#im going to blame that awful amount of anxiety i was feeling on the stuff i smoked combined with stuff im still trying to figure out

[wkemeup]

my mom's a therapist, and as a result I've grown up with stories of clients that got mad at her for being human; needing to reschedule appointments because she was sick, telling clients that they weren't a good fit and referring them to some other clinicians she knew, etc. it was a client, after all, that gave her covid back in December which consequently infected our whole family. throughout it all, though, my mother has stayed so kind and selfless in the face of most battles, and I'll never stop admiring her for that.

I think being a therapist is one of the bravest careers someone can choose, because I know that, at least for me, listening to other people talk about their ups and downs will just send me spiraling about my own. I took three years of psychology classes, and I loved the courses, but I don't think I'd ever be able to get myself into a psychology practice. I'm so amazed and in awe of you and everyone else that is pursuing that field. my heart is with you

(I want to first make it clear that I am in no way referencing the previous anon who talked about their therapist being out for a month and getting injured. I absolutely understand how difficult it is on clients when the therapist has to cancel or is out of the office - especially when you're going through something and really need them. This is a whole separate thing here, so if that anon sees this please know you're absolutely ok!!)

I completely identify with your mom on that. I have had multiple clients get very upset with me for days I've had to call out sick and their appts were rescheduled, or even when I go on vacation for a week and aren't able to see them at our usual interval. Trust me that I understand the magnitude of mental health and what this job requires, but I think it can be so easy for people to forget that I'm human, too. I get sick. I need time off. I have a whole world of my own shit I'm dealing with too.

and I know that the whole point of therapy is that the patient shouldn't carry the burden of knowing my own shit, but (speaking from my own experience with my clients) I wish sometimes there could be an understanding that I am not immune to the world either and my existence doesn't cater 100% to you. I cant tell if I'm sounding too harsh, and honestly this is about to turn into my personal vent about this and struggling with my job because I really need it right now, so feel free to tune me out and disregard.

I obviously want to help people. Im in this job for a reason. But sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm cut out for it at all because my own mental health has really suffered in the last year and even before that in episodes before I was officially a therapist. I have clients who will say stuff like "you could never understand how this actually feels" but like, I've been depressed. I struggle with anxiety. I have had significant issues with food and my weight. But I am often treated like I am a machine at disposal - required to be available 100% of the time to each individual client, despite the fact I have 70 people on my caseload.

There is never going to be a moment where I snap my fingers and make things better for my clients. Your mental health is still your own responsibility. My job is to help you navigate it, learn how to manage it, and make it smaller and smaller until it doesn't carry the same weight it used to. But I can't fix you. You have to actually do the work and it is so much work but so many of my patients can't see that so they expect me to have all the answers and make them better and I can't. That's the secret with therapy. You fix yourself. You help yourself. Im just there to guide you and help process shit along the way.

but anyway.

sorry idk how I got here but I've obvs been feeling very dehumanized at my job lately. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I sit there and nod casually as a client rants at me about how I'm bad at my job and they're not getting better nevermind the fact that they aren't actually willing to do the skills I'm trying to teach them. So many of them rely too much on medication or just blame me instead.

I'm so burnt out and I'm only 3 years into this job officially and I wonder a lot if my own mental health is going to be what takes this job from me one day. Idk. hell maybe it makes me a bad person for even complaining about this.

I should also say that I have tons of great clients who are very understanding and ask kindly about how my time off was and work really hard in therapy and are doing so well. The tough stuff just obviously weighs a little more.

It's scary to have someone put so much onto you, you know? So many of my clients treat me like I am the only thing keeping them together and honestly for a lot of them, I'm sure they really do mean that. It can just be heavy on me. Sinking, really.

Im not expecting anyone to still be reading by now because somehow this turned into a public diary post lol but if you are, thank you for listening. This is your reminder that therapists have big feelings too and struggle and should probably also see a therapist themselves lol.

anyway.

