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enchongmio · 3 years

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Noah to my Allie .

The Notebook.

That movie soo reminded me of You and how crazy the ride was, i had with you.

We would be too extreme Remember those fights in the car ? Looking back i dont know how embarrassing it was but boy how you just didn't care.

Few ones i vividly remember ...

that fight in glorietta we were in the car and fighting. I couldnt bear fighting and everyone is looking and told u to stop as ur car is not tinted and its so embarrassing. U exclaimed " ah nakakahiya ok we go somewhere no one can see us. .. started the car and i didnt know how fast the car went. I was sooo scared as i felt like the car would fall off skyway. But i didn't wanna show u i was scared. I pretended to be cool and didn't care.

We ended up in Laguna, where it was so dark .. i think that place now is where Nuvali is. You got off the car, u beg to talk and all the drama begins. That was such a scary time. I felt so scared of you yet i know i can't still let u go.

Another one was when we're in El Pueblo i honestly forgot what went wrong and i again was pissed. We were waiting for a slot to park and fighting at the same time. When out of nowhere u got off the car... went on my side of the car ,opened my door and went down on your knees." Oh my gosh! E--- What are you doing????? Theres sooo many people looking at us!!!!"

Its was a gimik night and sooo many people are there that night.

The intensity of that so called relationship is through the roof.

If there is one word i can think of that best describe what i had with u , it had to be the Most PASSIONATE relationship ive ever had.

Just like Allie and Noah.

When were not intensely fighting, we were just inseparable. Our bodies are just glued to each other.

May it be just queueing in Mcdo to order.. we'll be all over each other. U loved giving me back hug ,kissing my forehead, and jst caressing each other. I would always wrap my arms around your waist inside ur jacket and ul feel insecure and say " ang payat ko no? "

When we go to bars like that one time in Venezia, we went alone and couldn't get off each other..kissing and just all over each other. First time i was ever like that with someone , PDA is an understatement.

One guy who knows the x saw us apparently and told him i was cheating with u. They didnt know i was not with that guy anymore.

I never knew i could be this girl who lives in her own bubble with someone. I became reckless and just don't wanna be bothered, all i know is that iam in a secure place with you and Iam savoring every moment as it was too precious for me.. maybe in my head i also know this cant be and this needs to end somehow.

Understandably i know why people reacted how they did because this is not the person iam.

Iam prude, so conservative and would always think about how people would think. But all of that persona changed when i was with you. U brought out that side of me that no other guy at that time did. We would melt in each others gaze and you made my inhibitions flew out the door. My few friends saw how i changed and they're loving this new version of me but why with him they ask? I dont know , i felt the warmth and I liked it.

I know this is the person other guys ive dated wanted to see in me, i was tough and shy and i hesitate. Maybe because with another person i grew up with him so there's full of expectation, we were tagged as the ideal couple and the super kulit fun couple everyone wants to hang out with.. we clicked coz we make each other laugh.we got along so fine.

But there was something missing as a girl, i got tired of being in charge all the time. I want someone who would plan things out for me, i want to be treated as a lady.. And thank you for making me feel as one.

You complimented my every move, even my smirk, everything. With u i was confident and secured and that's what i was looking for.

One conversation i had with my ex after you and i parted and i got back with him, i asked if theres one person who he was jealous of, who would it be? He answered ,its E! And shocked as i can be, i asked what? Why??? Why him? He said because i described what we had was my most passionate relationship ever. But i never gave details. Never talked about how we were as i wanted to move past that phase in my life and pretend ours was nothing special.But hey guess what, maybe there are some things u just can't hide..Maybe his instinct tells him otherwise.

Some would say you cannot live with love and passion alone.. true that! But still im glad i experienced it , the feeling i had during those times surely i will bring to my grave.

It was short , complicated, dramatic but mind-blowing intense and passionate.

Roller-coaster ride of emotions indeed.

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revol-lover · 4 years

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i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok.

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though.

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend.

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020 but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic.

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

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knifehecker · 5 years

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undertale day [long post]

it’s the 15th!! happy 4th birthday undertale!!! normally i try to do a little art or something but this year i decided to do something a little different. there’s a lot of content that’s become core tenets of my experience with the fandom -- changed the way i thought about the characters, how i engage with the fandom, opened my eyes to new ways of writing -- and i thought it’d be neat to compile some of those into one post to share with other people. so without further ado!!!

40-minute Deltarune Piano Medley - FaceImplosion [MUSIC]

ok, i know this is deltarune and not undertale, but this medley incorporates songs from both games so i’m gonna say it counts. and honestly, i could say a LOT about this piece!! i’ve watched and listened to a lot of ut/dr medleys, and this has to be the most lovingly crafted of its type that i’ve ever seen. Ever. a lot of care has been put into the order and combination of the songs (some funny, some sad, some mindblowing, ALL amazing) and the art is so good that every time i listen i find myself watching along. there’s a lot of easter eggs, especially for the attentive listener/watcher, and this medley deserves far more than the 6k views it’s gotten so far.

Undertale Album Project - Various Artists [MUSIC]

Songs From Mt Ebott is a collaborative album project that contains dozens of tracks from a score of different artists. i have a lot of favorite tracks from this album, not to mention the individual track art created for each, and if you’ve never heard of this project before, i really recommend giving it a listen! (FaceImplosion also did a piano track for this album, by the way, which i’m linking separately because it’s one of my aforementioned favorites.)

