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talietikasero · 3 years

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Stability

Random prompt from 8/11 [finished 8/16]: rewrite the Strive ending / create an alternate epilogue [to line up with my story project]. I may or may not rewrite the whole thing for fun lmao.

[Main story preview here (contains 6 scenes)] // [Chapter 1 now on AO3]

"I guess... that's what they meant..." She let out between huffs. Both the voice in her head and the former Sanctus Maximus Populi said the same thing regarding her potential ability.

“When the time comes, with your seed, you hold the power to save or destroy the world.”

“You can prevent the end of it all.”

Energy drained, she fought off the sluggish pace her body was moving. Looking over to her partner, she noticed he was barely hanging on to his life, staying incredibly still, and trying to regulate his breathing while facing down. While her body contained the [Scales of Juno], he had the [Flame of Corruption] ripped out from his, reverting him to a human. "On second thought, don't move." Once she closed the distance between them, she knelt and put her arms around him. Face against the scuffed leather sleeve, and she struggled to hold her emotions in. "H-hey..." Voice cracking, she lowly muttered between sniffles, "please, don't go..."

"..."

"You... you stayed true to... your word about... a-about..."

"..."

"Fighting to... s-save the world..."

"If the world was going to disappear tomorrow... What would you do today?"

"What kind of a question is that? Stop whatever's ending the world or die trying."

Her embrace tightened as tears ran down her face. "Human, Gear, or neither. The world still needs you."

With drooped ears and saddened eyes, the wolf spirit whined. Its host and companion soothed it by scratching behind its ears and reassuring the worst had come to pass. "(It's okay, Rei. We're still alive.)." She whispered to the spirit in her native tongue. Another whine followed by a lick to the side of her face, Giovanna patted Rei's forehead. "What? Are you worried about me? I'm okay, I swear." She winced as another sharp pain ran through her body. "Ouch..." Her superior, the President, placed a hand on her shoulder. Half-expecting him to say she's no longer needed, she began, "I'm sorry-..."

"None of that." Vernon's voice was firm; however, it sounded... fatherly. He may have his doubts about the agent, but he knew she was more than capable of the job. Facing off against an unstoppable force, she did prove she's worth giving a higher position. "I can tell what you were thinking, but you're not being let go. You take as much time as you need off, Gio. Goldlewis, Erica, and I will await your return."

Saddened at the loss of someone he could consider a friend, the time traveler meekly looked down at the minty green and white guitar he held in his hands. This entire time he was unaware of her true identity. If he had to lose someone like her, it didn't have to be this way. Regardless of if she recalled who he was and why he was important to her in the first place, false memory or not. He threw away his chance to return home a while ago, and now he felt that it would've been for nothing had he gone through with it. "It shouldn't have ended like this... Megumi." Axl softly said under his breath.

After regaining control over his body and revealing the wicked goddess's weak point, the vampiric samurai pierced the ground a few centimeters with his sword. He kneeled to show his appreciation for defeating the evil force that used him as a puppet. Now, he could see why his master was fascinated by the will of a single person. This same person was stripped of his powers and still faced death head-on. "May you rest for now. The next time we meet, it won't be as enemies, but acquaintances." Drawing his blade from the ground, Nagoriyuki sheathed it and took his leave.

The King of Illyria – his lifelong rival and their son-in-law – made his way over to them, stopping a few feet short to maintain distance. "It's finally over. They're gone. We can... we can go home now." Part of him wanted to hold a hand out to help him stand, yet he held back and deemed that action unnecessary. Ky's spirits rose once he noticed the man in front of him was taking steady deep breaths -- body slowly moving to show signs of life.

Right hand maintaining its grip on the Outrage's handle, his free hand lightly grasped one of hers. Face still downward, a weak smile formed. "...You think so?"

She couldn't believe it. He's hanging by a thread and using what energy he should be saving to answer her with a question of his own.

"I know so."

The past three weeks were a blur. From the day she woke up and adjusted to this new world to the present, where she aided in bringing down a god. She never would've guessed that any of these events could've transpired. In the days leading up to September 2016, she was a terminally ill scientist who refused any life-saving alternative to live past what little time she had left, insisting she spent it with her significant other. Fast forward to December 2187, and she was brought back to life and became the partner of humanity's savior -- the very same person, albeit for the last time.

_____

The next day, another patient was checked into the hospital. This time there wasn’t a commotion caused by bringing his unconscious form bursting through the front doors. She wasn’t strong enough to carry him in her arms like he held her – that’s what the gurney from the airship’s infirmary wing was for.

“I have a request. May I stay here until he recovers? I… I don’t want to leave him.”

Three days later, word had reached his family that he's – miraculously and defying all odds – alive. His refusal to follow the light after what had happened was attributed to his stubborn nature. The Grim Reaper knocked at his door, and he slammed it shut in their face. Occupying the same bed, in the same patient room as her around a month ago, the now de-powered hero lay hooked up to the vitals system.

"Is he going to be alright?"

"Hard to say, but he'll pull through. He did wake up this morning, so there's something, yeah?"

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but has anyone seen my mother? About my height, short red hair with white underneath, and wearing a blue leather jacket? She hasn't been seen since everyone returned."

"She's in the room and hasn't left at all. I had someone stop by the house and bring her spare clothes since she spent the last four days here."

"Oh, thank god." The queen was relieved to know her mother's whereabouts. She respected her parents' privacy by not asking if she was able to go in.

---

Ring-ring. Ring-ring. Ring-ring-ring.

Sighing in aggravation, she answered her phone. There was only one person she kept in contact with these past few days. "What do you want now? He's still not up, so stop cal-..."

"I was going to ask something else. I'm going to regret this, but are you still angry?"

"You're a smart man to keep your distance from me, but a dumbass to ask that. Of course, I am! You ruined our lives with your 'self-righteousness' and nearly brought another apocalypse."

"...Aria, I understand your rage. If only I could rewind time and prevent your illness. I shouldn't have forcibly converted him and disappeared with your sleep capsule. It wasn't my intention to have our research weaponized, but I was figuratively and literally held at gunpoint to hand it over to the US Government. I should've known better and anticipated that Chaos -- erm, the Original's creation would sabotage your activation. Your screams still haunt me... and... I'm... I'm sorry."

"Asuka."

"I can't fix this by excessively apologizing and listing off my crimes, but I hope everything goes well for you and Frederick."

"Whatever. Enjoy the moon, or don't." She ended the call before her former friend could reply. "Asshole." Aria slumped back in the chair and opened her book to the page she left off. "We should've launched you into the sun."

"Oh my. And I thought 'Sol' was a hothead. You're pretty harsh, you know that? It's more frightening than I-No on a good day." Jack-O's voice rang through. Capable of feeling and expressing emotions herself, the Valentine was taken aback at what she heard during their calls. "If possible, can we listen to his show sometime? Please?"

"...Okay."

"Thank you. ~"

---

Forty minutes after the heated conversation, a groggy voice broke the silence.

"Is the... afterlife a sterile... hospital room?" Frederick's eyes were half-open, staring directly at the ceiling.

Aria closed what she was reading and placed it on the counter. Ignoring the monitors that once kept track of her, she looked over his body to see minimal damage sustained. "Looks like you've still got some of that healing factor. Or you're just too hardheaded to die."

He slightly turned his head to face her. "Heh. Probably both."

Running a hand through his now short hair, her lips curved into an unsure smile. "Welcome back to the land of the living?"

"This doesn't look like heaven. If you're my welcome guide, then I'll stay." His body was still sore, but he extended his arm out for her to hold his hand. The warmth from the fire magic still dwelling within them made their contact feel safer.

"I should've worn that jumpsuit and halo." Her inner voice's reaction was an exaggerated throat clear. "But if I did," she held a finger to her temple, "I don't think she would've appreciated that."

"I would've been mildly annoyed at best. Mildly annoyed yet honored that you'd wear it because of what you did."

"You're really pissed off at Asuka, aren't you?"

"How much did you hear?"

"All of it. Didn't know you were capable of that."

"I felt like you after the second day." He took that as a friendly poke at his history. "Since you've saved the world for the last time, are you still up for that 'alternate life' you mentioned the other night? We don't have to stay at Ky and Dizzy's. They can arrange something for us."

His ears perked up at the suggestion. Did she remind him about his statement regarding them settling down? Having survived an act of God, living a quiet life together a few minutes out from the capital didn't sound like a terrible idea. "What did you have in mind?"

"A fair-sized home, nothing too big or small, probably just down the way from their place. I don't want to throw everything away and live in seclusion. We're way out of our own time, but we finally have a family, people who care about us, and we care about them in return. Unless you have a better idea?"

"I'm fine with anything. Can't imagine I'd be able to go out much or at all because I'm officially a dead man."

"Not too long ago, I was a dead woman walking. Besides, the world thinks that Sol Badguy is dead, not Frederick Bulsara."

"Point there. You know, now that I think about it, this situation is just like a month ago."

"With you in my place, but I didn't have to be dragged in? This is the same room where I spent my time recovering. It was also -..."

"Where you got your new start."

"Y-yeah. That's exactly it. This is where I woke up to my new life! Not as Justice, or Jack-O, but as myself. That same day, I met our daughter and her husband, and then I saw you again. Just this time... I've been here since you were checked in. Everyone tried to get me to leave, but I refused."

He noticed the duffel bag placed near the door. There was a pant leg hanging over one side of the unzipped bag, and next to it were two pairs of footwear. "Way to tug at the old heartstrings. Stubborn as always, aren't you?" If he were honest with himself, he wanted to do the same when she was still unconscious. He had the feeling that the IRMC staff wouldn't have thought about asking him to leave the premises, even though he almost kicked the doors clean off the first time.

"One of my best qualities." She winked at him, giggling at her remark.

"Hey, Aria."

"Hm?"

He slowly sat up despite the mild pain, leaning over to bring her in for a hug. "Thank you."

Aria returned the motion, both holding onto each other, not wanting to let go. She had felt incomplete up until this moment. Preventing the end was a combined effort, and she couldn’t be any happier to have been a part of that team.

A sense of déjà vu, the song playing on the radio had neared its end.

You are all I long for All I worship and adore In other words, please be true In other words...

"I love you."

#guilty gear #aria hale #only tagging her since she's the main character of this little project #other characters in this mini prompt: sol axl giovanna nagoriyuki and vernon #also ky asuka and jack-o #the main fic's about 90 percent done #and i wrote this because i hit writer's block for two days #i'm ending the main fic's chapter 3 at the beginning of ggst so i may do some more rewrites #the song at the end is the brenda lee version of fly me to the moon #nat's fanfics #ah whoopsie it's 5am #by the energy drain i intended for her to jump into god i-no's body like in the actual story mode #but then she was torn out after starting the halting process

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ener-chi · 4 years

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Hello! I'd like to ask how did you meet your spirit companions? And do you have any advice to beginners like me on how to communicate with them? I tried talking with them telepathically and I was wondering if they heard me? I had fun reading your logs with your spirit friends 😊. I wish Ill be able to communicate with them like how you are able to right now. Thank you!

Hi!

Oh boy! Let me give you the run down on the spirits that I'm working with currently! Also, I’m going to say up froNT THAT I'M REALLY BAD AT GIVING NICKNAMES TO MY COMPANIONS DON'T JUDGE ME OKAY

So first off, 3 of my "companions" are actually spirit guides. They are:

Sn - Those are his initials, I'm not giving out his actual, full name for safety reasons. But he is a koi fish! Kind of, as my clarity has improved I've found that he's longer and thinner, kind of looking like the dragon from of Haku in Spirited Away. He's an older spirit, and I think he does some weird kind of politicking in the spirit world. ANYWAYS when I successfully astral traveled for the first time, he was waiting for me! I walked into his sanctum, which was kind of like a lovely zen garden. He came and introduced himself, and the rest is history.

Crush - Crush is a sea turtle. Yes, again, aptly named, I know. His personality is kindd of like a surfer dude; and he actually does like to surf! He's very fun, but also very strict and is fucking terrifying if I'm doing something that I shouldn't be. I actually was told in a reading that I should go to the coast, and that I had a guide waiting for me there. So I did, and as I was walking on the beach, I opened up my intuition and he swam up to me! We spent the afternoon walking the beach, and we sang and danced to music the whole drive back. Very memorable!

Gentle Giant (I call him GG) - He's my most recent guide. I… was having a really, really bad night. I kind of had an emotional breakdown, and during that he appeared to me. I wasn't expecting it at all. He is a hulking man, maybe like 10 feet tall? Large in size and stature. He kind of reminds me of Wreck-It-Ralph. He has more of a lumberjack appearance, and his entire energy just seeeps of Autumn, and beautiful orange leaves. Literally, anytime I interact with him there is just crazy imagery of it, it kind of defies explanation lol. ANYWAYS I'm still learning more about him as I work with him more. What is certain is that even though he is huge, he is the BIGGEST sweetheart that I've ever met. Seriously, he is just filled with love and gives me a giant bear-hug anytime he sees me.

Alright, so those are my guides. Now for the rest of my companions:

The Green Man - He is an ancient forest spirit of a local forest that I work with. He has the appearance of an old man, except that his skin is entirely made of bark, and he has various branches poking out at different points. He's bald, but sometimes he has some hair/a beard made of leaves. He also walks with a cane. He is lovely; very kind, very wise, and VERY powerful. I was doing a hike through this forest for the first time, maybe a couple of months after I started being able to talk to spirits; I was very much a beginner, and I was practicing by talking to trees. As I was walking, I came across this like, little sanctum in the forest, with a very large tree in it. I felt drawn to it, and I went and spoke to the tree. We had good conversation, and I left. I didn't find out until the next time that I went that he was actually the spirit of the forest. He decided to work with me, and I'm very grateful and very fortunate. He has taught me so much.

Prince - Prince is a Seelie fae, who is a king of a lesser Fae court; yes, that makes him a prince I'm tIRED OF THE JUDGEMENT I'M BAD AT NAMES OKAY. Lol anywayss yes. He's tall and slender. He has shimmering, almost white skin, extremely fair, youthful features, and white hair that falls down above his shoulders. We met because part of the territory of his Court actually overlaps in the forest that I work in. I had crossed into his territory many times. I discovered him watching me with curiosity one day, just kind of floating around and observing from a distance.

I was EXTREMELY hesitant to talk to him, let alone work with him once we did actually talk. He wanted to form a kind of alliance, and I kind of didn't want anything to do with him lolol. I was feeling more comfortable with spirit work, but I knew next to nothing about the fae, except that they were very tricky and that you had to be extremely careful with them. But. With some coaxing from him and some gentle encouragement from my other companions, I reluctantly agreed to work with him.

Now I'm actually really glad that I did. He attuned me to Fae energy so it wouldn't be so dangerous for me, and he's brought me to his Court many times - though to this day I'm still kind of scared shitless every time I go. But yeah, that's Prince.

Strix and Trixie - These 2 are my pixies! By "my" I mean that they were more assigned to me by Prince, kind of as bodyguards. It's to make sure that other Fae don't give me any trouble; I've gotten a very mixed reception among the Fae nobility. They're both very small, maybe 9 inches tall. They both appear more female - although gender for spirits is kind of complicated. Anyways, Strix kind of glows purple, and she is really peppy and energetic! She's very excitable and passionate about whatever it is that she is talking about/doing. Trixie kind of glows green, and she is - Trixie forgive me - kind of bitchy lmaooo. She is more just like sarcastic and kind of annoyed?? But that's just her personality! It's not bad at all I think it's soo endearing and I love her.

So yeah! That's pretty much it for all of my spirit companions, at the moment anyways. Now for the rest of your ask.

It seems that among spirit workers, telepathic communication is the golden standard. As such, it is very frustrating to beginners when they can't do it, and they feel that they can't do spirit work. Telepathic communication with spirits is very difficult to do. It takes some time and a lot of practice and meditation to be able to do it.

