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#im not less than anyone for being traumatized
tai-janai · 1 month
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ok so apparently all the voices have a little ability ? of some sort that comes from different forms of trauma responses and the sake of safety so im going to list what i think they are. im open to discussion
tldr: they all are their own form of trauma response
with the obvious:
The Voice of the Paranoid with reign over the system. It goes with the fact that someone with anxiety has more stress responses than the average person, he knows how to keep the heart from exploding. His response is pretty clear, the nightmare is very clearly traumatizing. His focus works on survival from the inside.
The Voice of the Hunted has his animalistic instinct and heightened senses. I stand by the fact that he could hold his own better than any other voice in a battle to the death. Though he may not outsmart an enemy, his focus works to keep the system safe.
The Voice of the Hero is, in a way, inconsistent. I think his ability has to do with adaptability. I also have this minor headcanon that he isn't quite the same as the other voices, since he's always kind of there. He can reach the Quiet even when others cannot. His interactions with and reactions to the princess depend on the player more than any other thing. His focus is less of a Hero, and more of an ally.
The Voice of the Broken is fear in a way Paranoid is not. His fear makes him small, but more powerful. In the instance of "Fight or Flight," his response is "Fawn," as in he will use his power to give in to the fear. His will and fear are very powerful compared to the others, being able to control the Quiet's actions without much effort. In a way, his focus is making himself powerless.
The Voice of the Cold is pretty infamous for being as unfeeling as possible. I believe this is not just his little emo persona, I think his focus has shifted in a way that he has become unfeeling (usually as a result of turning off after being stuck in Nothing for "eternity"). His focus is a straightforward lack of empathy as a response to the trauma of nothingness and murder.
The Voice of the Opportunist is like the Hero with adaptability, but that is not his focus. He works with self-interest in mind. He is focused on self-improvement, with the self becoming the best and most powerful. When others backstab, and when you, yourself are a backstabber, it is often that one learns from this to get a vantage point. He is very clever to the best situation and outcome, not caring how he gets there. His focus is the self's best interest.
The Voice of the Stubborn is a very angry little guy. Fight or Flight, his choice is pretty obvious. In the route of the Adversary, of which he is the foil, his response is to become the enemy. He has to fight her, until it becomes a game where "nobody can get hurt." He, like Paranoid, can keep the body from stopping. Remind you of anyone named Frisk Undertale? His focus comes down to denial and determination. He won't let himself be the victim.
The Voice of the Skeptic is, of course, constantly questioning. Once bitten, twice shy, as we all know. The lies , this time from the Narrator, are definitely stress-inducing, and coming from someone that preaches trust, it is not so easy to replenish the guy's trust in anything. His views can venture beyond what is available; he is the first to think outside of the box. It comes down to the focus of self-preservation, the opposition to the Opportunist's focus of self-interest.
The Voice of the Contrarian is similar, but it can be argued that he isn't exactly a trauma response. He is just a reaction to the self. There is a disorder (i cant remember the name) where its just constant denial and contradiction, and that feels more like him than anything. But we all know Conty. It's very clear his focus is Brewing Chaos. His affect can literally alter reality as the reality is being perceived.
The Voice of the Smitten is ... a little bit sad. I'm sure we all know about stockholm syndrome, but in a lot of instances, Smitten will trauma bond with the princess. It's as if she can do no wrong, right? even when she kills you? Multiple times? And will again? ? ? The sheer denial and willingness to be hurt is, yes, another trauma response, wanting the person you love to be perfect, and hoping that they are. His focus is effort; trying his best to love and be loved. Often in vain. It is arguable that his affect effects reality more than any other Voice.
Last but not least, The Voice of the Cheated. Thought of as weak, but could have been more if he was "treated fairly." Anyone who feels as though they have been treated unfairly in the past knows the desire to have things be fair. In the route of the Razor, he also has an incredible resolve and determination. His stubbornness comes from a need to "settle the score." He can unify, and eventually "empty the cup," as in letting go of his vengeance. All of the voices do not bother him. If anything, he is glad that everyone can have their effect, and he hopes his efforts will be enough. His focus is equality, and unity.
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commanderquinn · 7 months
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a list of canon ways in which lillian hart is The Fucking Worst that cora coe deserves financial and emotional compensation for:
-the basis for the big divorce counseling mission is that cora's worried for her mother's safety. that means, before going on a deep cover operation with smugglers known to kill rangers, marines, or anyone else caught trying to interfere with their business, lillian didnt leave her daughter a heads up much less a lead. once the fuck again, this woman decided that her career was more important than her daughter's mental and emotional health. once the fuck again, this woman decided she could just disappear from cora's life and then come back out of the blue without consequence
-when you go to lillian's office to look for her at cora's request, the guy working the desk knows SAM well enough to know his name and give him shit like they've got a personal history, but he??? isnt sure about????? cora's name???? word for word, he looks at her and says "it's cora, right?" you're telling me that this woman doesn't talk about her kid enough for her fellow INVESTIAGATIVE rangers to be sure about her name??? are you SHITTING ME??????? get the fuck out of here. you cant push "ranger family values" and the close ties they have in one breath then claim she likes to keep a professional distance at work in the other. you wanna have the conversation about what fresh hell it is being a working mother in a position of power, lets go, ill have that conversation all day long. but lillian hart is not a fucking example of a working mother and im gonna be pretty fucking insulted for working mothers everywhere if i catch wind of ppl trying to pull that kind of defense card. the woman's an awful parent and should be held the fuck accountable for it. you wanna know how i know????
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she doesn't say cora's name enough for the ranger watching the door to be confident in it, but he remembers alllll the stories of the captain her ex is cozying up to. and lillian is the one to confirm during the quest that she has been getting the stories from cora, so there's some clear "oh she already likes the stranger more than me." i know im reading into it because its fiction and none of these people are real, but ive also, y'know been in cora's shoes, so i can tell you from real life experience that shit does exist. idk if that was the writers INTENT, but it sure does a great job at reflecting a very sad reality
-sam points out its dumb that lillian wants to speed the ship, with her daughter on it, directly at the sydicate. idk abt y'all, but my ship was pretty dinky at that point bc i was focused on outposts, and we got ambushed by like 6 ship waves once we landed for that fight. again, i get it. game mechanics get a higher priority than realism. but this whole "we have to finish this because theres a chance you were spotted trying to rescue me" shit is so. nauseating. theres no demand to drop off cora somewhere safe, theres no "lets call in the cavalry." its this fucking egomaniac looking you dead in the eye and being like "i know i just traumatized the shit out of my kid but i need you to drive us into an ambush while she's still on board. hope you're a good shot because sam and i cant kill them ourselves." and so what that we did that????? YOURE TELLING ME IT WAS JUST THOSE SHIPS???? the rest of the organization is just going to LET IT GO???? like no fucking wonder sam sees himself as the better option even through all his fucking doubt. at least he knows when to turn the fuck around because shit is above his paygrade
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-she has custody rights. she is a decorated and respected ranger. sam being a smuggler wasnt public knowledge, but point out one person in akila who wouldnt believe her in a heartbeat over it. everyone in town gives him nothing but shit, and they all side with his dad who was definitely no picnic to live with. im guessing big emotional detachment there, lotta interrogation and persecution rather than teaching and understanding. HELL, sam would probably own up to his past if lillian outed him for it, he's that type of idiot. at literally any point she could put in the effort to get legal council involved. if she's SOOOO by the law, whats the hold up there???? i agree the kid shouldnt be on my ship while im in the middle of a space fight. ive talked with sam about it, and im not even the kids parent (as of the personal quest). what the fuck are you doing about it lillian????????? oh thats right. we cant get lillian on the phone. whomp whomp.