Chara - tigerblossom [MUSIC]

im not gonna lie. this was my favorite piece of fan music for a long time. it’s a medley mashing a few different songs together, short and sweet, but it comes together in such an incredibly heartfelt way at the end that whenever i end up listening to it i find myself wishing the track was about five minutes longer. they also have an underfell version of your best friend that i recommend giving a listen!

Photographs - FuriousPoplar [FIC]

in terms of “post-paci everyone lives au”s, there’s been a lot of ground covered by a lot of different people, and after a while the concept feels almost a bit...same-y? but this fic covers a sorely-needed conversation between an alive chara and asriel in a way that i’ve never seen approached by anyone else before. it’s cathartic, it’s extremely well written, and it doesn’t shy away from the ugly sides of trauma and recovery, which is so greatly appreciated. it also hit me...REALLY hard, which i think is a testament to how amazing this piece is.

Turn Back - foxsgloves [FIC]

i read this one pretty early on in my time in this fandom, and it’s continued to influence me long after. the premise: frisk keeps loading over the brief time asriel has his body in the epilogue, and simply spends time with him as they both prepare to move on towards the end. it’s sad. it’s cute. it’s amazing. it’s something i go back to reread sometimes late at night when i want to reread something friendly and familiar and a little sad. and its been one of my favorites ever since i read it.

You Wear Your Grief Like a Badge - Draikinator [FIC SERIES]

how do you even TALK about ywyglb? do i talk about nate’s impeccable voice in their writing? how true to character they are with the kids? how they set the scene of a post-pacifist world still shaking with the echoes of the past? the series starts with flowey taking frisk’s soul captive while chara and sans form an uneasy alliance in order to get them back, and then spirals into a tense, sweet, funny, awful, heartbreaking experience that reshaped how i viewed the boundaries of my own writing. draikinator’s writing has been and continues to be a huge inspiration to me, and i heartily recommend giving any of their stuff a try.

A Numbered List of Things That Aren't as Badass as They Sound (ex. Monsters, Suicide, Burning in Hell) - rosyy [FIC]

a brief glimpse into chara and asriel just before It Happens, While It Happens, When It Happens. the prose here is the sort of flowery delirious feverdream you’d expect from a kid dying of buttercup poisoning, and i love it to bits. i also want to mention a dr who crossover by the same author, because it has kris as the doctor and frisk as the stray they adopt, and its also the perfect antidote to the angst the first fic provides.

Risen Up (or, Of Fallen Children and Mountain Kin) - paradoxpangolin [FIC]

oh jeezums, how do i even start with this one? post-paci, frisk comes to the conclusion that the best way to ease the tensions between human and monsterkind is to put on a musical about their time in the underground!!!!.....except this leads to its own host of complications, and things get a bit Messy. this fic hasn’t updated in a bit, but it contains so much in its 140k of already published writing that i feel the need to urge you to read it anyway. i’m really partial to autistic frisks, and this fic has what’s got to be my favorite portrayal of that in ... probably the entire fandom? honestly, most (if not all) of the characters in this fic are autist, and it’s just. very good. i love.

you’re like a mirror, reflecting me - batterytriplicate [FIC]

a daemon au exploring what frisk and chara’s journeys might have been like with the extra distinction between monster dust and daemon dust. i completely forgot about this fic until i was trawling through my ao3 history for this post, and i’m really really glad i found it again. i think i was in the middle of trying to figure out this exact au when i first found this fic, and it did everything i was thinking of (and more) so much better that i felt more than content leaving it at that. so if you like his dark materials and want to see a fantastic little daemon au, give this a shot!

soulless-pacifist - vsemily [ASK BLOG]

soulless-pacifist..... if you’ve never heard of this askblog, you’re in for a treat. i wasn’t with it from the very beginning, but i started reading towards the middle of its main story arc and stuck with it to the end, and suffice it to say, it has to be my favorite fandom askblog to date, purely for how well its written, how well its drawn, and how it’s one of the....only askblogs i’ve ever seen come not only to a FULL conclusion, but to a satisfying one! the mun also worked with a programmer to create a fangame for its final arc, which is so above and beyond that im still kind of in disbelief. in short: this askblog followed frisk and their passenger after the events of a soulless pacifist route, and continues on with them as they grow together and find their place with a whole host of twist and turns in store. also, memes.

Shine your light with me, chase all the dark away - FancifulRivers [FIC]

this au follows frisk and chara after the events of the game. unlike most post-paci runs, though, chara has their own body back, while they and frisk are hiding back in mt ebott after the monsters have left to avoid the complications of being runaways and also.... incredible guilt and trauma. things don’t really work out like that, though, and i really recommend this read. fancifulrivers has also been an incredibly prolific writer who’s uploaded a lot of really good ut fics, so this is a great starting point to jump off of for their other stuff!

repercussions - proximally [FIC]

this fic... i think this one fic is the one that’s impacted me the most during my early days of this fandom. it’s short, and sad, and is a twist on the soulless pacifist ending that i was left thinking about literally for months after i first read it. instead of saying any more and risking spoiling it, i’ll just leave the author’s desc: “You made a mistake, and you pay for it with your life. “

