#im scared i feel like its just gonna go bad

[satoumafuyuss]

shes just like me fr 💚

#i love nene sm shes sooooo <3333 #i also made the bg purple not only cause her eyes but also i love ruinene #nene kusanagi #project sekai #proseka #prsk fa #kusanagi nene #will the day ever come where i admit nene is also one of my top faves? #who knows #for now shes just in my faves list #i love her sm tho #yknow its bad when youre listening to her vas songs and not just her in game songs #also oh my god i kinda hated this when i was sketching it but it turned out way better than i expected so yeah trust the process or whateve #nillyart #also also i feel like ive gotten SO MUCH BETTER AT FANART THIS YEAR #i used to be so scared of fanart cause oh my god i just could not draw other peoples characters but omg look at me now!!!! #i think it also helps i dont care as much about canon anymore like no im gonna draw them how they look in my head thankies #typically that is close to canon tho #unless its love live or proseka characters i like to darken their skin cause oh my god <3 they are SO PALE #like girl i barely go outside and IM STILL DARKER THAN YOU #IM SO WHITE #IM 90% IRISH!!!!! #nillyfanart

[lycanthian]

gonna be 19 in less than a week. its hitting me. girl what tha fuck.

#i dont even know if this is a bad thing its just scary #ive gotten a couple goals in for the year? getting a boyfriend and opening commissions being the main two #but it feels like ive spent most of the past year struggling with depression and debilitating anxiety and. ueagh #ive spentnso much time feeling awful and hating myself and not enough time enjoying myself. #i still struggle with doing basic tasks both hobbywise and selfcare wise and just. ueaagh. #i feel gross and annoying and difficult to get along with and awkward and lazy and. uaaaghhhggh #itsso bad rn i cant even put into words how im feeling properly #ive been teetering back and forth on the edge of a depressive spiral a la december 2023 for the past month #and imscared im gonna hit that again. and not have a way to cope and rest through it this time #because i have finals and portfolio stuff and im moving #and i have to help my friend make sure that shes going to have a place to live over the summer #and i have to get my drivers license and i have to get working on community service hours and i have so so so so so much to do and. weh #im scared i wont be able to do any of it #lycan howls

[angel-of-sweet-revenge]

When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out

#vent #its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything #i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant. #im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something- #-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again. #plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal) #and just #im fucking tired ok #and I'm sorry im a bad friend #i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some. #but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired #i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn? #and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON. #I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it #but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit #and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them #and they can lash out on me #i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not #last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend #it wasnt my fault #that friend ghosted me #im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too #but at the same time im too done to even really care #i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one? #the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

[bangcakes]

.

#LMAO.... i was not meant for this loveydovey shid. i am sooooooo lovesick its not even funny #like can someone save me. its gotten so bad #i talked to my mom about it on n off for like 3 hours NDNDJDJJDJD #im just !!!!!!! ah.... i have to be patient. thats just what i have to be #bc rushing will only make things worse #and i cant be heartbroken during the semester. like thatd suck #but then.. i also dont knownif i wanna be in a relationship during school either??????? #like can i handle it or will i go so googoo eyes that i flunk out aJdkdkdkdkdkd #and IN MY LAST TERM????? #like hhhh im so scared i'll never see him again when schools over. which... ok unlikely bc we have the same friends #but even if we DO see each other it wont be as often as now !!!!! #hhhhh i wanna see him everyday 😭😭😭😭😭😭 #HHHHHHHHHHHH GOD #feel like im gonna end up confessing to him the last day of school NDJDJJDJDJDJDJDJDJDJDJD #which !!!! again bc we have the same friends....... could be sooo detrimental!!!!!!!!!!!! #but god i cant just be just friends alright. like hhhh !!!!!@@@ i like him so much 😭😭😭😭 #his eyes are so kind n like the way he looks at me i just !!!!!!!!!@@@ baboom baboom baBOOM.. !!!! ya know !!!!!!!!@ #n e way....... im not seeing him tomorrow (heartbreak hotel) so now i gotta wait A DAY????? incomprehensible #personal

