#im not leaving the house anymore until october. fuck it.
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" FIRST PLACE ☆ ."
pairing: e!42 basketball player miles x fem!blk reader
contents: fluff , kissing , basketball player miles , annoying ass fangirl..
a/n: when i actually give a fuck i could write like 3 fics in one day , lord im so lazy oh my goodness
Miles was a great basketball player for the school , everyone loved him. A lil too many people tho .. girls ; girls that weren't you. miles didnt have his eyes on anymore but you, however the fact that other girls had their eyes on him pissed you off a lil. actually , not a lil , you wanted to punch them in they shit but you aint have time to get suspended .. who does?
you walked down the hallway with your airpods in your ears playing your favorite playlist while scrolling on your phone. suddenly you looked up to check your surroundings , and happened to see a poster on the wall for the school basketball team. you walked over to it , reading it. "school game .. october 12th? why didnt he tell me.." miles always told you about every game he had that was coming up , maybe he forgot to tell you this time.
as you walked off from the poster , you just happened to get a text from miles. you read it in your head as it said "maa , wya? i just got to school" you giggled at the text , being that miles was always late to school. you instantly replied with "the main hallway near the library" with a smile plastered across your face.
sooner or later miles saw you down the hallway and jogged his way to you , playfully yelling your name. "(nameeee)" he yelled with a smile on his face. "hiii milessss" you grinned , hugging him and taking one of your airpods out. "you didnt tell me you had a basketball game coming up" you glanced at the poster , looking back at miles for his response.
miles looked at you with a puzzled look until he saw the poster squinting at it while his eyebrows raised after he read it. "i do???? wtf they didnt tell me this time" miles shook his head checking his phone , messages , and emails. "welllll yk ill be theree" you smiled , wrapping your arms around miles' neck.
"ik you will ma , my #1 supporter" he grinned , kissing you on your forehead.
------------------------------------♡----------------------------------------
On the day of miles' game , you made sure to look your best even tho you'd be in a crowd FULL of people .. but who cares? your man would see you. you wore your prettiest outfit and sprayed yourself with your perfume , making sure you smelled good. you walked down to the gym when it was time for the game to start in about 10 minutes. you touched your forehead randomly because the school was hot and you were slightly sweating.
aaannnnddddd you forgot to do your edges. shit. you hated leaving the house without your edges done , it was like your finishing touch. your eyes widened as you quickly jogged back to the school bathroom getting your edge control and edge brush out your bag , struggling to close the zipper back.
you brushed your edges to your forehead while your other hand worked to unscrew the top off the edge control. after like 3 minutes , you were finally done with your edges. you scurried back to the gym , but you heard someone talking on the mic which meant the game was about to start. you walked faster and finally got to the door , but...it was locked.
your heart dropped but you were quickly cheered back up as one of the teachers came and opened the door. meanwhile , miles was on the court as the principal gave her speech , he paced around scanning the bleachers to look for you. he started getting worried when he didnt see you , what if you couldn't make it?
suddenly , you walked thru the door , which caught miles' attention and he started smiling. his eyes were on you the whole time you walked to the bleachers , as you on the other hand scanned the court for him. you looked for his jersey number , (42) and eventually you found it. you locked eyes with him as he smiled at you , and you smiled back.
after the game , you wouldn't guess who got first place .. actually yes you would. it was miles of course , the crowd cheered as he made the final shot from quite far away , but no matter how many people cheered you were the loudest.
well , you thought you were. you heard another voice yelling his name from the other side of the bleachers , making your head snap that way in an instant. you weren't the only one hearing this , miles heard it too. he side eyed the girl yelling her lungs out , and walked over to the bleachers where you were signaling for you to come down.
you got up and grabbed your bag going to miles , but as soon as you got to him so did the girl (shorty spawned outta nowhere..). "uh.." you looked at the girl with disgust , she did the same to you. but she didn't have the right to.. why does she wanna talk to YOUR man??
miles kissed you and looked at the girl with a stank face , walking off with his arm around your neck , leaving the girl to start muttering in anger.
©cyb3rspyd3r
taglist: @tainted-liquor @urmadiik @ashsostrange @arielliio @all444miles @spiderheartzz @laaailuh @xoxokiwi @chessbox @cat3ch1sm @breeandhermunches @nokkihy @mayearies
#💘 𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐢'𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐫𝐲 .#manitalkss#miles x reader#miles morales#e42 miles#across the spiderverse#spiderman atsv#earth 42 miles x reader#atsv#spider man: across the spider verse#miles x you#miles morales prowler#miles morales x reader#miles molares#earth 42 miles morales x black!reader#earth 42 miles morales x reader#earth 42 miles#miles g x reader#miles g morales#miles gonzalo morales#earth 42#prowler miles#miles 42#42 miles morales
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Looooong personal post warning :)
My parents divorced when I was 6. My mom was seeing one of my dads coworkers and as soon as she moved out she moved in with him. They weren’t supposed to live together by court order until the divorce was finalized (my dad and stepdad were in the military) so when my brother and I went to visit my mom they told us we couldn’t tell my dad that my stepdad (at the time future stepdad) was there or my dad would make my mom would go to jail and we’d never see her again. Narratives like this continued and my dad ended up moving states when I was 8 to be closer to his family to help raise my brother and I. It was a bit chaotic; we lived with my grandparents for a few months and had to find a new house and a new school. I didn’t see my mom for about 6 months. When my dad decided to go back to let us visit, we talked to my mom on the phone. My stepdad told us we were ungrateful, horrible kids for not knowing my moms cell phone number and calling my mom more during this time. I was 8, my brother was 4. When we saw them again, my stepdad put me on a bed and screamed at me for over an hour, while I sobbed and begged to be let go, until I could recite her cell number back. Things never got better. Over the years, any thing that he saw as an offense meant he would absolutely ream us verbally. If we sent a birthday card that didn’t arrive on time, we were “ungrateful spoiled little bitches who didn’t care about anyone else in the world”, if we slept in too late when we visited we were “the laziest motherfuckers in the world and would never amount to shit.” When I was 13, I was overweight and he screamed at me for ten minutes to “just stop fucking eating.” I ended up struggling with an eating disorder for years. I spent my highschool years begging God to save me, to send someone to save me from it. I was so scared everyday that I would fuck up and he would call to destroy me verbally and the next time I saw them I’d get it again in person. This has been 20 years of my life. The verbal assaults weren’t just limited to my brother and I; my mom and half brother have been victims too. Last October he raised his fist towards my brother during a fight. A few weeks ago he called my mom a “disgusting, spoiled, pampered bitch.” It is completely impossible to convey the wrath and fear that his fits create. When he isn’t angry he is okay to be around; but when he gets angry, it’s over. My mom has been talking about leaving him this year after each fight, but she won’t. She doesn’t care about how he’s treated my brothers and I. I finally realized God wasn’t going to send anyone to help me. Praying helped no one except my stepdad. So I told her I was done and I wouldn’t be coming to see them anymore. She can come visit us by herself if she wants. Im blocking his number. I used to be so afraid to say or do anything like that. I thought I would have to kill myself to escape it. But it turns out the person I was so desperate for all along was me. I wish I could go back and do it earlier. I wish 13 year old me, 18 year old me had the courage to stand up for herself. But at least 27 year old me did it. And I hope 13 year old me and 18 year old me and 25 year old me are cheering.
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the great adventures of y/n tommy tubbo jack and ranboo - how y/n made friends with everyone
this is an extra to the great adventures series
requested: yes/no
warnings: cursing
tommy
you were actually friends with tommy when he was streaming to a few viewers, and you even watched as his channel grew. eventually he asked you to mod for him, as he knew he could trust you and because had experience being a twitch mod. he was also the reason you began streaming. as for how you met, you were in the same classes as him in highschool, and since you were the ‘quiet’ person in the class, they sat tommy next to you. honestly, you hated him when you first met him and the feeling was mutual. you didn’t want to sit next to the rather loud teenager and he had no one to talk to anymore as his friends were on the other side of the room.
“do you ever talk?”
“heh?”
“i said do you ever talk...do you always do that”
“do what”
“that fucking HeH.”
“are you mocking me simons?”
“noooo why would i do that...”
“it’s y/n.”
“right, yeah, yeah, i totally knew that.”
“great now please leave me alone i’m trying to work.”
“loser.”
“the fuck did you just say?”
“nothing.”
it was that moment tommy decided he was going to make you just like him, and a few years later that’s exactly what he did. by year 11 you and tommy had grown extremely close. the last day of school arrived a lot earlier than expected, everyone was extremely stressed, no one knew what to expect or what was going to happen. you found yourself hanging around with tommy a lot more as you had no idea if you would both be going to the same college, in september you received a text message that made your night:
tommy: college sent out emails telling you if you were accepted go check
*2 minutes later*
tommy: well?
y/n: i got accepted
tommy: me too
y/n: call me right now
tommy: i’m about to stream..have you ever considered streaming?
y/n: absolutely not
tommy: make an account and stream after me i’ll raid you..make me mod you know how people can be
once college started up, you were slightly nervous the two of you would drift away from each other. however this was far from the case, although you both did different subjects and he was only in on wednesdays, the pair of you would hang out together a lot more. he would be in your streams and vice versa, you would either be in his tiktoks, or you would be the one filming them.
“y/n make a tiktok we can be mutuals.”
“please god no.”
you spent so much time at his house either talking about random things, playing whatever game you could find, or streaming. he dragged you to every meet up he went on, allowing you to meet people such as niki, phil, and, wilbur. you didn’t know this, but he would constantly bring you up in conversations with dream, which eventually lead to you joining the smp in october where you would later be able to meet the likes of jack, technoblade and jschlatt. the only person you didn’t seem to see on the server was his other friend tubbo.
ranboo
you had become friends with scott after being his first twitch mod and when he noticed you started streaming, he was extremely supportive, always raiding your stream once he ended his. today you found yourself bickering with scott because he wouldn’t let you in mcc despite the fact you were ‘the best minecraft player.’
“y/n, i watched you die in minecraft 7 times last night within 5 minutes.”
“oh i’m sorry mr perfect, let me in mcc.”
“no.”
“fine i’ll make my own.”
and that’s exactly what you did..well you tried your best.
you started your stream as soon as scott ended and had him call you on discord after explaining to your chat what you were about to do.
“scott final chance let me in mcc, i’ll settle for access to the practice server.”
“fine.”
“REALLY?!”
“absolutely not!”
“fuck you, ill be in it one day!”
you left the call telling chat you didn’t need that negative energy in your life.
you really have scott to thank for you making friends with ranboo, scott made a tweet explaining what you were doing on stream which caught ranboos eye.
Smajor1995: after not making it into mcc again my good friend @y/n has decided to take it upon themselves to make their own on stream!! ill also be in the stream (if they answer my calls) *twitch link*
ranboo joined your stream and was instantly met with you yelling at scott (again) to let you in mcc.
“IM YOUR TWITCH MOD!”
“i will ban you from mcc!”
“you don’t have the nerve... so he left the call this is bullshit watch me land this water bucket clutch down this ravine so we can find axolotls and build an army.”
*you died*
you pulled your hood over your face before sinking down your chair taking a deep breath.
“FUCK!”
you calmly got back up and looked into your camera.
“i was so close, so very close.. HEY CHAT SCOTT SENT ME A LINK TO THE SERVER!”
a few minutes later you were able to get onto the server, only to be kicked less than a minute later. the reason you were banned being ‘i watched you fail the water bucket clutch down a ravine.’
you continued your build on your server and just spent the rest of the stream talking about anything that crossed your mind, that was until you decided to copy ace race. once finished, you looked into your camera and pulled your microphone closer to you.
“so this is race ace, so scott doesn’t sue me, and basically it’s going to be this course, but i’m going to change a random section practice it every day, not tell anyone it changed. of course i’m going to tell my team we have to win, oh fuck i forgot scott was watching my stream..it’s okay he didn’t hear me he’s too busy planning how he can rig the next mcc.”
ranboo found himself enjoying your content and even noticed you in his chat multiple times.
