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#im not even being that much of an asshole im just leaving their messages on read bc im passive agressive like that
jleijl · 9 months
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COWARD
summary: when sae’s inconsistent attitude actually starts to drive you away, he’s forced to face his fears in order to not lose you.
warnings: kinda toxic but a little is good for the soul, sae is an asshole who doesn’t acknowledge his feelings, good ending bc only evil ppl write angst no comfort
A/N: i write fluff but surprise ! the only shit i’ve experienced is this stuff but with no cute feelings 💀i think this is the longest shit ive ever written like damn.. can u tell im experienced.
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itoshi sae, for the longest time you’ve known him, is a coward.
when you tell him that, he always gets pissed off, ignoring you for a day or two before inevitably texting you again, because “he’s the only person you should be talking to,” or whatever bullshit he claims.
he’s a fucking asshole too— calling you late at night because he can’t sleep or kissing you up at the many parties he drags you to because he was bored. that shit was only the tip of the iceberg when it came to your complicated relationship.
it’s not long before your phone lights up suddenly, the bright screen glowing 7:28 pm with a familiar notification under it.
sae : im omw in 20
sae : im taking my sweet fuckin time since ik you take forever
all you do is roll your eyes at his message. he was acting like he was the considerate one waiting, when he told you last minute that he needed you for another one of his networking parties.
you : youre the one all over me when i get dressed up
sae : yea? so what? my point still stands
sae : im the only reason you should be getting all pretty for anyway
you hate how his words still get you riled up, despite the fact that you aren’t his. not officially anyway. you hate how he makes you feel like the only one in the world before going to mess with other girls.
there’s a small part of you that holds onto the fact that he really does like you, that he’s too stupid and afraid of his own feelings for you. the festering thought of how maybe, just maybe, that when he kisses you half drunk, it’s his messed up way of saying: i like you!
but you know it’s not true when you see his millionth scandal about being caught with another model, or how he lets his fan girls swarm him after his games instead of coming to you directly. it was fucking embarrassing how you were so madly in love with a guy who didn’t give two shits about you.
so you hold onto this horrible exchange, where you’re his girl when he feels like it, where the boundaries between lovers and strangers didn’t exist.
you : ur funny. u alr know that isnt true
sae : stfu
sae: ill srsly block you. quit talking to that new guy hes fucking ugly
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sae hates it when you mess with him, when you call him a coward, when you ignore his texts and calls because you’re with a new guy.
he hates all of it, but clings onto you so desperately because you’re his.
when he sees that you leave his message on read, he only sighs before finally putting his car into ignition. he’d never admit that he was sitting in his car doing nothing but texting you because he wanted to give you extra time, since he did ask you very last second.
sae doesn’t realize how tight his grip is on the wheel or how he’s gradually speeding up at the thought of seeing you. he always ignores the knots in his stomach when he’s with you because truthfully, it’s daunting.
he knows that you’re right when you call him a coward, even though you never explicitly state the reasoning behind it. he knows that he likes you, more than anything actually, and he knows that he doesn’t want anyone but you.
nothing else crosses his mind except you when he’s talking to models who only want his money and fame. when he catches the disappointed look on your face from the field as his fans flock him for pictures, he sighs in relief at your hurt expression.
it’s so fucked up, he’s aware, that he takes comfort in the fact that you wanted his attention as much as he wanted yours. but he can’t bring himself to tell you the truth.
if everything was okay the way it was now, there was no need to change it, right?
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“you look pretty tonight.”
you open your door to a tall figure standing over you. sae never particularly dresses up for anything, opting for just another blazer in his closet. but on his stature, everything always ends up looking expensive.
the boy eyes the unlocked phone in your hand thats open on messages. he squints his eyes in annoyance.
“don’t tell me you were fucking texting him after leaving me on read.”
“it’s our conversation dumbass. i was doing my makeup.”
“why do you have me labelled as just ‘sae’?” the boy grabs your wrist and holds your phone up to his frowning face. “change that shit right now.”
“what, to ‘side bitch’?” you hum. “that doesn’t sound too bad, actually.”
“ha ha, very funny,” sae glares at you. “just change it tonight.”
you only shrug your shoulder before shuffling past him into the front seat of his car. sae stares at you before sighing.
he knows you won’t.
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you’re hoping that sae gets swept up by press or sponsors that want to endorse him tonight. there was already a growing mob around him and it wasn’t long before you completely slipped away.
the chattering of the crowds did little to block out the thoughts plaguing your mind as you move to pour yourself another drink. it was always the same thing happening at these events. sae brings you as his manager, his coach, hell, he even posed an injury once to have you accompany him as a physical therapist, before completely abandoning you to network. you aren’t sure why you’re even there in the first place.
then sometimes, he’ll find you and drag you to the bathrooms just to make out with you. and after a couple minutes or so, he immediately goes back to the party.
the first time this has happened, your mind blanked and all you could think to do was kiss him back. once the third and fourth time rolled around, you began to think about it a little more. maybe you shouldn’t have been kissing your famous athlete friend who’d most definitely get into huge trouble if this was found out. yet still, you continued to kiss him, in hopes that maybe once, he’ll stay. he never does.
so you decide for tonight that it wouldn’t happen again, that tonight you would sneak out before he could find you and call an uber home.
“you alright?”
your thoughts are interrupted by another boy’s voice and you look up to meet familiar pink eyes. you can only faintly recall where you know him from, before you realize he’s another athlete sae had played with.
the boy seems to notice your confusion before smiling and wrapping an arm around your shoulder.
“shidou. you alright pretty?” his blonde hair falls close to your face as he leans closer and closer to you. “looks like you’re gonna vomit or somethin’.”
your head spins from his touch and cologne. bubblegum, an odd choice for a man.
“i.. was planning to leave. i don’t have any business being here.”
shidou tilts his head, his piercing stare going through you, like he was looking behind.
“wanna get outta here then?”
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when your hand slips out of his, sae immediately notices. but with people surrounding him and cameras flashing, there’s nothing sae can do about it. he’ll just have to look for you later, like always.
sae can only bring himself to kiss you when he’s exhausted from others and tipsy from the surplus of drinks he’s had to manage the crowds. it’s not like him at all when he finally finds you and drags you to the bathroom to kiss.
it’s the only time he can be direct with how he feels. when he crashes his face into yours, he can only pray that you don’t feel his hold on you tightening. he’s not sure how to feel when you let him kiss you but he doesn’t ever bring it up. once he’s done, he always runs away.
he’s a coward and he hates it.
but when his gaze finally falls onto you and there’s another man, let alone his friend, wrapped around you, the little constraint he had left died. sae only stares, the usual knot in his stomach growing bigger and twisting tighter. when shidou finally looks up from behind your shoulder to meet sae’s eyes, he already knows what the blonde is telling him.
‘stop being a fucking coward before you regret it.’
the moment you begin to get up with shidou, he books it towards you, ignoring the clamor behind him.
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when sae finally makes it outside, he sees your lone figure sitting on the bottom few stairs from the entrance. the slight realization that you’re shivering sends him running towards you to drape his blazer over your shoulder.
“..shidou? i thought you-,” when you’re met with green eyes instead, your voice betrays you.
“where.. where did shidou go?” he’s out of breath, not really from running, but from fear. he’s afraid of what you’ll say.
“um.. he said he had to go back inside after calling an uber for me,” you can’t bring yourself to look sae in the eyes. “he’s still there. if you’re looking for him.”
sae widens his eyes.
“an uber? where are you going? the event isn’t-,”
“don’t be fucking stupid sae.”
when you finally turn to look at him, there’s tears welling up.
“i’m not some.. emotional support doll you can bring around whenever you want,” he feels a lump in his throat when your words are broken up with small hiccups and sniffling. “don’t fucking kiss me if you don’t mean it.”
now there’s full tears running down your face but he doesn’t know if they’re from anger or hurt.
“i.. don’t want to do this shit anymore sae. if you’re using me, just tell me. i can’t take it any longer.”
you drop your head into your knees and your tears begin to stain his blazer. an uncomfortably long silence hangs in the air and your heart feels like it’s been ripped out.
a hand is placed on your head after a while, stroking your hair softly.
“..sorry.”
you furrow your brows at his one word response after what had felt like ages of waiting.
“so that’s it, huh? you’re apologizing for using me?”
he winces at your harsh tone but by the way you’re still curled in your position, he takes it as incentive that you’re only hurt.
“n..no. i’m sorry for,” he pauses and stares at the sky for a bit, an attempt to ease the nauseating feeling bubbling in his chest. “i’m sorry for being an idiot. and an asshole.”
you don’t say anything or move, so he continues.
“i was so afraid, you don’t even know. afraid of shit changing if i said anything, afraid that you’d be grossed out if i was being genuine, afraid…,” he closes his eyes. “afraid of not being enough. for you.”
his hand was still stroking your head.
“i’ll admit it: i’m a coward. but then i’ll also have to admit that i’m in love with you and only you. there’s nothing else to that.”
you finally lift your head slightly and look at him, though only your puffy eyes were visible. his gaze softens and he moves his hand to caress your face.
“i’m sorry for making you feel like shit, for running away when i dragged you in. but.. please give me a second try. as your..” he hesitates. “as your boyfriend.”
the two of you stare at each other for what felt like ages before you pull your phone out. his heart sinks at your lack of response until he notices you opening his contact.
“sae, parentheses, boyfriend,” you look away from him, feeling slightly embarrassed. “is.. that okay?”
the knot that has been in his stomach for months finally cut and sae could feel himself breathing normally again.
“a heart. add a heart after it.”
“you have to earn that first.”
he scoffs a little but ruffles your hair.
“yeah, okay, fine. are you still leaving?”
you squint at the road to see a small light getting brighter and nod your head.
“i don’t really belong there anyway. don’t tell me you’ll miss me?” sae rolls his eyes at your usual teasing, though he’s glad you’re back.
“yeah, what’s it to you?” he turns his head back to the door and sighs when your ride pulls to the sidewalk. “i still have to go back but.. i’ll come by after.”
you nod your head and stand up, his blazer still wrapped around you. he’s turning back to the entrance but doesn’t go in until he watches you get into the car.
“and block that stupid dude you’ve been texting!”
you only roll your eyes and pull up the window as the car begins to drive off. he stands for a while, staring into the dark of where your car drove off before finally opening the door.
despite you not being there, sae finally felt okay. to know that you were there at home waiting for him rather than avoiding him while being in the same room, maybe he didn’t need to drag you to every single one of his events.
he clicks his tongue in annoyance once he’s met again with press and sponsors in the building. his phone buzzes once and he quickly pulls it out, in hopes of seeing your name.
y/n : hurry up ok?? and don’t go kissing another girl just bc im not there!!
he can only suppress a small chuckle at your whining, though a part of him swells with pride at the thought of you being a tad bit jealous.
on second thought, maybe he did need to bring you everywhere.
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vypressuh · 7 months
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wicked games | c.s
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summary: He led you on for years. The one man you saw yourself with, could never give you what you so desperately craved. Love. After the devastation, you finally mustered up the courage to cut all ties with him for good and move on. At least… you tried to, until he manages to pull you right back in again.
pairings : choi san x fem!reader
tags: SMUT WARNING , MINORS DNI — vulgar language, infidelity, angst, some fluff, teasing, sensual language, unprotected sex, situationship, asphyxiation +♡
♬ — ACT A FOOL x LYRICA ANDERSON
word count: 11.3K
(Too damn long + im so sorry yall, but i hope you enjoy the story still hopefully ! lmaoooo 🩶 )
November 24th, 2019
San usually doesn’t ignore your calls like this.
Your worry was starting to grow with each flight of stairs that you ascended to reach his apartment. You sent message after message with no response, giving leeway to the most irrational part of you to think of the worst possible case. You stopped for a moment and opened your chat rooms again, finding Yunho, his roommate in your contacts and shooting him a quick text asking if either of them were home.
Of course San would do something like this after just asking you the night before to go on a date with him and standing you up.
Asshole. You asked yourself countless times why you still put up with him, but you fell short of an educated answer. You just loved him and that was enough of a reason for you. However, you were frustrated and freeing and had half a mind to turn around and leave, but your phone suddenly rang with a new notification.
Yunho had answered you. He said that he wasn’t home, but San was. He had talked to him just an hour ago before you arrived in the area. He said it was possible that he could be playing video games with his headset on and doesn’t hear his phone going off. He told you not to worry about him too much.
Easy for you to say..
The nagging feeling in your chest slowly began to subside at his response. Yunho knew you long enough to know that you loved to worry about San even if unwarranted. He also knew that you were in love with him before you did. Yunho was always present and knowing of everything without actually witnessing it himself. Sometimes his assuring and know-it-all behavior pissed you off; mainly because you wish you had that much confidence in everything around you. You envied him in more ways than one.
정윤호
81024# is the code for the key lock, you can let yourself in. If he is playing video games he probably cant hear you ringing the doorbell either. Dont steal anything ;)))
You laughed a little harder at that than you intended to. Why was he always so unserious about everything? You would question him on his behavioral tactics later, all you wanted to do was get out of the petrifying cold and be with San. So, you moved quickly– scared that if you stayed in one place for too long your boots would freeze to the concrete beneath your feet. You quickly shot Yunho another text, thanking him for his help.
Shuffling up the last flight of stairs, you grounded yourself on the platform and rounded the corner that led to the first set of apartments on the floor. You continued forward until you came to the eighth door. Your ears perked at the sound of movement inside.
And then a voice. And another.
Unfortunately, it was too muffled for you to pick up anything else, and you assumed that he had company over. More than likely Wooyoung. Maybe Yunho didn’t know he was coming?
Referring to the code that he had granted you, you slid up on the keypad and punched in the digits. A short and kind of cute chime sounded from the mechanism telling you that you put in the right code and the door buzzed, undoing whatever security measurements that came with the system and clicked open. You made your way inside, being welcomed to the familiar, manly, but still good scent of their home. The warmth from the heater hit you and you never accounted for how much you desired to be hot for once.
You pulled your boots off along with your coat before wandering into the rest of the apartment. Peeking your head into the living area just around the corner from the entrance where you knew their joint gaming console was. The television was still on and playing a show loudly rather than a game, which explains the voices you heard from outside, but he was nowhere in sight. Neither was Wooyoung like you expected.
He must be in his room. You thought.
As many times as you have been to his place and even spent nights here, you still felt like you were intruding– that eerie feeling telling you that you shouldn’t be here was looming over your gut, but you continued anyway.
“San?” You called out instinctively as you neared his bedroom. The door was closed, so you placed your hand on the door knob and pushed it open. The worst possible case was that he was naked, which you didn’t mind as you’ve seen many parts of each other anyway. “I’ve been trying to call you, but you didn’t-”
You weren’t sure what look you had on your face, but you were more than sure that it resembled exactly what you were feeling on the inside. Heartbreak. Your eyes went wide and your lips parted in shock at the sight of Choi San, the man you loved more than anything, scrambling from underneath a naked girl. A girl that wasn’t you. But it wasn’t some random girl. No. That dark hair, that disintegrating butterfly tattoo on the back of her shoulder. You knew her.
Your skin glossed over with a chill. And your heart broke into a million pieces.
It was Veronica. Your best friend. At least that’s what you thought until now.
“Jesus… What the hell?! What are you doing here?” Panic was obvious in San’s voice as he sat up in the bed, looking just as frightened and bewildered as you were. He climbed out of the bed and quickly pulled on his boxers.
“You…Are you serious?” There was nothing in you that tried to maintain composure as everything you were feeling began to bubble to the surface and you let it come out. “What the fuck are you doing here, V??”
“How the hell did she even get in here??” She barely even acknowledged you. Just looked to him like a savior of some sort. And that pissed you off even more.
San took a step towards you and you took two steps back. “Look, I can explain.”
You put your hand up to him to stop him from speaking. “Don’t…talk to me. You don't get to speak to me right now.”
“San, can you just make her leave? She’s being a nuisance.”
“Hey, stop. Just let me handle this.” San corrected her and she shifted in place, gripping the covers that were keeping her breasts from spilling out into the open.
Meanwhile, you shot daggers towards Veronica at her words. Your brows furrowed across your forehead, possibly leaving a mark from the tension that you could feel between the bridge of your nose. Your lip twitched with the want to say so many things, but no words were strong enough to show what you were really feeling. Rage.
You looked eagerly around the room for something. All you needed was something. Anything. That’s when your eyes locked onto it. A medium sized glass cup sat dormant on his computer desk, and with the quickness of a quality athletic star as well as the strength of one, you grabbed the glass and hurled it in Veronica’s direction before San could grab and stop you. She let out an ear-jerking screech and covered her head with her hands before the harsh sound of the glass shattering filled the room and silenced everyone in it. You couldn’t control yourself at that moment. You missed her by a few inches as the glass impacted with the wall just above the headboard, sending shards falling on the sheets and her. Part of you wanted it to hit her. You wanted her to hurt like you were hurting, but it still wasn’t enough to quell your anger.
“What the hell is wrong with you?! You’re mental.” Veronica snapped.
“Seriously?!” San grabbed your arms, trying to push you back to get you out of the vicinity of Veronica. “You need to calm down.”
You pressed your hands to his bare chest and pushed him back off of you. “Don’t fucking touch me! Calm down?” You focused your gaze back on her. “You knew. You knew about us the whole time! And you do this?”
“Obviously, there wasn’t an “us” between you if he’s fucking me and not you. Right?” She spoke with such a venom lining her words and they were aimed directly at your heart. “Me and Jamie warned you. You didn’t listen.”
“I should have known from the beginning that you were a grimey bitch. You’d open your legs for anybody that so much as blinks at you.” You snapped back.
“How do you think that I got in his bed then?”
You were going to kill her. You felt like crying right there, but your blood was already boiling in a crimson pot. It not only pained you to hear those words from someone you once considered a friend, but from someone who also knew every single thing that happened between you and San. Every tear you cried was on her shoulder, every message of happiness and celebration you sent her, she sent you her congratulations. She was there for it all.
And she betrayed you. He betrayed you.
“I can’t fucking believe you…both of you.” You scoffed, backing away from San with weak and rigid steps. “You two deserve each other.”
You attempted to turn and walk out, but he grabbed your arm to stop you. “God, don’t be like that.” San coaxed. “This didn’t mean anything.”
He always tries explaining everything away, making everything seem smaller than what it was. Acting as if none of this was a big deal, but he just couldn’t see the pain in your eyes that was hiding behind the blind rage. You glanced down at his hand for a second and then back up to him, yanking your hand away without another thought.
“I don’t give a fuck what it meant. Whatever it is…that I thought we had? It’s over. Keep her for all I care, just don’t talk to me ever again. In fact, forget I exist–forget that we ever existed.” Those were possibly the coldest words that you have ever said to him. It hurt you to even say them, and you could see the sly grin that was on his face soon falter.
“You’re not serious. Come on, we can fix this. She doesn’t mean anything to me. You do.”
“Godd! You’re so full of shit, San! She meant something if it was enough to risk-.” Your eyes burned through him like you had laser vision. You wanted him to hurt. You wanted to tear him down just like he did you over the years. “Forget it.” He just couldn’t know that your heart was breaking into pieces. “And if I really meant something to you, you wouldn’t have fucked my best friend behind my back. I’m done. We’re done.”
