#if we stayed in florida (which . no thanks regardless) my parents would want me to visit A Lot More

[words-of-a-venus]

When your name is read, said, or written, a lot of different emotions flutter around below my ribcage. Rather, I suppose, there are placeholders for those emotions. Bookmarks. I used to look at you and feel everything on the emotional spectrum: all-consuming love, hope, confusion, anger, sadness, resentment. Those feelings are already so foreign and far away to me. I think it's the manner in which you left me. Why shouldn't I disconnect my emotions from someone who found it so easy to leave me? It doesn't matter; right now, I'm being told to write about the anger. Thanks, Sara.

We started off in an absolute whirlwind, our love tinted by rose-colored glasses and peachy Florida sunsets. Like fire and gasoline there was an instant, momentous connection. You waxed eloquent to me, and you did it so effortlessly. You assured me that our love was forever, holding my face in your hands just as gently as you promised you'd hold my heart. From the moment I saw you, it felt as if I'd known you forever. I knew I'd want to spend the rest of my life trying to figure you out. That is, until you stopped wanting to know me.

I could see the fear building inside of you before we even left for Louisiana. To be honest, you probably should have broken up with me when you said you were going to. It was the day I'd gone to Disney with my best friends. I know that's when you really, really wanted to. Even with your reassurance, I could hear the hesitation underneath your words, hushed like a child that should remain silent. We had our going away party and while everyone celebrated and enjoyed the night, lighting joints and sipping caipirinhas, I knew you far too well not to notice the screaming that you'd stifled inside your head. I could hear it, silently and telepathically, from a mile way.

You were terrified to the core, and moving away was the last thing you wanted to do. The only feeling that measured up was your fear of losing me. Maybe I should've said something, pressed you more. But time and time again, you convinced me that - against all odds - you wanted to make it work. I think, instead, you were actually trying to convince yourself. Regardless, it doesn't matter how much you "want" to do something when "want" is just a word for you. It didn't hold any weight, any action, any movement. It wasn't a verb. It was a cold, lifeless word.

I knew on the drive up here that we weren't going to make it, though I pushed that thought as far down as I could. It was a nagging, shrill voice hiding in the back of my skull. You were trite and lifeless the entire journey. You didn't attempt to have fun, or make the most our trip. It was a long, tiring drive. I had a restless cat in my backseat and had never left home before (that is, for any distance farther than two hours from my parents). Still, I was prepared to laugh and smile through any obstacle because you were at my side. I wanted to soak in every second of a new adventure together. It was an adventure that I knew would take place somewhere we wouldn't be in forever, but I was ready to do it with you. You, on the other hand, were as cold as ice our entire stay at the AirBNB. You barely spoke to me, and the air felt heavy and stiff. I moved through it like molasses, my words catching in the air. I felt as if I'd walked into the life of a man I didn't know.

We lived together for only seven months after that. I know that I had pushed you away in some forms. I love hard - selflessly, deeply, and with all of my being - almost to a fault; sometimes that means I feel every other emotion at no less than 100%. For that I am sorry - I know that being with someone who is constantly and consistently at a ten, regardless of where on the spectrum, must be tiring at times. But I never pushed you away from a lack of loving you. All I ever wanted was a partner that was willing to work through any and every obstacle. Even then, it seemed that with every challenge we faced, you only pushed me further and further from you. You say you tried, but I rarely saw it. I never felt it. Inside me lived this gnawing, miserable feeling that you lived with one foot out the door. And I guess, emotionally, you always were.

Despite my - far apart, yet regular - emotional breakdowns, I tried to do and be everything for you. You're lonely? I'll find you some friends, invite you to parties and work events so you can mingle and connect. You won't plan dates for us, or put any effort into trying to enjoy the town we'd moved to? I'll find fun activities and events. I'll plan nights around things that I know make you truly happy. I'll shower you with words of adoration, praise, and all of my affection. I'll leave sweet little notes around the house for you to find. I'll make you your favorite comfort foods. I'll surprise you with snacks. I'll find fun games that can bring us closer together and help our bond to grow stronger. I'll even suggest that if you're homesick, you go home a month or so at a time until our lease ends, just so you can be around the people that you need. I even went so far as to promise you that we would go home together after our brief stint here; I was prepared to completely shift my career goalpost, all in the effort to make you happy. I'd have done anything to make it through. But it wasn't enough. To you, one of my downfalls was that I didn't always dust. I left one too many dishes in the sink. My bad.

Anger is an emotion I'm familiar with, but am disconnected from now. She's a family member that I know exists, but she doesn't play a role in my life anymore. Still, I know what she looks like, and what she hated:

All you ever did was whine and complain, focusing on impending and inevitable dread. No moment held sunshine, and if it did, you couldn't bask in it. It peaked out from behind the clouds, only to slip into hiding once more. Look at the black sky, focus on it. Rain is coming. Rain was always coming.

You were closed minded. I don't care what you say, or how much you try to convince me that you weren't. Disapproving of all abrahamic religions, denouncing that faith has any sort of benefit to anyone, is closed minded. Maybe you were wary of the paranormal towards the end, but I think maybe I'd rubbed off on you. I imagine you're set back in your ways.

You always had to be right, even about pettiest things. Everything you were correct about boosted your ego, like a fifth grader getting gold stars. If it couldn't be proven, seen, or quantified, you wanted no part of it. If someone disagreed, your phone was unsheathed from your pocket within a millisecond, ready to fact check something so insignificant. Do rings in trees actually signify their age? Do male octopi have one tentacle that is shorter than the others? It didn't matter the topic, you were going to find out. If the other person was wrong? Heh. You were right, you always knew it. If they were right? Well, let's move on.

You didn't pick up a single thing around the house, which I know now is a gripe you had with me. I'd come home to sinks full of dishes, an unmade bed, sweatshirts and shoes strewn about. You helped me only when you saw me start a task, as if you were coming to the rescue, making my life so much easier. Here's a hard truth: men aren't making your lives easier, unless they were first making it harder.

You were always late. Both times to the airport, you were late by at least an hour. Leaving the house for events, wanting to go somewhere. Late. I think the incidents with the airport infuriated me the most, though I brushed it off at the time because y'know what? I loved you, and when you love someone you pick your battles. It's what you do. But after hours of being in a cramped plane with strangers, the last thing you want to do is stick around a cramped airport with more strangers.

Everything was a chore for you, even the fun things. Headaches, stomach aches, sore feet, sore everything. Nothing could happen without some sort of gripe. The weather, how long the days were (that you didn't plan, especially not toward the end). Why couldn't you just bask in the happiness I tried to share with you? Why was that too much to ask?

Physical intimacy was a mess.

To be honest, I'm glad you're gone. The growth and progress I've made without you could never have been achieved with you by my side. Your aura, your very being, began to ooze a negativity that was black and palpable. Your version of homeostasis was miserable - it almost made me feel guilty if I didn't live my life in as much misery as you. As if my joy was salt in your wound. Fuck that. I have a lot to work on, and a lot of the life that I live within my head has yet to line up with the moral character I exude, but I'm getting there. Slowly. I'm learning. I know without a doubt that my life will - to the best of my ability; I am only human, after all - be lived with light and love first. I am a being of hope, and I find joy in the smallest of things now. Unapologetically, I've begun to embrace childlike wonder again. No one can take that from me. Especially not you.

I don't hate you. I hate the way you gave up on me. Your hallmark, or so you claimed, was open and honest communication. You never truly gave me that. I begged you to let me in; I tried to dig to your core for months. All I ever wanted was to break past the dam that you had built around yourself. I didn't care that I'd drown in the floods, I wanted that. I wanted for you to fall into me and say, "look, here I am. vulnerable, with all of my mess. here you are with yours. let's grow and clean them up, together". Despite it all, you were a rose I was prepared to bleed for. I'd have moved mountains for you. I'd have gathered all of the stars and made them into crowns and glittering jewelry if you'd asked me to. If you had shown any indication that you were ready to work together, I'd have poured my heart out to you. Instead, you walked out on me. You did it with ease, and never looked back.

Fuck you for taking the dog.

2/9/23.

[bbeelzemon]

there's really something to mourn about the fact that i can't, like, follow the same dating rituals wrt my family that all my straight brothers could. letting your partner meet your parents, your parents showing interest in your relationship, or being unapologetically supportive of it without any hesitation... like, my mom cries if she thinks about it too much, because she thinks im going to Not Go To Heaven (read: go to hell) because im gay. like. thanks

#literally even if net lived literally next door we still couldnt do these things the same way my brothers could #because the whole time my parents will be hung up on 'oh but its Gay' and everything #honestly its probably kind of a good thing I'll be moving so far away from my parents to be with them #if we stayed in florida (which . no thanks regardless) my parents would want me to visit A Lot More #while likely simultaneously being Weird about it every single time... #at least this way i can limit it to just a couple times a year lol #dhsjfhs god my mom mentioned the other day 'but you'll still come back for christmas and thanksgiving and holidays right?' #and like. i was caught off guard because that was genuinely not on my radar in the slightest LOL #like.. id.. rather.. spend christmas with net and my friends? or nets family if thats a thing we'll do? #holidays are such a non-event at my house it seems pointless to show up for 20 minutes of gifts and a breakfast for dinner #and even if net could come with me. like.. like i said in the post my parents are just gonna be weird the whole time! #we'd probably have to get a hotel instead of staying here. and then at that point it just becomes a regular florida vacation and i wont wan #to stay with my parents the whole time LOL #anywaayyy. im definitely rambling if tumblr made me split up my thoughts over two sets of tags LOL #i just wish they could be more supportive yknow.. even if i know Oh They Always Love Me <3 it still feels so hollow #but this is my lot in life as an nb lesbian i guess dhsjfhsjf #i was gonna say 'at least they didnt kick me out over it' but actually my dad doesnt Know yet. he still might HFJSHFJS #isnt it fucked up that i genuinely cannot tell if my dad will kick me out / cut me off or not over something like that. #very very bad idea but a very small part of me is like 'fucking kick me out so i can go to washington Now i fucking dare you' LOL

[dameronsgalaxygal]

I’ve Been Waiting For You - Chapter 10: Angel Eyes

series masterlist

Pairing: modern!poe x reader

Word Count: 3003

Warnings: angst, mentions of death, language, implications of smut.

Song: Angel Eyes

A/N: Alright, ya’ll have been wanting to find out what Poe’s been hiding. Here it is. I’m pretty sure I overhyped it, but oh well. Next chapter will go into more detail, which means more angst. Taglist is open and comments and feedback would be lovely!

Summary: It’s your one year with Poe. Poe has a freakout, which freaks you out. 

“Would you have guessed that we would have made it a year?” Poe asked you honestly.

You and Poe were sitting outside a small cafe in downtown Miami on the early morning of your one year anniversary.

“Honesty? I wouldn’t have guessed I would even been in a relationship,” You chuckled softly.