#inbox #personal #this got away from me sorry

[logicalyfun]

May we play

Musician au

Characters: Patton, Logan, Roman, Virgil

This is the first LAMP ive ever made, have mercy on me :)

Sorry for bad grammar :)))

Thanks to @stop-it-anxiety for beta reading

This is a concept and idea ive had in mind for sometime now. Wanted to do this and see how it would turn out, hope you enjoy it :)

_________

'C,D,A,F,'

Logan chanted on him mind as he played the violin piece infront of him. So lost in the music, the feeling of the strings under his finger tips. It was a slow piece he was playin, obviously classical although he sometimes didn't like classical that much. But his mom made him play classical music from Paganini to Mozart to Chopin and so much more.He smiles as he played the last note of the paper. He had to practice more if he really wanted to be a good musician. A yes being in an orchestra, in the violin section, now that-.His thought were interrupted by one of his roommates, Patton. That bubbly saxophonist didn't even play classical, he just played whatever they gave him but most likely jazz, which in a way made his curious of that music style."Hey Logan what you up to""Just practicing some classical pieces, the usual".

"Boring, come on you know theres more to play, how about un poco de salsa o plena" said his other roommate called Roman. He was hispanic which you dont see around these areas sometimes. Hes pretty dramatic, is in a drama club and also plays the trumpet. They match, they are both pretty loud and both together pretty amazing.

Logan titled his head in confusion. "What is all that, some classical music I've never heard of" Logan said still confused

Patton and Roman eyes widen, "wait you dont know what those genre is" Roman said with a surprise voice. Logan shrugged and said no.

"Well you only know classical, how about we show you the rest" Patton said.

"I can't I need to practice, i dont have time for silly games"

"But you have time for word association game don't you" Patton said.

"Dont you dare mess with my favorite game"

Roman meanwhile had an idea. "Say Logan how about we take you to the music room and there we can show you what do yo-"" Roman i told you i dont have tim-""But you can practice there too" Logan stopped and thought about it. He did want to learn more about music and he had to admit that it was getting kinda boring just playing classical so..

"Alright ill go, just lets do this quick" Logan said grabbing the violin suitcase and following to Patton and Roman who was talking to someone via phone call.

As they opened the music room, Logan saw some big and small cases, some drums and percussion around and a piano. He had been here but only for a short amount of time.

"Roman took you long enough to get here" and there appeared Logan third roommate, Virgil. Virgil was pretty dark and had his ways but also very dedicated to his instruments. He played guitar, drums and some wind instruments.

"Virge, its an emergency! Specs here doesn't know any other genre other than classical, and we are here to show him some songs" Roman said taking his trumpet out.

"Well i have some suggestion, may i go first" Patton said with his alto saxophone in his hands. Roman and Virgil nod and sit down on some chairs.

"Okay Logan im gonna play a song, if you want you can join or any of you can join" and there he started, going slowly and having a bit of a sway to it. Play every dinamic and note making it sound beautiful. Logan got his violin out and listen closely to Patton and he started playing with him

"Oh i love this song,

"Fly me to the moon

Let me play among the stars

Let me see what spring is like on

Jupiter and Mars

In other words, hold my hand

In other words, baby, kiss me"

Patton and Logan playing together with Roman singing and Virgil adding a bit of percussion. They were magnificent, Logan couldn't believe what he heard, he actually enjoyed playing it.

"In other words, please be true

In other words

I love you"

"I must say that was... good, pretty average" Logan said "and Pat i didn't know you played Jazz so good"

"Well yea, Jazz music is one of the biggest reasons I play the saxophone, it my favorite genre" he said smiling at Logan.

"I see that what Jazz music sounds like, I like it"

"Oh and we are just starting, te tocare una bolero, it one of my favorite, Virgil.."

Strumming, slow and gentle playing just before the trumpet started playing play. A slow melody not to loud or low just perfect. He swayed with the rhythm of the song.

"Besame,

besame mucho

Como si fuera esta noche

la ultima vez,"

Romans voice, so soft and slow made Logan start swaying at the rhythm of the music.

"Wanna dance" Patton extended his hand which Logan accepted.

Swaying together with the trumpet and guitar in the background. He was starting to enjoy more and more all that he was doing.

"Besame, besame mucho

Que tengo miedo a perderte

Perderte después"

"So what ya think, still prefer common classical" Patton said still dancing with him.

"I mean classical is what i live for, but this is something new in a way, but I won't let classical go that fast" he said smiling and giving Patton a spin. Patton giggled and continued dancing.

And as they stopped dancing, Roman played the last note that concluded the song.

"I am very impressed Roman"Logan said. "Well it nothin-"" I cant believe you dont always play forte, I mean i am impressed" Logan said smiling at a annoyed Roman.

