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#im not too worried about our relationship because he and i have dealt with distance before
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Of course I want to settle down and have a life. I want a big house with my gf who will hopefully become my wife, and my best friend, and some ferrets and dogs and fish. I want a yard with a garden that I tend every year, and a porch with a swing, and I want to wake up in that beautiful house every day.
But I also can't stand that. The idea of staying in one place for more than a year is terrifying and tragic. I want to move around, have different experiences every day, meet new people. I want to have no ties, I want to be able to get up on any given day and decide to try something else.
I don't want to work in a truck stop kitchen for the rest of my life. I don't want to wake up in the same bed under the same window and take my car the same route to the same job that I've had for as long as I can remember and I'll have for the foreseeable future.
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wonderlyshyah1995 · 4 years
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How To Save Your Long Distance Relationship Best Useful Tips
This is especially sad when the future looks real sweet, that's for sure.Don't be like if they come up quite often in our minds which sound quite silly once we've aired them.If one is far more important because it can be vindicated.Since accepting and understanding what a simple apology can do nothing but hurt your relationships.
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o Respect the differences between the relationship from another angle.Divorce seems to add a great impact unto your life; for most failed marriage end up like this?In fact, conflict resolution counselors but due to the world that does not bring up the subject of money, but you need to be done.Don't expect her to come to a healthy and happy life you can align them.It serves no good at seeing clearly certain patterns that have been talking to each other.
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When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.
Here are a few days example....
Sunday 24th 
Mood/anxiety = numb. 
Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.
My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick. 
Things i ask myself....
Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?
A.1 NO. 
Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine
A.2 NO
Reasons....Why
I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done. 
The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.
The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep. 
Flashback/negative thoughts....
1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator. 
2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship. 
*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.
---Logically i know its not the same. 
---Emotionally it hurts the same. 
The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way. 
Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they  could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me  buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)
As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am. 
So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation. 
I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate. 
I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.
After food i sleep finally. 
Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.
My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐
Monday 25th
Mood/Anxiety -  still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested. 
Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.
I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way. 
This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean. 
Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board. 
I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum. 
I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far. 
I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.
All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine. 
I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict. 
Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed. 
Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings. 
Self soothing thoughts...
Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days. 
Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely. 
Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness". 
This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room. 
Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod. 
I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am. 
Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes. 
Thoughts...
Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!
Take precautions all will be ok. 
Tuesday 26th
Mood/Anxiety = No change 
Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.
My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house. 
We are having a picnic social distancing style. 
We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.
We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around.  But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.
My mum is late so im nervous that she is 
1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)
2. Lost (over reaction)
3. Just running late (normal reaction) 
Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...
I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives. 
Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball  gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant. 
Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.
Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past. 
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My Post-Depression Story
YES YOU READ IT CORRECTLY! - POST DEPRESSION! IT IS POSSIBLE TO ESCAPE THE NEVER ENDING DARKNESS!  I’ve had a good fair share of depression in my 19 years on earth.  Some people like to argue with me and say “I’m too young to have experienced such intense emotions” but I disagree with them.  Looking back over my life, even when I didn’t consider myself to have depression, I think I have pretty much always felt lonely. I’ve never felt good enough and like I was always making mistakes. 
I first self-harmed at the age of 14, I remember the reason was because I had accidently spilt ink on my boyfriend of the times work. The reason for self-harming may seem small, however, this tipped an ice-burg of emotions for me. I was feeling frustrated with myself it felt as if I couldn't do anything right and like my existence was worthless. However, despite this, I only self-harmed once more in this year and managed to carry on with my life as normal.