He had heard you say that many times before, but now he realized you were serious.
You stomped out of the room, making a b-line for the front door. Quickly stuffing your feet back into your boots and grabbing your coat from the rack, you placed your hand on the door knob and was just about to crank it to leave when you heard San’s voice crowing and breaking from the same spot where you had just left him.
“Please, let’s just talk about this. I- I don’t want you to go. I-” He paused. “I love you.”
You thought when you heard those words from him for the first time, that it would light a fire in your stomach. You would smile like an idiot and throw yourself into his arms like a love sick puppy. It was everything you ever wanted to hear him say, but hearing them now? Like this, when you were on the verge of breaking down? All it did was burn a hole through your heart, severing the last bit of forgiveness you could ever give him– along with whatever love that remained.
A singular tear fell from your eyes but was absorbed by the thick fur of your coat. You didn’t even bother to look at him. If he saw you cry, it would give him the satisfaction of your sadness. It would tell him that you still cared. That you still could possibly love him despite what he had just done to you. That there was still a chance at redemption. And you didn’t want to care about him anymore. So from this moment, you decided to hate him. For good.
You took a deep breath. Letting that numbness wash over your heart. And with the last inkling of strength in your voice, you spoke to him one final time and meant it.
“Fuck you, San.”
계속하다
Present Day
Those were the last words you ever uttered to him since your relationship ended.
Calling it a “relationship” is a bit of a stretch though, it could better be compared to Hell on Earth. An excruciatingly ugly, painful, heartbreaking, love story that went up in flames once the final straw had been broken. The thought of it filled you with agony and it felt as if the pain would be eternal, which is why you stopped thinking about it completely. But for some reason it resurfaced.
For whatever grudge the universe had against you for whatever reason, the thought of what you once had, had oddly brought you… comfort. If that was the right term to use. It felt familiar even with the blight it left on your heart. That’s how he was, Choi San— albeit possibly your worst decision in a man at the time— he had a way of conflicting every emotion and thought you had just by saying a few simple words. He was a smooth talker, you see. Blessed and born with a silver tongue and a kindness that made his every transgression against you seem minute (my-nute).
He always had a knack of luring you right back into his trap whenever you attempted to free yourself. His smile brought you to the closest feeling of love that he would permit you to have, and his kisses made you fall even harder. If he cut you by his bastard-like actions, he would heal you with his words, or by fucking you so good that you completely forgot why you were angry in the first place. Until he does it again and the cycle continues.
It was all a part of his little game and you were too in deep not to play.
Each night with him that you did not spend yelling and throwing tantrums, you would lay in his arms and let the calm sweep you into a deep slumber. When you shut your eyes all you could see were the same blaring red lights that flashed constantly behind your eyelids. They were your warning. A wailing and urgent siren that was almost deafening to your ears, screaming for you to get away while you were ahead. Every neuron in your brain fired off in an attempt to make you aware of the damage that was set to ensue if you continued this way with him.
You never listened.
That was probably the most justifiable reason behind all of your sleepless nights. Maybe if you had heeded those warnings, and listened to your first mind back then to leave him before you gave him a piece of yourself , you could have been saved from the intense heartbreak later and the aftermath of pain that followed in his wake.
You hated him, but for some reason unbeknownst to you, you still mourned your separation.
He was your first love after all.
You built a fantasy world around your heart to protect it from the truth of who he really was. It was the only solace and peace that you could maintain by giving yourself a place to hide when false hope seeped in. The hope that he would love you back. It kept you content with your situation and never allowed you to think any deeper about a future with him until you stopped hoping completely.
You tried your hardest to forget every moment he made you smile, the softness of his fingers when he touched your most delicate places, the way his lips felt on your flesh, and every warm feeling that resembled even an ounce of love or admiration that you had for him. You tried to forget it all. You wanted to. You needed to. And now the only memories that remained were all filled with regret, anger, sadness, and hate.
Although it has been four years since you have felt that way, those feelings still linger even now, trickling into your present no matter how hard you tried to keep them in the past.
“Soooooo…the company dinner-” Yunho tried the topic again, but you quickly shut him down.
“Hell no.” You didn’t even have to look at him when you said it, just continued to work on the stove, stirring around the ramyeon that would be your lunch.
Yunho let out an egregiously loud, and seemingly frustrated groan. “Dude, you promised.”
You set down your cooking utensil next to the pot and cranked down the heat before turning to face him at the kitchen island where he sat across from you. “Yeah, I did! That was before you so graciously informed me that that evil bitch would be there.”
“I didn’t know that she was the event coordinator this time. The other one got booted off at the last minute, Jamie was the one that told me, and told me to tell you as soon as possible.” He explained, mentioning your— mentionably more loyal— other best friend of almost ten years, Jamie, moving his hands around so wildly while he spoke that it was hard for you to focus on him.
“Look, I’m grateful that you gave me a heads up!”
“Thank you for some recognition! Jamie and I work hard for you.” He said.
There he goes being unserious again. You sighed softly. “But that’s where it stops. I think if I get within ten feet of her I may actually kill her.”
“You tried that once, remember? Didn’t really work out.” Yunho grabbed the glass of wine sitting in front of him and took a sip of it.
Low blow. You flicked him off for his comment, visibly irritated at what he said, but all he did was laugh.
Yunho cocked his head to the side, leaned forward on the marble surface of the kitchen island and stared up at you with the most aggravatingly cute smile. “Did you know that you look even prettier when you’re pissed off at me?”
You rolled your eyes and turned back to the stove. “You’re annoying..”
“You love me for it.” He cooed.
“Debatable topic at best.” You said flatly, moving over to the counter to chop up the rest of the meat slices to mix into the broth.
The chair scraped across the tile. Heavy footfalls began to round the corner of the kitchen island, leaving your mind to the imagination of where Yunho was going as you focused on your task in the kitchen. The muscles in your back tensed when you felt a sudden weight pressed against it. Long, strong arms stretched out beside you; his hands found purchase on the counter and trapped you against it as your breath hitched at his closeness. Yunho cleared you in height alone, standing at a whopping 6’3 compared to you. You weren’t short yourself, but anybody that stood next to him would look like an ant. His presence alone was dominating and commanding and suddenly you felt much less brave than you did 3 seconds prior.
You stopped cutting and slightly turned your head towards him. His lips were pursed against your ear and you were scared about what would follow after.
His breath was cool and it made the hairs on your neck stand on end when he whispered, “I don’t think it’s that debatable..”
He placed a kiss on your earlobe. Another on your jaw. Your neck, canvassing the beautiful tone of your skin. He pressed his pillowy pair against your shoulder and it caused you to shiver. You could feel the smile pulling at his lips at your reaction.
“Yunho..you know we can’t. Jamie will be home soon.” You said almost breathlessly. The warmth radiating from his body also made you hot. You could feel the heat rising in your cheeks.
“You even say my name pretty. How am I supposed to resist you if you talk like that?” His voice was deep and sultry, housing a slight grumble at the end of every word.
“What if Jamie-“
“I don’t care about Jamie. I care about you.” Yunho snaked his arms around your waist and spins you around to face him.
Jamie would probably kill you if she found out since Yunho was just as much her best friend as he was yours. Besides, I doubt she would want to know that the two of you ever had sex in the first place or how you even got there to begin with.
When you ended things with San, you also tried to cut every piece of him out of your life entirely. Including Yunho. Even though the two of you were close, he was even closer with San than you were. You didn’t need to have that constant reminder of the man that broke your heart, so you stopped talking to Yunho as well as his friend group entirely—etching that part of your life out of your head for good. However, Yunho didn’t take that too lightly.
A little bit after the incident one night, while you were crying your eyes out on the couch in the very apartment that you stood in, there was a resounding knock at the door. Thinking it was Jamie, your roommate, who left her key again, you wiped your tears and quickly shuffled to let her in. To your surprise as well as your dismay, it wasn’t the olive toned ginger you had come to spend your teenage years with, but instead Jeong Yunho in all of his terrible timing glory.
You tried to close the door on him and tell him to leave, but he stopped you. Insisted that he wanted to merely check on you since it had been so long since you spoke. He then spilled that Jamie knew you needed a friend and she wouldn’t be home for another two days, so she asked him to come see you. As much as you wanted to yell at her, you knew her heart was in the right place.
You weren’t sure how things got to where they did, but you remembered that he apologized over and over again for letting him hurt you and that he had no idea about him and Veronica. He said they even got into a fight about it and hadn’t seen San since that night. Him telling you that opened the floodgates and you found yourself pouring everything you kept inside out onto his shoulder. He held you with his fingers hooked into your hair and pressing you even deeper into his shoulder for you to cry. He said it was okay and he understood. He pulled you off of his shoulder and cupped your face with his hands, wiping away the neverending flow of your burning tears with his thumbs. Yunho called you beautiful. He hated to see you cry so he smiled and the sight alone unthawed the iceberg that you had locked around it. One thing led to another… and well.
He kissed you. You didn’t stop him. Nor did you want to. You needed him more in that moment than you ever had since you met.
You tried many times to end whatever it was between you countless because of your guilt, but Yunho never wanted to.
“Let’s be guilty together.” Is what he would say to you.
That’s how all of this mess started. Ever since then, it’s been an unspoken thing. There was no commitment there, but rather a comfort. Something only the two of you understood. You felt horrible, but at the same time it was just nice having someone. He was not yours and you weren’t his, but when you were together it was just you two. No expectations. Maybe it made you a hypocrite, but you stopped caring a long time ago.
For the first time you looked into his eyes and saw the hunger lying in his hues. He scoured every inch of your face, but danced around the lining of your lips as if he could taste them just by looking at them.
Throwing your arms around his shoulders, you pulled yourself in closer to him and smiled, lowering your voice to speak as if it weren’t only the two of you in here. “If I knew you were going to be this much trouble, I would have left you outside that night.”
Yunho moved in even closer, so that you could feel his breath brushing across your lips. “Well, since you didn’t, now I can do this.”
His lips collided against yours tenderly. They tasted just as sweet as they were the last time you kissed him, hinting at a slight berry flavor from the chapstick he frequently wore. They felt smooth and delicate against your own. Yunho guided you through the kiss and you followed. The kiss was gentle but firm, like he was trying to let you know that he meant every single word he has ever said to you.
His arms tightened around your waist more, tugging you closer to him so that your bodies were pressed against the other. The two of you were perfectly in sync as you explored each other’s mouths. Your fingers tangled into his thick blonde hair before dropping to his chest, fisting the white shirt he had on. With soft exasperated sighs in between each motion of your lips, Yunho dipped his hands down from your waist and around to your ass, grabbing almost all of you with both of his massive palms. You chuckled softly against him and he did the same.
Then you heard a clunking sound. Something similar to a chime. The door. A Lock. Keys. Oh God. Jamie. She’s home. The cute moment was ruined by the two of you scrambling to look as unsuspecting as possible.
“I’m baaaaaaaack!” Jamie sang out in an awful tune, sending goosebumps across your arms. Eerie.
You cleared your throat and continued cooking your lunch. Yunho acted as if he was rummaging the cabinets for snacks as your best friend came galloping into the kitchen.
“Oh, you’re here. Why?” Her words were laced with disappointment and you knew she was referring to Yunho.
“Ouch. Why did you say it like that? Am I not welcome?”
“You are! It’s just.. you’re a still man. I’m just shocked at your presence.” Jamie said. “Anyway! I come bearing giftsss!”
“What’d you get me?” Yunho asked, suggestively.
“Hopefully out of my house soon.” Jamie bit back.
You chortled, but tried to hide it when you felt Yunho staring daggers into the back of your head. You quickly finished cutting up the meat and added it to the broth to simmer, placing the lid overtop and turning to Jamie finally.
“You went shopping?” You asked her curious about what she brought.
“Of course I went shopping! You know what tonight is.” She sounded more ecstatic about it then you thought she would.
“Ohhh about that.” Yunho scratches the back of his head nervously. “I don’t think she’s going.”
“WHAT?” Jamie exclaims, looking expectantly between the two of you for an answer. “Why isn’t she going? Why aren’t you going? Are you sick? Pregnant?”
“Pregnant??” You questioned.
“Pregnant?!” Yunho also questioned, seemingly more shocked that it could even be an option. The two of you nervously looked at each other.
“I’m asking you!”
You waved her off. “No! God no. Veronica.”
“Oh.” Jamie untensed and set down the bags she brought in down onto the chairs in front of her. “That bitch. I forgot about her.”
“Exactly my point. I can’t be trusted around her.” You tried to plead to Jamie, hoping that she would understand.
“Good, you won't be around her. You’ll be around us. You’re going. I’m not letting that skank control your life anymore.”
“She doesn’t!”
“If you wont go somewhere because of someone they control your life. Look, I know you hate her. Hell, I hate her too for what she did to you but I can’t let you stay cooped up in the house all the time just because there’s a possibility that you might run into her again. Tonight will be fine, I promise.”
You appreciated Jamie for trying to be such an assuring force in your life amongst all the uncertainty surrounding you. She had a knack for pushing you out of your comfort level, and then it may appear to be forceful to some. Jamie never did anything unless it was with love.
“Hey, we won’t let anything happen tonight. I’ll even stay on Veronica watch if it’ll make you more comfortable.” Yunho piped up, leaning against the counter as he delved into whatever odd snack he actually managed to find in the cabinets.
“We’ll take care of you. It’ll be fine. Plus, I also spent $100 on buying a dress for you and it’s really freaking cute so if you don’t put it on, I will. But I’d rather see you in it.” Jamie picked up one of the fancy looking shopping bags, with a designer brand you had never heard of, and held it out to you expectantly.
You looked between Yunho and Jamie and their happy and hopeful stares caused you to cave instantly. “Fine… I’ll go.”
계속하다
This was the worst decision you ever made. Why were you here? The fabric from your dress was tightening around you with every movement you made, making the long leg slit that was cut into it ride a little further up your thigh than you were hoping it would. The heels you wore were comfortable, but you only wore these things on occasion and still weren’t the best at walking in them especially for long periods of time. And these company dinners are always long.
Yunho was the first to get out of the car, and in a gentlemanly manner he walked around to your side and opened the door.
“My lady.” He bowed before you and offered you his hand to help you out. The gesture brightened your smile and you accepted, feeling much like a princess on the way to a ball.
He assisted Jamie out as well and tossed the keys to the valet who dutifully took his car for him.
The place was flooded with people. Rich people mainly, stepping out of luxury cars and limousines. Almost all of them had a partner that they would ascend the stairs with— some were older men in their sixties with women possibly in their early thirties . Gross. You thought to yourself, but who were you to judge? Although, you were.
You looked to Jamie who was just more excited to go in as anybody else. Her dress was black, strapless and shimmery compared to your steel gray silk. Her hair was curled like a supermodel from the 1950’s, falling over the bareness of her shoulder more on one side than the other. Your hair was in coils, falling down the length of your back. Yunho wore a black tuxedo as well, complimenting the both of you, but his collar was slightly undone without a tie and opened up a V down to his chest where the only thing you could see was a gold chain that he wore fitted around his collarbone. He stepped in between the both you and Jamie and extended his winged arm on both sides for the two of you to take, which you did.
“How does it feel being my dates for tonight?” He chimed, sounding just as much of a man as he had always been. You rolled your eyes, and Jamie physically hurled.
“Is it too late to ask the valet to bring the car back?” Jamie mused.
“Considering that I’m your ride for the night. I would have left the sly comments at the apartment.” Jamie laughed at Yunho’s words and you did too, feeling more loose and less anxious than you did moments before when you stepped out of the car.
The three of you walked up the stairs together, arm in arm, following the rest of the crowd into the party. You felt a tug on your arm and suddenly a Yunho parked right beside your ear. You stiffened immediately.
“You look beautiful, by the way.” He whispered.
His compliment made you hot under the collar, if you had one to get hot under, sending a spark up your spine. You cleared your throat and smiled up at the giant figure beside you. “You look handsome yourself. You clean up nice.”
“I try my best. If I would have known you would be looking like this tonight, I would have tried harder.”
Yunho chooses the worst times to flirt with you. Around all of these people and Jamie being right there, you grew more and more flustered as the conversation went on. He escorted you successfully into the party— giving you a full view of the large dining hall. Not only was it the biggest hall you had ever seen, it was also a ballroom. Tables surrounded the extremely glossy floor that was covered with a sea of people engaged in conversation. Chatter and obtuse laughter filled your ears, but it was so hard to focus on one conversation with how many people it was. Servers walked through the crowd with refreshments and offered the three of you one upon entry. You all took it and thanked him.
“I’m going to go mingle a bit and see if I can find the guys. Don’t have too much fun without me.” Yunho said, pulling himself free from the two of you, he slipped into the crowd but not without rubbing the back of his hand across your backside.
Yunho would be the death of you.
You and Jamie were left to your own devices now and there was no way you were going anywhere without her. You didn’t know anybody here except her and Yunho, so you latched yourself to her side.
“Oh! Oh, that’s the chairman I was talking to you about right there. Come on.” She motioned off to a group of people standing in a circle, laughing about something amongst each other. She pointed to an older guy, stout, but still kind of handsome? His hair was going gray, but still had streaks of black in it and he was dressed to the nines in a bright white suit. Bold.
Jamie clasped her arm around yours and dragged you over to his direction. She called out to the chairman who recognized his name, and Jamie bowed politely to greet him. He seemingly knew her very well because he greeted her by name, welcoming the two of you into the conversation. Jamie introduced you to him and you bowed as well, bowing to the others who you were amongst since they also looked like important people but you only stood there awkwardly. You had no idea what they were discussing, so you were there as moral support for Jamie.
Instead you looked out at the rest of the crowd and all of the different people in it. It was fascinating how many rich people were all in one room— hell you didn’t know this many of them existed. The ballroom itself was currently the most powerful place on earth. There were old men, young men, young women, old women. So many different types of people dressed in their best. You wondered where Yunho was and wanted to see if you could find him, but he was nowhere to be seen. He must have found his friends. Your curiosity got the best of you so you stared for a little longer to see if you saw them by chance. And you did, knowing that they were the only people in here with those hair colors. Most of them had their backs to you, so you could only tell based on that alone, who was who. Seonghwa with his black hair was standing beside Wooyoung and Maddox, who you had only met once or twice, Yeosang with his dark hair on the other side of him, and Hongjoong with his light brown was next to Jongho who stood in the middle of Mingi and…
Silence fell over you. You couldn’t take your eyes off of them. Off of him. No Yunho in sightz Only San. Veronica. Together. You didn’t realize how long you had to be looking at him because by some miracle he noticed that someone was staring straight into the side of his head. He suddenly turned and looked directly at you. His shock was just as apparent as yours, and you lost your footing for a second, stumbling into Jamie who was beside you. The chairman and the others turned to you with concern.
“Whoa, Are you okay?” Jamie asked, gripping your arms to hold you upright. “What happened?”
“I-I” You stammered.
Jamie cleared her throat and bowed to the Chairman. “Excuse us for a moment.”