[dullahandyke]

i look at some of u guys talking abt a new show u watched or a new thing u read and im like. holy shit thats a thing u can do. im in awe of u. i spend my time slowly ping-ponging between several interests whose base componants i can never experience because i get scard

#right now its danganronpa again grin. did u know ive been into it on and off for lets say 7 years at this point #and ive never once played it myself. i have it installed on this laptop ready to go and i just! never open it! #because if Im the one playing it then i have to pay attention and i get scared #but if im watching a lets player i just naturally pay attention without the pressure #ive talked before how i always feel i need to have the smart cool takes on shit #n this deep plays into that #idk boti was good for me bcos nobody fucking knew what it was so nobody could judge me for pardoning anotsu's crimes bcos he was hot #so i probs need to do that again #yknow a thing where i disconnect from anything that anyone knows about and get really really into some dipshit manga from 2008 #but also like. i get a lot of my media recs from people talking abt what they like #which then means i defacto have someone who is gonna know if my takes are shit #and like even now. im watching mop cycle w dri and im having fun w it #but i feel bad bcos i see so many ppl like This Is The Best Anime Ever and i just like. dont get it #like i can actively feel the messages and shit whooshing over my head #its a fine anime! i'm having fun watching it! but i don't get all the commentary abt pacifism or whatever #idk. something something my need to be The Smart Kid The Bookworm Kid that went unchecked too long without peers to challenge me #so now im here like Uh Oh #and like this wouldnt be the end of the world (save for its impact on my mood n stuff) #but also like. i am an english student. i should know this shit. but i stragiht up do not feel smart enough to sometimes #i keep coasting by on the assumption that im a smart kid and i'll automatically be better than my peers #and im being disproven #i got an english exam back tonight and i got like 63% #and i like college! i just dont like. college. #anywho its approaching 3am and i have a 9am tomorrow morning which means bedtime

[oscill4te]

hmmm 50/50 chance I might talk to my manager about something that is scaryyy. Or maybe two scary things. Hmmm. I have to do it today tho bc if I do it on Monday.... it would be too late I think. Im off tomorrow.

#Change never happens unless you ask though #screaming a lot inside though but my roommate gave me encouragement that its important for me to talk about this #its just terrifying tho fffffff im always scared to talk about my issues with people in person especially if its a work issue #i get mute and I have to script it in my head or even write it down or i will go blank yknow? #my manager is a nice person who listens but i get so nervous still and feel bad for giving him yet another issue #to like. worry about #one issue is... creepy coworker. other issue is.. I want to step down. but they have no replacement so thats scary #i think Im gonna do it though. normally i just say nothing but idk. whats the worst that can happen( #its still scary lol

[realness-remade]

I MIGHT BE ABLE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR SOON. yay but also very scary

#honestly for the most part ive been feeling better but symptoms still persist which scares me #ive been calling it a kidney stone this whole time but Im gonna be real im still completely unsure. so #if i do end up going some time this week wish me luck i havent done anything like this since around 12-13 so its very scary For me. smile... #if not a kidney stone the next most likely thing is some kind of infection #which shouldnt be too bad because again the horrid pain and really bad parts are mostly gone by now #-_- i wish u could just create a dump file of everything going on in your body and troubleshoot urself but Nooooo nope spend money now

[soul-spoken]

I vent or breakdown so often, I know I get told it's fine and talk when I need to but geez it feels so excessive, like I'm overly sensitive or just really really easily triggered over things that shouldn't even relate to my trauma

We come to solutions or we distract from it, or we cuddle, but it's just always there.

