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scaryarcade · 1 year

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are u able to talk more about coming to understand being a median subsystem within a multiple system cuz thats my situation lmao. im very comfortable with my DID cause ive known about it for 8 years but i only started seriously considering being a facet within the past year and recently have been using my name instead of the other name

ive KNOWN about median systems for as long as ive known abt my plurality (we used to id as median bc the plural community on here was awful and shoehorned everyone who didnt fit stereotypical DID displays into that label, but even then we knew it was wrong) but actually understanding being median myself is all new to me. the lack of clear distinction between me and the other facet and what to even refer to ourselves as is frustrating

although, on the other hand its certainly relieving coming to understand this part of myself, especially because i was suppressed for a long time because i didnt really understand what was actually happening and thought it was an unhealthy thing (can elaborate more on that if needed)

P.S. part of the reason i have DID is because i was abused by my psychiatrist when i was a kid so i fucking hate the psych system too 👍 ur a real one u get it

hi yeah i can do my best!

i only really became aware of being a subsystem...i guess it must have been last year, in the spring? i dont think we actually even really were a subsystem before that. we used to be 1 singular alter, who also happened to be the host--we started hosting right around the beginning of the pandemic in 2020. i think the stress of hosting, both internal and external, caused us to fragment. i think trauma processing has contributed to splits in our subsystem as well? i know 🐛 most likely formed to embody & cope with unearthed feelings/memories related to a specific kind of trauma; in kind of the opposite fashion, i think 🎶 formed to avoid and detach from trauma processing.

its really hard to concisely pin down why "median subsystem" feels like the right term as opposed to just "subsystem", so i'm just going to throw out a bunch of random stuff we experience (this got long so i'm putting it under a cut):

our relationships with each other are very different from our relationships with other alters. we feel intrinsically connected, although we can also feel extremely separate from each other & often have high dissociative barriers. communication & control over switches is actually much harder within my subsystem than it is with alters outside it! (i think this is because of a lack of clear distinction, like you mentioned in your ask.) we often conceptualize ourselves as being clones or copies of the same person; we often feel like different versions of one person. most of us use the same name(s). all of these are factors in why we use the term "median" for ourselves

figuring this out has been a long and confusing process. especially because often we DO function as one unit and all kind of blend together. dissociative barriers sometimes greatly diminish when we feel very safe or minimally stressed; on the other hand, when barriers are high, introspection is hard!!! so coming to terms with "sometimes i just won't know what facet i am for sure and that's ok" has been a whole thing.

i will say the number one thing that has helped us distinguish between each other has been starting to understand our switch triggers. we've really only started fully grasping this within the past month or so. but we are reaching a point where we can look at what's going on in our life and what's going on with our emotions/stress and figure out which facet is likely to be here rn to deal with it.

switches in our subsystem tend to be triggered internally when one of us hits some kind of emotional limit. 🐛 tends to stress out and be hypervigilant and defensive to the point where it can't physically function; when it collapses under the weight of that, then i often show up to give us a break bc my default response is to freeze/go numb lol. if we are lethargic/depressed/frozen for too long or feel stifled/trapped by stressors, 🎶 shows up with basically infinite energy and optimism to break us out of that fog. alternatively, if i get overwhelmed by shame/guilt, 🌻 will perceive this as a threat to our safety and show up with all of his defensiveness & prickliness & general misanthropy lmao.

so, anyway, for us, when we're trying to figure out who's who the general question we've landed on is "what has been overwhelming to us recently" and we can usually get a better sense of who's out this way.

ofc idk if any of this will be at all applicable to your situation but i wanted to share my experience in as much detail as i can jsut in case any of this does end up being helpful ^_^

#abyssposting #asks #🛸

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bignutspatrol · 1 year

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aight got rid of the irls. mental illness rambling, not anything negative, just reflecting again. big talk on dissociation so avoid if thats an issue for u

idk we used to be so terrified of the whole 'integration' thing but there is something so.. calming and beautiful(?) in acting as one. we're still different in a way, but we're so blurred together that there may as well be no difference between one another. 'switches' are basically seamless at this point, though we never had too much of an issue with that. Amnesia isnt an issue, i mean theres still some memories that we cant really.. access or thinking about it brings up a mental "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS" mental prompt. but like, with no real therapy getting this far is pretty good, no? i dont think i can get too much farther on my own, but thats fine for now. i think theres one or two parts that havent been integrated, judging from gaps and things ive just kinda observed. dissociating is still kind of an issue, but its hard to tell how much of that is from mental illness and how much is from my physical shit just being really bad rn. its never for very long though, and i can snap myself out of it at this point. looking back at how i used to feel like i was.. only ever vaguely aware of things going on, voices just constantly ordering around the body like im a puppet, the fear i felt back then. felt like i was drowning in pure ass dissociation. man. shits so much better. i mean theres also the fact that we actually communicate but. its so relieving to feel like im actually in control, and to actually be in control at least at times. and also to be able to actually trust my parts now too. i still cant tell who the fuck or what the fuck i am but thats fine? i dont think it matters too much at this point. sometimes it bothers me, but like....idk man, friends say im nice n cool, so who cares. i can recognize i have some bad habits and shit, and try to work on them... and the obsession with art is pretty consistent. so is this rambling. dont think what or who i am matters much past that. we've been mostly present the last year or so and its just... its so amazing how we act when we aren't clouded in that shit. feels like a completely new person. i mean it basically is lol but. its so fucking good, i thought i was just an asshole before that but nope! just hard to care or interact with people when your mind does not exist. turns out im kinda funny and bitches like that! who fucking knew. idk when i get that driving license i think ill finally bother to get a therapist. got some things i wanna do that i can only do when i get over the whole trauma shit.