She took you out of the circle and placed a hand on your shoulder. “What’s going on? Are your shoes hurting you? Are you hungry? Thirsty? You feel cold.”
“He’s here.” You said softly to her.
“Who?”
“San.” You said through gritted teeth, looking around, hoping not to conjure him up around you.
“WHAT?” Her voice elevated among the crowd and a few people turned to look. “What? He’s here. Why the fuck is he here?”
“He’s with Veronica and the others.”
“Oh that son of a bitch. He’s got some nerve. Where is Yunho? Is he with him?”
“I didn’t see him. I think I need a drink.”
“You need more than that. Come on.” Jamie grabbed your hand and weaved through the crowd that was gathering.
You followed her, not knowing where you were going in the slightest. Once you made it through the wave of bodies, you were pulled up to the large bar top.
“What can I get you ladies tonight?” The bartender asked, whilst cleaning out a glass with a rag.
“The strongest thing you have.” You said with no resistance.
“Coming right up.” The bartender immediately got to work, fishing out a few bottles from the shelves behind him and started pouring and mixing, taking orders from the other customers who walked up as well.
In a matter of minutes, he placed two orange colored glasses down to you and Jamie , sticking a lime in each slit of the glass. You thanked him and immediately drank it.
“I’m so sorry. I had no idea he would be here. I even looked at the guest list. That's how I knew Veronica would be here.” Jamie explained. “This is my fault. I should have let you stay home.”
You separated from the glass and leaned against the counter, putting all of your weight on your hands. “It’s not your fault Jamie. I just- I just need a second.”
“Okay. Okay…um. Do you want to leave?” She asked, placing a calming hand on your arm. “I don’t want to risk you two running into each other.”
Downing what remained of your drink, you let the liquor burn a stream of worry down your throat. You grimaced from the pain, but took it, sucking in a vat of fresh air to cool your lungs again.
“Yeah. I think I should go. I’ll go find Yunho.” you insisted, waving off Jamie from taking on anymore hassle.
“Alright, I’ll be waiting here and we can leave. Just scream if you need me. Well- don’t actually, but just call me.” She nodded to you half-heartedly. You had a feeling she was itching to follow you, but you didn’t need her to babysit you.
Seeing San was not what you had expected to happen tonight, but who were you kidding? Of course he would be wherever his friends were, they were inseparable. You just assumed that you would not have been there to even know it in the first place.
You slammed your drink back down on the bar top and gathered your clutch purse and your phone. Returning a reassuring nod to a very visibly anxious Jamie and wandered off into the thicket of the dinner crowd. You maneuvered through countless bodies, searching for a remnant of your friend. There was nothing really differentiating him from the other patrons despite his long blonde mullet in a sea of pepper-gray hairs so you looked out for that. You peeked through conversations, from behind the backs of stockholders and possible CEOs in the hopes that one of them would be Yunho who magically disappeared.
You wandering about so curiously earned you some concerned glares from the partygoers, but you gave them a soft smile in the hopes to ease their tension from seeing you so confused and distraught.
Where is he? The ballroom was large and there were so many people, you could be searching for him forever, but time was of the essence and you needed to find him so you could get out of dodge as soon as possible. The last thing you needed was to run into San or, equally, Veronica again tonight. You’ve had your fill of both of them for a lifetime even if it was for five seconds. A few minutes went by and you had searched a good sum of the ballroom floor, but there was still no sign of Yunho anywhere.
He wasn’t answering your texts or your phone calls, which was weird because he always answered no matter what. Where could he be that has him caught up? You looked around and thought for a moment and then it hit you. Standing on the tips of your heels, you looked around at the looming walls above the party hoping to find some kind of sign that pointed to the direction of the nearest bathrooms. Your eyes latched onto a black sign pointed towards a dark hallway that would lead you exactly where you wanted to go.
Quickly, you dashed that way, calling your pardons and excuses to the people you plowed through and or pushed by. There were people coming out of the darkness of the hallway, some men, some women who had just seemingly handled their business. None of who were yunho who you were hoping for. So you tread further. The hall was dimly lit by a few candelabras attached to the wall, giving it a soft yellow glow. Thanks to the light, you finally managed to locate the restrooms decorated with their set signs to let you know which was which.
Then, the door to the men’s bathroom flew open with a screech. Happiness filled your features. You waited for the moments that the striking, tall blonde would appear in front of you and crack a joke about how he drank too much and didn’t realize it.
“Yunh-“ You called out, hopeful.
But your hope was misplaced because as soon as the door opened and the man stepped out into view, you were met with black. Not blonde like Yunho was.
Your happy appearance fell. You locked eyes and both stood there awkwardly yet again. San. Of course it was San. Why wouldn’t it be San? You cursed the gods at the moment in your head.
All you could think about at that moment was escape. You needed to get away from him, you could turn around and get lost in the crowd, return to Jamie and tell her that you both lost your ride and couldn’t find him anywhere, but San was fast enough that he could catch you before you even managed to think about leaving.
So you had only one other option to make it look less suspicious. Your eyes left his and flickered over to the women’s restroom.
San called out your name, but his voice was lost to you as you charged through the door and let it shut him out.
There was no way he was going to come in here, anybody could walk in or walk out in a moment’s notice. He’ll have to leave or wait for you to come out and there was no way that you were doing that with him still here. Due to the lack of movement in any of the stalls, you assumed you were alone, so you walked over to the sinks and set down your purse, going back to your recent call logs and ringing Yunho again. You put the phone to your ear and paced against the polished tile floor.
“Pick up, pick up, pick up.” You repeated, wishing it was the magic words to make him reappear.
The phone rang and rang and rang. No answer.
“God dammit, Yunho.” You cursed and hung up the phone.
The bathroom door suddenly pushed open. You thought nothing of it, but silenced yourself to not disturb whatever woman was coming to do her business.
“So, you and Yunho are a thing now?”
Your heart slid from its position in your chest and down into the pits of your stomach. You quickly glanced up to see Choi San standing before you with his back perched against the door. In the women’s bathroom. He seriously came in here? Is he fucking insane?
He was simultaneously blocking you in and keeping whatever potential savior there was for you outside.
“What the fuck- you need to leave.” You commanded.
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“I don’t have to answer you. The door is right there. Leave.” You pointed towards the exit again, but he didn’t budge.
“Are you together? Fucking? What is it?” He asked again, this time moving off of the door and taking a few steps towards you. He was working the last nerve you were willing to give him right now.
“Why does it matter to you anyway?!” You bit back, your voice echoing through the emptiness of the restroom. “You know what? Fuck this, I’ll leave.”
You grabbed your things and tucked them under your arm, heading right for him. You put your hand on the door handle and pulled it open slightly, but San slammed his palm against it and closed it on you again.
“It matters because he’s my best friend. And he wouldn’t give me an answer, so I’m asking you.”
You laughed. You didn’t mean to, but you found the irony in his statement too funny to pass up the opportunity. “I’m sorry, that’s just really rich coming from you, San, considering you fucked my friend behind my back.”
“And you fucked mine. So, that makes us even.”
“Not even close. Yes, I had sex with Yunho, but I didn’t fuck him behind your back. You lost all my loyalty, when you chose Veronica over me. That’s on you.”
He huffed, staring down at you with those piercing brown eyes. Now that you could see him up close, his once baby-faced features were replaced with a stoic disposition. His brows were thicker and sharp making them more prone to furrow. His jawline was sharp and tense from how he was gritting his teeth, seemingly trying to hold back whatever words were about to come out of his mouth.
“Look..” San spoke your name so gently that it threw you off guard. His eyes softened and he looked upon you with no awkwardness or fear. He looked.. genuine. For the first time in forever.
But you couldn’t bring yourself to hear whatever it is he had to say to you. “Save it, San. Please.. save it. I don’t want to hear whatever excuse you cooked up in the last four years, or rehearsed to say to me whenever we saw each other again. I don’t.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
I’m sorry? That’s… not what you expected. You didn’t have a snarky comeback for that one, it completely threw you for a loop. He doesn’t apologize for anything. Why is he apologizing to you now?
“I fucked up. I know and I realize that, even if it was too late when I did. I had already lost you at that point, I just didn’t know how to fix it. I hurt you. What I did with Veronica was stupid and it was on me. It was no one’s fault but mine. I’m sorry for everything that I put you through. You can keep hating me forever if you want, that’s your choice, but I couldn’t keep going on knowing that you were the only person who ever loved me and I ruined it and never apologized.”
Each word was like a shot to your stomach. Every ounce of resolve that you had was slowly beginning to crumble before him. You turned your head away from him, staring down at the ground for a moment, folding your arms across your slightly exposed chest.
“Why did you do it?” You asked firmly, still keeping your guard up with him. “Did you like her?”
There was a push on the door that startled you both and then a knock. You looked at one another in a panic and motioned to San to handle it since he was the one blocking the door.
San didn’t say a word and neither did you. He just kept a steady pressure on the door as they tried to get it open, until they only assumed that the door was jammed. There were a few disgruntled noises outside the door and then they walked off, leaving the two of you alone again.
“To answer your question. No, I didn’t like her. I didn’t love her—I didn’t feel anything for her that was remotely close to what I felt for you. I don’t know why I did it…it just happened. We were with friends and we were hanging out, we talked a bit, I guess a bit too much. Next thing I know, we kissed and well.. the rest was history.”
“And tonight? Did you come with her?”
He scoffed. “No. I’m not stupid.”
“Well?” You sang.
San glared at you.
“Sorry, it was too easy.” You shrugged. “Go on.”
He rolled his eyes. “Well, I did come with her, but I didn’t technically come with her. She just needed a ride, Seonghwa and I gave her one. I cut it off with her a few weeks after we…” He motioned between the two of you. “You know. She was already on to the next by then and we haven’t seen each other much since, until now.”
You nodded your head, feeling somewhat lighter now that he told you. “I see. Well, uhm. About Yunho and I..”
San stopped you before you could start. “You don’t have to explain to me. Let’s just say that it just happened.”
You nodded. “Yeah, it just happened.”
There was a mutual understanding in those words. Though you and Yunho had a deeper connection than what San and Veronica had, it was merely an understanding of position. You didn’t forgive him for what he did and San was probably livid deep down and probably couldn’t forgive you either, but the anger that was there from before was subsiding.
The two of you stood in silence for a moment before you spoke. “I- thank you for that, San. It was nice of you to apologize, but I have to go.”
You tried to open the door again, but instead of slamming it shut on you like he did last time, he grabbed you by your hand and held it in his. You whipped around to look at him and were met with the most heartfelt look you had ever seen him wear.
“Did you know that I’ve thought about you everyday for the last four years? I couldn’t get you out of my head for the life of me.”
“San-“
“No. It’s always been you. Everything has always been you. I can’t go to sleep at night without seeing your face. When I laugh, I think about yours. When someone smiles at me, I think about how yours was always brighter.”
“San stop.” You begged. You wanted to pull your hand from his, but for some reason you just couldn’t move. You had to get to Yunho. You needed to find him— you needed to leave. Why can’t you leave?
“Do you know what that feels like?” His hand tightened around yours. “It’s agony.”
“Why are you telling me this?” His grip only tightened.
“I meant what I said back then. I just should have said it sooner. I love you. I never stopped loving you and seeing you tonight only confirmed it. And if you don’t feel anything for me at all, we can free each other from this fucked up game right now. I’ll get out of your life for good.”
You stood there like an inanimate object. Not knowing what to say or what to do. You had felt everything that he was feeling ten times over and then some. Of course you thought about him in the past. You had thought about him living a life without you more than once. You thought about him every second of the day. The two of you were tethered by a string of damnation—you two were messy and you knew it, but you always thought that there was a possibility that you could work. Maybe he could love you the way you loved him. Maybe you could love him again. Maybe.. You wished maybe was a guarantee.
You wiggled your hand free from his grasp. San looked at you obviously distraught by the way the light in his eyes suddenly faded. You dropped everything that you were carrying in your arms as your phone and purse went clattering to the bathroom floor. Your hands moved faster than your brain ever could. You reached out to San, clasping both of your hands against his face and pulled him into you, lips crashing into a fiery slope of passion as he wrapped his arms around your backside like it was second nature to him. His build was much wider now and you felt incredibly small in his grasp, but San held you with every intent not to let go of you again.
As the kiss grew deeper, San careened his hands across your body, feeling the very places that he had been missing for the last few years. He worked your frame like he was trying to remember what spots connected to what, which ones were your favorites to be touched nowadays— he was trying to figure what kind of person you were now in just a matter of seconds.
Removing your hands from his chiseled features, you found new purchase on his suit jacket, which you tore off immediately, pulling the expensive fabric over his muscles. San pressed you against the door, letting your back meet the cool, polished wood; a single hand wrapped around your neck while an extended tongue flicked across your bottom lip, nonverbally asking for entrance, which you granted him with no hesitation. He slid his tongue between your parted lips and into your mouth, swirling his own instrument around yours. The kiss turned frantic, more hungry and needy. You moaned into his mouth, fingering the strands of his slightly long black hair while he simultaneously shifted the leg slit on your dress to the side, gripped the back of your thigh and pulled it to wrap around his slim waist.
This somehow brought the two of you even closer than you were already. He fell into you perfectly like a missing puzzle piece. You could feel his growing erection between your thighs each time he ground into you. The two of you were a bumbling mess of hormones and unsatiated emotions. San broke the kiss, using the same hand that was wrapped around your throat to tilt your head to the side. He attacked your neck like a predator, and you let him. His mouth was warm and wet and your body reacted almost instantly. You could feel the temperature rise inside your body. San continues his performance, lapping up the skin on your neck like it was refreshing to him, his kisses led down to your collarbone, your breasts. Unfortunately with the minimal time you had as well as the fabric of your dress covering the rest of you, San was limited in the love he wanted to show to your body, but that did not deter him.
Falling to his knees before you, he took the very thigh that he had wrapped around him and began to pepper it with kisses as well. Your hand was caught in his hair as you guided him, your mouth agape at the sight. You watch San with intention, as he kisses further and further up your thigh, inching the silver silk out of his way. You stuck your teeth into your bottom lip and smiled naughtily. San pulled his sharp gaze to you, and you could feel a gush between your legs. Why did he have to look at you like that? Your immediate reaction to this excited him and he continued onward in a devilish manner. Using both of his hands, he caressed your legs admiring you in all of your glory and fiddled underneath your dress, finding a latch on your panties and tugging them downwards to your ankles leaving you completely exposed.
San repositions himself as well as you. He places your leg just over his shoulder now, giving him a full view of your womanhood that was now glistening with your moisture. San licks his lips, practically salivating and grumbles with satisfaction even when he didn’t have a taste of you yet.
“God, I miss the way you taste. I think I need to remind myself again.” He said sweetly before moving forward against you.
Your breath caught in your throat once his lips connected with the sensitive hood of your clit. It was a small kiss to it, but it had so much power as well. You closed your eyes and rested your head against the doorframe, moaning softly into the air while San worked his magic. You still played with his hair offering some encouragement to continue even though you could not speak very clearly without a moan following soon after. San flushed his mouth against your pussy, you could see the lust swimming in his eyes as he stared at you the entire time.
“You’re already dripping for me. Good.”
He widened the part in your lips to give him enough room to slither his tongue inside, invading you, but of course you did not mind. It felt good already, you almost couldn’t believe it.
“Fuck..” you groaned to yourself, putting your eyes back on the beautiful man that was between your thighs.
His tongue prodded at your insides, slurping and sloshing about your velvety walls and sipping on the honey-like thickness of your juices. Every lick sent you further into the depths, you couldn’t control your moans. You almost felt too loud, but you couldn’t stop. And by the look in his eye, you almost felt like that was what he wanted. San continued to suck and kiss along the flaps of your portions , savoring every ounce of your flavor.
San separated from you for a split moment, leaving a string of his saliva as well as your wetness which his mouth was completely drenched in, and smiled at you deviously. “Damn, you taste so good.”
You could feel the rope that was holding your senses together slowly begin to unwind itself. You were too sensitive for your own liking sometimes and San knew that much about you. It didn’t take much for you to cave and now was no different. The way he was eating you out was almost too much to bear, but you didn’t want him to stop. You were just getting started.
San followed a figure eight movement on your clit, but moved his tongue like an expert inside of you, never leaving a single part of your pussy untouched. Your moans got louder and louder, you grabbed a handful of his hair and pressed him deeper into your temple. Your hips worked against his mouth and he invited it, digging his nails into your hips and pulling you closer to him. You whimpered, sounding more desperate than you had hoped to. With the way you were grinding on him, you were practically riding his nose at this point— each buck getting more uncontrollable than the last. San’s satisfied groans vibrated against your clit and you were even closer to losing it now. And he knew it.
San put more pressure on your clit using his free hand, massaging it in light circles with his thumb while he ate you out. You were getting attacked from all angles and you couldn’t handle it anymore. You let out a blood curdling yelp, followed by sharp moans and heavy breathing — releasing all of your pent up aggression onto his mouth. You twitched in place and tried to find some grip on the wall beside you to right yourself but there was nothing to hold you other than him. San lapped up your climax, and planted a kiss on your pussy before coming to meet you again. He didn’t give you a second to think as he kissed you. This time more direct and with intent. You could taste yourself on his lips. It was sweet and sticky.
“How bad do you want me to fuck you?” He asked lowly between kisses.
You were in a state of delirium, but you responded coherently. “Really fucking bad. I just want to feel you right now.”
“Good. Take it out.” He commanded.
You didn’t hesitate much to do so. You lurched forward, hooking one finger inside of his dress pants and pulled him closer to you. You undid his belt without issue, and his button followed, giving you free access to what you wanted the most. Your eyes were locked on San as you did this and he watched you with joy evident on his features. You swiftly pulled down his pants along with his boxers in the same fashion he did your panties, the belt hit the ground with a clanging noise leaving San exposed to you. He was just as big as you remembered him being if not bigger. It frightened you almost the way it stood massively at attention, twitching with eagerness. A smirk found his features, his tongue ran smoothly across his K-9’s and you had a feeling that you were in for a treat.
San pressed you flat against the door again, closing the space between you with his body. He kissed your lips again, and then your cheek and hummed lightly against your skin. “I can’t wait to see how pretty you look while I make you cum.”
San wrapped his hand around his hard-on, glancing down as he rubbed himself against your warmth, letting out a low rumble in his throat from the sensation. You soft groans mixed with his as the adrenaline pumped through your veins, filling the next few moments with anticipation. He pressed his tip against your opening, and slowly pushed himself inside of you— filling that space that he left empty. Your mouth fell agape at the shock of his size, it felt like he was stretching you out completely just to adjust to his size.
He started moving inside of you slowly at first, helping you to get used to him. “I got you baby just keep taking it, you’re doing so good.”
“You’re so fucking big..” you huffed out, holding onto San’s wide shoulders as he dug you out.
His pace quickened slightly, he wrapped your leg around him again, angling himself to hit you in just the right spot while he bounced you on his dick. His thrusts were powerful, but cohesive. His hips had a flow to them that made it feel like he was fucking you in waves.
