#im gonna go wallow in my own misery in bed now

[itspdameronthings]

Benny the Rookie Cop Pt2

Summary:I know this part is intense. First part is anyway. It deals with Santi going off the deep end. Sorry about that. Fear not! there is a sweet Benny and Grace moment at the end which im gonna write another fic . More like an extended scene.

Meanwhile a few blocks away sounds of restlessness fills Santi’s home. He is on the floor with a bottle of his favorite whiskey. Drinking the numbness he feels. Life hasn't been good for him. Latest relationship has ended. That really hurt him to no end. Thought she was the one. After two years together things were on the up and up till something happened. Coming home to see her stuff was missing. All that remained was a dear John letter. No explanation,but she can't deal with his manic episodes. Then… his baby sister getting married to his best friend. He should be happy for them. Welcome Benny into the family. Resentment fueled his mind. Goal is for others to be shitty. 

He hasn't been to work for days. Will was beyond worried. Calls and texts were unanswered. On this night he goes over to see if Santi was okay. Letting himself in with a spare key looking around how messy the place was. Dishes in the sink smells of booze fills the air. Clothes on the floor. Caused Will to go upstairs to see his friend on the floor only wearing a pair of ratted green sweats. No shirt. Unkempt hair ,and matted beard. Kneels down,” Care to explain why you haven't called me?! Was worried that something happened! Had to postpone our presentation to next month! Our ass is on the line?! Gonna lose our important client ?! Are you gonna say anything?!” Santi looks at him whipping his mouth,"Of course I care,but not right now. Leave me to wallow in my misery. Too sick to care about shit. Now leave me alone! Go back to your happy home!” Looks like Will isn't getting through him. Think he needs some help. Thought about calling Frankie,but he is on vacation with his daughter. Benny hates to call him knowing he just got off from work. Taking a breath got out his phone: 

Older brother: look bro, hate to do this,but I need your help. At Pope’s he is in a drunken mess. 

Sound of a phone going off caused Benny to slowly wake up from sleeping with his beautiful wife. Can't stop holding onto her. Rubbing his eyes. Looking at the message,” Shit! Not again!” Tried not to wake Gracie slowly got up to get dressed, sudden movement stopped him. Small hands on his shoulders stopped him . Soft voice fills the room,” What's wrong baby? Another bad dream? If it is? Let me help.” Taking a breath,” Your brother is drunk yet again. Gonna go to help Will. Wantcha to stay home okay? Can't have my rose hurt. Need ya to keep my side of the bed warm and toasty. “ Gracie not listening. Still wrapped in the bedsheet. Goes to get dressed,” Think I can help too. We are family, remember? “ Benny goes over to her now naked form. Hugs her from behind,” I know darlin. Just trust me okay? Let me and Will handle it. If we need help? I'll call. “ Gracie closed her eyes. Knowing he might be right. Sure both of them had training in dealing with this kind of behavior. This is her brother. Might not have seen Santi like that. Oh the boys have. Soon as her husband leaves. She goes to her nightstand to fetch her phone. Calls someone who delt with this before. Her mother. 

Benny arrives at Santi’s . Noise of shouting caught his attention. Sounds of things hitting a wall. Rushed upstairs to see both Santi and Will yelling. Sees a broken bottle on the floor. Goes over to break up the fight. Goes between them,” Enough! Stand fucking down!” Santi not hearing this. Goes to push Benny away from him,” oh look is here! Person who stole my sister away from me! Ordering me around my own place! Why don't you both go home !”Looking into his brother in law in the eye. Not moving,” Not a chance man. You're endangering yourself ya know that?! Need help! Not leaving so tell us what's wrong.” Santi grunts,” Nothing ,and I mean nothing is wrong! Can a person be alone for a while?! That's all I fucking want!! Want to wallow okay?!” Now the plot thickens. Wallow. It's Will who figured it out. Leans against the wall in his signature pose. Arms crossed,” I know why. Chelsea. Left you in this state of misery. Furthermore? Resenting the fact Benny stole Gracie from you! Preposterous! Can't face that she is an adult. She loves you man. Problem is that can't someone else take over. “ Those words cut through Santi’s soul like a knife. Yes he is going through a lot. Feeling like the others never endure that kind of pain. Until he remembers Will went through the same thing. Now he feels like shit. Brothers sat next to him while he cried. 