-she made cora cry. hyper independent, "big girls dont cry" cora coe. multiple times. worse, she made cora cry because she made cora feel like she wasn't as important as lillian's career. i dont give a fuck what criminals are doing. i do not give a fuck. i give a fuck that that little pixel child got her heart broken and there isnt a dialogue for me to call out her mother for being a huge fucking cunt to her own daughter but theres a thousand and one options for me to tell sam he's parenting wrong. he is, and i have no problem using them when they're appropriate, but where the fuck are they for lillian??? why am i not allowed to tear this woman a new asshole at any point, but there's like 20+ extra dialogue options added to every single npc you have a persuade option with???? todd my head hurts and its your fault
-"im sure sam's told you all about me. go on. ask whatever you want." yet there is no option to ask what the fuck her problem is. so, clearly, i cannot, in fact, ask whatever i want.
-"but the looks i got from my fellow rangers reading alexander dumas... we do strange things for kids." yeah hart??? thats your standard????? THATS your idea of going out of your way for your kid??? literally how did sam fall for this woman oh my god i cant even listen to her speak without wanting to use the power of bitchhood i inherited from a long line of angry irish women to ridicule her to tears. maybe then she'll fucking understand how small she makes her fucking kid feel every time she turns a moment of bonding into a little "woe is me and my comfort zone oh how unfortunate i am to have a brilliant daughter that wants to connect with me through her greatest passion"
-she openly admits that she dumped the cargo sam was smuggling not because she felt any connection or sympathy or just didnt want to destroy someones chance at life in a capitalist society, but because he was a good pilot and she didnt want that talent to "go to waste" so she could recruit him. thats not really a thing against cora i just really fucking hate that and the picture it paints of her priorities as a human being
-"if we're going to be really honest here... back when we were a team... cora would follow you everywhere, like a little adoring dog. i... just fell out of it. long before we separated."
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i literally. do not have words for how fucking disgusted i am by that line of dialogue. oh my fucking god. oh my fucking god. i. i TRULY would not even know where to start. the dog comparison makes me violently angry and if you'd given me a punch interrupt at that moment, i would have broken my keyboard punching the accept option
-go replay or watch a recording of that divorce counseling mission one more time. while you're doing it, imagine the roles reversed. imagine youre romancing a character thats a mother bringing cora into space, and the ranger standing in your cockpit asking to finish the mission is her father who took off to live at work once it was clear his little girl liked mommy better. imagine THAT while you listen to the (imo) out of fucking pocket dialogue where sam constantly praises lillian for being "a good ranger/woman." then you come back and tell me how comfortable you are with the concept of lillian hart as a character.
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ufoend · 1 year
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∆ please help us
we can not afford any of our basic needs
i usually try to keep this as light as possible, but i have put this off for long enough that i have to post this. me and my partner desperately need help. we are just two gay people trying to make it alone here with absolutely no support system.
who we are: im j (or jet), im 24 year old trans guy whose had this account since 2014. i married my partner in 2018, we even met on tumblr when we were younger, we've been together for years. my partner is disabled (diagnosed with autism and seizure disorder and others)
what we need: our cat had an emergency surgery two years ago that means he needs to be on a prescription diet (hills urinary food) for his entire life. the vet suddenly said we need to bring him in again to get his prescription renewed and we cant order any more food for him until then, which he will not survive without, and he is not allowed to eat any alternative food without risking his life. we have less than half of a 8 lb bag of it which will not last him through the next month. with the vet, food, and ubers to get to the vet and to the only place they sell the food = 200
to try to summarize our situation, we were kicked out by family and made officially homeless for the first time last year. this is right after we moved across states (wa to az) to support my partners family upon their request, only to be subjected to abuse and kicked out directly due to homophobia in an unfamiliar state after a few months. this left both of us and all of our animals entirely homeless. we luckily have an apartment now but our situation is still not okay. we lost all of our belongings at this time, everything, and have not been able to replace them as we have fixed income. my partner is especially affected by this situation, as it was traumatizing, and they have just had to power through trauma after trauma because of poverty, more than i can say.
i also have severe dental problems that are not covered by medicaid in az and i have no way to afford. this includes wisdom teeth, root canals, and many cavities that will turn into that crazy expensive treatment if i don't fix it. some may remember this (+this). i was only able to have a little bit of work done before we were homeless and one root canal failed. i cant keep ignoring it, because they are worried about two of the cavities becoming root canals, and i want to prevent another infection, but thats at least 250 each.
we are still not going to be able to afford rent in future months because our EBT was delayed last month and i had to spend money we don't have to afford anything, and now we are in serious jeopardy even affording rent, let alone bills. our pets (2 cats 1 small dog) also desperately need vaccinations, which is dangerous to keep going this overdue without with their health problems. our dog has also been limping for the past week and he needs to be seen when that is ever possible.
any donations would go first to the vet appointment and cat food, then the other needs in order of priority. will keep updating this, i know its a lot and i really don't expect anything, i am begging for help with any of this
we are both students, we are trying to work towards stability, while being stuck here. i do everything i can to bring in money to support us on my own. we make 200 less than rent is monthly. i am in school to become a caseworker so i am aware of a lot of resources in my area, and have applied for everything, but we can not do this alone which is why i have to ask for help. i am so sorry for having to do this but i appreciate any support that i do have because of this website. you guys literally save my life. helping out other poor people and getting helped out on here has been the most compassion ive ever been a part of. dollars, even pennies, worth of donations has kept my cat safe, has affected me in real ways. it actually matters to us, no matter the amount.
thank you anyone who reblogs, donates anything, or reaches out.
*
p*ypal email (best): [email protected]
v*nmo: @tobler707
c*shapp: $tobler707
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pansear-doodles · 9 months
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its time i talk about the person who left a dent on me
the worst part of my trauma when it comes to it being connected to people i was once close with is that my perspective of what makes of them reminders of them (i do this to anyone im close with- whether it is a symbol or a certain appearance or trait or event)
little bit of serious talk here folks, so i apologize for the unexpected. hope you have the filters.
for most of my internet life, it was almost only me. completely unfiltered. came to deviantart first. became popular at an early age because of what i was doing in the fnaf fandom- it was not good for my mental health.
my groomer has a sona that never changes by design. he's always depicted as an orange fox with black long hair, black beanie and striped jacket. he likes fps games, especially the resident evil series- having associated me with Mia from resident evil 7. he likes fnaf (we met through fnaf... while i was like 14 i think- while he was 9 years older than me). he draws well... i guess. in pokemon form, he would be a jolteon. i would be a pansear. he would be the fox. i would be the rabbit.
as a child i was very impressionate, overly emotional, and cringe (ofc). i would be best friends with my groomer after finding out we shared many common interests and kept talking to each other about it- and then later fess up i have romantic feelings for him.
this would have been the opportunity for him to back up and say no.
but he didn't say no.
we continued off and became a couple. not many people batted an eye on how questionable it was for a 15 year old to be in a relationship with a 24 year old. almost nobody, save for a few concerned friends (and one stranger on Transformice) who i ignored unfortunately, talked it up with me to leave him. i held our relationship as a sort of defense mechanism. i relied on him to make me feel happy. i did a lot of things with him, and including those of the unsavory before i became of age. (i ever regret doing them- but how would i have known- i wasn't the adult here. he was.)
oh and have i mentioned he said the (un)iconic "you're pretty mature for your age." to me
you know whats one of the funniest weirdest shit about our relationship events was? he would show me this club penguin vid where there is a troll making crude remarks and harass someone (presumably a kid). that brotherman bill cp video. he would recite and memorize the song while blindfolded. ironic how he turns out to be in the end.
the wake up call was when he retweeted nsfw of an underage fictional character. seeing that purged my stomach.
yes. it was nsfw of a fictitious minor that was the nail to the coffin. nothing else. i was so delusioned. so troubled. i couldnt see anything else problematic until that happened.
it was so hard for me to let go of him. thankfully i had friends who comforted me and stuck with me through the whole way through. i was on my bed crying.