So while you can and should most certainly work towards it, there are other ways to communicate with your spirits in the meantime! Various forms of divination works well, whatever you have on hand. I haven't tried it, but using a pendulum looks very promising and an excellent method of communication. If you can astral travel/lucid dream, it will make it much easier. Also… something I don't see mentioned ever is automatic writing! This is kind of how I do my readings. Basically, you take out a pen and paper (or your laptop if you can type faster) and just write down literally anything and everything that comes to your mind. Write out your questions and with some practice, hopefully you'll start to be able to discern the differences and maybe be able to communicate that way!

I know that everyone says it, but if you want to try and communicate telepathically, you have to meditate regularly. I know, I know, everyone says it. BUT. Let me put it in a way that will be much more helpful. The reason that you need to practice meditation is so that you become familiar with how your own mental voice sounds; so familiar, that you will be able to tell when a voice in your head doesn't sound like your own mental voice. There is no point in trying to communicate telepathically if you aren't able to filter out what your companion is saying from the rest of your thoughts.

So meditate! Just sit and let your thoughts run, you don't have to try and quiet your mind; as a matter of fact, don't do that. Just meditate with the purpose of letting your mind run, and watch your thoughts come and go, paying attention to them, and how your mental voice sounds. That should definitely help.

Thanks for the ask! So sorry for the long post; but I had a lot to say! I hope that this helps. Have patience, and keep practicing!

Blessings!

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thepapergirlandthespiegelman · 4 years

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Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality: Initial impressions

Titles can be deceiving.

CW: child abuse, childhood trauma, mental illness, depression, anxiety

I think I can recall hearing about Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality at some point in the fairly distant past, though I can’t be sure. What I can say with relative certainty is that if I did encounter it, I probably wasn’t very likely to read it. I probably assumed that HPMOR was one of those obnoxiously misguided and pedantic critiques of fiction by scientists who neither know how to utilize suspension of disbelief, nor understand the basic nature of symbolism. At best, I might have imagined it to be a piece attempting to discover or construct a coherent logic from the magic within the Harry Potter universe, just for the pure amusement value, the absurdity of attempting to apply logic to that which defies it. I could see the appeal of that, but probably not 122 chapters worth of it.

After actually reading the first ten chapters of HPMOR, however, I can say that my first guess was incorrect, and my second guess was insufficient. HPMOR does capitalize on that humorous absurdity, but that’s hardly the core of the story.

One major reason for my misperceptions was a lack of familiarity with the difference between science and rationality. In layspeak, we often use these terms near interchangeably, and while they do go hand-in-hand to some extent, they’re not the same. Science is a method of obtaining knowledge. Rationality is an approach to living life, which dictates utilizing philosophy and science to obtain desired outcomes. You can be a scientist and be completely irrational, which actually reflects back on my initial concern; there are some scientists who will attempt to use the theory and language of science to denigrate works of art, completely ignoring the point of art.

HPMOR itself deals with this problem, not only the conflation of science with rationality, but the conflation of science and rationality and aptitude and general intelligence. The very first chapter highlights how AU Harry’s (Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres, HJPEV for short) father is a professor, knowledgeable about science, presumably quite intelligent, and yet behaves incredibly irrationally. Rather than attempting to settle the dispute about the existence of magic objectively, he refuses to entertain the idea on principle, saying, “Magic is just about the most unscientific thing there is!”

And here’s where the real story begins to unfold. What makes HPMOR hit hard, at least for me, is not the discussion of science and rationality in the abstract, or even the very useful, illustrative scenarios, but the emotional struggle of trying to be a rational person in an irrational world, especially when you’re a child. In so many ways, HPMOR is a story about the trauma of growing up as a so-called “gifted” child. Almost every chapter that I read was painfully reminiscent of my own childhood:

Seeing my parents speculate and argue endlessly over things that could be proven;

Attempting to reason with them only to be shut down;

Having my value in their eyes dependent on their perception of my intelligence and academic performance, being praised for when I was perceived to have succeeded in these matters, while at the same time having my perspective completely ignored when it came to anything that mattered;

Being mocked relentlessly for things I did when I was younger, ignoring the incredibly rapid growth that defines childhood;

Constantly feeling as though, as HJPEV puts it, I was being treated as “subhuman,” my feelings, thoughts, and opinions all invalid because of my age;

Feeling so, so frustrated that the people who were supposed to protect me were so absurdly, ridiculously, unfairly, woefully, tragically ill-equipped to do so.

I became hopelessly isolated from my parents, and my self-esteem became self-degrading. Being told over and over again how what I felt or thought didn’t matter because I was only a child made me doubt and disrespect my own emotions and doubt my very sanity. I don’t think that my parents meant to gaslight me, but that’s exactly what they did. For years, and years, and years, and it hurts. so. much. It...I cannot express how much it hurts.

And I am left with all of this damage, these lines of irrationality programmed into my brain, this obsessive need to to be perceived as intelligent in order to believe that I could be loved, in order to merely function, this irrationality that I hate so much because it hurt me so much is now encoded into my very being and it fills me with existential horror to this day.

It was difficult for me to get through as much of HPMOR as I did, and I genuinely wonder if it would be detrimental to my mental health to go on. It triggers both the suffering that comes with remembering past trauma as well as the compulsions that have resulted from that trauma. Hearing HJPEV list all the books he’s read sends a bolt of anxiety down my spine, knowing that I will never measure up to people like him, I will never have read enough, I will never be smart enough, I will never...be...enough—

Enough. I know when to stop torturing myself.

I was shocked to see how quickly HPMOR itself comes to the conclusion that what HJPEV has endured is a form of child abuse. It took me years to become comfortable using the words “abuse” and “trauma” to describe my experiences, and HPMOR introduces the word “abuse” in Chapter 6! I give HPMOR’s McGonagall much less credit than HJPEV does, but even so, it’s kind of astonishing to me to see an adult pick up on the existence of abuse in a so-called gifted child, even in fiction. I find myself wondering how I might have turned out differently if I had had someone like McGonagall in my life, or someone better than McGonagall in my life, who had told me in no uncertain terms, “What is happening to you is abuse, it is not okay, it is not your fault, and while I’m unable to legally extricate you from your unfortunate circumstances, I will do everything in my power to protect you.”

Because that didn’t happen. No one told me that I was abused or damaged. They told me that I was “smart,” “gifted,” “advanced,” or “mature”; and if they noticed anything odd about my behavior, it was because I was just “quiet,” “shy,” “introverted,” or “diligent.”

I also find myself wondering if I might have been a little different if I had read HPMOR when I first had the chance. But then again, I don’t know if I would have understood it as I do now, after years of studying psychology and working to heal myself.

God, seeing it all laid out so starkly, things I worked years to understand, in a few short chapters of someone’s fucking fanfiction*...I sure do feel like an idiot.

But then, this whole conversation has primed me to feel those feelings.

I must not undervalue myself. I am not playing that game. That game is the problem.

One thing does irritate me, though. Putting aside my misconceptions about HMPOR specifically, there’s this huge barrier to entry to the rationalist community in general. I think people perceive (correctly, as far as I can tell) that it is a community of highly intelligent people, who are highly skilled in STEM disciplines, particularly math. The one friend who could have introduced me to all this was someone who I saw as hopelessly more intelligent than I, and that perceived disparity made it incredibly difficult to approach him even as I admired him, envied him, and desperately needed the things that he could teach me. (I don’t know what things were like on his end. I still don’t.)

We’ve already seen that someone can be highly intelligent and completely irrational. I wish we could take that logic a step further and really make clear that rationality is not something that requires high intelligence. As with learning anything, intelligence helps, but intelligence can’t be a prerequisite for this skillset, because literally everyone should have it. I guess this might be controversial, but so far as I can tell, rationality is just the best way to go through life. And of course, knowing the best way to move forward is especially critical for those of us leaving behind dark pasts.

For fuck’s sake, this doesn’t have anything to do with quarks or discrete math or machine learning. It has everything to do with reducing human suffering.

And I wish...I really wish that there was a way to share this world with my friends. The only reason that I made it here is that I’ve constantly existed on the borderline, wavering around the threshold of what is broadly considered intelligent, attempting mastery of both STEM and humanities, science and art. As much as I doubt and denigrate myself, I am able, if I really want to, under certain favorable circumstances, to convince myself that I belong here. Not all of my friends have the same privilege. I have friends who have lived their whole lives believing that they just aren’t that smart, or that they aren’t any good at math or science. Maybe they decided early on that that stuff wasn’t for them, or maybe they tried and felt like they failed. I know that, for many people, academic language is frustrating, triggering, or otherwise completely inaccessible. I know that many people will find HJPEV absolutely insufferable and most of what he says incomprehensible.

And I’m really not sure what to do about that. I’ve not sure how to convince people that striving for rationality is both possible and worthwhile for everyone, and if I do convince them, I’m not sure what to actually show them that will make any sense to them.

I don’t know. Maybe it does have a bit to do with math. Because a lot of what I get from rationality, I can get from other places, be that art or psychology or witchcraft, but the stuff that is unique does tend to be the mathematical and statistical thinking. And philosophical thinking, academic thinking. Talking about things with precision...That’s always been my problem with trying to translate the academic into ordinary speech, it feels like all the precision is being lost. To be precise, you need unique words, and unique words tend to be obscure, and people find obscure words upsetting.

Obviously, this isn’t a problem I’m going to solve in this blog post. But it’s something to think about.

So, I guess that’s my review of the first ten chapters of HPMOR, if you can call it that. If one of the purposes of fiction is to unlock a bizarrely intense cocktail of existential horror and unadulterated wrath deriving from the wrongs of one’s childhood—and I certainly believe it is—then HPMOR succeeds spectacularly.

*Edited to add: In my unfortunate compulsion to drag myself down, I often drag down other things or people too. I shouldn’t trivialize the value of fanfiction. And, quite honestly, I really shouldn’t be surprised that it could be a source of profound insight. After all, writing fanfiction has been one of my own ways to cope with and sort through my emotions and illnesses for a long, long time.

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fallen029 · 5 years

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Infirmary Blues

He was in a foul mood.

The Thunder Legion all thought it to be directed towards them.

"As well it should be," Freed scolded the other two though, truly, his words cut himself more to the core than it did either of them. "It is the fault of no other than ours that Laxus is...that he is..."

Going to be okay, Mirajane and Kinana had assured them all, in the upstairs infirmary, where he'd been taken upon arriving back from his ill fated misadventure with his very loyal followers. Wendy came up as well, to tentatively test out some of her medical related magic, but honestly, there wasn't much anyone can do for Laxus.

"You need rest," Wendy offered softly to which the slayer growled, rather deeply, scaring the poor girl and getting the condemnation of most his guild mates. But Laxus hardly cared for them. For any of them.

But when he shoved up to hobble down the stairs from the second floor and then, hopefully, make it back to his apartment, his grandfather put a stop to that. The slight man ordered Laxus to rest up his leg, at least for the night, and to allow Mirajane and Kinana to tend to his bandages. Then he clapped Wendy on the shoulder, thanked her for all her hard work, and went back downstairs to resume nap- err, meditating atop the bar.

Yes.

Meditating.

The injuries really weren't that graphic and hardly anything of concern for the slayer, but he did have numerous ailments and though he wanted to defy the old man, Mirajane had brought him over something to drink only moments before and wow, why was it suddenly so dark? Were his eyes closed?

Oh.

Fucking she-devil.

After adequately sedating the grouch, Mirajane only instructed the others to let themselves be looked over. Though the trio refuted claims of being injured at all, Mirajane still made them go downstairs to have Wendy look them over, leaving Laxus alone to rest.

The next time the most volatile slayer awoke it was dark and the guildhall felt still for once. Not like any way Laxus typically experienced it. He was groggy still, as he blinked thick sleep from his eyes, and slightly confused as to his surroundings. All it took was one attempt at moving his legs and oh, yeah, fuck, he got all fucked up out on a job, huh?

"Easy, dragon," he heard from the doorway where, at the sound of his waking, someone was coming up from the downstairs. "I didn't give you anything for the pain."

"I don't fucking need something for the pain," he grumbled as Mirajane, who fucking else, came in with her dumb smile and stupid blue eyes and he hated it. He fucking hated it. There they were, assumably all alone in the hall for once, with one another for once, and he was too fucking angry at anything that moved to put any on the woman. "I need to go home."

"You need to check your tone," was all she ordered right back, her bubbly one absent at the lack of other's present. He imagined this was the one she used to keep two younger siblings in line all those years it was on the three of them.

The three of them.

"How are we alone?" he grumbled as, letting his eyes slip shut once more, he only fell back into the bed. The only magical power he felt at the moment belonged to the woman and, as she went over to one of the cabinets and began to pull out an assortment of items, it was the absence of three others that he felt the most severely.

"It took some doing," Mirajane admitted. "For one, Wendy felt like she'd failed, since you barked at her and wanted to stick around and prove herself-"

"I didn't...bark at the kid."

"Well, dragons don't bark, so I guess you must have...roared?"

"Mirajane-"

"You were rude," she told him bluntly then, ruse dropped. "She's trying very hard to fill Porlyusica's shoes and it doesn't help when you act that way." But then, as she turned to face him, it was with a sigh on her lips. "Kinana wasn't easy to get rid of either though. She didn't wanna leave me alone with you, since you were in such a mood. And your grandfather felt the same way. But I only assured them that I actually needed to be alone, because it's the only way that I can handle handle arithmetic and someone really does need to go over the budget for the year and… Then Lisanna wanted to stay up here and deal with you, while I stayed downstairs and dealt with that, but luckily Lucy… Lucy knows that we're… I told her, before about… So she convinced Lisanna to go hang out with her and Cana tonight, because they're going to-"

"Where," he finally cut her off, opening his eyes to meet hers when she arrived at the side of his cot, "are the Thunder Legion?"

"You scared them off."

"No way."

"They think," Mira told him and her tone was different now, not an out right dressing down, but rather the implication of one, "that it's their fault that you're injured."

"Bullshit."

"Watch your mouth."

"Mirajane-"

"You're the one that told them that. Or at least that's what Freed told me. He, Evergreen, and Bickslow are very upset."

"'bout what?" he grumbled then. "I'm hardly even injured."

She only shrugged. "You tell me."

Without much prodding, he sat up then, to allow the woman to begin unraveling the gauze adorning his chest. Not looking at her, he only said, "I wasn't upset with them."

"You got carried in her by Freed and Bickslow cursing and-"

"I was upset," he cut her off, "with myself. I was angry at myself. I'm the one that should have gotten the job done. It was my fault. I'm the S-Class wizard. I have to be the one on top of my game. And I fucked it up."

Silence hung over them then, as Mira set to work checking and taking care of his wounds while Laxus brooded silently now, in better check of his emotions with the passage of time. Eventually though, as Mirajane motioned for him to sit on the edge of the bed, so she could look at his knee, he let out a long sigh.

"Is it bad?"

"Just bruised. I had ice on it earlier for you." Looking up at him then as she bent before him, she asked, "What happened?"

"Don't you know?"

"I know what they said. But I'd like to hear what you have to say."

Instead of answering then, Laxus look passed her, glaring over at an empty cot as he said, "I'm hungry."

"That stinks."

"Mirajane-"

"The kitchen is closed, Lax."

His glare turned to her then. "I thought that you were supposed to be taking care of me?"

"Oh, dragon, hush. You know I'm going to make you something."

"How should I know that?"

"Don't get an attitude with me." Rising once more, she put a hand on her hip and raised a finger to wag in his face. As Laxus only blink, she added, "I'm not like your friends; I won't sit around feeling awful just to make you feel better. You had a bad job. It happens. Getting all down on yourself won't make it any better."

