#im gonna read them anywYs

[plague-of-insomnia]

Man it reminds me of this meme

Like idk, im a younger millennial, and it was still very normal for our parents to beat us. So normal in fact, that it was expected (what do you MEAN you dont beat the shit out of your kid for misbehaving!?)

If taboo stuff was normalized... We wouldn't call it taboo.

If somebody wrote a shota x adult, it wouldn't have underage, or the tags, it would just be whatever gender pairing like m/m. there would be no acknowledgement whatsoever, or anywhere near the tags. It would just be a thing in society "so whens your boyfriend getting outta grade school" with the same dival of "so hows the weather"

But no, anti's wanna act like warnings are condonement for the material. Instead of like, warnings.

We dont put hairspray in the oven because it has "WARNING" talking about not to do that, and go obviously these people condone putting hairspray in the oven. (Or try to pass off responsibility like No The hairspray company is the reason my house exploded despite the clear warnings! I just didnt listen!)

Im ranting in here but seriously- anywy-

Hi eyeböll 🥺💕

Nope you’re absolutely right and I’ve seen others make the same point.

When someone tags their story with warning tags, that means they’re aware that the content is “bad.” In a sense it’s like how it used to be “warning, this fic has slash” bc that was considered by many to still be “wrong” or “gross” or even enough to get a fic nuked.

If someone thinks underage is 100% fine and normal and acceptable IRL, then why bother with a warning for it? Granted, sometimes I’ll add warnings when I personally don’t feel they’re necessary, but I like to err on the side of caution.

But yeah, antis like to argue that violence and murder is OK in fiction bc “everyone knows that’s wrong/bad” but underage or adult/minor (even aged up) isn’t bc not everyone knows pedophilia is wrong. (I have seen this exact argument, almost verbatim.)

But the thing is, most people agree that actual pedophilic behavior and (sexual) abuse of children is wrong. Yet you still see plenty of people commit murder or physically assault people IRL, and you still have a segment of parents and educators who believe in “spare the rod, spoil the child” to this day. (Yeah my parents hit us too, though I’m older.)

Antis arguments have more holes than Swiss cheese, and that’s partly bc they don’t know the meaning of the words they use (like “normalization” or “pedophilia”) and bc their whole movement is actually based on confounding disgust with morality rather than an actual logical argument.

They don’t like something, it makes them personally uncomfortable, and instead of avoiding that content, they just wanna remove all harm. And ofc that only applies to sexual content, because antis are hypocrites who don’t realize they’re parroting far right, extremist religious crap rather than being the “progressives” they believe to be.

It’s also ridiculous because a fan fic with a few thousand hits is not gonna normalize shit. If fiction affected reality so directly and extremely as antis claim, then half the world would be fucking their sisters after the popularity of Game of Thrones. But ofc they don’t attack HBO bc they have lawyers and such to shut anyone down, but some lone fan fic writer is an easy target.

(Not to mention if someone is sooo impressionable that reading one fan fic is gonna convince them of x being acceptable and OK, the problem is with THEM and not the fan fic. Because no matter what antis say, unless you’re like… 5 years old, you should have the maturity level to deduce that fiction is not something you should be taking life lessons from directly.)

Antis are bullies, plain and simple, who want control, and are too dense to realize the consequences of their behavior.

<3

#poi answers #kawaii pigeon #discourse #I’ve probably rambled here too #think I’ll turn off rbs for this bc I don’t have the energy for bs about it #but I stand by what I said here #anti censorship #anti bullying

[wildfane]

me wanting the next arc to go hand in hand with TBC because i’m worried not everything will be tied together in a satisfying way in the end VS. me being worried because 6 more books with this conflict is just way too many books: fight

#a.txt #i dont even care. if it sucks it sucks #im gonna read them anywYs #my new motto with warriors is ‘as long as it’s not boring i’m happy’ #i think 6 books in one arc is too many for specific conflicts and i think the team should be allowed to cut it in half #there are ways for another arc with this conflict to work but do we trust the team? probably not

[stuckyeatscake]

i was going through my notes and like ???? how horny was i when i wrote some of those??

