#im going to bed but i cant find it

[obsob]

oooooooooough i love you i love you i love you!!!! hand in loving hand !!!!!!

#mine #cats #i was like losing it over th colouring yesterday like this SUCKS and then looked at it 2day n was like. anyway #ive been unstoppable since ive figured out how 2 do glowy things #me n my partner went ice skating this evening !! so so fun #i love how girls will just peacefully hang out in the centre ice doing spins n boys will fast and furious skate around at 100mph #like we dont need to be doing all that #as soon as i see a boy w hockey skates enter the ice i am now leaving the ice #anyway....i got a slightly dubious fantasy audiobook 2day we will....see...how it is #whenever i read a fantasy book written by a man my hackles are up i am scenting the air i am growling #have i finished assassins fate u ask.....no :3 #its been sitting at 30% for like 4 months i cant bring myself 2 read more KJBDSSK #there is like so much book left. so much that can go wrong #i will finish it soon i prommy i prommy...n then listen 2 th tawny man audiobooks :3 #ngl this fitz n fool trilogy isnt super doing it 4 me im not finding it as Invigorating for sm reason #still good !! but def my least fave of th three trilogies #anyway. i am going 2 bed

[lover-of-mine]

Me shining the clown shoes watching Oliver say it's a season of self discovery for Buck and that he's really trying to break the cycle as if Oliver doesn't say this every season lol 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

#is he gonna find out he needs to love himself #then figure out hes in love with his best friend? #911 abc #911 #thoughts thoughts thoughts #im going to bed i cant do this anymore

[ganondoodle]

i kept trying to draw anything, literally anything but i feel like the little package of skill i have build myself just fell and scattered across the floor, anytime i try to grab ahold of a piece of it it slips through my fingers like wet soap

on days like these i wish i had been smart enough to be anything else but a mediocre artist, but im not, im not even smart enough to be decent at the only thing i call myself to be able to do, im never going to be able to draw like i want to and i struggle to make peace with it

#ganondoodles talks #i hate hate hate feeling like this #this ... utterly helpless worthlessness #the world is shit and turnign shittier by the second and i cant even find refuge in the one thing i can do #i know i know dont trust what you are feeling after 9 pm bla bla #i have had ups an downs but this far i havent fallen in a long time #i am nothing without art #and i cant even do that #however much it doesnt matter anyway #i feel like i am mentally starving #i know this feeling will pass #but i still feel it right now #i feel like im being ungrateful towards the many people that have answered my previous post too bc i couldnt even do a single silly little- #-thing #i cant even put into words what it feels like #overstimulated brain explode egotistical feeling of worthlessness in a world that doesnt care about human life or creativity #meaningless #im going to bed and will be embarrassed about this when i wake up #but it still feels so very real right now #wasting time and tears

[oatbugs]

Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship

#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it #it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper #provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the #interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after #50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked #his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it #he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from #when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has #his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever #but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how #we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe #cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna #back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed #practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence #we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one #who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted #to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say #goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art. #you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea? #if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa #the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding #his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.

[dimonds456]

thinking about freehoun so bad tonight oughhhhhhhhhhhh

#i wanna draw it so bad but i need to eat and then go to bed #like- just the idea of the rescas. barney sees gordon being dragged away and is forced to leave him #and even though he knows gordon lived- he defeated the nihlanth after all- he's still never going to see him again #the vorts say he's alive- they INSIST he's alive- but he'd still be on xen with no way to get back #and then barney just exists selflessly trying to help the resistance for 20 years #every so often he hears about gordon coming back one day and fuck he wants to believe that but he just *cant* #until he sees him at the train station #holy shit. it's him. and he hasn't aged a damn day. #barney can't even properly reunite because they would get caught and killed #so he calls issac and sends gordon on his way trying so so so hard to pokerface for the rest of his shift #when he gets back he only finds out gordon is on the run and in danger #and he cant do shit to help him #and when gordon gets to black mesa east barney isn't even there #all that- all of half life 2- and they can't properly reunite #and then the citadel explodes #man. he would ABSOLUTELY think gordon was just fucking killed then. #and when he STILL survives... just. imagine this with me. #im ill. i am so very very ill #freehoun #half life #dimond speaks

[love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward]

everytime i take a tiny triangle out of the cake i made my brother comes in and cuts off a trapezium, making the cut a single clean line. it would be vaguely funny but like i made the thing and like could he not eat it all without leaving some for me