“just a minute chat i’m just sending an important dm to my mods.”
that’s when you noticed chat paused for a minute after you sent a message, it confused you for a minute before realising ranboo made you a vip on his channel and you decided to do the same for him on your channel, from there you added each other on discord. the pair of you made friends extremely quickly, you were constantly part of his streams as you would call him on discord not realising that he was streaming.
“hi y/n, by the way i’m streaming”
“i just wanted to ask if you knew how to break into a house?”
“....why”
“i locked myself out by accident and my parents are asleep come help me.”
“you are in the uk.”
“okay? catch a flight.”
chat honestly loved you and your friendship with ranboo. the pair of you only met a few weeks ago and you were already acting as though you had known each other for years.
jack
you and jack met for the first time on the smp, which would have been fine, however you met during lore and your characters weren’t exactly the best of friends. once lore had ended, everyone said their goodbyes and left the call. a few moments later you received a discord message from jack asking if you were available to call any time soon. since you were back in lockdown, you had plenty of free time. you arranged a time and date a few days later you called jack, where you had your first proper interaction out of character.
“hello jack!!”
“oh hi y/n i just thought it may be a good idea to get to know each other, well you know considering we’re both on the dream smp.”
“yeah, yeah, i understand what you mean.”
the pair of you ended up getting along with each other, it was slightly awkward for the first 5 minutes of the call, but that was expected since you hadn’t really met jack before and were anxious to call him. however, after that the conversation started to flow and you found out the pair of you had a lot in common making it easy to come up with things to talk about. it ended up feeling as though you were catching up with a friend you hadn’t spoken to for a while.
“has anyone told you your accent is really strong.”
“so is yours, y/n, what the fuck is that supposed to mean.”
“it means your accent is strong, duh.”
jack asked if you’d like to stay in call and join him on the smp whilst he streamed, and you gladly accepted the offer as you really didn’t want to do your college work, and you were enjoying your time with him. a few minutes into the stream jack had killed you several times.
“JACK STOP KILLING ME!”
rather than answering you he just sat laughing. he then went on to attempt to mute him microphone, he failed. however he didn’t realise this, so you sat listening to his plan on how he was going to kill you again. this time you were prepared, you sent a message to tommy telling him to log on along with your location. few minutes later tommy was by your side and helped you kill jack several times for revenge.
“Y/N...TOMMY!!”
“you didn’t mute your mic, so i told tommy you were bullying me.”
“im gonna go...BYE JACK, BYE Y/N, ILL SEE YOU SOON!”
“i can’t believe you.”
“hey you’re the one who didn’t turn your mic off.”
“how did you know?”
“i had your stream on my other monitor.”
“ayeee you watch my streams?”
“...i’ve been a sub for 4 months.”
the two of you stayed chatting and playing for another hour. the pair of you were already so close and you had only met each other the other day. this was just the start of your friendship, soon enough you were in a laugh and the stream ends challenge on his stream, however due to lockdown rules this was done over discord leading to you accidentally leaving the call several times.
“and they’re gone again!”
*4 minutes later*
“SORRY JACK IM BACK!”
“stop leaving y/n!”
“oh i’m sorry, let me just go yell at my wifi to stop cutting out!”
a few seconds later you could be heard faintly in the background screaming at your wifi as it would continue to buffer. as soon as restrictions were over one of the first things you decided to do was go to jacks and stream a laugh you lose where there was a punishment if you were responsible for losing the last heart. however everything was apparently hilarious in person as you would constantly laugh, meaning you were responsible for losing the last heart.
“y/n give me your phone.”
“no.”
“you lost let me tweet from your account”
“fine..”
soon enough your fans and friends with your notifications on received this twitter notification
“y/n: jack is so cool and funny he is also really tall i am not”
tubbo
tubbo was actually the last person you met and made friends with, your community were convinced for some reason that you both didn’t like each other and that’s why the pair of you didn’t talk to each other. this was far from the case you were both waiting for the right time, tubbo was an extremely busy teenager and you didn’t want to interrupt him, and tubbo knew you were currently in a stressful position since you had recently joined the dream smp, also you were still meeting people so he didn’t want to stress you out. this doesn’t mean he didn’t want to be your friend, he actually asked tommy since he had been your friend for at least 4 years what would be the best way of getting to know you.
“mate they hated me when we first met, just talk to them or something. you could have met them the last time i went up to visit you, but they ended up not feeling too good and went back to the hotel room.”
“when are you next coming up?”
“how about next week, and i’ll bring y/n, i really don’t understand why you’re nervous tubbo, it’s y/n they wouldn’t hurt a fly..well hmm.”
“see you next week then!”
a week later tommy dragged you to the train station.
“uh tommy where are we going?”
“...on a train.”
“no way, really? oh my god!”
a few hours later you finally got off the train.
“ill go with my dad to check into the hotel room, do you want to come with us or?”
“i think i’ll go for a walk and stretch my legs.”
“right okay, meet you at the beach later”
you spent a few minutes walking around the beach picking up any rocks and shells that caught your eye, little did you know it would result in you meeting tubbo. once you finished putting your new collection in your pockets you noticed a small crowd of people walk up to someone asking for pictures assuming it was tommy you walked over to the boy, it wasn’t tommy it was in fact tubbo. at first you stayed silent not wanting to really cause attention to yourself. you only spoke up when some people started to make inappropriate comments towards him.
“oh sorry to be a pain guys me and tubbo have plans with tommy in a few minutes, we should go so we’re not late. bye guys.”
you smiled and waved as they walked away. you looked over to tubbo, you could tell he was still pretty anxious about what just happened and honestly if you was in his position, you would react the same way.
“we should probably move from here incase they come back and see you’re still here, are you okay?”
“im feeling better now it’s over..thank you”
“oh it’s no problem i’m, y/n btw.”
“wait you and tommy were still meant to be on the train.”
“the train was actually on time, tommy went to check into the hotel i wanted to stretch my legs, i also wanted to collect some rocks.”
“did you collect enough or did you want more?”
“im not going to say no if you wanna go collect some with me.”
the pair of you walked around keeping each other close incase the people from before returned. half an hour later, the pair of you sat on a bench close to the beach so you could show tubbo everything you decided to pick up, he ended up keeping a rock he liked to have as a memory. tubbo wrapped an arm around you as it was getting cold whilst you watched the sunset.
“tubbo i think tommy forgot about me.”
“you can spend the night at mine, i’ll send him a message to let him know.”
“are you sure?”
“of course!”
“this has to be the most unsafe thing either of us will ever do, we hardly know each other and now i’m staying at yours.”
tommy sent you a message explaining that he didn’t forget, there was a problem at the other hotel and they had to go find another one, but you’ll be fine to stay at tubbos for the night. the pair of you spent the entire night learning as much as you can about the other person. it had only been an evening but you already knew the pair of you would be great friends.
taglist:
@dumb-chaotic-bi-energy @uselesssapphickitten @l0ver0fj0y @etheriaaly @xx-smiley-xx @hawarun @kylobensgirl @cawcaw-pretty-thing @reverse-iak @renleicrashed @c1loudee
#mcyt x reader#mcyt fanfiction#mcyt writing#mcyt imagines#mcyt imagine#mcyt reader insert#mcyt fluff#mcyt x platonic reader#mcyt x y/n#mcyt x you#tubbo x y/n#tubbo x you#tubbo x reader#tubbo imagine#tubbo fluff#tommyinnit x y/n#tommyinnit x you#tommyinnit x reader#tommyinnit fluff#tommyinnit imagine#jack manifold x y/n#jack manifold x you#jack manifold x reader#jack manifold fluff#jack manifold imagine#ranboo x y/n#ranboo x you#ranboo x reader#ranboo fluff#ranboo imagine
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So ive alluded to but havent really talked about the emotional roller coaster the past few months have been (aside from complaining regularly about housing search, sorry about that)
When i was house sitting and staying at the artist's house on the hill back in october, i was calling nick a lot, like a few times a week i think, my only excuse being i was super lonely living there alone. And he started talking about us living on a boat together again. He's mentioned this before - i believe it was a daydream of his early on when we first met. And you know how i am with good storytellers. Complete sucker. I think it was like the second time we went out on a not-date, after wandering around squirrel hill / sitting in te cafe talking for like five hours, he just started describing how he imagined me on a boat. Obviously in a more eloquent way than how im making it sound.
But anyway it sounded like recently he got an offer to rebuild (and own) a 1950's wooden sailboat and so he was spinning these grand ideas of what adventures we could have, and that i should join him on the east coast and we'd sail all over, living and working on this boat. And im totally crazy because i actually considered it, seriously thought about it. Ive been hating my life here for so long, that an escape sounded ideal.
I knew i would never - im too determined to make my career work whatever the fuck that means. And i think i know that if i give up and leave this city now i will literally never come back because i discovered i kind of hate it.
Fast forward to thanksgiving - the news broke about WDI moving to florida. i didnt think about it until while on a walk i unexpectedly ran into an old friend who pre-pandemic worked for WDI here and in japan and he confirmed that, yes, ALL of imagin**ring is being moved. (also that yes its definitely a power play)
Like you all know how obsessed i am with living in glendale, i still remember how i almost cried even just driving THROUGH glendale when i first came to LA in 2018. Just seeing that name on the damn freeway signs. Id only ever read that name in countless books on imagine*ring and the Parks. I dID get to live in glendale for a few years, and let me tell you it never got old putting that city down on letters and stuff. It was like i was SO CLOSE to this weird nebulous sort of daydream ive had since i was 10. I had this idea that id go out to california and live like the people did in those books - living in this mysterious glendale place, traveling worldwide for research, spending lazy weekends in the parks studying and observing like walt used to do. Obviously that didnt happen lol.
But now with this news of the move to florida...ugh. I think i might go back and rewatch justin's old old videos about releasing childhood dreams so you can find something better. Because that just killed mine. I knew the corporate culture at the mouse was becoming...toxic. Rumors abound. But there's also enough good things happening around it that i thought maybe that would be worth it despite the shit. But now??? Ugh i have a few friends who spent some time as imag*ne*rs in florida...they hated it. Said it was like living in tourist land 24/7. My one friend hated it so much he moved back to nyc. Yeah. He gave up sunshine and working a dream job to go back to snow and cold just so he could live in a 'real' city again lol.
I dont know what i want to do anymore. Without imagin**ring i dont even know why im here anymore. The founder of my research project i worked in after college idolized WDI too. He actually got the chance to work with them on some projects for VR back in the 90's. He's got a plaque in w* d* world in florida with his name and his quote on it commemerating him after he died. There's a photo of me and my research team all standing around the plaque proudly. But he always insisted he was first and foremost an academic, even if his childhood dream may have been more along the lines of being an imag*neer. And you know the whole time i was working with that project, and kind of keeping in the back of my mind my own end goal of how i wanted to live this magical socal imagin**ring lifestyle...i always kind of thought that he was an academic because he couldnt have made it as an imag*neer, just wasnt at that level. I never stopped to consider that it might have been a choice. I feel a little shitty for that now.
Anyway how do you cure a broken heart over dreams? And the answer is tragically not going to be go escaping with nick on some boat...that most recent phone call reminded me just how much he randomly turns on me in anger and i can never figure out wtf i did. I may admire him greatly for everything he is in life, but we wouldn't last two days alone together lol.
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BLACK CAT
Jack laughed as he strode down the sidewalk with his sister Emma. They'd had a normal day of school and the chilly october breeze whirled leaves all around. Emma giggled as she bounced into a pile of leaves playfully before jogging back next to her brother.
Jack pulled out his wallet and hummed.
"Ready for some pumpkin ice cream to celebrate you getting an A on your math test?"
Emma twirled and bounced.
"Yes yes yes! Its pumpkin season! Woohoo!"