we've been in close contact for 5 years. i was convincing myself to stay on a doomed relationship because i didnt know what to do- i was already broken and unwell. i was very co-dependent (and i think some of those negative traits still follow me to this day- learning how to get out of that though). my groomer has left a large gap of my mind when we broke off- i revolved so much stuff around him.... and i forgot a lot of memories because of the trauma- taking even the happy unrelated to him ones with it.
i cared too much. and as someone who draws fast- you can imagine how much ive done.
my old files are infested with his likeness. i know i can just delete them but theres so much. so many. it is utterly revolting to see it all and the memories that come with it.
but as time went on, im starting to care less and less about what has happened between us. i am still traumatized of course and a lot of the negative things followed me, but i am healing somewhat and thats what matters i think. most of the things ive associated with him- the connection is fading. i have separated fnaf from him. i no longer associate orange foxes with him. i am comfortable drawing characters in black beanies.
if there is anything i should be grateful for, is that im no longer with him and im happier with someone else. im thankful for the friends who have helped me cope out of that shitfest.
if you know who this person is, i advise you not to witchhunt and harrass him. i dont know what hes doing and honestly i dont give a fuck on how he's doing. he should get help honestly. it is me, myself the victim, who has the say on the matter- and my say is to leave out of his sight.
if you are a minor and someone older than you does these similar things to you, please let your parents and friends know immediately. please be safe.
if my groomer ever reads this, somehow, then to him i say: i am not afraid of you and i do not care about you anymore.
thank you for reading.
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gildeddlily · 1 year
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needing a real backstory for kunikida
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"he was a math teacher" it's the shadiest thing I've ever heard
saw a video with "christmas kids" by roar on my fyp, with basically traumatized ada and fukuzawa being the dad everybody headcanon him as, and all the comments were like "and then there's kunikida the ex math teacher"
... there are people out there who consider kunikida as the normal and non-mentally-ill detective? the "only normal one"? man's one of the less normal of the group, and the thing that helps making him so strange is his damned backstory
the non existing one, yeah
(and he wasn't really a math teacher, he dropped out of college and was a teacher like two days a week, it was just a side job)
he's the most passionate about protecting people and the one who most values their life (yes, the kids getting killed and bombed, yes. he is deeply traumatized, yes), and everyone thinks of him as the best person at the agency, Ranpo made it clear in season 3.
(his morals are... even if you don't like the concept of morals, he's a little fucked up like anyone else. he's the one who was ready to leave a homeless 18ys orphan on the streets cause he could have caused troubles to the agency (at the end he did but he deserved all the love in the world so nothing against him) and proceeded to attacked said orphan in a restaurant and in front of everyone when atsushi said he knew something about one of their cases. So yeah, just the way he's always screaming ab "the agency reputation" is kinda suspicious, especially when he doesn't consider asl something dangerous for their reputation tackling a teenager on the floor. he cares about the agency's reputation, but in his own personal way)
(he's about to break atsushi's arm like it's a spaghetto. even if he just wanted it to be an... incentive to talk, it was mad man. dazai osamu had to stop him)
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(or the oh so famous mischaracterization where he's the most polite person in the world? he's there talking shit about dazai every two panels, and ends up being rude to almost everyone)
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or just his relationship with dazai.
he hates the way dazai always tries new suicide methods and talks abou it while they're working (we all know he hates it cause he cares but let him think we believe he does it just "for the agency reputation") but he doesn't hate Dazai. one thing I hate is fanfictions where Kunikida is a fucking asshole who treats Dazai badly for no reason (the "stop nagging me" trend cause he tells dazai to work? that's literally the most normal thing ever happened in this story).
He respects him and recognise his intellect and EVIDENTLY trusts him. just this part up here, it's the first chapter and he has that look that just tells "im gonna trust for this" (we know you care for him stoop) (not comparing them to soukoku, that's another thing. stop talking shit about one of the two partnership just because you ignore the bond both chuuya and kunikida share with that lucky man) (wish I was him)
(and Dazai definitely has some sort of respect for him. Kunikida has been exposed, like everyone else, to some real atrocities and still respects his ideals in every way he can, and from Dazai perception he's the definition of human, just like Chuuya. I like to think that the years spent with Chuuya teached him a lot of things like this, and him more than anyone else would respect the strength Kunikida has. he probably still think of him as a little naive, but is our man really so innocent? he knows that his ideals cannot always be respected. he doesn't believe in a stupid utopia where the world he wish for is real, and he makes compromises with this truth)
(love the duo)
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his respect for Fukuzawa is the thing (with his ability) that messes everything up even more. he hates authority (gonna kin him rn) and is something almost foregone, since he values so much human's life. it's impossible for him to enjoy something like politics and politicians with the way he lives, and at the same time he respects so deeply Fukuzawa, that is in fact authority to him.
so
some could say it's because Fukuzawa trained him so they know each other but than how did fukuzawa starts training a college student? how the hell did these two met?
I refuse to think it was something normal like idk, Kunikida was interested in martial arts and met him and they drank something together. and even if it was something "innocent", fukuzawa's history with dealing with teenagers (kunikida joined the agency before he was twenty) is "you're traumatized, I am too, let's become a family and heal each other" (not really but almost just trust me) so yes, he saw something in kunikida so he wasn't just a nobody who ended up here like nothing
maybe Fukuzawa knew that he was what the Agency needed, someone so strong and human, ready to die for what he believed in, working with people who all had a twisted sense of morality
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he's so silly
and his ability.
just
yeah he has the "poor growing up" vibes (and I say it as someone who is definitely not rich and has had their bad months) and I believe in the "abilities generated from trauma" theory, so someone who can create small and daily things out of paper definitely had a problem having them in other ways, and used his ability to survive. so stop saying he's not traumatized, everybody in this manga is so shut up
(we need the real backstory) (we're not gonna get it cause Asagiri at the end of fifteen wrote a paragraph talking ab how he loves to see fans making headcanons. so yeah gonna headcanon his childhood till I'm dead)
(his relationship with Katai is suspicious, I'm not talking about our man obvious homosexuality but the bond itself. gotta work more ab them) (I'm joking) (or am I)
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Alright, today yesterday I read chapters 17-21 and I sure have a lot of thoughts about Rhysand now. can you guess if theyre positive or negative? I'll give you a hint, its not the one that starts with a p
But before we get into that, can I just say, why the hell is everything happening so goddamn quickly YOURE ALL IMMORTAL. like, heres a rough timeline of acomaf so far: three months of Feyre being miserable in Spring post-UTM, then Rhysand takes her for one week, then Feyre's back in Spring for three weeks, then Rhysand takes her again for one week, then its less than three weeks of Feyre being back in Spring before Tamlin locks her in the manor and Rhysand and Mor take her back to the Night Court. Its been barely half a year! The reason Im bringing that up is first of all, it very much seems like Feyre is already beginning to warm up Rhysand at this point when that is absolutely not enough time for that after what he did to her. And second of all, theyre already demanding so much of her when everyone except for Rhys hasnt even spent 24 hours with her in total. And she just agrees to everything?? Right off the bat, basically the only way this makes any sense is if Rhysand is mind controlling her
Also, this is only semi-related, but i swear I remember Mor wearing a red dress to their first get-together at the HoW and Feyre not reacting to it at all ?? Also, Cassian siphons, they were specifically like a fire-y red what the hell. Now, was that just a mistake or did Rhysand use his mind powers to turn off the part of Feyre's brain that gets triggered at the sight of the color red so she wouldnt ruin his family reunion? You decide.