#like i dont remember writing those #but pure horniness #no frr like what was going through my head??? at least i had the decency to lock some of them #one of them just says beta matsun and omega makki put matsun gets pegged??!! #like nice but why??? why did i feel to write that in my notes?? #i understand i shifted my sleep schudle but dang im writing this shit at 7am😭😭😭 #anywys im gonna lock all my notes now because it would be so embarrassing for someone to read that #my thoughts

[nicosbrainrot]

hello everyone, I hope you're all having a wonderful sunday or saturday night, I've decided to post this early because I won't be online tomorrow sadly but wanted to gift you all something horrible, I am so sorry (not sorry) @korissideblog for doing this to your beloved child but here it is, the worst thing I've ever made, with my brother's help, I hope it gives you all a headache to read because it certainly gave me one writing it

Chspter 1

My nam is Nico Xavier Nightwing and aim the hotest mutherfecker at UA high skool for pro heros. i’m average hight 4 someon my age ad NOT short at all, my hair is jet blak nd i have brite blu eyes. i dress supr emo in all blak an have chains on my belt like the eboyz on tictoc. My quirk is death vision, i can kill anyonebjust by lookimg at dem and i wuz bulied in skool for being 2 overpwoered wich mad me depress and a bit of a loner. eberyone things im a vilain but i wuznt gonna let those stupid middle skoll idiots be my villain origin story, if im gona have a villain origin story it's gonna be in hogh skool like a REAL man.

im not a villain tho i'm just a kool kid loner who lookz really cool and intidimidating so every1 thiks im mean buy im really not

its my first year at UA and i got acxepted eith a perfec score in the written exam as well as a prefect score on the praticap exam wich dey didnt even think wuz posible. i took out every single robot (cuz my death glare also works on robotz) and there were none left forbany of da other test takers so they all had to retake it cuz i wuz jus to crazy powerful and they put me in da super elite hero course that involves goin to the different classes to learn a little bit of everythung cuz i already no how to be a super powerful hero i just need to learn some of the super pecific stuf.

Today wuz my 2nd day and i had already mad a bit of a repitation for myself bi beating up one of the third yrs named bakugan or smthn and also being that person who got a perfect score cuz everyome's hurd about that of corse. Every1 in the hallz is scarred of me even tho im not a mean person, the third year wuz jist being an asshole and bullying some kid so i had to step im and be a hero and beat the daylite out of him. Dats what heroz do rite??

Sooo anywys i wuz wlaking down da hallz to my bext class wich wuz taut by soem teacher namesd Sato who seemed like a real mean teacher so wen i walkedbin he glared at me all mean. i took a seet at the back of the class cuz im emo and emo kidz sit in the back of the clas. The teacher walked over to me and asked me if i did my homwork

"No i didnt feel like it" i growled at him.

"U didnt feel lyke it? Ur just stupid prbobly and cant do it" he said meanly.

i stoof up out of my chair in angger and glared at him, i wuz really tempted to use my death glare but i new i would get in trouble and also i didnt want to get labeled a villaim, i already had a bad repotation at my old school from killing a kid and i didnt want that here to. i did beat him up tho and then the principle waloed im and wuz shoked nut he wuz so impressedbthat he had me teach the class how i did it so i taut for the rest od the day.

After class this cyute gurl walked up to me "Hey" he said, twiling his hair cutely "that wuz lyk reelly impressive n stuff" her nam wuz Aito

"yuh, i knoe, it wuz notihng, i said in a badass way"

he wuz soft like a babie, easy to beat up

"do you want to go on a daet" aito said cultley

tsk, this alwats happnes…. its so anoying havong girls contanty beg for me to go on dates woth them, but this girl wuz differnt, this girl wuz also a guy, amd and guys are bad ass, plus he wuz kind of hot

"sure wjatever sugertits,school cafetera, thurdday, bean burrito day, 12 o clock on the dot, don't be late" i siad hottley

"oh emm gee, ueas!!1!" aito shoutoes cutley

aito then skiipped away to call his mom

"omhmygod mamma! you will nevebr believie! i just got a date woth the cutest boy in the skhool!!1"

i tuen away from her ams walk away badass like woth a toothpock in my mouth like jobtoro koojoe from jojo bizzare adventure 

 Later that daly i wuz walking in the hals when i saw  a kid bullieing this girl so i beet his ass,