even with all that said a lot of this progress happened /after/ being single. bpds like that lol. man im so fucking glad im over the whole 'if im single i wont be able to live, i can only have a happy life if im with someone' etc shit. i get where its coming from, have that compassion, etc etc, but like... Oh man. Hindsights 20/20. turns out i fucking love myself and love being on my own. i just also love chaotic slightly-bad relationships (i have some standards. not good ones.). gotta work on that too... hah. seriously funny that i kept going on and on abt how good my relationship with [several year dude] was and then. oop. hindsight hits, turns out! probably not that great. especially in the last year. i mean he did cheat on me after leaving me in the dark for months on end so like, no shit, but. idk best not to go into detail on that one. think some ppl that know him follow here lmao. dude is fine, just a bad partner. not abusive just not a good fit for me at all. maybe i just dont understand other depressed people at all lmao? tho my depression is kinda wacky since my emotions are kinda wacky as hell. gonna absolutely have to unpack that one with a therapist. i totally get why its like that but lmaooo solving that is too hellish for me.

#personal #even vaguely thinking about those memories makes the panic surge in someone. man...#still good to poke at them every now and then though i think? hm.#who knows.#not me. im not a fuckin professional. i just do a shit ton of research and experimentation #have a lot thoughts. wanted to just write them. and this account has always kinda been a place i put it #aside form my now deleted priv twt #there was a two whole extra paragraphs and then i was like. hm. no. thats a bit too big of a bomb to drop here actually lets keep that one #actually private i think lol #no one fuckin reads these (that is so fine) and no one follows this acc (also so fine) but like. its still not private enough ykn

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systemerrorbonnie · 3 years

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sits down

#[salutations sir!.txt]#dont rb ill kill u #im dissociating hard rn and dont know who i am!!!#im certainly not mike thats for sure #i Might be a new alter #and dont make fun of me. but i might be a onceler fictive #i dont know what wouldve caused us to split though #i think we should put away social media for now. i still need to figure out who i am and we need to sleep #ill rb the gn post

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innocencelives · 2 years

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big show and party went really well. still in a p good mental place. i started EMDR today and the first session was mostly making sure your not tooo dissociated, depressed, or anxious for emdr. i was mostly truthful on the depressed and anxious but the 3 pages of dissociation questions was like..intimately describing my entire life. it is alot better than it was but, dissociatings always been my biggest symptom and one of my biggest issues. i totally lied my way out of that one which is okay bc i really am in the best place ive been in a while. im rlly interested to see what happens, i would say i am definitely ready for more memories. the emdr woman seemed pretty kind actually, but u never know i mean dont they always seem kind at first? well see. i am sort of struggling with money rn. im trying to transition from monthly dipping into my disability backpay, to making that money myself with a lil side etsy business. the goal is that i start making 600$ a month before my backpay completely runs out, then id be totally screwed. bc disability just honestly will never be enough to live off of, its just not possible. and thats a matter of working p hard on my craft, and also finding a set of clients who trust me. its also itself a balance between buying materials and then maybe a month later make a return on your investment. i still cant work a real job, so im hoping this will turn into something stable. symptoms wise im pretty okay, trying to manage things as they come up. but overall, things are stable.

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tac-confessions · 3 years

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K lemme clear some stuff up since some of you cant read, and yes im gunna be aggressive as hell in this because none of you listen

First few things, i am not suicidal, i did not say i was going to off myself, i do not know who that anon was but because of everyone saying that anon was me, that anon is not getting the help they deserve from you people so maybe instead of looking for another petty reason to justify your actions against me, think for a second how ignorant your actions are to someone who is legitimately struggling with life right now. How do you think that anon feels? To have posted that as an attempt to seek help or something or to vent, and then see everyone going “omg vlixxie did this to guilt trip deku!!1!” Yeah, please use your brains thank you

To clarify, what i said was that i have struggled with suicidal thoughts and tendancies in the past, im getting help and im getting better, but i still struggle with heavy depression, i did not intend for this to be a guit trip, i realized how aggressive i was towards deku and i attempted to explain why i got so angry at them, receiving vivid violence threats like that really can trigger memories of when i was struggling with life, it can trigger a lot of dissociation and anger and hard shit to deal with, please do not take my words out of context if your going to go off on me for that, no one likes a hypocrite