Alright, now lets talk about Feyre. Ive had some trouble properly analysing her the past few chapters because I was really focused on trying to figure out what exactly made her so unhappy at the spring court vs why she likes the night court so much when they seem very similar. It seemed like her motivation was flip-flopping all over the place, similar to chapters 1-3, but she already came across as far less traumatized somehow, so it felt weird that she would still have so much trouble really articulating what she wants, even to herself. But then I realized, its not that shes flip-flopping, her motivations are just contradictory; she wants to be an important political player who gets to Do Stuff but she doesnt want anyone to pay any attention to her, which is why having an empty title and no actual power staying in a city full of people who dont care if their high lord is just walkin around right beside them is so appealing
And its really frustrating because its another instance of her just getting what she wants right away instead of having to go through any character development. Shes bad at communicating and instead of even attempting to work on that, she just gets a mindreader for a soulmate, and she cant do smalltalk with nobles in order to earn their respect as Lady of Spring and instead of learning to adapt or putting her foot down and refusing to deal with the courtly bullshit at the cost of her political power, she just gets a leadership position that was quite literally made for her.
Somewhat related to Feyre being bad at politicking, they keep bringing up the fact that Tamlin just wanted her to throw parties and wear pretty dresses and maybe pop out some sons at the spring court and its just so annoying. Of course, much has already been said about how ironic it is when you consider how she ends up in ACOSF so Im not gonna go into detail on that but I did want to mention it. Also, parties and other social gatherings were a pretty important way for (noble) women who were kept out of politics to still participate in them in the past, and even if we take out the misogyny that just suddenly materialized in this book, Feyre cant read, doesnt know this land and barely knows what its like being the daughter of a rich guy, much less an actual noblewoman, of course she cant do much but sit around and reassure people that everything is gonna be alright by virtue of her presence
Speaking of the weird misogyny, its so baffling to me the reason shes being objectified and dehumanized (no pun intended) is that shes a woman whos seen as only good for child-rearing, when it really should be her being objectified and being dehumanized by being put on a pedestal for being the Saviour Of Prythian. It seems so obvious like, Ive been rotating some ideas for an ACOMAF-rewrite AU type thing in my head since before I even started reading this book, and one of the first things I decided was that everyone was gonna call feyre The Cursebreaker and nothing else and she would feel really weird and bad about it. I literally dont think anything wouldve changed if her being objectified was a more personal issue rather than something resulting from systemic misogyny, other than the fact that Rhysand couldnt be a feminist in-universe if that was the case
Now, before I move on to the next thing I wanted to talk about, I wanna quickly explain what I mean by "the misogyny just materialized in the second book" because some people might say "oh, but the first book had misogyny as well" and it definitely did but not to the same extent. ACOTAR was kinda weird because it seems to be a pretty egalitarian world, Feyre doesnt think its weird that a woman is a mercenary and while considering that the Spring Court might have a High Lady instead of a High Lord, she doesnt say anything about how it would unusual to have a woman be a leader, but it has this coating of "period-typical misogyny" over it, seemingly just because its what you expect from these kinds of pseudo-medieval european-inspired fantasy settings
So you still get all women being expected to wear dresses and Feyre being an exception for not wanting to wear one and when Feyre daydreams about getting rid of her sisters, she daydreams about marrying them off rather than daydream about them getting jobs or something. But even with that, while Feyre is considered a bit strange for not wanting to wear a dress at the Spring Court, she still ultimately gets to just wear pants without it being a big deal. And then we get to ACOMAF and suddenly theres FGM thats completely normalized, domestic abuse, women being expected to do child rearing and "continue the bloodline" by default even though children were supposed to be super rare and fae should absolutely not structure their lives around them and Feyre being absolutely baffled at the idea of a political leader having a second-in-command thats a woman. And again, it very much seems like the only reason for that is that it makes Rhysand look better if hes recuing women in general from systemic inequality, rather than just rescuing a single woman from her personal problems
And with that, lets finally talk about my most detested, Rhysand Nolastname. He fucking sucks man. In a past post I made a point about comparing specifically ACOTAR!Tamlin with specifically ACOMAF!Rhys because it thought it made sense to compare Tamlin when hes written as a love interest to Rhys being written as a love interest, but honestly, theres so little difference between Tamlin being written as an antagonist in ACOMAF and Rhys being written as a love interest that it feels kinda pointless now. Like, Feyre is upset that Tamlin wont tell her anything about the politics happening, but is inexplicably fine with Rhysand not telling her what he wants from the summer court, she hates meeting with Tamlins associates and having meaningless smalltalk with them but likes meeting Rhysand's, she doesnt like Tamlin flaunting his wealth but is fine with all of Rhysand's expensive bullshit, literally the only difference between them is that Feyre likes one and and hates the other, again, for no real reason because they are the same. Well, the same in their treatment of Feyre, Rhysand is arguably a worse person who has done and is still doing a lot more harm on a larger scale but Im posting this in the anti-rhys tag so you already knew that
Anyway, thats it for now, this got kinda long but I hope you enjoyed it
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lakesbian · 2 months
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@theiaphage ok i'm just going to make this into a post because tumblr replies have a really short character limit and i can go on At Length while im explaining alec vasil. the short answer is that:
Brian, Lisa and Taylor had their own dynamic.  They were friends.  He considered Brian a friend, but it was more along the lines of someone he could play video games with, talk about movies.  It wasn’t much different from if they were coworkers or roommates.  He smiled at the thought.  They kind of were, when it came down to it. Regent knew he was a background character, for the most part.  He played along, he didn’t make waves, he didn’t stand out.  He wasn’t close to any of the others.
(interlude 10) alec knows exactly where he stands with the team--i.e., that he's not close friends with anyone, and his relationship with brian is 'work friend i could talk about movies with.' there's no actual intimacy there, and he knows this, and he wouldn't cross the boundary of inserting himself into brian's personal home life to fuck with his car for A Bit.
the longer answer re what his dynamic with brian and aisha is actually like after she joins the team is this entire post which is good and i love. it's a crucial cornerstone of alec's character that he's deeply lonely. that's why his power is the ability to force people to help him or act like they care about, with the ironic twist that he can't force them to actually care about him, and he's aware how much they hate him the entire time. his entire life, he's been lonely and isolated and abused, he's been taught that no one will ever deeply care about him or want to support him, and he's learned his only options are either to be like his father and take it by force, or to just live as "a background character" and try to convince himself that he's okay with that.
so, it's meaningful for him that he has a light friendship with brian. it's not enough to change how isolated he is, it's not enough to change that he's not part of the more emotionally intimate brian-lisa-taylor dynamic he mentions. but it's a crumb of affection for a boy who's had virtually none for his entire life.
after he meets aisha, what i describe in the linked post happens:
brian doesn't get to be a teenage boy playfighting with another teenage boy anymore--now he has to be Brian Adultguy Laborn, Responsible, Firm-Handed Older Brother. he feels the need to place himself above alec & aisha, become an authority figure capable of keeping her safe. it's why they start eye-rolling and calling him & taylor "team mom and dad."
and the whole dynamic shift is so bittersweet because. alec is best friends with aisha. aisha is the closest he's ever been to anyone in his whole life. they have a deeply meaningful and intimate connection, one that's so powerful for alec that he ultimately decides that he'd rather die for aisha than live in a world without her. for the first time in his entire life, he's found someone who really gets him, and who trusts him to understand them back. but it comes at the cost of brian drifting away from him, not because of anyone's fault, but just because brian is traumatized in a specific way that means he doesn't know how to navigate aisha being on the team without treating alec poorly. over the span of just a few months he goes from playfully bantering with alec to sneeringly telling him to be quiet when the adults (i.e. him and some other people who are, like, 17) are talking. (& there's hints of this tendency of brian's even early in worm, when he like...chides alec for going 'woo triple headshot :)' abt his video game while taylor and brian are talking, but it's not even half as bad as it is after aisha joins.)
and alec does not react to this by clinging to him or by overestimating how close they are, nor by needing "a stern talking to" that educates him. brian tries to give him Stern Talking To's quite a few times in the book, and it's more or less always 1. condescending and unnecessary or 2. not unnecessary, but too condescending to be useful. and alec's reaction is never to go "oh ok i see sorry," even if brian is fully in the right--the way brian delivers it means that alec's ptsd toes are getting stepped allllll over and he reacts by just being dismissive and passive aggressively annoying until brian gives up/decides it's not worth the effort. i.e. exactly how alec has been trained to react to people scolding him as a child in order to minimize the vulnerabilities via which he could be targeted for abuse. guy who doesn't know how to express displeasure with someone without mimicking his shitty father & his tragic friendship breakup with guy who doesn't know how to react to someone expressing displeasure w/ him from a position of authority without responding like he's trying to avoid giving his shitty father a way to hurt him more than he already is. it's sad. :(.