“Yeah, you feel good wrapped around my dick. You take me so well.” He complimented, lurching into you at a speed that you were trying to keep up with. His hand was still wrapped around your neck, squeezing the air from your lungs. The pressure was comfortable, but just enough to heighten every sensation. You held onto his arm, scratching at his skin.
Still sopping wet from the last climax you had, the sounds of skin on skin contact along with the constant sloshing of your insides, was the perfect storm for the both of you. San gripped your thigh tightly, hiding his face in the thick of your neck as he roared loudly from the pressure building up against you.
“Oh San, Right there!” You coached, holding him close to you as he fucked you. Your nails clawed at the fabric on his shirt so harshly you thought that you would pierce it. The remnants of your sexual encounter were running down between your legs and you were almost at your limit. “Oh fuck, I’m going to cum.”
“Cum for me.” He stammered. “God, you’re so wet.”
His dick pumps into you at a pace no man should reach, making you cry out for him in pleasure. You grip tightly onto his backside, struggling to keep yourself upright while he fucked you senseless to the point you lost your balance. If it weren’t for his strength, there was no way you were standing up on your own.
San was committed to making you cum first, but he becomes sloppy the closer he gets, but he doesn’t stop. “Cum for me babygirl,” he demands, “Cum for me..!”
And like a dog with a whistle, you obeyed his command and came. Your orgasm smacked you like a ton of bricks, and everything came rushing out of you all at once with no forgiveness. San followed suit with your flow, hearing the beauty of your moans and bursted inside of you. His pants were ragged, and his grunts were deep and gravely. The two of you tried to catch your breath, but the air escaped you. The two of you stood sweaty and stuck together with your juices intermingling inside of you. You were high off of all the sensations. It took you more than a second to come down off it. San collapsed into you and you did the same.
“That felt good..” He said into your skin.
You stared blankly up at the ceiling, admiring the intricate designs of old Renaissance paintings that you had never noticed until now. Your vision began to come back to you, and you were welcomed to reality once more. And the realization hit you.
“Yeah..” You responded shortly.
San pulled out of you and collided with the door beside you. sweat beading off his brow.
“About what you said earlier. About me feeling something for you?” You turned your head to look at him.
He glanced back at you with a wandering look, but still curious as to what you were going to say. “Yeah?”
“I still feel something for you, San. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t, but…” You paced yourself, swallowing your own spit to lubricate your throat as you said the words. “After everything we've been through, I don’t think I can love you..”
“Why not? You said you felt something right?”
“I do,” You paused for a moment trying your best to find the words to say it, but you took a deep breath and finally let it out.
“I…I think I fell in love with Yunho.”
TO BE CONTINUED IN
‘LOUDER THAN BOMBS’
(OUT NOW)
947 notes · View notes
yongbokkari · 8 months
Text
lovesickness ᝰ໋᳝݊ຳི
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ᝰ pairing — bf!changbin x reader
ᝰ word count — 4k+
ᝰ warnings — small argument (again) 🫰🏻, mention of period, reader had a bad day, pet names of baby and darling and slight angst, pls let me know if there's more !!
a/n — @soobnny im finally done 🥹 hope you guys will enjoy this one !! i have mixed feelings about this one bleh bleh bleh but i cried so 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 btw thank you so much for all the notes on my last seungmin post :(( u guys are so sweet i just want to put u guys in my pocket and carry u everywhere i go and cherish u everyday u guys have no idea how happy i get everytime i read ur notes :( <3
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You brought out the leftovers from yesterday you had left to freeze to reheat them, stirring away so it would defrost faster. Your head was still terribly aching as hard as you tried to ignore it, in hopes that it would slowly go away.
The front door opened then, your boyfriend coming in after a visit to the gym. "Honey, I'm back~," He dragged out, his whiny voice instantly rising whenever he was with you. You just hummed, not putting it to mind to greet him in any sort, instead prodding the food harder since it wasn't budging to defrost faster.
"Honey, what are you making?" His voice became louder, and his steps closer until his hands were wrapped around you, his clingy side showing off. It had been a few days since you met since he had to stay at the dorms for a few practice sessions.
And you would've jumped up and down at the sight of him if it wasn't for the awful day you had and the pain going around in your head. The nauseous feeling you were getting wasn't helping either, only making your head ache even more.
"Just reheating yesterday's leftovers," You answered monotonously, shrugging off his arms so you could move to the fridge to take a few vegetables out to cook.
You loved his presence around you, you really did but now it just made you frustrated and annoyed that he wouldn't just leave you alone. You didn't want to meet his eyes, afraid that he would see the tension in you that you were trying so hard to contain inside.
"Are you okay? Did something happen honey, hm?" He asked, coming closer to you, but you continued to cook the vegetables silently, hoping he would get the message to just leave you alone. He didn’t and instead moving his head so he could see your face and was just all over you. You understood his need to help you feel better, but couldn’t you just have your space to yourself for a while?
“God, Changbin just- Can you just leave me alone? I clearly don’t want to talk about it, so can you just stop bothering me?” Your voice seemed to rise more as each word came out and you could see how startled he got at the sudden loudness after how quiet you were being. You stood there facing each other, waiting for him to reply. When it didn’t look like he would, you turned back towards the stove, continuing to stir.
After a while, you heard him say. “I didn’t have that blast of a day too, you know. You didn’t have to scream at me.” You heard the sound of his footsteps receding down the hallway, until finally there was the soft thud of your bedroom door.
You sighed. He was right, you definitely didn’t have to scream at him, so why did you? When the food was fully defrosted and the vegetables were cooked, you turned off the stove and slowly crouched down. Your head was hurting so much more, now that you had raised your voice like that. Guess that’s what you get for acting like an asshole.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” You muttered, your hands repeatedly hitting your pounding head. How were you going to make up for it this time? Do you pretend nothing happened? Yeah, you should probably try that. You’ll see whether he’ll talk to you, then you’ll see where to go from there.
You waited for a few minutes, assuming the time it would take for him to finish showering, as you arranged the plates on the table and served the food. 30 minutes passed. He should be settled down now, you thought to yourself as your braced yourself to enter your bedroom.
You pushed the door open, “Bin-ah?” You called out, looking for him, only to see him at his table with his laptop open. You entered the room a bit more, afraid to come too close to him in case he didn’t want to be close to you. “Bin-ah, let’s eat. I’ve finished setting up the table.”
You had smiled then, shamelessly hoping his heart would soften enough to forgive you, but it was to no use as he didn’t even look up to you as he replied. “I don’t feel like eating. You eat first.”
You couldn’t help the tug and heaviness you felt in your chest. “Oh, okay,” You answered, before exiting and closing the door. Why were there tears in your eyes? Why is the ache in your chest not going away? You clutched at it, breathing in and out, hoping it would go. Now the tears were flowing out. Why were they coming out?
Didn’t you deserve this treatment? After how yours was towards him?
You wiped the tears away and walked to the dining table to put the lids on the containers you used to put the food in. You put the rice back in the rice cooker, and the plates back into the shelf. Your appetite was gone now. Most of the meals you’ve had since you were with Changbin had been with him. It upset you to think that the reason he wasn’t eating was because of you.
You were thankful that you had agreed on your personal room where you could do your work, otherwise Changbin would have to face you. You went into the room, and sat at your table. You couldn’t think of any assignments you had that was due soon, but you managed to find one that was due not for another 3 weeks. But you would take anything to distract yourself from the pain that you simultaneously felt and caused.
˚ ༘♡ · ₊˚ˑ༄ؘ
The clock showed 11:36. You were at your laptop working on your assignments for 5 hours. Partially, that is. Most of those hours were just you staring off into the distance wondering when Changbin would come and talk to you again.
You thought of whether it was fine for you to sleep in your bedroom. Would he leave and go sleep on the couch? You wouldn’t want him to. He always complained about his back hurting, plus it always felt strange to sleep without him in the room. But usually he would be asleep by the time, so you turned off your laptop and got up to check on him.
You opened the door to your bedroom slowly, peering inside, and true enough he was fast asleep. Changbin’s sleeping position varied on a daily basis. At times he would be sleeping on his stomach, sometimes on his right or left side, facing upwards, and sometimes in questionable positions you didn’t bother to ask about anymore. Tonight he was on his left side, facing away from your side of the bed. Was tonight’s position a random pick or did a certain event of the day lead him to it? Did he not want to look at you that badly?
You went to the kitchen to put the once again leftovers back into the fridge, but the table was empty, containers all washed, the sink clean of foams from the dish soap. Changbin always made sure to clean the kitchen before sleeping. You always told him to let you do it, but he had said you were already doing so much in the house, it was the least he could do. You divided your chores weekly, so in no way were you doing anything more than him. Your heart hurt thinking of what happened in the evening. What you did and said to the world’s sweetest boy.
You went into the bedroom’s bathroom to wash your face and brush your teeth. You sighed before getting under the blanket, careful not to pull too hard. While Changbin’s sleeping position varied, yours were always the same. You were always sleeping on your side on the right side of the bed. Unless he was hugging you. Then you would be facing him.
But tonight could be an exception. You were scared he really didn’t want to see you, so you didn’t sleep on your left side, and instead opted for facing upwards. Being able to see him from the corner of your eyes was enough, you think. They say beggars can’t be choosers.
˚ ༘♡ · ₊˚ˑ༄ؘ
You woke up to the left side of the bed empty. You and Changbin loved to sleep in, sometimes even until 3 pm, when both of you were too tired to care about your grumbling stomach, content with each other's company.
That day, Changbin chose to wake up early that day. Was it another random choice or a careful pick?
You heard the sound of pans clattering in the kitchen. You rarely ever ate breakfast. You wished you had. Then you would have a reason to go talk to Changbin. When did you ever need a reason to talk to your boyfriend? Right. Since you decided to be a prick yesterday. You rubbed your face, sighing.
You got up and out of the room and into the kitchen, the view of your boyfriend washing the dishes coming into view. He was wearing his usual gym clothes. It was only 12 pm, was he already going out?
"Oh you're awake," Changbin said, looking up to you for a second before returning his attention back to the dishes. When he was done, he patted his hands on his pants to dry them. "I'm going to the dorm. Chan hyung asked me to come over to help him with something. Then I'm going straight to the gym," He said, before meeting eyes with you. "Do you want to eat anything? I can make something for you."
"No, it's fine, I'm not hungry," You said. Your stomach was hurting, and your headache from yesterday was still there, so you couldn't really focus on your hunger.
Changbin hummed, before making his way past you, and into the room. You made your way to the couch, arranging the papers you were working on yesterday at the table before cooking, but had forgotten to tidy up before going to sleep.
You heard Changbin's steps shuffling throughout the corridor, before finally he came out with his backpack he brought his spare clothes in.
"Chan hyung is probably asking for my help with some tracks, so we'll probably continue after coming back from the gym. You don't have to wait for me to come home. Knowing Chan hyung he's definitely working on the tracks till past midnight. I don't really want him to have to work alone."
You hummed, nodding. Your eyes met for a few seconds, not saying anything. Was he still mad at you? Should you apologize now? Would he accept your apology?
Before you had the chance to sort your thoughts, he came over and planted a kiss on your cheek. "See you," He said, to which you responded the same. Your eyes followed him moving to the front door, before finally getting out of the house, the door closing.
Should you have run after him? Ask him to forgive you and to please stop acting like a stranger? To please hug you like he would always do before he went anywhere without you? Would you be considered clingy if you pleaded for him to hold your face and kiss you so he could make you feel better the way only he could?
There you go again being selfish. It was always for you. Never for him. Then you wonder why he was acting so cold towards you?
You sighed, laying down sideways on the couch. You clutched your stomach, your stomach ache suddenly getting worse. You checked your period tracker, and sure enough the app predicted for your period to come today. Today, of all days?
You went to the bathroom to put on a pad so you wouldn’t bleed out, then sat on the couch once again to continue your work.
You hoped Changbin wouldn’t stay there for too long. Did he have enough for breakfast? You were the one who usually makes breakfast since his cooking skills were limited to frying eggs and making toasts. Should you cook some food and send it to their dorm, or would that cross his boundaries? Though looking at your condition, you weren’t sure if you could even dress up without having the urge to crouch down from the pain every 5 minutes.
Hopefully he had enough this morning. You wouldn’t want him to get a stomach ache too. Another thing you were hoping was to be able to finish your work, but could you even with Changbin constantly on your mind?
˚ ༘♡ · ₊˚ˑ༄ؘ
Changbin turned on his phone to see ‘1:30’ flashing on his phone. Did they really work on the songs for that long? He rolled his shoulders that were hurting from sitting slouched on the chair for too long. He pocketed out his keys, before unlocking the front door to your house.
“I’m home,” He mumbled, a habit of his, though he wished you wouldn’t be there to answer him because why would you be awake at that time? Thankfully you weren’t there to welcome him, but rather sleeping on the couch with your laptop propped open on the table.
He arranged his shoes on the rack then quickly put his bag aside to tend to you. “Why are you sleeping here,” He muttered to himself, saving your work, then shutting down your laptop. He looked at you and sighed. “How many times do I have to tell her to take her spectacles off before sleeping? Then tomorrow she’ll wake up complaining about it being crooked,” He muttered smiling to himself, before moving to take your spectacles off of you but then stopped.
His fingers that were in touch with your temples could feel your slightly warmer skin. Were you having a fever? He felt the temperature of your forehead with the back of his hand and you were definitely warmer than you usually were.
“Y/n. Y/n, wake up,” He shook your arm slightly until you slowly stirred awake. “Y/n, hey wake up. Are you having a fever?”
“Hm? Oh, you’re back? I slept? Ah, I’m not even done with my work yet,” You said, all the while he was worrying about your condition. As you tried to sit up, your head started to pound, making you grunt and immediately laying your head down onto the couch again.
“Y/n, are you having a fever? Have you taken any medicine?” He asked, more worried now that you were experiencing more pain.
“I’m not sure, my body’s just a little warm. I tried-” You paused, your headache making you pant, causing you to not be able to talk properly. “I tried searching for the medicine in the drawers, but I couldn’t find any. I think we ran out of them.”
Changbin sighed. “I thought I told you that I keep the spare medicine in the cabinet beside the fridge since they couldn’t fit the drawer.” He got up to get the medicine. He noticed that no food was on the table, so you definitely haven’t had any meals yet. He took out the leftovers from yesterday and quickly reheated them.
He came to your side on the couch once again with a plate full of food. He set down a glass of water and a packet of pills on the table. He scooped up some rice and meat and blowed on it before setting the spoon in front of you, ready to feed you. You were too tired to refuse him feeding you , so you opened your mouth welcoming the food.
You took the packet of pills, but Changbin quickly took it away from you, putting it back on the table. “You haven’t had anything today, so you need to eat more before you can take the pill. If not, you’ll get a stomach ache. Have your period started?” You nodded, muttering 'Just today,'. “Ah, then it’ll definitely hurt more if you take the pill now.” He offered you a spoonful of rice again.
You continued to consume two more spoons of rice, before Changbin finally handed you a pill and the glass of water. As soon as you chugged it down, Changbin was already holding a spoonful of food again.
“Why didn’t you eat? Do I always have to remind you to take your meals?” He sighed. As he was about to feed you another, you stopped him, shaking your head. Your appetite was nowhere to be found and you wished you could just sleep now. He clicked his tongue. “Come on, just finish this plate.”
Were you troubling him? He must be tired. He had been sighing non-stop since he came back. Ah, why didn’t you sleep in the room? Why did you have to sleep on the couch? He had a long day, and now this?
Your throat felt constricted by the second, your guilt rising. Your tears were forming. No, Y/n you can’t cry now. Why are you crying? Come on, come on don’t cry, please, not now, not in front of Changbin, Don’t trouble him more.
As you ate another spoonful, you looked away as you felt your tears were threatening to spill out.
“Why, what happened?” Changbin asked, his voice laced with concern.
You quickly turned back towards him, shaking your head. “No it’s nothing,” You cleared your throat. As you continued to chew, it slowly became more difficult to swallow. You felt the tears you were fighting so hard before roll down your cheeks. You saw Changbin looking more worried. “No, it’s nothing. My head is just hurting too much,” You chuckled, attempting to lighten the situation.
You sat there wiping your tears, before Changbin pulled you into a hug. “No, I swear it’s- It’s nothing. My head is just hurting, it’s fine.”
You sat there forcefully trying to stop the tears, before slowly Changbin brought his hand up to caress your head.
“Does it hurt a lot? Is my baby hurting?” His voice was so gentle, so afraid to break you more, that it ended doing just that as your heart broke more from how loving he was being.
His hold was too warm, that it made your tears spill out more and more, even when you try to stop them. Changbin had a knack for making people’s walls break down, and that night was no different. “It does. It hurts so much. I’m so sorry Bin, I’m so sorry,” Your voice came out in choked gasps.
“You don’t have to apologize darling, it’s fine. I’ll take care of you. The pain will be gone in no time, hm?” One of his hands never stopped caressing your head, the other massaging the back of your neck as he knew how strained it gets when you’re crying.
“No, I’m sorry Bin, for everything. I- I’ve troubled you so much. Yesterday I snapped at you and- and now this. I’m so sorry for being such a nuisance to you. Please don’t hate me,” You grip on his shirt tightened, your shoulders heaving up and down from how hard you were crying.
“Hey, Y/n come on. Don’t say that,” He pulled you away to look at your face, wiping your tears away. “How could you say that baby? I would never hate you. Hearing you say that breaks my heart. I was also acting stupid. I- Some of my friends were just talking about how I was too lenient with people I love that I’ll end up getting stepped on, and you know I want to take care of myself better. But- God, why did I ever think you would do that to me? I’m so sorry baby,” His words came out hurriedly, and once again he pulled you into a hug.
“I was being such a dick baby, I’m so sorry. Here, just hit me, come on.” He took your hand and began to hit his head with it and quickly you shook your head pulling away. “Please don’t cry. I can’t believe I’m making you cry, I’m so sorry baby.” This time it was you who pulled away, taking his face in your hand.
“No, you know I always want you to take care of yourself, please don’t ever forget to just because of me,” You caressed his cheek, your heart breaking from how his lips were frowning. “I’m so sorry for raising my voice at you, you didn’t deserve that. I’ll never do that again, I promise.”
“And I promise I’ll never act cold towards you again baby, not once. God, I’m so sorry.” You hugged again, for how long you weren’t sure but you were more than happy to make up for the time lost without being able to cling onto him.
After a while, he slowly pulled away. “You just have to finish this plate okay? There’s just a little more, you can finish it baby,” His hand was holding yours, his thumb caressing the back of it. You nodded. He continued to feed you until the last spoon. “You wait here, okay? I’ll go wash the plate then I’ll fill a bottle with water for you to drink in bed, okay?” He got up and kissed your forehead before moving to the kitchen. Your head was pounding a bit more, so you laid your head on the headrest.
Immediately after he came back, he took your hand to slowly lead you into the bedroom. He got out of the bedroom for a while before coming back in with a fever cooling patch in hand which he gently stick onto your forehead. He put your hair up into a bun so your hair wouldn’t stick to your neck from the sweat. Though a bit messy, the gesture didn’t fail to make your heart light up. He made sure you didn’t sleep with the blanket so heat from inside of your body could come out. He didn’t too, so you wouldn’t have to face the coolness of the night alone, but he made up for it by cuddling.