K second thing, can you FUCK OFF with the ableist autism comments what the actual fuck is wrong with you anons. Seriously? You think people are defending me because im uwu autistic cant do shit? Yeah i have autism, yeah its a disorder thats hard af to deal with, but you know what? I fucking deal with it because life doesnt go soft on you because yoy have more trouble navigating it. I know how to control myself, i know how to form words, i can function as a human being and implying that i cant and that thats the only reason people are defending me is sickening and dehumanizing. Stop minimalizing me and the autistic community as a fucking whole just because you want reasons for me to be at fault

Next point, the slurs, oh the slurs, deku used the R slur against me. Deku did not know i was autistic, i did not ever expect them to have known that as i didnt tell them so i’d appreciate it if you dropped that whole “how could deku know!!” Im not mad because deku used a specific slur against autistic people against me. Im mad because deku used a slur as an insult. As i have been informed, deku also has some kind of disorder, but thats none of my business so i wont ask. The point is, deku has a disorder so in technicality he is likely eligable to reclaim the R slur. The issue with how deku used the slur was they used it as an insult, thats not how reclaiming works, reclaiming a slur is a process used by the minority to slowly take the edge away, to take away its power, so it cant be used against them anymore. When you “reclaim” a slur by using it as an insult, your giving it more power, your using it to descriminate, your doing literally the oposite of reclaiming. So dont come at me with the “deku can use the slur” because while thats true, using a slur to belittle or insult someone takes away any rights you might have and makes you just as discriminatory as anyone else using a slur as an insult

My triggers, so as i gave mentioned in this and as i have mentioned in notes and past posts, violence indicators and threats in general are pretty triggering for me, i dont know why ya’ll started saying “how could deku know??” Because i never said i expected them to know, newsflash, i really dont. Im not open about most of my triggers because most are centered around trauma or are embarrassing to talk about, ya’ll think i wanna be out here talking about how i used to wanna off myself? Ya’ll think im enjoying that? Nah not one bit i’d rather shut my damn mouth on that but it’d just give you people yet another reason to come at me so here we are. Deku did not know those two things would especially set me off, but the fact of the matter is that deku used a slur against me, and deku threatened me. Wether those two things are triggers for me or not they’re disgusting behavior and sick. The reason i brought up the triggers was like i said earlier, to try and explain why i got so aggressive at deku in addition to the original nature of the threats and insults

I legitimately dont know what “evidence” ya’ll have against me but your claiming you got screenshots of me doing/saying something that apparently warrants you to attack me, before ya’ll start sending those screens out like u claim your gunna do, maybe you should dm me and ask for my side, instead of furthering the one sided nature of this shitshow. I do have beef with endo rn, i have had beef with endo for a while now, but i kept it all in private, i didnt say anyting, i vented to my friends a few times because it was stressful as fuck and it was eating me up inside, i gave them screenshots when they asked but i literally never took this public. So before you try to attack me for “publicly” shaming endo, maybe consider that you are literally the people who made this a public affair and literally publicly shamed *me* for nothing

You had no reason to make this public, you had no reason to attack me, you’re grasping at straws trying to find a way to justify your actions, your trying to use me as a scape goat to take the blame off you, but you know what? I own up to my actions, i apologize when necessary, i genuinely want to better myself when i fuck up. And i dont use my mental health or my disorders as a sheild, i explain them when it’s necessary to the situation so dont twist that against me because it’ll only make you more of an asshole

Finally, people arent defending me because i have autism, people arent defending me because im “helpless” people are not defending me because i cant control myself or for any reason your describing, people are defending me because someone blatantly publicly threatened me with no basis and continued to harrass me and bully me into submission. To keep saying people are defending me because i have autism is not only offensive to me as a person with autism, its offensive to the whole ass community, we can take care of ourselves, just because we’re different doesnt mean you can pick our strengths and weaknesses apart and force an identity upon us

So before you make another post trying to further pin everything on me and make more shitty comments against me to justify yourself, consider that maybe you actually fucked up

And for the record, you keep saying i fucked up and im deflecting and i got called out, no one has told me how i fucked up, no one has told me why i apparently deserve this, so how the fuck do you expect me to apologize for actions i did that you wont tell me about. I cant apologize for things i didnt know offended or hurt you, not unless you downright tell me that it hurt you, im not a mind reader, and publicly shaming me isnt going to change that

Thank you.