The Great Boondoggle - Masu_Trout [FIC]

the premise of this fic is pretty simple. post paci, frisk is walking home. they come across a Bad Guy. hijinks ensue. but what sets apart this fic from others for me is the way frisk is written here. when this fic was published in early 2016, most frisks i came across were the...sweet harmless woobies that were pretty typical from the fandom. this is one of the first frisks i came across that was kind of mean, and a little cold, and had very obviously had a long upward climb to being the sort of person who chose mercy instead of fight. this portrayal is a lot more common nowadays, which i’m super grateful for, but since this is one of the first fics i came across that really nailed this portrayal, i felt i should leave this here. i also recommend their pokemon/ut au, which is toriel and frisk centric and i also love to bits.

and....well, i was gonna say “that’s it”, but i honestly had to cut quite a few things from this list to keep it from stretching the dash too much. there’s been a lot of incredible content created by this fandom over the years, and this is by no means a comprehensive list of my favorites. but these are some of the ones that impacted me in a really special way, and if you were kind enough to check them out and maybe even liked them, please consider leaving a kind comment for the creator! if you’re the author of one of these pieces reading this right now: thank you so much! im looking forward to finding even more favorites in this year and the next.

#undertale #deltarune #fic rec #longpost #long post #techinically its NOT the 15gh for me yet but theres like. an hour left #and i cant wait to post this anymore SO!!!!#idk theres a lot of stuff this fandom has produced thats been pretty. terrible #but there's just as much if not more stuff people have created thats changed the way i thought #about other people and myself and the way i interact with the world and all that #etc etc etc #anyway. im gay

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clumsyclifford · 3 years

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hello!! i am back and on desktop this time. the blog is just as pretty. alex + yellow = v v attractive jfc. this is a long one so buckle in.

to begin: i hope you have the most fun on your day road trip and sing your heart out to atl and taylor swift. i love driving long distances and idk just driving in general is fun. have the absolute best time MWAH

my birthday is in november!! november 23 to be specific. i share it with miley cyrus which is something i always found to be very cool when i was growing up and watching hannah montana. it also means i am a sagittarius and funny little fact i realized is that my best friend is a gemini. alex and jack are also a sagittarius and a gemini. from being 13 i know that tyler and josh from twenty one pilots are also a sagittarius and a gemini. something about sagittarius and gemini besties idk.

also yeah!! ao3 year in review!! it's a bit complicated to figure out at first and if you read a lot the finding pages thing can be pretty tedious, but it's def worth it once you figure it out. it gives you a lot of different stats about everything you read and it's pretty cool. now i am going to go look at your fics to remember my favs. you deserve the praise so i am willing to offer it. jeez you write a lot i respect the motivation sm. you write quite a bit of angst and i won't lie i try to stay away from angst so i haven't read your fics that seem super angst-y based on the tags. BUT there are still so many i recall reading and loving nonetheless. on a quick scroll-through: i usually don't read high school AUs but "paint me in trust (i'll be your best friend)" was super adorable and lovely. "thank god i'm yours" is one of my favs iirc. also i love love love "it's not always easy (but i'm here forever)" like yes please romanticize alex gaskarth i love it sm. "i won't be silent (and i won't let go)" and "i fell asleep in a city that doesn't" are both super fluffy and romantic and are favs of mine. in case you haven't picked up on it i adore very fluffy and romantic fics lmao. alright i am continuing to scroll and there are so many more i could list that i love but this section is getting quite long. just know if it's about a kitchen or hotel rooms being for lovers i probably read it and adored it and that pov is so valid.

waterparks!! will not lie i only really started listening to them about 6 months ago having been distantly aware of their existence for several years by being a fan of bands in the same genre. listen as long as you let yourself be vaguely annoyed by awsten is prevents you from being in love with him. follow him on any social media platform for like a day and you'll be sick of him typing in nothing but all caps within hours. simply do not romanticize him and you can keep yourself from falling!! so this is coming from a slightly fake parx fan, but some of my favs by them have been peach (lobotomy), crave, numb, fuzzy, violet!, you'd be paranoid too, and lowkey as hell. that is a very songs-from-their-most-recent-album-heavy rec, but whatever. i did give the disclaimer about being a fake parx fan.

yeah hayley does have 2 solo albums now!! petals for armor and flowers for vases / descansos. pfa is the one i didn't really like upon first listen but has grown on me. i haven't even listened to the second one in its entirety oops but we won't mention it. dead horse is good but simmer (pretty sure that was the other single??) just ain't it for me. the album has some lovely songs but it's just a hit or miss album all the way through. some favs of mine on it include pure love, taken, crystal clear, watch me while i bloom, and why we ever. it's sorta a storyline album about healing if that adds anything to it?? but anyways. i started listening to paramore around the time after laughter dropped and it grew to be one of my fav albums in existence. idle worship is probably one of my fav songs like ever. i def understand being slightly put off by bands with songs that make religious references (me with twenty one pilots' earlier music that makes a lot more religious references considering i'm not religious whatsoever) but i think i am blinded by being in love with hayley williams and just ignore it. idk that she's like super religious?? she's addressed believing in god and stuff a few times but she's def not the "rub it in your face" type and if she's making refs in music more recently then they're subtle enough i'm not noticing them. ik albums like brand new eyes had a lot more because it was shortly after that the band split and the songwriting process was essentially her and ex-bandmate co-songwriter arguing about their religious beliefs (turns out he ended up being super homophobic and transphobic all based on his religion so do with that what u will and thank the clown for leaving). i feel u on the "i meant to start listening to them" because that's essentially how i started listening to them. i told myself i was going to and then finally forced myself to do it. fuck falling for awsten knight what's more risky is falling in love with hayley </3