You had officially been living in Florida for over a year, and you had spoken to your parents a total of four times: your birthday, their birthdays, and christmas. You hadn’t heard from Kyle at all, which was surprising. Well, except for one voicemail that you had received on a whim one afternoon a couple weeks ago that you still hadn’t opened. You were doing well, really well, and you weren’t going to allow one voicemail to ruin that for you.

Things with Poe were phenomenal, including the sex. At first you questioned why you waited so long, but you knew you made the right decision. With your past, you needed to be ready, and the first time you two slept together was truly a date you were going to remember. You had never felt so loved by anyone more than you felt that night. You were glad you waited until you were physically and emotionally ready, because if you had slept with him that night after the bar, you wouldn’t be in the position you were in now. Happy.

Poe smiled sympathetically, “I know I tell you this all the time, but I am so proud of you. I’m lucky to be your person. I am lucky to be your boyfriend,” He took a bite of his toast.

You sipped your lemonade as your cheeks turned a bright red and Poe chuckled.

“Blushing, are we?” He teased.

You shot him a look and he winked.

You continued to eat breakfast for a while until Poe spoke again, “So, since you wouldn’t let me plan anything, can you finally tell me what we’re doing today?”

You shook your head, “It’s a surprise.”

“Baby,” He groaned, throwing his head back, “Can I at least get a hint?”

“Nope,” You grinned mischievously.

You had decided to plan out the whole day for you and Poe, a change from the normalcy between you two. On most days, Poe was the one to organize the dates. Today, you decided to take charge. Mostly because there was a big event happening in Miami Beach that coincidentally landed on your one year and you felt like it would be a perfect way to celebrate.

You were taking Poe to the Miami Beach Air and Sea Show. It was perfect. Poe loved fighter jets, and you were very much aware of this. Since you started dating, you had seen Top Gun a total of 12 times, and he had even bought pre-sale tickets for the sequel (which doesn’t come out for another four months), you had noticed more books and antique fighter jets around his house and sometimes he would even talk to you about his knowledge on them. It was no secret he had an obsession with flying. What better way to spend your anniversary than watching him witness what he loves?

You finished up breakfast quickly, checking your phone for the time. You needed to be at least two hours early if you wanted to find parking and get a good spot before the show started. Poe paid the check, the one thing he did insist on doing for your anniversary, before you two headed toward the car.

“Keys.” You held your hand out for Poe to toss you his car keys.

“Can’t you just tell me where to drive?” He pouted.

“Well then what’s the fun in that? Keys.” You repeated, winking.

He rolled his eyes playfully before reaching into his pocket to grab his keys. He placed them in your hand and you pecked his lips before getting in and driving towards the show.

As you started to approach, large billboards surrounded the area with arrows pointing to garages with bold letters that said ‘Event Parking’ and security guards led cars through to avoid any unnecessary traffic.

You pulled around a corner to get through to the parking garage when you noticed Poes face shift.

“Um,” He swallowed hard, “Where are we going?”

You glanced at him briefly and shot him a smile before continuing to drive, “The Miami Annual Air and Sea Show.”

“Oh.”

You frowned, “You aren’t excited?”

He looked at you, “No, no, no. I am. I am..”

“You don’t sound like it.”

He sighed, “I just wasn’t expecting it. How did you find it?”

You nodded, “Well I was looking into things to do for today and this popped up. I thought it would be fun given your obsession with Top Gun and all.”

“Right, yeah.” He smiled softly.

You furrowed your eyebrows at him in confusion but turned back to the road, finally finding a spot to park. His reaction was odd, you had expected him to be more excited. You managed to brush it off once he put a hand on your thigh and squeezed it.

Poe held you close to him as you walked down to the shore. His arm was wrapped tightly around your waist and he chewed his nails nervously, looking around as if he was looking out for something.

You looked up at him, frowning.

“Babe.”

“Hm?” He continued to look around.

“Babe, what’s going on with you?” You reached up to move his hand away from his lips.

“What? Nothing.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Baby,” He stopped walking, putting a hand on your cheek, “I’m fine. Just.. I’ve...I’ve never been here before. Lots of people. It’s intimidating.”

You chuckled, “Poe, there’s nothing to be intimidated by. It’s fun. Everyone sits on the shore and watches the ships and fighter jets do cool tricks and stuff. It’s a way to honor the special forces.”

“Trust me, I know,” He said almost too quietly, looking away.

“Huh?” You tried to meet his eyes.

“Nothing.” He smiled softly, “Come on.”

Okay. This was getting weird. Regardless, you headed to the shore.

You found a spot a bit further back on the sand but with still a good view of the ships and, of course, the sky where the planes would be flying. You laid down a blanket before sitting down.

Poe stayed standing, analyzing the view. He sighed.

“Poe? Are you sure you’re alright?”

He looked down at you before sitting next to you, “Yeah.”

You nodded, putting your head on his shoulder. Soon, a man came onto the loud speaker to thank everyone for joining the show and that it would be starting in approximately half an hour. You turned to Poe.

“Would you mind going to get some drinks? I’ll stay here and watch the stuff. Plus, I could use a little tan.” You smirked.

He chuckled, leaning in to kiss you softly, “Sure. Beer?”

“Margarita if they have them, please.”

“You got it.” He smiled, going to the small bar located on the boardwalk.

Poe sighed in relief as he turned away from you, walking up the dock. He made his way to the bar, waiting in line with his hands in pockets. He looked around as people walked by with food and drinks, talking about their excitement for the show. He took a breath.

“Well, well, well, if that isn’t Poe Dameron.”

Poe shot his head to look at where the familiar voice was coming from. A man and woman stood before him.

Poe clenched his jaw, “Zorii. Hux.” He greeted them.

“Didn’t think you’d come back here after what happened.” Zorii crossed her arms.

“Yeah, what, with how you basically cut everyone off… and with what you did. You’re ballsy, Dameron.” Hux smirked.

Poe swallowed hard, “My girlfriend brought me here. I didn’t know.”

Zorii nodded unsympathetically, “Ah, so you haven’t told her? Because if you did, I doubt she would bring you back here.”

He took a deep breath, his body completely tensing, “No. I haven’t told her.”

“Why not?” Hux asked.

“It’s none of her business.”

Hux chuckled, “I think I would like to know if my significant other was kicked out of the military.”

“Oh, for sure.” Zorii smirked at Hux then looked at Poe.

“It’s not that easy.” Poe stated.

“Really? All you have to say is ‘by the way, I don’t listen to orders very well, so I got kicked out of the service’.” Zorii said dramatically.

“Stop.” Poe begged.

“Oh, what are you going to do, go cry to mommy? Oh wait...” Hux made a fake pouty face.

Poe’s face turned bright red in anger, “Shut up.”

“Like I said, you are ballsy for letting her bring you here. I’m sure it brings back memories,” Hux sighed dramatically, looking around.

“Remember when you were that fucking cocky, you thought you could do whatever the hell you wanted, and you wound up…”

“Dishonorably discharged.” Hux finished Zoriis sentence, a wide smirk plastered on his face.

With that, Poe pushed past the two and rushed back to where you and him had been sitting. You were laying on the blanket, sunglasses on and arms behind your head.

“Y/N.”

You snapped up, “Fuck, Poe.”

You put your hand on your heart, “You startled me,” You looked at him, wondering where the alcohol was, “Where are the drinks?”

“I didn’t get them. We have to leave.” He said quickly, his breath picking up.

“What? Why? The show hasn’t even-”

“We need to leave.” He gritted his teeth, packing up the bag.

“Poe, what is going on?” You stood up in fear, watching as he bunched the blanket into a ball and handed it to you.

“I’ll explain when we get home. Just please, we have to go.”

You only stared at him for a second before nodding slowly. You had no clue what was happening, but you had never seen Poe freak out like this, so you followed him in hope that you would get some answers soon.

He dragged you to the car quickly, throwing things into the trunk before getting into the car, slamming the door. You jumped at the noise before getting in yourself. He quickly drove off in the direction of his place.

The car ride was silent and awkward. You were sad that your plan for your anniversary didn’t follow through. You thought Poe would enjoy it, from what you knew about his love for aviation and his favorite movie being Top Gun. However, Poe seemed really nervous, even scared, and you were worried, so you let it go. You wanted to know what was going on, though.

You finally got back to his place and he rushed inside, you following shortly behind him.

“Finn?” Poe called out as he walked in.

No response.

“I think he was going out with Rose today,” You said gently.

“Oh thank god.” Poe sighed in relief, heading to the cupboard and grabbing the bottle of vodka and a shot glass.

“Poe,” You put your purse down on the counter, “What the hell is going on?”

He poured himself a large glass before turning to you, “I’m sorry I freaked out like that.” He downed his drink.

“It’s okay,” You walked toward him carefully, “I just want to know what’s going on.”

You rubbed his arm as he took another shot and placed the glass on the counter. He sighed, putting his hands on your hips, squeezing them.

“Baby,” You searched for his eyes.

He took a deep breath, looking at you,  “Um…” He searched for what he wanted to say.

You squeezed his shoulder, letting him know it was okay to tell you.

“I haven’t been totally honest with you.” He admitted.

You gulped, “Okay..”

“My mom,” He started, “My mom didn’t die of cancer.”

You cocked your eyebrow.

“She, um, she died in battle.” He took a shaky breath.

“Battle?”

He nodded, “My mom was in the service. Air Force.”

You bit your lip, nodding.

“She died when I was eighteen. Her jet was shot down and she died when it hit land. It exploded and…” He stopped for a minute, looking up to collect his tears.

“She was dispersed immediately.”

Your heart broke for him. You knew he was close to his mom, his tattoo proved that. You understood why being physically in front of fighter jets would be rough for him, his mother died in one. You didn’t understand why he lied to you, but you rubbed it off. He needed to be comforted.

“I’m so sorry, Poe.” You whispered, looking down.

He sighed, “It’s okay. There’s just a difference between seeing fighter jets in movies and having action figures and seeing them in person. Brings me back to the day I found out.”

You gave him a sad smile, nodding. “I understand.”

You didn’t understand his exact situation, but you understood trauma. Bad memories brings you back to dark places, and it probably did the same for him.

“You could have just told me, you know.” You rubbed his arm again.

“I know.”

You sighed. He still seemed uneasy.

“Is that it?” You asked softly, genuinely wondering if there was anything else he wanted to tell you.

I was discharged from the Air Force for disobeying orders. I nearly killed a man and myself in the process. I cussed out my Colonel and slapped my roommate.

“Yeah, that’s it.” He smiled softly.

He wanted to tell you, he wanted to tell you so bad. But his issues didn’t matter. Yours were more important. He needed to take care of you. Make sure you are okay. Right?

“Okay.” You leaned up to kiss him softly.

He kissed you back gently.

“I’m sorry I ruined our anniversary,” He frowned.

You shook your head, “You didn’t. I still want to go out to dinner tonight, if that’s okay with you.”

He smiled and nodded, “I’d love to.”

“Great. We have reservations at six. Until then…?”

Poe smirked, leaning down to kiss your neck, “To the bedroom, madam?”

“Please.”