"Okay okay my turn, im gonna play more of a latin pop as you could say song" Virgil said connecting his guitar.

Latin pop? Logan though, now that was something he had barely heard of. And it was starting with a rapid pace, moving his fingers so quickly and yet made an astonish rhythm.

"Para bailar La Bamba

Para bailar La Bamba

Se necessita una poca de gracia

Una poca de gracia"

Virgil and Patton sang in unison.

Such genre, was so different and made you body just fill with adrenalin, an amazing feeling he had never felt before.

"I see someone is enjoy""well actually yes, this is turning out better than i expected, Roman i wasnt sure what type of music i was gonna hear today, i wasnt even that exited" Logan said looking at Roman.

"Well, I can't blame ya, i used to only play the same stuff over and over again, it was nice i guess but I didnt feel like i enjoyed it as much. When u found out about this genre, sin mentirte me encanto, i love it and decide from now on to keep discovering new music" Roman said.

"Remember Lo, don't stay in the same place forever, embrace yourself, open youre wing and find new thing that are awaiting you" Virgil said. Logan never notice when they stopped playin but he still had the rhythm of the song in repeat.

"But I don't have wings. I dont know where to start" Logan said.

"Hey Logie, remember one step at a time and everything will be okay. Plus will be here with you if you need us" Patton said smiling and hugging him.

"Say i do have one last song called Conga, would be pretty cool to play" Roman said looking at Virgil and Patton.

For Logan it seemed like they had talk telepathically because they all just grabbed their instrument and some papers.

"A one, two and one two.."

"PA DA DAM" was the first thing Logan heard coming from his rommates. Blasting like rhythm that was sure to make you move and dance. He wondered what this genre was called. He wanted to join the rhythm so bad but didnt known it on vio-

And thats when he saw it, the piano and there he had an idea. It was worth trying but he wanted to. He sat down in the piano and listen to the rhythm and notes they were playing. Breath in and breath out...

He began playing matching the speed and the song. His finger going fast, feeling the keys under his finger trying not to play them that hard.

"Well ill say.." Patton said looking in awe at Logan as he played.

"Well why stop, come on" Logan said as he kept playing, hearing Roman, Patton and Virgil join.

Logan was enjoy the moment, he never thought he would enjoy doing this and not actually practicing. He loved it actually, the rhythm, the velocity and everything from every song. Logan smiled as he looked at his roommate, who finally open his eyes to new music.

And Logan finally understood what the others meant.

"So Logan we were talking and we wanted to ask, would you like to koin are little band as we call it" Virgil said.

"Why not, I'd love too" Logan said being attacked by hugs from his .. friends, being attacked by his new friends.

#if you wanna listen to song the titles are in the story #sander side #musician au #logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #remy writes #patton little library

[lieblingspulli]

Yes Your Majesty

a/n: Ah! Here’s my self-indulgent story about how Paterson met his future wife (in my head they are a poet and a book store clerk/ keeper pair)! I love the idea of them properly meeting at a Halloween party or something really cute. Enjoy! I might make this a multi-chapter thing.  <3

wc: 1.9k 

Summary: Paterson finds that one cute woman from the bookstore and they have a fun time. Unknowingly meets his future wife. Fem(y/n)

Masterlist!

“I just feel like it’s a little overboard.” 

Paterson felt unsure about this whole situation. Just because he saw a cute bookstore clerk at the local store did not mean it was an invitation to be all gussied up and dramatic about it. Right? Yea, Halloween was time to dress up and all, but it seemed a little out of his element. Especially to draw attention from someone he had just met. 

“What? No. It’s perfect.”

“But… It’s… um, I don’t know. It stands out?”

“That’s the point. It’s supposed to draw attention.” 

Marie had invited herself to help Paterson get ready for tonight’s costume party at the bar after he mentioned meeting someone interesting at the store. After everything, he seemed a little less lonely when he talked to her and it felt nice for a change. That's at least what he told Marie one night. She thought it would be best to catch her attention, in a big way. Paterson did not like big ways. Or attention. Not anymore. He just wanted to be left alone to write and read with no distraction. That’s what he wanted so bad and it led him right to this clerk. 

“I still don’t know about this.” He looked incredulously at his costume then at Marie. This was not what he had in mind. He’d rather be on the couch writing poetry or reading a classic. Or rereading. That was totally fine too. Being at the bar on a night like this meant having to socialize and do friend stuff. It just didn’t feel right.