Jack smiled as he kept walking with her until they both heard a piercing screech from a nearby alleyway. Emma hid behind her brother instinctively with a frown.
"What was that...?"
Jack frowned and paused also.
"The heck...? Hey, stay here. I'll check it out."
"Be careful, Jack..."
The brown haired boy cautiously walked over to the alley entrance. The closer he got to the commotion the worse he heard. A sniggering voice babbled while a few others laughed.
"Let's glue its tail to its back!"
Another voice chimed.
"No, let's pour the glue in its ears!"
Jack rushed forwards to see three male teens a few years older than him had trapped a black cat in a broken cage. They were harrassing it terribly and one of the boys had a bottle of super glue in his hand. Jack couldn't bear what was about to happen.
He yelled and rushed forwards, slamming into the kid with the glue and it crashed onto the ground.
"Leave the cat alone, you assholes!"
Flustered, all the teens watched as Jack threw himself between them.
"The hell?! Go away if you know what's good for you, punk!"
"It's just a stupid cat! Mind your own business!"
Jack growled angrily.
"Leave it alone!"
The tallest teen hissed.
"Get him!"
Jack's eyes widened and he turned around to shield the cat with his body as all the bullies began to wail on him. Jack took the blows and winced, cringing with every kick and punch until they got bored. They left and Jack slowly sat up. His body ached and stung all over. But the cat was alright. That was what mattered.
"H-Hey...its ok little fella...they're gone. Here, lemme get you out of there."
Slowly but surely Jack pried some of the cage wiring back enough for the cat to yank out of it. The feline rushed a few feet away but turned around and stared back at him confused. After a minute it ran away and Jack sighed. He stood and walked back out to Emma.
"Hey, sorry to keep you waiting."
Emma hugged him and he yelped.
"What happened?!"
"Oh, just had to save a cat from these jerks. You know, cool hero stuff~ Now let's go get you some ice cream!"
Emma nodded and they walked off to the ice cream shop.
The next morning Jack awoke much sorer and groaned. He tried to sit up until he saw something at the end of his bed. He rubbed his eyes and blinked. It was the same black cat he saved yesterday. He startled and jerked back, hitting his head on his bedboard. He squeaked and held it.
"Ow! Fuck-!"
The cat merely watched him curiously and calmly, swishing its tail. Jack saw it had such bright gold eyes that stared deeply and intently, but they meant no harm.
"What are you doing here? How did you even get inside my house?"
The cat stayed silent and still. Jack blinked and groaned.
"Alright you gotta go. Come on."
He slowly got out of bed and reached for the cat, but it jumped away from him onto the floor with a chirp. Emma came through the door and gasped when she saw the cat.
"Jack lets go, we're gonna be late for the movie--! Is that the cat?! It's so cuuute!!!"
Surprisingly the cat seemed content with Emma picking it up and hugging it.
"Yeah, but its gotta go. And so do we. Come on then."
He gets dressed and goes with her downstairs to the front door. They walk out and stroll down the sidewalk into town. Suddenly the cat begins to squirm and meow. Emma frowned.
"Huh, whats wrong kitty?"
It jumps down from her arms and meows at them loudly. It rushes forwards and turns around constantly to see if they are following.
"It wants us to follow it!"
Jack shrugged.
"Emma if we go that way, we'll be late for the movie."
She pouted and looked back at him.
"No we wont, come on!"
Jack sighed and followed along. The cat leads them down to the end of the block and stops in front of a black oranate metal doorway with golden painted etchings all over. The cat pushed the door open and ran inside. Emma giggled and followed.
"Wait kitty!"
Jack looked more concerned now, not wanting his sister to rush into someplace dangerous.
"Emma, wait, stop!"
He went in after her and slowed down, seeing all sorts of whacky looking artifacts and trinkets everywhere. The place was only illuminated by candles and everything was mostly the colors of black and gold. Jack was relieved to see Emma staring into an beautiful crystal ball on top of a round table in the middle of the room.
"This place is so cool, Jack!"
Jack walked over to her and kept eyeing around the room.
"Uh, yeah, but it's also a bit creepy. Never too early for Halloween I guess. Where's the cat?"
"I dunno. I lost it. Maybe it lives here! We brought it back home, yay!"
Jack gently nudged her.
"Alright, now lets get back to the movie, huh?"
Emma sighed.
"Aww but I like this place!"
Just that moment a tall man stepped out from behind a drapery of black velvet curtains. Jack gasped and instinctively stepped in front of his sister to protect her if need be. The man was lithe and draped in a gorgeous black silk robe with delicate golden lace all over the neck and arms. He also wore a sparkling golden feathery boa around his neck. His hair was ebony black and his eyes glinted gold in the candle light.
"Good afternoon, children~ How may I be of service?"
Jack felt oddly uneasy about this man and forced a smile.
"O-Oh no, we're sorry to intrude. We were just leaving, really--"
The man tisked his tongue and chuckled.
"It's no bother at all~ Im always happy to have guests. My name is Pitch and I am a fortune teller by trade."
Emma gasped and squealed.
"Really?! Jack, let's get our fortunes told! Pleeeease!"
Jack eyed her.
"But I thought you wanted to see the Perfect Princess Ponypal movie?"
"We can see it next week! Please please please!"
Jack sighed and smiled a little. He couldn't say no to her.
"Ok ok, we can. How much is it?"
Pitch smiled and motioned to the table.
"For you two, I'll make it free. Come, sit."
Pitch sat across the table from Emma and Jack. Jack sat and watched as the man sprinkled some golden powder over the crystal ball. It began to swirl around in various colors.
"Now then. Who's fortune shall we tell?"
Emma piped up.
"Jack's!"
Jack rolled his eyes and laughed a little. Pitch nodded with a smile.
"Very well~ Now let's see. Your aura is a beautiful snowy white, my boy. How interesting indeed."
Jack watched Pitch carress the crystal ball with his finger tips and the coloring inside turned all sparkling white.
"Woah, that's cool. What does it mean?"
"You put on a tough exterior show, but deep down you are as soft as the first snowfall in winter."
Jack flustered a tad.
"Eheh, yeah ok. Sure."
Pitch smiled and eyed the young teen curiously.
"I'd like to read your palms, if you'll allow."
"Uh, sure."
Jack held out his right hand. Pitch gently took it im his own and began to trace some lines softly.
"Very interesting. You're going to live a very long fulfilling life it seems. You have untold strength and destiny awaiting you."
Jack laughed a little, not believing it because fortune tellers were always just cheap parlor tricks and observation.
"Wow. Who knew."
Pitch smiled and looked directly at him.
"Give me that ring on your necklace."
Jack's blood froze. It was a gift from his departed mother. He hesitated.
"I...uhm...ok."
He slowly took it off and handed it over. Pitch accepted it and gazed for a minute quietly.
"Fascinating..."
Jack eyed him oddly.
"What?"
"This ring is a treasured memory of yours. From your mother, yes?"
Jack felt a lump in his throat and uneasyness in his stomach. How could he have possibly known that? Unless he'd been spying on them somehow. Was it something to do with that cat? No, that's crazy...
Jack held his hand out urgently, not comfortable being there anymore.
"Uh, thanks, but I just remembered we have things we need to do at home."
Jack took back the ring and stood, grabbing Emma's arm and tugging. She groaned in upset and confusion.
"Jaaack, no we dont-!"
He interrupted her sharply.
"Yes, we really do. Come on, we need to go now."
Pitch stood and eyed Jack with his own sense of unease.
"Jack, please, I didn't mean any harm."
Jack didn't answer. He knew this felt like a bad idea. Just as Jack got to the door, it suddenly locked itself. Jack's eyes widened in fear as he grabbed and yanked at the handle.
"W-What the hell-?! Unlock this door right--"
Jack whirled around, but Pitch was right behind him. It was a split second before Jack felt Pitch's hand on his head. Instantly Jack slipped into a deep sleep.
When the boy awoke he realized he was still in Pitch's home. He jerked up and looked around frantically. Why did he feel so cold? He jumped up off the bed and paused. Why wasn't he feeling sore from his injuries? In fact, he felt better than ever before, like a new energy was flowing through him.
No, he needed to find his sister. Who knows what awful things that creep could have done to her. He rushed out from the small bedroom area and down the stairs into what appeared to be the kitchen. He saw Pitch cooking some eggs and growled.
"Where is Emma?! What did you do to her, you sick bastard!?"
Pitch blinked and glanced over his shoulder.
"Oh good, you're awake! Now we can get start--"
Jack lunged and slammed into Pitch, shoving him down to the ground. The teen grasped his hands around Pitch's neck and began to choke him with a strength he never knew he had. Pitch tried to pull the boy's hands off, but he wasn't as strong.
"What did you to her?!"
Pitch rasped out.
"Sh..She's f-fine!!! Home, a-at your ho--me!"
Jack began to see frost and ice crystalize its way around Pitch's neck and face as he choked him. He suddenly let him go and backed away in fear.
"W-What the hell-!? What was that?!"
Pitch coughed and gasped for air, clutching his neck. He wheezed and eyed the teen cautiously as he rasped.
"Look...L-Look..."
Jack seemed confused until Pitch pointed frantically at a huge wall length mirror nearby. Jack glanced up and then did a double take with horrified eyes. He slowly walked over in mortified shock. His eyes were blue now and his hair was white as snow, instead of both being his normal brown.
"What did you do to me-!? I--I--! Where's Emma--the stupid fucking cat-?!"
Pitch stood up and slowly approached.
"Jack, I am the cat. Im just repaying you for saving me in the alleyway."
#blackicerotg#blackice#rotg#riseoftheguardians#pitch black#pitchblack#rotg jack frost#jackfrost#rise of the guardians#halloween#black cat#rotg pitch black
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Wands and potions: NCT Dream & WayV
Please read the Masterlist before continuing ahead with the upcoming chapter. Thank you.
A/N: I apologize for taking so long to post (im a mess) but i had some issues to deal with, personal things at home and some family members were feeling sick so things were a mess, as always I hope you enjoy the chapter and I’ll try to get back on track. I’m sorry if my posts aren’t up to the standard I usually output in.
Chapter 17:
[Lyra’s Pov]
[10th Jan 2005]
The first memory I had of my parents was a fight. It was one of my earliest. And one id never forget. The shouts and screams being thrown about. It was hazy and only when I began whimpering and crying weakly the blond male lifted me up into his hold. His cold icy eyes warming up for me. Melting the frozen glacier of cerulean into a deep royal navy.
I’ve been hidden from everyone and anyone around me for their safety and their status in the social wizarding world. I was a child that wasn’t ever supposed to be born and it was hurtful the longer the secret was kept. Whilst my siblings were given all the love and care in the world, lived to be around them in a comforting lovable world. I was left to be brought up by myself. Alone.
[06:18PM]
“You deserve to know, and I deserve to be treated like I’m desired, like I’m loved and wanted.” I murmured quietly my voice came out fragile and broken, its displayed the 14 years of raw emotion behind it.
“Remember when you told me you really felt we were like sisters?” I saw Selene’s expression warp into confusion her lips between teeth as she sat next to me her eyes shaking nervously. She didn’t want to glance into my own, but she nodded confirming my words.
“Well we could be, if Scorpius believes me... when I tell him, I- I’m his half-sister. His blood sister...” Selene stared as if I'd just produced a rhinoceros from my pocket. Though the expression on Scorpius face was unreadable. It was a mix of confusion, guilt and denial.
“Please say something.” I pleaded, he needed to respond. In any way possible, I needed to know how he felt. My heart was being torn by the second, this was worse than being stabbed multiple times and left to bleed to death...
“I can’t- i don’t know- how do I?” he sighed, exasperatedly. “I need some time to think about this.” He stood his eyes frantically looking around, Scorpius looked anxious wanting to leave, and even though it was freezing cold he was loosening the green tie around his neck.
