual links and recommendations and stuff" okay, fair. here's some ideas:

microcorruption: very fun embedded security CTF; teaches you everything you need to know as you're doing it.

cryptopals crypto challenges: very fun little programming exercises that teach you a lot of fundamental cryptography concepts as you're going along! you can do these even as a bit of a n00b; i did them in Python for the lulz

the binary bomb lab is hilariously copied by, like, so many CS programs, lol, but for good reason. it's accessible and fun and is the first time most people get to feel like a real hacker! (requires you know a bit of C beforehand)

ctftime is a good way to see when new CTFs ("capture the flag"s; security-focused competitions) are coming up. or, sometimes CTFs post their source code, so you can continue trying them after the CTF is over. i liked Stripe's CTFs when they were going, because they focused on "web stuff", and "web stuff" was all i really knew at the time. if you're more interested in staring at disassembly, there's CTFs focused on that sort of thing too.

azeria has good ARM assembly & exploitation tutorials

also, like, lots of good talks out there; just watching defcon/cansecwest/etc talks until something piques your interest is very fun. i'd die on a battlefield for any of Christopher Domas's talks, but he assumes a lot of specific x86/OS knowledge, lol, so maybe don’t start with that. oh, Julia Evans's blog is honestly probably pretty good for just learning a lot of stuff and really beginner-friendly?

oh and wrt legality... idk, i haven't addressed it here since it hasn't come up in my own work much, tbh. if you're just getting started you're kind of unlikely to Break The Law without, y'know, realizing maybe you're doing something a bit gray-area? and you can cross that bridge when you come to it? Real Hacking TM is way more of a pain-in-the-ass than doing CTFs and such, and you'll learn way more with the latter, so who cares lol just do the fun thing

[dimples-of-discontent]

Bex, Im just so fucking sad. I liked NOTHING about that ending and idk what to do with myself now.

I hear you, friend, and the main reaction I had to reading about this hot garbage fire of a finale (b/c I didn’t have an easy way to watch it...and now I plan to wait until my emotional investment is lower) was concern and love for all the people who are going to be so let down by this. It’s not me, because at the moment I have more emotional distance from SPN than in the past. But I’ve been there. The show and this ship was there for me when I needed it the most and I cannot imagine what today’s episode would have done to me back in 2017/8 when this community is what kept me feeling ok with my life and connected to other humans. I hope anyone in that position will take a minute to remember the things that are good about the fandom, and about the show in the past, and remember that endings aren’t everything. I know it sounds so trite, but it really IS about the friends we made along the way.

So, I’m ok and ready to crack jokes as a coping mechanism. But that’s because I’m very used to getting bad news. And if you’re not, this ending would really knock you back. Like, it seemed almost aggressively insensitive to what the show and especially the DeanCas relationship mean to people in the fandom. I was prepared, mentally, for it to be open-ended. For example, way back when I even spec-ed that Dean would die and and Cas would meet him in Heaven, smiling and saying one final “hello, Dean.” Or even that they’d just amble off to ambiguously spend Dean’s life together on earth. To not offer that--and to so explicitly not offering it after going where 15x18 went--shows either how out-of-touch they are or how deliberately cruel they are. I’m hoping to go with the first option.

Let me back up a sec. When I tell you I’m very used to getting bad news, believe it. In January 2019 I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. That’s the latest stage and my best case scenario is constantly living in treatment (no “getting through it”)  that keeps cancer from killing me. That sounds dramatic and it is. My life expectancy (at 34) went to an average of 1.5-3 years. I have a tag for it and a sideblog about it if you want to follow, but that’s not the point. The point is that I’ve been through the wringer with this (currently in treatment 4 in 20 months, none so far have worked for long) and the way I prepared myself  for tonight’s finale was exactly like when I wait for the scan results that tell me if the cancer is better or worse. Like, even now that’s how fucking serious it felt to me. And yes, I can and do put it in perspective by thinking “hey! it’s a tv show! and I get all the good fandom things no matter what!” but don’t for a second feel bad for taking it seriously, ok?