“Ahh~ th- thank you” siad the girl

She tried to walk away but she tripped on my foot, she stepped on my air Jordan 1s so i had to beat the shit out of her to

“All in a days work” i said as i walked away from her unconcius body

(And for thoes of you that thjnk that wuz evil, youl dont know what its liek to own air Jordan 1s)

kater that day i went to lucjh and got a bean burrtiuto and mlkilk,  from the cafetera lady, there wuz still a missing kid sgin on the back of the milk carton for the kid that i killed at my last school

"i guess they never found his body" i said to mynself" 

i sat down at the table waiting for aito to areive, i check my bromze playted 1892 pocket watch, 12:01, he wuz late, this is why i never show my true self to amyone, because they alsways end up not caring, i keep a mirror in my bakpack at all times in cas i lose control and nees to take myself outn wit my death glare, i reached into my backpack for it i wuz about to end it all, then aito walks into the cafetria, he looked so fine in his purple dress, i descretely put away my mirror.

“Hi~” aito cood at me.

“Ur late” i said,all emo like

“aw im sowwy, i had to git all prety for u” he sed wit a smile shwing her pointy teef.

and she wuz vry prety, i culd almos feel myself falling foir him. bht i wuznt abot to let mysekf be weak lyk that fur som boy.

she sat dpwn nect to me an brushded her hajr oht of her face, tryink to use his wuirk on me bjt my willpower wuz so stonf thayt i didnt even notics amd locked back don at my food

"hey! why arent u charmed?" she sajd totaly shocked

"what?" i asked cuz i handt noticed

"my quirk! u wernt charmed" she explaned to me

"oh, i gess thag just doesnt werk on me then" i sed casually

"wow, ive never met a kid who cud do that!" he looked at me wit his beutiful golden eyes

i wuz to stong for his quik to work on me but her goldn orbs wer so prety  i fekt a littlle chjarmed anyway

"u kno ur really intresetung and i lik interseting" she saif to me ask she rested he head on her hand "y do u want to be a hero?"

"i dont really" i told her depresingly "but i hav to prov to every1 thag im not a bad guy so being a hero os the only wag"

"thats reelly sad, i think beimg a hero wil be fun!" she smileds

he wuz so prety i just loked ag him as she ate her lench, her horns we small am poimty and his tial wuz long wit a litle heart at the end wich wuz cute an the dress wuz very prety on hum, he wuz the oretiest girl i had evr met

i tryd to stap ot of my thots by chuging the hole gallon of molk frm the carton andbit wofked cuz now all i cud think abot wuz the fact that im lac tose intodlerant an i gotbsick

aito notced that i lokked sick and asked if i wuz ohk "r u ok?"

"no, im dying from the milk" i sed depressed

"omg!!! why wud u do that!!1!!!??" he souted at me as he pulled me up n towads the nerses offece

we wer sitting in the nerses ofice wile she got medecen for me and i wached as aito kicked her legs back ad forth on da chair ciutely

"u kno ur pretty cute" i told him

"omg" he saud, blushing all her face and smilinh

then the nerse walkes in wit my midecane "here take yhis and no mor milk ok?" 

"yes mam" i said to the nerse politey bcuz she wuz won of da only adults i respected. she gook care of ne when my parents died from me usig my deth vision on then wen they took awy my xbox as a child mamking me ann orfan

me and atio walmed out if the offece and down da hallway. she casualy sliped her hand in2 mine an we held handz for da rest of da way yo class

when we gog 2 his classrom the bell rang but aito wuz abke to stay out in the hall wit me longr cuz the teacher sato wuz stil scred of me frkm beating hum up. i looked at hsr bautifil goldn eyes and smiled depresingly.

"i love u" i sed to him

"gasp, i lov u to!!" she seid very happy and huged me

i gave da teacher a men glare as i let her go into da classrom and waved goodby, her tail waged happliy begind her as she wakled.

i walled back down the hallway, i wuz actuallh hapy 4 onse, then i relized my poket wach wuz missinh. i went back to the clas and waited outside util the studens all left an saw aito at her desk.

"did u steel fron me?" i asked him, angry.

"yes" he said handing me te watch 

"why would u do dat?" i asked cknfused.