Rosa Garcia rushed inside her son's home. With Gracie in tow. Looking at the state the home is in. Brought back memories of her late husband. Brought tears to her eyes. Her son is going down the same path . She knew he was going through stuff,but never thought he would destroy himself in this kind of matter. Gracie stays downstairs to clean up. Rosa slowly approaches a bedroom to see her son,and her sons in law . Benny, first to see her, goes to hug her,” Mama, Glad you are here. Got him calm ,but.. with all of my trainin in this? Thought could get through him. “ Hugs him tightly,” It would be fine my baby boy. Go downstairs okay? Your rose is there cleaning up. Means you too William shoo!” Will kisses her forehead as he leaves. Santi whimpers,” I'm a bad son Mama! Don't know how I can overcome it…” Rubs her son’s back as he lays his head on her lap. Needs to feel safe right now. Rosie knows that as well. He needs help to cope. Whispers to her son,” I'm here baby boy. You know drinking your troubles away isn't gonna help. Either is being a complete boota to your sister,and husband. Can't you see it's hurting them? Getting dumped hurts I know. Been there honey. Tell you what. I'm gonna move in for a while.help you get through this. First thing first. Go downstairs to apologize to the young couple. Tomorrow? Taking you to counseling.” 

Mother and son come downstairs to see his family cleaning up the living room. Gracie is first to see her mom and brother. Not looking at him she walks away. Not before Santi blocks her,” Look here G. I'm sorry. Okay? Never thought my anger hurt you the way it did. Was in a bad place. I'm glad you have Benny. I mean it. I'm afraid that I'm..” Reaching out to hug her brother. So does Benny. Hug him close. Rosa whispers to the young couple,” Go home. We got this. Family dinner is gonna be pushed back for a few days. You two have fun on your days off. Mama’s orders.” Santi watches from afar as his sister and brother in law hold each other close. Try not to fall apart. Will comes up to him placed his hand on his shoulder,” you will find one special man. First thing is to get ya well again. “ Santi takes a deep breath,” Thanks for coming by man.” Will chuckles again,” That's what family does man . We help.”

Young couple arrived home. Exhausted mentally and physically. Benny reached out to hold Gracie who practically held on to him. Breathed in his special scent,” Had to call mama. Had too. Hope you aren't mad.” Kissing her forehead ever so gently, he whispers,” I'm not. Glad ya did. Wasn't getting much lead way until Will figured it out. Now.. how about we go to bed. Hmm? Can cuddle, or watch some trashy show ya like.” Tracing patterns along his neck as he picks her in a bridal position,” I much rather have my rookie make love to me. Followed by some cuddling. Then.. we can stay in bed tomorrow since it's gonna rain.” 

Once they get into bed. Benny holds her close to his warm body. Trace loving patterns along her arm. How he wanted to fully fill her first request. Sees her fast asleep in his arms. Making love is the first thing to do in the morning. Holds her close to him. Thinking about how he really needs to protect her even more. Yes, Santi has a long journey ahead. Feared he might have a relapse. Whispers into her ear,” Love you my Rose bud. With all of my heart. Make sure you are safe for what's to come. Pray for Pope’s recovery is a success.” 

#triple frontier #benny miller x reader #santiago garcia x reader #garett hedlund #charlie hunnam #oscar isaac

[descendantofthesparrow]

Part of your world – Harry Hook x Reader- Part 7- Savior part 2

a rewrite of @blackplaidcalum x reader that they wrote for me

summary: a who doesn’t love the Disney World, well, (y/n) especially loves descendants, and one day, as she dances in her kitchen getting ready to head out. 17-year-old (y/n) becomes part of that world, now a certain blue-eyed pirate meets the girl from a world where he is a fictional character and he has an actor named Thomas Doherty.

 warning: mention and the act of rape included in this part

 Key:

 h/c- hair color

 e/c- eye color

 h/l- hair length

 s/c- skin color

 y/n- your name

 your stuff

 --

Hook sat in his office admiring his new collection of rum, given to him by (insert bitchy name here), he didn’t have enough money to give the woman, but she was ecstatic to accept his son at payment, as many others did when Hook either didn’t have money or just didn’t feel like spending it.