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fyodorloveclub · 11 months
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Ok, children time! What if BSD men got their dearest pregnant, BUT she got not one, but twins or EVEN triplets. I have headcannon that some wants one child (maybe Fyodor/Gogol/Sigma), other wants more than one, but later (maybe Dazai/Mori/Kunikida) and some wants big family (maybe Odasaku/Chuuya/Fukuzawa). Still, all of them will be like: 🤯😲😳
~🩺
oooooooh i love this hefjehehe here are my thoughts under the cut just bc it got long lolz
fyodor: just 1 or 2, i have always hced him to have a breeding kink but i personally don't really see him wanting a ton of kids. but he def wants at least one as an "heir" of sorts, to know that his ideals won't die with him alone. he'd def be shocked by the news of twins at first but just sweetly kisses you on the forehead and reassures you you'll get through it together <3
nikolai: im sorry i can't really see him wanting kids at all sdfkljsdlfjk
sigma: he'd def want 2 or 3, he wants a family that's all his and wants to be surrounded by a bunch of mini you's ehehehe though i think it would take a long time for him to feel ready and safe enough to have and raise kids. sigma would fucking pass out if he found out you were having multiples just because he doesn't feel like he's even less ready for that but ends up being very very excited :")
dazai: it would be pretty late into your relationship before dazai felt comfortable having kids, he'd have to be pretty settled down. i can see him not really ever having them, just in some traumatic fear of them having to go through what he did, even if its not a logical fear. i think he would find a lot of joy in being a dad, and finally actually feel like he has a purpose in life and a reason to keep living (besides u obvi). i don't think he really has a specific number in mind, just kind of whatever happens, happens. he'd be such a good dad :( and he would think its funny as hell if you found out you were pregnant with multiples like tears in his eyes laughing as yall watch the ultrasound💀
mori: he has a breeding kink but he also has his hands full with elise and the pm. but if he ever hands off the leader title to someone else i can see him very happily settling down with his lover and a few kids in a pretty house out in the countryside <3 very very gleeful to have multiples i think he'd fucking love if you somehow miraculously had triplets dlkslkdfj
odasaku: wants a HUGE fucking family. so many kids. he loves kids clearly as we've already seen. it would make him so so happy to raise a family with you and to be a dad, he would feel so fulfilled sdkljfdsk GOD he'd actually smile <3 such a beautiful perfect man so dad shaped im so in love with him. oda would be a fucking amazing partner to have while pregnant he'd wait on you hand and foot and just kiss all over and love all over you im crying real tears rn
chuuya: honestly i think chuuya could take or leave kids, he's not super set on either. he'd be very happy to have a family with you but he's not necessarily going to go super out of his way to make it happen. just, if you have a kid then you have a kid, and he'll love them with his whole heart <3 i can see chuuya being somewhat similar to dazai in that he'd be a bit hesitant to bring a child into the world that treated him so badly, but in the end would be so happy to be a dad. also probably passes out if he finds out ur having twins/triplets
fukuzawa: just because fukuzawa is already older and has his hands full with the ada, he probably would only want 1 or 2, though i think in theory he'd be really happy to have a big family. he wants to be able to keep up with his kids while he still can, and not be too old to really enjoy their childhood. and he already raised ranpo so 💀 DEF shocked and a little dizzy by the news of multiples but i think he'd eventually come around to it and carry around pictures of the ultrasound to anyone who would listen, and show off his pregnant partner to everybody :")
kunikida: whereas the other guys here don't have too strict of a plan and kind of just, whatever happens happens, kunikida is the fucking polar opposite. he knows exactly how many kids he wants to have, how old he is going to be when he has them, what schools they're going to attend, what the nursery is going to look like, and exactly how he's going to take care of his pregnant lover. i'd guess maybe 2-3? and he'd also have it planned out exactly how many years apart they'd be fsdlkjkldsfj and you having multiples would either result in a meltdown bc he wasn't prepared for 2 or 3 babies at once, or he was super ready and already has a plan for that ldkfjlksjfd im leaning towards the first just bc he's not really a man of compromise
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millenniumdueled · 9 months
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hey I know there's already so many posts going around d asking for help so I feel really disgusting doing this again, I feel like I don't deserve it when other people are suffering too but im
drowning
I had to call in to work Wednesday and call our emoloyee help line because I was feeling so suicidal over financial stress and now I'm once again unable to stop crying. I just got the paycheck that I was leeching off of during my time off and
I can't afford to pay my rent. I'm $200 short even after taking my savings down to the minimum of $300 I have to maintain to not get charged a fee. I have less than $2 in my emergency checking.
I don't really expect anyone to help. it's my own fault for using time off work as an excuse to go to the bar one night and to eat out twice and I knew damn well I had no business doing either of them I just got caught up wanting to go out since my mental health has been really, really bad and I've been really, painfully unhappy every single day. I hadn't gone out since emo night in February and I don't know how to make irl friends without going places that cost money. I'm so lonely and depressed I just really wanted a chance to make a friend and get to spend time with someone in person again. and I did, I had a great night and played pool and made a friend and we're planning to meet up again but
it feels so much like it wasn't worth it and I knew I didn't deserve to go out and have that fun and I did it anyway
I'm rambling but owning my own mistakes and actions is important to me. I want to be honest that I didn't get fucked over with bills, I did something stupid and selfish and ungrateful and spent almost $100 during a week off work just for funsies. it's why I hate hate hate HATE myself for having to ask for help. I should have to suffer the consequences of my actions so I don't do it again
I have a hair appointment this month I'm already going to have to cancel because I can't afford it. and that's fine, even though it means risking being blacklisted by the only hair salon I've ever not been disappointed or traumatized by
but with student loan repayment starting up again very soon, I can't. empty my savings. I can't lose my entire next paycheck transferring it early to pay my rent.
I can't take any commissions. I have one big one I've been putting off since January bc I'm scared of starting it and it never being good enough. I've been working on another "simple" commission for a month. I don't want to make promises that I can't keep. maybe in the future I can take some more, but I'm not even entertaining the option until I finish what I started.
my pay pal is @MRheuble and venmo is @jupitertrash, or I have tips set up on my personal blog
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pet-cemetery-emotes · 1 month
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exsqueeze me
OKAY slash gen for a sec but. Actually, hang on im struggling to figure out the most concise and polite way to say this but. Im gonna try!
You can take my emojis and run! It's free, and easy! Collect them in a burner Discord server if you have Nitro! Pop em in a server with every antiendo in the world. idgaf, i genuinely dont want to limit who has the ability to vocalize themselves. I dont think accessibility should hinge on being the correct kind of person, or not being "annoying", or not being traumatized in a consumable or polite way. We're all on our own journeys. I hope we all arrive at a place where we can be compassionate to each other, even if we will never understand each other. So anyone on god's green earth can use my emojis.