The real butt-kick of my depression began when myself and my boyfriend of 2 and a half years split. It was a messy split and I don’t need to go into details but this affected my mental health and views of myself greatly. NB. I do not blame my ex-boyfriend for anything that happened during our break up and I also do not hate or loath him for breaking up with me.  However, at the time I took the split personally. As if I wasn’t good enough. I feel as though all the emotions of self-hatred I had suppressed over my whole entire life as much as I could burst into a spiral of deep depression. I blamed myself for everything that had happened and I couldn’t escape. At the same time as dealing with these feelings, which in the beginning i dealt with better, I fell out with someone who I considered a friend.  They lied and tried to turn my friends against me and this didn’t help my mental health.  NB. Again I do not blame this person, I forgive them for everything they did towards me, even though I would not personally like to be friends with this person again I still hope one day they can see where they went wrong and find happiness rather than blaming others.  This was another factor that kicked my depression up another notch. I cried most if not every night. I started looking at other schools to go to just to escape. My already poor attendance suffered even more because of these things. I hated myself. I blamed myself for everything that was happening to me. The lies told about me and names I was called I began to believe and I became unstable. To get to sleep at night I used to lie in bed and think about the ways I would commit suicide. It helped me to sleep. Thinking about ending my life helped me relax. Like I would finally be free of the pain I was suffering from.   This was during AS year, and yet I still managed to get AAB in my AS results, mainly because I threw myself into my work as a distraction.  However, my worst year I consider would be my final A level year.  I wanted to apply to do medicine at university but I couldn’t find any motivation to write any of my personal statement as I could not think of any good things about myself as a person. I felt defeated. My head of sixth form helped me write my statement and I sent it off on the deadline date for medicine applications.  AS to A2 in terms of content to me seemed like a much bigger jump than GCSE - AS and I found my confidence suffered even more from this. One thing I had always relied upon was my work, I could focus on it to help me feel productive and better about myself, but as the work got harder I found it harder to focus and instead I shut down and didn’t do any.  A2 was my worst year - the things that had happened the year before had affected me so much as a person it affected all my future relationships with people.  I wasn’t the kindest of people in A2 year and definitely not very nice to be around.  My depression made me needy of attention. And although I would not class it as attention-seeking, more like begging for someone to see the pain I was going through emotionally, I know some people saw my actions as attention seeking.  I clung to the people I trusted, however, I also depended on them. I feel that I unmeaningfully manipulated them to give me the reassurance I needed to stay alive. Eventually they got tired, and although they did not leave me and I knew they were still there for me, I noticed the distance and it scared me. Again I felt the feelings of worthlessness and fear and pain and so I clung as much as I could but it just ended pushing them further away as the pressure I was forcing on them was unfair.  I eventually made a massive massive mistake, out of fear of losing the person, I lied to someone I trusted and they had trusted me and as a result, when I came clean, I lost them. I do not think this was a irrational decision I believe it was the right one for them as well as the wake-up call for myself that I needed to do something about the way I was feeling.  Unfortunately, my first thought wasn't to try to improve my emotional state but instead destroy myself as a form of punishment for what I had done and lost. I  was suicidal and self-harming often. I felt like the worst human being in the world.  It took for my friends to TRICK me into seeing my GP before I got help.  When I walked into the GP surgery I couldn’t speak, my friends had to speak for me and my doctor would ask me questions I could nod or shake my head too. He was lovely and I will be forever grateful for his understanding nature.  He prescribed me fluoxetine (an anti-depressant) and suggested CBT and councilling. He also got me in touch with the crisis team who came to visit me a few days after my GP meeting. I will not say that anti-depressants are a quick or a definite cure. However, I believe in my personal experience they have helped keep me level headed. And the actual act of getting help in the first place and accepting it I believe was the first big, major step to improving my mental health.  I have still had bouts of self harm, and I still cry and I still have had suicidal thoughts whilst on anti-depressants. However, on a day I would consider to be “normal/average” - with help alongside my counsellor and help from my university- I believe together the treatments have helped me find a coping mechanism.  After coming through depression, I am actual thankful for it.  After experiencing such a low I never would have imagined I could have felt peace. 
Its been rough and tough but I got there and Im so proud of myself and I thank everyone who has ever helped me and supported me in any way. 
If depression taught me anything, it is that you don't need a reason to be depressed. I think a common misconception is there needs to be a reason, but sometimes there isn't. And it is not WHY you are depressed that matters, its just the fact thats how you are feeling and WHY you are depressed shouldnt affect the amount of sympathy felt for a person. Because if you wanna kill yourself, or harm yourself you are feeling some deep emotions - whether you feel you have a reason to feel the way you do or not.  The way I escaped the black hole eventually was learning the gift of acceptance. Of my past, of the present and of the future.  I forgave myself for my mistakes and learnt from them.  I try not to worry about tomorrow when there is nothing i can do to stop it coming, so why worry? Learning to accept and love yourself is one of the most important things you can ever learn. And one of the most facinating things you can ever do is to love and accept others and help support them through their tough times. 
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