So, Hook sat oblivious to the traumatic horror he was putting his only son through. Harriet and the daughter of the sea witch tried to put a stop to the basically prostitution of harry, but they failed, only resulting in Hook letting his crew give in to their desires of his son.

Smee walked in, wringing his red worn cap in his hands as he always did when he was nervous or scared. Hook raised an eyebrow and motioned for his first mate to take a seat and offered him some of his new rum. Smee shook his head, he didn’t want the rum acquired from Harry's misfortune. The poor boy, Smee only hoped that the (h/c) girl had saved the boy he thought of as a son.

“isn’t it a fine night Mr. Smee~”

Smee only meekly nodded, he didn’t think so, Harry was sold once more, and he didn’t even know if the girl had managed to save him or not.

“new rum and the boy has served his purpose once more HA!”

Smee gritted his teeth, only a degrading sentence away from quitting as the first mate and leaving.

“and to think I thought that the boy wouldn’t amount to anything~! He makes a damn good payment if I do-“

The cabin door slammed open, revealing a bleeding crew member, Hook and Smee stood to their feet, hearing the sounds of swords clashing and screams.

“what the bloody hell is going on!”

“c-captain!” the crew member panted “some-someone’s on deck kill- gnh ack” blood spilled to the floor, a sword sticking out of the man's chest, he fell to the floor. And there you were, blood splattered on your body and sword. Dripping to the floor.

“hello Hook” you spoke in a deadly voice, stepping over the body and shoving it out of the way, closing the cabin door.

“who-“ Hook sputtered “who the fuck are you! What are you doing on my ship!”

“I’m here” you snarled, “to have a talk”

Hook rolled his eyes, you were trying to scare him, it wasn’t working

“Alright then, speak wench”

You lifted your sword, aiming it at him, “you sold harry.”

Hook groaned and rubbed his face, great another one, just like Harriet and Uma, this bitch was trying to stop the selling of the boy.

“why do you care, he is nothing but a pay-“

“Harry is a fucking human being, and your son!” you snarled at him, now thinking that Hook didn’t deserve death, but something much worse.

“Alright then if you want me to stop, we shall duel” hook drew his sword in a flourish and grinned sadistically at you “to the death!” just as he was about to charge. You stopped him.

“no!” Hook stopped confused “to the pain”

He furrowed his brows “ I don’t think I’m familiar with that phrase”

“I'll explain, and I’ll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced Buffon.”

Hooks face showed surprise and disgust “I think that is the first time anyone dared insult me”

“and it won't be the last!” you smirked, speaking in a deadly calm voice “to the pain means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your other hand at the wrist, next your nose”

“and then my tongue I suppose, I've allowed this to go on for too lon-“

“I wasn’t finished!” you interrupted him, smirking, still a calm deadly voice. “ the next thing you lose will be your left eye followed by your right”

Hook rolled his eyes sighing exasperatingly “and then my ears let’s get on with it!”

“Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why.” You smirk became sadistic and a shiver ran down hooks spine “so that every shriek of every child of seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish, every babe that weeps at your approach every woman who cries out “dear god what is that thing!” will echo in your ears.” Hook stared at you in fear “ that. Is what to the pain means, it means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.”

Hook and Smee stared at you before Hook stupidly opened his mouth to speak, “ I think you’re bluffing”

“its possible pig. I might be bluffing” you stared him down with a deadly calm gaze “ it's conceivable you miserable vomitous mass, im only standing here because you lack the courage to step forward”

Hooks face burned at the implication and rushed forward swinging his hook at you, and with a flourish of your sword, you cut off his forearm, Hook screaming in pain.

“AHHHHHH YOU BITC-“you pointed your sword at his neck.

“drop

Your

Sword”

Hook shakily dropped it and you motioned him to his chair “have a seat~” he quickly stood and sat in his chair. You motioned to Smee and said, “Tie him up.”  Smee quickly followed your orders and tied his soon to be ex-captain up.