--

“Seriously, I don’t know why I waited so long.” You collapsed on his chest, catching your breath.

He laughed, stroking your hair, “Yes you do. You’re just saying that now because you’re realizing how good I am.”

You rolled your eyes playfully, swatting his arm.

“Ow!” He chuckled.

“Oh, you’re fine. What time is it?”

Poe reached over to grab his phone, checking the time.

“4:45.”

“Shit,” You popped up, “We have to get ready.”

“It does not take that long to get ready.” He crossed his arms.

“For you! I have to go home and change and do my hair and makeup. I wasn’t expecting to fuck all day, I actually had plans.” You got up, grabbing your clothes and throwing them on quickly.

He smirked, “What, these aren’t good plans?”

You shot him a look and he winked.

“I’m going to go home and shower and then I’ll come back over and we can go. I’ll be back soon, okay?” You started for the door.

“Okay. I love you!”

“Love you!” You yelled as you left.

Poe sighed happily, leaning back in the pillow. His smile dropped when he remembered he was still keeping something from you. You did deserve to know, but he was so focused on making you feel safe that he didn’t feel like his problems were important. He was so focused on earning your trust.

Your trust. Shit.

He groaned, running his hand down his face. He stayed in bed for a bit until he checked his phone again. It was 5:15 and he needed a shower. Maybe he would tell you everything over dinner. You couldn’t get mad at him at dinner right? He figured out what he would say while he showered.

--

“Poe!” His door was unlocked, “You ready?” You called out.

“One sec,” Poe emerged from his room while he fixed his tie.

You smirked, “Well hello handsome.” You giggled.

Poe whistled at you. You were wearing a beautiful dark blue tight dress and black heels with your hair curled and makeup done nicely. Nothing too extravagant, but it fit the occasion.

“Hey there sexy lady,” He kissed you urgently.

You giggled against his lips, tapping his chest, “You keep kissing me like that and we won’t make it to dinner,” You teased

Poe wiggled his eyebrows.

You rolled your eyes, “I was kidding. Let’s go.”

He laughed, “Okay, okay. Let me find my keys.”

You nodded as he searched around the kitchen searching for where he last placed them.

“Oh shit,” You groaned in realization.

“What?” Poe shot his eyes to you in fear.

“I forgot a jacket. Do you have something I can wear?” You asked desperately.

He chuckled, “Yeah, just check for something in my closet.”

You smiled and nodded, heading to his room and going into his closet.

You looked for something that would at least match your dress, even though you wouldn’t be wearing it very long. Just while you traveled to and from the car.

You pushed through the shrine of jackets, nothing catching your eye until you got to a green jacket with a patch that matched the logo of the Air Force. You pulled it off the hanger and examined it. On the patch read ‘Captain. Poe Dameron’. Your mouth opened slightly.

“Hey, baby. It’s 5:45, are you ready to-” Poe walked in and saw you holding his old Air Force jacket.

Fuck.

Poe ran a hand through his hair, “I see you found a jacket.” He put his hands in his pockets.

“What is this?” You asked.

Poe swallowed hard, “It’s my old Air Force jacket.”

“Your old Air Force jacket? You were in the military?” You rose your eyebrows.

He sighed, “Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Poe sighed, running his hand down his face.

“Poe.”

He looked up at you.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

It was going to be a long night.

taglist <open> @twomoonstwosuns @darksideofclarke @damnyoudameron @demigod-dragonrider-schoolidol @rewritingstarrs @aidela @softly-sad @fanfiction-trashpile @lanatheawesome @fantasticcopeaglepasta @the-cry-of-youth @yeeintensifies @itsamedeemoney @yougottakeeponkeepinon @cloud-leader @multifandomlife22 @aroseamongthestars @liadamerondjarin @eternallyvenus @xremember-me-notx @frietiemeloen

#poe dameron x reader #poe dameron #modern poe #poe dameron fanfiction #poe dameron x you #I've been waiting for you poe #poe x reader

[thechildoflightning]

Ch6- Two Consuls (January)

Title: Calendrical Consequences [Masterpost]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: eventual LAMP, background Logicality

~~~

Chapter Title: Two Consuls (January)- Chapter Six

Summary: Virgil can't help but think of his mom after a comment Patton made. And well, people always say that things get worse before they get better.

Warnings: PTSD, Family Problems, Victim Blaming (in a way), Shutdown/Meltdown, Panic Attacks, Suicide and Self Harm Mention (past)

[ao3 link]

~~~

Two Consuls (January)- Chapter Six

January 9, 2019

“So Patton told me something a few weeks ago, and I can’t get it out of my head,” Virgil confessed, looking up at Picani. Picani gestured for Virgil to continue.

“I blame myself for my mom leaving me and my dad.”

“Care to elaborate?” Picani asked.

Virgil sighed and nodded.

“Yeah, okay,” he said with a huff, “So when I was kidnapped, it was obviously really hard on my parents, and eventually everyone thought I had died,” Virgil waved his hands as he talked, “And they adjusted to that. But seven years later I turned up, with a mess of PTSD, anxiety, depression, suicidal tendencies, you name it. She couldn’t handle that. She left.”

Picani nodded.

“So how do you fit in?” he asked, “How was it your fault that your mom left?”

Virgil rubbed the back of his neck with a hand as he glanced around the room, avoiding Picani’s eyes.

“Well,” he said, “If I had just been, I dunno, less,” Virgil looked for a word, “fucked up,” he settled on, “Maybe she would of stayed.”

“Maybe,” Picani agreed.

Virgil snorted, “Wow, thanks Doc, way to make me feel better.”

Picani leaned forward.

“Virgil, that’s not my job. My job isn’t to lie to you to make you feel better, it is to help you through the issues you face so you can learn the skills to make yourself feel better,” he explained.

“Well then thanks for helping me make myself feel better. Totally working,” Virgil bit out as he looked off to the side.

“Virgil, maybe your mom would have stayed if you were hurting as much after what happened to you. But, she might of still left. Maybe she had been thinking about it for awhile. Maybe she hadn’t. The point is, that’s not something you can control. It was a decision your mother made,” Picani reasoned.

Virgil took a breath and looked around the office, eyes catching the numerous colorful and cartoon-themed displays in a futile attempt to ignore Picani’s words. He was good at his job. Very good. Virgil was already feeling less responsible. It was infuriating.

“But,” Virgil argued, “It’s possible I could have prevented it.”

“No,” Picani said, “That is not your responsibility. You were a traumatized child in this situation. It was never responsibility,” he shifted slightly and then took a new direction, “It’s like, take some of your triggers for example.”

Virgil immediately stiffened.

“We can work on those triggers in therapy together, but there’s a large potential that some of those things will always remind you of your trauma. Your mom went through trauma too, and sadly, you could very likely be one of her triggers that remind her of that trauma. So could your dad, so could your house. But those things aren’t the triggers faults. What’s the saying about triggers?”

“Triggers are scary, but they’re just that, scary, they can’t hurt you.”

It was something the first therapist Virgil had ever had told him in his early days of recovery. The therapist was absolute shit, but that particular phrase had sat with him all these years. He introduced it to Picani when they first started. Iit seemed a bit childish at this point in Virgil’s life, but it helped keep him grounded.

“Exactly. And just like it’s your responsibility to adjust to your triggers, it’s your mom’s responsibility to adjust to hers. You’ve learned to adjust through therapy, practice, and assistance from Trixie, because removing the trigger from the equation altogether is generally unrealistic and impractical, forcing us to work on adjusting to our situation instead. It seems like your mom never adjusted- or worked on adjusting- to her own triggers.”

“So my mom removed me instead.”

“Yes.”

The two sat in silence for a minute, Virgil processing that unfortunate conclusion.

Virgil sighed, “That sucks.”

“Yes, yes it does. I’m sorry Virgil. And I don’t know your mom, so I could be wrong, but from what you’ve explained, it seems most likely. The point is that your mom leaving is not your fault, even though you might believe it is. That belief is valid, but blaming- or even shaming- yourself for her absence in your life is putting responsibility on you that is not yours to take.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah, it does.”

Virgil hesitated before bringing up what he was going to say next. 

“I think I want to call her,” he admitted. 

Picani shifted, “Why?” 

Virgil looked at the doctor. His face seemed sincere in his question. 

Virgil sighed, “I’m- I don't know. It's just. I think she loves me. And I know I love her. I think it was just too hard.”

“What if you call her and she tells you she hates you?” Picani asked. 

“Wow that sounds great Doc. I would love that,” Virgil bit out. 

Picani sighed, “Here's the thing Virgil. I'm not against you calling your mom if that's what you want to do. I'm just asking what you're looking for from the conversation.”

Virgil hesitated, thinking. He started to clench his fist, nails digging into the skin. Trixie shifted to put her face in his lap. Virgil relaxed his hands and started petting her instead. 

“I guess,” Virgil started, “I guess I just want to hear from her, whatever it is. I feel like I need closure and I feel like the only way I can get that by talking to her.”

“And if she doesn't respond? Or screams at you and tells you horrible things?”

“Well if she doesn't respond that's closure enough I guess. It's some sort of response still. Same with the screaming. I just feel like I need something.”

“That makes sense,” Picani validated, “Closure is a very important process of trauma recovery. But I also have to ask; what if it goes well?”

“What?” Virgil had to ask, because wasn’t that a good thing? Wasn’t that what he wanted to happen?

“I mean- what if the call goes really well and she tells you that she loves you and it was all a mistake.”

“Well then we’d probably talk more?” Virgil suggested.

“Okay, and then what? Virgil- your mom hurt you and her apologizing might not make things better. Do you realize that?”

Virgil stopped. Had he?

“I think- Yeah I think I get it,” he confirmed, “I’m- I’m not doing this to have a relationship with her. I mean if a healthy one comes out of all of this, that's great, but I mean- I’m doing this whole thing for me. Because it’s what I think I need.

Picani nodded and tapped his chin. 

“Well,” he said slowly, drawing the ‘l’ out, “If you think you're mentally in place to make that call,” Picani shrugged, “I’m not going to discourage it.”

-

January 17, 2019

Virgil got the number from his dad. Or the last number that he had known. His parents hadn't talked in years either, who knew if it would work. Virgil typed it into his phone regardless considering it was the only thing he had to go off of so he might as well try it.

He breathed in and hit call. 

One ring. 

Breathe. 

Two rings. 

Breathe. 

Three rings. 

Br-

“Hello?” a voice asked from the other side of the line. 

Holy shit holy shit holy shit she answered that was her that was her voice he remembered it that was her. 

“Hello?” she asked again. 

“Hi,” Virgil spoke out breathlessly. How was he supposed to do this? Did she know who he was? Should he hang up? What if she hung up? What was his plan? He had a plan, right? What was it? Why couldn’t he remember it? 

Trixie whined and nudged him with her nose. He tried to take a breath.

“Hello? Who is this?” the voice asked. 

“Uh, hi, Mom, it's Virgil.”

“Virgil?” she whispered. 