"cuz itz fun!!" shd shoated 

there wuz sokething wrong wit this girl, but i loved him. wd held hands ad walked out of da clasrom down da hallway. ther wuz a bulli that cam up to us and yelled at atio

"u stole my shit bitch!!" he yelled at her.

"dont fuckign cal her a bitch!!!" i screamed at him cuz i repsected women

i then beat the shit out of him angd piked aito up pricness atyle and caried him away out ofbthe school for lunch

"were do u want to go?" she asked.

"idk werever u want" i tolf him hotly

"ohh i kno were! theres this cut shop down the blok wit litle cakes!!" he said realy cheary "there so cute wit hearts on dem" he reallt liked hearts on stuff

"ok" i sed and we walked sown to da shop.

da cafe shop had dis realy cute  desine wita heart on da door an evrythin. we walked insid an the employe loked realy tierd. aito baugt a super pink heart covred sprinkle cipcake and i got da blak emo cupcak. we sat outsid undre an umnrela all romanctic and aito flaped his ears hapily as she ate her cupack. 

he wuz so cyute an prety it hurt my heart and i fdlt lke i wuz gona die. i had never ben jn lov b4, i wuz alws so alone an no on wanted to be my friwnd, but atio wuz diferent. she wuz werd an crazy and i lovd that. i ate mu cupkace sexuly and then we ealked back to the skool. we held hands al da way ther. 

"so wats ur family lik?" auto asked me

"i dont hav a family, i killed them wen i wuz litle" i told him depresingly

"oh woe, my dad left me wen i wuz lkttle" she told me

"so u have dady issues?" i aksed

"ye" he sed cutely

we walked togethr toword da skool but a vilain jumped in fromt of us. he puled out his klaws and smirksed at us. aito scremed and clung to me all scarred. i steped in frony of her to protec him from the villaim. He swipped at aito and i stepped in frony of it and got hit b4 blowing the ebil man up wit my death visian. he disintigrated and i fel to my nees in pain an aito sat next to me all woried.

"r u ok??" he asked me realy warried

"im fine" i chuckled, blood driping from my shirt.

"ur not fine! >:(" she shooted at me

he pulled me up and braut me back to da nerses ofic. da nurs wuznt ther so auto hads to fix mu wunds for me. she gently dabbed (lol) at mg slice wund as i winced in pan. 

"y did u do thay?" he asked me sadly

"do wot?" i looled at her confused

"get hurt 4 me" she sayd her voice craking a litlle

"cuz i luv u" i told him al emotionally

"i luv u 2!" she sed and kised me on the cheak

i didnt mind dat i wuz bleedimg cuz i jjst got a kis from aito so i wuz haply. i relizied dat i wuz in luv wit her. he looked at me wit his beutiful golden orbs an i couldnt liok away. aito takoa wuz da luv of my lyf.

we walkd out of da ofice togeder an went to lunch. aito went to his loker to git somthinf an i waited by da entrence for a wile ubtil i got impatent an ednt over to were her loker wuz. he was standing thefe wit som grey smoking kid namd jetsam ad talkimg to him hapily wich made me mad.

"why r u taking so lomg?" i askd her kind of upsetly

"i wuz just talkim go jatsim!" he said

"i dony want u talking 2 jatsam!" i shooted at her.

jetsom looked all scarred as i looked bat him ad growled. "dont talk yo her anymor ok??" i growld at him

"i can tak to who i want!!!" aito shooted at me

"no! only me!!!" i yelled ad used ny death glare of jitsam killimg hin instantly

"NOOOOOO!!!1!!11!!" atio scremed and ran away

"aito no come back!" i yeled at her as i ean after her

i tirned down da hall an saw aito at the entrance by the door all mad

"im srry i kiled jetsam." i sed to him

"its ok" he told me but stil looked sad

"i just got jelus" i sed depressedly

"wow relly?" she aksed me

"ye, i luv u an dont want any1 to tak u away from me" i confised to her.

"i didnt realize u felt that wae" he sed lookikg at me wit her shining goldn eyes

"do u feel da sam?" i asked her lookimg lyk a sad pupy in the rain

"i do" he tod me 

i puled her into a hug an we kised.