also yeah!! you've articulated my feelings towards tde. every song is so vastly different that it's hard to like it all. #1 fan is pretty decent though, and that's not just my bias about finding both ross and his gf hot and a cute couple and getting to see them together and ross half naked in a mirror in the video nope not at all. he's my fav himbo!! he has no personality!! no thoughts head empty!! i still love him and his strawberry-growing saga on twitter tho <3 the hazard of being in love with ross lynch since i was 12. girlfriend better be a fucking banger and there's quite a few already released singles in the tracklist so i have hope. i believe my show is in chicago on november 19 which is a thursday. kinda sucks since i intentionally bought the chicago tix nearly two years ago (the show was originally supposed to be april 25 2020. lol.) because the show was on a saturday and i have to drive 3 hours to get there. obviously i can't speak for them as tde but r5 shows always fucking slapped and i can vouch for them (realized i haven't seem them live since 2016?? 5 YEARS?? wtf) so if u genuinely like them. would recommend going to see them.

anyways. i have not listened to luke's solo album yet. i plan on it. this has gotten so long but i tried to respond in all areas and even organized it in different paragraphs this time (thanks being on desktop!!). hope you are well. hope you have a lovely day. hmm what's a little "going on in my life" fact. i got new glasses a few days ago and my eyes essentially said fuck off because adjusting to the new prescription has left me with eyes that hurt and occasionally slightly nauseous. here is to hoping my eyes get their shit together. mwah LOVE YOU TOO - the other bella/cubs anon/idk

okay hi hello. i have put this off because holy hell it's long but let's do it. i am putting a cut because this whole thing is long even without my answer

first: the road trip was super fun thank you!!! i am intrigued by this information regarding sags and geminis, we should do some scientific inquiry. enquiry. i don't know if there's a difference between those words.

aha! well i tried the ao3 year in review thing and i would say it had about 55% accuracy but still i agree it's fun to look back at that kind of stuff. and i feel you on the angst thing i go through phases of writing angst-heavy stuff and then writing very fluffy stuff and it is entirely based on my mental state buuuut i have lots of fluff and i'm glad you found it all and that you liked it yay <333 KITCHENS ARE FOR LOVERS i will die on that fuckin hill. hotel rooms as well but primarily kitchens.

dfgjhgdlfkhgdfmj honestly i dont use twitter enough that i would see his tweets enough that that would bother me also the fact that he tweets in all caps means that i just picture him yelling everything he tweets which i find absolutely hysterical so i don't think that would help. i have added these parx songs to my listen asap playlist and will get to them when i get a chance thank you i am excited also i already know lowkey as hell and it slaps super hard so im very much lookin forward to the rest of these. merci merci

YEAH simmer was the one i didnt vibe with. and honestly i feel zero compulsion to get into hayley williams as a solo artist. i just don't vibe enough to want to do that so i doubt i'll be listening to her anytime soon but maybe if i hear the songs in passing or get super bored one night, idk who can really say. but yeah christianity typically puts me off of music (speaking as a very jewish bitch) although there are notable exceptions in the cases of thomas rhett and the driver era. i'm just not attached to hayley enough to be like ehhh this doesnt matter. does that make sense

FAVORITE HIMBO PLEASE HGSDFGDFGKLFGJ i dont follow him on twitter but i have seen some interviews of ross and rocky and tbh they're great i love the way ross speaks like i like his speech mannerisms and i like his FACE and HAIR and. yeah. i think hes pretty. and i think he and 5sos SHOULD collab i think that would be sexy as hell. can you imagine that. oh my god can you imagine a ross lynch/luke hemmings collab. i'm not even really talking to you anymore bella because i know you haven't listened to luke yet and don't have a stake in it but if anyone else is reading this long ass answer. ross & luke collab. okay im going to move on and not think about that now. but i probably won't see tde unless i get a job this semester because i'm trying to stop spending so much money on big indulgent things like concerts likeee i was in a really good habit of not spending that much and then suddenly i got paid for one summer and i was just goin Crazy and i need to dial it back. plus i wanna see ajr and noah kahan equally bad so like. i have to make some calls about priorities here. it's Much to think about

good luck to your eyes i'm sure your new glasses are hella cute tho!!! LOVE YOUUUUUUU

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oldthingsvintage-blog · 7 years

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Where it all begin ... we think