Virgil took a step back, crashing into the couch. He sat down on it. She said his name. She said his name. Trixie clamored on top of him.

“Yeah,” he answered. 

“How did you get my number?” she asked. 

“Uh I- uh from Dad. I've been uh- doing a thing in therapy? And realized some things and wanted to call you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Uh do you have time to talk? Do you want to talk?”

“Um okay. Yeah I can talk. That sounds good actually.”

“Yeah?” Virgil asked, more than a little surprised. 

“Yeah,” she said.

Both went quiet. 

“Uh, how have you been?” she asked. 

Virgil stuttered over his words, “Oh, uh, I mean. Good? I guess?”

“Oh. Oh that's good.”

“Yeah. I'm in college.”

“You are?” Virgil thought she sounded surprised. Which honestly, the surprise was well deserved, he was still surprised he had managed to make it this far himself. (Sometimes he was still surprised that he was even still alive). His free hand went to unconsciously rub across a large scar on his arm. (But that was the past. He didn’t want to die anymore).

“Yeah. I’m at school in Florida.”

“Oh. Oh. I live in Florida too actually.”

“Uh. Cool.”

“Yeah. Uhm, you mentioned you were in uh therapy?”

“Yeah. I er, I was in therapy until I went off to college and I recently restarted again.”

“Right. Um, why did you start going back?” she asked. 

Virgil shrugged, “Uh just recent stuff. Uhm. They caught Matthew Waters. He's the one who-”

“I know who he is.”

“Right well they caught him. I'm uh going to testify against him. Uhm and it was y’know, a lot to bring back up. So I've been going back to therapy.”

“Right.”

They both went quiet for a minute. Virgil shifted the phone to the other ear.

“Uh Mom, why did you leave us?”

The other side didn't answer. 

“Mom?”

He heard a choked breath. 

“Oh Virgil,” she breathed out, “I couldn't- I couldn't handle it. And I know that's not fair to you and it probably hurt and-”

“It's okay,” Virgil said, even though it really wasn’t okay, “I mean it hurt a lot. And I've always thought that it was my fault. But I get that it was a lot. It was a lot for me too.”

“Virgil,” she whispered, “honey you were just so broken and I didn't know what to do. But you seem so much better now.”

“I mean. I'm still fucked up,” Virgil said with a laugh, “tremendously. But I know how to deal with it now.”

“That's great.”

“Yeah,” he paused and then blurted out the question he had been wondering since he was a child, “Mom, if I hadn't been kidnapped, would you still would of left dad and me?”

She hesitated.

That was all Virgil needed.

“Okay,” he said, nodding on his end. He started to cry, “Okay, Mom, I think I'm going to hang up now. But I might call back. Is that okay?”

“Oh Virgil, I just meant, you were so broken and I couldn't-”

“Right you couldn't.” His tone was a bit more biting then he meant, but he couldn’t argue that it wasn’t well deserved.

She sighed.

“Yes,” she told him, “Yes of course you can call me again. I hope you do.”

“Bye.”

“Bye, Virgil.”

-

January 20, 2019

“Hey Logan, can we talk?” Virgil asked. 

The boy looked up at Virgil, and turned his head slightly. 

“Me?” he asked. 

“Yeah you,” Virgil said with a grin, “Wanna go for a walk?”

Logan shrugged, “Sure.”

The two exited the apartment, Virgil making sure to shove on his hoodie and get Trixie into her vest. 

“What’s going on?” Logan asked when they got on the street. 

“Well- I- You- I just-” Virgil stammered.

“Virgil, breathe,” Logan reminded. He looked especially nice tonight, his slightly tan skin glowing in the moonlight.

Virgil nodded and took a deep breath in, held it, and then slowly exhaled. 4, 7, 8. He knew this.

“Okay,” Virgil said with a shake of his shoulders, “Uh, this is a kinda personal question so…”

“Personal for who?” Logan questioned.

“You?” Virgil said, voice hesitant.

“Go ahead,” Logan offered. 

“Right. Well. So I called my mom. She left me and my dad when I was in recovery after I was found. I haven't talked to her since. And she pretty much confirmed that she left us since I was too much too handle after all the trauma I went through.”

Logan nodded.

“So- I- just. I know you've had a rough relationship with your parents. Uh, with them wanting you to be ‘normal’ or whatever. And them putting you in therapy to ‘fix’ you or whatever. I just- I dunno- uh. What was that like? Like how do you have a relationship after all of that?”

Logan continued walking and didn't say anything. After a minute of this, Virgil spoke up. 

“Logan?” Virgil asked. 

Logan grunted. 

Virgil went quiet. 

Logan took another minute of silence. 

“You're right. This is very personal.”

“Yes- I- I'm sorry- I shouldn't of-”

“Stop talking.”

Virgil went quiet and shoved his hands in his pockets, hanging his head. The two of them continued to walk onwards. Logan started to hum quietly. 

“Virgil,” he said after a moment, “would you please apply pressure to me.”

“Uh like a hug? A pressure stim?”

“Yes. Please.”

“Sure. You want to sit down? I can get Trix to help too that way.”

Logan nodded and sat down on the sidewalk. Virgil slowly wrapped his arms firmly around Logan, holding him tightly, as he directed Trixie onto his lap. 

They say there for a good while. Logan humming softly all the while. His hands came up to his ears and Virgil realized that Logan had not brought his familiar headphones with him. Virgil took his own off from around his neck and placed them on the taller boy. They may not as be as noise-cancelling as Logan's but hopefully they would help to some degree. Logan didn't try to push them off at least. Virgil took that as a sign that they could stay. Eventually Logan stopped humming and his body released its tension. 

“Thank you Virgil,” he eventually said, “I appreciate the pressure you and Trixie provided. I would appreciate your assistance in getting up,” Logan said stiffly. 

“Logan- I’m sorry- I didn't mean to- I know that it's a sensitive topic-”

“Please Virgil,” Logan insisted softly, voice barely above a whisper, “I would just like to go home now. Please.”

“Right. Uh sorry.”

God, Virgil had fucked up hadn’t he? He shouldn’t of asked Logan. He knew that Logan’s relationship with his parents was rocky at the best of times and he knew Logan still internalized a lot of feelings of inadequacy in relation to them. But Virgil just had to have brought it up, hadn’t he?

Logan clenched his fists and his eyes shut tightly. 

“I need you to stop talking,” he hissed. 

Virgil just nodded vigorously. The two turned around and started their walk back to their apartment in silence. 

When they were about five minutes away, Logan spoke up once again.

“Virgil,” he said, “I’m feeling… a lot right now. And I'm not really sure how to handle it. It is not your fault, okay?”

“Yeah Logan, I get it. A bit overwhelmed huh?” And Virgil did know. He did. He knew it wasn’t his fault. He still couldn’t help but feel guilty.

“A bit overwhelmed,” Logan said with a frown. Virgil wasn’t sure if he was agreeing with or challenging the statement.

-

When they returned to the apartment Logan went straight towards the bedroom he shared with Patton, closing the door quickly behind him. Patton and Roman both looked up at Virgil from their places in the living room, eyebrows raised. 

“He had a shutdown,” Virgil explained, “I asked him a bit about some things. I think he brought up a lot of emotions for him and he's having a bit of trouble sorting through them and feeling them.”

Patton nodded, walked over and offered a hug. Virgil took it gratefully. When the younger man broke the embrace, the older scrambled away to assist his boyfriend. Virgil moved to join Roman. 

“I feel bad,” Virgil admitted when he joined his friend. 

“You shouldn't,” Roman said, focusing on a book, “You know this happens sometimes. It's just part of Logan. He’ll be okay.”

“I know, but I brought up a sensitive subject and-”

“Virgil,” Roman cut in, “I care about you, I really do. But you need to stop blaming yourself for things that aren't your responsibility. Not only does it hurt you. It hurts the others around you. I care about you, but I can't always be here to comfort you.”

Virgil swallowed harshly. 

“Right,” he muttered, exiting the room in a scramble, “You’re right. I just get in everyone’s way.”

“That's not what I meant,” Roman said with a sigh, but Virgil didn't stick around to hear the rest. 

He darted into his room, Trixie fast on his heels. He sat heavily on his bed, vision blurring. Trixie whined and nudged him. Oh my god his friends hated him. He was too much trouble. He was way too much trouble. No one liked him. He was always in the way. Worthless. Useless. Pointless. No one cared about him. And- something was pawing at him. What no? He was alone. Alone like always because no one cared and- Nope something was definitely pawing at him. What? Oh oh Trixie. 

Breathe Virgil, come on you're having a panic attack, Trixie is alerting you. Lay on the floor. Lay on the floor. They're you go. Trixie on top, providing pressure. DPT. Just breathe. Inhale for four. Hold for seven. Out for eight. Again. You got this. 

You got this. 

You got this.

Just breathe.

#ts virgil #ts logan #ts roman #ts patton #sanders sides #ts sides #virgil's mom #trixie #angst #hurt/comfort #college au #trauma recovery #ptsd #jksf #just keep stumbling forward #my writing #mywriting #ao3 #fanfiction #fan fiction #colupdate #colwritingupdate

[bugsybeans]

Haters Just Need a Hug Part 3

  Summary: Phil’s soulmate tattoo ends up being a homophobic slur. Can he convince his supposed “other half” to love him back, regardless of his gender?

  Genre: Angst

  Warnings: Homophobia, swearing, mentions of death. 

   A.N: In all honesty, I’m not as proud of this chapter as the other two, but it was the best I could come up with for where I’m at in the story. I definitely have more planned for this fic though! Thank you so much everyone that liked the first two chapters, you really motivate me to keep writing. Anyway, I’ll shut up now. Enjoy!

Dan 

       Dan remembers when his aunt explained the concept soulmates to him for the first time. She sat him down and explained it to the best of her abilities in a way that her six-year-old son could understand. 

   “When you get to a certain age, you’ll get a tattoo, just like the one I have here.” She raised her left hand and pointed to the embolden words. “These are the first words that you’ll hear from a very special person. When you meet them, you won’t be able to let them go. They are the one chosen by God to be with you. You’ll fall in love with them, just like your auntie Christine and I.” 

    “Will it hurt, Auntie Jen?” Dan asked, eyes wide with curiosity. 

     “Not even a little, sweet child.” 

   Dan was preparing himself for war, or the beating of his life. But what he got instead was the same hateful spirit expected from his parents directed towards the man with the sparkling blue eyes. Dan’s newly discovered soulmate. His father spent the entire car ride home complaining about how “he was pushing his lifestyle on his son” or making up conspiracies about how it was all a stunt to get them out of there. Whatever it was, Dan thought, it had for once made his father angry at someone else. 

  That was the last Dan had heard of the guy for the next few days. His life actually went relatively back to normal. Well, if you could call homeschooling and church rallies normal. But Dan couldn’t help but wonder what the guy with the matching tattoo was up to. Did he attend festivals like that consistently? Had he ever gone to church?  Soon enough, all of his thoughts were consumed with him. It was too much to bear. 

