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theaustinrockwell · 1 year

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What to Do When You are Not Chosen

Smart. Talented. Patient. Kind. Strong. Unique. Funny. Handsome. These are words that have been used to describe me. And yet, I have been alone for most of my adult life. And I do not understand why.

10 years ago, after a stretch of teenage loneliness spanning middle and high school, I realized I was the common denominator in all of my relationship problems. So, despite my therapist's proposed solution of simply "loving" myself, I set out to improve. I saw that I looked too unkempt and had a bad clothing style, so I worked on that. I was not able to carry on a conversation without awkward stoppage points and non sequiturs that nobody asked for, so I worked on that. My persona use to be "extremely nice with just enough awkward, abrasive comments to get me excluded from parties," but I have evolved it into a charismatic presence that now garners the label, "You're a people person."

People regularly compliment my looks to my face. Men and women comment on my wardrobe. I am now independent, clean (both my apartment and my physical body), and ambitious. I am everything people have asked me to be (and even the things Psychology Today and publications on NIMH.gov say that people are afraid to ask for), and yet I am alone.

When I say alone, I mean that I have friends, but no intimate relationships. I have attempted to date and people have shown interest in me, but I have never had a legitimate relationship, now at 27 years old. There seems to be an invisible wall between me and others. People talk about how much they love me, how nice I am, how they have never met anybody like me (I'm not kidding--especially when they're drunk or high and in their feelings). And yet when I want to explore dating or intimacy with them, they push me away. I am "loved" but I am never chosen.

This failure to be chosen is across the board. It doesn't matter what type of girl it is. It happens with quiet girls and loud, brash girls. It happens when I say too much and am too forward or when I say too little and am quietly stoic or mysterious. It happens with girls who I think are the coolest people I've ever met that make me want to reach inside their brain and understand how they see the universe. And it happens with girls who I have no interest in, who then show interest in me, and I say, "Well, I'll give it a shot," then they end up pushing me away anyway. It happens with girls I "put on a pedestal" and girls I don't care to date. It happens whether I text her too much or too little or too soon after a date or I ask her too many questions or too little. It's a kind of Goldilocks paradox that makes me wonder if something is wrong with me. It feels like there is a thorn in my soul, and everybody sees it once they get too close.

There is a checklist of things I've seen for men to ponder when they are having difficulty in relationships. For the sake of a starting point, I'll answer them about myself.

Do you shower? Yes, once per day, or 2-3 times if I hit the MMA gym and the regular gym.

Do you have a good haircut? Yes, I shave my head smooth every day and have a "great beard" that people in person and on dating apps have gushed over.

Do you have a good job? Yes, and my job helps people every day. I am also an entrepreneur on the side.

Did you go to college? Yes, and I'm preparing for grad school.

Do you have hobbies? I am an accomplished artist and a talented musician in a few instruments.

Are you fun to talk to? I've been told I'm pretty clever and funny. I also love to talk about science and philosophy in an approachable way for everyday people. Though when somebody obviously isn't in an inquisitive, science mood, I can still bring the charisma.

Are you ambitious? Yes, I want to be at the top of my field, and I spend hours a day learning and improving. I don't accept mediocrity from myself.

Are you honest and loyal? Yes, I favor truth above virtually anything, and I think cheating is weak as fuck. I don't want my partner to have to worry about my motives or if I care about them.

Would your partner feel safe around you? Yes, I use my words and I introspect so that I can be kind towards my partner and others. I also practice martial arts so that I can deescalate situations that threaten my partner and me.

Do you have an apartment and a car? Yup.

Do you have good date ideas? Ladies love getting picked up on the motorcycle. Picnics, hikes, and board game bars are great venues to ride the bike to.

There isn't anything in the above answers that would land me in "unattractive" territory. It's not like I'm complaining about being pushed away yet I'm an abrasive asshole who doesn't shower. Nor do I live in at my parents as a failing Overwatch streamer or some bullshit. I check a lot of boxes that people claim to want and more boxes than the average man is willing to.

There are two big pieces of evidence that I have not brought up though. Though, I'm not sure they are my issue. Hear me out: I am trans (born female) and I am 5'6". "Well, THERE is your problem. Duh, you fucking idiot," you say. The problem with this conclusion is that the women who pushed me away had dated guys in my position before. They had dated or had sex with guys my height. Many of them were bisexual and had dated men, women, and trans or non-binary people. And most importantly, of all the women who rejected me, only one of them knew that I was trans. "Maybe you look too female?" is your next question. Not really. Friends say I look like a mini Kratos (shaved head and bearded), and most people that I come out to thinking I'm joking. "Okay, maybe you're ugly," you say. I thought so too, since people refuse to date me (What other conclusion could I possibly come to?) but a lot of people have stated, unprompted, how handsome I am, even customers at old jobs. With that being said, there is no definite thing to point to about me that explains why these people rejected me since they accepted those characteristics in others previously. This leaves me to wonder what is wrong with me?