His gaze was downright smoldering now and neither said much to the other before she disappeared out of the infirmary, off to fix him something quick to eat, no doubt. Laxus only took to crossing his arms over his chest, disgruntled and now severely put out. If his knee wasn't fucking killing him so badly, he might have hobbled on back to his apartment.

And…

If Mira wasn't there to take care of him.

Even upset with one another, he knew where his bread was buttered.

Quite literally in this situation.

He was in no better mood when Mirajane returned with his plate and she only sighed some, as she sat it in his lap with a kiss to the cheek. He grunted something close to a thanks, perhaps, but just as quickly, she disappeared out of the room once more and honestly, he thought she'd just let him stew himself back to sleep. She actually seemed worried about the budget or whatever. More so than him at least.

And it wasn't like he thought he deserved her concern. He'd been injured far worse over the years. Even in the past one in which they'd begun tentatively dating under their guild's nose, he'd experienced far worse.

But this felt different somehow for some reason and though he knew there was no way she could place it exactly, certainly knew it himself.

"I know you're not always in the mood for it, but I thought that this might brighten your mood a bit. Or at leas help you drift off, after your meal." Mirajane smiled at him, when she came back into the room, her guitar in one hand. "Only if you want, I mean."

This got a shrug from the man and some more grunting, while Mirajane only smiled easily, all slights forgiven. Just like that. Taking a seat on the cot beside his, she took to strumming and humming and Laxus didn't want to admit it.

Everything was always so hard to admit for him.

Even things that he reconciled with, he liked to only admit to himself and just himself, where he could slowly forget about them as they were buried beneath new and more concerning revelations about himself.

But that's not how things were supposed to be anymore. At least that's what Mirajane told him, when they'd lie together in bed at night. It was just as rare for her, she told him, that she felt this way about someone.

"So open," she'd say as she stroked his chest and Laxus hated it, but…

It was just too easy to talk to her.

About everything.

They didn't get to spend much time together, less, even, than if they weren't actively attempting to hide their relationship. But when they were together, he just felt…

Mira was nice. And sweet. Which was actually hard to get used to. But she was also understanding of the many woes of a high class wizard as well as the typical childhood trauma that seemed mostly customary with being a Fairy Tail mage. It was easy to tell her about things he'd rather not let out because Mira got it.

Really, she did.

And even when she didn't, well, she had things that she couldn't tell others too easily either. What she really thought about all the drunks and drama up at the hall, how underappreciated she felt at times and under utilized.

Their connection never felt forced and, as he sat on the cot that very late night, he eventually found himself letting out a long breath he didn't realize he was harboring.

"I'm supposed to look out for them," he told her softly as Mirajane only continued to play and home, though her eyes did lift up to stare over at him. "Freed can hold his own, of course, and Ever and Bickslow are plenty strong, but… When things go to shit, it's on me. I shouldn't have gone off on my own. That's what I did. I went off to track a guy on my own and left them to handle something that was above their pay grade. I took them out on an S-Class job and just left them, to deal with something on their own. And by the time I got back to them, things were just… I could have gone on. You know. Finished things. But they were getting away and Freed was worried about some of my wounds and I just… Caring about other people's so fucking hard."

Her eyes drifted slowly away and, as her humming stopped, her strumming continued around her words.

"You know," she told him softly, "I did go on a pretty bad S-Class job myself. Once."

And Laxus paled.

"M-Mirajane, I… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay, dragon." Then she sighed. "Now, I guess it really is okay. Considering everything. But… You love them like I love my siblings, you know? Don't you?"

Snorting that time, his pale flesh turned more into a flush as he muttered, "I dunno about that."

"I do."

"Mira-"

"You did what you had to do," she told him simply then. "To protect your friends. Your best friends." That time, her hum was more mocking as she added, "Your only friends."

"You're a crummy nurse."

"And you need to stop sulking." Her strumming stopped then as she spoke to him truthfully. "You know as well as I do that sometimes you retreat and come back to something later. Once you're all healed up, you're going to go back out on that job and finish it. Aren't you? I've never known my dragon to be a quitter."

"I'm not one."

"Then get better and get back out there. You whiner."

That time he only rolled his eyes while Mirajane grinned over at him fully.

"It's hard being the older sibling," she assured him. "Looking out for everyone. It never gets easier. It just… You get used to it."

But Laxus was tired, so tired, of many things. Including on dwelling on the (extremely recent) past. Eyes drooping shut then, he remarked, "I always thought staying the night with you here, all alone, in the hall would be different."

"Different?"

"That we'd fuck," he told her with the same bluntness she'd told him to stop being such a drag, but with much more vulgarity. And with that, Mirajane was jumping up, a frown on her face, to go retrieve his plate and, finally, get back to work on that budget issue.

"Go to sleep, dragon," she offered simply as she left him alone with his thoughts. "You gotta get strong again, don't you? So you can show out for your friends? Not to mention apologize to them in the morning."

He didn't verbalize it (he was practically snoozing once more anyways), but yeah. He did.

#Miraxus #Mirajane Strauss #Laxus Dreyar #Laxus #Mirajane #Mira #Fairy Tail #Fanfiction

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digitalta · 5 years

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Ending of Antithesis Explained

@artemisedendelacroix, thank you for starting us off here! I realized the ending could have been confusing, but I decided to help by making a post for everyone who needed it.

Spoilers below.

The Prophecy

The prophecy portion isn’t as important, but easily mistaken if you don’t read the fine text.

The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... And the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives ...

Lets break this down.

Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... For this bit, the 'him' refers to Adrian. The idea of a Dark Lord is basically a "powerful being which is dark", since the parasite is inherently dark and Adrian is powerful, he fulfills the requirements in a weird backwards way. Plus the fact he was the heir to Voldemort, he inherited the lord position after Voldemort died. In the chapter Abuse, towards the end Mylla states how Adrian's parents have failed him three times, first as a son, second as a student, third as a human being. This directly relates to the 'born to those who have thrice defied [Adrian].

born as the seventh month dies .. This was a fun bit, because I always wondered if the prophecy meant that it was the prophecy child or the Dark Lord in question that was born as the seventh month dies. In this case, it's both.

And the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... Marking him as his equal. There are multiple instances where Adrian does this in subtle ways- having Skylar hold him upright while facing Voldemort, allowing Skylar to be with him in his final moments. Generally, this ties down to Adrian giving Lutain to Skylar, marking him as his equal. The power that the Dark Lord knows not can be the general information regarding a Horcrux which Adrian never really learned about, or the basilisk fang he had in his pocket when he met and consoled Adrian on his deathbed.

And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives ... Either Skylar dies at Adrian's hand (assumed at wandpoint which is why it's hand), or Adrian dies at Skylar's hand. This boils down to Adrian dying at Skylar's hand- literally, since Skylar stabs and kills Adrian with Adalonda's fang at his request. In turn, Skylar dies at Adrian's hand by infecting himself with the parasite (also tying into the marking as an equal). Skylar can't survive if Adrian lives due to the deal he made where Adrian is allowed to murder Skylar; Adrian can't live if Skylar does due to his own mental illness obsession with murdering Skylar.

Adrian’s Monologue

The part in particular I’m referring to is his rambling words towards while on the bridge. This starts right after Skylar infects himself with Adrian’s blood.

“Oh Skylar,” Adrian laughed although it sounded pained, “you don’t know what you’ve done.”

“Then tell me.” Skylar challenged. “Tell me everything.”

“Okay,” Adrian agreed with a bloody grin. Skylar reached out, and handed the basilisk fang over.

Adrian started to talk.

“ I’m going to tell you a story, although it’s a bit long. I’m going to make you listen, because I want you to understand every single way you have made me into this bloody monster. I’ll call this story antithesis, and you’re going to learn every single moment where things went wrong. I want you to cry, and beg for me to kill you, and when I’m done with this, you’re going to want to do that to yourself. You’re going to listen, because in the end, you owe me that much. You owe me so much more, but here we are, and this is how it’s going to end. Who knows, maybe this useless battle between you and me and this bloody world, well, maybe we always were fated to kill each other.”

This bit is actually The Summary for the Entire Story. If you read into this, you can interpret that the entire story of Antithesis that you’ve just finished reading, is Adrian’s retelling of his life while on his deathbed. I know, takes a while to kill him, doesn’t it?

Thestral Lore

Okay, this is all pretty much Original Content so hang on. Most of this is explained in chapter 67 anyways.

"No," Mylla mused, soft and gentle although barely that at all, "we were born out of desperation. A curse, that lasts in the world like the Werewolves. Thestrals are made, when we suffer and beg for death under the venom of a basilisk."

"Thestrals are born the moment we accept it, the moment we know it and we beg for it."' Mylla hissed out almost in delight. "The moment we stare that wretched demon in the face and beg for mercy. The moment we beg not for our lives but for the relief of just dying already. We explode from the spine, dripping blood and gore and we are cursed to exist forever because we can never die."

Adrian didn't realize he wasn't breathing until the hot exhale forced air into his lungs. Mylla pulled back, looking down at him with something similar to pity. "It is an irony, that thestrals are doomed to live forever and you are fated to die."

"You're lying." Adrian's voice was scratchy, barely a noise between them.

"No, I'm not." Mylla huffed, her long tail swishing. "I am cruel because time has made me so. The difference is that eternity has made me this way. Creation, made Adalonda as so."

A little bit further down it’s explained once more:

“Salazar Slytherin died from the debt he owed to Morgana for the curse she inflicted to create me." Mylla spat out, looking more furious than ever before. "Blood and bone to create blood and bone. Adalonda never forgave him for his devotion to me, even in death. I told him, how how she poisoned my blood and he hid me from all of those who had never seen death. Basilisks, from their eyes and vanity, have never directly seen death."

Adrian's heart chilled and he shook his eyes, "I- but basilisks use their eyes-"

"And they are blinded for that moment." Mylla hissed back. "I told my father of how his precious monster murdered me out of spite, and he was too caring to ever slaughter his other child, no matter how foul. He sealed her away, and the price of my curse came true and he passed away in years. The lineage carried on, broken and twisted and unknowing of Adalonda's spite from the secret he took to his grave."

Basically, Thestrals exist due to a curse which exists everywhere. This curse is free-roaming, and basically latent unless a specific set of parameters are met. The curse was developed by Morgana Le Fay, and in exchange Salazar Slytherin died.

A child (Mylla’s age or below, which was 17) must be bit by a Basilisk

A child must be in utter agony and on the verge of death (excluding minor bites or healed bites)

A child cannot be killed from a Basilisk stare

One infected, the child has no memories of their past life until of age equal to their original age (for example, Ginny died at 11 so she would need to be 11 years as a thestral before remembering)

A thestral is only able to be understood by those related by blood

A thestral can only be seen by one who has witnessed death.

A thestral can never die, and exists in a state of limbo where it is not alive or dead, but exists as an entity comprised of stolen soul in a physical body (like a wraith, Dementor, etc.)

The curse of the thestrals steals the child’s soul through unnatural artificial means, and forces it to remain in the physical world in a corrupted body.

How did the Parasite break the curse?

There was something fascinating, about Vitaedax. About a simple little parasite which drove humans to insanity.

Not many things infected the soul, or managed to warp it beyond recognition. A dementor could remove it, a selkie could sense it.

A thestral was born from it.

A vitaedax destroyed it.

What a strange thing, for a parasite which survived by gnawing and shredding soul and soul connections, to find itself suddenly assaulted by basilisk venom and exposed to a very unusual curse. What a strange thing, for a vitaedax to chew and gnaw and feast until something, something gave way.

What a strange thing, when thestrals began to drop, when their leathery bones started melting and the Elder Wand split in two over a core which fizzled out of existence.

The vitaedax kept feasting, because a curse that transformed soul was never a match for a parasite.

This passage very roughly translates to the common ideas and concepts of microbiology that we use today.

In Microbiology in the study of vaccination, parasitism, microorganisms and other related science, there is no synthetic vector superior to natures own constructions. This means, that we can create synthetic ways to try and destroy organisms but our own natural biology is always going to be superior.

This relates to my idea for the thestrals. The thestrals were an unnatural physical manifestation, of a soul tethered to the human world. These ties were forced upon them, and could not be broken by human means. The parasite feeds on the soul and the soul tethers of a human. Since the parasite was rare, and the thestral requirements were also rare, they had never come in contact. When Adrian was infected with the venom and subsequently pulled into the thestral world, he was a carrier and infected all the thestral species with the parasite- which worked by consuming soul ties. Since the parasite was an organic creature made to destroy soul tethers, and the thestrals were synthetic constructions of soul tethers, the parasite won and the thestrals died.

Thus, Adrian, and Luna, died.

#antithesis #spoilers #antithisis #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter fanfic #Oceanbreeze7 #harry potter antithesis

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rivetgoth · 6 years

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The Twin HCs

Okay, so without the third movie (which supposedly was gonna delve into Lucifer’s backstory and Hell’s beginnings) we’ll never really know the lore for the Twin sadly, and I’ve spent a billion years thinking about it so I’m just gonna throw my headcanons at you all. I’ve put a lot of time & thought into all of this and included MANY sources both from the movies and from outside sources, but of course it may not prove to be canon should Terrance ever decide to release info we didn’t previously have :)

The Twin was the serpent in the Garden of Eden who tempted Eve. Aside from “demon snake” making this already an obvious conclusion to jump to, this fits to me because June is meant to be an Eve-like figure in “Alleluia!”, as she “eats forbidden fruit” (the book she takes even has an apple on it) and she’s cast out of God’s kingdom for trying to gain knowledge that God didn’t want her to have. The Twin is the very first being she truly interacts with in Hell, and he lures and tempts her and then steals from her. Plus a lot of what he does with Merrywood is tempt her and lure her into losing everything. It feels like a fitting parallel.

Edit: By complete coincidence I had to read some literary analysis recently that actually explored the fact that the serpent in the Garden of Eden has frequently specifically not only been used as a symbol of trickery (very very obviously fitting of the Twin), but also of a symbol of theft, which fits the Twin stealing June’s horseshoe pin from her as well, and being the carny specifically chosen to confront Merrywood in the first film after she’s damned to Hell for literally being a thief. Some scholars actually also consider the serpent a symbol of sexual desire, which is fitting since I want the Twin to f

(Actually, as a side note, what’s super interesting about that is that in Dante’s Divine Comedy the part of Hell that thieves are sent to is specifically filled with serpents, because of the reason stated above. As punishment for thievery the serpents rob the damned souls of their own identity.... THAT SOUNDS... FAMILIAR, RIGHT. ANYWAY...)

Genesis 3:14- “So the LORD God said to the serpent, ‘Because you have done this, cursed are you above all livestock and all wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life.’”

So after the Twin tricked Eve into tasting the forbidden fruit, God curses him and all serpents to live the rest of their lives crawling on the ground. Who knows what the Twin looked like prior to this curse. We have no way of knowing, but now he was in the form of what we think of as a modern day legless, armless noodle creature. A snake.

However, Lucifer defied God, perhaps at the Twin’s plea (more on that in a second), and gave the Twin a human form with legs and all. This was a big deal, because it was a very early act of defiance against God and his wishes from Lucifer, as these were still the early days after the fall.

Nivek Ogre on the Twin- “I myself tend to have too much empathy so I wanted to make him very sympathetic. I kind of saw him as one of the original shells that were shucked down to hell. He probably made a bargain with the man below and is now living in fear trying to escape his fate by taking on the appearance of another. However while doing this he tends to see the best parts of him which gave him a slight bit of humanity. He also would see their nastiest thoughts which ultimately would do them in. It is both an empathetic and vicious character. I see myself as the bait for Lucifer.“ [source]

The “bargain with the man below” is left ambiguous; I think that could realistically fit my headcanon, if you envision that the “bargain” the Twin made with Lucifer was to defy God’s curse on him and give him a human form. However, if you go along with that idea, Ogre’s words also imply that the Twin isn’t necessarily happy with what he got on his end of the bargain. He “lives in fear trying to escape his fate”...