“make it as tight as you’d like”

Smee finished and looked at you, you gestured to the door.” Now leave, go see Harry, he's on the revenge”

Smee nodded and whispered a thank you, before scurrying off.

You closed the door after him, turning back to hook, he shivered under your gaze, “what-“ he squeaked “what are you going to do!”

You smirked and raised your sword

“to the pain”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH”

---

Uma paced the deck, Smee had arrived about an hour ago, and you had left an hour and a half, and from what Smee told her, you had taken down almost the entire crew, leaving one survivor, the cabin boy, and had cut off hooks left forearm.

Uma had to admit, she was impressed. But also extremely worried, she knew of Harrys growing crush on you, which she had noticed started just a little bit after you had stolen the trophy, and if you didn’t come back, Uma didn’t want to think of what Harry would do.

But her worries were erased when you turned the corner and walked the gangplank. She rushed forward but stopped when she saw the blood coating you, Hooks hook gripped in your left hand, face softening when you saw Uma

“hey”

“uuhh” Uma droned “hey, soooo” she gestured to you “you have fun”

You shrugged and walked to the shared room, when you entered you saw Harry talking to Smee, wearing a baggy sweater and pants, blanket curled around his shoulders, sitting on the edge of the bed, he saw you and gasped your name

“(y/n)” you smiled at him and grabbed your clothes and walked into the bathroom, “I gotta get this blood off, be out soon”

Harry frowned and turned to Uma and Smee, “wha’ is she talking about’ ?” Uma shuffled in place, Smee wringing his cap.

“wha’ happen’ ? wha’ (y/n) do?”

“she uh” Smee mumbled, “she uh, your father is”

“she fucking messed your father up” Harry's jaw dropped, and he harshly swallowed and shakily asked “wha’ she do?”

Smee and Uma shrugged, Harry understood, they wanted (y/n) herself to tell Harry what happened.

Smee patted Harry's shoulder and exited the room, Uma following him. Harry sat in the room, the sound of the shower echoing through the room.

‘she’ Harry thought ‘went after my dad?’ Harry buried his face in his hands ‘for me’ tears burned at Harrys eyes ‘why?’

The door opened and you stepped out, clean and free of blood, hair damp, trying your best to dry it with a towel.

You saw Harry sitting on the bed and you walked over to him and stood in front of him.

“Harry?” He stopped shaking and looked up at you through his lashes. “are you okay?” Harry sat up a little, allowing you more room to get closer to him, standing between his legs.

“why?” you tilted your head, raising your eyebrow “why did ye go after me da?”

You sighed and wrapped your arms around his shoulders and brought him into a hug, his arms going around your waist.

“I did it because I care about you, and he needed to learn a lesson”

“wha’ did ye do to him’?”

You blew your hair out of your face, “I cut off all his limbs and left him to suffer”

Harry's jaw dropped and you shrugged and poked his nose, he made a face and wiggled his nose, you giggled and Harry rolled his eyes and laid his head on your chest. You softly smiled and scratched his scalp.

He sniffed and rubbed his face on your chest, making you blush. He lifted his face, meeting your eyes, your faces only a couple of inches from each other, your breaths mingling, Harry glanced at your lips biting his own, you pursed your lips and leaned forward, Harry’s eyes fluttered slightly, you kissed his forehead (making Harry a little disappointed) and whispered.

“I swear to Calypso that I will protect you from now on”

Thunder rumbled in the distance, Harry let out a harsh breath, and you both stayed there for a few more minutes, feeling comfort in the others embrace.

Later that night, Harry and you slept in the bed, luckily it was large enough for both of you to have a side, and as Harry laid there, staring at your serene face, he realized something

…

He was falling for you.

…

And fast

--end of part 7--

comment or message me for part 8

taglist:

@namelesslosers (he does deserve the world, and im gonna give it to him in this fic and the next.👍👍)

Imma also tag @crazybutconfidentaf because I wanted you to know you get to cackle in revenge against Hook. 😜

#Descendents #descendants #disney descendants #harry hook #harryhook #harry hook x reader #harry hook descendants #harry hook imagine #captain hook #reader is a badass #and took notes from princess bride

[sugarless--girl]

Day 7: Disaster — fem!Kuroken

Kuroo was a bit of a disaster around Kenma. The dark-haired girl was terrified that someday she’d slip up and it’d all come crashing down that she had the hots for her childhood friend.