#rant #i guess #it really fucking annoys me how i have to cut off my share in everything that comes in this house ever #like always stay on alert for your food and stash away your share or its gonna be gone by morning #i dont even know why its making me frustrated enough to cry #its just. nice good food has always been a treat and motivator for me and my brother has a habit of always grabbing my share too #it sounds so silly out of context but like. ive had a lifetime of going through a bad tiring day with nothing to look forward to but #a nap and something i like to eat. and always opening the fridge to an empty container #or worse the box is there but then i get in bed with a book and open the damn thing to find half a spoonful inside. #it would be annoying once or twice but its just. all the fucking time. #i hate this survivalistic shit #its not long before i move out thank god but still #he always did it when i was young and my mom hardly ever said anything #like now if i want i can get myself some treats but when i was younger i didnt have much choice. #i havent had the time to bake in two years and prep plus baking the layer cake took two days. i put so much work in it. #and he ate half of it by the time i came back from fucking peeing. i cant even say anything because he gets fucking angry and aggressive #at the drop of a hat so im. crying in my room about it. look my feelings are not as drownable and consuming now. i generally dont #let things like that affect me too much. but i feel so young again and like the entire world is so unfair. i don't know #writing my feelings out on a tumblr blog is so much better than journalling they should recommend this shit in therapy

[n7punk]

a techie i know got me the orient express for christmas and it's so fucking sexy i know 0 things about trains but goddamn do i love them so much it's definitely going up there in top 5

#the lego set. i mean. if you don't have every lego set memorized #i need to ride a fucking train again so i remember even the basics of them i haven't done it since i lived in ny #i wanna go on that trains that spans america so bad but im not near any of its stops #mylife #also when building it a full ass bag just. fell under my bed and i lost it and i was Convinced they forgot to put in half the wheels #for like a full 30 minutes. it was ridiculous. i started cleaning trying to find it. cleaning! #UNRELATED but im mourning the coliseum so bad. i never got the money to buy it and i never really thought i would #but that didn't stop me from wanting it so bad. i love the architecture sets #i didnt have anywhere to put it but that DOESN'T MATTER i cant believe they got rid of it #did i mention train au. i have no plot yet but. trains

[kirishwima]

good will amongst coworkers dont fail me now

#am i in the wrong for trying to find someone to take over my shift last minute? yes #am i doing it bc im in bed w a fever and cant exactly man a 24 hour shift today? also yes #the way things are going it seems ill have to just take any and all meds i can and push through though. wonderful #burrito talks #delete later

[risingsunresistance]

it's 2023 and drm is asserting boundaries against nsfw and truthing/shipping. how did we get here from 2020

#overall im glad the video was made. i still have a doubt on one thing #i wish his account where he posts actual stuff wasnt private i cant find this one tweet im looking for bc it was someone else's screenshot #and idk where they went so i have no way of confirming this tweet augh #but regardless. there are other things i wish he had addressed. but i guess they werent serious enough for this video #but then again he addressed a few things that were trivial in the scope of the topic lol #so idk :/ there were a few things i thought he wouldnt bring up that he actually did tho #was nice to have clarification on those #still not a big fan of his im just glad to hear that at least some of those things werent true #still need to come to my own conclusion on one thing i need to find something first tho #again. i'd rather him just be someone i dont like than to be someone who hurts other people #chat #i need to go to bed but i wanna dig around so bad... #but i work tomorrow i should like. be productive KJGHF

[soldier-poet-king]

I love my Nonna dearly but I also just got my first real "here's how you should find a man" advice so truly 2023 IS my Charlotte Lucas year

To be fair, I'll give them credit, this is one of the first times my family has pulled this shit on me. I suppose my "I'm too busy focusing on school" excuse that I used through all 8 years of undergrad and grad school doesn't really work now that I've been working full-time for a year. And she also didn't bring it up in front of everyone or out of the blue, it came up because we had been discussing how insane my motherhas been about babies lately and my Nonna said "oh it's BC she's waiting for grandkids"

And like??? Just because my mother got married and had kids by my age (which may have been the right decision for her, this isn't judging even if I think her life went to shit bc of it) doesn't mean it's the right decision for ME

In fact, it is the ABSOLUTE WRONG decision for me. Theres a whole long list of reasons why I'm not getting married + or having children, including but not limited to: the trauma of my parents marriage and my childhood, my own ongoing health stuff, the whole religious queer anxiety guilt complex I've got going, the fact that if I were to get pregnant the resulting mental health crisis and dysphoria would undoubtedly make me *** y'know not soemthing that is frequently a source of nightmares for me or anything, my inability to take care of myself let alone CHILDREN, and the anxiety of raising children religious when I don't even know wtf is going on with me, CHILDREN??? IN THIS ECONOMY????