...Which brings me to my next point, which is that Lucifer’s powers are not nearly as strong as God’s, especially not at this point, when he was still young and had only just begun his work on Hell, and Lucifer certainly can’t create life. He could only kind of give the Twin a facade of a human form.

In “Alleluia!”, during the flashback with June, we see the Twin’s skin is different. He appears to have serpent scales almost breaking out of more human flesh, as opposed to the fully scaled form we see later on in the future (in the first movie and at the end of the second). We also see that the Twin uses a cane sometimes in the first movie.

An article about the makeup for the second movie- “[The Twin’s] make-up goes back and forth from past to present. Through the film we finally see him become the lizard-like Twin through a series of different looks like leprosy.” [source]

Note that maaaybe this isn’t the most reliable source on concrete facts, especially considering the fact that the Twin is referred to as a lizard rather than a snake lol (and I think he is definitely supposed to be a snake, he... he hisses), but it’s a good and official quote to point out the obviously intentional visual change and progression in the film. I also think the leprosy comment is interesting and fits the theme; leprosy is seen in the Bible as an uncleanliness that only God can cure. If Lucifer gave the Twin a body that goes against God’s wishes, perhaps it would begin to “fall apart” in a way similar to the way the Bible claims one who is unclean from God’s blessing would?

(comparison between the Twin’s flashback makeup and “present” makeup)

I think the Twin’s body degenerated over time and slowly returned to a more serpentine form. Lucifer’s powers could only do so much. Now, at the point he’s at by the time we see him in the first movie, I don’t think his condition will get “worse.” I don’t think he’s going to lose his humanoid form altogether, but I think initially, at the very beginning, he looked significantly more humanoid, and as time has gone on his skin has shed (the way a snake’s would) back into scales and his legs have become weaker, and it can cause him a great deal of pain to walk on them for too long a period of time, because they’re entirely unnatural to him. They directly defy God’s wishes. The Twin drinks and uses a cane, we see that in the first movie. I think he deals with a lot of physical pain.

Nivek Ogre on the Twin Part 2- “My character is the twin who’s an empath and someone who is able to take on the characteristics - physical and emotional - of anybody that they come in contact with. He’s a trickster, but at the same time I think he is one of the most empathetic characters in hell because he’s able to feel all of your pain, all of your troubles and all of the worries that you have. But also all of the secrets and the nastiness. That’s where it turns dark for him. He does show empathy, but he’s still, at the very heart of it very sociopathic and reptilian almost - in a way, cold blooded.” [source]

This quote gives the best insight to the Twin as a character, I think. To summarize as well as inject some of my own interpretation and headcanon, the Twin is very much a snake at heart. “Cold blooded,” as Ogre puts it, both literally and metaphorically. I think the Twin has a sense of morality on a totally different plain than other people, and I think he’s very instinct driven. I think he enjoys shiny things and carnival games because frankly he’s a simple creature and he’s amused and distracted and pleased easily by these things because, again, he’s a snake. He was a snake and there’s a part of him that will always be a snake. He certainly is not human, and does not have a human conscience.

However, I don’t think this makes him “evil” at all. As Ogre states numerous times, the Twin is a very, very empathetic creature, which also makes sense to me in the context of him being a snake. Snakes can sense emotion in a very unique way; they’re sensitive to touch and feeling and if a person shows fear around a snake, for example, the snake is more likely to be tense and aggressive. Being calm around snakes is imperative for their own comfort or else they lash out or flee. So in a way, snakes are incredibly empathetic, but in a very instinct-driven way. The Twin, too, can sense the emotions of others to an extreme, even supernatural degree. He can take their emotions on and adopt them as his own. He feels their pain and their fears and the darkness in their hearts that sent them to Hell in the first place. But, like Ogre said, at the end of the day he’s very “sociopathic” about it, and these don’t necessarily impact him in a long term negative way that they would a human taking on the extreme negative emotions of others, so he’s the perfect man for the job down in Hell of doing exactly that.

Although there’s no long term emotional exhaustion from the Twin when he takes these emotions on, and he’s able to “cope” with feeling negative emotion pretty easily and simply reflect it back on the person to torment them, I think that experiencing these emotions does “humanize” him in a way, or “gives him a slight bit of humanity,” as Ogre says. The Twin doesn’t experience human emotion firsthand, but he does secondhand, and that’s stopped him from being literally nothing but an instinct-driven snake. There’s something more there.

I also think the Twin is, in a strange way, very much a big brother figure for the other carnies. He has no ill feeling towards them. Actually, he has no ill feelings towards anyone (except perhaps God and his angels). Again, he’s not evil. He’s among the carnies in every major crowd scene, participating and having fun alongside the others. He’s in every audience during the songs of the first movie, even participating and laughing and throwing coins and drinking with the others, he dances with everyone at the end, and he throws his armband with everyone else in the second, and claps and cheers for June when she does the same.

He was one of the first beings in Hell, and the other carnies, I think, are very aware that he’s incredibly powerful and full of knowledge - and secrets. I think a lot of them have a lot of respect for him, and maybe fear him a bit; they certainly wouldn’t tease him the way they do the Magician. It doesn’t help that I don’t think he’s necessarily wildly social and he can be very hard to understand and connect with on an emotional level (because, again, he’s a snake), but he does care in his own way. He is, after all, an empath, and he can relate deeply to their experience of being cast out by God and trapped in Hell for eternity. He’s driven primarily by instinct, and his idea of friendship probably mostly is based around playing cards and other silly carnival games because he really clearly enjoys that, and he would have absolutely no qualms robbing you if you had something shiny on your person, but he still does care about the other carnies and has fun with them when he’s around them, even if he’s a bit cold and intimidating and difficult to interact with one-on-one.

If another carny were “make the first move” interacting with the Twin, like actually coming to his tent and initiating a conversation or asking to play a game with him, I think that’d actually make him really happy, and he’d be really happy to have someone to spend time with. He seems like he’s enjoying playing cards with Wick at the beginning of the first movie!

Cute! =}

As for some more fun headcanons I have that aren’t grounded in much but they make me happy:

The Twin hisses when he speaks because he has a snake accent. He’s gotten good at covering that accent when he’s in another person’s form, but he still slips up sometimes and you can still hear him hissing in another person’s voice. He’s working on it.

The Twin likes to tell stories, and he can get very excited while he’s telling them, and if he gets too excited, he’ll start taking the form of the people in the story as he’s telling it. Like, “And then the Magician said THIS-” [takes the form of the Magician without even realizing it]. It’s actually very entertaining and makes his stories even more fun to listen to, and he really doesn’t notice he’s doing it.

The Twin is actually impressed by the Magician’s magic on good days, which makes the Magician feel really proud of himself because the Twin is such a well respected figure in Hell, but he really shouldn’t be all too proud because actually, the Twin literally is just impressed by shiny things. The Magician conjures up some sparkles and the Twin acts like it’s the best thing he’s ever fucking seen (but, in seriousness, he’s also impressed by the Magician’s little magic tricks, because the Twin himself clearly dabbles in magic tricks in his own games, so the two of them can actually bond over that shared interest).

The Twin sheds every... I dunno, thousand years? Ten thousand years? It’s not a wildly frequent occurrence, but he sheds just like a regular snake would, which is a wildly unpleasant process. When a snake sheds, their ENTIRE body sheds, including their EYES. For a period of time before shedding a snake is almost entirely blind as its skin encloses its eyes. He’s incredibly uncomfortable during this time, not only is he blind but there’s, like, a literal full layer of skin half-attached to his body. He probably spends this time hidden away inside his tent, not social at all. Snakes in general tend to be more cautious and reserved and hostile should they be bothered during this time, because they’re so vulnerable. He’s in an extra pissy mood during this time. Then, afterwards, he gets a shiny new coat, bright green and very pretty, but it’s very sensitive at first, so he’s still not very keen on social interaction for awhile LOL.

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT!!!!!!!!!! THERE’S MORE HONESTLY but I figured I’d keep it at this since this is already long as hell, buuuuut I wanted to share OKAY I love him. 💕🐍💕

#THIS IS SO LONG I JUST HAD TO SHARE OK.#the devil's carnival #alleluia! the devil's carnival #tdc

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yoon-ing · 6 years

Text

Thin Line (m)

Yoongi x Reader

Word Count: 6.8k

It doesn’t take a big step to cross over a fine line.

Crimson red tints your cheeks, embarrassment your shade of blush for the night as you sit on the floor with a group of friends (and a so-call friend who has just outed your crush to the entire group), playing a game of Truth and Dare that has your skin on fire at the hand of Park Jimin who decides it’s his duty as your best friend to announce the name of your crush, who also happens to be your roommate and also happens to be sitting directly beside you.

“You’re supposed to say your crush,” you snare through your teeth at the boy who sits across from you, his eyes glazed with intoxication and arched with the stupid smile that’s on his face. It’s Jimin’s turn, choosing Truth after having to lick the underside of Taehyung’s foot sprinkled with hot sauce in the last round. ‘Who’s your crush?’ was blurted out as the first instinct of any Truth or Dare player, having all eyes on him, until his words are directing everyone’s attention to you.

“I don’t have one!” he says defensively. “So, I said yours!” is his pathetic attempt at an excuse and you can’t believe what you’re hearing.

“That’s not how it works!” you respond with your jaw clenching, hands balling into fists.

“Oh, why so defensive, Y/N?” Jungkook teases, “I guess it’s true.”

“Shut up Jeon,” you shoot at him, glaring in his direction for a moment before returning your death stare to Jimin.

“Yoongi’s a cool guy! What’s so wrong about crushing on him!” Jimin is just making it worse at this point and all you wish is that your physical existence in time and space would evaporate into nothing more than particles in the atmosphere, sparing you from the embarrassment and teasing that pursues, your drunkards of friends having a little too much fun, and definitely too much to drink.

“Y/N and Yoongi sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g” is being chanted and you can’t believe your pinkened ears because you’ve defied all laws of physics and have literally just discovered time travel, being sent back to middle school where you’re surround by immature little pricks, making a big deal just because you like a boy.

“I’m going home,” you mumble, taking one last, long swig of tequila before pushing yourself off the floor and haphazardly making it to your feet, the alcohol hitting you hard once your feet are the only part of you planted on the floor after spending the better half of the night sat on your ass.

Yoongi is quick to stand, not a drop of alcohol in his system because of his car out front, and he steadies your swaying figure.

You try to pull away from him, waving him off as you (unsuccessfully) try to convince him you’ll be okay on your own, not needing this small interaction to be more ammunition for the group of idiots still sprawled out on the floor.

“I’m your ride home,” he says when you tell him to sit back down.

And the ‘Ohhh, Y/N and Yoongi are going home together’ is met with the finger as your only response before you turn on your heel and walk, or rather stumble, away.

The burning on your skin has definitely sobered you up enough to think somewhat clearly, although your body lags behind and physically you’re pretty disorientated, and the embarrassment is suffocating, especially now that you and Yoongi are alone.

He laughs it off when you profusely apologize for Jimin’s behaviour, insisting that he was too drunk to even know what was coming out of his mouth, and that his words hold no truth.

“Don’t worry about it, kid,” Yoongi says half way through the drive, probably unable to put up with the apologizes that spew from your mouth. A ruffle of your hair has your lips smacking shut, you feel like a child, especially after tonight’s events and you can feel your heart cracking into pieces as if the universe herself has taken a chisel to it, letting you know that you’re nothing more than a kid to Yoongi, someone he likes to tease and poke fun at, someone who won’t have his heart the way he does yours.

The patterned fleece blankets and poster cluttered walls tell you you’re in your room, tucked into your own bed, where you must have spent the night, but the throbbing headache that pounds your skull from the inside out doesn’t tell you how you got here. Your memory is in shatters with edges so sharp that the only thing you can feel is splitting pain in the place of your mind; you wish you can say last night is a blur, but it’s not even that, holding no place in your recollection of yesterday and it is as non-existent as your phone seems to be at the moment. Your arms flail beneath the sheets in search of the device and you’re like a butterfly fluttering about, trying to break out of your cocoon looking for freedom, except it’s your blanket that has you trapped and you’re not nearly as graceful as nature’s bursts of colour.

Hooking your chin over the edge of the mattress, sweet victory rings in your ears in the form of muffled buzzing, paired with the dim light of an LED screen coming from beneath the thin sweatshirt you must have discarded on the floor at some point during the night. Snatching up your phone, you’re met with a number of notifications, namely from Jimin and worry sweeps across your features as your thumb sweeps across the unlock button. There are over ten messages from him, some still coming in as you pull up your conversation with him, scrolling up to where you last responded and you hope that his words will give you some insight to last night’s events because you’re blind to what happened between dinner and right now.

Jimin Park that ass [12:47pm]

Y/N

hey

im so sorry

i didn’t mean to say anything last night

i was drunk and wasn’t thinking

when am i ever thinking??

god

i feel like such a jackass

i should’ve kept my mouth shut

it wasnt my secret to tell

im sorry, i hope i didn’t fuck everything up for you

please tell me what i can do to make it up to you

i’ll do anything i swear

Insight is the opposite of what you get because these texts just make you more confused. Why is Jimin apologizing? What did he do to be sorry for? You two have been friends for so long that there’s hardly anything you can do to offend each other, or so you think.

The next message rolls in and everything is clicking, your brain moving like clockwork as everything comes back into place and your memory is clearer than day on a sunny morning.

Jimin Park that ass [12:48pm]

if you want me to talk to Yoongi and tell him i was just kidding whne i said you have a crush on him ill do it, i’ll convince him its not true

It’s as if you hadn’t even drunk last night, your memory sharper than ever with the scene replaying in your mind, the reel rewinding and playing over and over again, taunting you in your embarrassment and dread.

Yoongi knows you like him. Yoongi knows you like him. Min fuckin’ Yoongi knows that you like him.

It’s the only thought that goes through your brain, unable to process anything else because oh my god Min Yoongi knows, he knows!

You decide you’ll deal with Jimin later, suppressing all violent urges to march over to his house and ring his neck like a rag, and instead you simply hold down the power button on your phone until the device shuts down. The phone is released from your hand, landing with a loud thud on the floor, unable to care at this point and you let your eyelids flutter shut, taking a deep breath in an attempt to rid yourself of the tension that is pinching every single one of your nerve endings. Breathe in, breathe out, you tell yourself, but your body tenses and the next thing you know, you’re burying your face in a pillow to muffle the scream that you’re belting out of your lungs; your arms and legs flail around like a fish out of water and you kick your blankets about in a fit of frustration and desperation. The screaming comes to an end and you’re sure the pillow didn’t do much to conceal the sound that reverberates throughout the apartment, but you don’t really care that anyone within the vicinity of the building probably heard you because it’s only Yoongi who you’re self-conscious around and after the whole secretly crushing on him, then not so secretly crushing on him, nothing else really matters.

Laying in bed aimlessly screaming into the void won’t do anything to help your case, so you decide to bite the bullet, face Yoongi once and for all because you’re going to have to eventually, you can’t live your life hiding from your roommate. And who knows, maybe he doesn’t even remember the conversation, or rather, Jimin spewing unfiltered words to no one in particular. Who are you kidding? Of course he remembers. He wasn’t drunk and he isn’t dumb. He knows the truth and there’s nothing you can do to change that.