“Please, don’t tell anyone. You can’t let anyone know.” I stood desperately wanting to hold or grab him. I yearned for his acceptance for so many years. My only sibling I cared about. This had to be kept a personal family secret as well.
“Scorpius, are you ok? Do you need me to-” “NO, no- I’m fine,” it came through gritted teeth...
“Selene, just stay with her? I need some space.” He quickly takes his leave frantically looking off, not once did he look back at us.
“Give him some time, he’ll come back. Don’t worry.”
“How are you taking this?” I turn to Selene who was hugging me, her arm on my back comforting me. She seemed dazed, her eyes were clouded. It’s like she wasn't here.
“You were already my sister; all you did was give me confirmation.” She held me close pulling me into her hold.
“Thank you, for being here.” I whisper clutching her robes her hair tickling the side of my face. I was glad to have her around me.
[06:25PM]
Pieces of mirror shatter breaking into a shower of tiny pieces; the amount of negative energy in the air was boundless. “Scorpius please calm down.” the rage in him needed to get out somehow? He wasn’t himself.
“He lied! HE LIED TO ME AND HER!” the bloodcurdling cry echoed; his mouth wide open as he released his inner demons. The scream made all the hair on his body stand. Albus wanted to stop him. To help him.
He couldn’t.
“He had another child, behind her back, she was thrown to the side. Like it was nothing!” The sobbing continued gales began to swirl and enter through the sides of the bathroom. Unknowingly, he was brewing a whirlwind. A storm hitting, equal to the force it felt inside him. It was building for weeks now and all Lyra did was confirm the reality.
His vice was strained, and it hurt like hell, but he continued letting all the pain and sorrow out. His head was pounding now. He wanted it to stop. Scorpius yearned for the numb feeling
“Stop you’re going to hurt yourself.” We he? Scorpius wished He’d hurt himself. Maybe that pain would distract him from the searing agony he was feeling. Pain sears through his abdomen better than a branding iron, his mind conceding to the torment, unable to bring a thought to completion.
Everything had been a lie.
“Want it to end. Please.” The crouched figure in the centre of the room strained himself. He didn’t want to be here anymore. “leave.”
Albus couldn’t do that. He couldn’t leave his friend in such a vulnerable and defenceless position. “let me help you.” A crack in his voice, it shows the pain he was feeling it reflected into Albus. the young boy stumbled back pushing from the sheer force of the gales that tormented Scorpius this whole time.
“I SAID GO!”
The pain was increasing in waves; getting bigger by the second, giving false hope of an end. But it would never end.
It was too loud to hear anything at this point the push of the wind tore bits off the wooden cubicle doors. Becoming spinning daggers of anger within the whirling storm.
Scorpius increased the howling gusts, faster and faster until they sheathed him with a spray of sprinkled sharp edges and crusted glass, they shimmered in the ill lit bathroom; the gloomy skies reflecting its dusty grey cold rays.
“Scorpiu-”
Albus had no way of coming near him he was forced out of the bathroom having no choice but to leave his friend in there suffering alone. The soft tears fell down the boy’s face, he hated the haunted feeling of having no form of control over the situation.
Across the empty acres of land, empty silent castle hauntingly still not much moving, was two figures perched up upon the north towers. A forbidden duo, though ones that felt comforted in another’s presence. The light breeze slowly yet surely trying to pull against their night robes.
“I want to get over the anxiety I have, I want to control my feelings not the other way.” murmured to the male, she had been spending most of her time. Days -and starting now- her nights were spent with the devilish Durmstrang boy.
“It’s not easy.” he spun on his own two feet looking across the edge of the tower towards her. Selene was perched upon the handle of the metallic barrier.
“I know. but I want to at least try. Will you help me?” Selene was in her sleeping robes she was twiddling with her wand spending most her days with him she had gotten extremely comfortable with the male who she has come to know for his sharp tongue and the ability to be quite convincing.
“I will. But first you need to show that you can trust me.”
“I do, I trust you.” Selene leaned off just a little further. She was content in being here silently with him. But was he? did he enjoy their secret nights alone?
“Do you think I can be like them?” letting her hair cascade past her figure, taking orders from the wind it wrapped over her -like the tentacles of the giant squid- across her body.
“Like them?” Repeating the words; he asked for more.
“My ancestors. I want to find out more.” It was like a persistent hunger that couldn’t be satiated. From a fairly long time, it was that absence of complete acceptance and love. Deep down she understood that but was she never going to admit it?
“You want to follow the prophecy?” a hesitant nod answered his questioning. the endless chewing on her dry lips and thoughts fighting against one another proved to show the utter confusion in what she really wanted. The certainty was on one thing though “I want to belong.”
“A girl, Dominique, from Beauxbaton.” Leaving the edge Selene moved towards the boy getting slightly closer. “She mentioned that the Lestrange ancestral family had a connection to France.”
“You think it could be important?” she pondered over his words for a moment. “Didn’t you mention that Grindelwald had his convocation in Paris France?”
“He did. But what’s-”
“I can find out more, what happened? Who I am.” Curling back into herself Selene hummed a soft tune she was comforted by her own arms wrapping around herself. Making her feel the soft pressure upon her own body.
“Selene.” Yangyang mumbled as he stepped closer sitting next to her “When you were at the mirror, the first time we met, it showed you something.” he grasped her two hands in his softly rubbing his slender fingers over her palm. His eyes were captivating.
“it showed me myself.”
“it showed you something else along with it.” He edged, the slight smile on his face and his eyes boring into selenes pushed her to continue. It felt as if everything was surreal, it was all a dream, why was everything so easily spilling past her lips.
“What I wanted; I want to find myself.” Capturing his eyes she glanced at the void contained the magnitude of the earth and the blackhole sucking the shimmers of light inwards. Nothing could escape.
“I promise I can help you do that, but you can’t go to France just yet.”
“I can’t go to France…” Selene murmured his eyes were captivating. As time passed slowly, she fell deeper into his gaze.
“Yes, you have something to do. First.”
[13th October]
“Someone has taken a large noticeable dose of tentacle juice, from the private potions storage. If anyone has any known whereabouts or knows of anyone having sources, you must inform your head of year or head of house. Thank you.”
“Are you fucking kidding me-” shifting to take seat next to her position next to the others the raven-haired witch sat calmly the frustration only evident in her voice. “-they wake us up at 8am for this?”
“Yeah, some bastard nicking a few drops of poison…” Irene adds muttering, every single student for a 20-meter radius was yawning uncontrollably and dozing off on the study tables but once awake you needed to prepare for breakfast.
“Where were you this morning?” Ravelle had a sly smile on her lips as she pondered not so innocently over the whereabouts of the ginger witch before her.
“Out taking a short walk.” Blowing out an exasperated huff Selene stood taking her leave from the depressing and sleep deprived circle, “You know there’s only so much ‘Ravelle’ I can take in one day.” Sarcasm slipping past her voice was what made the sneaky witch drop her innocent act.
“Really, I’ve only asked you one question you shouldn’t be so defensive… unless there is something for you to hide?”
Selene stopped in her tracks, movement stuttering for a second. The wrapping of a dusty cloth rough in her hands.
“I have nothing to hide.” The outrage in her voice was enough to alert those around them that somewhat of a fight was about to start and, like the usual- all hell was about to break loose.
“Though I must let you know that I am exceeding the amount of ‘bitchiness’ I can take from you in a day so mind if I leave?” she widened her eyes turning to face the raven and nodded frivolously, she feigned sorrow for her and a sympathetic smile came to her face as she left.
“Thought you’d never ask…” Ravelle murmured the words she wasn’t interested in Selene herself. The antics she had grown accustomed to, -since that night with the celebratory introduction Selene had been on edge, spitting back ruthlessly and harsh words were leaving her lips- Ravelle eyed the linen wrap in her hands, it covered something, and it was important, no doubt delicate by the way she was cradling it to her core like a mother would do to her babe.
[1st November]
Many days passed and winter edged nearer, visibly shortening the once lengthy and enjoyable days. The cold let soft cotton and thick clothes layer up with the many peaking noses out of scarves turn red and pink.
The clouds of air exhaled when talking put things together but what really allowed the community to know the ending of summer solstice was the thick coat of white sheen that glistened in the early morning rays, covering the lands and lulling them to sleep.
“Anyone received any personal invites to the yule ball?” Albus whispered to the young brunette. The two now becoming much friendlier than usual were confiding in themselves after all they both had Scorpius to worry about.
“No not yet.” She glanced at him weary of the random questioning. lyra had enough on her plate already. It was harsh and difficult that her only brother wasn’t talking to her and Selene was sleeping off half her days and running of at night.
“If this is about Selene the-” “It’s not.”
“Then who-”
“I’m just asking.” She shuffled to turn towards him, sceptically reading his face the Slytherin shifted uncomfortably. “Such a liar.”
“You dummy, I can see it in your eyes. Who pushed you to do this? This is about Selene.”
“It isn’t, I swear.” His hands flew up in retaliation. The silent pause of scepticism made him sigh in relief when she dropped the accusations.
“I’m sick of this, it’s all going to hell and I cant get any of them to even sit and talk to me. It’s awful.” Lyra whined her frustration could be seen in the way she tugged at her roots the hair lengthier than it was a few weeks ago.
“Scorpius isn’t ready to face this ye-.”
“-Hell never be ready then. Albus I can’t wait any more. How does he think I feel?” the brunette boys turned into saucers at the sudden interruption. She had been waiting for the past 3 weeks and it was getting agitating for a while, but nobody understood her. The way she felt.
“Whats wrong with Selene then? He can’t talk now so whats the issue with your ginger friend?”
“Oh don’t get me started with her.” She shifts in her seat lyra was starting to remember the situations Selene was in, breaking her heart for the past fortnight. “She’s gone, really lost it.”
“Sleeps all day and sneaks out at night, its odd Selene would have never done such a thing.” She mutters, the frown on her face showed her feeling of betrayal. “I can’t get her to spend any time with me at all, it’s always ‘Yangyang this Yangyang that’!”
“Wait.”
“You mean Durmstrang Liu” if his eyes were saucers back then they were as wide as cauldrons. His hands clenched up visibly the whole demeanor he possessed was stiffened within a second, Lyra didn’t comprehend the change until she spared him a quick glimpse.
“Yeah him,” she blinked dropping her head further into her grasp as she questioned his body language “Whats got you so surprised, most girls already know!”
“Liu Yangyang that German-Taiwanese boy?” the voice crack gave him away, there was definitely something wrong, but Lyra had no clue what was happening to him, what kind of reaction was that.
“Hold on know what?” he interrupted again.
“Well, supposedly they’re in a relationship, and I don’t know… but he’s really affecting Selene.”
“They can’t be though?” the denial in his voice was giving all the wrong signals and signs, Lyra turned towards him fully, hands out of hair and eyes skimming his face, his expression wasn’t helping the previous accusations planted upon him by her.
“Why Albus? Do you like her or something?”
What came out of his mouth after wasn’t a big shocker or anything but lyra was shocked to find out such a revelation and from him, Albus, who seemed to have no clue who the boy is.
“No, its just. He has a girlfriend already,”
“Yeah Selene.” The response came quick.
“No, he’s engaged to her, its not Selene. She’s back in Germany.” He was referring to another girl, that Selene wasn’t the only one in a relationship with the male and it made Lyra's blood boil.
“HE’S TWO-TIMING?”
The two had another issue to deal with, Selene couldn’t find out, even if it meant lying to her. She wouldn’t be able to handle what was to come.