  Then, the once innocent thoughts started to take a sinful turn. He was wondering what his lips would feel like against his own, what he looked like shirtless, or what their bodies would like pressed together. Dan prayed, and prayed, and prayed. Nothing could take his mind off the man with the striking blue eyes. 

  But thoughts are just thoughts, right? Besides from zoning out and occasionally waking up with wet sheets, they didn’t carry into his life at all. His parents were none the wiser. That was, until he actually started showing up. 

Phil  

    Charlie’s pissed. Of course, him being Charlie, he won’t admit it, but he’s still pissed nonetheless. Ever since the parade, he has locked himself up in his room, not even coming out for meals.

  “Charlie! Hey Char, I know you’re upset, and I completely understand why. But I was wondering if we could put on a film or something?” No response. 

  “We don’t even have to talk about it. Look Char, I just want my roommate back.” Phil banged his head on the door to his best friend’s room, the same one he’s having to speak through. 

   “Has it ever occurred to you how much you mean to me? You were the first person in my life who has ever made me feel wanted. Do you know how that felt? But no, we have these goddamn tattoos that are supposed to tell us who to love. I love you and you only. No one else can ever replace you. But you’re destined to be with someone else, aren’t you? I saw the way you looked at him, Phil. In all the time I’ve known you, you have never looked at me that way, and that fucking hurts.” 

  “Charlie. I’m so, so sorry. You mean the world to me, I need you to know that. But, just like I can’t choose whether or not I’m gay I can’t choose who my supposed “soulmate” is. Trust me Char, if I could have it any other way I would. You are such an incredible person, I’m certain you will find your soulmate too. It will have been so worth it. But I don’t want to lose you as a friend, not now or ever.” 

  “I don’t want to lose you either, Phil.” Charlie opened the door. 

  “No matter what happens between me and him, we’ll always be close. I promise.” Phil asked. 

   “I would really, really like that.” 

   “Lets just put this all behind us.” Phil said. “How about a Buffy marathon?”

      “Already one step ahead of you.” 

———————————————————————————————————————

   Phil had made amends with his friend for the time being. But there were far worse battles to come. First off, if he thought that having his thoughts attuned to Dan and his pretty face all the time was bad, running into him was even worse. 

  At first it was at the supermarket, which is probably the last place you would expect to see the love of your life for the second time. But unfortunately, the Universe absolutely adores surprises. They were both reaching for the same cereal box, completely unaware of each other, until their hands touched. It was so light, Phil could hardly feel it, but Dan pulled his hand away as if he had burned him with his bare hand. Phil tried to call out to him, but Dan had ran off before he even had the chance to open his mouth. 

  The second time was on the street, the two were walking on two completely different sides, going in opposite directions. If it wasn’t for the distance sound of a car horn, scaring them into taking in their surroundings, they never would have even acknowledged each other. Phil tried to cross, but the street was far too packed with cars. Besides, Dan had already hurried away, pretending that he never even noticed. 

    It was starting to get overwhelming. Phil couldn’t do anything without the intense thoughts of his lover. He didn’t even know him, yet he felt a sense of loss, like a piece of him was missing. He couldn’t let this go on any longer. No matter what, he was going to do everything in his power to clear things up with this boy, even if it means his homophobic family will hunt him down. 

———————————————————————————————————————

Dan

    He was everywhere. In his dreams, in his thoughts, in his reality. Dan was starting to think this was some kind of test that God is putting him through to challenge his loyalty, and he is determined to pass. He will not cave into his desires. Even if his heart says otherwise. 

  It’s family vacation season in the Howell household. Their religious practices are somewhat extreme, but their travel plans are surprisingly, relatively normal. Besides the fact that their bibles make more than half the weight of their suitcases. Anyway, Dan normally despises spending time away with his family, this vacation however, he couldn’t be more excited to leave. Something to finally take my mind off of that stupid boy, Dan thought. He must be a Uni student and on that kind of budget, he shouldn’t have the time or money to go to some family resort for summer break, right?

   After dropping off all their luggage in their room, Adrian decides to head down to the beach to enjoy some of that Floridian sun. Dan makes the mental calculation, would I rather stay here and pretend to listen to my parents’ banter, or sit by the pool and pretend to watch my younger brother? He figured the latter is the best option. After all, he’s fortunate enough to have parents who can afford to take a week long holiday in Florida, so he should spend time enjoying it. 

    After a race down to the pool (initiated and won by Adrian, of course) he was sitting in a ridiculously comfortable lounge chair, the sun beams tickling at his skin. He only got to chapter two of Great Expectations before he drifted off to sleep. It was so easy, with the warm weather and the comforting sounds of distant splashing. But unfortunately, his beauty sleep was rudely interrupted by a group of rough-housing older boys. He was ashamed of the reputation bestowed upon teenaged males. They are seen as stupid, immature and sex-obsessed. And it’s groups like this one that only enforce the stereotypes. They were hollering, clearing drunk, while pushing one another into the pool. Clearly this was only to get the attention of a smaller group of girls, whispering and giggling to themselves. 

  “Let’s get this shit started!” One of them screamed, and turned on a bluetooth speaker that was blasting some hard rock music that his parents would deem is “straight from hell.” 

  Just when Dan got up to leave, he heard that all too familiar voice once again. “Hey Dan! Where are you going?” 

   He can’t escape. There’s absolutely no where to run to. It’s either facing his soulmate or running straight into the group of scary older boys. So, he once again chooses the lesser of two evils by sucking it up and turning to face that pair of haunting blue eyes.  

  “My younger brother is in the pool and I think things are getting a little too rowdy for a twelve year old.” Dan tried to keep his tone steady, but it came out broken and timid. 

  “Those guys? Yeah, they’re not the brightest but I can guarantee you, they’re harmless.” Phil said. “So, you’re here with your family?” 

  “Yes. It’s not like I would be here with anyone else.” Dan exclaimed. “We’re on vacation.” 

  “Well, me too. I managed to get time off of my job at Azda, so me and those idiots will be here all week!” 

  You have got to be kidding me. Dan thought to himself. He couldn’t help but stare at the boy in front of him. He was completely shirtless, with bright and green polka dotted swim shorts. That is so adorable. No, not adorable. Don’t give in. Don’t give in. Don’t give in. 

   “Well, so will we.” Great job idiot. Now he’s going to bug you at every chance he gets. 

    “Great! Look Dan, I’m going to have to cut to the chase here. First of all, I'm really sorry about the whole pride thing. I don’t know what overcame me. Second of all, I really like you. But I also completely understand if you don’t want that. Though unfortunately, it’s almost as if the Universe won’t let us stay away from each other. So, maybe, to give the Universe what it wants, we could try being friends? I promise, I’m not going to force you into anything, I just want to get to know you.” 

   Given his upbringing, Dan never really had any friends. Most everyone at his church is either elderly or a family with very young kids. Even interacting with someone his own age is a foreign concept. 

  “Okay. But I need to make it clear, I’m NOT dating you. Or any boy for the matter.” 

   “Got it. Message received.” 

    “By the way, I never caught your name.” Dan said. 

     “Oh yeah! How rude of me, I’m Phil.”

      Phil. That’s really cute. 

      “Well I guess it’s nice to meet you.” 

      “Nice to meet you as well.” 

     Just before Dan could think of something else to say, his younger brother ran towards him, completely wet from swimming. “The lifeguard kicked me out. One of the drunk guys threw up in the pool.” 

———————————————————————————————————————

Phil 

   Some of his buddies invited him and Charlie to tag along on their annual summer escapade. Of course, all of those guys hadn’t even come close to finding their soulmates yet, so the summer holidays were the perfect time to hookup with every guy or girl they find attractive. There really isn’t an exact age where you’re supposed meet your soulmate, some people have known them all their lives. But for most, they meet their other half once they become adults. In all honesty, if things work out with Dan, Phil won’t miss the occasional hookups or his attempts at dating. They were enough to satisfy the craving, but there were no true feelings behind it. Call him cheesy, but Phil has always looked for true, authentic love in a relationship. He has spent long enough waiting, he’s not letting Dan go. No matter what. 

  Anyway, he was very pleased with the way their conversation went. It seemed almost as if Dan was starting to trust him. Phil was so happy about that, he almost forgot about Charlie. 

  “Phil! Wake up! The guys want to know if you want anything to drink.” 

   “Um. I’ll just have a beer, thanks.” Phil said, snapping out of his trance. He was on cloud nine, really. A beach vacation with his buddies and a soulmate that might actually start liking him back. What more could he want? 

   ———————————————————————————————————————

Dan

              It’s just one week. Dan thought. I can do this. All I need to do is keep Phil and my family as far away from each other as possible. Sounds easy. 

    It really wasn’t. Dan’s family was very keen on doing things together. Even if one of their sons might possibly be gay, he sure as hell is joining in on the activities. Dan barely had time to himself, let alone enough time to spend with another person. But spending time apart from Phil was really taking a toll on him. Dan figured it was worth the risk getting caught. 

   When he heard his parents head to bed, Dan made a run for it. Well, as quietly as possible. Luckily, his brother slept like a log. Dan quickly changed, then went downstairs to the front desk where a young man with dark, curly hair greeted him. 

   “How can I help you?” He asked, lacking any enthusiasm. The late hours were clearly getting to him. 

    “Um.. I need to make a really important phone call, so I was wondering if you could give me someone’s room number?” Dan asked, avoiding eye contact. 

    “Yeah, sure. Who do you need?” 

     “His name is Phil.” 

      “Phil, who?” The guy looked at Dan expectantly.

      “I didn’t catch his last name. But, I know he was here with a bunch of college-age guys.” 

      “Oh yes. The party kids. Some of them were kicked out due to noise complaints, but the ones that are left checked into room 207.” The man went back to staring at his computer, ignoring Dan. 

     “Thank you so much!” 

     That was a lot easier than expected. Dan thought. Now time for the really difficult part. 

———————————————————————————————————————

  “Um… Is Phil there?” Dan asked quietly into the phone. He was currently using the one in the lobby of their hotel room, right between where his parents and brother were sleeping. He had no idea what would happen if he got caught, but there would be a punishment for sure. Somehow though, getting to hear the sound of Phil’s voice made it worth the risk. 

  “Yeah… Phil! It’s for you!” The guy on the other end yelled. Must be one of his crazy friends. Dan thought. 

   After a few seconds of incoherent muffling, someone picked up the phone. “Hey what’s up?” 

   “Hey Phil. It’s me, the one you bugged by the pool.” 

    “Ha! Hey Dan, sorry I was going to give you my number. I completely forgot.” Phil said. 

     “It’s okay. I got your room number from the front desk. Is that too creepy?” 

      “No. Not at all. I’m actually really glad you called. Anything important you need to talk about?” Phil asked, concerned. 

     “No. I just kinda wanted to chat.” 

    And so they did. For nearly four hours, the two shared jokes, interests and anecdotes, all without worrying about being judged. It was the first time Dan had ever been truly honest with someone, and the first time since his aunt passed away that he fell asleep smiling. 

