#im just so frustrated. i want a stable set of meds & i want a concrete diagnosis

[ritualofthehabit]

I’ve decided that I’m getting off psych meds soon. This is a lil terrifying given that I have the scary psychosis type of mental illness and not like uwu anxiety or whatever but I can’t do it anymore! With meds I mean. My “stable” antipsychotic that I’ve been taking for about three years turned on me recently - side effects of dizziness and fainting and unshakeable suicidal thoughts - I had to get three stitches after fainting and hitting concrete - and I’m sick of going thru so much effort to try and keep my meds stable while on poor people state insurance that fucks me and doesn’t always provide. I’ve involuntarily and unexpectedly been off my meds like…. Almost 10 times in the last couple years which is always Terrible emotionally and often leads to physical withdrawals - the other night I woke up and vomited profusely - and I’m sick of it. Yes the meds help but if I crash and burn just as frequently as I would not taking them then why am I doing this? Why am I constantly arguing with MediCal and my pharmacy? Why am I jumping through endless hoops and still with less support than I need? today I start back on a quarter dose of my antipsychotic and I told my psych that if I experience side effects I’m not going to try anything else. I also told her that even if it does work, I’m frustrated and tired of being on medication tbh and want to get off gradually. im not a firm believer in modern psychiatry tbh. I’m on fairly neutral ground bc I’ve had meds help me a lot and therapy help me a lot. But I don’t resonate with diagnoses and treatment very much, this “you’ll always be ill and you’ll always take a pill” vibe. I don’t go to therapy anymore bc I’m a “difficult client” for setting boundaries with complete strangers (pro tip: therapists don’t like that! They don’t like to be reminded that their professional experience doesn’t mean JACk to you and that you don’t have a relationship at all) and I HATE DBT/cognitive ball torture etc I think it’s wack.

also ngl the person who convinced me most that I was “crazy” and like. Needed to be fixed or something was my ex and they were firmly interested in controlling my life. They literally tried to convince me to go to the psych ward n shit… NEVeR. Btw that person is studying to be a therapist 😂🔪