We think , my parents and I . We think the cause of my mental health issues started when I was pretty young 13/14 years old . My whole life I've been the shy little girl that doesnt speak much unless spoken to but always smiles . I guess you could say Im shy and sensitive but when comfortable you can’t get me to be quiet as many of my close friends know. Im not sure as to what age it started but pretty young I started to get bullied . The one memory I have of when it started was when I was in year 3 a group of kids crowded around me in the playground whilst I was happily playing by myself with my tweety pie toy . They started laughing and pushing me around and eventually destroyed my toy they ripped the arms off , legs and eyes . Left me in tears . Of course I was too young to realise what was happening but my emotions started there. I would go home crying , I would go to school crying begging my mum not to leave. From then on school just got worse for me . I never wanted to go even when I moved schools I continued to get bullied . Ill never know why because I never cause any trouble I just be myself and keep myself to myself. I guess you could say Im an easy target because I'm shy , sensitive but also nice and people know how to upset me as its easy to do. The destroying of my toys stopped but the name calling continued and got worse as I got older . Primary school names were ; dumbo ears big ears , shorty ugly .I was roughly around 9 years old when I was starting to get called ugly .that never stopped . You can imagine being called ugly from the age of 9 all the way through until I left school at 16 what effect it has had on me. Yes you could say I seem vain because I take selfies but in no way do I think Im pretty or anything. I feel ugly . I am ugly is all I see due to the names I got called . I kept quiet up until the end of year 10. I kept years of bullying to myself. I would cry a lot but no one ever knew why because I never wanted to say . I felt ashamed of myself and felt like no one would give a shit or believe me. Eventually it got to the point where I didnt want to get out of bed in the morning . My family didnt understand why up until someone somehow found out and ended up telling my mum . Thats when it got worse. I was made to see a councillor to get help about how to deal with it . That did not help at all if anything it made me feel worse I was made to feel stupid like it was something to not worry or care about . Bullying has been a huge problem and has effected me massively i for sure know its the main cause of my anxiety. Im constantly worried about what people think about me , about who I am how I am and what I look like . I worry the compliments I get are lies or a joke . When someone calls me pretty I think theyre taking the piss and really mean Im ugly . I worry that someone is going to one day hurt me physically like they did emotionally. I worry that no one likes me as thats what I got told a lot . I constantly was told no one likes you youd be better off dead no boys will ever like you youre fat and ugly you look like a troll "haggrid " "ugly" big ears,you look like a man your nose is like a birds peak ( which followed with a bird impression) . I tried my best to ignore it but I just couldn't . I'd go home and all the worlds from that day would repeat in my head . It was constantly on my mind . If I'm honest it fucked me up badly and my education too as I couldn't concentrate out of worry. I would sit in class and struggle with the work as the bullies would distract me from working so I ended up behind and doing badly in exams. When I was 15 I was extremely shy . I never spoke . I was a very vulnerable girl which is what really messed things up for me. That's what ruined me . I was so vulnerable I just needed to feel wanted , needed and loved . And that's when the main cause of this all comes in. The biggest mistake of my life . I've never really spoken about it as it's effected me a lot and is quite a big deal to me . I won't go too deep because I don't think I can nor do I think anyone would like to read it all . Spending 7/8 months of my life with someone who I thought cared , loved me and wanted me . I was so very wrong but I didn't know or see it back then but I do now which I'm glad about . My parents tried to help but I was too stubborn to see what was happening I told them they were wrong but really they were right . I spent 7/8 months with a guy 3 years older than me. The whole time he was just using me . He brought me things after arguments as an apology. Which is wrong ! Never except gifts as an apology. He made me lie to my family , to my friends . He made me lose my friends . He controlled everything I did . He made me do things I didn't want to do . He trapped me in his life that was incredibly hard to leave but I was strong enough in the end to walk away but it was harder than expected there were more issues and complication which I do not feel comfortable in talking about all I'll say is the police had to get involved and there was months of waiting to hear about the case . The end result - restraining order for life . The worst part is I thought he loved me I thought he cared all because I was in such a vulnerable state after being so badly bullied. This is what we believes leads to the cause of my depression the mixture of the bullying and I'm not sure what to call the other thing I guess being in a abussive obsessive relationship is what I can call it. But I refer it to being a situation with a psycho ex . I'm gonna cut this short now as it's already very long and will continue on another post another time . There are many things that happened to me in this time that I can't quite get out of my head . I have nightmares often that lead me to waking up in tears or crying . I walk around scared that something bad will happen to me . I don't sleep very well as many people know I'm lucky if i get 5 hours of sleep a night . I'm currently writing this at 2 am so that says something 😂 please if you have any questions message me but please think about what you ask or say to me with respect as I am still over coming what has happened to me and am still quite sensitive . Good night all I am off to attempt to sleep ✨ sammy x

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medullah-oblongata · 7 years