It makes sense that, despite having some less desirable characteristics, if I worked relentlessly on the rest of me surely I'd have an equal chance at dating people. Maybe a tall guy who plays guitar can date a girl of decent caliber, sure. Okay, I'm not as big of a guy as him, so maybe if I play guitar and piano and can paint and build software and sing and am kind and attentive and honest, then I can also date a woman in that league? Maybe someone will wonder about me and want to get to know me? Maybe becoming a better version of myself every day will draw people to me? But that has not happened. Everybody's invisible walls are still up. I am still alone.

This blog is about my journey to not being alone. I have ingested so many science podcasts and psychology publications trying to figure out why people push me away that it makes me sick. I'm tired of reading and reading and reading and thinking myself in circles. There is something to be improved here, but it's clearly not a lack of hobbies or friends or self awareness or anything like that. I'm not going to find out what it is unless I keep trying things in the real world. Now, I'm only going to write and try to improve.

If you're struggling to empathize with what it's like to be in this position, imagine this: you're sitting at a dinner table and you're given a plate of your favorite foods. You haven't eaten since yesterday. You put a forkful of food in your mouth and you start chewing. You chew and chew and chew. Then just when you're about to swallow it, you are required to spit the food out. "Okay, that's unfortunate and weird," you say. So you put more food in your mouth. You chew it and can smell and taste all the flavors of your favorite food. Then just when you're about to swallow, somebody makes you spit it out. You put more food in your mouth. You try to carefully chew it the "right away" (whatever that is) and are not sure why everybody else is able to eat so easily. Derek eats just fine and he chews with his mouth open. Why do you have to go hungry? Doesn't matter. Don't worry about Derek. Spit out your food.

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atsunflower · 4 years

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Rated: SFW

Author notes: fucking finally, I'd say. Sorry it took me so long to post it after I decided to revamp this series. Here goes my belated 300 special med student!Kuroo. Please note that this is written based on the med school model we have here, in wich we get the MD degree right away, without the pre-med division they have in USA.

PS: DAI¹ stands for diffuse axonal injury, a type of brain damage caused by violent shakes (acceleration/deceleration/shaken baby syndrome) of the head. No worries, banging your head against a hard surface isn't supposed to give you it. If you get confused by any medical terms, pls hmu!!

Warnings: me trying to be funny. Cursing (reader swears like a sailor here).

I – Lehninger principles of biochemistry

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Your head was throbbing. The professor's voice dragging through your ears made the discomfort you felt even bigger.

The first class of the day have barely started and you were already regretting leaving your bed.

You let out a shuddering breath while your fingers found their way to your temples. You massaged the area, trying to ease the headache.

"You look like shit" the voice came from your right. Shirabu gave you a sideways glance before going back to his notes. "Let me guess, your neighbor again?"

"Yeah, the bastard was up all the night. I still can hear his bed pounding into the wall and the girl trying to muffle her voice" You groaned.

"Ew. Gross" The blonde's face contorted in a grimace "Am I the only one weirded by the fact you never saw the guy?" He asked frowning.

"Hell, no. But I don't think I wanna meet him anytime soon." Your reply was earn; you wouldn't know how to react if you ever saw the said man. "Besides, the guy has this strange schedule. He leaves early in the morning and comes back late at night, it's kinda weird"

"Weird is the way you know him so well and never saw him before" You ignored your him and turned your attention back to the professor. Twenty minutes into the lecture, the door was open and a raven hair peaked from it, sitting on the desk available in the front row.

You mood automatically got worse just by the sight.

"You're staring" Shirabu's uninterested voice ringed in your ears again "Why don't you admit you have a thing for him already? It would make our lives a thousand times easier"

"I just dislike him. I can't stand that dumbass" You retorted grimacing while scribbling down in your notebook. God, you hated biochemistry.

"Yeah, keep repeating that and someday you'll believe it."

"Why you all keep saying it?" You winced at the high pitch of your whisper "The guy ain't special. He is an asshole, honestly"

"Deep down you only say it because he told you were 'just okay' in our first week of freshmen year" The male gave you a pointed look. "I know it's you just being petty, but it's pretty obvious you have a crush on him"

"Hell no, I'd rather have the whole Lehninger shoved down my throat" Your classmate scoffed by your side, resuming to his notes.

"By the looks Haruno-sensei is sending in our direction, it's going to happen anytime soon."