I can almost always feel the dumb anxiety or depression feelings, I don't want to

I wish my brain understood that

#im tired of only feeling safe when im overly babied and small. i know at this current time point certain traumas are still really fresh #and i need to let myself acknowledge that and relax and maybe be taken care of on a higher level but #i feel so clingy and embarrassed #and i really wish i wasn't still reminded of things from the past. i hate getting anxious over things from high school or college #that doesn't matter anymore #i don't wanna be so vulnerable and scared all the time #but i think i need to #i just want to be held. feel skin to skin. get kissed and called sweet names #i wanna feel his nails through my hair. hear that hushed voice he does when being soft. i wanna be closer #i wanna be safe and told its not scary. its not bad. instead of how we've been going about things.. #cant i just feel secluded and loved? feel protected and small #i wanna be told that my ptsd is a normal reaction and that i dont have to be like i was before. i can take a while to gather myself #to mourn and exist. to just.. be #be however my brain is needing to be in order to relax #i wanna be intimate and romantic and loving and gentle #i feel so guilty over these wants and needs #i wish i didn't have them. i wish i understood that its safe to have them. #i wish i was different #i wish i was me. but me before #when i was stable and felt nice and independent but i still had little moments of softness and needing help. i miss my early early twenties #but. i also miss the feeling of being held tight by him and told nothing could hurt me anymore. that he was gonna keep the bad away #like middle school. keeping the mean kids away #i love him. i want to feel loved #i am loved. i don't doubt that. but i wish i could capture every soft second and live in it forever #and i feel so guilty #trav.txt

[frecklystars]

I miss Starscream. I miss when TF wasn't a goddamn trigger

#looking at RID references for someone's commission #and crying my eyes out :') i want my starlight back #i want my fucking joy back #fuck my abuser how can you give someone ptsd and feel absolutely no remorse #how do you abuse someone relentlessly when you know they're at their worst and not give a shit #how do ppl like that exist. i can only hope karma hits u like a bus ❤ #3 years!!! of loving stsc!!! and i FLINCH at him??? i CRY when i see him?? he used to feel so safe and loving #i never felt safer with anyone else!!! and now it's like that safe feeling is so foreign. i just want to get better so bad #im so fucking empty without my special interest i dont know how to function day to day #looking at my loved ones and genuinely wholeheartedly believing they'd betray me and hurt me for my abuser #is the fucking worst feeling in the world and i wish i could go back in time and stop myself from meeting my abuser #i wish i listened to my gut i had such a bad gut feeling abt her CONSTANTLY #and yet i stayed bc she kept insisting she was gonna off herself if i didnt cater to her every emotion #over and over and over and over #i wish i could go back in time and change everything #its so hard!!!! you dont know!!! you dont know how hard this feels im struggling every day!!!! #TF was all i had and now it's gone and self shipping is supposed to be my escape #i just want my life back #i dont care what bad things happen to me if i just had stsc i know i'd get thru it but i cant anymore #everything hurts so bad all the time and im so scared im never gonna feel okay again #vent #delete later

[pup-pee]

this is basically my kyle playlist

california girls is rlly carrying the angst so sad((she eants me(2 b loved) is not the sadest song ots just the 1st))

#most if the songs r about alex ngl i love her sm #goodmirbing!! my headaches gone yiipppee!!!! #tgus doodles from yesterday tho lol #i was gonna post it on my kyle doodle acc but like?? not anymore #i drew him kinda leaky srry man #actually no not srry CRY MORE #this guy needs therapy idc what u say #i mean most of them do byt like i will ralk about his silly lil issues hes got sm of those #i feel so bad 4 the ppl i talk 2 omfg #i just talk talk talk & never shut up & THEY DONT TELL ME 2 SHUT UP?? makes me frel bad like oh shit i just yapped @ u im so srry #not even talking about dc all the time #its worse when its dc omg #‘no i like hearing u talk’ like uhm DO U? i can make u regreat that here let me talk about kyle rayner #all the ppl irl having 2 deal w/me shuffling trough comics & me making them see smth on my phone 4 context #i swear i dont talk over ppl ot @ least i rlly try not 2 #srry im like sleepy @ am remembering going over 2 1 of my parents friends house &i just talked talked talked #i was ddoung basically a horrible stand up routine #skjfkfkvkkgg #anyaysd kyleee omgg kyle raynerr??!!! #im so srry kyle nation #my kyle tag lmao #kyle rayner #<- is scared #2 put that #dc #puppee art #i think instead of talk talk talk i should say ramble ramble ramble

[srkgirlblogger]

.