#phan #angst #homophobia #phanfiction #phil lester #daniel howell #teenage!dan

[mogensenramsey8-blog]

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[toomanysurveys9]

Do you prefer apple cider or chai? apple cider for sure.

Do you prefer pumpkin spice tea, pumpkin spice coffee, or no pumpkin spice? no pumpkin spice. Have you ever made a stupid mistake? well, yeah. i’m human. we all make stupid mistakes. Do you ever feel insecure? yeah. all the time. and it’s super bad right now. What does your trick-or-treat bag or pail look like? i don’t have one. i’m an adult and no longer go trick or treating. i do need to get one for wy this weekend though since halloween is next week. How old will you turn on your next birthday? twenty-six.

What are your plans to celebrate? probably just hang out with family as always. What floor do you live on? i live in a house, but our room is upstairs. Do you have a balcony? nope. we do not. Do you ever feel alone? yeah. i feel that way a lot. Do you ever feel afraid people will question your sanity? i guess so.

Do you like fall evenings or mornings better? evenings. i’m not a huge morning person, regardless of season.

What is your favorite way to spend a fall evening? cuddled up inside. or maybe a bonfire.

What is your favorite way to spend a fall morning? sleeping. lol. my morning routine stays the same regardless of the season. wyatt and i wake up, and we go downstairs to eat breakfast. then he gets a diaper change. the usually we will play together, although this week he’s been busy playing with lilli and rose since they’re on fall break, so i bounce/rock on the exercise ball and do some surveys. What is your favorite fall drink, if you had to pick just one? apple cider for sure.

Which X Factor audition(s) was/were your favorite? i don’t watch it so couldn’t say.

Were you a straight A student in spelling and grammar? for the most part, yes.

Were you a straight A student in math? no. usually i got b’s in math.

Would you rather wear orange or black? black. i don’t like orange that much. i never have. Were you abused or do you know anyone who was abused? i was and i know a lot of others who were as well. Are you scared of something right now? yeah. being pregnant forever. ha.

Are you a democrat or republican, or neither? kind of somewhere in the middle i think.

Do you plan on voting in this November’s election? yeah, depending on eliana.

Do you have trouble keeping your room clean? not so far since jacob spends less time in there.

Who would take care of you if you needed surgery? my mom mostly. maybe jacob on occasion.

Do you have anyone that you can rely on? my parents. sometimes jacob.

Do you tend to wake up early or sleep in? depends entirely on wyatt.

Do you wish you could wake up earlier? i don’t really enjoy waking up early..

What is the name of your favorite coffee shop in your town? i usually just go to dunkin’ if i want iced coffee.

What is fall weather usually like where you live? cool. usually about 50-60s during the day, and 34-45s during the night.

Do you think you have an accent? not to those who live around here, no.

Have you been told you have an accent? i have been but it was weird.

Where do you live (country or state)? indiana.

Are there any churches you feel welcome at in your town? i don’t go to any churches.

If you could start a church, what would it be like? i wouldn’t do that. i’m not religious.

What color is your favorite laundry basket? i don’t have a favorite laundry basket. i just have our little tan one.

What color is your clothes hamper? tan laundry basket.

Do you use plastic, wooden, or wire hangers? my mom bought plastic ones when we moved in so that’s what i use.

What is your favorite shade of yellow? i don’t know. i guess a pale yellow that isn’t all up in your face.

Are there any shades of blue that you don’t like? If so, which ones? not really... i’ve never been a huge fan of, like, indigo, but i don’t mind it either.

What color eyeshadows look best on you? if i wear it, i use natural colors.

What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? i would love to get a job in my field.

Are there paper-thin walls where you live? kind of. or my sisters are just really freaking loud.

Do you feel happy today? i’ve been kind of happy i suppose. but bored.

Are you afraid of getting yelled at? no.. although i haven’t done anything to get yelled at about, so i would be confused.

Do you ever experience paranoia at random times? it’s not really random times.. it’s when i’m alone or when i go down the stairs to go bathroom early in the mornings.. i’m afraid someone is going to be standing outside our front door one of these times because we still haven’t got a curtain for the window on the front door so you can see right in.

Who has the best decorated house in your town? i have no clue.

What is your favorite part of Halloween? taking the kids trick or treating.

Do you think Halloween could be made into a Christian holiday? If so, how? i don’t know but it isn’t necessary regardless.

Is there a cemetery in your backyard? no, thank god. although i don’t mind them, that doesn’t mean i would want one in the backyard.

Do you feel a connection to the moon? can’t say that i do.

What does your heart long for? be the best mom and wife i can be and make people happy..

Do you know what your purpose in life is? take care of my babies!

If so, what is your purpose? Why are you here? ^^^

If you live in an apartment, what is the maintenance man’s name? i live in our house, so jacob and my dad does the maintenance stuff.

Did you decorate a pumpkin this year? we did this past sunday actually!

If not, will you decorate a pumpkin this year? we already did. :)

What are some fall activities you would do with your kids? we picked pumpkins and apples. read “fall/halloween” themed books (wyatt’s favorite is “there was an old lady who swallowed a bat”). maybe watch some movies, especially as he gets older (like harry potter, beetlejuice, etc). would like to go to the corn mazes, hayrides, and even haunted houses as they get older.

Have you ever seen a fox? only in zoos/animal sanctuaries.

What color are the squirrels where you live? i mostly see brown/black ones.

Do you find Halloween fun or scary? i love halloween, so i think it’s fun.

Is there anything about Halloween you find offensive? nope. nothing comes to mind.

What was the last thing you drank? water.

What do the trees look like where you live? the leaves are changing colors, so they’re pretty right now.

What is your dream vacation? i want to get out of the u.s. so maybe italy or the uk.

What was the best vacation you’ve been on so far? our florida trips were always amazing when i was younger. but the kentucky trip we took when wy was a few months old was great too, plus it was our first family vacation with him.

What is the best class trip you’ve been on? went to an amusement park for the day once. that was about it.

Did you like field trips when you were a kid? yeah. i loved field trips.

Do you find museums boring or interesting? i kind of like them actually.

What was your school’s rival team’s mascot? i don’t know. i never paid attention to any school sports in college or high school.

Do you wish you could do your life over again and make less mistakes? as long as it wouldn’t change current things going on too much.

What are three issues you are passionate about? animal abuse, child abuse, and suicide prevention.

What are three countries you have no desire to visit? i’m not sure, to be honest.

What are three countries you would like to visit? italy, u.k., and greece.

Do you like your country’s flag? sure. i don’t have any issues with it.

Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? i have before, and probably will again.

Do you have a bedspread or a comforter? comforter.

What size is your bed? queen, and it’s still not big enough. i still get kicked off the bed.

Do you prefer cotton or microfiber sheets? i think i’ve only ever used cotton..

Does anyone love you and support you? my husband, at least most of the time. and my parents and siblings i guess.

What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? robitussin. knocks me right out.

Do you like bath bombs? i’ve never actually used a bath bomb. i don’t take baths really.

What was the best summer of your life? 2016 was a good one. i graduated college, got married, had fun with friends, and got pregnant with wy.

What year do you wish you could go back to? i’m okay to keep going forward.

What did your favorite homecoming dress look like? i never wore a dress to homecoming i don’t think.

Who is your favorite neighbor? don’t have a favorite. i don’t really know any of our neighbors.

What did you last have for lunch? i had two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches today.

If someone told you “trick” instead of giving you a treat, what would u do? nothing.

Would you ever be friends with an alien exchange student? yeah.. why wouldn’t i?

Who are your favorite small youtubers? i don’t care for youtube that much.

Who are your favorite big youtubers? ^^^

What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? barlow girls. ha. it was a christian girl band i really enjoyed.

Do you like Disney movies? i love disney movies.

Were you ever in the popular crowd? ha. no. not even close.

If not, do you want to be popular? i never cared to be popular, and i still don’t.

Would you rather live in a log cabin or Smarthouse? i don’t know. probably a log cabin. i think the smarthouse might get annoying.

Have you ever used an outhouse? no. closest i got was the port-a-potty and i avoid using those at all costs.

What does your middle name rhyme with? see.

What was the name of the first dorm you lived in? i never lived in a dorm.

Were your college years the best years of your life? not the best, but there was  a lot of fun times. i don’t remember them all. ha.

#survey #surveys #personal #question #questions #random

[decordwertge1976]

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How long can I stay on my parents car insurance?

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Types of Commercial Health Insurance are designed to minimize medical costs that otherwise would leave behind at a low price for their employees. You can receive benefits through your employer’s health insurance plan, not through your own employer’s coverage. If you have employer-provided coverage, don’t work for an employer-sponsored health insurance plan. You may need employer-sponsored coverage if you’re self-employed or if you work for someone else, such as a trade or business, or if your employers provides health insurance and you have a reasonable employer-provided coverage. If you work for one of these two things on your own time, you can apply for a non-participating health insurance plan to avoid being denied coverage if you get sick or the accident happens, without any penalties. If you don’t want to work for yourself, you might consider purchasing an employee-sponsored plan. A good candidate for non-participating health insurance is self-employed insurance. The purpose of this type.

How long can I stay on my parents health insurance?

How long can I stay on my parents health insurance? The answer is no, you can stay on your parents health insurance for as long as you wish, regardless of the age of your child and their health status. If your child is under the age of 18 and live with them now, the age limit on their health insurance at 22 and beyond are the same as those at 21 years of age. If your child is a military active member under the age of 21, they may still be able to stay on their parent’s health insurance until they turn 26 and beyond. The best way to find cheap health insurance if you’re young or disabled is to work with an independent insurance agent in Ohio. Our team is available to help you find the right person in the right situation. You could be saving up to 50% or more on your car insurance! Our team also offers bicycle.

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Does my insurance come with a passport? Do I still have health insurance? Please tell me for more advice. Thanks so many different things to know & I hope you get nothing out of it. Please, please don’t hurt anybody. In the words of Michael, You re a lot safer with your insurance. We re not in the business of price fixing or making things work for you. That and the fact that, as an agent and an insurance broker, I ve personally helped thousands of people find the best products, rates, policies, etc. I make sure that all of the things we re working with are simple & have you agree to our policies. (As agent and broker, I ve helped many people find the best products, rates, policies, etc. I make sure that all of the things we re working with.

Tips for insuring teen drivers

Tips for insuring teen drivers include: While insurance rates do rise for drivers with blemishes on their record, it’s generally not too uncommon for someone to have one. For that reason, insurance agents like Leech and Johnson advise getting a quote from your local insurance company. You’ll have some flexibility for you though to choose the right coverage for your teen as your needs change as they age. If you’re wondering”Do I really need comprehensive and collision insurance on my kid?? says Leech. “Some companies consider it a high risk and won’t let you add an injury benefit with comprehensive and collision coverage because it may increase premiums, which are expensive for your teenager. “Your local school district is usually where you’re located, so you’re likely to get to know a lot of different parents and schools. So if your teenager has a few on their driving record, you might be able to have them insure by the standards mentioned above..