“It’s fine. You’ll be fine. It’s only for one night.” Says the girl who’s going as a witch, thought Paterson. He deeply inhaled and exhaled. Oh god, why did it never cease? He could turn back now. He could just say no. Right now, no. He could take everything off and just say, actually I don’t feel like it. Or, no thanks, you go on without me. It was so tempting to think about. This was uncomfortable and not even in Paterson’s range. It didn’t feel right. He could feel the anxiety of talking to someone new and he just wanted to crawl in bed. Paterson wished Marvin was still here to give him the excuse, aw no thanks, I actually have to take care of my sick dog. 

“I hope you’re satisfied with this.” 

Paterson immediately regretted the words that just tumbled out of his mouth. This was going to be a really long night. Are costume parties even long? How do people stay in costumes all night? Was he going to come home early enough to be in bed on time? What was he even thinking, he’s a grown man, bedtimes don’t even exist. This was more stressful than it had to be. 

“Thank you! I was hoping you would say yes.” 

“I’m still not so sure about it though.”

“Come on, let’s go before you change your mind.” Paterson gathered his keys and wallet before heading out with Marie and meeting up with another of her friends. He walked behind them. 

The whole walk over there, Paterson was a nervous wreck. He didn’t even know if she was going to be there. Again, Paterson just hated the prospect of being there. If he was her, he wouldn’t even bother. 

By the time they reached the front door, he was almost prepared for what the night had in store and by the guesses of it, no. He was not going to bed at a reasonable time. The whole bar was decorated with crazy orange pumpkins. There was an old couple handing out candy outside. They probably didn’t want to be in the middle of a crowded bar tonight. Maybe Doc asked them to. Children were passing by in their little mermaid costumes and Scream masks. Grown adults were walking in the bar in costumes that left little to the imagination. Paterson felt uneasy as he opened the door and walked into literal chaos. 

He had to close the door and walk back out to take a deep breath. This can’t be as hard as it seems. Not to a regular person. So it won’t be. Paterson frowned and walked back in with a little more confidence and observed the surroundings. 

Doc’s bar had transformed into a haunted buffet with themed food and drinks. It was a bar after all, so there were martinis with eyeballs, beer served in skeleton cups and shot jellos the color of blood. How amusing. The lights changed colors from red, to green and then blue. Everyone seemed to be dancing already and having a blast. There were a couple of people sitting at the actual bar, the rest were up and at it. 

Paterson suddenly didn’t feel as self-conscious anymore because here he was in the middle of a very large group of people dressed as ghouls and goblins. It was almost like living in Halloweentown. God he loved that movie. 

As he sat down at the quite possibly furthest seat from all the action (which was really hard because the bar itself was tiny) Paterson picked up a skeleton head and checked it. Just in case. He took a sip and deemed it okay because this was Doc’s bar after all and everyone here had to be over college age. The barley taste soothed his palette as he smiled when a mummy sat next to him and ate an eyeball. He nodded and the mummy nodded back. 

He had lost Marie and the others almost instantaneously when they walked in so it was only him. Me, myself, and I, Paterson thought. As usual. 

Paterson knew he couldn’t keep drinking when he finished this cup so now was big decision time. He also knew everyone was in costumes so his so-called “mission” as dubbed by Marie, was probably getting thrown out the window. How could he possibly know who the clerk was? He didn’t even know her name. That made Paterson look down in a sort of shame. Here he was trying to find this woman, he didn’t know anything about her except that she worked at the Lovegood Bookstore on the corner of Maple and Monroe avenue. In the middle of a costume party, that was worth less than a dust bunny.

 Paterson frowned deeply and downed the last of his beer. Maybe this was kind of useless and embarrassing. If he left now, no one would notice. No one would say, “Hey Paterson! Where are you going? Gonna miss all the fun?” No one would care. He wasn’t going to dance anyway. A tall, lanky man like him couldn’t dance, even if he tried. As Paterson made the mental decision to just leave the party, someone tapped him on the shoulder. He looked up. 

“Hey! Aren’t you that guy I saw the other day at my store?” The stranger giggled and kept her hand on his shoulder. Paterson blinked. 

He managed to stammer out, “Hey, maybe.” It was the best he could do, she was all giggly and probably drunk. Ah, a drunk red queen of hearts. Magnificent. “It looks like the mad hatter could use a madly good time! Drink?” 