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May 25, 2017 - 6:19 PM

- Last Tuesday (May 16) he came over for our last in-person meeting together - So he picked me up out front and we drove to LCBO because I had a gift card and I would never use it so I thought we could drink together - We ended up getting peach flavoured ciroc (the big bottle) after much debate and then went to wal-mart to pick up some cranberry-mango juice to mix it with - it was actually really good and he said that that will be “our” mix - and then we listened to jind mahi by kulbir jhinjer and zara and there’s just something about driving with him that I loove. - Then we came home and it was sunny and nice out so he wanted to drink on the balcony and I was like alright even tho I was terrified of bees or other insects and them coming into my apartment - so we’re out there and we see this cracked egg and I was like should I kick it off? and he was like so concerned saying no and that one of the birds would see and come attack me - and then a bunch of pigeons are always flying from building to building and it was sooo fucking funny because he was terrified and then came running in when he thought a bird was coming for him - Then we came in and drank, I had like 3 glasses and was toally buzzed, like I could feel it in my face and I was getting so sleepy - so he came closer and we just started talking and then held hands and I told him how we were talking about lips and how our grandmas like thin lips and us girls were like why? and that I thought of him because I like his lips and then yeah we started kissing - I still had my light jacket on and things started getting heated so I had to take it off and then he came on top, and I took off his pants hehehe - and then he’s like lets get another drink, so we walked over to my computer desk where we had our supplies and I was stretching cuz I was tired and as he was walking to the fridge he like lightly touched my pussy and moved upward to my stomach and I still can’t get over how good that felt and just how sexy the overall movement was LOL - then he poured a drink and I gave him a blowjob while he sat in my computer chair and then he told me to take off my shirt and he played with my tits hehe - and then it got even more heated so he like came leaning off the chair and gently laid me on the floor and like sucked on my nipples and we made out and it was so fucking hot - then we stood up and he was talking to me about how beautiful I was and he grabbed my face and pulled me closer so we made out again and then he rubbed his dick on me and was like he was gonna fuck me so hard tonight and asked if we should take a break to talk or go to my room and we both agreed to talk - so then we ended up talking for soooo long but it was sooo good, like I don’t think we have talked like that before and I just learned more about him, and also felt a greater connection - He was sitting up straight and I was leaning on him with my legs across his lap - so he was telling me about how all of his friends know about me now (cuz someone from his program msged and he said he was in st catharines and i guess they knew he was with me then) - then he told me how his friends talk about me sometimes and ask how things are and he just says its complicated and how his high school friends were talking about this one guy and how he’s with P’s ex but they were like saying how he has a better girl (me) than the other guy lol - and then i guess his friends knew how he was coming to see me but one of them had no clue (the one I prank called cuz apparently he’s clueless) so he asked who i was and for him to send a pic of me, but P just said to look me up on instagram and the guy sent a selfie of me in their group chat and P was like yeah that’s her lol - and then I was like do they say bad stuff? and he’s like there’s this one guy who’s always saying like oh you gonna fuck tonight or something but P just tells him to chill but the rest (I think gopes esp) are respectful, and he said I can even look at their convo to see what he says about me but I didn’t cuz I trusted him - but he did confront me about the comment I made a while ago of him sending my pic, and he’s like I didn’t take a pic of you in the theatre,and I was like I know but you sent one, and he’s like yes I did do that because they were asking who you were and I wanted to show them, and he said it very respectfully so i was glad that he owned up to that - And then he told me how his best friend respects me and I’m like probably not, because if I don’t find out about village thing or if i can’t do long distance and we end it, he’s probably going to think I’m a hoe - and then he explained that that’s not the case because he told his friend how I was a good girl and a virgin and I’m not like other girls. Because his friend just has a bad attitude towards girls and doesn’t trust them, and then I was like omg you told him we did it, and he said yes, but only because he was convincing his friend how different I was and that he wasn’t bragging at all. And then he gave me a deep history of his best friend’s life and what he went through with girls and his own family that made him like that,so yeah that was nice to hear and to have him open up to me like that - he also said I love you multiple times that night and I loved it but kept saying he didn’t - then he asked what I even liked about him because he was like I dont even know how I got you, like I consider myself very lucky - and I was like lol idk, I dont think I answered the question properly or I must have referred to the acrostic I made him lmao - and then I asked him what he liked about me and he said he loves my attitude (i was shocked cuz he always comments on how he hates it and that it’s annooying) and that loves when a girl tells him to fuck off lmao and how I do it all the time, and he said he likes how there’s always other guys wanting me which is why he loves hearing stories of when people check me out or reach out to me after a long time lol, and then how I’ve stuck by him all this time even through all of the uncertainty with us. And then he just like kissed my hair and hands - And then he wanted to know more about the guys i’ve liked and why it didn’t work so I told him everything and about how curious george will randomly snap me after months and that last time I did reply because P ended video call with me and I was bored - and he was like “ohhh so soon as I’m gone you hit up other guys eh” and i was like LOL no i just wanted to see if this guy would address why he snaps me after so long but he didnt and just asked when I was coming home - and then he did his cute voice which i dont think he notices he does but yeah he was just concerned about me seeing other guys and if i’m going to meet up with that guy and I was like probably not since I don’t like him anymore. And then he told me to at least tell him if and when i talk to another guy or like another guy - then I was on his lap and he had his dick out because it was hard and so I was just kind grinding on it while talking or like playing with it with my fingers and some pre cum came out and im like aww, so i was playing with it and he’s like would you put that in your mouth and im like hell yeah and how i’ve been wanting him to cum on me for so long so yack an eah I put it in my mouth then we made out and then he like grabbed my boob with his mouth and then like lifted me to take me to my room but i was like no, so he like put me down but like where my back was to him and then he rubbed his dick along the front of my pussy and then to the back and holy fuck it was so hot then he took it off and started rubbing more but then I was like yo i still wanted to talk about more deep stuff related to us and then he respectfully put it away and sat me in his lap facing him so we could talk - so then I was just like how I was concerned about it not working out and if it does, me not being happy or his family not liking me or something - and he was like he is in love with me now, i am his love and he wants to marry me and that if we can’t then he’s just going to get an arranged marriage - then he asked what happened over the weekend that triggered me asking him a bunch of questions (failed marriage of cousin lol) and I didn’t want to tell him all of my family details so I just said I didn’t want to end up like one of my cousin’s cuz he’s so unhappy and he asked me more so I was going to talk about it but I got emotional so I went and put my head in his neck cuz my voice got shaky and I had tears and he was like aww look here but i said no and he asked why i was crying and im like sorry man i just get emotional when i talk about people i care about and they’re not happy - and then he made me look up and i covered my face