#TW #submission #suicide ment #trauma ment

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tillman · 4 years

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Pls infodump about lancelot from what i observe almost everyone hates him? (Ok its understandable bec of his affair with queen) im curious why do you like lancelot? And i remember a few days ago you post that there so many things you want to talk about him? And i want to see you rant/gush about his character, relationships, mental illness, his flaws etc ans also what is the difference between fate lancelot and lancelot in the legends? I want to know more about him he is complicated

OK its not that everyone hates him its that people hate what he stands for. the french side of arthurian lit is VERY focused on making lancelot seem like the greatest knight in the entire world because…. wow… hes french. and french people suck. stop normalizing the french. i like lancelot because of what he COULD stand for. theres a lot of things that could be delved into more (his mental illnesses, his communication issues, his inability to comprehend love, the struggle with being unholy or wrong, ect) but no one ever does. so i stole him hes mine now fuck the french they did him dirty.

uhm ok this is under a cut for talks of kinda heavy topics (lots of mental health talk, lots of abuse talk) and also cus its long. sorry i have a lot to say about him)

i like lancelot a lot cus i see myself a lot in him. mostly in his mental health and how he ends up dealing with situations. his struggle with violent mood swings and his huge burden of being labeled as a sinner or whatever for a relationship he admits to feeling trapped in is…. relateable… comforting to see in a fictional character i guess. as flawed as he is hes still heralded as a good person. hes still loved by his friends and his family. and thats nice.. i like it.

uhm for his mental health the main thing that comes out is his struggles with trauma, awful depression, and also just the fact he dissociates a lot. in knight of the cart he is so out of it he doesnt realize a knight is attacking him until hes thrown into the water in which he reacts violently and freaks the fuck out, trying to rip the guy off his horse. he like. physically can not handle extreme emotions and will either fall asleep so he doesnt have to face it (le morte says this is a known quality of him, he does this enough dinadan expects it as soon as he gets mad) or he swings so hard he has an extreme bout of depression (in the vulgate when trying to comprehend his relationship with guenevere and galehaut he just shuts down and spends all his time sleeping or staring at the river) or awful mania (see: the many times guenevere freaks out at him and he gets so upset he jumps out a window and lives in the woods). Lancelot has a lot of unworked out trauma from being r*** twice by the same woman who continues to use him and freak him out so much he cant find camelot safe (triggering another huge spike where he runs off into the woods) or the literal entire end of the legends where he has to deal with the trauma of while having one of his dissociative episodes in combat he accidentally kills gareth, someone he loves and adores like a brother or son and gets so upset he just accepts everything happening and hides in joyous gard, where his cousins have to BEG him to go and defend his honor from gawain whos basically knocking on his door pleading with lancelot to kill him.

lancelots inability to understand a lot of social nuances is also really interesting but like, ultimately leads to a lot of strife for him most namely galehauts death and gueneveres constant abuse. The thing is Lancelot basically idolizes guenevere and this is where a lot of the abuse and weird shit comes from in their relationship. lancelot was a very young knight who honestly didnt understand anything about BEING a knight when he came to court. the queen knighted him and him, being young and not understanding, took this as “i am her knight! i will do anything for her!” and guenevere just kinda ran with this? i dont rlly wanna go too into it ill do that later when i get farther in the vulgate and can talk more on it but it leads to lancelot being trapped in a relationship he admit hurts him, but the small sliver of love guenevere gives him when she needs him is enough to keep him in because his mindset is still “im her knight! this is what a knight should do for his lady!” Galehaut is a different situation where his blindness to social cues and other shit leads to a lot of drama and hellish shit and when he finally snaps and realizes “oh. oh no this is what love should be” its too late and galehaut is dead and lancelot isnt much better. his own mother has to come and convince him not to literally kill himself over this and sends him into a spiral of depression where he doesnt leave the joyous gard for months. when he does and when he comes back to court, no one really … cares? that galehaut is dead. and this is lancelots first experience with actual love and his first experience with the death of someone close to him. which is an awful double whammy to have to experience. he does have good friends like gawain and dinadan and tristan and his relationship with galahad is good but they all end up dead or turned against him by something thats he did and its just. god its so sad to watch. the only people lancelot is left with in the end are his cousins, and even at the end of all of that hes left alone with the corpses of people he thought he loved.

like hes a very flawed man. lancelot is a problem causer and not a problem solver. he doesnt try to he really doesnt, he strives to be the perfect knight mostly for some sliver of appreciation from someone he idolizes he never really ends up getting. he doesnt know how to cope, and ends up making things worse when he inevitably ends up screwing shit up because of this. hes called a sinner and unholy by god, and while he is very proud of his son for what he ends up achieving, has to deal with the trauma of the grail quest alone. he ends up killing someone he loves, and who genuinely respected and cared for him like a brother in a fit of him not being able to deal with heavy emotions. like he truly is in the wrong in most situations but like. in such a pitiable way. hes a good person, but lets his flaws overtake him a lot and pushes away the people who want the best for him. its like…. sad.