Ofc I can't exactly say any of this to my Nonna who, while incredibly sweet and loving and Good, is also like. Not at all exposed to these concepts and would probably freak out if I was like hello yes I am a big fat queer and I rlly hate the concept of gender and societal ideas of womanhood :) it also doesn't help that rlly the only single, middle aged woman my Nonna knows is this lady who works at the church who is DEFINITELY a badly closeted lesbian but also she's super fuckin mean and condescending and no one likes her BC she's a bitch, on top of the whole being a badly closeted lesbian in a conservative heteronormative religious environment

Like even IF I were to get licitly Catholic married to a man. You wanna find one for me??? My Nonna was like "go to church more to find a man" HELLO??? WHERE??I GO TO MASS EVERY WEEK?? Every religious man I know irl is a radtrad women can't wear pants type or is a manchild. Even if I COULD find a normal man, he'd have to get real cool about some stuff real quick. In that forever dilemma of too leftist queer for the religious and too religious for the leftist queers. (Obvs your partner doesn't have to be your duplicate but I'm like. Generally being on the same page. The same BALLPARK. is probably conducive to having a healthy relationship, y'know?)

Besides a significant part of my having 0 social life is because I am living in my parents basement which is in a shitty not-a-suburb of mostly immigrant families with youngish kids or super old folks from when the neighborhood was built, so it's poor and run down but also super fuckin far from anything To Do, so it's the WORST of both worlds of urban sprawl. And I have no car. And I already spend 2.5 hrs a day commuting for work. And I'm chronically tired. And joining a fencing club or taking art class or whatever costs MONEY y'know the thing I'm trying to SAVE by living in this hell place???? She literally said in the same convo "live here as long as possible to save money" like??? YOU CANT HAVE UR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO as long as I'm living here I'm NOT going out and meeting ppl BC there is literally Nowhere To Go. Big box stores like Walmart? Yet another strip mall? The highway??? THIS IS SOULLESS HELL of neither nature NOR accessible city amenities

And anyway, I would rather be in a long term marriage for tax benefits relationship anyway. Not platonic, not romantic, but a secret third thing (jk but also serious). Like. Mutual devotion that blurs the lines and transcends labels. It could be completely chaste. It could not be. It's not a dealbreaker really. It's about trust and devotion and companionship and love. But also I'm insane and I KNOW how insane and obsessive I sound, and society prioritizes nuclear family relationships and not the weird ass shit I crave, and I feel too much too fast and would ruin any relationship I had even if I WERE to somehow find someone who prioritizes those things too

So like. It's fine. Most days (not all ofc, but I'm trying) I'm okay with this and being on my own and learning to cultivate my own peace and Goodness and I know who I am and what I believe and what I trust to be Good and I'm working toward that and I'm not sacrificing it for anything. But also. Can you give a bitch a break. Please. I'm so fkin tired

#franposting #my bday isnt even til JUNE #im going to bitch anyway #im genuinely really upset but part of that is bc my headache has come back #and its worse than ever #i might cry but my head already hurts too much #i got really good news at work and only the men in my family made a big deal #the women were just. meh. and ofc none of them have careers so why should ot be important to me? #as the only granddaughter ofc :)))) #i am going. to crawl into bed. hair washed. lavender candle on. #do a lil meal planning. and then read or maybe just sleep. #tmrws goals after church are gym and grocery shopping before dnd #have to make my body hurt so much i cant think again #ofc bro 1 has claimed the car. so maybe i cant go #god. gos. i fuckin need to get out of here #but i literally cannot afford even studio apt rent in the city #and moving to one of the boroughs doesnt gwt me any closer to anything esp without a car #literally. just like. fuckin kill me #or find me a decently paid not soul killing job in a smaller city or even a town #where i could have a garden #or a porch swing. sit in. the sunlight

[acaesic]

guys they have the snipers are trained on me for saying this but the next song is going to be spkothdvl—💥💥💥🔫🔫

#idkhow #ough💥💥💥💥 this is the end guys……. #im sorry. its 1am and i was ready to be asleep at 9:30 #i think the sleep demons are taking me now #IM NOT CRAZY! theorize with me for a second here. #WHAT LOVE had an alternative release. i think. i cant find the picture. AND SO DID SPKOTHDVL. I REMEMBER THIS CLEAR AS DAY. #so it can only be assumed that spkothdvl comes out next right?? unless im just jumping to ridiculous conclusions in which case #i got nothing #i have doubts that itll be infatuation for some reason. idk the fact that its dallons favourite kind of pushes it away #from the realm of possibility to me. dallon is a very patient person so i doubt theyd be quick to shove their favourite song out like that. #ALL SPECULATION. IF IM WRONG IM WRONG! WE WILL FIND OUT NEXT WEEK. AND THEN THE ALBUM #AAH OKAY WHILE IM TALKING. IM SO FUCCKJNINH EXCITED TO HEAR DOWNSIDE ON VINYL. IDK WHY #AND WHAT LOVE. I THINK THEYLL JUST BOTH SOUND PERFECT ON VINYL. sorry im done now im going to bed #just needed to get my ridiculous theories out there #IM TELLING YOU GUYS. ITS GONNA BE SPKOTHDVL #UNLESS IT WONT BE. #IM SLEEPING NOW GOODNIGHT #chase said something alright