#welcome to the inner workings of my mind #kori you've been saying I'm unwell for quite a while & I'm starting to think you're right #also little cameo from jetsam <3 I'm so sorry I did that to him he didn't deserve it #I would like to thank ayume's mod for the inspiration for this knha my immortal truly pushed me past my breaking point /lh #I am wishing you all the most wonderful cursed sunday but please don't have too much fun without me #knha // kimi no hero academia #bnha oc comeback #aito takao // zugzwang #cursed knha sunday #aito simping <3

[theday]

tagged by @ikyh and @younghyuuns ill be doing both sets !! :D thank you both for tagging me!! this got long so yall dont hav 2 read <3

ru?? rushee’s set!! me: wow ru does not sound like rushee at all ? djsjdhhjd im dumb but i realize now

i. do u believe in astrology? whats ur sign and do u line up with the features usually attributed to it?

fucc... i guess i do ;-0...... and yeah i think?????? like they say capricorns are cold bitches and funny nd im like ya thats me... but they also say we’re hard workers and im like uh.. dont know abt that karen !

ii. what’s ur favorite pair of socks?

bbbbbbb..... socks huh...... i guess my ankle ones? there are also socks that have actual designs on them and those r usually thicker.. keep my feets safe! most of them have pkmn designs bc.. yeah... love the poke mans

iii. what’s a food that reminds you of a specific moment/memory?

i could think of anythiing and get reminded of one situation if that makes sense.. but i thought of pineapple..pizza... anyway the memory isnt anythngn special its just me staring at my delicious hawaiian pizza..... at my favourite pizza place.... love that shit

iv. what’s the longest you’ve gone without sleeping?

i dont have the actual hours but the latest ive stayed up.. like willingly would be until 2am

v. how has ur taste in music changed throughout ur life?

went from 1d to 5so/s + other bands to utaite.... they cover vocaloid songs ig i never kno how2 explain what utaites r then 2 kpop.. but i still listen 2 bands + kpop and utaites.... so nothing much has changed ive just gone broader.. wider... expanded my tastes... 

vi. who’s ur fashion icon?

oh definitely kim wonpil

vii. what’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done without realizing?

i breathe dumbass particles.. i cant think of one bc my brain probably blocked off all access to my horrifying past but ive been thinking abt how i used 2 send the boy i used 2 like 1d songs....................... 12 y/o old me rly thought. he’d listen.... 12 y/o me thought spamming him was a good idea glad ive learnt from that! 

viii. what’s something you want to brag about?

my grades but it didnt get me into psychology so nvm ! its still good though i didnt expect to get an A1 (hghest grade) for combined humanities since ive had a B my whole life without it i wouldnt be able to move on education wise lmao so thank god for that thanks cambridge thanks bell curve sunbaenim 

ix. when you imagine urself being happy in the future, where exactly are you (like the location!)?

oh definitely an apartment somewhere where its always windy and the curtains are always Moving and the sun just Shines in the room but its not that hot either its just full of warmth and yeah thats the dream maybe also walks in the park without having 2 worry abt sweating my pits out u kno! tldr anywhere but here

x. what’s something you’ve always wanted to own?

let me Think.... i dont need a lot/?? but id love hm.............. i want stability but realistically i want all the hh pcs from the code albums. 

xi. how’ve you been lately?

good good! i finished my *** fic and its. im proud of it though i know its not that good nd i can do better but its done ! and hm i could be going to see mx but asking my mum is stressing me out speaking of her she wont stop Coughing and she refuses to see the doctor ;-/ love those sleepless nights ! other than that i just want 2 get out and feel the sun ???/ wanna get out of this house yea but i need to be.. shady with my money i cant get a job because school is starting in a month and im going overseas again sometime next month so ! no ones gonna hire someone who can only work for 2 weeks at most dhzjhhs shouldve worked when i had the time dumbasses only

ok now falen

1. what’s been on your mind??

hm redacted feeling towards my mum but i cant say them bc itd be insensitive 

2. what are you looking forward to? 

mx? possibly but also finishing my enrolment papers

3. story time!: how and when did you get into day6!!!!!

fuck...... listen up LADS. 