(about to talk about fate u can drop off now if u just wanted to read my arthurian lit opinions :-) )

i could go off about fate lancelot and all the problems i have with him for hours but i think the main thing i wanna talk about rn is how they handle his internalization of his life and then just did nothing with it. his wish for the grail is just to be told he was wrong. thats so fucking GOOD!! in life he was heralded as the best knight like of course his one regret was that no one ever stopped him and went “you are wrong. this is wrong. you are doing the wrong thing.” and that being all he wants out of the thing that can grant any wishes is soooooo soo cool and neat. and then they just reduced his personality to “oh boo hoo im so sad im going to fuck a married woman now” like. the fucking dissonance. like lancelot isnt the type for random flings. tristan sure i understand that a bit hes unhinged and hard to characterize and .. honestly does just go around fucking married woman. weirdo. but lancelots entire struggle is over his relationship with guenevere being both wrong morally and literally abusive! i jsut dont get it i dont understand how they built up something so interesting with zero and threw it all out the window it makes me so mad. i dont even wanna talk about fate lancelot anymore rn its giving me a headache cus im so mad.

#hes a really interesting and complex character with a lot of nuance but hes just so dumb #lancleot is the epitome of today i will cause problems on accident #hes just a mess of a man and trying to deal with taht fact but the problem is he has more power #than a man like that should have and it puts himself and others in dangerous situations #Anonymous

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fangirlinginleatherboots · 4 years

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i know you're okay with questions about did so i hope this kind of message is okay. i like your blog a lot and i'm struggling a bit. i have a therapy appointment tomorrow and it's going to be going over my responses to a ~multidimensional inventory of dissociation assessment~. filling it out was really hard. i've worked so hard to pretend these parts of my experience don't exist. i'm scared to admit it. i have the trauma and diagnosis history. a year ago i started taking detailed notes to (1/?)

figure out what was going on when i lost time because i didn't understand what was happening. and now i know. i don't know how to be honest about what happens. when i'm different i just disappear for however many hours or days or weeks or months i need to until i'm present again. getting the diagnosis would mean letting those parts have a right to exist. i've scared ppl close to me when i'm gone. i don't want them to be right. (2/?)how did you talk about this during your diagnosis? i'm afraid that if i'm honest about the severity that i'll be seen like i'm trying to get this diagnosis or that i want it. i still need to finish the assessment. i left some blanks that i couldn't admit to. i haven't been able to look at it again. i've gotten so many diagnosis' over the years but none of them ever quite explained everything (3/4)this fits. i don't want it to. doesn't help that i'm still being constantly gaslit. i feel like i'm being manipulative or have an ulterior motive for not staying silent about this. i don't trust myself. i feel so guilty. there's so much of this i didn't even know wasn't normal. feel free to ignore this if this is uncomfortable. i'm just struggling to let this be happening. i really admire how open you are about it. (4/4)i wrote that in a separate document i didn't realize how long it was sorry about that !!! i am. Embarrassed slightly a lot

sorry for the late reply! and no need to be embarrassed at all!first off, being honest about the severity of your condition is necessary if you want the condition to get better or if recovery of any sort is a goal. the denial and confusion you are experiencing rn are totally normal.

the things you are telling me, literally this thing you have written to me, is EXACTLY what you should tell the person diagnosing you. about the lost time, about the worry you are trying too hard, about the guilt, about the gaslighting, all of it. being open and honest during diagnosis is the best way to ensure that you can get the best quality care. in order to recover, the issues must be addressed, but they cannot be addressed if the the diagnostician is unaware of their existence or severity.

i cant offer much from my personal experiences. my diagnosis was something i had to fight for. i didnt have doctors who even understood dissociation or knew i could be tested. i had doctors who straight up said DID doesnt exist in response to a protector switching in during therapy. i dont even remember who finalized my dx bc it was basically me just going to ppl, saying what was happening, and them shuffling me around between new therapists and doctors until i wound up with a few who agreed with me that something was wrong.

you are brave for making it as far as you have. you are worthy of the care and recovery that a diagnosis could bring. its okay to feel the way you are feeling right now and as you continue to give yourself to the process of diagnosis, it will feel better. im really proud of you for writing out all those feelings. i believe in you!

#bootsie's advice column #collective #Anonymous

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getallemeralds · 5 years

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So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

#leo chirps #leos reply #system shit #i dont think i covered EVERYTHING #and im not sure how coherent this is #but i tried! :D #Anonymous #ask #pat.txt

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mental-health-advice · 6 years

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Submission from Oxford

(1/?) Hello this may be long. Tag as Oxford. So Ive either had really great mental health or poor mental health. I struggled w depression for awhile and the verge of an eating disorder but I am good with those now. Apparently I have anxiety but i disagree (just because I think doesnt mean Im anxious?). But there is always something going on. Currently, I am content but I find myself ABRUPTLY emotional and nearly on the verge of tears over random things (an old woman was my cashier today—