Of course she fucks this up by making out with Kenma at a party. God help her poor soul.

Read on AO3

The party was an absolute disaster and everyone knew it. It wasn’t enough that cops were called half-way through the night, oh no—Kenma had to go and make shitty decisions in her inebriated state of mind. Remind her never to go to a frat party again.

When Kenma first woke up that morning, her hangover was painful enough that it left her cursing god and her dumbass past self. Why was she so stupid? After she finally managed to muster up the strength to sit up—trying not to gag a few times—Kenma looked around for her phone. But something else caught her attention—namely the fact that she was completely topless, no bra in sight. She wasn’t wearing pants either but at least she had her underwear. Small victories. She was also in her room, so she at least had enough sense to get back home.

Did Kenma get lucky last night or had she thrown up all over herself? The latter explanation didn’t account for the missing bra though. God, it was cold in this room. She slowly got out of her bed. Her sense of balance was worse than ever and the thought of even bending down to pick a shirt off the ground felt too much. Kenma just rooted around the closet until she found an oversized t-shirt to wear.

She went to the bathroom to get rid of the taste of alcohol in her mouth.  As Kenma grabbed her toothbrush, she took in her appearance in the mirror. Her hair was a total disaster—something she was not looking forward to fixing. She smelt like alcohol and sweat but the thought of stepping into the shower made her head spin. Her eyes traveled to her neck. It had a huge fucking hickey on it.

Who the fuck—?

Kenma pushed the thought out of her head. She’d have a mental breakdown later. She made her way to the kitchen, hoping to find Kuroo. Her longtime friend was standing at the stove with a look of intense concentration. Before Kenma could step closer, the smell hit her and it made her want to throw up right then and there. Luckily, she clearly threw up everything last night as she just gagged. But it did cause Kuroo to turn her way when she heard Kenma hitting the wall.

“K-Kenma! You’re up!!” She said, as she practically jumped out of her skin.

Her friend’s loud voice would’ve been comforting any other time but Kenma only felt, well, pain stabbing her head. “Kuro…..you’re too loud.”

“Ah, yeah sorry.” Kuroo stared at her oddly (probably staring at the hickey) but Kenma wasn’t in the mood to try and read the other girl’s expression.

“Aren’t you hungover?”

“No.” There was Kuroo’s easy going smile. “I actually watch my limit unlike you. Here, drink some water.”

Kenma took the cup and began sipping it. Drinking water was an ordeal itself. Why did she drink so much again?

“Oh, yeah I saw Shrimpy make out with that scary girlfriend of hers. Weren’t you hanging out with her?”

“Yes.” Kenma muttered mutinously, now remembering why she decided to suddenly torture her liver. Kuroo had ditched her to hang with Bokuto so she decided to find Hinata before the party got too hectic. But it hadn’t taken long for Hinata to get distracted by Kageyama, thus leaving Kenma to her own devices. She hated when her friends did this. Drag her to some random party, made her leave her 3DS behind so she could “socialize” and ditch her halfway through. Kuroo wasn’t too bad with leaving Kenma as the black-haired girl usually knew when Kenma was ready to bail but Hinata—despite being well-meaning—tended to get distracted easily.

God, what even happened last night?

“Uh, so you hungry?” Kenma just glared at Kuroo who laughed at her misery.

“You took me back last night, right?”

“Yeah?” Kuroo said, sounding weirdly hesitant

“Do you remember if I made out with anyone?” Kenma wasn’t the type to make out with strangers—not that she judged people who did, but it was definitely out of character for her. Drunk Kenma was more sleepy and cuddly than horny.

Kuroo stood tense at the stove. Kenma blinked as she tried to make sense of Kuroo’s strange behavior. “Was it—one of your exes or something?” That seemed like the only logical conclusion for the odd atmosphere.

“No, I didn’t see who the person was.” Kuroo muttered.

That explained it. Kuroo was doing her over-protective routine again. “Well, I’m gonna go shower.”