"For this term, you'll send me an essay about peptides with especial focus on physiologically active ones and their major role on human organism." The professor said, sending a stern glare though the class. "Pay attention to the next slide. It contains a table with the pairs I've assigned for this paper"

What the hecking heck?

Your mind went blank but you still heard Shirabu snickering by your peripheral. For such a stoic man, he was pretty out of character today. That little shit.

"Beware the addressed pairs won't be changed in any circumstances. Don't even bother to try" The woman said as she addressed the whole class a cold glare. Goddammit med school and its goddam professors. "You now can discuss this paper. Remember this essay is worth half the grade"

"Fuck" you cursed as your forehead banged onto the thick textbook.

"Whoa, be careful" The teasing voice made you painfully groan "We don't want this pretty brain of yours getting a DAI¹ before we start this paper"

"It's too early in the morning to deal with you, Kuroo" Your retorted came muffled as you pressed your face even flatter into the book.

"It's too early in the morning for you be ranting about everything but you don't hear me complaining, kitten" He jabbed at you, laughing it off as mere teasing "Is it fine if we start the paper on this weekend? I gotta volley practice the whole week."

"Sure. Wanna meet up on the public library?" You asked gathering your things, as you turned to Shirabu and saw him cocking an eyebrow at you.

"Fine by me" The male scratched the back of his neck, giving you an awkward glance "Actually, I wanted to ask you phone number" You stiffened "Aw [Surname]-chan, C'mon! You know it's easier."

"But what for? You already have my institutional email"

"You're too formal for your own good, woman" He handed you his phone, nudging the device into your palms "Where do you think this strict act is going to take you?"

You rolled your eyes at him again.

"Actually, Kuroo-san" You made a pause, voicing the words with candour "I want chaos and world domination. But in order to do it, I need to overthrow the dean first" You said while punching the numbers onto the chapped screen of his phone. The ravenette snorted at your reply.

"Oh shit, you're so weird!" And he left out a hyena laugh.

"Way to impress a girl, huh"

"Only the ones I'm trynna woo" The male smirked when he saw your dumbfounded face.

"Huh? Big words coming from a nerd" You brushed off his provocation. You knew he didn't mean it, but you couldn't prevent your heart to skip a beat.

"Oi, [Name]! What do you mean?"

Surprisingly, the week went smoothly. No Kuroo incidents nor professors bitching over the struggling students.

It was saturday and you were more than ready to spend a whole day inside the library with the ravenette.

Sarcasm? Check.

It wasn't like you hated him. If you were to be honest, it was the other way around — but you would never give Shirabu the taste of being right.

Kuroo just had a special way of getting under your skin. He knew what buttons to push and how to make feel flustered.

You were indeed whipped for him in your first year, but he was an asshole back then — It was kinda comprehensible though: being new to the infamous uni life, freshmen were always seeking acceptance from other people.

Kouhai trying to impress their senpai.

Jocks trying to make a number on the female population.

You trying to grab the attention of that hot guy from welcome ceremony — yes, the one who ended to be the bane of your campus existence.

Yada yada.

But when Kuroo turned you down — without you confessing first, you may add —, your pride was incredibly hurt. You then declared war. Best way to rile up a med student? Make your grades better than theirs.

But of fucking course Kuroo wasn't your regular med student. The competition only provoked meaningless banter — and it annoyed you even more because you couldn't get into his nerves the same way he did to you.

"Oi, [Surname]! You good there?"

"Yeah, yeah, get back to the damn peptides" You definitely despised biochemistry.

You rummaged through the books sprawled over the desk, searching for your Lehninger copy.

"Where the fuck that huge ass book went to?" You murmured, getting ready to go check on your backpack.

Glancing towards your classmate's direction, you spotted it under one of the textbooks he was using, but before you could reach for it, you felt hands gingerly wrapping around your chin, making your eyes lock into his stare.

"What are you doing?" You knew the warmth in your cheeks wasn't being provided by his body temperature.

"Conducting an experiment" He said as you melted under his attentive stare.

"Huh?"

"You know, they say exchanging looks causes an increase on Oxytocin synthesis in hypothalamus" The male smirked when a vein popped on your head, your brain recalled that science paper about the physiology on human and dog interactions. You wanted chaos and world domination — but in order to make it, you had to kill Kuroo first.

"Are you fucking calling me a dog?" You squinted at him, ready to fight. He laughed as your slapped his hands off of your face.

"Oh, come on, it was just a joke. You know the hormone of love doesn't work this way." His hyena laugh made presence as the bibliothecary gave you two a dejected stare.

Just a joke, huh?

For a med student, Kuroo Tetsuro would make a shitty doctor if he didn't know how bad his smile was for your heart.

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