So to answer a little the question of what  to do with yourself: feel sad. Or feel angry or feel like getting high (and go for it!) or play the cowboy scene in 13x06 on repeat...whatever lets you feel your feelings. Don’t tell yourself your feelings are “wrong” or let other assholes on here make you feel bad for having them. (And seriously? People on here? Just be fucking kind, ok?) Also don’t set a limit on how long you can feel sad. It takes as long as it takes. None of us have a lot to make us feel better right now, with this terrible year and heading into lockdown again, and this show used to. Now it’s been taken from you. It’s a loss, and you should grieve that loss.

Also, figure out what is making you feel worse and stop doing it. If that’s Tumblr, take a break for a while! If it’s particular blogs, mute them or unfollow but make a note to follow later. If it’s all of SPN, symbolically remove it from your life or (and I do this a lot!) find a new temporary hyperfixation. (Have you watched “Buffy” yet? Watch “Buffy.”) You don’t owe attention to negative things in your life. It makes them stronger. Ignore trolls and use the block button at will.

I’m not leaving and I hope other people will consider not leaving too. The show gave us a LOT, even if very little of it was in these last episodes. 

And, in the meantime, dear Nonnie, may I recommend diving into my archive through tags and getting heavily, heavily into Cockles because honestly they will never let you down and they are all sweetness and light. There’s a reason that I have a tag for “cockles is a happy destiel au.”

Take care, Nonnie, and so should the rest of you. Feel your feelings, disengage if necessary, but know that I at least will be here when I can. Our community has way more life left in it.

Love,

Bex

#asks #guys my ask box is so full I am sorry #I did not open it for MONTHS #spn finale #15x20 #self-care #curate your own tumblr experience #negativity for ts #my life as a cancer patient #tumblr friends #tumblr life #cockles is a happy destiel au #cockles is fanfic

[tr4ggot]

how do you not take radfem rhetoric to heart? i can't stop going through GC blogs, & it's becoming psychological self-harm for me. i like my transition, but when i read their posts, i feel like i should be ashamed & then i feel disgusted w/ myself. it got so bad i tried to detransition, but i just couldn't. it hurt too much. i've been on hormones for a year & im just deeply embarrassed that i still do this. does confidence come with time? does shame leave in time?

i’ll try my best to give you some supplemental advice here, but my main point with this is that this needs to be discussed in depth with a psychologist, preferably one with experience treating trans patients. i know that that’s difficult in some areas and healthcare is expensive (at least in the US), but there seems to be some deep rooted issues that you should really talk about with someone who knows how to give advice/coping mechanisms/discuss self worth.

that being said, the short answer is that you need to stop immersing yourself in that kind of rhetoric. stay with me because i know it’s not as simple as that, but constantly being exposed to discussions that are meant to be degrading and harmful is ultimately going to be detrimental. if that means finding another social media outlet or just cutting yourself off from that entirely by deleting the app whenever you feel tempted, whenever you feel the urge to look at it, i suggest taking a moment to just take stock of your body. think about your feet and how they feel. think about your legs and how they feel. think about your torso and how it’s feeling. work your way up to your head. take a moment to breathe in for 8 seconds and out for 10 and do this for a few minutes. distract yourself with things grounded in reality.

it’s relatively easy to trick your brain into sending out endorphins to try and ‘heal’ what’s hurting, even if what’s hurting is mental and not physical. by giving yourself a hook back into reality and breaking the pattern of self loathe>immersion into bad spaces>more self loathing, you can calm it down for a minute until you’re in a more reasonable state of mind.