The red queen giggled as Paterson smiled and hesitantly took the cup, being careful to not offend her by not drinking out of it. He answered dramatically, “Thank you, your majesty.” Paterson laughed at his own Alice in Wonderland reference. He duly noted not to do that again in front of a girl. She started to laugh uncontrollably at his reference. She understood it? Surprisingly she remembered it in all her glorious drunk state. Her red heart lipstick was kind of smudged from drinking. 

“Well if my mad hatter won’t be mad about the drink at least tell me your name.” She sat in the stool next to him. Paterson’s brain started to swim, this was overwhelming. He smiled and kindly answered in a really bad British accent, “Paterson, at your majesty’s request.” She giggled and huffed a fake breath. 

“I could never say off with your head, let’s dance shall we?” She was getting smooth with the references. “Wait.” Paterson mentally kicked himself. Wait? What was he gonna ask her? Something deep? Jesus man. 

The red queen swiveled around from her already starting position and stared at him with a smile. She waited for a reply. 

Out with it Paterson, you got this. “I don’t even know your name.” 

“You don’t remember me? Im (y/n), from the bookstore.” 

The bookstore? The bookstore! This was she.

She didn't seem offended but Paterson still felt bad for not remembering. He put his hands over his chest and tipped his fake hat. “Forgive me (y/n). How could I forget such a face.” He practically had to shout. Paterson felt strangely more confident in this costume and it was purely a large coincidence that she was matching with him. The irony. (Y/n) took his hand so fast that Paterson barely had time to put his cup down. 

He felt suddenly so much better and blamed it on the amount of beers he had drank before the queen had whisked him away. 

They spent what felt like hours dancing and every once in a while, they would take a break. A drinking break. But only for her, he still had to get home on his own. Marie had her friends. He didn’t. Throughout the course of the night his hat had been shed somewhere and her shoes for whatever reason were lost. Paterson hoped she had an extra pair. 

It was almost two in the morning when the party decided to die down and wither away. Paterson almost felt bad that the whole ordeal had to end. Contrary to how his night had started, he actually felt weightless, like all his fears had walked away with the rest of the trick-or-treaters. It felt good. Uplifting. 

As people filed out the door, Paterson helped (y/n) sit at a table and he asked a very tired Doc for a glass of water. She drank three. 

“Thank you.” The frazzled and very drunk red queen croaked. Paterson offered her more water and a napkin for her makeup. He stared at her as she wiped it mostly off. 

“Do you have any friends that can take you home? Anyone you came with?” Paterson folded his hands over the hat on his lap slightly concerned. The red queen wiped her tired eyes and then they widened. “My friends. Oh gosh I left them!” She frantically looked around but everyone was pretty much gone except for the occasional drunk, doc and the pair. 

Paterson gave her a sympathetic look. “It seems like they’ve left you.” He grabbed the napkins and threw them away. “Do you need me to walk you home? Do you live far?” He checked his watch and deemed it ungentlemanly if he didn’t walk her home. 

She blinked and cracked a smile. “Why thank you kind sir. I would like that very much.” 

Paterson smiled too and thanked whatever god was out there that she wasn’t the type to argue about being walked home. He didn’t want anything to happen to her. 

“Well then, my Red Queen of hearts. Shall we go?” He got up, offered his hand and looked at doc for a split second. Doc just smiled and tipped his hat. 

The red queen just blushed and took his hand. “Lead on Mad hatter.” Paterson really liked this outcome of the night. It sure beats being a mad hatter alone. 

#paterson #adamdriver #halloween #inapril #costumeparty #clydelogan #kyloren #pat is the mad hatter #fluff #introductions #how i meet your mother basically

[jambud-universe]

   Hey, so I know I’m gonna be talking about a sensitive subject with this, and i know it might start some controversy stuff, but i’ve been holding this in for a year now or so and i just really had to get it out. I do not intend to offend anyone, i just would like to be heard out if thats okay.