ive told the same story like 10 times but im never gonna get tired of saying this shit bc i love miss boxy so much nd she deserves the appreciation anywy she introduced me 2 day6 after i saw this one (1) picture of brian in minion glasses and instantly i knew in that Fucking moment thatd id die for him. so i asked for the name of my murderer and was introduced to day6 whom frankly id never heard of b4 bdjhjh she sent me all their mvs and i still remember the night . i remember walking out of this japanese restaurant, twitter open, chat wiht boxy there and i was like.. interesting ill go listen when im home so i Did! and my mind was blown away bitch? i honest 2 god expected them to be a boy group,,, dancing and shit yknow? i didnt know k bands existed ! so as a previous 5/sos stan i was like wow. this??? this shit is 10/10 a fucking BANGER thats what i felt listening 2 i smile and just going :O over the fucking instruments so idk if how can i say was the last or second song but Damn. .. it made me scream thanks mister j** he rly dragged me by the collar of my shirt and threw me face first into Heaven so i watched everything i asked my friend for video recommendations and after boxy sent me a page with their face and names i was like this jae kid is 182 cm? wow gotta stan now im stupid and stupid for glasses and tall people so ! it happened bithc,, ugh i lov eday6 so much i remember binge watchng all their vlives after the july after party live (that being the first vlive i watched Ever in my entire life and i laghed so hard despite not understanding a damn thing) please id giv my heart and soul2 day6 im so happy with the way ive progressed as a myday :^( 

bonus when i first started stanning it was 26th june and shortly after i made a stan acc teasers were being dropped but i didnt kno why ppl were freaking out i remmeber seeing jae’s teaser nd going ? ok? its just a pic damn ;-/ and then eveeryone was like: dowoon! choker! me: wdhs? what

4. ????do you have any allergies????

did u think of jae and no i used to be allergic 2 dairy products but thats disappeared

5. a fond memory???

bowling with friends and im just a disaster of a friend im always so loud with them and i thank god everyday that they handle my energy ? i would cheer for them even if they got a gutter or whatever and when they got a strike id go clap like crazy i love my friends i also went i have the power of god and anime on my side before flinging the ball and theyd laugh despite not knowing what vine that was from i love my friends... psg if ur out there yall are the best x i miss hanigng out with them as a trio.. three of us :( 

6. do you paint your nails?? if so, what are your fave colors to use?? if not, why??  

thats so.. tiresome.......... dont u have 2 wait for it 2 dry and shit ? my mums always worried abt ruining the colour or some sht nd im like !!! okY!!!!!!! tldr its a pain in the ass

7. what are your favorite colors?? what are your fave colors to wear??

i like hte colour of the sky... all the colours........ yeah love that bithc and lately ive been wearing a lot of black shirts finally went out of my embarrassing colourful phase ! 

8. what languages would you like to learn?? for what reason(s)??

japanese nd korean jp because i listen to a lot of things in japanese and korean for the same reason but my priority would be jp even tho id love to communicate with my faves i just... yeah although im not exactly making an effort 2 learn bc im lazy but if i Could.... itd be those two

9. when you get stickers, do you use them or do you keep them??

DHDGFHDHDGDSJHJSJAKSSJHFHS THIS FEELS LIKE A CALL OUT???? i keep them......... 

10. are there any groups that you might get into/want to get into?

hm... well theres knk ive learnt their names and im finally able to put name 2 face so thats nice svt too if htey didnt have such large numbers... thats all for now i think?? i love evry girl group though i love gIRLS... 

11. how are you???

idk im constantly just fine?? not the im sad but im fine kind of fine im literally just neutral half the time wjhddshs wild 

both of your questions were really unique and i loved answering them thank you so much for tagging me and if youve read until the end thank you i hope you have a good day!

#tag games #moon texts #its with the s righthd hsjdhd

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

#rant time #bc i guess i need to vent out my feelings that are just annoyingly complex and i cant actually deal with them #aka i hate myself #but not like actively or aggressively #i prefer not think i exist but thats not even covered up above #just bullshit #dont read if youd like to keep your day being nice

[theday]

for the day6 asks: how can i say, i smile, day6 & pizza for you and me

first of all bell... .did u ask the songs i mentioned in my listo wtf i love u? also under read more bc rambling is my hobby