You laid in silence, afraid to break it. Were you okay now? Could you finally hug and kiss him all you want now? Would he continue calling you his favourite pet names for you?
“Y/n,” He suddenly interrupted the silence. “I really am sorry. I don’t know why or how I could even think of treating you like that. I hope you can find it in you to forgive me.”
“It’s fine, Bin. I always want you to think of yourself first. I’m happy when you do. It’s my fault for letting my temper get the best of me. I was having a bad day, and my period was on the way, but still, that’s no excuse for treating you like that. I promise I’ll work on it.”
“You know you can talk to me whenever you’re not feeling well, right?” You hummed in response. “Good… Let’s never do that again, okay? I couldn’t really focus on doing anything when all I could think about was the next time I could finally kiss you again.” You chuckled and looked up.
“Well now is a great time for that,” You smiled, and as he leaned into you, it finally dawned on you. You stopped him with your palm on his lips. “Wait, no! I’m having a fever, we can’t kiss! We shouldn’t even be sleeping so close, you’ll get infected!” You tried to push him away, but he only pulled you closer, putting his strength to use.
“Then you’ll take care of me won’t you?” He grinned, coming closer, kissing all over your face.
You slept that night in the arms of each other. You stayed in bed until evening, even when both of you were awake, just to be able to stay close together. The next day, you temperature slowly lowered, unlike Changbin’s. You had nagged him, telling him how you had told him to not be too close to you. But you didn’t mind having to take care of him. At this point, you’d do anything for him. For your heart, your love, your everything.
610 notes · View notes
williamswifey · 1 year
Note
PLS A PART TWO TO THE BELLA YOU JUST POSTED. IT IS SO GORGEOUS. OH MY GOD
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐒 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐒 - 𝐁𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐀 𝐑𝐀𝐌𝐒𝐄𝐘
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part one ; the exit
masterlist
pairing ; bella ramsey x fem!reader
summary ; your ex bella had texted you after months of no contact. you knew what you were getting yourself back into as soon as you replied.
content warnings ; slightly toxic dynamic, angst with a happy ending, bella is still sort of an asshole but working on it
a/n ; hi lovelies <3 im absolutely honored at how much love part one got, i knew i had to get a part 2 up asap 😩 i hope this ending is satisfactory !!
‘hey.’
your face paled as you read the text on your screen. was this some kind of joke? was your phone company fucking with you?
your heart rate soared as you looked at the words on the screen. should you respond? should you leave them waiting? you didn’t know how to react, and your palms were growing sweaty as you felt your chest tighten.
“what’s wrong?” heather’s voice rang out cautiously, “you’ve got this…look on your face.”
“bella just texted me.” you replied, voice void of emotion.
“oh, shit.” came her softened reply.
oh shit was right.
you spent the entire afternoon staring at the text. you were tempted to reply immediately, but you didn’t want to seem desperate.
you were barely able to get any work done, you were thankful that it had been a slow day with barely any customers. you didn’t have it in you too deal with anyone else today, as you stressed and stressed over the text message.
a part of you—the smarter part, knew the best idea would be to not reply at all. you didn’t like that idea very much.
you took a deep breath, and opening the text.
‘hi :)’ you typed out, before deleting. too flirty, not enough anger.
‘what the fuck do you want?’ you typed out seconds later, before deleting the text entirely. definitely don’t send that.
‘hey.’ you message parroted theirs, but you deleted it again. what if it was too boring and they didn’t reply?
‘who’s this?’ you wanted to send out of spite.
you weren’t above being petty, but that just felt plain mean.
a part of you wanted to call them, to hear their voice again. your missed the sound of their voice, even if you only heard it for a few seconds before your call disconnected.
that idea was the worst of all.
you sighed as you flopped against your sheets, a deep sigh rumbling out from your chest.
anxieties began to rush in your mind. what if bella texted the wrong person? what if they were drunk? what if it was a prank?
you stilled your shaking hands, sending a simply ‘hi.’ as you threw your phone across the room.
you didn’t expect your phone to buzz seconds later, the sound amplifying from the pile of clothes it had fallen into when you tossed it aside.
you walked over to your phone, unlocking it.
“it’s been a while. how are you?”
jesus. so it wasn’t the wrong person, nor was it a drunken text.
‘fine. u?’
you tried to keep your text brief, debating whether or not to continue the conversation. you knew that being in touch with bella again would only lead to more heartache, but you couldn’t ignore the thrill you felt in your stomach at the chime of their texts.
‘do u still live near our old apt?”
bella’s text made you furrow your eyebrows, as you quickly sent a reply. the term ‘our apartment’ made you feel sick to your stomach.
‘i live about two hours away. why?’
your heart raced as bella’s text bubbles appeared.
‘i’m in the area for a press conference. was wondering if you wanted to grab lunch.’
fuck.
your heart raced as you read the message over and over. what did they want? were they just looking for closure, or did they want you back?
for the next few hours, you struggled with your emotions. you couldn’t decide whether it was a good idea to meet them or to leave things as they were. in the end, bella was your weakness—they always had been.
‘sure. when?’
bella was quick with their response, even though you had left them on read for a solid three hours and forty-five minutes.
‘tomorrow afternoon. come to our spot, my treat.’
your heart raced. ‘our spot.’ you and bella had found a small italian restaurant a few years back, with food that was to die for. it wasn’t well known, and it was your secret.
‘okay.’
***
you had barely slept all night. you were awake just past 9am, you had a two hour drive to make to get to the restaurant.
you showered and changed, putting on a light floral dress, your hair natural and flowy. you would pretend you didn’t put extra time into your appearance, but you knew it was a lie.
when you approached the restaurant, your heart felt like it was about to beat out of your chest. you were a few minutes late—due to traffic, and while you should’ve felt apologetic, you felt bella deserved it for being an asshole.
you walked into the restaurant, fiddling with your necklace. bella spotted you immediately, flagging you down as they called your name.
“over here,” they called, as you nearly knocked yourself to the ground from how fast you spun around.
bella was sitting in a booth, smiling at you as they gestured for you to sit across from them.
bella looked…different. a little taller, much more confident. their style had changed, and you hated to admit how good they looked.
you wanted to run out of the restaurant, your intuition told you this was a bad idea. but the heart wants what it wants.
you sauntered over to them, plastering on a smile that you hoped didn’t look too painful as you slid into the booth across from bella.
“you look stunning as always,” bella commented, a small smile on their face.
you had to remember they were just being polite as you fought back the blush on your cheeks. you thanked them, drinking a large gulp of your water, feeling the cool liquid trickle down your throat.
it was soothing, and it took your mind off bella, who was staring thoughtfully at you from the other side of the booth.
neither of you wanted to start the conversation you knew had to take place, so instead, it was silent.
you noticed they tried not to be on their phone, eyes darting all around the restaurant. you wondered if nostalgia was hitting them the way it was hitting you.
you remembered going here with bella at least once a week when you were dating, making a night out of it. it was your favorite day of the week.
now, the restaurant seemed to have lost its magic. it didn’t feel like home, not like it used to. you wondered if it had been simply being with bella that made the place so magical all those months ago.
“so, how are you?” bella asked, picking at their nails.
“i’m okay,” you replied, voice a little breathy. your heart hadn’t stopped its somersaults in your chest since you arrived, “and yourself?”
bella began to update you on their life. it was painful, seeing how much they had accomplished without you. your heart ached at the twinkle in their eyes, the excitement in their tone. the way they made you feel hadn’t changed.
it was easy to talk to bella, you forgot how much they made you feel like you belonged. it was like old friends catching up, not missing a beat. it felt like nothing had changed…but deep down you knew that everything was different.
bella was like an addicting drug. so easy to go back to…so hard to let go of. you remembered why you put up with their bullshit for so long—because they were bella and you were you.
when the waiter came, bella listed off both of your orders without a second thought, like second nature.
perhaps they noticed you slight glare as the waiter walked away, causing them to speak up.
“oh, sorry,” they said, “is that not your order anymore?”
you sighed, shaking your head.
“it’s not that, bella,” you began. their brown eyes glanced your way, and you felt suffocated under their dreamy gaze.
“it’s just—what are we doing here? i mean, you’ve been doing your own thing and i’ve been doing mine. why all the sudden did you decide to reach out?”
bella was quiet for a moment, fiddling with their rings as they cleared their throat.
“i’m sorry,” they said, catching you off guard, “for what i did. i was a selfish asshole, and i know i hurt you.”
you wanted to say it was okay, but you’d be lying.
“thank you for the apology, i appreciate it,” you decided to reply instead.
you hated how it was between you two. it should’ve been easy—it was easy…when you two were pretending that nothing had changed. the two of you had always fit together, like two pieces of a puzzle.
now that you were tackling what had gone wrong, the atmosphere didn’t feel quite as comfortable.
“i don’t want things to be like this anymore. i miss you.” bella said.
six months ago, it was everything you wanted to hear. but now, the words that rolled off their tongue settled bitterly in your stomach.
“did you think all you had to do was say you’re sorry and i’d come running back?” you spat, “plus, don’t you have a girlfriend?” you asked.
bella looked at you with furrowed eyebrows. they opened your mouth to reply, then shut it again after a few seconds out of pure confusion.
“no?”
bella looked at you as they tilted your head. what about everything you saw?
“you don’t?” you asked in confusion.
“last i checked, i’ve been single single we broke up,” bella now seemed just as confused.
“but, your instagram and the news headlines—”
“you’ve been stalking my instagram?” bella asked, a slight teasing tone in their voice as your face went red.
“i—” you tried to defend yourself, but the words died in your throat.
“i’m just messing with you,” bella said, the atmosphere balancing on the line of tense and airy, “if you’re talking about amara…she’s just a co-star. news and headlines just like to gossip.”
“oh.” you felt stupid for bringing it up. you hated how bella could manipulate your emotions so easily, for better or for worse.
they knew it too, it’s not like they were that stupid.
you felt bella’s hand brush against yours, bringing your attention back to them.
“i’ve had a lot of time to think. no one compares to you.” bella spoke, and you didn’t know how to react.
you wanted to slap them, kiss them, scream at them, and cry, all at the same time.
“you put me through hell, you know?” you said sadly, fiddling with your necklace yet again, “i was there for you. before your career took off, when you needed a shoulder to cry on.“
“i’ve beat myself up everyday for what i did. there’s no excuse. i was new to all the fame—all the interviews. i wanted to leave my old life behind—so that’s exactly what i did. i was shitty. i owe an apology for everyone i’ve wronged, but especially you.”
bella looked down guiltily.
“i can’t take back what i did,” they said slowly, “but i’d like to try.”
you licked your lips, noticing the sincerity in their voice.
their eyes were doe-eyed, lips puffy from biting down on them.
you knew you should walk away, prevent the inevitable hurt you’d go through again when bella got bored. but for now, you picked your poison. you’d take the happiness for now, a fair exchange for the pain you’d feel later.
you tried to shush the voice of insecurity in the back of your mind. for now, bella was yours, and you were theirs. they looked at you the same way they did when you first started dating, all giddy and love struck.
you laced your hands with bella’s, a smile growing on your face.
“yeah,” you agreed, as bella shifted in their seat hopefully.
“i’d like that.”
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beary-rambles · 1 year
Note
hii🤝 can i request an ethan landry ex’s to lovers fic where the reader and ethan broke up cause of ethans jealousy so they’re just kinda mean and sarcastic to each other they’re basically just still mad at each other while being broken up and so there’s a lot of tension between them like but no smut i suck at making requests i’m sorry🙏🙏
Second Chances
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Warnings | best friend anika, ex's to lovers, very bad insults (im not good at insults), implied attempted sa, asshole when drunk ethan, slight angst but with happy ending !! not proofread
wc | 2.4k
a/n: hiiii i really appreciate the request i hope you like it !! sorry if its not exactly what you wanted !!
“Clean up in isle four a bunch of fucking garbage spilled all over the floor.” You turn to your coworker next you who rolled her eyes and walked away mumbling something about the back.
Ethan and the others had found their way to your work establishment. Ethan turned his head towards you and rolled his eyes, “Don't you have a job to do?” “I am working asshole see” you gesture to your work uniform and pick one of the items off the shelf just to put it back on. He shakes his head and makes a step towards you so youre almost face to face, “you're so stupid.” You mock him, “How dare you?” “There's nothing wrong with pointing out the truth.”
“Just make out already Jesus christ.” Tara, tired of the two of you, leads the others out of the isle, Ethan scoffs and turns away from you, giving you one last look to which you flip him off before he walks out of the isle.
Watching him leave sucks, you hate to admit it but you miss him. So much. The night two weeks ago is still burning in the back of your memory.
you were just at a party only maybe thirty minutes ago, you had walked away from him and the rest of the group for a quick second to grab a refill only to get stopped by a guy. He grabs your arm and smiles at you. You think his name is mark? You recognize him from your English class.
“You wanna be my beer pong partner?” You shake your head and smile at him, “No sorry i just need to grab a drink.” he sighs, “can i atleast get your number gorgeous?” You shake your head, “I got a boyfriend.” “I'm sorry.” He nods and walks back over to the beer pong table.
You make your way over to the drink table, “what was that?” As you pour a drink you see your boyfriend, Ethan, standing behind you with an unreadable look on his face. you smile at him before turning back to the table, “you know that guy mark from english? he asked if i wanted to play beer pong with him.” you laugh and fill up your cup.
However, you turn back to see Ethan have an upset look. “is everything okay-” “why was he holding your arm?” Your expression turns grim due to his tone, “um… he asked for my number, i told him no obviously.” His face didn't let up, “Ethan, I promise nothing happened.”
He scoffs and turns away from you, “you looked a little too happy to have said no.” You look at him in disbelief, “are you kidding ethan?'' He doesn't look at you. “I can't believe this, you can't even trust me?” he turns back to you, “why should i?” you open and close your mouth in shock, “because i'm your girlfriend? You know what, no I'm not. you're unbelievable i'm so done with you.”
He follows after you, you can see a stumble in his step, is he drunk? “Baby please-” You huff, “Leave me alone, seriously. Dont text or call me.”
He had left you a large array of messages and tried to call you many many times but all of them went ignored.
Whenever he would try to approach you in person you shut down any sort of advances with an ache in your chest.
You feel a hand tap your shoulder and you turn to see anika there with a sad expression, “you still haven't talked to him?” why should you? he was disrespectful and mean, despite how much you may miss him you will never let someone treat you like he did.
“y/n please just talk to him, you two are miserable.” You sigh and shake your head, “I don't feel miserable, I feel great.” you let out a halfhearted laugh before playing with the already perfectly arranged shelf, “sorry but i have to get back to work.” You see in the corner of your eye her frowning but before she can say anymore you hear Mindy calling for her to join them as they leave.
She walks away and you feel regret at the sad look on her face, you'll have to text her an apology letter.
One of your bigger regrets from your breakup is that you cut contact with the whole group, it's not like they wanted to but you didn't want them to have to choose. you watch out of the corner of your eye as they walk out the front door and you take a breath of relief. This sucks.
When anika invites you to go shopping at the mall, you are shocked to see her standing around with the rest of the group. Ethan standing further back in the group in a seemingly heated discussion with mindy. God this sucks.
Praying she hasn't seen you yet you try to rush away, maybe text her that you aren't feeling well but of course, “y/n!! over here!!” you sigh and turn back with a forced smile.
you slowly walk over and seeing her genuinely cheerful smile puts a real one on your face, “anika hey, hi guys….” you look at the rest of the group who all greet you except one. He looks to the floor as anika begins to drag you along talking about what clothes she wants to get today.
Soon enough sam, tara and chad split off from the group leaving just you anika mindy and of course, ethan. You are now walking side by side with Ethan as Mindy and anika hold hands in front of you.
You look over to him and see him already looking at you and you scoff despite the fact your heart races, “it's rude to stare you know” he rolls his eyes, “it's hard not to when you have something in your hair.” your hands immediately fly to your hair picking and pulling at it.
He stops you with a sigh, “it's here.” He turns you head towards him and your face heads as he pulls something from your hair and flicks it from his hand. You two stare at each other, his doe eyes softening seeing your face. You look down at his lips, remembering how they felt, wishing you could just grab his neck and pull him against you.
You snap out of it hearing mindy laugh, “god they're so stupid.” You see anika smile at you as you two pull away from each other. You scoff as you move in front of the group, “don't do that again.” You begin to walk away not bothering to look if they're following you, “not even a thank you?” you don't turn back to look at him, not trusting yourself to.
“Your outfit looks bad.” “is that the worst you have?” His outfit doesn't look bad. Hes wearing a fucking suit of course he doesn't look bad. It was Sam's birthday so you were all going to some really nice restaurant. you turn your body fully away from him as you all wait in the lobby for the table.
“the worst thing here just so happens to be your hair.” you hear him scoff, “you love my hair.” You turn back to him with an angry look, why would he say that, it's true of course but he has no right. “i don't like your hair just as much as i don't like your face.” he shakes his head and looks away from you with an unreadable look.
“your insults are really bad today. did you wake up on the right side of the bed this morning?” he finally looks back at you and stares at your face, you think he's looking at your eyes but his eyes are turned down slightly, your lips.
Before you can say anymore the table is ready while walking there his hand brushes against yours and you immediately pull your hand away. He looks at you with a frown before he shakes his head and sits far away from you. Good, you think no it wasn't good. It sucked.
You're at a party anika dragged you to, you hadn't gone to one since Ethan and you split. Anika decided it was time to get you out of the house so here you were. She ignored you anytime you asked if ethan would be there which leads you to believe he is which sucks.
You stare at the empty cup in your hand and sigh as you stand up to go fill it again despite the fact you are probably way too drunk and shouldn't be drinking anymore. You finally stumble your way towards the table, you pour yourself another drink and chug it down attempting to ignore your pounding head.
“Something wrong, gorgeous?” You turn and see Mark, the same guy from a few weeks ago, You shake your head unable to answer him and wave him off. “Are you sure? you nod again, putting a hand on your head.
“c'mon i'll help you to a room upstairs.” you feel in grab you and begin to lead you towards the stairs you try to push him away but he keeps a tight firm grip.
at the bottom of the stairs you grab the railing to stop him from pulling you up when you hear a voice, “uh what's going on here?” ethan. Thank god. He has a confused look on his face as he looks between the two of you.
“Hey man, I'm just taking her upstairs to rest her head.” you shake your head and look at ethan with a desperate look and he immediately steps into action. “I'm friends with her roommate, I'll just take her back to her dorm.” Ethan moves towards you to grab you but Mark gets defensive and pulls you towards him, “she asked me to take her don't worry man.”
Ethans face hardens, “let her go.” The rest of the group had made there way over to you guys and chad stepped next to ethan. “I don't see the big deal man-” Ethan ripped you from his arms and grabbed onto you as Ethan slammed his hands into the guy's chest. “dont fucking call me man again, leave my girlfriend the fuck alone.”
“are you alright?'' You nod at Chad and watch as Ethan gets in the guy's face and says a couple more things you can't hear before he rushes back towards you and holds you in his arms.