@ajuniceuajuniceu @kkuljungwoo @sensiblebutch @kangkinoa @nctzen2020 @mystic-jungkook @merryandhappylele @bcbymingi @mochischeeks @rilakunma @jaehyunspaghetti @commentgirl @99jjh @johnnys-wifeu @misaraem @apricottulips @h2ogamergirl @angelsnowflake
#Wands and Potions#nct hogwarts au#wayv series#NCT Dream Scenarios#nct x reader#chenle x reader#yangyang x reader#nct yangyang#wayv senarios#nct scenarios#Park Jisung#wayv hogwarts au#kpop fanfiction#kpop series#nct dream series#liu yangyang#school au
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⭐⭐!!!!!
since there are two stars i am pasting two sections from the same abandoned fic of mine .. thank you and im sorry
“Look at you all worried sick about little ol’ me. Geez, darlin’, you’re making me feel special over here.” He smirks sidelong at Eddie, who is still wide-eyed. “Yeah,” he says, a bit more seriously, “I’m fine. I just rear ended someone a little bit at the light. Practically old news by now, but if you want to play doctor and give me a once over, by all means.”
Eddie sighs and watches Richie out of the corner of his eye. Even to Richie’s ears, his jokes are hollow and flat and he feels like he’s actually from another planet. There’s something that’s just not funny about it. Something in the hedgerow, something just outside the window of his car he can’t put his finger on.
“You’re sure you’re alright?” Eddie asks. Richie wishes he called again last night. He likes the way Eddie goes from raging to deeply concerned in a matter of moments. He likes the way Eddie says his name when he picks up the phone because he knows it’s him. He would’ve told Eddie he only called to bother him, maybe pretend that he needed the answers to the stats homework, just to hear his voice crackle over the line. There were times, a few years ago, when they’d call each other up, no reason at all. He should’ve done it last night.
“Best I’ve ever been, aren’t I always?”
“Rich, I wish you wouldn’t always joke around, why can’t—”
“We’re gonna be late for school,” Richie says, which, out of everything, might be the biggest tell that something’s wrong. He turns the key before Eddie can keep going and puts the radio on, noticing that Eddie’s favorite—Pulp—is still in.
Eddie lets it go, for the moment, but Richie can feel him watching him as he drives, holding the wheel too tightly, his own eyes trained on the road, pointedly not glancing out of the driver’s window, not once.
+
Eddie can see how tired he is. Behind his glasses his eyes are dark and sunken. He lectures him about proper sleep, often.
“Y’know Eds, I’d sleep much better if I had someone to curl up with.” He’s joking, because when is Richie Tozier ever not joking, and he looks to Eddie for the laugh but Eddie only looks at him and hums.
Eddie opens the car door. “Thanks for the ride home, Rich. Try and get some sleep this weekend, you look like fucking shit.”
He’s supposed to say something like that’s not what your mom said last night, but he stays quiet and watches Eddie walk to his front door. The weather’s changing and the decor on Eddie’s porch changes, too. All fall colors, little pumpkins and tiny scarecrows on small hay bales.
He always waits until Eddie’s in the door before he goes.
Then the thought comes, gentle as a punch: this is the last year he’ll be seeing it like this. It’s their senior year, and Richie doesn’t know what he’s doing but he knows things don’t always stay the same. The way Eddie looks now, in his sweater and jeans and backpack under the changing autumn leaves falling off his porch roof, standing there trying to get his keys out, will be something he never sees the same way again. The way he looked yesterday, the way he looked a few minutes ago in Richie’s truck. Every moment is its own last time.
There will come a day where he drops Eddie off at his house and he’ll never do it again.
It’s still only October. There’s a lot of time left, but Richie can’t help but feel like he’s mourning every single moment, every little look.
i fear this fic will never be finished but i had so much written just in like fucking foundation work ... a healthy 6k (which is a lot for me!) before the real shit even got going! this baby even had a plot and all, things quite foreign to my fics. im very proud of it and i love it dearly but it simply wouldn’t work out anymore ... the plot would have to go under major renovations (this is reminding me of all those fics that take place when the enterprise is down for repairs in riverside for some reason?? fjkfdjs that was a sign its time to think about spirk again) otherwise it wouldn’t hold up. maybe someday i will fix her up and give her a shiny new plot that works much better all because richie has this beautiful speech i want him to give about eddie later on ... but dah well. here we are.
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about – finnick gustafson
[ FINNICK LUND ] has arrived in Ardere! Under the bonfire light, this [ TWENTY-EIGHT ] year old [ CISMALE ] is sometimes mistaken for [ RICHARD MADDEN ]. Since graduating from [ HOGWARTS ], they have been working as a [ FLYING PROFESSOR ]. The battle is brewing and they must pick sides but who will they choose? In the upcoming election, they will be voting for [ NEUTRAL ].
THIS IS SO LONG IM SO SORRY
basic information.
FULL NAME: finnick gustafson
NICKNAME(S) OR ALIAS: finnick, finn
GENDER: male
SPECIES: pureblood wizard
AGE: 28
BIRTHDAY: october 23rd
ZODIAC SIGN: scorpio
HOUSE: gryffindor
PATRONUS: non corporeal
ARMY AFFILIATION: neutral
SEXUALITY: bisexual
NATIONALITY: swedish
CITY OR TOWN OF BIRTH: lund, sweden
CURRENTLY LIVES: lund, sweden (when not at hogwarts)
LANGUAGES SPOKEN: swedish & english
NATIVE LANGUAGE: swedish
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single and complicated
health.
SMOKER?: sometimes
DRINKER?: yes
RECREATIONAL DRUG USER? WHICH?: no
SOCIABILITY: introvert
house & home.
DESCRIBE THE CHARACTER’S HOUSE/HOME
after hogwarts he never bought a place as he started with the nordic national quidditch team and just lived here and there. at age 23 he moved to london temporarily and started dating maggie weasley, couple months later they continued to date and moved in together. at age 27, they broke and london no longer felt like home. his mother had since passed, but he moved back to lund and only stayed a few months before selling it and coming to work at hogwarts. so currently he’s homeless again.
family, friends, & foes.
PARENTS NAMES: lorre gustafson got pregnant at an untimely time, which shortened her quidditch career. her baby daddy also left because he was a horrid person, so she raised finnick on her own. once finnick was born, he became her love and quidditch didn’t hold a flame. they were really close, finnick never once sought to look for his dad.
SIBLINGS? RELATIONSHIP WITH SIBLINGS?: n/a
OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: lorre (mother) was a quidditch champion, idk where else to put it deal with it
PARTNER/SPOUSE: n/a
EXES: magdalena weasley – partner of 5 years, dated for 3 years and engaged for 2. more on this later.
CHILDREN: no :/
BEST FRIEND: it was maggie tbh now it’s no one
OTHER IMPORTANT FRIENDS: tba. open connection
PETS: shared custody of max the ax thrower, but like he’s mostly maggie’s.
ABOUT FINNICK
finnick gustafson was born to a single mother and ex quidditch player. lorre was kind and loving towards finnick, never leaving him wanting for anything. it wasn’t until finn was older than he realised just how much his mother had sacrificed for him. she was only 26, had a wonderful career and could’ve been the best player in the country. she could’ve given him away for adoption or sent him in a day care, but she gave everything up to give finnick a better life. he cried the day he left for hogwarts, but she was so immensely proud of him. unfortunately for finnick, lorre had been hiding her disease from him for a very long time. by the time he reached his fifth year, the effects had taken their toll and he was taking care of her more than she was of him. he was glad to take care of her. she passed away half way through his seventh year and he got through the rest of year with the support of good friends and supportive teachers.
after hogwarts finnick had to become his own person and for the first time in his life, he had nowhere to turn to. he was good at quidditch at hogwarts so he tried out for his mother’s old team. the first year he was on the reserve team and slowly he made his way to the top, becoming a chaser like his mother and team captain eventually. being on the team meant his crazy routines kept him busy and didn’t give him enough time to properly mourn being alone. he didn’t have a real place to call home and that was just time.
then at 22, he met the love of his life and he didn’t even realise for a very long time. finnick and maggie met at a quidditch after party where they hit it off and decided to stay in contact. their first date didn’t happen for another year by which point they were both staying in london. with maggie finnick had finally found love again. he had someone to look after and someone to come home to, for the first time since the passing of his mother. they were happy, they were so unbelievably happy and nothing could get in their way. his career was thriving, he’d proposed to maggie and her little family was his own too.
then the unthinkable happened, once while performing the bjorn blizzard, their team’s special move which was perfected by his mother, he slid off his broom and tumbled down. the healers said his right leg would never be the same again. they weren’t able to find out what caused the fall, whether it was simply finnick accidentally letting go or a deeper cause. the diagnosis didn’t matter to finnick, what mattered were the painstaking four months spent in therapy afterwards only to find out he’d never walk straight. his pain was chronic and without a cure, he needed the aid of a cane and… he wasn’t able to fly like he once was. flying was still easier than walking but he would never fly quite as swift, definitely not enough to make the team again. his career was over, and next was his perfectly happy life.
the change was incredibly tough on him. he hated not being able to give maggie the life he wanted for them, in these dire times, he couldn’t even find happiness in her. depression crept in and it lingered. it destroyed their perfect lives, finnick had begun to hate himself. in their last few months together, they fought a lot.. things became brutal and finnick couldn’t hang on any longer. he wouldn’t stay with her because he needed help. he loved her dearly, but she deserved a better life… so he left.
he moved back to lund and he tried to live a new life. he needed to find a job where he could share his quidditch and flying knowledge, where he wouldn’t have to stand or sit too long… thankfully there was an opening to teach at hogwarts, and though he knew maggie had been working there for a year prior, he took it. it was his home once, and he needed it right now. even if it would hurt maggie, he just needed to be near her, and hogwarts. little does he know, she doesn’t even work at hogwarts anymore.
so this point in the roleplay, he hasn’t started working at hogwarts and should be widely known as he was a damn good player who suffered a severe accident. honestly he’s just chilling before the festival begins.
BLURBS
haha oh boy i wrote a lot so sorry but finnick hit me like a train and i just had to get my thoughts out
tldr; disabled boy who destroyed everything is now is an angsty flying teacher
he is neutral to the cause but honestly,,,,, he could be swayed either way. hmu idk
my favourite hc is he hates having a cane,,, so he made it into a fucking staff. LIKE a gandalf style staff that is big and thick and yeah he walks with that and wears big robes, what a gandalf wannabe
literally such a fast flier just not good enough to be pro y’know
is sooosoosososos helpful :( will always lend his ear to talk and will help any one. also hmu this is a fun plot
i mean ideally i’d like him to be a lil slutty but like we’ll see idk HMU IF U WANT THIS PLOT
literally fam whatever u want plz just love me love him
weasleys ALSO hmu bc he hurt a fellow weasley y’know
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i wasn’t originally going to post this since i’ve seen several other (perfectly valid) mob psycho timelines out there but you all wanted to see it so here it is!
this does not include pre-canon or the reigen spin off. the first b/c i didn’t really care lol and the second b/c i haven’t read the spin off for reasons i’m sure you already know.
almost every single one of these dates is based on canon evidence (see notes below) but a few are speculation. i go into depth under the cut so if you want to know, say, exactly what day mob buys the monkey shirt you can find out. if you want to see a specific panel hmu!