[letgolovemyself]

They say you can’t heal in the same place you became broken. That is very much true. I don’t feel pain every day when I wake up and go pee thinking this is the same place we did that and took baths together and showered when you pretended to be happy. I’m not avoiding the kitchen because I see the ghost of you coming back from runs while I was finishing dinner or you standing there telling me stories or cooking with me. I don’t have to wake up in the same place that I saw the end of us happen. That helps a lot. A whole lot. But you know what doesn’t help? The ongoing, never ending pain that I have been trying to avoid so heavily of you telling me that the last three years were some of the worst years of your life, that you “were the happiest in your life for the first two” or that “I should have known that you were trying to leave for 3″. I cannot put into words the amount of pain the things you said to me when you were finally “free of me” haunt me to this day. I cannot even say it to another person because even as I am typing it, I am pausing every couple of seconds to cry. I know I did not love you right. It is no excuse to say that you deserved it because you did not. But do you and can you even comprehend what it means to have spent almost 6 holiday seasons with someone at your side? I thought I loved others before you but I don’t think I did. I remember the way YOU talked down to me, the way you made me feel small from the very beginning. I absolutely idolized you. That probably isn’t love. You picked kids names with me literally a month before you left. You left and told Ryan and your mom how I had the worst drug problem when I literally used to get mad at you for trying to get a buzz in any way possible. I literally asked for their help and they judged me and you didn’t stand up for me... And I cannot think back to that time in Florida without having a panic attack. I cannot think of myself sitting in that hotel room knowing it was over and you not even trying to talk to me without panicking. I cannot. It literally shakes me, I am shaking when I think about how horrible I felt during that time. I tried to give you space because that’s all you asked me for, but when I did you said that I abandoned you. Then when I returned, you said you could not be happier to see me. I think of myself in that hotel room and when you barely spoke to me and when you sent me to that psych ward and then basically never spoke to me again and I cannot think about it because it physically hurts me. I shake every time I picture those sheets or the times I begged you to stay and you were emotionless. And it was not just then, but it proves to me that you are an absolute monster, an absolute monster, a narcissist. Because you pulled me in every time I felt like I was going to die, you pulled me in with a string of hope and then looked at me blank faced and told me I was the problem. The worst part is, I feel lied to, I feel cheated, I feel absolutely broken. And I have tried my best to pick up these pieces. Because I was not like this before you. I am somehow so strong yet so weak and you would give me little pieces of how much you think I’m strong yet tell me it’s all my fault. You have absolutely broken me. It means so much to me that my closest friends and my family tell me that I have grown so much, but that is because I think I don’t tell anyone how bad it is. How can I tell anyone that I am struggling to remember who I am before you broke me down by telling me I’m the bad person all the time? 

I know I have not become less of a cokehead or an alcoholic, but I can say for sure that you would no longer recognize me. I will not be ashamed that I wanted you to become and always wanted you to be a person that loves me as much as I love you. To do everything I did for you for you to do for me. And I think that’s why I was so angry with and at you. I so badly wanted you to treat me the way I treated you. I know I was hurt by the fact that you did not let things go that happened 5 years ago, but I guess I didn’t either. The truth is, I deserve someone who stands up for me, that sees what they have and sees the mistreatment I was getting and said no. I’m not sure you’ll ever do that for a girl and if you do it won’t be me. I wasted 5 years waiting for you to see my worth and you never did and you were never going to. And if I loved myself and saw myself the way I do now (really only regarding you, I would have left). 

I am a full blown sadist. You told me for so many years that I need therapy. But how do I say that I enjoy making myself sad? To let people treat me badly, to cause others sadness and harm? I feel like I look at pictures of us voluntarily because I love the harm that it causes me. Now I look at pictures of you and I don’t find you attractive, I just torment myself with the memories. 

Not even you could tell me or convince me that every inch and fiber of my being loves you. I have slept with a number of people since we broke up, all of them fucking me up more than the last person, but somehow all of that pain is so displaced by the pain that you have caused me. 

I hate that I cannot give myself credit for the ways that I have grown. Sometimes I feel so happy to listen to good music, and I have accomplished so many of my goals without you here. I’m sure you feel the same. It should not matter to me how you feel. But 2 months ago, if I texted you and you did not respond (which you have not in 6 months), I would not be able to get out of bed. I would have called all my closest friends and family. I don’t shame myself anymore. You choosing not to respond is you, not me. I genuinely thank you for leaving me because if you did not, I never would have. I never would have left you because I was always wishing you would love me the way I deserved. It really does not matter who abused who more or who did it first, because we both know who started and ended it. No one who ever loved someone tells them that the last 3/5 years were a mistake and then blames it on me. That is what hurts. Not that I always knew. Not how you left. But the fact that you said that after all I gave to you. 

I don’t really care to know how free you feel without me,

who the abuser is and who is not.

I lost 40 pounds after you. Not because I tried to but because I became the person I was before you. Maybe not. I can’t eat a full meal and as pathetic as it is, I cooked that much because I gave every last inch of myself trying to prove my worth to you, but I never could.

I have not missed a day, not a day of work since we broke up. I have been hungover, drunk, coked out, no sleep, and I still go to work every single day because I am worth that much to me. I am worth eating a meal when I don’t want to. I’m worth standing up for myself and not feeling bad. I’m worth this amazing apartment in my dream location.

I cried cleaning that apartment, cleaning your mess, paying for your mess, I did that... by myself. I don’t know what’s more of a tragedy... that I lost myself in trying to get you to love me or the fact that I found a way to love me without you. The fact is, and I know this because you said it when you left, I AM the strongest person that you know, and you ARE the weakest person that I know. I know that my parents and Sam and Christian and Taylor and Smit and others have told me that they have seem TREMENDOUS growth from me, but I am the only person that woke up day after day and pushed myself. We both deserve not to say one more word to each other because what the fuck is there to say... That’s all I say to myself all the time... What is there to say? How can you look at me or hear from me and choose to respond when you cannot even fathom the pain you caused me? 

I was not the greatest to you. I was so horrible time and time again and there is no excuse. There isn’t for you either. Even after all this, the saddest moment of my life was my mom saying to me, “you need to let it go, that man does not want to be with you”. I can never forget that. 

And I do wish you the best. I know you will find someone that challenges you in a way you can understand and appreciate. I know you will find a girl that will comply to your low needs and barely help you grow. And she’ll make you smile, you’ll laugh with her, your family will love her. 

But Brendan, you will never forget me. You could never forget me as hard as you are trying and you will try, regardless of the fact that you never loved me like I love you, you cannot forget me. We met eyes and did not stop locking eyes for almost 6 entire years. I am absolutely the best thing that ever happened to you. I tried to help you grow, I challenged you, I stood by you through every single thing. Men leave women like me because you want a woman that is easier, a woman not like me. I am toxic, I am psycho, I am scary. But the thing is, I only do that to people I know I deserve better from. I stayed for so long (like you said) because I thought you’d feel the same. Maybe you will never get it, and you won’t because you are not that smart and you are not accountable, and you are more of a narcissist than me, but a woman like me is impossible to come by, you are settling, in the same way I was willing to.

[bnems]

Oh hey y’all! It’s me...the girl who swore up and down she would never abandon this blog. Funny how a pandemic changes your thoughts and perspective on things. But nevertheless, it’s me. I’m back...for now. What better way to end this tragedy called 2020 and start 2021 with a reflection post. I know i know, it’s such a cliche, but frankly it’s therapeutic af and y’all need to do the same. It’s good for the soul and you know it. Now...let’s begin.

The ball dropped at midnight on Jan 1st 2020, THIS WAS IT. THIS WAS GOING TO BE MY YEAR. I was gonna get my shit together. I had such big hopes and dreams. We spent that night as a Framily planning out big vacations and activities which we were so excited for. Little did we know this thing called COVID-19 was about to change all of that. Not gonna lie, when I first heard about COVID, I wasn’t concerned. In my head, I viewed it as another dumb disease. This little thing wasn’t gonna affect me and my life. Boy was I in for a rude ass awakening.

As January and February flew past us, things continued to get weirder & more restrictive. My work environment became something I never saw coming. We were REQUIRED to wear masks, take our temperature daily, allow only one visitor at the bedside, etc. I was genuinely scared to go to work. I dreaded the thought of leaving the safety of my home considering we were also on mandatory lockdown! We’re strongly encouraged to STAY HOME AND ONLY LEAVE FOR WORK OR PRIORITY THINGS. How freaking wild is that? Like never in a million years would I have thought this would’ve happened during my life time. However, I made the most of it...or at least tried to!

Some positives that came out of quarantine included spending some much needed time with family. We spent March-April pretty much locked down between my house, my parents, and the in-laws. I know i know, that’s not technically quarantine. However, family is super important and I felt it was necessary to still stay in contact, so judge all you want! We spent endless nights playing board games, ordering curbside, & becoming extremely addicted to TikTok. We also were able to save some money & do some work around the house! My home is my safe place & the remodeling made it feel even more cozier.

Some negatives about quarantine. The feeling of absolute loneliness. The feeling of being confined to your home. Unable to see friends. Unable to hug your grandma. It all fucking sucked. My anxiety and depression were at all time high during quarantine. I drank everyday, I napped more than usual, I was miserable. What really hurt is that at the beginning of March, Brian & I had decided we were ready to start a family. We wanted 2020 to bring us a baby 👶🏼 . We were so excited & ready. However, with the unknowns of COVID and the thought of not having Brian be at the bedside with me or being able to participate in doctors visits, made us reevaluate our decision to become parents. Which lets be honest, was probably a blessing in disguise. As I sit here and ponder, if we had successfully gotten pregnant, I could have a baby in my arms right now instead of my second cup of coffee and an 80 lb lap dog... WILD THOUGHT. I’ve only shared this with our close friends and family but it truly was devastating to make that decision to hold off on our future. Now I look back and think to myself, that was the most selfless decision we could’ve ever made. Our day will come when we have a little babe, but for now, it’s in Gods hands & were okay with waiting.

As summer came & COVID numbers decreased, I’m not gonna lie, we went HARD! Between the two of us, we went to the Ozarks THREE times, we went on a belated honeymoon to Florida, and had one of the best summers. We built a deck around our pool, we had another killer 4th of July, and we just lived our lives like we never had before! It was so great being back with our friends and making the best damn memories. I’ll never regret our decisions this summer. They were THAT good. Covid couldn’t totally stop us. Here are some of my favorite memories..

Fast forward to the fall, we also had just as good a time as we did in the summer! We celebrated our friends getting married, we did all the fall activities, and just enjoyed the time together. I also started selling Scentsy which I cannot describe in words how grateful i am for. Again, no regrets. However in November, our worlds got a little shaky.

If you know me, you know I have a sick obsession with my dog. Well, Gracie Lou decided she wanted to swallow a squeaker in early November which resulted in emergency surgery. And to top it all off, she not only required one surgery, but a second surgery after she experienced complications from the first. If this year wasn’t hard enough, this was the icing on top of the cake....or so I thought. Luckily after weeks of low activity, antibiotics, pain meds, & LOTS OF LOVE, she is back to her normal self. Thank you Jesus. It was scary enough and stressful enough to put me back on anxiety meds which are a GOD send ...HALLEJUAH.

