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#ig not so i dont feel like extra extra shiy
pinkcabinetdoor · 11 months
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3:04am
trip went great. loved it better than i expected fuck my anxiety nothing went wrong, infact, it was quite sumn that i needed to cleanse my mind .
got on a train at 730 reached destination at 11, checked into our hotel blah blah ass hotel btw but aight we pulled thru. roamed around the streets for like a good while till 3am, ate random shii, saw black out drunk mfs lose their minds (also realised night life and the crowds are not for me i started panicking when i saw the crowd lmao). r and a were there w me so it was aight we walked a lot just around the hotel it was cute.
passed out at 5am talking bs, lil too tired to function and what not but it was okay. day 2 woke up at 10, got brunch at pricey place idt they liked it v much but i found it cute and i felt v bad bc idk idt they were okay w spending that much money on food but i was so excited and i just fuck it we balled and then never brought up food places again so i dont make them feel shit about spending sm again L, decided aight main day we go to commercial streets for street shopping and oml v cute pricey as fuck of a place tho but still cute. got earrings that was it lol wanted to get books but didn't L issalright. r got a lotta shii lmao posters and stuff too idk 13/10 cute day cant remember the rest
day 3 r went to meet her friends, a and i just chilling in the room trying to come up w plans and shii went down, tried vape made out, passed out w panick attack for solid 15mins and then calmed down got lunch at this pub, decided fuck it lets try vodka HATED IT oml cough syrup tasting ass mf L not cute v cute lunch date tho 13/10 brain chemistry altered w a that day. met r and her friends at cute cafe bakery thing loved her friends, met a's brother also v cute person v hyperactive, went home beefed w the hotel mfs bc aight our fault we overstayed and forgot to tell them about it but aight settled 4.5k extra but yes anyways.
trip back oml ass train disgusting fr died omw here hated it L. r had a meltdown on the train bc obvi me and a were tad bit too close and bro prolly hated it bc idk felt left out valid tho and we got paranoid bc okay her radar went off saying hm sumn prolly happened bw them. L bad shii started kicking in again i hated it from the minute she started crying lol.
and then came the worst days. needed to tell r about it. kept it for a whole day bc i got really sick. 2 days later i tell her and um yes bad bad reaction. silent treatment. she stopped talking to me. us actually. but hm for some reason did not try anything this time i just accepted it and decided to move on bc fuck it we ball.
and now it hits me that damn i dont think i like whats happening and im sad and i feel lonely and hated but i refuse to come in terms with it bc if i do i might start fighting back and all she asked me was for space and im giving it im okay im keeping myself busy with a lotta things decided to drowning myself in books once again doing all that to stay alive and yet i feel so confused and lost bc i dont think i deserve this. if you want me to leave this man alone, tell me i will do it for you in a heartbeat ive never prioritized a man before a woman at any point of my life so im okay w it. and all i did was kiss a man you had no interest in and yet you treat me like it was your ex or someone you loved i dont know how to go ahead with it. she also told other friends that she wasnt a fan of the trip and it felt so one sided and i felt guilty bc wow did i really do that or what happened.
and classes are lonely too, yet to talk or socialize with anyone which also kinda hurts bc ihate being alone in the academic buildings but oh well hanging in there ig
but yes trip was cute i refuse to let anything make it look like a bad memory i enjoyed and ill forever hold it as a core memory.
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