“are you alright? god i'm sorry baby, cmon lets go.” He lifts you into his arms and carries you out, not before he and Chad exchange a few words with a nod from Chad Ethan leaves with you in his arms.
It feels nice, for a moment you forget everything that's happened between you two the last couple weeks and lay your head on his neck. you feel his grip tighten as he pulls you closer, “i got you baby dont worry.”
You close your eyes and breathe in his scent feeling relaxed you almost fall asleep. He cursed to himself and you opened your eyes again.
You notice you aren't on the way to your dorm, “where are we-” “my dorm, sorry i didn't grab the keys from anika.”
You look up at his face and he looks down at you, he's so beautiful. you notice his face turns red and his pace quickens. Had you said that outloud?
You arrive at his dorm, “I'm gonna put you down for a sec, okay?” he only moves to put you down once you nod, he places you on your feet your body leaning against his and he opens the door.
He lifts you back into his arms and walks you inside, closing the door behind him. you feel his warmth leave you when he places you on his bed.
You watch him leave, wanting to ask where's he's going but he comes back quickly with a glass of water, “drink it please” you chug down the water, not realizing how parched you actually were he takes the glass away from you still don't making eye contact, “you can sleep on the bed, i'll call anika to let her know-” you watch him try to move away from you and you whine and grabbing his arm.
“don't leave me.” you don't want him to leave, all the nights you've spent alone since breaking up with ethan flood back into your mind and your eyes water why did being drunk have to make you so emotional. “please.”
His eyes widen before he sits down into the bed, taking off his shoes and yours before lifting up the comforter and squeezing in next to you. A smile grows on your face as he finally faces you, you run a hand along his face and trace his features. “I've missed you, I'm sorry, for everything.” his eyes close at the feeling of your hands.
you keep running a hand along his cheek, “what in particular?” you want to make sure he knows what he's apologizing for, now is not the time you know that but you need to ask. “That whole night, the words I said and what I insinuated, I was drunk. That's not an excuse I know but I want you to know I didn't mean it baby I promise.”
You nod your head, feeling sleep overtake you. “If you really mean it, tell me in the morning.” you mumble as you wiggle into his arms, knowing you already forgive him. He wraps his arms around you, “of course baby I love you.”
You wake up the next morning with a pounding headache. You groan and put a hand on your head, you should never drink like that again. You run your hands along the face before realizing you're not in your bed, oh right. last night.
you turn over and see ethan already looking at you, now sober you feel awkward “um good morning.” he smiles at you, “good morning.” you two sit in silence for awhile with him admiring you while you try to avoid eye contact, why was this so awkward?
“So do I need to go through the whole speech again or do you remember?” he looks at you hopefully to which you nod. “never talk to me like that again.” he shakes his head, “never.” you laugh, giving into your true desires and wrapping your arms around him.
“Does this mean I'm your boyfriend again?” You pull back slightly and kiss him, “does that answer your question?”
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heivexl · 5 months
Text
AND THEY SAID SPEAK NOW | enha hyung line x fem!reader
synopsis: you and enha as speak now songs
warning : suggestive themes in jakes, no smut, cursing
lhs : enchanted
vanished when I saw your face
there you were again. in another college party you didnt even enjoy. the music blaring, the people dancing, the lights shining. forcing your laugh as you conversate with another person at this party on the balcony of the party house. its funny though, all your life you wanted to be popular, so the day you get invited to join the popular girls why do you hate it so much? if this is what you wanted why are you complaining now? maybe its because you lost the only person you truly loved, and all you need these days are their presence. but how do you get it back when you-
lee heeseung?
is that him?
why is he at a college party? he hates parties
nobody knew you had a secret. in midst of being influenced by your new friendgroup you had lost your bestfriend. you didnt even realize how you 2 have changed until one day you realized you two havent talked. texting him you saw your message was never delivered. he didnt want to be friends anymore. to you and heeseung, you guys were perfect together. you both had mutual feelings for one another but decided to graduate before persuing one another, but before the month of graduation he had blocked you. now your seeing him at your college party for the first time in 2 years? all those nights you spent wishing for everything to reverse, begging for him to come back to you, how his face, name, voice, personality has never left your brain, and now hes right infront of you.
when you two saw each other it was like being a deer in headlights, you both didnt know how to react to seeing each other
“y/n?” he mouthed
“heeseung” you mouthed back smiling
you saw the way his eyes shined when he saw yours. there was a glimpse of hesitation but reluctantly he walked towards you.
“you party now?” i ask smiling, he shook his head smirking “no, my girlfriend is here and im accompanying her” he said yelling over the music
oh.
that hit a nerve.
how could you be mad though, you were the one who threw your relationship with him away…
“how have you been?” i asked not knowing how to continue. he took a deep breath in and looked down at his feet “ive been alright, you seem happy” looking away ashamed you shook your head “not really.” thats when he looked up and tilted his head “i sound like a asshole but i really do regret being greedy and wanting to be popular when i was just fine being myself with you, i completely threw away what we had for something im not even happy with when i was happy with you. hell i was in love,” you admitted turning your head towards him to see his lips slowly curve up as the music lowers down “hey, dont worry. i was here all along waiting for you.”
“what?” “i was”
“i spent nights wondering who you loved, debating whether i should move on or not. i prayed every night that you didnt move on and as selfish as it sounds, still in love with me. i even would spend days walking back and forth in front of your door debating on if should knock or just leave you alone.”
“heeseung, your girlfriend!” you said suddenly remembering his mention of his girlfriend
he looks taken back as his eyebrows furrowed together “girlfriend?” he asked
“you said you were here with your girlfriend heeseung”
he started laughing leaning towards you resting his forehead on your shoulder
“i meant girl friend, friend thats a girl y/n”
you shouldnt have but you felt relieved with that. you smile rubbing his back
“it sounds stupid but i havent had been able to move on from our situationship since that day i blocked you. i thought that wouldve helped me distance myself from you.” he said looking down at you holding the sides of your waist
“heeseung, why do you keep speaking in past tense?”
“because i have you now.
have you moved on from us?” he lifted your face with his fingers to look up at him
quickly shaking your head he hugs you.
“i was enchanted to meet you again.”
pjs : speak now
don't wait, or say a single vow
you shouldnt be salty as you thought finishing your makeup. but how couldnt you be when your boyfriend-
sorry, ex boyfriend
is getting an arranged marriage?
your ex, jay. was forced to break up with you and marry her for his parents company. as much as you hated it and was heartbroken when he broke the news to you and as much as you hated it, he hated it more, you both were eachothers first true love. a love where you know you 2 are meant for eachother but of course when you and jay felt finally were happy he had to get married to her.
when you arrived at the venue, you saw jay’s fiancee talking to jays friends with both his and her parents. you could see the disapproval in jays parents eyes as they saw the way she treated his friends wondering how she would treat their son. when they saw you they smiled and waved, waving back you sadly smile. you knew you couldnt be mad at them. this couldve broken their whole career that they worked so hard for, they apologized many times and as much as you wanted to say it was okay, you knew it wasnt. jay’s fiancee looked over at where her future parent in laws were looking, you swear you could see fumes coming out of her ears. she stomped towards you and mumbles so no one but you could hear
“leave my wedding, jay already broke up with you. i dont know who invited you but leave.”
you look over at jays parents with confused looks on their faces, you turn your attention back on his fiancee and walk away. you were too drained to fight with a snotty girl who clearly didnt deserve your ex. walking to the exit of the venue you sit on a bench hidden away in front of the exit of the venue processing your thoughts. you felt a presence sit near you “hey” he said shakily. you look over at him and press your lips in a line “you look nice” wouldve been nicer if you were the one who was getting married to him. “thank you.” he said chuckling, leaving silence between you two. he sighed “im really sorry again. i never meant for any of this to happen” how could you be mad at him? “dont worry, ill move on and youll be successful, i know its for the better” jay swore he felt his heart stop at the words of you moving on, or even the thought of it. “youll be there?” he asked, it was a dickhead move to ask you to see him kiss any other woman than you then be legally married to him taking his last name but he wanted you to be there so he could see your face while marrying her, yknow…so itll seem like hes getting married to you. “id love too” you said sarcastically making both of you laugh “but your wife uninvited me” he looked at you with wide eyes “first of all shes not my wife…but what?” you nodded your head “she uninvited me when she saw me” he breathed deeply “can you just sneak in? ill cover you up if she gets mad at you.” you look at him and see his eyes of plee
“fine.”
so now your here sitting front row on her side so jay can see you, sitting next to jays mom. when the priest says “speak now or forever hold your peace” you close your eyes not wanting to see whats gonna happen after, suddenly you feel jays mom poke up and clear her throat. you look at her with wide eyes, does she…
she glared at jays fiancee and nudged you harder. you stood up and everyone gasped. jay looked at you and smiled while his fiancee stared at you. you swore she could’ve exploded on the spot “i am not the kind of girl who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion you are not the kind of boy who should be marrying the wrong girl.” you heard jays mom and dad laugh as jay runs towards you grabbing your hand running to his changing room “lets run away now, ill meet you when im out of my tux in the back door” you ran to the back as he changed and when you saw him he carried you bridal style as you two ran from the venue.
“im so glad you were around when they said speak now.”
sjy : i can see you
what would you do if they never found us out?
he brushed pass you as you tried to get into your office making you roll your eyes. for the longest time the office established and joked that you and jake were mortal enemies. but how would they react if they knew what you and jake really feel for each other? you both dont even know but what you two both know is that those touches and glances dont go unnoticed. those times he waited for you outside of your office when everyone had already left. those teasing moments, enemies dont do that.
enemies dont kiss either.
you dont remember how it happened but he knocked on your office door with files you had sent him that were apparently wrong.
“now i have to go in and fix this shit!”
“why dont you do that and shut the fuck up then?!”
“you did this on purpose huh? so i can come into your office”
“and why would i do that?”
“because you like me.” he said faintly
“what?” you asked lowering your tone
just then his lips interlocked with yours
you two were interrupted by a knock on your door. his lips left your lips as his forehead rested against yours “keep this between you and me yeah?” he mumbled before walking out the door smirking at you.
what the fuck just happened.
the next few weeks he acted as if nothing happened in public some faint touches here and there and being around your presence more but nothing else. but in his or your office you surely werent enemies. you both kept it professional on the outside but the confused looks from your coworkers at you and jakes rather peace between one another.
the next week jake kept his distance from you, which made you want to hate him even more. you rolled your eyes whenever he left a room or space you were in, he was probably playing you. tonight your office was hosting a party for the workers to relax and hangout.
you showed up a bit late, walking in you talked to a few people sipping your drink from here and there. you didnt notice but someone had their eye on you throughout the whole party.
when you were standing in a random place in the party jake walked up to you and handed you a note
“meet me tonight.”
you hate to admit but you listened. you looked for him in the party but couldnt find him. suddenly you noticed a familiar back… walking up to him, he turned to you and you looked observing his outfit. he was wearing his dress shirt, dress pants and his tie, jacket hanging from his arm. “stop looking at me like that” he chuckled before putting his jacket on your shoulders. “whatd you need?” he stared at you for a second before kissing you, yes you kissed him back…😔
“w-what?”
“i like you. i dont want to be someone you hate anymore. i dont want us to be known for hating each other i dont want kissing you to feel like a secret mission, i dont want those faint touches you give me on my shoulder, arm, or back of my neck when your hating me for anyone else.”
“why didnt you tell me sooner? i thought you hated me.” you chuckle
“what would you do if they found us out?”
“hate you even more”
“exactly”
you both laughed, maybe those secret missions arent so secret anymore,
psh : timeless
the kinda love that you only find once in a lifetime
you and sunghoon were walking in the street when you noticed a antique shop and dragged sunghoon in. “what are we doing in here?” “i dont know, it just feels right to be here right now” he chuckles at your explanation “your weird.”
the bell rang as you opened door, you saw a cardboard box with a sign “photos 25 cents each” and picked up a random photo as sunghoon wrapped a arm around your waist looking at the photo with you its was a couple laughing infront of their first house “this will be us in the future” you both laughed and picked up another photo. when you were talking a older lady walked up from behind the counter, “do you two need help?” the lady asked as you two shook your heads “we dont get young people like you guys around here often” she looked over at the photos you and sunghoon were looking at “these are actually me and my husbands photos” you and sunghoon looked up at the lady letting her continue. “as much as i would like to hold onto the memories, my husband told me i should sell some of the photos to prove to people love is true and real.” “can you tell us more?” sunghoon asked
the lady nodded and lead you both to a space where there was a lounge area while holding the box of photos. “me and my husband met in 1944 on a crowded street, and the war was about to happen, but we felt so bounded. when he departed we stayed strong, we wrote to eachothers every day and prayed he would be safe and come home to me. i believe you two were suppose to find his box, this shop. how long have you been together?” she asked
“2 years” you replied and the lady smiled you picked up another photo of her and her husband in their teens holding hands in a driveway on their way to a dance. “this reminds me of when we went to our first party together” sunghoon said making all 3 of you laugh. she pulled out a book of letters “i was forced to marry another man, but he still wrote to me. unfortunately i couldnt write back but i was still his and he was still mines. one day he sent me a letter of him coming back. i left and ran to him as we reunited.”
“man i wish we had a cool love story too”
“that you get married to another man?” he teases
“sunghoon!”
“i mean we had proof of our relationship in 3d photos…”
you all laugh and she looks over at you “sometimes theres no proof you just know.”
you nod and smile at her, as you both thank her and left you clinged to sunghoons arm “am i still weird?”
“maybe not…that was nice”
“it was”
“hey…”
he looked over at you raising his eyebrow
“maybe we didnt meet in a crowded street but we did meet in a…
crowded room!”
“crowded room!”
you both said at the same time giggling after
“and about that ‘marrying another man’ your always gonna be mine.”
“im perfectly fine with that, i mean who will love me when my hair is turning gray?” you said as he laughed
“we should really get on that cardboard box of the life we made”
“then what?” he asked
“youll say ‘oh my! we really were timeless!’ ” you said sarcastically
so there you two were setting up your camera
“do you think were timeless in every universe?”
“no doubt.
who will love you when your hairs gray?”
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nightfallsolace · 4 months
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Our Little Secret// Hanma Shuji x Reader  || Chapter 2
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in which (Y/n) Ryuguji Draken’s little sister, has a hidden affair with one of their enemies, Hanma Shuji.
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The music was blasting trough your headphones, you knew if someone walked into your room they would hear the raging music all the way from the door frame. You didnt want to lower the volume, it was perfectly fine. Yes sure there was a risk that you could potentially go deaf but thats only pontential, it wont come true anytime soon. Yet despite not wanting to lower the volume you had to anyways, after all your older brother could knock at the door at any given moment and tough the sound would be lowered by the sensual moans in the room beside you, there was still thatslight chance and you didnt want to worry your dear brother.
While you were turning down the volume a notification popped up on the top of the screen, the contact read "Wanna be Annabelle" and you groaned not wanting to deal with that Wednesday Addams rip-off
"Hey (n/n) wanna go and hangout? "
You scoffed at his audacity, seriously? In broad daylight he'd invite you to fight when he knows youd rather jump off a cliff now than let yourself be known, it'd ruin the years of eefort of concealing the fact you werent just some clumsy little girl hiding behind his big strong brother's back. The three dots appeard on the bottom left of the screen as another message popped up
"i know youve read my message :)"
As much as you wanted to leave the man on read you couldn't because he knew who you really were and any day now he could tell your dear old precious older brother, and he wouldnt actually belive a word rannabelle would say he would still give the benefit of doubt, Ken-chin's a brute but hes not stupid.
"and by hang out you mean go and dislodge some joints? why should I accept your invite? What even will i get from this?"
Sent.
"dont be mad princess you know i wouldn't invite you for a friendly beat up session with no proper excuse"
There was a pause  before the phone rang the iconic "ding"
"The group's harassed alot girls in the area bannering around their petty little title and evn used me and Rin-rin's name, CAN YOU BELIVE IT? THE AUDACITY THOSE ASSHOLES HAVE--
Anyways im sure youd love to beat them up due to their background, and to top it all off,  they've been collecting money from old ladies off the street"
Your face contoured in disgust and anger, they even targeted GRANNIES?? DO THESE MEN HAVE NO HEART??
"fine, but when i get there i better have a (favorite drink) and starberry shortcake with the extra jam and cream or im shoving your batton up your ass.
Meet me at our usual cafe. "
Sent.
Read.
" ah yes, there's the woman with anger issues ive grown to love"
You scoffed with disbelief
"atleast I havent been charged with murder."
You didnt wait for a reply and got up to get ready, throwing on some cloud spun stockings and a a pretty pink skirt, putting on a cycling for extra measure to make sure no would could peek. You quickly did your eyeliner and applied a heavy coating of strawberry lip balm cause your lips were dry as hell and it was starting to hurt.
You threw on the sweater your brother had given you a few months back as a congratulations present for being the top student in your class, it was a nice shade of pastel yellow and had a few blue and pink accents here and there. You grabbed one of your wigs and a cap gently placing it in your bag.
You sent a text your older brother saying you'll be going to Roppongi and will be back before midnight and got a "ok, stay safe, message me when you get there." as a reply.aWith that done you walked you way to the nearest train station greeting a few classmates along the way. You made pyour way to the counter to purchase a ticket and wait for a solid 5 minutes before the train to Roppongi was called, the train was pretty croweded considering it was the weekends and there was a new shopping mall that just oppened in the area.  It was suprisingly quick considering the travel time was normay longer and slower, you got off the train not before helping an old lady get to the platform.
You walked trough the busy streets of Roppongi passing several small stalls and a few several malls, the streets were busy and loud, music blasting from each store front the boisterous music competing in volume trying its best to attarct the most customers, even in the day this place is always so loud and livey. You stopped at a cafe in the near outskirts of the main city, it was less loud and had more of a calm feel to it, youd prefer this place than the city anyday. As you got closer to the cafe you spotted a man with long black hair with bleached accents stiiting under one of the purple parasols shading the tables and chairs outside the cafe, instead of his normal pigtails, his hair was held up in an elegant bun and wore a fold framed non-perscription glasses. You called out to the man and he shot a look your way
"Ah there you ar-"
"my food?"
"yeah yeah here" the man handed you a bag of (f/d) and strawberry shortcake with extra jam and cream
"good" you opened the bag to inspect the contects to see if it actually had extra cream and jam, and once you finished you smiled satisfied. "thank you"
His face showed pure "genuine" shock "You?! Thanking me?! Oh my i must be dreaming, have you had a change of heart? Oh ive been blessed!" he dramatically put his hand on his mouth and prentented to faint "someone catch me this is to overwhelming!" he fell backwards and you had to catch him despite your raging urge to let him fall. "get up Ran you're heavy" you push him upwards to help him stand up and he stood with a huff and brushed himself off even tough he didnt even fall.
"where's Rin? You said looking around "I tought he'd be here" Ran scoffed in disbelief "Wow im the one whos standing right here beside you and you look for my brother? Im hurt (n/n) "  you shook your head and took out the (f/d) from the bag opening the can
"well thats because his attitude is more tolerable than yours" 
Before he could have time to reply you dragged him out of the cafe's property and led him to the alley near by.