and he was just saying how beautiful and pretty i looked even when i cry, and then he made me uncover my face and just looked right into my eyes and said he loves me - and then he continued the convo about my concerns and he was like you’ll be happy, and that if i like him now that’s how it’ll always be because it’s who he is as a person and he’s been real with me - and then he was like about his family not liking me, i dont have to worry about that, as long as i respect them they’ll love me and his mom’s already happy we’re talking. And i was like yeah but you and i already fight lots so what if they always just take your side and don’t understand my side or u just make it seem like it’s my fault, and he’s like he wouldn’t do that, plus his mom and sister-in-law are on a team and don’t talk to his brother when he’s wrong, so whoever is right, that’s who’s side his parents will take lol - and then i was like what about me not knowing how to cook or do anything? and he’s like they dont care about that, the only thing they care about is respect and I said i could defs give it because i have always wanted a good relationship with my in-laws - then he asked if i wanted to really spend the rest of my life with him, and i shrugged my shoulders,and if i wanted to have his kids and i shrugged my shoulders again and we laughed and he was like if we did they would be little soccer players, with good looks cuz they’ll have your looks hopefully, and I’m like we have to put them in bhangra too and he just gave me a look like uhh maybe lmao and we laughed again - And then he got all serious again and was like how he really does like me a lot and wants it to work, and how I’ve helped him a lot with stress relief this year and how he loved talking to me, and I said the same and how he actually helped with assignments and stuff - and then he was like will you ever forget me? and im like lol no because i had all my firsts with you, and he was like oh yeah no one forgets those - then he was like you remember our first kiss? and i was like lol yeah and he asked where it was and i pointed to the spot on the couch and he was like lol yeah and he reminded me how i was all “idk what to do” LOL - oh yeah and when i gave him a bj on the computer chair i had major gag reflexes so i asked what would happen if i actually threw up on it and he was like its no big deal we could just clean it up and i was like damn - and then i wanted to make a snap video for his friend saying hi but he wouldnt let me, so we just took pics of us instead - then we decided to go to bed and i was like i need to wash my face first and he asked if i had any snacks so i showed him, but when i came out of washroom he was already in bed, and im like yo arent u hungry and he kept saying its ok and im like no lets go see - so i made him get out of bed because he aint about to sleep hungry on my watch lol so we made him a veggie burger and he loved it - while it was cooking on stove, he started like hugging me and grabbing my ass and then people in the building in front of me were on their balcony and he’s like oh shit there’s people outside lmfao so he stopped and i was like u pussy cuz i loved that shit - but yeah then we went into bed, and i went pee first, and then i came to lie down and im like why u already sleeping? and then he pulled me closer and was like all i want to do is cuddle you for the last time! and im like lol, and then we kissed and im like “but i saw it on the night table, all ready” and hes like LOL and hes like so what? and im like lets do it! and hes like do what? so he made me say it and then he put it on and went to work. - and then after he was done we were lying on our backs and he started playing with my boobs again with his hands and hes like “i love these tits of yours” lmfao - and then i was still horny so i was like playing with myself while rubbing up against him, and he just slipped his hand down there too and was like “teach me” (i guess how to do it properly or to the point where i climax cuz only i know how) and then it was his hand under mine and we just rubbed it and kissed and it was amazing - then we fell asleep after a while, well he did but i cried on his chest and had to wipe them off and then i turned around because i couldnt stop thinking about how much i was going to miss him - idk if he noticed or not that i was crying, but when i moved he asked if i was ok and i just said yes very quickly - then eventually i fell asleep too, but i’d randomly wake up and then cuddle back up to him - in the morning i was sleeping facing the opposite direction to him, and then he woke up and turned his body and put his arm around me, so fucking cute - then i turned around and cuddled him and watched him sleep some more - then i told him to wake up and that it was a certain time but it actually wasnt because i wanted to just chill and talk before he had to leave - and then he showered and got ready, then i did and we made tea - and then we talked more about him finding out and he said he will - oh yeah, the night before he also showed me pics of his fam in india and they were so cute - then when it was time for him to leave, we did a long ass hug by the couch and made out - then when he had on all his gear i started making out with him again, and that one was amazing, like i wont forget it - i’d pull away to breathe and i’d just look at his lips and eyes and go in for more - also, i felt it get hard again so we did some grinding while making out and i grabbed it but obvs it was too late for another session lol - then he gave me the longest cutest forehead kiss and i fucking loved it, like i could have cried cuz i didn’t expect it to be that hard and long - and then i kissed him on the cheek really hard and he was like have a safe flight back and that i’ll have fun in vancouver and im like no man im gonna miss you, then we hugged one last time and he went :( - it’s been over a week now since this meeting and i cant stop replaying the events and him looking at me or saying this and hearing his voice - and i’ve been procrastinating writing this post because i feel like in a way, i didnt want to finalize this as the ending even tho it is. - i mean we may still talk, but idk when i’ll ever see him again - and we mentioned perhaps meeting in brampton this saturday if he was available and he did say no guarantees cuz hes busy with schol, will be returning late on friday from washington and that he has to pick up his fam from airport, but that we could try...but yeah i dont think its happening cuz i havent talked to him all week (except briefly on tuesday night after 2 days when he was telling me his presentation went really well and then he went to sleep and said we would talk the next day but he never did message and neither did I). - so yeah, its thursday evening, hes gonna be driving back all day tomorrow cuz it took him 12 hours to get there so i dont even wanna mention meeting up cuz i just know its gonna be a no, which means i am most likely not going to brampton cuz cousins dont have anything fun planned either and last weekend i was just very emotional there but couldnt express it - but it would suck if i didnt end up going and he msgs saturday about hanging out (probs not but still lol) and even if i was there i wouldnt have an excuse last minute, whereas if we planned it out then i could have just said i have a birthday dinner to go to - i miss him sooo much though ughhhh - also last week my mom suggested that her and his mom can talk on the phone and she can explain that we just want to know if it would be acceptable but that us kids arent ready to get married right away and that if his mom already knows theres no harm in them talking and that they can see how to find out (like if his mom should ask his dad or if she wants my mom to ask), but then he said his mom is ok with it and that there is no point in them talking...and that he would just ask his mom to ask his dad...and im like u better man but i feel like you wont, and he said he would and that he was just stressed that day cuz he was supposed to wake up at 3 to drive to the sates, so then he thanked me for understanding even tho i just said ok but really did want my mom and his mom to talk lol - then my mom and i talked again yd and shes like what did he say? and im like he doesnt see the point in you talking to his mom and said he’ll just ask himself, but i told her how idk if he will. and then shes like lol just tell him to ask or else she will - so i still have to mention that to him, but idk how to bring it up, but i hope he does ask his mom right away, and my mom said she still wants to talk to his mom, so idk how thats gonna turn out, but i wish he was more open to that - ughh hopefully it all works out and im not broken in the end.