the long answer is that your self worth and image is going to be an ever-changing relationship you’ll need to cultivate with yourself. you will always have to live with yourself, but that doesn’t have to be a life sentence. this is going to sound weird, believe me, because when i started going to therapy, i was really apprehensive about any sort of cbt techniques since they just felt like those ‘✨drink more water !✨’ posts. choosing to deliberately and actively see the positive side of situations will (over time) improve your confidence so much. talking out feelings with people instead of internalizing things and bottling it up. start thinking about (objectively) what is making these thoughts happen most frequently and avoiding that behavior. breaking the cycle of destructive patterns, being mindful and actively thinking about why or what made you feel compelled to seek the comfort of that destructive behavior, and redirecting that energy into a less destructive coping mechanism are the most important things i can recommend to you. choosing to see the good in life, choosing to acknowledge the bad, but analytically recognize that it’s not this all consuming monster your brain will tell you it is, and choosing to act on only the healthy compulsions is the key.

hormones and transitioning will absolutely help you if your main issue is being dysphoric about your appearance, but if there’s other issues here like i suspect there is, shame and confidence issues will still be waiting there for you until you address them.

there’s very little practical advice i can give you from my own experience, because i was fortunate that i could see a therapist weekly when i needed it, and when i saw that it hadn’t substantially helped in the way i needed, i was able to get a prescription for anti-depressant medication (which rocks comparatively, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise) and that was when i saw a huge difference in my moods. i really suggest you find someone to talk to, even if it’s not a therapist, just so that you aren’t suffering in silence.

you asked how i don’t take them to heart, and it’s because i’m very secure in who i am, and for the most part, always have been. i have a constant internal monologue so my brain is my best friend (who i hate sometimes, but that’s another thing). i keep myself company because i’ve worked for years to create a good relationship with myself. i know who i am, i know who i want to be, and i make my decisions based off of that image. if someone who doesn’t know me, doesn’t know my past or my struggles tries to tell me they know better? i block them and move on because i know who i am. i’ve worked too hard, been through too much, and only gotten to be where i am now because i made damn sure that i was doing what was best for myself. radfems and terfs are sad little cretins on the internet, insecure about themselves who buy into fearmongering bullshit. i don’t take the opinions of anyone like that seriously, especially ones i don’t know personally, because i have too much respect for the person i want to be to let myself get dragged down by their pathetic shit.

#im here for you if you need to vent #i might not respond immediately so keep that in mind #but ill listen to you talk #i do suggest you get someone in your life to talk to #which is super hard right now #but its really the best first step to healing #ask #asks #anon #anonymous

[vinegarcoffin]

hi folks. im coming back to this account. a lot of things happened. 

this february i ran away from my family’s home to live w/ Sunn (my bf). we were hoping his landlord would let me live there since im his partner and shed previous allowed couples to live there but unfortunately after a week where i was staying there she decided she didnt want me there bc she was very strict about zoning laws and didnt tell anyone abt this beforehand so i was effectively homeless.

i stayed with my friend Earth for abt half a month during which time the landlord was “””deliberating””” whether or not she’d actually let me live there. Sunn and i were sure she’d say yes (she’d indicated such herself) but she decided to spring it on us that, due to laws she never elaborated upon, it was literally illegal for me to live there even though i was his partner and shed allowed partners to stay there before. (i feel i should make it clear that he was living in a separate part of her house that she rented out to people so the laws probably had smth to do with how many people were allowed to live in one house. i still never found out what exactly those laws were and she never elaborated.)

i always had a roof over my head (many times staying illegally w/Sunn and being very sure that his landlord never saw me) but i changed places of residence i think three times during that span of time. it’s very hard to keep count. i was staying (illegally) with three other people (they were aware of my presence and let me stay with them, i just wasnt allowed to) when quarantine happened.

even though I wasnt living with Sunn at that time, i was still able to see him bc my housemates understood the situation and were okay with us breaking quarantine for that reason (we were all rly conscientious abt social distancing and hand-washing and cleaning and that kind of thing), and since i cant drive, i needed someone else to buy my groceries for me, so Sunn would take me on grocery trips with me. and since he had a v small fridge and i didnt have a lot of space for food at the place i was staying, we had to make grocery trips rather often. after going grocery shopping we’d spend some time at either my place or his (ostensibly to put away groceries, really bc we wanted to be around each other because we were both losing our goddamn minds and being around each other was the only thing that gave us any idea where our minds even were.) 