But anti-endo rhetoric is triggering to me. And I've said this before, in addition to the paragraph above - Do not interact with me if you are anti-endo! I will block you, for my own safety and peace of mind. You can still access my emojis by viewing them from desktop at this link if you Really want them. Anon, this ask was the least tactful thing you could've done. You could not have found a more direct way to make yourself known to me, and you are summarily IP blocked for it. Lol
I'm giving anyone who reads this permission to not tell me things. It's okay. These are free to use stickers, and I mean that. I hope you use them with kindness in your hearts, but that is out of my hands. Whether or not I would like you should matter way less than your ability to advocate for and express yourself, and if using my work is the easiest way to do that, then I want you to take that. :)
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namethatghostling · 8 months
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Please tell us EVERYTHING about your dyke scarecrow au🎃🐦‍⬛
ghjk its not even rly like a full fledged au or anything i just resonate so heavily w the character and i was like. sure ok everyones making their own version of their fav rogues, why not me? so basically shes just like a mishmash of all my favorite interpretations and adaptations of the character with a heavy sprinkling of Gender
(also some vaguely paranormal spooky shit bc im so obsessed w scarecrows potential as like an actual horror character. in my version its left deliberately unclear if scarecrow the villain is %100 a persona made up by jon or if its a literal possessing force that has haunted her from childhood. make of it what u will.)
the whole origin story thing goes a little like this. jon crane (she/he/they/it), born johanna keeny, was raised by his fundie xtian grandma, mary keeny, in a farming town in georgia. from childhood she was kind of an oddball, and had a strange preoccupation with fear, loving ghost stories and occasionally menacing the crows that were common on the family land just to see them scatter.
they were always booksmart but also pretty socially inept. bullied at school and either ignored or brutally "disciplined" at home, she found consolation and comfort in books, everything from classic literature to dense scientific texts to trashy pulp horror. jon also struggled with (largely undiagnosed/untreated) chronic pain and, as a result, sleep issues. when she was able to sleep she often experienced sleep paralysis which manifested in nightmares and waking hallucinations of the scarecrow in the field outside the window speaking to her. its voice was wretched like nails scraping glass, but it spoke kindly to them, promising to protect them from the true nightmare that was yet to come. jon tried not to listen. she considered herself too sensible to believe in boogiemen. but as she got older things got worse, her body and mind continued to act against her, certain secrets regarding her sexuality came to light, followed by a confrontation with her granny after she began to threaten her with the promise of "exorcism"...
eventually, jon was left with no choice but to let the scarecrow handle things.
more assorted infodumping below the cut
after using the meager inheritance left by dear departed granny to pursue higher education in gotham, jon legally changed their name both in order to make it harder to track down their history and as a final spiteful gesture, taking the surname of the man grandma keeny had blamed for the corruption of her daughter.
legally she is still johanna and doesnt necessarily mind her given name but still vastly prefers jon. a very select few people are allowed to call her jonny, and NO ONE is allowed to call her joni/joanie any variant thereof.
their rise to villainy is still mostly the same since thats one thing that is generally p consistent in canon. professor of psychology, not well liked by students or staff, secretly working on a pet project involving testing the affects of fear on the human mind with some less than willing test subjects, yadda yadda yadda
scarecrow both is and isnt a separate entity from jon. jon, being scientifically minded, most of the time considers scarecrow to be the natural result of a traumatic childhood manifesting in a protector figure that gains control of their shared body during moments of intense stress or panic. this is true! in certain less rational moments however she believes it to be a completely foreign being, a literal demon that has plagued her family line for generations, like granny always said. this is also true! how can both of those things be factually correct? figure it out yourself!
scarecrow is always eager to wreak some havoc on anyone who gets in jon's way, but as for jon, he has refused to directly inflict violence on anyone since his grandmother. she was his first and last. jon's far from a pacifist, but hes also not bloodthirsty, and scarecrow begrudgingly respects his wishes. after all, its better if the test subjects stay alive as long as possible anyway.
jon has hypermobile eds. as a kid they used to freak out their classmates by messing around with their double joints and stretching out their skin. it became a lot less fun for them in adolescence when the background hum of joint pain suddenly teamed up with their growing pains, also made worse by grannys dislike of doctors delaying their diagnosis for years and their refusal to use mobility aids when they needed them out of fear of the bullying getting any worse. they finally gave in and started regularly using a cane in college but sometimes theyll still try to go without it. not great.
also related to the above, she has had kind of a fucked relationship with self medicating to deal with pain in the past. and in the present to a degree. also kind of a fucked relationship with pain in general.
probably autistic and definitely experiences some flavor of paranoid psychosis and ptsd but was never diagnosed with either because 1) they knew it would impact their ability to pursue their field of choice since they would always be considered "too close" when it came to matters of psychology and 2) theyre pretty sure theres nothing another doctor could tell them about themself that they dont already know and better.
masks like their life depends on it in public and pretty well most of the time. people for sure know theres something up with that crane guy but not enough to really give a shit most of the time. fucking hates stimming around other people. fucking HATES being treated as infantile or less capable.
one of the many benefits of becoming scarecrow, whether in terms of the villain persona or the being that is and isnt jon, is being able to be a lot more visibly bizarre without being treated like a child. instead people just treat it like a threat, which it prefers greatly.
vocal stim of quoting lines from favorite books, old nursery rhymes, and even the occasional half-remembered church song. jons grandmothers religion was largely a burden she dropped as soon as she could, but unfortunately they kinda went off with the southern gospel.
she had her first kiss with a girl from her class after sneaking away from a halloween party together. they got caught and after the news got out the girl hurriedly got back together with her ex boyfriend to protect herself from the inevitable backlash. scarecrow thinks she should have gone the way of dear old granny, but jon stubbornly disagrees to this day despite it all.
people generally think jon is older than he is. this used to bother him but now hes kind of into the whole weathered old butch vibe. certified queer elder moment.
still as much of a nerdass bookworm as she was as a kid. cried until she made herself sick the first time she read carrie. will take this to her grave.
of course theres more but once again this is fuckin long enough already.
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nonbinarygamzee · 9 months
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i feel a little guilty for this bc i do genuinely think one of the only appeals of "fandom" for me at least wrt homestuck is looking for projects where people are doing cool things, but i am sinply just not going to care about it if clown isnt involved. and im also very much going to notice if clown uninvolvement is rooted in vilifying them where you allow other "complex" characters to grow and learn. you dont have to like gamzee you dont have to focus on gamzee if you dont but like.... it is increasingly tiring to see the rest of the antagonistic(used so loosely here stay with me) trolls treated like complex characters while the one who is undeniably, deeply racist and ableist in their depiction/framing AND is the child who actively works for the child abuse demon is just thrown aside as unsalavagble evil not worth examination, usually with some half assed comment about being an abusive man.
like. i love vriska genuinely i do. but if we can blame all of gamzees intricate issues on the notion they are a capital m Man and somehow erase the fact this is also a child and a very bad-faith coded one at that, then why is is still so illegal to utter anything about vriska invoking a very very white woman centric abuse of power + refusal to engage her past when she changes...? like i dont get into my identity shit on here but i am a lesbian and i am a traumatized person who has crazied in ugly ways bc of my abuse, i understand as much as anyone else why vriska deserves to be looked at with complexity and sympathy and its undeniable a lot of what happened wrt fandom bullshit related to her was rooted in misogyny but my god am i sick of the refusal to engage with other forms of marginalization ESPECIALLY alongside the insinuation people were not horrifically harrassed for those reasons with gamzee or their attachment is inherently more vapid than others. theres thoughts i have wrt treating gamzee likers as stupid and incapable of analytical reading (and therefore less valuable to hear from regardless of other things that may tie them to this extremely loaded piece of media) which hits on weeeeird biases on its own but ok back to my hole.