  I should start this out with my drawing, and steven and connie’s relationship.  Steven and Connie’s relationship is heterosexual, or at least heteroromantic since they’re not at the age for intimacy yet (Connverse is basically canon so i think its safe to say they have a relationship). Now, I,myself am a straight girl, so i guess it’d be obvious i have a better interest in straight relationships over queer ones. But do i only like connverse because it’s a hetero ship? of course not! I like steven and connie for how they are together and alone. They’re both well written characters,and have a great connection with eachother. Pretty much in the beginning, it started out as steven having a crush on connie and didn’t know how to talk to her,but eventually they started a true and wonderful friendship together, as well as developing a cute romance once they got to know eachother better. They’re both just two young people who feel innocent and blissful when they’re singing or dancing or just hanging out together. I can go on with more examples,but if you’re a connverse shipper you should know what im talking about.

    So, about the drawing. It’s in black in white,which are the colors of the straight flag (im not sure if its official or not). Which might be taken as a micro-aggression against the gay flag,but i dont see it that way. I see it as a symbol of the Yin-Yang sign (which i’ve always seemed to have an interest in). Since the (Yin) black side represents women,the moon,calmness, and submissiveness. And the (Yang) white side represents men,the sun,pride, and dominance. Together they stand for the power of two different forces, and how they complement eachother,yet are so different. Bringing a unique balance to the world (or relationship).  I think steven and connie’s relationship is a really important example of heterosexual relationships, especially in this day and age since its really hard to see a relationship in the media that isn’t just based on attraction and not actual chemistry.

     I think it’s important since the show has two different relationships that are pretty similar, steven and connie which are straight, and ruby and sapphire which are gay. I think i like it for displaying both relationships with a fair amount of ups and downs, with the love thats obviously there. I like the idea of portraying both gay and straight people equally because, they are. Who you are as a person shouldn’t be judged on your sexuality, but people should like you for who you are as an individual. The show displays both straight and gay relationship in a normal and healthy way, and i really like that.

   So this is kinda where it gets personal about me, so i do not mean to hurt anyone if i say something wrong. I wasn’t always straight (believe it or not) when i was like 5 i remember equally considering the possibilities of being in a relationship with both boys and girls, hell i even remember having the mindset that if two guys get together,they have a son,and if two girls get together they have a daughter,and a guy and a girl could have either. When i was around middle school or so i never really felt attracted to anyone (my anxiety keeps me away from people anyways) so i was aromantic but i felt more comfortable considering myself straight and not queer, since i didnt feel like i needed to group myself, and it wasnt a big transition or anything, thats just how it was i guess. I’m just straight now since my now boyfriend (who i love with all my heart,and basically have a relationship like connverse with him) admitted he liked me and i just said “fuck it, you’re nice so i’d like to see where this goes”.  All this stuff has been simple to me, and it never felt like a big transition to me really.

What motivated me to speak out now is that originally, i wanted to see if there was some straight appreciation, or gay-straight alliance day where i can post this, but all i got where tweets and posts just saying some really offensive stuff. I saw this one thing posted (as a joke) talking about a terrorist attack (or something similar) in a gay bar with the tag “happy heterosexual pride day”. Which, is just repulsive, basically calling everyone confident about being straight a terrorist, making a joke out of it, and taking a horrible tragedy of people dying as a joke to make instead of doing something positive for those in the community who were hurt. For years now, i’ve seen posts passively joking and stereotyping straight people,which for one is insulting an entire group of people for their sexuality, and thats just kinda ironic since im sure gay jokes are offensive, i find them offensive too. And then right after they make posts like this they say shit like “heterophobia doesn’t exist” which really ticks me off since that in itself is an example of people thinking “or you’re straight so you don’t face any hardships in the world and have a perfect relationship with your family and are healthy and not misunderstood in any other way”  i’ve seen this shit a lot, and i’m mentally disabled,i’ve been abused by my family physically,mentally and sexually, i guess its just ironic to me,though its not noticed as much but straight people still get shit at them and blamed for things they didnt do. And hell,i waited a year,and i still feel bad just saying how i feel.Maybe its just a personal thing and all im doing is finding some shit to rant about because im an asshole,if you want, you can minimize my feelings to that.  I know hardly anyone would hear me out,let alone understand.

I’m not saying there should be a straight pride day,since that’d be pointless, but i’d like a straight-gay appreciation thing, because both sides have people who are innocent and would like to seek equality. I just believe that would help seek past conflict, and maybe calm down some aggression in some way. I know the queer community has been through a lot and is still struggling, and while that is awful, that doesnt mean every straight person is homophobic or rude, though i know a lot of people these days are and i believe it will get better in the future and hope people of any sexuality will be equal.