(2/?) —and I nearly cried in my car because I just got sad wondering if she was alone, she sounded so alone. Some things have randomly have a super big impact on me, like abnormally. This is an example of what I think is wrong with me; except I am contenr. I am fairly happy I think. Another example of a bad period I went through was 7-8 months ago where I couldnt tell what was reality and what wasnt, I disassociated for nearly 3 weeks and then was immediately fine afterwards. Then—

(3/?) After those three weeks and then being fine, I was put on pills for “anxiety” and nearly got hospitalized (TRIGGER WARNING!) because I was happy but I was so intrigued in killing myself. I wanted to cut my arms open so badly. But I felt fine. Then that period ended and I’ve been fairly normal besides “anxiety.” So this has been my life for four years now: I experience a bad period like depression, starving, disassociating, suicidal thoughts, etc, but in between them, I feel—

(4/?) perfectly fine and happy, maybe some true anxiety but nothing bad. And Ive seen a counselor two separate times, the first time was foe 6ish months and she felt I was good enough to stop seeing her and I agreed (I was in a “perfectly fine” state). Same thing happened the second time (sent back after I was threatened to be hospitalized) . But it seems that after I stop seeing her, even though it comes to a point where there is no help from seeing her, it seems that after—

(5/?) i stop seeing her then something goes completely wrong (the dissociative period for example or this period i in rn). Idk. I think there is something wrong woth me (but at the same time I think there isnt bc I dont have “anxiety” as people think and things like that) but idk how to approach it. I feel like there are two Me’s and one is always trying to shine, which is why sometimes I feel like I am drastically messed up and other times I feel I am perfectly “normal” —

(6/?) Is this abnormal? If so, not asking for a diagnosis, but what’s an opinion on what this is so I could possibly bring it up?? Also also, I dont know how I could bring this up bc people see me as a hypochondriac so I feel i wouldnt be taken seriously— the last time i saw a doctor it was bc j thought i had ocd (another thing, i am “borderline ocd” but i get offended when people think i have anxiety???) but then I had that “perfectly normal” phase again so I feel like Im so left—

(7/?) and right and up and down with myself that it’s hard to even tell what’s wrong if something is wrong. I dont know I dont even know why I sent these in. I forgot my point. Sometimes I just get so into a rambly “something is seriously wrong with me” mood but I feel im just being a “anxious hypochondriac” if I say anything and I dont want to be embarrassed to see a counselor for a third time for s third separate issue. Im sorry this was such a ramble bc I forgot my points—

(8/8) But if anything I said makes sense, please respond to it with as much as you can. I dont think my mind is supposed to be a ferris wheel. And if yall think this is something I should bring up with someone (maybe im in a mania or depressive phase???), that would be great. Thank you and sorry again

Hello Oxford,

Firstly, no need to be sorry! We’re here to listen and help in whatever way we can. So thank you for sending in the message - it’s great that you’re looking for some answers and some support.

I think that if you feel there’s something wrong with the way you’re feeling, then there is something wrong. We’re the most in-tune people with our own bodies and minds, and we know best when something is off. It sounds like you’ve been getting some support for a while, but it hasn’t necessarily been the support that you need. That can definitely leave you in a state of confusion, where things are just staying the same and you’re wondering if things will change.

Although we can’t diagnose you, as we’re not medical professionals, I can say that your symptoms can be a part of a number of mental illnesses. Things like depressive disorders can often come in waves where you feel them intensely for a period of time, then get a break of calm for a while, only to have that wave come back and hit you. Is it possible that those time where you are feeling content, you’re actually feeling detached, or emotionless? Or are you truly fine in those times? It’s something to think about - both types of things can happen in different disorders.

I think that following this, the best thing to do is to get some support on board that is actually helpful for you. The diagnosis that you have is causing you to feel uneasy, as you don’t feel like it fits you, so I think a good place to start is seeing someone who can assess your diagnosis. This might be your family doctor, or you could ask to be referred to a clinical psychologist (must be a clinical psychologist - regular psychologists do not have the training to diagnose) or a psychiatrist. We have a page here on How To Get Help that has some tips on asking for that kind of support. What would be best is being upfront and to the point with your doctor by saying you have been diagnosed with anxiety, but you don’t feel like that’s right and want to be reassessed so that you can get proper treatment. If you don’t feel confident that your doctor will listen, I encourage you to try seeing some different doctors around your area until you find someone that you feel comfortable with. Your comfort and being listened to is very important.

When you do see the person who can diagnose you, I think you should start by explaining what you said to the doctor. They’ll then look at history and symptoms. Be as open and honest as possible, as this will help them determine what is really the underlying problem. Also know that sometimes diagnosis doesn’t happen straight away. I’ve personally started seeing a clinical psychologist for re-evaluation of my own diagnosis, and we’ve have 4 sessions together and he doesn’t yet feel confident in giving a diagnosis. That’s okay - sometimes it takes a bit of chatting, hearing the history, then hearing how everyday life affects you before anything can be determined.

