#im a NARCISSIST jasmine dont do this to me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

undyinghappinessblog · 5 years

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Excuse me while I take out my trash.

Hi. Fuck. Okay so obviously its been a while...but I gotta get this shit OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD. So here it is.

Okay so I have really fucked up anxiety man. And I know that I am not the only person who experiences this, but because it is so fuckin stigmatized, I feel like I am the only one who has it like this. Which, I admit is ignorant and realllyyy narcissistic, but man. With all of this fuckin social media shit with people sharing their fuckin auditions, and when they book roles and photoshoots, and beautiful parties and houses and shit, it makes me feel like I am a loser and I question why my life doesn't look like that. As if something is wrong with me and my life because my fuckin instagram doesn't look like fuckin ‘Jasmine’s instagram. And it doesn't help that I AM GETTING NO AUDITIONS. AND NO BITES FOR A NEW AGENNNTTTT. I feel like I am wasting my life and all of these things are moving so fast past me like a scene in the fuckin Matrix while I am stuck in one spot and I cant move forward with everyone else while they are off being successful. Okay. Breathe.

Okay so now that bit is out, I have been experiencing CRAZY anxiety before class. Like to a point where I become so aware of myself that I feel like I am looking at myself from inside of my head and I am screaming “OHHH GOD I AM TALKING. OH MY GOD AM I SAYING RIGHT? OH FUCK I HAVE TO GET THIS OVERWITH I AM SO SCARED EVERYONE IS LOOKING OH FUCK IM SPEAKING IM SPEAKING IM SPEAKING”. I’ll even get it when I am being the reader. Like...when the attention is on someone else and the work is about them, I am fucking worrying about how I sound, or making sure that I am looking at the person in the ‘right’ way, or wondering if the other person is thinking I look like or sound like an idiot or a freak. I am COMPLETELY outside of myself and not connecting or being present with the other person. I think what I need to do is focus ALL of my attention on the person across from me and just try to be in that scene. I owe it to the story and quite frankly, I owe it to myself. Fuck. I dont like this fuckin anxious version of myself. Like I just want her to shut the fuck up and pipe down. Like. I know that she will always be there and be apart of me, but its not serving me in ANY way or ANY aspect of my life. I think I just need to recognize when she is rearing her fuckin obnoxious and ugly ass head and just TRUST in myself. And KNOW that I can do this. And that I dont need to operate from that place of fear and know that I have control over it. She will still be there, but. I will be in control and in charge.

Fuck, lastly. I gotta figure out how the fuck to handle my dad. Hes always had problems with handling his depression and taking care of himself, but fuck man he places so much of it on my sister and I. And honestly, I cant be responsible for it anymore. Its not that I dont want to, because I do. I want my dad to be happy. I want to have a healthy and good relationship with my dad. But its so fuckin hard when he tries to unload shit on me and looks to me for answers that I dont have and I shouldn't have. And like. Its affecting me. Like. I put off shit in my life and things that are out of my own interest and my own health so that I can try to make him happy. How fucked up is that. I cant do that for anyone. If I want to become more confident and trust in myself, I have to be able to put myself first and not look back. I think its time that I start my own life in that way. I cant keep doing shit for other people or to make other people happy because I will never give myself the chance to look at what I want or what makes me happy. It puts me in a position where I dont even know what those things are for me and thats not something that I want for myself anymore.

I’m going to start trusting myself and acting out of that trust. Because shit man. I am smart enough to know that life is too short to waste it on making other people happy. You lose yourself, your self worth and your fuckin lust of life. And I have gone through too much trash and shit to lose that. I am still young, and I am stopping this bullshit right now.

So. Anxiety and self deprecating thoughts: Fuck off. Theres a new fuckin way of being in this world and you are not going to control me anymore. I dont care how cheesy or stupid that sounds. I am so smart. And so strong. And so wise. And so funny. And so worthy. And I dont need you anymore. Or want you to be around anymore.

I trust myself.

I know myself.

I am enough.

I am going to take care of and love myself.

So fuck you and goodbye.

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