Again, i didn’t mean any offense to anyone, and if you’re queer and made it this far, i hope your life gets better if you’re going through any struggles, same goes to anyone reading this who needs some cheering up. the last thing i want to do is hurt anyone.  you’ve been really kind to have read this far in my nonsense,and for that, i respect you for listening to me.💜

#violet draws #violet speaks #personal #long rant #i was really sick writing this and i vomited and passed out halfway through. 2 hours later i just finished it! so go me for finishing this

[deythbanger]

It's Not A Happy (Part 2)

By DeYtH Banger Note: Finally I am going to finish the story… it's time! … I don't know from where to start gender male,white skin… I hate comedy… I hate going out.. A killer come and has shooten a bitch.. This line sucks and I as a writer suck! It's not a happy story, if you are looking for such one you got the wrong section ... brand the writer. Just give a thought, I have pleny of time… so here is what I can tell you the story ends with me shooting myself right in the head, end of procrastination… end of laziness. So far I am lazy snob, mentally fucked up, I can't go out and I have guns… I like to play with holes. But still I don't know how to start how to shape a story, I don't know how to say it… I AM NOT LIEING… I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY IT It's a comedy or something funny, my name is David and the story goes around "Red Velvet Girl", it bothers me around, it's not like the Dexter TV show in which he cuts of pieces in each season humans are exposed like piece of meat, chunks of meat… he takes blood splatter and that's his trophy, easy story and easy to get. Then we go to R.L. Stine it starts with boring day… until.. a sudden chill… thrill comes and then the characters find their journey into a end comming. Stephen King when you start reading books written by this creature from hell… he fucking grabs you on the neck.. palms… he makes to shake while you are confused on "what that line means?", "what does that mean?"… It's total unease… Still I don't know how to say it… I know what happen, it's definetly my fault, I can't sleep… I can't eat.. I can't go out… I can't go and do casual stuff, my life has reached it's pin point of hardness, if it's comedy you throw lines abd tell stuff … then you "size it up", which means you become the big deal… then you go with motto fuck the big deal. Here is what happen… I think I can say what happen.. I was sleeping one night until I wake up from the noises from other room, the other room was a near room… roaring shit… my mom had gone insane… my grandmother and grandfather were beating each other as for my father he was in the kitchen. Blood on the floor, smell from his smelling dead body and it started melt,... just to stand with the point it had nothing to do with him, I didn't told him to come and shoot himself... I didn't told him that, if somebody is here to blame it's the noises from the room once silence does not appear other type of alternatives come and open doors, the gun in his hands… mouth open and blooding gashing from his mouth, head… my dog barking and as for me screamming. PROBABLY YOU GOT THE SYMPHONY, right here… of you are killer and you have descipline weak mind... terror, won't happen.. but to me it happen. I went in the room and created the most empty space silence… by me grabbing the weapon and shooting my mom… my grandmotger and my grandfather. After a moment it felt great, it was like the best bright day I ever had and will have, free from trauma, from average mindset, from fucked up complaining about work, life, money. The last topics I hate them! Better off to put a rope around a dog and throw somebody from the window, than to listen to a some kinda bitchy shield attitude toward life. Life is short, the amount you get in the end is not fair, I definetly raped a girl… it was't my daughter… it was nobody… Look people if it's my daughter it gets personal. The one of the rules of killing is depersonalize from people which you have killed, it lowers guilt levels. From psychology stand point it's fucking damn right as bright as bright early sunny beach. My mom was a bitch that's why I killed her... okay… okay probably I was wrong, probably it was the most bad idea ever come to my mind, killing my mom… first of all I am number one suspect and with raping shit, probably I am on the list and people are hunting me down.. searching me.. and how the fuck do you dispose a dead body!? Am I only fucked up? Dear reader, tell me... tell me that you have nights in which you feel like to rape and kill... and to molest and to slaughter people and to cut... and to shoot people... just tell me... My body is weak and my mind is buffering... it's like a black and whited glitched tv... it's bugged... I am mentally screw it up, the last thing which I want on the list is somebody telling me that I did wrong... them more I rationalize the more I fucked up, I get... so close the window... continue and please promise to don't judge me... I did a conffesion... I did it for my own good... but still it makes me selfish... or am