I also want to let you know that if you ever see a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist or anyone that you don’t connect with, or you don’t feel like they listen to you, it is completely within your rights to seek the help from another doctor. It’s important to get the type of support that you personally need, and sometimes it can take a few goes before you meet the person who gives that support. Just make sure to maintain the balance of giving them a chance, and finding what suits you!

Lastly, know that there is nothing wrong for seeking help a third time. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve cycled through therapist and psychologists over the years. If you need help, you need help, and there’s nothing wrong with that. They are there to offer support, and you don’t need to feel embarrassed for asking for help. So please do reach out.

We also have some links here that may help you. Here are some Helplines and Web Counsellors that you can chat to at any time about what you’re feeling. It can help to let it out, and have someone help you find the direction that you need to go. I feel like this may be really helpful for you. We also have a list of Recovery Tools here, which may help you in the times where your emotions become overwhelming.

I hope these tools help you, and that you’re able to reach out for some more support to look in the diagnosis and some coping techniques. You don’t need to feel embarrassed for seeking help - it is exactly what they are there for. Good luck to you, and please don’t hesitate to contact us again if you need.

Positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#oxford #submission #mhaalexandria #mental health advice #advice #advice blog #mental health #anxiety #emotions #diagnosis #doctors #therapists #getting help

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deeeelightfuldee · 3 years

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surveys 054.

Does your middle name begin with letters A-G? no

What is your state's largest city? chicago

Pick your three favourite vegetables. Potatoes, broccoli, cauliflower

Have you ever broken a movie or game disc? yepppppp. sadly

What colour are your brother's eyes? They both have blue eyes

What are you feeling right now? tired, lonely w/o kile

Do you watch Law & Order: Special Victims Unit? Nope

How many flights of stairs are in your house? 2

Have you ever played a drinking game? Which ones? yes never have I ever and fountain

Do you often feel excluded? uhh, in some circumstances. i feel sort of excluded from kiles life all these years now that I know what I know.

Are you good with managing your finances? I hate finances soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much

Do you have an accountant? No.

Did you ever play Neopets when you were younger? Yeah, I loved Neopets.

Have you ever been to Mexico? no

How big is your bathroom? It’s small.. blegh

How many friends do you have on Facebook? I dont know anymore I neevr use it

Do you regularly check anyone's profile online? Admittedly I check my email all the time and kiles google thing to see if I hear from him. Lord, tell me this gets easier

What is the closest pizza place to your house? Aurelios

What age did your mum stop helping you clean your room, if she ever did? When I was like 4

What colour is your toothpaste? blue

Have your parents ever worked in medicine? No.

Do you have any silly nicknames or pet names? diana banana, princess diana

Are you any good at drawing? I can hold my own

Is there anything unusual about your house? uhhhhhhh probably

Can you maintain a text conversation or do you run out of things to say? Im usually very good at keeping up. If i’m not then its usually because Im uncomfortable or mad

How old will you be turning in 2020? I turned 29

Have you ever met anyone with Multiple Personality Disorder? It’s called Dissociative Identity Disorder now <<<yes

What is your favourite type of cookie? chips ahoy

Do you spell things the way I do? (colour, favourite, flavour etc.) No u’s

When was the last time you painted your nails? graduation. I just dont care about much rn

Does taking surveys make you sleepy? usually it calms me, yes

How many vowels are in your mother's full name? 9

Do you find it hard to talk to strangers, even people who work in stores? i just dont want to

Have you ever tasted goat's milk? yes yuck

Are you a fidgety person? I am not

How many serious relationships have you been in? more than was necessary

Did you ever take classes for a musical instrument when you were younger? Yeah and i was soooooooooo mad about it

Is there anything going on outside your window? I mean, probably. wildlife is wild rn

What was your favourite board game as a child? Trouble, Sorry!, Chutes and Ladders, Candy Land, etc. <<<< YES plus rummycub

Do you listen to Rise Against? a few songs. I wonder if Kile has listened to our playlist

When was the last time you congratulated someone? Kile on a grade he got

Have you ever taken care of a newborn baby? so many times

How old were you when you got your ears pierced? I was a baby.

Do you snore when you sleep? I don’t

Have you ever been 10-pin bowling? uhhhhhhhhhhhh no idea

Do you have your own bowling ball and shoes? No.

What was the last type of burger you ate? like the quality of beef?

Have you cried in the past week? Yes. I am constantly goin to the bathroom to cry im miserable without kile

What will you rate this survey? It was fine.