[ff2-soda-pop]

I'm starting to question if I should even bother with the stupid paper.... I'm probably just gonna fail anyways lmao

#ive been running around stuck on Babysitter Duty for the past three days and the teacher only gave us any instructions on thursday yet #somehow expected a full paper done and edited by sunday. even if i wasnt stuck on babysitter duty she'd get a shitty paper just due to how #little TIME that is to get things done. but because i am on babysitter duty uhhh..... well so far there's no paper #ive been spending practically full days having to take care of my sister and i cant just Ignore Her so i havent done my paper while watchin #her because again: my focus needs to be on Her. and shes incredibly loud which makes it super hard to focus. fun combo /s #so i was like 'i'll just stay up Really Late and do it then' but that hasn't worked because my sister WONT GO TO BED if im awake. i was up #until 4am last night hoping she'd fall asleep and shut up and i could work but Nope! #and then i got too tired to even care anymore #i've tried explaining this to others and they're just like 'ok well you just need to find a way to make it work :/' which is very much #easier said than done! and im scared about this paper because this teacher doesnt accept late work at all for pretty much any reason #and im sure she wont understand my situation. because shes also the teacher that didnt understand that i didnt have the textbook on time #because it was still being shipped and i dont control the rate at which book ships and she was like #'..........okay well you still need to have the book by tomorrow at least <3' when i told her the book had Just shipped and idk when i'd ge #the dumb thing. so yknow i dont have high hopes about this #also just as extra 'make stuff more difficult' i have zero accommodations because my mom cant keep track of my fucking IEPs and they wont #let me have accommodations unless i have that and idk how to get a copy anymore. so i've also been running around with no help in that area #and it's not great </3 #idk im just stressed out and frustrated and i Want To Cry :) #vent

[thatfizzyyyy]

man i hope everything blows up

#oops im rambling #i dont want to finish packing:( #i cant find 1 article of clothing that i need #well i dont need it but i want it #i cant even go to sleep bc my bed isnt made + its covered in clothes #man... man.... #blinking away tears

[4giorno]

i got the cutscene <3

#its actually crazy that there was even more content i missed that impacted the story this much #like this rlly illustrated how even tho my character and astari0n have both become better people astari0n is still so behind in that #(we know why ofc. hes still acting like a feral cat trying to self preservere with teeth and nail and all until the very end; the ritual) #my character had his most obvious 'shifting point' at the transition from act 2 to act 3 #like he fully realized that this is now truly bigger than himself. he has left marks on the lands and he has to go all the way #he has made true friends. one of his best friends is the kindest most compassionate person in the world #and very importantly he loves astari0n and THAT is the reason he now feels this actual compassion towards the other spawn #hes so personally invested in this issue now #and he can say that 'the world can be a wonderful place if you find your home in it astari0n' bc its something he has just recently had #a personal revelation abt #and astari0n deflects it and describes my character as someone who now 'spends their life sorting out other peoples problems' #and it rlly brings it to focus that he just cannot meet him where hes at anymore #just great conflict that feels actually meaningful and perfectly fits into the roleplay storyline ive made for my character #and omg the line 'im doing this for you too you know. to make sure were both safe. forever' from astari0n is just AAAAAAHDJJDJD. CRAZY #bc we know how toxic he becomes towards you if he completes the ritual!!!!!! #HHHHH this character!!!!! hes just MWAH. perfection #i cant wait until i get to doing the szarr palace again bc this added conflict will make the conclusion of this quest even more satisfying #anyway TOTAL tonal shift time. in start of the cutscene astari0n is standing next to the bed my character was sleeping in #so i can now have the hc that some nights they sleep in the same bed <3 #(WELL. you know. my character sleeps while he meditates)

[mushroomslovesyou]

#local58 #local 58 #analog horror #kris straub #link in reblogs if yall cant find it #i very much enjoyed this #and apparently we wont have to wait a year for a follow up! #im also looking forward to rewatching with headphones #(me and the roommate watched together before bed) #and seeing what the madlads on the subreddit discover #if you haven't seen the video yet go watch! #i feel like theres a lot of connections to be made with show for children

[tripthelightfandomtastic]

did Hannah delete her instagram 🧍🏼

Oh????

#im just now going to bed wtf? i cant find it??? #omg someone tell me im going to bed im sick #my asks #the hamburglar #gvf #greta van fleet