feel free to use as reference when writing fanfics or meta or whatever else you might want to use it for :D just please don’t repost
Spring of Youth Arc
it’s not super important how many days pass in ep 1 but i think it’s all within a week. might be some overlap with ep 2 (tunnel exorcism on same day takenaka quits club? according to the manga it happens later anyway)
going by anime here: takenaka quits the club monday or tuesday, tome asks mob to join the club wednesday if i remember right (also the day he goes to the girl’s high school) and he joins the body improvement club friday)
(LOL) Cult Arc
not much to say. it’s literally an afternoon and the teru arc starts the very next day
Teruki Hanazawa Arc
happens basically immediately after the cult. like mob knows dimple for like 3 days before he’s “exorcised”
fight on a friday bc it’s on weekend news
aftermath: mob in pink hoodie probably on saturday, mezato interrogates him monday
Big Cleanup Arc
shigeo mentions in the divine tree arc that student council meetings are on mondays. however only having weekly meetings would make this arc take a really long time so i’m guessing it’s semiweekly. i’m guessing the other day is thursday because ritsu says he has a meeting on the thursday that mob confesses
same monday as end of teru arc: student council meeting where ritsu suggests a big cleanup, mitsuura gives ritsu his card
thursday: big cleanup plan submitted, mezato and onigawara look for mob (for totally different reasons), ritsu in the street w/ tokugawa
next monday: student council plans to get rid of onigawara
awakening lab might be on the same day as above but i’m not sure, mob also goes on a “date” with tome that day and sees koyama for the first time. that night is when shinji’s family gets after him for not being perfect and he decides to go apeshit
i’m guessing the recorder scandal happens the next morning (wednesday?). it doesn’t actually say if ritsu awakens that exact day but i’m just going to say it does
a little bit of time goes by (about a week?) ritsu’s becoming popular and he develops his psychic power. teru vs ritsu happens somewhere here. people are complaining about the big clean up
the day that ritsu and kamuro confront onigawara in the body improvement club room is the same day that ritsu first attacks the delinquents from the other schools (monday)
im guessing a day goes by before kamuro is beaten up (tuesday), then another day before he’s beaten up again (wednesday)
kamuro is absent from the student council meeting the next thursday
ritsu only has his powers for 9 days before announcing that he’s obtained loss
7th Division Arc
one month before touichirou arrives in japan. this makes sense because it’s not like the day he arrives he’s going to attack. touichirou probably arrives in late september or early october, prepares things for a couple weeks
mob goes to shinji’s house on sunday, ritsu and mob talk on the swings monday, shinji apologizes to onigawara tuesday. the kageyama parents know about ritsu’s power by tuesday night (what was that conversation like)
Mob’s Girlfriend Mini-Arc
2 weeks long: one for the elections and one for the dating
sidenote: psycho helmet cult has gained 700 followers by now and it’s been about a month according to mezato (and the timeline!)
mob works the monday after his brother’s kidnapped jeez reigen give the kid a break
going to say it’s wednesday when shinji resigns
mezato talks to mob about running on thursday
one week later: elections! (going to say they’re on a friday). emi asks him out that afternoon
mob and emi “date” for a week. im guessing she “breaks up” with him friday and he fixes her torn up story on monday since there’s enough time for everyone to react. i think the anime has all that happen on the same day though. either way is good
Urban Legend Arc
reigen complains about four days without customers
kuchisake-onna: it’s the weekend b/c mob’s wearing a sweater instead of his uniform and also b/c i doubt mob skipped school
reigen makes his website overnight and mob’s wearing his uniform the next day which means the trip to the urban legend town has to be on sunday
the first trip to the ghost house is on a sunday (what a busy day!), and the second trip is on monday
Keiji Mogami Arc
literally the day after the ghost house wtf (so… tuesday?)
if it feels like 6 months for mob would that mean he’s almost a third year in the dream world? or already is a third year? oh no…
uh technically there’s an aftermath the next day but really the arc is one day
Separate Ways Arc
kumagawa’s birthday is in late september btw. idk if there’s any kumagawa stans out there but now you know he’s a libra
kijibayashi’s birthday: 10/5? (also the day mob finally cant take reigen’s bs anymore)
mob doesn’t show up to work for at least four days pre-birthday (probably five days since kijibayashi’s birthday needs to be on a school day)
reigen’s birthday: 10/10 (also i’m assuming this is either the day of or the day after he defeats the video game thing)
he has to have enough time to offer classes and become a local celebrity… i’d assume he offers that course at his office that friday night (10/12). he’s interviewed that day too. a few days later he goes on tv (i’m going to say 10/15)
goes to bar 3 days after the tv show (wednesday 10/17)
thursday 10/18: reporterless-day
friday 10/19: press conference, “my master… he is a good person” *sobs*)
World Domination Arc
mob has 10 days to prepare for the marathon
marathon on friday (11/2)
teru fights shimazaki for the first time saturday morning, mob doesn’t wake up until sometime in the afternoon, and rei-gun is in the evening
mob sleeps like 18 hours… oof
the kageyama parents return home monday evening
Yokai Hunter Mini-Arc
this isn’t listed as seperate from the Divine Tree Arc according to the wiki but i’m calling it a mini-arc because the broccoli isn’t really the focus
mob mentions the future prospects assignment is due in a week
seri starts working at spirits and such a few days after the wd arc ends
going to guess there’s some overlap with the future prospects assignment and that it’s due sometime during culture festival preparations because otherwise the timeline breaks
okay everyone i know culture festivals are usually on or around november 3rd but according to all canon evidence there is absolutely no way that can happen on time. there’s literally no time. it has to take place at least 2 weeks after the wd arc
going to say the culture festival is nov. 18 because that’s all that makes sense (the previous weekend is too soon, and the next weekend is after the divine tree arc
Divine Tree Arc
Friday: Tsubomi sneezes — why dont u stop doing bad things
Saturday: buys The Shirt
Sunday: Psycho Helmet
Monday: Teru, Ritsu, and Reigen all brainwashed, Mob vs Dimple part 2
Telepathy Mini-Arc
finally a nice long break :D
find out about takenaka about one month after Divine Tree Arc
aliens on New Year’s Eve/Day
inukawa’s abducted by aliens for 10 days
???% Arc
inukawa has to be back by the time school starts
Mob finds out Tsubomi’s leaving the day he gets back from winter break (monday) :(
i think he calls her two days later?
the day after that mob is hit by a fucking car (also student council day so… thursday)
Epilogue + Omakes
we all know the epilogue is on 10/10/2013
the summer omake has to be after the ???% arc but i’m not sure what day. probably july
idk what else to say other than i can’t believe i spent so much time on this
#this took a really long time wow#i wrote this before ep 13 so anime things might be a little different#telepathic signals#mp100#mp100 manga spoilers#ask to tag
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lights out (part 1);
↳ pairing: taehyung x female reader
↳ genre: friends to lovers au | horror | crack | fluff | smut
↳ word count: 2,254
�� warnings: cursing, smut for the next part
↳ summary: when your apartment is haunted on a Halloween day but not really.
part 1 | part 2 (final) | masterlist
First thing you notice when you wake up is that all of your doors and drawers are open.
You squint your eyes at the bright light of your phone when you reach one hand to grab it at the nightstand, rolling to your side in the comfort of one of Taehyung’s sweaters you stole.
There are no particular messages you want to reply, so you get up and pad into the corridor to the kitchen dragging your bare feets on the floor and closing all of the doors in the way - and you would have put more thoughts into it if you weren’t so thirsty.
You place your phone at the open kitchen counter and open your refrigerator to fill a glass with ice and water. You massage the side of your head and while you down the welcomed drink, you wonder how and why you are still alive - when the image of Taehyung taking care of you flash in front of your eyes.
Ah, right. Your best friend might be evil and he did dare you last night to drink all of those shots, but he still took you home and helped you in your bed - probably forced down your throat one advil or two too.
You smile to yourself, the fond one you only have reserved to Taehyung and whenever you think about him.
The water you just had felt refreshing though made you feel a little nauseous and you crouch down to open the cabinet under the sink in order to find another pill.
You wince both at the sound of a new message that arrived running throughout the silent place and to the fact that you hit your head when you jumped scared, cursing under your breath after getting up and turning around to grab the device - but stop with your hand froze in the air because when you see it is not there.
A frown adorn your face and you bend over the counter to see if it fell from there and find it on the floor of the living room, meters away from where you left it.
You pick it up at the same time another two messages arrives and you don’t think about anything anymore - the light pain on your head momentarily but easily forgotten when you read the name on the screen.
You feel the smile creeping up on your lips and the way your heartbeat increases, but ignore them as usual.
taetae (11:21): is my dude okay? didn’t drown on your own vomit, did you?
taetae (11:22): should i check?
taetae (11:22): dont forget about the partytttt
you (11:23): stop calling me that
you (11:23): and im alright, you took good care of me ♡
you (11:24): i still hate you though this is your fault
taetae (11:25): not really??? and you love me
you (11:25): hm
taetae (11:26): ㅠ_ㅠ
you (11:26): whatever lmao see you later
taetae (11:27): ( ＾∇＾)
You roll your eyes and go back to the kitchen, shoving your phone into the pocket of your sweater.
You move around to make yourself some simple breakfast, something that will stay inside of your stomach without much effort and not long after you are sitting at the cold floor and eating, the other pill already swallowed.
You munch on your food, thinking about Taehyung’s text and the past week.
You see, there’s this tradition between you and your friends - that started not much after you all entered college. It’s when you find a way, no matter what, to spend a whole week together.
And they chose what they say is the best time of the year.
They chose Halloween.
So every last week of october you find yourself getting drunk, doing stupid things - because you are all stupids, but seeing each other at least.
That was the way you all managed to keep in contact. And yes, you might curse them all for the entirety of the month of november, but dude you have fun.
Even if you can’t remember half of the things that happened - and still have fresh on your mind the ones you wanted to forget.
Like Taehyung avoiding you like the plague yesterday at one point.
You think how it shouldn’t be important, seeing as he took care of you later and texted you today like nothing happened - but he didn’t stay the night. And he always he did.
Pushing the thought away and laughing briefly at the image of - please listen, a drunk Seulgi asking the DJ of the nightclub to play the music theme of Winx Club, you stand up and place the empty plate at the sink.
Taking in one deep breath you stretch your body, feeling slightly better. A nap would make you feel renewed.
Your body stiffen though when you hear the loud pitched voice of a comedian echoing through the thin walls of the apartment - it comes from the TV at the living room, you think, and you frown deeply when you see the images dancing in front of you when you approach it.
The volume is all the way up, and you twist around looking for the remote - giving up when you don’t find it and pressing the single button at the TV to turn it off.
You space out, arms hanging loose at your sides and eyes wide. Your mind force yourself to remind of the open doors and drawers and then the way your phone appeared on the living room when you swear you placed it on the kitchen counter, and now this.
You laughed incredulously now.
You blame hungover and your sleepy state when you woke up and shrug the bad feeling off of your body.
Not that you have really bad hangovers after being taken care of, and not that you were that sleepy when you woke up - but today is the exception. You will pretend at least that today is different.
Unfortunately, your day is really different. Unfortunately because it is not in the way you expected it to be.
Really weird things happened while you tried to distract yourself with chores - that you decided you’d be doing after you tossed helplessly around in bed trying to take a nap.
The shower turned on while you were inside your room and the lights flickered so many times that at one point you lost count. You heard the front door cracking open and then shutting twice, the TV was loud again and you were too scared to go back to the living room - so you just reached your arm out and with the remote of the TV in your room you turned it off.
But what made you snap and take a few clothes and important documents (because you are responsible and smart) and shove them inside a bag was the power.
One moment you were curled up in your bed with headphones and loud music playing, and the other you were screaming because the whole house becomes pitch black - all of your electric appliances shutting down in that characteristic sound.
-
“Well demon, you want my house?” You sigh, taking one last look at your beloved apartment before shouting the next sentence that followed with the loud bang of the door shutting close, “you fucking have it!”
You huff under your breath, carrying the heavy bag you arranged behind you, “I’m going to live in a church,” you muttered. “God bless me.”
You were so irritated that a demon had the courage to haunt your apartment that you didn’t notice that yours was the only one without energy.
Nor the person carefully hidden in the corner, close to the panel boards. Your panel board.
-
Taehyung practices his most serious yet surprised expression in front of the mirror before turning around to open the door and welcome you.
“Hi?” he looks at you with said expression and proud.
You enter his house without waiting for invitation - not that you needed it but you always had good manners, and drop your heavy bag on the floor.
“The party is one hour away,” he eyed you up and down. “Why you are not dressed yet?”
“My house is haunted and I’m going to sleep here with you until the demon decides to have mercy on me and leave.” You cry and your brows knitted together the moment you noticed how crazy you sounded.
You think though that this is not important, not when you are going through something like this.