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tr4zh-r4t · 3 years

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TW- psychosis

currently the delusion my brain has been trying to pull me into is that i really am old, and the reason i feel dissociated all the time and memories feel just as broken as the present is becuade im in one. im in a memory. the world i live in around me is but a memory frail, old, dementia induced me is ataying in, and thats why i feel like i have control. if i listen hard enough i hear voices and i can see things thatbdont pertain to this moment. and it makes sense, this is just how im coping. im probably stuck in a mental hospital, wired up on drugs, and living blissfully back to when my body worked and my brain wasnt as broken. and the truth is, i dont know if i have any way to disprove this. aomeone promised me it wasnt but how do i know? they could be a nurse feeding my delusion. who knows. hopefully ill be able to shake this feeling in a while, idk why im stuck on it rn

#mine

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1300splaguerat · 7 years

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hey i love yall but i cant help anyone rn please dont ask for advice and please tell me before youre gonna vent to me. im so competely dissociated i am in survival mode so please be gentle with me i dont really know where i am or who i am right now and im having a really terrible time and i am trying incredibly hard not to burden anyone, to keep to myself and not hurt anyone, not ask for help and dig deep into myself. but i am running thin w/ how much i have to help others. please be patient with me thank you

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omnieater-moved · 7 years

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i was tagged by @notquitedeadyet

rules: answer these 85 statements & tag 20 people

the last:

1. drink: water.!! like a good boi

2. phone call: @saltwaterknight

3. text message: my mom lmfao

4. song you listened to: Eveyln Eveyln by Eveyln Evelyn

5. time you cried: 9 am lmfao

have you ever: 6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: who hasn’t????? 8. been cheated on: Numerous times 9. lost someone special: uhhh 10. been depressed: what sort of stupid question is that ofc ive been depressed 11. gotten drunk & thrown up: No vomit yet mdudes

favorite colors:

12. Green

13. Blue

14. Red

in the last year have you: 15. made new friends: Mhm!! 16. fallen out of love: hoh boy have I 17. laughed until you cried: who hasn’t???? 18. found out someone was talking about you: ,,,again, who hasn’t???? 19. met someone who changed you: ofc! 20. found out who your friends are: oh man yeah 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: I odn’t have fb anymore so ,,, no?

general: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: No fb buddy pal 23. do you have any pets: I MEAN TECHNICALLY BUT MY BABIES ARE SO FAR AWAY SOBS IM SUFFERING 24. do you want to change your name: bls 25. what did you do for your last birthday: threw a pity party and dissociated, went to bed at like 7 26. what time did you wake up: uh.4 am 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping like a weakling 28. name something you can’t wait for: MY BIRTHDAY NEXT YERA JKAHFDJSFHSDKJ 31. what are you listening to right now: Dirty Night Clowns by Chris Garneau 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: I want him to die 33. something that is getting on your nerves: My fat 34. most visited website:either cherubplay, tumblr, or flightrising 35. hair colour: Natural: so dark brown its almost black Right now: a few month old bleach blond 36. long or short hair: short rn but Im fixing to grow out a cool long mohawk u feel me 39. piercings: 2 in each ear, septum. 40. blood type: lmfao I haven’t been to the doctor enough to know that 41. nicknames:Si 42. relationship status: *awkward and vague shrugging* 43. zodiac: Leo 44. pronouns: he/him 45. favourite tv show: Ghost Adventures + Rick and Morty 46. tattoos:none,,,yet

47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: lmfao 49. piercing: squints 50. sport: I dont rlly play any rn but I love swimming, soccer, and badminton

51. vacation: GIMME THE OCEAN YOU BITCHES

52. pair of trainers: I have knock off walmart converse

more general 53. eating: noodles n rice are my lifeblood 54. fav drink: bubble tea!! 55. what you’re up to: listening to music, editing rp tumblrs 56. waiting for: death 57. want: bubble tea now dammit 58. get married: to somebody I love 59. career: vocalist, maybe a broadway actor???? if not Im down w art comissions lfmao but my autistic ass is terrified of Real Jobs which is better: 60. hugs or kisses: why do I gotta choose 61. lips or eyes: why do I gOTTA CHOSOE 62. shorter or taller: WHY DO I GOTTA CHOOSE 63. older or younger: as long as ur not immature af lmfao 64. nice arms or nice stomach:uh 65. hook up or relationship: uH 66. troublemaker or hesitant: It depends on how bad my anxiety is tbh have you ever: 67. kissed a stranger: boy have I 68. drank hard liquor: bOY HAVE I 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: Lever have had any glasses, but Ive lost cosplay contacts 70. turned someone down: Ive tried to then he became my stalker for 2+ years. 71. sex on the first date: ish? 72. broken someone’s heart: ish????? 73. had your heart broken: yep 74. been arrested: technically yeah 75. cried when someone died: RIP DAVID BOWIE I LOVE YOU 76. fallen for a friend: demisexuality yaaaaaalll

do you believe in 77. yourself: snrk 78. miracles: yea but im doubtful 79. love at first sight: def

80. santa claus: eh 81. kiss on the first date: if it goes good 82. angels: eh

other

83. current best friend’s name: JACE N EDDIE N COLLIN N DIRK N PERCYNJSDAFG

84. eye colour: hazel

85. favourite movie: Repo! The Genetic Opera Uhhhh I dont have many people to tag but @fuckingbirdseeds @saltwaterknight

#personal #sea speaks

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