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impunkster-syndrome · 2 months
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my reply on that post was about the idea that the fandom would be unwelcoming to plural folk. i basically said that i myself am plural and that while we cannot control the actions of the fandom, we absolutely curate bad behavior in the fancord where we can catch it, and obviously do not discourage sch fictives considering *i* am a clown with fictives.
but i will add since im here that kitty blocking you is not because you Dared to criticize kit. it's because all of the dogpiling and negativity was unbelievably stressful, you all behave as if there is no person behind the screen, or that she is trying to hide behind trauma as an 'excuse.' that is Not the case. kitty blocked, and will continue to block, every single person involved with those blogs just because again, it was so stressful as a traumatized individual. so much toxicity buried any potentially Good criticisms. we Hear yall on the issues like barry not being drawn as fat as he usee to be anymore, or polly missing their cane, we Will rectify actual issues like that.
we welcome issues being brought up and have listened many times before. the fact of the matter is is that no one was going about it constructively at all.
While I do interact with some criticism blogs, I legitimately don't care for some of the criticism from blogs and approach the media as someone entirely new to it. Media analysis is my hobby, and I see so much potential in Sparklecare plus the related media like the therapy spinoff as someone who has dealt with stuff like systemic ableism and interpersonal ableism. I think some of the criticism blogs don't exactly focus on the bigger issues at hand- the lack of nuance, pacing, the high barrier of entry to being able to understand the media through expecting readers to have done hours of scrolling through social media for lore, the problems of not having page numbers on the site visible and not being able to easily skip to specific pages, etc. However, you do not help yourself here by clearly never having actually read and understood my posts. In fact, I do see some staff acting like trauma makes the media immune to criticism, when trauma can make beautiful art that can speak to people at a core level like Alice: Madness Returns. It just can't get that good without people actually being able to point out things that can be fixed and improved upon. The timing for being blocked despite never actually interacting with the main sparklecare blog plus the posts about how people shouldn't take it as anything other than vent art despite the site's about page itself claiming it is a social commentary tell me that it was about my posts and critique of the media as what it claims itself to be. I had never seen anyone else talk about it in that way in the tags, which was astounding to me as someone that reads social commentary like Discworld and is currently working through Lolita so I can write about the objectification of CSA survivors and erasure of our stories and identities by abusers. If it was never meant to be seen as social commentary, that needs to be removed from the site.
I approach it less like a disappointed fan and more like a creative because I've been in Kittycorn's position at about the same age- 15. I wanted to make a twine game about my trauma and abuse I was still undergoing because I wanted to know why I was being abused and it was a cry for someone to help me. There were also many other projects, and some that I have refined over time. I have OCs I talk about and I use them to explore parts of myself. This is my disability blog too, and I'm going to have opinions on disability-related media and representation in it.
I honestly suggest you read over the posts I have written about Sparklecare and then reevaluate if you think I am coming from a malicious place like you seem to think I am.
As for the alterhuman thing, I will say that it was from publicly available information at the time. I'm not going to be in a fandom discord when I have stuff like a job to worry about and the whole media is a migraine risk to me.
Also- I've seen some staff literally tokenize Kittycorn and act like kits schizophrenia is what makes kit excused from all critique. The holding up of kit as a bully victim and not a 23 year old person able to handle kits own issues is infantilizing to disabled people. We can handle our own shit. You personally need to learn the line between bullying and publicly discussing media that was made public, as someone who got extensively bullied in school for years. It's not the same thing here. Kittycorn is a person behind the screen- but so are the people you proclaim as bullies and dehumanize by acting like all criticism is unfounded or coming from "bad people."
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lilweaselhub · 7 months
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Okay so no one asked---but time for me to randomly be feral about Spinel. I don't plan on making this SUPER coherent or anything mostly because I've been running on fumes for a MINUTE now.
But recently, I was asked what I think the difference is between good spinel content and bad spinel content and well thats a loaded question.
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Before I say ANYTHING about anything for anyone who reads this, I would like to preface;
These are my personal opinions on her character and I really don't care too much if you agree or disagree. Whatever makes you happy is fine with me. You can disagree and be entitled to that opinion.
That being said; I'm just going to come right out and cut to the chase before we even get started.
I don't like how the Steven Universe movie ended. I don't think Spinel going with the Diamonds was a good idea && Spinel in SU future was a major let down for me.
There. if you don't like ^^^^ that statement right there && if you don't think you can handle someone disagreeing with how she was handled I'd stop right here.
For anyone else; Allow me to explain.
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When Spinel is introduced in the movie, it is immedietly clear that she is no typical adversary of the crystal gems. Shes incredibly cunning, and actually acknowledges steven as his own person. -&& seeks vengence anyway.
Despite KNOWING steven is a stranger.
Something we don't see in any other gem that the crystal gems go up against from homeworld. I'd argue this makes Spinel one of the SMARTEST gems we see.
The other thing thats immedietly apparent is just how VIOLENT and ANGRY she is. Her entire song 'other friends' gives the audience immediate insight that she knew pink diamond and knew pink PERSONALLY. She has a very personal vendetta, and is lashing out.
now im not going to analyse every single scene in this movie. I'm far too tired for that. Besides, we know it by heart by now. Everyones done it. But all of this to SAY-; what many people have pointed out is that Pink was akin to Spinels favored person, something a lot of people who struggle with mental illness have.
ESPEICALLY those with BPD, something that has been near universally agreed on with her.
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During the first half of the movie, leading up to the garden flashback. We get to see Spinel as she was made--; before she was traumatized. How she was initially. Happy, bubbly, fun loving, and sweet. In my mind, this always was reminiscent of an allegory for childhood innocence.
A type of innocence one has before the real world hits them before they experience heartbreak, trauma, or real raw grief. Spinel in her beginning was NAIVE, and had no idea that Pink Diamond did not have the same undying loyalty and love that Spinel herself was programmed with.
Spinels feelings were not mutual, but she was too innocent at the time to really SEE This. She was too naïve and optimistic. During this time she was very much mentally like a young child.
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Time passing && the garden itself dying could even be an allegory for the death of ones childhood innocence and wonder.
What being abandoned by pink can really be alikened to with Spinel is the experience of TRAUMA. Something that udoubtedly TRANSFORMS a person---; Much like in the movie. (That whole anime girl transformation as out of left field as it is, kind of makes a lot of sense to be emphasized. Its getting a point across.)
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Trauma PERMENANTLY changes a person. For better or worse.
In spinels case--; it could be seen as a metaphor for trauma, and the effect it has on someones mental health. The Childhood innocence dying and growing up after experience significant trauma.
Spinel post transformation && in the very beginning / climax of the movie is much less naive. Much more cunning, and carries herself much older than when she was first created. While Spinel in the beginning was reminiscent of a young 8-10 year old child, spinel now reads more as a rebellious older teen to young adult. She does not have that mentality of a child anymore. She's impulisve, shes cunning, shes sarcastic and shes mad as hell.
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Spinels trauma not only mentally changed who she was as a person--it PHYSICALLY altered her. It changed her entire person. This is what trauma DOES. this is what experiencing all the grief and negative experiences of growing up DOES to you.
Abandoned, forgotten and spiteful, Spinel sets her sights on steven && co in a last ditch effort to get her version of closure---revenge on those that wronged her and threw her away like garbage.
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I would easily argue that the climax of this movie is were Spinel's character SHINES the most. This in my opinion, is one place where the movie SUCCEEDS where Future FAILS.
In the climax of the movie, we really see the moments that clinch that BPD allegory. The Back and Forth between her emotional impulse to spiral and lash out, and the desire to be better. It doesn't shy away from showing the UGLY and sometimes AGGRESSIVE symptoms of mental illness. But it doesn't necessarily villainize her.
Steven himself realizes that Spinel is not thinking logically, she's lashing out and letting emotions DRIVE her impulses.
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It shows her as she is now, flawed, impulsive, and hurting.
" Why? Why do I wanna hurt you SO badly??"
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" When you change, you change for the better---when I change I change for the WORSE."
" At least you liked the old me--"
Spinel herself acknowledges that she's changed. That experience has Permanently changed who she is, the person she once was is gone. She is mourning not only the relationship she had but the person she once WAS.