And Taehyung is just as crazy as you and all of your friends combined - that’s saying a lot because you are friends with Kim Seokjin, so he is not one to judge you.
He covers his mouth with a fist, turning his laugh into a cough before you see it, “a demon?”
“Well,” you click your tongue. “Yeah, maybe some kind of spiritual shit that I don’t have the mental stability to deal with.”
Is just now that you take a good look in Taehyung and see he is wearing a purple suit, and his hair is sprayed with a bright green color. You pout, “I forgot about that.”
“What are you waiting for now that you are here?” He grabs you by the shoulder and guide you to his room, running back to grab your bag to place it gently in your arms.
He did not hear a word you said?
“I-“ you look at him hesitantly before deciding that you can talk to him about it later. You don’t want to ruin his halloween night with something that you hope is just inside of your head, “I don’t have my fantasy here with me.”
He raises one eyebrow at you before entering the room and disappearing inside of the closet. The sound of his voice comes low from there when he calls for your name.
“Here you go,” he hands you a paper bag after you met him and when you grab and open it your jaw drop.
“B-but how?” your confused expression is too cute for him to deal with when you see your Batman fantasy inside the bag, so he bend over you to kiss your cheek.
Sure, you bought it together but you know you took it home with you.
You were sure, and now you are scared of going mad at such a young age. What a waste.
Taehyung is once again holding his laugh back in his throat because of the way you look at him. He move to the left little enough to peck your nose and then he is shutting the door behind him to give you some privacy.
“Don’t take too long, I’ll need help with my makeup!” You hear his voice through the door and sigh in defeat.
-
“Stop moving,”
“Sorry.” He said for the nth time.
“Shush, Tae,” you rub your thumb over his mouth until the red lipstick is all smudged.
You low your hand but can’t take your eyes off of his lips; not that you never noticed but today they are specially soft. They felt soft under your fingers too. Somehow you can even feel it against yours. And you wonder if- “Done!”
Taehyung almost fall off the chair with your outburst and you are stepping back until the back of your knees hits the couch.
You don’t know that, but he was wondering the same thing. Not how your lips felt - that he knew, but about kissing you. And he was just relieved as you were because of your outburst, though the reasons differed.
He watched the way you turned to the mirror and nervously straightened your clothes, a side smile on his face and heart fluttering. You have no idea how excited he is to that party, yet he wasn’t about to deny how nervous he felt. What if his friends were all wrong?
“Why is it called a Batman fantasy when it’s a dress?” You say looking down at your clothes.
He stands up and approach you from behind, holding your back against his chest and resting his chin on the crown of your head, “because it was made for man to look at.”
You elbow him on the stomach playfully, and he moves from behind you with a pained expression. You stick your tongue out to him teasingly and he pinch your arm until you pull him away.
“Child,” he said.
You shrugged, grabbing your phone from the Batman’s utility belt, “c’me here so we can take a nice pic,”
He posed at your side, and in the end after so many pictures and selfies you were laughing at each other’s silly faces.
“Hey, we look good,” you had your eyes in one of the pictures, but he was watching your reflection from the mirror.
He said softly that yes, we do. And your eyes moved from the bright screen to meet his.
How come he looks so hot dressed as the fucking Joker?
The silence that engulfed the room is not weird, but the way the air shifts around you two and how you feel the tension between your bodies makes you gulp, almost thanking loudly when both yours and Taehyung’s phones buzz in your hands.
He is the one to read the message and pull you by the hand out of the house and towards his car, “we should get going, they are waiting for us.”
You don’t know if it was the greatest or worst timing your friends had.
A/N: this was a halloween special that was updated too late after halloween but at least it was out haha thank you for reading and please let me know what you think about this first part!
#btssmutclub#kwritersworldnet#taehyung x reader#taehyung smut#taehyung fanfic#bts x reader#bts smut#bts fanfic
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I’m just gonna vent a little down below. feel free to ignore; TW for panic attacks, PTSD, slight self harm and suicide mention, etc.
so in november of 2018, the scariest thing in my life happened too me. i won’t go into much detail, as i’ve talked about it here before. i had a psychosis episode and hallucinated the scariest shit. told the paramedic to kill me, told him to call the cops to kill me. went to the ER, came down from the episode, was fine for a while.
i still had nightmares, but PTSD can be funny. it took till october of 2019 for the real illness to take it’s form. it’s diagnosed, btw, i’m not just saying i have PTSD because i think i do; it’s actually in my records. not self-diagnose shaming or anything, but it’s not the case for me.
in october i stopped functioning all together. i had panic attacks all the time. i was constantly dissociating. i couldn’t even normally visit with my mother when she came up from florida. i was so out of my mind with fear and dissociation. i ended up going to the ER, because i wasn’t eating, i kept calling off work, i. could. not. function.
the doctor prescribed me xanax... and everything stopped. the panic attacks, the dissociation, the fear, the flashbacks. it wasn’t even a high dose, but it got me through. i ate again. i worked again.
my psychiatrist took me off of it though. prescribed me vistiril of all things; aka, an antihistamine. AN ANTIHISTAMINE. BASICALLY BENEDRYL FOR PANIC ATTACKS WITH PSYCHOSIS SYMPTOMS. WHAT.
so i did things my own way. i found a dealer. i bought xanax illegally; i’m still on the same small dose i was on when i first got prescribed. i didn’t have any withdrawal when i was taken off of it or anything, but it all came back. the sleepless nights, the panic attacks, the disassociation. i lost 15 pounds in two weeks.
i said i would wait until my other meds kicked in - my zoloft and seroquel. don’t get me wrong - they work amazingly, but not for what i need. my zoloft helps my depression amazingly, and my seroquel helps even out my moods and puts me to sleep at night. but it doesn’t even TOUCH my anxiety. maybe takes the edge off, but i feel that all too sickeningly and familiar feeling of my consciousness floating away from my body; and suddenly my hands aren’t my own. they’re too big and they’re not mine. they don’t feel like mine. i feel like i’m looking at myself from above, like i’m not even in my body. it’s called depersonalization; it’s a form of dissociation.
so i continued my xanax. still at the same small dose. only take it when i feel myself start to panic, or if i feel myself floating off. with the mix of all three drugs; i’ve never felt better in my life. i got a new job; went from working 20 hours a week to 40+. i’m on my way to buying a house. i’ve never been this stable.
but the thing is; my dealer won’t have xanax forever. i have enough for a while though, probably another two or three months. i’m fine for now. but i know when i run out, and can’t buy anymore, and if i don’t get a prescription - i know im going back to the psych ward. i know i will.
don’t get me wrong - i know the dangers of benzos. i know they can be addicting, i know they can be fatal in the situation of an overdose or when mixed with alcohol. again, i take a tiny dose compared to most people prescribed, and i never EVER drink on it. i’m careful. i know addiction can sneak up, but i don’t know how i can become addicted to something i know i need. hell, you can withdrawal from anything; although i know benzo withdrawal is awful and can be hell.
i just don’t know what i can tell my psychiatrist. no matter how many times i tell her that i’m living in hell every day, that i have to call off of work just so i don’t have a panic attack right there on the floor, how i can’t even bring myself to eat when it gets real bad. i’ve told her everything. what else can i say? that if things go on i’ll resort back to self harm? or that i’ll kill myself? because honestly if i have to go without them, and deal with the everyday panic attacks and dissociating - i fucking might. i just don’t know what else to tell her. i’ve tried everything she’s given me. i’ve followed the steps from my therapist. but i’m sorry - breathing exercises aren’t going to help me when i start hallucinating. talking about what happened to me isn’t going to take away the fear of the fact that i literally thought i was dying. an ANTIHISTAMINE isn’t going to help me forget the way my husband’s face melted into one of pure horror when i screamed in his face that i was going to die and leave him behind in that moment. it’s not going to take away the fact that i hit my head into the wall as hard as i could over and over and over again because i thought it would make the hallucinations go away.
it replayed in my head all the time. the flashbacks. it’s awful. his fucking face, his yelling at me, him trying to comfort me as i thought about jumping from the fucking window.
i don’t want to go back to how i felt. i want to continue feeling like this. normal, and put together. last night i forgot to take my dose and it came back. i had a nightmare and when i woke up, i wasn’t in my body again. time started to slow and i felt the black edged come into my vision to make way for the hallucinations again. i was so fucking scared.
i can’t just keep going on trying different meds that don’t work when i already have the meds that DO work. i’m not popping them for fucking fun. i don’t feel high when i’m on them or anything. i just feel.... normal. i’m not scared.
i just don’t know what the fuck to do. i see my therapist and psychiatrist soon but i don’t know what to tell them. it’s like they never take me seriously. they hear what i say. i don’t know if they think i’m playing it up for laughs or what - but in actuality if anything, i’m down playing it. do i have to lower my walls and just break down in their office?? like i want to? like i keep myself from doing every time? what. am. i. supposed. to. do.
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Hanhan’s October writing challenge: Rammstein Halloween pt #3
I saw a very interesting documentary about noctambulism, so I used it as a reference for this prompt.
#3 Nocturnal animal
The prompt: The character is distressed from several nights of nightmares/sleep paralysis, all of which leave them waking up terrified. Eventually, what they see in their dreams start to blend into reality.
-
It had started innocently when they had moved together almost a year ago. Richard was aware of it, but still, he was surprised when he had actually seen it for the first time: his partner raising from their bed, mumbling gibberish in an imaginative language, not understanding anything that was going on. Richard had dragged Paul back next to him, whispering soothing words to his ear. Paul never remembered anything in the morning. The only things reminding him of his nightly habits were that he was either exhausted to death or he had a horrible headache - in the worst cases, both.
They had joked about it together when they had imagined what Paul could achieve in his dream state: making artistic masterpieces, recording albums or something else as crazy which wouldn’t be possible when he was conscious. Richard had found the rare trait of his partner cute at first.
But as time went on, Paul’s somnambulism seemed to get worse. He started wandering around the house instead of just taking a few steps in their bedroom. Occasionally, he visited their kitchen, opening the fridge and the cupboards, seeking a nightly snack. A couple of times by chance, Richard had woken up and wondered did he forgot the light on in the kitchen - but no, there was Paul sitting on their table and munching pretzels which they were supposed to have as breakfast. Paul had tried to ease the confusion about the incident later by asking Richard would he still love him if he got fat because of the nocturnal snacking.
Every passing night, Richard got more and more worried and he didn’t know what to expect for the upcoming night. It affected his sleep - or actually, his whole life - as well. And what was the worst, it didn’t affect only their everyday duties, it had a negative effect on their relationship as well. To be completely honest, Richard didn’t even remember when was the last time they’d had a proper sexual intercourse. Now it seemed like every single night they were so drained that they went to sleep straight after having a late dinner.
After one particular night though, Richard’s worst fears came true and something irreversible happened. It was not only that their sexual life was perishing - that night, Paul proved that he was actually a fatal risk both to himself and to people around him.
It hadn’t started very promisingly. Once again, Paul had worked his ass off and had come back home late. The former night Richard had been dragging him back to bed from outside when he had walked to their front yard only in his pajamas, locking the door behind him. Luckily, the neighbor had been walking his dog and had rung the doorbell. Paul was already scared would the upcoming night be ruined as well. A lot of stress was on his shoulders and it didn’t help that his partner seemed to get grumpier day by day.
“Honey, is there something bothering you?” Paul asked when they had been sitting in awkward silence for way too long - he couldn’t stand it. Even though he hated his condition, he didn’t want to upset his partner.
“No,” Richard answered, pretending to be busy chewing his dinner.
“Don’t lie to me,” Paul said, his tone getting a bit accusing.
Richard put the fork and knife aside and looked at his partner. “You call me…a liar?”
“We haven’t been properly talking for days, you seem to be so grumpy all the time.” And we are not having any kind of sex life, he almost added. “Are you even interested in me anymore?”
Richard sighed. “Paulchen, please, don’t start this again. Of course, I still love you, just this condition of yours…it’s quite distressing for me as well.”