Kuroo whipped to look at Kenma. “Eat something first.”

Kenma grimaced. “After my shower.” She could feel Kuroo’s eyes on her and turned to look at the other girl. Kuroo just looked away.

Weird

Last night was a disaster. Kuroo was a disaster.

How the fuck was she going to live with the knowledge that she made out with her best friend? She was a godless sinner that deserved to be burned at the stake. She took advantage of Kenma when the other girl cuddled up to her. Never mind that Kuroo was just as fucked up as Kenma—she still took advantage of her friend’s trusting nature. Kuroo hadn’t gotten drunk in a while now so last night had been bad. A disaster even.

Kuroo had luckily come to her senses and stumbled drunkenly into the bathroom to throw-up the rest of the alcohol to sober up quicker. Never had she been so thankful for her gag reflexes. Of course, sobering up just made her feel worse.

Not to be dramatic or anything but she totally got why people became raging alcoholics. It was way easier to ignore your feelings when you were drunk out of your minds. But you made stupider decisions so maybe it wasn’t worth it.

Kenma knew something was wrong despite being massively hung-over. When she finally recovered she’d probably ask Kuroo what the hell was going on and Kuroo knew there was no way she’d be able to lie to her face like that. She hadn’t ever been able to lie to Kenma. She was just too perceptive. But the other girl knew when to give Kuroo her space so she hoped that Kenma would let it go this time. That was the only reason she got away with not spilling her guts about her raging lesbian crush on the other girl.

She looked down to her frying pan and sighed. It had turned out slightly overcooked during her self-loathing episode—Kenma wouldn’t mind but Kuroo hated making anything less than perfect for her.

Kenma stepped back into the kitchen, toweling her hair dry. She felt significantly more like a human being after properly cleaning up. Her hair—which initially smelled like someone dumped a shot of vodka all over it—was washed and she no longer felt like that one time where she stayed up three days in a row to finish Dark Souls. She did not finish Dark Souls in those three days as it was rather difficult to react fast when you were sleep-deprived. Who knew?

In the shower, she spent a good deal of time wondering who the hell gave her that hickey. Was it a stranger or was it someone she knew? She contemplated asking Hinata about it but figured going to Kuroo would be the best place to start.

Kenma sat down at the dining table and Kuroo placed an omlette in front of her. She was grateful it looked rather plain as the thought of digesting much else seemed like an ordeal in it of itself. Kuroo watched her as she slowly dug into her meal. Kenma’s stomach was beginning to rebel but she wasn’t about to throw up now.

“Good?” Kuroo asked

“Mmh.” Kenma looked up to see Kuroo staring intently at her nails. “Kuro? Aren’t you going to eat?”

“Ah, I already did.”

Something felt off. “Did you see your ex at the party last night?”

“No? Why are you bringing him up?” Kuroo asked with a frown

Kenma shrugged and continued to eat her breakfast. Kuroo’s breakup had been a messy one but not many people knew the details. Apparently Bokuto knew and that bother Kenma. All she knew, herself, was that it had something to do with her.

“Did you see me with anyone?”

“Well I didn’t see you much in the beginning of the party.”

“But you took me home, right?” Kenma pressed.

“Uh, yeah?”

“You didn’t see me with anyone when you came to take me back?”

Kuroo rubbed her neck. “No…”

Wait…. “Did I have hickey at that time?”

Kuroo looked everywhere but at her. Surely not…

“Kuro, did you give me this hickey?”

To Kenma’s mild horror, tears began welling up in Kuroo’s eyes. “I-I’m so sorry Kenma. I’m really sorry. You can—you can do whatever you want with me. I’m just—“

“Wait, wait, wait…so let me get the events in order: you called a Lyft or something and we went back to our dorm. And then we ended up making out on my bed I’m guessing. And then you got horrified and went to wallow in your room, right?” Everything was starting to finally make sense to Kenma. She always felt as though she were missing something with Kuroo. She knew that a kiss wouldn’t bother Kuroo that much unless it had weight behind it—Kuroo hardly cared about kissing Bokuto after all.

“Yes….” If the kicked puppy look was saying anything, then it was clear that Kuroo expected the worst.