#the day was going so well until my mom decided to be mean to me for no reason in a piblic space where i was already feeling scared and over #stimulated. i wanted to try out the skateboards in decathlon but there were too many people and i got scared. and my mom suddenly said that #the skateboard that she was going to buy for me after/on my birthday. she had decided to buy now. since we were alr in theshop and i said no #way bec i hadnt decided which one i wanted yet and i was soo panicked. and then after some time when id calmed down a bit and was gonna try #to skate anyways she started questioning me abt when i planned on peacticing and where i was gonna do it and i obviously just started saying #things that i thought she would approve of. and then she told me i didnt have the time management skills or resolve to make it work. and she #just kept on passive aggressively bullying me until i just couldnt do it anymore and i told her i wanted go leave the store bc she was #spoiling the mood. and then she started bullying me louder and she told me to stop blaming her bc she was only asking me a question and she #didn't want to waste any more money on things that i wasnt gonna do even though ive wanted a skateboard for years now and have been actively #asking her for months. and i just lost my emergy and my appetite and i wanted to leave the mall and go home but insteaf she gook us to a #bagel place that ive been trying to get her to take us even though i felt like throwing up before we even left the mall and i told her i #didnt want to go there. and my brother even told her that she was ruining things for everyone. and he still ended up blaming me in the end. #but whatever. i kept getting flashbacks to insanely traumatic moments where shed yelled at or bullied me or cornered me or tried to #embarass me in public. and this is most likely my last year at home. and my last year of childhood. and its all going to be remembered in my #brain as underwhelming and depressing and mostly horrible. and im going to leave home and never cone back and my last year at home is going #to be just as shitty as every other year and ill just have to deal with that and try to build something good and new and kind when i leave #she shouldnt speak to her own children like this. she shouldnt be looking for reasons to make things miserable for me all the time like this #i should study. my head hurts. my entire body hurts so bad #delete later

[girlwithfish]

i feel stupid bc i couldnt leave an abusive relationship for two and a half years. clown emoji ur sooo dumb and stupid and weak and everyone thinks im stupid and i shouldnt date anyone bc im too stupid and will get abused again. how i am feelijg rn and ik this is very stupid

#had semi productive conversation w my sister but i just feel bad rn #and im trying to not rely on Guy but he did call me while i was talking w my sister and i rly wanna talk to him on the phone before i go to #sleep itd cheer me up a bit but thats bad!!!! #like ik i should b happy w myself blabla but im sorry i want love. is this so evil #idk #and my sister said it feels like idc how my family feels abt me dating so im gonna try to have a better conversation w my mom #but it just makes me think they think im dumb or dont think im constantly terrified of getting in the same situation #but she said its cuz i dont talk abt it so i understand #but itsl ike . of course im terrified and scared and anxious and im dealing w it alone and ik maybe i shouldnt but i am #Idk #anddd she said it was hard for everyone to see me in a relationship like that and i was brainwashed #which i understand too and now i feel guilty as fuck and like i did bad and im an evil person or not evil just stupidnand #some stupid robot who is too dumb to not be abused HAHA #yay :)

[bunnyb34r]

I know I should just block (and not OPEN) tags and posts ab '24 but my brain is stupid and likes to be informed even if it makes me worse