Now;------After this point in the movie is where I start having gripes. As spinel is shown through most of the movie as such a dynamic, interesting character and actual RAW representation for people who STRUGGLE to be a good person after what they went through. Individuals with UGLY symptoms and sometimes SCARY symptoms of mental illness.
Things that are strongly stigmatized in this society we live in. It was refreshing to have a character SHOW this side of mental illness and still be treated like a person, and not a MONSTER.
&& Before I start this next section, let me preface by saying i am ALL about healing journeys. 100%. I would love for Spinel to be happy, I want her to find a place to find her own and feel safe.
That being said, I want healing journeys for a character to be realisitc. I don't want a FIXED character, I want a REAL character. A character that feels like a person. A real one. Not sunshine and rainbows and a "love fixes me" type. (Ty @veroxins for verbalizing what i never quite could with her arc.)
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Unfortunately that is EXACTLY what ends up happening to Spinel though. Suddenly it feels as though they run out of an idea for how to continue her arc. && At the end of the movie they decide that the diamonds finding her amusing and bringing her back up to homeworld would be the best course of action.
&& I'd argue that at this point in the movie spinel's characterization already starts seeming odd / contradictory comparative to what we JUST saw. && this only continues with her appearance in future.
Suddenly Spinel is Happy, bubbly and kinda...naive again isn't she?
Spinel in future (and partially at the end of the movie) is kind of reverted back to her old persona. The diamonds 'love' fixes her.
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" Steven: Wait a second, you used to have vengeful thoughts. Oh, yeah! But I don't get 'em anymore. Steven: How did you make them stop? I met a little someone named "Steven Universe"! And he told me ♫ IIIII- I CAN MAKE A CHANGE! ♫ "
Whats worse than that in my opinion, is that not only do they take this representation away---and make the case that love just 'fixes' a person and puts them back to how they were--but they make spinel a joke.
They didn't even have her take stevens on struggles seriously or have them relate to each other in any meaningful way.
I like many others, hated peridots treatment for this very reason.
Not to mention--- a very important point. After all this time emphasizing how absolutely UNHEALTHY and TOXIC the power dynamic was between Pink Diamond and Spinel. WHY on earth would putting her right back in that power dynamic (x3 mind you), be condusive to her healing? At all?
I'll tell you---it wouldn't be. She's put right back in the position of being ENTERTAINMENT, a TOY. && Not being even given the CHANCE to discover her own personality, who she is now, or hell--who she ever was outside of pink.
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I noticed that a lot of peoples fixation and interest in spinel greatly reduced after the future airing and I really don't think thats a coincidence.
&& AGAIN i have to PREFACE. ;I want spinel to get better. I do.
I have no issues with that.
But trauma permenately changes someone. Thats just how it functions. Spinel is not going to just go back to how she was before her trauma. && I think it sends a more powerful message for her healing to have her find a place as she is now, and be loved for her flaws and all, while making a conscious effort to be better.
For it not to be just a quick fix, and shes back to how she was, but to have her come to terms with the new her, and find a way to reinvent herself, with her flaws and still be loved as she is. Even if she still slips up from time to time. Because mental illness is not a straight and narrow road. it has its ups, it has its downs. you get better, you relapse and then you pick up the pieces again and keep going.
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Tdlr; All of that to say. Spinel is a character that was REALLY important to me, a character that showed ugly mental illness symptoms, and didn't glorify or villainize it. A character that wasn't nice or tied up in a bow, but deserved to be loved, and deserved to have the chance to be her own person.
Outside of the diamonds, outside of pink, outside of her TRAUMA. and she never got the chance. She deserved better.
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Also---sassy, chaotic, morally grey spinel is just superior in general. She's the goat and i want her back. rn.
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sangre · 8 days
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it's wild how much people enjoy humiliating anyone on tumblr who tags for the q word in their posts. im very sorry that anyone is being conscientious of other people's experiences in a place where they have the opportunity to. its very weird to act like anyone is truly fostering an inability to tolerate the word queer when it's thrown in our faces everywhere, like especially in an academic sense used by people who certainly are just throwing it around however they want.
although i understand the desire to regularize and reclaim a word and the immense power behind the history that people have fought and that deserves celebration! one side of a coin doesn't negate the other! but like. if people on tumblr are like "don't use that for me"/"i don't love to see that word willy nilly" like how serious is it to follow that instruction bc people are REALLY keen on clowning anyone who does and it's like where do you get off, sincerely. is there nothing better to talk about than people who have been more traumatized in a way you haven't been or deal with something less well than you do? it's Weird sincerely! It's Weird and the demanding way you guys act about it is Weird! if you wanna say it then great like have your space we're happy for you but if someone says speak for yourself then let it be? it's just not hard to understand. these are very childish levels of boundary
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did-system-did · 4 months
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Long Thoughts
I feel like a ghost of who I used to be.
I thought the more effort I put into healing, processing, accepting, and integrating the less I would have to deal with the symptoms of DiD. The less I would have to worry about being different.
Somehow with age, its gotten harder. I thought it would be the opposite. I idealized a future where I could just be one, have a better memory, and retain information better. I wanted that future so badly. Maybe its still possible and I'm just prematurely discouraged, but it was so much easier B.D (before discovery).
Yeah, it was chaotic and embarrassing and all the things you can imagine from an unknowingly traumatized little girl. It was easier back then to just write off my behavior as being weird. I was just the weird, rambunctious, unpredictable little girl, pre-teen, teenager, young woman. And truthfully, I found comfort in the idea that everyone lived that way.
Leaving the emotional distress aspect out of it, I thought everyone had multiple voices and memory gaps and drastic identity changes and internal conflict with identity. So I just lived my life. I was more unstable, but I was significantly happier even through the manic/depressive episodes. It was easier to write it off as "this is just part of life!". My system worked for me.
Finding out that I'm separate from the internal family that raised me was terrifying, embarrassing, yet liberating. Terrifying because the voices I came to be familiar with weren't a norm like i thought, embarrassing because i realized the horrible, mean, weird, chaotic things i've done around people wasnt a dream but actually real life; and liberating because i spent years trying to understand the complex experience i was having and finally cracked the surface.
It was an intense discovery.
Months and a couple years later i was extremely motivated to get to the bottom of my disorder, come to terms with what happened to me, and grow as an individual. Being aware of switches was harder than being unaware, because the latter meant that those days or memories were processed as dreams or separate from reality so i have nothing to worry about. Now knowing that I'm being ripped out of my mind and body made me more erratic when it came to time and how i spent it. I wanted to prevent switches so i could live my life more.
Almost 4 years A.D, i feel... defeated. I have lived my life a certain way since childhood filled with switching, beautiful chaos, and recklessness. It was full of rambunctious people taking care of me, laughing with me, helping me with tests, saying jokes only we can hear, talking to me out loud while i wear headphones walking home from school, protecting me, and just making me feel like someone was there for me. Although it was a confusing time, i was happy. My system made me happy.
That's something i have never admit to anyone, not even my husband who is in full support and knowledge of my disorder. But growing up and until discovery, my system was one whom i, for the most part, could trust.
It's just harder now. When you're a kid theres more freedom for weird behavior, but at 24 years old i would be called crazy.
I'm not crazy, im traumatized. I'm severely torn apart and my brain led the otherwise impossible task of gluing me back together. I spent time in psych wards and crisis houses. I lived in my car and got fired from jobs. I struggle heavily because the way my brain formed itself to live isnt one that fits where i am anymore. And yet, I still need them to feel like myself.
Its painful to accept that because for so long I just wanted to be me. But I'm seeing now that its already been done. This is my brain. This isnt the type of disorder you can medicate away. My brain put itself together in this way to survive and the more i try to make my days quiet and free from my system, the sadder I've become.
This is my sign to take a different approach and be more accepting of the system who helped save my life.
It'll be hard, but i want to be happy.
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