“Kuro….how long have we known each other?”

“I-is this a trick question?”

“No—I mean, why would you expect that I’d get mad?”

“Well because you got mad at Lev…”

“You and I both established Lev is an idiot.” Kenma sighed. “I’m just surprised I didn’t notice this about you.”

“Notice what?” Kuroo asked, slowly looking up at Kenma.

“You liking me.” At that, Kuroo buried her hands in her face and groaned.

“I didn’t want you to notice, that’s why.”

“Why? Because I don’t like you?”

Kuroo mumbled something intelligible in her hands but Kenma had an idea of what she was getting at.

“Kuro….you’re the exception to a lot of my rules. It’s why the thing I’m most surprised about is that I didn’t pick up on your crush.”

“Yeah?” Kuroo asked, peaking up from her hands.

“Yeah.” Kenma smiled, “I notice you all the time.”

Kuroo smiled for what felt like the first time that morning and Kenma’s raging headache didn’t feel as bad as before.

#femslash february #femslashfeb2019 #day 7 #disaster #haikyuu #kuroken #fem kuroken #kuroo tetsurou #kozume kenma #genderbend #posted a day late but better late than never

[avalite]

10/27

119.7

10:30. just woke up. don’t want to weigh myself.

119.7. not bad.

1:18 pm, just bped. my mom yelled at me for eating things too fast and made me feel like nothing. she wants to go for a walk to the beach later but i’m thinking now i don’t want to be around her.

3:30 heading out to dd.

4:30, just got back. i haven’t brought he bag upstairs because my mom will definitely notice, and when i came in she was just standing by the front door, looking out the window.

5:00 feeling super sleepy. i don’t know what the deal is with dinner. my mom is being really cunty.

8:30. bped and also showered. i do not feel clean. i didn’t clean myself enough. but at least i showered.

11.ohhhh, FUCK i’m annoyed. i hate my mom fucking being passive aggressive with me all the time. all day she’s been giving me a shitty attitude and she’s managed to turn it back on me. fuck her. i’m gonna say this everyday, i can’t wait till she dies. please god let her just drop dead. not a painful death just dead. i’ll be sad for certain, i know that. but she’s caused more harm than good in my life. she shouldn’t have had me in the first place. not listening to my dad and not getting an abortion was her mistake. stupid, stupid, cunt.

i have a diet coke and i was going to bp but im deciding not to. i might not eat at all tomorrow just to piss her off and wallow in my own misery. i hate her so much. i hate her so much. i need to just relax. i’m going to clean my bed and sleep there. i can’t stand the sight of her. i’m going to also read some of my book, it’s good but i really want to read flowers in the attic, which isn’t coming until november 10th or later. i’ll try and read this one to see if it’s any good.

[gettingthru-blog1]

Let’s try an intro

Well hello there,

I realize I am speaking to no one since I don’t think anyone will ever actually read this blog. Maybe I’ll come back to this in a few months or years so hello future Kat. Hope you’re doing better than present Kat is, cause right now she ain’t good.

Im starting this in the hopes of seeing results in my mission of getting better. Things have been hard for me for a really long time and they’ve only gotten worse recently. So maybe throughout this blog there will be progress. That’s the goal.