#marquilla #im not even joking when i say this next election makes me wanna kms so bad. im fucking terrified and i feel like we already know what's #gonna happen. not bc people arent voting or organizing i mean bc of how far the right has gotten and how angry they are that a #dem won so theyre gonna show up in droves and it's like god i wish we could idk have some safegaurds in place??? like oh idk you #incite an insurrection you Can't run for president?? but also that wouldnt fully stop shit bc florida has its own neo nazi running and #theres more behind him in the wings. but like idk man i just get so fucking suicidal thinking ab the future #and my drs. are like well then dont look at the news??? 'i sure dont' mkay thats great (not) but um i CAN'T not watch bc i need to #be informed i need to know. and they're like well then stop worrying ab it til election day?? LIKE THAT HELPS #so i just dont bring it up. and i just spiral and have breakdowns in the shower and think ab making a will and shit yknow normal stuff #bc this is fine! just dont engage! stop worrying it's like a year away! it MIGHT get better! idk Join in your community then?? #like yes yes thats a start but with what fucking energy when im bedbound most of the time im not working and that doesnt stop these fascist #s like me helping the community garden would be good for the community and probably my mental health in general BUT that doesnt deal with #the actual fear that makes me wanna Kermit #like it really fucking feels like all i can do is pray and hope god somehow intervenes (rapture anyone?) and that things do go well and #that the outright outspoken nzis don't win but like I really just wanna die man #i know the outcome more than likely will not directly affect my life bc im white. cis passing. and can go back in the closet regretfully #but like that doesnt reassure me any bc i have friends and loved ones and generally just give a shit ab other people and how this WILL #affect them directly and that terrifies me. it really feels like we cant ever have a moment to just exist yknow?? #idk man i just wanna die bc im so scared haha how fun (: how normal (: this is fine. everything is fine.

[possiblytracker]

rolling on the floor and weeping bc i do not have the time in the day to sit down and work on art that takes concerted effort and thought (especially not now i have very recently learned i have until friday to get most of my stuff out of this house) i am playing a neverending game of "am i going to be able to pull this off or am i going to have to weigh up whether it'd be ruder to make commissions as artfight attacks or wait til august"

#bc god knows july is going to be the only time i can body myself into working at this point #ill prolly just try and ride the Artfight High to do the existing comms without actually uploading them if it would be a dick move to #try and get points out of them gkhjSDB #bc i have a feeling it might be and id feel bad. like. it goes against the spirit of the event or smth? #either way i have given up on opening new comms for now i will deal with the crushing debt later #aiming to reopen in august or maybe july but ik artfight month is kind of an 'off season' khgSKDJ #its!!! i feel bad because I Have been drawing ive been doing the askblog and a few misc things for artfight prep but #those dont take as much time and effort and Deliberate Thought as working on smth for other people and i am crawling with anxiety #full disclosure i even have one done!!! a whole commission sitting there!! forabout a week!! but ive been scared to get into Conversations #so its like. ok. im just gonna. continue shoveling the heap of Life Problems out of the way slowly #and eventually the giant pile will become small enough i can think about other things again and it will be ok #ill have a bit of time at home this weekend with not much else to do so. ill see how wiped out i am #at least things are gonna get good this week there is light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to ..

[thegreatbeyondmp3]

bro it sucks so much to have to go to work when you're sick

#i dont wanna go but literally if i miss another day they could fire me 😬 #i don't have covid at least according to the home tests but like. i still have a cold or something #and i can't call out because our time is so restricted #and its not even the worst attendance policy i know of but it still sucks to have to work around #esp coming from my last job where i could take off literally as much time as i needed to basically whenever i needed/wanted to #added on top of the fact that i just don't want to fuckin be there anyway #and that im scared im gonna pick up covid bc my immune system is currently weakened #ugh. i have to get through tomorrow and the next day #and then im off again #and then im on one more day before im back off again #so i will have a rest day again pretty soon at least #after being off the last three days #(the first was my legit day off but it was very busy and few days before that were the roughest of a tough couple of weeks - #the second i took off bc i had to babysit and. being completely honest. i watched all of fellow travelers thr night before. and esp after #how bad a time id been personally having lately. all the suffering and the loneliness and the romance just hit me so hard #tbh i just felt like i deserved a break and i could do some work at home to balance things out - #third day i woke up feeling sick and coughing pretty hard and just feeling generally miserable. which continued for most of the day. #but with less coughing until now bc im laying down) #i just wish i could take an extra day or two to actually kick this 😭 #sorry this is so long i can get locquacious when im tired