Creeping out of your room like a burglar in your own home, you keep on your toes, listening for any signs of Yoongi, trying to locate him before making any rash decisions. Biting the bullet quickly turns into trying your best to stay out of sight as you peep down the hall to see his bedroom door is left half open, the way he has it when he’s not inside and you mentally cross off his room from the list in your head of places to avoid. Your eyes travel to the bathroom, but the light is off and there’s no running water to be heard; bathroom: clear. The tension rises as you move further down the hall, sneaking towards the common living space where he’s most likely to be if not in his room, and you can hear your heartbeat pounding in your own ears, the reality of all of this crashing down as you think of what you’ll possibly say to him when you see him. ‘Sorry’? Or maybe ‘Haha fooled you’. Or even better, you won’t say a word, the both of you pretending nothing happened as you slowly drift apart until the inevitable day comes when you no longer speak, and you are freed from the lease of the apartment and you can move to the other side of the world where you won’t need to worry anymore.

The creaking floorboard beneath your foot brings your attention back to the task at hand and you freeze in your spot, hoping you haven’t been caught. There’s no call of your name or wary ‘who’s there’, and now that you think about it, there’s no other sound other than your shallow breathes and you realize that it’s much too quiet for Yoongi to even be home. This gives you the courage to move faster as you poke your head into the living room, finding the TV off and the couch untouched; whipping your attention to the kitchen, the only sign of life even passing through the space is a coffee mug left on the counter. You visibly relax when the still room confirms Yoongi is no where to be found and your stiff muscles are loosening in relief; at least this will buy you some time to figure out what you can possibly do to remedy the situation.

Your steps are less calculated and your demeanor less apprehensive; you can finally walk through your home as if you own the place, because well, you do. The fridge is where you head to first, grabbing a glass of water to cure the dehydration you’re sure is plaguing your body from the amount of alcohol consumed the night before. Next on your To-Do list is shower, you just want to wash away the filth you feel from last night and you hope that the mess that clouds your mind will be able to rise with the steam, clearing your head so you can spend a moment in peace.

Your moment of peace doesn’t last long once you’ve wiped away the fog from the mirror and you’re returning to your room to throw on an oversized sweater. It’s when you’re already one step from the kitchen that you hear keys jingle at the door, the lock clicks and panic crawls your skin; you’re trapped like a deer frozen in headlights and maybe if you run you can make it back to your room before he steps inside, but your brain and body forget how to function and you’ve gone from a deer in highlights to a deer plucked right out of its habitat because acting natural is the last thing you’re doing right now.

Yoongi raises an eyebrow when he catches you scampering around like you’ve been caught doing something you shouldn’t be doing and a forced smile is all you can muster in return.

“Um, hi?” he says once he’s stepped into the apartment, throwing his keys aside and toeing his shoes off.

He has a plastic bag in his hand but you can hardly pay attention to that because you’re dumbstruck by his simple attire of black jeans and a plain white tee, the clothing adorning his body in a way that makes him look like he just walked out of a magazine and you can’t help but let your eyes linger on his collar bones that poke out from his loose shirt. Your gaze continues to trace his every feature, working your way up to take note of the cap you bought him last Christmas that has his dark hair pushed back, allowing his brows that are normally hidden behind bangs to nicely frame his face. It’s like you’re in a trance until the naturally pouted lips that have you completely captivated are moving to form words that you don’t quite catch and you shake yourself out of the daze to focus on what he has to say.

“You okay there?” Yoongi asks with the slightest hint of amusement hidden in the arch of his brow.

“I- uh, yeah,” you manage to say, still not completely back to your senses.

“Are you sure? Because you were staring,” he casually mentions as he strolls into the kitchen and places the bag down on the counter.

“No I wasn’t,” you say back too quickly and you mentally slap yourself.

“A little shy, aren’t we?” His tone makes him seem cocky and the lop-sided smile makes it even more so.

Your at a loss for words because although Yoongi’s smugness hardly ever comes as a surprise to you, it has never been aimed directly at you and your mind is in a frenzy as you try to comprehend what’s happening.

“It’s alright,” Yoongi begins when you leave him without a response, “it’s normal to get shy around your crush.” He finishes his sentence with a wink that leaves you gawking at him because never would you have expected Yoongi to be so bold in his actions, playing with your feelings so thoughtlessly.

“Since when were you a douche bag?” is the first sentence you’re able to form since Yoongi stepped through the door, and it’s a damn good one because what has gotten into Yoongi? You’d expect this behaviour from other members of the male species, but not from Yoongi; he’s a close friend, close enough to know which lines not to cross and which buttons not to push. But today something seems to be malfunctioning and you think you need to hire a repair man to fix your friend or maybe you can just get a new one all together.

“Aw, Y/N, I’m just teasing, there’s no need to get upset.”

His words only infuriate you further and you channel all of your anger into your clenched fists, clamping your lips shut to keep you from lashing back and you decide to be the bigger person as you turn on your heel and storm off towards your bedroom.

You don’t make it over the threshold in time to relax and Yoongi is just half a step behind you, calling out to you as you rush through the doorway.

Spinning around to face him, you can’t keep your cool any longer. “Leave me alone, I hate you!” you blurt out, childlike in your manner as you attempt to slam the door shut almost as if you’re a kid all over again and you’re throwing a fit over some silly mishap.

But Yoongi’s reflexes are fast and his hand shoots up in time to halt the door in its tracks, pushing it back open to be face to face with you.

“There’s a thin line between hate and love, darling,” he remarks with a voice as soft as velvet, the words rolling off his tongue so smoothly. You catch the corner of his mouth twitching up into a smirk before he leans in close, bringing his lips to your ear to say his next words. “And there’s a thin wall between our rooms.”

You can feel your face drain of all colour at the insinuation while simultaneously setting your skin on fire in utter embarrassment and it feels as if your flesh is wax melting off onto the floorboards, seeping into the cracks how you wish you could. The smugness is thick in his voice and it’s clear that he means exactly what you think; your little secret isn’t so secret anymore.

He pulls away just enough to look you in the eyes, his gaze intimidating but captivating all at once and you can’t bring yourself to look away. “You really thought I didn’t know? Every little sound, every moan, every time you called out my name – I heard it all, Y/N. It was torture sitting there in my room listening to you touch yourself when it could’ve been me touching you instead.” He pauses, his eyes darkening at his next words. “Tell me, how many fingers did you have inside of you when you were imagining it was me?”

You’re at a loss for words, but what Yoongi has in mind doesn’t need any because instead of saying anymore, he’s leaning down low and tilting your chin up, capturing your lips in a kiss that you’ve only ever had in your dreams. Everything stops and you feel like a cliché in a teenage movie; you’re frozen in time and space and the only thing that matters is here and now, you and Yoongi. It takes a moment for you to come back to your senses, realizing that this is actually happening, Yoongi is kissing you right now and you should probably kiss him back.

Snaking your arms around his neck for leverage, Yoongi groans into your mouth when you pull yourself closer to deepen the kiss and his hands automatically find their way around your waist to hold you flush against his body. Eagerness has your lips parting and Yoongi doesn’t hesitate to let his tongue slip into your mouth, greedy to get a better taste of you and it’s messy and rushed but perfect in every way. Somehow his hat is on the floor and your fingers thread through his hair, his own fingers finding their way to the hem of your sweater to get under the material; his hands are cold against your flushed skin, heightening the sensation of each of his movements as he rubs and squeezes at your flesh, working his way to your ass. His firm hand massages your bottom and you’re breaking the kiss to moan out in pleasure, your hips buck forward and you begin to grind on the bulge forming in his pants.

The sounds are like music to his ears, not muffled behind closed doors and drywall, but loud and clear as you whimper at his every touch and Yoongi thinks he can get used to this. He’s quick to pepper kisses along your neck, biting and gnawing in all the right places, anything to hear you whimpering and with every moan all that goes through his mind is ‘mine, mine, mine’. He wonders what other noises he can get you make and he’s greedy to find out as soon as possible, hooking his fingers under your sweater to pull the fleece over your head.

Yoongi sucks in a sharp breath when he realizes you’re not wearing a bra beneath the fabric and he stares at you almost in disbelief. “You’ll be the death of me,” Yoongi breathes out, his eyes raking over every curve of your body until a flash of darkness crosses over them and they glaze over in desire. It feels like an eternity with the way he’s looking at you, admiring you, before he’s attacking your lips, hungry for more and he takes a step forward, the two of you stumbling to the other side of the room. This kiss doesn’t last as long because you’re just as impatient as Yoongi and your roaming hands find their way to the hem of his shirt just as the back of your legs come in contact with the mattress and your knees buckle to fall back on the cushion. The eagerness has Yoongi practically ripping the shirt off of his own back before he climbs up on the bed, crawling on top of you as you pull yourself up the length of the bed. Lips lock and you’re chest to chest, skin to skin to finally feel Yoongi against you, touching you in ways you’ve only ever imagined.

Yearning for more, you’re no longer in control of your body when your hips begin to move against his, looking for any kind of relief from the aching desire deep within your core. The dry humping is short lived when Yoongi’s grip is pinning your hips to the mattress and his lips break away from yours to trail down your jaw, neck, and chest; licking and sucking every part of your exposed skin. The hand on your hip doesn’t hesitate to find its way to your panty clad cunt, and your mind almost goes blank when Yoongi’s thumb begins to massage your clit through the fabric. You’ve long ago soaked through the material and Yoongi can’t hide his satisfaction that has a hum leaving his lips once he’s face to face with the cotton that clings to your folds with your arousal.

“Yoongiiiiii,” you whine out in the way you’ve done so many nights before.

His eyes flash up at you and you can see the way he’s riled up, desire flaring in his irises. “Say it again,” he says almost as a demand with his voice lowering and you don’t hesitate to whimper out his name when he’s puts more pressure on your clit, rubbing harsh circles into the bundle of nerves.

‘Yoongi, Yoongi, Yoongi,’ escapes your lips in between heavy breaths and the sound alone has him worked up almost as much as you although you’ve yet to lay a finger on him. Yoongi’s patience wears thinner and thinner with each moan of his name until it’s non-existent and he rids you of your panties in seconds, finally getting a look at your bare body in all its glory.

A single finger slides up your slit, collecting the juices that are already leaking out and all you want to do is shy away when Yoongi puts the digit in his mouth to get a taste, but his grip on your thigh keeps your legs open and exposed for him. He sucks it clean as if your arousal is the most delicious thing he has ever had the pleasure to taste on his tongue and the sight sends shivers down your spine; a lick of his lips and a flash of a smirk are the last things you see before his face is buried between your legs and you feel as if every tension in your body is being released. You gasp out at the sudden sensation of Yoongi’s mouth on your folds and your eyes screw shut while your fingers get tangled in his hair. He runs his tongue up and down your slit, getting lost in the taste until he stops at your clit, licking and sucking in a way that has you mewling beneath him. His fingers find their way to your entrance and there’s no more time for teasing because he pushes two in without warning and the stretch feels so good you’re tugging at Yoongi’s hair, pulling him closer if that’s even possible, before grinding into his face. This has him growling against you and the vibration mixed with the quick thrusting of his fingers almost has you losing it.

With a cry of his name, you’re clenching around nothing when he pulls his fingers out from your walls; his jaw slackens and tongue flattens, and he lets you ride out your high on his face, drowning him in your cum that he’s eager to lick up.

Exhaustion washes over you almost as hard as your orgasm did and you release your hold on Yoongi, your body going limp as your bones and muscles feel as if they are melting into the mattress. You fight off the forces that anchor your body, that’s more Jell-O than human, to the bed just enough to lift your head and find Yoongi peeking up at you. His rounded eyes make him look cute despite the aftermath of your climax smeared across his face and he looks so innocent it’s almost deceiving. Yoongi keeps his curious gaze locked on yours as he leans down and licks one big swipe up your slit, mischievousness creeping its way onto his face as you wriggle around at the uncomfortable sensation of overstimulation.

“Yoongi, stoppppp,” you playfully whine, dragging out the syllables as he continues with kitten licks in between his lighthearted laughter. Your legs lock around his head in hopes of hampering his movement, but his fingertips poking at your sides in light tickles have you loosening your grip enough for him to move.

“I’m not done with you yet, sweetheart,” he says, his voice losing all playfulness and going back to gruff and husky with an undertone of lust.

Yoongi sits up on his knees, lifting your legs with him and your ankles lock behind his neck as he manages to maneuver out of his pants.

Your mouth goes dry at the sight of his cock, hard and leaking, desperate for attention that you’ll very gladly give it. He takes his member in his hand and you swallow hard as he slowly pumps it, watching as the bead of pre-cum drips from the tip and his thumb rolls it over his head.

“Don’t worry, I’ll let you have a taste later,” Yoongi says smugly, and you have to forcefully break your stare away from his dick to meet his eyes. You’re all but drooling and with the way he stares at you with a cocky smirk pulling at his lips, you know your every thought is written across your face.

Having enough of the chit chat, Yoongi leans in closer with you legs still in the air, practically folding you in half, and if you knew you’d be testing your flexibility today, you definitely would have stretched before hand. Your legs rest on his shoulders and he groans in approval when he sees your cunt glistening for him once more; it’s not surprising that you’re wet already with all the filthy thoughts of his cock going straight to your core.

Yoongi’s breath comes out heavy when finally there’s contact between his tense member and your slick folds and he can no longer restrain himself, positioning his head at your entrance and giving you a moment’s notice before he’s slamming into you. It’s as if the wind has been knocked out of you and you grasp at the sheets to ground yourself because if you thought the stretch of his fingers was otherworldly, this sends you traveling through space and time to another dimension. There’s no holding back the cries of pleasure that pour from your lips when he begins to thrust and you yell out his name in ways you only wished you could every time you were tucked away between closed doors, fingers buried within yourself, calling out to him in a soundless whimper. But there’s no holding back for you or Yoongi, moaning out his name relentlessly as he responds in the form of grunts each time his hips collide with your skin, pounding into you like he’s a starved man and you’re his saving grace.

Your second orgasm comes as a tsunami, as if the ocean floor is cracking open and unleashing the sheer force of the natural disaster in the form of unmeasurable bliss. The sun and moon play tug of war with every gravitational pull and waves of pleasure surge through your body with each roll of his hips, leaving you to float off into oblivion as Yoongi chases his own high that has long pushed him over the edge, hardly grasping at reality when his seed fills you and slick, lewd sounds mix in between heavy breathes and uncontrolled moans.

Exhaustion hits you hard once the adrenaline dies down and Yoongi is practically dead weight curled around your body in a way that conveys so much innocence that it’s almost unbelievable that this is the same man that a few moments earlier was balls deep within you. His head rests on your breasts and the warm air that leaves his lips with each breath tickles your skin; the arm that is strewn carelessly across your hips tightens around you and you peer down to find Yoongi staring up at you.

“How long?” he asks after a moment of silently gazing at each other.

Your question of ‘how long what?’ is heard unsaid and he’s replying instantly.

“How long since you started touching yourself to the thought of me?”

The words sound vulgar now that your body has drained of all arousal and you’re returning to the shy mess you were earlier.

“Mmm,” you ponder for a moment with your lips pressed together; there’s really nothing to lose at this point. “A few months probably? Maybe more?” you say unsurely, but you’re not unsure at all, you remember very vividly when this began and you could tell him an exact date if he asked. “It was that day I accidentally… walked in on you naked.”

Except you didn’t really walk in on him, you more of ripped the sheets off of his bare body after barging into the room.

8:36. Shit. You slept through your alarms (stress on the ‘s’ because you set approximately 6 different alarms to avoid this exact situation). You bolt up from your bed that’s still scattered with notes from your late-night study session and flail around the room in a panic trying to collect your books and yourself. 8:41. You’ve managed to get semi-clean clothes on your body and a toothbrush in your mouth. Your school bag is slung over your shoulder and you burst into Yoongi’s room without a second thought. It’s a 10 minute drive to campus, Yoongi will take 6 minutes to get out of bed and make sense of your uncoherent squabbling, 1 minute for the elevator to get you to the garage where his car is parked; leaving you with 2 minutes to spare before exam papers are slapped down on your desk and the ‘no talking or you get a zero’ rule is implemented.