How Can I Say: Make a random TBH

tbh means to be honest right????? it has to do with day6?? im assuming anyway #noshade but like. .............. i get so uncomfortable when ppl talk abt brians “rudeness” on stage (like when he does “sexy” stuff i guess?) and when ppl go crazy over dowoon’s arms (cant relate) anyway iTS NOT BAD?? like to each of their own!! do whatever makes u happy ! but. ..it just makes me so uncomfortable lmao anywy enough tea from me! ok im not stopping now but whenever i see hard stans (thats what theyre called im assuming) on my tl i just straight up unfollow even if we’re mutuals (the only exception are my close mutuals aka bell boxy falen and basically people ive had conversations with on twitter) and i sorta feel bad??? but out of sight out of mind

I Smile: What’s a song that makes you cry?

bell thank u for askiing i lvoe u so much but i cant answer this because i dont have enough tear ducts in my eyes to do this??? ive never cried because of a song before the closest time would probably be when i was reading smth sad and then mayday parade (band) started playing and i straight up started sobbing lmao it has to be accompanied with like a sad fic/book/manga or else i wont cry rip

☆ Miscellaneous:

Day6: Who’s your Day6 bias and bias wrecker?

at this point im just gonna say jae is my bias bc its convenient but we all know i love them all hence everyone else r my bias wreckers 

Pizza for you and me: Do you like pineapple on your pizza?

bell r u sure u wanna kno the answer bc this could change our friendship.. i like my pizza without pineapples actually but thats . difficult especially when the only type of pizza i eat is hawaiian pizza (ham and pineapples) so i just pick out all the pineapples lmao fruits what

OKAY done thank you so much for asking bell.. truly my angel? i hope you have a good day my child..

#tokayhk #asks

[theday]

anyways, ill say bye now... i hope ure well rested and have a good day!! (wait, i remember what i wanted to ask!! at least i think this is what i wanted to ask? anywys, do u know what u want to do now that ure finished w school? if u dont mind me asking, of course, i understand if u think its a bit personal!) ok, now im done, have a good day!! take care and stay hydrated!! (and now i really did send u a bunch of asks..)

omg i hope u dont mind but ill be answering the stuff from ur last ask here (the one where i… deleted everything) under cut bc itll be 2x longer now

so first !!!!! how i got into kpop!!! it was thanks to my good pal (@.briwoon) boxy! i follow her on twitter and despite her being a day6 stan twt i had her unmuted anyway bc.. after years of being an anime blog on tumblr and seeing all my anime mutuals slowly converting into kpop blogs one by one i was able to filter the kpop out of my brain?? smth like that since back then i wasnt into kpop and i didnt want to unfollow since im mutuals with most of them :-0 

another backstory - i was one of those people who never saw themselves getting into kpop? and i think the main reason was bc i thought liking kpop would make u seem lame?? due to the influence from people around me?? but as years went by and as my mutuals changed interests it stopped bothering me and that mindset kind of just? faded away bc who am i to call other people’s happiness bad?? but despite being okay with it i never really made the move to get into any groups lmao that was until i got tired of my interest at that time (seiyuu, japanese voice actors) and my interests would always. not last?? idk so maybe thats why i didnt want to get invested but it happened regardless 

anyway usually i wouldnt take notice of her rts but this . this beautiful man with orange hair and minion glasses caught my eye when i was scrolling through my timeline and i was like o worm? oh mu god? hes beautiful? so i slid into her dms and asked her whomst the beautiful man was and she sent me all their mvs after that from congratulations to i smile (the most recent mv at that time, late june) for me to watch :-D now at that time, from what little knowledge i had of kpop.. i understood that groups would be singing and dancing so i was prepared to see some sick moves or smth?? but then. i clicked on miss i smile and my wig flew off? bc… wtf.? they were playing instruments???? and they sounded good ??? so i was like oh my god? a band??????

before day6 i also had (have) a preference for bands and the way their music sounds so i was like?? ready to just. get on board yknow?? i watched how can i say and i saw the lanky noodle wearing glasses and i was like o fuck mu life? i caved and asked boxy for their names and other information and best decision of my life bc.. they really make me happy!!! after that like the day after ? myabe they did a vlive and i was like o shit? what do i do… so i downloaded the vapp and wowie i love it? its my second home…… i watched every vlive they had at that time and i thought that was a lot… (it isnt, compared to mx) and i was just rly content??