I? That's how life goes it starts and it ends… my mom life ended with sudden flash as for others… people it just happen… it was chain reaction. Guilt level start pumping in ….. and out… in ….. and out… in ….. and out… in ….. and out… in ….. and out… in ….. and out… in ….. and out… in ….. and out… in ….. and out… in ….. and out… in ….. and out… in ….. and out… it was an anxiety... it was a deep oven... inside me... at first it was great... then it felt bad... it felt like a hangover... it was awful that I need to deal with being less suspicious, to clean up the scene and get together my life… this shit is just too much… If I try to kill myself, it''s a bad idea… one sperm loses capacity to reproduce, probably I am going to get it wrong… That's why I need to throw myself on the rail tracks… that's how it's going to happen… A train goes over my body… then on television I am going to be a superstar and after a period I am on the wall of "Shame On You". I gave a second thought, why not to get some kinda virus from sex... and now really it's again a bad a idea... to go and to suffer because of reproduction... what.. if somebody shoots me ... or somedy kills me... still a deep inner suffering is going to come to action... give a thought... all negative action by itself are self-destructive and self... screwing up... that you don't see.. it doesn't mean you don't feel!.... "Oh… hey David How are you?" - He said "Larry, how far did you got with this questions?" - I said "What?" - He said I hate this people walking outside looks like their shit is together, got a home… got a wife, family. Have where to sleep eat and even to work. It makes me to hate myself… but still the dead bodies… how about this… what the hell am I going to with them. How about throwing myself out of a bridge, I won't get married so it's not far… I hate fat people … I hate and Larry to be honest… If I kill myself, I need to leave a note as a reason… as "why"… "main reason…", "Motivation by which I was drive to this sudden  action"… How about fuck you?… This looks great, I am carefree and Ibdon't give a fuck… mode… I hate letters when I start giving a thought… I am thinking better off being alive, dieing is to hard it reminds for homework… I hate it! "Eh… schmuck … eh.. David" - He said "What now, Johnson?.. what do you want?"-  I said "I am here to fuck with you" - He Said Oh god… save me from this disgusting guy… he is always fucking with me… I am going to skip the other shame tactics.. and go to my next location, why nobody goes to bar and thinks about sex from rape method? Was it a punchline? Was it a good line? Is it funny? I think it sucks.. so does you!? But let me tell you something about the Red Velvet girl it was in the night, she was walking, almost naked… she was definetly a hot stripper, blonde hair, white and not touched face and body. From distance her looks were fooling pleny of people, a mouth full ways to break a man hearth and why does she have a privillige to fuck around with males with man, who allows her? I saw her and I went … to her… it was a sudden chat… fast one… gazing in the eyes then pulling her and putting her in my car while I mumble some shitty stuff which make her mind feel busy… okay you got me here.. I am not a talkative person.. I am not dominant that's why I went to a strip tease bar .. killed the security after entering the bar and I said "LET THE FUN BEGIN" I put a weapon right im the head of the blonde bitch and I said "You suck… my dick right now.." "No…" - she said "Look bitch I am not joking…" - I said Then shooted one stripper and while she was getting to lose concious… I open her mouth and I put my dick inside it.. "Bitches… moves" - I said "Stop… … okay… I am going to do it" - she said I pulled her .. stripped off her and I started fucking her… once… twice… mouth.. ass Mouth.. in out and in and out ... in and out Her eyes were full of tears she was screaming… I was loving the process, what more complimentary than raping precious mother nature? As most people say... "love the process"... yeah I love it... if I didn't love it... won't be here... saying something for which I am proud! "Stay still bitch… I am here to fuck.. okay… Your pain is your problem." -  I said I hate when people move what's wrong with them.. she did it one more time movement as for slightly tired and wasted… I looked her in tge eyes.. I spit on her face and then chocked her and I said "No more rejections to sell" But it worries few dead bodies at home and probably right now you gonna call the police it's like I am killing the president.. few more here bodies and I am totally fucked up. I grabbed and pulled in more girl, she was easy.. to get to… and to start the make out… She was good until I decided to pull the gun out and shoot her in the head. "Bitch… dices lie…" - I said Why did I do so wrong? Mhm… how about like no reason at all … guilt levels is up.. I am going definetly on the executing chair so why not to have fun… the other people were staring at me… there were around 20 more strippers and as for me I was with open mouth and a smile and before I decided to continue … I said "Let's have fun, shall we?"