Still running numbers through your head, you frantically call out to Yoongi who is sound asleep while reaching for the blanket that has him tucked in. Your hand balls around the fabric and you tear it away from his sleeping form in one swift movement. One second you’re trying to figure out if you’ll make it to school in time to write your exam and the next, you’re staring point-blank at Yoongi’s erect cock.

Morning wood is no where close to being a new concept to you, it’s an odd, but natural occurrence that you came to terms with at some point between middle school and high school when you woke up next to your best friend, accusing him of being a pervert. But here and now? It’s a completely different situation. Yoongi, not only your roommate but also your long-term crush, can get you hot and bothered by just coming home sweaty after a workout. You’ve been able to suppress all the dirty thoughts that creep into your mind late at night, but naked Yoongi in your imagination is nothing close to naked Yoongi in real life. As much as you wish you could stand there and admire him in all his glory, the sight leaves you flustered, blushing violently when Yoongi startles awake and you apologize profusely, not looking back as you run out of the room.

You take an Uber to school and barely manage to make it through your exam without the image of Yoongi popping up in your mind every other question. You take the long way home, getting off the bus a few stops early to aimlessly walk through the park, stopping to buy coffee from the cozy shop on the corner, only returning home once you’re sure Yoongi is not there. That night, when the naughty images seep into your thoughts, you don’t have the willpower to deny it any longer and Yoongi’s name slips from your lips when your fingers slip into your walls.

“So I could’ve been listening to you moan my name for months?” Yoongi questions, shock and disappointment crossing his features all at once. “And here I thought I stumbled across a gold mine a few weeks ago when I heard you through the walls.”

Neither of you say anymore and the room falls silent save for the shallow breaths that have your chests rising and falling in sync. Yoongi stays wrapped around you and you begin to feel sleep heavy on your eyelids until he’s speaking again.

“How long?” he questions once again and confusion crosses your features because didn’t you just answer that question? “How long have you had this crush?” he clarifies.

This question, you’re not so quick to answer, feeling embarrassed and shy that he’s even bringing it up. It somehow feels more intimate than the last question and you weren’t planning to confess to him like this (you weren’t planning to confess to him at all if you’re being honest). It seems silly that your skin still flushes under the weight of his gaze after everything that just happened, but you can’t help it and you avert your eyes trying to collect your thoughts.

“I don’t know,” you mumble after a moment, needing to give him some sort of answer even if it’s inadequate and you’re positive he can hear the way your heart races in your chest, fluttering away with nerves and timidity.

Yoongi is perceptive and your silence on the matter is a clear indicator that this crush has been going on longer than you care to admit, not to mention the way your heart pounds beneath where his head rests, sounding like there’s a marching band making its rounds in your rib cage.

“Don’t tell me that not only could I have been listening to you moan out my name for months, but I also could’ve been dating you for months?” The question is rhetorical with the revelation of your well-kept secret and instantly, implications of his words have you dizzy with a million thoughts whirling around in your mind.

Before you can get any words out to ask for clarification, frantically searching your brain that’s a muddled mess for a coherent sentence, there’s a loud knock at the front door and you instantly freeze, the sudden intrusion startling you. Yoongi is thinking on the same wavelength as you when he stills, as if the slightest movement will tip off whoever’s at the door that you two are indeed home. The knocking persists and despite the blush that seems to permanently paint your skin pink, there is nothing in this world that can bring you to leave Yoongi’s arms.

‘Y/N!’ you hear being called and you groan for what feels like an eternity before reaching for Yoongi’s wrist to remove his arm from your waist.

Yoongi only resists, tightening his hold on you, “can’t we just pretend we’re not home?”

‘Y/N, open the door!’ Your best friend’s voice travels through the walls in between the pounding of his fist on the wood and you sincerely wish it was that simple.

“This is Jimin we’re talking about, he’s not going to leave,” you inform Yoongi, knowing your friend all too well.

“It’s not like he’ll know that we’re here,” Yoongi counters, trying to find anyway to convince you to stay here wrapped up in your own little world where you and he are the only thing that matters.

‘I know you’re in there! Y/N, please!’

You look at Yoongi pointedly, “I’m only ever at home or at his place, there’s no getting out of this.” And although you’ve made your point, you’re reluctant to leave the arms that you’ve spent countless hours day dreaming about.

“Okay, how about you get rid of him, and I draw us a bath?” he proposes with a soft smile finding its way to his lips.

They way he says ‘us’ has your heart going through another frenzied fit of fluttering and Yoongi chuckles at your reaction that you don’t even bother to hide. You squeak out a small ‘okay’ and the smile he gives you in return is breathtaking, heartwarming in the way his pearly whites and pink gums show nothing but pure joy.

Yoongi shifts to press the softest of kisses to the skin between your breasts and untangles his limbs from yours, “see you soon, doll face.”

He’s already on his feet, strolling out the door before he can witness the way you squirm in the sheets and if he wasn’t on the other side of a piece of drywall, you’d be squealing into a pillow in delight, feeling like you’re dancing on the clouds with the world at your feet.

Jimin all but drops to his knees when you swing the door open, begging for forgiveness as he apologizes over and over for his big mouth that causes nothing but trouble. You have to laugh at that because his big mouth has done quite the opposite this time around and you tell him you’re not mad, trying to convince him that you truly mean it and you usher him back out the door as you let him know you have something to tell him later. With a quick hug, you’re closing the door, a small ‘thank you’ slipping from your lips, leaving him to stare at you in confusion for the split second before the door clicks shut and you’re turning around to run back to Yoongi.

The small space is filled with steam and Yoongi greets you from the tub, already submerged in the hot water with bubbles foaming around his body. A smile breaks across his face when you enter the room and he holds out a hand, waiting for you to join him as you rid yourself of the sweater you threw on to answer the door. You take his hand and step into the tub, settling between his legs as warmth envelopes your body in the form of limbs and water and everything good.

Bubbles tickle your toes and it feels as if you’re melting in delight; your back is to Yoongi’s chest, your head lolled back to rest on his shoulder and he nuzzles your neck, peppering your skin with featherlight kisses. It’s all so surreal and if someone had told you yesterday that you’d be taking part in such affectionate activities with Yoongi, you would’ve laughed in their face at the absurdity. But as dreamlike as it may seem, the arms wound tightly around your waist are too secure to be an illusion wrapped up in your subconscious and the lips on your neck, the nibbles on your ear are too gentle, too soft, too wonderous and unimaginable to be something conceived within the confinements of your own mind. You’re living out your every dream and with the way Yoongi silently hums in content as he holds you close, tracing your skin, he’s living out his too.

#yoongi x reader #suga x reader #yoongi smut #yoongi scenarios #suga smut #suga scenarios #bts smut #bts scenarios #min yoongi #min suga #i didnt get a chance to edit this so sorry for any mistakes!!!#oh gosh i dont know how this ended up 6k #i just wanted to write about yoongs #20

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lustertherainwing · 7 years

Note

hey, got any headcanons for anemone ?? or maybe anemarin too???

anemoneeee i love her....

and okay so let me just make a disclaimer that most of my headcanons are completely canon compatible BUT i rlly dont know abt anythign involving anemone later in the books, so some of my stuff MAY be ....inaccurate but. whatever i like my anemone the way she is-

so anemone is like. my second favorite character in the series (burn is number one holla hollaaa), because she is SO MORALLY GREY its enthralling imo. Shes a child, first of all, which i think is amazing in itself. The whole literary symbolism of children being innocent and pure and hopeful is completely turned on its ass with anemone, because she was abused by her shitty mother (and maybe father, idk), actually killed someone (not totally accidentally either), and is potentially one of the most powerful dragons in the world. we can discuss the awesome development the animus magic ACTUALLY contributes to her in a minute, but let me finish my train of thought - so essentially anemone is this chaotic whirlwind of a dragonet, instantly marked for greatness at the second you meet her, and completely defies standard literary symbolism, acting as a HUGE thematic element just by herself...

yo like . if you want the best character development, with the most conflicted and destroyed way of thinking, anemone is ur girl. hoooooo boy lets..lets keep going.

She was raised on Corals hip from when she hatched because of her mom’s obsessive control issues, a disgustingly abusive hover mom who raised her daughter to LOATHE the idea of being tethered to ANYTHING (hint hint, morals), and to always be the absolute center of attention. A lot of people can flatten anemone to some petty rich girl trope, which is viable, sure, at surface level, but anemone (and honestly a lot of characters that fall in the rich girl trope) live on the praise and encouragement of others. Anemone is INCREDIBLY jealous of everything (note: not envious), and fears 1) losing the few things she has (her ‘friends’, possessions, stature, etc...), and 2) being alone and unappreciated. Bc she has absolutely 0 self esteem (shes a princess (she was born into that, didnt earn it), is an animus (is isolated from everyone and treated like a weapon), and has never had the freedom to /do/ anything other than be the two things i just mentioned. and she is AWARE of this and therefore is aware of how absolutely awful her life/self is).

okay so, lets talk about...the animus magic. So animus magic, fundamentally, chips away at ones sense of judgement the more you use it (at least thats how it worked in arc 1, god knows what the fuck tui changed in arc 2, but idc im going off the first way), so the more you use it, the more reckless, and “insane” you become. so anemone, raised as a weapon, and raise with the EXTREME desire for freedom to do whatever the hell she wants, is obviously going to have some judgement issues in the first place. this animus magic acts as a trial of sorts, pushing anemone into this really interesting and unique moral threshold, where she can either recognize her flaws, accept them, and grow from them, or silence them more and become some chaotic disaster. so really she gets put between a rock and a hard place, and she has to choose, on the spot, which way she needs to go. ill let you think of ur own ways you would want it to end, but personally ive always enjoyed the idea that she teeters towards accepting herself (not completely ofc), and ..that whole thing. yada yada. happy-ish ending. woohoo

so anemone is this volatile, manipulative kid who really just wants validation and freedom, but has been stifled and shoved in a metaphorical box since she was hatched, and labeled as a potential danger, good for mass destruction. she has the potential to represent two different themes; 1 being that (in the happier ending scenario) the acceptance of pain, flaws, and that kinda stuff allows for growth and can help mend her behavior, 2 being (in the more grim ending) that the succumbing to ones trauma/etc and allowing it to define you and how you act ultimately destroys you, and those around you. (hopefully you can see why i enjoy the first ending better...)

and...if you’l allow me to take this a step further (and longer lol...), i’d like to talk abt my headcanons for future anemone...

so assuming she gets out with the happier ending (lets not talk about the sad one), i like to believe that anemone stews as princess for a while as tsunami continues managing the school with the other DoD, really bitter at her mom for being abusive and shitty (duh, me 2 anemone) and trying to forgive her mom, but really unable to, and ends up just getting more and more vengeful. so eventually, when shes probably 8 or so, she actually challenges coral for the throne, and after a really..rlly intense battle, with a lot of passion and pent up anger from anemone and bewildered betrayal and anger from coral, anemone ends up killing her mom and becoming queen, and then has to deal with a lot of second-guessing and guilt and just. tiredness, but ultimately (after a few years) recognizes that she /doesnt/ have to forgive her mom, or ANYONE for the shit theyve done to her, and that its her choice.

and she decides that she is gonna fucking SLAY as a queen, do waaayy better than her mom (who literally just wrote shitty fanfiction all day and let everyone else do the governing.....), and tries to be honestly? the best dragon she can be. im so proud of her. my little girl...all grown up...............................wipes my tears

aaannnd regarding anemone and tamarin....i think its definitely a little kid crush, (i mean...in canon they are literally children) so i dont see it getting too far (tamarin is pretty gentle but i dont think anemone is ready for any kind of serious relationship until AFTER she figures herself out first. otherwise she’s probably gonna end up hurting other people.

BUT i do enjoy the idea of her being gay. i mean ofc i called it (all my favorite characters are not straight. burn? demi/aro/gay/idk but shes not straight. coconut? gay. blaze and glacier? hahahah gay. i just call them how i see them, i dont make the rules.), and im GLAD she is gay....bc.....well duh. it works w my headcanons p well too bc my gay queen? who fucks the system because she never actually has any kids, and it ends up that her successors are either auklet or tsunami’s daughters.

so idk i dont rlly ship it hardcore. softcore is a hard maybe, but. its a kid crush its not rlly. serious or anything lol.

so....wowzah i talked a lot.

TLDR; anemone is super complex and morally grey and becomes a gay queen who destroys her mom and fucks society because she can.

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straane · 7 years

Text

tidus/yuna post x-2 headcanons vol.2

pt. 1

pt. 3

- previously on keeping up with the besaidians: Gippal plays pranks on Tidus . so anyway. Gippal's respect for Tidus and general opinion on the guy improves tenfold when he finds out he's at least somewhat handy with machina (having grown up in the machina city of Zanarkand). kinda like not every one of us is a computer technician but say we were suddenly whisked into a foreign world with basic technology only recently legalized and a general majority of population afraid to use it – we'd have something to contribute. (also this is canonically plausible – see the machina boss battle on the Al Bhed ship in Luca, where Tidus saves the day by pointing out that they can utilize the crane) like I don't see Gippal offering him a job with the Machine Faction anytime soon, more like Tidus travels with Yuna and sometimes they visit Djose and he'll notice something the workers missed (like in some ‘new’ type of machina freshly salvaged from the bottom of the ocean) or maybe even casually fixes something that's everyday in Zanarkand. (Tidus also knows like anyone who's dealt with a computer ever that sometimes they just need a good keyboard-smash. also see proof in canon.)

- Gippal's opinion on Tidus improves hundredfold when he, through small details and tidbits Rikku/Cid/....Brother I guess just kinda casually mention, finds out about his history with them and other Al Bhed starting with his very first day in Spira and how he always defended them and treated them like everyone else (of course there's the fact that he was not brought up a Yevonite and thus never brainwashed to hate them but idk if Gippal cares about nuance all that much. but this is one thing that technically earns Lulu the greater credit! altho they shoulda just told wakka about yuna from the very beginning argh)

- also remind me to draw Gippal & Tidus unlikely brotp/teamup art

- let's talk kids. first I gotta acknowledge @leviathkandy ‘s absolutely amazing headcanon that they might adopt, bc for some reason that never crossed my mind and it's so perfect actually!!! I could very well see some kids orphaned by Sin just kinda starting to hang around them in Besaid (like that cockblocking kid at the campfire that a certain legendary lady obviously sent Yuna's way EXCEPT BETTER. that’s right BETTER. BETTER KIDS.) or maybe they even pick one up on their various travels buuuut point is I could see it happening kinda in a half-accidental/organic fashion? and then developing into a Cloud/Tifa in AC sort of situation without the leaving and terminal illness and angst (sry Cloud you hang in there-bud)

- also here 's some highly hypothetical biological Tuna offspring I drew up

- (in any case all their 25 kids grow up to be amazing and nothing bad ever happens in their lives ever. they always in every situation heed their flawless parents' spot-on advice and respect and adore them 124,7% 24/7. tidus and yuna never age yet grow wiser every-year-and-also-nothing-bad-ever-happens-to-them-either. the end-except-not-bc-they-never-die

- OKAY fine. they do get older. and this silly doodle aside...I kinda see them both retaining their youthful spirits but perhaps in slightly different ways. Tidus of course keeps active well, well beyond middle age and even tho that certainly keeps him vigorous in body & soul, he kinda has a hard time dealing with the inevitable effects of aging and from time to time ends up hurting himself due to constant gross overestimation of his physical condition & capability (I feel like I'm again heavily influenced by if not straight-up copying @leviathkand's post here BUT IT'S TOO REAL THO). whenever this happens, somehow, inexplicably, defying all laws of physics and likelihood Lulu of all people is always there (while Yuna is always far off somewhere, also bafflingly and against all odds). and so the task of providing first aid (= healing incantations... and sometimes just a bandaid/good scolding) falls on her begrudging shoulders. the pattern repeats so often is sorta becomes a running gag between the Besaid gang (except when he gets seriously injured, which happens a couple of times, then no one jokes around except Tidus) also, imagine middle-aged/elderly Lulu. just imagine. if u dare lol.