Now, as our year comes to an end, 2020 wanted to make sure to add a cherry to the top of this horrendous cake and give me...COVID. Yes I am COVID positive. Going on day 5 of isolation with the hubs. I woke up the day after Christmas with no taste and smell and let me tell ya, it’s the weirdest sensation or should i say lack of. Not being able to smell my coffee and Scentsy or taste my food is awful. 0/10 don’t recommend. However, I’ve had a very minor case of it which I’m thankful for. January 6th, I’ll be a free woman, so I can’t complain. So as many of you will spend tonight with friends and family, I’ll be in bed, probably sleeping when the clock strikes midnight. && ALAS THE YEAR 2020 WILL COME TO AN END!

As for 2021, I’ve got my eyes on you. I’m cautiously optimistic. I’ll be starting my year off at home, re-evaluating my priorities. Choosing what matters most! I’ve got my goals & I’ll be sure to keep those in the back of my head at all times. Changes will be made for the better in 2021 and I’m so excited to share with you my journey. As for this blog, who knows, maybe I’ll write more or maybe I won’t. Regardless, I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read this. I hope you all have the best day & stay healthy my friends. ✨

[ppdoddy]

Michael Moore

AN OPEN LETTER TO JOE BIDEN Dear President-Elect Biden:

First of all, congratulations! YOU did it. WE did it! You stopped the madness. A grateful nation - and myself - are in a state of joy, hope and relief. Thank you for that! We are all eager to join with you to repair the damage done to our country — and to eliminate that about our society and our politics which gave us Donald Trump in the first place.

Mr. President-Elect, I first met you at the Democratic National Convention in Boston in 2004. It was clear to me from our talk that day that you were not the politician I remembered from the 1990s. On that day in Boston, we were by then over a year into the Iraq War, a war you voted for. My “Fahrenheit 9/11“ had just come out and you wanted to let me know that you were aware of the folly you had been sucked into. It seemed to me that you were doing a lot of soul searching and you wanted to hear my thoughts. To be honest, I was distracted by how perfect your teeth were, and I wondered, could you really be from the working class? By the end of our talk I was convinced there was something that was quite real and very good about you, though perhaps somewhat buried inside. Would it ever come out so the public could see it? As I reflect today on it - and you - I am sincerely hoping that you will indeed govern as a president who’s from the working class. You - one of us - in the White House. That’s how it should feel. Your actions, if bold, and brave, will make that true.

You are also our second Catholic president. I believe you are a person of faith. You and I were taught the same lessons in Catholic school: to love our neighbor, even our enemy; to create a world where everyone regardless of status or station has a seat at the table, and everyone gets a slice of the pie; a world where “the rich man will have a harder time getting into heaven than a camel will have getting through the eye of the needle.” We were taught that we will be judged by how we treat the least amongst us. Do I have that right? Are these not the moral, foundational principles of the coming Biden presidency?

I was so moved by your victory speech Saturday night when you told the immigrants and the children of immigrants that the Dreamers no longer had to live in fear. That Muslims were once again welcomed into our country. That the world could breathe a sigh of relief because we were going to let the planet Earth itself breathe and have some relief. And you told the teachers of America that starting January 20th, “one of your own will be living in the White House.” That just felt instantly good.

So if I may, I’d like to suggest a few things that might make your presidency one of the best this country has ever had. You and I may have our political differences (you like Amtrak trains, I’d like to ride a bullet train from New York to LA in 10 hours!😎), but I know that you and I - and tens of millions of others - all want and believe in the same basic things: • Health Care is a human right and every American must be covered; • Everyone must be paid a living wage and all of us must work to eliminate poverty and rebuild our broken middle class; • The massive and growing gulf between the ultra rich and everyone else must be narrowed — and the wealthy must go back to paying the taxes they should pay; • Women must be paid the same as men, and no man or government has the right to tell them what they can do or not do with their bodies.

So here’s my two cents:

1. You are right to make containing Covid-19 Job #1. Had Trump won, I’m guessing up to a million people in the next year or so would have died from him ignoring this virus. Yesterday you named your Covid task force of doctors and scientists and you are putting them to work. We don’t have a second to lose. Thank you for this.

2. As soon as you can, please provide much more unemployment relief for the jobless, stimulus checks for all, help for small businesses, and the creation of jobs we desperately need.

3. Millions have lost their health insurance because our system ties one’s health coverage to their employer. What happens when the employer, like now, is suddenly gone, or the boss wakes up one morning and decides these employees’ health benefits are too costly and must be cut? BOOM! Millions of families suddenly have no health insurance. This is nuts.

You MUST create a health system like every other industrial democracy — one backed by the government, not by the whims of the boss where you work or the pandemic that has shut him or her down. This is just plain common sense.

4. I see various people trying to take credit for your victory — and using their personal agendas to push you away from the progressive Left and toward the cowardly center which believes that the best way to beat Republicans is to just be a more easily-digestible version of Republicans. They think because Trump got 70 million votes the Democrats should reject Black Lives Matter, AOC, and anything that vaguely sounds like socialism — at a time when the majority of our citizens under the age of 35, according to most polls, prefer the idea of democratic socialism over the greed of modern-day capitalism. Why risk losing them? We need to listen to and understand why they feel this way. They’ve been saddled with crushing student debt and we’ve handed them a planet In the middle of its 6th extinction event as their future. You and Barack introduced them to the benefits of democratic socialism by letting them stay on their parents health insurance until they’re 26! The result: They just set a record by coming out and voting for you in the largest youth numbers ever.

But you know all this. And you also know how you won these razor-thin victories in the final five states as we nervously watched the final ballots come in from Black Philly, Black Detroit, Black Atlanta, Black Flint. Out west, it was Latinx and Navajo voters who delivered Nevada and Arizona to you. In your speech on Saturday you acknowledged it. And never in our history have I heard a President-elect single out the Black community and thank them “for having my back. And I promise you, I will have your back!” Black and brown and indigenous peoples, plus a landslide of women and young adult voters made this happen. Wow. I absolutely know you’ll keep that promise.

5. Please do not make the same mistake an otherwise well-meaning President Obama made in his first two years. He wanted everyone to get along. He was willing to compromise on anything. Kumbaya. The Republicans had already decided they were going to block EVERYTHING Obama proposed and that’s exactly what they did for eight long years with a discipline and a ruthlessness we should probably envy.

Don’t let this happen to you. Charge in on January 20th like FDR on steroids. You have no choice. People are dying! You need to sign executive orders and cajole, demand and shame Congress into action. And GO BIG! Eliminate the Electoral College through the National Popular Vote Act! DONE! Ratify the Equal Rights Amendment for women! Just one more state needed! DONE! Send in the Army Corps of Engineers to Flint to replace the poisoned water pipes! DONE!!

And none of the above needs a single vote of the United States Senate! In fact, this past summer, your “Biden-Bernie” unity joint task force identified a whopping 277 policies and decisions of Trump’s that you have the legal authority to immediately reverse by executive order or presidential policy decision https://prospect.org/…/277-policies-biden-need-not-ask-per…/. Find that big fat black marker of his and do it!

But, yes, we also desperately need those two Georgia Senate seats to get the Biden/Harris years off to a blazing start. So let’s make that happen! All hands on deck between now and January 5th!! We will all do whatever is needed.

Friends of mine on the Left who are more cynical than I am are probably wondering why I’m sending you this letter. Haha! Well, because I saw you kiss the head of that young grieving man at the Parkland, Florida memorial for the shooting victims of Stoneman Douglas High School. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FyMa96yOel0

And because I saw you in New Hampshire this year while we were there working for Bernie, and you were doing a campaign stop and there was a restless five-year boy in the front row. His parents were trying to get him to settle down. You stopped and spoke to the boy. “Hey buddy,” you said in a kind but parental way, “if you can hang on and be a good boy for just a little bit, I’ll buy ya an ice cream!” The boy quieted down, you wrapped up and afterward you went over to the boy and his parents and you gave the kid five bucks so his mom and dad could go get him an ice cream cone. And I thought to myself, this is the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen — and then I started to cry because I wanted so much for that piece of America to come back — goofy, kind, and focusing on what’s truly important: a goddamned ice cream cone!

I think that’s why you won. People saw what I saw with you there in New Hampshire and back in Boston on that day 16 years ago — they knew that maybe, just maybe, their lives might just get a bit better - hopefully a LOT better - with you in the White House. Maybe less of them will die from the virus, this preventable horror. Trump, of whom we knew many despicable things and thought we’d already seen how low the bar could possibly go for one human being — but we never considered him under the moniker of mass killer, terrorist or superspreader. Then you, Joe, came along and offered us a respite, a break from the insanity — “Mr. Biden, we’ll be happy if you just give us four years of ‘Not Trump!’”

But I think you can give us much more than that. What could our lives be like in four years or eight years (with a Democratic Senate to boot)? How ‘bout no one ever goes bankrupt again because they got sick? How ‘bout no one is sitting in a prison cell for possessing marijuana or actual drugs? How ‘bout every child gets to go to a great school and every neighborhood has an expanded free library open seven days a week? How ‘bout paid family medical leave so you can take care of your elderly parents and not lose your job? How ‘bout my bullet train! You and we can make all this happen. It’s not rocket science. 30+ other countries already do it. (https://www.amazon.com/Where-Invade-Next-Micha…/…/B01EGW9EOU) They’re happier. Why not us? Our founders promised it to us in their second sentence: “the pursuit of Happiness.“ They said that’s what America would be — and it’s been a rare day when we’ve actually had a glimpse of it.

Joe, you’re the guy to fulfill the promise. I’ll help. So will my neighbors on the floor where I live. As will the woman who delivers my mail, the workers who stock the shelves of my neighborhood market, the nurse who just wrote me in tears because yesterday she watched her 22nd patient die, alone, no family allowed, from Covid. Not to mention the millions upon millions of Americans who are ready to be foot soldiers in your army of justice, equality and love. We’re all in! We don’t want to go back to the old “normal.” We want a new normal!

We want ice cream.

All my best, Michael Moore

P.S. You know why I think you can and will do this? You picked Kamala Harris to run with you! Ranked as the most liberal senator in the U.S. Senate. A woman. A Black woman! I saw the first debate, the one where she challenged you and threw shade on your younger self. Most people (including me), if that had happened to us, we probably wouldn’t have gotten over it. You did. I’m guessing your conscience whispered to you, “well, dang, maybe she has a point.” You hold no grudges. You are a forgiving soul. But then you didn’t just forgive her — you put her on the Big Ticket! Who would do that? You did! That’s why my cautious, hopeful bet is on the good hands we’re now in — both your hands, Kamala’s hands, and the hands of the mass millions who voted for you and will continue to rise up and fight for this new, better, post-Trump, post-pandemic America.