"enough folling around I plan on tending to my plants before going home, where are the guys you were talking about" he pulled out his phone and searched for a bit before placing the phone in your hands, "thats where they usually are, i got it from some residents around here" you looked at the picture and the coordiantes "and how are we going to get there?" he smiled big and toothy
"I tought youd never ask, were taking my bike" you took your bag and pulled out the wig and cap you brought "I tough so" you tied your hair up and put on the cap, placing the wig and appliying a bit of wig glue around the rim to make sure it wont fall of during the ride.
"kay im done let's go" the two of you walked to where his bike was parked back at the cafe, he got on the bike and revved it up and signalled you to hop on. The two of you sped trough the streets of roppongi
"AH- PLEASE-" you stomped on the man's nose as his blood gargled in his nose as he struggled to breath. 
"please? Pathetic, look at you begging for me to stop, to listen to your pleas, but tell me, did you listen to all those women who said no?" you crouched down to reach the man's height 
"did you listen when they told you that it hurt, or was uncomfortable with what you were doing?" the man stayed silent, his breathing was ragged and rough.
" i asked you a question." a hard blow landed on the mans stomach as he wheezed in pain, unable to scream due to the damage done to his body. 
"NO- I DIDNT-- IM SOR-" a painful smack hit him across the face. 
" it shouldnt be me you should be apologizing to, its all the women youve hurt and scared" you looked at Ran and answered as if he already knew what you were thinking. 
" no i dont have the women's adresses or names, i never received any info on it" you frowned dissapointed
"well i guess we'll just have to end this guys misery dont we?" he smiled at you and looked blankly at the man
 " you do the honors"  the man panic thinking this would be the last moment he would breath, but in reality you were just going to make him pass out, unlike ran you were "merciful" to those you beat up. You punched his face hard and blunt knocking him out. 
"my job here is done, drive me to the station?"
"whats the magic word? ~" the man sang annoyingly, you really really wanted to punch this guy's guts right now and leave him cold and passed out but you didnt wnat to walk to the train station. You chcked the time on your watch and the clocked flashed 4:45, it was pretty decent since you left at around 10 in the morning. You sighed defeated really not wanting to walk. 
"Ran will you please drive me to the station?" he smiled content, "alright". 
You got on his bike and he sped his way trough the streets ince again and dropped you off at the station. The two of you bid your goodbyes and you had told him to say hi to Rindou for you, he simply smiled and left. The ride home was tahnkfully peaceful, you had wipped your shoes and removed your wig at the stations bathroom and discarded the tissues in the bin. You opened your phone to find several missed calls from your older brother. 
"shit I forgot to text him" you muttered under your breath. You called him and sent apologetic looks to the people around you, bowing at them because of the ruckus you'll cause. 
"hello? Aniki?" you kept your voice hushed and low. 
"are you ok? you didnt text me and i was starting to get worried" you smiled at his reaction, your brother was a man that had a tough facade, which scared people, it made them think he was just a mean gangster, but in reality, he was extrenly kind and caring to those he loves and holds dear. 
"yes im ok, im sorry for not texting you when i got there, i forgot" he sighed relieved. 
"its alright just make sure to get home safe" "dont worry I will, i gotta hang up im on the train, love you"
"love ya to (n/n) keep safe" a long beep was heard as he hung up, you once again bowed and sent apologetic bows to the people in the train and they simply bowed back, well more like nodded but what is is what it is. You got off the train and walked your way towards one of the nearby beaches where you had set up your own makeshift garden, it was littered with nightshades and foxgloves, which you sold after you processed it extracting its poision and seeling it a pretty decent price. Was it illegal? Yes, yes it was, could it pottentially get you in trouble? Yes, yes it could, and could it pottentially be a gateway to a more darker path in life presumably in the mafia of a larger crime gang? Yes, yes in fact. 
You turned left to where the big stone which was hiding the plants only to see a man standing in the patches of nightshades and foxgloves. You stopped in your tracks, usually no one was there, infact, the only person who ever came there was you. Maybe it was the fact that it was a pretty secluded area, and the fact that atleast 6 murders happened there, including the nightshade poisoning incident, people were advised not to go. But there stood a figure looming in the darkness, you were readey to fight as you got closer you were able to make up who was the man standing in your garden, and there he was, in all his glory Hanma Shuji. 
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julibeeline · 2 years
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I love you, just you ⛄️🌪 [karl jacobs]
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[karl jacobs x reader]
“your boyfriend seems to be too preoccupied with tina to even acknowledge you”
warnings: angst
masterlist
​​getting singled out; an expression of being excluded, isolated and neglected. something that had never crossed your mind until this very second.
“that just reminded me of that one time-“ karl’s giggle-laugh droned out in your ear as you heard him and tina making another inside joke for the 5th time in the past half hour. originally you had thought this stream was a fun idea, your boyfriend had wanted you to meet one of his close friends, in real life, in a stream, just the three of you.
it was at first, until it became unbearably pathetic for you to be stuck in a room with this atmosphere that anyone could tell was uncomfortable. just for you, though, not them.
you couldn't figure out where it went all wrong, the supposedly innocent ‘you laugh you lose’ stream really took a 180, as you now sat there awkwardly looking around the room until the next media share popped up. next to you sat karl and tina, poking one another, trying to make each other laugh; “a part of the challenge” he says.
your legs shook underneath the shared desk as you looked through chat, trying to thank the donations that the other two seemed to miss, of course they did, being too stuck up each other’s asses. subtle tears seemed to slightly blur your vision as you read what the viewers sent in chat. it only made you feel worse.
tf is karl doing?
i feel so bad?? what the fuck is going on?
someone tell those two to stfu
i thought karl was y/n’s boyfriend? not tina’s?
lmfaoo why’s tina trying so hard to get karls attention 💀
you got up from your chair, making an excuse to go to the bathroom. karl didnt even seem to notice anyways. when you entered the bathroom, you pulled out your phone and started to text you and karl’s shared best friend, quackity. ha, seems like he beat you to it.
alex
hey you okay? whats going on in karl’s stream?
you
i dont know
i wanna get out of here
alex
why are they such assholes?
they shouldnt be leaving you out like that.
especially karl
he was right, you didn't deserve this. god you wanted to break up with karl right there and then. but you didn't. instead, you returned back to the stream and patiently waited for it to come to an end. damn they were really having the time of their lives.
bro its been going on for the past hour 😐
karl doesnt even deserve y/n tbh
my respect for karl and tina 📉📉
as the stream slowly ended and tina left the house after saying her goodbyes, it became an uncomfortable silence between you and karl. the lively atmosphere stopped too abruptly, it seemed that karl had finally sensed something was wrong.
“hey baby, you okay? im sorry the stream was a bit long-“
“i think im gonna go to bed. im kinda tired” you mutter, going past him to his bed.
“o-oh okay, uhm have a good night-“
you close the door.
karl stood there behind the door that you had just closed, wide eyed. he slowly walked back to his monitor, perhaps you weren’t feeling too well? 
he had planned to edit the stream he had just done, thinking it went pretty well. as he opened up the vod from twitch, he got an uneasy feeling in his stomach. 13 unread messages from quackity on discord?
quackity
karl wtf?
its getting kinda annoying for y/n right now man
KARL
KARL
STOP
this is bullshit
what are you even doing?
karl
youre leaving y/n out
so is tina
dude
hey asshole?
read your texts
karl’s eyes widened as he read through the texts, guilt bubbling up in his stomach. he furrowed his eyebrows as the vod played on his second monitor, shifting his attention to it.
“KARL STOP YOURE GONNA MAKE ME LAUGH STOP POKING ME” tina’s voice played from the video. the back of his throat felt tight, panic starting to rise in him.
he continued watching the vod, occasionally skipping to other parts of it when the shame got too much to handle. the visible dismay on your face only helped it grow.
what was he even doing?
as he replayed the chat, his eyes glossed over.
hesitantly getting up from his seat, and taking off his headphones, karl walked over to his bedroom door.
he thought to himself before he opened the door. what should he say? how does he start? was it too late already?
the sight when he opened the door, somehow managed to crack his heart in the slightest.
you were on one side of the bed, far away towards the wall. where he usually slept with you was now empty, his spot on the bed seemed way too accessible now.
the guilt and regret slowly washed over him as he got in, wrapping one arm around your waist in an attempt to pull you closer. for some kind of reassurance for himself.
“y/n? are you awake?”
“mm..”
“im so sorry” 
“what?” you mumbled half asleep and sat up slowly. you were met with karl’s worried, now red eyes, never daring to make eye contact with you.
“you know i love you, right? and im really sorry, i shouldn't have left you out like that. im sorry for ignoring you and only talking to tina, im just so sorry and i don’t blame you if you want to break up, it’s just I didn’t mean to-”he cries.
“karl, slow down, its fine-”
“i love you, just you”
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carrickbender · 1 month
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Sunday 7-
I had 2 drs appointments on Friday, one of which was a CT that was supposed to help figure out why I have so much pain in my right testicle(TMI). It saw nothing, so now we get to keep guessing. Boss told me to "take weekend off", but was doing the morning orders/teams call every day between 5-7, trying to fix stuff and do reconciliations. Glad they trust me with this, but wanna give a 'high five' to my imposter syndrome telling me im gonna get fired any day.
- had to take Henry to urgent care on Saturday, and it turns out he has the start of pneumonia. Wanna give a big shout out to the ARNP who told me she really thought he should just 'ride it out' after 10 days of awful coughing and that their kids 'were still in it after a month'. Yeah, the PA said there was no way he wasn't leaving without antibiotics. Made me feel like an asshole parent... he's on day 2, and already more of himself.
- I went back up there today for me, and I have pretty severe bronchitis. He put me on a different antibiotic, more steroids, refilled my inhaler, and actually listened to me. I mean, I appreciated his care and actual concern. Fun situation: while I was there, a tree fell across the powerlines and tripped off most of town, so they had to go to back-up generators. There was a hall full of people, in a brown out, that the staff were managing like pros. Seriously, we are lucky to have that place.
-after today, I have 4 payments left on my car. 4. I think we will wait till June, and then it's 4 door vehicle time. The lunabug is getting taller, and we want to go see my dad/stepmom in Eastern Wa in something that has space. Everybody and their dog has sent me one of those damn, "interested in a new car loan? It's OK to check your rate, and won't hurt your credit" messages and as soon as my credit union chimes in, I'm sure we'll have something to talk about.
- speaking of something to not talk about, I learned a new term and joined a subredit today called 'dead bedrooms', and yeah, checks out completely. I don't have a therapist yet, so it's not a bad sorce of info or me trying to figure out what I have messed up(apparently, yet again).
- so I had to stop at Walmart(yay for small business destruction by a corporate giant!) for meds/a few groceries and this dingus in an f250 with a WA st license plate celebrating wrestling decided he needed to back into a compact space that was in front of me. He almost hit the first car on the way in(who had to stop and back up), but then he literally backed his 'not a farm truck but a penis extension' into the compact space in front of me, and thanks to me backing up knowing he would have been sticking out if I didn't, he took 3 feet of my spot and his hitch was literally 4 inches from hitting my car. In my space. And that entitled piece of shit didn't even look to see how close he was, he just walked away like he was the king of backing up. Look, I have no problem with wrestlers, but the only one who matters in my life is John Irving, and I think he would have been sensitive enough not to be a shit bird like that! (Part 1 of 2 rant)
- I wanted to share a thought or 2 about something I've seen going about on here for a little bit, because I think i need to say avfew things:
I love that I have so many people I follow here who take stances for the poor, marginalized, POC, and other underrepresented communities-not just in a perfunctory way of saying 'I support you'; but quite a few of you are actually involved in helping bring about change and strengthening communities by being unselfish hands that help heal hearts- you inspire me to be a better person, really. As a person of faith, I see you doing the work that many faith leaders of old spoke of when they talked of when they said, "serve as you have been served, and love as you have been loved"- and seeing that faith in action, it has made me read more about liberation theology and revisit the works of the Rt Rev Bishop Desmond Tutu, Dietrich Bonhoffer, and Dr Martin Luther King jr(and of the later, 'Why I oppose the war in Vietnam' is just as relevant now as it was then). I thank you all for this inspiration and work.
But what I have really come to realize about myself is that I am a person of privilege. I am a white CISmale, straight, accessed a good education at a young age, had a huge extended family that helped raise me when my mom had me at 17, have never had to worry about my gender causing me to be looked at differently, have a good job(for now), have access to clean water, don't live in a food desert, and save for the fact that I understood discrimination at a very young age thanks to my last name, I know that I have lived a mostly privileged life.
But there is one privilege I will never take for granted, and that's voting. And yes, I don't always vote my conscience because at heart, I am a democratic Socialist. But I always vote in my local and state house election because it is in places like your local school board or your city council where you can stop the spread of groups like 'Moms for Liberty' or any of the other neo-fascist organizations that seek to change education or change for the worse how cities deal with their population experiencing homelessness. If I stay home from these elections, I feel like I'm spitting on my great grandmother's grave(whose name I found on the voting roll of the first year that women could vote in Basin, Montana). I feel like I'm not being a good parent or a community member for sticking up for my sons right(or other kids rights) to read books in the school library that have a rainbow(let alone letting kids see representation for non-traditional families that are just the same as everybody else!). So please, if you're feeling crappy about the election, this right here is the biggest way to affect change if you don't know where to start or affirm.there is something you can do to really make a difference. Don't see enough representation of POC on your city council, especially in multi-ethnic communities? Hear a trans voice that would make for a great representative for all people? Fill in those boxes, act locally, and get those folks elected! It works if you work it!
I hear a lot of voices talking about Joe Biden these days, and I feel numb and angry about a lot of things that have been done in our names too: I hate HATE what is happening in Gaza(PBUT); I hate our support of Saudi Arabia and the proxy war in Yemen; Our jaunts in Zaire and Jordan; I hate that we are no closer to universal Healthcare, but I understand that that road and others lead through a Republican congress. I love that child poverty is declining, but programmes that were designed to make this a reality are sunsetting. We have a barbaric and truly archaic policy on immigration, and every time(that's not hyperbole, either), every goddamn time a good bill has been proposed to deal with the issue, the bill has been met by the xenophobic forces on the right and their deep pockets fueling the media and it is destroyed out of fear. And let's not forget student debt forgiveness, the continued dismantling of public education by states like Texas and Florida, Our goal of dismantling of the prison industrial complex, the protection of reproductive healthcare, and the dire need for nationwide police reform.
Yes, our laundry list is long, but it is full of necessary things that need to change or be codified in order for a great change to happen for generations and the continuatonof this great experiment called the U.S.A.
And for all of this and more, I ask: where are the leaders of our generation on this? Where are the ghosts of John Lewis, of Paul Wellstone, and of Shirley Chisholm? Thankfully, our leaders and the ghostsbof their forebearers are there- they are doing their best, and thankfully we(those of us on the progressive side) are represented by POC women who will go to the mat for these issues and more, being inspired by those who came before them. But the more that I think about it, it's time that we offer an ultimatum: we'll give you our voting block, Joe. We'll help bring along the majority of the 9 million new voters who are coming of age this year, so you will have a supermajority with which you can put forth truly transformative legislation. Sure, you'll get us- for now. But if it's businesses as usual, if we are not knocking over the tables of the money changers, and if we are not investing more in programmes of social uplift than we are for the military industrial complex, then we strike. Not in 2028, as one of my absolute favourite people on here suggest, but in 2026, in early summer. Because it is people like me, those of us who have know privilege and continue to know it, who are finally waking up to the truth that we need to do the work. We need to do the heavy lifting. I'm willing to make that offer, and I hope I'm not alone, because there either needs to be a change in the way our political system operates, or we walk away and start our own political entity. I hope I'm not alone in the way I feel, and I hope that we can all make the proposition. We have the leaders, we have the people, now it's about courage. It's time.
But for today, if you can pull the lever for democrats nationally, I totally get it. But consider what I said about voting locally, and in local races and elect people who represent your values. It matters.
- ok, rant over: if you made it this far, know that I love you all and I hope this week brings good things for you. Remember what Pete Seeger always said: "Take it easy, but take it". Much love yall!
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Maybe this is silly but it's kinda been hitting me trying to date again on the arospec that I. Hate going on the first date or two and knowing so much that they like me way more than I like them. That I'll explain what I do not like in a relationship, and they'll say they don't mind, but I know deep down they're gonna say that so I don't leave but they really do hope they can change my mind or they're gonna be the magic someone that I Do enjoy kissing and full blown snuggling with. I do enjoy a few aspects of "romance", however a lot of the traditional appeal (kissing, cuddling, etc.) Is... very much lost on me. I don't even mind small kisses in passing, but making out is a fucking nightmare that everyone but a handful of people like me seem to think is the holy grail of life. It just sucks, I don't get it at all. I only recently came to terms with being on the aro spectrum. Does anyone have any advice for this kind of thing? Or tbh, AITA for trying to date when i know there's a solid chance I may be setting someone up for heartbreak?
Im sorry is this is a lot, just sort of confused and concerned, yknow?
You're not the asshole, you're being clear and honest about what you're looking for and the people you've tried to date aren't listening. There's this pervasive messaging in a lot of fictional romance story-lines that if a person is non-normative in some way they're actually not and just need to meet the Right Person TM*. (very often being ace or aro spectrum ways, but you also see it with other kinds of unconventional relationships, polyamory, not wanting kids, a woman who wants to focus on her career, etc, etc.), and some people seem to really internalize this messaging.
Not everyone is like that, and a lot of people will take you at your word when you explain what you're actually interested in/looking for or not, but it can be demoralizing when you run into this multiple times in a row.
My advice would be to do your best to be clear, and be firm, and hope you're getting through to the other person. Don't feel like you're nagging if you have to have this conversation more than once, some people need a bit of time for this kind of thing to sink in.
One thing you might want to consider or look into is QPRs (also called queerplatonic relationships, quirkyplatonic relationships or quasiplatonic relationships), a QPR can be any relationship that doesn't fit into a typical friendship or romance, (so a relationship with some romance, but not a full romantic relationship could be classified as a QPR), and QPRs are all about tailoring the relationship to the people in them, so you can pick and choose what you want to do or not do. People you're interested in having a relationship with may have an easier time getting their head around the idea of a relationship where you're interested in some things but not other things when framed this way.
I'll throw this out to followers too, has anyone else dealt with similar issues who have their own advice or experiences they want to share? Please do!
All the best and good luck, Anon!
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referencing the last reblog so i don’t end up writing a mcfreakin novel in the poor person’s notes:
because god it really sucks holding it all in. my therapist is cool but it’s hard to explain some of these things that bother me to someone who isn’t as “online.” so i resort to posting about the things on my tumblr because it’s the closest i can get to talking about things to someone else without feeling as much of the guilt. idk my mind is an anomaly. speaking of guilt im putting a “read more” here now because this dumb thing’s getting long and now im thinking about the things that have bothered me that idk if i handled right and i don’t want to subject others to seeing it if they don’t want to.