Paul stood up and pointed at his partner. “So you think I’m doing my nightly activities on purpose, just to annoy you, huh?”
“Don’t put words in my mouth which I haven’t even said. You’re overreacting once again. You need a proper rest. In fact, we both need.”
Paul banged his fist to the table and screamed: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry I’m not the perfect man you assumed me to be! You just don’t fucking understand what I’m going through!” Then, he left the kitchen, leaving Richard alone - the only thing he could do was to blink his glossy eyes in confusion.
That night Richard decided to sleep in the guest room - he knew very well how naive it was, but he had the right to be pissed in this situation. Paul had hurt him and every day it seemed to get worse.
You just don’t fucking understand. The cruel words echoed in his mind making him sob once again. He wanted desperately to understand and to support, but his partner didn’t even let him come close so how could he? He didn’t know what to do and he was too ashamed to ask for anybody’s help.
When he had been asleep for a while, Richard suddenly heard a loud siren. It was at first mixed with his bizarre dream until he realized it actually came from their house. Waking up in the middle of the night wasn’t anything new, but this time he had an intuition that something was seriously out of place.
He stood up and rubbing his eyes at the same time, made his way towards the source of the horrible cacophony.
“Gott im Himmel, what the fuck is going on…” Richard mumbled while holding his nose in a cloud of heavy smoke. It was so harsh that it was difficult to see anything.
When he reached the kitchen he witnessed the cause: a frying pan, almost in flames, with something scorched - distantly resembling a piece of bacon - on it. It seemed like Paul’s nightly snacks had gone to the next level.
Holy shit.
As swiftly as he could, Richard put a fire blanket on the frying pan and turned off the stove. He opened the kitchen hood and all the windows he could.
But even their house getting almost burnt down, he was more concerned about another - way more important - thing: where on earth was Paul? Richard blamed himself for all of this mess. Would this have been avoided if he wouldn’t have acted so foolishly earlier?
He wandered around their apartment, calling his partner, without any answer - the whole house was eerily silent. Seemed like his boyfriend had vanished into thin air.
Drowsy and confused, Richard sat on the sofa, wondering what he should do now. He didn’t pay attention to the vague sounds in the background at first - he thought they were coming from the neighbor. Then, he suddenly remembered how Paul had walked outside just last night.
Richard had barely opened the front door when he saw something he could have never imagined to witness.
Fuck, it can’t be…
“PAUL, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!” he shouted as loud as he could, running towards his partner at the same time, but it was useless. It was impossible to wake him up now.
Richard tried to act but he was only a couple of seconds too late. Just when he grabbed the car’s door handle, Paul reversed so rapidly that he almost hit the neighbor’s garage and then, with tires screeching, their Volkswagen disappeared in the dark night.
#rammstein#31horrificdays#richard kruspe#paul landers#short story#october challenge#fanfiction#a bit disturbing#sleepwalking#my fics
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my dad group texted my brother and i, highly unusual, and i think jordan was weirded out too cause his response was equally short and confused. on the list of things my little brother and i have never discussed, our dad’s relative interest or lack there of in our lives is pretty high. dad’s been messaging me since october, asking about stuff like where my next living plans are (which he has never done since i first moved out age eighteen), and i’ve only been vaguely responding to the point blank questions cause its just. so. weird. i think my grandpa’s death has shaken dad’s worldview a bit more than he’s been letting on.
he alienated my brother and i pretty much immediately after his secretive marriage to the bottle blonde rich bitch when i was 22. he kicked my brother out as soon as jordan turned 18, and when i discovered this by coming home one summer and seeing jordan wasnt in the house, i got so fucking mad that it was the first time i ever had a full out screaming match at my dad. and apparently this display of anger was when rich bitch decided she didn’t like me (probably valid, but also ironic because pretty much from birth it was known in my entire extended family that dad and i were almost identical personality wise, and both of us have tempers where we will not get mad at anything but frustration will build up and up until on the rare blue moon it boils over, and oh boy. watch out. those moments were the only times i was ever scared of my dad as a kid and i think it only happened twice in my entire life)(if she thinks im crazy when im angry, she should see my dad)
but i was crazy mad because while i was lucky enough to be put in therapy due to attempting to starve myself into non existence at age 13 (many many sessions of ‘family’ therapy with me in the center of a long couch silently trying to pretend i was invisible and my mom two feet away at one end and dad on the opposite end of the couch, and my mom doing all the talking, ranting and raving about how im starving myself to punish her. and then the therapist kicking both my parents out and trying to convince me to say a few words, and her finally getting me to realize that how my mom treated me was not normal and not something i needed to put up with if it made me sad and scared, and then the therapist realizing that i was still too sad and scared to confront it, and her and i coming up with a compromise where we would tell my mom that i was just ‘really attached’ to dad’s house and it wasnt that i was terrified of living with my mom or liked my dad better, it was that i just really liked living in one place instead of out of a suitcase and moving every week), and so had both the therapist and my dad supporting me when at fourteen i finally said enough was enough and demanded that my dad get full custody so i didnt have to spend every other week with my abusive mother anymore - while i got out of that situation, my brother didnt. i tried, he knew that it was my decision to live full time with dad and i made it clear he could do the same, but just as it was a given that i was identical to dad’s personality, my brother was identical to mom’s so i think he was more attached to her than i was. either way, he always refused and insisted on continuing to live between both of them. after i hit driving age, my dad transferred responsibility to me for shuttling my brother to and from my dad’s house to my mom’s apartment. dad’d lock himself in his room, or go to the gym, and i’d turn on an endless rotation of star wars movies for jordan and i to watch before i had to take him to his next week’s place (phantom menace was our favorite cause darth maul was just cool ok, dont judge).
anyway, the last day i ever stayed at my moms house, my brother was there. and i must have been twenty or twenty one because he would have only been around seventeen. but even at seventeen he was well over six foot five cause he got all the height in the family which was totally not fair but thats besides the point. so while i was there my mom flew into one of her alcohol induced rages, and took it all out on my brother. i had intellectually figured that all the anger my mom used to take out on me had then transferred to my brother once i stopped living there every other week, but up until that point i hadn’t actually seen it. she started shoving him, and punching him, and not enough so it would hurt much, because as i said he was well over six feet and she was barely five six, so he could pretty well block any thing she dished out. but he was cornered, and he looked scared. and i was hiding useless on the stairwell, crying, and begging mom to stop. and it only stopped cause jordan managed to slip out the front door and once he escaped mom went back into the kitchen, still yelling and angry. and i took the chance to grab my school bag and leave in solidarity. and my brother and i stood there awkwardly on the porch, me still crying, and him smoking and trying to look cool and not like he just got chased out of the apartment by a woman half his size. and i promised him we wouldnt go back until she calmed down, and that she was being unreasonable and he didnt deserve any of it, and id figure out somewhere to go. and we started walking down the sidewalk, but not together because we were never that close. he wandered off somewhere to smoke. and that’s as far as i remember.
this day came up in conversation with my grandma in the months after grandpa’s death, during one of our many three am can’t sleep conversations in grandma’s kitchen (grandma would wake up, i’d hear her get out of bed and wake up too. she’d make herself tea and eat some graham crackers and we’d sit together at the table feeling the third empty chair like an ache). grandma brought it up, because apparently, even though i cant remember this at all, i had my no/kia brick phone in my school bag (a minor miracle because i hated carrying around cell phones for the longest time), and i actually called grandma. and grandpa and her came to pick me up, and they found me sitting on a wall a block away from my mom’s apartment, and then we drove around till we found jordan, and then we all went back to my grandparent’s house. after bringing this up, grandma then, completely unprompted, told me something that child me thought about regularly - she said that even though her mom died when she was 8, leaving her to help raise her two younger siblings, grandma thought in some ways it was easier than what my brother and i went through with the divorce and my mom leaving. i used to regularly - not wish my mom dead, exactly - but wish i could pretend she was dead, rather than her just not being there anymore. especially since, when i was suddenly thrown into being her sole emotional and physical punching bag now that dad wasn’t filling the role anymore, a lot of the times being around her post divorce was not a good thing. (I cut off all contact with my mom finally at age 25 and haven’t looked back)
so yeah, i was fucking pissed that i had worked so hard to try to mitigate the damage i caused by leaving jordan alone with my mom for pretty much the entirety of my high school years...only to have my dad kick him out barely a few years after i left for college and thus putting my brother at my mom’s mercy. ostensibly my dad kicked my brother out because of his drug addictions, but my brother was the most mild mannered addict i’ve ever known. the worst thing he ever did was steal a couple hundred dollars from me, but he never got violent, he never got angry. other people got angry at him. my aunt once tried to fight him in a hospital elevator because he sold my cousin heroin or meth or some shit and my cousin ended up impaling a knife in his chest in front of my grandma, which is a whole nother story. but jordan was only nineteen when that happened. my cousin? thirty six. and a long time violent and angry drug addict with a record (he threw a book at his professor’s head and got kicked out of grad school while on cocaine once, which is how he ended up back in washington state and needing a new drug dealer - hence my brother suddenly getting involved) (same cousin later flew into a drug fueled rage in his forties and almost beat his girlfriend to death) (my brother was long since clean by then and had nothing to do with our cousin getting drugs at that point)
all this to say my dad’s rich bitch new wife didn’t think a drug addict and mentally ill artist fit into her picture perfect family, so dad started making it clear we were not welcome at family functions unless we complied with very strict rules. ironically, jordan was let back into the fold first partially because i can hold a grudge for a very long time and i was very very terrified of my mom and dad was the sane stable one and i had trusted him to take care of everything even without me there and dad had failed pretty spectacularly at that. im still bitter at my dad for his secret marriage and subsequent moving into her million dollar mansion and throwing my brother out. but also partially because jordan started following all of dad’s rules, got himself cleaned up (he moved in with his girlfriend, and i think being out of mom’s house had a lot to do with getting over his addictions), started studying computer science, found a really good software engineering job, suddenly dad approved of him. i also partially antagonized rich bitch wife by doing silly things like wearing black leather pants and the most provocative clothes i owned whenever i went over to their house. rich bitch was a very simple narrow minded person with a lot of prejudices. i imagine i was not seen as a good influence on her two younger daughters. and eventually they stopped seeing me altogether. even when i was living in washington for all of 2017 - the only time i ever saw dad was when he’d come visit my grandparents alone. the day before i took grandma on the train to move to ohio, we were supposed to all have dinner together at our family’s favorite place to eat out - crossroads mall - and the rich bitch refused to show up. that’s how petty she is. she also is so dumb she’s under the delusion that kids get into drugs if they don’t have dogs (????) so that’s why she forced my dad to get a dog for her spoiled brat youngest when the girl went into high school. my dad dislikes animals, so i will say one of the highlights of this marriage is seeing my dad become a dog person. the rich bitch and her daughters mostly ignore the dog, but my dad is so attached to max that he even lets the little puppy sit in his lap while driving. anyway, anyone who thinks dogs are the sole answer to preventing drug addictions can go to hell.
yeah, blah blah blah, to sum up its WEIRD for my dad to suddenly be texting my brother and i unprompted, and asking me about my life and my plans. i dont really know how to deal. i miss him. he was always the closest person in my life to the point where even when i moved away for college, i still assumed after i graduated i’d just move back in with dad so it was only four years being gone, cause why would i ever want to live anywhere else?. i kept thinking if i could hit some level of success that he would approve of, that maybe eventually i could become somebody his rich bitch wife would associate with. but that never happened, obviously.
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In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.
2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.
I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it.
(My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)
February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day.
(My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.)
Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with!
(My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)
April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days.
(My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!)
May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs.
(My car the day I took it home!)
Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future.
(I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)
In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.
(I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)
August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe.
(Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)
When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on.
(Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)
October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months.
(My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)
November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now.
(I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)
In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December!
(I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)
Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)
Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go.
So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!
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