i made another unofficial move after that and then right when i was going to graduate, i moved into what was going to be my official long-term place of residence with another roommate. i didnt get to see Sunn very much during this time and i honestly hated it a lot. the roommate was kind of an unstable person and he didn’t take the pandemic very seriously, which rly scared me, but he was never violent or anything so we just stayed out of each others ways.

during that time i impulsively threw away my benzodiazepines bc i was scared i wouldn’t be able to get my therapist to write me another prescription (this was when healthcare was still closed). withdrawals were shit and i honestly wanted to return to this blog during that time but i’d forgotten the email associated with it (whoops) and couldn’t log in. (i’ve since remembered the email hence why im here.) i stopped self harming the same day too, more or less bc my boyfriend told me to stop. that was really hard bc it was one of my few sources of pleasure and i had barely anything else i enjoyed. Sunn introduced me to 100 gecs during this time and i listened to their album 1000 gecs pretty much every day, sometimes multiple times in a row. i didnt get to sleep til 5 AM most nights bc of withdrawals and insomnia resulting therefrom. 

in May i finally got to start HRT (i was supposed to in March but the doctors at the LGBT center i had gone to to make my appointment decided not to let me because covid). i’ve been on it for three months now. 

i relapsed after a month or so after realizing i was not a functional human when i was sober and i didnt like who i was when i was sober. fortunately by then i’d had a phone meeting with my psychiatrist and she was able to give me another script for klonopin. by that point Sunn had moved into the apartment with me (the agreement was that he’d do so after graduating - we were both graduating that year - the only reason he waited was bc he couldn’t handle moving and his school workload at the same time, which was understandable). he didn’t like that i was relapsing and i disliked it even more but we both understood why i did it and i havent tried to get clean since then and i probably never will.

we were more or less stable and more or less happy for like two months until our roommate - we’d all agreed we’d live there together for at least a year - decided to move in with his partner and left us with absolutely nothing in the way of help w/finding another roommate or anything and no apology at all. 

we tried finding a new roommate and got some promising leads until our roommate dropped on us that he had signed a thirty-day notice for the lease to end and unless we were able to give proof of income (which we hadn’t been required to before but were suddenly required to now ig), we’d have to leave. he told us this ten days after he’d done it. he’d done that w/o our knowledge or consent. we weren’t able to make that happen so we looked into other housing but couldn’t find anything before the day we had to be out.

fortunately Earth and their family were willing to let us stay with them again (they’d recently bought a trailer that they were going to keep in the backyard and rent out to anyone they knew who wanted or needed to stay there). the trailer was sort of a disaster; we had no running water (only bc the water wasn’t working, they didn’t keep us in those conditions on purpose) and the AC died during a historically bad heatwave. the place we had been looking into moving into with a REALLY cool roommate we found that said we would probably get to live there turned us down bc although Sunn had found a job by that point and both the prospective roommate and I both have SSI (we’re both disabled) we didn’t make QUITE enough money for them.

we finally found a place and we moved into it yesterday. we have a roommate whose name is Izzy. they’re very stable and i don’t think they’re going to do anything awful. i’m afraid of them but that’s just bc i’m afraid of just about everyone i don’t know too well. Sunn’s at work three days of the week (he works from home two of the weekdays and he gets weekends off) and i’m here to cope with the isolation and also reblog trauma stuff that i don’t feel comfortable reblogging on my main blog. i think that’s all i have to say.

#vinegar.txt #sorry it's long #self harm mention / #drugs mention / #relapse mention / #idk how else to tag...it hasnt been a good year for me. #it hasnt been a good year for anyone but i've had some extra stuff piled onto it that i dont think most people have had