ALSO i think im going to tag my random posts that i make when im having sad bad brain times with “trash rants” so please feel free to block that tag as needed!
the following is essentially about being in a discord server that had both minors (15+) and adults in it and the complications i had in that environment.
one thing that happened a while ago involved a situation within a fandom discord server that idk how tf to even explain the situation to a professional without feeling like an idiot. an adult artist had a character that other people in the server liked. one time that person posted something they drew of that character topless with a message about how boobs shouldn’t be sexual which is absolutely right. but then the others + the artist started making comments about the character’s boobs that i became very confused with how to interpret. my brain was like “are the intent of these comments to be suggestive/sexual in nature or am i being an ignorant asshole for interpreting them as such and it’s because i’m being the problem and seeing boobs themselves as a sexual?” it was even more complicated because the people involved in making these comments were underage. it got even even more complicated because then some of these underage people started drawing the character topless with more comments that i didn’t know how to interpret. one of these people at some point told the original artist that they would privately dm them the more nsfw drawings they were doing. and everyone seemed to be having a good time going “BOOBS 👀👀” and all that and the channel was going crazy. but i was getting so uncomfortable and confused. and i felt like such an asshole. because i like boobs too and society shouldn’t see them as something inherently sexual. but the underage folk being involved made it so complicated for my brain. because if some random person not involved with the server looked in on what was happening, couldn’t it be seen as minors making and sending an adult nsfw art? even though it was very likely NOT the intention of the original artist.
what i ended up doing was bringing my concerns to the server owner, which was responded well to. a rule was put in place about sharing nsfw stuff. but i felt so guilty about it. i felt like i was being a party pooper and ruining people’s fun. i still wasn’t sure if i was even doing the right thing and if it was a problem within me and not with what happened. i was born into a conservative religious background so it was only when i became more independent and was allowed access to the internet that i got to start to unlearn the bad things that were taught to me. that background is something i’m trying so hard to separate myself from, but it’s something that i’m afraid will haunt me. was what happened in the server not actually a problem, and it was because my brain wants to do the bad society thing and interpret boobs as sexual? did i ruin everyone’s fun because i’m just an ignorant asshole who got uncomfy at something i shouldn’t be getting uncomfy about? i still don’t know. anyway, i ended up leaving the server because i just couldn’t enjoy it anymore. once in a while that original artist’s stuff pops up naturally in my feed because we’re still in the same fandom, but i can’t even look at their art or even their name without feeling all the confusion and guilt again. which i feel terrible about because they seemed like a really nice person and they’re a great artist! and i really don’t think they had any bad intentions at all when that situation in the server happened. but i just can’t do it.
that situation was the first moment i truly realized just how scary it is and careful you have to be when you’re in an online environment where adults and minors can freely interact. it’s easy to forget ages when you’re just a profile picture, and how easy it can be to influence someone young, and how dangerous that is, whether your intentions are good or not. it made me realize that i don’t want to be in that type of server where you’re directly interacting with underage people. because i’m a fucking mess and i don’t know what the hell i’m doing 90% of the time. i don’t want to somehow mess up a kid! even if it’s an accident i didn’t want to risk having that accident happen in the first place. it’s one of the reasons why i can’t bring myself to ever draw and post nsfw art anywhere either. i just feel so uncomfortable about it. to me it’s fine if others do it if they’re doing it in a safe way with the necessary precautions, and they shouldn’t feel shame in it! it’s just not something i feel comfortable doing myself.
jfc im so sorry if anyone actually read this far. this whole thing is so stupid. i wish i didnt let it bother me for so long. there are a lot of stupid things that my brain wastes time worrying about. maybe writing all this down will help me explain it to someone on the “outside” who can tell me how to stop it. i don’t know.
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iris-is-silly · 4 months
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To be honest I’ll never actually post anything besides this on here and it will probably be a depressing post.
I hate my life. I’m losing a good reason to wake up every time I get up. It’s to the point where waking up and staying awake is a chore and would just love to bedrot. I’ve written suicide notes on suicide notes and I’ve written one for everyone. I’ve even written a poem and some stories.
I love my friends and my cats but thats all anymore. Even then I still struggle with my friends. I hate talking or trying to start a conversation now and most of my messages feel like they are hitting brick walls.
I hate my body. God is my body disgusting. I feel like throwing up looking in the mirror. I can’t go anywhere without covering up my body. If I’m seen without a hoodie I scurry like a rat till I feel safe.
I hate the stress. I’ve been degraded my whole life. Whether it be in elementary for doing nothing and being the odd one out for being neuro-divergent, To being bullied and degraded by my own mom and dad. Im able to drive and the elementary high school bullying went to being attacked, SA’d, talked about everywhere and being hate crimed. All of these things because what.? Im different from you all.? That justifies your need to attack me and shit talk every one of my uncontrollable insecurities day by day.? Well guess what assholes you are winning.
I hate living. I’ve never had a break. No matter how hard I work. No matter how hard I try. No matter what every single break ends up being dragged into a worse and worse event. “Let’s go to the amusement park” Friend attempts suicide. “Let’s go to vegas get a break take out some anger.” Dog dies. “Im gonna go camping and unplug for a while.” Come back and boom I’m removed from their life and I’m the bad guy for wanting a break from life.
I struggle to stay happy. I miss being a kid. Clueless to the horrors of what was to come. Unable to understand why the kids would laugh or point at me. Blind to the hate. I miss the days where I could look around and take a deep breath and enjoy it.
I’ve lost hope. No coping methods work anymore. I sit on my blood stained mattress wondering why I just add to the stains without finishing the job. I try to find the good in the world or the stuff to make me happy but all I find is a fistful of cats and friends. Nothing makes my happy anymore.
My own family lets it happen. I love being in able to work because of how hard it is to focus. Everyone says “Take your meds” “If you just took your pills” “You wouldn’t fail if you were medicated.” Well guess what? I have been taking them. You pay no notice because you all spend that time berating me. Shoving more pills down my throat for what? A reason to blame me for your anger?
So I’ll leave this earth. No one who is part of my blood ever acts like they care anymore. I wake up to hear “Your rude asshole” For making breakfast and apologizing. I get beat for cooking my dad and brother a steak I saved up for so they can be happy. I get publicly shamed because I was sick and refused to eat. I am the bad guy in every situation and when Im not, Im attacked, Degraded, Left to rot.
If you want me to take them, I’ll take them all. I wish crying myself to sleep at night at-least was a good enough cry for help. Its not. They slow painful feel as my body aches dragging my almost dead limp appendages across the floor to rest just to be called to do more work. They hear me cry. They see how much pain I’m in. They know my condition.
Maybe this is a cry for help. On a day where maybe I’m not always thinking about killing myself something changes that. I wish just once that I may be free from this cycle of constant negativity, But it will always go un-answered.
When I’m gone and days quieter look for me in the fields. I will be sitting besides you although you may not know I’ll be there holding your hand.
Im sorry for wasting your time. You may hate me and this stupid rant. But its no different you just join the common mass. I left a-lot of details out to protect and so my classmates or friends don’t report me to the school. If you know me and you see this. Keep quiet.
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crabussy · 7 months
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sorry about that weird stupid awful asshole loser anon you are awesome forever nd ever and they cannot handle your creature like swag and whimsy .. in all seriousness theyre just being a dick. it doesnt reflect on you as much as it does on them especially if they dont even have the guts 2 say it off anon. i'm sorry they were so awful 2 u because you definitely dont deserve it and you have been forever compassionate to me and everyone else and a friend of mine along w i myself would've been so lost without your previous advice u gave 2 me on systems and all that. it genuinely means a lot to me how much you've helped me in the past ! and i love your art whenever i see it on my feed or in a discord server ! i know you've probably left front by this point but i wanted to leave this message nonetheless because it seems to be thing appreciation hour (as it should be) and i wanted to leave my two cents. other people have said this but i want to repeat because its true : i hope you feel better soon and please remember to take care because you deserve to feel good (++ im ripping that anons head off with my big scary sharp teeth and sending my big army of ghosts after them. everybody whos mean 2 you is banished to the awful and messed up haunted house that eats people forever. btw)
THIS MEANS SO SO MUCH TO ME I WISH I COULD EXPRESS IT THROUGH WORDS !!! AHHHHHH!! <3333 also unfortunately I'm still in front because my brain isn't friends with me )): I am TRYING ! to GET OUT !!!
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this is untagged sorry
The hardest thing for me to grapple with post emotional abuse is coming to terms with how much of it was likely done on purpose, the fact that it WAS actually abuse, and how much it is affecting me years later cause ive never properly addressed it w/ real guidance.
I dont even know how to explain that it’s not even just a matter of like. oh i’m mad/sad this person treated me like shit it’s more like the way I was treated seeps into how I interact with people to this day! but if I like . talk about it i may have to deal w/ assholes who think i couldn’t get over a high school ex or something. god forbid they live through someone completely eroding their sense of self. I can’t even explain how that feels, but it made me suicidal. It felt like I’d only stop feeling like I belonged to her (not with her, TO her) if I were dead. (thankfully it went away). it’s not even about Her as a modern day person, but the construct of her that exists in the past. I never have nightmares where she looks how she actually looks nowadays, it’s only ever how she looked as a teen. When I get triggered because there’s someone who looks like her, it’s the same way. It’s the past version of her that haunts me.
Not to mention how warped my view of sexuality got. I became too eager to sexually please people, im lucky that im in a healthy relationship where im not exploited anymore. I started off associating affection heavily with performing sexual acts… My body doesn’t react to stimulus that used to turn me on. I have a time limit during sex until I’m just not able to continue, regardless of what happened. Idk if it was dysphoria before top surgery but anything involving my chest would make me tear up because of what she did to me. I bend down and pick things up in such a specific way because of how she used to see me as a sex object. She didn’t respect my dysphoria. She touched my chest through my binder or would stick her hands under it, because her pleasure was more important than my comfort.
I put up such a facade of stoicism and strength after breaking up with her because any hint of vulnerability with her had me treated as an inconvenience. I was such a confident and self assured person before I dated her, a defense mechanism for how much I was outcasted by others sure, but I didn’t let people try to get me down. But I slowly let her sand the edges off of me because I felt I would lose her if I didn’t. I was someone who wasn’t afraid of telling people when something was wrong or when I was bothered, but with her I accepted it. I felt resigned to it. She’d lash me into submission.
I always thought maybe she was like that cause she was just an emotionally immature teenager who didn’t know better. But I don’t think so anymore. She admitted to me that she was being demanding and cruel (“pestering”) because she wanted sexual pleasure from me but was so mad that I didn’t have time to invite her over. She lied to my face about respecting whatever decision I made irt leaving her out of my life or letting her back in… Only to guilt trip and try to manipulate me into letting her back in, not taking no for an answer until I told her to back off and blocked her. Most people with shit exes just complain about how much they sucked. I saw her when she was working once years later, froze in a panic, and ran away out of desperation. Her sending me a message to reconnect with me after we broke up while I was working through trauma sent a chill up my spine. that’s not normal.
I won’t ever know her train of thought when we dated. and she would never give me an honest account of that. she may not have calculatedly went “i’ll act like this to make them do that” but she expressed her feelings with the expectation that I’d change my behavior to please her, then lashed out when it didn’t work. I thought she just didn’t want us to argue when we disagreed with something… but getting your partner to shut up about a topic you disagree with them on, then essentially saying fuck you to them when they bring it up again later is… Bad. and I really do mean Shut Up. She’d tell me to drop a conversation at any sign of a disagreement, and I thought this was reasonable because we agreed we wouldn’t talk about religion (she was a christian at the time, i was an atheist and still am one) but it didn’t stop at that.
I have a difficult time processing all of it. I still have a hard time believing she acted the way she did as a conscious choice, especially because of our ages at the time (14-16). I don’t even really know what a reasonable expectation would be for someone to act at that age, because I don’t even remember what it was like. genuinely. When I look back at it all, it feels like there were a few years where someone else was in my body instead of me. I don’t quite remember my thought processes. I remember how I felt, I just don’t feel like my decisions were my own. Just a poor child who I watched go through all of that.
This way longer than I thought it was going to be and I don’t even feel like I scratched the surface of how I’m feeling right now. I just feel damaged and it has nothing to do with her, who she is as a person, right now and more to do with the fact that I feel like a plate that was thrown at a wall, shattered, and somewhat glued back together. I have cracks all over me and it’d be ridiculous to act like I don’t. I’m not a “broken” person per say but I’ve been changed
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dysphoria-things · 9 months
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What are the themes of pretty girls ?
OK IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED!
in the live version that was released on the live album, laura says, “so this is a kind of older song, and its a song when i wrote at the time, i wasnt being direct with what i was actually talking about, so i’ve since gone back and kinda rewritten a little bit of the words.” if you listen to the song, only one lyric changes- ‘you wouldn’t think irresponsibility gender identity would complicate something like asking for some company”. so the song is meant to be interpreted through a transgender lense.
she actually goes on to tell us what it’s about- “but this song is just… it’s about wanting to be in someone’s company, who you kinda got a crush on, or you like, or whatever… and you just wanna hang out! and feeling like if that person knew who you actually were, they wouldnt accept you, or like you, so… this song’s called pretty girls.” she kinda states exactly what the song means, but i think analyzing the lyrics is much more fun.
“what are you gonna say when she picks up the phone?
should you leave a message if she’s not at home?
i wanted to know if you’d like to see a movie or get a drink
it’d be pretty fucking cool to be in your company”
that first bit, i think, is just normal crush-y feelings- awkwardness about what you do and say, loving spending time with them, not sure how to act…
“if she says yes knowing what my intentions might be
one thing leads to another, there’s some chemistry
you cannot lie, you have to tell the truth
this shit could never be”
then we get to the feeling of ‘crap, i have these urges(crossdressing) and feelings of being the opposite gender and there’s the question of how this impacts your dating life while closeted. the last line reveals the self fulfilling prophecy.
“cause there are things that cannot be undone
there are mistakes that can never be forgiven
sometimes at night i pray to wake a different person in a different place”
the fact that she sees being trans as something that needs to be forgiven and things she wishes she could change tells us she’s thinking about how she wishes she was someone else so that this shit wouldnt impact her relationships.
“Sometimes at night
I pray to wake 
A different person 
In a different place”
this has nothing to do with a crush, it’s just ‘i wish i could be literally anyone else, being me is unbearable’. the lyrics speak for themselves really.
“maybe we can just be friends
im being a bit presumptuous
the stomach turns, the mind starts to race
i do that thing where i nervously start to exaggerate”
these are just normal crush feelings that then transition into-
“oh, i just wanna be young and i wanna live
i wanna be healthy, i don’t want this fucking problem
you wouldn’t think something like gender identity would complicate something as simple as asking for some company”
then we see exactly how these things interfere with the crush itself- the phrase thats like no one can love you until you love yourself. hiding this or even being dysphoric in general can destroy your relationships.
“there are things you must accept as said and done
there are truths you must learn to confront
you can pray all night and day, but you’ll always wake the same person in the same shitty fucking place”
she’s never in the moment, she’s always wishing she was someone else or anywhere else and despairing because she doesnt think its possible. she feels like she has to be a man, that she’s doomed to be like this. confronting that she’s ‘really a man’ is both what she feels like she needs to so in order to have healthy relationships but also what’s dooming them to begin with.
“oh, drunk mouth ruined it again
sometimes i say the dumbest things
oh, but it’s not you specifically, it could be anybody
i’d gone and built this up in my head
and it was already over, it’s already over before it started”
usually she feels like due to the dysphoria, she becomes an asshole and this destroys the relationship- she refers to herself as an asshole a lot in her journals. she feels incapable of having any good relationships due to being trans and knowing that from the beginning destroys things. it’s a self fulfilling prophecy.
idk as a trans person this song resonates with me a lot and it’s something ive noticed, that a lot of the time our dysphoria affects our ability to form and keep(romantic or platonic) relationships. and this song put it into words really well. (the lyrics are take from this video since it’s kind of hard to find them online where they’re accurate so i just transcribed a live video)
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roseyroseymae · 1 year
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haha, so much for "I won't reply to this ask, it's too volatile". Whatever you believe in, you still have to make up for moral codes, those you imply to follow by playing the cute girl. But nope, you just solve your problems by blocking people away, and if they are the ones leaving you, "oh woe is me", right? So I'm not telling you who I am. I rather stay among your followers and spread what a terrible person you are. So, good luck with that desperate search of new friends.
Oh hi! Welcome back! I was wondering if you'd see my message from (what was it now?) THE BEGINNING OF THE MONTH? Honestly, if you wanted to actually hurt me more efficiently, you could have replied immediately. You're like a solid few weeks behind fam. 🤦🏻‍♀️
Anyway if you're determined to hate follow me, then you should know by now thst I'm not "playing the cute girl" lol. I AM the cute girl!
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And there really isn't anything you can say or do to hurt me on that front. My sense of self was solidified ages ago and I lean into the aesthetic as hard as a brick wall.
Also what's this talk of moral codes? You mean, just trying to treat everyone with respect and decency and love? Trying to make sure i don't end up being an asshole on purpose? Unless someone is out there trying to actively hurt anyone else, I'd rather wish you're living your best life full of hope and happiness.
Anyway, I'm glad to see you're still alive and well. I've been thinking lately how even though we don't get along now, at some point we might have been really good friends. And I'm sorry my happiness is taking up your worries rent free. You don't deserve to let my sparkles of joy to decorate your brain unnecessarily. Maybe you should just leave? For your own sake if what I'm doing hurts you so much?
Also who cares about whether or not I'm a good person, a bad person or somewhere in between! I just want to see others happy. That's the only impact i want to make on the world. Bring smiles to my friends' faces.
Speaking of, i don't have to desperately search for new friends either. I've collected many wonderful, creative individuals over the years both on here and in real life. I'm never truly alone. I have my friends like Sage, Katrina, Jenn, Eli, old friends like Missy and Kristin, Alejandro, Nima and more! Omg and let's not forget my old fanpop crew from over a decade ago that crawled out of the wood works to start a group chat on messenger a few weeks ago. Reconnecting with those fabulous folks to talk about our cats and nerdy shit has been the best gift this holiday season. No matter what, no matter where I am, I'm surrounded by loved ones who love to see me grow just as much as I do them in return ❤️❤️ and when i told them i was going through heartbreak, the overwhelming amounts of love shown my way was truly humbling to say the least.
Thanks everyone! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Btw, Im not tagging anyone because i don't want to send hate their way because i love everyone far too much for you to chase anyone else down out of jealousy or something. You're doing you right now and that's absolutely fine. I don't care. It's not like your actions have any real impact on the real world when you're hiding behind Anon Hate Messages anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️ the only way for you to actually cause me harm is to come off anon and tell me in the DMs to my face why I've become such a terrible person i am. Or try to cancel me publicly. But like i think either scenario is impossible at this time.
Wow! I never knew how therapeutic it was to respond to these. You should charge $70 per writing prompt btw. Monetize that shit ya know? Anyway, tomorrow is my husband's birthday. I'm choosing to celebrate that over any religious holiday. We are gonna live our happiest weekend out of the year with cuddles and cats. Happy Holidays to you, Fam. :) i hope the end of 2022 brings you happiness and comfort despite my wholesome, happy and fulfilling life beyond you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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