- Yuna, growing into adulthood, after that teen rebel phase important character development sooorta mellows back into her X personality with added wisdom and outspokenness and attention to her own needs. what I mean with "mellowing" is going back to a more poised and... sophisticated presence, I guess? I feel like I'm wording this all wrong, but yeah. basically a combo of her X and X-2 personas, best of both worlds adsdsaf. however when she's pushing 80-90 she regresses (or evolves???) riiiight back to her spherehunter days and starts spouting stuff like "your plan sucks and so does your face" and "oh poopie" while still somehow being the most elegant and well-spoken woman in the whole wide Spira.

- aaand back to their young and hot selves. there's lots of theories going around about Tidus's identity and origins because of course there would be. literally a nobody out of frekking nowhere who’s somehow both former guardian and s.o. to their beloved High Summoner and a stellar blitzball player to boot? missing for a while? weirdly clueless about mundane everyday stuff yet comfortable with machina? (he’s a sheltered Bikanel-native Al Bhed obvi) some people of course remember him from the pilgrimage but like, did anyone actually pay attention to him back then lol. of course Tidus & Yuna can't just go public with the truth because the story is as bizarre as it is tragic and highly personal to them in many ways too, so they both kinda dance around the subject and make punny inside jokes under their breath that sometimes get quoted as actual answers and the speculation gets wilder.

- however once it comes out that he's actually Sir Jecht's son (idk why I feel either Cid or Brother would let it slip. or maybe Brother is just anonymously calling up tabloids out of jealousy lol) everybody just EXPLODES and forgets about everything else. the power couple's popularity instantly climbs to an all-time high, and it’s all anyone talks about for a good few months and then some. howeverrr Tidus is less than pleased. he may have made his peace with Jecht but is still not quite over the man’s former monstrous alter ego and all the suffering he brought upon Spira (if unwillingly). again, their real story is in large part simply too traumatic and too intimate to share

- they totally re-enacted the laughing scene. you know they did. (obviously on that very same balcony in luca) it was an embarrassing failure tho, as they almost immediately started laughing for real and nobody even batted an eye or noticed anything unusual given that not a day passes by that the two don't have at least one shared giggle fit (and at really random stuff too, like the wind when it's nice) also, they were about 50 when this took place. for the 15th time.

#ffx #ffx-2 #Tidus #yuna #tidus x yuna #ffx meta #ffx-2 meta #too fluffy??#prolly.#but i like to save the angst for fanfiction #also #my stupidest irrational fear is that #one of my headcanons was actually somehow addressed in canon #and I jUSt can'T remembER #mostly only with x-2 #i know ffx by heart and that is not an overstatement #*rewrites resume*

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spiicemarket · 6 years

Note

idk if you are still doing this, but im evil so for the ask thing: 1-65

UGH SOMEONE ALWAYS DOES THIS whatevs nonny ty for the ask also i did some of these already but imma just do em again cuz im basically a new person than yesterday. under the cuttt

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? i honestly have no idea what this means so.. no?

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? unreasonably.

3. The person you would never want to meet? hitler

4. What is your favorite word? *moist*

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? the one rotting from the inside out

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? “wow look im wearing boots with heels 2day im so tall”

7. What shirt are you wearing? a plain black t shirt

8. What do you label yourself as? an annoying female

9. Bright room or dark room? dark but i want a pastel one

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? trying to sleep and failing

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? i rlly enjoyed being 6 actually

12. Who told you they loved you last? probably my mom lmao

13. Your worst enemy? hitler

14. What is your current desktop picture? the one that comes with the laptop lolol

15. Do you like someone? i mean i like people (some of them) but i dont have a crush on anyone fjekomd

16. The last song you listened to? sippy cup by melanie martinez

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? nobody id rather push them off a cliff

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? umm the kid that calls me fat at recess lolol

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? hmm my brother and i would basically just make him bring me chickfila

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) hmm i like my hair its really long and

t h i c c

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? umm i would just look like myself with short hair and less chubby cheeks lol

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? i took hula dance class for 4 years

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? burning to death

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. okay i would have a sub with ham+lettuce+extraextraextra pickles+ pepper + oil + vinegar and thats it lol im v picky

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? parenthood pack and dine out pack

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? England!

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? apple juice plz

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? everyone is equal is society BUT there are representatives so like people dont have to vote for everything

29. What is your favorite expletive? bitch

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? laptop man

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? idk man i dont wanna erase any of my memories bcuz thats what builds me as a person.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! England!

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? My grandfather but only if he wasn’t sick anymore because I never got to know him even though he was around until i was 10.

34. What was your last dream about? i was in a quidditch game.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? simblr? cuz no lmao

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? yes once but i also went to urgent care when i broke my arm so idk if that counts

37. Have you ever built a snowman? no

38. What is the color of your socks? not wearing any

39. What type of music do you like? pop/alternative like melanie martinez

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? sunsets because it gets cooler

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? oreo mint

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) um green bay packers cuz thats what my family likes but i dont like sports..

43. Do you have any scars? nah

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? photographer but that aint happening so lawyer..?

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? i push people away because i cant talk about my feelings to them

46. Are you reliable? what like, a secret because yesssss but if it means not being late to something then lol no

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? whats ur follower count? LOL IM JUST KIDDING DONT COME FOR ME

48. Do you hold grudges? yes literally all the time

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? a cat-corgi

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? one time i spent a solid ten minutes debating with my step sister about whether or not my dog was a good boi

THE ANSWERS YES

51. Are you a good liar? no (or maybe thats a good lie????????????? the real answers yes lol)

52. How long could you go without talking? approximately 2 seconds

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? i had bangs when i was little

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? nope

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? nope

56. What do you like on your toast? dont like toast

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? my teachers making us draw a poppy :(

58. What would be you dream car? a hybrid

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. LMAO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME FOR THAT I HAVE 50 POUNDS OF HAIR

60. Do you believe in aliens? sometimes my step dad says he was abducted when he was 11

61. Do you often read your horoscope? nope

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? omega

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? dragons OBVI (mostly cuz harry potter)

64. What do you think about babies? adorable

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. THE ANON DIDNT ASK SO ILL TELL A STORY:

one time i fell out of a shopping cart and broke my arm

the end

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fapangel · 7 years

Note

So what;s this latest ImpeachTrump of the week, i heard he gave classified information to russia also two scoops of ice cream? What is going on (mainly the former)

It'sfunny you mentioned the “two scoops of ice cream” thing, becauseit's identical to the “classified info” thing - hysterical andbreathtaking lies.

It'simpossible to overstate the complete and utter totalityofthe utter fuckingbullshit atplay here. The quote-unquote “classified info” cited by the (whoelse?) WaPo's initial “story” related to ISISplans to hide explosives inside laptop computers for attackingairliners. This superclassified info wasreported by CNN on AprilFucking Fools Day - note Sean Spider giving a motherfuckingpress briefing onit in their own video. Thelede (first paragraph, and even first sentence) of a news story issupposed to cover the who, what, when, where, how and why, but thisrather crucial bit of the whatwasburied sixparagraphs deep byWaPo - gee, I wonder why.

It'salso hard to believe WaPo's ~anonymoussources~ whiningabout “compromising the source” when said source wouldn't havehad a fucking clue without them running to the media. Provide Russiawith “classified information” and they mightacton it in a way that tips off said source to their having theinformation. Run to the media shrieking and crying, and you fuckingguarantee it.Thus, these “anonymous sources” are clearly lying out of theirfucking assesaboutthis, because if they actually gave a shit about it, they wouldn'thave said shit.

Asfor anonymous sources, the WaPo attributes their information to:

*“current and former U.S. officials”* “a U.S. officialfamiliar with the matter”*”an official with knowledge ofthe exchange.”*”a former senior U.S. counterterrorismofficial who also worked closely with members of the Trump nationalsecurity team.”* “the second former official”* “aformer senior U.S. official who is close to current administrationofficials.”

That last one is my favorite -third-hand information.And not a single one ofthese “sources” is named - the WaPo expects us to just trust them- and theirmysterious “sources” -implicitly.

Byfar the most shocking revelation in the “Vault Seven” leaks washow the CIA had invested tremendous sums of money into their ownin-house ELINT/hacking/computersurveillance apparatus; their “own NSA.” The colossal wasteof taxpayer money in duplicating abilities was done solelyso the CIA wouldn't have todisclose to the NSA - or Homeland Security (and thus, the WhiteHouse) what the hell they were up to, in order to request NSA hackingassistance. This should scare the shit out of you, because the SenateIntelligence Committee found the CIAactively hid their barbaric and pointless torturing from both theJustice Department and the White House. These are the kind ofpeople the WaPo is parroting; in effect serving as their mouthpieceand enabler in their continued - and outright treasonous - betrayalof the chain of command to defend their own interests.

Whenjournalists cite anonymous sources, they're asking the readers totrust in their integrity; baking on their publication's long-standingreputation of accurate and honest reporting - as evidenced by decadesof reporting backed up byexhaustively researched, cited, and attributed facts and sources. Themedia is no longer askingtobe trusted; when challenged on their constantuseof “anonymous sources,” they now demandyou trust them and shout down anyone who dares question theirauthority as arbiters of truth, asthis CNN anchor did on live fucking television. She insists itmust betrue because allthemajor news networks are repeating the same lies - but we knowtheycollude with one another because they literally jerkeach other off on Twitter:

Iwrote about the “end-zone dances on Twitter” before, but nowthey're stroking each other off in their actualpublications beforetrading sticky high-fives on Twitter for all the world to see. Andyet, if you suggest that maybe, just maybe, we can't trust theirobjectivity when it comes to shady, mysterious government sources andthe axes they want to grind, you're shouted down on live televisionfor challenging the Divine Right of Reporters.

Butit doesn't end there - why would it? Now Republicans and Russians arebasically the same people, just four short years after ourPresidential candidate Mitt Romney wasroundly mocked by the left every time he talked about Russians asadversaries. Then Comey made “notes”about alleged conversations that “some people” at the FBI haveallegedly seen, according to otherpeople- third hand information without a single fucking source named.Andjust today, Trump's accused of getting chummy with “Russians”according to “adocument read to the New York Times by an American official.”Andafter the obligatory circle-jerking and self-congratulatorygloating over their own lies, they publish anop-ed gloating over how they sure showed Trump for daring to defytheir power. Nevermind the HarvardUniversity study proving Trump's right about the media'sill-treatment, with numbers: he deservedit.So what if over 90%of their coverage was viciously negative? Whogives a fuck about objectivityortruth? He challenged the Divine Right of Reporters, so he must becrushed.

Ipersonally know people who honestly think “media bias” claims areoverblown and that they're mostly reliable, or honest. I delayedwriting this column because I foresaw typing the following line: ifyou still believe that the media is not overwhelmingly biased againstTrump, you are a fucking idiot. Idon't feel bad about saying it, now, because to denythese facts tomy face is tantamount to insulting my intelligence. Such drasticallydivergent views of reality cannot be perceptual twists on a commontruth; ifI'm not mostly correct, then I must be entertaining mad delusions.There is no middleground on this, andwe've no more time to seek some, becauseof what the media is lying about.

Obligatorydrive-by attacks notwithstanding,the media's not using their immense power to attack Trump's polices;noton immigration, economics, or taxes. They're ignoringcampaignissues that Democrats will be running on come Congressional midtermsin 2018, in favor of a sprawling myth of Trump in particular, andRepublicans in general, being agents and allies of a hostile foreigngovernment. In short, they'renot trying to swing elections, but to ferment unrest and revolution.NewtGingrich - whom you might recognize as an experienced careerpolitician with few peers - succinctly echoed my own observationsin his op-ed yesterday:

“Weare today in a one-sided cultural civil war. The Left has picked thebattlefield and defined the terms of engagement... Those of us whotruly want to make America great again have one choice: Fight. Oursituation is similar to President Lincoln’s in 1861. He had to makethe choice between fighting until he won or giving up on the idea ofthe United States. Once again, our country is at stake.”

You'll note his choice of historical analogies, and hisclosing sentence (which I didn't read till after I'd written myultimatum paragraph above:) “There is no middle ground.”He, however, continues to speak in democratic terms; of elections andpermanent congressional minorities. But I see things different. I seea traditional news media that's suddenly and violently annihilatedthe last vestige of their fading credibility as their continuedfailure to adequately adapt to the digital age saps their baserevenue. I see fifty years of rage born of neglect, abuse andcontempt, having finally come to a head in the rust belt, goingnowhere fast; especially as the Democrat party's base platform driftsfurther and further Left - and away from the values of the old unionBoomers. I see an economy increasingly steeply divided by ruralversus urban, and a left wing more willing to retreat to elaboratefantasy worlds (as I've written about before) where everything wenttheir way sooner than face their own faults. I see the left labelinganyone who speaks against their politics as cabals of murderousNazis, even4chan. And above all I hear the statement that “antifa” wascrowing after Ann Coulter's Berkeley speech was canceled: “violenceworks.”

The fuel is set,the fire has been lit, and the media is doing their absolutedamnedest - doggedly, determinedlyand tirelessly - to fan theflames. And it's not just Trump in their sights, either - now allRepublicans are being implicated as allies of “Russians.”It's okay, even desirable, toend personal friendships with people if they voted for Trump,because he's a “blatantly (and proudly) bigoted candidate,” aswell as a racist and a “dangerous demagogue.” Inother words it's not “justpolitics” anymore; because Trump is comparable to genocide. Inshort, Trump iscategoricallyevil, andanyone who supports him are thus evilthemselves.

SinceI first issued my dire predictions of civil violence in thenot-so-distant future, I've been looking, exhaustively, for evidenceI'm wrong. But everything, everythingI look at leads me right back to the same conclusion: thisends in blood. It'sincreasingly difficult to partition off politics from my personallife; to believe that I'll be judged for my character first andpolitical affiliation second, because, again, thereis no middle ground here. IfI'm not judged a bigot and a racist, that leaves only a fool and adupe - and neither are deserving of respect. Itsas fundamental a break between people as can be made; a rift that'svery easy to widen and very, very difficult to heal again.

Theseare not happy thoughts - and all I need do to rekindle them is toturn the TV on during the damn morning news.

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lthasablog · 4 years

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The Pop Culture Essence of 2019 -- Part I: Movies

The mere existence of the year 2019 is a mystery to me. One need not do more than glance at Twitter, or just have a conversation with a friend, to notice that this year was unique in its ability to torture anyone who had the nerve to exist. Perhaps it was the horrors of the Trump presidency or the snuffing out of black lives like so many candles in the wind. Maybe it was the government-sanctioned camps cruelly detaining the most vulnerable or the existential threat of climate change bearing down on us all with intense inevitability. No matter the reason, I think we can all agree that 2019 has been the absolute worst and can die in a fire.

Now, It is no surprise that the artists who supply our pop culture took full advantage of the one thing 2019 supplied in spades: chaos. It has been one hell of a year and, most often, I chose to handle my feelings by escaping into movies, television, music and podcasts. To prove to myself that I didn’t waste an entire year of my life, I thought I would take this opportunity to distill the essence of 2019 into a list of the pop culture moments that most personify what 2019 meant to me. If you’re reading this, I hope that you learn a little something about me and how I see the world. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll have a little fun. After all, the real joys of 2019 are the distractions we found along the way.