I guess I’ll start off by talking a little bit about my life and the things that I’ve been feeling so I can create a base to work off of. I’ve self diagnosed myself with depression. I know quite of few people who have been diagnosed by doctors and I’m taking abnormal psychology in school right now so I know the text book definition of what depression is and what it means to have it. And from that, I have decided that I am depressed. I’ve talked to my mom about it, I’ve tried to talk to my doctor about it (although the only think she did was make me feel stupid for feeling the way I do), and I’ve talked to “friends” about it. I put the word friends in quotations because I don’t believe that I have friends. Like, I know I have people in my life and I’m sure they care about me to an extent but I still feel alone and I have no desire in ever seeing these people. So to me, I don’t have friends. Anyways, I’ve talked to many people and told them my story and how I feel and that I’m depressed and no one has ever argued the fact that I’m not (not like anyone actually would argue that but still). I think I’ve finally convinced my mom to help me find a psychiatrist or someone I can talk to about how I’m feeling but apparently there’s a super long waiting list so we’ll see how that goes. Plus I’m trying to change doctors because I feel very uncomfortable with mine and that’s definitely not a good thing. Okay so back to the self diagnosis. I’ve decided that I have depression because of my constant state of sadness. Yes I understand that people get sad from time to time and that doesn’t mean they’re depressed but I am. I’m sad all the time. That’s not an exaggeration. I don’t look forward to anything anymore, I’m not interested in doing anything anymore or seeing anyone. I hate being alone but I isolate myself because I also don’t want to be with anyone either. I used to be the happiest person out there. I could never stop smiling and laughing and I loved to be apart of everything going on. Now all my smiles are fake and if I end up laughing, it really only lasts a few seconds and then I’m back to feeling numb. I guess that’s how I would describe how I feel most of the time, numb. And also alone. I realize that I’m the one that isolates myself and doesn’t hang out with people, but that’s because I feel just as alone when I’m around others. At least if I feel alone in my room, and I can be sad on my own and cry if I need to. But if I’m out with others and I feel alone and sad, I have to put up a front and pretend I’m happy. It’s so draining having to pretend like I’m happy when all I want to do is curl up in a bunch of blankets and lay in bed in total darkness. People always say that you just have to fake it until you make it, that if you pretend to be happy for long enough, eventually you will be happy. I’m calling bullshit. That’s not how it works. I can pretend to be happy all I want but that doesn’t take away all these horrible feelings inside me. I may look fine on the outside but trust me I’m far from it. So yes, I will continue to isolate myself because that’s my only option. Because being sad alone is much easier than being sad in a room full of happy people. That hurts way more than wallowing in my own misery.

Do I really have no one? Well at this moment in my life, that’s how it feels. For a year and a half I wasn’t alone. I had my boyfriend. However he broke up with me a week ago but I’m gonna save that story for another post, or many other posts. It’s far too long and complex to be discussed in an intro. Honestly the only other person I think I have right now is my co worker Sab. And we’re not even that close. The only reason I consider her to be a valid person in my life who is deserving of recognition is because she’s the only person who has actually been able to make me laugh and feel a little better about myself. She’s very understanding and she’s been through a lot herself so she is able to relate to me in some ways. She’s really fucking funny and I look forward to coming to work and sitting with her. I don’t think she’ll ever know the positive affect she has on me because I won’t ever tell her but I’m fine appreciating her company in silence.

I used to skate. I used to be a figure skater for almost 15 years I’d say. I wasn’t the best but I was good. When I was in grade 11 that got taken away from me. The sport that was apart of me, that made me who I was got taken away from me because my family could no longer afford it. Rude. That was hard on me for a long time. Like a very long time. But I recently got told that I could start skating again. My dad told me that he would pay for me to skate twice a week if I was interested in that. I know the only reason he offered was because my mom told him how bad I was doing but whatever. I was excited at first but the more I think about it, the more I’m not even sure if I want that. I love skating, more than life, but I’m also too sad to leave the house most days, or do much of anything. I know skating would probably help and would make me feel better about myself but I don’t know if I’ll end up going through with it.

Speaking of feeling better about myself.. I have serious body confidence issues. I have serious confidence issues in general. I’m so insecure about myself it’s unbelievable. I won’t let anyone see my stomach anymore and I joke about being fat to my mom, but in reality that is how I see myself. I hate my body with everything I am. I actually just hate everything about myself. My stomach is too chubby, my face is too ugly, my hair isn’t curly enough, my body is too hairy, my lips aren’t plump enough, my butt isn’t big enough. Everything about me is wrong in my eyes and the worst part is that I have no motivation to fix the parts that I have control over. I should be going to the gym at least 3 times a week but I don’t. I know I should, I tell myself I should, other people tell me I should, but I don’t.

Honestly I don’t know what else to say at this point. There’s a lot more wrong with me but I can’t seem to come up with anything else at this moment. So I’m gonna leave my intro there. A little bit of insight in how poorly I feel and how poorly I see myself. I’m gonna use this as an outlet for my emotions and thoughts because I’ll drive myself mad if I keep everything bottled up.

Keep getting thru Kat. You’ll be okay.