#PM

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anistirk · 7 years

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Me doing a Tumblr thing and writing a text post

So heres the thing...i still worry about my ex and he crosses my mind every now and then...or all the time..its only been 6 months since I ended my first real long term relationship with my “high school sweetheart”...he was all i knew, however i saw signs very early on that we weren’t meant for each other, and yet i kept internally fighting to stay with him. For me it was the fact that i needed my relationship to be successful and i was with the right person for it to seem “perfect”. When i say i was with the right person i mean that, i knew he wouldn’t leave me, he didn’t have the courage , when he was comfortable , he would stay comfortable, he didn’t really go out of his comfort zone, i knew he would stay...We got along pretty well, but i just , i didn’t know what i was doing or why i stayed so long, or maybe i did. Im kind of a selfish dick for this honestly. He was my security blanket in high school, i knew if there was drama , or i was in a fight , i had him to fall back on. I had something that made me “better”. it was really quite boring...honestly...being with him i mean... we didn’t talk about serious topics unless it was over text, we only really ever stayed inside and watched movies, i think we were just too eager to for it to work, for our first real relationship to be “perfect.”It was a really immature relationship. but i learned.And i now understand why parents don’t want their kids dating too soon...because its a waste of your fucking youth, and no guy deserves more time then the time you deserve to give yourself.

I think what offended me the most was when I called him to end it(immature way to end it a 3 year relationship i know but i would be away for another 2 months and i didn’t want to drag it on any longer) he didn’t seem particularly shocked by it, he actually really agreed with everything i saying...and thats where i’m still a bit caught off guard, because that would mean that we both were hiding all these emotions from each other, pretending like everything was fine, when it clearly wasn’t...that would mean that while i thought he was completely and utterly in love with me, he actually was thinking of ending it with me also..but i mean..”how could he” id think , why would he...im so perfect??lol jk. I dont think we were emotionally and mentally ready for a commited relationship, we got in too deep and didn’t know what to do so we kept going ...and for me i knew i needed to end it for over a year. There were even times when i was kissing him and i would catch myself thinking “ i want to break up” but never had the courage.

and yet im still sitting her wondering how he is, because even though i fell out of love, he was still my best friend, and i really did want the best for him. i just didn't want to be the thing that he relied on, especially at this age. so yeah , i think i just need more time to forget everything, i don’t think theres anything wrong with that...

now the reason why i worry is , i’m currently in a developing relationship with someone new, Nile. he was really the reason i had courage to break up with my ex. He was the first person i spoke to when i went to camp to work as a counselor, i was instantly attracted to him and wanted to know more, i felt a connection. The summer was truly magical for us, and this could really blossom into something amazing, but were taking our time, because i think we both really want this to work.

So thats where i feel guilty, should i be pondering on my ex if i’m with someone new? i think i rushed into being with nile too soon after breaking up with jesse. But the connection is so indescribable between us, i want nothing but to be with him , he drives me insane with love. i always want to be with him, i always want to know whats on his mind, i want to know what he thinks of me, i want i want i want, i want to make sure he’s happy.

I was really upset about nile deciding to wait to make it official, but now i am glad. i think this is good , because i just got out of a relationship. Niles the only one i want, but i think knowing i’m not tied down helps me be less stressed. I need to find myself before i decide to go the full mile with nile. (even tho im so emotionally and physically loyal. i cant talk to multiple people at once, so im technically “ taken” in my mind, even though...anyway *sigh* its complicated)

Also i think with nile, he doesnt want to be in a fully committed relationship unless he knows he has the time to fully be engaged and involved( actually i know this is true, he told me). Also i think he wants to know that someday he might even put a ring on it...

anyway, i love him but thats still behind sealed doors because were trying to hold back so were not devastated when he gets deployed with the US Army in a few months...

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