(ok i know u asked for kpop and not … day6 or other groups bc im gonna talk abt how i got into mx and astro too bc…… how can i Not.. u can skip this part tho i just wanna ramble abt my loves? ill tell u when u can continue)

that was peak happiness for me at that time.. until… boxy started talking about monsta x in our groupchat (with @.tokayhk) and she would just ramble abt this kihyun fella (who i vaguely knew bc my real life friend likes him and mx and i bought her his pc before along with the guilty clan part 2) so i was like hmm interesting… and honestly? i wasnt going to get into monsta x i really wasnt planning on asking her abt them (since i was scared id lose interest in day6 right after) but then.. she started linking videos and i .. my resolve crumbled down as i heard monsta x yelling and … this beautiful cover (which boxy sent to show us how powerful kihyuns vocals are but i was 2 focused on mister aka minhyukku) and she told us how funny these monsta men are and i was like o h no…………….. eventually one day in late august i asked her to tell me more about these monstas…… aftert that i watched every mxray episode (starting from season 2 bc i dont know 1 comes before 2) and even though i didnt know anyone who was on screen except jooheon i found it really funny and?? it made me laugh so much i love mx?? ya… boxys kind of like my guardian angel?? shes really the reason im living tbh… introducing me to all these lovely people?? thank u miss boxy i love u

now. for the astrosus….. they were a bit different.. because i didnt have boxys help and they were the first group i took interest in solely bymyself so i knew i was in for a wild ride (at first, i couldnt even differentiate brian from sungjin in day6 lmao) after stanning monsta x and day6 i became more?? open to kpop and i started watching unhelpful guides on youtube bc . they were funnie and idk its nice??/ and i stumbled upon the astro one (which wasnt that funny but more helpful than anythng) and i was like. oh worm? the cicada group… bc i watched a short clip of them catching that stupid cicada in their office as it appeared on my tl one day so i clicked on the video ..and after watching that it led me to another video of astro being extra for 6 minutes and those six minutes/????? best six minutes of my life because theyre so fnny and they made me laugh a lot? (combined with the editing from op) so bc they were funnie i decided to look them up and read their profiles/??? i watched their nimdle video and only knew mj bc his tag was the two letters m and j lol but it really made me bust both of my lungs i just?? laughed A Lot 

im not sure how i managed to put name to face so quickly but it mightve been bc after the nimdle videos i watched every ddoca and astro play as well as their vlives available bc..  i just inhale the content at godspeed?? 

for mx and astro i was drawn in by their personalities before their music because they were on more variety shows and had more chances to show dorky they all are which made it way quicker for me to fall for the two groups??? for day6 its a bit sad but the weekly scheduled vlives arent enough for me to tell what kind of people they are (although those r still hilarious) i just wish they would go on more variety shows?? its understandable if they themselves dont want to be on any shows though!!! i love all 3 groups with all my heart :-D 

ok if u skipped u can start from here ill be answering the questions now lmao

FIRSTof all,,,,, youre learning how to drive?? thats so cool >:-0 we’re not allowed to learn until we’re like...?? 18?? or 21 idk but not so Soon :-( and its cute u think abt me (or of what to say) but pleaseth stay safe... i hope ur driving lessons go smoothly until u end theM!!! hopefully youll be able to get ur licence :-D 

aNDD!!! the thought of drinking warm tea when its cold outside.. is so ?? nice to think about hecc u better drink that tEA and enjoy it !!!! stay warm and comfy miss RM ..... and it even snows there????? thats so cool tbh ?? (i love snow but maybe thats bc it doesnt snow here so i dont know the tru evil of snow but like.... its so.... white and fluffy??) i would ask u 2 take pics and show me but alas...... the time is not right :-( do u know when we’re allowed to expose ourselves?? i forgot rip... but its sometime next month right im excited???? since its near my birthday !!!!! 

ok now to answer this ask no i actually have no clue what i want to be after i finish school?? yikEs but last year i (jokingly) said i wanted to be a farmer??? idk if i might actually do that probably not i guess im just freestyling (going with the flow) for now we’ll see where life takes me 

and like i said u can ask me anything !!! im fine with it :-) alsooooo please dont ever feel bad about sending too many asks bc its a lovely thing to wake up to and i just?? get rly happy when i see all the asks in my activity :-D!!  

#asks #rachel maria #oohh my this got really long #its already the next day so ill quickly answer the nxt set