Before we begin, a small preface — I really enjoy writing but I have never thought that I might have an audience for my work until just now. I’ve seen some of my peers publish their work online to great readership and personal success. I’m looking at you, Lincoln. Don’t worry, I’m not even going to attempt to write down my thoughts about debate, so your domain is safe. That said, if you all like this, then I’ll post more. If not, I will probably post more anyway.

Oh and also, I will only be writing about things I have seen and/or heard for myself. While I steep myself in all things pop culture like it’s my job, I do not feel it intellectually honest to analyze or critique a work with which I have no personal experience. Also, 2019 is, sadly, not over yet. There are many things that would likely be on this list that I just have not had the opportunity to see yet! Queen and Slim, Little Women, Cats (because, like, why and how?), Just Mercy, The Farewell, Uncut Gems and so many others come to mind. So if I leave out some of your favorites, or you just flat out disagree with what I have written here, great! I welcome the opportunity to discover new things and to have an open, civil discourse on mainstream culture.

Part I: The Movies That Defined 2019

Let’s begin with movies. As for every part of this essay, this list in no particular order. So, here are the movies I think most reflect the ouvre of 2019. Oh, and there are some mild spoilers ahead for many items in pop culture, so continue at your own risk.

Hustlers

Immediately after leaving the movie theater, I began telling everyone who would listen, and some who really did not want to, that we were now living in a post-Hustlers world. Perhaps it was the soundtrack. I mean, it is just full of songs which effortlessly evoke the energy of a post-2007/2008 financial crisis New York which reverberated throughout the rest of America in myriad ways. Casting Jennifer Lopez as a dancer in a popular New York strip club, and making her a supporting character in your movie is a major flex. Introducing Lopez’s character, Ramona, by showing her bring down the house to Fiona Apple’s iconic 1996 song, “Criminal” is a stroke of movie-making genius unparalleled by any I have seen in recent memory. Once you get over the majesty of that scene, Hustlers takes the viewer on a thrill ride that can only truly be understood by those who have spent their lives being underestimated by society and yearning to steal back just a fraction of what they are rightly owed. Watch out for your wallets in 2020; we’re living in a post-Hustlers world. Oh also, this movie could NEVER have worked if it were directed by a man. Hollywood, take note.

Jordan Peele’s follow-up to his brilliant debut film Get Out is a weird, winding and wonderful story from beginning to end. While the movie may not have fully fleshed out its mythology as did its predecessor, Get Out, I definitely left the theater with more questions than when I entered. One may find it impossible not to get lost in the metatext of Peele’s take on class divides in the United States and the nation’s many broken promises to black America. Also, Lupita Nyong’o’s dual performances as Adelaide and Red are worth the price of admission! She is truly one of the best actresses of our generation and you know that we are truly living in a bleak timeline when an Academy Award winning performer of her caliber can still be considered underrated by the media meritocracy.

Avengers: Endgame

And now for something completely different…Okay yeah, I know, it’s a comic book movie. However, I will not apologize for the fact that Avengers: Endgame was, by far, the best movie-going experience I had all year. The movie is a marvel, no pun intended, in storytelling, quality of performances and the never ending capitalist machine that is the Marvel and Disney partnership. When you think about it, it is truly awe-inspiring that the folks at Marvel sketched out a decade-long plan that actually worked. Endgame delivered near non-stop thrills and emotion, save perhaps the scene between Black Widow and Hawkeye on Vormir. I don’t think I need to say too much more about this one, especially given that the people have spoken with their dollars, as the movie has set a box office record, with grossed $2.797 billion worldwide, according to Box Office Mojo. Also, isn’t it just beautiful when a plan comes together? Honorable mention goes to Captain Marvel, Marvel’s first lady-led feature. I do hope that the promise of Endgame’s seeming pivot to passing the torch to black, women and queer characters actually bears some fruit. A changing of the guard is definitely in order and I am eagerly awaiting Marvel’s next phase.

Midsommar

Warning: Do not break up with Ari Aster. If you do, he might write a film wherein the avatar for his ex will face some nightmarish comeuppance. All kidding aside, Midsommar is definitely not for everyone. The film is a portrait of grief, mental illness and isolation, all set against an idyllic Sweedish backdrop. It is a horror film, but it almost defies genre. While most horror films deal in hiding the monsters in dark corners and opt for jump scares, Astor chooses instead to bathe all of the wretchedness of his characters in sunlight, and many monsters lurk in plain sight. In Midsommar, you can see everything with a cold clarity, and that alone is disorienting. The most terrifying part of Midsommar is that you will walk away questioning the motives and sincerity of every person in your life, while also reevaluating your previous notions of community and what it means to be a part of something larger than yourself. If that is not the perfect allegory for 2019, I don’t know what is.

High Flying Bird

Tarell Alvin McCraney’s screenplay for High Flying Bird is deep, funny and thought-provoking. That said, it was greatly elevated by performances from the tragically underappreciated André Holland, and rising star Zazie Beetz. Set during an NBA lockout, Holland’s sports agent, Ray Burke, begins the film by discovering that all of his company credit cards have been frozen, and that his job hangs perilously in the balance due to a situation over which he seemingly has no control. Watching Holland navigate the NBA brass, his player clients and the media with a demure and suaveness typically only reserved for the DiCaprios or Pitts of the world is not only refreshing, but necessary. Beetz lends heart and charasma to the film, playing Burke’s assistant, Sam. Beetz’s character motivations are clear yet ever-evolving. She gets to be complex, smart and just cool. It is also really interesting to see a movie lend voice to the idea that if professional athletes ever just decided to unite and refuse to play by the rules of the NBA or the NFL, those in power who profit from their labor would become nearly powerless. It’s a pretty cool premise and frankly, you love to see it.

Parasite

I only recently saw Parasite, but I now understand what all the hype is about. It is difficult to know for sure what director Bong Joon-ho, and his writing partner Han Jin-won who helped Bong pen the screenplay, meant for the audience to take away from this film. Now, I do not want to spoil it for those who may not have seen it. In many ways, Parasite is the long lost sibling of Us. Both movies are tales of the upstairs/downstairs nature of class division. While Peele examines America, Bong gives American audiences a glimpse into the haves and have-nots of a Korean city, and its literal highs and lows. While the Parks are an affluent family who live in their own city which is at the top of an actual hill, the poverty-stricken Kims, meanwhile, live in a literal subterranean basement. This makes the Kims’ quest to improve their lot in life a true social climb. Also present in Parasite is the inescapable reality of climate change, along with the stark contrast on how its effects on the rich are inherently disparate to those on the poor.

Now for the movie grab bag…

These are films that I think capture something of the spirit of 2019, but in a manner explicable in a few sentences or less. They are:

-Glass: So much promise…so little pay off. I mean, apparently one of the heroes’ kryptonite is puddles…

-Ready or Not: Who among us would not hunt down wealthy, would-be murders in a wedding gown that is sleek, yet allows for a shocking amount of mobility?

-Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood and The Irishmen: I was surprised by how “whelmed” I was by these films. Perhaps they warrant a rewatch, because I truly love Tarantino’s work and I grew up idolizing Scorsese. To me, these are quintessential dad films. That’s not a knock on dads or dad films, it’s just not where I am right now…

-Marriage Story: Loved it. I’ll simply say this – For your consideration: Adam Driver and Laura Dern.

-Joker: This movie was a pastiche of 70s and 80s era Scorsese films, which took itself far too seriously for me to give it any serious consideration. Was this movie unflinchingly a product of 2019? Yes. It thrived on the buzz, provided by the dual weapons of entertainment writers and social media. The whole origin story of a white terrorist thing was cute. Was Joaquin Phoenix’s performance good? Sure, it really was. However, I liked the character better when he played it in The Master, or Her…I think you get what I’m going for here.

Next up, television! I think this might be my favorite category. Be on the lookout for part two. Check out LT Has a Blog. Yeah, I know, but I wanted the name to be a statement of fact. ‘Til next time!

#LTHasaBlog ThePopCultureEssenceof2019 firstpostforrealthistime

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canecainkane · 5 years

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Christmas Wedding Planner (2017): first 80 minutes

Okay so listen, I truly cannot cover this whole movie in one review, so I divided it up according to ridiculousness: the first 80 minutes versus the last 5 minutes, which made me shout at my TV more than any other three movies so far this holiday season.

Netflix Description: “A wedding planner's world is turned upside down when a handsome private investigator is hired to disrupt one of her biggest jobs.”

This description? Chock full o’ lies. Let me rewrite this for honesty:

“An apparently unemployed woman who wants to become a wedding planner's world is turned upside down when a ridiculously handsome private investigator is hired to investigate someone, which may disrupt one of her biggest jobs literally the only job she’s ever had as a wedding planner (which she’s doing pretty badly).”

RATING:

Candy Canes: w/out last five minutes: 4 out of 5; with last five minutes: 2

Confession: Despite the slew of online reviews calling this the worst Christmas movie ever made, the first 80 minutes almost fooled me. Was it silly, contrived, emotionally manipulative and predictable? Um, that’s what we mean when we say Christmas movie. But until the last five minutes clonked me over the head with a cast iron skillet of stupidity, I didn’t notice how much worse than average it was. I’m a simple woman and I was distracted by the bright, shiny production values, the weird/wonderful costumes and how goddamn glossy everyone’s perfect, perfect hair was.

Dean Cains: with hottie goggles on: 4 out of 5; goggles removed: 2

Let the record show -- I’ve been watching these movies for 25 years, and this is the first one I’ve ever seen with a male lead whom I find even remotely attractive. Slash actually kind of straight-up bangable? Is he an average or better actor? I really can’t even be objective. And triple that for Jacqueline Hudon: I’ve got a weakness for big-eyed coltish redheads. It’s like a chemical reaction. But objectively, the acting was pretty embarrassing ... especially Jocelyn Hudon who moves as compulsively as a hummingbird--twitching, simpering, fidgeting, so awkward and self-affected she’s always, like, a quarter-second away from staring directly at the camera. Whatever. I’ll still watch every Christmas movie she ever makes.

Citizen Kanes: 0 out of 5

The movie is called Christmas Wedding Planner. It was based on a Harlequin novel, and produced, mysteriously, by a company called “Brain Power Productions.” The prosecution rests, your honor.

TOTAL: 8! As long as you fall asleep five minutes before the end, and you happen to perfectly share my passion for Emma Stone-ish women & dudes who look like sexy, stubbly non-custodial parents.

Otherwise, 4. But at least it’s not a boring 4 -- it earns that 4 by being truly, magnificently terrible.

WTF Moments:

*A two-fer with these screenshots: they tell you everything you need to know about the plot AND about Jocelyn Hudon’s aggressive facial mugging.

Actually, a three-fer: yes, that’s just a straight-up gift-wrapping ribbon tied around her neck for some reason, and no, that’s not the only ... ruffled tea saucer (??????) that’s perched precariously on Kelly Rutherford’s head throughout this movie.

*Seriously, look at this bullshit they stapled to her gloriously glossy mane:

Sorry, babe, but until you evict that garbage crab from your scalp, you don’t get to judge other people’s decisions. (I mean, goddamn, costume department.That is Ms. Lily van der Woodson whose head you are besmirching. How DARE you?)

*My husband and I were trying to solve the mystery of Hallmark’s Charisma-Defying Troupe of Chinless Wonders and my husband put forth the theory: the men aren’t meant to be aspirational. They’re supposed to be exactly handsome enough that the potato-chip chomping, yoga-pants clad Christmas movie binge-ing viewer (self included, obvs) would say: “Yeah, y’know, realistically? I could get with that guy.”

He’s an insightful man. No idea how Stephen Huszan managed to slip through the rigorous hot-but-not-too-hot inspection, but I’m not complaining.

*Also, I just realized why I was immune to the sheer obnoxiousness of Jocelyn Hudon’s acting: I was inoculated from watching Karen Gillan’s almost identical performance in “Selfie.” I simultaneously love that show and die cringe death from the grating over-stylization.

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*Of course, no movie would be completely without a cast of intriguing and pivotal side characters! Look at these five quirky characters who are in multiple scenes each! Each bridesmaid has her own distinct personality trait! The hilariously anal-retentive baker! A struggling restaurateur!

Okay now FORGET ABOUT THEM FUCKING IMMEDIATELY, because that’s what the movie does. Seriously, not one of these people has a storyline that comes back. Not even the restaurateur, who is the PI’s best friend / business partner and the caterer of the title wedding. NONE of the characters (including the bride!) has a storyline that goes beyond aiding & abetting the main characters’ love story. The closest we get to a B plot is persnickety baker using Eureka lemons in his cake (the fool!).

These characters have such meager internal lives that even the bride -- the person who gets the third-most screen time -- wanders around in a luded haze, totally ignoring her own (terribly unplanned) wedding so she can chummily grill her bff/cousin/wedding planner about her hot hook-up with said bride’s ex. Which, like, I barely even liked most of my exes while I was dating them, but if a friend of mine hooked up with one of my exes at my engagement party, I would 100% give their full contact information to every Republican candidate newsletter I could dig up.

*But forget the hottie ex-snatching -- bride should be scratching Kelsey’s eyes out for how badly she’s fucking up this wedding. If four days before my wedding, the wedding planner was STARTING to make her “vision board,” I’d be on Kayak booking tickets to Vegas. Drive-thru Elvis > $$$$$ wedding planned by a woman who apparently hasn’t even heard of Pinterest.

The timeline on the planning for this -- I cannot stress enough -- super elegant high society wedding:

8 days before: Throw an engagement party for the bride and groom; talk New York Times writer into covering the wedding and sell them photo rights without a contract

7 days before: Choose the wedding dress; caterer cancels but don’t book a new one -- it’ll probably work itself out; discover the bachelorette party has to be fully re-planned

6 days before: Teach the bride to bake so she can sweatshop up gingerbread wedding favors for 200+ guests; book a new caterer who has never done a wedding before but reassures you that: “yeah,” he “can probably do that”

5 days before: The groom’s parents throw a ... pre-wedding party for all the same guests who were at the engagement party and who will be at the wedding? (Sssshh, don’t think too hard about it.) Show up late and make out with the bride’s ex.

4 days before: Create a vision board for the wedding decor.

3 days before: Eh, the wedding’s pretty much in shape. Spend the day in a white van with binoculars, spying on the groom.

2 days before: Mope on your couch.

1 day before: Whatever.

Day of: Wear your non-matching bridesmaid dress, run a few errands while everyone is already at the church, then drop a truth-bomb that nukes the wedding! Wooooo!

Career self-sabotage, thy name is Kelsey Whatever.

*Though I have to give snaps -- the day-long stakeout was ridiculous, but I was glad that Kelsey and the PI (Hunter? Duncan? Vin? Honestly, he may be hot, but he still tumbled out of the same Cosmic Gumball Machine of Interchangeable Men as the rest of these Xmas hunks) actually spent time together. So often, these couples spill coffee on each other, then meet again in a tree lot, then talk about their dead parents during a snowball fight and it’s LOVE FOREVER after forty non-consecutive minutes together. So I appreciated that they spent a full day together and we could actually see them vibing.

“A Christmas movie couple that actually spends time together!” I thought. “A couple who gets to know each other instead of just ninja-kicking into an ill-conceived relationship!”

Haaaaaaaa.

*I grabbed this picture of random street musicians because I thought, in my first-80-minutes innocence that this was going to be the most ridiculously extra moment all movie.

But, you know, cheesy Christmas movies are like the days we live: Each one is kind of special but, let’s be honest, mostly similar to what came before. We won’t remember the vast majority of them. They’re filled with mediocre men and cool women. And you never know, going into one, whether it might unexpectedly prove to be the best or worst of your year, or even of your life.

#christmas wedding planner #netflix #netflix christmas movie #bad christmas movies #movie recaps

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